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Consult with HR first to determine what the company policy is and if it is a violation. I believe it is. Then decide if you want to report. NTA whatever you decide to do.
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I'm wondering if I would be the asshole here and need some advice. I'm 18 years old and female to male transgender (FTM). I told my managers about my preferred pronouns and name in the interview process, so it's not like the staff doesn't know. I'm proud to be out, especially with what'd going on in the US right now.
Anyways, I'm constantly being misgendered on the job and that's my main issue. My managers and coworkers keep calling me by she/her, even after reminding them. For example, I reminded my team captain about my pronouns and not 5 minutes later he did it again. This is constant between my co-workers and managers and as a result I already want to quit.
I was given some advice to report them to HR, but I want to know if I'd be in the wrong for doing so. I asked my mom about what I should do and she said "It takes time to learn your pronouns, give them time first". Is she right or should I go ahead with the complaint?
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Unfortunately my insurance is from a religious hospital so getting on hormones has been a train wreck but I have socially transitioned and I make an effort to make myself look as masculine as possible with what I have.
I’m gonna go with NAH. People need an adjustment period for things like this, especially if you haven’t transitioned yet, because people are gonna call you what you appear to be - always. This isn’t limited to your gender identity. As long as it’s not being done maliciously, as long as you aren’t being mocked or mistreated, then I don’t think there is any reason to involve HR and potentially paint a target on your own back.
You’re still under your 90 days, yeah? Ride that out and see how things go. You make waves now and they will find a way to let you go. During your probationary period they really don’t need a good reason and it’s basically painless for them since they haven’t invested much in you yet. Wait til it’ll hurt them more to try to give you the boot, they’ll have more interest in correcting the issue if it isn’t easier to just toss the squeaky wheel.
Passing isn’t a requirement to have pronouns respected. It’s understandable to screw up at first if people aren’t aware, but OP has informed his coworkers of his pronouns, and they‘re actively ignoring them
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Reporting my managers and coworkers to HR could have severe consequences as I live in California and Trans people are very much protected in the workforce. I dont want to throw people under the bus if it's not nessicary and if I'd be mean for doing so.
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NTA & report away. they are creating a hostile work environment and its really not hard to use the correct pronouns. infact its so easy that id suspect that they are not forgetting at all.
WNBTA. I worked a restaurant that brought in a lot of transgender and non binary people. When they were recruited, the manager would do a walkthrough around the restaurant introducing them and stating what their preferred pronouns were and to be good to them. It does take time to adjust to be honest but if people care it’ll be easy. I remember putting an effort in trying to use the correct pronouns and use them in present, past and future tense. Especially with slang that was the real challenge for me. I use “dude, bro” casually with all genders and I had to really fix that because I found myself apologizing constantly!
2 weeks and you already want to report people to HR for not getting your preferred pronouns correct? ESH
Them- if they're doing it on purpose specifically to upset you
And you because some people will not always agree with you or your beliefs. Some may feel it is against their religion, etc and trying to force them to bend to your belief isn't right either.
You've also only been there 2 weeks so they've had little time to get used to switching up.
Lmmfao that's your opinion hun and you have every right to it. Wanting someone to call you something different than what they visually perceive you to be is more difficult for some than others. You don't have to like it for it to be true.
You didn't say anything about visual appearance, you said "Some may feel it is against their religion, etc and trying to force them to bend to your belief isn't right either"
Which is bull, this isn't an either or both is fine, it's either you give someone respect and call them what you've been told OR you're an asshole even if your reason is religious.
I said religion, etc as in their beliefs and such. If you don't agree with my opinion, again, that is fine with me. I don't expect us all to agree. I have the decency to be polite to those I disagree with because of that.
INFO:
Do they ever seem sincerely embarrassed/apologetic when you have to correct them? Or is it more a "yeah, whatever" sort of reaction? If it's the former maybe give just a bit more time (takes 3 weeks to form new habits right?). If it's the latter, NTA. Go report.
I used work with someone who transitioned FTNB. In the world of covid it was lots of online meetings and their voice was on the higher side. Most of us caught on quick and didn't slip up too much but there was this one dude that seemed unwilling. Something they told him then was "Just use my name then." That's something you could suggest as well.
Some sincerely apologize, and others apologize and then misgender me again not too long after, and some still don't even apologize or let me correct them.
NTA. It would be one thing if they met you and worked with you for years prior to your transition. In that case, yes it may be take them a minute to get used to a new pronoun. They met you with your current pronouns so there’s nothing to adjust to here.
>
If you’re comfortable talking to your manager before talking to HR, have a conversation about it. “I’ve noticed that you and some of the team members continue to refer to me as ‘she’ despite me reminding you that I prefer ‘he’… What can be done about this?” … Leave it up to the Manager to come up with a solution. (And document the entire conversation immediately afterwards). If they don’t make the necessary changes, go to HR.
WNBTA to report them because you have every right to feel comfortable at work and they need to know that their management team isn't adhering your requests.
YWNBTA but I do somewhat agree with your mom on this.
They should be respecting your pronouns and gender identity, but I agree that some people take longer to adjust than others. Still though, that doesn't justify it. At some point, it is just straight up blatant disrespect if it continues for a long period of time.
Maybe give a little more time, and keep giving friendly reminders **every time** someone messes up. Don't be afraid to be assertive about it. But if you feel the need to go to HR, then do it.
INFO: How long have you been working there? How do they respond to you correcting them about your pronouns?
Just so you know, depending on where you are, it may unfortunately not be illegal for them to misgender you, and if that’s the case, HR may decide to treat you as the problem. I interned at a LGBT legal center in law school, and unfortunately one of the most common results of calls about workplace discrimination was me having to tell them that we had no state protection for LGBTQAI folks, so if they were outside the handful of cities that had laws in place, there was nothing we could do.
This is my second week there, and some apologize, but even the ones that have apologized do it later, like my team captain in my post. One of my managers didn't even let me say anything. She just misgenedered me and then went to the back without saying a word. I live in California, so I would hope there are protections in place.
In California, discriminating against you for being trans is illegal, thankfully! There aren’t very many states where that’s the case, but is here.
Are they constantly getting it wrong, or are they slipping? How many hours have you been on the job with these folks? If you’re working full time (over 35 hours a week) and did the whole week with them, that’s excessive and time to report it. If you only had 5-10 hours working with the offenders (or you rarely interact with them) *and* they’re sometimes getting it right and sometimes in error, you may need to give them a little more patience
In total, I've worked with these guys for 30 hours, 20 of those hours being in one week. They're constantly getting my pronouns wrong. It's not occasional slip ups.
That’s getting into territory where it’s appropriate to talk to HR, yup. If you were getting a mix of at least 50% correct, I’d say give them maybe another 10 hours with corrections, if they’re improving. But if this is almost every time, that starts sounding like they aren’t trying, and that’s not appropriate work behavior.
YWNBTA but be prepared for the possibility that nothing will happen based on where you live. If your area does not have specific legal protections, their right to call you by your original pronouns would be protected because their religious beliefs may not acknowledge that you can change your gender. This workplace culture may not be a good fit for you, and you may be better off finding a different job.
I read the posts and it seems that you have been misgendered for about 2 weeks. Some of us who have been using correct plurality with pronouns find using the "they/them" especially difficult because we've been beaten over the head all of our lives to use this plural version of a pronoun correctly. Having to use it in a sentence as a singular version then breaks all rules of grammar and doesn't come intuitively. If that is the pronoun you are wanting your co-workers to learn consider their ages and whether this might be part of the problem.
If you are wanting them to use he/him, then that is not what is going on here, and I believe that you have a right to report them to HR, but I would say that is then your exit strategy because if they are purposefully misgendering you, they aren't suddenly going to be respectful and easy to work with after you report them. At that point, it would serve them well to get the lesson, but it should happen when you are on your way out.
>Some of us who have been using correct plurality with pronouns find using the "they/them" especially difficult
From The 600-Year History of the Singular 'They' - [https://www.mentalfloss.com/posts/singular-they-history:](https://www.mentalfloss.com/posts/singular-they-history:) "as professor and linguist Dennis Baron writes in a post at the Oxford English Dictionary, the earliest known instance of the singular they can be found in the medieval poem William and the Werewolf from 1375."
You are clearly misinformed as to the 'correct plurality' and the rules of grammar.
Absolutely NTA.
If a customer were to come in, meet you for the first time, and refer to you as she/her based on how you look alone, that would be unintentional - they don't know any different.
But that's not the case here. Your managers and co-workers are aware that your pronouns are
he/him because *you have told them* repeatedly. That's like telling them your name is Bob and having them call you Joe consistently even when you remind them. It's rude.
You've asked them nicely multiple times it seems. It's time to take that to HR because at this point they're intentionally creating a hostile work environment.
I mean, NTA.
Report away.
But you might want to think about what that will do to your relationship with them. You might want to think about your real objective.
It might get them to say “he” but it will probably ramp up the disrespect in other areas. Or at the very least you will be all but ignored.
Another way may be to ingratiate yourself to your coworkers, earn their trust and respect, and they’ll call you whatever you like because they love you.
You can’t make anyone truly respect you.
NTA.
But, HR isn't your friend. They are there to make sure the company wheels turn slickly, and to help keep the lawyers from having to do more expensive work. This is a general rule, and I'm sure there are well meaning advocates out there trying to hold back corporate overreach, but I wouldn't expect it.
If the company has chugged along just fine hiring and promoting people with a certain character, then you should expect that either they aren't filtering for that character, or that they are actively promoting it. That is, either the general company culture doesn't care about the pronouns or they come down on a different side of the fence.
They might, if you complain to HR, have some sensitivity training, but it will be to say "See, we tried to do the politically correct thing, it just didn't stick. Not the companies fault what happens."
That said, you've opted for the strategy of not keeping your head down. Might as well embrace that, become known as someone who will go to HR, will have the good talk, and will take a stand against bullshit. You might not pave the way for a promotion, but you could make it easier for the next person struggling against the corporate thumb.
As a final note, your mom is right in that some people do 'take time to learn,' but she's wrong about what that means. If they fudge up and follow the mistake with "shit, sorry bro," then sure, they're learning. Otherwise they aren't taking the time to learn, they just don't care.
Had several TG situations in our workplace and it took time for everyone to adjust. 2 weeks is a little quick to pull the HR trigger. I'm not saying what is happening is right, but I'd give it at least a couple more weeks
NTA for reporting them, but depending on where you live you could be fired just for being trans. I am not defending that idea, just stating the unfortunate reality.
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Consult with HR first to determine what the company policy is and if it is a violation. I believe it is. Then decide if you want to report. NTA whatever you decide to do.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm wondering if I would be the asshole here and need some advice. I'm 18 years old and female to male transgender (FTM). I told my managers about my preferred pronouns and name in the interview process, so it's not like the staff doesn't know. I'm proud to be out, especially with what'd going on in the US right now. Anyways, I'm constantly being misgendered on the job and that's my main issue. My managers and coworkers keep calling me by she/her, even after reminding them. For example, I reminded my team captain about my pronouns and not 5 minutes later he did it again. This is constant between my co-workers and managers and as a result I already want to quit. I was given some advice to report them to HR, but I want to know if I'd be in the wrong for doing so. I asked my mom about what I should do and she said "It takes time to learn your pronouns, give them time first". Is she right or should I go ahead with the complaint? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Info: have you transitioned or do you just *identify* as trans?
Unfortunately my insurance is from a religious hospital so getting on hormones has been a train wreck but I have socially transitioned and I make an effort to make myself look as masculine as possible with what I have.
I’m gonna go with NAH. People need an adjustment period for things like this, especially if you haven’t transitioned yet, because people are gonna call you what you appear to be - always. This isn’t limited to your gender identity. As long as it’s not being done maliciously, as long as you aren’t being mocked or mistreated, then I don’t think there is any reason to involve HR and potentially paint a target on your own back. You’re still under your 90 days, yeah? Ride that out and see how things go. You make waves now and they will find a way to let you go. During your probationary period they really don’t need a good reason and it’s basically painless for them since they haven’t invested much in you yet. Wait til it’ll hurt them more to try to give you the boot, they’ll have more interest in correcting the issue if it isn’t easier to just toss the squeaky wheel.
Passing isn’t a requirement to have pronouns respected. It’s understandable to screw up at first if people aren’t aware, but OP has informed his coworkers of his pronouns, and they‘re actively ignoring them
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NTA & report away. they are creating a hostile work environment and its really not hard to use the correct pronouns. infact its so easy that id suspect that they are not forgetting at all.
WNBTA. I worked a restaurant that brought in a lot of transgender and non binary people. When they were recruited, the manager would do a walkthrough around the restaurant introducing them and stating what their preferred pronouns were and to be good to them. It does take time to adjust to be honest but if people care it’ll be easy. I remember putting an effort in trying to use the correct pronouns and use them in present, past and future tense. Especially with slang that was the real challenge for me. I use “dude, bro” casually with all genders and I had to really fix that because I found myself apologizing constantly!
2 weeks and you already want to report people to HR for not getting your preferred pronouns correct? ESH Them- if they're doing it on purpose specifically to upset you And you because some people will not always agree with you or your beliefs. Some may feel it is against their religion, etc and trying to force them to bend to your belief isn't right either. You've also only been there 2 weeks so they've had little time to get used to switching up.
This is not about OPs beliefs. It's who they are as a person.
We disagree, which is perfectly fine.
"Religion means people can disrespect you as a person" YTA commenter, religion does not excuse this.
Lmmfao that's your opinion hun and you have every right to it. Wanting someone to call you something different than what they visually perceive you to be is more difficult for some than others. You don't have to like it for it to be true.
You didn't say anything about visual appearance, you said "Some may feel it is against their religion, etc and trying to force them to bend to your belief isn't right either" Which is bull, this isn't an either or both is fine, it's either you give someone respect and call them what you've been told OR you're an asshole even if your reason is religious.
I said religion, etc as in their beliefs and such. If you don't agree with my opinion, again, that is fine with me. I don't expect us all to agree. I have the decency to be polite to those I disagree with because of that.
INFO: Do they ever seem sincerely embarrassed/apologetic when you have to correct them? Or is it more a "yeah, whatever" sort of reaction? If it's the former maybe give just a bit more time (takes 3 weeks to form new habits right?). If it's the latter, NTA. Go report. I used work with someone who transitioned FTNB. In the world of covid it was lots of online meetings and their voice was on the higher side. Most of us caught on quick and didn't slip up too much but there was this one dude that seemed unwilling. Something they told him then was "Just use my name then." That's something you could suggest as well.
Some sincerely apologize, and others apologize and then misgender me again not too long after, and some still don't even apologize or let me correct them.
NTA. It would be one thing if they met you and worked with you for years prior to your transition. In that case, yes it may be take them a minute to get used to a new pronoun. They met you with your current pronouns so there’s nothing to adjust to here. > If you’re comfortable talking to your manager before talking to HR, have a conversation about it. “I’ve noticed that you and some of the team members continue to refer to me as ‘she’ despite me reminding you that I prefer ‘he’… What can be done about this?” … Leave it up to the Manager to come up with a solution. (And document the entire conversation immediately afterwards). If they don’t make the necessary changes, go to HR.
WNBTA to report them because you have every right to feel comfortable at work and they need to know that their management team isn't adhering your requests.
YWNBTA but I do somewhat agree with your mom on this. They should be respecting your pronouns and gender identity, but I agree that some people take longer to adjust than others. Still though, that doesn't justify it. At some point, it is just straight up blatant disrespect if it continues for a long period of time. Maybe give a little more time, and keep giving friendly reminders **every time** someone messes up. Don't be afraid to be assertive about it. But if you feel the need to go to HR, then do it.
INFO: How long have you been working there? How do they respond to you correcting them about your pronouns? Just so you know, depending on where you are, it may unfortunately not be illegal for them to misgender you, and if that’s the case, HR may decide to treat you as the problem. I interned at a LGBT legal center in law school, and unfortunately one of the most common results of calls about workplace discrimination was me having to tell them that we had no state protection for LGBTQAI folks, so if they were outside the handful of cities that had laws in place, there was nothing we could do.
This is my second week there, and some apologize, but even the ones that have apologized do it later, like my team captain in my post. One of my managers didn't even let me say anything. She just misgenedered me and then went to the back without saying a word. I live in California, so I would hope there are protections in place.
In California, discriminating against you for being trans is illegal, thankfully! There aren’t very many states where that’s the case, but is here. Are they constantly getting it wrong, or are they slipping? How many hours have you been on the job with these folks? If you’re working full time (over 35 hours a week) and did the whole week with them, that’s excessive and time to report it. If you only had 5-10 hours working with the offenders (or you rarely interact with them) *and* they’re sometimes getting it right and sometimes in error, you may need to give them a little more patience
In total, I've worked with these guys for 30 hours, 20 of those hours being in one week. They're constantly getting my pronouns wrong. It's not occasional slip ups.
That’s getting into territory where it’s appropriate to talk to HR, yup. If you were getting a mix of at least 50% correct, I’d say give them maybe another 10 hours with corrections, if they’re improving. But if this is almost every time, that starts sounding like they aren’t trying, and that’s not appropriate work behavior.
YWNBTA but be prepared for the possibility that nothing will happen based on where you live. If your area does not have specific legal protections, their right to call you by your original pronouns would be protected because their religious beliefs may not acknowledge that you can change your gender. This workplace culture may not be a good fit for you, and you may be better off finding a different job.
I read the posts and it seems that you have been misgendered for about 2 weeks. Some of us who have been using correct plurality with pronouns find using the "they/them" especially difficult because we've been beaten over the head all of our lives to use this plural version of a pronoun correctly. Having to use it in a sentence as a singular version then breaks all rules of grammar and doesn't come intuitively. If that is the pronoun you are wanting your co-workers to learn consider their ages and whether this might be part of the problem. If you are wanting them to use he/him, then that is not what is going on here, and I believe that you have a right to report them to HR, but I would say that is then your exit strategy because if they are purposefully misgendering you, they aren't suddenly going to be respectful and easy to work with after you report them. At that point, it would serve them well to get the lesson, but it should happen when you are on your way out.
>Some of us who have been using correct plurality with pronouns find using the "they/them" especially difficult From The 600-Year History of the Singular 'They' - [https://www.mentalfloss.com/posts/singular-they-history:](https://www.mentalfloss.com/posts/singular-they-history:) "as professor and linguist Dennis Baron writes in a post at the Oxford English Dictionary, the earliest known instance of the singular they can be found in the medieval poem William and the Werewolf from 1375." You are clearly misinformed as to the 'correct plurality' and the rules of grammar.
Absolutely NTA. If a customer were to come in, meet you for the first time, and refer to you as she/her based on how you look alone, that would be unintentional - they don't know any different. But that's not the case here. Your managers and co-workers are aware that your pronouns are he/him because *you have told them* repeatedly. That's like telling them your name is Bob and having them call you Joe consistently even when you remind them. It's rude. You've asked them nicely multiple times it seems. It's time to take that to HR because at this point they're intentionally creating a hostile work environment.
I mean, NTA. Report away. But you might want to think about what that will do to your relationship with them. You might want to think about your real objective. It might get them to say “he” but it will probably ramp up the disrespect in other areas. Or at the very least you will be all but ignored. Another way may be to ingratiate yourself to your coworkers, earn their trust and respect, and they’ll call you whatever you like because they love you. You can’t make anyone truly respect you.
Nta but be careful with hr, they're not there for your benefit.
NTA. But. If you have any allies at all in this workplace, check with them first. Going to HR might help and sadly it might hurt. Good luck.
NTA. But, HR isn't your friend. They are there to make sure the company wheels turn slickly, and to help keep the lawyers from having to do more expensive work. This is a general rule, and I'm sure there are well meaning advocates out there trying to hold back corporate overreach, but I wouldn't expect it. If the company has chugged along just fine hiring and promoting people with a certain character, then you should expect that either they aren't filtering for that character, or that they are actively promoting it. That is, either the general company culture doesn't care about the pronouns or they come down on a different side of the fence. They might, if you complain to HR, have some sensitivity training, but it will be to say "See, we tried to do the politically correct thing, it just didn't stick. Not the companies fault what happens." That said, you've opted for the strategy of not keeping your head down. Might as well embrace that, become known as someone who will go to HR, will have the good talk, and will take a stand against bullshit. You might not pave the way for a promotion, but you could make it easier for the next person struggling against the corporate thumb. As a final note, your mom is right in that some people do 'take time to learn,' but she's wrong about what that means. If they fudge up and follow the mistake with "shit, sorry bro," then sure, they're learning. Otherwise they aren't taking the time to learn, they just don't care.
Had several TG situations in our workplace and it took time for everyone to adjust. 2 weeks is a little quick to pull the HR trigger. I'm not saying what is happening is right, but I'd give it at least a couple more weeks
NTA for reporting them, but depending on where you live you could be fired just for being trans. I am not defending that idea, just stating the unfortunate reality.