You’re as blind as OP. I would think his best friend of over 10 years would have a bit more of the right to ask personal question vs the gf of a few months. I get some stuff is personal but if my BEST FRIEND came to me and said they don’t think their significant other loved them then I would want to know in depth why they felt that way because they obviously trust you quite a bit!
The GF should be more concerned on why he feels this way rather than automatically getting defensive and pushing his feelings aside. Unless she starts taking his feelings into consideration then she will lose him.
Lol, if what you got out of that conversation was he is likely banging his best friend that is a very odd thing to get out of that. I mean anything is possible, but nothing about what was posted here suggests that in the slightest.
For real, lol. I think she should be concerned about why her husband feels like she doesn't love him anymore. And why he may not feel comfortable to talk to her about it.
Triage your relationship concerns because addressing the fact that he doesn’t feel love from you anymore is way more important than his discussing details about sex. Which it doesn’t even seem he did.
Like, ma’am. Wake up outta your own worry. Please.
OP didn't use the word anymore. They've only been dating a couple months, it's fine if she's not in love with him yet. If it's a problem for him he should have sought reassurance from her.
OP, you're very focused in on the non-existent "him talking about your sex life" and ignoring the very real "he told her he doesn't think you love him"
honestly OP, red flag. you're so focused on your own issues that you STILL haven't stopped to consider how he's feeling. that also tells me that's probably why he felt he had to go to her in the first place with his frustrations, he probably doesn't feel like he can talk to you about these things.
>She replied asking if I was still sleeping with him.
>This implies they’ve discussed our sex life before.
no, no it doesn't. if my friend told me he doesn't think his GF loves or cares for him, asking if they're still sleeping together would be a very obvious question. your #2 point I agree with, you really shouldn't discuss your sex life outside of the relationship, but that entire point is dependent on him actually doing that.
Why does sleeping with someone always equal love 🤦♀️ that wouldn't even cross my mind to say to someone because they don't think their bf/gf loves them
Because for many people a romantic relationship includes a sexual component. Its absence may not necessarily but it can be a leading indicator of affairs.
You two have been dating a few months and are both already having issues. You should have a talk about your relationship. The exchange you describe is innocent, other than your bf saying he thinks you don’t love him. You said he admitted she’d asked about your sex life in the past but provided no context. If it was in response to a similar statement by him, I don’t see an issue with it. If she asked for details out of the blue, it is weird. Weirder if he provided them. The relationship is young so it isn’t a big deal if you two don’t make a big effort to save it since you’re already having issues and should still be the honeymoon period.
Overreacting.
1. It does not imply that. She assumes that you guys have sex as you are in a committed relationship, and that's the normal thing for couples to do in a relationship, and "not having sex" can be generally seen as confirmation of something bigger going on in the relationship.
2. Simply stating "We are having sex" or "We are not having sex" doesn't seem like a big deal to me personally. If a friend came to me and said he and his significant other were going through a rough patch, and hadn't had sex in a month, I don't see that is a breach of trust.
3. If he doesn't know, that confirms that they aren't going around talking about something that happened 10 years ago, because it's in the past, and they've moved on from it. Plus, what business is it of yours what she tells her husband about her previous sexual partners?
You're assuming a lot here. You need to be focused on the fact that for some reason he thinks you don't love him, and all of this is cementing that fact in his mind because this is your focus.
Edit: I missed where you said you've only been dating a few months. This doesn't really change anything above, except regarding #2, you may want to analyze whether or not this is a serious enough relationship, and whether you think you can handle them being friends in the future if something like this already has you second guessing yourself.
Yeah, when I read "texting her about our sex life" I assumed we we're talking about intimate details, not merely confirming or denying the existence of sex.
Her asking your bf if you are still sleeping with him doesn't imply that they ever discussed your sex life. He was concerned that you didn't love him anymore and that would be one of the first things that would come to mind about any relationship. Not being intimate usually means something isn't right between you. That one question doesn't even remotely mean that they were discussing any intimate details.
This had to be written by a confused 16 year old, I don’t even think you know if you love him by the sounds of it and tbh you probably shouldn’t you’ve only been seeing him for a few months
I hope it wasn’t written by a 16 year old because if so I would be way more concerned with the fact that she is dating someone old enough to have had a sex partner 10 years ago.
>I’ve been dating someone for a few months and recently discovered that he slept with his best friend (female). It was over 10 years ago when she was in the middle of a divorce and **I could somewhat overlook this**
OP, I can't get past the "I could somewhat overlook this". He needs you to forgive him for sleeping with anyone 10 years before you met?? Plus it seems you snooped on his phone, not a great sign for a new relationship.
Besides that, the entire story is strange. He thinks you don't love him, yet he's willing to cut contact with his best friend? I don't buy it. You two seem very incompatible and tbh you seem very controlling/meddling.
How do you know she snooped through the phone though? Maybe he told her. The situation of sleeping with your best friend is awkward and can be messy also so it's usually best if you don't do it to avoid situations like this.
You really think the bf told OP that he texted his bestie saying he thinks OP doesn't love him?
Yes, sleeping with your BFF is awkward and often breaks the friendship, but i was commenting on how OP thinks she needs to "forgive" the bf for this.
It sounds like he needed a friends help and I would say it would be better advice since she has a woman perspective. This is very typical of a friendship. Also, he was upfront about their history so it sounds like he is trying his best to make you feel comfortable with their friendship. This really isn't ringing any alarms in my book.
Something seems off about this account. You said you could forgive your man for sleeping with another woman 10 years ago. If this was before your relationship, why would you need to forgive him? Ultimately, this is your relationship so you do what’s comfortable for you. But your whole post reeks of jealousy. Men talk about their sex lives to their friends and so do women. It doesn’t imply that anyone wants to fuck their friends. You’re the one imagining an emerging affair without concrete evidence. Though you say you’re ok with them being friends, you’re not, because you’ll always suspect they’re talking about sex even if everyone promised they wouldn’t. It’s stupid of you to restrict conversations like this too. You have no idea what any friends talk about in private and if you trust your man, you’d leave it to his principles.
I don't think so, sex is usually very private between boyfriend and girlfriends, partners. I wouldn't want my husband talking about our sex life because quite frankly, it's nobody's business except ours.
Well, I think there's an important distinction that you're married, and also I think that we're all using this phrase "talking about our sex life" to describe a yes or no question of if it exists.
I promise you that if without reason you cut your man off, he's going to go to someone he trusts who he thinks will understand to see what's wrong and what he should do. As his wife, it will hopefully be you, but this girl is just barely getting into her boyfriend's life, and bestie has been in it for a decade.
My best friend is a married woman with kids, and I would absolutely leave a new girlfriend if they thought that they could ask me to cut her off because I went to them about our relationship issues.
Now, if they were getting into steamy details about preferences and mechanics, I'd probably lose my shit as OP.
The way you’ve described it to me does not necessarily constitute “discussing sex life”. Sounds more like a friend trying to help him navigate his concerns. Now if there were talking details I’d agree with you it’s a bit strange.
The bigger issue here is you BF feels like you don’t love him anymore…. Is this true? Why would he feel like this?
Assuming this is coming out of no where your bigger concern should be the lack of confidence he feels in your relationship. Maybe there’s a reason he feels that, but if there isn’t you gotta decide if it’s worth dealing with that type of neediness/drama.
Look, OP, the way you’re acting seems to be pretty clear that his actual concern, that you don’t love him, is actually not a concern, but a reality and you are now fishing for reasons to why you don’t want to be with him anymore that keeps you from being the bad guy who broke his heart.
OP, if you don’t want to be with him, accept you are going to hurt him even though he didn’t do anything wrong. You just aren’t feeling it.
He did nothing wrong here. You however searched the phone of a guy you’ve been dating for only a few months, are finding fault at him having a normal discussion with a friend asking for advice, and receiving a normal response that is not intrusive or indicative of releasing details of your sex life, and are trying your hardest to make him at fault, even if only in your own head. Sometimes in life we are the villain to someone else’s, and as long as we aren’t malicious, we’ve gotta accept that is just the way it is. Right now you’re bordering on being malicious, so stop it.
I don't think she's being malicious because she doesn't want him to talk about their sex life with another female 🤷♀️ I don't want my husband to talk about our sex life either. It makes me uncomfortable and that's okay.
So, you’re uncomfortable with your husband acknowledging that you two have sex?
I completely agree on discussing details of the sex life, but if it’s in the context of a yes/no question, not even about a specific time that sex was had but just in general, and in the context of relationship issues, I think that’s generally acceptable. Like, you’ve never acknowledged that you and your husband have sex to anyone?
Yes, I am uncomfortable with him even discussing our sex life. I've come to learn from a past relationship how awful it can be to find out what they were discussing about you and your sex life. I don't talk about sex life really with anyone because it's nobody's business. We are married and I have three kids, obviously we have sex lol
You realize your last line is as much talking about sex as OP’s bf, that by your own logic your husband should now be upset with you for admitting you have sex….thats all he did.
Sometimes men want advice from females about trouble with other females. Not sure id love my bf asking a girl he’s slept with but I don’t think a breakup is needed. Just discuss boundaries
I don't think it implies that they've spoken about your sex life at all, she could well be presuming you've had sex and is asking if that's stopped as in a well, if she's still having sex it's unlikely she doesn't have feelings for you.
I think you're overreacting.
I think you're overreacting. Is the issue for you trust and that you worry they might hook up?
My GF talks with her friends about our sex life. Hell, she's friends with a few people she used to date. I'm not concerned with any of that because I trust her. Sounds like you need to sit down with him and just talk through your relationship
If she's his best friend, asking him if his partner is still putting out after he explained he doesn't feel loved is completely normal.
It's not someone looking for sex, it's asking a basic question that any therapist would ask.
She's trying to help by finding the cause, asking questions is how you find the cause.
I tried to put that into words as best as I could, hopefully people will understand what I mean.
As a woman, I think your boyfriend is right. He had legitimate concerns. He sought out a woman he felt he could trust, to discuss his concerns, get a woman's POV. You jump on "he talked about our sex life", what about his concerns of he feels like you DONT LOVE him anymore?? You seem only concerned about yourself and not the very core of why he wanted another woman's advice and opinion.
Honestly, I think it's better for him, that you ended things. But yes, you overreacted. He wasn't talking to her about your sex life. He was talking about why he feels you don't love him. Asking if you two have an active bedroom gives insight, it's not like they were talking about how he may or may not have done it last night. For proper advice and insight from the female perspective, a clear picture is needed.
I would literally not even care about my girlfriend discussing our sex life in detail with her best friend even if I've never met them, and it sounds like they didn't even discuss it.
I would 100% no doubt care about my girlfriend thinking I don't love her anymore, no matter the context.
I really don't understand how this is the problem here for you, and immediately thinking about them cheating rather than focussing on how he perceives your feelings for him is a big red flag for me.
I had a male friend that I've been best friends with since 2010. We met because my ex husband slept with his fiance. We slept together twice at the very beginning of our friendship but both decided we'd make better friends than anything else. Since that point in time, up until recently, he'd come to me for advice when it came to his marriage and I'd go to him when I needed advice on my last relationship. It helped to have an opinion from a males point of view and he felt the same when it came to my perspective. I know and respect his wife and always made sure she was ok with our friendship, which she was, even knowing our history. I have changed my opinion slightly in that I think it can be a slippery slope for men/women to confide in each other about very personal things dealing with other partners...I've made mistakes in the past with another friend and know how easily things can happen, so despite having no concerns about this best friend, I've chosen to confide only in my current partner rather than taking issues to friends. I'm not willing to put myself in a situation that might cause rumors or make my partner uncomfortable. Everyone's different with their opinions, but things can happen and people should be aware of that
That he told a close friend that he doesn't think you love. him and was then asked if you still have sex. seems to suggest that they don't text about your sex life or she would know. He is not responsible for her questions. I don't know what his response was but it sounds like he wants relationship advice and went to someone he could trust. I think the real question here is so you love him ? If you don't break up. If you do tell him you want him to discuss your relationship problems with you or consider a professional counsellor.
Maybe
You know the intricacies of your relationship. You are the best to judge. But I just want to say that I had a very close male friend many years ago. Never anything but platonic. We lived states apart. I probably knew more about his friends and family than they all did. I never met any of them.
My fiancé did that same exact thing with his ex. He actually started confiding in a friend that had went through intense amounts of school for marriage therapy. He started to discuss that their love wasn’t in a good place, and things that they were both trying to do, and it just was not working. Well, his ex accused him of cheating on her even though that’s clearly not cheating, and that was the final straw for my fiancé. They have a child together they take care of that child very well together, but something I’ve never worried about was him going back to his ex.
We’ve been together three years now and he is the most to go to work and come home type of person I’ve ever met.
I am in a good place as well with his ex, but I’ve always wanted to ask her at what point did you realize that it wasn’t about the sex and it wasn’t about him talking to other people(about your relationship) but him really trying to repair his relationship?
I don’t ever let pick ups go without me being there, because she is expressed her regret at the situation, and a want to possibly start over, but my fiancé is so past that point with her especially five years past the situation. I respected when we got together he’d already been single for about two years, really giving himself time to heal and get himself together, because he expresses that he was not perfect in his last relationship, but he is always been adamant to everybody that he did not cheat or was ever thinking about cheating. He just wanted to fix his relationship using the resources around him.
If your boyfriend is willing to give you another chance, I would ASAP consider sitting down with him and trying to discuss the relationship again with open ears, because give it a little bit of time, and the right person walks into his life…you might not get a second chance. Definitely the AH girlfriend. Get it together.
PS don’t break up with him and then ask us if he did the right thing, ask us before you break up with him!!
It doesn't imply they have talked about your sex life. Just means they are comfortable with each other discussing issues that personal. That's normal for people that are best friends or have known each other that long. She was prob seeing why he says that he doesn't think you love him. It isn't personal and has nothing to do with you. It's purely the fact that they don't have boundaries about that, many friendships any topic is open not off limits. It sounds like they only slept together once and it's been so many years, I would assume they moved past it or else it would have happened mult times over the years. It sounds like you are uncomfortable with him being on good terms with someone he had a history with. The bigger problem is he doesn't feel like you love him anymore.
You absolutely overreacting absent any additional information.
Have you ever told a friend anything about what happened with a guy? That's kinda what friends do, talk about what's on their mind.
As long as they didn't sleep together when you two were together so he wasn't cheating, your husband has a friend who talks about friend things and you should be happy about that. It doesn't really matter whether they have a penis or vagina. You can be friends with someone who has either anatomy and not cheat on your spouse with them. Or you can have the same anatomy, and *still* cheat on them.
My philosophy is I trust my spouse, I want them to have friends, and we have Life360 for emergencies so we can find each other (which has proven useful) which is an emergency backup. It'd be *hard* (not in the ironic sense, the practical sense) for either of us to cheat.
If she's friends with a guy? Great - invite him over with pants on, we'll grill some burgers and have a great time. Friends with a girl? Great, invite her over and we'll do the exact same thing with her pants on.
Dialogue: "Have you seen the guy's penis while you were with me, or have I seen the girl's vagina without pants on while I was with you? - not fine. Otherwise, be friends with your friends."
Every sitcom ever is about how you sometimes sleep with the wrong people. You move on.
You're overreacting.
It's his best friend, regardless if they've slept with each other before and regardless of the fact she's female. It's his best friend. Best friends generally talk about everything.
It's not such an out of the blue question she's asked, he's stated that he doesn't feel you love him. Asking about sex is a standard enough response to that statement.
Regardless if she's told her now husband that she slept with your bf or not, it's none of your business. She's moved on and got married since what appears to be a one time hook up. And the fact that your bf doesn't know if he knows or not is the exact opposite of a red flag, it shows that your bf and her don't talk about it. They've moved on.
Have you even discussed the fact that your bf clearly feels that you don't love him?! Or are you just focusing on the stuff that actually doesn't matter?
It’s his best friend.. Of course they talk about private things. Who else is he supposed to discuss that with? You sound controlling and that’s not a healthy dynamic. Plus, the elephant in the room is that he feels like you don’t love him. A lot of people’s next question would be “are they still sleeping with you” and that doesn’t mean he’s explicitly discussed your sex life with her before. Even if he has, he’s entitled to discuss that with his BEST FRIEND. It’s been 10 years since they slept together. I wouldn’t trip over that.
You will lose your partner but it won’t be because he may or may not have talked to a friend about your sex life. The man said he doesn’t feel loved by you and you talking about sex as if that’s the main concern. Figure out why he feels the way he does and why he feels that he can’t talk to you about it. Start there and work your way back if it’s such a concern. And yea, you’re overreacting.
I can’t get over the yall being together only a few months and already talking about love and cutting off long term friends to appease insecurities… like girl have y’all even been dating 3 months yet? You said 90 days ago that you were just close with this guy… A few weeks ago is like halfway into yalls current relationship. I think y’all both maybe need to take some time apart
I discovered my ex husband had been back in communications with his ex a few years into our marriage, and had told her intimate things about me. (I'll add, things he always degraded and blamed on me for being with my ex, who turned out to be an awful abusive human. But once I was out of his mind games, I realized I didn't test positive until I was with HIM) It was humiliating he shared that with a complete stranger, let alone someone he'd been intimate with, and for absolutely no reason at all.
I stayed because I had no financial ability to leave. Or he had me believe I couldn't go on without him. I stayed and endured so many more years of shit that I wish I didn't have to try to erase.
I wish I would have seen it clearly enough but marriage and divorce make one incident sound like you're being so dramatic. So, yeah... If I were you I would have left.
Why do you people build up sex like it's some fucking.. I don't know.. Some massive great big god damn deal. It's fucking crazy to me.
They had sex 10 years ago for christ sake, who gives a shit.
Every single girlfriend I've had has spoken to her friends about our sex life, sometimes I didn't care, sometimes it was kinda sucky. Personally, considering every gf I've had has done it, if it was a deal breaker for me I'd be screwed.
Looking at your post history it seems your boyfriend was diagnosed with MS a few years ago and is currently seemingly depressed. You’ve been trying the “reduce screen time and go to the gym” method of curing depression. Maybe that’s why he thinks you don’t love him anymore? Maybe focus on the real problem instead of choosing non existent issues to pick up fights? Either way, YTA OP.
Yes you are overreacting. You looked for a problem that isn't there and likely never was there. So either you purposely looked for a reason to leave him and you are just looking for confirmation bias or you are having second thoughts and if the latter is the case go talk to him and figure this out.
Yes you’re overreacting. Friends talk about their relationships with each other. It’s pretty normal actually
It might be more beneficial to focus on the whole “she doesn’t love me” thing
It is implied that you guys are having sex because you are in a relationship. While happy relationships without sex do exist they are pretty rare compared to those that do have sex. A dead bedroom usually means something is up.
I don’t think it’s really that weird of a question. She is friends with your husband. Friends discuss their personal lives. Her husband not knowing they’ve slept together is Weird though.
If you think people don't discuss their sex life with other people you're a fucking idiot. sex is an infinitely interesting topic. it's selacious and stimulating even if you have no connection to it with that person.
women talk, and men talk. men talking with other men, they'll eviscerate your dogshit head game and lay there dead fish weak fuck game. men talking with other women. it'll be more manipulative/couched "i'm not sure if she loves me" bullshit.
women will def talk about your tiny dick, stupid sex noises. and all the gross things like your hairy back, or dogshit technique/poor foreplay
you should be less concerned he's discussing your sex life(because that's just insecure dumb fuck shit to be concerned over), and more concerned he's reaching out to someone else to discuss his emotional state of mind ....or seeking that emotional support from another woman.
but that's a flaw in your larger relationship. probably because he feels like he can't talk to you. because of your prudish behavior. OR your relationship is largely shit anyway. only being in a few months
Wow. So… you saw a message where your husband is telling his best friend that he doesn’t feel like you love him and your takeaway from that is that he’s *checks notes* talking to his best friend about your sex life?
First, talking to your friends about your sex life is normal and healthy. They slept together once ten years ago. They’re best friends, it hasn’t happened since. You gotta get over it.
Finally, girl fix your fuckin relationship and leave your jealousy out of it. Try to focus on someone other than yourself.
OP is wound up over something that happened before she knew her boyfriend.
OP is wound up over the fact that the friend is asking if she is still sleeping with her BF, after the BF says he is concerned that the OP doesn't love him...
Rather than actually communicate, the OP dumps the boyfriend and starts posting on the net.
Beyond the fact that yes, OP overreacted, OP is the asshole.
Grow up and talk about things in your relationship. You are threatened by the fact he slept with his friend 10 years before you knew him.
I have a best friend I used to have sex with. It was over 40 years ago and we are platonic now. I do talk to her about my marriage because she is one of the people I am closest to in the world. She talks to me about hers, too. We almost never talk about sex, but asking if that part of our lives is healthy is fine. No one other than your sex therapist or reddit needs the gory details. You are over reacting. If you express your preference that your sex life is off limits for discussion and they ignore you, then you can react.
Edit: bumped the send button too soon by accident, lol.
By the title alone it doesn’t sound bad but when you explain it like that. Yeah, in my opinion you are the asshole here lol. Dude was just asking his friend, who is married! For some advice
He's definitely wrong to take your business outside of your relationship. That is extremely disrespectful and you aren't wrong to feel hurt.
However, if you're withholding sex, you're psychologically abusing him....plain and simple....if you don't love him, then cut him loose. You need to focus on what you did, or haven't done to have caused him to look for outside support. If you'll start loving him the way he needs to be loved, you'll be amazed at how much better he treats you and how much more respect he'll show you.
Or you can keep doing what all the feminist on here tell you is ok....then bitch and moan on here again when he starts sleeping with that friend or someone else, get a couple cats and join the "he-woman man-hater" club. You can't withhold sex and then bitch because a man steps out. Sex is part of a package deal in a relationship. If you remove sex, then you're in breach of the commitment you made to him.
I mean when I had a best friend who wasn't my wife I discussed my sex life with them and they me. It's kinda what happens. I mean I still do discuss it with my wife but the conversations are different.
And why the red flag that he doesn't know if her hubby knows about them having sex before he met her? I mean I had sex with other women before my wife an inwere together. And she had sex with other men. Hell I have met one of her exes and we are friends ish (he dated her BFF for a bit. He is a nice guy but he didn't show any interest in her nor her him.)
As others have said if you want to stay with your bf, and honestly from what he was asking her and your reactions it seems like you are just looking for an excuse, then maybe show interest in why he feels like you don't love him. Make an effort. And if you don't just break up with him.
As a girl who had a male friend i hooked up with YEARS ago, and we continued to be friends and he got married and has a kid and i love that for him- I don’t want him.
Matter fact, i was so happy somebody married him bc he deserves to be happy and even better that its not me!!
My $0.02, definitely seems like you're over-reacting. They slept together over 10 years ago, and if they wanted to be together - they likely would just be together.
Friends talk about stuff. My friend tells me basically every time he hooks up with someone. I had another that even told me when he took care of himself, and went into other details. People are weird and yes, inter-gender makes it different a bit, but nothing out of the ordinary here. My best friend was a woman a long time ago and we talked about a lot of stuff.
From what you're saying it only sounds like he's going to her for advice. If you don't like him discussing your sex life with other people that's a perfectly fair expectation to have no matter what your reasons are. If I were in your shoes I'd probably suggest couples therapy before calling a relationship off, a more safe/structured place to get a neutral 3rd perspective. It sounds like that's all he's really after, but I'm just assuming.
It's also fair for him to say hey, no, this is my friend and when I need support for something I'm going to go to them for support so maybe you reacted appropriately. Who knows. I know I wouldn't like it if my wife started talking to guy friends about our relationship problems, I wouldn't like it at all.
just ignore the fact that he says he thinks you don't love him and go right to made up red flags LOL.
you're fine with them being friends but need to police their conversation?
sounds to me like the bedroom is dry, you know it, and he's complaining about it. you found out what he said, now your feelings are hurt, and you're upset. what about his feelings that lead to this? why is he frustrated and upset with you so much that he feels the need to reach out to another woman for help?
NTA. You’re not required to waste more time on this relationship. If you disagree on whether this is a dealbreaker, you’re simply incompatible (which is in itself a dealbreaker).
I have a close friend that I used to date in college… we still chat but not about sex. I ask about his wife because she’s amazing, but nah that’s a violation.
Honestly he needs to cut contact with her because they have previously had sex. Period. I don't think you are overreacting.
I would tell him to talk to his guy friends and not be seeking another womans opinion for relationships
Because first she doesn't know the person he's enough to help. Second you both dont know what her intentions of helping are. Also, if you are two months in and he is talking to ex sex partners about concerns with your relationship it had no future. I'd it off and find someone else more suited too.
In a couple months you should both independently know you are or aren't compatible based on dates, discussions and interactions.
Within 3 months of a long distance relationship I knew my partner was the one for me.
I have alot of experience with dating the wrong person. If it isn't someone who feels like your best friend and lover. Someone you can talk about anything with, laugh and cry together it isn't gonna work well.
I'm not saying you can't mush it together and make something but you definitely wont feel peace and happiness. Break it off heal and move on.
The question makes sense in context, in that he was wondering if you still loved him. And she’s married and it doesn’t sound like they were flirting. I’d only be concerned if they were flirting or doing non-friend things.
It is worrying that you didn’t see him wondering whether you loved him as serious, and if I was him I’d be worrying about the future of the relationship based on that alone.
So ur ready to end this relationship with something that implies that they spoke about ur sex life. Did he admit to talking bout ur sec life with her. She just asked a question, which actually is a legit question after hearing about I don’t think my GF loves me. So here the thing do. Ur not concerned that he things u don’t love him, that’s the thing u need to be discussing with him not getting upset because u think he may have talked about ur sex life. Did he even answer the question because u didn’t say.
Where’s the part where you broke up with him? Also, dead bedroom is a sure sign of issues in a relationship, he asked for her advice and she spoke to him about it
If you are willing to break up with him for this then you really don’t love him or like him like that to begin with so that confirms his concerns. sounds like you are on the same page lol
What she asked doesn’t lend to the fact they’ve spoken about your sex life before. I speak to almost every male friend I have about their sex life and mine. People need advice and when you’re a good friend you discuss so many topics. Especially when you want the opinion of the opposite sex to give you insight. You need to find a different partner and make sure you tell them they can’t have friends of the opposite gender or discuss their sex life with anyone. You are so uptight.
Stay on track; this has nothing to do with him sleeping with her or them being friends. He has absolutely no business discussing your sex life with anyone else. Period. If he has questions, he needs to discuss them with you-- this is what being in a relationship is. You know your feelings, she doesn't. Boys talk, men know to keep their mouths shut. Find yourself a man.
Gf sounds exhausting. Guy didn't do anything wrong. There is no proof he said anything in particular to his friend. He was concerned and asked her what she thought. I'd be gone
Yes
No only if you had a bad experience which caused trust issues. In which case you should work on that and being single maybe for the best. Or if you don't feel that like is becoming love.
Nobody should be discussing their sex life with a past partner when they are in a current relationship. It could be him seeking sympathy which could lead to his friend preposition him. It's inappropriate. A therapist? Sure, not some random person he slept with once.
Another bizarre takeaway is this guy questioning whether you love him and you've only been dating several months?
Breaking up was the best decision in my opinion.
I definitely think you overreacted in breaking up with him. I can totally understand not warning your boyfriend to discuss your sex life with another woman. I get that. But it sounds like he is perfectly willing to make moves to accommodate you. You should definitely be more concerned about the fact that, he doesn’t think you really care about him and that he doesn’t feel like he can come to you and talk to you about it.
I'd be more concerned about why he thinks you don't love him. Then, I would set some boundaries about what information you're willing for him/you to share with outside parties.
If they have been intimate that is going to plague you, especially if he is sharing intimacy situations. He needs to draw some boundaries so that you are comfortable, that isn't fair. Would he be okay with you doing that with a guy friend? That is simply not okay in no relationship lines. If they are having THOSE kind of conversations they still have a thing, I'm sorry for those that disagree but facts are facts. You don't go back from bedding someone and those ties will always be there. Married or otherwise doesn't matter in this day and age and if he is bleeding that kind of bs into texts with her for sympathy, empathy and a possible pity lay then you are just a sitting duck for pain. Red flags all around.
(For those saying they have been together for a short period of time and should worry more about relationship triage because he doesn't think she loves him: If they have been together that short a period then SHE should be aware of the fact that another woman is finding out information about their blooming relationship. So she can't ask questions or put her foot down because they have been together too short a period but he can manipulate the system between two women to have the best of both worlds and boohoo over her possibly not LOVING him? Reread what you write, that is ignorant af.)
I would blow the top off of that situation and create a group text and call them both out. "If you guys wanna be friends cool, but what he and I do in our bedroom is our business. A) So and so STOP sharing our information with a woman you slept with. B) So and so you are MARRIED and discussing another couples sex life with a man you slept with ten years ago. C) If this continues, I am GONE.
Some things DO require boundaries as much as people play it off that they are simply not needed in 2024, not all women want to tolerate that kind of behavior and not all women are decent individuals. Both parties are equally to blame here.
Absolutely 100% NTA.
OP, would love to hear your side.
Which bothers you more, that he didn't think you loved him, or that he breeched your privacy.
If it's the former, then the simple advice I'd give is to get to know bestie. She's married with kids, and it's super unlikely that they'll ever get together, and that will either be reinforced or corrected as you get to know her and begin to understand why it's not his kid, and why that fling didn't become something more. In the meantime, talk to him about what he's seeing, and be nice. Assume he wants you to be happy. Most people don't like living with unhappy people, and he cares enough about you to ask for help, which is hard to do as a guy
If it's the latter, I'm going to recommend that you leave him. You're overreacting, but honestly that's understandable, and you're not crazy. That said, you don't value this relationship. You think that you do, and that's normal, but I'm telling you, you aren't into it enough to make it work. Break it off nicely, and find someone else. I would refrain from sleeping with someone before getting to the point where the main freakout would be the thinking you don't love him, but your body is yours to use how you see fit.
I hope you don't feel judged by my reply. I assumed you truly want what's best for you and for him, and I really hope that you guys end up happy, whether that's together or apart.
If you really didn't care that they were friends this whole post wouldn't be happening. It would be a "that's not really her business" response and then you would be done with it.
Stop lying to yourself.
Same thing I told the last guy. It is entirely possible for exes to remain friends and not harbor feelings for one another. She asked a simple question. Had it come from a guy friend would you have reacted the same way? Consider leaving him because his male friend was asking about your sex life?
You are more than likely overreacting yes.
Actually, I think you’re overthinking al lot of this. In number two you stated you don’t think it’s right for somebody to talk about their current sex life with someone they’ve slept with in the past. Quite frankly, I think it’s way out of line for anybody to discuss their sex life with anyone else outside of the relationship. For me, it would be an invasion of privacy, also, maybe he has not talked about your sex life. Maybe she’s just assuming that since the two of you are in a relationship, you are having sex and that’s why she asked him.
If my best friend of either sex was like "i dont think my person is into me anymore." My first question would def be "are yall still fucking?" And then my next question would be "how frequently are yall fuckin?"
Doesnt mean im fuckin either of them. Doesnt mean i want to either. Receiving and giving physical intimacy is key to ensuring a partner feels wanted and secure in a relationship. It displays on a base level attraction, interest & trust.
From what you provided it does not sound like your partner was discussing yalls bedroom activities i.e how you polish the tip or how he likes it when u peg him or whether or not the handcuffs come out on Sundays. But its also valid if you are uncomfortable with them discussing yalls bedroom activities. Thats a boundry you have to set in ur relationship. How would he know you disapprove before you communicate that too him? What you find acceptable conversation vs his views are entirely black boxes unless you or he discuss it.
Also why is it a redflag if HE doesnt know if HER HUSBAND doesnt know they drunkenly smashed once upon a night a decade ago. Was he supposed to alert him to the fact at some point like "uhh Phil, Betty and i made the beast with two backs on 10-12-2014 after a night at Flamin Capes." Do you give a detailed account of all your past sexual encounters to everyone youve been in a relationship with? Id infer you dont since you dont think its right to talk about your sex life with people youre not having sex with.
Imo youre overreacting.
Naw, a few months in and he's already expecting you to feel 'loves' and texting an ex about your supposed relationship problems and sex life... moving on is a good idea
It's weird because a lot of girls will defend their right to tell their friends every explicit detail TO THE DEATH but as a dude, share one or two things and that very self same woman who has told her girlfriends your length and girth and done an impersonation of your O face, will absolutely lose it on you.
lovingly, you’re overreacting. it sounds like there’s a trigger there. it’s okay to set a boundary that you don’t want them talking about your sex life but if you haven’t done that before, they are best friends so that feels natural for them to discuss it to be real. and they did hook up over 10 years ago, i’m sure neither of them think about it anymore.
my current partner has a best friend of over 10 years and they’ve slept together a couple times in the past. it’s not my favorite thing to think about but i see how important his friendship is to him and how much more platonic love there is there than anything else. it was way before I ever knew him. i’ve also tried forging a better friendship with him because i want my partner to feel like his people care about each other.
I think maybe there are some other things to consider here like insecurity in the relationship, sex, etc. turn inward and be curious about whats really bugging you.
"I’ve been dating someone for a few months and recently discovered that he slept with his best friend (female). It was over 10 years ago when she was in the middle of a divorce and I could somewhat overlook this, except I found out that he had texted her a few weeks ago saying he thinks I don’t love him. She replied asking if I was still sleeping with him."
COULD SOMEWHAT OVERLOOK THIS?
Yeah, the sex life he had 10 years ago, way before he met you, is really not something you should overlook or undertook or... why are you looking?
HE HAD TEXTED HER A FEW WEEKS AGO ≠ I'M FINE WITH THEM BEING FRIENDS
Hmmm... so he asked his friend about troubles he is having in his relationship, and you're wigging out because she asked if you're still having sex? That IS one of the signs of whether the relationship is healthy or not. Seems like a natural thing for her to ask.
Speaking of which... SAYING HE THINKS I DON'T LOVE HIM
You got all hot and bothered over her asking about your sex life, and didn't spend 1 second of your time focusing on the BIG PROBLEM HERE... that your boyfriend is feeling insecure about your relationship. And rather than addressing that and either reassuring him about your feelings or talking to him about the issues you have with the relationship, you dove down THIS rabbit hole!
I REALLY HOPE YOU DID BREAK UP WITH HIM. DUDE DODGED A BULLET IF YOU DID.
Please think about this mistake a bit before you try to start another adult relationship.
Shalom
Updateme
Yes you are over reacting. Asking if you guys are still sleeping together is not exactly discussing your sex life. It’s a valid question to determine if you are still into him. Obviously, you don’t love him or you wouldn’t break up over this. Guess he was right to worry.
I think he was simply asking for advice/perspective in his concern about the relationship. Also I’m not liking his offering to cut contact with his best friend so quickly. You can be best friends with someone you’ve had history with, with absolutely no risk to current and future relationships once people are respectful and mature. These can be the closest of friendships, and they didn’t become a couple 10 yrs ago or since for a reason.
I’d be gutted if my best friend offered to cut contact with me over someone he was dating a few months if there was no good reason (I.e. we’re just friends now) and he’d come to me for advice. I wouldn’t want my BF offering to treat his bestie like that either.
Also, if they are anything like mine, these close friendships have likely seen the BF through some pretty tough times over the yrs. Different sexes can have epic and solid friendships…and have healthy relationships.
Dump him immediately and move on. If this early on he is already showing you disrespect of the most fundamental kind, your future is doomed if you hook up with him. Start finding a new place to live immediately!
Honestly, it is a somewhat common (perhaps not modest) thing to ask a person who feels they may not be loved. Lack of affection obviously can be a sign. I can also see how he may have just answered without truly thinking. It is a question that’s asked often.
I would have let it slide while firmly stating that even telling a person if you sleep together is a hard no. I would only break up if this was already established.
The fact that he was talking to her about it and not you yells me you weren’t overreacting, OP. Either he still has feelings for her, or he doesn’t feel comfortable talking with you, and either one is bad.
My only thing is this... if he can bang his best friend when she's still with her husband .. what makes you think he won't bang his best friend even if he's with you? Or maybe he already has.
You're getting caught up in the legality of it. If you're getting divorced, the relationship is already dead and over. You're just waiting for the government to catch up.
There is a difference between asking a friend if the couple is still finding time to be intimate and asking a friend about how often and how much pleasure you find with your partner in the depths of that intimacy. All of my friends would ask me if me and the wife are still being intimate or still having sex, none of my friends want to know the details, they’ve already been told enough without ever asking. My ex wife was very detailed about our sex life at many get togethers with many of my friends.
Yes. Everyone needs someone to vent to. You don't have to worry about him cheating on you with her, they've been friends for over a decade and he had to get drunk to do it the first time.
You want a man that has a "girl friend" that he can vent to. She can give him advice from your perspective and get advice on how you may feel about things. If he's venting to one of the boys, they are just validating him or boosting his testosterone.
Who cares if he talks about your sex life with her? You are the one he wants to be with. He isn't texting her saying "oh yea, we do this in bed but I wish it was you instead". He may have been looking for pointers or telling her about something that you do that he really enjoys.
Everyone needs an outlet where they can go and vent about things without fear of reprisals. Your man has a friend that he feels comfortable talking to about you. She has a life of her own and isn't trying to take him from you. He's even willing to cut her off when she hasn't done anything wrong and could be losing a ten year friendship because you are a bit insecure. I'm not poking fingers or anything like that, nor am I being accusatory. Usually it happens because you've been hurt or ridiculed in some way. You don't have to be ashamed of your man talking about your sex life, embrace it. Let it empower you. He enjoys being with you and wanted to tell his girl friend about it. Sometimes, for guys too, they like the mushy parts of sex but they don't talk to other guys about it. Some of them really enjoy the kissing, and cuddling or going slow and taking their time to do certain things for you. When they are with other guys talking about it, it's a lot of "boys will be boys"- "I wrecked her uterus" bullshit. But when he's talking about it with her, he can be honest and actually express his favorite things about being with you.
If you didn't find anything along the lines of them trying to be together or go behind your back and have sex, then I definitely think you're overreacting. Think about why these things upset you so much and maybe have a conversation with the girl instead. You both "love" the same man in different ways and there's no GOOD, logical reason why that man can't have love in his life from the both of you.
Waaaay too many assumptions were made.
First, you permitted the friendship and didn’t create a boundary early on. Second, you can’t all of a sudden change the rules of their friendship. We are adults and it’s okay to ask that question without delving into details. From your post, it doesn’t appear that that line was crossed.
Third, you validated his theory of you not loving him by dumping him so fast on weak assumptions.
So, as a random internet stranger, do you bang your boy? You're very glossing over the fact that he thinks you don't love him and she rightfully asked a good follow up question, it's one most of us would regardless of genders. Care to elaborate on that for us?
Also, in no way does that question imply that they have spoken about y'alls sex life before. Perhaps they have, but that one question is not an indicator of that, so other than a seemingly overreaction, do you have any other instances of this?
Seems like you want out of this relationship and are too scared to end it for some reason and are looking to make him break up with you so you have someone to blame.
She’s not just “someone he slept with”, she’s his best friend of decades.
He’s not “discussing your sex life”. Her asking if y’all were still intimate is not an indicator that they discussed your sex life previously. Asking if there’s a dead bedroom is pretty common when discussing relationship issues.
So what if she’s married with a kid, they aren’t doing anything inappropriate.
You sound more like you have an issue with the fact that he’s still friends with someone he slept with a decade ago than the topic of conversation.
You seem to have an issue with their actual friendship.
I suggest maturing, they have been friends for many years and it was a long time in the past.
You’ve only been dating a few months and he already thinks you “don’t love him anymore”. I’d be surprised that you two already think you’re “in love” so quickly in the first place, but if he’s already concerned that you’ve “fallen out of love with him” before you’ve even hit the 6 month mark that should be more of your concern than his friend.
I think you should go ahead and break up now because it’s not fair to expect him to give up his long term best friend because you can’t handle that they slept together ten years ago.
He was willing to go NC with his best friend of many years because his girlfriend of a few months wanted to break up over her insecurity issues. Like dude, grow a spine.
Yeah your overreacting to me.
1. It is not a red flag that he doesn't know if her husband knows about them having slept together 10 years ago. Heck I would consider it more of a red flag if he DID know since it doesn't sound like them having sex is really something important to either of them and him knowing that would imply that it was more important than they were letting on.
2. If you are okay with them being friends (personally I would be but not everyone would be) he should be able to be friends with them, and certainly going to your friends to discuss their feelings about their partner potentially not loving them is a pretty healthy thing to do.
3. Your reaction was honestly appalling here, so he feels unloved and uncared for and your response is to make it about his friend and break up with him. I mean honestly based on this post I think it might be better off for your Ex if you do go through with the breakup because he was already feeling insecure and unappreciated with the relationship, did a very normal thing to get an outside perspective on the relationship and your response was to make HIM prove that he cares about you and break up with him
So go ahead and leave him, honestly I think you will both be happier for it.
How do you know he discussed your sex life? He told her that he thought you didnt love him and she asked if you two were still sleeping together. It could have been she assumed that since you two have been dating that you were sleeping together (I would have made this leap as well) and was curious before offering her answer to his question.
Guessing you don’t love him but would feel more justified breaking up if you convince yourself it’s his fault for crossing an unspoken line in the sand??? Your love or lack there of has nothing to do with sex last decade.
eh i wouldn’t date someone that is still close friends with someone they once slept with, while they discuss our relationship issues. come talk to me or your guy friends - not someone you had sex with.
Are they discussing intimate details of your sex life or broadly discussing a dead bedroom which is two different things.
If anything it looks more like he’s seeking relationship advice for waning intimacy and wants outside advice as he needs a female perspective as men and women can have very different wants and needs and probably wants to be reassured that it’s simply not just that you don’t desire him specifically.
Also if he’s been speaking to a few friends about the relationship it seems like he’s must really be trying to work through something, maybe a breakup is best at this point if he isn’t feeling the love and you’re willing to drop him already.
Ok the bottom is how can you be in love with someone you have been with only a few months? Love takes time to develop and bloom. I guess I don’t believe in love at first sight. Lust yes, love? No.
Based on the headline I assumed this was high school or college drama.
It wasn't even a detail of your sex life. Just if sex is happening. That doesn't seem like a crazy thing to talk about.
Her husband not knowing isn't really a red flag. Not everyone sits down and writes out a list of everyone they've ever slept with one they start a relationship. It might not be a secret, just something that has never been brought up before. And now it's too late to just blurt it out.
The issue is having a best friend who is of the opposite sex. It will generate issues for lots of people like OP. OP says that she doesn’t mind her boyfriend having a friend with whom he has had sex. Of course she says that. It is the culturally accepted norm, so she repeats what her social group agrees about. A lot of you will get pissed that I have written this, but cheating often starts with just being friends. Say what you like, but that is how people behave. Sex drive comes second after making sure that you have a full belly.
It kind of sounds like you're concerned about the wrong thing here. And considering the context her question does make sense.
She should be more concerned about the possibility that he's banging his best friend behind her back.
She should be even more concerned by the fact that he thinks she doesn't love him.
They've only been dating a couple months, how could she love him????
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You’re as blind as OP. I would think his best friend of over 10 years would have a bit more of the right to ask personal question vs the gf of a few months. I get some stuff is personal but if my BEST FRIEND came to me and said they don’t think their significant other loved them then I would want to know in depth why they felt that way because they obviously trust you quite a bit! The GF should be more concerned on why he feels this way rather than automatically getting defensive and pushing his feelings aside. Unless she starts taking his feelings into consideration then she will lose him.
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Lol, if what you got out of that conversation was he is likely banging his best friend that is a very odd thing to get out of that. I mean anything is possible, but nothing about what was posted here suggests that in the slightest.
For real, lol. I think she should be concerned about why her husband feels like she doesn't love him anymore. And why he may not feel comfortable to talk to her about it.
*boyfriend of a few months. Not her husband, which makes it even less suspicious in my opinion.
She's only been dating her boyfriend a few months.
🎯
I wonder if they live close to each other. She said she’s never met her.
That got me wonder too. Also the friend's question indeed make sense.
That's not the issue here.
But he’s not. It was before they met.
I guarantee it.
Triage your relationship concerns because addressing the fact that he doesn’t feel love from you anymore is way more important than his discussing details about sex. Which it doesn’t even seem he did. Like, ma’am. Wake up outta your own worry. Please.
OP didn't use the word anymore. They've only been dating a couple months, it's fine if she's not in love with him yet. If it's a problem for him he should have sought reassurance from her.
Reading comprehension is weak on this thread
OP, you're very focused in on the non-existent "him talking about your sex life" and ignoring the very real "he told her he doesn't think you love him" honestly OP, red flag. you're so focused on your own issues that you STILL haven't stopped to consider how he's feeling. that also tells me that's probably why he felt he had to go to her in the first place with his frustrations, he probably doesn't feel like he can talk to you about these things. >She replied asking if I was still sleeping with him. >This implies they’ve discussed our sex life before. no, no it doesn't. if my friend told me he doesn't think his GF loves or cares for him, asking if they're still sleeping together would be a very obvious question. your #2 point I agree with, you really shouldn't discuss your sex life outside of the relationship, but that entire point is dependent on him actually doing that.
Exactly. It doesn’t imply anything. She’s simply asking an obvious question and trying to help him figure out what might be happening.
Why does sleeping with someone always equal love 🤦♀️ that wouldn't even cross my mind to say to someone because they don't think their bf/gf loves them
Because for many people a romantic relationship includes a sexual component. Its absence may not necessarily but it can be a leading indicator of affairs.
>you really shouldn't discuss your sex life outside of the relationship Well, that's just, like, your opinion, man. Not everyone is bothered by it.
Yep she didn't even discuss it fully with him to sort this out before breaking up with him. Overreaction for sure
You two have been dating a few months and are both already having issues. You should have a talk about your relationship. The exchange you describe is innocent, other than your bf saying he thinks you don’t love him. You said he admitted she’d asked about your sex life in the past but provided no context. If it was in response to a similar statement by him, I don’t see an issue with it. If she asked for details out of the blue, it is weird. Weirder if he provided them. The relationship is young so it isn’t a big deal if you two don’t make a big effort to save it since you’re already having issues and should still be the honeymoon period.
I wouldn't assume by that text that they have discussed your sex life. Did you ask him if he talked about your sex life with her?
Overreacting. 1. It does not imply that. She assumes that you guys have sex as you are in a committed relationship, and that's the normal thing for couples to do in a relationship, and "not having sex" can be generally seen as confirmation of something bigger going on in the relationship. 2. Simply stating "We are having sex" or "We are not having sex" doesn't seem like a big deal to me personally. If a friend came to me and said he and his significant other were going through a rough patch, and hadn't had sex in a month, I don't see that is a breach of trust. 3. If he doesn't know, that confirms that they aren't going around talking about something that happened 10 years ago, because it's in the past, and they've moved on from it. Plus, what business is it of yours what she tells her husband about her previous sexual partners? You're assuming a lot here. You need to be focused on the fact that for some reason he thinks you don't love him, and all of this is cementing that fact in his mind because this is your focus. Edit: I missed where you said you've only been dating a few months. This doesn't really change anything above, except regarding #2, you may want to analyze whether or not this is a serious enough relationship, and whether you think you can handle them being friends in the future if something like this already has you second guessing yourself.
Yeah, when I read "texting her about our sex life" I assumed we we're talking about intimate details, not merely confirming or denying the existence of sex.
Yeah, he shared a “yes/no”. Not how you can only get off by having eyelashes gently tickling your booty cheeks while you are in full clown makeup.
Underrated comment
All of this is what OP needs to hear most.
This. 100%
Her asking your bf if you are still sleeping with him doesn't imply that they ever discussed your sex life. He was concerned that you didn't love him anymore and that would be one of the first things that would come to mind about any relationship. Not being intimate usually means something isn't right between you. That one question doesn't even remotely mean that they were discussing any intimate details.
This had to be written by a confused 16 year old, I don’t even think you know if you love him by the sounds of it and tbh you probably shouldn’t you’ve only been seeing him for a few months
I hope it wasn’t written by a 16 year old because if so I would be way more concerned with the fact that she is dating someone old enough to have had a sex partner 10 years ago.
The realities of the real world
>I’ve been dating someone for a few months and recently discovered that he slept with his best friend (female). It was over 10 years ago when she was in the middle of a divorce and **I could somewhat overlook this** OP, I can't get past the "I could somewhat overlook this". He needs you to forgive him for sleeping with anyone 10 years before you met?? Plus it seems you snooped on his phone, not a great sign for a new relationship. Besides that, the entire story is strange. He thinks you don't love him, yet he's willing to cut contact with his best friend? I don't buy it. You two seem very incompatible and tbh you seem very controlling/meddling.
How do you know she snooped through the phone though? Maybe he told her. The situation of sleeping with your best friend is awkward and can be messy also so it's usually best if you don't do it to avoid situations like this.
You really think the bf told OP that he texted his bestie saying he thinks OP doesn't love him? Yes, sleeping with your BFF is awkward and often breaks the friendship, but i was commenting on how OP thinks she needs to "forgive" the bf for this.
If you have any reasonable doubt about his loyalty and faithfulness then leave him.
The fucking questions you people ask sometimes. Holy shit. 😂
It sounds like he needed a friends help and I would say it would be better advice since she has a woman perspective. This is very typical of a friendship. Also, he was upfront about their history so it sounds like he is trying his best to make you feel comfortable with their friendship. This really isn't ringing any alarms in my book.
Something seems off about this account. You said you could forgive your man for sleeping with another woman 10 years ago. If this was before your relationship, why would you need to forgive him? Ultimately, this is your relationship so you do what’s comfortable for you. But your whole post reeks of jealousy. Men talk about their sex lives to their friends and so do women. It doesn’t imply that anyone wants to fuck their friends. You’re the one imagining an emerging affair without concrete evidence. Though you say you’re ok with them being friends, you’re not, because you’ll always suspect they’re talking about sex even if everyone promised they wouldn’t. It’s stupid of you to restrict conversations like this too. You have no idea what any friends talk about in private and if you trust your man, you’d leave it to his principles.
I don't think so, sex is usually very private between boyfriend and girlfriends, partners. I wouldn't want my husband talking about our sex life because quite frankly, it's nobody's business except ours.
Well, I think there's an important distinction that you're married, and also I think that we're all using this phrase "talking about our sex life" to describe a yes or no question of if it exists. I promise you that if without reason you cut your man off, he's going to go to someone he trusts who he thinks will understand to see what's wrong and what he should do. As his wife, it will hopefully be you, but this girl is just barely getting into her boyfriend's life, and bestie has been in it for a decade. My best friend is a married woman with kids, and I would absolutely leave a new girlfriend if they thought that they could ask me to cut her off because I went to them about our relationship issues. Now, if they were getting into steamy details about preferences and mechanics, I'd probably lose my shit as OP.
Yes you are. Holy f.. leave him for his own sake.
The way you’ve described it to me does not necessarily constitute “discussing sex life”. Sounds more like a friend trying to help him navigate his concerns. Now if there were talking details I’d agree with you it’s a bit strange. The bigger issue here is you BF feels like you don’t love him anymore…. Is this true? Why would he feel like this? Assuming this is coming out of no where your bigger concern should be the lack of confidence he feels in your relationship. Maybe there’s a reason he feels that, but if there isn’t you gotta decide if it’s worth dealing with that type of neediness/drama.
Look, OP, the way you’re acting seems to be pretty clear that his actual concern, that you don’t love him, is actually not a concern, but a reality and you are now fishing for reasons to why you don’t want to be with him anymore that keeps you from being the bad guy who broke his heart. OP, if you don’t want to be with him, accept you are going to hurt him even though he didn’t do anything wrong. You just aren’t feeling it. He did nothing wrong here. You however searched the phone of a guy you’ve been dating for only a few months, are finding fault at him having a normal discussion with a friend asking for advice, and receiving a normal response that is not intrusive or indicative of releasing details of your sex life, and are trying your hardest to make him at fault, even if only in your own head. Sometimes in life we are the villain to someone else’s, and as long as we aren’t malicious, we’ve gotta accept that is just the way it is. Right now you’re bordering on being malicious, so stop it.
I don't think she's being malicious because she doesn't want him to talk about their sex life with another female 🤷♀️ I don't want my husband to talk about our sex life either. It makes me uncomfortable and that's okay.
So, you’re uncomfortable with your husband acknowledging that you two have sex? I completely agree on discussing details of the sex life, but if it’s in the context of a yes/no question, not even about a specific time that sex was had but just in general, and in the context of relationship issues, I think that’s generally acceptable. Like, you’ve never acknowledged that you and your husband have sex to anyone?
Well, that’s a stretch.
Yes, I am uncomfortable with him even discussing our sex life. I've come to learn from a past relationship how awful it can be to find out what they were discussing about you and your sex life. I don't talk about sex life really with anyone because it's nobody's business. We are married and I have three kids, obviously we have sex lol
So that's a yes
You realize your last line is as much talking about sex as OP’s bf, that by your own logic your husband should now be upset with you for admitting you have sex….thats all he did.
I'd be mad. Talking about our sex life on reddit. /s
Just break up with him. This relationship doesn't seem like it's going anywhere. Not every relationship needs to become serious.
Sometimes men want advice from females about trouble with other females. Not sure id love my bf asking a girl he’s slept with but I don’t think a breakup is needed. Just discuss boundaries
I don't think it implies that they've spoken about your sex life at all, she could well be presuming you've had sex and is asking if that's stopped as in a well, if she's still having sex it's unlikely she doesn't have feelings for you. I think you're overreacting.
Sounds like your partner has concerns that you're not addressing but you're focused on the part that was least important.
Oof weird how that was your reaction. This is a grown adult getting a good friends perspective and advice.
I think you're overreacting. Is the issue for you trust and that you worry they might hook up? My GF talks with her friends about our sex life. Hell, she's friends with a few people she used to date. I'm not concerned with any of that because I trust her. Sounds like you need to sit down with him and just talk through your relationship
If she's his best friend, asking him if his partner is still putting out after he explained he doesn't feel loved is completely normal. It's not someone looking for sex, it's asking a basic question that any therapist would ask. She's trying to help by finding the cause, asking questions is how you find the cause. I tried to put that into words as best as I could, hopefully people will understand what I mean.
Sounds like you were looking for a reason to break up
As a woman, I think your boyfriend is right. He had legitimate concerns. He sought out a woman he felt he could trust, to discuss his concerns, get a woman's POV. You jump on "he talked about our sex life", what about his concerns of he feels like you DONT LOVE him anymore?? You seem only concerned about yourself and not the very core of why he wanted another woman's advice and opinion. Honestly, I think it's better for him, that you ended things. But yes, you overreacted. He wasn't talking to her about your sex life. He was talking about why he feels you don't love him. Asking if you two have an active bedroom gives insight, it's not like they were talking about how he may or may not have done it last night. For proper advice and insight from the female perspective, a clear picture is needed.
I would literally not even care about my girlfriend discussing our sex life in detail with her best friend even if I've never met them, and it sounds like they didn't even discuss it. I would 100% no doubt care about my girlfriend thinking I don't love her anymore, no matter the context. I really don't understand how this is the problem here for you, and immediately thinking about them cheating rather than focussing on how he perceives your feelings for him is a big red flag for me.
This seems like a "Trust your gut" situation. If it's bad vibes it's bad vibes and it sounds like you already broke up with him so, that's okay :)
Girl, just admit you want to break up with him and move on. You're making him miserable with your ridiculous bull.
I had a male friend that I've been best friends with since 2010. We met because my ex husband slept with his fiance. We slept together twice at the very beginning of our friendship but both decided we'd make better friends than anything else. Since that point in time, up until recently, he'd come to me for advice when it came to his marriage and I'd go to him when I needed advice on my last relationship. It helped to have an opinion from a males point of view and he felt the same when it came to my perspective. I know and respect his wife and always made sure she was ok with our friendship, which she was, even knowing our history. I have changed my opinion slightly in that I think it can be a slippery slope for men/women to confide in each other about very personal things dealing with other partners...I've made mistakes in the past with another friend and know how easily things can happen, so despite having no concerns about this best friend, I've chosen to confide only in my current partner rather than taking issues to friends. I'm not willing to put myself in a situation that might cause rumors or make my partner uncomfortable. Everyone's different with their opinions, but things can happen and people should be aware of that
That he told a close friend that he doesn't think you love. him and was then asked if you still have sex. seems to suggest that they don't text about your sex life or she would know. He is not responsible for her questions. I don't know what his response was but it sounds like he wants relationship advice and went to someone he could trust. I think the real question here is so you love him ? If you don't break up. If you do tell him you want him to discuss your relationship problems with you or consider a professional counsellor.
You'll tell your friends the same thing so why are you upset?!
Maybe You know the intricacies of your relationship. You are the best to judge. But I just want to say that I had a very close male friend many years ago. Never anything but platonic. We lived states apart. I probably knew more about his friends and family than they all did. I never met any of them.
My fiancé did that same exact thing with his ex. He actually started confiding in a friend that had went through intense amounts of school for marriage therapy. He started to discuss that their love wasn’t in a good place, and things that they were both trying to do, and it just was not working. Well, his ex accused him of cheating on her even though that’s clearly not cheating, and that was the final straw for my fiancé. They have a child together they take care of that child very well together, but something I’ve never worried about was him going back to his ex. We’ve been together three years now and he is the most to go to work and come home type of person I’ve ever met. I am in a good place as well with his ex, but I’ve always wanted to ask her at what point did you realize that it wasn’t about the sex and it wasn’t about him talking to other people(about your relationship) but him really trying to repair his relationship? I don’t ever let pick ups go without me being there, because she is expressed her regret at the situation, and a want to possibly start over, but my fiancé is so past that point with her especially five years past the situation. I respected when we got together he’d already been single for about two years, really giving himself time to heal and get himself together, because he expresses that he was not perfect in his last relationship, but he is always been adamant to everybody that he did not cheat or was ever thinking about cheating. He just wanted to fix his relationship using the resources around him. If your boyfriend is willing to give you another chance, I would ASAP consider sitting down with him and trying to discuss the relationship again with open ears, because give it a little bit of time, and the right person walks into his life…you might not get a second chance. Definitely the AH girlfriend. Get it together. PS don’t break up with him and then ask us if he did the right thing, ask us before you break up with him!!
It doesn't imply they have talked about your sex life. Just means they are comfortable with each other discussing issues that personal. That's normal for people that are best friends or have known each other that long. She was prob seeing why he says that he doesn't think you love him. It isn't personal and has nothing to do with you. It's purely the fact that they don't have boundaries about that, many friendships any topic is open not off limits. It sounds like they only slept together once and it's been so many years, I would assume they moved past it or else it would have happened mult times over the years. It sounds like you are uncomfortable with him being on good terms with someone he had a history with. The bigger problem is he doesn't feel like you love him anymore.
You absolutely overreacting absent any additional information. Have you ever told a friend anything about what happened with a guy? That's kinda what friends do, talk about what's on their mind. As long as they didn't sleep together when you two were together so he wasn't cheating, your husband has a friend who talks about friend things and you should be happy about that. It doesn't really matter whether they have a penis or vagina. You can be friends with someone who has either anatomy and not cheat on your spouse with them. Or you can have the same anatomy, and *still* cheat on them. My philosophy is I trust my spouse, I want them to have friends, and we have Life360 for emergencies so we can find each other (which has proven useful) which is an emergency backup. It'd be *hard* (not in the ironic sense, the practical sense) for either of us to cheat. If she's friends with a guy? Great - invite him over with pants on, we'll grill some burgers and have a great time. Friends with a girl? Great, invite her over and we'll do the exact same thing with her pants on. Dialogue: "Have you seen the guy's penis while you were with me, or have I seen the girl's vagina without pants on while I was with you? - not fine. Otherwise, be friends with your friends." Every sitcom ever is about how you sometimes sleep with the wrong people. You move on.
You're overreacting. It's his best friend, regardless if they've slept with each other before and regardless of the fact she's female. It's his best friend. Best friends generally talk about everything. It's not such an out of the blue question she's asked, he's stated that he doesn't feel you love him. Asking about sex is a standard enough response to that statement. Regardless if she's told her now husband that she slept with your bf or not, it's none of your business. She's moved on and got married since what appears to be a one time hook up. And the fact that your bf doesn't know if he knows or not is the exact opposite of a red flag, it shows that your bf and her don't talk about it. They've moved on. Have you even discussed the fact that your bf clearly feels that you don't love him?! Or are you just focusing on the stuff that actually doesn't matter?
Yeah I think you are personally, I think you need to ask more questions and have more conversations before making any final decision
Overreaction I feel like there is disconnect between the actually story and your perception of it
It’s his best friend.. Of course they talk about private things. Who else is he supposed to discuss that with? You sound controlling and that’s not a healthy dynamic. Plus, the elephant in the room is that he feels like you don’t love him. A lot of people’s next question would be “are they still sleeping with you” and that doesn’t mean he’s explicitly discussed your sex life with her before. Even if he has, he’s entitled to discuss that with his BEST FRIEND. It’s been 10 years since they slept together. I wouldn’t trip over that.
Idk the lack of communication between the both of them is horrible 🤷♀️
You will lose your partner but it won’t be because he may or may not have talked to a friend about your sex life. The man said he doesn’t feel loved by you and you talking about sex as if that’s the main concern. Figure out why he feels the way he does and why he feels that he can’t talk to you about it. Start there and work your way back if it’s such a concern. And yea, you’re overreacting.
I can’t get over the yall being together only a few months and already talking about love and cutting off long term friends to appease insecurities… like girl have y’all even been dating 3 months yet? You said 90 days ago that you were just close with this guy… A few weeks ago is like halfway into yalls current relationship. I think y’all both maybe need to take some time apart
I discovered my ex husband had been back in communications with his ex a few years into our marriage, and had told her intimate things about me. (I'll add, things he always degraded and blamed on me for being with my ex, who turned out to be an awful abusive human. But once I was out of his mind games, I realized I didn't test positive until I was with HIM) It was humiliating he shared that with a complete stranger, let alone someone he'd been intimate with, and for absolutely no reason at all. I stayed because I had no financial ability to leave. Or he had me believe I couldn't go on without him. I stayed and endured so many more years of shit that I wish I didn't have to try to erase. I wish I would have seen it clearly enough but marriage and divorce make one incident sound like you're being so dramatic. So, yeah... If I were you I would have left.
Why do you people build up sex like it's some fucking.. I don't know.. Some massive great big god damn deal. It's fucking crazy to me. They had sex 10 years ago for christ sake, who gives a shit. Every single girlfriend I've had has spoken to her friends about our sex life, sometimes I didn't care, sometimes it was kinda sucky. Personally, considering every gf I've had has done it, if it was a deal breaker for me I'd be screwed.
Yes
Looking at your post history it seems your boyfriend was diagnosed with MS a few years ago and is currently seemingly depressed. You’ve been trying the “reduce screen time and go to the gym” method of curing depression. Maybe that’s why he thinks you don’t love him anymore? Maybe focus on the real problem instead of choosing non existent issues to pick up fights? Either way, YTA OP.
Yes you are overreacting. You looked for a problem that isn't there and likely never was there. So either you purposely looked for a reason to leave him and you are just looking for confirmation bias or you are having second thoughts and if the latter is the case go talk to him and figure this out.
Yes you’re overreacting. Friends talk about their relationships with each other. It’s pretty normal actually It might be more beneficial to focus on the whole “she doesn’t love me” thing
It is implied that you guys are having sex because you are in a relationship. While happy relationships without sex do exist they are pretty rare compared to those that do have sex. A dead bedroom usually means something is up.
I don’t think it’s really that weird of a question. She is friends with your husband. Friends discuss their personal lives. Her husband not knowing they’ve slept together is Weird though.
If you think people don't discuss their sex life with other people you're a fucking idiot. sex is an infinitely interesting topic. it's selacious and stimulating even if you have no connection to it with that person. women talk, and men talk. men talking with other men, they'll eviscerate your dogshit head game and lay there dead fish weak fuck game. men talking with other women. it'll be more manipulative/couched "i'm not sure if she loves me" bullshit. women will def talk about your tiny dick, stupid sex noises. and all the gross things like your hairy back, or dogshit technique/poor foreplay you should be less concerned he's discussing your sex life(because that's just insecure dumb fuck shit to be concerned over), and more concerned he's reaching out to someone else to discuss his emotional state of mind ....or seeking that emotional support from another woman. but that's a flaw in your larger relationship. probably because he feels like he can't talk to you. because of your prudish behavior. OR your relationship is largely shit anyway. only being in a few months
Overreacting. Slept together 10 years ago is ancient history.
You don’t discuss your sex life with anyone? Not even say, all of Reddit? You are overreacting.
Wow. So… you saw a message where your husband is telling his best friend that he doesn’t feel like you love him and your takeaway from that is that he’s *checks notes* talking to his best friend about your sex life? First, talking to your friends about your sex life is normal and healthy. They slept together once ten years ago. They’re best friends, it hasn’t happened since. You gotta get over it. Finally, girl fix your fuckin relationship and leave your jealousy out of it. Try to focus on someone other than yourself.
OP is wound up over something that happened before she knew her boyfriend. OP is wound up over the fact that the friend is asking if she is still sleeping with her BF, after the BF says he is concerned that the OP doesn't love him... Rather than actually communicate, the OP dumps the boyfriend and starts posting on the net. Beyond the fact that yes, OP overreacted, OP is the asshole. Grow up and talk about things in your relationship. You are threatened by the fact he slept with his friend 10 years before you knew him.
You have the emotional maturity of a 15yo. You need to fix yourself before you get in another doomed relationship.
Sees her BF saying he thinks she doesn't love him and all she can concentrate is that they talk about their sex life 🤦
No the boat already sank just don't look back and keep moving.
I have a best friend I used to have sex with. It was over 40 years ago and we are platonic now. I do talk to her about my marriage because she is one of the people I am closest to in the world. She talks to me about hers, too. We almost never talk about sex, but asking if that part of our lives is healthy is fine. No one other than your sex therapist or reddit needs the gory details. You are over reacting. If you express your preference that your sex life is off limits for discussion and they ignore you, then you can react. Edit: bumped the send button too soon by accident, lol.
He’s talking to another chick about your relationship….and not you. NOR.
after a few months he wants you to love him? thats a red flag
By the title alone it doesn’t sound bad but when you explain it like that. Yeah, in my opinion you are the asshole here lol. Dude was just asking his friend, who is married! For some advice
He's definitely wrong to take your business outside of your relationship. That is extremely disrespectful and you aren't wrong to feel hurt. However, if you're withholding sex, you're psychologically abusing him....plain and simple....if you don't love him, then cut him loose. You need to focus on what you did, or haven't done to have caused him to look for outside support. If you'll start loving him the way he needs to be loved, you'll be amazed at how much better he treats you and how much more respect he'll show you. Or you can keep doing what all the feminist on here tell you is ok....then bitch and moan on here again when he starts sleeping with that friend or someone else, get a couple cats and join the "he-woman man-hater" club. You can't withhold sex and then bitch because a man steps out. Sex is part of a package deal in a relationship. If you remove sex, then you're in breach of the commitment you made to him.
I mean when I had a best friend who wasn't my wife I discussed my sex life with them and they me. It's kinda what happens. I mean I still do discuss it with my wife but the conversations are different. And why the red flag that he doesn't know if her hubby knows about them having sex before he met her? I mean I had sex with other women before my wife an inwere together. And she had sex with other men. Hell I have met one of her exes and we are friends ish (he dated her BFF for a bit. He is a nice guy but he didn't show any interest in her nor her him.) As others have said if you want to stay with your bf, and honestly from what he was asking her and your reactions it seems like you are just looking for an excuse, then maybe show interest in why he feels like you don't love him. Make an effort. And if you don't just break up with him.
So you just gunna ignore the real issue here? lol
A few months in, no, cut your losses and leave
As a girl who had a male friend i hooked up with YEARS ago, and we continued to be friends and he got married and has a kid and i love that for him- I don’t want him. Matter fact, i was so happy somebody married him bc he deserves to be happy and even better that its not me!!
Id get questions like that though from him And its just a girls pov type thing u can only get from insider knowledge
My $0.02, definitely seems like you're over-reacting. They slept together over 10 years ago, and if they wanted to be together - they likely would just be together. Friends talk about stuff. My friend tells me basically every time he hooks up with someone. I had another that even told me when he took care of himself, and went into other details. People are weird and yes, inter-gender makes it different a bit, but nothing out of the ordinary here. My best friend was a woman a long time ago and we talked about a lot of stuff.
Maybe if you love someone just have a open relationship I don’t know
From what you're saying it only sounds like he's going to her for advice. If you don't like him discussing your sex life with other people that's a perfectly fair expectation to have no matter what your reasons are. If I were in your shoes I'd probably suggest couples therapy before calling a relationship off, a more safe/structured place to get a neutral 3rd perspective. It sounds like that's all he's really after, but I'm just assuming. It's also fair for him to say hey, no, this is my friend and when I need support for something I'm going to go to them for support so maybe you reacted appropriately. Who knows. I know I wouldn't like it if my wife started talking to guy friends about our relationship problems, I wouldn't like it at all.
Both overreacting and insecure
just ignore the fact that he says he thinks you don't love him and go right to made up red flags LOL. you're fine with them being friends but need to police their conversation? sounds to me like the bedroom is dry, you know it, and he's complaining about it. you found out what he said, now your feelings are hurt, and you're upset. what about his feelings that lead to this? why is he frustrated and upset with you so much that he feels the need to reach out to another woman for help?
NTA. You’re not required to waste more time on this relationship. If you disagree on whether this is a dealbreaker, you’re simply incompatible (which is in itself a dealbreaker).
show him this post tbr
🚩🚩🚩
Well if your up to meeting new pple hit me up I'm down to getting to know u oh by the way I'm Gerry
He’s balling his “best friend”? And that “best friend” is a woman who’s not you? You’d better move on.
I have a close friend that I used to date in college… we still chat but not about sex. I ask about his wife because she’s amazing, but nah that’s a violation.
Honestly he needs to cut contact with her because they have previously had sex. Period. I don't think you are overreacting. I would tell him to talk to his guy friends and not be seeking another womans opinion for relationships Because first she doesn't know the person he's enough to help. Second you both dont know what her intentions of helping are. Also, if you are two months in and he is talking to ex sex partners about concerns with your relationship it had no future. I'd it off and find someone else more suited too. In a couple months you should both independently know you are or aren't compatible based on dates, discussions and interactions. Within 3 months of a long distance relationship I knew my partner was the one for me. I have alot of experience with dating the wrong person. If it isn't someone who feels like your best friend and lover. Someone you can talk about anything with, laugh and cry together it isn't gonna work well. I'm not saying you can't mush it together and make something but you definitely wont feel peace and happiness. Break it off heal and move on.
The question makes sense in context, in that he was wondering if you still loved him. And she’s married and it doesn’t sound like they were flirting. I’d only be concerned if they were flirting or doing non-friend things. It is worrying that you didn’t see him wondering whether you loved him as serious, and if I was him I’d be worrying about the future of the relationship based on that alone.
I do not think you were overreacting. A boyfriend talking to an old lover about our sex life would make me feel really weird.
Yes 💯
So ur ready to end this relationship with something that implies that they spoke about ur sex life. Did he admit to talking bout ur sec life with her. She just asked a question, which actually is a legit question after hearing about I don’t think my GF loves me. So here the thing do. Ur not concerned that he things u don’t love him, that’s the thing u need to be discussing with him not getting upset because u think he may have talked about ur sex life. Did he even answer the question because u didn’t say.
Where’s the part where you broke up with him? Also, dead bedroom is a sure sign of issues in a relationship, he asked for her advice and she spoke to him about it
I’m guessing she (OP) stopped sleeping with him and somehow thinks he is being unreasonable because he feels she (OP)doesn’t love him.
Take him up on his offer. Being the "cool" gf isn't all that.
If you are willing to break up with him for this then you really don’t love him or like him like that to begin with so that confirms his concerns. sounds like you are on the same page lol
What she asked doesn’t lend to the fact they’ve spoken about your sex life before. I speak to almost every male friend I have about their sex life and mine. People need advice and when you’re a good friend you discuss so many topics. Especially when you want the opinion of the opposite sex to give you insight. You need to find a different partner and make sure you tell them they can’t have friends of the opposite gender or discuss their sex life with anyone. You are so uptight.
Stay on track; this has nothing to do with him sleeping with her or them being friends. He has absolutely no business discussing your sex life with anyone else. Period. If he has questions, he needs to discuss them with you-- this is what being in a relationship is. You know your feelings, she doesn't. Boys talk, men know to keep their mouths shut. Find yourself a man.
Gf sounds exhausting. Guy didn't do anything wrong. There is no proof he said anything in particular to his friend. He was concerned and asked her what she thought. I'd be gone
Tell his dad about ur head game
Wait? She's his best friend for years, yet you never met her?? 🚩🚩
Yes No only if you had a bad experience which caused trust issues. In which case you should work on that and being single maybe for the best. Or if you don't feel that like is becoming love.
Nobody should be discussing their sex life with a past partner when they are in a current relationship. It could be him seeking sympathy which could lead to his friend preposition him. It's inappropriate. A therapist? Sure, not some random person he slept with once. Another bizarre takeaway is this guy questioning whether you love him and you've only been dating several months? Breaking up was the best decision in my opinion.
Get your priorities in order. You don't even sound like you should be in a relationship.
I definitely think you overreacted in breaking up with him. I can totally understand not warning your boyfriend to discuss your sex life with another woman. I get that. But it sounds like he is perfectly willing to make moves to accommodate you. You should definitely be more concerned about the fact that, he doesn’t think you really care about him and that he doesn’t feel like he can come to you and talk to you about it.
I'd be more concerned about why he thinks you don't love him. Then, I would set some boundaries about what information you're willing for him/you to share with outside parties.
If they have been intimate that is going to plague you, especially if he is sharing intimacy situations. He needs to draw some boundaries so that you are comfortable, that isn't fair. Would he be okay with you doing that with a guy friend? That is simply not okay in no relationship lines. If they are having THOSE kind of conversations they still have a thing, I'm sorry for those that disagree but facts are facts. You don't go back from bedding someone and those ties will always be there. Married or otherwise doesn't matter in this day and age and if he is bleeding that kind of bs into texts with her for sympathy, empathy and a possible pity lay then you are just a sitting duck for pain. Red flags all around. (For those saying they have been together for a short period of time and should worry more about relationship triage because he doesn't think she loves him: If they have been together that short a period then SHE should be aware of the fact that another woman is finding out information about their blooming relationship. So she can't ask questions or put her foot down because they have been together too short a period but he can manipulate the system between two women to have the best of both worlds and boohoo over her possibly not LOVING him? Reread what you write, that is ignorant af.) I would blow the top off of that situation and create a group text and call them both out. "If you guys wanna be friends cool, but what he and I do in our bedroom is our business. A) So and so STOP sharing our information with a woman you slept with. B) So and so you are MARRIED and discussing another couples sex life with a man you slept with ten years ago. C) If this continues, I am GONE. Some things DO require boundaries as much as people play it off that they are simply not needed in 2024, not all women want to tolerate that kind of behavior and not all women are decent individuals. Both parties are equally to blame here. Absolutely 100% NTA.
OP, would love to hear your side. Which bothers you more, that he didn't think you loved him, or that he breeched your privacy. If it's the former, then the simple advice I'd give is to get to know bestie. She's married with kids, and it's super unlikely that they'll ever get together, and that will either be reinforced or corrected as you get to know her and begin to understand why it's not his kid, and why that fling didn't become something more. In the meantime, talk to him about what he's seeing, and be nice. Assume he wants you to be happy. Most people don't like living with unhappy people, and he cares enough about you to ask for help, which is hard to do as a guy If it's the latter, I'm going to recommend that you leave him. You're overreacting, but honestly that's understandable, and you're not crazy. That said, you don't value this relationship. You think that you do, and that's normal, but I'm telling you, you aren't into it enough to make it work. Break it off nicely, and find someone else. I would refrain from sleeping with someone before getting to the point where the main freakout would be the thinking you don't love him, but your body is yours to use how you see fit. I hope you don't feel judged by my reply. I assumed you truly want what's best for you and for him, and I really hope that you guys end up happy, whether that's together or apart.
If you really didn't care that they were friends this whole post wouldn't be happening. It would be a "that's not really her business" response and then you would be done with it. Stop lying to yourself. Same thing I told the last guy. It is entirely possible for exes to remain friends and not harbor feelings for one another. She asked a simple question. Had it come from a guy friend would you have reacted the same way? Consider leaving him because his male friend was asking about your sex life? You are more than likely overreacting yes.
Actually, I think you’re overthinking al lot of this. In number two you stated you don’t think it’s right for somebody to talk about their current sex life with someone they’ve slept with in the past. Quite frankly, I think it’s way out of line for anybody to discuss their sex life with anyone else outside of the relationship. For me, it would be an invasion of privacy, also, maybe he has not talked about your sex life. Maybe she’s just assuming that since the two of you are in a relationship, you are having sex and that’s why she asked him.
If my best friend of either sex was like "i dont think my person is into me anymore." My first question would def be "are yall still fucking?" And then my next question would be "how frequently are yall fuckin?" Doesnt mean im fuckin either of them. Doesnt mean i want to either. Receiving and giving physical intimacy is key to ensuring a partner feels wanted and secure in a relationship. It displays on a base level attraction, interest & trust. From what you provided it does not sound like your partner was discussing yalls bedroom activities i.e how you polish the tip or how he likes it when u peg him or whether or not the handcuffs come out on Sundays. But its also valid if you are uncomfortable with them discussing yalls bedroom activities. Thats a boundry you have to set in ur relationship. How would he know you disapprove before you communicate that too him? What you find acceptable conversation vs his views are entirely black boxes unless you or he discuss it. Also why is it a redflag if HE doesnt know if HER HUSBAND doesnt know they drunkenly smashed once upon a night a decade ago. Was he supposed to alert him to the fact at some point like "uhh Phil, Betty and i made the beast with two backs on 10-12-2014 after a night at Flamin Capes." Do you give a detailed account of all your past sexual encounters to everyone youve been in a relationship with? Id infer you dont since you dont think its right to talk about your sex life with people youre not having sex with. Imo youre overreacting.
Naw, a few months in and he's already expecting you to feel 'loves' and texting an ex about your supposed relationship problems and sex life... moving on is a good idea
It's weird because a lot of girls will defend their right to tell their friends every explicit detail TO THE DEATH but as a dude, share one or two things and that very self same woman who has told her girlfriends your length and girth and done an impersonation of your O face, will absolutely lose it on you.
lovingly, you’re overreacting. it sounds like there’s a trigger there. it’s okay to set a boundary that you don’t want them talking about your sex life but if you haven’t done that before, they are best friends so that feels natural for them to discuss it to be real. and they did hook up over 10 years ago, i’m sure neither of them think about it anymore. my current partner has a best friend of over 10 years and they’ve slept together a couple times in the past. it’s not my favorite thing to think about but i see how important his friendship is to him and how much more platonic love there is there than anything else. it was way before I ever knew him. i’ve also tried forging a better friendship with him because i want my partner to feel like his people care about each other. I think maybe there are some other things to consider here like insecurity in the relationship, sex, etc. turn inward and be curious about whats really bugging you.
"I’ve been dating someone for a few months and recently discovered that he slept with his best friend (female). It was over 10 years ago when she was in the middle of a divorce and I could somewhat overlook this, except I found out that he had texted her a few weeks ago saying he thinks I don’t love him. She replied asking if I was still sleeping with him." COULD SOMEWHAT OVERLOOK THIS? Yeah, the sex life he had 10 years ago, way before he met you, is really not something you should overlook or undertook or... why are you looking? HE HAD TEXTED HER A FEW WEEKS AGO ≠ I'M FINE WITH THEM BEING FRIENDS Hmmm... so he asked his friend about troubles he is having in his relationship, and you're wigging out because she asked if you're still having sex? That IS one of the signs of whether the relationship is healthy or not. Seems like a natural thing for her to ask. Speaking of which... SAYING HE THINKS I DON'T LOVE HIM You got all hot and bothered over her asking about your sex life, and didn't spend 1 second of your time focusing on the BIG PROBLEM HERE... that your boyfriend is feeling insecure about your relationship. And rather than addressing that and either reassuring him about your feelings or talking to him about the issues you have with the relationship, you dove down THIS rabbit hole! I REALLY HOPE YOU DID BREAK UP WITH HIM. DUDE DODGED A BULLET IF YOU DID. Please think about this mistake a bit before you try to start another adult relationship. Shalom Updateme
Not overreacting at all! Know your worth.
Yes you are over reacting. Asking if you guys are still sleeping together is not exactly discussing your sex life. It’s a valid question to determine if you are still into him. Obviously, you don’t love him or you wouldn’t break up over this. Guess he was right to worry.
I think he was simply asking for advice/perspective in his concern about the relationship. Also I’m not liking his offering to cut contact with his best friend so quickly. You can be best friends with someone you’ve had history with, with absolutely no risk to current and future relationships once people are respectful and mature. These can be the closest of friendships, and they didn’t become a couple 10 yrs ago or since for a reason. I’d be gutted if my best friend offered to cut contact with me over someone he was dating a few months if there was no good reason (I.e. we’re just friends now) and he’d come to me for advice. I wouldn’t want my BF offering to treat his bestie like that either. Also, if they are anything like mine, these close friendships have likely seen the BF through some pretty tough times over the yrs. Different sexes can have epic and solid friendships…and have healthy relationships.
Dump him immediately and move on. If this early on he is already showing you disrespect of the most fundamental kind, your future is doomed if you hook up with him. Start finding a new place to live immediately!
Honestly, it is a somewhat common (perhaps not modest) thing to ask a person who feels they may not be loved. Lack of affection obviously can be a sign. I can also see how he may have just answered without truly thinking. It is a question that’s asked often. I would have let it slide while firmly stating that even telling a person if you sleep together is a hard no. I would only break up if this was already established.
Another one that wants the old plaything on the side.
Honestly, friends talk about stuff like that, and it was 10 years ago. I think you should be more worried about the fact he thinks you don’t love him
The fact that he was talking to her about it and not you yells me you weren’t overreacting, OP. Either he still has feelings for her, or he doesn’t feel comfortable talking with you, and either one is bad.
I don’t think you should discuss his partner with another woman. Especially one he has slept with.
My only thing is this... if he can bang his best friend when she's still with her husband .. what makes you think he won't bang his best friend even if he's with you? Or maybe he already has.
She wasn’t “still with her husband”. She was “going through a divorce” and is currently married, ten years later, presumably to someone else
Where did it say he banged the friend while she was with her husband? She was going through a divorce when he slept with her.
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You're getting caught up in the legality of it. If you're getting divorced, the relationship is already dead and over. You're just waiting for the government to catch up.
They were in the middle of a divorce lol. Legally they are still together. But emotionally they are not
There is a difference between asking a friend if the couple is still finding time to be intimate and asking a friend about how often and how much pleasure you find with your partner in the depths of that intimacy. All of my friends would ask me if me and the wife are still being intimate or still having sex, none of my friends want to know the details, they’ve already been told enough without ever asking. My ex wife was very detailed about our sex life at many get togethers with many of my friends.
Yes. Everyone needs someone to vent to. You don't have to worry about him cheating on you with her, they've been friends for over a decade and he had to get drunk to do it the first time. You want a man that has a "girl friend" that he can vent to. She can give him advice from your perspective and get advice on how you may feel about things. If he's venting to one of the boys, they are just validating him or boosting his testosterone. Who cares if he talks about your sex life with her? You are the one he wants to be with. He isn't texting her saying "oh yea, we do this in bed but I wish it was you instead". He may have been looking for pointers or telling her about something that you do that he really enjoys. Everyone needs an outlet where they can go and vent about things without fear of reprisals. Your man has a friend that he feels comfortable talking to about you. She has a life of her own and isn't trying to take him from you. He's even willing to cut her off when she hasn't done anything wrong and could be losing a ten year friendship because you are a bit insecure. I'm not poking fingers or anything like that, nor am I being accusatory. Usually it happens because you've been hurt or ridiculed in some way. You don't have to be ashamed of your man talking about your sex life, embrace it. Let it empower you. He enjoys being with you and wanted to tell his girl friend about it. Sometimes, for guys too, they like the mushy parts of sex but they don't talk to other guys about it. Some of them really enjoy the kissing, and cuddling or going slow and taking their time to do certain things for you. When they are with other guys talking about it, it's a lot of "boys will be boys"- "I wrecked her uterus" bullshit. But when he's talking about it with her, he can be honest and actually express his favorite things about being with you. If you didn't find anything along the lines of them trying to be together or go behind your back and have sex, then I definitely think you're overreacting. Think about why these things upset you so much and maybe have a conversation with the girl instead. You both "love" the same man in different ways and there's no GOOD, logical reason why that man can't have love in his life from the both of you.
You are the one with the problem holy fuck
You know the deal with these “female best friend” stories. Not an overreaction.
Waaaay too many assumptions were made. First, you permitted the friendship and didn’t create a boundary early on. Second, you can’t all of a sudden change the rules of their friendship. We are adults and it’s okay to ask that question without delving into details. From your post, it doesn’t appear that that line was crossed. Third, you validated his theory of you not loving him by dumping him so fast on weak assumptions.
So, as a random internet stranger, do you bang your boy? You're very glossing over the fact that he thinks you don't love him and she rightfully asked a good follow up question, it's one most of us would regardless of genders. Care to elaborate on that for us? Also, in no way does that question imply that they have spoken about y'alls sex life before. Perhaps they have, but that one question is not an indicator of that, so other than a seemingly overreaction, do you have any other instances of this? Seems like you want out of this relationship and are too scared to end it for some reason and are looking to make him break up with you so you have someone to blame.
She’s not just “someone he slept with”, she’s his best friend of decades. He’s not “discussing your sex life”. Her asking if y’all were still intimate is not an indicator that they discussed your sex life previously. Asking if there’s a dead bedroom is pretty common when discussing relationship issues. So what if she’s married with a kid, they aren’t doing anything inappropriate. You sound more like you have an issue with the fact that he’s still friends with someone he slept with a decade ago than the topic of conversation. You seem to have an issue with their actual friendship. I suggest maturing, they have been friends for many years and it was a long time in the past. You’ve only been dating a few months and he already thinks you “don’t love him anymore”. I’d be surprised that you two already think you’re “in love” so quickly in the first place, but if he’s already concerned that you’ve “fallen out of love with him” before you’ve even hit the 6 month mark that should be more of your concern than his friend. I think you should go ahead and break up now because it’s not fair to expect him to give up his long term best friend because you can’t handle that they slept together ten years ago.
He was willing to go NC with his best friend of many years because his girlfriend of a few months wanted to break up over her insecurity issues. Like dude, grow a spine.
Yeah your overreacting to me. 1. It is not a red flag that he doesn't know if her husband knows about them having slept together 10 years ago. Heck I would consider it more of a red flag if he DID know since it doesn't sound like them having sex is really something important to either of them and him knowing that would imply that it was more important than they were letting on. 2. If you are okay with them being friends (personally I would be but not everyone would be) he should be able to be friends with them, and certainly going to your friends to discuss their feelings about their partner potentially not loving them is a pretty healthy thing to do. 3. Your reaction was honestly appalling here, so he feels unloved and uncared for and your response is to make it about his friend and break up with him. I mean honestly based on this post I think it might be better off for your Ex if you do go through with the breakup because he was already feeling insecure and unappreciated with the relationship, did a very normal thing to get an outside perspective on the relationship and your response was to make HIM prove that he cares about you and break up with him So go ahead and leave him, honestly I think you will both be happier for it.
How do you know he discussed your sex life? He told her that he thought you didnt love him and she asked if you two were still sleeping together. It could have been she assumed that since you two have been dating that you were sleeping together (I would have made this leap as well) and was curious before offering her answer to his question.
Guessing you don’t love him but would feel more justified breaking up if you convince yourself it’s his fault for crossing an unspoken line in the sand??? Your love or lack there of has nothing to do with sex last decade.
This is why I don’t agree with best friends of the opposite sex for my man. Hard pass!
eh i wouldn’t date someone that is still close friends with someone they once slept with, while they discuss our relationship issues. come talk to me or your guy friends - not someone you had sex with.
Are they discussing intimate details of your sex life or broadly discussing a dead bedroom which is two different things. If anything it looks more like he’s seeking relationship advice for waning intimacy and wants outside advice as he needs a female perspective as men and women can have very different wants and needs and probably wants to be reassured that it’s simply not just that you don’t desire him specifically. Also if he’s been speaking to a few friends about the relationship it seems like he’s must really be trying to work through something, maybe a breakup is best at this point if he isn’t feeling the love and you’re willing to drop him already.
No. This is a huge violation of trust. How can you be in a relationship with someone you don’t trust?
He's worried about you not loving him, yet you focus on anything but that. You are overreacting, mostly by focusing on the wrong things...
Not over reacting.
Ok the bottom is how can you be in love with someone you have been with only a few months? Love takes time to develop and bloom. I guess I don’t believe in love at first sight. Lust yes, love? No.
It's been nearly a year, it's not that short.
Based on the headline I assumed this was high school or college drama. It wasn't even a detail of your sex life. Just if sex is happening. That doesn't seem like a crazy thing to talk about. Her husband not knowing isn't really a red flag. Not everyone sits down and writes out a list of everyone they've ever slept with one they start a relationship. It might not be a secret, just something that has never been brought up before. And now it's too late to just blurt it out.
This situation is one of the most common ways people get cheated on. I would've done the same if I had a gf and she did this. You're not wrong IMO
I think he is blowing her back out.
The issue is having a best friend who is of the opposite sex. It will generate issues for lots of people like OP. OP says that she doesn’t mind her boyfriend having a friend with whom he has had sex. Of course she says that. It is the culturally accepted norm, so she repeats what her social group agrees about. A lot of you will get pissed that I have written this, but cheating often starts with just being friends. Say what you like, but that is how people behave. Sex drive comes second after making sure that you have a full belly.
"It was a one-time drunken thing" right...... sure it was.
Seems like a stretch to paint that as discussing your sex life.
So.... Do you love him still?
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He’s a disloyal shitstain. Stop defending people like this.
He shouldn’t be talking about anything sexual with another woman.. ESPECIALLY yours and his sex life! Red flag for sure! I’d be livid!