*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **I (23M) feel very disrespected by my girlfriend (24F). Earlier, she broke a promise that she just made 12 hours ago. How should I try to resolve this?** TLDR: Girlfriend went on a work trip, promised constant updates but never messaged or called. When contacted, she ignores my messages and calls. I need help in giving an ultimatum about respecting the relationship. LONG POST AHEAD FOR CONTEXT: To start, I **love** my girlfriend. We met in college, and we have been through many challenges together and always stayed strong. She has always had this bad habit to ignore texts and calls. For instance, when we went out as friends years ago, I see her mom/dad/friends calling her and she chooses to ignore it everytime to focus on our activity. This behavior to me is very *very* rude. I've called her out on it once. But it really never was a big deal to me because I used to be the exception to this rule ever since we started dating. She would always reply to me even when she's busy, and I was satisfied with the setup. She just had her first job recently and has been replying hours late. I really don't mind because I am busy too and sometimes also reply late (but not hours late). Anyway... earlier today was their teambuilding outing. They had to take a bus for an 8hr trip just to reach their destination. She has talked about this outing with me for a few weeks now. And she mentioned how they will be drinking alcohol. After countless parties with my girlfriend, I **know** how weak she is with alcohol and how she loses herself when under the influence. In every party we're with, I literally have to watch over her because she tends to puke when drinking too much too fast. Since I am not in that trip, I voiced out my concerns. I told her that I don't trust and that I don't know any of her coworkers (especially the male coworkers). I told her that it would be very easy to take advantage of a drunk cute petite girl like her, so she should stay sober as much as possible. I also reminded her that she can say "no" to drinking more. Lastly, I told her that she should: 1) Drink just 1 cup the whole night 2) Not to trust her coworkers too much (she calls the guys her brothers) cus she literally just met them 3) Hold her cup and her phone the whole time. If she has to pee, bring the drink to the bathroom with her. **AND MOST IMPORTANTLY** 4) Always update me whenever she can. I really thought she understood. We talked about this for weeks now. She even called me cute for being protective and was \*seemingly\* loving how I treat her. Ever since the start of the relationship, I already emphasized that I want clear communication and respect-- those two are all I ask for. **Anyway, let's skip to what happened today...** **TIMELINE:** 5am - she woke up to go to her workplace where the bus was waiting, she messaged me about this 10am- I messaged her to ask what's up because I haven't heard from her... no reply 12pm- she messaged me that they're currently having lunch and sends me a video. I reminded her nicely that she's the one who promised me to update me from time to time, and it has been almost 8hrs since her last message. I reminded her that she is not in the city and that she is 8hrs away from home, so it's important for me to receive updates (i don't like the provinces in my country) 3pm- she messaged me to say that she just got to her hotel room with 2 other female coworkers. 4pm - she told me they're going to the beach, and she showed me what she was gonna wear. She was originally gonna wear a bikini, but she said she thinks I won't feel secure about it deep down so she wore a rash guard instead. (I was of course happy with her decision even if i never told her to do this) *so far so good... right?* well no, i have no problem with her sexy outfits, that's not even the problem at all! i just wanna know her whereabouts and what shes doing, because I feel uneasy that she's all alone in such a far place with a bunch of men i've never met. So far, she has been doing a bad job with updating me, but I don't wanna seem too clingy and needy so i waited til she initiates. 8pm - still no updates from her, so I message her to ask how she's doing because I am getting anxious 9pm - still no replies, so i call her. She apologizes and says that her phone was on sleep mode. I told her that it's okay and reminded her once again that she promised to update me. I bought her unlimited data and unlimited calls and texts around this time and told her that she has no excuses left now. I sounded a bit pissed, but she just laughed and said that she loves me and not to worry cus she will update me. 11pm - no updates, i call her to ask if she drank. she was speaking gibberish, then i told her to get back to her room cus it really isnt safe drinking with men she just met. She laughed and started talking coherently and said she only took a few sips, just as i told her to. I once again reminded her to update me from time to time. 1am - no updates. I message her to check if she's asleep. After receiving no replies for 30 mins, i told her "good night baby! I hope you had fun today <3 please lock your doors" 2:30am - I couldn't sleep. I couldn't help but think that she's still awake. She never goes to sleep without telling me, so it's unusual. I called her phone on Facebook Messenger. She didn't pick up. I called her main phone. No answer. I called it again. No answer. Called it again the third time and she picked up. I heard laughter in the background, and the first thing she told me was to chill out. I asked her what happened to the promise she said to me about? What happened to the updates? While laughing, she told me that she forgot. I heard both male and female coworkers laughing in the background while going "oooohhh." I heard my girlfriend laugh to the reaction. I felt so fucking disrespected and stayed quiet. Who knows-- if she's being this disrespectful, she might've put me on speaker phone too. She then said "babe, i thought you said you were gonna sleep already?" At this point i was super pissed, but I maintained my composure in the tone of my voice. I said "So you saw my messages and didn't think it was worth 3 seconds of your time to reply 'I'm okay'? Is it really hard to sacrifice 3 seconds of your time to let me know that you're alive?" She laughed and said sorry because they were having deep conversations. She told me that she planned to update me the following day. She then said "why are you so worried, i'm not even drunk?" I said "how am i even supposed to know that you're not drunk if you never update me? the last thing you told me was that you were drinking with your coworkers. Sorry I get worried about you, have fun" I couldn't handle the disrespect and her complete disregard to the relationship so I told her to just have fun and ended the call. I messaged her all my thoughts. She replied over an hour later with only two words-- "\*my name\* why" The disrespect is too much but I am willing to give her another chance cus this level of disrespect is the first time it happened. I am willing to give her the benefit of the doubt, but I need help in creating an ultimatum. This was NOT the same girl I envisioned to marry in the future. We've talked about marriage a lot and I really believed that she will be my wife. But after the disrespect she showed me, I felt very unloved and I will not hesitate to breakup if this behavior will continue further. Three questions for you who have read this far: 1) How exactly should I say that this should be the first AND last time that disrespect will happen and that I will breakup with her if she continues acting this way 2) If you were in my shoes, what would you do? 3) Was I wrong to freak out on her? I wrote this story objectively, and the facts are as unbiased as possible. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*

If I'd taken a shot every time I read the word "disrespect" I would be so drunk this guy would be clutching his pearls all the way till next Sunday. And then he'd dump me over the disrespect. 😂

Only if you didn't text him updates every 30 seconds telling him about the shots!

Oh I'd send him photos and wait for his updates on the aneurysm, he seems the type to feel disrespected either way.

And wore a rashguard rather than a bikini.

Tf is even a rash guard

In sports (martial arts but also swimming) these are these functional suits. Depending on how much protection you need for example with a full sleeve or a tee. Many swimsuits for toddlers are also like that, to prevent stuff like sunburn on the shoulders.

Oh cool. Now I gotta see what it looks like

[https://athleta.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=657724132&cid=97464&pcid=97464&vid=1&nav=meganav%3ASwim%3ACATEGORIES%3AUPF%20Rashguards%20%26%20Cover-ups&cpos=4&cexp=3064&kcid=CategoryIDs%3D97464&cvar=27654&ctype=Listing&cpid=res2405061452858202277151#pdp-page-content](https://athleta.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=657724132&cid=97464&pcid=97464&vid=1&nav=meganav%3ASwim%3ACATEGORIES%3AUPF%20Rashguards%20%26%20Cover-ups&cpos=4&cexp=3064&kcid=CategoryIDs%3D97464&cvar=27654&ctype=Listing&cpid=res2405061452858202277151#pdp-page-content)

"Disrespect" was my abusive ex's favorite fucking word. Everything was disrespectful, including having male coworkers. And she thought it was her right to punish me for that. I'm so worried for this poor woman.

Honestly, when someone uses "disrespect" in terms of a relationship I'm starting to read it as a red flag, and yes this is sexist but this applies doubly for men who use it. I saw somewhere that when women say they want to be respected it means they want to be treated as equals in the relationship, have their opinions heard, and be seen as human beings, when men say they want to be respected, it means they want to be obeyed.

For some people respect means equality, and for other respect means authority. My brother (diagnosed mental illness) cannot be convinced that respect is not the same as authority. And he rants and raves about every single perceived slight on his authority/superiority over everyone- even if it’s a random stranger. I’m at a total loss with him because while we used to be close: it’s really hard to listen to a 38 year old man, with no job, no friends, and no clean clothes rant about how he’s so far beyond the scope of every other human and is entitled to every damn thing… there’s just no getting through to him. (Yes he’s medicated, no he isn’t participating in therapy)

To be fair, that sounds like a lot of dude's takes on respect as authority.

Yeah- they should work on that. Lol

Also: You promised!!! Coerce you into agreement bc you get worn down then… you promised!!!!

Absolutely. I "promised" I wouldn't wear that color anymore to get you to stop hitting me, ffs. And then I was "disrespectful" by breaking that "promise." She promised to stop hitting me about a million times, and never kept her word on that...

And “reminds” Jeeze.

Yes, but \*nicely\*. Yuck.

I had to stop reading once he started going off on the timeline. Holy cow. I was annoyed with him and wanted to break up lol. The guy is clearly a cheater. Only cheaters are this suspicious 24/7. But he’s also a creepy abuser who will control her every move… literally, if given the chance. Anytime a guy says ‘well I trust YOU, babe it’s just I don’t trust those other guys’ that’s code for: I don’t trust you bc I’m a lying cheating AH and I’m super possessive and controlling but I know that’s not socially acceptable so I’m gonna control you for … safety reasons… She’s been adulting for a while now. She doesn’t need him to micromanage her.

He is so fragile it's astounding.

You inspired me to do just that but while drinking water and I am incredibly hydrated so thank you. 😂 Honestly, maybe he should break up with her if he feels so “disrespected” by her spending time with her coworkers and then she can find someone significantly better than him.

I just can’t get over him saying he thought it was rude she didn’t respond to texts from other people while out doing things with him? Like I’m pretty sure more people would say it’s rude to have your phone out and be texting while spending time with someone?

Right? I take it as a sign of respect if someone focuses on me instead of all the texts/messages/scrolling on their phone. Whenever I’m out with friends, I will ignore any texts I get to my phone. Unless it’s my Mom, because my mom will think I’m dead in a ditch if I don’t answer within an hour (she watches too much Dateline).

LMAO, my parents and sister are the same way. It's to the point that they want me to carry my cane with me even on extremely short (like down the block and back) walks, partially because I sometimes get dizzy, but also so that I can hit potential attackers with it. Really though, if I'm with other people, I ignore any non-urgent texts. I think most people do. It's what's polite.

As someone who gets dizzy due to medical things, if you don't know why, I'd recommend getting that found out. Certain things can be fixed, others can't be, but some things will also leave you more vulnerable to thinks like febrile seizures (ask me how I know that one!). No need to divulge medical histories, but like, if you don't know, and have the ability to find out, it's worth finding out! Plus, one of the cures is "just eat more salt" which means prescription potato chips and medical margaritas (joking, but... only kind of?)

Yeah, I've been trying to figure that out for the past 5-6 years. I've seen multiple doctors and had a bunch of tests, but so far they either have no clue or they blame it on anxiety. Which, sure, I have chronic anxiety and I know that doesn't help my case, but I'm not convinced that my dizzy spells are solely caused by anxiety. Ah well. Nothing to do but just keep trying, at least until insurance decides that they don't want to pay for it (it has happened before).

I'm the same, except my mom is an elder boomer so doesn't text, she just calls. However, the only time she calls is for something important, and for a while there I knew every phone call from her could be a notice that someone is going to the hospital so I answered every call. Especially at work functions I'm careful about my phone use. My boss and his boss and I go out for lunch once a month or so, and I'm damn sure the only thing I'm looking at on my phone while they can see me is my work email (I go to the washroom to check texts) for the length of the meal (which is sometimes 2 to 3 hours by the end of it all).

Back when cell phones were still newish, I got a call from my dad. I didn’t answer it. He left a voicemail that basically said “what’s the point of having a phone if you won’t answer it?!” I call my mom because I had to talk to her about something else otherwise, and just said in a very monotone voice “tel your husband I didn’t answer his phone call because I was in the shower.” I could practically hear her eye roll over the phone. 😂😂 My point came across, though. Now if I don’t answer, he’ll just text me.

Not just rude. It’s very *very* rude to not drop everything and ignore your companions to take a call or text.

Whenever I hear someone use "very very" I am reminded of Dead Poets Society.

Hanging out with people who do nothing but sit on their phones the whole time (Rot Dates™️ being the exception) are beyond frustrating, I’d rather not be there with them at all

I know that's just the tip of the iceberg but it's so back asswards I can't get past it to the rest of his ridiculous behavior.

The number of times he mentioned "disrespect" is making my skin crawl.

>told her that it would be very easy to take advantage of a drunk cute petite girl like her, 1.  Being cute and petite doesn’t make you more likely to be sexually assaulted 2.  She was rooming with 2 women.  There were women there and likely management.  The risk isn’t zero, but it’s not as big as his jak. Wagon thinks.  3.  OMFG he’s suffocating.  They likely had all the employees turn off their phones during the activities, since “team building” was the goal, not “bury your face in your phone”.   4. I hope she dumps him like a pile of dog poop. 

The amount that he doesn't trust her to exist in the world without his constant supervision. It's the adult version of someone who doesn't trust you to cross the street without holding their hand. How deeply insulting.

I hope he steps into a giant pile of dog shit

And hits every red light for the rest of his life

And someone steals his teeth.

From my and my friends' experience (I'm a small woman myself) your height does matter to some extent, in the sense that the assaulter percieves you as weaker/less intimidating if you are short... but it's not a big factor and saying this to your gf is weird and disrespectful

The fact he thinks every male is a rapist makes me think something about him

Also, while SOME companies maybe are "okay" with work fraternization, the days of HR being "okay" with staff even flirting with each other at work sponsored events where alcohol is involved are long gone. HR isn't your friend, they are there to protect the company, but sometimes those purposes connect.

Oh FFS..... what the hell is wrong with people?? I hope he is disrespected right out of her life 😮‍💨

I cannot understand this dude at all lol. My partner travels pretty consistently for work and there are days when I might hear from her maybe twice? It’s no big deal because she’s fucking working living her life as an independent human. I don’t need to hear that she exists every 2 hours. I love and trust her. Fuck this guy

Same. I'm the one who travels more but bf does travel, too. So it's 1-2 contact points per day, just to let the other know one is alive and well. Of course, if the trip is longer than few days, then we do call/text more on some days but definitely not every day. We are able to exist peacefully without the other party being constantly available and in contact...

This is beyond. She was at work. His behavior could get her fired. I hope she stands up for herself and ditches this controlling douche.

I hope the new people in her life can point out the abusive behavior she may have gotten used to over time. Sometimes it takes hearing someone with no skin in the game telling you what the fuck to shock your senses back to right.

I think a lot of these kind of posts written by victims of obvious abuse (so not OOP) are written for this reason: they’re not always fake it’s just like you said that sometimes people need others outside of their relationship to confirm the feelings they’re having about things not being normal or ok.

I seriously wish there were more groups like relationship advice back when I was younger. Sooooo many things I mightve been able to avoid if I had a bunch of internet strangers to tell me WTF because no one in my real life did 😔

Right? Same here. Altho everyone in my life at the time did try to say something but I just didn’t believe them. You can convince yourself theres all kinds of reasons why the people that know you just don’t *really* understand situations but it seems like that would be way harder to do when even strangers with nothing to gain are telling you shits fcked up.

Yeah, people are weirded out by someone not realising how absolutely boinkers their situation is and so take that as a troll. When in reality, it's just that if you have been living that situation for years on end, of course you think that is what normal is. Not to mention often these are people who GREW UP in abusive/unhealthy households and thus they have very poor understanding of what is healthy and unhealthy, due to no fault of their own.

I hope her coworkers counsel her that his behavior is not healthy and not normal, and very controlling. If I were one of her roommates I’d be telling her I was concerned for her safety with that guy.

I’d like to think the call with them giggling in the background was due to them telling her he was ridiculous.

Stop being so disrespectful of OP!

I vanish for work trips four times a year.... Girls trips two times a year.... My husband texts good morning and good night and dog pics. Like this guy is just too damn much, I'd walk up on return. Like nope you are not controlling my work trips and being this needy all the damn time.

Same. We call if we’re both awake and free when one of us is headed to bed, but otherwise? Go have fun, love ya.

Yeah like my girlfriend has had entire work trips without a second to breathe so we don’t even manage to squeeze in a phone call. That’s life though lol. I love and trust her. We catch up when we can!

I only got through a third of the post and \*I\* want to break up with this insecure, controlling asshole.

Oh me too. And take his gf with me and make her realize he sucks.

The way she brushes him off, I'm pretty sure she realizes he sucks

The big long sigh I let out after reading this. Something tells me he can get even worse then this and the gf needs to leave him ASAP.

he will 100% get worse if she doesn't leave now like while she is gone so he has 24 hours to cool off before she's in the same city

I mean I want to run away from This man just from reading one post. The obsessive tracking

I was exhausted just reading it. I can't imagine having to actually engage with this man.

I felt smothered just reading this guy is seriously intense

I read some of his other comments, his girlfriend really doesn't get a break from him. He calls her every evening for 3 or 4 hours plus a morning call and stops by her office one day a week for lunch.

What in the unholy fuck. I've been to my husband's job MAYBE five times in 2 years. A couple times he forgot his keys, once to drop some Tylenol and a couple times to switch rigs. I can't imagine being so goddamn needy as to be...like this My husband and I used to talk for several hours every night...BEFORE WE LIVED TOGETHER

Same. My wife and i will have lunch occasionally, but that's only during the summer holidays when schools are closed *and* she happens to be planning on doing something near my office that day anyways. It's never anything regular, more of a nice treat than anything else.

I think if you have both agreed it would be fine but reading his comments I couldn't see unless she was sleeping when she got time to herself.

reminds me of my ex when we were long distance. i always thought there can be nothing cuter than every day waking up to a “good morning” text, but after a while of that, combined with constantly needing to update him and every day *having* to sit on the phone with him for multiple hours it started to nauseate me. like genuinely at some point I realized that seeing his name on my screen every single time I wake up makes me absolutely dread the day. we didn’t last much longer.

My ex would text me, and if I didn't reply within 5 minutes he'd call, and if I didn't answer he'd get angry. Hearing my phone go used to make me tense up instantly.

The TL;DR got me. Run, Sister, RUN! And change your phone number + lockdown your social media. And stop posting anything that even suggests your location -even if it's just the city you're in.

He sounds like my ex, and he will escalate. I hope she isn't manipulated into apologising to him, and instead tells him to fuck off.

Totally... Next step is demanding she wears an air tag neckless whith his name and phone number on. Then she'll forget it on the nightstand and out of respect, of course, he'll demand she's microchipped and tattoed in the ear. Then... And she'll have to comply because it will be to prove her love and respect. If she says no, he'll have the team building trip precedent to guilt trip her.

was with a guy like this. he ended up assaulting me. girl fucking RUN

You sure need help, buddy. Not with crafting an ultimatum, but yeah.

Men: Women should be more trusting and choose MAN!! Also men: I don't want my girlfriend hanging around strange men. What if they do something to her? Men are lustful creatures and can't help themselves, especially when alcohol is involved! Pick a fucking side.

Guy: posts this Also guy: why women pick bear 😭

How many times is this asshat going to say he was disrespected? Jfc I dint think he knows what that actually means.

That seems to be a common obsession with abusers and toxic masculinity in general. They’re always obsessed with everyone else “respecting” them but also then never actually respect anyone else. OOP seems like hes hypersensitive and constantly on the lookout for some personal slight to blow up about.

If you "respect" them by treating them like an all powerful authority figure, they *might* "respect" you by treating you like a human being.

No, no they won't. They'll just keep moving the goal post so you never quite get there. Otherwise you might get comfortable and not walk on eggshells. The disrespect!

But also this idea that she is a helpless victim ready to be snapped up by a big bad man without his constant correcting of her behavior.

I've been with several guys like this and you're absolutely right. Anything other than smiling, emphatic, submissive agreement with everything they say and do is DiSrEsPeCt. Those who demand respect the most deserve it the least!

My first thought when he was banging on about respect was 'How much respect did he show for her?' Someone in that relationship was being disrespectful but it wasn't her. 

This is why I am really starting to hate cell phones. People like oop think that just because someone has a phone on them all the time that that means that they should be able to be contacted all the time. He thinks that girlfriend should always stop what she’s doing to reply to him. He thinks it’s rude to ignore calls or texts, when I think it’s rude to constantly be answering calls and texts when you are hanging out with someone. also,, oop is controlling af. He says after the 4pm update that gf was doing a bad job at updating him, but it sound like from 5 am to 3 pm she was on the bus and she updated him when they stopped for lunch, how much else was there to update? Then she told him when she checked in and when she was going out. And that was doing a bad job?! Gf is on a trip and doesn’t want to constantly be checking her phone, but he seems to think she has to tell him what she is doing and where she is like every hour. She’s an adult, she doesn’t need to be checking in every hour like she is his child.

>This is why I am really starting to hate cell phones. People like oop think that just because someone has a phone on them all the time that that means that they should be able to be contacted all the time. I second this motion. All in favor say 1987.

My children don’t check on every hour. They never did. Because I’m their mom, not their warden.

I think he wanted an update every hour, absolutely insane

I feel like this is one of those stories where most of the men who read it are going to react with “this is obviously fake” and most of the women who read it are going to react with “I’ve known this man. I may have even dated this man for a short, highly regrettable time”. 

Unfortunately I’m one of the ones who have dated (a slightly milder form of) this man. For a while I thought he had chilled out on the insecurities and it turned out he had actually secretly been reading my messages then interrogating the other parties about anything he found “suspicious” while telling them not to say anything to me 🙃 

I have dated several of these men 😑

I have not dated this man, but maybe he’s my cousin? I’m married, and when we travel independently, which we do fairly often for work or fun, we sometimes don’t contact each other at all for 24-36 hours. It’s really common when we’re in town to not know when asked where our partner is and he’s regularly like the 15th name in my text message log.  One night out, my cousin told me he wished his relationship was as low-contact as my marriage. I very bluntly told him “no you don’t.” He’s not quite as unhinged as the OP, but at the time, he preferred an “in contact 24/7” relationship style and could be jealous and possessive. The women he dated were often also jealous and possessive. He would’ve been miserable not hearing from his gf for several hours, let alone a day or more, and he and his partners often tracked each other’s locations with their phones. I’m happy to say he’s matured out of most of this stuff. 

> To start, I love my girlfriend No boy, I don't think you do. I like OOP may love having a pretty doll, but he clearly doesn't recognise and respect her as her own person.

He posted this after her being away for TWELVE HOURS. I found all of this so bloody exhausting. Hopefully the girlfriend did, too.

Copied verbatim from oop's comments, and other posts: [Not in reply to anyone.] >"To be clear, it might seem this way in the story, but no she isn't cheating and I'm 100% sure about this. I don't wanna have to explain how I know, but I'm 100% sure. The disrespect is the main issue of the case" *She needs to leave you. You are a controlling AH. You admit to having zero reason to think she is cheating. She is not being rude to her coworkers by not getting into a text conversation with you. What is rude is reaching for your phone every time it dings when you are being social with people in front of you.* *My wife has been going on work trip once or twice a year for a decade now. For 3-4 days tops. If I acted the way you are, I would be the one disrespecting her.* >"It's not the cheating that's the problem. It's her lack of respect for what we talked about. I always update her when I go out with my friends cus it takes 5 seconds to do. >Plus, why the hell would she promise me for updates then? She could always say "oh i don't think i will be using my phone tonight. I will let you know how it goes tomorrow though!" >Also, that's you and your wife. My girlfriend and I talked about this before and I thought we had a similar understanding. She holds the same expectations from me, so why would it be bad if I do the same? Is it really rude to go the bathroom once every 2 hours to text me (if she doesn't like doing it in front of them?) >I'm all for criticism, but no I don't see how I'm an asshole" *Man I hate how technology has made people feel ENTITLED to others. Honestly from a woman’s perspective I would have left you a long time ago. You are far way too controlling. It’s healthy and normal to not be glued to your phone. You are not entitled to have her reach out so often especially if she’s with others. If I were her coworkers and saw her messaging you that often quite frankly I would’ve found that rude. Is she there to be with them or there to continue to “update” you? There no reason for her to have to respond and talk to you at all while away. Get a grip dude.* [🐙] >"Well then, if I'm the asshole in the case, then I'll change my ways. But I will also stop updating her when I go out with my friends out of spite" *Man you’re really saying the quiet part out loud all over these comments. It’s perfectly okay to struggle with anxiety during periods of separation but it’s not cool to project that anxiety, manipulate, or coerce your partner to change their behavior to assuage your fragile masculinity.* *It’s one thing to be upset if your partner hasn’t touched base with you during a period apart and then there’s… whatever this is. The people pointing out your abusive inclinations are totally correct, especially with your statement that you will now punish her for the backlash you’ve gotten by not updating her on your nights away “out of spite”.* *It must be really exhausting navigating life while treating every mundane instance that arises as some respect competition. You should consider changing your perspective.* >"I mean, these comments did open my eyes that I'm not normal lol >Would it be advisable to end the relationship like some have suggested? Am i really hurting her without me realizing? I mean \*\*in my head\*\* i really thought she and I had the same understanding cus she would also call me in my night outs. I never saw these perspectives before, and I'm scared of myself now lol i didn't know i was unknowingly this manipulative monster >Answer this as if youre in my shoes. What would you do?" [In reply to Oop's comment marked: 🐙] *People in mature, adult relationships do not do things to spite each other.* *It doesn't sound like you are right for each other. No judgement to either of you. She seems to prioritize the people she is with in the moment, while you believe that a message should be responded to asap.* *There is no right answer there, no one true Correct way of behaving. If she can't change your mind into being more patient for responses, then you can't expect her to change her ways to respond to your level of preference.* >"Yeah i see that. I really wanna work it out, but i feel like she's unhappy with me now lol. I might end things for her own good >These comments kinda opened my eyes that im not normal... and what my girl was doing is the normal thing to do >(tho i still dont agree with some of these points cus i feel the double standards... its ok for her to call me in my night outs, but when i do it then im too clingy. other than that tho, i admit im wrong.) >What would u advise me to do if u were in my shoes? I wanna work things out with her obviously, but i also dont know if maybe i actually did hurt her a lot like these comments say. Do you think it's fixable or nah"

“I might end things for her own good” oh this dude has 100% already been dumped, lmao. This is pure cope. Good. 

Nahhh I think it’s probably a manipulative ploy for more sympathy. If he does this, he’s hoping the girl will panic and blame herself and grovel, begging him to take her back. Which sadly does have a chance of working :/ I hope she has the self-confidence to get out of this situation.

Agreed.

>[I (23M) love my girlfriend (24F), but she doesn't make me feel secure. How do I communicate this issue properly?](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/GBmbptRj3y) (A LOT MORE CONTEXT IN THE DESCRIPTION) >A lot of context is required because this is a special case, but I will try to make it as concise as possible to save you the trouble of reading walls of texts lol: >* She and I met in our final year of university. We have been together for a bit over 8 months now. >* She is Chinese, and I am Filipino. In the Philippines, there is an infamous term called ["The Great Wall"](https://www.vice.com/en/article/v7bd9y/dating-philippines-filipino-chinese-great-wall-mixed-race#:~:text=It%E2%80%99s%20an%20allusion,and%20cultural%20background) wherein Chinese parents would prohibit their children from dating anyone outside their race... and well, her parents follow this rule. >* I come from a respectable family, so money/influence is not an issue. It really is all about the race. >* The only time we could ever go out on dates is when she either sneaks out, or when we bring our mutual friends with us. >* Back in December 2023, she broke up with me when her parents found out about us. What was supposed to be a Christmas date turned into a long crying session. She kept apologizing and said that she doesn't have the strength and courage to fight for me. I told her that it's okay, we'll still be friends, and none of it is her fault. >* On January 2024, she and I got back together. We made a plan on how we'll stay together for good and that we won't ever give up on each other. We eventually concluded that I should finish law school (I went to law school after university), and that she should work for a few years to show her parents that she can make her own choices independently. >* Her parents keep urging her to start her love life as she is getting older but never even had a boyfriend yet. >* She told me that she has to go on dates to show her parents that she tried dating Chinese men, but don't click with any of them. She told me that she has to do this so she can finally introduce me as her boyfriend. Obviously, I told her this was a bad idea... but I had to compromise. I told her okay, but only with the following conditions: >1. Never accept an invitation for a second date with the same person >2. Avoid physical contact as much as possible (act awkward and "forced to be polite" when the guy tries to hug her as a greeting) >3. I get to see and control what she says through texts with the guys she goes out with >4. Most importantly-- wear the ring that I gave her >* She agreed, and said sorry again that we have to go through this. You might be wondering how she's making me feel insecure about our relationship, right? Hold on. >* A few weeks ago, I urged her to come to my birthday party. It was just my best friends and family there, so none of our mutual friends were there. She was dropped off and picked up by her father. However, the day after my birthday, her mom suspected that she and I are dating. She then went ballistic on my girlfriend saying that she would never accept a Filipino guy. This is NOT the first time that this happened, and my girlfriend gets close to giving up every time she gets into an argument with her parents about me. To be clear, she tells her parents that she has a crush on me and that I'm oblivious to this fact... so, they don't know we're in a relationship at all. >* A few days later, during one of our late night calls, I brought up the topic of her dating other people again. She cried and told me that she's scared to start doing that. I asked her why. She said that she doesn't trust herself to not fall in love with the guys she will meet. I asked her why. She said that everything about our relationship has been so hard, and that she just wants to make her parents happy. She said that she gets suicidal thoughts whever her parents get mad at her, so she really can't help but think of taking the easy way out (dating Chinese) >* Obviously, I felt crushed. I asked her that she is free to give up anytime, but she has to tell me because I don't wanna waste all my effort on something that won't last. I reassured her that I won't give up (I'm even learning her language to impress her parents one day), but I only won't give up if she never gives up. She said she can't promise anything, apologized, and ended the call. >* A few days after that, we went on a date, made love, and had a deep conversation right after. She once again PROMISED that she won't ever give up on me. But at this point, I am just very confused whether she means it or not. >* Oh I forgot to mention, there's this game on Facebook Messenger that we always play called "The Test." She would always pick questions and answers that make me feel insecure about our relationship. I tried telling her about it, she says she understands, then does it again anyway. For instance, there was a question about whether or not she will kiss a guy in a game of truth or dare. She said yes cus it's a dare. I freaked out on her a bit, and she said "come on, it's only a kiss on the cheek." I told her "then I'll dare a girl to kiss me on the cheek and let's see how YOU like it." She started crying and made me feel guilty for reacting that way haha... anyway, bottomline is, some of her hypothetical scenarios are fucking suspicious. I already explained that we're in a hidden/secret relationship, so it's normal for me to feel insecure and the least she can do is to stop making me feel paranoid all the time. >I know her though. She is very loyal. I am her first everything (she didn't even know how to kiss when we first got together.) It just sucks that she likes making me feel insecure as a joke cus she finds me "cute when I'm jealous." Listen guys, breaking up is NOT an option. She's just a bit immature, but I really do see my future with her. I just wanna fix this part of our relationship. Please help me think of a way to feel secure in the relationship without looking too needy and weak. I don't think my heart can take it anymore... *i hate to say this but i don’t think you both have future together. She have to choose, It’s either you or her family, and it’s clear she can’t choose you* 🫤 >"I don't wanna give up on her. We're perfect for one another... I just need her parents to set aside their racial biases just this once. We won't breakup until I actually meet her parents formally... it is only then that i can say that I tried my best" [My (23M) girlfriend (24F) doesn't get turned on with my touches when we're fully clothed. How exactly do women want their SOs to touch them (sexually) with their clothes on?](https://www.reddit.com/r/askwomenadvice/s/dgAY5pILWc) *I want my SO to ask me instead of going on internet.* >"I did mention in the post that I asked her how I can improve, but she replied that she doesn't know how I could be better and that I should just take full charge. >Like yeah I'm all for taking charge, but I'm out of ideas. That's why I asked here to get new perspectives" Edited: formatting.

This is an absolute mess. I thought they had at least been together for years the way he was talking. They haven’t even been together a year and he’s already this controlling?

And he was hounding her about this trip for *months* before. Has he spent most of their relationship obsessing over this?

Agreed.

Yeah, this dude is scary intense.

Definitely. But I'll give him 1 point that he *does* seem to be taking all the feedback in and is starting to realize that his behavior is unacceptable. There is a sliver of hope there that he might grow from this experience and treat the next woman better. *fingers crosser*

I'll go with a half, but he's throwing around excuses too, someone mentioned NPD (which he can't just change) and he's decided he must be anxious and have anxious attachment, throwing around words he doesn't understand and that's not even addressing that he calls her in the morning because he doesn't even think she's big girl enough to wake up to her alarm. No mention of therapy though, no actual plan to improve other than she doesn't have to follow the rules anymore. Even in his updates he is convinced she can't function without him monitoring things and knowing what's going on at all time, he wakes her up, has to be the last before she falls asleep (which fine, pretty normal to say goodnight if it was the only thing), he doesn't worry about her at lunchtime because they have only shared friends and she doesn't have friends he doesn't know, and when she IS out if she won't answer he will just contact whoever she is supposed to be with which he can do because they're all his friends. He's probably got her watch synced to his phone so it reports how often she coughs or rolls over at night. He's not accepting or considering that she's actually a fully grown adult who exists on her own.

it honestly feels like he’s holding on in part to prove something. this doesn’t seem like a happy, healthy relationship at all, but he wants to prove that he can be good enough to be chosen over her parents, and that’s making him ignore that they could just break up for both of their sakes.

>"**FINAL COMMENT/REPLY FROM OP FOR NOW:** >I have read every single one of your comments. It's quite harsh. But I am thankful because I see now that I am in the wrong. I will stop replying for now because the comments get too repetitive, and it's not benefitting me anymore. >So far, I've only sent my girlfriend a short apology message on Facebook. I told her that she can choose to reply anytime she wants and it doesn't have to be today (or ever!) I also asked for forgiveness moving forward. >Anyway, thank you again to everyone who commented. It really opened my eyes because I have never really researched/heard of these stuff before-- *anxious attachment, narcisistic disorder, etc*... **BUT I have to say**, some of you are also too cruel. This is the first time that this happened in our relationship. She and I have been together for quite some time now, and we've been friends for even longer... during those times (inclduing our time as friends), we've only been into like 5 arguments or less. And only 2 of those were major arguments (including this one). The fact that some of you suggest that she and I should breakup over tonight's incident really shows the lack of empathy. I don't care if you don't believe me, I just need my girl to believe in me that I will change for her. I take back all my comments about breaking up with her. I'll wait til she responds first and hope that she forgives me for this. (If not, then it's done) >Seriously, i really think you guys are underestimating just talking things down. >Anyway, she hasn't opened my message yet, and I don't expect any replies anytime soon. But i'll update this comment if the relationship ends/continues (and our plans moving forward). And that would be my final final comment"

He's also posted the "resolution"! OOP: Final final update about this before I delete: - She called me just a few mins ago - She told me to listen to her before I start talking - She basically pointed out that she was very offended of my behavior last night cus that’s very unusual coming from me - She said that because of my actions, she lowkey feels like I might be hiding other bad behaviors like this and it’s just showing up now. I was gonna butt in but— - Before I even got the chance to say my first words of apology, she told me that I have to fix this attitude issue. - I said sorry, and I literally *promised* her that I will change - She said she was disappointed but she knows I’ll keep my promise because I don’t use that word lightly. She told me that she still loves me but shes just very disappointed because I was supposed to be more mature than this - I spent the next few minutes describing how sorry I am and my plans moving forward (i told her to forget all the so-called rules that we imposed, and that we dont have to always be in contact 24/7) - While talking about what changes I will make, she hears the new vocabulary ive heard in this reddit post that i used to describe my bad behaviors that i plan to get rid off (manipulative, narcisist disorder, and anxious attachment) - She started giggling and asked where I even heard those terms - I said I asked reddit about our situation - To my surprise, she kinda flipped out on me because according to her, it showed her that im more willing to hear other people’s opinions rather than talking things out with her and waiting til we can call again - I asked for forgiveness again saying I just wanted answers - She told me to read to what else i learnt in the comments (so i read the top ones) - She stopped me in the middle of reading and told me that she doesn’t plan to breakup over this and that it’s ridiculous that I would believe you guys over her - She told me to delete the post for my own sake. - I told her ill do it after lunchtime. Then I asked her how I can make it up to her - She told me that it’s something that I have to figure out myself AND she reminded me that we have a lunch date on thursday (its monday rn) I am gonna delete this post in a bit, but I just wanted to make a final final update. Thanks for all the comments, Ive learned a lot. I will make her happy with my newlyfound knowledge and become a changed man for the better. Peace Commenter: What did you actually learn from this situation? Name two things. OOP: *From this situation? Ive learned that my girlfriend is scary when shes disappointed at me. We have never dealt with this before, and I was honestly shocked how sharp her words got. Ive also learned to accept these criticisms about me when Im clearly in the wrong. I took note of every change she wanted to see in me (i asked) From Reddit? 1) Manipulation- Damn, im unknowingly quite manipulative even when i try to fix stuff. Ive learned that sometimes its better to just shut up and ask what the other person wants instead of trying to solve everything myself and assume things. i did this and she told me stories and instances of my past behavior that she loved and instances that she didnt like 2) Controlling behavior = lack of trust My gf also said this, but i learned both from her and from the comments that needing to be checked up on this constantly is an indication of lack of trust. My gf asked me what she has ever done for me to not trust her, and I honestly couldnt answer anything cus i know its not right* Commenter: It’s really great that you took constructive feedback to heart and are trying to work on yourself and your relationship. Good luck to you and your lady OOP: *thank you! she picked out a restaurant for us to try on thursday and told me to just act normally when i see her instead of being this apologetic in person but tbh i feel incredibly guilty rn, idk if its possible for me to pretend like this never happened… I will prolly buy her gifts to compensate (this is the only way i know how to show my sincerety) i just feel this huge relief rn that shes trying to minimize the issue even tho i know its a big deal. it means i shouldnt screw up this chance to prove myself*

Thank you very kindly, good catch!

It's my honor! Sorry for the poor formatting, btw. I'm on mobile, so formatting is a nightmare, and I wasn't sure when he was gonna delete everything so didn't wanna risk waiting for someone else to grab it.

💜🥰 No no, it's all good! Formatting is real difficult on mobile, and it's better to get it in time.

He's posted a "final update for now" which is all about how ge has to convince the gf to forgive him and accept that he will change. Still clueless. https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/I16vpjZ8aK

Thank you very kindly! 🥰 Copied it to add to the compilation.

You're welcome!

[Chevrotain! a mouse-deer.](https://imgur.com/gallery/dEhHE4V)

I jist came from commenting on that post and holy shit, I had missed thos comment of his somehow. Dude is completely unhinged and she needs to get away from him asap!

Quite!

Oof. Anxiety is a bitch. It hurts to see my bad behavior reflected back at me. It feels good to know I'm no longer the person I was.  I hope OOP can grow from the person that they are. 

Hey, congrats on making the change and doing the self work needed. That's *awesome*.

Thank you! That really means a lot! 

"The disrespect is too much but I am willing to give her another chance" What in the Jesus Smothering Christ bullshit is this? He's willing to give HER another chance? Nah, fuck this guy. She deserves better.

This line is the reason I feel like she’s dumped him already and this post is a massive cope/attempt to rationalise and regain control in the midst of a spiral. In his mind, she’s going to come crawling back and he *might* be so kind as to give her another chance as long as she “behaves” more to his liking. Somehow I don’t think that’s going to happen. I *hope* it doesn’t happen, at least. 

I hate him.

he’s like she’s doing a bad job at keeping him updated and i’m like she’s updating him 300% more frequently than you’d expect someone to text their spouse from a work trip

This is why we choose the bear

Especially because bears can’t use cell phones!

Seems like respect is a one way street for this guy. Also, as someone who hasn’t been in a relationship, this makes me lose faith in men entirely.

>it has been almost 8hrs since her last message Run away, girl! Run far, run fast. Take your stuff and steal away in the middle of the night. Get a restraining order in advance.

Could you imagine being with somebody who didn't trust you to exist as an adult in the world without their constant supervision?

Yes, yes I can. My ex was very much like this. Hey OOP, here's a little lesson for you: when my ex used to blow up my phone demanding my constant attention when I was with friends, those friends asked me why I was so stressed out and pointed out I didn't deserve that controlling bullshit. People know toxic behavior when they see it, and they care enough to help people they care about escape it.

So how many of us basically dated this disrespectful control douche? I think I dated him three different times in my younger years. She handled it well though. Hopefully the next update is amitheex

I did! But you see, it was just because he loved me so much he couldn't contain his jealousy. I should have understood that it was proof "no one can love you like I do" I'm such a silly ungrateful woman.

I may have for a week once, I think we all have at some point, but apparently I am not controllable so they just freak out at me and me leave. Now I know how dangerous they really are I may be easier to for a while, I lost some of fight to fear, so I just don't date.

This guy probably sends hateful texts about her not answering him and being "disrespectful". I don't think he's being entirely honest with his behavior

[удалено]

This is only a stranger on the internet’s opinion of course, but you sound like you’re doing fine to me tbh. You’ve recognised your clingy tendencies and put precautions in place to ensure they don’t turn toxic or controlling. It’s normal to want your partner to text you once a day when they’re halfway across the world. You’re just making sure they’re safe at that point, not demanding their attention. It’s okay that you’re finding it hard, what’s not okay is lashing out at your partner and demanding they plan their schedule around you and your mood, which is what OOP is doing, but it doesn’t sound like you’re doing that at all. Clingyness isn’t an inherently bad thing as long as it doesn’t cross the line into controlling or codependent behaviour. Don’t beat yourself up. They’ll be back soon and you’ll both be okay. 

Knowing you can be a bit clingy and addressing it is far, far different from being controlling and abusive. It might help to create a folder in your photos and keep the silly memes or funny jokes and spread them out sending one or two a day when she's back. It helps you feel like you're still sharing them even if it is delayed, and sometimes they're just really funny. When you care about somoene 3 weeks can feel like a lot, it's normal to miss them, and you're being considerate of their time. It's good that you care enough about them to make the effort, we all have our anxieties or worries and there isn't anything wrong with admitting it's hard sometimes, close friends and online groups can be great for that. I am a fairly high maintenance friend with my anxiety so I understand how comforting it can be to have your favorite people just a text away all the time, and to suddenly not have it for a while, I created a network of a few close friends so I can spread out my neediness. Isolation increases my anxiety so much I text a few people every day just to remember there's other lives out there.

if they got married I'm sure within a year it would be "why does my wife want to go outside? I put everything she needs in her terrarium". I hope she leaves him and he gets some fucking help.

*insecure control freak freaks out on GF, now wants help to gaslight her into believing it was all done in love… and entirely her fault.

I see you're familiar with my ex's standard operating procedure 🫠

He should break up with her for this "disrespect" and keep this rule up for every person, just break up when he's disrespected, just so he does everyone a favor and leaves the world alone.

Gah, I already want to repeatedly punch this fragile, controlling, douche nozzle in the head. I'm surprised she's still with him and not frantically chewing her own arm off to get away from the trap she's in with him. But I have the feeling his behaviour has fucked with her job/financial stability in the past so it's actually not surprising she hasn't been able to run yet

Wow! This is not the first time they asked for relationship advice and yikes!  More info about the relationship [here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/2zv5YSCGhP)

He has deleted

Ugh! His girlfriend is Chinese and he is Filipino, so there is a lot of tension in the relationship, because of her parents. They met in their senior year of college and have been dating for 8 months. There is a lot of drama, because she has to date Chinese men to appease her parents for now. He agrees to this, but also has several demands (like he does in this post), like she cannot greet them with a hug, no second dates and he must see all text communications. The girlfriend is very young and conflicted, which I think is coming from controlling parents and boyfriend! They both want to control her life. It's obvious that he is terrified she is going to meet someone who is not controlling and needy.

I'd nope so far and fast his head would spin

Yeah, I cannot believe I remembered all of that, but there was so much more!

You are the hero now. This guy is a piece of work for sure

"Unbiased" "factual" lol. This guy sounds controlling to the point that I'm worried for his hopefully stbx

>She has always had this bad habit to ignore texts and calls. For instance, when we went out as friends years ago, I see her mom/dad/friends calling her and she chooses to ignore it everytime to focus on our activity. This behavior to me is very very rude. What? *What?* Did I step through the mirror?

Nightmare level insecurity. He should date an agoraphobic, but I’m sure even they wouldn’t live up to his standards.

The straights are not ok. I hope she sees what a controlling jerk he is, and breaks up with him as soon as she gets back. Gross

Istg I've read this before word for word

All I did was read this and there isn’t enough oxygen in here, can’t imagine living it. 

Oh look, it’s my ex 🙃

I bet this controlling, abusive asshole has a punchable face. I'm usually a non-violent person, but this dude needs to be punched.

What were those thoughts he messaged her I wonder? If she responded with just “why”

1. If you were in my shoes, what would you do? Easy. I would dump you. You sound toxic, pathetic and controlling.

One word: controlling. Another word: asshole. Since I’m on a roll, I’ll throw in a couple more for free: dump him.         Someone agreeing to stay in contact means a few texts over the day, when and if there’s time. This is a trip with colleagues, presumably in part for them to bond. That means deep conversations, maybe drinking, certainly being able to give one another your uninterrupted attention. Being on your phone while someone is talking to you is *actually* rude.      At times he’s worrying because he hasn’t heard from her *in two hours* - two hours! That’s barely enough time to even have anything to update him on.      Also, the complete lack of trust of every male kind of speaks volumes. Who is the untrustworthy one? Nevermind telling HER you don’t trust her. Oh, she’d be easy to take advantage of if she was drunk, huh? You wouldn’t happen to have ever tried that with her before, to know that, right?       Sounds like the reason he’s actually worried is because this is her first job, she’s stepping out into the world, and maybe she’s going to get close to people and realise his behaviour isn’t normal, and she deserves better. Fingers crossed he’s right on that one. 

All his condescending "I reminded her..." bs is so patronizing. She isn't a little child he is rasing. I went to a concert one night with a friend and she spent the majority of the concert and dinner texting back and forth with her boyfriend. It was so annoying andI kept wondering why she chose to take me to it instead of him. It was constant. Pretty insulting and rude.

Wow, what a red flag.

This dude is TOXIC 😑

I irritatate the crap out of my mother because I only respond to messages that I think warrant a response. My brother does it too, and it drives his wife crazy. It would take me less than a day to mentally destroy this guy

Updated messaging means not only do I not respond if I don't see need for an answer, but I know they see the little blue checkmark that means I read it so I don't even feel that I have to confirm it was recevied. For some reason it makes people think I'm mad, but if there is no question, and it's just information, then what is the necessary response anyway?

I dated a guy like this and this post literally just brought up so many bad fucking memories. Like I got myself so agitated over it that I’m hunched over my tablet right now. I hope she dumps this asshole.

Is she dating my mom?

Yikes on bikes I briefly dated a guy who wanted me to constantly text with him, even when I was at work. I told him I couldn't always text at work and he texted that if I have time to go to the restroom, I have time to text him. So I had a coworker take a pic of his next dump and send it to me so I sent it to the guy claiming as my own, telling him he wanted me to text in the bathroom......

I knew a guy just like this. We never even dated and he ended up stalking me.

This guy needs anxiety meds and this gal needs a different guy.

You know, I don't think I've heard the words, "He/she/they disrespected me," from anyone who isn't controlling. Most people would say something about feeling worried or hoping she's having a good trip. Then again, most people would realize that if your SO is traveling and expected to participate in group activities, they aren't going to be texting you every five minutes. A couple of times a day would be plenty.

I admit I used to be very annoying about texting due to personal insecurities and such but I realized I was being a toxic ah to everyone imcluding myself so I worked on fixing it Hes waaay beyond that, and I hope she leaves

Does he realize he’s her boyfriend and not her father 😭

Ah, another dude who claims to love but seems not to like his partner

*Ah, another dude* *Who claims to love but seems not* *To like his partner* \- greggery --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")

I respond to texts from people cause my mom and sister think im dead in a ditch if I dont. Also for me it takes like 5 seconds, its no biggie. I know not everyone is like that nor do I IMPOSE that on them like this jerk wad.

This dude describes really controlling and unreasonable behavior, and I wish we didn't see so much behavior like that on reddit. But I have to also say that his comments show a progression that is kinda hopefully positive. It's really rare to see someone start off so positive they're right and that their behavior isn't ACTUALLY a red flag factory, but shift to saying holy shit, actually y'all kind of have a point, I need to work on myself and get some therapy, and I feel like that should be recognized when it happens. I sure hope he means it and follows through.

I'm wondering if he's trying to sabotage her work event

Hot damn was that an amazingly painful diatribe of a control freak.

I really thought this was a troll until I spent far too long reading OP's replies.

Is this the 'my balls hurt' guy again?

She should most certainly break up with him immediately. There's no way he's worth all that trouble.

What a controlling asshole. I'm surprised he didn't bug her phone.

>when we went out as friends years ago, I see her mom/dad/friends calling her and she chooses to ignore it everytime to focus on our activity. So, she's someone who prefers to be present in the moment? Yeah, what a horrible person.

OMG !!!!!🥶🥶🥶😱😱😱😱!!! He's a F freak !!! The level of control, of paranoïa, of jealousy !!! How did she manage to think it was love and thought it was "cute"??? I can't wrap my mind around it. Even in my bad-choices-stupid 20's I'd never have accepted that level of control ! And the timeline ??? He thinks 1hr gap between 2 messages at a work event is disrespect ? Sergeant Hartmann from Full Metal Jacket is a nice but a little bit edgy guy compared to this one !!!

I am surprised he hasn’t microchipped her

I have an ex like him. I hope she left him once she returned from her trip.

When he issues his ultimatum, and she says "okay, bye then," will he come on Reddit complaining about her not having this huge dramatic breakdown, and feeling disrespected?

I feel like he’s just a lazy stalker, expecting her to do all the work. That level of surveillance is insane.

In todays episode of my boyfriend picks out my outfits, threw away my makeup, and dictates who I can talk to, spend time with, where, and for how long, we have OP. Mr. disrespectful of all his soon-to-be ex-girlfriend's choices and autonomy... and thinks she's the disrespectful one.

I sooooo hope that she keeps the job and get enough money to be financially independant and leave this possessive and controling POS safely ASAP. EDIT: I went through OOP's comments and edits and wow... Reminds me of that time my abusive (now ex) bf learned psychology terms 101 and how to use them to manipulate your victims. I'm actually even more worried for her safety than I was before.

Sometimes people use “respect” to mean “treating someone like a person” and sometimes they use “respect” to mean “treating someone like an authority” And sometimes people who are used to being treated like an authority say “if you won’t respect me I won’t respect you” and they mean “if you won’t treat me like an authority I won’t treat you like a person” AND THAT'S THIS GUY!

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What a fucking loon. As soon as I stop laughing at him (not with), I will then advise that he be let loose and given his walking papers because he's got a screw loose and is dangerous.

I could not handle this at all....

Shout out to anyone who got through that. He needs a hobby. Quit monitoring your gf's moves!

I understand some of his concerns (his advice is good, don't get drunk in front of coworkers and keep an eye on your drink, it's very fair). But dear lord, she was keeping him updated, but the guy wants a text every hour???? Insane. Also, treating he like a child telling her that she should go to sleep? She is a grown woman??? Guy is wrapped up in his own paranoia and it's such a control freak.

This guy is extremely insecure and controlling. The red flags are blaring that he is going to be abusive in the future and is already starting. If anyone is being "disrespectful"(UGH), it's him. My husband has been in the military 25 years, deployed four times and all over the places for classes, training, etc. They will contact you when they can, messaging, calling, harassing is only going to make them nuts and resent you. She can do better than his preachy, whiny, demanding ass