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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I chose not to continue a punishment my ex set for our son at my house. My ex asked me to do this and told me his reasoning for wanting this and I decided not to anyway. This has not helped our co-parenting relationship whatsoever and might be wrong given what has happened. I might be failing as a co-parent in a divorce situation. I might also be an asshole to my ex and his wife by refusing to back up what they deem appropriate.
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You should push for as much custody as possible. Things at your ex’s house will only get worse. They will ostracize your son for his feelings of unease due to the changing family dynamic. This is very dangerous and can result in repression and internalized trauma later on.
My thought exactly. The kid knew his dad would just have an attitude and brush off his concerns like he's done before. Kid's been miserable about the situation for two years and I'm sure his dad has never bothered to really talk with him about it all in the hopes that his issues with his dad remarrying would just magically go away.
My stepmom told me at 6 that she would never love me or care about me. Stepparents can be douches! We all just ppl.fighting for attention of the ones we love...
People can be douches, people love hating on step-releatives across the board. Hell, half-blood relatives are delegated to garbage with everyone implying that you can treat them how ever you want because they used your Xbox one time when they were 7.
I'm so, so sorry anyone, especially your stepmom, said this to you. I'm blessed with a stepdaughter who's now one of my best friends, her stepkids and their kids--and I love them all so much it brings tears to my eyes. I hope you have plenty of other people in your life who give you the love you've always deserved.
Jesus. I do not want or even really like kids and I cannot even imagine EVER saying something like this to a child. If you don't want to be a step parent...don't date someone who has kids.
I hated going to my dads house because his wife's daughter was jsit a spoiled brat who threw fits until she got what she wanted. My dad always made us give in to her to make his wife happy because that's what she did -give in. I tried just playing by myself one day to deal with being forced to go over there and he came barging into the room I was in and screamed at me to go play with the other kids. He scared the shit outta me. I will never forget how ignorant he was to what I was going through ,he just didn't even ask me what was up he just barked orders at me.
My stepmother would purposely make tuna casserole for us when we told them we hated tuna. We had never eaten it. But, every time we came to visit, she made it the first night for dinner. My dad lived about 2 hours away which took about 5 hours by bus. We got tired of it and, as we got more involved in things in high school, stopped visiting. He couldn't be bothered to make the 2-hour drive to us. We went no contact after a nasty letter he wrote us 2 weeks after I started high school because we didn't answer his letter of his fast enough.
I was going to say this, having been in a near exact situation when I was a kid, 8 or 9 yrs old.
My ‘dad’ (I hate calling him that, I usually call him by first name) split from my mom, got married w/ the girl he was cheating with. I refused to go to the wedding. Stepmom was not kind to me either. Long story, but I don’t speak to any of them and have dealt with a lot of family issues since. I stopped visit and communicating with them all. Still dealing with that trauma and BS it caused…30 years later.
Get them out of that household. It’s so hard to comprehend “I’m punishing you because I’m forcing you to do stuff you don’t want to” - I thought my ‘dad’ hated me. It was brought up for years how disappointed in me he was for it and for refusing to call his new wife mom.
I won’t dive into it all, but it fucked me up & caused a lot of problems. Thankfully, my mom got full custody after stepmom hit me with a frying pan ‘to motivate me’ to do all the house chores while her kid played games, because I hated being there and would just stay in my room till the weekend/custody visit was over. Not even kidding. Not saying that’s what is happening there, but I didn’t know that treatment was not okay and for years thought I deserved it.
The idea that them getting married makes them a family is laughably naive. If they want to bury their heads in the sand instead of confronting the problem like OP did that is their choice but they live with the consequences. NTA by any means.
This, and I can almost guarantee the stepmum will not always be the nicest about op if this is how she acts over what is ultimately a pretty minor (if personal) issue.
My cousin started heroin at 14 because his stepdad created a similar situation.
Kid's feelings should be respected. I'd be signing up for therapy. Not grounding.
It's entirely possible anxiety had him crippled that morning and lifted.
Maybe he wasn't lying but couldn't name his feelings.
Yez OP, I'm worried about your son going back there.
I just want to say that I grew up in an abusive,unloving home, and I'm 42 with decades of therapy and still messed up.
Keep protecting your child, he needs it
I am convinced my mother was mentally ill. Plus, I was born half deaf and fully HFA, high functioning Autistic. She called me "stupid" every day.
I am 67, years of counseling, and I remain resentful.
We are twins, 25 years apart. I am sorry this happened to you.
I am also concerned that the ex expected you to walk out a punishment that he did not show you the courtesy or respect of discussing with you first. Ex sounds REALLY self centered.
I probably would not be interested in hearing what his wife thought at all. Plus why did your son have to go if he does not want to?
I would have maybe focused on why he didn't want to go. I think it can be dangerous when children don't feel safe to express their concerns.
Good Luck to you and your little man!
Its going to be a long drawn out battle if your ex is anything like my dad.(came from the same situation i didnt attend my dad's wedding either) he still fights with my mom over punishments and responsibilities and when my brother goes to his place. Your kid will thank you later for being a place of refuge away from the crazy
Can I ask what is the punishment for the four weeks. Is it no dessert? Is it no playdates?
I think the four weeks for an 8 year old is excessive and frankly concerning that your ex feels like that punishment fits the crime. I’m wondering what the finer points of it are.
Wow. That’s harsh and really excessive. I would save all documentation for this. I would also inform your ex that if he intends to dole out punishments like that where he expects you to follow through then he needs to consult you and agree on things together.
Is there anything in your custody agreement that could allow for you to keep custody of son longer given the circumstances? And is this worth a conversation with a lawyer? Because I wouldn’t even give this punishment to a teenager it’s just highly inappropriate. Particularly for and 8 year old.
I have four kids and I was thinking that a one month grounding is pretty excessive for that age. Full out grounding is always excessive to me but a month for that age!?!?!?!
My oldest son’s therapist got us on a system of one privilege removed at a time with a set amount of time (2-3 days maybe) but with a chore buyback. They have to earn it back. If they choose not to do the work then they might lose that privilege for weeks but they’re in control.
And frankly any parent that can’t see through an 8yo faking sick and try to get to the root of the problem needs their head examined. 🙄
Right? My thought is maybe son did feel sick too. How do we know he was lying. If there was something I was dreading at that age I would often have a mind body connection and get constipated or feel nauseous. It’s entirely possible he legitimately felt sick.
I think this is dad punishing son for not being on board and playing into this “happy family narrative” wouldn’t surprise me if people talked at the wedding asking where son was and dad was embarrassed so this is him taking it out on son for that.
That was my first thought as well. The stress of the situation was very likely making him feel very unwell and once the family left for the wedding, the discomfort was alleviated.
That doesn't automatically mean the child was lying; they were being forced into an extremely uncomfortable situation.
OP is definitely NTA.
Also he could easily have been sick to the stomach because of the anxiety.
When he realized the 'threat' has left/he felt safe - pain went away.
Kids can't verbalize this or differentiate, like this... especially if he knows/believes that 'admitting' to it being a lie (which it wasn't) is more safe than speaking the truth (that he doesn't want to be there etc.).
I was dreading my first day in a new school in 4th grade and spent the entire night before, along with the entire morning getting ready until we left, throwing up from the stress. Your brain can definitely make you actually physically sick!
Frankly that’s absurd. He is 8!! A punishment should be appropriate not only for the “crime” but also the child’s age. That is excessive. I don’t see things getting better for your son at his fathers house.
Honestly I feel for your little guy. I have a step son. He’s almost 15 now but was 4 when his dad and I married. I understand how scary it was for him to have a new step mom and a new step sister. I was careful to be mindful of that when it came to his behavior.
I understood he might lash out or be angry about all the changes. I never took it personally. I just tried to love him. It was really hard at times. He really resented me for “taking his dad away”. So we would set aside time for him and his dad to go do stuff just them. We made sure that any “family” events happened when we had him, so he never felt like he was being pushed out .
And if he messed up, or lashed out, it was a conversation first, not a punishment. If a consequence was required because his behavior had hurt someone else, it was appropriate to age.
Basically I wore that kid down with love.
We have a really good relationship now. He knows I love him and I’m not going anywhere. He’s my kid and I’ll fight dragons for him. My husband is the same way with my daughter.
Blending families is not easy. It requires intention and patience. And that the adults understand they are dealing with children having emotional reactions like children do.
These people that marry a person with kids and then treat the kids like crap make me furious.
I’m angry for your little guy. He deserves better. Sadly I don’t see it getting better. If they are punishing him this severely at his young age, I have a feeling it will only get worse. Every time he doesn’t fall in line like they want they will likely overreact.
Your son was a hurt little boy who didn’t know how to deal with his big emotions. Upset kids get stomach aches. Shame on your ex.
If I were you I’d take him back to court and insist on family counseling for your son. I feel like this is just the beginning of your son being punished for his (normal and healthy) emotions.
I'd talk to your lawyer about your options re your ex's inappropriate and grossly unreasonable (at best) behavior. Most family-court judges aren't going to like what he tried to do.
Yikes, that's harsh, excessive, and a really good way to make the poor kid even less thrilled with being around dad and the steps. Dad's not teaching the lessons he thinks he is. What he's teaching is that he (dad) is petty, vengeful, cruel, and not at all safe. He shouldn't be surprised when his son no longer wants to go to dad's house (and it won't be too long in the future before a judge will take his feelings into consideration.)
I'm assuming you already do this but I would insist on further communication about anything with your ex be in text or email format for evidence reasons.
Please contact your lawyer about getting primary custody. Your ex sucks and your son deserves better than to be miserable every other week he’s there for two months.
So he just gets to sit there and watch while they laugh and have fun. they make Super-Villians that way. (kidding. Kind of)
But, honestly your sons not going to respond well to that. That will build anger and resentment. Resentment which will eventually come out. they are making the kid not like them
I think you need to have a long talk with your attorney about custody but also about how to enforce your son being taken to the therapist while staying with his Dad, if at all possible. It might also be worthwhile trying to get Dad to meet with the therapist with you.
I get being angry about this but a month is a ridiculously long time for an 8 year old. I can see a week but a month? Dad is insane.
That's ridiculous, you did the right thing by not backing your ex up. You also did the right thing by actually doing something. What your son did was concerning and required intervention, but with compassion, not punishment.
I’m concerned he wasn’t lying and actually felt sick and then when he didn’t have to go and the stressed was gone then he felt better. I mean I would often feel sick if I really didn’t want to do something at that age. Because my body didn’t know how to handle the anxiety. Even now I will get nauseated if I have to do something that stresses me out. As an adult I know if I just push ahead it will pass but as a kid I didn’t know that.
And if that’s the case punishment will only make things worse and what he really needs is therapy.
This! Is he being punished for lying? Or punishment for his feelings, which still haven't been discussed with ex. Glad OP is giving him support and talking it through in a kind way. Son's feelings will get worse not better with dad's approach.
I think it’s dad punishing son for his feelings. This is just so absolutely over the top for a small lie like this. He said he wasn’t feeling good and felt sick.
When I really didn’t want to do something I had times I did feel sick and if my parents kept me back home and I didn’t have to go then I felt better. It’s entirely possible he was even telling the truth.
I know your son admitted to faking being sick but I would consider the possibility that he got the idea from actually feeling sick to his stomach/a knot in his stomach over the wedding. I know when something happens that I deeply DO NOT WANT TO HAPPEN it makes my stomach hurt. So, I'd also grant him some grace in that he may have actually felt physical discomfort about the wedding and the changes it meant to his life.
Right? Like maybe he was having an anxiety or panic attack, which always makes me feel sick to my stomach, and when everyone left and he got to stay he started feeling better.
Agreed, anxiety has physical symptoms and he may very well have felt very sick at the thought of what was about to happen to his world. Either way, poor kid.
Yes he probably had so much anxiety built up and it manifested as a physical stomach ache. This happened to me as a child and I just always thought i was sick. Poor little guy.
I'm 41 and have been LC with my parents the past few years. There have been times when, even though we've reached a degree of equilibrium over the past couple, seeing one or both gets me stressed to the point of nausea, so I can't eat with them in the neutral ground of a deli or restaurant.
I agreed to go stay with them over Christmas because my sister and her family, who I have a good and growing relationship with, were coming, and came down with tonsillitis before I left. Possibly a coincidence, but it's tough to rule out my high anxiety about going back for a few days opened the door.
When my family made a big move when I was 7, before my now five years of consistent therapy, I was sick for *months.* The pediatrician couldn't explain it beyond homesickness, and my parents left it at that.
Massive, massive ups to OP for the quick turn to therapy, and absolutely, this kid could have been having discomfort that cleared up when the *stressors*, ie biodad and soon to be what sounds like a stepmonster were removed.
I hope OP can get increased custody if not full. Dad's household is not a healthy environment for him right now.
You're nta and are right to not continue the punishment but you absolutely should communicate to him that lying and faking sick is very very wrong and can one, lead to people not believing when you really are sick which can be dangerous. Also, that in the future he can always feel okay communicating his feelings in a healthy way no matter the reaction they get in return because we can't control how other people react but we can still be rational and emotionally evolved. And that when he communicates with his father and they choose to punish him for sharing (NOT BY BEING A JERK. but write it down if he has to) then you'll have his back
It sounds like he trusts his mother more than his father, but it wouldn't be bad to reinforce this with a serious conversation. Honestly, when I read the title I thought it'd be like "son stole a thing and needs to learn actions have consequences" but this is more like "ex dismissed his son and now suffers the consequences". Of course son never told ex anything after that, and of course OP doesn't want to continue the punishment for something like that.
I had a friend with a mom like you, and the day the bad thing happened - we were 19, drunk, and stranded almost an hour from our home town because we didn't want to ride home with our friend who was far too drunk to drive - he said, "It's ok, we can call my mom." We found a payphone (late 90s) and called her and while she wasn't exactly impressed with our behaviour, she came and picked us up.
She didn't even tell my parents. At the time, I couldn't understand that kind of trust. You're a great mom, OP.
Widowed dad here, and I applaud you for your approach. My parenting challenges are different because I don’t have an ex to deal with or co-parenting challenges, but I also have to deal with kids who struggle with the changes to our family and the prospect of additional disruption when and if I find a new partner. I find your approach inspiring, and your son is lucky to have you. NTA.
> Your house, your rules.
I don't think that should apply to coparenting. Major decisions should be made together to give the kid as close to a consistent structure as possible.
However, this is a ridiculous punishment, and I don't think OP is wrong for objecting to it.
If it truly was co-parenting, he should have discussed a month long punishment with his ex first, instead of just deciding and expecting his ex to follow his ridiculous punishment.
"My son's mental health is more important than your ego. There'll be no further discussion on this."
NTA. Also ask his wife to f off if she tries to talk to you. Your ex is the only person with whom you co-parent.
Having both parents support each other with punishments is good parenting.
But dad is not a good parent. He freaked out on his kid for not making the wedding perfect- but obviously Callum has problems he can’t talk to his dad about. Dad wants his perfect little family and Callum isn’t obeying him. OP did the exact right thing, getting him some therapy to deal with it all healthily.
WHY ARE WE EVEN THINKING OF PUNISHMENT?
He stayed home. It was his form of protest, a way to control an untenable, by his standards, situation in a small way. He could not stop the event, but chose not to participate. He did Not ruin the day.
For an eight year old he did pretty well; no histrionics, no sabotage, no damage or bad manners.
BTW, don’t you think the kid got punished enough being thrust into a familial relationship that he is not ready to accept? But old daddy-o is allllll about himself. And four weeks for an eight year old….. YEESH! (Someone is about to find out how long a displaced 8yr old can hold on to the hurt, while Never accepting the “new and improved” family.)
Best of luck to the boy, he deserves so much better than he is receiving.
EDIT: NTA… I am team Mom: therapy and understanding.
Or the kid is old enough to decide where he can live which can be between 12 and 16 in many places. Or of course, OP gets changes to the custody agreement.
Oh, sure, by *your* standards he didn't ruin the day, but to THEM, the day was ruined because he wasn't *actively celebrating*. You know. Pretending everything was fine. Saying he wanted them as family. Reassuring them. How are they supposed to feel good about their choices if he won't support them??
Because that's an eight-year-old's job, right?
Barf.
The whole cultural movement around validation has gotten weird at this point. Originally is was about recognizing who you really were and accepting that it was valid to be a particular way, and it wasn't about everyone else having to agree with you and celebrate those traits. Now we're demanding validation of adult choices from children?
I also think he may not have been lying about the stomach ache, even if he did “admit” to lying. Anxiety presents differently in kids, and one common symptom is stomach pain.
OP’s son was anxious about the wedding, and his body showed that stress through a stomach ache. Once the anxiety was gone (dad and family left for the wedding and he didn’t have to go) the stomach ache left too.
If dad got it set in his head that his son had been lying, he could have asked in a leading manner. E.g. “you’re not even sick are you? You just made it up so you didn’t have to go.” The son can tell that he isn’t actually sick, so he agrees that he made it up. Part of him might know it isn’t but he doesn’t have a better explanation, or he actually believes his dad and thinks that the pain was all in his head.
Just my opinion as someone who had childhood anxiety, but didn’t know how to express what was going on internally. Good on OP for helping her son get the tools he needs to process his difficult feelings. Definitely, NTA.
Yea true! My sibling used to get stomach issues really bad when he was anxious, sometimes even throwing up. Can’t rule out neurological health impacting physical health.
This is such a good point! I have GAD and even as an adult it can manifest as stomach distress, I'm surprised I didn't think of that.
Still sounds like the kid lied about throwing up, but maybe he meant something more like dry heaving? Because as a kid I might have described that as "I threw up, but nothing came up" or "I threw up but I didn't throw anything up."
He handled it, even though he lied, the best ready possible for an 8 yr is the key here. He wasn't even mean to anyone involved. Just silent protest. What a great kid!
And even if he should be punished (which he shouldn't), one month is absolutely farcical. At that point, it's the parent using punishment to vent their anger and not any kind of tool.
Yeah, I would consider that level to be quite abusive. OP said:
Grounded for the month. No fun. No treats. No friends. No electronics or anything he would enjoy.
—-
So I am assuming the son is expected to do nothing but daydream at the exes house. No toys, going outside, if it means it could be fun for the kid. I can’t imagine being 8 and having nothing to do.
Also, it's straight up bad for the child. No enrichment???? No vitamin D??? No developing social skills with friend, no creative outlet with toys or developing fine motor skills with play??? The first nine/ten years are very very important in regards to childhood development, just the basics of growing and some vague shaping
After that is when rules get more concrete, the child is better at seperating the inner world/the self Vs the outer world/the others.
A grounding that intense that long will do nothing but harm.
i haven’t forgiven my parents for the way they used to punish me when I was 6 and i’m 28 now. this kid is gonna grow up to feel chronically abandoned by his own father
EDIT: spelling
My kid has severe stomach pain before any big event, even ones he is looking forward to. He has come home early from 2 scout camping trips because of it, and he was distraught the entire time to be missing the fun. This has also caused him to miss things that he wasn't looking forward to, and that did indeed seem suspiciously like he was faking, but when put in context with the tones when he missed events that he wanted to attend, it is clear that he is genuinely freaking out about the new thing and that his anxiety leads to real physical stomach issues.
It would be 100% reasonable for the kid in this story to have real stomach pain before his dad's remarriage and for that to get better once the kid is no longer expected to put on weird clothes and stand in front of a bunch of strangers and fake smile and remember a set of seemingly-pointless steps during the service. To punish him for being anxious about the entire shape of his family changing is just cruel.
(Yes, my kid is in therapy and has recently started a low dose of Prozac. He got through the first day of middle school with a backup Zofran in his pocket but not used and without missing any of the events of the first day due to anxiety pains.)
NTA
Start documentation. Your ex is making unreasonable demands to overrule your parenting decisions and your parenting authority. His spouse is making harmful statements about your son’s upbringing.
I cannot imagine how terrible life is at your ex’s house, or how badly he’s been treated as to fake an illness out of protest against this wedding.
You’re going to need those records for the upcoming custody revision that you’re going to have to file for in family court.
Divorced dad here - Things could be absolutely fine over there and this would happen. Divorce is traumatic for kids and new marriages (or even dating relationships) aren't much better. Their world, over which they have zero control, is getting upended again and any hope their parents will reconcile has been dashed. This shit is scary for kids and it sucks for them to have to go through it.
Dad is failing big time though. He needs to work on empathizing with his kid and recognizing that 8 yo's aren't rational actors.
I also worry about his treatment with the new family. I think therapy is great but I also think you should talk to him and let him be more honest about his treatment when he’s at his dads by his step family. This could get ugly I feel so sorry for your son but I’m glad he has you as his mom.
> I cannot imagine how terrible life is at your ex’s house, or how badly he’s been treated as to fake an illness out of protest against this wedding.
Life doesn't have to be objectively terrible, nor do they have to have treated him badly. Going through broken and new families is hard on children, even if all their parents and new siblings are good people treating them well.
NTA
Dont let your ex dictate how you treat your child, the "ex" part is there for a reason.
Your child never lied to you. He was honest, he told you his troubles, im guessing he is apologetic (to an extent) to him "tricking" your ex and his partner. You yourself have NO reason whatsoever to punish your child, as long as you arent purposefully undermining your ex's authority.
And he is 8, for crying out loud.
NTA. Sounds like ex and his wife gave no time for the kid to adjust (especially what you said about the stepsister literally forcing a "bond"), and are now reaping what they sowed. At least your kid has one understanding parent (and hopefully one patient step parent)
Sounds like a good partner to keep, this time. You are both willing to keep your own wants at bay, in the interest of all kids involved. And your son will probably "warm up" to them and your partner way before warming up to his dad, let alone the rest of the forced family.
This. Letting him acclimate without trying to force it is way more likely to result in a better genuine relationship, faster. Saying “this is your new stepparent and you’ll pretend to like it or no fun for a month” is just gonna ensure the kid resents stepmommy forever.
as the kid in a blended family who’s parents took similar approaches to your ex and you (granted i was much older) you are doing everything right to support your kid. you are fostering so much trust and comfort in letting your kid develop a relationship with your partner and their kids in his own time. kudos to you and hopefully your ex can come around with some compassion.
I feel like your ex and his new wife aren't being nearly as conscious of the fact that their kids lives are the ones being upended and changed the most here. You're making sure all the children involved are healthy and happy and taking into account their needs, which is how parents should approach blending families.
Sounds like you're doing something similar to what I did. My husband and I got married early this year. We had been dating for nearly 2 years before getting married. We made sure that my son (7 at the time) and my husband were building a good relationship. In fact, I asked him if he was OK with us getting married. He was so ok with it that he agreed to be my escort down the aisle. We haven't forced any names or titles as you've said and have taken our time to build a family.
You're going about this the right way, mama! Thank you for being so considerate and compassionate with your son! I wish you and your future blended family all the best!
NTA that's not punishment it's abuse and you were correct to stop it
You can't punish someone into being happy or getting over the trauma of family dynamic change like this - which is what your ex and his new wife are trying to do
the kid faked being sick to get out of going to the wedding for goodness sake! that's a huge red flag that he needs support.
not punishment for not being able or cope as well as they think he should be.
Honestly also imo kids should be allowed to not go to weddings etc ecspecilly if they decide they're going to be upset there - would they have preferred he gone and have had an emotional meltdown at the wedding?
I'm Sure they'd have punished him in that case too it seems like he was put in a lose/lose situation by them and it sucks they're supposed to be looking out for him, not setting him up to fail waiting for him to fail an punishing him getting obsessed with the punishment like this it's WERID do they put any time into helping him be happy or just punishing him for not being happy ?
It's really sad the kid didn't feel like he could just say no to going to the wedding and had to lie to try to escape the wrath of his new step mum and his so-called father
INFO : are they anti therapy?
Yeah he sounds like a peice of work who is selfishly doing harm to his kid. "growing a spine and toughening up" just sounds like another way to say " stiff upper lip pretend it's all okay and bottle it up or you're a baby " that's how you end up having a nervous breakdown or exploding or "suddenly" dying from a suicide nobody else saw coming because you just repressed your emotions and didn't talk about them or learn to cope with them. He is setting up his son to fail in life by not taking mental health and emotions seriously
INFO: Does your son actually WANT to live with them? Could you go for more Custody ? Do they often punish him for his emotions and are the punishments often outsized like this one is?
If the punishment is ever physically you need to report that and go for full custody.
INFO : are his step sisters bullying him or harming him in some way or does he just not get on with them?
I would reccomend trying a parenting through separation course if therapy isn't on the table for your ex but idk how receptive they'd be to that either they seem like the type who don't want more potential witnesses who could report possible abuse hence being anti therapy
I'm guessing the stepmother is letting her daughter do this or encouraging her to. It's not okay it's abusive and you should try to get full custody or supervised visits for when he's there imo
It seems like your ex is selfish and doesnt care about the wellbeing of his son now that his "new" kids are in the picture it's really shitty and sad it could also be that the son reminds him of you and he's taking that out on the kid (not your fault or the kids fault what he's doing is abusive )
Please please don't just assume it'll be okay and leave him there in that situation - talk to your lawyer and try to organise a mediation or something where you can discuss it with your ex WITH Witnesses or just apply for full custody maybe with monitored visits for him if you think he's willing to stop abusing your son...
He sounds obsessed with his new wife and her kids to an unhealthy degree where he's abusing the son for not fitting In with them into some selfish imagined "perfect family" idea he's created so I sadly think he's not likely to change without therapy or a wakeup call of being told how much he is hurting his son with this behaviour and by not protecting him
If your child reports distress and the therapist agrees that being at that house is causing your son distress, you could use that to push for more custody with the therapists backing.
So he has his dad ignoring him, his dad's wife calling him names and the oldest kid trying to flex on him - probably mimicking her mom.
Sounds like an absolute nightmare in terms of household dynamics and I can guarantee your son will grow up resenting each and every person in that household; or developing poor escape behaviors to get away from these people; or lashing out in his teens. They're all trying to control him in one way shape or form and take away any autonomy he has. That's a recipe for disaster!
> At the very least my ex believes therapy is pointless and is used to make excuses for bad behavior and not growing a spine and toughening up when life is coming at you.
Sounds like somebody who'd really *benefit* from therapy.
Nta.
Your son probably did have a stomach ache because he was anxious and his feelings were so jumbled it was true. Then, he got better because the anxiety was gone cuz he didn't have to go in the end.
Your ex is punishing your child for having emotions and feelings? I can see why he's your ex.
Save the email and other written communication about the 4 week punishment. I am concerned that your ex's behavior towards your son will escalate next time kiddo returns to his care.
Grounding an 8 for four weeks absolutely seems excessive. sounds like dad is trying to mentally beat him into submission of the new family. It’s sad how many stories see on here where kids are punished for simply having their own feelings
Just a thought- would ex’s refusal to engage w/ your son’s therapist be medical neglect? If ex is anti therapy while your son has a diagnosed mental health need, I think that needs to be addressed.
He does, but if it comes down to a custody battle (hopefully not) it would be worth pointing out to the judge that you're encouraging improving your son's mental health while your ex isn't, and worse, doesn't even believe in doing so.
As a kid who had me ocd symptoms from a young age with no therapy to help, the idea of leaving this unaddressed with your ex pains me. Mental healthcare is real healthcare and shouldn’t go neglected.
Sorry you’re dealing with this OP. I realize there aren’t any easy answers for you.
I'm not even allowed to send my kid to see a therapist unless my ex agrees to it. She's very much against it. During the custody fight with lawyers, I was repeatedly asking for my kid to see a therapist and being denied. Her sister had recently gotten full custody because her nephew (sister's kid) said he wanted to kill himself in school and it was during father's time. She tried to set it up to make it look like my kid is abused and wants to kill herself, hoping that this school would also send a kid to involuntary psych hold and win custody. The school saw through it, and very strongly recommended seeing a therapist instead. There was a carefully worded recommendation which seemed like a threat of getting child services involved if it didn't happen. That's how I got my kid to see a therapist for a while, and a lot of the crazy stuff she did to my kid stopped. It's been a long while since she's seen that therapist and some of the crazy things being done there are happening again.
Definitely monitor the situation closely. Also, keep talking to the therapist. You may be able to get the therapists support to help you modify the custody agreement.
NTA. "The beatings will continue until moral improves".
If your ex wants your son to embrace his new family, he is going about it the wrong way. I doubt this was the first time your son showed disapproval of the new relationship and all it entailed.
I hope you are doing all you can to protect your son.
NTA.
I skipped my mom's wedding. Didn't lie or play sick, just told her I'd rather not go. She said she was sad but understood, and that was that. We brought it up at mother daughter counseling, but only once, it wasn't a high drama moment for us.
I'm sorry that your ex doesn't respect his son enough that your son had to lie to get out of going.
NTA. I'm surprised at your ex's response to the truth. My reaction would have been to ask why he didn't want to go. I think that grounding him for a month is too much, and stops any hope of your son and your ex having a warm relationship. Regarding the amount of information you receive from your son, I also made the decision that I'd rather know what was going on and not punish my daughter. Though I'm sure many people will disagree with me, IMHO it's the the right road to take. Her ability to tell me anything has resulted in a lot of productive conversations (drugs, sex, etc) and I wouldn't change anything.
100% NTA. You’re approaching it by helping understand why he did what he did (wasn’t trivial like to stay home and play video games obviously). Which is what dad/new family should be asking themselves. Instead they deflect and seek steep punishment to force him to get along and move forward. This approach will only deepen the divide and any resentment he may have.
NTA
Please consider talking to a lawyer about revising custody. This is just the beginning of them bullying your son for not accepting their marriage. He's only 8. He needs to feel safe and listened to, not ignored, and shouted down.
NTA and I commend you for how well you're handling this. Thank you for recognizing how difficult this is for a child. The fact that you delayed your own relationship, talked with your son about his issues, and got him therapy are all good things. I think adults forget that children don't process things like adults. Having your parents divorce and remarry is world shattering for a child. Your ex is being selfish expecting your son to celebrate something so upsetting. And punishing him for it is inappropriate.
NTA - You ex and his wife will get a lot further with your son using a carrot instead of a stick. Not sure why so many people in these situations don’t see that. You can’t punish a child into loving you.
NTA. If your son opposed his dad's remarriage enough to fake being sick, he's clearly having a problem with it. His dad will probably find that punishing him will have the opposite effect of bringing the new family together. Now son has even more reason to dislike them. I'm so glad he's seeing a therapist. Keep it up.
I'm not sure he was faking. Maybe he did feel sick about it and got better when he was relieved he didn't have to go. My son did the same thing for my grandpa's funeral. He was super anxious and nauseous and my husband sat in the car with him.
You should caring for your kid. I didn't go to my dad's wedding to his second wife at eight years old. He never forgave me but I wasn't cool with his marriage. (I don't regret it either.)
First of all, your ex can't control your household. Second of all, you don't even have to speak to his wife. Her opinion is largely irrelevant. Your kid is going to have a tough road ahead. NTA.
Honestly, I think you both need to work on your co-parenting skills together, because that's not healthy for anyone in the situation. Not you, not them, and certainly not Callum.
Therapy for the boy was a legendary move on your part, there are too many people out there who don't believe children need therapy and it's an incredibly frustrating thing to see (As if children don't have thoughts and feelings, they need help processing like wtf?)
Wishing you all the best in an incredibly frustrating situation. Callum is lucky to have you.
NTA - you’re not bound by your ex’s punishments for your son and your ex is not bound by any punishments you give your son.
You’ve also not sought to weaponise it against your ex or told your son he doesn’t have to abide by it when he’s with your ex. So your ex and his new partner are just being divas.
NTA
Easy to see why the boy didn't want to go, and why his father's now your ex. Pushy, entitled, and clearly didn't do enough to make his own kid feel welcomed and include you enough to help him adjust to such a big change.
You're a good parent, OP.
I wouldn't be surprised if your kid isn't looking forward to spending time in a house with a mean stepmother and her daughters along with a mean father.
Honestly, tell them you'll honor their punishment so he gets credit for "time served" at your house, then just don't do it. This is not something to punish him for. Your Ex isn't taking his feelings into account at all. When your son is 18 and doesn't talk to his dad/SM, they'll still have no idea why. NTA.
NTA - the fact that an 8 year old does not want to do something and feels the need to lie to stay home to get out of said event, is **not** a reason for punishment. It's a reason for (better) communication and understanding. It's his father's job to understand his son and show compassion for his feelings. It's sad to see that most parents just order their children around without any regard for their feelings, just because they're kids.
Did your ex never once consider that maybe if his kid faked being sick to get out of being at their wedding maybe something was up and the kid wasn’t fully on board with his dad getting remarried?? This is like textbook “hey something is up and I want you to notice but this is the only way I feel I can communicate it to you” and I don’t even have kids. NTA.
NTA. At all. He was crying to be heard by his father and was dismissed. I'd document, document, document and push for more custody. This sounds like a possibly toxic household. Not only to mention WTF is step mom doing butting into an A to B conversation. She is not part of the parenting/decision making team for your son. Home sauce needs to stay in her lane.
NTA. I get Dad being mad about skipping the wedding but there's a much larger issue that he's completely ignoring, which is probably why things played out the way they did. The therapist appt was the perfect response. Dad will realize whether he likes it or not, that he can't just will this stuff away. His son's feelings are real, and this is going to be an ongoing issue. I would see if you can schedule regular recurring appts with therapist at least for a while and maybe not now, but I would keep in the back of your mind, maybe a need for visitation change with Dad.
Nta.
I think being grounded for that long isn't fair. Punishment for lying is reasonable, also explaining to him that his feelings are valid but that there were better ways to express his feelings.
He's struggling to adapt to the changes, and it's understandable. I would suggest a conversation with his therapist about moving forward.
That line about, "not allowing your son to dictate your life" is a real tell that the step-mother either hates that her new husband has a pre-existing son, or she's just not a very good mother as parents routinely tailor their lives around their still minor aged kids. An inability or unwillingness to is generally a sign of a bad parent.
NTA
**NTA** your EX and his mistress have a right to be upset and dish out discipline.
4 Weeks "without any kind of fun" is not discipline. It's **pure vindictive retribution.** Sounds like step mommy dearest was offended and wants to make sure your son understands who's in charge now.
Ask your ex if he's so fucking stupid he's willing to get his son to despise him for such a miniscule and petty offense.
The imbecile might wanna reconsider that he married Cinderella's step mom and she might kill him for the insurance money. that's besides the point though.
NTA Ask ex what about the disrespect he and now wife have shown to son? They disregarded his feelings. No, son didn't want to go celebrate something he didn't think of as a celebration. Is there some kind of recording device that son could have on his person at all times so you can see how he is treated by stepmom and stepsisters.
NTA. It sounds like your son is having a very hard time adjusting to the marriage and instead of trying to help him your ex is punishing him. That's probably going to backfire tbh.
your ex is doing a good job of ensuring your son never accepts his step mother or step sisters, and that he will go NC with his dad in the coming years. sorry that your ex got his feelings hurt, but seeing as he isn't even attempting to understand his son's feelings, I think he can go cry about it. NTA
He is still a kid. Punishing him for being emotional on something due to the changes on his life is a valid thing. Thank you OP for listening to him and bringing him to a therapist. Your son needed that.
And please have custody of him if you can 🥺 I believe there is a reason why he doesn't like his stepmom and stepsis.
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Your house, your rules. NTA and you sound like a very considerate mom. Getting him an appointment with his therapist was the right thing to do!
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You should push for as much custody as possible. Things at your ex’s house will only get worse. They will ostracize your son for his feelings of unease due to the changing family dynamic. This is very dangerous and can result in repression and internalized trauma later on.
right they will try to force it, he will resist more, become resentful and they will punish him more.
Ya it’s a vicious circle with the son worse off for it all.
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My thought exactly. The kid knew his dad would just have an attitude and brush off his concerns like he's done before. Kid's been miserable about the situation for two years and I'm sure his dad has never bothered to really talk with him about it all in the hopes that his issues with his dad remarrying would just magically go away.
'The beatings will continue until morale improves'.
If ever there was a time for the dad-meme *I'm not mad, I'm disappointed*...
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My stepmom told me at 6 that she would never love me or care about me. Stepparents can be douches! We all just ppl.fighting for attention of the ones we love...
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This makes my heart hurt. How can someone do that?!! ❤️🩹
People can be douches, people love hating on step-releatives across the board. Hell, half-blood relatives are delegated to garbage with everyone implying that you can treat them how ever you want because they used your Xbox one time when they were 7.
I'm so, so sorry anyone, especially your stepmom, said this to you. I'm blessed with a stepdaughter who's now one of my best friends, her stepkids and their kids--and I love them all so much it brings tears to my eyes. I hope you have plenty of other people in your life who give you the love you've always deserved.
Jesus. I do not want or even really like kids and I cannot even imagine EVER saying something like this to a child. If you don't want to be a step parent...don't date someone who has kids.
I hated going to my dads house because his wife's daughter was jsit a spoiled brat who threw fits until she got what she wanted. My dad always made us give in to her to make his wife happy because that's what she did -give in. I tried just playing by myself one day to deal with being forced to go over there and he came barging into the room I was in and screamed at me to go play with the other kids. He scared the shit outta me. I will never forget how ignorant he was to what I was going through ,he just didn't even ask me what was up he just barked orders at me.
And now he stares at his phone. "why wont she call me"
My stepmother would purposely make tuna casserole for us when we told them we hated tuna. We had never eaten it. But, every time we came to visit, she made it the first night for dinner. My dad lived about 2 hours away which took about 5 hours by bus. We got tired of it and, as we got more involved in things in high school, stopped visiting. He couldn't be bothered to make the 2-hour drive to us. We went no contact after a nasty letter he wrote us 2 weeks after I started high school because we didn't answer his letter of his fast enough.
I was going to say this, having been in a near exact situation when I was a kid, 8 or 9 yrs old. My ‘dad’ (I hate calling him that, I usually call him by first name) split from my mom, got married w/ the girl he was cheating with. I refused to go to the wedding. Stepmom was not kind to me either. Long story, but I don’t speak to any of them and have dealt with a lot of family issues since. I stopped visit and communicating with them all. Still dealing with that trauma and BS it caused…30 years later. Get them out of that household. It’s so hard to comprehend “I’m punishing you because I’m forcing you to do stuff you don’t want to” - I thought my ‘dad’ hated me. It was brought up for years how disappointed in me he was for it and for refusing to call his new wife mom. I won’t dive into it all, but it fucked me up & caused a lot of problems. Thankfully, my mom got full custody after stepmom hit me with a frying pan ‘to motivate me’ to do all the house chores while her kid played games, because I hated being there and would just stay in my room till the weekend/custody visit was over. Not even kidding. Not saying that’s what is happening there, but I didn’t know that treatment was not okay and for years thought I deserved it.
I'm so sorry you had to deal with that.
The idea that them getting married makes them a family is laughably naive. If they want to bury their heads in the sand instead of confronting the problem like OP did that is their choice but they live with the consequences. NTA by any means.
This, and I can almost guarantee the stepmum will not always be the nicest about op if this is how she acts over what is ultimately a pretty minor (if personal) issue.
My cousin started heroin at 14 because his stepdad created a similar situation. Kid's feelings should be respected. I'd be signing up for therapy. Not grounding. It's entirely possible anxiety had him crippled that morning and lifted. Maybe he wasn't lying but couldn't name his feelings.
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Yeah, pretty severe reaction towards son. I doubt this punishment will help son with his adjustment to this new family. He’s 8. Poor kid.
Yez OP, I'm worried about your son going back there. I just want to say that I grew up in an abusive,unloving home, and I'm 42 with decades of therapy and still messed up. Keep protecting your child, he needs it
I am convinced my mother was mentally ill. Plus, I was born half deaf and fully HFA, high functioning Autistic. She called me "stupid" every day. I am 67, years of counseling, and I remain resentful. We are twins, 25 years apart. I am sorry this happened to you.
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I am also concerned that the ex expected you to walk out a punishment that he did not show you the courtesy or respect of discussing with you first. Ex sounds REALLY self centered. I probably would not be interested in hearing what his wife thought at all. Plus why did your son have to go if he does not want to? I would have maybe focused on why he didn't want to go. I think it can be dangerous when children don't feel safe to express their concerns. Good Luck to you and your little man!
And his new wife is just as self-centered. She has no right to dictate to OP on how to be a mother as well as the ex.
Its going to be a long drawn out battle if your ex is anything like my dad.(came from the same situation i didnt attend my dad's wedding either) he still fights with my mom over punishments and responsibilities and when my brother goes to his place. Your kid will thank you later for being a place of refuge away from the crazy
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Can I ask what is the punishment for the four weeks. Is it no dessert? Is it no playdates? I think the four weeks for an 8 year old is excessive and frankly concerning that your ex feels like that punishment fits the crime. I’m wondering what the finer points of it are.
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Wow. That’s harsh and really excessive. I would save all documentation for this. I would also inform your ex that if he intends to dole out punishments like that where he expects you to follow through then he needs to consult you and agree on things together. Is there anything in your custody agreement that could allow for you to keep custody of son longer given the circumstances? And is this worth a conversation with a lawyer? Because I wouldn’t even give this punishment to a teenager it’s just highly inappropriate. Particularly for and 8 year old.
I have four kids and I was thinking that a one month grounding is pretty excessive for that age. Full out grounding is always excessive to me but a month for that age!?!?!?! My oldest son’s therapist got us on a system of one privilege removed at a time with a set amount of time (2-3 days maybe) but with a chore buyback. They have to earn it back. If they choose not to do the work then they might lose that privilege for weeks but they’re in control. And frankly any parent that can’t see through an 8yo faking sick and try to get to the root of the problem needs their head examined. 🙄
Right? My thought is maybe son did feel sick too. How do we know he was lying. If there was something I was dreading at that age I would often have a mind body connection and get constipated or feel nauseous. It’s entirely possible he legitimately felt sick. I think this is dad punishing son for not being on board and playing into this “happy family narrative” wouldn’t surprise me if people talked at the wedding asking where son was and dad was embarrassed so this is him taking it out on son for that.
That was my first thought as well. The stress of the situation was very likely making him feel very unwell and once the family left for the wedding, the discomfort was alleviated. That doesn't automatically mean the child was lying; they were being forced into an extremely uncomfortable situation. OP is definitely NTA.
Also he could easily have been sick to the stomach because of the anxiety. When he realized the 'threat' has left/he felt safe - pain went away. Kids can't verbalize this or differentiate, like this... especially if he knows/believes that 'admitting' to it being a lie (which it wasn't) is more safe than speaking the truth (that he doesn't want to be there etc.).
I was dreading my first day in a new school in 4th grade and spent the entire night before, along with the entire morning getting ready until we left, throwing up from the stress. Your brain can definitely make you actually physically sick!
Frankly that’s absurd. He is 8!! A punishment should be appropriate not only for the “crime” but also the child’s age. That is excessive. I don’t see things getting better for your son at his fathers house. Honestly I feel for your little guy. I have a step son. He’s almost 15 now but was 4 when his dad and I married. I understand how scary it was for him to have a new step mom and a new step sister. I was careful to be mindful of that when it came to his behavior. I understood he might lash out or be angry about all the changes. I never took it personally. I just tried to love him. It was really hard at times. He really resented me for “taking his dad away”. So we would set aside time for him and his dad to go do stuff just them. We made sure that any “family” events happened when we had him, so he never felt like he was being pushed out . And if he messed up, or lashed out, it was a conversation first, not a punishment. If a consequence was required because his behavior had hurt someone else, it was appropriate to age. Basically I wore that kid down with love. We have a really good relationship now. He knows I love him and I’m not going anywhere. He’s my kid and I’ll fight dragons for him. My husband is the same way with my daughter. Blending families is not easy. It requires intention and patience. And that the adults understand they are dealing with children having emotional reactions like children do. These people that marry a person with kids and then treat the kids like crap make me furious. I’m angry for your little guy. He deserves better. Sadly I don’t see it getting better. If they are punishing him this severely at his young age, I have a feeling it will only get worse. Every time he doesn’t fall in line like they want they will likely overreact. Your son was a hurt little boy who didn’t know how to deal with his big emotions. Upset kids get stomach aches. Shame on your ex. If I were you I’d take him back to court and insist on family counseling for your son. I feel like this is just the beginning of your son being punished for his (normal and healthy) emotions.
I'd talk to your lawyer about your options re your ex's inappropriate and grossly unreasonable (at best) behavior. Most family-court judges aren't going to like what he tried to do.
Yikes, that's harsh, excessive, and a really good way to make the poor kid even less thrilled with being around dad and the steps. Dad's not teaching the lessons he thinks he is. What he's teaching is that he (dad) is petty, vengeful, cruel, and not at all safe. He shouldn't be surprised when his son no longer wants to go to dad's house (and it won't be too long in the future before a judge will take his feelings into consideration.)
I'm assuming you already do this but I would insist on further communication about anything with your ex be in text or email format for evidence reasons.
That like felony conviction stuff for an 8 year old. Did he have a lawyer? Because for that amount of time he should have one.
Please contact your lawyer about getting primary custody. Your ex sucks and your son deserves better than to be miserable every other week he’s there for two months.
So he just gets to sit there and watch while they laugh and have fun. they make Super-Villians that way. (kidding. Kind of) But, honestly your sons not going to respond well to that. That will build anger and resentment. Resentment which will eventually come out. they are making the kid not like them
I think you need to have a long talk with your attorney about custody but also about how to enforce your son being taken to the therapist while staying with his Dad, if at all possible. It might also be worthwhile trying to get Dad to meet with the therapist with you. I get being angry about this but a month is a ridiculously long time for an 8 year old. I can see a week but a month? Dad is insane.
That's ridiculous, you did the right thing by not backing your ex up. You also did the right thing by actually doing something. What your son did was concerning and required intervention, but with compassion, not punishment.
I’m concerned he wasn’t lying and actually felt sick and then when he didn’t have to go and the stressed was gone then he felt better. I mean I would often feel sick if I really didn’t want to do something at that age. Because my body didn’t know how to handle the anxiety. Even now I will get nauseated if I have to do something that stresses me out. As an adult I know if I just push ahead it will pass but as a kid I didn’t know that. And if that’s the case punishment will only make things worse and what he really needs is therapy.
This! Is he being punished for lying? Or punishment for his feelings, which still haven't been discussed with ex. Glad OP is giving him support and talking it through in a kind way. Son's feelings will get worse not better with dad's approach.
I think it’s dad punishing son for his feelings. This is just so absolutely over the top for a small lie like this. He said he wasn’t feeling good and felt sick. When I really didn’t want to do something I had times I did feel sick and if my parents kept me back home and I didn’t have to go then I felt better. It’s entirely possible he was even telling the truth.
I know your son admitted to faking being sick but I would consider the possibility that he got the idea from actually feeling sick to his stomach/a knot in his stomach over the wedding. I know when something happens that I deeply DO NOT WANT TO HAPPEN it makes my stomach hurt. So, I'd also grant him some grace in that he may have actually felt physical discomfort about the wedding and the changes it meant to his life.
Right? Like maybe he was having an anxiety or panic attack, which always makes me feel sick to my stomach, and when everyone left and he got to stay he started feeling better.
Agreed, anxiety has physical symptoms and he may very well have felt very sick at the thought of what was about to happen to his world. Either way, poor kid.
Yes he probably had so much anxiety built up and it manifested as a physical stomach ache. This happened to me as a child and I just always thought i was sick. Poor little guy.
I'm 41 and have been LC with my parents the past few years. There have been times when, even though we've reached a degree of equilibrium over the past couple, seeing one or both gets me stressed to the point of nausea, so I can't eat with them in the neutral ground of a deli or restaurant. I agreed to go stay with them over Christmas because my sister and her family, who I have a good and growing relationship with, were coming, and came down with tonsillitis before I left. Possibly a coincidence, but it's tough to rule out my high anxiety about going back for a few days opened the door. When my family made a big move when I was 7, before my now five years of consistent therapy, I was sick for *months.* The pediatrician couldn't explain it beyond homesickness, and my parents left it at that. Massive, massive ups to OP for the quick turn to therapy, and absolutely, this kid could have been having discomfort that cleared up when the *stressors*, ie biodad and soon to be what sounds like a stepmonster were removed. I hope OP can get increased custody if not full. Dad's household is not a healthy environment for him right now.
You're nta and are right to not continue the punishment but you absolutely should communicate to him that lying and faking sick is very very wrong and can one, lead to people not believing when you really are sick which can be dangerous. Also, that in the future he can always feel okay communicating his feelings in a healthy way no matter the reaction they get in return because we can't control how other people react but we can still be rational and emotionally evolved. And that when he communicates with his father and they choose to punish him for sharing (NOT BY BEING A JERK. but write it down if he has to) then you'll have his back
It sounds like he trusts his mother more than his father, but it wouldn't be bad to reinforce this with a serious conversation. Honestly, when I read the title I thought it'd be like "son stole a thing and needs to learn actions have consequences" but this is more like "ex dismissed his son and now suffers the consequences". Of course son never told ex anything after that, and of course OP doesn't want to continue the punishment for something like that.
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But its a failure of his dad that the boy cant tell him what he feels.
I had a friend with a mom like you, and the day the bad thing happened - we were 19, drunk, and stranded almost an hour from our home town because we didn't want to ride home with our friend who was far too drunk to drive - he said, "It's ok, we can call my mom." We found a payphone (late 90s) and called her and while she wasn't exactly impressed with our behaviour, she came and picked us up. She didn't even tell my parents. At the time, I couldn't understand that kind of trust. You're a great mom, OP.
If you're son hates being there that much.... It might be time for lawyers as well
Widowed dad here, and I applaud you for your approach. My parenting challenges are different because I don’t have an ex to deal with or co-parenting challenges, but I also have to deal with kids who struggle with the changes to our family and the prospect of additional disruption when and if I find a new partner. I find your approach inspiring, and your son is lucky to have you. NTA.
You are a good mom always remember that! Your son trust you and can communicate with you!
You’re doing the right thing and you sound like a wonderful mom
> Your house, your rules. I don't think that should apply to coparenting. Major decisions should be made together to give the kid as close to a consistent structure as possible. However, this is a ridiculous punishment, and I don't think OP is wrong for objecting to it.
If it truly was co-parenting, he should have discussed a month long punishment with his ex first, instead of just deciding and expecting his ex to follow his ridiculous punishment.
This is because he doesn't want to co-parent. He wants to be large and in charge in all circumstances.
agree - and if dad had approached her, had a conversation and they decided on a punishment together, that’d be ideal
"My son's mental health is more important than your ego. There'll be no further discussion on this." NTA. Also ask his wife to f off if she tries to talk to you. Your ex is the only person with whom you co-parent.
Having both parents support each other with punishments is good parenting. But dad is not a good parent. He freaked out on his kid for not making the wedding perfect- but obviously Callum has problems he can’t talk to his dad about. Dad wants his perfect little family and Callum isn’t obeying him. OP did the exact right thing, getting him some therapy to deal with it all healthily.
WHY ARE WE EVEN THINKING OF PUNISHMENT? He stayed home. It was his form of protest, a way to control an untenable, by his standards, situation in a small way. He could not stop the event, but chose not to participate. He did Not ruin the day. For an eight year old he did pretty well; no histrionics, no sabotage, no damage or bad manners. BTW, don’t you think the kid got punished enough being thrust into a familial relationship that he is not ready to accept? But old daddy-o is allllll about himself. And four weeks for an eight year old….. YEESH! (Someone is about to find out how long a displaced 8yr old can hold on to the hurt, while Never accepting the “new and improved” family.) Best of luck to the boy, he deserves so much better than he is receiving. EDIT: NTA… I am team Mom: therapy and understanding.
The punishments will continue until morale improves.
Or the kid is old enough to decide where he can live which can be between 12 and 16 in many places. Or of course, OP gets changes to the custody agreement.
Literally! Dad’s response is cruel.
This isn't the military 😆 😂 🤣 😅
Does dad know that?
Oh, sure, by *your* standards he didn't ruin the day, but to THEM, the day was ruined because he wasn't *actively celebrating*. You know. Pretending everything was fine. Saying he wanted them as family. Reassuring them. How are they supposed to feel good about their choices if he won't support them?? Because that's an eight-year-old's job, right? Barf.
The whole cultural movement around validation has gotten weird at this point. Originally is was about recognizing who you really were and accepting that it was valid to be a particular way, and it wasn't about everyone else having to agree with you and celebrate those traits. Now we're demanding validation of adult choices from children?
Thhhhiiissssss
I also think he may not have been lying about the stomach ache, even if he did “admit” to lying. Anxiety presents differently in kids, and one common symptom is stomach pain. OP’s son was anxious about the wedding, and his body showed that stress through a stomach ache. Once the anxiety was gone (dad and family left for the wedding and he didn’t have to go) the stomach ache left too. If dad got it set in his head that his son had been lying, he could have asked in a leading manner. E.g. “you’re not even sick are you? You just made it up so you didn’t have to go.” The son can tell that he isn’t actually sick, so he agrees that he made it up. Part of him might know it isn’t but he doesn’t have a better explanation, or he actually believes his dad and thinks that the pain was all in his head. Just my opinion as someone who had childhood anxiety, but didn’t know how to express what was going on internally. Good on OP for helping her son get the tools he needs to process his difficult feelings. Definitely, NTA.
Yea true! My sibling used to get stomach issues really bad when he was anxious, sometimes even throwing up. Can’t rule out neurological health impacting physical health.
This is such a good point! I have GAD and even as an adult it can manifest as stomach distress, I'm surprised I didn't think of that. Still sounds like the kid lied about throwing up, but maybe he meant something more like dry heaving? Because as a kid I might have described that as "I threw up, but nothing came up" or "I threw up but I didn't throw anything up."
He handled it, even though he lied, the best ready possible for an 8 yr is the key here. He wasn't even mean to anyone involved. Just silent protest. What a great kid!
And even if he should be punished (which he shouldn't), one month is absolutely farcical. At that point, it's the parent using punishment to vent their anger and not any kind of tool.
Yeah, I would consider that level to be quite abusive. OP said: Grounded for the month. No fun. No treats. No friends. No electronics or anything he would enjoy. —- So I am assuming the son is expected to do nothing but daydream at the exes house. No toys, going outside, if it means it could be fun for the kid. I can’t imagine being 8 and having nothing to do.
Also, it's straight up bad for the child. No enrichment???? No vitamin D??? No developing social skills with friend, no creative outlet with toys or developing fine motor skills with play??? The first nine/ten years are very very important in regards to childhood development, just the basics of growing and some vague shaping After that is when rules get more concrete, the child is better at seperating the inner world/the self Vs the outer world/the others. A grounding that intense that long will do nothing but harm.
i haven’t forgiven my parents for the way they used to punish me when I was 6 and i’m 28 now. this kid is gonna grow up to feel chronically abandoned by his own father EDIT: spelling
I wouldn't even ground him if he had spilled red wine on his stepmother dress. They got off easy imo.
My kid has severe stomach pain before any big event, even ones he is looking forward to. He has come home early from 2 scout camping trips because of it, and he was distraught the entire time to be missing the fun. This has also caused him to miss things that he wasn't looking forward to, and that did indeed seem suspiciously like he was faking, but when put in context with the tones when he missed events that he wanted to attend, it is clear that he is genuinely freaking out about the new thing and that his anxiety leads to real physical stomach issues. It would be 100% reasonable for the kid in this story to have real stomach pain before his dad's remarriage and for that to get better once the kid is no longer expected to put on weird clothes and stand in front of a bunch of strangers and fake smile and remember a set of seemingly-pointless steps during the service. To punish him for being anxious about the entire shape of his family changing is just cruel. (Yes, my kid is in therapy and has recently started a low dose of Prozac. He got through the first day of middle school with a backup Zofran in his pocket but not used and without missing any of the events of the first day due to anxiety pains.)
NTA Start documentation. Your ex is making unreasonable demands to overrule your parenting decisions and your parenting authority. His spouse is making harmful statements about your son’s upbringing. I cannot imagine how terrible life is at your ex’s house, or how badly he’s been treated as to fake an illness out of protest against this wedding. You’re going to need those records for the upcoming custody revision that you’re going to have to file for in family court.
Divorced dad here - Things could be absolutely fine over there and this would happen. Divorce is traumatic for kids and new marriages (or even dating relationships) aren't much better. Their world, over which they have zero control, is getting upended again and any hope their parents will reconcile has been dashed. This shit is scary for kids and it sucks for them to have to go through it. Dad is failing big time though. He needs to work on empathizing with his kid and recognizing that 8 yo's aren't rational actors.
He might not have even been faking… anxiety makes your stomach hurt. People do feel nauseous when they are emotionally distressed.
I also worry about his treatment with the new family. I think therapy is great but I also think you should talk to him and let him be more honest about his treatment when he’s at his dads by his step family. This could get ugly I feel so sorry for your son but I’m glad he has you as his mom.
Also, the therapist should definitely be able to help her with documentation.
> I cannot imagine how terrible life is at your ex’s house, or how badly he’s been treated as to fake an illness out of protest against this wedding. Life doesn't have to be objectively terrible, nor do they have to have treated him badly. Going through broken and new families is hard on children, even if all their parents and new siblings are good people treating them well.
NTA Dont let your ex dictate how you treat your child, the "ex" part is there for a reason. Your child never lied to you. He was honest, he told you his troubles, im guessing he is apologetic (to an extent) to him "tricking" your ex and his partner. You yourself have NO reason whatsoever to punish your child, as long as you arent purposefully undermining your ex's authority. And he is 8, for crying out loud.
NTA. Sounds like ex and his wife gave no time for the kid to adjust (especially what you said about the stepsister literally forcing a "bond"), and are now reaping what they sowed. At least your kid has one understanding parent (and hopefully one patient step parent)
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seems like a good approach. it's rare to see people treat blending families this seriously in this sub. NTA
Sounds like a good partner to keep, this time. You are both willing to keep your own wants at bay, in the interest of all kids involved. And your son will probably "warm up" to them and your partner way before warming up to his dad, let alone the rest of the forced family.
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Good to hear! Stay well, together!
Slow and steady wins the race!!
This. Letting him acclimate without trying to force it is way more likely to result in a better genuine relationship, faster. Saying “this is your new stepparent and you’ll pretend to like it or no fun for a month” is just gonna ensure the kid resents stepmommy forever.
as the kid in a blended family who’s parents took similar approaches to your ex and you (granted i was much older) you are doing everything right to support your kid. you are fostering so much trust and comfort in letting your kid develop a relationship with your partner and their kids in his own time. kudos to you and hopefully your ex can come around with some compassion.
I feel like your ex and his new wife aren't being nearly as conscious of the fact that their kids lives are the ones being upended and changed the most here. You're making sure all the children involved are healthy and happy and taking into account their needs, which is how parents should approach blending families.
Sounds like you're doing something similar to what I did. My husband and I got married early this year. We had been dating for nearly 2 years before getting married. We made sure that my son (7 at the time) and my husband were building a good relationship. In fact, I asked him if he was OK with us getting married. He was so ok with it that he agreed to be my escort down the aisle. We haven't forced any names or titles as you've said and have taken our time to build a family. You're going about this the right way, mama! Thank you for being so considerate and compassionate with your son! I wish you and your future blended family all the best!
NTA that's not punishment it's abuse and you were correct to stop it You can't punish someone into being happy or getting over the trauma of family dynamic change like this - which is what your ex and his new wife are trying to do the kid faked being sick to get out of going to the wedding for goodness sake! that's a huge red flag that he needs support. not punishment for not being able or cope as well as they think he should be. Honestly also imo kids should be allowed to not go to weddings etc ecspecilly if they decide they're going to be upset there - would they have preferred he gone and have had an emotional meltdown at the wedding? I'm Sure they'd have punished him in that case too it seems like he was put in a lose/lose situation by them and it sucks they're supposed to be looking out for him, not setting him up to fail waiting for him to fail an punishing him getting obsessed with the punishment like this it's WERID do they put any time into helping him be happy or just punishing him for not being happy ? It's really sad the kid didn't feel like he could just say no to going to the wedding and had to lie to try to escape the wrath of his new step mum and his so-called father INFO : are they anti therapy?
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Yeah he sounds like a peice of work who is selfishly doing harm to his kid. "growing a spine and toughening up" just sounds like another way to say " stiff upper lip pretend it's all okay and bottle it up or you're a baby " that's how you end up having a nervous breakdown or exploding or "suddenly" dying from a suicide nobody else saw coming because you just repressed your emotions and didn't talk about them or learn to cope with them. He is setting up his son to fail in life by not taking mental health and emotions seriously INFO: Does your son actually WANT to live with them? Could you go for more Custody ? Do they often punish him for his emotions and are the punishments often outsized like this one is?
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If the punishment is ever physically you need to report that and go for full custody. INFO : are his step sisters bullying him or harming him in some way or does he just not get on with them? I would reccomend trying a parenting through separation course if therapy isn't on the table for your ex but idk how receptive they'd be to that either they seem like the type who don't want more potential witnesses who could report possible abuse hence being anti therapy
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That's not okay, you can't force someone to call you sister that's weird OP
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You kniw she calls him a brat because her mom has, don't you?
Yep, she definitely heard her mom call him a brat and is now doing the same.
I'm guessing the stepmother is letting her daughter do this or encouraging her to. It's not okay it's abusive and you should try to get full custody or supervised visits for when he's there imo It seems like your ex is selfish and doesnt care about the wellbeing of his son now that his "new" kids are in the picture it's really shitty and sad it could also be that the son reminds him of you and he's taking that out on the kid (not your fault or the kids fault what he's doing is abusive ) Please please don't just assume it'll be okay and leave him there in that situation - talk to your lawyer and try to organise a mediation or something where you can discuss it with your ex WITH Witnesses or just apply for full custody maybe with monitored visits for him if you think he's willing to stop abusing your son... He sounds obsessed with his new wife and her kids to an unhealthy degree where he's abusing the son for not fitting In with them into some selfish imagined "perfect family" idea he's created so I sadly think he's not likely to change without therapy or a wakeup call of being told how much he is hurting his son with this behaviour and by not protecting him
If your child reports distress and the therapist agrees that being at that house is causing your son distress, you could use that to push for more custody with the therapists backing.
So he has his dad ignoring him, his dad's wife calling him names and the oldest kid trying to flex on him - probably mimicking her mom. Sounds like an absolute nightmare in terms of household dynamics and I can guarantee your son will grow up resenting each and every person in that household; or developing poor escape behaviors to get away from these people; or lashing out in his teens. They're all trying to control him in one way shape or form and take away any autonomy he has. That's a recipe for disaster!
That's awful. Maybe you or the therapist can give him a script of things to say to him when she does this so that he can establish his boundaries
That sounds like bullying to me.
> At the very least my ex believes therapy is pointless and is used to make excuses for bad behavior and not growing a spine and toughening up when life is coming at you. Sounds like somebody who'd really *benefit* from therapy.
NTA. The kid's 8 years old. I've pulled similar stunts to avoid going places. Not to mention the fact he has a valid reason for why.
well now we all know why you divorced him, must have been hell married to that
OP straight up confirms that in a comment.
NTA. Yes because grounding a child for a month for being upset about their parent remarrying is going to help lol.
Nta. Your son probably did have a stomach ache because he was anxious and his feelings were so jumbled it was true. Then, he got better because the anxiety was gone cuz he didn't have to go in the end. Your ex is punishing your child for having emotions and feelings? I can see why he's your ex.
NTA. I would talk to a lawyer about modifying custody and visitation.
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Save the email and other written communication about the 4 week punishment. I am concerned that your ex's behavior towards your son will escalate next time kiddo returns to his care.
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Grounding an 8 for four weeks absolutely seems excessive. sounds like dad is trying to mentally beat him into submission of the new family. It’s sad how many stories see on here where kids are punished for simply having their own feelings
What a heartbreaking situation. Just play it safe so he doesn’t have evidence you’re creating parental alienation.
Just a thought- would ex’s refusal to engage w/ your son’s therapist be medical neglect? If ex is anti therapy while your son has a diagnosed mental health need, I think that needs to be addressed.
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He does, but if it comes down to a custody battle (hopefully not) it would be worth pointing out to the judge that you're encouraging improving your son's mental health while your ex isn't, and worse, doesn't even believe in doing so.
As a kid who had me ocd symptoms from a young age with no therapy to help, the idea of leaving this unaddressed with your ex pains me. Mental healthcare is real healthcare and shouldn’t go neglected. Sorry you’re dealing with this OP. I realize there aren’t any easy answers for you.
I'm not even allowed to send my kid to see a therapist unless my ex agrees to it. She's very much against it. During the custody fight with lawyers, I was repeatedly asking for my kid to see a therapist and being denied. Her sister had recently gotten full custody because her nephew (sister's kid) said he wanted to kill himself in school and it was during father's time. She tried to set it up to make it look like my kid is abused and wants to kill herself, hoping that this school would also send a kid to involuntary psych hold and win custody. The school saw through it, and very strongly recommended seeing a therapist instead. There was a carefully worded recommendation which seemed like a threat of getting child services involved if it didn't happen. That's how I got my kid to see a therapist for a while, and a lot of the crazy stuff she did to my kid stopped. It's been a long while since she's seen that therapist and some of the crazy things being done there are happening again.
Keep all communication in email. Much easier to print off and show the lawyers.
Definitely monitor the situation closely. Also, keep talking to the therapist. You may be able to get the therapists support to help you modify the custody agreement.
Yeah, get the poor kid out of there.
NTA. "The beatings will continue until moral improves". If your ex wants your son to embrace his new family, he is going about it the wrong way. I doubt this was the first time your son showed disapproval of the new relationship and all it entailed. I hope you are doing all you can to protect your son.
NTA. I skipped my mom's wedding. Didn't lie or play sick, just told her I'd rather not go. She said she was sad but understood, and that was that. We brought it up at mother daughter counseling, but only once, it wasn't a high drama moment for us. I'm sorry that your ex doesn't respect his son enough that your son had to lie to get out of going.
NTA. I'm surprised at your ex's response to the truth. My reaction would have been to ask why he didn't want to go. I think that grounding him for a month is too much, and stops any hope of your son and your ex having a warm relationship. Regarding the amount of information you receive from your son, I also made the decision that I'd rather know what was going on and not punish my daughter. Though I'm sure many people will disagree with me, IMHO it's the the right road to take. Her ability to tell me anything has resulted in a lot of productive conversations (drugs, sex, etc) and I wouldn't change anything.
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Totally agree!
NTA your ex doesn’t care for his son’s feelings
100% NTA. You’re approaching it by helping understand why he did what he did (wasn’t trivial like to stay home and play video games obviously). Which is what dad/new family should be asking themselves. Instead they deflect and seek steep punishment to force him to get along and move forward. This approach will only deepen the divide and any resentment he may have.
NTA Please consider talking to a lawyer about revising custody. This is just the beginning of them bullying your son for not accepting their marriage. He's only 8. He needs to feel safe and listened to, not ignored, and shouted down.
NTA and I commend you for how well you're handling this. Thank you for recognizing how difficult this is for a child. The fact that you delayed your own relationship, talked with your son about his issues, and got him therapy are all good things. I think adults forget that children don't process things like adults. Having your parents divorce and remarry is world shattering for a child. Your ex is being selfish expecting your son to celebrate something so upsetting. And punishing him for it is inappropriate.
NTA - You ex and his wife will get a lot further with your son using a carrot instead of a stick. Not sure why so many people in these situations don’t see that. You can’t punish a child into loving you.
NTA. Way for ex's new wife to prove to your son that he was right not to be happy about her being a permanent fixture in his life.
NTA. If your son opposed his dad's remarriage enough to fake being sick, he's clearly having a problem with it. His dad will probably find that punishing him will have the opposite effect of bringing the new family together. Now son has even more reason to dislike them. I'm so glad he's seeing a therapist. Keep it up.
I'm not sure he was faking. Maybe he did feel sick about it and got better when he was relieved he didn't have to go. My son did the same thing for my grandpa's funeral. He was super anxious and nauseous and my husband sat in the car with him.
NTA
You should caring for your kid. I didn't go to my dad's wedding to his second wife at eight years old. He never forgave me but I wasn't cool with his marriage. (I don't regret it either.) First of all, your ex can't control your household. Second of all, you don't even have to speak to his wife. Her opinion is largely irrelevant. Your kid is going to have a tough road ahead. NTA.
NTA. I have rarely heard that these kinds of punishments actually work well in the long term ...
Honestly, I think you both need to work on your co-parenting skills together, because that's not healthy for anyone in the situation. Not you, not them, and certainly not Callum. Therapy for the boy was a legendary move on your part, there are too many people out there who don't believe children need therapy and it's an incredibly frustrating thing to see (As if children don't have thoughts and feelings, they need help processing like wtf?) Wishing you all the best in an incredibly frustrating situation. Callum is lucky to have you.
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NTA - you’re not bound by your ex’s punishments for your son and your ex is not bound by any punishments you give your son. You’ve also not sought to weaponise it against your ex or told your son he doesn’t have to abide by it when he’s with your ex. So your ex and his new partner are just being divas.
NTA, if it was a reasonable punishment you'd be the asshole, but a month for faking being sick especially given the reason is wild.
NTA a month grounding will surely make this kid more resentful of the marriage. It is clear why you divorced this man.
NTA sons gonna grow up to dislike his dad cause hes forcing him to have a relationship with stepmum and stepsisters
NTA Easy to see why the boy didn't want to go, and why his father's now your ex. Pushy, entitled, and clearly didn't do enough to make his own kid feel welcomed and include you enough to help him adjust to such a big change. You're a good parent, OP. I wouldn't be surprised if your kid isn't looking forward to spending time in a house with a mean stepmother and her daughters along with a mean father.
Nta child clearly has unresolved feelings and shouldn't be forced to attend an event that was upsetting him.
NTA. You're a good mom, thank god he has you. Keep up the good work, sorry your ex is such a doofus.
NTA, a month is extreme for an 8 year old. And he's clearly working through some things emotionally with the change in family dynamics.
Honestly, tell them you'll honor their punishment so he gets credit for "time served" at your house, then just don't do it. This is not something to punish him for. Your Ex isn't taking his feelings into account at all. When your son is 18 and doesn't talk to his dad/SM, they'll still have no idea why. NTA.
NTA - the fact that an 8 year old does not want to do something and feels the need to lie to stay home to get out of said event, is **not** a reason for punishment. It's a reason for (better) communication and understanding. It's his father's job to understand his son and show compassion for his feelings. It's sad to see that most parents just order their children around without any regard for their feelings, just because they're kids.
Did your ex never once consider that maybe if his kid faked being sick to get out of being at their wedding maybe something was up and the kid wasn’t fully on board with his dad getting remarried?? This is like textbook “hey something is up and I want you to notice but this is the only way I feel I can communicate it to you” and I don’t even have kids. NTA.
NTA. At all. He was crying to be heard by his father and was dismissed. I'd document, document, document and push for more custody. This sounds like a possibly toxic household. Not only to mention WTF is step mom doing butting into an A to B conversation. She is not part of the parenting/decision making team for your son. Home sauce needs to stay in her lane.
NTA. Damn your ex is failing as a father though.
NTA. I get Dad being mad about skipping the wedding but there's a much larger issue that he's completely ignoring, which is probably why things played out the way they did. The therapist appt was the perfect response. Dad will realize whether he likes it or not, that he can't just will this stuff away. His son's feelings are real, and this is going to be an ongoing issue. I would see if you can schedule regular recurring appts with therapist at least for a while and maybe not now, but I would keep in the back of your mind, maybe a need for visitation change with Dad.
There’s not much you can do about it but your ex and his new wife are terrible parents. It’s too bad you son has to spend any time there
NTA I see why you divorced daddy-o
Info Wait, do I understand it correctly that your Ex isn't taking your son to his therapy appointments when he is over at his house?
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In that case you're obviously NTA. I was already leaning towards it but I wanted to make sure that that's what you meant there.
Nta. I think being grounded for that long isn't fair. Punishment for lying is reasonable, also explaining to him that his feelings are valid but that there were better ways to express his feelings. He's struggling to adapt to the changes, and it's understandable. I would suggest a conversation with his therapist about moving forward.
That line about, "not allowing your son to dictate your life" is a real tell that the step-mother either hates that her new husband has a pre-existing son, or she's just not a very good mother as parents routinely tailor their lives around their still minor aged kids. An inability or unwillingness to is generally a sign of a bad parent. NTA
**NTA** your EX and his mistress have a right to be upset and dish out discipline. 4 Weeks "without any kind of fun" is not discipline. It's **pure vindictive retribution.** Sounds like step mommy dearest was offended and wants to make sure your son understands who's in charge now. Ask your ex if he's so fucking stupid he's willing to get his son to despise him for such a miniscule and petty offense. The imbecile might wanna reconsider that he married Cinderella's step mom and she might kill him for the insurance money. that's besides the point though.
NTA Ask ex what about the disrespect he and now wife have shown to son? They disregarded his feelings. No, son didn't want to go celebrate something he didn't think of as a celebration. Is there some kind of recording device that son could have on his person at all times so you can see how he is treated by stepmom and stepsisters.
NTA. It sounds like your son is having a very hard time adjusting to the marriage and instead of trying to help him your ex is punishing him. That's probably going to backfire tbh.
NTA. I'm glad your son has at least one parent that considers his feelings, and actually listens to him. You're a great Mum xx
your ex is doing a good job of ensuring your son never accepts his step mother or step sisters, and that he will go NC with his dad in the coming years. sorry that your ex got his feelings hurt, but seeing as he isn't even attempting to understand his son's feelings, I think he can go cry about it. NTA
NTA punishing a kid for being unhappy is stupid pointless and counterproductive. Your ex is an idiot.
He is still a kid. Punishing him for being emotional on something due to the changes on his life is a valid thing. Thank you OP for listening to him and bringing him to a therapist. Your son needed that. And please have custody of him if you can 🥺 I believe there is a reason why he doesn't like his stepmom and stepsis.