I’d ask for an annulment-as much for the lie of omission as the lack of sex. Also, she should be able to understand why her dishonesty and potentially incompatible sexual preferences would be problematic for you without invalidating you by implying that you’re discriminating against her or are somehow intolerant.
She knew she was asexual and kept it from you until marriage? You can't possibly accept this because it's not okay. She lied. You can't be with someone the rest of your life who cheated on you.
Sex is also a big part of a relationship and sex is healthy. Without it, it can cause a lot of turmoil in a relationship.
This is a very real and actually used legal reason for the dissolution of a marriage.
Dude may not know it now, but a lack of sex can very well cause enough friction to break apart a marriage.
Of course it's real. This is exactly how many asexual people get married. They conveniently don't tell their love interest that they're signing up for a lifetime of zero sex, occasional pity sex or the unpleasant proposition of going outside the marriage in order to have a normal sex life.
The OP's wife was absolutely deceitful because she knew that no man with a normal sex drive would sign up for a lifetime of no sex. She manipulated him by intentionally not disclosing something critically important to their relationship. She lied by omission and is not guilt tripping him into believing that he has no right to be upset about her sexual 'orientation'. And the sad part is that it's working.
OP says he loves her. She clearly doesn't love him because you don't trick people you love into a marriage that can never meet their needs. OP is not overreaching. He's seriously underreaching and allowing his new wife to gaslight him to oblivion.
Yeah like at some point leading up to the wedding at least a little horny talk or something? Ahaha. Would have been a ton of red flags for me. I feel like op is trolling or an idiot.
Id say the same. If you're marrying someone you would... tell? I think OP's wife is responsible for herself, and feel OP was trying to be respectful. Everyone wants everything done for them and it's ridiculous. "Why didn't you tell me this very key thing in the beginning instead of wasting both of our time?" "...because you never asked :)" douche move tbh. She outta stop acting childish as though everyone is responsible for what she does and doesn't do
The thing is people shouldnt assume. People should talk. Even if you have an inclination on why, you should always communicate and not make assumptions.
Welcome to Earth
Population: stupid
You're on reddit, you telling me you've not seen videos of human behaviour that you wouldn't have believed if you hadn't seen it with your own eyes?
98% of married couples never talked to each other about 90% of things people planning on spending a lifetime together should.
Feel like banging my head against a wall reguarly around many of my married or in any kind of relationship friends when I see some of the shit they both do and don't do and a lot of that is me thinking "You folks have been together all this time and still don't know such basic things about each other?"
Part of the reason I've always gone the long courtship route. Takes time to get to know people. 9 months of knowing someone before marrying to me seems insane, yet people exist in this world that get married after just a week if that.
Never underestimate the level of stupid most humans are.
eta: My mate is getting married. He met her on tinder, proposed after about 3 months, been together for about 2 years. She has her own house but has essentially been living with him since day one. She is a nurse, but no idea how as she seems unable to grasp the most basic concepts, and he is constantly bitching to me about how childish and essentially useless she is, wishes she'd go home to her own place occasionally, have petty squabbles when they should be in the 'honey moon period' while rattling off a bunch of red flags but still, he's gonna marry her and wants kids.
Both are lovely people. But they're a terrible couple. And sadly I know too many people like this. Not being alone seems more important than not being fucking miserable to many. And there's no telling them they're both making a terrible mistake, again like most couples.
Look how many stupid fucks stay with an abusive husband or wife because 'but she/he loves me'......
They never had sex in 9 months and he “figured she was saving herself for marriage.” They didn’t actually have a conversation, he just “figured.” This can’t be real.
"Of course it's real" on the internet is gold, let alone reddit! If it is real, and If OP didn't ask, and ASSUMED it'd be fine after marriage? Well then, he's a fucking dumbass and needs to learn from this. Lol
Bingo. “He baby wanna get down” “No I’m not keen” *must be a Jesus thing, people that into Jesus famously never want to talk about it. I shall ask no follow up questions.*
I wonder if she thinks she's locked him down? If he's in the US, he can seek an annulment. Between the deceit and the fact that the marriage was never "consummated", he's in good standing to have it dissolved with little problems.
Contrary to pop culture, “consummation” isn’t actually a thing in most places.
Most states won’t annul a marriage unless they were legally not supposed to be married in the first place (relatives, secret first wife, etc) or there was fraud “essential to the reason for marriage” involved (didn’t tell your spouse you were sterilized, pregnant by another man at time of marriage, etc).
There are a few states that have something related to “no sex” but it’s usually “physically not able” not “just don’t want to”. Only a couple have “not performing marital duties” as an option.
He should definitely separate but it may not be as “easy” as an annulment.
I mean, IANAL, but “didn’t tell your spouse you are planning on never having sex with them” seems like it could be a reason for “fraud essential to the marriage.”
I know a few and literally all of them told their partner first thing/as soon as they figured it out because thats what real people do. This post is either fake or contains the two dumbest humans to exist.
Of course he never actually asked why she didn't want to sleep with him, either. She was fine with the arrangement, he wasn't. So it was up to him to speak up.
I don't know how you get married without discussing something as pivotal in a relationship as how much sex you will have.
....I know several asexuals..this is not remotely true. asexuals don't just go around marriage trapping people 🙄 they are generally pretty open and honest about their sexuality, or lack there of.
This. Get an annulment. This is awful and she major and deliberately and deceitfully tricked you into getting married and then springs this on you. Totally unacceptable. You are 38. You will eventually resent her and will cheat and end up divorced 10 years from now. She says no big deal. Why’d you need to know? She’s delusional and needs psychiatric treatment. I’m sorry .
Count the upvotes on posts OP> you are in grave danger of losing yourself. I cannot overstress the importance of recognizing the deceit in the inception of your marriage.
Eep! Let me step in. Asexual doesn’t necessarily mean they will not have sex with you. Asexual solely means a lack of sexual attraction (i.e. your dick doesn’t make me wet, your boobs won’t get me erect, etc). One “category” of asexuality IS sex-repulsion, meaning you do NOT want to have sex, but plenty of asexual people are not sex-repulsed and still have sex for their partner, or because they are horny for whatever reason (they can still feel good down there!) Some asexual people may be willing to have an open relationship so their partner can be sexually fulfilled, but that isn’t always the case. If OP’s wife knew she was sex-repulsed all this time, then I agree she should have mentioned that before getting married to an allosexual as aces ARE different, but not ignorant to the rest of the world and their values.
Yep, my gf is probably asexual. We still do things but it's definitely not like my previous partners.
The thing is...I don't mind. I'm happier than I've ever been and if my needs change then a discussion will be had about potential options.
Just communicate people.
Yes. If I had a dollar for every time I heard that the right man could fix me - I would be fabulously extremely wealthy.
You would think after 54 years of asexuality, I would know by now myself.
I thought you were kidding when you said "this is how many asexual people get married" but then you just kept going.
No, this is not how many asexual people get married lmao. Many of us don't want marriage and find intimacy of any kind revolting, and those who do want relationships marry people who are compatible. In all the ace groups I'm in and the thousands of ace people I've talked to, I have never once seen someone trap an allosexual into marriage.
I have no issue with your breakdown on OP's situation but don't blame this on asexuality. Blame it on this specific bad person who happens to be asexual.
This. I've identified as asexual since I was 13. I was frequently told I would "grow out of it." I'm now 22 and still identify as asexual! I've disclosed this to every romantic partner I've ever had. I've also, shocker, had a decent amount of physical intimacy! This is because asexuality is a spectrum and when someone identifies as asexual, communication needs to occur about what that means for the relationship-- just like communication should occur in a relationship between two allosexual people!
I was holding my breath while scrolling, waiting for a comment standing up for our community :,)
This whole story is wild because it’s such a reverse of how things normally go for us. We put “asexual” at the very top of our dating profiles, but people don’t read it. We mention it on a first date, and people say they “don’t mind.” Months into a relationship we suddenly are guilt tripped into sex or outright assaulted by partners who we thought were compatible and supportive, but turned out to just be hoping we’d “change our minds.”
I know so many who’ve experienced this and it’s so disheartening, it makes finding love feel so unattainable!
This first paragraph is so strange to me. Why would asexual people want to marry someone under those circumstances? Why not just be upfront about their asexuality and have a happy marriage with someone who is okay with it?
I'm asexual, I've heard of this sort of thing of course, but the cast majority of us wanna have happy lives with happy partners, lying and tricking someone to marry us, that doesn't sound happy, and most of us are not doing that
yes because men carry zero responsibility of being an adult and talking about expectations and wants before marriage.. fck that none sense. If he didn't bother to ask about their no sex sex life he's just as responsible. Whole grown adult only assumed she wanted to wait for marriage didn't ask her if that's what it was.
If a man doesn't communicate its not the woman's fault for not reading his mind and just randomly telling him if she can or can't meet his needs, or expectations in a relationship.
My asexual girlfriend let me know very early into our relationship. We've been together for 4+ years now, I put my expectations on the table and she did hers.
You don't just drop it on someone now you've secured the ring. That's a dick move.
It's better for the OP to just walk away from this sham of a marriage than to try to get side pieces. Depending on his state, he's setting himself up to get killed in divorce court. Not to mention, it's a lot harder for a married man to get a side piece than it is for a single man to get a legit gf that actually wants to have sex. This marriage serves no purpose for the OP.. Why would you want to get entangled in a marriage contract for the sake of a friend/roommate?
Because there's no love there.
She should have. It's always easy to just say "get divorced/annulled," but in all seriousness:
Ask her when she found this out about herself. If she already knew, ask her why she did not tell you, and explain why it's harmful to you that she waited until you were fully committed to tell you.
Then, consider your options and talk to her about them. Maybe you need a divorce, maybe sex isn't important enough to you for this to matter much, maybe you need some kind of agreement where you can sleep with other people so that your needs are met, whatever you think you would need to be fulfilled. Don't stay in a sexless marriage if sex is important to you. You're not doing either of you any favors
Imagine getting a woman marrying a man and then telling the man she's only into other women and won't ever have sex with a man. Or vice versa. This was a deception. Maybe she doesn't see it as such because as ACE she doesn't get the need for sex, but for most people it's a natural instinct and if she's expecting you to simply not have sex, then it's the same as you expecting her to do so. Actually, it's worst in the sense that for most, sex is implied to be a part of being married. Not that your spouse owes it to you, but that you are partners in that sense.
There's nothing wrong with her being ACE but she's basically asking you to commit to an ACE lifestyle.
When she told you, what did she propose you do for the rest of your life?
You need to have a long and uncomfortable discussion with her.
100% agree. The wife is selfish, deceptive and manipulative. It’s not acceptable to demand that a sexual person give up their fundamental needs for the sake of the asexual.
She’s counting on him thinking "well, we’ve come this far" and wanting to avoid an annulment/divorce, which is precisely why she waited until now. There is nothing to consider here, no nuances. Divorce/annulment *is* the only answer here.
I married someone that didn't like sex. Things started off hot and heavy, but after we got engaged she said that she wanted the honeymoon 'to be special'. I bought it and we didn't have sex for almost a year leading up to the wedding. Then, on our honeymoon, as she was lying in bed in a sexy outfit that she'd bought for the occasion, she told me that she 'didn't feel right about it'. We didn't have sex on the honeymoon at all, and only had sex during our 2 year marriage a handful of times; it was clearly miserable, pity-sex. She refused to talk about it. She refused counseling. Finally, after I left her, she came to me and said that she would consider counseling, but I was absolutely finished with the relationship. I felt deceived, sexually inadequate, and extremely alienated.
Right? Like, I don't know what he is going on about. He is just going to stay married and not have sex. Why is he writing here then?
This must be fake or he is just hopeless.
Crazy thing about the world is that there's so many stupid ass people that even the most ridiculous stories have a greater than zero chance of being true. This one barely moves the needle. Either a true story or a pretty mundane piece of fiction. I wouldn't be surprised either way.
This x1000. There are different shades in the asexual spectrum. If she was one that was absolutely 100% not into any sort of sex, she should've mentioned that within weeks of dating, so that your or her weren't wasting their tine.
Most asexuals don't really have a drive for sex and could care less about it, but if their partner really wants sex they can do it, their partner should just not expect as much sex as in a usual couple. "Sex-repullsed" is where sex grosses them out and they really don't want to have sex. The spectrum of aces pretty much lies between those two levels, and then there are subcategories like demisexual and whatnot.
And I find this often comes from a desire for romance and sensuality, despite not feeling sexual attraction.
So they'll be like "for the sake of my romantic and sensual partner, I will do something I am less than comfortable with sexually", which is a calculation plenty of people with other orientations make.
However, there are definitely people that draw a line and say "no matter what, I do not want to engage sexually" which is their personal right as a boundary, but to marry someone without clearly establishing that boundary is beyond fucked up.
And it sucks in a way because people always say that consent to sex should always be enthusiastic and both parties should want to do it. Not implying the ace person doesn’t want to, but it’s like the situation you said where they do it because it interests your partner. I’m not ace but struggle with libido, and a lot of people will get upset if I say that I’ll have sex with my partner when he wants and I’m just kinda like eh, I’m fine with that. My partner especially hates it because he assumes it means I don’t want to do anything at all
I love the intent behind the "enthusiastic" bit in the consent discussions we see today, but I absolutely agree that people are able to consent to things they are not enthusiastic about. Hell, no one is enthusiastic about a dental cleaning or a colonoscopy, but no one is questioning the ability to consent to those based on enthusiasm.
I will absolutely do things for my partner that I wouldn't otherwise choose to do, both in the bedroom and outside of it. Why do people only question my ability to consent to bedroom stuff based on enthusiasm when I'd much rather try out a new kink (and hey, maybe I will end up enjoying it even though I'm skeptical) compared to say, attending a football game with my partner?
I'm not interested in sex, but I have no issue with it, and am not unwilling to have sex with someone that I'm far enough into a relationship with.
I had a friend who looked like she was about to hurl whenever sex was even mentioned.
I'm not sex repulsed, but I've told people on the first date, just casually drop going to pride wearing the ace flag or something. I don't get in a situation where I'm expected to have feelings I just don't. They don't get in a situation where they are missing something they find essential. Been in a relationship for 8 years now, getting married on our 10th anniversary, never been an issue.
Even non sex-repulsed asexuals struggle a lot in relationships were sex is expected. Different takes, what is akin to a marathon for one (tiring but rewarding and fun to do sometimes) is a need for the other. The asexual person feel pressed and have sex out of compromise and invariably end resenting their partner in the long run.
I will never understand ace people who aren't upfront about their lack of sexuality. If you don't have sex maybe you should stick to plutonic relationships.
I got married a virgin and didn’t know I was ace. It was a rough start to marriage because I couldn’t figure myself out. We have two kids now and I found that after my second child my sex drive sky rocketed and now I don’t define myself as ace anymore. I truly believe that sometimes it’s a hormonal imbalance thing that needs to be looked at. Truly. But like I said before, be gentle about it, some people just don’t know until their married. And they feel horrible and struggle.
As an ace person(and probably also aromantic?), it should be something you make your partner aware of even if you're not sex repulsed. I don't care if I have sex, but I don't find it gross or revulting. I'm incapable of making a person feel "wanted." I don't even get what this means. Would I sleep with someone? I don't know, probably. I will just never care about it.
Edit: weirdos on this post, Feel free to stop attempting to diagnose me with various mental illnesses. thank you for reminding me why I tend to not bring it up.
And that’s precisely why she waited until after the wedding to tell him. She was counting on him to say these very things lol. He got played and is still getting played. At this point, if he continues to stay in this marriage and remain abstinent then he deserves the life he is about to have.
He played himself and this 100% likely fake anyway. A girl doesn't put out and he doesn't even question it as a 39 year old. Gtfoh. Yall gullible. The made up story isn't even believable. Just throw cheating, sex, and/or marriage on a post and add some bullsg
hit and no mater how outlandish it is folks will eat it up because they love to give opinions on relationships.
No dude with an IQ above 2 is gonna not even question that for 9 months. Wake up. Guys ate gonna question and get to the root of it by date 3 or 4 at the latest. Takes 2 seconds to ask why that person isn't putting out especially despite being in a relationship. He saying he never bothered is just beyond unrealistic.
You figured she was waiting for marriage, but never discussed it. Nowhere in your nine-month whirlwind did you have the time to discuss something as significant as your fiancée being asexual? Your options are an annulment if you want to rip off the Band-Aid, or a dead bedroom, resentment, and problems down the line if you like to prolong your suffering.
Like ya’ll didn’t talk about your future, kids no kids? How did you actually know that you wanted to spend the rest of your life together? Zero communication before jumping headfirst in to this lifelong commitment. I don’t buy this story one bit.
Yeah if this is a real story, they’ve both had what’s been coming to them for not choosing to communicate at all and getting married anyway. What on earth have they been talking about for the last 9 months if it hasn’t included any plans for the future or anything?
How is this comment not higher up?
If it wasn't discussed, and from his behaviour he was happy enough without sex to ask her to marry him, there is every possibility that she thought he was asexual too.
Well, he tried having sex with her at some points so why wouldn’t she have said something then? And why wouldn’t he have said something, too, like, oh, you want to wait for marriage to have sex? This was their catalyst for that discussion, but instead this post is claiming that 2 fully grown adults didn’t communicate it at any point when they decided to marry. This story seems fake it’s so childish.
I don’t think this is real, but I’ve definitely met 39 year olds that naive. In fact, depending on the context, the older the person the more naive.
How many 20 year olds fall for scam calls saying their grandson is in a Florida jail and can only be released if they buy $2000 of apple gift cards at Best Buy?
Naive plus fringe your clock ticking and wanting to get married so you can start a family.
Happens to guys too.
I'm 37 and I'm feeling it. I'm an active guy. I don't want to be 65 when my kids are in high school. I want to be able to run, skate, play with them without worrying about fucking up my back.
Dude just ignored it because he believed what he wanted to believe.
There's a lot of polite handholding going on in these comments, so I'm just gonna say it... getting married to someone you knew this little about was reckless irresponsible and stupid of you both.
Landing yourself in the dilemma you're describing requires a fundamental lack of communication, empathy and maturity necessary for a successful marriage. You're both pretty fucked, regardless of whether you two can get past the sexual incompatibility piece.
Yeah, this story reeks of fake. Guy is ten years older, a grown ass adult and never once thought to ask "hey we have been dating for quite some time, and you don't want to get naked?" Like WTF. After three dates I would be asking that question, let alone 9 months.
Get an annulment and call it a day. I mean what is there even to question here, they aren't compatible. Like damn, did the conversation of kids or anything ever come up? Sexual history, testing, like anything? This almost 40 year old man was so blissfully unaware? JFC. Why is this post even on the front page except to get clicks for the AI language model.
Also… were they doing anything else, any sort of kissing/petting? Because if she’s literally repulsed by sex with him then either they were doing nothing and that’s a red flag, she’s a fantastic actress, or she was doing desultory bare minimum stuff and that’s a red flag.
YES THANK YOU. This comment should be higher up.
I mean... its clearly fake but the fictional couple in the post are both terrible at communicating & should never have got married.
Yeah, it reads fake. Sure, some people date for 9 months and get married. Some people will not have sex before marriage. Sure some people are asexual and cover it up before marriage. Some people will even assume things about their spouse without asking. But do have all of those boxes checked? Just seems too implausible.
Man an 11 year age difference....no discussion ever about understanding why she was saying no.
This person has to be in a 90 day fiancee situation or something because that's fucking weird to not discuss any of this. Like there needs to be a language barrier of some sort to excuse this assery.
"I figured she was waiting until marriage"
9 months and this guy didn't think about asking her...
My gf and I talk about everything, from the balls of termites to the lactose intolerance of the milky way in 9 months.
Maybe she told him she was saving herself for marriage. Regardless, if this is real she totally catfished him. You absolutely can be mad at someone’s sexuality if you marry them under the guise that you have the same preferences. If she knew she was ace this whole time and that OP wasn’t, then she stringed him along and disregarded his sexuality in favor of hers. This is like Marge Simpson’s sister’s wedding
Edit: never mind, none of this is real and I don’t care anymore
You could always tell her you are poly. If she expects you to be cool with her undisclosed asexuality, surely she wouldn't be upset with your polyamory 🤷♀️
Honestly in a lot of marriages where one person is asexual and the other is not, the asexual partner is completely okay with the allosexual partner having sex with someone else.
If she is offended by him asking to open the marriage, I would consider that just as much of a red flag as this whole weird lie of omission she did and a giant tell as to what her personality is.
As an Ace, I would consider this pathway for a future relationship. However, as an Ace, there’s always a huge fear that my partner will find someone who they can have both an emotional and physical relationship with. Does anyone else have thoughts on this? Would it be better to let them find a fwb or would you feel more secure just sending them to bars for (well-protected) one night stands? This is all for potential future relationships in my case..
The fact you were together 9 months and didn’t discuss whether she was waiting until after marriage is a bit worrying. Why not talk about things early? It’s such a massive detail. If she was waiting, what if you didn’t want to? Or well, this? Please look into some help to communicate better in relationships or this will keep happening
There is nothing wrong with being asexual, but not telling someone until after you’re married is not okay. That’s a very big aspect of your life that you should discuss beforehand just like you should discuss finances and whether or not you want children.
You aren’t overreacting. However, you should definitely have further inquired as to why she did not want to have sex you with before getting married. Just very hard to understand how no communication regarding this topic came up and you got married.
She should have told you from the start. That’s totally not okay to trap someone in to. Her sexuality is totally fine, for a partner who’s okay with it and knows before something like marriage.
Stop assuming other people's intentions and actually ask them. "Are you waiting for marriage?"
9 months with no sex is unusual in adult relationships. And you got married after 9 months?!? You are both red flags here.
Definitely not overreacting. I have absolutely no idea what to do in this situation.
Even if you had a Catholic wedding, you could get an annulment for this. Wedding was never consumated.
Dude. At 37 you didn’t have a sexual conversation with the person you dated for 9 months and then married. WTH is wrong with you? You “just figured” she was waiting for marriage? Yes she should have told you but you also should have brought up your sexual needs at least once in your relationship.
How on earth did two people get MARRIED without once discussing sex??? Did OP discuss with her whether she was waiting till marriage? Did they talk about it at all???? Baffling!!!
First and foremost, she hid VERY important information. She knew it might jeopardize the relationship if she told you before you were legally stuck and now wants to justify it by saying you have no right to be "upset" over her sexuality. Did she just expect you to be ok with it? What about yours and how it's being COMPLETELY dismissed? You may not want a divorce (For now.), but I can almost guarantee that there will be soul crushing resentment.
Divorce this woman and you can love her like an extended family member or best friend, while you get to the business of finding a wife who won’t marry you under false pretenses.
You’ve gotten along like best friends because that’s all you are. How do you marry someone and not know the very basics about them? You just assumed she was waiting? Maybe try communicating.
Since sex isn’t part of marriage for your spouse, let her know that it is part of your life. Either you can have sex outside the marriage or there is no marriage.
Her behavior is totally unacceptable.
No consummation so get a lawyer quick. You may be eligible for an annulment depending on your State based on fraud. It is 100% a reasonable assumption that a marriage would result in sexual relations with your spouse. Don’t wait!
Bro wifed her up after 9 months of no hitting and just assumed she was waiting until marriage with zero discussion about the topic. She should have brought it up, but OP is too old to be finding that out ATF.
If she decides that she's gay, are you going to become a woman? How much are you willing to do for a woman that will never be compatible with you sexually?
I’d ask for an annulment-as much for the lie of omission as the lack of sex. Also, she should be able to understand why her dishonesty and potentially incompatible sexual preferences would be problematic for you without invalidating you by implying that you’re discriminating against her or are somehow intolerant.
The lying is the reason, the non-consummation is the legal justification.
Happy cake day! 🥳🎂
And to you as well.
Yeah, like I know you find sex repulsive, but for most of us it's essentially a basic need in marriage
She knew she was asexual and kept it from you until marriage? You can't possibly accept this because it's not okay. She lied. You can't be with someone the rest of your life who cheated on you. Sex is also a big part of a relationship and sex is healthy. Without it, it can cause a lot of turmoil in a relationship.
This is a very real and actually used legal reason for the dissolution of a marriage. Dude may not know it now, but a lack of sex can very well cause enough friction to break apart a marriage.
she should’ve told you from the start imo
This can't be real
Of course it's real. This is exactly how many asexual people get married. They conveniently don't tell their love interest that they're signing up for a lifetime of zero sex, occasional pity sex or the unpleasant proposition of going outside the marriage in order to have a normal sex life. The OP's wife was absolutely deceitful because she knew that no man with a normal sex drive would sign up for a lifetime of no sex. She manipulated him by intentionally not disclosing something critically important to their relationship. She lied by omission and is not guilt tripping him into believing that he has no right to be upset about her sexual 'orientation'. And the sad part is that it's working. OP says he loves her. She clearly doesn't love him because you don't trick people you love into a marriage that can never meet their needs. OP is not overreaching. He's seriously underreaching and allowing his new wife to gaslight him to oblivion.
I dunno know if I was dating someone for 9 months without fucking Im sure as hell going to find out why before I goddamn marry her.
I would assume anyone in that situation assumes jesus is why.
I just feel like if you’re marrying someone you would.. ask?
Yeah like, how on earth do you not talk about this before hand?
Yeah like at some point leading up to the wedding at least a little horny talk or something? Ahaha. Would have been a ton of red flags for me. I feel like op is trolling or an idiot.
Id say the same. If you're marrying someone you would... tell? I think OP's wife is responsible for herself, and feel OP was trying to be respectful. Everyone wants everything done for them and it's ridiculous. "Why didn't you tell me this very key thing in the beginning instead of wasting both of our time?" "...because you never asked :)" douche move tbh. She outta stop acting childish as though everyone is responsible for what she does and doesn't do
I think you don't usually have to assume when Jesus is why, because if that's the reason they will *definitely* tell you.
Valid 😂
You don’t assume shit in this situation, you talk it out. Way before you get engaged.
How do you not discuss religion before getting married? Like this is so beyond wild to me
It’s possible they did. Maybe she is actually religious at least, but it’s not the reason for no sex.
The thing is people shouldnt assume. People should talk. Even if you have an inclination on why, you should always communicate and not make assumptions.
That's why you grow balls and ask instead of assuming you're going to get it later.
You know what happens when you assume....
That people would just assume some of this shit instead of _asking_ like a goddamn adult sometimes stretches the suspension of disbelief.
Welcome to Earth Population: stupid You're on reddit, you telling me you've not seen videos of human behaviour that you wouldn't have believed if you hadn't seen it with your own eyes? 98% of married couples never talked to each other about 90% of things people planning on spending a lifetime together should. Feel like banging my head against a wall reguarly around many of my married or in any kind of relationship friends when I see some of the shit they both do and don't do and a lot of that is me thinking "You folks have been together all this time and still don't know such basic things about each other?" Part of the reason I've always gone the long courtship route. Takes time to get to know people. 9 months of knowing someone before marrying to me seems insane, yet people exist in this world that get married after just a week if that. Never underestimate the level of stupid most humans are. eta: My mate is getting married. He met her on tinder, proposed after about 3 months, been together for about 2 years. She has her own house but has essentially been living with him since day one. She is a nurse, but no idea how as she seems unable to grasp the most basic concepts, and he is constantly bitching to me about how childish and essentially useless she is, wishes she'd go home to her own place occasionally, have petty squabbles when they should be in the 'honey moon period' while rattling off a bunch of red flags but still, he's gonna marry her and wants kids. Both are lovely people. But they're a terrible couple. And sadly I know too many people like this. Not being alone seems more important than not being fucking miserable to many. And there's no telling them they're both making a terrible mistake, again like most couples. Look how many stupid fucks stay with an abusive husband or wife because 'but she/he loves me'......
It’s not real. In the comments OP says he is allowed to sleep with her twin sister. 100% troll.
Lmao well damn swindled again
They never had sex in 9 months and he “figured she was saving herself for marriage.” They didn’t actually have a conversation, he just “figured.” This can’t be real.
"Of course it's real" on the internet is gold, let alone reddit! If it is real, and If OP didn't ask, and ASSUMED it'd be fine after marriage? Well then, he's a fucking dumbass and needs to learn from this. Lol
Bingo. “He baby wanna get down” “No I’m not keen” *must be a Jesus thing, people that into Jesus famously never want to talk about it. I shall ask no follow up questions.*
I wonder if she thinks she's locked him down? If he's in the US, he can seek an annulment. Between the deceit and the fact that the marriage was never "consummated", he's in good standing to have it dissolved with little problems.
Contrary to pop culture, “consummation” isn’t actually a thing in most places. Most states won’t annul a marriage unless they were legally not supposed to be married in the first place (relatives, secret first wife, etc) or there was fraud “essential to the reason for marriage” involved (didn’t tell your spouse you were sterilized, pregnant by another man at time of marriage, etc). There are a few states that have something related to “no sex” but it’s usually “physically not able” not “just don’t want to”. Only a couple have “not performing marital duties” as an option. He should definitely separate but it may not be as “easy” as an annulment.
I mean, IANAL, but “didn’t tell your spouse you are planning on never having sex with them” seems like it could be a reason for “fraud essential to the marriage.”
>Of course it's real. This is exactly how many asexual people get married. How many married asexual people do you know?
He knows 0
I know a few and literally all of them told their partner first thing/as soon as they figured it out because thats what real people do. This post is either fake or contains the two dumbest humans to exist.
None, but he sure is mad at them!
Of course he never actually asked why she didn't want to sleep with him, either. She was fine with the arrangement, he wasn't. So it was up to him to speak up. I don't know how you get married without discussing something as pivotal in a relationship as how much sex you will have.
Right. Or Did they not even have the conversation about having children or not?
This part though? You're telling me you went Nine months with the intent to get married and didn't discuss kids at least?
Op said he never asked. He's the idiot lol
Yes he is. Either for not asking or being a troll.
....I know several asexuals..this is not remotely true. asexuals don't just go around marriage trapping people 🙄 they are generally pretty open and honest about their sexuality, or lack there of.
I’m asexual. I’m very open about it with partners. If this is real, it’s a clear communication failure on both ends.
This is the only answer. OP is in a situation.
No the only answer is annulment. She committed fraud on her new husband which makes this marriage invalid.
This. Get an annulment. This is awful and she major and deliberately and deceitfully tricked you into getting married and then springs this on you. Totally unacceptable. You are 38. You will eventually resent her and will cheat and end up divorced 10 years from now. She says no big deal. Why’d you need to know? She’s delusional and needs psychiatric treatment. I’m sorry .
GET THE ANNULMENT. This is perfect advice. Do it or die a life of a thousand cuts.
Count me in on the annulment train.
+1 to the annulment train here
we got a long train going here... let run this train on this no sex having marriage and get it annulled
All aboard!!
Count the upvotes on posts OP> you are in grave danger of losing yourself. I cannot overstress the importance of recognizing the deceit in the inception of your marriage.
CHOOO CHOOO
Failure to consummate will help annulment
Immediately! The longer you wait, the harder it may be, and you are risking your assets.
"EVENTUALLY resent her"? I resent her already.
especially since the marriage hasn't been consummated.
Simulation
There's a 50% chance OP is in a simulation
You just built a even bigger book on top of that fake story. Well done.
Eep! Let me step in. Asexual doesn’t necessarily mean they will not have sex with you. Asexual solely means a lack of sexual attraction (i.e. your dick doesn’t make me wet, your boobs won’t get me erect, etc). One “category” of asexuality IS sex-repulsion, meaning you do NOT want to have sex, but plenty of asexual people are not sex-repulsed and still have sex for their partner, or because they are horny for whatever reason (they can still feel good down there!) Some asexual people may be willing to have an open relationship so their partner can be sexually fulfilled, but that isn’t always the case. If OP’s wife knew she was sex-repulsed all this time, then I agree she should have mentioned that before getting married to an allosexual as aces ARE different, but not ignorant to the rest of the world and their values.
Yep, my gf is probably asexual. We still do things but it's definitely not like my previous partners. The thing is...I don't mind. I'm happier than I've ever been and if my needs change then a discussion will be had about potential options. Just communicate people.
Ah yes, the *many* asexual people tricking folks into sexless marriages. Such a common issue that we’ve all experienced 😔
“She clearly doesn’t love him” It’s amazing how nearly all people just jump to conclusions. You sheep are all the same
Please don’t assume all asexuals are like that, most of us shout it from the rooftops and most people ignore it cause they don’t believe us!
Yes. If I had a dollar for every time I heard that the right man could fix me - I would be fabulously extremely wealthy. You would think after 54 years of asexuality, I would know by now myself.
I thought you were kidding when you said "this is how many asexual people get married" but then you just kept going. No, this is not how many asexual people get married lmao. Many of us don't want marriage and find intimacy of any kind revolting, and those who do want relationships marry people who are compatible. In all the ace groups I'm in and the thousands of ace people I've talked to, I have never once seen someone trap an allosexual into marriage. I have no issue with your breakdown on OP's situation but don't blame this on asexuality. Blame it on this specific bad person who happens to be asexual.
This. I've identified as asexual since I was 13. I was frequently told I would "grow out of it." I'm now 22 and still identify as asexual! I've disclosed this to every romantic partner I've ever had. I've also, shocker, had a decent amount of physical intimacy! This is because asexuality is a spectrum and when someone identifies as asexual, communication needs to occur about what that means for the relationship-- just like communication should occur in a relationship between two allosexual people!
I was holding my breath while scrolling, waiting for a comment standing up for our community :,) This whole story is wild because it’s such a reverse of how things normally go for us. We put “asexual” at the very top of our dating profiles, but people don’t read it. We mention it on a first date, and people say they “don’t mind.” Months into a relationship we suddenly are guilt tripped into sex or outright assaulted by partners who we thought were compatible and supportive, but turned out to just be hoping we’d “change our minds.” I know so many who’ve experienced this and it’s so disheartening, it makes finding love feel so unattainable!
This first paragraph is so strange to me. Why would asexual people want to marry someone under those circumstances? Why not just be upfront about their asexuality and have a happy marriage with someone who is okay with it? I'm asexual, I've heard of this sort of thing of course, but the cast majority of us wanna have happy lives with happy partners, lying and tricking someone to marry us, that doesn't sound happy, and most of us are not doing that
yes because men carry zero responsibility of being an adult and talking about expectations and wants before marriage.. fck that none sense. If he didn't bother to ask about their no sex sex life he's just as responsible. Whole grown adult only assumed she wanted to wait for marriage didn't ask her if that's what it was. If a man doesn't communicate its not the woman's fault for not reading his mind and just randomly telling him if she can or can't meet his needs, or expectations in a relationship.
My asexual girlfriend let me know very early into our relationship. We've been together for 4+ years now, I put my expectations on the table and she did hers. You don't just drop it on someone now you've secured the ring. That's a dick move.
Agreed 100% . OP should tell her that he will seek sex from other women because that his sexual orientation.
It's better for the OP to just walk away from this sham of a marriage than to try to get side pieces. Depending on his state, he's setting himself up to get killed in divorce court. Not to mention, it's a lot harder for a married man to get a side piece than it is for a single man to get a legit gf that actually wants to have sex. This marriage serves no purpose for the OP.. Why would you want to get entangled in a marriage contract for the sake of a friend/roommate? Because there's no love there.
Unfortunately, it can. Maybe this story isn't but the scenario is.
She should have. It's always easy to just say "get divorced/annulled," but in all seriousness: Ask her when she found this out about herself. If she already knew, ask her why she did not tell you, and explain why it's harmful to you that she waited until you were fully committed to tell you. Then, consider your options and talk to her about them. Maybe you need a divorce, maybe sex isn't important enough to you for this to matter much, maybe you need some kind of agreement where you can sleep with other people so that your needs are met, whatever you think you would need to be fulfilled. Don't stay in a sexless marriage if sex is important to you. You're not doing either of you any favors
Imagine getting a woman marrying a man and then telling the man she's only into other women and won't ever have sex with a man. Or vice versa. This was a deception. Maybe she doesn't see it as such because as ACE she doesn't get the need for sex, but for most people it's a natural instinct and if she's expecting you to simply not have sex, then it's the same as you expecting her to do so. Actually, it's worst in the sense that for most, sex is implied to be a part of being married. Not that your spouse owes it to you, but that you are partners in that sense. There's nothing wrong with her being ACE but she's basically asking you to commit to an ACE lifestyle. When she told you, what did she propose you do for the rest of your life? You need to have a long and uncomfortable discussion with her.
Asking him to commit to something new, out of left field, that he never signed up for, AFTER he committed to the marriage. Bait and switch
100% agree. The wife is selfish, deceptive and manipulative. It’s not acceptable to demand that a sexual person give up their fundamental needs for the sake of the asexual.
She’s counting on him thinking "well, we’ve come this far" and wanting to avoid an annulment/divorce, which is precisely why she waited until now. There is nothing to consider here, no nuances. Divorce/annulment *is* the only answer here.
The agreement is classified as fraud and there is 4 year statute for him to walk away in this case. Lawyer up my dude!
Lol he should have asked a few more questions. Red flag that she had no clear answer as to why they couldn't be intimate. He just assumed.
100 percent this. What in the fuck is wrong with her dude that shit ain’t normal a disclaimer for your life partner seems just and moral.
2 words - annul ment
Yes, she went to the altar deceiving him. Not a true union when one is lying. Despicable.
It's f'n fraud. What a terrible person this lady is. Like the worst!
They never had sex before, and he just figured she was waiting. They're both idiots. But this is a fake story.
> They never had sex before, and he just figured she was waiting. Yeah... in 9 months of dating, how does this conversation never come up?
I'm also one of those idiots. We do exist.
I married someone that didn't like sex. Things started off hot and heavy, but after we got engaged she said that she wanted the honeymoon 'to be special'. I bought it and we didn't have sex for almost a year leading up to the wedding. Then, on our honeymoon, as she was lying in bed in a sexy outfit that she'd bought for the occasion, she told me that she 'didn't feel right about it'. We didn't have sex on the honeymoon at all, and only had sex during our 2 year marriage a handful of times; it was clearly miserable, pity-sex. She refused to talk about it. She refused counseling. Finally, after I left her, she came to me and said that she would consider counseling, but I was absolutely finished with the relationship. I felt deceived, sexually inadequate, and extremely alienated.
She's a fictional character
Right? Like, I don't know what he is going on about. He is just going to stay married and not have sex. Why is he writing here then? This must be fake or he is just hopeless.
Yeah, probably more fake bs. So many posts in this and similar subs that are just complete fiction.
But she is his best friend 🙄🙄🙄but he don’t know she is an asexual! I don’t believe this story at all
The good thing is after the annulment they can stay best friends and any future gf won’t have to worry about her.
They are not best friends obviously! He would probably say the same thing about his future gf! People just love throwing that word around
Crazy thing about the world is that there's so many stupid ass people that even the most ridiculous stories have a greater than zero chance of being true. This one barely moves the needle. Either a true story or a pretty mundane piece of fiction. I wouldn't be surprised either way.
2 words, role-playing chatroom, dude.
If she's a sex-repulsed ace she should absolutely have mentioned that to you before getting married.
I mean….. no discussion of children before marriage? I’m just blown away on how this subject never came up before marriage
Because it’s made up lol
“I’d just figured she wanted to wait until marriage.” Lmao bro just assumed and spent 9 months talking about butterflies and stuff
They dated for 9 months before getting married and there's a 10 year age gap. This whole situation is odd.
This x1000. There are different shades in the asexual spectrum. If she was one that was absolutely 100% not into any sort of sex, she should've mentioned that within weeks of dating, so that your or her weren't wasting their tine.
[удалено]
Most asexuals don't really have a drive for sex and could care less about it, but if their partner really wants sex they can do it, their partner should just not expect as much sex as in a usual couple. "Sex-repullsed" is where sex grosses them out and they really don't want to have sex. The spectrum of aces pretty much lies between those two levels, and then there are subcategories like demisexual and whatnot.
And I find this often comes from a desire for romance and sensuality, despite not feeling sexual attraction. So they'll be like "for the sake of my romantic and sensual partner, I will do something I am less than comfortable with sexually", which is a calculation plenty of people with other orientations make. However, there are definitely people that draw a line and say "no matter what, I do not want to engage sexually" which is their personal right as a boundary, but to marry someone without clearly establishing that boundary is beyond fucked up.
I compare it to watching a movie you don't care about. Your partner wants to watch it, it doesn't interest you, but you'll watch it with them anyways.
And it sucks in a way because people always say that consent to sex should always be enthusiastic and both parties should want to do it. Not implying the ace person doesn’t want to, but it’s like the situation you said where they do it because it interests your partner. I’m not ace but struggle with libido, and a lot of people will get upset if I say that I’ll have sex with my partner when he wants and I’m just kinda like eh, I’m fine with that. My partner especially hates it because he assumes it means I don’t want to do anything at all
I love the intent behind the "enthusiastic" bit in the consent discussions we see today, but I absolutely agree that people are able to consent to things they are not enthusiastic about. Hell, no one is enthusiastic about a dental cleaning or a colonoscopy, but no one is questioning the ability to consent to those based on enthusiasm. I will absolutely do things for my partner that I wouldn't otherwise choose to do, both in the bedroom and outside of it. Why do people only question my ability to consent to bedroom stuff based on enthusiasm when I'd much rather try out a new kink (and hey, maybe I will end up enjoying it even though I'm skeptical) compared to say, attending a football game with my partner?
I'm not interested in sex, but I have no issue with it, and am not unwilling to have sex with someone that I'm far enough into a relationship with. I had a friend who looked like she was about to hurl whenever sex was even mentioned.
I'm not sex repulsed, but I've told people on the first date, just casually drop going to pride wearing the ace flag or something. I don't get in a situation where I'm expected to have feelings I just don't. They don't get in a situation where they are missing something they find essential. Been in a relationship for 8 years now, getting married on our 10th anniversary, never been an issue.
Yup, that’s grounds for an annulment.
And he just assumed she was waiting till marriage. Both suck at communication.
Even non sex-repulsed asexuals struggle a lot in relationships were sex is expected. Different takes, what is akin to a marathon for one (tiring but rewarding and fun to do sometimes) is a need for the other. The asexual person feel pressed and have sex out of compromise and invariably end resenting their partner in the long run.
That really depends on the person. But in this case it's unquestionably something OP's wife should have been upfront about.
I will never understand ace people who aren't upfront about their lack of sexuality. If you don't have sex maybe you should stick to plutonic relationships.
I got married a virgin and didn’t know I was ace. It was a rough start to marriage because I couldn’t figure myself out. We have two kids now and I found that after my second child my sex drive sky rocketed and now I don’t define myself as ace anymore. I truly believe that sometimes it’s a hormonal imbalance thing that needs to be looked at. Truly. But like I said before, be gentle about it, some people just don’t know until their married. And they feel horrible and struggle.
>plutonic relationships Those are either way to explosive or too cold and distant.
As an ace person(and probably also aromantic?), it should be something you make your partner aware of even if you're not sex repulsed. I don't care if I have sex, but I don't find it gross or revulting. I'm incapable of making a person feel "wanted." I don't even get what this means. Would I sleep with someone? I don't know, probably. I will just never care about it. Edit: weirdos on this post, Feel free to stop attempting to diagnose me with various mental illnesses. thank you for reminding me why I tend to not bring it up.
I don't want a divorce and I'm certainly not going to start cheating on her Really Good luck with that
And that’s precisely why she waited until after the wedding to tell him. She was counting on him to say these very things lol. He got played and is still getting played. At this point, if he continues to stay in this marriage and remain abstinent then he deserves the life he is about to have.
He played himself and this 100% likely fake anyway. A girl doesn't put out and he doesn't even question it as a 39 year old. Gtfoh. Yall gullible. The made up story isn't even believable. Just throw cheating, sex, and/or marriage on a post and add some bullsg hit and no mater how outlandish it is folks will eat it up because they love to give opinions on relationships. No dude with an IQ above 2 is gonna not even question that for 9 months. Wake up. Guys ate gonna question and get to the root of it by date 3 or 4 at the latest. Takes 2 seconds to ask why that person isn't putting out especially despite being in a relationship. He saying he never bothered is just beyond unrealistic.
Lol, i give it 3 months, he already waited 9. That will make a year without.
Right? Then why is OP here then.
To write ragebait like most OPs in this sub.
You figured she was waiting for marriage, but never discussed it. Nowhere in your nine-month whirlwind did you have the time to discuss something as significant as your fiancée being asexual? Your options are an annulment if you want to rip off the Band-Aid, or a dead bedroom, resentment, and problems down the line if you like to prolong your suffering.
Like ya’ll didn’t talk about your future, kids no kids? How did you actually know that you wanted to spend the rest of your life together? Zero communication before jumping headfirst in to this lifelong commitment. I don’t buy this story one bit.
Yeah if this is a real story, they’ve both had what’s been coming to them for not choosing to communicate at all and getting married anyway. What on earth have they been talking about for the last 9 months if it hasn’t included any plans for the future or anything?
They weren't talking about anything because this story isn't true.
It’s certainly hard not to whiff at least a partial scent of bullshit around it
How is this comment not higher up? If it wasn't discussed, and from his behaviour he was happy enough without sex to ask her to marry him, there is every possibility that she thought he was asexual too.
Well, he tried having sex with her at some points so why wouldn’t she have said something then? And why wouldn’t he have said something, too, like, oh, you want to wait for marriage to have sex? This was their catalyst for that discussion, but instead this post is claiming that 2 fully grown adults didn’t communicate it at any point when they decided to marry. This story seems fake it’s so childish.
I think this story is implausible.
This exact scenario was posted a few weeks ago. I’m calling bullshit.
He’s 39 and in 9 months this issue never came up? I’m not buying this story. No one thst age could be this naive. Come on
Yeah, I think his age really does kill the story’s credibility. I could buy it if we were talking about a couple of 19-year-olds.
He was claiming to be 28 six months ago. This whole story is a lie.
I don’t think this is real, but I’ve definitely met 39 year olds that naive. In fact, depending on the context, the older the person the more naive. How many 20 year olds fall for scam calls saying their grandson is in a Florida jail and can only be released if they buy $2000 of apple gift cards at Best Buy?
Naive plus fringe your clock ticking and wanting to get married so you can start a family. Happens to guys too. I'm 37 and I'm feeling it. I'm an active guy. I don't want to be 65 when my kids are in high school. I want to be able to run, skate, play with them without worrying about fucking up my back. Dude just ignored it because he believed what he wanted to believe.
There's a lot of polite handholding going on in these comments, so I'm just gonna say it... getting married to someone you knew this little about was reckless irresponsible and stupid of you both. Landing yourself in the dilemma you're describing requires a fundamental lack of communication, empathy and maturity necessary for a successful marriage. You're both pretty fucked, regardless of whether you two can get past the sexual incompatibility piece.
Someone had to say it. OP has to out of his mind of have gone 9 months without discussing this. Dumb move.
> I figured she was waiting until marriage You figured, huh? Not worth discussing this with your _wife to be_.
WHY WAS THIS SO FAR DOWN?
It was driving me crazy
Because these forums are mostly populated by children giving relationship advice to adults/fake stories.
Yeah, this story reeks of fake. Guy is ten years older, a grown ass adult and never once thought to ask "hey we have been dating for quite some time, and you don't want to get naked?" Like WTF. After three dates I would be asking that question, let alone 9 months. Get an annulment and call it a day. I mean what is there even to question here, they aren't compatible. Like damn, did the conversation of kids or anything ever come up? Sexual history, testing, like anything? This almost 40 year old man was so blissfully unaware? JFC. Why is this post even on the front page except to get clicks for the AI language model.
Also… were they doing anything else, any sort of kissing/petting? Because if she’s literally repulsed by sex with him then either they were doing nothing and that’s a red flag, she’s a fantastic actress, or she was doing desultory bare minimum stuff and that’s a red flag.
That’s because this didn’t actually happen
That's because this story is the fakest story ever made, this has literally never happened, or will ever happen, in the history of the universe.
YES THANK YOU. This comment should be higher up. I mean... its clearly fake but the fictional couple in the post are both terrible at communicating & should never have got married.
Yeah, it reads fake. Sure, some people date for 9 months and get married. Some people will not have sex before marriage. Sure some people are asexual and cover it up before marriage. Some people will even assume things about their spouse without asking. But do have all of those boxes checked? Just seems too implausible.
Man an 11 year age difference....no discussion ever about understanding why she was saying no. This person has to be in a 90 day fiancee situation or something because that's fucking weird to not discuss any of this. Like there needs to be a language barrier of some sort to excuse this assery.
"I figured she was waiting until marriage" 9 months and this guy didn't think about asking her... My gf and I talk about everything, from the balls of termites to the lactose intolerance of the milky way in 9 months.
I think a lot of couples literally don't talk to each other about anything lol. Most couples I see just kind of exist around each other.
This Jesus Christ dude.
This can't be real
Seems unlikely dude would repeatedly ask for sex, be told no, and never ask any questions. Instead, he’s like “okay, let’s get married!”
Maybe she told him she was saving herself for marriage. Regardless, if this is real she totally catfished him. You absolutely can be mad at someone’s sexuality if you marry them under the guise that you have the same preferences. If she knew she was ace this whole time and that OP wasn’t, then she stringed him along and disregarded his sexuality in favor of hers. This is like Marge Simpson’s sister’s wedding Edit: never mind, none of this is real and I don’t care anymore
It's fake for sure lololol
What 39 yr old male waits for marriage to a 28 yr old non virgin? Has to be fake.
The kind of 39 year old male who would marry a woman after knowing her for 9 months
You could always tell her you are poly. If she expects you to be cool with her undisclosed asexuality, surely she wouldn't be upset with your polyamory 🤷♀️
Honestly in a lot of marriages where one person is asexual and the other is not, the asexual partner is completely okay with the allosexual partner having sex with someone else. If she is offended by him asking to open the marriage, I would consider that just as much of a red flag as this whole weird lie of omission she did and a giant tell as to what her personality is.
I have a friend in an arrangement like this and it's been going strong for 10 years.
As an Ace, I would consider this pathway for a future relationship. However, as an Ace, there’s always a huge fear that my partner will find someone who they can have both an emotional and physical relationship with. Does anyone else have thoughts on this? Would it be better to let them find a fwb or would you feel more secure just sending them to bars for (well-protected) one night stands? This is all for potential future relationships in my case..
The fact you were together 9 months and didn’t discuss whether she was waiting until after marriage is a bit worrying. Why not talk about things early? It’s such a massive detail. If she was waiting, what if you didn’t want to? Or well, this? Please look into some help to communicate better in relationships or this will keep happening
There is nothing wrong with being asexual, but not telling someone until after you’re married is not okay. That’s a very big aspect of your life that you should discuss beforehand just like you should discuss finances and whether or not you want children.
You aren’t overreacting. However, you should definitely have further inquired as to why she did not want to have sex you with before getting married. Just very hard to understand how no communication regarding this topic came up and you got married.
I agree. It’s understandable thats he’s upset but he can’t be too mad because made an assumption without have the facts
She should have told you from the start. That’s totally not okay to trap someone in to. Her sexuality is totally fine, for a partner who’s okay with it and knows before something like marriage.
Stop assuming other people's intentions and actually ask them. "Are you waiting for marriage?" 9 months with no sex is unusual in adult relationships. And you got married after 9 months?!? You are both red flags here.
Definitely not overreacting. I have absolutely no idea what to do in this situation. Even if you had a Catholic wedding, you could get an annulment for this. Wedding was never consumated.
IIRC, not consummating the marriage may be enough to get an annulment.
Dude. At 37 you didn’t have a sexual conversation with the person you dated for 9 months and then married. WTH is wrong with you? You “just figured” she was waiting for marriage? Yes she should have told you but you also should have brought up your sexual needs at least once in your relationship.
Get an annulment and move on. She wants a platonic relationship, well you don't have to be married to have that.
How on earth did two people get MARRIED without once discussing sex??? Did OP discuss with her whether she was waiting till marriage? Did they talk about it at all???? Baffling!!!
Get an annulment. This is as textbook of a case if I've seen one.
First and foremost, she hid VERY important information. She knew it might jeopardize the relationship if she told you before you were legally stuck and now wants to justify it by saying you have no right to be "upset" over her sexuality. Did she just expect you to be ok with it? What about yours and how it's being COMPLETELY dismissed? You may not want a divorce (For now.), but I can almost guarantee that there will be soul crushing resentment.
Divorce this woman and you can love her like an extended family member or best friend, while you get to the business of finding a wife who won’t marry you under false pretenses.
Get an annulment and go your separate ways. I’m sorry this happened to you OP
Lol. Sucker.
That's dirty and deceitful and grounds for annulment. She's an amazing person? Great, you can stay friends.
You’ve gotten along like best friends because that’s all you are. How do you marry someone and not know the very basics about them? You just assumed she was waiting? Maybe try communicating.
You should not have assumed and she should have told you. Talk about total and complete inability to communicate on both of your parts.
Divorce immediately, this will never work unless your also asexual
You just assumed she was waiting for marriage?? You are both idiots if this is real.
She lied and now it is supposed to affect your entire life?
Since sex isn’t part of marriage for your spouse, let her know that it is part of your life. Either you can have sex outside the marriage or there is no marriage. Her behavior is totally unacceptable.
You married someone without discussing why you weren’t having sex??? Sorry, but wow.
I’d be getting divorced. That’s deceitful.
So you married someone and never had that conversation? Not even kids? That’s wild man. Kinda brought that on yourself
39m 9months dating you wanna tell me sex never came up?? This has to be fake-
No consummation so get a lawyer quick. You may be eligible for an annulment depending on your State based on fraud. It is 100% a reasonable assumption that a marriage would result in sexual relations with your spouse. Don’t wait!
Bro wifed her up after 9 months of no hitting and just assumed she was waiting until marriage with zero discussion about the topic. She should have brought it up, but OP is too old to be finding that out ATF.
This sounds so fake. Like you're trying to paint asexuals or anyone who is not heterosexual in a bad way.
If she decides that she's gay, are you going to become a woman? How much are you willing to do for a woman that will never be compatible with you sexually?
Why is every post in this sub fake?