Right, this is on her. Like what do you even see in this bum? Get some standards. Yes, a man pushing 40 should have a job. He’s never shown you he’s better than this so what do you expect??
Because they are both losers unfortunately.
OP doesn't have a sense of self worth and the bf is just a drug fueled lazy teenager living in an adult body.
this man is 36 years old living in his dad’s house with no job and no aspirations in life?? i personally would not put up with that; i have too much self respect to let someone like that drag me down. 🚩🚩🚩
I 100% agree with you. Could not date a man like this. But, in my opinion, why date him in the first place if he's always been like that? Dating someone and trying to change them (even if its for better in conventional terms) is also a red flag. He seems to be content with this way of living and thats ok, just incompatible with what OP wants in a partner. So yes, NTA to have that as a dealbreaker, but why wait 2 years to realise that?
But the thing that rub me the wrong way is that OP works very hard, pays for all her stuff and bf despite not working still "funds her passions" - but "that cant last forever" - is OP more concerned that bf doesnt have aspirations in life or that he cannot fund her passions and provide for her indefinitely?
My husband is a very hard working man, and im a hard working woman. We pool our earnings to create the life we both want, and i wouldnt have it any other way. But in the 10y we've been together i have not funded his passions and he hasnt funded mine (except gift giving).
As a dude I completely agree. I do think sometimes there's this stigma on men where if we don't work it's so much worse than if a lady doesn't work or something. But in reality who doesn't want stability? Who doesn't want someone to grow with and share in life together?If someone doesn't have aspirations and in turn have some kind of income? That's not someone you're sharing life with. That's someone you're carrying. I'm actually 36 years old and wouldn't have blamed my partner for a second for not wanting to be with me if I didn't have things going for me in my life. I also expected her to have some things going for her too. But yeah anyway. Red flags. Dude needs to get his shit together. A part-time job is minimum.
I feel like it should be the same red flag for a man of the woman isn’t working, living off parents, clearly no motivation or life plan. Do you want a partner or do you want a mooch?
You guys don’t have the same goals in life. I know someone who had the exact same situation but with genders reversed. They married and divorced. Her unwillingness to get a job was a big part of it. Finances are one of the biggest reasons why couples argue.
This is it, too many people are just attacking him for not having any life goals but tbh a lot of people are like that? He has a comfy set up where he doesn’t have to work and he doesn’t have any hobbies, alright cool that works for him. But that doesn’t mean OP just has to put up with it.
She wants a partner who has ambition. Someone with hobbies, someone to have passionate conversations with. Someone who will actually talk to her. Someone who will get off their ass and take a walk with her. She wants someone who will financially, and I assume physically, contribute to the household if they live together. And this guy ain’t that. Different goals in life.
Ughhh so true. I was in a relationship where this guy beat my ass and I found this dude next so I was like well at least he doesn’t hit me!? Fucked but true
Girl, wtf are you doing? I would expect this shizz from a 17 year old but at your age you should know better. Dump this loser, you deserve soooo much more, don't ever date a guy like this again. They don't change and it won't get better. You're a boss babe, you don't need this tool.
I can’t imagine why you would want to be with a partner who isn’t a partner. The financial responsibility of your relationship relies on you and always well as long as you’re with him.
That’s not a partnership and it’s not supportive and how you’re feeling now is only going to get more intense because it’s not fun to be with a partner that has no motivation, no life experiences and isn’t enjoying life .
You deserve someone who works as hard as you do for your combined goals. You won’t get this guy to change and you’ll be busting butt while he sits home. I think counseling can help you with your self esteem if you stay with this guy.
> He makes money in other ways
What are his 'other ways' to make money and is it enough to support himself? That's really not clear here.
ETA: YTA, you're dating a drug dealer, what the hell do you expect?
Did you see the article entitled "Why Most Drug Dealers Live with Their Mothers"? Title might not be exact. It seems the trade is like a pyramid scheme where those at the top make a lot and the retail level dealers don't make enough to get out of their parents' houses. Sounds like her BF is one of those guys.
The ones at the bottom are the doobees. The top are the doobers. Get some slacker ass closer to handle the small sales and also all the heat while you rake in the profit. It's super easy to move up if you aren't using your own supply too. I left that shit behind in my 20s and never looked back. Within the first few months I quit doing small time things and just became basically a distribution logistics coordinator in that industry, lol. It was simple and easy, and I had the money to live how I wanted. I don't regret it as my current position is basically the same thing but in the manufacturing industry, and the differences between the two are so small it was an easy career to climb in.
I hope someone catches the frank is stuck in a coil reference here.
No. Most dudes are selling enough to pay for their personal use and maybe make a little extra. I am aware of this. However unless someone is a crackhead banging their dealer for free cracks; I can’t for the life of me see why a non addict, let alone an actual citizen would date a person like that.
Which it seems like she knew since they started dating.
Why she expects him to change now, I do not know. Clearly it works for him and she's not going anywhere.
Well the hints went right over my head, even after re-reading. I'm not in tune with the drug culture. Since that's the case it's on her for dating him.
I guess I should have said she's overreacting, instead of the 'YTA'. Anyway dealing drug IS his job if she wants to think of it that way. I'm sure it has its own challenges as a profession.
See, but my feeling is, if you're going to be a drug dealer (of any kind) you at least need to make enough to save for bail money and to pay for an attorney. If you can't, then get out the business.
Interesting perspective. I wonder if the strategy of the worker bees in the field is just to rat out their hierarchy if they get pinched. Also, I've heard that if you can't afford a really good criminal defense lawyer you're better off with a public defender rather than a mediocre one that you pay for.
You don’t understand how shit works, you’re acting like it’s the wire and he’s some runner in the hood, he probably sells weed to mostly people he’s known awhile, there’s no hierarchy of people for someone like him, and he’s not selling anywhere near enough to be even slightly noticed or cared about by police, if he was. He wouldn’t live at home with daddy
“AIO if I want to break up with my bf/drug dealer because it’s not fair he makes money doing half the work I do and puts no effort into the relationship or shows any interest in me or bettering himself” fixed the title for you…
She has plenty of valid reasons to break up with the guy but basically sounds like she's just jealous that he doesn't have to work as often as her.... He's a loser. She sounds miserable.
It's not in her comments it's in the main text body. But thats all a one paragraph rant so I can see how you missed it. I also had to look up what "plug" meant as I hadn't heard that slang for dealer. But she's very up front with the info
To answer your question no not overreacting just break up with him he’s a loser and puts no effort into your relationship. You sound like your mind was made up prior to completing this post
Lmao they’re both losers and literally made for eachother. Im sure she’ll be willing to bring his son to visitation once a month and they’ll can do the lil open hand touch thing thru the glass with the old plastic phone to their ears lol.
Lmao they’re both losers and literally made for eachother. Im sure she’ll be willing to bring his son to visitation once a month and they’ll can do the lil open hand touch thing thru the glass with the old plastic phone to their ears lol.
He funds her music festivals and concerts lol. That's not a cheap thing to do. How much does he need to provide for her? It sounds like he doesn't need to work, so he doesn't. Some people are set up and don't have to work, so they don't. Sounds like OP is just jealous that she has to suffer the 9-5 life, and he doesn't.
Op says something along the lines of “he can’t be a plug forever,” so it’s fair to assume that his sole stream of income comes from dealing drugs, and I can understand expecting a partner to drop that eventually and pursue a different means of getting an income. Or a concern for what happens when something (inevitably) goes wrong there.
A smart drug dealer knows that eventually they are going to have to at LEAST start a “shell company” or a business or some way to make themselves legit. The goal is to roll the money into a business that starts making its own legit money and get out of the game. It’s true you can’t be a “plug” your whole life. It’s too risky and as an adult you will need things like proof of income if you ever want to purchase a home or a car etc etc..OP you are not overreacting, this man should have his mind on some sort of passion or business idea to start working on especially at 36. 36 is too old to have no other plans for life
even if nothing goes wrong per se, weed is rapidly getting legalized. why would I still use my dealer if I can buy better product from my local dispensary, know it's high quality and exactly what's in it, AND have them actually be reliable? I don't know anyone who uses a dealer anymore, it's not a long-term career nowadays.
OP get some therapy tbh if you think this is a good relationship
See if his money was coming from investments, generational wealth, or something you could actually put on the books then I would maybe agree with this, but it’s not about him making money, it’s about how he’s making the money. Like others and OP have said you can’t just be a drug dealer forever.
So you're saying your bf is a small time drug dealer...got it. Regardless that only ends in one of two ways and neither are good for you. You're not wrong. Leave now before he ruins your life.
You both seem like assholes.
He's a drug dealer and a loser and doesnt seem like he ever plans to do anything with his life other than sit around his dad's house.
You dont even care that hes a drug dealer or a loser youre just upset you have to work and he doesnt but your oh so strong stance on how he lives goes out the window when he pays for your hobbies.
If I was you id dump him, if I was him id dump you.
Once daddy is gone then what? That would be the question I would ask myself. I don't knock someone for living with parents if they are trying to get ahead. If his side hustles bring in a decent amount of money then it is what it is. I would keep an eye on how he maintains any responsibility.
I think there’s a little bit of jealousy tinged in there. I think it bothers you that you have to work so much especially after a medical incident and he is able to do what he wants with the support from his dad.
maybe focusing on a different approach might help. do you want a future with him? maybe discussions need to look like “so how will we afford a house when we want to get one? what kind of wedding will we have? how will we pay for it? do we want kids? how will we pay for it?”
it sounds like there two different work ethics here and that is getting to you. you are a hard worker!! you’re busting your ass—totally understandable to be frustrated that he isn’t!
I think being open about these feelings with him may help him see your perspective. if he never wants to get a job and that is a hard boundary for u, then maybe it’s time to rethink the relationship. imo, he should want to do everything he can to build a better life for the both of you if that’s what he invisions in ur future. if not, his priorities don’t align with yours and maybe it’s time to find someone who does!
It sounds to me like she’s made many attempts to talk to him about how she feels and he keeps brushing her off. I have no sympathy for this guy, because he’s not even trying.
To OP: you’ve put up with this long enough. It’s not going to get better. I know everyone in posts like these will tell you to dump him. Including me. Get rid of his lazy ass and don’t look back!
Agreed, but I think this is a blame post for things that are bothering OP about herself. Relationship sounds useless, but sounds like she's not happy that she's not going anywhere. Getting a job has nothing to do with passion.
Yeah, after re-reading it, it sounds like she’s very jealous of his lifestyle. I mean, I am too lol, but I wouldn’t be with someone who I resent. Agree on the passion part, too. I think what really throws me off is that he lives at home. She says he isn’t paying for anything (may or may not be true). If his dad actually is covering his bills, that’s what made me think he’s kind of lazy and immature.
Could be that both of them are, um, not long-term relationship material. So maybe they deserve each other? I don't see him 'paying for her life' tho'... concert tickets aren't necessary the way rent and insurance are.
So he drives you wherever you want to go, pays for your concerts and festivals, is friendly and has a social life, and has a car, place to live, and no drama? Yeah you should really kick his ass to the curb, you need a sugar daddy stat lol.
Look, the guy might not have much ambition but he's happy, and if that's not what you're looking for then go be with someone else, don't tear the man down. He's stable and having a relaxing life, you are genuinely jealous of his life and you're mad that he can't give you the exact same thing. You know how I know, because I have a very similar situation. I don't tell people I retired early anymore, if someone wants to get to know me for me then they will.
You are being mean to a kind person for no reason. My guess is you want something from him and until you fully communicate that you're just kind of being bitchy, sorry.
Are you overreacting to your bfs situation? Yes. He has free will to live how he wants and is not a financial drain on you.
Are you overreacting for not wanting to be with him like this? No. You, too, have free will, and this relationship sounds like it's incompatible for what you want out of life and a partner. He will do what he wants, and you can't change that. All you can do is either decide to live with it or move on.
Surprisingly, you are the dipshit here for walking into a brick wall and crying that it's hard. Like holy shit could you see that coming from miles away and you still fell for it.
It hasn't been a deal breaker for 2 damn years, so why is it now?
He's 36 and his daddy still pays his bills. What's he going to do when daddy's gone? Well, that's where you come in. I guess you need to decide if going to concerts is worth the tradeoff of carrying his dead weight forever. I'm guessing you don't have a great job if you couldn't take any time off after having a seizure. Can it sustain your life if you have to pay for his beer too?
Honestly I would say you’re overreacting because logically what is the upside for him changing his lifestyle? He’s basically the Dude from the Big Lebowski. You don’t change guys like that, they love their lives. It makes more sense for you to recognize that he’s just a phase of your life and that there was always going to be an expiration date for your relationship.
I was gonna say im the same cause im 26 and live w my parents, but i have a job.. and im saving to get an apartment so i guess not really.
Oh hes 36 not 26
You can ask him to get a job until you're blue in the face, he won't get one. He is fine with his life but you deserve better. I don't think I'd ever want to date a shiftless man. Even if he was a trust fund baby. I have to respect someone I date and I don't have much respect for a man who doesn't work.
As soon as you said ‘other ways’ I knew he was a dealer.
Girl your standards are in the toilet. This is on you for dating this man. He’s going nowhere.
My aunt once told me never to get in a relationship with someone expecting them to change. It sounds like you are doing just that & it’s not going to work. Why are you wasting your time?
lol dad enables him. He actually wanted to be living a tent but his dad forced him to stay in the house cause he was worried about him on the street….parent worries? I have no kids but I’m guessing that’s why
If he has money who cares what he does. There's always going to be someone out there that is better off than you.
A lot of rich people never worked a day in their life and have just been living life on their terms this whole time while you have to bust your butt 24/7 and pay bills and hope to have enough money left to eat on the rest of the month. That's life. Some people just have it better than others.
If you can't handle his lifestyle then end it. Simple as that.
I know this dude isn't rich and is living with Daddy but that's his choice. His right. If both parties are OK with it of course.
If you're not ok with it then you should've ended it by now.
NAH. It doesn't dound like he's sponging off you to fund his lifestyle, and your not one for not being happy with dating what i'm guessin is a drug dealer with little to no carreer prospects/goals. I cant see this relationship lasting though.
You want an equal partner, and that will never be him. He has no ambition. And you can not change that.
He is not the right one for you. You’re too incompatible and have very different goals. You have goals. He doesn’t.
I don't think she wants an equal partner, she wants someone to take care of her, but either way I agree that is never going to be what this relationship is.
I dated a man child with wealthy parents for almost a year, and while I genuinely loved many things about him, his lack of ambition and complete reliance on his parents always kinda made me resent him/not respect him. I grew up in a working class family and am working class myself and have received help from my parents only once or twice in emergencies since I moved out of their house at age 19. Watching my ex float through life occasionally working part time with his greatest concern being “I hate this job, I guess I’ll quit and ask for money from my dad again!” while I had no choice but to bust my ass every day to pay bills was frustrating, and I ultimately decided I couldn’t build a life with someone I didn’t respect. You and your boyfriend are not a good match (and he sounds like kind of a loser, in my personal opinion), and you’re not overreacting.
He isn't going to change. Quit waiting for him to change. What you see is what you get. Decide if that is good enough for you and move on if it isn't.
This man is never going to increase your financial health/stability or contribute as an equal partner.
It sounds like you want to dump him. So why don't you just do that? You know the advice reddit will give. His lifestyle doesn't seem to be what you want, so why don't you find someone with a compatible lifestyle?
I've known people to professionally grow pot all their lives, and retire to live in Hawaii. It can be very lucrative.
I've know people to sell drugs and use it to buy a dump truck and transition to being a legit dump truck driver.
I also know an architect who was friends with a bunch of druggies and his lifelong hobby is going to shows and music festivals. That's what he wants to do. He doesn't want kids. He finally settled down and bought a condo with a long time girlfriend at age 50. That's as settled as it's ever going to get. He still goes to shows, hangs out, etc is has the lifestyle of a 25 year old "deadbeat" except that he works (not as an architect anymore, but something else that pays the bills).
Being a drug dealer doesn't mean one has a dead end life or no goals.
Having a profession doesn't mean you are goal oriented.
It’s difficult for a person to make changes even when they really want to, so what do you think the chances of success would be for a person who isn’t interested in changing to become the person someone else wants them to be? I’m going to harsh here, but you are causing yourself a lot of frustration and grief by staying with someone but wanting them to not just get a job, but become an entirely different person. Which you are allowed to do, but he’s also allowed to be his lazy self. These are the choices that are entirely in your hands here: 1. Accept him for who he is 2. Leave him and find someone more aligned with your lifestyle, values, and needs 3. Keep trying to mold him into what you want and experience the consequences of failing
So you started dating a man in his 30s with no job who lives with his dad and you’re shocked none of that has magically changed just because you entered his life? Bro is doing exactly what he wants and, for now, the only consequence is that you nag him. He’s not going to change. If you want a boyfriend that is different, you’ll need to find a different boyfriend.
If he was wealthy enough to not work and live on his own I might feel differently, but this is just lazy bullshit manbaby stuff. 36 and living at home with no job or any ambition to work. I would put that dude in my rearview mirror so fast.
I mean would you want him to be the father of any children do you might have?
Why are you with a 36 year old Hobosexual exactly? What does this scrub bring to the table, besides audacity? Kick this clown to the curb, Sis. You deserve better
He is living a life he can afford to live.
Probably not enough for you to post on Instagram as a catch though, so you want more.
Unless you want him to finance you, how hard you work is irrelevant if you are not subsidising him. You are only paying for yourself and will probably only do the same in the future. Him having a job makes no difference.
People might be hating on him in here, but you have not actually said that he treats you badly or cannot afford to treat you or live his lifestyle.
You know who he is and from that we know he hasn't lied about it. It's your choice whether you can accept him for who he is or if you want someone else who does more.
Valid are mismatched. Doesn’t seem like a relationship worth staying. Especially if you’ll always be frustrated by this. You’re not overreacting. You’re just expecting too much of someone who’s incapable or not willing. Either way…dump him. And give yourself one less thing to stress over.
In my experience, you will always be asking. He might appease you for even a month or two, but then there will be some reason it didn't work out. I was with someone for 9 years who had a job for maybe a total of a year out of that (2 or 3 weeks here, a couple months there, etc.).
You need someone who matches your level of ambition and motivation. Or at least meets a bare minimum requirement (which should be being able to survive mostly* on their own)
*This economy is rough. Needing a roommate or paying rent at your parents house is fine sometimes. As long as that's not the end goal.
He will bring you down. You'll end up supporting his lazy ass. Run while you can! Picture a friend of yours with your circumstances. You would tell them that person is toxic.
Stop trying to change him and just get a better boyfriend. He is who he is and probably won’t change, and you obviously want someone with more ambition and a life.
Stop asking him. Just leave. He has shown his intention and he is happy living that way. You are the only one that is not happy.
36 is way too old to be living that way. He would rather loaf about than be productive for his own development and self sufficiency and self respect, and maybe you don't see it right now, but even you are losing respect for him. I can see it in your words. Needless to say, don't marry this man and don't waste another minute with someone who is content to depend on you and his dad. Find a man for whom a situation where you're busting your butt while they are relaxing is unacceptable and who will go out and slay the world to add to what you bring to the table.
You’re not living together so you busting your ass off is for your home and life not his. So honestly I don’t see an issue. If he’s over all the time or moved in it would be an issue of not contributing to household stuff but it’s not his place so why would he contribute? I don’t really see your point here other than he’s not the person you want. And that’s totally ok! Just break up with him and find someone more aligned with your goals/wants
The real question is: what’s wrong with you? Really, do you consider yourself an adult? Do you think this is an adult relationship? Do you think a sensible adult would settle for such an unsatisfactory “partner”?
Really, it’s long past time for you to grow up. Get rid of this human slug and start looking for someone like yourself.
Unless you're going to be happy working your ass off to support this guy *for the rest of your life,* you have no future with him and you're wasting your time.
Why are you with this loser? Don't waste any more of your life on him, and do not say *but I LOVE HIM*... rubbish. You love pretending you are in a relationship. This is not a relationship - not a healthy one, anyway.
If one of your friends told you all of what you wrote out in that horrendously-unbroken paragraph, you would tell them to leave. So leave.
I write this from the perspective of someone who wasted their entire 20s with a loser who I had to push to do everything (and he was 10 years older than me). Get out now.
If he’s earning money and isn’t sponging of you - what is your concern exactly?
Feeling like you’re extremely emotionally invested in his job behaviour to your detriment.
Maybe you need some time out to think about what you want ?
So what? He’s selling drugs? Dude is wayyyy too old to being doing what he’s doing. Try and do better and have more respect for yourself. Unless he has a trust fund and can live any way he wants and is studying to that end, I don’t see this being ok behavior
Nope, nope, nope. Loser. There is no future in this. Someone who works as hard as you do should be with someone likewise motivated. You will always be supporting him. NTA
He’s a child, and one who does not appear to be growing up anytime soon. I would dump his ass, and find a man who treats me well and contributes to society.
You're an asshole. You say he has money and that's not the issue you just want him to get a shitty job like you so you can feel better?
What's the issue here really?
Hate to say it… what took you so long? At the first date if they are a 30+ and still leave at home that would be the last date!
Run, run far and find a man not a child.
Never get in a relationship with a man that doesn’t have a job or a proper means to support himself. He’s 36 and still relying on daddy. How do you think the future is going to play out for you? You need to be either single or able to find a relationship with an adult that can take care of themselves and be a partner to you in a relationship. This man will never do anything he doesn’t have to.
Not overreacting. I’m sorry to say this but your bf is also a deadbeat. That’s why he likes those friends. There are better partners out there for you. Time to move on.
You can not change him. He has to decide for himself if he's going to change. He is saying loud and clear his current lifestyle is more important to him than you are. You have a decision to make, continue to put up with him, or move on and find someone with the same work ethic as yourself. Having been there myself, I say move on before two kids and 11 years of marriage.
YOU DESERVE BETTER!
Not overreacting, but what do you get from this relationship? Don't you think you deserve a partner who can hold down a job, have his own place, pay bills ... in other words, a functioning adult? I think you do, so be your own best friend and tell this guy "nice knowing you, " and move on !
When you first met, why weren’t you turned off by a grown man who *didn’t have a job and no plans to get one???*
Ewww. Just ewww. He’s a loser; why would you partner with him?
YTA for a couple reasons, but primarily trying to force someone to get a job when dating. You aren’t living together, aren’t sharing finances, and you make no mention of him not paying for dates or anything.
You can choose not to date him any more, or progress the relationship and be totally within your rights. But he’s told you no, you need to respect his choice and decide from there what you need to do
He’s 36 years old? Why are you with him? You don’t need to raise a child, men should come to you fully formed. You’re in your 30s and being an adult; you deserve a partner who is an adult.
He could work at Home Depot with plants. If he's into weed he can move to a state that it's legal and work at a weed shop.
You on the other hand deserve a guy that has ambition and hobbies. You picked the least likely person for your compatibility.
Move on he will always be exactly what he is. You deserve better.
Look girl, you seem like a responsible person but your choice in this guy is simply awful. Like a famous saying goes “ garbage in, garbage out “. This guy is clearly a 2/10. Clearly. Just leave your too good
I do recommend finding a bull at a swingers club. They generally are leader alpha type
Girl, I mean this with the Deepest Respect for you: Dump your BF and TAKE CARE OF YOU. As someone who is an Epileptic Myself, you need Time to heal, Period. YOU SHOULD NOT BE DRIVING. You need REST. Especially the Day after.
If you've had enough, then move on. He doesn't have the same life goals or values as you, so this can't last long term. You say he hangs out with deadbeats, so yay to him, he found his people. And if that works for him (sounds like it does) then yay for him. You can't and shouldn't change him. That is who he is. Leave him be.
He's not motivated & never will be, most likely. He's content with being a moocher and is probably dealing with some mental health issues that have been going on. Your relationship is a hobby for him. He is not long-term potential; he's not in high school and needs work and accountability.
I think we need more INFO:
He has been unemployed for years but he “makes money other ways”? What other ways?
He has money to fund your festivals and concerts? How? Where did all this money come from?
Not having a “job” could be acceptable if he genuinely earns enough passive income to replace a reasonable full time income.
It doesn’t sound like thats the case but if it is, theres no real reason to get a job other than OP is jealous about how he spends his days. Unfair byt true.
Regardless though, he spends his days sleeping and drinking, and hangs out with deadbeats and lives with his dad and no financial responsibilities.
Requiring him to get a part time job isn’t going to change his character. This relationship likely isn’t going anywhere because he has really no motivation to change his circumstances.
Reading your post had me so frustrated.
The only thing I have to say, is if you move in with this man, or get engaged to him or god forbid get pregnant by him, I’m gonna be so mad at you.
I don’t think he could give you any more red flags if he tried.
I dont get it. What does a job have to do with passion? Feels like youre more bothered that you have to go to work and he does not.
Does sound like he's going nowhere in life, but what do you really want? I don't think you're being honest with yourself. He has money to fund your passion, so obviously money isn't the issue.
You also need to understand not everyone has some crazy passion in their life. Some are happy being content.
I’m reaching my breaking point cause I’m dead tired from work. My boyfriend pays for my concerts and festivals, but will it continue? I just want him to be passionate about reaching his breaking point too.
So, this dude is 36 and lives with his dad. That’s who he was when you started dating him two years ago. Nothing has changed. You chose this. It’s not his fault for doing exactly what he’s always done. Imagine if he was asking you to change the way you spend 40 hours a week. Other than having absolutely no pride, sounds like he’s living a dream. Not the dream. But a dream. 4 hour naps? Amazing. He’s not changing shit.
It's possible he's just a loser who needs to be dumped, and it's possible that he is very good at whatever it is that makes him money. Do you know how much he's pulling in over the course of a typical month?
No. You're not. Be cautious about reddit feedback. That said, it sounds as if you need to move on. When you do, he will get a job. Don't fall for that. It's temporary until you come back. Sorry Hon. Find a stable man who has goals. Best wishes!
NTA.
This bf doesn't want to help you, and be a partner in life....since the beginning.
A lot of people are searching for a good character and work ethic, like yours.
Cut your losses with this investment.
Is the money he make from an illegal activity? Your scarface reference seem to indicate it is.Why does his dad let his 36 year son live with him for free? is his car nice enough he could do Uber or doordash even just say 4 hours a day?
He hangs around with deadbeats? He is a deadbeat..... Therefore you hang around deadbeats. I mean wanting someone to have drive and ambition isn't an overreaction! But by the time someone is 22ish they know if they will be driven to run up the ladder of success or if they wanna dope out and bum forever.
Very very few that I know have had some change of heart and try to make something out of themselves after just being a looser for 15 years straight.
Sorry, you’re dating a child in a grown ups body. How you even started dating this guy is beyond my understanding. He has nothing to offer for a future, clearly has no drive or ambition to do anything with himself which rules out a family if you wanted one. He’s a deadbeat, you should get out of this relationship yesterday.
Wtf..If you didn't post the ages I would have assumed you're both early 20's or late teens. 36 years old. Good luck, you'll need it if you stay with him SMH
Why do women put up with men so under their league? Honesty to me it sounds like this is always how he has been, you must have known this going in considering he's always lived at home and never had a job .. so what, you thought to yourself, "I can change him"? Girl get forreal already. You guys aren't compatible in the long term so why are you putting up with this shit and wasting so much energy being so resentful??? You're young still, get out now, you're clearly unhappy.
OP.. it's time to get real: It's time to give up on this project. You can't fix him. He won't change.
Go find someone that will respect you.. and MORE IMPORANTLY... someone that you can actually respect. That's a pretty low fucking bar and you're not meeting it in this relationship.
Different lifestyle choices can make a couple incompatible. It’s okay to end a relationship over this or any reason honestly. You’re not overreacting. There is a lot to gain as far as character, maturity, and personality from a hard day’s work.
Girl.
He is not going to change because he doesn't have to. You're still his gf. His dad still lets him live rent free, he has money "he makes in other ways (is he a drug dealer?)" and is perfectly content living his life as is.
Break up with him and be done with it already. What a waste of space.
I don't understand why people date bums and then complain when they do bum shit. Why would ever date someone with no job? He's not going to change. Deal with it or dump him. 🤷🏾♀️
No if it’s a deal breaker for you. You want a partner and not a dependent and while it’s fine that his dad pays his way what happens when he is no longer able to do that? You want someone to build a life with but he isn’t able to do that currently. Please I would just follow through with breaking up because you will be the person paying his bills and supporting him once his dad is not longer able to. If you want then give him the ultimatum but please be willing to walk away if he doesn’t follow through.
Why are you dating a 36 year old unemployed man who lives with his dad? What's wrong with you?
Right, this is on her. Like what do you even see in this bum? Get some standards. Yes, a man pushing 40 should have a job. He’s never shown you he’s better than this so what do you expect??
Must be packin or something. Only explanation
This question is the only relevant one.
Because they are both losers unfortunately. OP doesn't have a sense of self worth and the bf is just a drug fueled lazy teenager living in an adult body.
Yup. I immediately thought he is probably a pot head and a half assed drug dealer.
He's self employed lol
As a drug dealer… and he’s likely not producing it, so not self employed either
She said he loves plants. I think that means he grows it.
this man is 36 years old living in his dad’s house with no job and no aspirations in life?? i personally would not put up with that; i have too much self respect to let someone like that drag me down. 🚩🚩🚩
I 100% agree with you. Could not date a man like this. But, in my opinion, why date him in the first place if he's always been like that? Dating someone and trying to change them (even if its for better in conventional terms) is also a red flag. He seems to be content with this way of living and thats ok, just incompatible with what OP wants in a partner. So yes, NTA to have that as a dealbreaker, but why wait 2 years to realise that? But the thing that rub me the wrong way is that OP works very hard, pays for all her stuff and bf despite not working still "funds her passions" - but "that cant last forever" - is OP more concerned that bf doesnt have aspirations in life or that he cannot fund her passions and provide for her indefinitely? My husband is a very hard working man, and im a hard working woman. We pool our earnings to create the life we both want, and i wouldnt have it any other way. But in the 10y we've been together i have not funded his passions and he hasnt funded mine (except gift giving).
As a dude I completely agree. I do think sometimes there's this stigma on men where if we don't work it's so much worse than if a lady doesn't work or something. But in reality who doesn't want stability? Who doesn't want someone to grow with and share in life together?If someone doesn't have aspirations and in turn have some kind of income? That's not someone you're sharing life with. That's someone you're carrying. I'm actually 36 years old and wouldn't have blamed my partner for a second for not wanting to be with me if I didn't have things going for me in my life. I also expected her to have some things going for her too. But yeah anyway. Red flags. Dude needs to get his shit together. A part-time job is minimum.
I feel like it should be the same red flag for a man of the woman isn’t working, living off parents, clearly no motivation or life plan. Do you want a partner or do you want a mooch?
Ty! I will reply when he’s not around atm!! Laterrrr after I get off work lol
You guys don’t have the same goals in life. I know someone who had the exact same situation but with genders reversed. They married and divorced. Her unwillingness to get a job was a big part of it. Finances are one of the biggest reasons why couples argue.
This is it, too many people are just attacking him for not having any life goals but tbh a lot of people are like that? He has a comfy set up where he doesn’t have to work and he doesn’t have any hobbies, alright cool that works for him. But that doesn’t mean OP just has to put up with it. She wants a partner who has ambition. Someone with hobbies, someone to have passionate conversations with. Someone who will actually talk to her. Someone who will get off their ass and take a walk with her. She wants someone who will financially, and I assume physically, contribute to the household if they live together. And this guy ain’t that. Different goals in life.
She wants an adult! There's a reason he was available when she met him.
Ughhh so true. I was in a relationship where this guy beat my ass and I found this dude next so I was like well at least he doesn’t hit me!? Fucked but true
Girl, wtf are you doing? I would expect this shizz from a 17 year old but at your age you should know better. Dump this loser, you deserve soooo much more, don't ever date a guy like this again. They don't change and it won't get better. You're a boss babe, you don't need this tool.
Curious as to how he makes his money? Because it sounds shady af. ETA: saw the Scarface reference… so he deals drugs.
I can’t imagine why you would want to be with a partner who isn’t a partner. The financial responsibility of your relationship relies on you and always well as long as you’re with him. That’s not a partnership and it’s not supportive and how you’re feeling now is only going to get more intense because it’s not fun to be with a partner that has no motivation, no life experiences and isn’t enjoying life .
Why wait? Kill it off and report back to us!
You deserve someone who works as hard as you do for your combined goals. You won’t get this guy to change and you’ll be busting butt while he sits home. I think counseling can help you with your self esteem if you stay with this guy.
I strongly suspect him making money "other ways" is selling drugs. Which is also not something I'd want to get involved with.
> He makes money in other ways What are his 'other ways' to make money and is it enough to support himself? That's really not clear here. ETA: YTA, you're dating a drug dealer, what the hell do you expect?
You are dating a drug dealer. Not even a legit fat wads of cash drug dealer. A risky dink broke ass drug dealer.
Did you see the article entitled "Why Most Drug Dealers Live with Their Mothers"? Title might not be exact. It seems the trade is like a pyramid scheme where those at the top make a lot and the retail level dealers don't make enough to get out of their parents' houses. Sounds like her BF is one of those guys.
Chapter from Freakanomics
You are correct. I had forgotten where I read that.
The ones at the bottom are the doobees. The top are the doobers. Get some slacker ass closer to handle the small sales and also all the heat while you rake in the profit. It's super easy to move up if you aren't using your own supply too. I left that shit behind in my 20s and never looked back. Within the first few months I quit doing small time things and just became basically a distribution logistics coordinator in that industry, lol. It was simple and easy, and I had the money to live how I wanted. I don't regret it as my current position is basically the same thing but in the manufacturing industry, and the differences between the two are so small it was an easy career to climb in. I hope someone catches the frank is stuck in a coil reference here.
lots of em also use their money & connections to just do drugs all day.
No. Most dudes are selling enough to pay for their personal use and maybe make a little extra. I am aware of this. However unless someone is a crackhead banging their dealer for free cracks; I can’t for the life of me see why a non addict, let alone an actual citizen would date a person like that.
Five dolla! I make u Holla! Says to his dealer..
Which it seems like she knew since they started dating. Why she expects him to change now, I do not know. Clearly it works for him and she's not going anywhere.
Yeah, she needs to accept it or break up with him.
This made me laugh so fucking hard.
Almost every drug dealer I've ever known has had a day job. You're not paying rent by slinging grams and 8 balls.
Given the Scarface allusion, I am thinking potentially illicit means.
If you read the rest of the post she makes it clear with other "hints". He sells weed, sounds like.
Not even hints she says he's a plug which means dealer.
Well the hints went right over my head, even after re-reading. I'm not in tune with the drug culture. Since that's the case it's on her for dating him.
Same - I'm not familiar with some of these terms but then the Scarface comment made my light bulb go on lol.
I was going to mention that although it not an AITA post, OP is indeed the asshole.
I guess I should have said she's overreacting, instead of the 'YTA'. Anyway dealing drug IS his job if she wants to think of it that way. I'm sure it has its own challenges as a profession.
See, but my feeling is, if you're going to be a drug dealer (of any kind) you at least need to make enough to save for bail money and to pay for an attorney. If you can't, then get out the business.
Interesting perspective. I wonder if the strategy of the worker bees in the field is just to rat out their hierarchy if they get pinched. Also, I've heard that if you can't afford a really good criminal defense lawyer you're better off with a public defender rather than a mediocre one that you pay for.
You don’t understand how shit works, you’re acting like it’s the wire and he’s some runner in the hood, he probably sells weed to mostly people he’s known awhile, there’s no hierarchy of people for someone like him, and he’s not selling anywhere near enough to be even slightly noticed or cared about by police, if he was. He wouldn’t live at home with daddy
“AIO if I want to break up with my bf/drug dealer because it’s not fair he makes money doing half the work I do and puts no effort into the relationship or shows any interest in me or bettering himself” fixed the title for you…
She has plenty of valid reasons to break up with the guy but basically sounds like she's just jealous that he doesn't have to work as often as her.... He's a loser. She sounds miserable.
Yep. He sells drugs. It's why OP just keeps saying "makes some money' without clarifying
Idk the part where she said “you can’t be a plug your whole life you aren’t Scarface” seems like pretty blatant clarification to me?
I didn't see that. I tried to scan her comments but missed that. I assumed he sold drugs already but yes...that would be confirmation
It's not in her comments it's in the main text body. But thats all a one paragraph rant so I can see how you missed it. I also had to look up what "plug" meant as I hadn't heard that slang for dealer. But she's very up front with the info
Oh boy
To answer your question no not overreacting just break up with him he’s a loser and puts no effort into your relationship. You sound like your mind was made up prior to completing this post
Why would she break up? Who would fund her concerts and shit? Lollll she’s ridiculous. OP, if you’re not happy get out.
Lmao they’re both losers and literally made for eachother. Im sure she’ll be willing to bring his son to visitation once a month and they’ll can do the lil open hand touch thing thru the glass with the old plastic phone to their ears lol.
Lmao they’re both losers and literally made for eachother. Im sure she’ll be willing to bring his son to visitation once a month and they’ll can do the lil open hand touch thing thru the glass with the old plastic phone to their ears lol.
Sigh. Please break up with him. He's never going to work or provide.
He funds her music festivals and concerts lol. That's not a cheap thing to do. How much does he need to provide for her? It sounds like he doesn't need to work, so he doesn't. Some people are set up and don't have to work, so they don't. Sounds like OP is just jealous that she has to suffer the 9-5 life, and he doesn't.
Op says something along the lines of “he can’t be a plug forever,” so it’s fair to assume that his sole stream of income comes from dealing drugs, and I can understand expecting a partner to drop that eventually and pursue a different means of getting an income. Or a concern for what happens when something (inevitably) goes wrong there.
A smart drug dealer knows that eventually they are going to have to at LEAST start a “shell company” or a business or some way to make themselves legit. The goal is to roll the money into a business that starts making its own legit money and get out of the game. It’s true you can’t be a “plug” your whole life. It’s too risky and as an adult you will need things like proof of income if you ever want to purchase a home or a car etc etc..OP you are not overreacting, this man should have his mind on some sort of passion or business idea to start working on especially at 36. 36 is too old to have no other plans for life
even if nothing goes wrong per se, weed is rapidly getting legalized. why would I still use my dealer if I can buy better product from my local dispensary, know it's high quality and exactly what's in it, AND have them actually be reliable? I don't know anyone who uses a dealer anymore, it's not a long-term career nowadays. OP get some therapy tbh if you think this is a good relationship
See if his money was coming from investments, generational wealth, or something you could actually put on the books then I would maybe agree with this, but it’s not about him making money, it’s about how he’s making the money. Like others and OP have said you can’t just be a drug dealer forever.
So you're saying your bf is a small time drug dealer...got it. Regardless that only ends in one of two ways and neither are good for you. You're not wrong. Leave now before he ruins your life.
Mouu hi
You both seem like assholes. He's a drug dealer and a loser and doesnt seem like he ever plans to do anything with his life other than sit around his dad's house. You dont even care that hes a drug dealer or a loser youre just upset you have to work and he doesnt but your oh so strong stance on how he lives goes out the window when he pays for your hobbies. If I was you id dump him, if I was him id dump you.
Not her hobbies...festivals are her "love and passion."
Once daddy is gone then what? That would be the question I would ask myself. I don't knock someone for living with parents if they are trying to get ahead. If his side hustles bring in a decent amount of money then it is what it is. I would keep an eye on how he maintains any responsibility.
I think there’s a little bit of jealousy tinged in there. I think it bothers you that you have to work so much especially after a medical incident and he is able to do what he wants with the support from his dad. maybe focusing on a different approach might help. do you want a future with him? maybe discussions need to look like “so how will we afford a house when we want to get one? what kind of wedding will we have? how will we pay for it? do we want kids? how will we pay for it?” it sounds like there two different work ethics here and that is getting to you. you are a hard worker!! you’re busting your ass—totally understandable to be frustrated that he isn’t! I think being open about these feelings with him may help him see your perspective. if he never wants to get a job and that is a hard boundary for u, then maybe it’s time to rethink the relationship. imo, he should want to do everything he can to build a better life for the both of you if that’s what he invisions in ur future. if not, his priorities don’t align with yours and maybe it’s time to find someone who does!
It sounds to me like she’s made many attempts to talk to him about how she feels and he keeps brushing her off. I have no sympathy for this guy, because he’s not even trying. To OP: you’ve put up with this long enough. It’s not going to get better. I know everyone in posts like these will tell you to dump him. Including me. Get rid of his lazy ass and don’t look back!
Agreed, but I think this is a blame post for things that are bothering OP about herself. Relationship sounds useless, but sounds like she's not happy that she's not going anywhere. Getting a job has nothing to do with passion.
Yeah, after re-reading it, it sounds like she’s very jealous of his lifestyle. I mean, I am too lol, but I wouldn’t be with someone who I resent. Agree on the passion part, too. I think what really throws me off is that he lives at home. She says he isn’t paying for anything (may or may not be true). If his dad actually is covering his bills, that’s what made me think he’s kind of lazy and immature.
Break up while you don’t have a child with him yet!!
Girl run. This is his life, he will never change.
And you're with this loser for what reason?? I don't think you're overreacting, but I am... sitting here going, 'WTAF?? Is this for real?'
He's a loser for not paying for her life more than he already does? Doesn't seem possible that maybe *she's* a sponge?
Could be that both of them are, um, not long-term relationship material. So maybe they deserve each other? I don't see him 'paying for her life' tho'... concert tickets aren't necessary the way rent and insurance are.
So he drives you wherever you want to go, pays for your concerts and festivals, is friendly and has a social life, and has a car, place to live, and no drama? Yeah you should really kick his ass to the curb, you need a sugar daddy stat lol. Look, the guy might not have much ambition but he's happy, and if that's not what you're looking for then go be with someone else, don't tear the man down. He's stable and having a relaxing life, you are genuinely jealous of his life and you're mad that he can't give you the exact same thing. You know how I know, because I have a very similar situation. I don't tell people I retired early anymore, if someone wants to get to know me for me then they will. You are being mean to a kind person for no reason. My guess is you want something from him and until you fully communicate that you're just kind of being bitchy, sorry.
LoL the first comment that didn't straight up just assume he's a drug dealer. Yeah he might just be one but the aim is to look at posts at face value.
Are you overreacting to your bfs situation? Yes. He has free will to live how he wants and is not a financial drain on you. Are you overreacting for not wanting to be with him like this? No. You, too, have free will, and this relationship sounds like it's incompatible for what you want out of life and a partner. He will do what he wants, and you can't change that. All you can do is either decide to live with it or move on.
Surprisingly, you are the dipshit here for walking into a brick wall and crying that it's hard. Like holy shit could you see that coming from miles away and you still fell for it.
Why in the world would you want to be with someone like that? You sound like you deserve much more from a partner.
It hasn't been a deal breaker for 2 damn years, so why is it now? He's 36 and his daddy still pays his bills. What's he going to do when daddy's gone? Well, that's where you come in. I guess you need to decide if going to concerts is worth the tradeoff of carrying his dead weight forever. I'm guessing you don't have a great job if you couldn't take any time off after having a seizure. Can it sustain your life if you have to pay for his beer too?
Honestly I would say you’re overreacting because logically what is the upside for him changing his lifestyle? He’s basically the Dude from the Big Lebowski. You don’t change guys like that, they love their lives. It makes more sense for you to recognize that he’s just a phase of your life and that there was always going to be an expiration date for your relationship.
I was gonna say im the same cause im 26 and live w my parents, but i have a job.. and im saving to get an apartment so i guess not really. Oh hes 36 not 26
You can ask him to get a job until you're blue in the face, he won't get one. He is fine with his life but you deserve better. I don't think I'd ever want to date a shiftless man. Even if he was a trust fund baby. I have to respect someone I date and I don't have much respect for a man who doesn't work.
If you don't like what he is doing now wait till you see him in 20 years... He's a loser. Time to move on.
As soon as you said ‘other ways’ I knew he was a dealer. Girl your standards are in the toilet. This is on you for dating this man. He’s going nowhere.
Why are you dating the weed man anyways?
My aunt once told me never to get in a relationship with someone expecting them to change. It sounds like you are doing just that & it’s not going to work. Why are you wasting your time?
You are not going to fix him. Accept that.
If your bf was my son he would be homeless he sounds like a POS LAZY ass
lol dad enables him. He actually wanted to be living a tent but his dad forced him to stay in the house cause he was worried about him on the street….parent worries? I have no kids but I’m guessing that’s why
If he has money who cares what he does. There's always going to be someone out there that is better off than you. A lot of rich people never worked a day in their life and have just been living life on their terms this whole time while you have to bust your butt 24/7 and pay bills and hope to have enough money left to eat on the rest of the month. That's life. Some people just have it better than others. If you can't handle his lifestyle then end it. Simple as that. I know this dude isn't rich and is living with Daddy but that's his choice. His right. If both parties are OK with it of course. If you're not ok with it then you should've ended it by now.
NAH. It doesn't dound like he's sponging off you to fund his lifestyle, and your not one for not being happy with dating what i'm guessin is a drug dealer with little to no carreer prospects/goals. I cant see this relationship lasting though.
What does he bring to your life?
You want an equal partner, and that will never be him. He has no ambition. And you can not change that. He is not the right one for you. You’re too incompatible and have very different goals. You have goals. He doesn’t.
I don't think she wants an equal partner, she wants someone to take care of her, but either way I agree that is never going to be what this relationship is.
I dated a man child with wealthy parents for almost a year, and while I genuinely loved many things about him, his lack of ambition and complete reliance on his parents always kinda made me resent him/not respect him. I grew up in a working class family and am working class myself and have received help from my parents only once or twice in emergencies since I moved out of their house at age 19. Watching my ex float through life occasionally working part time with his greatest concern being “I hate this job, I guess I’ll quit and ask for money from my dad again!” while I had no choice but to bust my ass every day to pay bills was frustrating, and I ultimately decided I couldn’t build a life with someone I didn’t respect. You and your boyfriend are not a good match (and he sounds like kind of a loser, in my personal opinion), and you’re not overreacting.
He isn't going to change. Quit waiting for him to change. What you see is what you get. Decide if that is good enough for you and move on if it isn't. This man is never going to increase your financial health/stability or contribute as an equal partner.
It sounds like you want to dump him. So why don't you just do that? You know the advice reddit will give. His lifestyle doesn't seem to be what you want, so why don't you find someone with a compatible lifestyle? I've known people to professionally grow pot all their lives, and retire to live in Hawaii. It can be very lucrative. I've know people to sell drugs and use it to buy a dump truck and transition to being a legit dump truck driver. I also know an architect who was friends with a bunch of druggies and his lifelong hobby is going to shows and music festivals. That's what he wants to do. He doesn't want kids. He finally settled down and bought a condo with a long time girlfriend at age 50. That's as settled as it's ever going to get. He still goes to shows, hangs out, etc is has the lifestyle of a 25 year old "deadbeat" except that he works (not as an architect anymore, but something else that pays the bills). Being a drug dealer doesn't mean one has a dead end life or no goals. Having a profession doesn't mean you are goal oriented.
Nta but it seems you just want different things. Rather than try change him I'd suggest find someone more compatible.
It’s difficult for a person to make changes even when they really want to, so what do you think the chances of success would be for a person who isn’t interested in changing to become the person someone else wants them to be? I’m going to harsh here, but you are causing yourself a lot of frustration and grief by staying with someone but wanting them to not just get a job, but become an entirely different person. Which you are allowed to do, but he’s also allowed to be his lazy self. These are the choices that are entirely in your hands here: 1. Accept him for who he is 2. Leave him and find someone more aligned with your lifestyle, values, and needs 3. Keep trying to mold him into what you want and experience the consequences of failing
So you started dating a man in his 30s with no job who lives with his dad and you’re shocked none of that has magically changed just because you entered his life? Bro is doing exactly what he wants and, for now, the only consequence is that you nag him. He’s not going to change. If you want a boyfriend that is different, you’ll need to find a different boyfriend.
If he was wealthy enough to not work and live on his own I might feel differently, but this is just lazy bullshit manbaby stuff. 36 and living at home with no job or any ambition to work. I would put that dude in my rearview mirror so fast. I mean would you want him to be the father of any children do you might have?
You’re dating a 36 yo child because???? I wouldn’t date someone that can’t hold a job for longer than a day…
Why are you with a 36 year old Hobosexual exactly? What does this scrub bring to the table, besides audacity? Kick this clown to the curb, Sis. You deserve better
He is living a life he can afford to live. Probably not enough for you to post on Instagram as a catch though, so you want more. Unless you want him to finance you, how hard you work is irrelevant if you are not subsidising him. You are only paying for yourself and will probably only do the same in the future. Him having a job makes no difference. People might be hating on him in here, but you have not actually said that he treats you badly or cannot afford to treat you or live his lifestyle. You know who he is and from that we know he hasn't lied about it. It's your choice whether you can accept him for who he is or if you want someone else who does more.
Valid are mismatched. Doesn’t seem like a relationship worth staying. Especially if you’ll always be frustrated by this. You’re not overreacting. You’re just expecting too much of someone who’s incapable or not willing. Either way…dump him. And give yourself one less thing to stress over.
Lose the deadbeat
In my experience, you will always be asking. He might appease you for even a month or two, but then there will be some reason it didn't work out. I was with someone for 9 years who had a job for maybe a total of a year out of that (2 or 3 weeks here, a couple months there, etc.). You need someone who matches your level of ambition and motivation. Or at least meets a bare minimum requirement (which should be being able to survive mostly* on their own) *This economy is rough. Needing a roommate or paying rent at your parents house is fine sometimes. As long as that's not the end goal.
Why is this person your BF?
You aren’t overreacting but I gotta ask. Is the d*ck REALLY that good? Because girl wtf? You are damn near 40. Grow a backbone and dump him, please.
2.5 years. 36, no job and lives at home. Why are you with him?
why tf would even start dating him in the first place?
You're too good for this loser. Dump him and get a man.
He’s a loser and he isn’t gonna change at close to 40. Cut bait and leave him.
He will bring you down. You'll end up supporting his lazy ass. Run while you can! Picture a friend of yours with your circumstances. You would tell them that person is toxic.
Time to look for another BF
Stop trying to change him and just get a better boyfriend. He is who he is and probably won’t change, and you obviously want someone with more ambition and a life.
Stop asking him. Just leave. He has shown his intention and he is happy living that way. You are the only one that is not happy. 36 is way too old to be living that way. He would rather loaf about than be productive for his own development and self sufficiency and self respect, and maybe you don't see it right now, but even you are losing respect for him. I can see it in your words. Needless to say, don't marry this man and don't waste another minute with someone who is content to depend on you and his dad. Find a man for whom a situation where you're busting your butt while they are relaxing is unacceptable and who will go out and slay the world to add to what you bring to the table.
You’re not living together so you busting your ass off is for your home and life not his. So honestly I don’t see an issue. If he’s over all the time or moved in it would be an issue of not contributing to household stuff but it’s not his place so why would he contribute? I don’t really see your point here other than he’s not the person you want. And that’s totally ok! Just break up with him and find someone more aligned with your goals/wants
I mean you know the answer already. You are worth more than this.
Ditch this loser. What are you waiting for, an actual miracle? Lmao RUN!!
Why the fuck would you date someone like that, much less stay with them for over 2 years? There could be no future with him.
Time to find a new boyfriend. You're paying for your own place already, and this guy isn't contributing so what does he actually bring to the table?
Your love and passion are festivals and concerts and he’s a drug dealer. Lmao y’all are both walking red flags but best of luck to y’all
So why haven't you dumped the garbage?
Get a new boyfriend, this guy’s a complete nothing.
So why are you with him? He contributes nothing and is dead weight.
The real question is: what’s wrong with you? Really, do you consider yourself an adult? Do you think this is an adult relationship? Do you think a sensible adult would settle for such an unsatisfactory “partner”? Really, it’s long past time for you to grow up. Get rid of this human slug and start looking for someone like yourself.
What do you see in this man?
He's not an adult. Ditch him and find someone responsible.
Unless you're going to be happy working your ass off to support this guy *for the rest of your life,* you have no future with him and you're wasting your time.
Why are you with this loser? Don't waste any more of your life on him, and do not say *but I LOVE HIM*... rubbish. You love pretending you are in a relationship. This is not a relationship - not a healthy one, anyway. If one of your friends told you all of what you wrote out in that horrendously-unbroken paragraph, you would tell them to leave. So leave. I write this from the perspective of someone who wasted their entire 20s with a loser who I had to push to do everything (and he was 10 years older than me). Get out now.
If he’s earning money and isn’t sponging of you - what is your concern exactly? Feeling like you’re extremely emotionally invested in his job behaviour to your detriment. Maybe you need some time out to think about what you want ?
He's wasting your time. Move on.
So what? He’s selling drugs? Dude is wayyyy too old to being doing what he’s doing. Try and do better and have more respect for yourself. Unless he has a trust fund and can live any way he wants and is studying to that end, I don’t see this being ok behavior
Nope, nope, nope. Loser. There is no future in this. Someone who works as hard as you do should be with someone likewise motivated. You will always be supporting him. NTA
This is a lost cause. A 36 year old man baby that lives with his dad is a hard no. Move on and live your life.
Why are you dating this guy? He sounds like a loser.
He’s not your type, time to move on.
He’s a child, and one who does not appear to be growing up anytime soon. I would dump his ass, and find a man who treats me well and contributes to society.
Who told you to go and date a bum? This is on you. If you have to force a grown man to work and be independent, he should not be dating.
You're an asshole. You say he has money and that's not the issue you just want him to get a shitty job like you so you can feel better? What's the issue here really?
I’d leave his ass. He’s a loser
Hate to say it… what took you so long? At the first date if they are a 30+ and still leave at home that would be the last date! Run, run far and find a man not a child.
This guy is 100% loser. A middle aged ‘man’ brings nothing to the table.
Never get in a relationship with a man that doesn’t have a job or a proper means to support himself. He’s 36 and still relying on daddy. How do you think the future is going to play out for you? You need to be either single or able to find a relationship with an adult that can take care of themselves and be a partner to you in a relationship. This man will never do anything he doesn’t have to.
Not overreacting. I’m sorry to say this but your bf is also a deadbeat. That’s why he likes those friends. There are better partners out there for you. Time to move on.
Holy shit this is either the fakest thing I've read today or you two are just so drugged out of your minds you can't even walk away from this guy lol
You can not change him. He has to decide for himself if he's going to change. He is saying loud and clear his current lifestyle is more important to him than you are. You have a decision to make, continue to put up with him, or move on and find someone with the same work ethic as yourself. Having been there myself, I say move on before two kids and 11 years of marriage. YOU DESERVE BETTER!
Wow, you have to ask? Are you looking forward to a lifetime of supporting him. That's what you're going to do if you stay with him.
Not overreacting, but what do you get from this relationship? Don't you think you deserve a partner who can hold down a job, have his own place, pay bills ... in other words, a functioning adult? I think you do, so be your own best friend and tell this guy "nice knowing you, " and move on !
I strongly urge you to pay the $19.99 or whatever for a background check on this guy. Just sounds like something is off.
When you first met, why weren’t you turned off by a grown man who *didn’t have a job and no plans to get one???* Ewww. Just ewww. He’s a loser; why would you partner with him?
Why are you dating this deadbeat?
YTA for a couple reasons, but primarily trying to force someone to get a job when dating. You aren’t living together, aren’t sharing finances, and you make no mention of him not paying for dates or anything. You can choose not to date him any more, or progress the relationship and be totally within your rights. But he’s told you no, you need to respect his choice and decide from there what you need to do
He’s 36 years old? Why are you with him? You don’t need to raise a child, men should come to you fully formed. You’re in your 30s and being an adult; you deserve a partner who is an adult.
Why do you support this person?
He could work at Home Depot with plants. If he's into weed he can move to a state that it's legal and work at a weed shop. You on the other hand deserve a guy that has ambition and hobbies. You picked the least likely person for your compatibility. Move on he will always be exactly what he is. You deserve better.
Look girl, you seem like a responsible person but your choice in this guy is simply awful. Like a famous saying goes “ garbage in, garbage out “. This guy is clearly a 2/10. Clearly. Just leave your too good I do recommend finding a bull at a swingers club. They generally are leader alpha type
Break up with him. You don't have time for this. Live your life, single or not, without him dragging you down.
Why are you still with this person? Do you think he’s going to magically change? Boy bye.
Girl, I mean this with the Deepest Respect for you: Dump your BF and TAKE CARE OF YOU. As someone who is an Epileptic Myself, you need Time to heal, Period. YOU SHOULD NOT BE DRIVING. You need REST. Especially the Day after.
If you've had enough, then move on. He doesn't have the same life goals or values as you, so this can't last long term. You say he hangs out with deadbeats, so yay to him, he found his people. And if that works for him (sounds like it does) then yay for him. You can't and shouldn't change him. That is who he is. Leave him be.
He's not motivated & never will be, most likely. He's content with being a moocher and is probably dealing with some mental health issues that have been going on. Your relationship is a hobby for him. He is not long-term potential; he's not in high school and needs work and accountability.
I'm glad you're leaving because wtf girl
I think we need more INFO: He has been unemployed for years but he “makes money other ways”? What other ways? He has money to fund your festivals and concerts? How? Where did all this money come from? Not having a “job” could be acceptable if he genuinely earns enough passive income to replace a reasonable full time income. It doesn’t sound like thats the case but if it is, theres no real reason to get a job other than OP is jealous about how he spends his days. Unfair byt true. Regardless though, he spends his days sleeping and drinking, and hangs out with deadbeats and lives with his dad and no financial responsibilities. Requiring him to get a part time job isn’t going to change his character. This relationship likely isn’t going anywhere because he has really no motivation to change his circumstances.
Yeah he’s clearly a loser but you’re choosing to be with this loser and it also says a lot about you.
Reading your post had me so frustrated. The only thing I have to say, is if you move in with this man, or get engaged to him or god forbid get pregnant by him, I’m gonna be so mad at you. I don’t think he could give you any more red flags if he tried.
I dont get it. What does a job have to do with passion? Feels like youre more bothered that you have to go to work and he does not. Does sound like he's going nowhere in life, but what do you really want? I don't think you're being honest with yourself. He has money to fund your passion, so obviously money isn't the issue. You also need to understand not everyone has some crazy passion in their life. Some are happy being content.
This is true! I can fund my own passion. But anything helps lol and you’re right. Some people are happy just being content and chillin
I’m reaching my breaking point cause I’m dead tired from work. My boyfriend pays for my concerts and festivals, but will it continue? I just want him to be passionate about reaching his breaking point too. So, this dude is 36 and lives with his dad. That’s who he was when you started dating him two years ago. Nothing has changed. You chose this. It’s not his fault for doing exactly what he’s always done. Imagine if he was asking you to change the way you spend 40 hours a week. Other than having absolutely no pride, sounds like he’s living a dream. Not the dream. But a dream. 4 hour naps? Amazing. He’s not changing shit.
You are both too old to change. Are you able to be happy with a stay at home partner? If not, it would be best if you part ways.
Yta your boyfriend's a drug dealer who doesn't have any expenses. Why are you mad at him
So does he make enough money or do you just want him working?
Girl you are dating a bum A drug dealing bum Why Are you a bum ? No. Break up and find a man with a real job
It's possible he's just a loser who needs to be dumped, and it's possible that he is very good at whatever it is that makes him money. Do you know how much he's pulling in over the course of a typical month?
Sounds like you don't like the relationship! Simple as that!
No. You're not. Be cautious about reddit feedback. That said, it sounds as if you need to move on. When you do, he will get a job. Don't fall for that. It's temporary until you come back. Sorry Hon. Find a stable man who has goals. Best wishes!
NTA. This bf doesn't want to help you, and be a partner in life....since the beginning. A lot of people are searching for a good character and work ethic, like yours. Cut your losses with this investment.
Is the money he make from an illegal activity? Your scarface reference seem to indicate it is.Why does his dad let his 36 year son live with him for free? is his car nice enough he could do Uber or doordash even just say 4 hours a day?
He hangs around with deadbeats? He is a deadbeat..... Therefore you hang around deadbeats. I mean wanting someone to have drive and ambition isn't an overreaction! But by the time someone is 22ish they know if they will be driven to run up the ladder of success or if they wanna dope out and bum forever. Very very few that I know have had some change of heart and try to make something out of themselves after just being a looser for 15 years straight.
Sorry, you’re dating a child in a grown ups body. How you even started dating this guy is beyond my understanding. He has nothing to offer for a future, clearly has no drive or ambition to do anything with himself which rules out a family if you wanted one. He’s a deadbeat, you should get out of this relationship yesterday.
Your bf is a loser. You seriously want this life?
Wtf..If you didn't post the ages I would have assumed you're both early 20's or late teens. 36 years old. Good luck, you'll need it if you stay with him SMH
Why do women put up with men so under their league? Honesty to me it sounds like this is always how he has been, you must have known this going in considering he's always lived at home and never had a job .. so what, you thought to yourself, "I can change him"? Girl get forreal already. You guys aren't compatible in the long term so why are you putting up with this shit and wasting so much energy being so resentful??? You're young still, get out now, you're clearly unhappy.
OP.. it's time to get real: It's time to give up on this project. You can't fix him. He won't change. Go find someone that will respect you.. and MORE IMPORANTLY... someone that you can actually respect. That's a pretty low fucking bar and you're not meeting it in this relationship.
Nah, he's a loser
If he was going to get his act together he would have done it years ago. This kid who he is, lazy, no self respect, a user. Stop being a victim.
Different lifestyle choices can make a couple incompatible. It’s okay to end a relationship over this or any reason honestly. You’re not overreacting. There is a lot to gain as far as character, maturity, and personality from a hard day’s work.
dudes a loser. cut your losses.
INFO: What all do you like about your boyfriend?
Girl. He is not going to change because he doesn't have to. You're still his gf. His dad still lets him live rent free, he has money "he makes in other ways (is he a drug dealer?)" and is perfectly content living his life as is. Break up with him and be done with it already. What a waste of space.
I don't understand why people date bums and then complain when they do bum shit. Why would ever date someone with no job? He's not going to change. Deal with it or dump him. 🤷🏾♀️
No if it’s a deal breaker for you. You want a partner and not a dependent and while it’s fine that his dad pays his way what happens when he is no longer able to do that? You want someone to build a life with but he isn’t able to do that currently. Please I would just follow through with breaking up because you will be the person paying his bills and supporting him once his dad is not longer able to. If you want then give him the ultimatum but please be willing to walk away if he doesn’t follow through.
So he grows and sells weed then? 😆 Just seems like you're not well matched any longer. Time to move on