Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
You did not properly respond to the judgement bot. Your reply must clearly and directly address why you think you may have wronged the other party involved in your conflict.
While your post was automatically approved by the bot, after reviewing your response manually, we found it did not properly address the question.
[Judgement Bot FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_judgement_bot) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
NTA - but you need to have an ultimatum with your husband. That he goes to get the help he needs, or you’re gone. And you need to stick with it.
He’s refusing to get help for any of his medical issues, he’s not contributing financially, and he’s just accruing massive debt.
I agree but it’s scary because he has no “fight or flight”, he only has flight. He has run away from every single situation as soon as it gets difficult and I feel he’d be too stubborn to get help and come back.
Honestly? Your life will be easier if you give him the ultimatum, because you are currently parenting both a baby and a full grown adult who is acting like a petulant child.
She is, and the larger one is going to become more and more a problem that never resolves until he's a boat anchor around her neck that drowns her completely. She's already submerged. The question is whether she'll ever actually be able to drag herself out again.
So you do all this for him and he sees so little value in it he's just going to let it go?
Like he can't even fight for his financial lifeline, wife and child?
What about your life would actually be worse without him?
And if she’s paying ALL THE BILLS now imagine how much cheaper life would be buying less groceries and electricity less everything! So much stress just alleviated day one. And if she divorces him soon then she won’t have to deal with possibly paying him alimony because she’s on leave.
This. I know four women with children who were concerned about seeking divorce if their husbands didn’t shape up, only to find that their lives were so much easier without a full-grown baby to take care of on top of handling their careers and caring for their actual children. Spouses who don’t do their share are oh-so draining.
Agreed, I'm a SAHM and if my hubby lost his job tomorrow I would go back to work instantly if it was the only way for us to make money BUT the rule is he needs to POSITIVELY contribute to the household so if I'm the one working he needs to step up and say "don't worry about the kids and housework, I got this." OPs hubby isn't doing that and is actually contributing NEGATIVELY to the household by increasing mental and financial stress and burden on OP.
OP, stop worrying about your hubby right now. Look at your financials and see if you can financially survive on your own as a single mum. If the answer is yes, then at least ask for a "trial separation" if you think the marriage is worth trying to save, and then if your hubby doesn't get off his a$$ and get help and a job, well you will already be in a good position to divorce him and get full custody.
This. Your duty is towards your child now, as his should be. But his isn’t, so in order to keep your child in the happiest, most stable of homes possible, you have to make him choose. What he chooses is up to him, but you need to choose your child’s welfare instead of splitting your energies towards someone who refuses to get help.
oh, I have ADHD/CPTSD. I know the struggle. And I get my ass up every day and fight to be the best parent I can be for my kid, which includes medical care. He can do it. Whether he chooses to is up to him.
Yeah, it is about more than the money - it’s about his lack of respect for her time, money, and clearly for her as a person. The resentment is going to destroy this relationship eventually if he doesn’t get his shit together.
Then let him choose "flight". I have mental health issues, pretty severe ones; I need to work very hard to function. Yes, partners help and support one another, but a person has to bei willing to do the work and help themselves. Do you want to be in the same situation 10yrs from now? Where you "stayed together for the baby"?
Agreed. My fiancee has ADHD and BPD but she makes sure to take her meds, doesn't drink to excess, and goes to therapy to make sure she stays on top of it. I do support her in many ways, but I'm happy to do so because I can see the effort she makes to keep on top of herself and improve herself (going back to school, getting a steady job, etc). In this case, the hubby isn't doing any of that, and OP needs to realize she and her child deserve better
It sucks and I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but that’s not your fault nor is it your problem. You need to focus on doing what’s best for you and your son. Your husband is a financial and emotional burden on you right now. I know you love him and you wish he’d get help, but you can’t help someone until they’re ready to get help and the life your living right now isn’t sustainable long term. So let him run and focus on giving your son the best life you can
This IS him running away.
I have ADHD and anxiety and it seems obvious to me that you getting pregnant was a huge stressor to him in his mind (also 3 years is the pandemic and that has been hard on a lot of our mental health). Neither ADHD or anxiety are static, the more stressed and overwhelmed we are the wise or symptoms are… but you are describing something over and above an excess of stress causing a symptom spike.
Lying. Drinking. Bailing on all responsibilities. You are describing him trying to run away while still being physically present - he’s already run away.
Also, it sounds highly likely to me that the more he dug himself into a corner and the more distressed about that he’s gotten he seems to have reached full on depression.
He’s already tapped out on you and it doesn’t look like he’s going to take any action to address all this on his own. If he never gets his act together, if he just keeps on keeping in like this, can you spend the next ten years like this (with finances getting worse and worse which is inevitable)? And how many years are you willing to throw away to this with your resentment only growing before you finally take a stand?
It’s going to better for all of you if you are it now. And if he’s going to physically bail… that’s what he’s going to do but he’s already abandoned you, you just have his physical body.
I have adhd , anxiety and depression as well. He is definitely in a depressive episode and had absolutely run away. He isn’t even helping with the baby and become easily frustrated (mood swings) with baby. Honestly if he refuses help and continues to drink and smoke it doesn’t look good for mom and baby. I’d give an ultimatum. Get help or we get divorced and have a plan ready for help if he chooses help. He might need to do some inpatient treatment for awhile.
NTA, and this is one of those AITA posts where I actually believe you should give him an ultimatum between getting therapy or leaving him. Depending on what medications he’s on, the alcohol is likely going to cause him to become depressed sending him into a downward spiral if the weed hasn’t already negated the effects of the medication anyway. IIRC smoking weed with adderall or Ritalin can increase your chances of psychotics episodes as well, but I’m not 100% on that. Ultimately, the longer it goes on, the worse it’s going to get. If he’s only just been diagnosed and treated three years ago, he’s gonna have detrimental behaviours that he’s lived with his entire life as a result of being untreated, and that’s more than likely going to take a therapist to unlearn. I was diagnosed and treated for ADHD two years ago, and although taking medication every day has significantly improved my life, I still have bad habits that are going to take time to break. Your husband may be going through a tough time dealing with it, but refusing therapy when his mental health is ruining his life is a massive problem
…that’s the answer then OP.
He isn’t willing to step up.
And gee. When it comes to spending money on your own care while fully supporting him, yourself, his child, all the household labor and parenting labor
He was pretty capable of fighting you on that wasn’t he?
Believe me, FROM EXPERIENCE, people like this always figure out a way to take advantage of someone else. You kicking him out will get him a perfect story to find someone else he can mooch from, or you can send him back to his momma. Right now he's letting you be his parent, he's taking away from your family's financial needs to sit on his ass and smoke weed, and using his mental health issues to avoid stressful situations with your son, and that's not fair. No matter what he promises, he may try to change for a little while, but it will always go back to you taking care of him.
My dad was a drinker all his life until the family finally had enough after years and years of trying and gave him the ultimatum, AA and soberity or losing everything he cares about. Ultimatum's suck but sometimes, unfortunately are 100% necessary. My Dad succeeded and when he died was a sober man of almost a decade at age 74. They work and the burden he places on you won't get better
He has that "flight" only mode because as you stated someone has ALWAYS bailed him out. It's like a default safety switch... Run and the problem gets solved and you get your way. You have to be the one that doesn't cater to that nonsense. Marriage is about a partnership to build a life together, especially when kids are involved. If one partner can't get their shit together because they just want to ignore the problems it's going to drag the whole relationship down.
He's an adult who refuses to get help and has turned you into an enabler. He knows you'll keep taking care of him, so why change?
You should separate from him for now. At this point you are a single mom of two toddlers since he's behaving like this, and its not fair that he's putting all the management of his mental health on you. It's his damn job to take care of himself and for your child. You might as well just take a break from him as you've been on your own for a while already. If he gives up, it's on him.
Who is your priority? Your infant child who literally needs you to survive? Or a fully grown adult who refuses to get help for his mental illness and is not only not contributing to raising his child, but actually makes things more difficult for you? No, this shouldn't be a choice that a mother and wife should ever have to make. But this is the situation right now.
Give him the ultimatum, because you'll be either in the exact same position or better either way. If he gets help, great! Yeah! That's what we like to see! But, if you leave, what'll change? You're already a single parent at this point
Sweetheart....if he's going to run away from you and his child, let him. You deserve a partner who has your back and doesn't ditch you because life is tough. You deserve a partner who values what you need, not just themselves. Your baby deserves a father who loves them and wants to be a part of their life. Loving someone who doesn't love you back, the way YOU need, isn't worth it. Is this the future you want forever if he doesn't change?
Been resisting the urge to say this, but mangocrossing you got to let that Man GO!
Puns apart tho, I felt kind of bad looking into her previous posts - there are several on different threads mentioning his desire to go golfing with his friends 4 weeks after her baby was due, him getting involved in emotional infidelity, his other habits, and his engagement in OF. While I honestly go believe in seeing the best in someone, OP has talked out a lot of issues with the guy while he's allowed her to hurt on several occasions through his actions.
I really hope OP can come to terms and overcome everything, but there are a lot of unresolved issues. OP you're a strong woman and it's important to see what is good both for your mental health and your child's future. It seems like a vicious cycle of disappointment and reconciliation. I checked through previous posts to refrain from assuming anything, but you seem to keep forgiving while he does little to atone for his mistakes.
Do you want your son's life to be affected by this? Because it will be. Do you want your son to see your husband as an example of how an adult should be? That you don't have to take care of your massive mental health issues & self-medicate with drugs & alcohol?
I understand you love him & don't want to divorce but your son comes first now. Be the mom he deserves.
Let him run, if you keep trying to hold on while he’s running, he’ll only yank you to the floor. You’ve tried for so long so it’s better to dip while the kid is still young.
I have ADHD and am in grad school to be a therapist. Your husband does have the capability to fight for stuff. But he’s developed a schema of avoidance because of the experiences he had growing up with ADHD like constantly forgetting stuff and being embarrassed about it. It’s also easy to convince yourself it is impossible to keep up with everything when ADHD is making everyday tasks hard and anxiety is telling you that everyone is going to leave you or hate you because of these challenges. Although this is an ADHD and anxiety problem that can be partially helped with medication, what he is really struggling with is a behavioral problem. He needs to be in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy specifically (there are variations like mCBT and DBT which may also be effective). Additionally, it sounds like he might have an addiction problem which may also need to be addressed but I’d need more info to know if that’s the case. You are absolutely NTA. Your husband is also NTA, he is struggling and treating him like he’s an asshole because of his mental health will not be helpful. Having said this, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t create your own boundaries and enforce them. If he is not living up to your standards it is ok to voice that in a compassionate way. But don’t treat it like a punishment and always make sure to frame it as self-protection when you explain why.
You need to cut him loose. He has substance abuse issues, and you are enabling him, not helping him. He will probably threaten suicide- the en call the cops and put him on a psychiatric hold. You can't handle him, your child, your job, and taking care of a household.
I've got ADHD, I understand that flight response all too well, but you cannot save him from himself!
He needs to find his own way, hopefully that will mean finding his feet and becoming the partner and parent you all need him to be. Either way, you need to do what's best for you and your baby.
He’s an adult and you’re not his mom. You have a child you are raising. Think about it, why would your husband get a job when you are paying all of the bills, including his? You need to decide the next steps for YOU and your son.
Is this the environment you want to raise your kid in? Do you want your husbands behaviors to be seen as what your son should be when he grows up? Put that into perspective
Because that's the path he knows well. His anxiety is telling him that something bad might happen and by not doing what he's afraid of, he's reinforcing his anxiety.
And therapy for anxiety is tough. You constantly have to face what gives you anxiety. Which is difficult in case of GAD, because it's, ya know, general, and not like "I'm afraid of spiders, so that's the only thing I have to avoid." And the more he avoids the more triggers he will have.
The best time for anxiety therapy was yesterday, because the longer he doesn't go, the more he'll reinforce it.
BUT: About 99% of people in therapy for anxiety want to quit their therapy at least once. (Source: my therapist) Because you have to do what you're running away from. And that sucks. Big times. But if you don't face your anxiety, it will only get worse.
And you have to decide for yourself (and your kid!!!) if that is the life you want to live.
ETA: I have been in therapy for GAD. Yes, I wanted to quit.
So instead you're willing to carry his dead weight and an infant? He's not your partner, he's your child. I'd give him the ultimatum to eithet get clean, get help, get a job, and start pulling his weight; or leave, because honestly, you're not the selfish one in that relationship, but you should be.
Speaking as a neurodivergent person, the ADHD has nothing to do with his behaviour.
A pregnancy is often the trigger for abusive behaviour and his behaviour is abusive.
I agree with the others, you need to put down firm boundaries and give this an end date.
What he is doing is absolutely not ok.
One can absolutely be neurodivergent and one can struggle with big changes, but completely weaselling out of one’s responsibilities is not ok. He is using his ADHD as an excuse and his mother is an enabler.
NTA.
Cut them both off and raise your child alone. You will be much happier.
I hope this doesn’t come off harsh, but it sounds like what you’re saying here is you know he *won’t* choose you, so you’re not going to ask him to choose. Why would *you* want to choose him if he won’t choose you? I get that it’s scary to be alone, but as a newly single mom to a toddler, I can promise you, it’s not that bad. I’m much happier now just me and my daughter than I was when I was trying to manage a relationship with a low-effort partner.
Want to know what I’m most afraid of? Shared custody. He’s incompetent and doesn’t even do anything to take care of him now. But his mom and step dad have money and I feel like he’d fight me very hard in court just to spite me.
Then you need to start documenting everything. How many pediatrician appointments has he been to, for example? Try calling a domestic violence shelter for lawyer recommendations. They'll have knowledge about the way to go about getting custody
What you do have in your favor is his not getting adequate help for his mental condition. You posted 15 minutes ago to someone else that he cancelled his third appointment to a therapist(?). Like Full \_Number3810 said **"you NEED to document EVERYTHING"**!!! Document from the time he quit his job upon your becoming pregnant. How he won't hold onto a job (how many times he's been hired and quit for no reason). How many times have he cancelled appointments for his getting help. How many times have he refused your suggestion that he needs help. How he lives off of handouts from his parents. How you pay/paid most of the bills including using your maternity pay to do so. How he interacts with the baby and how baby acts when he is around. You need date, time, what was said by you both (be honest), what action/inaction was taken by you both and anything else that you think is of significance. Important part of this: Make sure you keep your documentation in a safe place where he can't access it. Then **RUN!!!**
You need to adopt his "flight" approach and take the baby and leave. This isn't a healthy environment for the baby nor for you. Your husbands lack of accountability is affecting your emotional/mental/financial wellbeing. Your credit, since you're married, might also be affected.
Give him the ultimatum and follow through. You're already navigating as a single mom; drop the dead weight and ficus on being the best mom possible.
Time longer you stick it out, the worse position you will be in financially. You should make sure you don't have any joint accounts or cards, and that you have clear proof of ownership for really expensive things like vehicles. I'm not saying your husband will, but others have taken out huge loans on joint accounts or in their partners name.
Hes contributing Nothing. Make sure he isn't in a position to saddle you with his growing debt. Tbh you might want to have a quick chat with a lawyer anyway, you may be on the saddle for some of it as his spouse, depending on where you are. In which case you're not paying it now, could just mean you will pay it later. With interest. That's not a suggestion that you should be paying it by the way. If money is tight, you can ask on r/legaladvice. It's best to be informed.
I don't mean to add more stress, but you need to look out for yourself. Because he isn't doing it.
If that’s the case, then it will never get better — he will always do this because you tolerate the behavior. You and your kid will be better off without the emotional and financial drain. Honestly ask yourself, what is he contributing to the relationship? Does he make your life better in any way?
I get that you are scared that he will leave but think about your future. Do you want your child to have a deadbeat father living in the same house not doing anything. Do you want this kind of values instilled in your kid? Do you want to see your child suffer because his dad wouldn’t give him comfort when he needs it? If this kind of future scares you more, let him leave.
> I feel he’d be too stubborn to get help and come back.
Where is the downside to this? I see zero Pros to having him around. He does nothing but further burden you and when you want to do something nice for yourself he guilt trips you.
Girl, he's making the decisions for you. Why do you want to force someone who doesn't want to stick around in tough times to stick around? It's honestly surprising you married him in the first place given he's not the "through thick and thin" type.
Hello, someone with severe ADHD, anxiety, and depression here. (Please note any opinions I give here are mine alone. I'm not a doctor or professional)
He sounds like I do when life gets hard. I shut down, don't prioritize things like a job, rent etc. It's easy for me to get overwhelmed and immediately say "fuck this" until the very last minute, then I'm stressing to clean up the mess I had 3 weeks to clean up.
I'm not sympathizing for him, his actions affect you too. But work with him.
I have all three of the conditions you mentioned as well, but at some point (now, OP), the other people have to do what's best for themselves (& child). My mental health is mine to manage, just as her husband's is for himself. She is simply enabling him at this point when she needs to focus on what's best for her child, which isn't having a deadbeat, alcoholic father who isn't in treatment. OP, you may hate the idea, but you have to concern yourself with what's best for yourself & child and continuing to allow your husband to effectively do nothing isn't good for anyone.
Then it's, sadly, only a matter of time before he leaves :(
If he cannot even try therapy before a new born baby arrives, he won't after.
You have to give him 1 last chance, to start therapy + get a job, or leave. And be prepared for him to leave, don't bluff it.
Good luck!
That is a very loving and compassionate concern of yours. You do have to put your baby before him and make decisions that protect your baby's future. You may find it helpful to talk to both a therapist and a family law lawyer to help you decide what your options are. I don't know if you can protect your child's (and your) well-being in ways that don't push him away, but those are the folks who can tell you. If not, then you have to let him choose his path; you can't save him from himself. I'm sorry that something derailed him, but you cannot "put yourself (and your baby) on fire to keep him warm" - to paraphrase the saying.
This. OP, sit down with her husband, "You need help. You need to see a therapist, stop drinking, and doing weed, and become a partner. If you can't eventually do those things, you need to move out, and we need to separate. We need to create a timeline together for you to see a therapist, etc." If he's open to a plan, create one, and hold him to it. If he doesn't do what he's supposed to, tell him he needs to leave. If he isn't open to working on this situation, have him leave now.
NTA and why does he need a vehicle if he doesn't even have a job?
I'd tell him I'll help him catch up on his truck if he gets a job, otherwise he doesn't need it.
If you can afford it really enough, you might be better off having your own car that does take the car seat.
If you take over paying for the truck, he ends up with no responsibility. But if you don't, you risk not having any transport.
NTA. But, you need to seek out an Alanon group for those dealing with people who have addictions. Try once again to have your hubby agree to counseling. If he refuses, for the sake of your child, remove yourself from the situation and contact a lawyer for advise. You can only help those who want it. Baby comes 1st
When I was doing my family medicine rotation in training, my supervisor encouraged me to go to AA and AlAnon meetings in the community to see what non-medical supports were out there. I attended and didn’t speak but felt totally welcome to come and observe, and I would have been welcome to participate if I felt like it. Most people I know who have gone have had similar experiences too. Best of luck!
Kinda different but the same. I have OCD and have been a regular weed smoker. It absolutely has an effect on his ADHD and whatever the medication is doing the weed/alcohol is combating in the opposite way.
You can absolutely go and just listen until your are comfortable. Try a few meetings. Some are better "fits" than others. Good luck! If you can get your husband to go to counseling, I'd suggest couple's counseling. It was essential when my spouse became seriously depressed during the pandemic. It took the pressure off me to say "something is wrong here." Which of course I was saying, but it had more impact coming from someone else.
You don’t need to talk to anyone! You can just sit in the back and listen. May need to introduce yourself but that would be it. People only speak in meetings if they are comfortable.
In formal Al-anon meetings where people follow the program, they do not give advice to stay or leave. You will learn how to take care of yourself (letting our loved ones deal with the consequences of their actions, not enabling, setting boundaries, etc etc). The focus is on YOU and your own recovery/wellbeing.
The subreddit is great in that people provide a ton of great experience and hope, but since it is informal, there are some people that give straight on advice. Don’t let that deter you from either. Al-anon is fantastic.
Check out online options. You may find enough benefit from online versions where you only have to interact as much as you want and/or you may get up the courage to go in person.
i just wanted to say that cannabis addiction is also a problem, Narcotics Anonymous could help him. they don't care what drugs you do, or how much. they've helped me. good luck.
Maybe try SMART, they have a great friends and family programme. I myself completed it and can say it helped me immensely with boundaries, communication, and much more.
This is one of the quotes i was given, and i still refer to it when needed.
"Consider a lighthouse. It stands on the
shore with its beckoning light, guiding ships
safely into the harbour. The lighthouse can't
uproot itself, wade out into the water, grab
the ship by the stern and say, "Listen, you
fool! If you stay on this path you may break
up on the rocks!" No. The ship has some
responsibility for its own destiny. It can
choose to be guided by the lighthouse. Or,
it can go its own way. The lighthouse is not
responsible for the ship's decisions All it can
do isbethe best lighthouse it knows how to
be"
It is not your responsibility to fix him, he has to want to fix himself. You right now need to put your own mental health first for the sake of your child.
I was the child of an addict and ended up having children with an addict. The damage they do is deep and leaves life long scars. You also have to consider what you are modeling to your child of what a relationship is and how men and women treat each other. Would you be happy if your child was in a relationship similar to you?
Good luck this is a process only you can undertake, do not let him derail your decision at any time, as right now he has no consequences for his actions as you are still there every day enabling him. The minute this changes, he will not be happy, he doesnt care about losing you, it is more about losing his image/ being exposed and losing his cash machine.
There may also be virtual meetings you could try to start, if you have a place that’s private. At least to see what it’s like if you’re nervous.
But. You’ve been dealing with a lot in the last year. He’s done emotional cheating, you’ve been considering AlAnon for a year at least, and he was wanting to go on a golf trip when you were due to be less than a month postpartum- don’t know if he went or not, or where the money for *that* came from.
If you sat and wrote a list of what he provides to the relationship and your life versus the negatives he brings and the burdens he puts on you… how much longer would the negative list be than the positive?
It’s actually great. I know you’re nervous but think of it as the first day to a new school. It really helps with the shame and anger of dealing with someone like your husband. Most of the stories are going to be some of the worst and saddest shit you’ll hear, but the rest will sound very similar to you. The best part is knowing you aren’t crazy or a bad person for wanting something better. Like with my mom, she’s bi polar so she has high, highs and low, lows. Even if the person has done something great you know what comes next. But how do you teach your mom how to mom!? Why can’t she take meds go to therapy and not fly off the handle with tequila at my graduation? You know that a parent protects and provides for their child from the very beginning so why couldn’t she? I now know I can’t! I’m not supposed to, need to, have to, to be a good person to them, I’m supposed to be a good person and that starts with me loving myself. It’s ok and damn well deserved to live happy life. My mom is still lying to everyone, except me. She can’t lie to me if I never talk to her to hear it.
NTA. This money is a gift from your father to you personally.
But I'm afraid you have far bigger problems than the choice between salon and truck payment. Can you contact his family for (non-financial) support? Some sort of intervention, perhaps? Does he have a best friend who could advise him? Your husband needs help and this situation isn't healthy for you or your child either.
Absolutely positively NTA. If he’s not willing to get the help he needs both for his mental health and his drinking, I think it’s time to reevaluate the relationship. What are you getting out of it? You’re basically a single parent to your child who supports and raises him. You pay all your own bills while he drinks and smokes weed. He’s being selfish for not getting the proper treatment and not having a job. YWBTA to yourself if you allow it to continue without any consequences
And sadly, his choices will affect her financially for some time to come. NTA OP. I hope you can get your finances separated so you don’t end up with all his debt if that is even possible.
NTA - gift money from family is a major exception to the "it's all our money" rule.
If your favorite aunt sends you a gift card, your SO should have never expectation that they can just grab it and get something for themselves any more than if it was a physical gift they could take it for themselves.
Everyone needs a few things that are theirs and no one else.
I’d say yes but I’m also not sure. I don’t know if he drinks because of all that’s happening or everything is happening because he drinks. I do know he drinks too much (for context, about 3-6 tall cans of beer per day)
Every bit of alcohol is too much on those medications… I also have medication for ADHD and anxiety and I made the mistake once to enjoy a glass of wine, I was so so tired after that one glass that I fell asleep immediately after and had a headache afterwards… and I just forgot about the „no alcohol“ part. Never again. Besides, depending on the medication it can be really dangerous. Mine says that it can lead to stopped breathing if you drink too much. He really needs help before he damages himself too much, but you also need help. And if you need to be away from him, that’s totally fine. If you feel like you can’t help him, that’s also okay. I know it’s hard, but you have to look out for yourself and your baby. Your well-being is just as important as his. What he is doing is damaging you as well. I am so sorry for what you are going through.
omg are my anxiety meds the reason I suddenly get hungover and sensitive after drinking? I used to boast that I'm usually really lucky with not really struggling with hangovers, but these last few months...
I am not a medical professional, but it is likely from what I know. Besides, certain medications (like SSRI for example) can react really badly with alcohol, so you shouldn’t drink it anyway while on medication. You can always look up your medication + alcohol and see how it could react, as there are many different types and they are all different in how they can react.
Ugh. NTA but with this info, I think you seriously need to consider separating which is a horrible thought with a baby. But you may find it easier to let go of caregiving an adult as well as a child.
NTA. I hate to call your husband an asshole when he may be struggling with addiction and depression. But even if he has both of these issues, he can still be an asshole.
You two need to get counseling at a minimum. You need to decide if this marriage is worth the work for you. Don't let yourself get sucked down into your husband's whirlpool.
"he has ADH and anxiety medication but with the drinking I’m not sure if it even works properly. "
Oh honey... it doesn't "not work properly" it makes both anxiety and adhd worse. 😮💨
I'll tell you what *should* happen.
He sees a doctor (pysch) tells them he's been drinking on meds. He'll be told to get off the meds for now and get sober. Once the doc trusts his sobriety he can go back on meds.
Well, I say sobriety but I mean abstinence. Complete and absolute abstinence.
They'll tell you to drop most coffee on these meds 😮💨. Nevermind alcohol, double for persistent use!
Like, I'm thinking...
Adhd meds, there are some that aren't stimulants so he could be on those... They're used way more on younger people though, and they are more likely to give anxiety related side effects, so those that have that comorbidity tend to go on stimulants.
So, most likely it's Adderall adjacent for adhd. Not *the* worst med to mix with alcohol but definitely not one you can go around ignoring doctor's orders all willy nilly.
Anxiety meds. These I know less about, but enough to know that it's probably benzos.
Benzos... and alcohol... 😮💨 definitely an easy way to overdose. I only took benzos for half a year and I still remember that warning.
Now, benzos, alcohol AND adderall?
NTA time for an altimatum I think. He gets help, and actually works at it, or you get a divorce lawyer. You currently have no partner and two children. That's no way to live. He needs to be an adult and parent or gtfo
NTA. If he refuses to seek help or contribute to your house you need to kick him out. Unfortunately addicts don't change until they don't have other options and he seems like he's fallen into addiction if he can't be bothered to pay his truck payment because he's blowing all his (borrowed) money of booze and weed. Don't put up with his behavior.
Also. I have (had?) really serious mental health issues. It helps absolutely no one to fall into the hole with him.
Yes it's fucking hard. Much fucking harder than most that haven't gone through it give it credit for:
But, HE'S MAKING HIS ILLNESS WORSE BY DRINKING ON MEDS! You're not ready for abstinence? then.dont.go.on.meds.
I just can't get over that part.
Not only, but you ending up broke will not help 🙃.
He can't manage to keep the truck right now? That's okay, sell it.
He can't quit drinking right now? Quit the meds.
He can't be a stand up dad? Try his best.
I've been in a hole that was, frankly, a lot worse than what you describe (minus the having a kid, I didn't), it sucks, beyond what words can describe. It's okay for him to not be his absolute best right now.
You're even willing to support him! That's very "in sickness and in health" of you! Very nice. However, while the sickness may not be self inflicted (which it srsly isn't)... it might as well be as long as he drinks on meds. 😮💨
That's a depression and anxiety cocktail.
I had alcohol abuse problems, I'm on meds. And you .fucking.quit.for.good.before.you.get.on.them! In fact, you find the meds that make you not need to drink.
As a mentally ill person that has been in an even deeper hole that your husband, NTA.
As a personal note to you I will tell you something... I've personally never been drunk on meds... but I know for a fact he's not thinking anywhere close to straight right now.
He's drowning out at sea, you're throwing a rope, which makes you a stand up human.You should in no case throw yourself in, it won't help and you'll be hurt. If he REFUSES to swim where there are safeguards you have to either let him drown or get others involved that are trained to jump in and manage those situations. In no case are you TA.
I sympathize with him to an extent, brain chemistry is POTENT af. That sympathy ends where you over him a therapist and he refuses.
Thank for you taking the time to reply with such detail. I see a lot of people mentioned an intervention. I’m in Canada for reference. Do you know if you can MAKE someone check into rehab or get other forms of help?
You can. And if that's the route you decide to go by I will not fault you. In fact, I understand your feelings completely.
He will, more than likely, not be as understanding and FOR YOUR HEALTH you need to be prepared for that before hitting the trigger.
What I will tell you aswell is that forced interventions and rehabs have abismal success rates (voluntary ones already have pretty bad ones). So, please, don't get your expectations too high, once again for your health.
In my country, a family member of a patient can inform a doctor that they are consuming alcohol on medication (that you aren't supposed to). The doctor will probably then ask for some level of proof and take away the prescriptions if that is the case.
I will warn you right now, this will make him getting medication in the future harder. So only do it after exhausting any options that would avoid the doctor finding out.
Unless he displays suicidal behaviour (if he starts, keep a record, if I remember you have to show persistence, otherwise they won't keep him long in the watch ward) or you want to go the court ordered therapy that's as much forcing as you can do.
There's also the "tell his mum" option, does she know he's drinking on meds? Does she understand how bad that is? If you inform her of how much he's harming himself by drinking on meds she might step in. If she is anti meds in general I don't super recommend it, but it's worth a try if he won't listen to you.
Here's a reputable source to show them both:
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/expert-answers/antidepressants-and-alcohol/faq-20058231
And a personal testimony of alcohol abuse:
https://www.rethink.org/news-and-stories/blogs/2022/11/alcohol-the-bad-medicine-natashas-story/
Here is a link to some Canada-based resources (they’re closer to the bottom of the page) as well as some detailed advice for talking to your husband and who can send him for evaluation. I hope it’s a good start for you.
[Resources here](https://www.camh.ca/en/health-info/guides-and-publications/when-a-family-member-is-unwilling-to-seek-help)
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I believe I may be the asshole because I did not give my husband the $150 I saved from my dad to help with his bills, but instead made an appointment for me to get my hair done.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Your husband is allowing his disorder to take over both your lives and he has to make changes. It's very common for people with ADHD and anxiety to self medicate with rec drugs and you are correct that this will be affecting the results of his other medications. I'm not a doctor, but I live this. I can tell you what helped me but ultimately your husband needs to desire, seek, and find his own help. Boundaries are an act of love - it is both reasonable and demonstrates that you care about him - and you need to not accept this wretched behaviour. (Not saying he is a bad person, I deeply know his pain but also come the FRIG on my man, this is NOT who you wanna be.)
EDIT: to add advice - finding the right balance of meds for ADHD+anxiety is tricky because the thing that usually works best for ADHD (stimulant) can aggravate anxiety. Personally I have not yet found an anxiety medication that works better than cannabis, but I managed to cut out drinking and lying and harm reduction is a good model that works for most people so I'm happy with myself and my progress. I'm talking to my doctor about how to transition off cannabis onto something else. (I'm lucky to live somewhere it's legal and I can do that, also I don't have to pay money to see my doctor.) Most anxiety meds say you shouldn't drink so there's a lot of them I was scared to try until I was confident about not drinking. (Another fun little way anxiety traps you in anxiety.)
Meds lose their effectiveness even if you are using them right.
Meds aren't magic, you have to pay attention to yourself, make good choices, and build new pathways. Your brain is a big magic electric meatsack that can do souch more than we know but it only works if you work it.
Good luck to you both! I hope y'all find peace and harmony and healing.
My girl, this isn't about the money. I mean, it is, but it's about more than the money.
You have a child now and need to think of them-- you can't raise a child with an addict. You can't. And Mr. Keeps Spending Money On Beer And Weed is an addict right now. His drinking and smoking is interfering with his life by costing him money he doesnt have. You need to drop an ultimatuim: he deals with his addictions, or you leave.
NTA. Not even a little. I know first hand how crippling anxiety can be. But that’s not an excuse to be a shitty father and husband. I’m not gonna tell you what to do with your life OP, but if it was mine, I would probably impose a break in the relationship until he can work on himself some.
NTA Mentally ill or not he dug himself into this hole and now he needs to dig himself out. Sometimes you have to let the person hit rock bottom before they'll finally go get the proper help they need. It sounds like this with your husband.
NTA. I get that he has issues but we all have issues. Adults do what is needed to take care of them and he’s not doing that. Giving him the money would only enable him and it wouldn’t be the last time. You need to think about you and your baby and if staying married to him is really what’s best for you both.
NTA
Look, I have ADHD too. I get it. It can be _really_ fucking hard sometimes. It's draining. But he can't keep using it as an excuse to avoid his responsibilities to you and your kid.
You need to sit down with him and work something out. Don't let him continue to behave this way.
Now, this could be a stretch but he may also be depressed. It's a very common side effect of ADHD.
He's basically leeching off of you at this point. He NEEDS therapy and you have to let him know.
Everyone is different and life can be hard but your husband needs to wake up and realize he has a literal kid that he's refusing to help take care of. You need to give him a wake.up call to the reality he's living in. He'll continue to behave like this if you don't put your foot down.
He canceled his therapy appointment tonight. Third ones he’s canceled now so I guess I’ll be figuring out how to get sole custody of my son because I’ll be damned if my incompetent husband shares custody with me. My son won’t even eat if he’s the one feeding him.
Not bizarre to me. I was planned and my father lost his mind when I was born. My parents were married for 5 years before they started trying. My dad had ambition, was thinking about going back to school, had the makings of a good career. Once I was born *boom* completely different person. Just because it's planned doesn't mean it won't cause a mental breakdown.
This guy actually reminds me of my dad aside from the drinking. My dad hasn't made more than a fresh college graduate in 45 years. I used to joke that my goal in life was to make more than my dad. First job out of college, made more than him. Now I make twice as much as he ever did.
Worst part, my mom is still with him. She had no support system when I was born so she couldn't leave. Now it's been so long she's just waiting for him to die. We all know he would be homeless if he had to care for himself. He almost died when my mom stopped cooking for him and all he could make for himself was canned soup and cold cut sandwiches. He almost had a stroke. He's a fucking menace to the world. 70 year old man who can not do a single thing for himself.
NTA.
But you need to have the "shape up or ship out" talk with him... now.
I have to say though, and I hate to be judgmental but I just can't quite understand sooooo many Reddit stories here where people continue to procreate with unstable people (and apparently expect good outcomes).
.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, especially when that someone has a jacket but won't use it.
Also I hate it when people say it's like your raising two children it's not. Children usually learn and grow and want to make good decisions they just struggle with being new the world.
He isn't doing anything even close to that. He is being selfish and then gaslighting the hell out of her by pretending to be the victim.
I get it this timeline sucks and mental health issues are real but doing nothing will only make things worse and everyone knows that.
NTA
NTA
I am a little concerned you're not fully aware of the possible blowback if you do make him get help though reading some of your comments. (I've seen a couple where you're trying to ask if you can force him.)
Maybe you are aware, and I genuinely apologize if you are and this is stuff you have thought about.
I'm not saying nobody gets better when forced, but you seem oddly optimistic in some of your comments. I have concerns that you think if you force him into mental health help/rehab it definitely will make things better and he'll be the same as before all this started.
He could. He could also just get resentful. Or split (you mentioned he has no fight just flight). Or get sneaky.
I'm not saying this to tell you to not try to get him help or something, but I'm just not sure if you're aware of this stuff or not. The sad fact is that people have to be ready for and want help, even if it is deep down and they need a big push. You can't force people to get better if they really don't want to, regardless of how unfair that fact is.
Things could get better, or they could get much worse. I just worry about you pinning all your hopes on some idealized version of how this all works.
NTA.
But you and his immediate family (mum etc.) Need to sit him down and have an intervention.
You O/P can only swim for so long before you drown. Don't let it get to that. Therapy for him, family counseling, AA meetings, whatever it takes to get this family back on the right track.
P.s. I hope you get your haircut 😊
NTA -- are you sure your husband isn't abusing substances? Sounds like my brother before we found out he was addicted to opiates and his life came crashing down. If you don't know what to look for it is surprisingly easy to miss the signs. We were shocked in the moment, but felt dumb looking back like duh, how didn't we know? You should go to CVS and get an over the counter drug test to see if he will take it.
NTA. Giving him money would be enabling him.
Also, time to pull the plug on this relationship. If he isn’t going to fix his shit, you need to move on.
I saw you say you like to see the best in people. You know what that is? It’s a crutch. It’s an excuse to ignore all of his red flags and an excuse to hold no boundaries for yourself. Is he a great guy? Maybe. Is he being a great guy? No.
What you do from here is your choice but ignoring who is his right now is not noble. It’s not in your best interest, nor is it in his.
I’m so sorry you’re faced with this right now. It’s not fair and you can’t do anything t change him. You can only control what you do. Protect yourself and protect your baby. Go get your hair done and then figure out how the hell to get out of this mess.
I'm really curious as to what exactly your husband is contributing to this marriage? You pay for everything and take care of your child. What does he do?
NTA
I was in a situation similar to this 3 years ago. I also happen to work in the mental health field (substance abuse counselor). I tried and tried AND TRIED to get him to get help and he refused. We had mental health coverage with my insurance that was absolutely 100% covered, no copays, nothing, and he still refused. He said, "I like being like this." I eventually left. His life did not get any better and I watched what my life would've become had I stayed. He passed away 2 years ago, and I fought with myself over guilt for a long time, but I now know I did what was right. I'm also thankful our kids were grown and out of the house, so they didn't have to go through it. If he won't get help, do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your child. Your mental health matters, too.
First and foremost NTA.
Unfortunately, I was in a similar situation with my first husband and had to just walk away - more so for my kids than for myself. It was no longer a healthy relationship, and I realized I couldn't take care of our kids AND the adult. He refused to get help, he refused to contribute, he refused to do anything to better himself.
My final moment was coming home from work to find our youngest in his crib with poop spread all over - screaming his poor little head off and my (now ex) husband on his computer playing an online video game with his headphones on - completely ignoring the children.
I left him, my ex, in his room playing his game. I grabbed the baby and cleaned him up, put him on a fresh diaper and set of clothes. Grabbed my daughter, put them in the truck and drove away.
It took him THREE days to realize we were all gone. I had already filed for divorce at this point and was over all of it. I was scared and upset but I could not let my kids be raised by this person any longer. They deserved better, I deserved better.
He rant and raved about what a terrible mistake I was making - I almost believed him.
That was 20 years ago.... I am incredibly happy and was able to raise my kids in a loving caring home and they are some of the most amazing adults, and I couldn't be prouder. I found an amazing man that is my best friend and an incredible partner and father - we're celebrating 16 years :) I attribute our kids' success to the fantastic role model he has provided. We haven't heard from my ex-husband in 18 or so years and life could not be greater.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
So. Just to begin this, I firmly believe once you’re married or even in a committed relationship, the “my money is your money” saying applies.
Anywho, my husband has been struggling with mental health issues (ADHD and severe anxiety) on and off for about 3 years now and it’s gotten BAD when we moved back to our hometown about 2 years ago. He had a great paying job and would take days off here and there because of this, but overall enjoyed going and had no other issues. Fast forward to approx 19 months ago we found out I was preggo (now have a 9 month old). All of a sudden he couldn’t hold a job, would get a job and not even be able to go on the first day and was just lying to everyone about it (he’d tell his mom or whoever he’d been working). Eventually it got to a point where his account was overdrawn and he kept needing to borrow money from his mom. Just to be clear, I pay rent, utilities, groceries, both of our phone bills, his credit card payments all from my maternity leave money. The only things he’s responsible for are his truck payments and his insurance. His mom was giving him money every month for this but he kept spending it on beer and weed and so he’d need to keep borrowing more and last week she finally cut him off.
I had been BEGGING him to see a therapist this entire time and he has ADH and anxiety medication but with the drinking I’m not sure if it even works properly.
Anyhow here’s the AITA part. On top of being in the hole and not being able to dig himself out, instead of continuing to look for work or help provide for his family, he sleeps in and rarely helps with our son and when he does he’s so frustrated when our son is fussy and gives up. My dad has been sending me $20 here and there to do things for myself because I’m so stressed and I saved enough to get my hair done for the first time in years. My husband is now calling me an AH because I won’t give him the $150 I’ve saved to help with his truck payment and instead want to do something for me and get my hair done. So AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Your basically a married single mom.
Although I’m sure he does have mentally health issues, I find it convenient that they surfaced after you were locked into the relationship/marriage with a kid.
Your husband sounds like he's suffering from depression. It is possible for men to suffer from PPD. I think it's time to do your research & talk to a doctor bc he's not going to get any better without professional help. NTA
NTA. Your husband has ceased being a functioning partner in this relationship. He doesn't work, doesn't help with HIS child and is a financial black hole. You absolutely should get your hair done. Your dad didn't give you the money to throw down the drain for your husband. If you pay this month, what about next month????
I had something close enough to this. I set a hard limit to how much I would give her to spend while I paid all the bills. She left me with 3 boxes the next day.
It took me about a month to get into a place to live and buy cheap furniture. By month 3 I was experiencing financial security I had not had since the 3rd year of the 16 years together.
Your little one deserves security.
Okay, this is a really complex problem, but I would have to say NTA, without question. If the issue were relegated to mental health alone, it would be one thing. However, when you consider the substance use, it’s not only an issue of not contributing financially, but now he’s actively compromising the family financially and outright refusing to access supports regarding the problems he’s facing.
It’s absolutely true that substance use is a recognized disorder, and that your husband is sick, meaning that the disorder isn’t necessarily his fault. Unfortunately, it sounds like he’s not even acknowledging that there’s a problem there. I would sadly have to argue that this appears to be a situation in which you are being manipulated into enabling his drinking and avoiding mental health treatment. In the end, that won’t be good for either of you.
His best bet is probably gonna be a mental health professional and an AA meeting.
I really hope that you can get things sorted out, and that your husband can get back on his feet. Your family, each and every one of you, deserve it.
Definitely NTA. Sorry OP. Dude needs to man up and take control of his life and get to working on himself. Its ok to not be ok, but as the father/husband/man in the house, you need to be actively working on being better and being the leader of the household. You don't have to be perfect, but you should always be working on being better than you were the day before. It really sounds like he needs a major wake up call. Get some therapy, get up early and workout, develop a daily routine, take a cold shower, eat better, work on controlled breathing, cut out the booze....so many things he can be doing to better himself, build some discipline, and work on showing up more for his family.
I struggle with adhd, anxiety, ptsd, chronic depression… so I get it, it’s HARD. Both for you and your husband. This is a crappy situation to be in. Bailing him out won’t help him though. Closing credit cards so he can only spend cash he has might help not get into MORE debt, but still doesn’t address the core issue. Until he is willing to get help, nothing will work.
There is absolutely hope though. I’m a functioning person and have good therapy and meds, full time job, still paying off credit card debt from when I wasn’t doing well… but managing. Problem is, I was the one to decide to improve my situation. Until he does that, it’s gonna be rough.
For this specific situation, NTA. Get your hair done. His poor choices shouldn’t stop you from taking care of yourself.
NTA
Honestly, send him to live with his mom or anyone else.
He needs to shape up and he's not going to do it with you bc you have enabled him. He isn't seeking therapy and he is drinking instead of doing... anything.
You don't need another child.
It's clear he needs help and i'm not saying to just leave him but you need to separate for a little so he is forced to get back on his feet.
Amazing how you get pregnant and "all of a sudden" his issues prevent him from keeping or getting a job? Almost as if he felt you were less likely to leave him because of the baby and he was free to be the dead weight he always aspired to be
NTA. Get your hair done mama!! Cherish yourself! You deserve it and someone (cough, cough, your husband) isn’t stepping up to that plate.
You are beautiful and you deserve to feel it!
In a later comment you said he would choose flight over fight if you gave him an ultimatum.
My advice:
Let him flee then. See how quickly he will get a job when he has to pay his own way.
At the moment he has ZERO reason to change. He has his housing, food, electricity, heat, phone AND credit card debts paid for by YOU, who are also the ONLY parent actually parenting HIS child, while he spends his days and nights drinking and smoking weed.
Sounds like a really nice cozy life he has manipulated himself into there. Why would anyone want a sucky job when he doesn’t need to?
He has really succeeded in living his own sweet bum life on your dime and then he has the audacity to shame and guilt you for wanting to spend money you have been personally gifted for yourself on your first haircut in YEARS. Wow.
How many haircuts could all his weed have bought? How many haircuts could you have gotten if you didn’t have to finance 99% of his existence without getting anything but blame and entitlement in return? How many times did he pay for YOUR credit card debt or car payments?
Let him flee if he is dissatisfied with the change of terms. But you need to begin loving yourself more and expecting more from any partner.
Don’t stay “for the kid” or because you don’t want your child to grow up in a broken home. Honestly, it already seems broken and besides he is not even parenting at all.
NTA
NTA it's money given to you.
I don't condone his actions by any means and he needs to seek help. But I am leaning it might be a missing diagnosis based on actions and behaviors. He needs to get his shit together because I am leaning on conjecture but he's in a spiral or there's a missing diagnosis. I know your begging and there's only so much you can do.
NTA
Time to file for a divorce and get separated from his finances because when the truck gets repo'd, if your name is on the bill, it's on your credit.
You've got to prioritize yourself and baby.
Good. Get to an attorney. And double or triple the birth control (I recommend abstinance, but . . . .) -- do not get pregnant.
He's just going to keep draining you.
NTA.
I’m nosey and I looked through your post history. You have made numerous posts about your husband that is concerning. I hope you find the strength and way to leave this man.
I’m sorry that he has problems with drugs and alcohol but he will ruin your life and children’s life if you stay with him. You deserve more than this.
NTA maybe I'm just mean af but it seems like he waited till you were truly stuck with him (marriage n kid) to delve into his no work do weed plan. He doesnt even help with the kid when hes the none working parent.
Weed is not cheap these days. NTA. He is making some choices that are harming the entire family. The weed money alone would probably pay the car note. Alcohol and weed will negate the effects of just about any medications. This behavior is going to make OP sick from stress and eventually even cause the child to have behavioral issues. These types always seem to find another to mooch off of, until they get old and it’s not so cute anymore. Few people have sympathy for old ugly abusers.
Honey, your problems go way beyond getting your hair cut.
You need help. Either professional help for him, or a lawyer for yourself. Time to lay down the law about therapy vs divorce.
You have to protect your baby. Even the moment, he'll be affected by the tension in the house - do you want to bring him up in this atmosphere? Believing that this is okay/normal?
I know you love him and it's heartbreaking to watch him go downhill, but your first responsibility now is to your child. Cut the guy loose until he can prove that he's got his act together. Or send him home to his mother for starters.
OP I have been where you are. Leaving was one of the hardest decisions I ever made but once I was gone it was like a massive weight was lifted that I didn't even realize I'd been carrying.
NTA 1000x but I do hope you get out of this situation. You've got a whole life ahead of you.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. You did not properly respond to the judgement bot. Your reply must clearly and directly address why you think you may have wronged the other party involved in your conflict. While your post was automatically approved by the bot, after reviewing your response manually, we found it did not properly address the question. [Judgement Bot FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_judgement_bot) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
NTA - but you need to have an ultimatum with your husband. That he goes to get the help he needs, or you’re gone. And you need to stick with it. He’s refusing to get help for any of his medical issues, he’s not contributing financially, and he’s just accruing massive debt.
I agree but it’s scary because he has no “fight or flight”, he only has flight. He has run away from every single situation as soon as it gets difficult and I feel he’d be too stubborn to get help and come back.
Honestly? Your life will be easier if you give him the ultimatum, because you are currently parenting both a baby and a full grown adult who is acting like a petulant child.
[удалено]
She is, and the larger one is going to become more and more a problem that never resolves until he's a boat anchor around her neck that drowns her completely. She's already submerged. The question is whether she'll ever actually be able to drag herself out again.
He is drilling holes in the bottom of the boat.
And throwing down a concrete anchor ⚓, all the while yelling "SAVE ME!" at OP.
She is, and one of them is great at racking up credit debt
So you do all this for him and he sees so little value in it he's just going to let it go? Like he can't even fight for his financial lifeline, wife and child? What about your life would actually be worse without him?
And if she’s paying ALL THE BILLS now imagine how much cheaper life would be buying less groceries and electricity less everything! So much stress just alleviated day one. And if she divorces him soon then she won’t have to deal with possibly paying him alimony because she’s on leave.
I remember Ann Landers used to ask *Are you better off with him or without him?*
This. I know four women with children who were concerned about seeking divorce if their husbands didn’t shape up, only to find that their lives were so much easier without a full-grown baby to take care of on top of handling their careers and caring for their actual children. Spouses who don’t do their share are oh-so draining.
Agreed, I'm a SAHM and if my hubby lost his job tomorrow I would go back to work instantly if it was the only way for us to make money BUT the rule is he needs to POSITIVELY contribute to the household so if I'm the one working he needs to step up and say "don't worry about the kids and housework, I got this." OPs hubby isn't doing that and is actually contributing NEGATIVELY to the household by increasing mental and financial stress and burden on OP. OP, stop worrying about your hubby right now. Look at your financials and see if you can financially survive on your own as a single mum. If the answer is yes, then at least ask for a "trial separation" if you think the marriage is worth trying to save, and then if your hubby doesn't get off his a$$ and get help and a job, well you will already be in a good position to divorce him and get full custody.
This. Your duty is towards your child now, as his should be. But his isn’t, so in order to keep your child in the happiest, most stable of homes possible, you have to make him choose. What he chooses is up to him, but you need to choose your child’s welfare instead of splitting your energies towards someone who refuses to get help. oh, I have ADHD/CPTSD. I know the struggle. And I get my ass up every day and fight to be the best parent I can be for my kid, which includes medical care. He can do it. Whether he chooses to is up to him.
[удалено]
Yeah, it is about more than the money - it’s about his lack of respect for her time, money, and clearly for her as a person. The resentment is going to destroy this relationship eventually if he doesn’t get his shit together.
Then let him choose "flight". I have mental health issues, pretty severe ones; I need to work very hard to function. Yes, partners help and support one another, but a person has to bei willing to do the work and help themselves. Do you want to be in the same situation 10yrs from now? Where you "stayed together for the baby"?
Agreed. My fiancee has ADHD and BPD but she makes sure to take her meds, doesn't drink to excess, and goes to therapy to make sure she stays on top of it. I do support her in many ways, but I'm happy to do so because I can see the effort she makes to keep on top of herself and improve herself (going back to school, getting a steady job, etc). In this case, the hubby isn't doing any of that, and OP needs to realize she and her child deserve better
Then he needs to stay gone. Right now all he's doing is causing you stress.
It sucks and I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but that’s not your fault nor is it your problem. You need to focus on doing what’s best for you and your son. Your husband is a financial and emotional burden on you right now. I know you love him and you wish he’d get help, but you can’t help someone until they’re ready to get help and the life your living right now isn’t sustainable long term. So let him run and focus on giving your son the best life you can
This IS him running away. I have ADHD and anxiety and it seems obvious to me that you getting pregnant was a huge stressor to him in his mind (also 3 years is the pandemic and that has been hard on a lot of our mental health). Neither ADHD or anxiety are static, the more stressed and overwhelmed we are the wise or symptoms are… but you are describing something over and above an excess of stress causing a symptom spike. Lying. Drinking. Bailing on all responsibilities. You are describing him trying to run away while still being physically present - he’s already run away. Also, it sounds highly likely to me that the more he dug himself into a corner and the more distressed about that he’s gotten he seems to have reached full on depression. He’s already tapped out on you and it doesn’t look like he’s going to take any action to address all this on his own. If he never gets his act together, if he just keeps on keeping in like this, can you spend the next ten years like this (with finances getting worse and worse which is inevitable)? And how many years are you willing to throw away to this with your resentment only growing before you finally take a stand? It’s going to better for all of you if you are it now. And if he’s going to physically bail… that’s what he’s going to do but he’s already abandoned you, you just have his physical body.
I have adhd , anxiety and depression as well. He is definitely in a depressive episode and had absolutely run away. He isn’t even helping with the baby and become easily frustrated (mood swings) with baby. Honestly if he refuses help and continues to drink and smoke it doesn’t look good for mom and baby. I’d give an ultimatum. Get help or we get divorced and have a plan ready for help if he chooses help. He might need to do some inpatient treatment for awhile.
NTA, and this is one of those AITA posts where I actually believe you should give him an ultimatum between getting therapy or leaving him. Depending on what medications he’s on, the alcohol is likely going to cause him to become depressed sending him into a downward spiral if the weed hasn’t already negated the effects of the medication anyway. IIRC smoking weed with adderall or Ritalin can increase your chances of psychotics episodes as well, but I’m not 100% on that. Ultimately, the longer it goes on, the worse it’s going to get. If he’s only just been diagnosed and treated three years ago, he’s gonna have detrimental behaviours that he’s lived with his entire life as a result of being untreated, and that’s more than likely going to take a therapist to unlearn. I was diagnosed and treated for ADHD two years ago, and although taking medication every day has significantly improved my life, I still have bad habits that are going to take time to break. Your husband may be going through a tough time dealing with it, but refusing therapy when his mental health is ruining his life is a massive problem
But op make sure they are actually going to therapy and not saying they are and not like they did with the job
…that’s the answer then OP. He isn’t willing to step up. And gee. When it comes to spending money on your own care while fully supporting him, yourself, his child, all the household labor and parenting labor He was pretty capable of fighting you on that wasn’t he?
That’s an excellent point!
You realize your life will be easier and richer without him right? Court order will get you your child support.
Believe me, FROM EXPERIENCE, people like this always figure out a way to take advantage of someone else. You kicking him out will get him a perfect story to find someone else he can mooch from, or you can send him back to his momma. Right now he's letting you be his parent, he's taking away from your family's financial needs to sit on his ass and smoke weed, and using his mental health issues to avoid stressful situations with your son, and that's not fair. No matter what he promises, he may try to change for a little while, but it will always go back to you taking care of him.
My dad was a drinker all his life until the family finally had enough after years and years of trying and gave him the ultimatum, AA and soberity or losing everything he cares about. Ultimatum's suck but sometimes, unfortunately are 100% necessary. My Dad succeeded and when he died was a sober man of almost a decade at age 74. They work and the burden he places on you won't get better
He has that "flight" only mode because as you stated someone has ALWAYS bailed him out. It's like a default safety switch... Run and the problem gets solved and you get your way. You have to be the one that doesn't cater to that nonsense. Marriage is about a partnership to build a life together, especially when kids are involved. If one partner can't get their shit together because they just want to ignore the problems it's going to drag the whole relationship down.
He's an adult who refuses to get help and has turned you into an enabler. He knows you'll keep taking care of him, so why change? You should separate from him for now. At this point you are a single mom of two toddlers since he's behaving like this, and its not fair that he's putting all the management of his mental health on you. It's his damn job to take care of himself and for your child. You might as well just take a break from him as you've been on your own for a while already. If he gives up, it's on him.
Who is your priority? Your infant child who literally needs you to survive? Or a fully grown adult who refuses to get help for his mental illness and is not only not contributing to raising his child, but actually makes things more difficult for you? No, this shouldn't be a choice that a mother and wife should ever have to make. But this is the situation right now.
Give him the ultimatum, because you'll be either in the exact same position or better either way. If he gets help, great! Yeah! That's what we like to see! But, if you leave, what'll change? You're already a single parent at this point
Sweetheart....if he's going to run away from you and his child, let him. You deserve a partner who has your back and doesn't ditch you because life is tough. You deserve a partner who values what you need, not just themselves. Your baby deserves a father who loves them and wants to be a part of their life. Loving someone who doesn't love you back, the way YOU need, isn't worth it. Is this the future you want forever if he doesn't change?
Been resisting the urge to say this, but mangocrossing you got to let that Man GO! Puns apart tho, I felt kind of bad looking into her previous posts - there are several on different threads mentioning his desire to go golfing with his friends 4 weeks after her baby was due, him getting involved in emotional infidelity, his other habits, and his engagement in OF. While I honestly go believe in seeing the best in someone, OP has talked out a lot of issues with the guy while he's allowed her to hurt on several occasions through his actions. I really hope OP can come to terms and overcome everything, but there are a lot of unresolved issues. OP you're a strong woman and it's important to see what is good both for your mental health and your child's future. It seems like a vicious cycle of disappointment and reconciliation. I checked through previous posts to refrain from assuming anything, but you seem to keep forgiving while he does little to atone for his mistakes.
You have to ask yourself do you want to live the rest of your life like this? What is he bringing to the table
Do you want your son's life to be affected by this? Because it will be. Do you want your son to see your husband as an example of how an adult should be? That you don't have to take care of your massive mental health issues & self-medicate with drugs & alcohol? I understand you love him & don't want to divorce but your son comes first now. Be the mom he deserves.
Let him run, if you keep trying to hold on while he’s running, he’ll only yank you to the floor. You’ve tried for so long so it’s better to dip while the kid is still young.
Being afraid that he will leave and not come back should say everything you need to hear.
I have ADHD and am in grad school to be a therapist. Your husband does have the capability to fight for stuff. But he’s developed a schema of avoidance because of the experiences he had growing up with ADHD like constantly forgetting stuff and being embarrassed about it. It’s also easy to convince yourself it is impossible to keep up with everything when ADHD is making everyday tasks hard and anxiety is telling you that everyone is going to leave you or hate you because of these challenges. Although this is an ADHD and anxiety problem that can be partially helped with medication, what he is really struggling with is a behavioral problem. He needs to be in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy specifically (there are variations like mCBT and DBT which may also be effective). Additionally, it sounds like he might have an addiction problem which may also need to be addressed but I’d need more info to know if that’s the case. You are absolutely NTA. Your husband is also NTA, he is struggling and treating him like he’s an asshole because of his mental health will not be helpful. Having said this, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t create your own boundaries and enforce them. If he is not living up to your standards it is ok to voice that in a compassionate way. But don’t treat it like a punishment and always make sure to frame it as self-protection when you explain why.
You need to cut him loose. He has substance abuse issues, and you are enabling him, not helping him. He will probably threaten suicide- the en call the cops and put him on a psychiatric hold. You can't handle him, your child, your job, and taking care of a household.
Cut the chord for your own sake and your child’s. Is dad going to run away every time something hard happens for your kid?
Then let him leave, he is adding so much stress to your life, whats the plus side?
I've got ADHD, I understand that flight response all too well, but you cannot save him from himself! He needs to find his own way, hopefully that will mean finding his feet and becoming the partner and parent you all need him to be. Either way, you need to do what's best for you and your baby.
He’s an adult and you’re not his mom. You have a child you are raising. Think about it, why would your husband get a job when you are paying all of the bills, including his? You need to decide the next steps for YOU and your son.
Is this the environment you want to raise your kid in? Do you want your husbands behaviors to be seen as what your son should be when he grows up? Put that into perspective
Because that's the path he knows well. His anxiety is telling him that something bad might happen and by not doing what he's afraid of, he's reinforcing his anxiety. And therapy for anxiety is tough. You constantly have to face what gives you anxiety. Which is difficult in case of GAD, because it's, ya know, general, and not like "I'm afraid of spiders, so that's the only thing I have to avoid." And the more he avoids the more triggers he will have. The best time for anxiety therapy was yesterday, because the longer he doesn't go, the more he'll reinforce it. BUT: About 99% of people in therapy for anxiety want to quit their therapy at least once. (Source: my therapist) Because you have to do what you're running away from. And that sucks. Big times. But if you don't face your anxiety, it will only get worse. And you have to decide for yourself (and your kid!!!) if that is the life you want to live. ETA: I have been in therapy for GAD. Yes, I wanted to quit.
So instead you're willing to carry his dead weight and an infant? He's not your partner, he's your child. I'd give him the ultimatum to eithet get clean, get help, get a job, and start pulling his weight; or leave, because honestly, you're not the selfish one in that relationship, but you should be.
Speaking as a neurodivergent person, the ADHD has nothing to do with his behaviour. A pregnancy is often the trigger for abusive behaviour and his behaviour is abusive. I agree with the others, you need to put down firm boundaries and give this an end date. What he is doing is absolutely not ok. One can absolutely be neurodivergent and one can struggle with big changes, but completely weaselling out of one’s responsibilities is not ok. He is using his ADHD as an excuse and his mother is an enabler. NTA. Cut them both off and raise your child alone. You will be much happier.
I hope this doesn’t come off harsh, but it sounds like what you’re saying here is you know he *won’t* choose you, so you’re not going to ask him to choose. Why would *you* want to choose him if he won’t choose you? I get that it’s scary to be alone, but as a newly single mom to a toddler, I can promise you, it’s not that bad. I’m much happier now just me and my daughter than I was when I was trying to manage a relationship with a low-effort partner.
Want to know what I’m most afraid of? Shared custody. He’s incompetent and doesn’t even do anything to take care of him now. But his mom and step dad have money and I feel like he’d fight me very hard in court just to spite me.
Then you need to start documenting everything. How many pediatrician appointments has he been to, for example? Try calling a domestic violence shelter for lawyer recommendations. They'll have knowledge about the way to go about getting custody
What you do have in your favor is his not getting adequate help for his mental condition. You posted 15 minutes ago to someone else that he cancelled his third appointment to a therapist(?). Like Full \_Number3810 said **"you NEED to document EVERYTHING"**!!! Document from the time he quit his job upon your becoming pregnant. How he won't hold onto a job (how many times he's been hired and quit for no reason). How many times have he cancelled appointments for his getting help. How many times have he refused your suggestion that he needs help. How he lives off of handouts from his parents. How you pay/paid most of the bills including using your maternity pay to do so. How he interacts with the baby and how baby acts when he is around. You need date, time, what was said by you both (be honest), what action/inaction was taken by you both and anything else that you think is of significance. Important part of this: Make sure you keep your documentation in a safe place where he can't access it. Then **RUN!!!**
Thank you. I have texts saved on my phone as proof of a few things but I’d like them all written out in one place chronologically so I’ll get in this.
This is a trauma response that he has been conditioned to. It won't resolve itself. He needs therapy.
Sounds like you are already taking care of the rest of your life, and you would be better off if he DID choose flight, and move in with his mother.
You need to adopt his "flight" approach and take the baby and leave. This isn't a healthy environment for the baby nor for you. Your husbands lack of accountability is affecting your emotional/mental/financial wellbeing. Your credit, since you're married, might also be affected. Give him the ultimatum and follow through. You're already navigating as a single mom; drop the dead weight and ficus on being the best mom possible.
Time longer you stick it out, the worse position you will be in financially. You should make sure you don't have any joint accounts or cards, and that you have clear proof of ownership for really expensive things like vehicles. I'm not saying your husband will, but others have taken out huge loans on joint accounts or in their partners name. Hes contributing Nothing. Make sure he isn't in a position to saddle you with his growing debt. Tbh you might want to have a quick chat with a lawyer anyway, you may be on the saddle for some of it as his spouse, depending on where you are. In which case you're not paying it now, could just mean you will pay it later. With interest. That's not a suggestion that you should be paying it by the way. If money is tight, you can ask on r/legaladvice. It's best to be informed. I don't mean to add more stress, but you need to look out for yourself. Because he isn't doing it.
Then let him it’s his choice
If that’s the case, then it will never get better — he will always do this because you tolerate the behavior. You and your kid will be better off without the emotional and financial drain. Honestly ask yourself, what is he contributing to the relationship? Does he make your life better in any way?
This is not ever going to happen. He's not going to get help. He's going to drag you down with him.
If you end up splitting up, your life will be easier because you won’t have to worry about him squandering money. He’s already not helping you parent.
What would be the loss in that?
I'll be honest here - your life will be better without this situation continuing. He is ALREADY refusing to get help.
I get that you are scared that he will leave but think about your future. Do you want your child to have a deadbeat father living in the same house not doing anything. Do you want this kind of values instilled in your kid? Do you want to see your child suffer because his dad wouldn’t give him comfort when he needs it? If this kind of future scares you more, let him leave.
> I feel he’d be too stubborn to get help and come back. Where is the downside to this? I see zero Pros to having him around. He does nothing but further burden you and when you want to do something nice for yourself he guilt trips you.
Is that really worse than the life you live right now?
Girl, he's making the decisions for you. Why do you want to force someone who doesn't want to stick around in tough times to stick around? It's honestly surprising you married him in the first place given he's not the "through thick and thin" type.
Hello, someone with severe ADHD, anxiety, and depression here. (Please note any opinions I give here are mine alone. I'm not a doctor or professional) He sounds like I do when life gets hard. I shut down, don't prioritize things like a job, rent etc. It's easy for me to get overwhelmed and immediately say "fuck this" until the very last minute, then I'm stressing to clean up the mess I had 3 weeks to clean up. I'm not sympathizing for him, his actions affect you too. But work with him.
I have all three of the conditions you mentioned as well, but at some point (now, OP), the other people have to do what's best for themselves (& child). My mental health is mine to manage, just as her husband's is for himself. She is simply enabling him at this point when she needs to focus on what's best for her child, which isn't having a deadbeat, alcoholic father who isn't in treatment. OP, you may hate the idea, but you have to concern yourself with what's best for yourself & child and continuing to allow your husband to effectively do nothing isn't good for anyone.
Then it's, sadly, only a matter of time before he leaves :( If he cannot even try therapy before a new born baby arrives, he won't after. You have to give him 1 last chance, to start therapy + get a job, or leave. And be prepared for him to leave, don't bluff it. Good luck!
That is a very loving and compassionate concern of yours. You do have to put your baby before him and make decisions that protect your baby's future. You may find it helpful to talk to both a therapist and a family law lawyer to help you decide what your options are. I don't know if you can protect your child's (and your) well-being in ways that don't push him away, but those are the folks who can tell you. If not, then you have to let him choose his path; you can't save him from himself. I'm sorry that something derailed him, but you cannot "put yourself (and your baby) on fire to keep him warm" - to paraphrase the saying.
This. OP, sit down with her husband, "You need help. You need to see a therapist, stop drinking, and doing weed, and become a partner. If you can't eventually do those things, you need to move out, and we need to separate. We need to create a timeline together for you to see a therapist, etc." If he's open to a plan, create one, and hold him to it. If he doesn't do what he's supposed to, tell him he needs to leave. If he isn't open to working on this situation, have him leave now.
NTA but it’s time to separate your finances and lives. This r/JustNoSO isn’t a partner or a parent.
I wouldn't bother with the ultimatum. Just pack up and go.
NTA and why does he need a vehicle if he doesn't even have a job? I'd tell him I'll help him catch up on his truck if he gets a job, otherwise he doesn't need it.
It’s now the family vehicle. I sold my car just before Christmas because our car seat wouldn’t even fit in it so it made more sense to keep his truck.
If you can afford it really enough, you might be better off having your own car that does take the car seat. If you take over paying for the truck, he ends up with no responsibility. But if you don't, you risk not having any transport.
Is it entirely in his name
Why would the response be to sell a car rather than get a different car seat?
NTA. But, you need to seek out an Alanon group for those dealing with people who have addictions. Try once again to have your hubby agree to counseling. If he refuses, for the sake of your child, remove yourself from the situation and contact a lawyer for advise. You can only help those who want it. Baby comes 1st
Absolutely. I’ve research al anon but I’m nervous to go. If you have any experience with these groups and wouldn’t mind sharing, could you pm me?
There’s a whole r/AlAnon sub. I’ve never explored it, but they might be able to give you some guidance
Thanks so much
When I was doing my family medicine rotation in training, my supervisor encouraged me to go to AA and AlAnon meetings in the community to see what non-medical supports were out there. I attended and didn’t speak but felt totally welcome to come and observe, and I would have been welcome to participate if I felt like it. Most people I know who have gone have had similar experiences too. Best of luck!
Kinda different but the same. I have OCD and have been a regular weed smoker. It absolutely has an effect on his ADHD and whatever the medication is doing the weed/alcohol is combating in the opposite way.
Why do you feel nervous to go? Are you afraid they're going to tell you things you don't want to hear?
No. I’m just a very shy person and I don’t easily open up to people in each life.
You can absolutely go and just listen until your are comfortable. Try a few meetings. Some are better "fits" than others. Good luck! If you can get your husband to go to counseling, I'd suggest couple's counseling. It was essential when my spouse became seriously depressed during the pandemic. It took the pressure off me to say "something is wrong here." Which of course I was saying, but it had more impact coming from someone else.
You don’t need to talk to anyone! You can just sit in the back and listen. May need to introduce yourself but that would be it. People only speak in meetings if they are comfortable.
In formal Al-anon meetings where people follow the program, they do not give advice to stay or leave. You will learn how to take care of yourself (letting our loved ones deal with the consequences of their actions, not enabling, setting boundaries, etc etc). The focus is on YOU and your own recovery/wellbeing. The subreddit is great in that people provide a ton of great experience and hope, but since it is informal, there are some people that give straight on advice. Don’t let that deter you from either. Al-anon is fantastic.
I am similar to you and I was surprised how much I was able to open up in al anon, it literally saved my life.
Check out online options. You may find enough benefit from online versions where you only have to interact as much as you want and/or you may get up the courage to go in person.
i just wanted to say that cannabis addiction is also a problem, Narcotics Anonymous could help him. they don't care what drugs you do, or how much. they've helped me. good luck.
Maybe try SMART, they have a great friends and family programme. I myself completed it and can say it helped me immensely with boundaries, communication, and much more. This is one of the quotes i was given, and i still refer to it when needed. "Consider a lighthouse. It stands on the shore with its beckoning light, guiding ships safely into the harbour. The lighthouse can't uproot itself, wade out into the water, grab the ship by the stern and say, "Listen, you fool! If you stay on this path you may break up on the rocks!" No. The ship has some responsibility for its own destiny. It can choose to be guided by the lighthouse. Or, it can go its own way. The lighthouse is not responsible for the ship's decisions All it can do isbethe best lighthouse it knows how to be" It is not your responsibility to fix him, he has to want to fix himself. You right now need to put your own mental health first for the sake of your child. I was the child of an addict and ended up having children with an addict. The damage they do is deep and leaves life long scars. You also have to consider what you are modeling to your child of what a relationship is and how men and women treat each other. Would you be happy if your child was in a relationship similar to you? Good luck this is a process only you can undertake, do not let him derail your decision at any time, as right now he has no consequences for his actions as you are still there every day enabling him. The minute this changes, he will not be happy, he doesnt care about losing you, it is more about losing his image/ being exposed and losing his cash machine.
There may also be virtual meetings you could try to start, if you have a place that’s private. At least to see what it’s like if you’re nervous. But. You’ve been dealing with a lot in the last year. He’s done emotional cheating, you’ve been considering AlAnon for a year at least, and he was wanting to go on a golf trip when you were due to be less than a month postpartum- don’t know if he went or not, or where the money for *that* came from. If you sat and wrote a list of what he provides to the relationship and your life versus the negatives he brings and the burdens he puts on you… how much longer would the negative list be than the positive?
It’s actually great. I know you’re nervous but think of it as the first day to a new school. It really helps with the shame and anger of dealing with someone like your husband. Most of the stories are going to be some of the worst and saddest shit you’ll hear, but the rest will sound very similar to you. The best part is knowing you aren’t crazy or a bad person for wanting something better. Like with my mom, she’s bi polar so she has high, highs and low, lows. Even if the person has done something great you know what comes next. But how do you teach your mom how to mom!? Why can’t she take meds go to therapy and not fly off the handle with tequila at my graduation? You know that a parent protects and provides for their child from the very beginning so why couldn’t she? I now know I can’t! I’m not supposed to, need to, have to, to be a good person to them, I’m supposed to be a good person and that starts with me loving myself. It’s ok and damn well deserved to live happy life. My mom is still lying to everyone, except me. She can’t lie to me if I never talk to her to hear it.
NTA. This money is a gift from your father to you personally. But I'm afraid you have far bigger problems than the choice between salon and truck payment. Can you contact his family for (non-financial) support? Some sort of intervention, perhaps? Does he have a best friend who could advise him? Your husband needs help and this situation isn't healthy for you or your child either.
This is why divorce lawyers exist. Move on and find a happy life. NTA
[удалено]
Is this a bot? It has no relation to the comment it’s replying to
You're right. It's taken from https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12zggak/aita_for_letting_my_husband_struggle_financially/jhsb97v
Absolutely positively NTA. If he’s not willing to get the help he needs both for his mental health and his drinking, I think it’s time to reevaluate the relationship. What are you getting out of it? You’re basically a single parent to your child who supports and raises him. You pay all your own bills while he drinks and smokes weed. He’s being selfish for not getting the proper treatment and not having a job. YWBTA to yourself if you allow it to continue without any consequences
Thank you
Don't let your child be raised by an alcoholic drug user. Do not be an enabler. Please!
Good luck!
And sadly, his choices will affect her financially for some time to come. NTA OP. I hope you can get your finances separated so you don’t end up with all his debt if that is even possible.
NTA - gift money from family is a major exception to the "it's all our money" rule. If your favorite aunt sends you a gift card, your SO should have never expectation that they can just grab it and get something for themselves any more than if it was a physical gift they could take it for themselves. Everyone needs a few things that are theirs and no one else.
NTA. It might be time to move in with your parents for a while. Don’t stay with a man who isn’t doing what he should be doing for his family.
> but with the drinking I feel like this was just thrown in, but is this the root cause?
I’d say yes but I’m also not sure. I don’t know if he drinks because of all that’s happening or everything is happening because he drinks. I do know he drinks too much (for context, about 3-6 tall cans of beer per day)
It might be time for you, his mom, and whoever else is close to the situation to have an intervention.
Every bit of alcohol is too much on those medications… I also have medication for ADHD and anxiety and I made the mistake once to enjoy a glass of wine, I was so so tired after that one glass that I fell asleep immediately after and had a headache afterwards… and I just forgot about the „no alcohol“ part. Never again. Besides, depending on the medication it can be really dangerous. Mine says that it can lead to stopped breathing if you drink too much. He really needs help before he damages himself too much, but you also need help. And if you need to be away from him, that’s totally fine. If you feel like you can’t help him, that’s also okay. I know it’s hard, but you have to look out for yourself and your baby. Your well-being is just as important as his. What he is doing is damaging you as well. I am so sorry for what you are going through.
omg are my anxiety meds the reason I suddenly get hungover and sensitive after drinking? I used to boast that I'm usually really lucky with not really struggling with hangovers, but these last few months...
I am not a medical professional, but it is likely from what I know. Besides, certain medications (like SSRI for example) can react really badly with alcohol, so you shouldn’t drink it anyway while on medication. You can always look up your medication + alcohol and see how it could react, as there are many different types and they are all different in how they can react.
You literally posted that he was an alcoholic when he was still your boyfriend. What are you doing
Ugh. NTA but with this info, I think you seriously need to consider separating which is a horrible thought with a baby. But you may find it easier to let go of caregiving an adult as well as a child.
It’s intervention time! A ton of his issues will get better if he addresses his alcoholism!
NTA. I hate to call your husband an asshole when he may be struggling with addiction and depression. But even if he has both of these issues, he can still be an asshole. You two need to get counseling at a minimum. You need to decide if this marriage is worth the work for you. Don't let yourself get sucked down into your husband's whirlpool.
"he has ADH and anxiety medication but with the drinking I’m not sure if it even works properly. " Oh honey... it doesn't "not work properly" it makes both anxiety and adhd worse. 😮💨 I'll tell you what *should* happen. He sees a doctor (pysch) tells them he's been drinking on meds. He'll be told to get off the meds for now and get sober. Once the doc trusts his sobriety he can go back on meds. Well, I say sobriety but I mean abstinence. Complete and absolute abstinence. They'll tell you to drop most coffee on these meds 😮💨. Nevermind alcohol, double for persistent use!
Alcohol and anti-anxiety meds combo can kill him alone. Double downing is a recipe to stop breathing.
Like, I'm thinking... Adhd meds, there are some that aren't stimulants so he could be on those... They're used way more on younger people though, and they are more likely to give anxiety related side effects, so those that have that comorbidity tend to go on stimulants. So, most likely it's Adderall adjacent for adhd. Not *the* worst med to mix with alcohol but definitely not one you can go around ignoring doctor's orders all willy nilly. Anxiety meds. These I know less about, but enough to know that it's probably benzos. Benzos... and alcohol... 😮💨 definitely an easy way to overdose. I only took benzos for half a year and I still remember that warning. Now, benzos, alcohol AND adderall?
Also energy drinks. I was told by my Dr to stay off energy drinks it can cause issues with my heart
NTA time for an altimatum I think. He gets help, and actually works at it, or you get a divorce lawyer. You currently have no partner and two children. That's no way to live. He needs to be an adult and parent or gtfo
NTA. Does he do chores around the house? Cook? Anything?
Here does the dishes and vacuums, but that’s later in the day and when he feels like it. If I need it done before he gets up I do it myself.
Why do you keep enabling his behaviour? You have a kid, fix up!
NTA. If he refuses to seek help or contribute to your house you need to kick him out. Unfortunately addicts don't change until they don't have other options and he seems like he's fallen into addiction if he can't be bothered to pay his truck payment because he's blowing all his (borrowed) money of booze and weed. Don't put up with his behavior.
Also. I have (had?) really serious mental health issues. It helps absolutely no one to fall into the hole with him. Yes it's fucking hard. Much fucking harder than most that haven't gone through it give it credit for: But, HE'S MAKING HIS ILLNESS WORSE BY DRINKING ON MEDS! You're not ready for abstinence? then.dont.go.on.meds. I just can't get over that part. Not only, but you ending up broke will not help 🙃. He can't manage to keep the truck right now? That's okay, sell it. He can't quit drinking right now? Quit the meds. He can't be a stand up dad? Try his best. I've been in a hole that was, frankly, a lot worse than what you describe (minus the having a kid, I didn't), it sucks, beyond what words can describe. It's okay for him to not be his absolute best right now. You're even willing to support him! That's very "in sickness and in health" of you! Very nice. However, while the sickness may not be self inflicted (which it srsly isn't)... it might as well be as long as he drinks on meds. 😮💨 That's a depression and anxiety cocktail. I had alcohol abuse problems, I'm on meds. And you .fucking.quit.for.good.before.you.get.on.them! In fact, you find the meds that make you not need to drink. As a mentally ill person that has been in an even deeper hole that your husband, NTA. As a personal note to you I will tell you something... I've personally never been drunk on meds... but I know for a fact he's not thinking anywhere close to straight right now. He's drowning out at sea, you're throwing a rope, which makes you a stand up human.You should in no case throw yourself in, it won't help and you'll be hurt. If he REFUSES to swim where there are safeguards you have to either let him drown or get others involved that are trained to jump in and manage those situations. In no case are you TA. I sympathize with him to an extent, brain chemistry is POTENT af. That sympathy ends where you over him a therapist and he refuses.
Thank for you taking the time to reply with such detail. I see a lot of people mentioned an intervention. I’m in Canada for reference. Do you know if you can MAKE someone check into rehab or get other forms of help?
You can. And if that's the route you decide to go by I will not fault you. In fact, I understand your feelings completely. He will, more than likely, not be as understanding and FOR YOUR HEALTH you need to be prepared for that before hitting the trigger. What I will tell you aswell is that forced interventions and rehabs have abismal success rates (voluntary ones already have pretty bad ones). So, please, don't get your expectations too high, once again for your health. In my country, a family member of a patient can inform a doctor that they are consuming alcohol on medication (that you aren't supposed to). The doctor will probably then ask for some level of proof and take away the prescriptions if that is the case. I will warn you right now, this will make him getting medication in the future harder. So only do it after exhausting any options that would avoid the doctor finding out. Unless he displays suicidal behaviour (if he starts, keep a record, if I remember you have to show persistence, otherwise they won't keep him long in the watch ward) or you want to go the court ordered therapy that's as much forcing as you can do. There's also the "tell his mum" option, does she know he's drinking on meds? Does she understand how bad that is? If you inform her of how much he's harming himself by drinking on meds she might step in. If she is anti meds in general I don't super recommend it, but it's worth a try if he won't listen to you. Here's a reputable source to show them both: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/expert-answers/antidepressants-and-alcohol/faq-20058231 And a personal testimony of alcohol abuse: https://www.rethink.org/news-and-stories/blogs/2022/11/alcohol-the-bad-medicine-natashas-story/
Here is a link to some Canada-based resources (they’re closer to the bottom of the page) as well as some detailed advice for talking to your husband and who can send him for evaluation. I hope it’s a good start for you. [Resources here](https://www.camh.ca/en/health-info/guides-and-publications/when-a-family-member-is-unwilling-to-seek-help)
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I believe I may be the asshole because I did not give my husband the $150 I saved from my dad to help with his bills, but instead made an appointment for me to get my hair done. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Your husband is allowing his disorder to take over both your lives and he has to make changes. It's very common for people with ADHD and anxiety to self medicate with rec drugs and you are correct that this will be affecting the results of his other medications. I'm not a doctor, but I live this. I can tell you what helped me but ultimately your husband needs to desire, seek, and find his own help. Boundaries are an act of love - it is both reasonable and demonstrates that you care about him - and you need to not accept this wretched behaviour. (Not saying he is a bad person, I deeply know his pain but also come the FRIG on my man, this is NOT who you wanna be.) EDIT: to add advice - finding the right balance of meds for ADHD+anxiety is tricky because the thing that usually works best for ADHD (stimulant) can aggravate anxiety. Personally I have not yet found an anxiety medication that works better than cannabis, but I managed to cut out drinking and lying and harm reduction is a good model that works for most people so I'm happy with myself and my progress. I'm talking to my doctor about how to transition off cannabis onto something else. (I'm lucky to live somewhere it's legal and I can do that, also I don't have to pay money to see my doctor.) Most anxiety meds say you shouldn't drink so there's a lot of them I was scared to try until I was confident about not drinking. (Another fun little way anxiety traps you in anxiety.) Meds lose their effectiveness even if you are using them right. Meds aren't magic, you have to pay attention to yourself, make good choices, and build new pathways. Your brain is a big magic electric meatsack that can do souch more than we know but it only works if you work it. Good luck to you both! I hope y'all find peace and harmony and healing.
NTA and you need to look into protecting yourself and child. Right now he is going to drag you down with him.
My girl, this isn't about the money. I mean, it is, but it's about more than the money. You have a child now and need to think of them-- you can't raise a child with an addict. You can't. And Mr. Keeps Spending Money On Beer And Weed is an addict right now. His drinking and smoking is interfering with his life by costing him money he doesnt have. You need to drop an ultimatuim: he deals with his addictions, or you leave.
NTA. Not even a little. I know first hand how crippling anxiety can be. But that’s not an excuse to be a shitty father and husband. I’m not gonna tell you what to do with your life OP, but if it was mine, I would probably impose a break in the relationship until he can work on himself some.
NTA Mentally ill or not he dug himself into this hole and now he needs to dig himself out. Sometimes you have to let the person hit rock bottom before they'll finally go get the proper help they need. It sounds like this with your husband.
NTA. I get that he has issues but we all have issues. Adults do what is needed to take care of them and he’s not doing that. Giving him the money would only enable him and it wouldn’t be the last time. You need to think about you and your baby and if staying married to him is really what’s best for you both.
You would be the AH if you didn’t divorce. He’s an addict and you have a very young kid.
NTA Look, I have ADHD too. I get it. It can be _really_ fucking hard sometimes. It's draining. But he can't keep using it as an excuse to avoid his responsibilities to you and your kid. You need to sit down with him and work something out. Don't let him continue to behave this way. Now, this could be a stretch but he may also be depressed. It's a very common side effect of ADHD. He's basically leeching off of you at this point. He NEEDS therapy and you have to let him know. Everyone is different and life can be hard but your husband needs to wake up and realize he has a literal kid that he's refusing to help take care of. You need to give him a wake.up call to the reality he's living in. He'll continue to behave like this if you don't put your foot down.
He canceled his therapy appointment tonight. Third ones he’s canceled now so I guess I’ll be figuring out how to get sole custody of my son because I’ll be damned if my incompetent husband shares custody with me. My son won’t even eat if he’s the one feeding him.
I’m sorry he canceled - but I’m glad to hear that you have accepted that you need to go for custody and that this is done.
INFO: how did both of you feel about your pregnancy? It seems like he may not have wanted it
He actually brought it up and asked if we could start trying. Our son was planned.
Ok that’s pretty bizarre then. NTA at all, I hope he gets the help he needs!
Not bizarre to me. I was planned and my father lost his mind when I was born. My parents were married for 5 years before they started trying. My dad had ambition, was thinking about going back to school, had the makings of a good career. Once I was born *boom* completely different person. Just because it's planned doesn't mean it won't cause a mental breakdown. This guy actually reminds me of my dad aside from the drinking. My dad hasn't made more than a fresh college graduate in 45 years. I used to joke that my goal in life was to make more than my dad. First job out of college, made more than him. Now I make twice as much as he ever did. Worst part, my mom is still with him. She had no support system when I was born so she couldn't leave. Now it's been so long she's just waiting for him to die. We all know he would be homeless if he had to care for himself. He almost died when my mom stopped cooking for him and all he could make for himself was canned soup and cold cut sandwiches. He almost had a stroke. He's a fucking menace to the world. 70 year old man who can not do a single thing for himself.
NTA. But you need to have the "shape up or ship out" talk with him... now. I have to say though, and I hate to be judgmental but I just can't quite understand sooooo many Reddit stories here where people continue to procreate with unstable people (and apparently expect good outcomes). .
Enabling someone does not help them. He can make his truck payment, or he can take the bus to the liquor store. His choice.
Apparently the truck is their only vehicle. (OP stated in a reply that she sold her car and it is their only vehicle.) Which complicates that a bit.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, especially when that someone has a jacket but won't use it. Also I hate it when people say it's like your raising two children it's not. Children usually learn and grow and want to make good decisions they just struggle with being new the world. He isn't doing anything even close to that. He is being selfish and then gaslighting the hell out of her by pretending to be the victim. I get it this timeline sucks and mental health issues are real but doing nothing will only make things worse and everyone knows that. NTA
NTA I am a little concerned you're not fully aware of the possible blowback if you do make him get help though reading some of your comments. (I've seen a couple where you're trying to ask if you can force him.) Maybe you are aware, and I genuinely apologize if you are and this is stuff you have thought about. I'm not saying nobody gets better when forced, but you seem oddly optimistic in some of your comments. I have concerns that you think if you force him into mental health help/rehab it definitely will make things better and he'll be the same as before all this started. He could. He could also just get resentful. Or split (you mentioned he has no fight just flight). Or get sneaky. I'm not saying this to tell you to not try to get him help or something, but I'm just not sure if you're aware of this stuff or not. The sad fact is that people have to be ready for and want help, even if it is deep down and they need a big push. You can't force people to get better if they really don't want to, regardless of how unfair that fact is. Things could get better, or they could get much worse. I just worry about you pinning all your hopes on some idealized version of how this all works.
NTA but thats why that saying sucks ._.
NTA. But you and his immediate family (mum etc.) Need to sit him down and have an intervention. You O/P can only swim for so long before you drown. Don't let it get to that. Therapy for him, family counseling, AA meetings, whatever it takes to get this family back on the right track. P.s. I hope you get your haircut 😊
NTA Honestly, if he can't get his shit together get rid of him.
NTA -- are you sure your husband isn't abusing substances? Sounds like my brother before we found out he was addicted to opiates and his life came crashing down. If you don't know what to look for it is surprisingly easy to miss the signs. We were shocked in the moment, but felt dumb looking back like duh, how didn't we know? You should go to CVS and get an over the counter drug test to see if he will take it.
NTA. Giving him money would be enabling him. Also, time to pull the plug on this relationship. If he isn’t going to fix his shit, you need to move on. I saw you say you like to see the best in people. You know what that is? It’s a crutch. It’s an excuse to ignore all of his red flags and an excuse to hold no boundaries for yourself. Is he a great guy? Maybe. Is he being a great guy? No. What you do from here is your choice but ignoring who is his right now is not noble. It’s not in your best interest, nor is it in his. I’m so sorry you’re faced with this right now. It’s not fair and you can’t do anything t change him. You can only control what you do. Protect yourself and protect your baby. Go get your hair done and then figure out how the hell to get out of this mess.
I'm really curious as to what exactly your husband is contributing to this marriage? You pay for everything and take care of your child. What does he do?
NTA; my friend wasn’t able to pay his truck payments after they went from a two income home to a one income home so he sold it for his family.
NTA I was in a situation similar to this 3 years ago. I also happen to work in the mental health field (substance abuse counselor). I tried and tried AND TRIED to get him to get help and he refused. We had mental health coverage with my insurance that was absolutely 100% covered, no copays, nothing, and he still refused. He said, "I like being like this." I eventually left. His life did not get any better and I watched what my life would've become had I stayed. He passed away 2 years ago, and I fought with myself over guilt for a long time, but I now know I did what was right. I'm also thankful our kids were grown and out of the house, so they didn't have to go through it. If he won't get help, do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your child. Your mental health matters, too.
First and foremost NTA. Unfortunately, I was in a similar situation with my first husband and had to just walk away - more so for my kids than for myself. It was no longer a healthy relationship, and I realized I couldn't take care of our kids AND the adult. He refused to get help, he refused to contribute, he refused to do anything to better himself. My final moment was coming home from work to find our youngest in his crib with poop spread all over - screaming his poor little head off and my (now ex) husband on his computer playing an online video game with his headphones on - completely ignoring the children. I left him, my ex, in his room playing his game. I grabbed the baby and cleaned him up, put him on a fresh diaper and set of clothes. Grabbed my daughter, put them in the truck and drove away. It took him THREE days to realize we were all gone. I had already filed for divorce at this point and was over all of it. I was scared and upset but I could not let my kids be raised by this person any longer. They deserved better, I deserved better. He rant and raved about what a terrible mistake I was making - I almost believed him. That was 20 years ago.... I am incredibly happy and was able to raise my kids in a loving caring home and they are some of the most amazing adults, and I couldn't be prouder. I found an amazing man that is my best friend and an incredible partner and father - we're celebrating 16 years :) I attribute our kids' success to the fantastic role model he has provided. We haven't heard from my ex-husband in 18 or so years and life could not be greater.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So. Just to begin this, I firmly believe once you’re married or even in a committed relationship, the “my money is your money” saying applies. Anywho, my husband has been struggling with mental health issues (ADHD and severe anxiety) on and off for about 3 years now and it’s gotten BAD when we moved back to our hometown about 2 years ago. He had a great paying job and would take days off here and there because of this, but overall enjoyed going and had no other issues. Fast forward to approx 19 months ago we found out I was preggo (now have a 9 month old). All of a sudden he couldn’t hold a job, would get a job and not even be able to go on the first day and was just lying to everyone about it (he’d tell his mom or whoever he’d been working). Eventually it got to a point where his account was overdrawn and he kept needing to borrow money from his mom. Just to be clear, I pay rent, utilities, groceries, both of our phone bills, his credit card payments all from my maternity leave money. The only things he’s responsible for are his truck payments and his insurance. His mom was giving him money every month for this but he kept spending it on beer and weed and so he’d need to keep borrowing more and last week she finally cut him off. I had been BEGGING him to see a therapist this entire time and he has ADH and anxiety medication but with the drinking I’m not sure if it even works properly. Anyhow here’s the AITA part. On top of being in the hole and not being able to dig himself out, instead of continuing to look for work or help provide for his family, he sleeps in and rarely helps with our son and when he does he’s so frustrated when our son is fussy and gives up. My dad has been sending me $20 here and there to do things for myself because I’m so stressed and I saved enough to get my hair done for the first time in years. My husband is now calling me an AH because I won’t give him the $150 I’ve saved to help with his truck payment and instead want to do something for me and get my hair done. So AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, it's time to throw that man to the curb.
NTA. Your basically a married single mom. Although I’m sure he does have mentally health issues, I find it convenient that they surfaced after you were locked into the relationship/marriage with a kid.
What does he contribute to your relationship?
Your husband sounds like he's suffering from depression. It is possible for men to suffer from PPD. I think it's time to do your research & talk to a doctor bc he's not going to get any better without professional help. NTA
NTA. Your husband has ceased being a functioning partner in this relationship. He doesn't work, doesn't help with HIS child and is a financial black hole. You absolutely should get your hair done. Your dad didn't give you the money to throw down the drain for your husband. If you pay this month, what about next month????
I had something close enough to this. I set a hard limit to how much I would give her to spend while I paid all the bills. She left me with 3 boxes the next day. It took me about a month to get into a place to live and buy cheap furniture. By month 3 I was experiencing financial security I had not had since the 3rd year of the 16 years together. Your little one deserves security.
Okay, this is a really complex problem, but I would have to say NTA, without question. If the issue were relegated to mental health alone, it would be one thing. However, when you consider the substance use, it’s not only an issue of not contributing financially, but now he’s actively compromising the family financially and outright refusing to access supports regarding the problems he’s facing. It’s absolutely true that substance use is a recognized disorder, and that your husband is sick, meaning that the disorder isn’t necessarily his fault. Unfortunately, it sounds like he’s not even acknowledging that there’s a problem there. I would sadly have to argue that this appears to be a situation in which you are being manipulated into enabling his drinking and avoiding mental health treatment. In the end, that won’t be good for either of you. His best bet is probably gonna be a mental health professional and an AA meeting. I really hope that you can get things sorted out, and that your husband can get back on his feet. Your family, each and every one of you, deserve it.
Definitely NTA. Sorry OP. Dude needs to man up and take control of his life and get to working on himself. Its ok to not be ok, but as the father/husband/man in the house, you need to be actively working on being better and being the leader of the household. You don't have to be perfect, but you should always be working on being better than you were the day before. It really sounds like he needs a major wake up call. Get some therapy, get up early and workout, develop a daily routine, take a cold shower, eat better, work on controlled breathing, cut out the booze....so many things he can be doing to better himself, build some discipline, and work on showing up more for his family.
I struggle with adhd, anxiety, ptsd, chronic depression… so I get it, it’s HARD. Both for you and your husband. This is a crappy situation to be in. Bailing him out won’t help him though. Closing credit cards so he can only spend cash he has might help not get into MORE debt, but still doesn’t address the core issue. Until he is willing to get help, nothing will work. There is absolutely hope though. I’m a functioning person and have good therapy and meds, full time job, still paying off credit card debt from when I wasn’t doing well… but managing. Problem is, I was the one to decide to improve my situation. Until he does that, it’s gonna be rough. For this specific situation, NTA. Get your hair done. His poor choices shouldn’t stop you from taking care of yourself.
NTA Honestly, send him to live with his mom or anyone else. He needs to shape up and he's not going to do it with you bc you have enabled him. He isn't seeking therapy and he is drinking instead of doing... anything. You don't need another child. It's clear he needs help and i'm not saying to just leave him but you need to separate for a little so he is forced to get back on his feet.
Amazing how you get pregnant and "all of a sudden" his issues prevent him from keeping or getting a job? Almost as if he felt you were less likely to leave him because of the baby and he was free to be the dead weight he always aspired to be
NTA. Get your hair done mama!! Cherish yourself! You deserve it and someone (cough, cough, your husband) isn’t stepping up to that plate. You are beautiful and you deserve to feel it!
In a later comment you said he would choose flight over fight if you gave him an ultimatum. My advice: Let him flee then. See how quickly he will get a job when he has to pay his own way. At the moment he has ZERO reason to change. He has his housing, food, electricity, heat, phone AND credit card debts paid for by YOU, who are also the ONLY parent actually parenting HIS child, while he spends his days and nights drinking and smoking weed. Sounds like a really nice cozy life he has manipulated himself into there. Why would anyone want a sucky job when he doesn’t need to? He has really succeeded in living his own sweet bum life on your dime and then he has the audacity to shame and guilt you for wanting to spend money you have been personally gifted for yourself on your first haircut in YEARS. Wow. How many haircuts could all his weed have bought? How many haircuts could you have gotten if you didn’t have to finance 99% of his existence without getting anything but blame and entitlement in return? How many times did he pay for YOUR credit card debt or car payments? Let him flee if he is dissatisfied with the change of terms. But you need to begin loving yourself more and expecting more from any partner. Don’t stay “for the kid” or because you don’t want your child to grow up in a broken home. Honestly, it already seems broken and besides he is not even parenting at all. NTA
NTA it's money given to you. I don't condone his actions by any means and he needs to seek help. But I am leaning it might be a missing diagnosis based on actions and behaviors. He needs to get his shit together because I am leaning on conjecture but he's in a spiral or there's a missing diagnosis. I know your begging and there's only so much you can do.
NTA Time to file for a divorce and get separated from his finances because when the truck gets repo'd, if your name is on the bill, it's on your credit. You've got to prioritize yourself and baby.
My name is not attached to the truck whatsoever thankfully.
Good. Get to an attorney. And double or triple the birth control (I recommend abstinance, but . . . .) -- do not get pregnant. He's just going to keep draining you.
NTA. Leave him. At least separate before he did you into an even deeper financial hole that you're liable for
NTA. I’m nosey and I looked through your post history. You have made numerous posts about your husband that is concerning. I hope you find the strength and way to leave this man. I’m sorry that he has problems with drugs and alcohol but he will ruin your life and children’s life if you stay with him. You deserve more than this.
NTA- dump that guy. He’s going to drag you all the way down.
NTA maybe I'm just mean af but it seems like he waited till you were truly stuck with him (marriage n kid) to delve into his no work do weed plan. He doesnt even help with the kid when hes the none working parent.
Weed is not cheap these days. NTA. He is making some choices that are harming the entire family. The weed money alone would probably pay the car note. Alcohol and weed will negate the effects of just about any medications. This behavior is going to make OP sick from stress and eventually even cause the child to have behavioral issues. These types always seem to find another to mooch off of, until they get old and it’s not so cute anymore. Few people have sympathy for old ugly abusers.
Omg girl run
Honey, your problems go way beyond getting your hair cut. You need help. Either professional help for him, or a lawyer for yourself. Time to lay down the law about therapy vs divorce. You have to protect your baby. Even the moment, he'll be affected by the tension in the house - do you want to bring him up in this atmosphere? Believing that this is okay/normal? I know you love him and it's heartbreaking to watch him go downhill, but your first responsibility now is to your child. Cut the guy loose until he can prove that he's got his act together. Or send him home to his mother for starters.
NTA Kick him out.
OP I have been where you are. Leaving was one of the hardest decisions I ever made but once I was gone it was like a massive weight was lifted that I didn't even realize I'd been carrying. NTA 1000x but I do hope you get out of this situation. You've got a whole life ahead of you.