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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) told older sister her new boyfriend can't come to the wedsing
2) the original invite did include another spot for someone
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NTA for not wanting the new boyfriend to come to the wedding. You can invite who you want and shouldn't feel obliged to give plus ones. It's nice to give a plus one where the boyfriend or girlfriend has been around for a while, you know them etc. But it's your choice.
But, Y T A for making his younger sister tell the oldest sister. Why didn't you both stand up and tell her yourselves? It isn't fair to put younger sister in that position.
Your wedding, your choice, your message to deliver.
Edit: comment made before OP's edit. I do have more sympathy if older sister is refusing contact.
>But, YTA for making his younger sister tell the oldest sister. Why didn't you both stand up and tell her yourselves? It isn't fair to put younger sister in that position.
The edit implies that OP and her groom didn't know that his older sister even had a boyfriend let alone was bringing him to the wedding until younger sister told them. In that context it makes sense to respond with "tell her that's not gonna happen" especially since older sister isn't answering their calls.
Ah okay thanks, I commented pre-edit. I have a bit more sympathy on that part in that case (and still maintain the NTA for your wedding, your choice on invites). It's a bit "he said she said" but I can understand how the situation has panned out this way for sure.
NTA. It is perfectly appropriate to say that you are only doing +1s for serious long term relationships.
Also, in case anyone else is thinking about sending invites 6 months out, don't! You send "save the date" at that time. Invites go out 4-6 weeks before, by which time all the important people know the date already.
We did digital save the dates, same format and decorations as the invites, but instead of printing them out we sent them in PDF form (save the dates are not even really a thing in Italy, and we had guests from all over Europe and the North America so it would've been expensive to mail stuff twice, but they're useful so we thought it'd be a good compromise and everyone liked that we didn't waste extra paper!)
Lots of resources say that it’s perfectly fine to send invites out 6 months ahead, especially if people are traveling. When travel plans need to be made, save the dates go out 10-12 months in advance.
Most readers must have overlooked the part that they are NoT returning the grooms calls, what other choice does he have since he’s not even suppose to know about the new boy.
If sister is not answering her phone from the groom does sister not have social media? Text messaging? Email? If they're already going to make things awkward by starting this drama and not letting her have a plus one then they may as well follow it through and tell her to her face or virtually and not dump it on the younger sister to do. That's trashy
Eh I’d argue that OP is still NTA. It’s her fiancée’s family and the onus should be on HIM to sort this out. This doesn’t have to be her message to deliver.
Your SIL didn’t have a plus one. The family unit was invited. The husband was on the invitation. She had no intention of telling you about this boyfriend, and by the sounds of it, actively avoided any discussion by ignoring attempted contact. If she wanted him to be her date to the wedding, she should have spent this time setting up lunch or dinner dates with you And your fiancé, so that the two of you, and the rest of the family potentially, could grow comfortable with him.
They chose not to do that. If she is making zero efforts into helping for him to become welcome in this scenario, then of course he shouldn’t be invited. He was never invited. And honestly, she hasn’t asked, and apparently is just assuming she gets special treatment.
NTA
I agree with this. The family was invited, not the sister & whoever she happens to be dating/married to on the day of the wedding.
OP found out about the new boyfriend indirectly…
Exactly. The SIL isn’t even aware that OP knows he exists yet. And frankly, this sounds hella unstable. Her and her husband aren’t even divorced yet, yet this woman is planning on moving her and her kids in with this new boyfriend? I don’t think it’s even a good idea to introduce a boyfriend/girlfriend to your children this quickly.
I think the sister already knew her new boyfriend wouldn't be invited so was trying to avoid contact so OP and her fiance wouldn't find about until the wedding day.
There’s a fair chance of that.
I hate when people do this. I had three people show up at my wedding, because her parents and ex husband were invited, and for some reason she felt left out of it, I guess? Showed up with her daughter and her daughter’s friend. Then complained when there was no place for them to sit.
I’m sorry? You weren’t invited. Your daughter wasn’t invited. Her friend wasn’t invited. Everyone you know who was invited was there because we had a friendship with them. Of course we don’t have seating for people who weren’t on the invite list.
>We asked younger sister (best woman) to let OS know that new boy friend is not invited.
YTA
You're an ahole for being a coward and trying to make this someone else's job. Technically it's your fiance's sister so it should be his job and his alone to deliver. It's not the job of anyone else.
Invite or don't invite who you want but its no one else's job.
The OP has added an edit since you replied. Apparently the older sister hasn’t been answering any calls from her brother (the groom) so I can see why they asked the younger sister to tell the older sister.
That sounds like the OS knows already and how could she know unless she heard from the grapevine that the OP and her fiance were trash talking either her or her bf behind her back. Trash talking would be YTA-worthy.
Or there is a bigger issue not being discussed, like the groom taking her ex husband's side or possibly inviting her ex husband to the wedding.
I'm going to stay by the "YTA"
They didn’t even know she had a bf because she won’t answer the phone. They were told by younger sister in which case they asked her to relay the message that he wasn’t invited.
NTA.
Its your wedding, you get to decide who's on the guestlist and who gets a plus one. You two had a specific criteria for who gets a +1 and OS & her new bf don't fit that criteria.
NTA for not wanting a stranger at your wedding. But make the groom himself tell this to the sister. There's really no cause for drama here yet, just a missunderstanding.
NTA and I would do everything to make sure that OS knows about it. You can send a letter, email, text, leave a voicemail, send a letter registered delivery that requires a signature, and then start to ask other family members to find out why the hell OS is not responding to any forms of communication, and let them know that they do not have a +1, and anyone that shows up will be escorted off the premises.
Good luck OP and congrats for the upcoming wedding.
NTA, but I don't think talking to OS should have been outsourced.
Even though she hadn't told you she had split up with her husband and had a new dude, you knew it. She is a regular s**t show, and since she is going to be difficult, the most adult thing to do is to not put someone else in her line of fire. It is, after all, you're wedding.
NTA.
People need to stop thinking they are entitled to +1 unless they are paying for said +1.
If the couple knows your +1 and wants them there they’ll invite your +1. In they didn’t, don’t make that a crysis.
>unless they are paying for said +1.
Isn't this what happens? I'm confused. I mean, I'm 48, so I've been to my fair share of weddings, and I always wrote a check for the cost of all the meals I rsvp'd for (meaning sometimes for me, my husband and our kids, or sometimes just myself and my bf/husband depending on how long ago we're talking about) plus some extra because that's the right thing to do. But I'm 48, so I'm well past the age where I have tons of people in my life getting married. I've only been to three weddings in the last five years. Is that no longer what people do?
Wait you went to weddings you had to pay for the meals?!?
In my country the bride and groom pay for everyone’s food that’s why I said asking for +1(and insisting on it) is rude, because you are just forcing someone to pay for your +1 meal and it’s an expensive as hell meal.
I’ve never been to a wedding where people pay for their meals, usually I try to gift something of similar value to what I believe they paid for in my meal so it’s “fair”, but here we pay like 400-500 per meal and most of our gifts were 200 per couple/sometimes group.
So weddings tend to be just… expensive XD
Sorry, I guess I should have explained that better. We don't "pay for our meals" in the US either. But we generally give a gift of money that is more than what the B&G spent on our meals. And that would be everyone I RSVP'd for. So say the meals were $150/plate. If it was just me and my husband, I'd write a check for at least $350. If it was my, my husband and our two kids, I'd write a check for $750ish. So if you're invited to that wedding and not allowed to bring a +1, your gift would be $175. If you're a person and a +1, you should be giving the B&G $350.
Ah, got it.
Yes, I don’t think that’s the same exactly (thought definitely that is better than the what happened at my wedding), but I guess it depends on the kind of wedding you are having.
If it is a big place and people don’t have their seats assigned beforehand, nor had to cut other people whom they’ve known from the guest list (again, considering they don’t know your +1 or something similar to that) then I guess it’s not such an issue if you are giving a gift of similar value.
But if it is a mini wedding (less than 50 people) I’d feel bad for asking for a +1 for a person the bride and groom don’t even know (even if I gifted something of similar value) considering that they probably couldn’t fit everyone they likes in their guest list in the first place.
But, yes, gifting something of similar value makes it way better.
YTA.
I'm old school. I firmly believe that every adult invited to a wedding should be able to bring a guest. You're the host and as such you're responsible for ensuring your guests have a pleasant experience. Adults have a better time when they are allowed to share it with someone else.
edited for clarity
I dont think the plus one is the issue as much as the fact neither the bride, groom, or parents have met the new BF.
To me it is understandable to want to have met people who are attending one's wedding.
He could be obnoxious, rude, or get rowdy when drinking, all of which could adversely impact their wedding. He could also be a perfect gentleman but it is understandable to not want to take that risk.
Also since no one in the family has met him other than 1 sister, him attending the wedding would likely take attention away from the couple, due to family members wanting to meet & greet him.
Lastly, as expensive as weddings are, most couples want to be surrounded by people who know them & dont want to pay $75 a plate for people theyve never met
> Also since no one in the family has met him other than 1 sister, him attending the wedding would likely take attention away from the couple..
This is without a doubt the most ridiculous reason I've heard yet. Should people just not do anything at a wedding, because it could possibly take away attention from the couple getting married? You'd have to be incredibly insecure with your relationship to everyone invited for this to actually be a problem.
Weddings are for celebration and typically include dancing. Having a plus one means you have someone to dance with, to talk to when everyone else you know is busy, someone to run interference for people you don't want to talk to, and help with the kids for parents. Giving plus ones used to be standard, when people gave a sh*t about their guests.
I disagree with the idea that you have to know everyone at your wedding, although like I said I'm old school about this. I was raised at a time when it was a given that everyone you invited to your wedding would have a guest. Because yes it's your day, but you are responsible for your guests. And no one wants to go to an event alone.
As far as him being obnoxious etc- you have no control over how the guests at your wedding (or anywhere else) behave, whether they're blood relatives you've known your entire life or your boss's wife who you have to invite because if you don't you'll be fired. And if the sister ends up marrying the guy, is that going to make him any more or less obnoxious? Nope. But if he's excluded and they get married, they're never going to forget that he was excluded from the wedding. Not saying they need to include him in family pictures, but not allowing him to be there at all could come back to haunt them.
Lastly- I'm also old school about wedding costs. If my meal cost $75, I'm going to make sure the check I write the B&G is $100.
edit: I thought about this more and realized I needed to add to my comment. One of the reasons this bothers me so much is the whole attitude of "It's my day, my dollar, it's all about me, and IDGAF about anyone else." If you DGAF about anyone else on your wedding day, do you GAF about them any other day? And do they GAF about you? Why should they, if you don't care about them? This is why society is collapsing. Why the suicide rate among Gen Z is astronomical. Why families are falling apart and why everyone is miserable. Because no one is willing to take others into consideration anymore. It's all about what I want, and fuck everyone else.
Alone? What about her children and her entire family (as she's the groom's sister)? +1s are not even a thing in a huge part of the world, you invite people by name, you don't get them a blank +1. As long as you make sure everyone knows someone and is sitting with some of those people you don't need to allow them to bring someone you don't know.
Sincerely, someone from a country where +1s have never been a thing and where individualism is waaaay lower than in the US. In my country we actually care about other people, +1s have nothing to do with this.
"Look how quirky and traditional I am!"
Are you also "old school" about brides wearing non-white dresses? What about the type of music they play? Child-free weddings?
Weird argument.
I'm all for child-free weddings. Adults deserve adult time, and if you've got your kids at a wedding you're not enjoying the wedding, you're watching your kids. Although I also don't care if you have kids at your wedding, if that's the vibe you're going for.
Why would I care what color the bride's dress is? I'm not the one wearing it.
Not sure what your point about music is.
As far as me being "quirky and traditional".... ok. Traditional in the sense that I was raised with a set of values that I recognize are no longer followed (hence the recognition "I'm old school"). Quirky? If you say so.
You keep saying you're "old school", but I think this is more a matter of you living in a cultural bubble that is separate from OP's cultural bubble. Wedding traditions and etiquette are not the same everywhere.
For instance, you say that you're all for child-free weddings, but that doesn't seem very "old school" to me; in fact, it seems like a very modern concept. There are many people who would be aghast at excluding children (particularly those who are family) from a wedding celebration.
Where I am, plus-ones are not unheard of, but they're certainly a rarity, rather than a given. Typically, couples in long-term relationships are invited to weddings together, but no one expects a brand-new partner to receive an invitation.
YTA for sending the younger sister to tell her that. Why didn’t you inform her yourselves? And if you already counted her ex in the planning, what’s the difference of having him there?
Do you think people just keep checking on posts they’ve commented on to see the edits? We don’t get notifications on that. Clearly this wasn’t important enough info for her to include in the original post. That’s why literally everyone said YTA until she added that.
I dont see the point in calling her the a h. If she doesn’t want someone to be there then she gets to say no, also the fact she didnt even ask op if her new bf could come makes her the big a h not OP
Your wedding, invite, don't invite whoever you want.
Don't use grooms sister as the messenger, at least have the courage of your convictions and tell her yourself. She doesn't have to have told you she has a new BF in the first place, you just have to tell her you know, and he's not included in the invite.
I don't know why it's called common sense. Sense is FAR from common!
I'm floored by how many posts are about wedding drama on AITA. Why do people get so shitty to each other because of these events? What's up with the entitlement, rudeness and selfishness? Even my own family has had drama/conflict during and around the planning of weddings, and I stayed far away from it. What is it about these fancy parties that make people act like such assholes?
I was a wedding photographer for 25 years. A few years ago (pre-Covid) I made a conscious decision to stop doing weddings for this exact reason. The vast majority of the brides we were dealing with were so self-centered, demanding, just totally "This is MY DAY and you'll all do what I say!" And they were all miserable. The amount of pressure they put on themselves to make everything EXACTLY RIGHT left them unable to enjoy their own day. The last wedding I did, the bride had a meltdown because there were take home boxes for cake and they were supposed to be square but they were rectangular. She spent the last hour of her reception crying in the coat closet.
I seriously miss the days when it was about the marriage, not the wedding.
The amount of people in threads like this saying "your wedding, your rules, NTA" is baffling. Somehow that would never apply if the bride didn't want her brother's boyfriend there or someone with tattoos. But pretty much everything else is fair game, even if it's hurtful.
NTA for not wanting her to invite a date, but your fiance should be the one to deal with this. Do not push this off to anyone else, regardless of the problems with getting in touch with her, and especially now that your other SIL has made it clear she doesn't want to do this/doesn't agree with your decision.
Your decision is fine, and it doesn't have to be a moral judgement- aka "we are uncomfortable with the situation" and you can just stick to the rules you set out as who gets a plus one.
So, your fiance- the groom- needs to handle this. You say she hasn't told you she has a boyfriend yet, but also that she "assumes" she will be able to bring him and has a plus one. Why do you assume this? I would assume that another family members passed that on to you or you heard her say as much but didn't raise the issue at the time. That's fine, but now is the time to stop playing a game of telephone and have your fiance just straight up ask her. If he can't get her on the phone, he can send a text- hey, we are finalizing wedding details and have you down as coming with the kids and are assuming your husband isn't coming given the separation. So I have you down as X (her and how many children she has). Just have him be honest- we heard you have a boyfriend and may want to bring him to the wedding, but that won't work for us, give me a call when you get a chance.
NAH
You have a rule for plus ones, did you communicate that to her? It's reasonable of her to assume that she can bring someone else if she thinks it's only a budget question.
You need to talk to her personally (not via the sister), not make the comments about her bf being new (cause they sound judgmental), and to clearly explain the rule.
YTA. If she's an adult she should get a +1. If you can't give every adult a +1 then you should invite less people IMO. Especially if it's a core family member.
The only person at my wedding I had to talk to about this was my wife's coworker who RSVP'd that they were bringing their mom, sister and her adult children. We were pretty clear that we were inviting guest +1 and any minor children they were responsible for.
Otherwise we had probably a dozen people at our wedding who were new bf/gf of our adult cousins/friends. It wasn't a big deal. It's pretty tacky to pick and choose imo.
YTA. If she's planning on moving in with him and bringing her kids, sounds like it's a serious, long-term relationship. If the issue is that you haven't met him yet there's a simple solution - meet him before the wedding. Take them out to lunch and invite the groom's family if it's that important. Sounds like you just don't like that she's with someone new but for all you know the old guy was a shit partner. This could be a very good thing for her and you're potentially making it harder.
I'm going to go with YTA simply because you tried to push telling her off onto another one of his sisters.
It's your decision to make but at least own it and have that conversation with her yourself.
Slight YTA- I get that it’s weird that he would come because you don’t even know him, but it truly won’t matter 5 years from now. It’s not like he’ll be in pictures, so as long as it’s not a budget issue, I’d keep the peace and let her bring him. Plus since there’s a chance this new bf could be a long term relationship, this is an opportunity to make him feel welcomed instead of excluded.
There’s a number of people who were at my wedding 10+ years ago that I am no longer friends with, and a couple family members we don’t speak to any longer. It has no bearing on our marriage or lives.
>...that I am no longer friends with...
Yeah so u knew those people but not anymore, but OP and their soon husband don't know this stranger at all. I think it's weird to just expect to bring whoever to a wedding without even asking. Also showing up with her new BF, SIL might get (or steal) a lot of attention from their family because some will meet him there first time.
Since SIL is not even communicating with OP about any of it I would say she isn't doing anything wrong besides asking the little sister to communicate for them to SIL.
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I, bride, (25F) and groom (30M) are getting married in a couple months. We are in agreement about this situation but others in the wedding party think we are assholes.
Context: Groom has 3 siblings that are all female. The oldest sister (OS) is married to an asshole and they are always on the verge of splitting up but have stayed together so far because they have 2 kids.
We sent out wedding invites early (6 months out) as many of our guests need to make travel arrangements to attend (OS does not). We sent an invite to OS and her family addressed 'The Last Name Family' to make it clear that OS, her husband, and kids were all invited.
The issue: OS and her husband have since separated and she now has a new boyfriend. She has assumed that she still has a plus one to invite her new boy friend. We don't want him there as we have never met him, the whole situation makes us uncomfortable, and it doesn't fit any of our decided criteria for a +1 (married, engaged, been dating 1+ year or bride/groom has met them). Not only have we not met him but Grooms/OS parents haven't met him. Grooms other sisters just met him yesterday. It sounds like OS and her kids are planning on moving in with new boyfriend.
We asked younger sister (best woman) to let OS know that new boy friend is not invited. She thought it was rude of us to say and it's like we are taking away her +1. To us we didn't invite SO +3, we invited the family. Now that family has one less person in it. Are we the assholes?
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INFO:
Are the grooms 2 other sisters married? Or do they have boyfriends? How long have they been dating their boyfriends, and are their boyfriends coming?
Is anyone else bringing a boyfriend they've had for less than 6 months and you havent met yet?
1 sister is married and the other is engaged. Both of their significant others are coming.
There is 1 person bringing a boyfriend they've had for about 6 months but both I and groom have met them. All other significant others have been together for at least a year.
If meeting you and your fiancé is a part of your criteria for a plus one, why don’t you ask your SIL to introduce you to her bf? I understand that you live in different states but why not set up a virtual meeting via FaceTime or Zoom? Your SIL has already started to introduce him to some family members so I’m sure she wouldn’t have a problem introducing him to you and your fiancé .
I'll go with YTA. You're not out extra money since you were planning on the plus one and it sounds like this person is part of her family now if they are moving in with him. Weddings are often social events where people bring dates (hence the 500 movies about people finding dates for weddings). Let this one go and enjoy your special day.
Agreed. People have the weirdest ideas about weddings and wanting to have control over who someone’s +1 is allowed to be. Lots of pearl-clutching about “We don’t know this person! He could be a criminal!” How about trusting the OS to bring a decent person, dropping the bridezilla attitude, and enjoying your wedding instead of causing unnecessary drama?
YTA. You’d already counted her ex as a +1, it won’t hurt anything to invite new guy. Unless there was some actual reason for thinking he would cause a scene or be disruptive then you’re just being petty. Plus if he does cause some sort of problem, just kick him out? The whole issue is going to cause a lot of unnecessary drama and it’s not a good look for you, the new person in the family, to be bringing it. It could cause a huge rift down the line. If you don’t care, go ahead. Also shitty you couldn’t have told her yourself, you sent a sister to do it.
I think it is fair to want to only invite people you know to the wedding. I know I wanted my wedding to be an intimate affair with people I actually know and like -- not a block party for friends of friends.
I broke up with a boyfriend of multiple years a few months before my sister's wedding. By the time of her wedding I was already casually seeing someone else, and she offered me a plus one to bring the guy or even just a friend. I gracefully declined because I wanted to focus all of my energy on her instead of entertaining someone who wouldn't know anyone there.
YTA Of course she hasn't answered any of your fiance's calls. You "took away" her plus one through the grapevine without even talking to her about it. You should be happy OS dumped her husband and found happiness.
Does it really matter if she brings this guy? You had already planned to pay for her ex's spot. If she was with her ex for many years, she may feel uncomfortable going to such an event alone, or feel like a failure that her marriage ended. If bringing the new boyfriend, who it sounds like she's in a serious relationship with, makes the SISTER of your fiance more comfortable, why wouldn't you let him attend?
You played this totally wrong and have likely undermined your relationship with a woman who will be a part of your immediate family. You have also alienated your future family by making yourself look selfish and unsupportive.
Unless you meet the BF and he seems like he would be a disruptive psycho at your wedding, there is no reason to not allow him to attend. On your wedding day you will have minimal interaction with him and it would make your future SIL very happy. It's not really a big deal. Stop being a bridezilla.
It's not your job to decide who is important in your SIL's life. You were expecting a +1 anyway, and asking someone else to break the bad news to her is just the crappy cherry on top. Also, asking someone recently separated to come to a WEDDING alone is a low blow. YTA.
Nta, why would a stranger be entitled to one of the most memorable days of your life? She’ll get over it if she can think about someone else for five seconds- I’d imagine the kids aren’t keen on this idea either
NTA.
You invited OS and her husband -- you didn't give her an unnamed plus one. Wedding invitations are not concert tickets, you can't just transfer them to another person.
If the invite says "John and Maria Smith" those are the 2 people invited. If it says "The Bradshaw Family" then Mr. and Mrs. Bradshaw and their kids are invited. The boyfriend's name was nowhere on that envelope. He is not invited.
However, if OS is not taking your calls, you should email or text her, not ask younger sister to relay the message.
NTA. Send a text and email and whatever other types of social media she has like Instagram or Snapchat or Facebook Messenger. Literally any social media so she can’t claim she hasn’t seen it yet or send a new invite and specifically state new boyfriend not allowed!
ESH. I know it's probably a narrow take, but I just don't get it. The drama people create for themselves with weddings will never cease to amaze me. Why does society put this nonsense pressure on everyone to have some elaborate and expensive party with weird-ass rules?
NTA. The invitation was clearly issued to the family. She and her husband are only separated, not divorced. New bf should not be included in family events until current husband is ex-husband. You are applying the same rule to her as you are applying to everyone else: married, engaged, been dating 1+ year, or bride/groom has met them. They aren't married. They aren't engaged. They haven't been dating 1+ years (unless there's something going on that nobody knows about). Neither you nor the groom has met him. Tell other people in the wedding party "We appreciate your concerns, but we have to apply the same rule to OS as we are to everyone else. It's only fair and will keep other people from being upset." It's your wedding. You make the rules. If she can't be bothered to return her brother's calls or arrange for you to meet bf, bf doesn't need to be there.
NTA I was in a similar situation to OS a couple years ago. I was in a relationship, invited to a wedding with my bfs name on it, then we broke up. I never assumed I got a plus one after that because his name was clearly written on the invitation. End of the day, it’s your wedding, your day, do what you want to.
Another issue, if she planned on bringing him to the wedding, the first people informed about that should be you and your husband. If she wanted to bring him that bad she should have approached you guys with a conversation rather than deciding to bring him and telling her sisters her plan. She’s taking the “it’s easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission” route and I donut like it.
She’s waiting you out. By not answering she thinks she controls the situation.
Be direct!! Text her. Tell her you found out about the boyfriend. Under No conditions is he invited. Period. End of discussion. You will not be replying to arguments. From anyone.
NTA at all.
Why on earth would you involve the younger sister in this? It is not her responsibility or place to convey your negative message. She is not a carrier pigeon! If you don’t want OS boyfriend at the wedding then that’s your right but you tell her yourself. You are being a coward.
YTA - if you're going to strongly enforce this, then it's inappropriate to send the younger sister to do your dirty work instead of telling her yourself and explaining the criteria you've selected.
This also might be unpopular but I do think family is exempt from some of the +1 criteria. Who's to say the family won't meet him before the wedding, anyways? She's part of the wedding and that's a big ask from anyone, so I'd throw her a bone and let her bring her boyfriend. It feels like you're staking this all on a moral absolute instead of considering what this decision could do to your relationship. What would you prefer? The BF to come to the wedding, or the sister to be bitter and pissed the whole time and potentially hold a lasting grudge about this? I'd personally pick the boyfriend.
YTA
First, you obviously know what you're doing is questionable since you tried to get someone else to do your dirty work.
Second, can you really not imagine why someone who was recently divorced might want a little extra emotional support at a wedding?
Finally, there were some people I didn't know at my wedding. Shockingly, I lived to tell the tale. We were more concerned with our guests having a good time than with meeting a few people for the first time.
Your wedding, your rules, but yes, YTA.
Unless you have reason to believe that the new boyfriend will disrupt your wedding, you're simply being a moral turd in the punchbowl and creating a rift in the family because you don't approve of SIL moving on.
By all means, you do you, but don't be surprised if this blows up in your face for years to come.
Why would anyone be an A just because they don't want any stranger at their own wedding?? She literally only started dating this new guy and he is supposed to be invited to their special day already just cause he **might** stick around...
OP and her fiancé could ask to meet this guy before the wedding. It’s a couple months away, they have plenty of time. Plus SIL is considering moving in with him. This might be one of these relationships that became serious quickly.
Yes, of course that would change the whole post but from what we are told SIL didn't even tell them that she is dating someone new....
And at least in my eyes many "super serious" relationships that start really fast after leaving their ex partner are rarely healthy but I might be biased from my own experience.
I see your point but there could be a lot of reasons why OP’s SIL hasn’t said anything about her new relationship yet. For example, maybe she’s nervous to share that she’s dating again and she finds it hard easier to tell people one at a time.
As for the relationship itself, OP and her fiancé were going to let her SIL’s ex husband come to the wedding even though he’s an AH and their marriage was practically over. I don’t see the difference between the SIL bringing her partner in a failed marriage and bringing her partner is a dating relationship that may not work out.
I'm not saying anything about SILs reasoning of not telling OP about her relationship that's up to her and not really all that relevant but OP not knowing that guy in Question is a valid reason of maybe not wanting to invite stranger to her own wedding.
And well it's way harder to exclude a long standing family member even if they are awful human being because they still are part of the established family and it would cause a lot more drama to exclude them specifically.
Actually, it’s perfectly fair to not want a stranger at your wedding. They will be in your photos/videos and since they have not been together for very long the probability of them lasting is not very good.
It doesn't matter whether the couple lasts. Hell, the bride and groom probably won't make it, come to that. The point is that a focus on ridiculous rules and control is a bad way to join a family.
I’m sorry but I don’t agree with you. I have people in my wedding pictures that I really don’t like and I didn’t want them at our wedding. They were not together long enough with no serious commitment; but to honor the peace, we said they’re welcome. I regret that decision.
When you are paying for other people to celebrate, and let’s be real - weddings are expensive, I do not see a reason why you need to pay for someone to be at your wedding that you do not have any kind of friendship or relationship with and that will be in your memories for however long.
ETA: my husband regrets our decision to honor the peace and let the extra people come even more than I do.
YTA. Enjoy your special day and stop making it more than what it is. If you were financially prepared for her and her husband then her bringing a date is no issue. People come to your wedding to celebrate with you and I would hope your guests comfort matters to you as well. Relationships matter more than a single event. Don’t start your marriage alienating people.
Nah
Because I get you stand point but I also het wanting to bring a partner
I’m the end it is your wedding and your decision, but if it’s months away isn’t there still quite a bit of time to get to know him?
YTA, OP says wedding is still a few months away but she and fiancé don’t think to make an attempt to meet the bf beforehand. OS lives close enough to not have to make travel arrangements for the wedding but too far to find time for OP and fiancé to meet the bf when the other sisters already have? There must be more to this that OP has chosen to omit.
In that case, you should talk directly with your future SIL and hear how serious of a relationship it’s becoming. Moving in together is a huge step so he could be your future BIL sooner rather than later. If they decided to marry, you might find yourself in an awkward situation where they find an excuse not to invite you. You are marrying her brother, which means into *her* immediate family. The resolution to this current situation could have some long term repercussions that aren’t obvious now. Just something to think about when you envision what holidays and other special events might be like for you and your soon-to-be husband.
NTA for having the +1 rule (the way you worded it sounds very reasonable to me!)
BUT:
YTA for having your fiancés younger sister tell the older sister, that’s just very rude.
I saw your edit, but earlier in the post you wrote you’re gonna get married ‘in a couple of months’. So you still have time for
a) reaching the sister and telling herself
b) actually meeting the boyfriend, thus allowing him to be at the wedding
Why did this have to be RIGHT NOW?
YTA and I am so constantly baffled by these "I need to control every tiny little thing other people do at my wedding" posts. If your enjoyment of your own wedding is really going to be impacted by this insignificant stuff, you probably shouldn't be getting married, because you must not be very happy with yourself or your relationship.
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NTA for not wanting the new boyfriend to come to the wedding. You can invite who you want and shouldn't feel obliged to give plus ones. It's nice to give a plus one where the boyfriend or girlfriend has been around for a while, you know them etc. But it's your choice. But, Y T A for making his younger sister tell the oldest sister. Why didn't you both stand up and tell her yourselves? It isn't fair to put younger sister in that position. Your wedding, your choice, your message to deliver. Edit: comment made before OP's edit. I do have more sympathy if older sister is refusing contact.
>But, YTA for making his younger sister tell the oldest sister. Why didn't you both stand up and tell her yourselves? It isn't fair to put younger sister in that position. The edit implies that OP and her groom didn't know that his older sister even had a boyfriend let alone was bringing him to the wedding until younger sister told them. In that context it makes sense to respond with "tell her that's not gonna happen" especially since older sister isn't answering their calls.
Ah okay thanks, I commented pre-edit. I have a bit more sympathy on that part in that case (and still maintain the NTA for your wedding, your choice on invites). It's a bit "he said she said" but I can understand how the situation has panned out this way for sure.
separate the Y T A judgment. Bot gets confused.
NTA. It is perfectly appropriate to say that you are only doing +1s for serious long term relationships. Also, in case anyone else is thinking about sending invites 6 months out, don't! You send "save the date" at that time. Invites go out 4-6 weeks before, by which time all the important people know the date already.
We thought we could save some money by not sending save the dates. Would not recommend
We did digital save the dates, same format and decorations as the invites, but instead of printing them out we sent them in PDF form (save the dates are not even really a thing in Italy, and we had guests from all over Europe and the North America so it would've been expensive to mail stuff twice, but they're useful so we thought it'd be a good compromise and everyone liked that we didn't waste extra paper!)
Hindsight is a beautiful thing. You did what you thought was best and that’s ok so don’t beat yourself up about it!
Lots of resources say that it’s perfectly fine to send invites out 6 months ahead, especially if people are traveling. When travel plans need to be made, save the dates go out 10-12 months in advance.
YTA for sending a messenger instead of telling OS yourself
Read the edit. Sister is not answering her phone from the groom.
Most readers must have overlooked the part that they are NoT returning the grooms calls, what other choice does he have since he’s not even suppose to know about the new boy.
It wasn't really overlooking, they just commented before the edit was made
If sister is not answering her phone from the groom does sister not have social media? Text messaging? Email? If they're already going to make things awkward by starting this drama and not letting her have a plus one then they may as well follow it through and tell her to her face or virtually and not dump it on the younger sister to do. That's trashy
Eh I’d argue that OP is still NTA. It’s her fiancée’s family and the onus should be on HIM to sort this out. This doesn’t have to be her message to deliver.
Your SIL didn’t have a plus one. The family unit was invited. The husband was on the invitation. She had no intention of telling you about this boyfriend, and by the sounds of it, actively avoided any discussion by ignoring attempted contact. If she wanted him to be her date to the wedding, she should have spent this time setting up lunch or dinner dates with you And your fiancé, so that the two of you, and the rest of the family potentially, could grow comfortable with him. They chose not to do that. If she is making zero efforts into helping for him to become welcome in this scenario, then of course he shouldn’t be invited. He was never invited. And honestly, she hasn’t asked, and apparently is just assuming she gets special treatment. NTA
I agree with this. The family was invited, not the sister & whoever she happens to be dating/married to on the day of the wedding. OP found out about the new boyfriend indirectly…
Exactly. The SIL isn’t even aware that OP knows he exists yet. And frankly, this sounds hella unstable. Her and her husband aren’t even divorced yet, yet this woman is planning on moving her and her kids in with this new boyfriend? I don’t think it’s even a good idea to introduce a boyfriend/girlfriend to your children this quickly.
I think the sister already knew her new boyfriend wouldn't be invited so was trying to avoid contact so OP and her fiance wouldn't find about until the wedding day.
There’s a fair chance of that. I hate when people do this. I had three people show up at my wedding, because her parents and ex husband were invited, and for some reason she felt left out of it, I guess? Showed up with her daughter and her daughter’s friend. Then complained when there was no place for them to sit. I’m sorry? You weren’t invited. Your daughter wasn’t invited. Her friend wasn’t invited. Everyone you know who was invited was there because we had a friendship with them. Of course we don’t have seating for people who weren’t on the invite list.
>We asked younger sister (best woman) to let OS know that new boy friend is not invited. YTA You're an ahole for being a coward and trying to make this someone else's job. Technically it's your fiance's sister so it should be his job and his alone to deliver. It's not the job of anyone else. Invite or don't invite who you want but its no one else's job.
The OP has added an edit since you replied. Apparently the older sister hasn’t been answering any calls from her brother (the groom) so I can see why they asked the younger sister to tell the older sister.
That sounds like the OS knows already and how could she know unless she heard from the grapevine that the OP and her fiance were trash talking either her or her bf behind her back. Trash talking would be YTA-worthy. Or there is a bigger issue not being discussed, like the groom taking her ex husband's side or possibly inviting her ex husband to the wedding. I'm going to stay by the "YTA"
They didn’t even know she had a bf because she won’t answer the phone. They were told by younger sister in which case they asked her to relay the message that he wasn’t invited.
NTA. Its your wedding, you get to decide who's on the guestlist and who gets a plus one. You two had a specific criteria for who gets a +1 and OS & her new bf don't fit that criteria.
NTA for not wanting a stranger at your wedding. But make the groom himself tell this to the sister. There's really no cause for drama here yet, just a missunderstanding.
Yta for making the younger sister tell her. This is your wedding. Not hers. If you don't want the older sister's boyfriend there. You tell her.
NTA. He needs to leave her a voice-mail and text that Noone is invited in place of her husband.
NTA
op=NTA but you need to get this clarified before the wedding.
NTA and I would do everything to make sure that OS knows about it. You can send a letter, email, text, leave a voicemail, send a letter registered delivery that requires a signature, and then start to ask other family members to find out why the hell OS is not responding to any forms of communication, and let them know that they do not have a +1, and anyone that shows up will be escorted off the premises. Good luck OP and congrats for the upcoming wedding.
NTA, but I don't think talking to OS should have been outsourced. Even though she hadn't told you she had split up with her husband and had a new dude, you knew it. She is a regular s**t show, and since she is going to be difficult, the most adult thing to do is to not put someone else in her line of fire. It is, after all, you're wedding.
NTA, and yes, I would also want to avoid that drama. Newly separated and dating, no thanks.
NTA. People need to stop thinking they are entitled to +1 unless they are paying for said +1. If the couple knows your +1 and wants them there they’ll invite your +1. In they didn’t, don’t make that a crysis.
>unless they are paying for said +1. Isn't this what happens? I'm confused. I mean, I'm 48, so I've been to my fair share of weddings, and I always wrote a check for the cost of all the meals I rsvp'd for (meaning sometimes for me, my husband and our kids, or sometimes just myself and my bf/husband depending on how long ago we're talking about) plus some extra because that's the right thing to do. But I'm 48, so I'm well past the age where I have tons of people in my life getting married. I've only been to three weddings in the last five years. Is that no longer what people do?
Wait you went to weddings you had to pay for the meals?!? In my country the bride and groom pay for everyone’s food that’s why I said asking for +1(and insisting on it) is rude, because you are just forcing someone to pay for your +1 meal and it’s an expensive as hell meal. I’ve never been to a wedding where people pay for their meals, usually I try to gift something of similar value to what I believe they paid for in my meal so it’s “fair”, but here we pay like 400-500 per meal and most of our gifts were 200 per couple/sometimes group. So weddings tend to be just… expensive XD
Sorry, I guess I should have explained that better. We don't "pay for our meals" in the US either. But we generally give a gift of money that is more than what the B&G spent on our meals. And that would be everyone I RSVP'd for. So say the meals were $150/plate. If it was just me and my husband, I'd write a check for at least $350. If it was my, my husband and our two kids, I'd write a check for $750ish. So if you're invited to that wedding and not allowed to bring a +1, your gift would be $175. If you're a person and a +1, you should be giving the B&G $350.
Ah, got it. Yes, I don’t think that’s the same exactly (thought definitely that is better than the what happened at my wedding), but I guess it depends on the kind of wedding you are having. If it is a big place and people don’t have their seats assigned beforehand, nor had to cut other people whom they’ve known from the guest list (again, considering they don’t know your +1 or something similar to that) then I guess it’s not such an issue if you are giving a gift of similar value. But if it is a mini wedding (less than 50 people) I’d feel bad for asking for a +1 for a person the bride and groom don’t even know (even if I gifted something of similar value) considering that they probably couldn’t fit everyone they likes in their guest list in the first place. But, yes, gifting something of similar value makes it way better.
NTA. You invited the family members. BF who you have never met, dating OS who is not yet divorced, is not family
NTA And no strangers at the wedding, ugh! Stick to your guns.
NTA. Tell her to stay home if she doesn't like it.
YTA. I'm old school. I firmly believe that every adult invited to a wedding should be able to bring a guest. You're the host and as such you're responsible for ensuring your guests have a pleasant experience. Adults have a better time when they are allowed to share it with someone else. edited for clarity
I dont think the plus one is the issue as much as the fact neither the bride, groom, or parents have met the new BF. To me it is understandable to want to have met people who are attending one's wedding. He could be obnoxious, rude, or get rowdy when drinking, all of which could adversely impact their wedding. He could also be a perfect gentleman but it is understandable to not want to take that risk. Also since no one in the family has met him other than 1 sister, him attending the wedding would likely take attention away from the couple, due to family members wanting to meet & greet him. Lastly, as expensive as weddings are, most couples want to be surrounded by people who know them & dont want to pay $75 a plate for people theyve never met
> Also since no one in the family has met him other than 1 sister, him attending the wedding would likely take attention away from the couple.. This is without a doubt the most ridiculous reason I've heard yet. Should people just not do anything at a wedding, because it could possibly take away attention from the couple getting married? You'd have to be incredibly insecure with your relationship to everyone invited for this to actually be a problem. Weddings are for celebration and typically include dancing. Having a plus one means you have someone to dance with, to talk to when everyone else you know is busy, someone to run interference for people you don't want to talk to, and help with the kids for parents. Giving plus ones used to be standard, when people gave a sh*t about their guests.
I disagree with the idea that you have to know everyone at your wedding, although like I said I'm old school about this. I was raised at a time when it was a given that everyone you invited to your wedding would have a guest. Because yes it's your day, but you are responsible for your guests. And no one wants to go to an event alone. As far as him being obnoxious etc- you have no control over how the guests at your wedding (or anywhere else) behave, whether they're blood relatives you've known your entire life or your boss's wife who you have to invite because if you don't you'll be fired. And if the sister ends up marrying the guy, is that going to make him any more or less obnoxious? Nope. But if he's excluded and they get married, they're never going to forget that he was excluded from the wedding. Not saying they need to include him in family pictures, but not allowing him to be there at all could come back to haunt them. Lastly- I'm also old school about wedding costs. If my meal cost $75, I'm going to make sure the check I write the B&G is $100. edit: I thought about this more and realized I needed to add to my comment. One of the reasons this bothers me so much is the whole attitude of "It's my day, my dollar, it's all about me, and IDGAF about anyone else." If you DGAF about anyone else on your wedding day, do you GAF about them any other day? And do they GAF about you? Why should they, if you don't care about them? This is why society is collapsing. Why the suicide rate among Gen Z is astronomical. Why families are falling apart and why everyone is miserable. Because no one is willing to take others into consideration anymore. It's all about what I want, and fuck everyone else.
Alone? What about her children and her entire family (as she's the groom's sister)? +1s are not even a thing in a huge part of the world, you invite people by name, you don't get them a blank +1. As long as you make sure everyone knows someone and is sitting with some of those people you don't need to allow them to bring someone you don't know. Sincerely, someone from a country where +1s have never been a thing and where individualism is waaaay lower than in the US. In my country we actually care about other people, +1s have nothing to do with this.
"Look how quirky and traditional I am!" Are you also "old school" about brides wearing non-white dresses? What about the type of music they play? Child-free weddings? Weird argument.
I'm all for child-free weddings. Adults deserve adult time, and if you've got your kids at a wedding you're not enjoying the wedding, you're watching your kids. Although I also don't care if you have kids at your wedding, if that's the vibe you're going for. Why would I care what color the bride's dress is? I'm not the one wearing it. Not sure what your point about music is. As far as me being "quirky and traditional".... ok. Traditional in the sense that I was raised with a set of values that I recognize are no longer followed (hence the recognition "I'm old school"). Quirky? If you say so.
You keep saying you're "old school", but I think this is more a matter of you living in a cultural bubble that is separate from OP's cultural bubble. Wedding traditions and etiquette are not the same everywhere. For instance, you say that you're all for child-free weddings, but that doesn't seem very "old school" to me; in fact, it seems like a very modern concept. There are many people who would be aghast at excluding children (particularly those who are family) from a wedding celebration. Where I am, plus-ones are not unheard of, but they're certainly a rarity, rather than a given. Typically, couples in long-term relationships are invited to weddings together, but no one expects a brand-new partner to receive an invitation.
YTA for sending the younger sister to tell her that. Why didn’t you inform her yourselves? And if you already counted her ex in the planning, what’s the difference of having him there?
1 look at the edit 2 the difference is her not even knowing him??
Do you think people just keep checking on posts they’ve commented on to see the edits? We don’t get notifications on that. Clearly this wasn’t important enough info for her to include in the original post. That’s why literally everyone said YTA until she added that.
I dont see the point in calling her the a h. If she doesn’t want someone to be there then she gets to say no, also the fact she didnt even ask op if her new bf could come makes her the big a h not OP
NTA
Your wedding, invite, don't invite whoever you want. Don't use grooms sister as the messenger, at least have the courage of your convictions and tell her yourself. She doesn't have to have told you she has a new BF in the first place, you just have to tell her you know, and he's not included in the invite. I don't know why it's called common sense. Sense is FAR from common!
I'm floored by how many posts are about wedding drama on AITA. Why do people get so shitty to each other because of these events? What's up with the entitlement, rudeness and selfishness? Even my own family has had drama/conflict during and around the planning of weddings, and I stayed far away from it. What is it about these fancy parties that make people act like such assholes?
I was a wedding photographer for 25 years. A few years ago (pre-Covid) I made a conscious decision to stop doing weddings for this exact reason. The vast majority of the brides we were dealing with were so self-centered, demanding, just totally "This is MY DAY and you'll all do what I say!" And they were all miserable. The amount of pressure they put on themselves to make everything EXACTLY RIGHT left them unable to enjoy their own day. The last wedding I did, the bride had a meltdown because there were take home boxes for cake and they were supposed to be square but they were rectangular. She spent the last hour of her reception crying in the coat closet. I seriously miss the days when it was about the marriage, not the wedding.
The amount of people in threads like this saying "your wedding, your rules, NTA" is baffling. Somehow that would never apply if the bride didn't want her brother's boyfriend there or someone with tattoos. But pretty much everything else is fair game, even if it's hurtful.
NTA for not wanting her to invite a date, but your fiance should be the one to deal with this. Do not push this off to anyone else, regardless of the problems with getting in touch with her, and especially now that your other SIL has made it clear she doesn't want to do this/doesn't agree with your decision. Your decision is fine, and it doesn't have to be a moral judgement- aka "we are uncomfortable with the situation" and you can just stick to the rules you set out as who gets a plus one. So, your fiance- the groom- needs to handle this. You say she hasn't told you she has a boyfriend yet, but also that she "assumes" she will be able to bring him and has a plus one. Why do you assume this? I would assume that another family members passed that on to you or you heard her say as much but didn't raise the issue at the time. That's fine, but now is the time to stop playing a game of telephone and have your fiance just straight up ask her. If he can't get her on the phone, he can send a text- hey, we are finalizing wedding details and have you down as coming with the kids and are assuming your husband isn't coming given the separation. So I have you down as X (her and how many children she has). Just have him be honest- we heard you have a boyfriend and may want to bring him to the wedding, but that won't work for us, give me a call when you get a chance.
NAH You have a rule for plus ones, did you communicate that to her? It's reasonable of her to assume that she can bring someone else if she thinks it's only a budget question. You need to talk to her personally (not via the sister), not make the comments about her bf being new (cause they sound judgmental), and to clearly explain the rule.
She was never given a +1. Her nuclear family of four was invited by name.
NAH, but don't you think it may have been better to tell her yourself?
YTA. If she's an adult she should get a +1. If you can't give every adult a +1 then you should invite less people IMO. Especially if it's a core family member. The only person at my wedding I had to talk to about this was my wife's coworker who RSVP'd that they were bringing their mom, sister and her adult children. We were pretty clear that we were inviting guest +1 and any minor children they were responsible for. Otherwise we had probably a dozen people at our wedding who were new bf/gf of our adult cousins/friends. It wasn't a big deal. It's pretty tacky to pick and choose imo.
YTA. If she's planning on moving in with him and bringing her kids, sounds like it's a serious, long-term relationship. If the issue is that you haven't met him yet there's a simple solution - meet him before the wedding. Take them out to lunch and invite the groom's family if it's that important. Sounds like you just don't like that she's with someone new but for all you know the old guy was a shit partner. This could be a very good thing for her and you're potentially making it harder.
I'm going to go with YTA simply because you tried to push telling her off onto another one of his sisters. It's your decision to make but at least own it and have that conversation with her yourself.
Look at the edit
Slight YTA- I get that it’s weird that he would come because you don’t even know him, but it truly won’t matter 5 years from now. It’s not like he’ll be in pictures, so as long as it’s not a budget issue, I’d keep the peace and let her bring him. Plus since there’s a chance this new bf could be a long term relationship, this is an opportunity to make him feel welcomed instead of excluded. There’s a number of people who were at my wedding 10+ years ago that I am no longer friends with, and a couple family members we don’t speak to any longer. It has no bearing on our marriage or lives.
>...that I am no longer friends with... Yeah so u knew those people but not anymore, but OP and their soon husband don't know this stranger at all. I think it's weird to just expect to bring whoever to a wedding without even asking. Also showing up with her new BF, SIL might get (or steal) a lot of attention from their family because some will meet him there first time. Since SIL is not even communicating with OP about any of it I would say she isn't doing anything wrong besides asking the little sister to communicate for them to SIL.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I, bride, (25F) and groom (30M) are getting married in a couple months. We are in agreement about this situation but others in the wedding party think we are assholes. Context: Groom has 3 siblings that are all female. The oldest sister (OS) is married to an asshole and they are always on the verge of splitting up but have stayed together so far because they have 2 kids. We sent out wedding invites early (6 months out) as many of our guests need to make travel arrangements to attend (OS does not). We sent an invite to OS and her family addressed 'The Last Name Family' to make it clear that OS, her husband, and kids were all invited. The issue: OS and her husband have since separated and she now has a new boyfriend. She has assumed that she still has a plus one to invite her new boy friend. We don't want him there as we have never met him, the whole situation makes us uncomfortable, and it doesn't fit any of our decided criteria for a +1 (married, engaged, been dating 1+ year or bride/groom has met them). Not only have we not met him but Grooms/OS parents haven't met him. Grooms other sisters just met him yesterday. It sounds like OS and her kids are planning on moving in with new boyfriend. We asked younger sister (best woman) to let OS know that new boy friend is not invited. She thought it was rude of us to say and it's like we are taking away her +1. To us we didn't invite SO +3, we invited the family. Now that family has one less person in it. Are we the assholes? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
INFO: Are the grooms 2 other sisters married? Or do they have boyfriends? How long have they been dating their boyfriends, and are their boyfriends coming? Is anyone else bringing a boyfriend they've had for less than 6 months and you havent met yet?
1 sister is married and the other is engaged. Both of their significant others are coming. There is 1 person bringing a boyfriend they've had for about 6 months but both I and groom have met them. All other significant others have been together for at least a year.
If meeting you and your fiancé is a part of your criteria for a plus one, why don’t you ask your SIL to introduce you to her bf? I understand that you live in different states but why not set up a virtual meeting via FaceTime or Zoom? Your SIL has already started to introduce him to some family members so I’m sure she wouldn’t have a problem introducing him to you and your fiancé .
I'll go with YTA. You're not out extra money since you were planning on the plus one and it sounds like this person is part of her family now if they are moving in with him. Weddings are often social events where people bring dates (hence the 500 movies about people finding dates for weddings). Let this one go and enjoy your special day.
Agreed. People have the weirdest ideas about weddings and wanting to have control over who someone’s +1 is allowed to be. Lots of pearl-clutching about “We don’t know this person! He could be a criminal!” How about trusting the OS to bring a decent person, dropping the bridezilla attitude, and enjoying your wedding instead of causing unnecessary drama?
Exactly why are people causing drama before there is any drama?
YTA. You’d already counted her ex as a +1, it won’t hurt anything to invite new guy. Unless there was some actual reason for thinking he would cause a scene or be disruptive then you’re just being petty. Plus if he does cause some sort of problem, just kick him out? The whole issue is going to cause a lot of unnecessary drama and it’s not a good look for you, the new person in the family, to be bringing it. It could cause a huge rift down the line. If you don’t care, go ahead. Also shitty you couldn’t have told her yourself, you sent a sister to do it.
I think it is fair to want to only invite people you know to the wedding. I know I wanted my wedding to be an intimate affair with people I actually know and like -- not a block party for friends of friends. I broke up with a boyfriend of multiple years a few months before my sister's wedding. By the time of her wedding I was already casually seeing someone else, and she offered me a plus one to bring the guy or even just a friend. I gracefully declined because I wanted to focus all of my energy on her instead of entertaining someone who wouldn't know anyone there.
YTA Of course she hasn't answered any of your fiance's calls. You "took away" her plus one through the grapevine without even talking to her about it. You should be happy OS dumped her husband and found happiness. Does it really matter if she brings this guy? You had already planned to pay for her ex's spot. If she was with her ex for many years, she may feel uncomfortable going to such an event alone, or feel like a failure that her marriage ended. If bringing the new boyfriend, who it sounds like she's in a serious relationship with, makes the SISTER of your fiance more comfortable, why wouldn't you let him attend? You played this totally wrong and have likely undermined your relationship with a woman who will be a part of your immediate family. You have also alienated your future family by making yourself look selfish and unsupportive. Unless you meet the BF and he seems like he would be a disruptive psycho at your wedding, there is no reason to not allow him to attend. On your wedding day you will have minimal interaction with him and it would make your future SIL very happy. It's not really a big deal. Stop being a bridezilla.
It's not your job to decide who is important in your SIL's life. You were expecting a +1 anyway, and asking someone else to break the bad news to her is just the crappy cherry on top. Also, asking someone recently separated to come to a WEDDING alone is a low blow. YTA.
NTA
NTA - it's the bride and grooms day... not "meet sisters new squeeze" day.
Nta, why would a stranger be entitled to one of the most memorable days of your life? She’ll get over it if she can think about someone else for five seconds- I’d imagine the kids aren’t keen on this idea either
NTA
Definitely NTA.
NTA
NTA. You invited OS and her husband -- you didn't give her an unnamed plus one. Wedding invitations are not concert tickets, you can't just transfer them to another person. If the invite says "John and Maria Smith" those are the 2 people invited. If it says "The Bradshaw Family" then Mr. and Mrs. Bradshaw and their kids are invited. The boyfriend's name was nowhere on that envelope. He is not invited. However, if OS is not taking your calls, you should email or text her, not ask younger sister to relay the message.
NTA - your wedding your rules.
Nta
NTA. Send a text and email and whatever other types of social media she has like Instagram or Snapchat or Facebook Messenger. Literally any social media so she can’t claim she hasn’t seen it yet or send a new invite and specifically state new boyfriend not allowed!
ESH. I know it's probably a narrow take, but I just don't get it. The drama people create for themselves with weddings will never cease to amaze me. Why does society put this nonsense pressure on everyone to have some elaborate and expensive party with weird-ass rules?
Have her brother tell her. Real simple.
NTA. The invitation was clearly issued to the family. She and her husband are only separated, not divorced. New bf should not be included in family events until current husband is ex-husband. You are applying the same rule to her as you are applying to everyone else: married, engaged, been dating 1+ year, or bride/groom has met them. They aren't married. They aren't engaged. They haven't been dating 1+ years (unless there's something going on that nobody knows about). Neither you nor the groom has met him. Tell other people in the wedding party "We appreciate your concerns, but we have to apply the same rule to OS as we are to everyone else. It's only fair and will keep other people from being upset." It's your wedding. You make the rules. If she can't be bothered to return her brother's calls or arrange for you to meet bf, bf doesn't need to be there.
Just elope. Save the grief. NTA
your wedding your event your time your money. you choose the guests. nta.
NTA I was in a similar situation to OS a couple years ago. I was in a relationship, invited to a wedding with my bfs name on it, then we broke up. I never assumed I got a plus one after that because his name was clearly written on the invitation. End of the day, it’s your wedding, your day, do what you want to. Another issue, if she planned on bringing him to the wedding, the first people informed about that should be you and your husband. If she wanted to bring him that bad she should have approached you guys with a conversation rather than deciding to bring him and telling her sisters her plan. She’s taking the “it’s easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission” route and I donut like it.
She’s waiting you out. By not answering she thinks she controls the situation. Be direct!! Text her. Tell her you found out about the boyfriend. Under No conditions is he invited. Period. End of discussion. You will not be replying to arguments. From anyone. NTA at all.
Why on earth would you involve the younger sister in this? It is not her responsibility or place to convey your negative message. She is not a carrier pigeon! If you don’t want OS boyfriend at the wedding then that’s your right but you tell her yourself. You are being a coward.
YTA - if you're going to strongly enforce this, then it's inappropriate to send the younger sister to do your dirty work instead of telling her yourself and explaining the criteria you've selected. This also might be unpopular but I do think family is exempt from some of the +1 criteria. Who's to say the family won't meet him before the wedding, anyways? She's part of the wedding and that's a big ask from anyone, so I'd throw her a bone and let her bring her boyfriend. It feels like you're staking this all on a moral absolute instead of considering what this decision could do to your relationship. What would you prefer? The BF to come to the wedding, or the sister to be bitter and pissed the whole time and potentially hold a lasting grudge about this? I'd personally pick the boyfriend.
YTA First, you obviously know what you're doing is questionable since you tried to get someone else to do your dirty work. Second, can you really not imagine why someone who was recently divorced might want a little extra emotional support at a wedding? Finally, there were some people I didn't know at my wedding. Shockingly, I lived to tell the tale. We were more concerned with our guests having a good time than with meeting a few people for the first time.
Your wedding, your rules, but yes, YTA. Unless you have reason to believe that the new boyfriend will disrupt your wedding, you're simply being a moral turd in the punchbowl and creating a rift in the family because you don't approve of SIL moving on. By all means, you do you, but don't be surprised if this blows up in your face for years to come.
Why would anyone be an A just because they don't want any stranger at their own wedding?? She literally only started dating this new guy and he is supposed to be invited to their special day already just cause he **might** stick around...
OP and her fiancé could ask to meet this guy before the wedding. It’s a couple months away, they have plenty of time. Plus SIL is considering moving in with him. This might be one of these relationships that became serious quickly.
Yes, of course that would change the whole post but from what we are told SIL didn't even tell them that she is dating someone new.... And at least in my eyes many "super serious" relationships that start really fast after leaving their ex partner are rarely healthy but I might be biased from my own experience.
I see your point but there could be a lot of reasons why OP’s SIL hasn’t said anything about her new relationship yet. For example, maybe she’s nervous to share that she’s dating again and she finds it hard easier to tell people one at a time. As for the relationship itself, OP and her fiancé were going to let her SIL’s ex husband come to the wedding even though he’s an AH and their marriage was practically over. I don’t see the difference between the SIL bringing her partner in a failed marriage and bringing her partner is a dating relationship that may not work out.
I'm not saying anything about SILs reasoning of not telling OP about her relationship that's up to her and not really all that relevant but OP not knowing that guy in Question is a valid reason of maybe not wanting to invite stranger to her own wedding. And well it's way harder to exclude a long standing family member even if they are awful human being because they still are part of the established family and it would cause a lot more drama to exclude them specifically.
Actually, it’s perfectly fair to not want a stranger at your wedding. They will be in your photos/videos and since they have not been together for very long the probability of them lasting is not very good.
It doesn't matter whether the couple lasts. Hell, the bride and groom probably won't make it, come to that. The point is that a focus on ridiculous rules and control is a bad way to join a family.
I’m sorry but I don’t agree with you. I have people in my wedding pictures that I really don’t like and I didn’t want them at our wedding. They were not together long enough with no serious commitment; but to honor the peace, we said they’re welcome. I regret that decision. When you are paying for other people to celebrate, and let’s be real - weddings are expensive, I do not see a reason why you need to pay for someone to be at your wedding that you do not have any kind of friendship or relationship with and that will be in your memories for however long. ETA: my husband regrets our decision to honor the peace and let the extra people come even more than I do.
"Join a family" LMFAOOO. A wedding is not about the family. Go back to whatever century you came from.
You can invite who you want but YTA for trying to dump the task of telling her on someone else.
YTA. Enjoy your special day and stop making it more than what it is. If you were financially prepared for her and her husband then her bringing a date is no issue. People come to your wedding to celebrate with you and I would hope your guests comfort matters to you as well. Relationships matter more than a single event. Don’t start your marriage alienating people.
NTA for not wanting the new BF. YTA for not telling her directly. Be strong! Tell them he is not invited and have a wonderful wedding!
Nah Because I get you stand point but I also het wanting to bring a partner I’m the end it is your wedding and your decision, but if it’s months away isn’t there still quite a bit of time to get to know him?
Yeah this is what I also thought
YTA, OP says wedding is still a few months away but she and fiancé don’t think to make an attempt to meet the bf beforehand. OS lives close enough to not have to make travel arrangements for the wedding but too far to find time for OP and fiancé to meet the bf when the other sisters already have? There must be more to this that OP has chosen to omit.
For clarification, we live far away from OS, different states. We are just having the wedding in the state that OS lives.
In that case, you should talk directly with your future SIL and hear how serious of a relationship it’s becoming. Moving in together is a huge step so he could be your future BIL sooner rather than later. If they decided to marry, you might find yourself in an awkward situation where they find an excuse not to invite you. You are marrying her brother, which means into *her* immediate family. The resolution to this current situation could have some long term repercussions that aren’t obvious now. Just something to think about when you envision what holidays and other special events might be like for you and your soon-to-be husband.
NTA for not wanting the bf, YTA for getting the sister to do it
YTA for not speaking to her directly
NTA for having the +1 rule (the way you worded it sounds very reasonable to me!) BUT: YTA for having your fiancés younger sister tell the older sister, that’s just very rude. I saw your edit, but earlier in the post you wrote you’re gonna get married ‘in a couple of months’. So you still have time for a) reaching the sister and telling herself b) actually meeting the boyfriend, thus allowing him to be at the wedding Why did this have to be RIGHT NOW?
YTA
Weddings are boring. Especially w/o a date. YTA.
Then don’t go
YTA and I am so constantly baffled by these "I need to control every tiny little thing other people do at my wedding" posts. If your enjoyment of your own wedding is really going to be impacted by this insignificant stuff, you probably shouldn't be getting married, because you must not be very happy with yourself or your relationship.
What he didn’t meet any requirements so how is she ta