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NTA
It's one thing to be picky, it's another thing to be so rude about it. Calling your food "crap" is where he automatically became the AH. I thought he was just being anxious before, but saying something like that crossed the line. Honestly? It's great to be accommodating but also don't change you plans. I think you're right, it's probably better that she gets woken up to his behaviour sooner rather than latter. The longer you get trapped with someone the harder it is to leave. That being said, be careful not to accidentally drive a wedge between yourself and your daughter. Be diplomatic and reasonable, support your daughter emotionally through this.
Toxic partners have the most power when they convince people that it's just them against the world together and that no one else will support them.
The rudeness is the issue, not his dietary quirks.
Be reasonable and calm in your responses to your daughter and to him, but don't set an example of caving in for fear of an outbreak or because he was rude before. Let his rudeness stand out in contrast to your reasonable positions and conditions.
Have a great birthday at your Chinese restaurant of choice. Yes, it's making your daughter choose, but that will be her whole life if she stays with him. At 32, he should know better how to treat people.
He was emotionally violent in front of his new gf’s family. Imagine how he treats her when no one is looking?!
The OP is totally missing how serious this situation is.
At his age, if he hasn't learned to be more diplomatic than that he isn't going to change. You simply do not address someone else's food like that, especially in their home. If you do not like it, simply say you are earlier, or you aren't hungry. That wasn't just a rude behaviour it was childish, he was throwing a fit because he didn't want to stay and he didn't like the food that was served.
Daughter will have to realize that his behaviors are never on her, he is the only one responsible for how he behaves. If he acts like a kid throwing a tantrum it's him that is out of control of himself, not because someone else forced him to.
One of the first times I meet my wife's grandmother was a holiday (probably Christmas or Easter) they were serving ham, I do not eat ham or most any pig based products (it's a texture thing) I didn't throw a fit, simply asked my wife to get me a small piece and lots of veggies & other stuff. I ate a small piece of ham because I didn't want to insult her grandmother's hard work, and filled up on the other foods. Because I was not a child and can to an extent control my revulsion to pork products. Growing up in a strict household where my mother emphasized manners you learn to deal with things you don't like to some extent. Now when we are invited over they let us know the menu before hand, and I can plan accordingly. I would never ask them not to have their favorites to suit my picky palate. I simply make my own Turkey or Chicken and bring it with me. Grandmother and Step Mother don't mind and will sometimes have some of what I bring also. But 20 years down the line changes things. It's always best to try to make a good impression and to be reassuring that you don't expect special treatment.
NTA - Never insult someone's cooking in their own home. That is instant A-hole territory. There are plenty of ways to say you are unwilling to partake without insulting the cook or their food.
Even if he had come to the table and sat with them but just explained, it would have been fine. "I apologize in advance. All of this looks wonderful, but I have some food aversions that are, unfortunately, unavoidable and I won't be able to eat with you. But I would still love to join you while you all enjoy this dinner."
It might be awkward for a bit, but it's a much more graceful way of dealing with the situation without alienating your SO's entire family.
OP's daughter is in for a difficult relationship. It doesn't sound healthy.
100% this.
OP - I have a couple of food aversions - if I try to eat them, I sick them up and can't control it - I have some food allergies, and I'm a very picky eater.
The boyfriend is trash.
Despite my aversions, and my picky eating, I can usually be polite. I can eat around the aversions and allergies, or I can explain to my host/ess without being rude. That's what grownups do.
It's your birthday. Eat what makes you happy. Tell your daughter it means a lot to you that she attends, and be understanding if The Creep convinces her not to.
I'm sorry that happened.
I just watched a movie with Anna Kendrick called Alice, Darling so apologies if it's over-influencing my comment here, but no...don't be understanding. I'm thinking about the mental gymnastics your daughter will have to do to be with this AH. She'll have to start carrying the keys to make sure she has a ride home. She'll have to make excuses for him when he insults her family, friends, boss. She will lose people in her life. She'll accept it when he gaslights her into thinking it's her fault. It sounds like emotional abuse is right around the corner, and that shit sneaks up slowly, in small bites, and insidiously.
Or maybe this is a one-off but that's a pretty ballsy move with his first interaction with his potential future MIL...
I don't know my red flags would be furiously and aggressively waving and I'd gtfo.
Actually, I said "be understanding" specifically because of the red flags.
What OP might want to avoid is alienating her daughter, because abusers start off by isolating their victims. If the daughter thinks she can't turn to her mother, she'll be more vulnerable to this abuser.
NTA. It's your birthday.
I'm a picky eater, I'll admit. But I would never sit at someone's table and call the food they've made me "crap." What a rude ass.
Agree. Even if I didn't think I could eat anything that was served, I'd apologize for my weird eating habits, stick around for conversation, and make a sandwich at home later. With a restaurant, I'll look through the menu online ahead of time so I don't hold up everyone else when ordering. It's not hard to be picky and polite at the same time.
I tell my wife all the time "pick any place, I can find something I will eat at any restaurant. Most places offer some for of fried chicken strip in some sauce or a salad either of which I can make work. I'll deal with it if it brings her happiness to have something she wants" I know she would do the same for me.
I'm also a picky eater and I can only remember one restaurant I couldn't eat anything at. They didn't even have a salad option. It was chosen for my friend's bac party. I made up an excuse to meet them later, instead of behaving like a toddler.
I cant eat soy so most Asian food is out and yet I still wouldn't act like this. I would eat plain rice and grab a snack on the way home. This guy us an ass. NTA. What happened to basic manners?
Me too. There are a lot of foods I don't eat for various reasons (a lot are texture related) but I will go out of my way to NOT make it someone else's problem cause they're my food issues, so it should never impact other people. The BF is a grown adult. There's no reason he couldn't have said something like "It looks/smells great but I can't eat it because (reasons), but thank you for the offer" and then hit up a drive through on the way home.
Yeah, my parents taught me pretty young to keep my mouth shut and eat at least some of what was put in front of me when I’m a guest unless it’s something I happen to be allergic to. This is just rudeness.
NTA.
He's being abusive, insulting, and controlling.
Him leaving her stranded there without saying a word is a huge red flag for abuse. He will undoubtedly be trying to get her to distance herself from you, other family, and friends.
Are you Asian? And he's trying to bully your Asian daughter into never eating Asian food again? That's not just abusive, that's racist fetish behavior.
My personal favorite usage: cook your coconut rice, and when it's about 2/3 the way done cooking, add in a diced mango and a diced red bell pepper. Allow the rice to finish cooking. While your rice is cooking, chop a head of cauliflower into bite-sized pieces, toss it in olive oil, coat it generously in Caribbean jerk seasoning, and roast it for 20 minutes at 425. Top the rice with the cauliflower and serve with diced scallions. YUM! You could also sub in chicken if you're not a vegetarian like me :)
The jerk shouldn’t be allowed back into your home and life until he apologizes to you and your family
Your daughter is setting herself up for disaster. Please don’t be a doormat...go to where you want. It’s your birthday.
Happy birthday in advance 🎂🎊🎈🎉🎁
Guaranteed he stormed off and left her there because she agreed to stay for dinner. The humiliation and embarrassment was her punishment for disobeying
NTA
It’s your birthday. You get to pick the restaurant! It should be where you want to go.
You’re in a tender spot tho. Making your daughter feel like she has to choose is an easy path to alienation and isolation. That said, I wouldn’t do shit to accommodate an ass hole like him.
Just be careful. If he does pressure her into not going, do your best not to guilt her. He certainly sounds like he's potentially abusive and if so, he'll try to isolate her.
Update us when she kicks him to the curb!
(To that end, maybe some time after your birthday dinner (maybe in a letter?) gently point out that she's aware his behavior was inappropriate and how he treated her--leaving, berating her--makes you uncomfortable because she deserves to be treated with respect even when he's upset.)
I was in an abusive relationship for 5 years. They're very complex and it can take a long time to "wake up". The best, and only thing you can do as a parent is never say a bad word against him, or let your daughter know you don't like him. That way, when she leaves him, she'll feel like she can come to you for support.
Betting on a wake up call is dangerous. He's already convinced her she was in the wrong once, next it will be you're in the wrong and she's wrong for siding with you. He's really got his hooks in for a new relationship.
I would suggest meeting up with Jenifer separately and mentioning that you've noticed some concerning behaviour from her new boyfriend, and you want to make sure she's OK, and that she knows that what happened at the house at dinner was not her fault. Remind her that she is loved and cared for and that sometimes, when we like someone, we don't see the red flags.
I would then tell her that you find his behaviour alarming, but she's obviously an adult, and she can date whoever she wants. Promise not to mention it again, and remind her you just love her and want her to be happy with a loving partner who respects her.
Obviously, OP can't stop her from seeing this guy. And going too hard is just going to push her towards him, but just sitting by with a 'ehhh I'm sure this will all work itself out' mindset is dangerous. No parent wants to believe *their* child is capable of being manipulated by an abuser until they don't know which way is up, but it can happen to anyone, and it happens QUICK.
You definitely don’t need to change your plans for someone who was so rude to you in your home.
However, please be gentle and logical with your daughter whenever you have to discuss this particular guy. She needs to know you will love and support her always- his behavior is concerning and your daughter needs you to be her safe haven if & when things reach a point of no-return with him. NTA
NTA Go where you want to go. That man should never be invited to share a meal with you ever again. His behaviour is inexcusable. He sounds like he is abusive to you daughter as well. Your daughter needs to tread carefully.
NTA - I hope for your daughter's sake, and yours indirectly, he's just a short fling... that dude sounds like one obnoxious rude mofo, already gas-lighting your daughter.
Nta - but your daughter is potentially in a relationship with a controlling abuser. He has issues with food but he also has some anger issues and manipulates her.
what kind of feral being responds in such a manner to the person that cooked them a meal in their own home? no one does that. sirens would be blasting off in my head
My bet? It was in response to Jenifer agreeing to stay for dinner after he said earlier he didn't want to. Abusers don't deal well with disobedience. Making a scene, storming off, embarrassing her - all punishments for the disobedience
I would not change it. This guy insulted you in your home. After you prepared a meal for him. "I'm not eating this crap". He wouldn't be allowed back in my house till he apologized sincerely.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1; I booked a restaurant that I know my daughters BF will not eat at.
2; I can easily change the booking to one that he can attend but dont want to.
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NTA. I can't imagine someone being this rude and still wanting to be friends with them, let alone letting them be my BF. I hope your daughter breaks up with him. You are NTA, don't change the restaurant.
NTA. I have trouble understanding so many things. I have been married now for 7 years, from day 1 there were times when I would go hang out with someone without my husband and there were times where he would be with people without me. That included family get togethers. I do NOT understand this new mentality of bf and gf have to be everywhere together at all times. Am I missing something? It's your bday, even without food being an issue, it's something that's gonna probably be a bit boring and maybe even uncomfortable for him with so much family being around. I sincerely hope he sees it that way too and doesn't start a drama over her going to her mothers bday. If he does, she needs to get away ASAP, red flag for a controlling freak.!
Boyfriend is very much making it, us against them (OP)
If OP changes the venue, he wins, he gets to assert his dominance over Jenifer and the family and the sets a precedence that his feelings Trump everything.
If OP doesn't change the venue, then it's 'well jenifer, OP doesn't respect me, doesn't respect US. are you going to let me be disrespected like that?'
He's showing classic early signs of abuse
Yep, I can hear the rest of the conversation now;
🚩BF: 'well jenifer, OP doesn't respect me, doesn't respect US. are you going to let me be disrespected like that?'
J: ‘well, you kind of disrespected my parent by calling their food crap…’
🚩BF: ‘that’s not what I said, and that not relevant now anyway, and it’s their fault anyway for cooking such disgusting food in the first place and now picking a restaurant with even more crap food!’
J: ‘well, I’m going to my parent’s birthday dinner anyway…’
🚩BF: ‘What, you going to leave me alone here to *starve* while you’re out stuffing your face with disgusting food! How rude! And how rude of your parent to expect you to come without me, so disrespectful, so sad…’ etc.
Have the birthday at the restaurant you planned, tell your daughter she’s not shackled to this guy and that is healthy for couples to do separate things now and then. When it’s his birthday he can pick the restaurant. NTA
And I bet if she does go, he's
A. blowing up her phone the whole time, making sure she doesn't enjoy the dinner.
B. He goes radio silent and punishes her by ignoring her for a day or two, racking up the 'omg I did something wrong feelings' in her until she's apologising.
Either way, she'll eventually learn, going against his wishes end with her being miserable and anxious and embarrassed. And she'll start just doing what he wants to save herself those feelings.
OP says the relationship is super new, and hopefully this will be a wake up call for her, but I can't help but think the first incident should have been a wake up call, and the fact that he managed to twist her around until she's apologising is extremely worrying and shows how good he is at manipulation and how deep his claws already are.
OP doesn't seem appropriately worried about this imo.
NTA. I've been a picky eater my whole life. Like, for years nearly all I ate was ham steak and pasta. And I would be embarrassed for reacting like that. I especially wouldn't gaslight my partner into thinking it's their fault. This boy has given you no reason whatsoever to be accommodating for him on your own birthday.
I‘m a picky eater who’s been vegan for a decade. My preferred meals in my pre-vegan days were pretty simple, meat-and-three veg dishes. I don’t like spicy food. I don’t like avocado. I don’t like eggplant or cooked tomato or mushrooms or vinaigrettes. In short, I make my own life extremely difficult when eating out 😂. But you know what I’ve never, ever done? Been rude when someone has offered me food I don’t like or can’t eat. I’ve never demanded people choose a restaurant that I like for their birthday celebrations. I’ve politely declined some invitations, and I’ve eaten a ton of French fries and steamed vegetables, and I’ve pretended not to be hungry and just had a Coke. Because that’s what you *do* when you give a damn about being polite.
NTA. And you better NOT change the restaurant! I don’t know why you would even consider doing that.
First, he needs to apologize for calling your food “crap”. I’m a pretty easygoing person, but there’s no way I would make any effort toward him in any way ever unless there was a sincere apology.
It’s your birthday. Plan for the restaurant you want. Changing restaurants to please this guy makes no sense, and he may be impossible to please no matter where you go or what you do. If he pressures your daughter not to go, maybe that will help open her eyes about this guy.
Happy Birthday! 🎂
People with sensory issues might not for example. Though they'd still be expected to convey that politely, or at the very least not being a complete bellend as they do.
I know someone that doesn't eat rice, because as a kid, his sister swapped out some of his rice for maggots.
There's plenty of reasons not to like a certain ingredient. Most people have the common sense to not be rude about it.
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My(58F) Daughter Jenifer (27f) has a new BF David (32m) Last week they came to dinner, it wasn't planned in advance, they came for something else and just stayed for dinner. I cooked an Asian dish. Unknown to me at the time, David has some major food hangups, no allergies or special diet, just things he doesn't eat. He hadn't wanted to stay, apparently, he said so earlier in the day, but Jen forgot. He didn't say anything when Jen asked me could they stay.
When I served the food, he looked at it like it was poison, pushed it away and said "Im not eating this crap" and left. He totally left, drove home without her, or without telling her he was leaving. My daughter was stunned and upset. They had a huge fight over his rude behavior and him leaving her there.
A week later they made up, He seems to have convinced her it was her fault for staying for dinner, she knew about his food issues. She felt bad for not considering his hang ups but told him his behavior was not ok, he should have spoken to her about it before dinner.
So now this is where I come in and might be the AH.
My birthday is coming up and my son is flying in from out of state, so I really want the whole family there.
I had already chosen the restaurant I want to go to for dinner on my birthday. It's a Chinse restaurant that my family all enjoy. I am assuming that David will not eat there since he had such a problem with my Asian food. He said rice is a big turn off for him. I could change, there is time, but I really don't want to. They have only been dating a couple of months. And he was very rude to me in my home. He hasn't apologized to me.
I told Jen about my plans, she said he probably won't come. I asked if she would still come or if she is going to choose to stay with him. She said she would come but...I suspect he will pressure her to not come.
Part of me wants to push it to show my daughter what she has in store for her future if she stays in this relationship, but the other part wants to not upset anyone.
AITA if I don't change the restaurant?
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NTA. First of all, this is your birthday, not his. You don't need to accommodate his BS.
Secondly, that dude is three red flags in a trench coat. I hope that your daughter gets away from him because WOW.
NTA
Are you mom or dad? If you are mom, he will never respect or respond to you because you are a woman. If you are dad, he might respond to you if he is scared of you.
This isn't going to be an epic romance for the ages for your daughter. Hopefully, it is a quick lesson in how to spot and lose an asshole in a couple of months for her.
NTA
Don't change the restaurant - it's your birthday, you get to eat wherever you want. Rude assholes don't have to be catered to. I hope your daughter gets away from this guy, because if he's this much of a prick early on in the relationship (when even abusers are usually on their best behavior) it's only going to get worse.
You’re not wrong for that for sure.
But if he’s that much of an asshole, assuming he is a controlling and abusive one, you might have to give your daughter a soft landing pad.
Tell her in advance you’ll always be there for her but you will still want her to come and be part of your family.
If she has been in healthy ish relationships, abusive relationships are something she doesn’t watch out for.
Take care
NTA. There have been times I haven’t loved a particular restaurant someone has picked to celebrate at. But since I’m not a giant jerk, I go and find SOMETHING to eat even if it’s a side or two. Boyfriend does not know how to act.
NTA, especially because he hasn't apologized to you for his reaction.
If he had apologized and said "I'm sorry for my reaction the other night, I was caught off guard and can't be around rice for X reason" then yes it would be nice of you (but still not required) to be the bigger person and give him a more fair second chance.
But without even a half-assed apology I wouldn't even give him a second thought.
Who wants to bet he was less upset about the food and more upset that Jenifer went against his earlier statement about staying for dinner and storming off and leaving her there, embarrassed, was her punishment.
This guy REEKS of future abuse
NTA
>Im not eating this crap
Is not a food issue.
Strart as you mean to go on, if you change the restaurant this time the expectation will be that you always will and then the first time you don't want to will be a huge fight.
NTA
I'm autistic and have a lot of food issues, so I kind of get that being confronted with unfamiliar food can be a lot for some people.
But the attitude of causing someone's food "crap" is unacceptable, just politely say you're not hungry.
If he really kind find anything to eat on a Chinese menu that someone else has selected for their birthday, he doesn't need to come. Ita not like all Chinese food has rice, there are a lot of noodle or meat & veg dishes.
But most Chinese I know (uk) there is usually a picky fucks menu (also called a "European menu") that will have chicken nuggets and chips if he really can't handle it.
NTA: I am what is considered a picky eater and I would never ever ever consider being rude to someone in their home like that. You try a bit and apologize profusely and say you don’t like the food but thank them for the invite and the food anyway then make polite conversation after the fact
My fiance is a picky eater (she will always try something once though but won't eat anything with cream). So when my mother makes weird exotic foods (we live in Ireland) and my fiance is there, she just picks the parts she can eat.
Honestly my mother does try but also it's my fiance who has let my mother know exactly the things she won't eat so it's a conversation they had to have.
That said you're fully entitled to go where ever ye wanna go, he sounds like a pain.
NTA
I dont have amounts, I cooked for 10.
Chicken cut up, thighs are best
Red chilies
Ginger, a lot
Green onions
Brown sugar.
hot water
Cook brown sugar till it melts, toss chicken and other ingredients in, add hot water, cook until it reduces to a sticky sauce.
Cook coconut rice to go with or steamed rice.
NTA. The fact that he doesn't care at all about making a good impression on his girlfriend's parents or generally trying to be polite means he's not worth the effort it would take to accommodate him.
Hopefully they're not long lasting.
NTA
Jen is heading for some serious issues with David. His controlling is apparent this early, it's not going to get better as time goes on!
However, at this point this is something she needs to figure out for herself. It's still early in the relationship, so if she is consistently missing out on family stuff because of him, she may come to that realisation herself fairly quickly.
So, you either upset David (who will take it out on Jen), or you disrupt the rest of your family on YOUR birthday.
Nope. One relatively new person in the fold doesn't get to dictate what the rest of the family does.
I am a picky eater. But if there is something I don’t like I will just not eat it or pick out the things I don’t like. I will not be rude to the people cos it’s my problem not there’s. I say NTA but hopefully your daughter removes the rose coloured glasses concerning her bf
NTA. So 32 year old wholeass man threw a temper tantrum over rice?? He could have communicated that the food looks good but he is simply not that hungry like a normal considerate human being. Or could have literally said he doesn’t feeling like eating without being a totally AH about it. He had so many options and he choose to:
1- Disrespecting you, your hospitality and your food in your OWN home. Like you could have been his FMIL and he choose to just straight up to be rude his SO’s mother??
2- After disrespecting you he disrespected Jen (aka his gf that he supposed to love, care and respect???) without saying anything and just leaving. LEAVING HER BEHIND!
3- Gaslight Jen and shift the blame saying its her fault to begin with because he was probably so incapable of talking like an adult about his concerns about HIS ISSUES with food.
And on top of it he also embarrassed your daughter in-front of you which is straight up not acceptable to me. I would be dying in front of my bf’s family and even then I would ask them kindly if I can die in that corner and if they’re ok with it.
It’s your birthday so his wants are irrelevant. He can eat at home and just be there to celebrate and drink something like a normal picky eater would do. And a side note you don’t have to be turned on by food to be able to eat them. He’s 32 he can figure his problems on his own without your daughter babying him.
I would die on this hill OP tbh. Its your birthday. You can say to your daughter simply “If the man that supposedly loves and respects can’t show the same respect to your family for one day and guilt-trips you not to join then what else he wont respect and show compromise in future?” I can imagine if they have a baby the guy saying he can’t change diapers because it turns him off. NTA. But he is. Let your daughter see how massive of an AH he is.
Edit:formatting and typos
NTA.
I have issues with food (always to do with texture) and I don't really eat meat.
When I'm in a similar situation I put on my big girl panties and cope. It's only one meal.
You would be the AH if the problem was food allergies or intolerances. But it's not.
Enjoy your birthday!
OP, try & make sure your daughter sees this. My thought was ‘they made up’ - why? BF is clearly an asshole, not surprised he’s still single at 32. NTA.
You are definitely NTA, he is. He was super rude and is most likely controlling to your daughter. Keep the restaurant the same, being a picky eater is one thing but being rude and calling food you made crap is completely another thing. He disrespected you and your daughter in your home. Hopefully your daughter sees him for who he is and dumps his ass!
My teen daughter is SUPER picky about food but she has never been rude if she doesn’t like something. We go out to eat as a family often, and if there is not something she will like, she is not rude or upset. If she knows ahead of time she will eat something before and if not when she gets home. Also if she is at a friends and they ask her to dinner, she sometimes stays and tries it (and even sometimes ends up liking it) or she says she’s not very hungry, or occasionally she will politely decline the dinner invite and come home. The rudeness is the dealbreaker in your daughters boyfriend.
NTA
It sounds like your daughter might be in an abusive relationship. Who acts like that when meeting their significant other's parerents?? Or at all when eating at someone's home?
A reasonable thing for him to do is to ask his girlfriend, "What's for dinner?" before accepting the invite. For the birthday, he could eat beforehand and then come for tea and dessert just to celebrate, but this man-child is not interested in being reasonable it seems.
It's your birthday, eat where you want, and keep a very close eye on this relationship of your daughter's.
NTA.
I didn't go through the comments so don't know if anyone mentioned this or not. But he is showing several red flags and abusive behaviour. Don't change the place, but make sure to stress to your daughter that she is always welcome. And not only for the bday party celebration but in general. Your daughter might be blinded by love now, but if his behaviour escalates, and it all comes crashing down, she will need someone there for her. And also, make sure to check in if her behaviour also suddenly starts changing and she shows signs of getting in too deep in an emotionally abusive relationship.
NTA
But you need to do somw research in gaslighting and emotional manipulation and abuse because this giynis a dudd and your daughter needs tp get rid of him now before hos behavior worsens.
WARNING WARNING WARNING
This is not about restaurants or even an apology. Your daughter is in an abusive relationship. Full stop.
Please seek advice and counseling from a domestic abuse specialist. I know there are communication techniques and best practices for helping a loved one leave an abusive partner. Your daughter needs expert support, get yourself informed.
YTA for not seeing how serious this is and playing games instead.
NTA. Please, please do not change your plans for this incredibly rude man. Your daughters choices are her own, but you don’t have to like or endorse them.
NTA. He sounds rude, immature, and controlling. Have all the food sensitivities, preferences, or hang ups you want - it’s **never** okay to push away a dish, call it crap, and flounce off in a huff. Don’t change the restaurant for him. It’s your birthday, and your choice. Besides, he sounds like the type who’ll continue pulling this sort of crap over and over if he gets away with it once.
NTA, until he grows up and apologizes to you, he needs to be banned from your home. You need to meet with your daughter about how he acted. Look for signs of abuse. Things like long sleeves, turtleneck or scarf. Guys that act like this rarely just verbally abuse.
NTA and he sounds like a walking red flag 🚩. Who doesn’t like rice? It’s rice? Rice isn’t crap. That’s such rude, bizarre behavior. He sounds high maintenance and dramatic. Bad combo.
NTA. Calling food crap is judgy AF, and implies it’s below him to consume. Annnnd, he’s slowly trying to bend the daughter to HIS food issue views… that no one else seems to have.
NTA... BF is an AH. Eat where you want. However try not to poke the bear, you want your daughter to figure it out on her own instead of defending him from you.
Nta. If the bf has a dietary restriction that prevents him from eating the food that’s one thing but he’s just picky and the words he said were totally rude and disrespectful regardless. I dont think you should change the restaurant just because the bf doesn’t like Chinese food (there’s tons of options with Chinese food that you could totally work around if you are picky).
NTA he's not simply rude, he's abusive (leaving your house without telling your daughter is a huge red flag). Have you birthday at the restaurant you like and find a way to help your daughter running away from this man.
NTA
I’m highly anaphylactic to shellfish and real fish (plus lots of other foods) but still did every family dinner for ex’s family at Red Lobster. I just stuffed my face before hand and picked at salads and biscuits during the hours long event.
My children unfortunately have many anaphylactic issues as well. They still have been taught to politely say “no thank you” and CHANGE THE SUBJECT to something funny or pleasant.
If we try hard enough we can usually come up with something they can try, but we also prepare ahead.
Of course, that’s actual health reasons but if children can understand how to be polite then so can he. There could be an ongoing issue in the relationship that you don’t know about, but he still could have had basic manners.
As far as your birthday … it’s your day so go where you want to go.
NTA - but he sure is and hopefully your daughter realizes that soon
NTA. I couldn’t imagine acting this way. Once when I was young and dating this person I stayed for dinner and was served what to me was the grossest dish imaginable - steamed carrots in butter. But I ate all I was served and to be polite asked for more. I drank so much water to choke down that food they must have thought me dehydrated. But I wasn’t gonna slander any cooking in that situation.
Sorry your daughter is dating a loser.
NTA. For your birthday meal you pick the venue. Why would you even consider changing it to suit someone who insulted you in your own home? I wouldn't entertain him until he apologised and learnt some basic manners.
Ntah.. don't change your plans to suit a ride disrespectful hopefully short term boyfriend. Personally I would ensure all future meals if he is involved are Asian food just to keep him well away.
NTA.
If your daughter stays with that guy, and worse, if he convinces her to not show up for your birthday, then she is a lost cause.
Not liking something is one thing, not liking it and being rude is another.
He doesn't get to dictate what you serve at home and especially what you want to eat on your birthday.
You should pretty much just cut him out of your life. You don't have to force your daughter to choose you or him but she better learn to manage how to have both of you in her life and how to prioritize her time for occasions for each of you.
No but everyone who caters to this obnoxious individual is just as bad as he is.
I wouldn't give him the time of day until he apologises for his appalling behaviour.
NTA.
Firstly, he was rude and didn't apologise.
Secondly, it is your birthday, not his.
Thirdly, it is good to refuse to establish that this temper-tantrum toddler in an adult body does not get to set the agenda regarding food.
If it destroys the relationship, good because your daughter is unlikely to get a worse boyfriend next time around.
If they stay together, establishing now that his tantrums won't work is an important step towards surviving his toxic presence.
NTA, I'm also a super picky eater. If I go to an event that doesn't have food I like, or a restaurant I won't like. I'll get a drink, eat bread or an appetizer if available, and politely let people enjoy their meal or join in the conversation. My hang ups are mine to handle, not the rest of the table's. Your daughter's new BF needs to grow up.
NTA!
My partner is picky and my mum had made buffets that there was literally nothing he could eat! He wasn’t rude, he sat with us and a cup of tea and biscuits and ate when he got home. You deserve an apology and your daughter needs to open her eyes! Don’t change the restaurant, also it’s only been a few months she doesn’t need to bring him!
NTA. Please upset that guy. How rude! Your daughter is going to be in an abusive relationship if she doesn't get out. Sooner rather than later. Huge red flag! Even if he doesn't want to eat your food he could have ordered pizza if they stayed. Telling someone who cooked that I don't eat your crap warrant a never come back to my house sign. Your daughter will be stupid to stay with that man. He will emotionally abuse her and gaslight her until she won't know if she is coming or going.
>When I served the food, he looked at it like it was poison, pushed it away and said "Im not eating this crap" and left
NTA. This is an extremely rude way to decline a meal. There are many polite ways to decline a dish you dislike--my go to is "I'm not hungry." It's unreasonable to expect other people to care or accommodate your food preferences.
>I told Jen about my plans, she said he probably won't come.
He should come and just not eat. It's not that big of a deal to go to a restaurant to hang out with others have fun and not eat.
NTA - I keep saying this in this sub. I'm a celiac. I can't eat a lot of foods, and even the foods I can eat are unsafe if prepared with foods I can't have, and can land me in hospital. It would never occur to me to act like your daughter's boyfriend did if I were offered something that I didn't feel safe eating. That was rude as fuck, both to you, and to your daughter, whether it was a preference or an allergy of some sort. To up and leave without a word just drives it home that he was being a complete asshole.
Your daughter is being ridiculous if she's chosen not to go. It's a few hours away from the boyfriend, not a week long celebration of birthdays and Asian food. They are not Siamese twins, and she should understand that his rudeness means that no one is going to accommodate him. I don't know anything else about this guy, but if he's the one telling your daughter not to go, there are bigger problems here.
Don't change the reservation.
NTA. I used to be a terribly picky eater when I was a child, right up until my late teens, even early 20s. I had a boyfriend at the time whose mother loved to try adventurous cooking. I always did my best to eat her food and would never have dreamed of being so ungrateful or calling it crap.
Your daughter's dating a rude boy, NTA. I would have been horrified if anyone said that to my parents or anyone else I love. I would have talked to said asshole and explained that treating anyone that way including complete strangers is hurtful and wrong. If they stuck to their guns on rudeness, I'd move on to someone who isn't an insufferable asshole.
Change nothing. Your daughter’s bf is a major AH here and he appears to be successfully gaslighting your daughter into believing his behaviour was ok and she’s in the wrong. Red flags
NTA at all. It is one thing to be a picky eater. But to call food ‘crap’ just because it is not to your taste and then storm out? He’s a child, and a horrible one at that. I hope your daughter sees sense and dumps him soon.
NTA. I’m a picky eater. But I know not to be rude about the food itself (although many people do find it rude not to eat what is being served). I will prepare ahead of time if I can see a menu for researching something I might eat or having food along that I can eat in the car before or after. He was just rude. It’s your birthday, you get to pick and he gets to pick to attend or not. And him pressuring your daughter not to attend is red flag city.
NTA, your birthday your restaurant choice. When the BF is paying for your meal he can choose the restaurant. The proper thing to do when he didn't want to eat your cooking would have been to say, I am not able to eat this meal but thank you for offering. If he had said that at my table (I'm not eating this crap" he wouldn't have to leave I would put him out. Hopefully your daughter will see him for what he is.
He could have his food issues and not been rude. But he is. And controlling.
Stick with your plans. Make sure your daughter knows she is invited and he is too. Hopefully she will see what sort of man she is with. NTA
NTA. Don't change the restaurant and let Jen do what she wants. She'll figure out how awful her boyfriend is when she sees more of his behavior and what it's causing her to miss.
NTA, you shouldn't have to change your birthday dinner for your daughter's flavor-of-the-month boyfriend. And that sounded like a fine dinner to cook for your family.
The boyfriend, phew, he's an AH. I'd saw off my own arm before I told my lovely girlfriend's parents who I just met that their home-cooked meal was crap. I'd be happily eating that Hawaiian pizza (eww!).
But, and here's an unpopular opinion, your daughter is also a piece of work. She invited her new boyfriend over to meet 10 members of the family at once? And, after promising that they wouldn't stay for dinner, unilaterally decided that they'd stay for dinner, knowing that mom was cooking something that the boyfriend really didn't like? And then didn't bother to mention it to him in advance, so he could have a few minutes to figure out a solution?
Most folks will try to introduce a brand-new partner to one or two family members first, so that they have some allies in a room full of new people, rather than throwing them into the deep end with no prep. When you live far away, you have no choice about bringing them to Thanksgiving or some other big event, but you prep 'em, and usually they've known you for more than two months. I suppose that there are some super-extroverted, charismatic folks who might relish the challenge of dealing with nine new people at once, but I think that after two months, you'd kinda have some clue about whether that was the case with him.
The daughter is definitely the AH in this case, as well. At 27, she should've known better.
Your bday, your choice… after his performance last time, and his failure to apologize, why is he even showing up? Why would you invite him?
If after his performance last time, your daughter chooses him over you, she has bigger problems than him coming and sitting like a bump on a log next to her.
Keep you restaurant choice the same. You don’t need to have dinner with a jerk. He needs to apologize to you. Period. Next time you see him tell him that.
NTA, Daughter is always welcome at family events and in the home. David is not, I'd have set it straight after his actions at dinner that you won't be disrespected in your home or in public at family events.
NTA. He could’ve very politely told you about his food issues, instead he was rude and straight up abandoned your daughter at your house?? I’m surprised she didn’t dump him already.
NTA.
This isn’t about being a picky eater … this is about him being a gaslighting rude prick. Who storms off out of the family impromptu dinner and then makes the daughter of said family feels like it was her fault?
Man he sounds like a catch.
Just be careful here. Have your dinner and put the log on the fire of evidence he’s a dick. But then be careful it doesn’t burn her… that he doesn’t get to drive too big a wedge between you all that he controls every aspect of her life and you are quietly removed form contact with her. That’s how jerks like this work. Have Chinese with your family - it’s your favourite family meal and your birthday! And then another week offer something else. If he’s rude again to you realise he’s doing the ‘create conflict and seperate’ thing abusers do and seek advice from a Domestic Abuse line on how to support your daughter. (Which is “love her, unconditionally, always leave the door open for her to come back, and don’t be afraid to point out she’s safe with you when she doens’t feel safe with him, but don’t beat her up about her choices if she’s being brain washed … and accept that she will need to work out how to get out herself”. And more, but that’s a start.)
And yes. I think right now it’s a 70% chance he’s going to be an abusive jerk. This is how the start. It’s text book. I’m sorry.
NTA. Not your fault he has a baby mouth and he’s a rude jerk. Your daughter deserves better. And a Chinese restaurant has more than just rice dishes. He could eat beforehand. Or he could not come.
NTA, He was rude to you in your home about a dinner he wasn't even invited to when he could have politely declined because of his food preferences. Your daughter has only been dating him for a few months and it's your birthday. He doesn't have a say and if he doesn't come well then better for you because you don't have to put up with his rude behavior. Just because he doesn't like rice doesn't mean he has ruin it for others and that's what he would do if he does show up to your birthday dinner. Your daughter needs to open her eyes and realize it's unacceptable for him to treat her mother this way. Big RED FLAG there. Hope she moves on cuz it doesn't look good if he can manipulate her to think it's her fault they stayed for dinner when all he had to do was just talk to her and say that he would rather leave and let everyone enjoy their dinner.
It's your birthday, you chose where you want to eat. To be honest, there is no way I'd be inviting him after the way he treated you in your own home. Food issues or not, there is no excuse for his disgusting and rude behaviour. NTA, enjoy your b'day.
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NTA It's one thing to be picky, it's another thing to be so rude about it. Calling your food "crap" is where he automatically became the AH. I thought he was just being anxious before, but saying something like that crossed the line. Honestly? It's great to be accommodating but also don't change you plans. I think you're right, it's probably better that she gets woken up to his behaviour sooner rather than latter. The longer you get trapped with someone the harder it is to leave. That being said, be careful not to accidentally drive a wedge between yourself and your daughter. Be diplomatic and reasonable, support your daughter emotionally through this. Toxic partners have the most power when they convince people that it's just them against the world together and that no one else will support them.
The rudeness is the issue, not his dietary quirks. Be reasonable and calm in your responses to your daughter and to him, but don't set an example of caving in for fear of an outbreak or because he was rude before. Let his rudeness stand out in contrast to your reasonable positions and conditions. Have a great birthday at your Chinese restaurant of choice. Yes, it's making your daughter choose, but that will be her whole life if she stays with him. At 32, he should know better how to treat people.
For me, the issue is that he has convinced the daughter that his behaviour was somehow her fault. This is what I would be worried about if I was OP.
He was emotionally violent in front of his new gf’s family. Imagine how he treats her when no one is looking?! The OP is totally missing how serious this situation is.
Exactly, he sounds coercive
At his age, if he hasn't learned to be more diplomatic than that he isn't going to change. You simply do not address someone else's food like that, especially in their home. If you do not like it, simply say you are earlier, or you aren't hungry. That wasn't just a rude behaviour it was childish, he was throwing a fit because he didn't want to stay and he didn't like the food that was served. Daughter will have to realize that his behaviors are never on her, he is the only one responsible for how he behaves. If he acts like a kid throwing a tantrum it's him that is out of control of himself, not because someone else forced him to. One of the first times I meet my wife's grandmother was a holiday (probably Christmas or Easter) they were serving ham, I do not eat ham or most any pig based products (it's a texture thing) I didn't throw a fit, simply asked my wife to get me a small piece and lots of veggies & other stuff. I ate a small piece of ham because I didn't want to insult her grandmother's hard work, and filled up on the other foods. Because I was not a child and can to an extent control my revulsion to pork products. Growing up in a strict household where my mother emphasized manners you learn to deal with things you don't like to some extent. Now when we are invited over they let us know the menu before hand, and I can plan accordingly. I would never ask them not to have their favorites to suit my picky palate. I simply make my own Turkey or Chicken and bring it with me. Grandmother and Step Mother don't mind and will sometimes have some of what I bring also. But 20 years down the line changes things. It's always best to try to make a good impression and to be reassuring that you don't expect special treatment. NTA - Never insult someone's cooking in their own home. That is instant A-hole territory. There are plenty of ways to say you are unwilling to partake without insulting the cook or their food.
Even if he had come to the table and sat with them but just explained, it would have been fine. "I apologize in advance. All of this looks wonderful, but I have some food aversions that are, unfortunately, unavoidable and I won't be able to eat with you. But I would still love to join you while you all enjoy this dinner." It might be awkward for a bit, but it's a much more graceful way of dealing with the situation without alienating your SO's entire family. OP's daughter is in for a difficult relationship. It doesn't sound healthy.
NTA. It's your birthday and no one in your family has allergies in this restaurant.
100% this. OP - I have a couple of food aversions - if I try to eat them, I sick them up and can't control it - I have some food allergies, and I'm a very picky eater. The boyfriend is trash. Despite my aversions, and my picky eating, I can usually be polite. I can eat around the aversions and allergies, or I can explain to my host/ess without being rude. That's what grownups do. It's your birthday. Eat what makes you happy. Tell your daughter it means a lot to you that she attends, and be understanding if The Creep convinces her not to. I'm sorry that happened.
I just watched a movie with Anna Kendrick called Alice, Darling so apologies if it's over-influencing my comment here, but no...don't be understanding. I'm thinking about the mental gymnastics your daughter will have to do to be with this AH. She'll have to start carrying the keys to make sure she has a ride home. She'll have to make excuses for him when he insults her family, friends, boss. She will lose people in her life. She'll accept it when he gaslights her into thinking it's her fault. It sounds like emotional abuse is right around the corner, and that shit sneaks up slowly, in small bites, and insidiously. Or maybe this is a one-off but that's a pretty ballsy move with his first interaction with his potential future MIL... I don't know my red flags would be furiously and aggressively waving and I'd gtfo.
Actually, I said "be understanding" specifically because of the red flags. What OP might want to avoid is alienating her daughter, because abusers start off by isolating their victims. If the daughter thinks she can't turn to her mother, she'll be more vulnerable to this abuser.
Ah ya. Fair point. Tricky balance for mom. Ay yay yay this guy sounds like a real peach... /s
NTA. It's your birthday. I'm a picky eater, I'll admit. But I would never sit at someone's table and call the food they've made me "crap." What a rude ass.
Seriously, just say no thank you and pass the plate or bowl or whatever to the next person.
He’s abusive. It has nothing to do with food aversions or manners.
Agree. Even if I didn't think I could eat anything that was served, I'd apologize for my weird eating habits, stick around for conversation, and make a sandwich at home later. With a restaurant, I'll look through the menu online ahead of time so I don't hold up everyone else when ordering. It's not hard to be picky and polite at the same time.
I tell my wife all the time "pick any place, I can find something I will eat at any restaurant. Most places offer some for of fried chicken strip in some sauce or a salad either of which I can make work. I'll deal with it if it brings her happiness to have something she wants" I know she would do the same for me.
I'm also a picky eater and I can only remember one restaurant I couldn't eat anything at. They didn't even have a salad option. It was chosen for my friend's bac party. I made up an excuse to meet them later, instead of behaving like a toddler.
I cant eat soy so most Asian food is out and yet I still wouldn't act like this. I would eat plain rice and grab a snack on the way home. This guy us an ass. NTA. What happened to basic manners?
Me too. There are a lot of foods I don't eat for various reasons (a lot are texture related) but I will go out of my way to NOT make it someone else's problem cause they're my food issues, so it should never impact other people. The BF is a grown adult. There's no reason he couldn't have said something like "It looks/smells great but I can't eat it because (reasons), but thank you for the offer" and then hit up a drive through on the way home.
Completely agree if I’m offered food I either politely decline ahead of time or just eat it
Yeah. It's one thing to say "I'm sure this is amazing, but I happen to dislike rice" and another to say "this is crap"
Yeah, my parents taught me pretty young to keep my mouth shut and eat at least some of what was put in front of me when I’m a guest unless it’s something I happen to be allergic to. This is just rudeness.
NTA. He's being abusive, insulting, and controlling. Him leaving her stranded there without saying a word is a huge red flag for abuse. He will undoubtedly be trying to get her to distance herself from you, other family, and friends. Are you Asian? And he's trying to bully your Asian daughter into never eating Asian food again? That's not just abusive, that's racist fetish behavior.
I am not asian. I cook food from all over the world regularly. This was Vietnamese sweet chilie chicken and coconut rice
Sounds delish!
[удалено]
It was really good.
there’s something about coconut rice that hits
[удалено]
My personal favorite usage: cook your coconut rice, and when it's about 2/3 the way done cooking, add in a diced mango and a diced red bell pepper. Allow the rice to finish cooking. While your rice is cooking, chop a head of cauliflower into bite-sized pieces, toss it in olive oil, coat it generously in Caribbean jerk seasoning, and roast it for 20 minutes at 425. Top the rice with the cauliflower and serve with diced scallions. YUM! You could also sub in chicken if you're not a vegetarian like me :)
🙋🏻♀️
I love vietnamese food.
The jerk shouldn’t be allowed back into your home and life until he apologizes to you and your family Your daughter is setting herself up for disaster. Please don’t be a doormat...go to where you want. It’s your birthday. Happy birthday in advance 🎂🎊🎈🎉🎁
That sounds yummy Do you have a recipe to share please?
Recipe please?? 🙂
Guaranteed he stormed off and left her there because she agreed to stay for dinner. The humiliation and embarrassment was her punishment for disobeying
NTA It’s your birthday. You get to pick the restaurant! It should be where you want to go. You’re in a tender spot tho. Making your daughter feel like she has to choose is an easy path to alienation and isolation. That said, I wouldn’t do shit to accommodate an ass hole like him.
I kind of feel it might help her wake up. Its really early in the relationship
Just be careful. If he does pressure her into not going, do your best not to guilt her. He certainly sounds like he's potentially abusive and if so, he'll try to isolate her.
Im hoping she will see that and wake up.
Update us when she kicks him to the curb! (To that end, maybe some time after your birthday dinner (maybe in a letter?) gently point out that she's aware his behavior was inappropriate and how he treated her--leaving, berating her--makes you uncomfortable because she deserves to be treated with respect even when he's upset.)
I was in an abusive relationship for 5 years. They're very complex and it can take a long time to "wake up". The best, and only thing you can do as a parent is never say a bad word against him, or let your daughter know you don't like him. That way, when she leaves him, she'll feel like she can come to you for support.
Doesn't that just normalize his behavior?
Betting on a wake up call is dangerous. He's already convinced her she was in the wrong once, next it will be you're in the wrong and she's wrong for siding with you. He's really got his hooks in for a new relationship.
Hopefully she sees it, I already told her this was a possible reaction from him
Real question though: What can you do in such a situation?
I would suggest meeting up with Jenifer separately and mentioning that you've noticed some concerning behaviour from her new boyfriend, and you want to make sure she's OK, and that she knows that what happened at the house at dinner was not her fault. Remind her that she is loved and cared for and that sometimes, when we like someone, we don't see the red flags. I would then tell her that you find his behaviour alarming, but she's obviously an adult, and she can date whoever she wants. Promise not to mention it again, and remind her you just love her and want her to be happy with a loving partner who respects her. Obviously, OP can't stop her from seeing this guy. And going too hard is just going to push her towards him, but just sitting by with a 'ehhh I'm sure this will all work itself out' mindset is dangerous. No parent wants to believe *their* child is capable of being manipulated by an abuser until they don't know which way is up, but it can happen to anyone, and it happens QUICK.
>going too hard is just going to push her towards him Which is why I asked that question. Good advice!
You definitely don’t need to change your plans for someone who was so rude to you in your home. However, please be gentle and logical with your daughter whenever you have to discuss this particular guy. She needs to know you will love and support her always- his behavior is concerning and your daughter needs you to be her safe haven if & when things reach a point of no-return with him. NTA
NTA Go where you want to go. That man should never be invited to share a meal with you ever again. His behaviour is inexcusable. He sounds like he is abusive to you daughter as well. Your daughter needs to tread carefully.
NTA. It's your birthday and no one in your family has allergies in this restaurant. Why would you change restaurants???
NTA - I hope for your daughter's sake, and yours indirectly, he's just a short fling... that dude sounds like one obnoxious rude mofo, already gas-lighting your daughter.
Nta - but your daughter is potentially in a relationship with a controlling abuser. He has issues with food but he also has some anger issues and manipulates her.
I agree
what kind of feral being responds in such a manner to the person that cooked them a meal in their own home? no one does that. sirens would be blasting off in my head
My bet? It was in response to Jenifer agreeing to stay for dinner after he said earlier he didn't want to. Abusers don't deal well with disobedience. Making a scene, storming off, embarrassing her - all punishments for the disobedience
I would not change it. This guy insulted you in your home. After you prepared a meal for him. "I'm not eating this crap". He wouldn't be allowed back in my house till he apologized sincerely.
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NTA. It’s your bday fuck that guy
NTA. I can't imagine someone being this rude and still wanting to be friends with them, let alone letting them be my BF. I hope your daughter breaks up with him. You are NTA, don't change the restaurant.
NTA. This man is a walking red flag. I hope your daughter realizes that soon.
NTA. Toddler mode was activated at your house. I'm sorry Jen got back together with him knowing how rude he is.
NTA. I have trouble understanding so many things. I have been married now for 7 years, from day 1 there were times when I would go hang out with someone without my husband and there were times where he would be with people without me. That included family get togethers. I do NOT understand this new mentality of bf and gf have to be everywhere together at all times. Am I missing something? It's your bday, even without food being an issue, it's something that's gonna probably be a bit boring and maybe even uncomfortable for him with so much family being around. I sincerely hope he sees it that way too and doesn't start a drama over her going to her mothers bday. If he does, she needs to get away ASAP, red flag for a controlling freak.!
Boyfriend is very much making it, us against them (OP) If OP changes the venue, he wins, he gets to assert his dominance over Jenifer and the family and the sets a precedence that his feelings Trump everything. If OP doesn't change the venue, then it's 'well jenifer, OP doesn't respect me, doesn't respect US. are you going to let me be disrespected like that?' He's showing classic early signs of abuse
Yep, I can hear the rest of the conversation now; 🚩BF: 'well jenifer, OP doesn't respect me, doesn't respect US. are you going to let me be disrespected like that?' J: ‘well, you kind of disrespected my parent by calling their food crap…’ 🚩BF: ‘that’s not what I said, and that not relevant now anyway, and it’s their fault anyway for cooking such disgusting food in the first place and now picking a restaurant with even more crap food!’ J: ‘well, I’m going to my parent’s birthday dinner anyway…’ 🚩BF: ‘What, you going to leave me alone here to *starve* while you’re out stuffing your face with disgusting food! How rude! And how rude of your parent to expect you to come without me, so disrespectful, so sad…’ etc. Have the birthday at the restaurant you planned, tell your daughter she’s not shackled to this guy and that is healthy for couples to do separate things now and then. When it’s his birthday he can pick the restaurant. NTA
And I bet if she does go, he's A. blowing up her phone the whole time, making sure she doesn't enjoy the dinner. B. He goes radio silent and punishes her by ignoring her for a day or two, racking up the 'omg I did something wrong feelings' in her until she's apologising. Either way, she'll eventually learn, going against his wishes end with her being miserable and anxious and embarrassed. And she'll start just doing what he wants to save herself those feelings. OP says the relationship is super new, and hopefully this will be a wake up call for her, but I can't help but think the first incident should have been a wake up call, and the fact that he managed to twist her around until she's apologising is extremely worrying and shows how good he is at manipulation and how deep his claws already are. OP doesn't seem appropriately worried about this imo.
True, or he's just a brat. I couldn't stand being with someone like this, hopefully her daughter will see that too in time.
NTA. I've been a picky eater my whole life. Like, for years nearly all I ate was ham steak and pasta. And I would be embarrassed for reacting like that. I especially wouldn't gaslight my partner into thinking it's their fault. This boy has given you no reason whatsoever to be accommodating for him on your own birthday.
I‘m a picky eater who’s been vegan for a decade. My preferred meals in my pre-vegan days were pretty simple, meat-and-three veg dishes. I don’t like spicy food. I don’t like avocado. I don’t like eggplant or cooked tomato or mushrooms or vinaigrettes. In short, I make my own life extremely difficult when eating out 😂. But you know what I’ve never, ever done? Been rude when someone has offered me food I don’t like or can’t eat. I’ve never demanded people choose a restaurant that I like for their birthday celebrations. I’ve politely declined some invitations, and I’ve eaten a ton of French fries and steamed vegetables, and I’ve pretended not to be hungry and just had a Coke. Because that’s what you *do* when you give a damn about being polite.
He sounds delightful! And by "delightful" I mean "rude as fuck." "She said he probably won't come..." Annnnnnd...the problem solves itself. NTA.
NTA. And you better NOT change the restaurant! I don’t know why you would even consider doing that. First, he needs to apologize for calling your food “crap”. I’m a pretty easygoing person, but there’s no way I would make any effort toward him in any way ever unless there was a sincere apology. It’s your birthday. Plan for the restaurant you want. Changing restaurants to please this guy makes no sense, and he may be impossible to please no matter where you go or what you do. If he pressures your daughter not to go, maybe that will help open her eyes about this guy. Happy Birthday! 🎂
NTA who does not eat rice?
He said he doesn't eat plain rice, I said it's actually coconut rice. He pulled a face. That's when he said im not eating this shit and walked out.
People with sensory issues might not for example. Though they'd still be expected to convey that politely, or at the very least not being a complete bellend as they do.
Its weird, right?
I know someone that doesn't eat rice, because as a kid, his sister swapped out some of his rice for maggots. There's plenty of reasons not to like a certain ingredient. Most people have the common sense to not be rude about it.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My(58F) Daughter Jenifer (27f) has a new BF David (32m) Last week they came to dinner, it wasn't planned in advance, they came for something else and just stayed for dinner. I cooked an Asian dish. Unknown to me at the time, David has some major food hangups, no allergies or special diet, just things he doesn't eat. He hadn't wanted to stay, apparently, he said so earlier in the day, but Jen forgot. He didn't say anything when Jen asked me could they stay. When I served the food, he looked at it like it was poison, pushed it away and said "Im not eating this crap" and left. He totally left, drove home without her, or without telling her he was leaving. My daughter was stunned and upset. They had a huge fight over his rude behavior and him leaving her there. A week later they made up, He seems to have convinced her it was her fault for staying for dinner, she knew about his food issues. She felt bad for not considering his hang ups but told him his behavior was not ok, he should have spoken to her about it before dinner. So now this is where I come in and might be the AH. My birthday is coming up and my son is flying in from out of state, so I really want the whole family there. I had already chosen the restaurant I want to go to for dinner on my birthday. It's a Chinse restaurant that my family all enjoy. I am assuming that David will not eat there since he had such a problem with my Asian food. He said rice is a big turn off for him. I could change, there is time, but I really don't want to. They have only been dating a couple of months. And he was very rude to me in my home. He hasn't apologized to me. I told Jen about my plans, she said he probably won't come. I asked if she would still come or if she is going to choose to stay with him. She said she would come but...I suspect he will pressure her to not come. Part of me wants to push it to show my daughter what she has in store for her future if she stays in this relationship, but the other part wants to not upset anyone. AITA if I don't change the restaurant? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
NTA and of course Asian food is the only menu now...what a horrible guy
NTA. He sounds dreadful.
NTA. First of all, this is your birthday, not his. You don't need to accommodate his BS. Secondly, that dude is three red flags in a trench coat. I hope that your daughter gets away from him because WOW.
NTA Are you mom or dad? If you are mom, he will never respect or respond to you because you are a woman. If you are dad, he might respond to you if he is scared of you. This isn't going to be an epic romance for the ages for your daughter. Hopefully, it is a quick lesson in how to spot and lose an asshole in a couple of months for her.
NTA Don't change the restaurant - it's your birthday, you get to eat wherever you want. Rude assholes don't have to be catered to. I hope your daughter gets away from this guy, because if he's this much of a prick early on in the relationship (when even abusers are usually on their best behavior) it's only going to get worse.
Nta And I would never tolerate me boyfriend calling my mom's food crap and storming out of her house. Good lord, who does this?
You’re not wrong for that for sure. But if he’s that much of an asshole, assuming he is a controlling and abusive one, you might have to give your daughter a soft landing pad. Tell her in advance you’ll always be there for her but you will still want her to come and be part of your family. If she has been in healthy ish relationships, abusive relationships are something she doesn’t watch out for. Take care
NTA. He can have all the good issues he wants, but it doesn’t give him the right to be an AH about it.
Nope!! And enjoy!!!
NTA. There have been times I haven’t loved a particular restaurant someone has picked to celebrate at. But since I’m not a giant jerk, I go and find SOMETHING to eat even if it’s a side or two. Boyfriend does not know how to act.
NTA, especially because he hasn't apologized to you for his reaction. If he had apologized and said "I'm sorry for my reaction the other night, I was caught off guard and can't be around rice for X reason" then yes it would be nice of you (but still not required) to be the bigger person and give him a more fair second chance. But without even a half-assed apology I wouldn't even give him a second thought.
Who wants to bet he was less upset about the food and more upset that Jenifer went against his earlier statement about staying for dinner and storming off and leaving her there, embarrassed, was her punishment. This guy REEKS of future abuse
Nta, David can figure his own shit out
NTA. Dude's totally toxic. Convincing her his rudeness is her fault is a huge red flag.
NTA >Im not eating this crap Is not a food issue. Strart as you mean to go on, if you change the restaurant this time the expectation will be that you always will and then the first time you don't want to will be a huge fight.
32? I've seen 3 year olds behave better. He needs to grow up and if he's convincing your daughter it's her fault then what else is he doing? NTA
Marinara Flags all over this AH of a bf. NTA - eat all the best Chinese deliciousness.
NTA His food preferences are so incredibly irrelevant. Your daughter is in an abusive relationship. Please try to get through to her
NTA. Your daughter’s bf sucks. Did his parents never teach him basic manners?
NTA. He sounds like a pig. Threw a tantrum and walked out. It's YOUR birthday, don't bend to please him
NTA I'm autistic and have a lot of food issues, so I kind of get that being confronted with unfamiliar food can be a lot for some people. But the attitude of causing someone's food "crap" is unacceptable, just politely say you're not hungry. If he really kind find anything to eat on a Chinese menu that someone else has selected for their birthday, he doesn't need to come. Ita not like all Chinese food has rice, there are a lot of noodle or meat & veg dishes. But most Chinese I know (uk) there is usually a picky fucks menu (also called a "European menu") that will have chicken nuggets and chips if he really can't handle it.
NTA. Dave not attending sounds like a plus.
NTA: I am what is considered a picky eater and I would never ever ever consider being rude to someone in their home like that. You try a bit and apologize profusely and say you don’t like the food but thank them for the invite and the food anyway then make polite conversation after the fact
My fiance is a picky eater (she will always try something once though but won't eat anything with cream). So when my mother makes weird exotic foods (we live in Ireland) and my fiance is there, she just picks the parts she can eat. Honestly my mother does try but also it's my fiance who has let my mother know exactly the things she won't eat so it's a conversation they had to have. That said you're fully entitled to go where ever ye wanna go, he sounds like a pain. NTA
I dont have amounts, I cooked for 10. Chicken cut up, thighs are best Red chilies Ginger, a lot Green onions Brown sugar. hot water Cook brown sugar till it melts, toss chicken and other ingredients in, add hot water, cook until it reduces to a sticky sauce. Cook coconut rice to go with or steamed rice.
NTA, but don't pressure her. Let him be the one who gives her the ultimatum.
NTA. The fact that he doesn't care at all about making a good impression on his girlfriend's parents or generally trying to be polite means he's not worth the effort it would take to accommodate him. Hopefully they're not long lasting.
NTA. It's not incumbent upon you to accommodate someone who doesn't know how to behave in public.
NTA. Change your restaurant? Are you joking? I would never be in the same room with that rude clown again.
NTA Jen is heading for some serious issues with David. His controlling is apparent this early, it's not going to get better as time goes on! However, at this point this is something she needs to figure out for herself. It's still early in the relationship, so if she is consistently missing out on family stuff because of him, she may come to that realisation herself fairly quickly. So, you either upset David (who will take it out on Jen), or you disrupt the rest of your family on YOUR birthday. Nope. One relatively new person in the fold doesn't get to dictate what the rest of the family does.
NTA. I wouldn't even invite him. It's your birthday, go where you want. She needs to dump the bf. He'll never change.
Your Birthday! Happy Birthday! Celebrate how YOU want to!. NTA
He’s 32? Hmmm kinda old to have a tantrum
I am a picky eater. But if there is something I don’t like I will just not eat it or pick out the things I don’t like. I will not be rude to the people cos it’s my problem not there’s. I say NTA but hopefully your daughter removes the rose coloured glasses concerning her bf
NTA. So 32 year old wholeass man threw a temper tantrum over rice?? He could have communicated that the food looks good but he is simply not that hungry like a normal considerate human being. Or could have literally said he doesn’t feeling like eating without being a totally AH about it. He had so many options and he choose to: 1- Disrespecting you, your hospitality and your food in your OWN home. Like you could have been his FMIL and he choose to just straight up to be rude his SO’s mother?? 2- After disrespecting you he disrespected Jen (aka his gf that he supposed to love, care and respect???) without saying anything and just leaving. LEAVING HER BEHIND! 3- Gaslight Jen and shift the blame saying its her fault to begin with because he was probably so incapable of talking like an adult about his concerns about HIS ISSUES with food. And on top of it he also embarrassed your daughter in-front of you which is straight up not acceptable to me. I would be dying in front of my bf’s family and even then I would ask them kindly if I can die in that corner and if they’re ok with it. It’s your birthday so his wants are irrelevant. He can eat at home and just be there to celebrate and drink something like a normal picky eater would do. And a side note you don’t have to be turned on by food to be able to eat them. He’s 32 he can figure his problems on his own without your daughter babying him. I would die on this hill OP tbh. Its your birthday. You can say to your daughter simply “If the man that supposedly loves and respects can’t show the same respect to your family for one day and guilt-trips you not to join then what else he wont respect and show compromise in future?” I can imagine if they have a baby the guy saying he can’t change diapers because it turns him off. NTA. But he is. Let your daughter see how massive of an AH he is. Edit:formatting and typos
NTA. I have issues with food (always to do with texture) and I don't really eat meat. When I'm in a similar situation I put on my big girl panties and cope. It's only one meal. You would be the AH if the problem was food allergies or intolerances. But it's not. Enjoy your birthday!
OP, try & make sure your daughter sees this. My thought was ‘they made up’ - why? BF is clearly an asshole, not surprised he’s still single at 32. NTA.
NTA He sounds selfish, rude, controlling and racist and that's the last person I'd try to accomodate.
You are definitely NTA, he is. He was super rude and is most likely controlling to your daughter. Keep the restaurant the same, being a picky eater is one thing but being rude and calling food you made crap is completely another thing. He disrespected you and your daughter in your home. Hopefully your daughter sees him for who he is and dumps his ass! My teen daughter is SUPER picky about food but she has never been rude if she doesn’t like something. We go out to eat as a family often, and if there is not something she will like, she is not rude or upset. If she knows ahead of time she will eat something before and if not when she gets home. Also if she is at a friends and they ask her to dinner, she sometimes stays and tries it (and even sometimes ends up liking it) or she says she’s not very hungry, or occasionally she will politely decline the dinner invite and come home. The rudeness is the dealbreaker in your daughters boyfriend.
NTA It sounds like your daughter might be in an abusive relationship. Who acts like that when meeting their significant other's parerents?? Or at all when eating at someone's home? A reasonable thing for him to do is to ask his girlfriend, "What's for dinner?" before accepting the invite. For the birthday, he could eat beforehand and then come for tea and dessert just to celebrate, but this man-child is not interested in being reasonable it seems. It's your birthday, eat where you want, and keep a very close eye on this relationship of your daughter's.
NTA. I didn't go through the comments so don't know if anyone mentioned this or not. But he is showing several red flags and abusive behaviour. Don't change the place, but make sure to stress to your daughter that she is always welcome. And not only for the bday party celebration but in general. Your daughter might be blinded by love now, but if his behaviour escalates, and it all comes crashing down, she will need someone there for her. And also, make sure to check in if her behaviour also suddenly starts changing and she shows signs of getting in too deep in an emotionally abusive relationship.
NTA But you need to do somw research in gaslighting and emotional manipulation and abuse because this giynis a dudd and your daughter needs tp get rid of him now before hos behavior worsens.
NTA After the way he previously treated your daughter, David shouldn't even be invited to your celebration.
WARNING WARNING WARNING This is not about restaurants or even an apology. Your daughter is in an abusive relationship. Full stop. Please seek advice and counseling from a domestic abuse specialist. I know there are communication techniques and best practices for helping a loved one leave an abusive partner. Your daughter needs expert support, get yourself informed. YTA for not seeing how serious this is and playing games instead.
NTA. Please, please do not change your plans for this incredibly rude man. Your daughters choices are her own, but you don’t have to like or endorse them.
NTA. He sounds rude, immature, and controlling. Have all the food sensitivities, preferences, or hang ups you want - it’s **never** okay to push away a dish, call it crap, and flounce off in a huff. Don’t change the restaurant for him. It’s your birthday, and your choice. Besides, he sounds like the type who’ll continue pulling this sort of crap over and over if he gets away with it once.
NTA, until he grows up and apologizes to you, he needs to be banned from your home. You need to meet with your daughter about how he acted. Look for signs of abuse. Things like long sleeves, turtleneck or scarf. Guys that act like this rarely just verbally abuse.
NTA and he sounds like a walking red flag 🚩. Who doesn’t like rice? It’s rice? Rice isn’t crap. That’s such rude, bizarre behavior. He sounds high maintenance and dramatic. Bad combo.
He can shove it up his ass
NTA. Calling food crap is judgy AF, and implies it’s below him to consume. Annnnd, he’s slowly trying to bend the daughter to HIS food issue views… that no one else seems to have.
NTA... BF is an AH. Eat where you want. However try not to poke the bear, you want your daughter to figure it out on her own instead of defending him from you.
Nta. If the bf has a dietary restriction that prevents him from eating the food that’s one thing but he’s just picky and the words he said were totally rude and disrespectful regardless. I dont think you should change the restaurant just because the bf doesn’t like Chinese food (there’s tons of options with Chinese food that you could totally work around if you are picky).
NTA she needs to get rid of him fast. That’s scary bad behavior
NTA Guy sounds toxic.
NTA but your daughter is in an abusive relationship. I hope she can get out ASAP.
NTA he's not simply rude, he's abusive (leaving your house without telling your daughter is a huge red flag). Have you birthday at the restaurant you like and find a way to help your daughter running away from this man.
This is your birthday dinner. No, you are not the AH
No NTA. He was rude AF and owes both you and your daughter apologies. The guy is a walking red flag. I’d hesitate to push too soon.
NTA I’m highly anaphylactic to shellfish and real fish (plus lots of other foods) but still did every family dinner for ex’s family at Red Lobster. I just stuffed my face before hand and picked at salads and biscuits during the hours long event. My children unfortunately have many anaphylactic issues as well. They still have been taught to politely say “no thank you” and CHANGE THE SUBJECT to something funny or pleasant. If we try hard enough we can usually come up with something they can try, but we also prepare ahead. Of course, that’s actual health reasons but if children can understand how to be polite then so can he. There could be an ongoing issue in the relationship that you don’t know about, but he still could have had basic manners. As far as your birthday … it’s your day so go where you want to go. NTA - but he sure is and hopefully your daughter realizes that soon
NTA. I couldn’t imagine acting this way. Once when I was young and dating this person I stayed for dinner and was served what to me was the grossest dish imaginable - steamed carrots in butter. But I ate all I was served and to be polite asked for more. I drank so much water to choke down that food they must have thought me dehydrated. But I wasn’t gonna slander any cooking in that situation. Sorry your daughter is dating a loser.
NTA. For your birthday meal you pick the venue. Why would you even consider changing it to suit someone who insulted you in your own home? I wouldn't entertain him until he apologised and learnt some basic manners.
Ntah.. don't change your plans to suit a ride disrespectful hopefully short term boyfriend. Personally I would ensure all future meals if he is involved are Asian food just to keep him well away.
NTA. If your daughter stays with that guy, and worse, if he convinces her to not show up for your birthday, then she is a lost cause. Not liking something is one thing, not liking it and being rude is another. He doesn't get to dictate what you serve at home and especially what you want to eat on your birthday. You should pretty much just cut him out of your life. You don't have to force your daughter to choose you or him but she better learn to manage how to have both of you in her life and how to prioritize her time for occasions for each of you.
No but everyone who caters to this obnoxious individual is just as bad as he is. I wouldn't give him the time of day until he apologises for his appalling behaviour.
NTA. Your daughter is in an abusive relationship. You bowing down to the abuser will not help or change anything for her.
NTA. Firstly, he was rude and didn't apologise. Secondly, it is your birthday, not his. Thirdly, it is good to refuse to establish that this temper-tantrum toddler in an adult body does not get to set the agenda regarding food. If it destroys the relationship, good because your daughter is unlikely to get a worse boyfriend next time around. If they stay together, establishing now that his tantrums won't work is an important step towards surviving his toxic presence.
NTA It’s your birthday, you choose the restaurant. I wouldn’t be letting him set foot in my house again until he apologises for his rudeness either.
NTA, I'm also a super picky eater. If I go to an event that doesn't have food I like, or a restaurant I won't like. I'll get a drink, eat bread or an appetizer if available, and politely let people enjoy their meal or join in the conversation. My hang ups are mine to handle, not the rest of the table's. Your daughter's new BF needs to grow up.
NTA! My partner is picky and my mum had made buffets that there was literally nothing he could eat! He wasn’t rude, he sat with us and a cup of tea and biscuits and ate when he got home. You deserve an apology and your daughter needs to open her eyes! Don’t change the restaurant, also it’s only been a few months she doesn’t need to bring him!
NTA. Please upset that guy. How rude! Your daughter is going to be in an abusive relationship if she doesn't get out. Sooner rather than later. Huge red flag! Even if he doesn't want to eat your food he could have ordered pizza if they stayed. Telling someone who cooked that I don't eat your crap warrant a never come back to my house sign. Your daughter will be stupid to stay with that man. He will emotionally abuse her and gaslight her until she won't know if she is coming or going.
>When I served the food, he looked at it like it was poison, pushed it away and said "Im not eating this crap" and left NTA. This is an extremely rude way to decline a meal. There are many polite ways to decline a dish you dislike--my go to is "I'm not hungry." It's unreasonable to expect other people to care or accommodate your food preferences. >I told Jen about my plans, she said he probably won't come. He should come and just not eat. It's not that big of a deal to go to a restaurant to hang out with others have fun and not eat.
NTA I’m petty, and he was rude and has yet to apologize. I say make all future menus all rice rice rice! . Happy Birthday!!!
NTA - I keep saying this in this sub. I'm a celiac. I can't eat a lot of foods, and even the foods I can eat are unsafe if prepared with foods I can't have, and can land me in hospital. It would never occur to me to act like your daughter's boyfriend did if I were offered something that I didn't feel safe eating. That was rude as fuck, both to you, and to your daughter, whether it was a preference or an allergy of some sort. To up and leave without a word just drives it home that he was being a complete asshole. Your daughter is being ridiculous if she's chosen not to go. It's a few hours away from the boyfriend, not a week long celebration of birthdays and Asian food. They are not Siamese twins, and she should understand that his rudeness means that no one is going to accommodate him. I don't know anything else about this guy, but if he's the one telling your daughter not to go, there are bigger problems here. Don't change the reservation.
NTA. I used to be a terribly picky eater when I was a child, right up until my late teens, even early 20s. I had a boyfriend at the time whose mother loved to try adventurous cooking. I always did my best to eat her food and would never have dreamed of being so ungrateful or calling it crap.
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It's YOUR birthday. Please don't cater to this guy's preferences. He has yet to appologize to you for being disrespectful, insulting and rude.
Your son is flying in out of state. Ask him to pick your daughter up on the way to the restaurant.
And let David stay home...
You don't want that party-pooper present.
NTA
Have a nice birthday
NTA. It’s your birthday.
Your daughter's dating a rude boy, NTA. I would have been horrified if anyone said that to my parents or anyone else I love. I would have talked to said asshole and explained that treating anyone that way including complete strangers is hurtful and wrong. If they stuck to their guns on rudeness, I'd move on to someone who isn't an insufferable asshole.
Change nothing. Your daughter’s bf is a major AH here and he appears to be successfully gaslighting your daughter into believing his behaviour was ok and she’s in the wrong. Red flags
NTA at all. It is one thing to be a picky eater. But to call food ‘crap’ just because it is not to your taste and then storm out? He’s a child, and a horrible one at that. I hope your daughter sees sense and dumps him soon.
NTA He sounds like an awful person
NTA- It's YOUR Birthday. Don't change your choice for an immature person with No Social grace. Up to your Daughter who she decides to pick.
Who doesn't like rice?
Nta she's in an abusive relationship
>He hasn't apologized to me. And you don't need to accommodate him until he does. NTA
NTA. I’m a picky eater. But I know not to be rude about the food itself (although many people do find it rude not to eat what is being served). I will prepare ahead of time if I can see a menu for researching something I might eat or having food along that I can eat in the car before or after. He was just rude. It’s your birthday, you get to pick and he gets to pick to attend or not. And him pressuring your daughter not to attend is red flag city.
NTA, your birthday your restaurant choice. When the BF is paying for your meal he can choose the restaurant. The proper thing to do when he didn't want to eat your cooking would have been to say, I am not able to eat this meal but thank you for offering. If he had said that at my table (I'm not eating this crap" he wouldn't have to leave I would put him out. Hopefully your daughter will see him for what he is.
NTA. I don’t like how David acted at your house at all. Calling food crap and just leaving. This is not the guy for her.
He could have his food issues and not been rude. But he is. And controlling. Stick with your plans. Make sure your daughter knows she is invited and he is too. Hopefully she will see what sort of man she is with. NTA
NTA. Don't change the restaurant and let Jen do what she wants. She'll figure out how awful her boyfriend is when she sees more of his behavior and what it's causing her to miss.
NTA, you shouldn't have to change your birthday dinner for your daughter's flavor-of-the-month boyfriend. And that sounded like a fine dinner to cook for your family. The boyfriend, phew, he's an AH. I'd saw off my own arm before I told my lovely girlfriend's parents who I just met that their home-cooked meal was crap. I'd be happily eating that Hawaiian pizza (eww!). But, and here's an unpopular opinion, your daughter is also a piece of work. She invited her new boyfriend over to meet 10 members of the family at once? And, after promising that they wouldn't stay for dinner, unilaterally decided that they'd stay for dinner, knowing that mom was cooking something that the boyfriend really didn't like? And then didn't bother to mention it to him in advance, so he could have a few minutes to figure out a solution? Most folks will try to introduce a brand-new partner to one or two family members first, so that they have some allies in a room full of new people, rather than throwing them into the deep end with no prep. When you live far away, you have no choice about bringing them to Thanksgiving or some other big event, but you prep 'em, and usually they've known you for more than two months. I suppose that there are some super-extroverted, charismatic folks who might relish the challenge of dealing with nine new people at once, but I think that after two months, you'd kinda have some clue about whether that was the case with him. The daughter is definitely the AH in this case, as well. At 27, she should've known better.
Your bday, your choice… after his performance last time, and his failure to apologize, why is he even showing up? Why would you invite him? If after his performance last time, your daughter chooses him over you, she has bigger problems than him coming and sitting like a bump on a log next to her.
Keep you restaurant choice the same. You don’t need to have dinner with a jerk. He needs to apologize to you. Period. Next time you see him tell him that.
NTA. That man is disgusting and I hope you’re daughter wises up soon
NTA, Daughter is always welcome at family events and in the home. David is not, I'd have set it straight after his actions at dinner that you won't be disrespected in your home or in public at family events.
NTA. Your daughter needs to get out of that relationship now... period.
NTA. He could’ve very politely told you about his food issues, instead he was rude and straight up abandoned your daughter at your house?? I’m surprised she didn’t dump him already.
NTA he needs to work on his manners.
NTA. This isn’t about being a picky eater … this is about him being a gaslighting rude prick. Who storms off out of the family impromptu dinner and then makes the daughter of said family feels like it was her fault? Man he sounds like a catch. Just be careful here. Have your dinner and put the log on the fire of evidence he’s a dick. But then be careful it doesn’t burn her… that he doesn’t get to drive too big a wedge between you all that he controls every aspect of her life and you are quietly removed form contact with her. That’s how jerks like this work. Have Chinese with your family - it’s your favourite family meal and your birthday! And then another week offer something else. If he’s rude again to you realise he’s doing the ‘create conflict and seperate’ thing abusers do and seek advice from a Domestic Abuse line on how to support your daughter. (Which is “love her, unconditionally, always leave the door open for her to come back, and don’t be afraid to point out she’s safe with you when she doens’t feel safe with him, but don’t beat her up about her choices if she’s being brain washed … and accept that she will need to work out how to get out herself”. And more, but that’s a start.) And yes. I think right now it’s a 70% chance he’s going to be an abusive jerk. This is how the start. It’s text book. I’m sorry.
NTA. Not your fault he has a baby mouth and he’s a rude jerk. Your daughter deserves better. And a Chinese restaurant has more than just rice dishes. He could eat beforehand. Or he could not come.
Your birthday, your party. He is the Asshole.
Your daughter needs to get away from this guy, like now
NTA Your celebration, your choice. He could order a noodle dish.
NTA, He was rude to you in your home about a dinner he wasn't even invited to when he could have politely declined because of his food preferences. Your daughter has only been dating him for a few months and it's your birthday. He doesn't have a say and if he doesn't come well then better for you because you don't have to put up with his rude behavior. Just because he doesn't like rice doesn't mean he has ruin it for others and that's what he would do if he does show up to your birthday dinner. Your daughter needs to open her eyes and realize it's unacceptable for him to treat her mother this way. Big RED FLAG there. Hope she moves on cuz it doesn't look good if he can manipulate her to think it's her fault they stayed for dinner when all he had to do was just talk to her and say that he would rather leave and let everyone enjoy their dinner.
Fuck him. It's your birthday. Double fuck him.
It's your birthday, you chose where you want to eat. To be honest, there is no way I'd be inviting him after the way he treated you in your own home. Food issues or not, there is no excuse for his disgusting and rude behaviour. NTA, enjoy your b'day.
NTA. But I’d be a lot more concerned about the fact that your daughter appears to be in beginnings of an an abusive relationship.