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KatarinaSkill

My parents treated me like this (plus worse). I left home at 16, now NC. This dad may end up there very soon. What a moron. She will only pretend to go out with the girls, and will still see him.. He cannot stop it, and even if he does, only until she can escape. Well, great way to make her leave home soon. Control only works for a while. YTA.


NotoriousJAM

Don't give OP ideas, he'll probably lock her in the attic and never let her leave.


KatarinaSkill

It is possible, but that only works for so long. You joke (maybe?), that was tried with me (just refusing to let me leave the house except for school and work, and drove me to both (in MY car). I did an end run, told them I was leaving, had my friends come over (had boxed everything already)- they were taken unawares. She would NEVER yell in front of others, so my 3 friends were my witnesses and assurance that mother would behave. The look on her face: It. Was. Glorious.. She was so pissed but tried so hard not to cry or show anger.


NotoriousJAM

I was joking. I am really sorry you went through that, I could not imagine the trauma that you received because of her.


KatarinaSkill

TY. It turned out okay. Found a great guy (after a terrible one). But they do lock us down, the dad did that in this case with the boy there. They cannot do it forever, and that is when we truly begin to live! I did!


sraydenk

I doubt it. There is a good chance this teenage boy decides it’s not worth it to date the OPs kid. I’m actually more worried that it will go round how crazy the Op is and it will hurt her socially.


PizzaShima

Exactly this. I could have lost my boyfriend (now husband) because my stepfather was freaking psychotic to him once we started dating. Thankfully he stuck it through as did I, but many won't. It's not worth it sometimes with the stress family members can add to a relationship, especially a newer one. I feel bad for these two teenagers.


Full_Prune7491

He probably had long hair and listens to rock and roll. That Elvis moving his hips like that. Only the Devil does that. Wait is OP my father in law?


KatarinaSkill

This happened to me before I left. My SD looked crazy, and I lost bf's and friends. It was awful. When parents are this controlling, it tends to be about more than just this. Who I spoke to, clothes I wore (must be frumpy), was forced to go to church (alone, in my case, they stayed home, played family without me), too. I bet a few of these apply to the daughter.


RemoteImportance9

It will. My parents did insane shit and it DID get around and it DID hurt me socially and I only kinda recovered in college as I lived on campus and it was out of state.


SheWhoWelds

My dad did this too, and I'm still not sure what the lesson was supposed to be. We had a terrible relationship for years because every little thing was a battle. What would have been much more helpful is a conversation about what makes a good partner. Respecting boundaries, communicating, supporting your ambitions, etc etc. When a father is this possessive over his daughter he's demonstrating control, not respect. So don't be surprised when she ends up with a controlling partner instead of a respectful one.


I_Frothingslosh

Don't forget 'threatened to assault a minor".


caesar____augustus

OP is definitely the type to post weird boomer things on Facebook about threatening to shoot their daughter's boyfriend


[deleted]

Or in other words, a fucking lunatic?


MrRogersAE

It started off okay, he went outside to educate the boy about respect. A simple “my daughters not a dog, she doesn’t come because you blew a whistle” would’ve been fine. Then head inside and wait for the boy to knock. But yeah he went way, way overboard. What could have been a teaching moment for the boy, and standing up for your daughter turned into a “fuckin lunatic” moment


Creative-Disaster673

Yeah, the dog analogy would have been fine. Honking instead of coming in was super rude, made me cringe. But then the dad went overboard. Not just for the guy - can we talk about him grounding his daughter for six weeks?? For what? For saying he’s controlling? I don’t think I was ever grounded for that long in my life…


MrRogersAE

Not to mention forever banishing the boyfriend. For what? Calling you a lunatic in a private message to his gf? Dude has major control problems.


Sophie_Blitz_123

Tbh I disagree. His daughter is 17, she's old enough to decide what she thinks is rude and acceptable. It would be one thing to speak to *her* and say that it doesn't seem very polite and is she sure she likes that kind of treatment etc. But telling him off for something without even talking to her about it is already too far. For all OP knows she told him to honk when he arrived. Not everyone has the same criteria for what is rude. Maybe she also honks to signal she's ready to go when she picks people up. She's nearly an adult, her dad has no business actively dictating what they can do in their relationship.


notislant

100% TA. I dont mind OP calmly saying something along the lines of 'dont honk your horn here in the future, theres no need for it, it's going to aggravate my neighbours. If you dont want to get out of the car, call or text her.' I find this shit ridiculous too, the reaction was insane though. OP instead chose to lose his shit and shut down the entire date.


SodaButteWolf

And cause a rift with his daughter, too. Teenaged girls (and boys) tend to remember that sort of thing (my own father, who was a genuinely good guy, pulled something kind of similar - not exactly, but kind of - with one of my boyfriends, and then he doubled down when I called him on it, and many decades later I remember it. Most of what I remember of my father is good, but I also remember this.


-Regina-Filange

And he tried to ground her for six weeks for being upset about it, and telling him he’s controlling which is the absolute truth


whatitsmemags

And then grounded her for 6 weeks. What giant YTA.


mybathroomisblue

Yeah this is no way to teach your daughter to value herself


Sufficient_Leg5317

Can we add a new vote called Y-A-A? which would stand for "You're AN Asshole"? This guy has made it clear that he's an abhorrent person in general, not just in this situation. YTA OP. I hope you at least attempt to make a few good memories this year with her because you're not going to hear from her much after it.


longtermbrit

Plus a six week grounding and >She ungrounded our daughter without my say so I mean, he grounded her without his wife's say-so but apparently he's got a problem with her doing basically the same thing.


Kitty-Cookie

Nope he acted as “fucking lunatic” and lost his shit even more when he was called on it.


HRHArgyll

YEP. YTA. I hate people beeping horns from the street too, but OP’s controlling bullying reaction was totally unnecessary and rude.


Left-Star2240

After threatening his daughter’s date because of an action he didn’t know was wrong, OP grounds her for calling him controlling. OP is definitely controlling and an AH in this case.


cybermom1

He was "teaching" the kid to respect his daughter by arbitrarily cancelling her date and physically intimidating the kid, then grounding his daughter for not agreeing with him. He's apparently only interested in dominating and controlling those less physically powerful than himself. Huge YTA.


[deleted]

YTA oh yeah and also a grade A wanker mate Can't stand control freaks


HchrisH

Daughter: "You're controlling." OP: "I'll show you controlling! You're grounded for six weeks for calling me controlling!" What a colossal asshole. Telling the kid it's not okay to just honk his horn and expect OP's daughter to come out is fine. That kind of behavior is genuinely irritating for literally everyone in the neighborhood, and disrespectful to whoever he's honking at. Everything else about this story shows an absurd amount of ego and self centered nature. YTA


Fuzzy-Constant

YTA. He didn't follow your rule because he didn't know it was a rule. That's not disrespectful. Not everybody grows up with the same norms!


nefelibata-_

He also tried to get out, probably to fix his 'mistake' but OP yelled at him telling him to gtfo and never come back again. No chances given, just lunacy. OP, YTA.


endlessnessnessness

Exactly this. OP told the kid (literally a child) what he should’ve done. Kid tried to fix it and do better, OP didn’t let him. OP do you treat everyone in your life with the same “one mistake and you’re done” attitude?


mixedbagofdisaster

He probably does, and then he’ll be shocked when his daughter doesn’t accept his lifetime of bad behavior and decides to leave instead.


Dizzy-Concentrate-12

I have a feeling he's a bully who treats those weaker and less powerful than he is like that.


dasbarr

Right? Like otherwise why bring up that he's a foot taller than the kid.


coconut-bubbles

I also think texting has changed the dynamic. He may have texted her that he was there. I'm 33 and we didn't do that while dating in high school, but it is very common now. He should have communicated with his daughter the expectation of coming to the door (re)meeting the parents (weird) or at least greeting them. It was a control move.


vchaz

I've got a male teenager and I definitely told him you go and knock especially for the first date. I was all for this dude at first but he lost me fast at the 2nd paragraph. Yikes.


StevieB85

YTA Of course you are. Your daughter is a person, not property! You had no right to do what you did, and you had no right to cancel her date for her. This is all a great way to lose contact with your child.


spoilt_lil_missy

Ikr - respect my daughter! But I don’t have to!


Dry_Weekend7618

YTA 100%, this was a HUUUUGE overraction! i don't see what about that was rude, so it's probably a matter of upbringing and familial differences? my family honks for each other all the time when we arrive at each others places to give rides or drop things off/pick things up. and physically/verbally intimidating a teenager for... honking? is not a good look. and grounding HER for being upset? for SIX WEEKS? ?????


mild_screaming

>She ungrounded our daughter without my say so, and now everything at home is tense. Let's not forget, he's mad at his wife too for not consulting him for the ungrounding,, when he did not consult her for the grounding. It all screams a need to be in complete control


Left-Star2240

OP probably thinks the tension in the house was caused by his wife for not supporting his lunatic behavior.


Scattabrained04

YTA, Maybe she texted him to honk when he get there so he doesn't come have to meet her lunatic father. He honked....he didn't run over your fucking dog ....calm the fuck down before you have an aneurysm.


wtfaidhfr

Doesn't sound like mom is a lunatic


Scattabrained04

Fixed, good lookin out


SyberKai

I hope she divorces him.


ivegotnoclue84

Yes! I used to tell my dates and friends to honk all the time (before cell phones). I didn't have the energy to deal with my parents.


Auntaudio

Or have an aneurysm. We'd like to see that.


[deleted]

YTA. Its obvious that to you, "respect" really means "control". It sounds like that temporary control may be worth more to you than a future relationship with your daughter. Shell be an adult soon. I think the stakes will be low on whether or not you meet the next guy, much less any future children.


lainmelle

Right? I get the feeling OP is going to get "updates" about how his daughter is doing in college instead of actually talking to her or seeing her real soon. That's how my low contact started.


L0udFlow3r

Or he won’t let her go to college because then she’ll be out of his control. I see “you can live at home and go to the local college or leave with the clothes on your back” in her future.


lainmelle

I mean. That was still me although mom not dad and I left. So yeah. My bass guitar, a backpack, and a duffel bag and onto a train I went.


cheerful_cynic

"Respect me as an authority or I'll refuse to respect you as a person"


CZall23

And even then that second part isn't a given.


fuckit_sowhat

Every comment he makes he sounds more and more like my narcissistic father. We haven’t spoken in ten years.


ahilliard0114

Yeah, I was just about to comment that OP shouldn't be surprised if his daughter distances herself after she turns 18.


Emotional_Koala_

OP - parent here (because I’m sure there will be plenty of teenagers in this thread trying to bite your head off). I actually understand where you were coming from. In our day, coming to the door was an unspoken rule, a way to show respect. You love your daughter and you want her to be around people who respect her. But for your daughter’s generation, this isn’t an automatic action anymore. Unless you made it clear beforehand, it’s likely the young man had no idea this was expected or disrespectful in your eyes. Here’s where you need to reevaluate: you escalated the situation, using your physical size to intimate a child, then promptly put a wedge between yourself and your daughter. In this situation, she’s unlikely to think “gosh my dad loves me!” And more likely to feel controlled and (ironically) disrespected. You have two years left before she can legally leave you and never return. The teen years are supposed to be a transition of power from parents to children - and building a new kind of relationship so that when she’s an adult, she will choose to see you. There’s time to fix this. Give her a hug, show her that you’re vulnerable because she’s growing up and going out in the world and you can’t protect her from everything. Tell her you love her and treat her like the almost adult she is rather than a kid to be scolded. YTA.


RelevantAd8726

Parent of an 18(f) and I agree with this so much. Having an “adult”/teenager is a slippery slope. Do you want to be right or do you want to have your daughter come home to visit when she has the option to stay away? Talk to your daughter, OP. Teach her that dates should come to the door so she has that expectation when you’re not around to force it.


CakeEatingRabbit

It is less than one year till she can legally leave. And your dismissivness of her feelings and apologies for everything he did wrong is honestly shocking. I'm 30 and not a teenager, who appenrently should be quiet in your opinion.


AmbulanceChaser12

>OP - parent here (because I’m sure there will be plenty of teenagers in this thread trying to bite your head off). Please don’t dismiss people’s opinions like this, regardless of how old they are. Just because someone is young doesn’t mean they’re wrong. Just because they’re angry doesn’t mean they’re wrong either. Some things piss off teenagers and *they’re right to be.* For the record, I’m 41 and I’m fighting the urge to lash out at OP >In our day, Whoo-ee, no sentence that started this way ever ended well. >coming to the door was an unspoken rule, a way to show respect. You love your daughter and you want her to be around people who respect her. Let me ask you this: why are people from “your day” so obsessed with “respect?” And why do you always get to define for other people what “respect” is? And why does the definition always end up sounding like a euphemism for “obey me?”


RisetteJa

Respect =/= Obey me. 👌🏽 Beautiful!


gogonzogo1005

How old are you? Because I have kids his age and older, teen in the late 1990s and we didn't walk to the door to grab our friends all the time. Most 9f the time we were home alone, didn't want to deal with other family members or were totally lazy teens.


hoopmbb6279

I think the part that frustrates me the most is that OP thinks everyone should automatically be like him. You may assume he “should know better”. Maybe if you had a son you would have had a conversation with him about what you feel respect is. Take a minute and digest that you only see the world through your lens OP and have some empathy to others may not have been taught something yet. I could see you getting that upset if you had asked the kid to not honk and be respectful by coming to the door yet he still chose to honk, but what you did definitely makes YTA.


Murderhornet212

How old are you that that was a norm and you still have teenage kids?! I’m 45 and remember thinking that was old fashioned af back when I was a teen.


Figerally

Framing it as disrespect towards his daughter is the way to go, but after reading he then grounded her for 6 weeks for being angry with him indicates to me that he may have burnt some bridges already.


Cici1958

Exactly. And do you, OP, think your daughter needs to move out (do it somewhere else) because she talked back to you? Is this a hill you’re willing to die on? Or are you trying to scare her? Neither is a way to help your daughter make better choices about who she dates and about how she chooses to be treated. You need to dial it down. Making her afraid of you is not modeling what she needs to look for in a partner. TYA.


DazzlingAssistant342

Can confirm, I'm a full blown adult for many years and I have never heard of honking to show you're outside as disrespectful. Its usually a prearranged thing between the person in the car and the person in the house. If a parent came storming out of the house after I honked and yelled at me that the date wasn't happening because I didn't show their kid enough respect I would have no clue what disrespect I'd apparently shown. I would genuinely think said parent was a bit crazy.


[deleted]

YTA- you punished her by canceling the date then again by grounding her for being upset about it. if you’re trying to teach her how men should treat her with respect you might want to … idk… respect her. part of me thought this was fake. who honks still? isn’t everyone on the same page of a text to say ‘outside’.


Own-Bridge4210

People honk. It’s still quite common and the norm/expected thing to do in some cultures. No idea what the boys background is obvs, but it wasn’t nearly as deep as dad wanted it to be


honeyapplepop

I have also given a wordy reply and also thought it was fake I hope so because my lord what a weird thing to get so mad about


naraZim

YTA not just for the obvious but also: >She ungrounded our daughter without my say so Your WIFE has to ask you for permission to unground her kid?


[deleted]

OP sounds like a miserable human being. Imagine how over the edge this guy gets with actual issues. I feel sorry for his family. He sounds like a total asshole. OP, YTA


JackOfAllMemes

He's gonna end up in a cheap nursing home at this rate


TishMiAmor

I sense that he’s very stressful to be in a car with.


birbbih

yeah lol. hes perfectly within his rights to ground her (for absolutely no reason) without consulting her, but shes needs his permission to unground her??? i dont think he quite sees the irony in him claiming to care about a boy respecting her daughter when he clearly doesn’t respect women at all and just wants to exert control.


ShapeShiftingCats

You don’t get it. The daughter is still *his* property, not the boy’s. /s


birbbih

don’t forget his wife! she’s his property too now so she can’t be making decisions… how silly of her


diminishingpatience

YTA. How did you manage to post on Reddit from 1955?


[deleted]

I was thinking this EXACT thing but less well put, like “is this 1950, wut?” So thank you sir. 🙌🏻


[deleted]

More like 1940. I'm sure that OP requires anyone who wants to marry his daughter to ask for his permission first.


blissfulboo

YTA all the way. He could’ve been more respectful, but maybe he didn’t know that it wasn’t respectful. He’s young. I’m 22 and autistic and if a date of mine honked when picking me up, I wouldn’t think much of it. Sometimes society’s social rules are just stupid. I understand that it’s socially unacceptable to honk, but not everyone is bothered by it. A simple “Hey, next time you pick up my daughter, could you come to the door instead?” would’ve sufficed. You didn’t have to scar the poor kid. Also, I’m glad your wife ungrounded your daughter. Your daughter had every right to be upset with you. You *are* controlling, and it’s something that you should really work on.


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Timmylaw

No shot this is real. "my daughter called controlling and I don't deal with that disrespect so I grounded her and then my wife had the audacity to be level headed and ungrounded her WITHOUT MY SAY SO"


Confident_Feline

A bully and a coward too. When she asked why the date was canceled he didn't own up to what he did.


Invasivetoast

Op wouldn't have acted like this if this guy was a 6'5" 275 linebacker on the football team. He wanted to feel like a big guy intimidating a small 17 year old.


DoctorP2

Father of two grown daughters here. You’re not only TA, you’re an arrogant SOB. You could have gone to the car and said, “You know, we consider it good manners to come to the door to pick up your date,” and everything would have been fine. He would be embarrassed, probably apologize, and would know better next time. Instead, you went raging bull, acted like an ass, and then flew into yet another rage when your daughter and wife called you on it. You don’t deserve any respect here. YTA and need to grow up.


HolleringCorgis

I'd specifically tell my date to NOT come to the door if I had a parent like this. My dates need to live up to MY expectations. MINE. If my parent thinks it's polite to come to the door or pay the bill or ask for permission before taking me out that's a *them* problem that they can discuss with *me.* Then I can tell them to butt out. But they shouldn't be having a conversation with my date about what they expect. Sheesh. Especially if they're okay with other people honking.


MarmotMeiche

So, I agree his behavior is rude and should be socially unacceptable but you went from 0-180 in no time. My dad used to try and intimidate my dates and it was fucked up. It was all predicated on the idea that as daughter I was his property and he was looking for the right guy to transfer ownership to? Like ew, gross. 1) anyone my dad approved was out. If they could please him it was basically an indicator they were looking forward to being my new owner. 2) my dad was a controlling fuck, his stamp of disapproval was a go ahead for me 3) I learned to meet my dates elsewhere or "dated" at school and stopped bringing my bf home at all. Informing him that honking was not cool is fine. That's when you chalk it up to inexperience and give him the opportunity to knock on the door properly. This wasn't worth the boot and it damaged your relationship with your daughter. You aren't teaching her to respect herself more, you're teaching her that your approval is not achievable and introducing her love interests to you is a mistake.


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[deleted]

$5 bucks says he’s 5’10” but calls himself 6’1” because that’s how tall he is with his work boots on.


Glitter_Voldemort

You’re giving him way too much credit here. I’d say 5’8” on his tip toes, but 6’1” makes him seem more domineering online


TishMiAmor

“He’s much smaller than me!” Yes, adults are often much larger than adolescents who haven’t finished growing and filling out yet, does OP want us to be impressed by this?


_Yolk

YTA What your daughter’s date did initially was immature and he should have more respect to come to the door BUT YTA for blowing your lid over something so small. You escalated this to major levels. Confronting a minor in that manner, banning him from your house and grounding your daughter just to swing your “you will respect me at my house” dick. Could’ve easily been resolved by having an adult conversation with either him or your daughter that you found it rude


Signal_Win_1176

Of course he is immature, he is 16 yo. The kids probably agreed beforehand « honk when you’re here »! We’re not in the 50s, come on


stannenb

>I expected him to be respectful and come to the door and knock INFO: Had you informed your daughter that you expected these rituals of respect and submission to be performed by any of dates?


wtfaidhfr

More importantly, had she told the poor boy. Because telling the daughter doesn't mean it's ok to threaten the teenage boy with violence Actually, it doesn't matter. There's no world where honking a car horn can be met with threats of violence without it being an AH


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Catsinbowties

NOBODY PUTS BABY IN THE CORNER


CheeseSticks2021

YTA, you bullied a kid, and he nailed it on the head when he called you a lunatic.


myironlions

YTA. You acted like a “lunatic” on purpose in order to physically and verbally intimidate someone smaller and weaker than you - is that kind of behavior what you’d like to normalize for your daughter as she considers partners for herself?


Hazel2468

YTA. MAJOR YTA. Oh wow. He honked. So *disrespectful*... The 1950s called. They want you back. Look. I get it- you want your daughter to date someone nice. I know. You worry about your kid. I think all good parents do. The problem is that you, despite your efforts, are NOT being a good parent. In fact, what you're doing is just guaranteeing that your kid is going to walk away as soon as she is able. Because she's right- you ARE controlling. She's 17 years old. You are a fully grown adult who *physically intimidated a teenager*, grounded your daughter for SIX WEEKS for (rightfully) calling you on your appalling behavior, and now you're wondering if you were wrong? You are. If you want to salvage this relationship, you NEED to apologize. Don't be one of those parents who can't admit when they fucked up- that's what cost my own parents their relationship with me. You owe both your daughter and that boy an apology, and you need to MAJORLY adjust your attitude. You care about your daughter. You do not own her.


AdmirableAvocado

Honestly, I hope he'll make a follow up with "why did my daughter go no contact with me the second she turned 18".


mutualbuttsqueezin

YTA. Your daughter is her own person. This wasn't your call to make. You're way too controlling and it will not work out for you the way you think.


MushroomItchy7180

YTA. Dear god, you're a horrible tyrant of a parent. Ooh, so big and intimidating! Did that make you feel really big and stong to physically intimidate your daughter's date? Relishing the fact that your daughter may get ostracisized because of YOUR lunatic behavior? Sounds to me like you've got less than a year before your daughter ghosts you. Take your tinydick chest thumping back to the 50's.


Wingardiumis

Why did you do that?? You scared him, used your height as excuse, you grounded your daughter for no reason, six weeks! Thankfully your wife has common sense. YTA let your daughter enjoy the movie with the boy she likes...


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AdmirableAvocado

Yta You sound like a controlling bully. Get help.


[deleted]

This. OP, on a scale of 1-10, his rudeness was a 1, and yours was an 11. And you’re supposed to be the adult here. YTA, massively.


[deleted]

YTA. You could have gone up to the car and given him some friendly advice on dating. Instead you scared him off like a lunatic. Let the daughter decide if something like that is a dealbreaker or not


xInsomniCatx

honestly yes YTA it isn't the 1950's anymore, the person she decides to date does NOT have to meet you. Also honking the horn to let someone know you are there when they are expecting a ride is NOT rude. You need to apologize to your daughter for overreacting as well as her date, you clearly knew you had a height advantage and went after the poor kid anyway.


Palindromer101

They had already met. That's the kicker for me. He just wanted to show he was boss. Totally an a-hole.


StevieB85

Except they already met, and op knows the kid's parents. This was way over the top, and completely unnecessary


Meatbot-v20

YTA. You can go out there, have a quick teachable moment and politely make your point, and then send them on their way. Problem solved. Or. Overreact and alienate everyone.


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Narkareth

YTA You approached a young person and inferred the possibility of violence if they failed to comply with an abstract notion of "respect." You then punished your daughter for pointing out that intimidating a romantic interest of hers is controlling. Since that part seems to have been a point of confusion, lets clarify: Using a threat of violence to coerce another human being to act as you would prefer they act is controlling: You're attempting to dictate their behavior. Further, to then require those who interact with your daughter, and predicate your allowance of that, on their willingness to comply places undue controls on your daughter, as you're attempting to set her boundaries for her.


Easy_Trifle823

YTA. Not for expecting him to come to the door though. That is a reasonable expectation for someone picking up your daughter and taking them out. Hell, I'd expect that for someone coming to pick up my son. Just come to the door, say Hi and then go. YTA for not going to the car, telling him you expect him to show your daughter - and his date - some respect and come to the door. Instead you bullied him (and seem proud of it, given you stated your height and his) and told him to leave. Instead of taking the opportunity to explain an expectation you have towards dating your daughter, and possibly giving him a positive learning experience, you just ruined your daughters date and probably scared someone who didn't deserve it.


west_of_edem

>She ungrounded our daughter without my say so So, you're the only one who can parent? JFC, YTA. I hope you daughter goes to a college very far away from you.


SnooPets8873

YTA if that’s a rule, you should have warned your daughter so she could prep the boyfriend. Cuz guess what? Not everyone thinks that coming to the door is a requirement. And I hope you feel like a big strong man now having gone all tough and intimidating a kid. Soooo impressive, not at all pathetic.


Palindromer101

YTA. Did you ever tell him that you have an expectation that he comes to the door to pick up your daughter? Smh. The kid was being a dumb kid. You could have walked out with your daughter and let him know that next time, he needs to put more effort in and come to the door and get his date.


Particular_Title42

YTA. You're bullying a kid over a difference in manners.


Severe_Band4297

YTA Your daughter is 17, it is perfectly reasonable to ask to meet the boy who is taking her out. But did you? Ask to meet him I mean? Or did you just assume? Meeting the parents is no small feat for most people. For all you know your daughter was the one who told him to honk. For all you know he wanted to come in and introduce himself but SHE stopped him because she knew how you would act? (overprotective and old-school). At the same time he should not have insulted you. Maybe try talking with the parties involved, instead of assuming stuff and then getting upset by yourself. "Hey daughter, I want to meet your date, introduce him". You knew she had a date so she must have told you beforehand to ask for permission? Why not bring it up then. Anyways, better apologize to your daughter and ask if it's serious, and if so, invite the guy over and apologize to him as well.


roger_27

YTA i call BS You could have given him a talking to but to scare him away and threaten him you are a psycho If this post is even real


nokobi

This seems like such a power trip. YTA.


Impossible_Focus5201

YTA. If you want your daughter to know she should be respected you should lead by example. Maybe also try having a conversation with her about things like self love and self worth, respecting partners, etc, I bet that would’ve gone a lot further than just grounding her for six weeks. Which is also absolutely ridiculous if you want to have a positive relationship with your daughter continuing into her teen years.


Iced_Jade

YTA. My mom also would not allow guys to honk at me, but she handled it much better than you did. There was no reason to scare him, ground her, or ban him from your home. You aren't teaching a lesson. You're teaching her how to sneak around and hide things from you.


torgeaux42

YTA. Did you ask your daughter if maybe they had agreed he'd honk when he arrived? Maybe she wants to avoid her date dealing with an overbearing AH who might try to bully him? Come back in five years wondering why your kids never have any contact with you.


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kasdeedee

YTA and you sound downright awful. It’s not 1923. He met you already. Your daughter didn’t feel disrespected. It seems like you have some major control issues. On top of it you grounded your daughter? Seriously. YTA YTA YTA.


throwaway06132020

YTA In high school, my friends came to pick me up for a movie and just because they were guys, my grandma told them they were rude for honking... even though that's how I would pick them up from their houses too. It just happened to be that I didn't have the car that weekend. Maybe this kid did not have the upbringing to know any better, but chewing him out rather than educating won't make him want to change his ways. One single mistake met with aggression makes any person not want to even approach the possibility of trying to understand why they made the mistake.


kookeroo24

Huge YTA. Grounding your daughter for six weeks? Do you want her to hate you? Telling a kid never to grace your property again? Ridiculous, childish behaviour!! You should have acted like an adult - allowed her to go on the date but tell her you would prefer next time that he comes to the door to knock for her. However, instead you decide to have a major tantrum and throw your weight around! If you want to maintain a relationship with your daughter, put yourself in her shoes and see what an overreacting AH you are!!


AverageCatsDad

YTA. Did you really have to ask? Yes, he could learn manners, but it's up to adults to demonstrate how to be respectful, and teach in a way that youth will actually listen. If he just thinks you're a lunatic the good in your message will go in one ear and out the other. People listen to people they respect, and how you acted doesn't build any rapport with the young man.


ImBigDan2022

YTA...Although I would've been pissed at him also for just honking, I would've explained to him that it's not the correct way to pick up a date. Very simple.


PravinI123

Yta…way to overreact. From your story it seems like you verbally and physically intimidated this kid. You could have made this a teachable moment but instead you chose to send the kids away even when he tried to get out of the car. The kid isn’t welcome in your house because he called you a lunatic but guess what? Based on your behavior he’s correct. As if that’s not bad enough you ground your daughter for 6 weeks. Your wife is right to unground your daughter. Do better as a father.


lorikeets_are_life

YTA. Now your daughter will probably be gun-shy about dating from here on out. She might not even ask for your approval on a guy she’s dating down the road because of how petty you were here.


Quinn915

YTA


Affectionate_Shift63

YTA- judging by the way you put disagreement in quotations makes me think that you physically threatened him so that's pretty messed up. Also you made it clear how you felt and he was probably getting out to walk to the door, so yeah you're the AH. And your daughter is 17 not 7 so she's right to say you're controlling also if she can't have a conversation with a dude she likes and let him know that he needs to come to the door and have him do it then yeah there's probably other issues going on. Like idk how you expect her to behave when you drop dead and can't pick and choose all her battles for her. She's at that age where she should be able to set those sorts of boundaries with the ppl she dates. You can tell her maybe not to go outside and text him that he needs to come to the door but she's seventeen and she can use her words.


Obi-Juan_Valdez

Yeah, you're a hyper-controlling asshole, and a nightmare of a husband and father. You honestly sound insecure as fuck. Are you compensating for something? YTA


barefootwondergirl

YTA if you didn't make it clear this was the rule in advance. I was raised by a single mom and she made it clear that she expected me to be treated respectfully by my dates, and this is important OP, *whether she was home or not* if a date didn't get out of his car and walk up to the door to get me, I wasnt allowed to go out. She wasn't trying to teach my dates anything. She was trying to teach *me* how to demand and expect to be treated with respect. I gave my dates a heads up that they needed to park and walk up to the door, and they always did. No one ever called my mom a lunatic, and my dates respected me for laying out the boundaries. My mom said it was important that I was the one to do it, because she wasn't always going to be around, and that there would be times in my life when people were going to put me in uncomfortable.situations, and I needed to feel 100% capable of standing up for myself and demanding to be treated well. Think about whether you taught your daughter anything useful, OP. I don't think you empowered her at all.


Dry-Wheel-6324

YTA. So many different ways to handle this that don't over escalate like you did. How about going out and saying she's not quite ready an please come inside, and oh by the way, "my neighbors don't like honking, our dog gets riled up" etc, so please just knock on the door when you pick her up.


[deleted]

[удалено]


General_Escape

1. Physically intimates a possible minor. 2. Possibly read daughters personal messages off of phone/breaking her respect and boundaries/privacy. 3. Didn’t explain date rule PRIOR to making it up and cancelled said date to be a control freak. 4. Punished daughter for having emotions. 5. YTA 6. She’s 17 and learning how to date properly. All you did was teach her not to trust you. 7. She’s going to go NC with you if you keep up with the “me macho parent in charge only” crap. 8. Wife was right to undo your made-up rules/punishment. 9. You are still the AH. 10. Stop arguing with commenters on here, we already know you are just going to argue and pretend you aren’t the AH- even though everyone knows and has stated that you are.


itsMousy

Of course YTA.


houstongradengineer

YTA. Not that you don't have points, but you were SO much worse. Threatening a child? Controlling your daughter? I'd take a silly little punk over you any day.


[deleted]

YTA enjoy your nursing home.


wtfaidhfr

YTA. For all you knew when you blew up at him, that's what she TOLD HIM to do when he got there. Then you threaten him if he ever comes back. You obviously meant violence


Acceptable-Stress861

YTA. You’re doubly the AH for reading her texts just to be offended at what he said to HER. Btw, she agrees with him, and so do most people. You are a fucking lunatic.


cb1977007

YTA. I’m getting a vision. It’s a 60 year old man. Angry and alone and wondering why everyone disrespects him by not talking to him anymore. And still not thinking he did anything wrong. Tragic.


outlawsarrow

BFFR dude. If your daughter was fine with that method of being picked up, it truly doesn’t matter. Even if she is bothered, LET HER HANDLE IT. YTA and stop physically intimidating children.


[deleted]

Yta. This is her life and not yours. She's 17


No-Key3198

Ew, YTMAJORA. Wtf dude?! Do you feel better now? Honking isn’t rude. It may be annoying, but you could have asked him not to do it again. You scared the fuck outta him for no fucking reason. You’re a whole jerk. Expect your daughter to go NC when she’s an adult if you keep this behavior up.


Maniac2112

Lol hard YTA. You running the boys off so you can keep her for yourself? That's weird af dude.


uzumakiflow

YTA. I see where you’re coming from, but you overreacted. They’re teens, I’m 22 now but when I was dating as a teenager, I would’ve preferred all my dates/bf’s to wait in the car and text me they’re here rather than come to the door because back then I thought it would’ve been making a huge deal and it was “embarrassing”. Even to this day, when my bf’s/dates were to come at my parents house, I much rather them stay put while I come out, even waiting outside of the car is fine despite wanting to pick me up at the door. They’re learning, so both might not have seen it as disrespect as it’s a new generation. They also might’ve been nervous! You could’ve expressed to the guy in a calm manner, rather than coming out trying to big dick a teenager.


RickGrimesSays

The 50s called, they want you back. Who needs enemies when she has a father like you? YTA


gowrie_rich29

YTA but don't worry you won't have to worry about boyfriends for much longer with that sort of behaviour. She'll cut you out of her life.


Mysterious_Salt_247

Is this how you make yourself feel powerful? Intimidating teenagers?


rextiberius

YTA. The 50s called, they want their chauvinism back. Also, a 6 week grounding at 17? I’m sorry, is that a normal thing people do?


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^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My daughter is 17, and was having a date last week. I'd already had him meet me, and I loosly know his parents so he seemed nice enough. He was going to pick her up to see a movie, and all seemed fine until he showed up. I expected him to be respectful and come to the door and knock. Instead I hear a horn and see him parked in the driveway. I don't stand for that kind of disrespectful behavior, eapecially toward my daughter. I told her to stay put, and went out there to have a word with him. I made it very clear the date wasn't happening tonight, he needs to learn to treat my daughter with respect if he wants to be with her. He tried to get out but I stopped him and wasnmt quiet about it (I'm also 6'1" and he's barely 5', so I might've startled him) I told him to get out of here, apologize to my daughter, and not to show himself on my property again unless he wants a "disagreement". He left without another word. Once I went inside I just told my daughter her date was cancelled, and when she asked why I said to ask him. Sure enough ten minutes later he texts her, but not an apology. He called me a "fucking lunatic" and said I "Scared the shit out of me" My daughter went off at me for scaring away a boy she really likes, and called me controlling. I grounded her for giving me that kind of talk, and made it clear he's never welcome at my house again after talking about me like that. If she wants to see him (after her grounding is over in six weeks) do it somewhere else. When my wife got back from work in the morning, she sided with our daughter. She said that while what he did was rude, they're both still young and learning, and that I probably did scare him. She ungrounded our daughter without my say so, and now everything at home is tense. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


Majestic_Unicorn_38

Oh you are most def the AH!


mischiefxmanager

YTA. Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill! Opinions differ on whether honking like that is rude (I agree that it is, but maybe that’s normal in his family—you don’t know). It would have been wholly appropriate for you to ask your daughter to ask him to come to the door next time because we prefer not to have people honking outside our home. Instead, you acted like “a fucking lunatic,” to borrow this poor kid’s words. Your daughter is rightfully furious. Your wife is rightfully furious.


Maximum-Row-4143

YTA. It would’ve been better for you to talk to your kid about how disrespectful he is and telling her you’re concerned and that she deserves to be with someone who treats her well. Instead you went on a weird “I’m the king of the castle” power trip.


thatkittenwasmyself

YTA, an absolutely gigantic, controlling, and pretty much misogynistic asshole — you view your daughter as property and not an autonomous being that can make her own choices about what she does and does not find disrespectful towards her. your weird need to scream at a teenager should be evaluated in therapy. she will not be the asshole when she withholds all further information about her personal life from you and goes no contact as soon as she turns 18. you suck!


arabrab12

YTA. He probably didn't want to come to the door because you are a fucking lunatic and then you go out and scare him. Of course YTA.


ColdForm7729

YTA. What the actual hell is wrong with you?


NuggetSenpai69

YTA. Dude you are fucking CRAZY. I’d get if the noise irritated you and you went outside to tell him not to do that, but like ???????? What is wrong with you???


officialrataccount

Don't be surprised when she ignores you once she is 18. YTA


[deleted]

YTA, this is some wild controlling parent behaviour. You could have let her go on the date and then told her afterwards that honking was disrespectful of him, or even just told him you’d rather him come to the door. Instead you threatened him, and your daughter is probably so embarrassed. She’s gonna start sneaking around probably.


Old-Run-9523

YTA. You overreacted to mild rudeness from a teenager. Don't be surprised when your daughter moves out as soon as she turns 18 and goes LC.


smol9749been

YTA go find someone else's virginity to be possessive about


charliesmahm

YTA and your comments cement it. You don’t view your daughter a person with her own autonomy. You view her as something you own, as your property. She’s 17, she now as a say in the boys she likes and the boys she dates. Your behavior makes you look like the child. As soon as she turns 18 she’s gone and you’ll be wondering why you never see her. People say daughters tend to be with men like their fathers. I hope for her sake she doesn’t end up with controlling, intimidating man who has no respect for her as you’ve shown that’s who you are.


maypokenewtonaway

YTA for all the things you did in this post. Your daughter is 17 not 10, she's going to be a legal adult soon, and I wouldn't be shocked in the slightest if she goes no contact with you if this is how you treat her. She's not your property. What your daughter, her boyfriend, your wife, and every other commenter in this thread said about you is true.


[deleted]

YTA for grounding her 6 weeks. You're NAH for expecting better manners


Environmental_Tank_4

YTA - and a lunatic. You know nothing about them or their dynamic. They were probably communicating all through out the lead up to him picking her up and maybe even decided honking would be how she knew he was there. This is speculative, sure, but your daughter clearly didnr mind. If she does find that she minds it though, its on her to communicate that to him. Thats a big part of dating is finding out what is and isnt ok with you in a partner. You, in over stepping your role as a parent, are denying your daughter to become her own person.


knr27

YTA - your a grown man on a power trip enjoying that you could physically intimidate a teenage boy.


HighlightAshamed1358

I'm getting dejavu. I feel like this exact post has been posted before. Either way YTA.


PsychologicalSpace50

YTA


SkrampfBiddles

YTA don't be surprised when you don't hear from her anymore in a year or so


congratsbitch

YTA. What a way to push your kid away. And yes. You are very controlling.


ynvesoohnka7nn

YTA and on a gross power trip. YOU owe her boyfriend a true apology, however, I get the impression your fragile ego could never handle such a thing. Good thing mom has a normal head on her shoulders.


umberwear

Soft YTA from me- I would definitely have had a word with him about honking but the rest was wayyy over the line


withlove_07

YTA. I can’t wait to see the post where you talk about your daughter leaving your house and never talking to you again.


julesofthefatankle

YTA. You seem unhealthily controlling. Get over yourself.


KodiAK_Catgirl

YTA, you physically stopped a minor from exiting a vehicle. That's assault and false imprisonment, at the very least. You should probably stop talking to your children.


sabbath0101

While I agree that the boy was a bit disrespectful by not coming to the door, you definitely took it way too far with the way you reacted to it. You should apologize to your daughter and stop being so controlling. Yta


arrowjupiter

YTA. He called you a lunatic and you sure sound like one. There were a million better options on how to handle that situation. (Am I the only one who thought about Gilmore Girls?)


missangel21

YTA


msmozzarella

oh my god yes YTA. six weeks of grounding bc YOU have an issue with something that’s not your business? obviously your wife ungrounded her and things are tense!


[deleted]

YTA. SIX WEEKS?!? She’s never going to trust you.


friendlily

YTA. You're clearly a misogynistic AH who doesn't realize it. You want your daughter to be respected by others, especially guys, then *you* have to show her respect. She's an autonomous, fully formed human being (albeit still a teenager). You don't get to stand at the door with your proverbial shotgun protecting her virtue. Treat her with kindness and respect, talk to her about things, let her make her own decisions and her own mistakes, and talk to her about those too. That's how you raise a woman with self-respect who still wants to talk to you after she's out of the house. ETA: nevermind, I've read some of your comments. Seems like you know you're an AH but don't care. I'm rooting for your daughter. I hope she gets out and lives a wonderful life.


Weary-Chipmunk-5668

okay, he should have come to the door, but when you made this clear you prevented him from doing so, bullied him, changed the whole experience into a huge problem, embarrassed your now grounded daughter and forced everyone into hell. if you weren’t such an AH the whole thing could have been avoided, a lesson learned, and the date taken place the next night when he arrived at the door to pick her up for the movie. you are a nightmare and yta.


Professional_Ad_9953

YTA, Im 32, dating has changed significantly. I was in a relationship from late teens to early twenties and it was a complete culture shock when I was single in my mid twenties. If you expect your daughter to be treated a certain way then you respectfully speak to someone and let them know what you expect because ultimately it all comes down to respect. On the other hand if you yelled at my kid in any way especially when I’m sure that kid didn’t mean to be disrespectful, you would definitely be getting a knock on your door, we would be having some words and maybe more because the way you handled that tells me you have a shit attitude. Next time don’t forget that your kid isn’t the only one who deserves respect.


Substantial_Cat_8991

Dude YTA and a hugggeeeee dick. Wtf is wrong with you, this isn't the 50s