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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> For the first nine years of my cousin's kid's life I took her out with me and bought her stuff to help out he mom. Then my cousin married a guy with two kids. I might be the asshole for not wanting to involve those kids in my time with Calli?
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NTA, you have a special bond with Calli, not with her step kids. Kids need to learn to manage disappointment and this is a great opportunity for them to get some practice in. Not everything in life is fair and equal, and that can be painful to accept, but it is also a reality that we must accept in life.
The kids have barely been step-niblings for two years. And the dad only gets them on weekends. So why is the new husband ready to pawn his kids off on other people the two days he gets them? Dude's already just the weekend dad.
If Calli wants the step siblings to join, she's the one that has to ask OP. Otherwise the dad needs to figure shit out.
I’m wondering the same thing. My parents lived states away so I only ever saw my dad over the summer, but my friends who had divorced parents were *never* allowed to do anything on the weekends. Their dads wanted the time with them because that’s all they’d get.
NTA, this is between the people who have custody to treat their children right i.e the sis's husband and the husband's ex. Calli is becoming a teen and not allowed is the first thing she is going to rebel against and that is going to leave the relationship between Callie and her mother in tatters even though Callie's mother has every legal right to refuse
NTA
Plus, a bouncing play house? For a 12 year old?
I'm betting the stepkids are really young.
Making Calli have her stepsiblings tag along to every thing she does is a sure fine way to make her resent them.
Then again... wanna bet she'll be roped into being the babysitter for those kids asap?
Get those stepkids some aunts/uncles of their own to step up
I mean I never understand these situations when everyone approaches it as “all or nothing”.
Like..take Callie to the older-kid activities just the same. Maintain that bond.
And occasionally, take all the kids out for ice cream. Like why is that so terrible to consider?
Kids can easily understand “this is an older kid activity so you aren’t included”. It’s harder to understand “we are a family, but Aunt OP is totally disinterested”. And why *not* have an occasional outing with them since they’re now considered family?
It’s okay to admit that there is an existing and strong bond with Callie, while *also* entertaining the idea of creating *some* connection to her stepsiblings.
I guess that’s just too much nuance for Reddit
Yeah this is 100% the right answer. It's fine if OP wants to maintain a special bond with Callie, but the new family is trying to be a family and he should try to be more accepting of that.
That family can and should do that... themselves.
OP offered the stepkids could join, IF some other adult joins, to keep an eye on the kids around the dangerous toys. But nope... he was told to take them all to a bouncing play house instead, so... he could have a coffee with Callie and both babysit the stepkids, or something like that.
I see your point, but part of the issue is that the stepfamily isn't going anywhere and OP needs to adjust somewhat.
I think a partial solution is to hang out with Callie and her mom with the steps occassionally to all get to know each other better, then they won't be strangers. But I agree that OP doesn't have to change his special time with his niece and shouldn't feel obligated to babysit. I'm giving the mom and step-dad the benefit of the doubt that they sincerely want to encourage family bonding, not just looking to send the kids off for the day.
But hear this though.. why is the dad fine with his kids tagging along with a stranger and not be with him? The dad has the lids for the weekend only and if calli is out of the house for some hours doing w.e, then he gets to bond with his own children at his hoke if he wants. Yet he is fine with pushing the kids onto someone else? And what is he going to do in the time they were supoose to be with their dad?
Unless J is just making decisions for her husband and want to get some sexy time with him so her only option is get rid of all kids, but even then this still feel like the children are being neglected and being abondon as if they're unworthy and distraction. Nevertheless, this is not OPs problem.
You know, maybe just maybe op doesn't see those kids as family. The kids' dad seems ok with palming the kids off on others during his already limited time with them. What's up with that. Calli's mother is gonna ruin the relationship with her daughter by doing what step parents do and trying to force the blending.
I was a kid who saw my mom on weekends and was at my dads during the week. The amount of anger and resentment I had over not being allowed to see my friends any weekend was unreal. Even as an adult, I still can’t understand how it’s in any way fair for a child to not be allowed to see their friends sometimes on weekends because their parents didn’t work out. It’s not the kids fault that their parents didn’t work out. Seeing friends is so important for kids. Especially after everything that’s happened in the world and everyone being so isolated. It’s pretty selfish of a parent to not allow their kids to be kids with other kids tbh.
My dad was a weekend dad with half school holidays when I was 7 to 14 but for the first 2-3 years he would let me have sleep overs with my best friend, if I wasn't at her place she was at mine, BUT, that was because my mum had cancer and passed just before I turned 11, and my bestie wasa good distraction from what was going on with my mum and he just wanted to let me have some fun and normalcy during my childhood.
Once mum passed, however, it was expected that I was with my dad on dads time, and I didn't get any sleep overs until I moved in with my dad full time at 14.
That's not right either. I get the sentiment (I'm recently divorced), but I would never hold my kids back with their social environment when the are with me. Excesses excluded off course.
And does step kids bio mom take Callie out with them when they do fun things or go on vacation? Why is op the only one expected to take all the kids? NTA at all.
Because he wants a kid free house to sex up his wife most likely. Pretty shitty though, considering he only has them on weekends, he's losing what little time he has with them. Why doesn't he take them out and do cool stuff on his own?
I also suspect these kids are MUCH younger (bounce place instead of knives and axes? My 10yo can do ax throwing at the local place but younger than 10 can not).
Who wants to bet the REAL issue is that Calli acts a "babysitter" *cough* parenting *cough* those stepkids and is needed to control them...
Could be they want all the kids out of the house so they can have “couple time”. If that’s the case they should be finding someone who is willing to watch the kids for them though
>why is the new husband ready to pawn his kids off on other people
for the same reason he got married, to have someone else do the child care/rearing during the very infrequent moments that he has custody
Yup this. NTA and it’s sad that dad is so eager to have his kids away from him on the two days he actually gets to see them. As the former kid in that scenario- you’d better believe I remember how often my father chose to do something without us, on the weekends he had us. He would pawn us off on other family members and act like we should be so excited but really we just wanted to be a priority for him.
This^ is the real question! If their dad only gets the kids 2 days a week, he should be spending all that time with them, not pushing them on to other people. Their mom might as well just keep them 100% of the time if that's the case.
I also don't understand why the parents don't take those kids to do interesting things while Calli is with OP. Or they might even ask to join them, not fob on the kid on him.
Bcs the dad most likely is lazy and doesnt want to spend the time w them himself, bcs he needs time to do his hobby's or sum other bs when his kids show up in the weekends
You should marry a Filipina. 🤣
Every non-immediate family member (no matter the distance) who is 40 years or older than you is your Lola/Lolo (Grandparents).
Every family member who is 20 years or older than you is your Auntie/Uncle.
Every family member who is roughly your age give or take is your cousin.
Every family member who is 20 years younger than you is your niece/nephew.
Every family member who is 40 years younger than you is your apo (grandchild).
Took me years and years to somewhat figure out who was actually who in the family.
Mrs. Jack: She is my cousin...
Me: But who is she really?
Mrs. Jack with flat stare: I just told you, she is my cousin.
Me. Okay, then. Cousin she is.
Born into a family like that. Took my 20+ years to find out people who I were told were my cousins weren’t blood related to me lol. Love them the same but damn is it confusing sometimes
In order to work it out, you count the number of people in between the more 'senior' (not necessarily older!) person and the most recent common ancestor, and that's the first/second/third cousins bit; then you count the generations apart that the two people are to get the remove.
So if your grandfather is my great grandfather, there is one person between you and the common ancestor, and then we are one generation apart, so we are first cousins once removed.
If your 3xgreat grandmother is my great grandmother, we are 2nd cousins twice removed.
So your daughter and your cousin's daughter share great grandparents - there are 2 people between each if them and the common ancestor, so they are second cousins with no removes.
The cousin is asking for her husband because the OP is immediate family. I'm sure the husband complained to the wife as to why the kids cannot partake in Calli's fun because the stepkids were complaining to the dad.
Who says it's the husband who wants to pawn the kids off? It was J who asked/demanded that OP take the steps with he and Calli, not the step dad. So I see it as J wants them out of the house so she's freed up.
OP could invite them all out to the park or for ice cream but it shouldn't be expected to happen every time. This is a good time for J and her hubby to help the steps learn that they are not going to go along all the time and that's ok. The all or nothing that J threw out is ridiculous.
OP, J sounds not at all appreciative of all you've done for her. I would be really upset if I were you that now she's asking for MORE. She wants a day without all of the kids and an unpaid babysitter. Guess what? So do all of us, but that's not how life works.
Cousin and her hubby are really handling this badly. What are they going to do when his kids go on holiday with their mum’s family? Are they going to try force Calli to get invited too? Because she may be disappointed she’s missing out. How many times have we seen stories from blended families where attempts to forcefully include everyone backfires? Cousin and her hubby need to learn how to explain how blended families work or they risk alienating Calli.
Agree NTA but...
> Calli comes back from hanging out with me and the other kids get jealous
I know OP was joking about being a "bad influence" but it wouldn't be a bad idea to talk to Calli about this. 12 year olds can be mean as hell and not super empathetic. If she is bragging or rubbing her privilege to do these things with OP in her siblings faces that is an issue. If OP wants to continue having these outings I'd recommend she talk to Calli about this and make sure she's not feeding this jealousy directly in that way. No, she's not the parent but if that is the dynamic I could see Calli's mom stepping in and stopping these outings. If on the other hand Calli is not doing anything to exacerbate the issue with her siblings then, yeah, kids need to learn that not everything is fair.
Calli doesn't go to their mothers house. NTA
A conversation needs to be had with the kids about trips and expectations. However OP, of you take Callie somewhere and souvenirs are available i think it would be a sweet gesture if she chose (by simply asking) to bring them back something.
I take my niece out sometimes and the first time I told her a kind thing to do is pick up something for her big brothers and she does every time. They bring her back something from their trips too.
I think in this situation, it wouldn’t be seen as a kind gesture, but rather as rubbing their faces in it, like “Ooh look I’ve been to this place and you haven’t!”.
NTA. I don't get these people who constantly forces a relationship between people. If one party does not want it, it will be very obvious, especially to kids. This is not a promo, where you get a whole family pack for the price of one.
You want to spend your time with Calli, then you only need to take Calli. Especially now that she's a pre-teen and can actually decide if she wants to spend time with you or not. Even if you force yourself to include them, they'll probably feel worse because they'll see the closeness you and Calli has and know that they're not part of that bond.
Personally, I'd just be thankful that I have extended family taking care of Calli and loving her the way you do.
NTA if the dad has the kids only on the weekends, then he needs to spend time with them on the weekends and not dump them on you. Sounds like J and the new man in her life want kid free weekends and for you to foot the bill.
I'm surprised that J and the children's dad aren't taking them out for their own age-appropriate activities. That's just what you do with children on the weekend.
NTA. If it's causing problems then really, J and her husband should be handling those problems so that Calli doesn't suffer by losing her close relationship with you.
NTA. You already have an established bond with Calli. You shouldn't need to establish a new bond with every new person in Js life because she wants you too. She's not entitled to dictate your relationships.
NTA. I hate when people act like blending a family means that they can never do anything alone anymore. Imo Calli is allowed to get away from her step siblings if she wants to & it’s honestly probably a very healthy outlet for her given her mom’s attitude towards it. Plus its really unreasonable for her to expect you to do it alone. But this here is imo the important tidbit. She wants time to herself which is why she’s harping in this, I would bet it has nothing to with the other kids & everything to do with the fact that your time wiyh Calli is no longer a break for her.
Hah! J got herself into this sitch.
Why would she think that her cousin would come to her rescue again for children he doesn't know and who aren't related to him?
NAH I understand why you want to keep doing your thing but I also understand why your cousin wants her step kids included. It feels like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place.
There's clearly a noticeable age difference between the kids though, if your mom is suggesting a bouncy house while you're taking Calli to axe throwing. I'm sure Calli would feel punished if she got dragged to a bouncy house.
More likely the mom meant a bounce gym (such as SkyZone, etc.) instead of the kind you often see at school carnivals and birthday parties. Bounce gyms, also sometimes called trampoline parks, are normally designed to be enjoyed by people of all ages and will have age appropriate activities available.
Lol. I love your comment and agree with NTA.
Though J has married this guy, so I guess he's not just "fucking OP's cousin". It sounds like a committed relationship.
Though I still agree, OP isn't obligated to babysit for free.
NTA
Since Mr. Nice Guy only gets his kids on weekends, presumably his stepkids have relationships that Calli isn't a part of. I think it's okay for Calli to have relationships that the stepkids aren't a part of.
When Calli spends time with you, then the stepkids get more undivided attention from their Dad, right? Isn't that a good thing?
NTA. It’s your cousin responsibility to nurture the relationship between her child and her step children. I’ve been in your position. I helped and supported until a new guy moved in and was then cast as the villain because I didn’t treat him the same as I treated my cousin. Rinse and repeat.
I finally came to the realization that how I chose to spend my time and money is my right. As was her right to determine who/how people interacted with her child? I hope you are able to come to a compromise.
NTA. Does Calli go to her step-siblings' dad's house when they go? Why do they get time with their relatives without Calli, but Calli can't have time with her relatives without them?
Don't back down on this. There's enough of an age gap between Calli and her step-siblings that she'd always have to compromise to do something they can handle; it wouldn't go the other way.
Let Calli know that you have her back, and when she's 18 and wants to move as far away from her mom, step-dad, and step-siblings, she can move in with you. Because if this is any hint of how her mom is going to favor the step-siblings, then she'll end up hating her after another 6 years.
That’s a pretty big age difference it’s unfair after so many years of Calli getting that special one on one time to not only suddenly have the step sibs along but all activities have to cater to being appropriate for them.
Why would you take kids that young to things you would take a 12 year old to?
Their age gaps are not going to make it possible to meet the interests of all parties involved.
Before long Calli is going to be a teenager, does your mom think it would be okay to force Calli to go to a bounce house then?
Explain to the other adults that the difference in the age groups don't allow for many if any activities that are both age appropriate and enjoyable for all involved.
NTA
It is not your responsibility to teach J's step children that life is not fair, and sometimes you don't get to do things other people are doing. It is also pretty fucked up that J is willing to cause damage to their own daughter for the sake of the step children by saying it is all kids or nothing.
NTA - the kids are your sister's step children. If you do not acknowledge them as your nieces/nephews, that is up to you - you are under no obligation to entertain them. However, be advised that your sister may start restricting your time with Calli, even if it upsets her daughter.
NTA
Your sister chose to marry a man with two children. When they are in her house she needs to treat them (age-appropriately) equally to her child.
You have a strong pre-existing bond with Calli and Calli alone. Enjoy it.
If your cousin is upset because her stepkids feel like they are missing out, then your cousin can take them out herself.
You are correct, you don't. It's the age-old "we're all one family, you have to treat all the kids the same!" crap. But Calli is your second cousin you're close to since birth, and the others are your cousin's stepkids he only gets on weekends anyway, and they have nothing to do with you. J and your mom can do as many activities with Calli and the stepkids together as they like (not to mention their dad can). NTA
Sigh. Why do so many people think when they get married all the children become some weird sort of conjoined entity?
They're individuals, they can be treated individually. Obviously don't blatantly neglect one for another. But at what point do parents just teach their kids that everything isn't for everybody, and how to deal? Cause guess what, in the "real world" you don't get everything you want just cause you want it.
Calli's relationship w you shouldn't have to suffer from forced togetherness. And if it *does*, well imagine how happy Calli will be with her mom, step-dad, and step-sibs.
NTA
NTA. If Calli is 12 and the step kids are young enough for a bouncy castle it isn't the same thing at all. They are way too young for the things that OP and Calli are doing. All J is going to do is make Calls resent the young ones. If J wants some time she should hire a babysitter because OP and her mom aren't up for it.
NTA her saying you're missing the point is almost comedic, it was and still is your decision who you spend your time and money on, you do this because you have a connection with her not just because they're your cousins kid, the other kids need to understand that they can't always have the things they want, so does the cousin, she can't just expect you to do these things. She basically wants you to be a free babysitter and is taking away something meaningful from her daughter if you don't comply and after everything you've done for her, that is entirely disrespectful.
NTA.
The step kids have a side of their family that isn't Calli's. Does she go with them when they are with their bio mom's family? I doubt it. If Calli having a relationship with her cousin, is causing tension with the step kids, it's step mom and dad's responsibility to explain the blended family dynamic to the step kids, not punish Calli. And if that fails, explaining that their step sister is allowed to have friends/experiences that don't include them, just as they'll eventually go out into the world and do their thing too. That's life and it's the parent's job-not to enable or try to make it fair- but to teach their kids to accept what is and to work within the parameters of what is available to them. Calli shouldn't have to lose time with her family member because of her step siblings. That's a sure fire way to ensure Calli becomes resentful of her entire immediate (step) family.
>I said she could take the kids there while Calli and I did our thing
Heh. This is The Way.
>She said I was missing the point.
Of \*course\* she did.
It sounds like J, whom you and her half-brother directly supported as you were able when you were young adults yourselves -- when perhaps adults in the family didn't? Well, J needs to now do that part of step-parenting which involves guiding her step-kids to a place where they understand some things are not their things and some relationships they do not have automatic access to. \*She\* has to navigate getting them to understand why Calli's relationship / time spent with you is different.
(Assuming you're not being overtly mean to the step-kids.)
NTA
Nta. I think they are the ones missing the point. Her husband as custody of his kids during the weekend. If anyone needs to step up and take them places and do fun things with them it’s him. If he doesn’t want too then he should just give their mom full custody. Besides I don’t think their mom will be happy is she knew he gets to see them two days a week and instead of him doing something with them a person she probably doesn’t know is watching them.
NTA - I am so tired of people who choose to have step kids expecting their family to just accept the steps as if they are their own.
Her step children are not your responsibility.
You don’t owe them a relationship.
If your cousin tries to stop you seeing Calli make sure Calli knows it’s not your choice.
There is a thing called Grandparents Rights I’m not sure if you could use something like that if she tries to stop you seeing Calli.
Make your cousin realise that if she does try to stop it it will only cause Calli to hate her step siblings.
NTA - unless J consulted you before getting into a relationship with this guy and his baggage and asked for your permission, then you have no ties or obligation to anyone other than Calli.
NTA… and it’s insane for your cousin to ask that you watch her step kids. Looking after 3 kids is no small task! Why doesn’t she use that time to build a bond with her step children? Sounds like she just wants to pawn off the kids on you because she can’t figure out how to manage her step kids.
Shame on their dad for not spending time with his kids-he only has them 2 days a week and he can take them places while you have Calli. Calli needs this one on one time with you so don’t stop. And you handled your mother perfectly. NTA
NTA
Why should Calli go from throwing axes to hanging at a bouncy house because you have the little kids.
Your sis wants a free babysitter.
Stick with Calli. I believe she needs that one on one time as I bet $50 she is looking after those little kids at home
>J. Met a nice guy and married him two years ago. He has two kids from a previous relationship that he gets on the weekends.
Seems like a perfect chance for "nice guy" to spend some time alone with his kids.
Seriously, he only gets his kids two days a week and he wants to ship them off with his wifes cousin?
>Calli comes back from hanging out with me and the other kids get jealous
Why aren't J and nice guy Dad doing stuff with the other two that they'd enjoy?
Bouncy house? So they're little kids? Of course they're going to be jealous, she's doing things they can't do for a few more years! If you take all of them and do things for the little kid Callie will be bored! Why would you waste your visit at a bouncy house? Sounds like you mom is volunteering to take all of them and you should tell J that your mom said that! That's great! ha ha ha!
Se only wants free babysitting. Tell her NO and she's a horrible mom if she would not let her daughter hang out with her relatives because the step kids aren't invited! Do the step kids come and get Callie whenever they go somewhere with people from their moms family? No? Then there's her answer! She's acting like she's entitled to you babysitting for free. That's BS NTA
You're NTA.
>J. says that I'm creating a schism between her kids because Calli comes back from hanging out with me and the other kids get jealous.
Then maybe J and her husband need to devote some of *their* time interacting with the children they see 2 days a week, and create somr special events and memories.
Things don't always seem fair. Not everyone gets to be included in every activity. Don't those younger children do things with their mom and that side of the family? Things Calli doesn't get to do? That's life.
Rather than foisting the kids off on you, J and her husband need to handle this themselves.
NTA. A 12 year old should have activities that do not involve bouncy-house-aged children. Both parents should be eternally grateful that an almost teenager has another loving adult participating with positive activities. Sure, it would be great if eventually you spend some time with all the kids, but you don't owe them anything. I suggest a movie night at their home while the parents go out. You & your brother have already gone above and beyond what any cousins would do.
Edit: *her* half brother
NTA. Does Calli get to do whatever the kids do with their mom? Probably not. You invited her to come and bring the other kids, so she clearly isn't really worried about the kids, she just wants kid free time with a free babysitter bc they have the kids every weekend.
Your time with your cousin is precious.
Suggest to her mother that it’s her responsibility to create quality time and memories with her step children. She should do something with them. I’m sure they have family on her new husband’s side as well.
It sounds to me like she just wants to get all the kids out of her hair and wants you to take on that responsibility. Just say no. . NTA
NTA!! if your cousin (or I suspect it’s really they’re dad upset about it) is that worried why don’t they take the step kids out to do something while Calli gets time with you? She shouldn’t have to loose out on your special time just because mom married someone with kids, plus your cousin should remind herself of everything you have done for her & her daughter out of kindness and appreciate it not except you to take on more kids that you have expressed you have no desire to take (and that is your right)
NTA
This is an excellent opportunity for them to understand that they can't have everything they want. Time for them to start understanding the word NO.
You have known your niece her whole life. Of course, the relationship you have with her is going to be different. They can't expect to dove right into a relationship.
NTA, this family is far enough from you for them not being your responsability in any way, you have a bond with Calli bc u want, u shouldn't be forced a relationship with the others
NTA. Part time dad can do something with his kids on the weekend whilst you hang with Calli. I disagree that stepsiblings mean everyone comes as a package deal from here on in. How old are these kids that your mum wanted to take them to a bouncey castle?
NTA
But "J. Met a nice guy " and "Lately J. has been asking me to take out her stepkids when I take Calli out" don't really fit together. He "gets \[his kids\] on the weekends" but is okay with you taking them for most of the few days he has his kids?
Press \[X\] to Doubt he is a good father.
NTA. You have a long relationship with Calli and none with her stepsiblings. Calli could use one on one attention. J can handle the jealousy differently. Her stepchildren are old enough to understand family dynamics. Refuse to discuss it anymore.
NTA you’re not J’s sibling or the likes, you’re her cousin and calli is your second cousin, her step children aren’t related to you on a family basis, I’m very much the same with my own second cousins who have step siblings.
>I don't really know those kids and I don't really want to be responsible for them.
That isn't the only worry...the other worry is, where the heck is the hubby's uncles/aunts to spoil THOSE kids?
Don’t accept if anything happens to them while you are out with them you will be blamed. The kids are 8&6 and see their father only on weekends he should step up and be a father.
NTA especially as you said the step kids are welcome to come along if the parents come to keep an eye of them so you aren't left footing the bill and the responsibility for 3 kids instead of 1 teenager.
It's super odd that the dad is trying to palm his kids off on you instead of being happy to go along too. It would be such a nice bonding moment for everyone but seems like he just wants a babysitter even though he only sees them at the weekend!
NTA. You should tell her that she should be using that time to do fun things with her step kids. All the kids need to understand they don’t get invited to everything.
Nta.
When an adult enters into a serious relationship with another adult who has children - that person is agreeing to take on a step parent role and has an obligation to treat those children equally as they do their own. They take on that responsibility willingly. But that does not obligate anyone else in their lives to do the same. Your cousin has decided to expand her family to include her step children. That is great. It did not automatically make you care about her step children the way you do the little cousin you watched grow up. Your cousin needs to understand that her decision does not change your feelings or obligate you to take care of her step kids.
NTA
J’s step kids are there on the weekends to spend time with THEIR FATHER. And just because there are 3 children in the same house doesn’t mean they all get to have the same experiences with other people.
If he doesn’t want to spend time with them then he should work with his ex wife to request whatever weekends he is not wanting to interact with them.
Or he should make arrangements to take his kids places like hiking or whatever age appropriate activities they enjoy.
Worst case he can ask his now wife J to care for them.
You are not responsible for entertaining J’s step kids.
I suspect she will have a fight on her hands if she tries to prevent her daughter from spending time with you. Or worse if she and her husband start leaving Calli at home while J, his children and her husband go out as an effort to make up for her visits with you.
You might consider giving Calli some advice to tone down her discussing your outings with her stepfather’s children.
NTA. I hate when people do this. Cousin and her husband need to take the other kids out. It’s not your responsibility nor are you related to them or even know them that well
NTA and lolol she only gets the step kids on the weekends and already they want to offload onto you? They only have 48hrs with the dad.
Also tell your cousin that the step-kids have a bio mother and father both present in their life - they get to see their dad 2 days a week - whereas Calli I am assuming doesnt and lives full time with her mother? To make things equal then the step-kids should stop coming to see their dad or Callli will get jealous........
I'm wondering, does the stepkids' mother take Calli out when she has her kids? If not, then Calli is missing out on things the other kids do. Therefore, it should be acceptable for Calli to do things with her family members, which the other kids do not.
NTA
>Calli comes back from hanging out with me and the other kids get jealous
>She says I should take all the kids or stop doing stuff with Calli.
So...your cousin's solution to her stepkids getting jealous of what her daughter is doing with you is to either punish her daughter by not allowing her to go, or force you to take out kids that aren't anything to do with you? And nowhere in her brain does it say 'hmm, maybe my husband and I should be doing more interesting things with the kids'?
You are not free entertainment for her husband's children. You are not responsible for taking care of his children.
NTA. You don't really know them. Plus I'm sure their mom wouldn't be too happy to hear that his new wifey made/ let them go with a relative the mom doesn't know, instead of spending time with their dad on "his weekend"
Nta, you were only asked to watch after Calli. Not the step kids. She threw the step kids on you without you knowing them very well. Why can't her husbands family watch them in the first place? It's not your job to watch all of them.
NTA - there's a huge ass difference between hanging out with one near-teenager and adding an extra two children to the mix. Especially when the point of the outings is for you to spend time with Callie, but then the age of the youngest child has to then dictate how you spend that time.
Blended families mean that there will de facto be differences in experiences between different households and different family configurations.
It's not up to you to make things equal for all the kids. It's up to them to manage the expectations of the children about how life works.
It’s not the greatest situation to be in and I feel for the kids but you have no responsibility towards those kids. Your bond and relationship is with your little cousin. Your older cousin is the one that signed up to be those children’s step mother but that responsibility doesn’t spread onto you as a cousin. It’s also barely been two years.
NTA. Even if you’re blood-related to them, it’s still your choice to take them out or not. Your bond with Calli is special cause you chose to help her mom out when you’re so young yourself. The step kids don’t have that or any bonds with you. It’s J and her husband’s job to explain to that two kids why you take Calli out and not them.
NTA. This sounds like a great opportunity for the dad to spend time with his bio kids. If he only sees them on the weekends that’s not much time, he should be taking them to fun activities which would prevent them from being jealous.
Offer to take the new stepdad with you instead of his kids - see if he really wants them learning how to shoot and throw axes and stars! Then tell him to get your cousin to stop pushing you to take his kids too so SHE gets the day off!!! NTA
NTA. The kids needs to understand that they can’t be involved in everything. You’ve been doing this since calli was born, why should you alter it for step kids. Let the dad take them out
NTA. Why should Calli lose out on her fun outings just because her mother got married? And your mother suggests you go to some kind of ‘bouncy play area’ instead of the things you normally do? Ridiculous. Also a great way to make Calli resent the other kids.
NTA. You've established this special time with Calli and aren't obligated to include J's new stepchildren. If Calli was ok with the idea, maybe it'd be different. It's not fair to punish Calli by stopping the outings just because the stepchildren aren't being taught how to deal with disappointment and jealousy.
NTA. Your cousin’s step kids are not your responsibility. I can’t see it going well for her if she refuses to let you take out Calli solo. Also who takes a 12 year old to a bouncy play area.
NTA
I'm assuming the steps are younger than Calli, cos unless it's one of those assault course bouncy places, not many 12yr olds are going to be interested in a bouncy play area when they are used to doing things like axe throwing. Forcing you to take them will only make the kids resent each other more, and Calli resent her mum.
Plus, her husband is only with his kids on a weekend. He should be taking them out and doing something with them on the 2 days he has them, not looking to pawn them off for half his custody time.
NTA, her husband only has his kids on the weekend, so when you take Calli out, he should be spending time with his kids & taking them out himself, not palming them off on you.
Sounds like she wants a free babysitter so her and step-kids dad can have a kid free weekend. Why do some step parents try and shoe horn kids into their own kids family? When you become a blended family you have to realize those kids had an entire life up to that point that you can’t just jump into. It’s easier just to demand rather than do the actual work of sitting the kids down and explaining the situation.
So when Calli goes out and does fun things with friends, does she have to take her step siblings? That’s silly. Of course you can continue to have a relationship with your younger cousin. Take them all or take none is a ridiculous request. NTA.
NTA. The step-kids are jealous of the fact that you take Callie out to do things, but that's not on you. J & her husband are the parents here & they have to teach those kids that "inclusion doesn't always apply." Your mom taking the kids while you take Callie is a fair compromise. And J threatening your relationship with Callie is an asshole move. Has Callie asked about including her step-siblings? If not, tell J that & you won't be bullied to take the kids.
NTA.
could you do something during the week with Callie, Maybe on a day that Callie doesn’t have a lot of homework , since step kids are at their moms home during the week?
Limit the weekend trips with Calli to once a month or so, that way the new blended family can do stuff together on the weekends without involving you. Let J and her husband take all the kids out together as a family.
Also by the reference that your mom asked to take to bounce house it means the step kids are very young, when there’s such an age gap Callie actually needs fun time which is age approximately for her.
Tell J that when you take Callie out she and hubby can take her own step kids somewhere and actually bond with them, since they only see them on the weekend.
Honestly this feels more like the newly wed couple wants time alone and are trying to pawn off the kids on you.
From the way he describes his relationship with calli they sound like a big brother and lil sister and she shouldn’t have to share a bond that she had before the step kids were involved and honestly the only reason they sound jealous is because the dad isn’t doing anything with them
NTA. My brother has a different dad than me. My mom remarried. When my brother used to go to his bio's dad house or get invited to events with that side of his family, I wasn't invited. I wasn't jealous. It's just one of those things you learn to accept.
Nta. Cousin and new hubby don't get to force you to be their babysitter. If the other kids are jealous they can take them out for special time while Callie is with you instead of trying to teach their children that everyone needs to cater to their jealousies. Children are capable of learning that they aren't entitled to be invited by everyone and siblings/stepsiblings/family can have personal relationships/friendships separate from them.
NTA
They have a family. Calli has a family. Who cares if they’re jealous? They can make arrangements with their moms side of the family. They aren’t your nieces and nephews. Someone needs to teach them that they aren’t entitled to anything and sometimes what they consider fair just ain’t happening.
NTA
Kids jealous? Have those kids make their own case for being taken along. What does their father think?
This is, however, not a straightforward asshole test. There is no worse age than being a 12 year old girl and the sort of bond and consistent outlet that you give her is vital and needs to be protected. And it seems to be really good for you, too. I suggest that you try to put a lid on the language and work this as diplomatically as you can.
NTA This is J and her husband’s problem to fix not yours. Life in a blended family is not fair and equal. The parents have different resources and there are a lot of relatives involved that the kids don’t share. There is nothing stopping J and her husband from doing something special with the step kids when you are with Callie to make up for it.
NTA you have a relationship with Callie. You should try to be a positive influence and teach her to be respectful of her parents because this will benefit her future more. However you are not obligated to treat everyone the same. Your suggestion of meeting up after they do different (age appropriate) events was a good idea.
NTA
I am in a blended family and my sisters or parents will often take my Son out for the day. My Stepchildren get taken out by their aunts and grandparents
NTA
You have a bond with your young cousin which has developed over 12 years. You have no bond with the new stepchildren. Morevover I assume they have relatives on their parents' side who do things just for them. In blended families it's the parents' job to explain.
NTA. J. should find alternative activities that do not invole you and Calli on those weekends. Their upbringing and entertainment are not your concern or responsibility. Your cousin forcing them upon you is very ungrateful for all you're already doing from her end.
NTA, those are typical dynamic issues in patchwork families and it's the PARENTS' task to manage emotions and relationships between the step-siblings, not yours. Patchwork is best done if it's a mix between blending and separate. THEY need to treat the kids equal, outsiders of the nuclear family do not.
NTA if it felt natural for you to build a bond with them as well that would be fine but equally fine that you don’t feel the need to. You cousin choose her husband and his kids to be a part of her life. You have the right to choose who is a part of yours. It always amazes me when family side with the other person instead of offering to do it themselves if it’s so necessary. If your mom is so worried about their jealousy and feeling getting hurt she should take them out to bouncy places when you take Calli out otherwise she should keep her opinions to herself.
NTA
You didn't mention the age of the other kids but either way, your time with Calli is your time with her. Kids need to learn that some things are done apart from one another. No big deal but of course the mom is too stupid to do so (she just wants a free babysitter so she has a whole day off herself) the kids won't learn an important life lesson. sigh. Don't give in to her demands!
Nta- you shouldn’t it would be the same concept as if you were her dad since they have different fathers. She wouldn’t expect calli father to take the other children. Instead she should simply take the other children out, or their father can
NTA, if the stepkids have little time with dad, dad should do something fun with them. Also, you are her uncle. Maybe the siblings of dad can take the other kids.
NTA. You have a relationship with calli she and you like the same things and spending time with her is not a chore. But it would be to take those other 2 and have to do childish things neither you nor Calli want to do. I’d be clear with your cousin that her daughter will not thank her for this. Does her husbands family do stuff with his kids I’m betting they do.
Those kids go back to their mothers monday to Friday. How does that create less of a chism between them than you doing things with Callie? Surely, as a part-time father, he can use those weekends to spend some quality time with his kids!
NTA. You have know Calli since she was born and your relationship with her is very different than with the other kids. I am from a blended family and I as a kid, got used to it that since me and my stepsiblings had different parents and relatives, we don't always get the same things. My stepsister would brag me about getting new jeans and school supplies, while I could tell her that our family is going for a vacation next winter or that I am going for horse riding lesson because my uncle paid for it, while she would tell me her aunt gave her bunch of her old toys that are worth a lot of money.
You don't need to take responsibility of any other kids that Calli if you don't want to, and it's good for the stepkids to also learn that not everyone gets the same things - since you have different family and relatives. It would have been ridiculous for my stepmom to buy me stuff too, just because she got something for her daughter and it would have been ridiculous if my aunt would've had to take my stepsister with us when we went to do something fun, because they don't even know each other! I would also feel uncomfortable as Calli in this situation, because she needs to be the one to "connect" you and the other kids, and she would probably worry about you getting along nicely rather than spending quality time with you!
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NTA, you have a special bond with Calli, not with her step kids. Kids need to learn to manage disappointment and this is a great opportunity for them to get some practice in. Not everything in life is fair and equal, and that can be painful to accept, but it is also a reality that we must accept in life.
The kids have barely been step-niblings for two years. And the dad only gets them on weekends. So why is the new husband ready to pawn his kids off on other people the two days he gets them? Dude's already just the weekend dad. If Calli wants the step siblings to join, she's the one that has to ask OP. Otherwise the dad needs to figure shit out.
Hmmm I hadn’t thought of that. It’s true. Why is he ok with losing time with his kids
I’m wondering the same thing. My parents lived states away so I only ever saw my dad over the summer, but my friends who had divorced parents were *never* allowed to do anything on the weekends. Their dads wanted the time with them because that’s all they’d get.
NTA, this is between the people who have custody to treat their children right i.e the sis's husband and the husband's ex. Calli is becoming a teen and not allowed is the first thing she is going to rebel against and that is going to leave the relationship between Callie and her mother in tatters even though Callie's mother has every legal right to refuse
NTA Plus, a bouncing play house? For a 12 year old? I'm betting the stepkids are really young. Making Calli have her stepsiblings tag along to every thing she does is a sure fine way to make her resent them. Then again... wanna bet she'll be roped into being the babysitter for those kids asap? Get those stepkids some aunts/uncles of their own to step up
I mean I never understand these situations when everyone approaches it as “all or nothing”. Like..take Callie to the older-kid activities just the same. Maintain that bond. And occasionally, take all the kids out for ice cream. Like why is that so terrible to consider? Kids can easily understand “this is an older kid activity so you aren’t included”. It’s harder to understand “we are a family, but Aunt OP is totally disinterested”. And why *not* have an occasional outing with them since they’re now considered family? It’s okay to admit that there is an existing and strong bond with Callie, while *also* entertaining the idea of creating *some* connection to her stepsiblings. I guess that’s just too much nuance for Reddit
Yeah this is 100% the right answer. It's fine if OP wants to maintain a special bond with Callie, but the new family is trying to be a family and he should try to be more accepting of that.
That family can and should do that... themselves. OP offered the stepkids could join, IF some other adult joins, to keep an eye on the kids around the dangerous toys. But nope... he was told to take them all to a bouncing play house instead, so... he could have a coffee with Callie and both babysit the stepkids, or something like that.
Yep! They misstepped. Doesn’t mean there isn’t another solution :)
I see your point, but part of the issue is that the stepfamily isn't going anywhere and OP needs to adjust somewhat. I think a partial solution is to hang out with Callie and her mom with the steps occassionally to all get to know each other better, then they won't be strangers. But I agree that OP doesn't have to change his special time with his niece and shouldn't feel obligated to babysit. I'm giving the mom and step-dad the benefit of the doubt that they sincerely want to encourage family bonding, not just looking to send the kids off for the day.
But hear this though.. why is the dad fine with his kids tagging along with a stranger and not be with him? The dad has the lids for the weekend only and if calli is out of the house for some hours doing w.e, then he gets to bond with his own children at his hoke if he wants. Yet he is fine with pushing the kids onto someone else? And what is he going to do in the time they were supoose to be with their dad? Unless J is just making decisions for her husband and want to get some sexy time with him so her only option is get rid of all kids, but even then this still feel like the children are being neglected and being abondon as if they're unworthy and distraction. Nevertheless, this is not OPs problem.
I wonder if step-dad's family ever takes out just his kids, and if they are being pressured to take out Calli at the same time, to make it fair.
You know, maybe just maybe op doesn't see those kids as family. The kids' dad seems ok with palming the kids off on others during his already limited time with them. What's up with that. Calli's mother is gonna ruin the relationship with her daughter by doing what step parents do and trying to force the blending.
I was a kid who saw my mom on weekends and was at my dads during the week. The amount of anger and resentment I had over not being allowed to see my friends any weekend was unreal. Even as an adult, I still can’t understand how it’s in any way fair for a child to not be allowed to see their friends sometimes on weekends because their parents didn’t work out. It’s not the kids fault that their parents didn’t work out. Seeing friends is so important for kids. Especially after everything that’s happened in the world and everyone being so isolated. It’s pretty selfish of a parent to not allow their kids to be kids with other kids tbh.
My dad was a weekend dad with half school holidays when I was 7 to 14 but for the first 2-3 years he would let me have sleep overs with my best friend, if I wasn't at her place she was at mine, BUT, that was because my mum had cancer and passed just before I turned 11, and my bestie wasa good distraction from what was going on with my mum and he just wanted to let me have some fun and normalcy during my childhood. Once mum passed, however, it was expected that I was with my dad on dads time, and I didn't get any sleep overs until I moved in with my dad full time at 14.
That's not right either. I get the sentiment (I'm recently divorced), but I would never hold my kids back with their social environment when the are with me. Excesses excluded off course.
And does step kids bio mom take Callie out with them when they do fun things or go on vacation? Why is op the only one expected to take all the kids? NTA at all.
Exactly he should be using his parenting time to take his own kids to a bouncy castle and not expect a free babysitter. He needs to parent.
Dad just wants a free babysitter..
Grown up bonding time with no kids in the house?
That's what paid babysitters are for.
100% agree.
He may not be. Stepmom may want them pawned off.
Because he wants a kid free house to sex up his wife most likely. Pretty shitty though, considering he only has them on weekends, he's losing what little time he has with them. Why doesn't he take them out and do cool stuff on his own?
In my experience, dads that only get weekends have more than proven they're not interested in being parents.
I also suspect these kids are MUCH younger (bounce place instead of knives and axes? My 10yo can do ax throwing at the local place but younger than 10 can not). Who wants to bet the REAL issue is that Calli acts a "babysitter" *cough* parenting *cough* those stepkids and is needed to control them...
Could be they want all the kids out of the house so they can have “couple time”. If that’s the case they should be finding someone who is willing to watch the kids for them though
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I’m not on their side on this I just think that’s probably their reasoning. I’ve seen parents act this way before
That’s even worse. Wow. Dude should be planning stuff for his kids for those two days. Those poor kids
>why is the new husband ready to pawn his kids off on other people for the same reason he got married, to have someone else do the child care/rearing during the very infrequent moments that he has custody
Yup this. NTA and it’s sad that dad is so eager to have his kids away from him on the two days he actually gets to see them. As the former kid in that scenario- you’d better believe I remember how often my father chose to do something without us, on the weekends he had us. He would pawn us off on other family members and act like we should be so excited but really we just wanted to be a priority for him.
This^ is the real question! If their dad only gets the kids 2 days a week, he should be spending all that time with them, not pushing them on to other people. Their mom might as well just keep them 100% of the time if that's the case.
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I also don't understand why the parents don't take those kids to do interesting things while Calli is with OP. Or they might even ask to join them, not fob on the kid on him.
Ummmm - I read that the cousin, J, wanted them to take the stepsiblings, not the dad. Bet the dad knows nothing about this.
Bcs the dad most likely is lazy and doesnt want to spend the time w them himself, bcs he needs time to do his hobby's or sum other bs when his kids show up in the weekends
Not even, 2nd cousins!
First cousin once removed is the correct term
Exactly! Everyone's eyes usually glaze over when I start explaining how cousins work, lol.
You should marry a Filipina. 🤣 Every non-immediate family member (no matter the distance) who is 40 years or older than you is your Lola/Lolo (Grandparents). Every family member who is 20 years or older than you is your Auntie/Uncle. Every family member who is roughly your age give or take is your cousin. Every family member who is 20 years younger than you is your niece/nephew. Every family member who is 40 years younger than you is your apo (grandchild). Took me years and years to somewhat figure out who was actually who in the family. Mrs. Jack: She is my cousin... Me: But who is she really? Mrs. Jack with flat stare: I just told you, she is my cousin. Me. Okay, then. Cousin she is.
Born into a family like that. Took my 20+ years to find out people who I were told were my cousins weren’t blood related to me lol. Love them the same but damn is it confusing sometimes
what would my cousin’s daughter be to my daughter?
They'd be second cousins.
In order to work it out, you count the number of people in between the more 'senior' (not necessarily older!) person and the most recent common ancestor, and that's the first/second/third cousins bit; then you count the generations apart that the two people are to get the remove. So if your grandfather is my great grandfather, there is one person between you and the common ancestor, and then we are one generation apart, so we are first cousins once removed. If your 3xgreat grandmother is my great grandmother, we are 2nd cousins twice removed. So your daughter and your cousin's daughter share great grandparents - there are 2 people between each if them and the common ancestor, so they are second cousins with no removes.
Agreed. Additionally, why should Calli have to give up something that is special to her just because of lazy parenting?
Dad isn't asking for her to take the step niblings...their step mom is
The cousin is asking for her husband because the OP is immediate family. I'm sure the husband complained to the wife as to why the kids cannot partake in Calli's fun because the stepkids were complaining to the dad.
Who says it's the husband who wants to pawn the kids off? It was J who asked/demanded that OP take the steps with he and Calli, not the step dad. So I see it as J wants them out of the house so she's freed up. OP could invite them all out to the park or for ice cream but it shouldn't be expected to happen every time. This is a good time for J and her hubby to help the steps learn that they are not going to go along all the time and that's ok. The all or nothing that J threw out is ridiculous.
Yeah, so much for her meeting a "nice" guy. Why can't the dad take his own kids on equally fun times when op has Callie?
OP, J sounds not at all appreciative of all you've done for her. I would be really upset if I were you that now she's asking for MORE. She wants a day without all of the kids and an unpaid babysitter. Guess what? So do all of us, but that's not how life works.
Cousin and her hubby are really handling this badly. What are they going to do when his kids go on holiday with their mum’s family? Are they going to try force Calli to get invited too? Because she may be disappointed she’s missing out. How many times have we seen stories from blended families where attempts to forcefully include everyone backfires? Cousin and her hubby need to learn how to explain how blended families work or they risk alienating Calli.
Agree NTA but... > Calli comes back from hanging out with me and the other kids get jealous I know OP was joking about being a "bad influence" but it wouldn't be a bad idea to talk to Calli about this. 12 year olds can be mean as hell and not super empathetic. If she is bragging or rubbing her privilege to do these things with OP in her siblings faces that is an issue. If OP wants to continue having these outings I'd recommend she talk to Calli about this and make sure she's not feeding this jealousy directly in that way. No, she's not the parent but if that is the dynamic I could see Calli's mom stepping in and stopping these outings. If on the other hand Calli is not doing anything to exacerbate the issue with her siblings then, yeah, kids need to learn that not everything is fair.
Calli doesn't go to their mothers house. NTA A conversation needs to be had with the kids about trips and expectations. However OP, of you take Callie somewhere and souvenirs are available i think it would be a sweet gesture if she chose (by simply asking) to bring them back something. I take my niece out sometimes and the first time I told her a kind thing to do is pick up something for her big brothers and she does every time. They bring her back something from their trips too.
I think in this situation, it wouldn’t be seen as a kind gesture, but rather as rubbing their faces in it, like “Ooh look I’ve been to this place and you haven’t!”.
NTA. I don't get these people who constantly forces a relationship between people. If one party does not want it, it will be very obvious, especially to kids. This is not a promo, where you get a whole family pack for the price of one. You want to spend your time with Calli, then you only need to take Calli. Especially now that she's a pre-teen and can actually decide if she wants to spend time with you or not. Even if you force yourself to include them, they'll probably feel worse because they'll see the closeness you and Calli has and know that they're not part of that bond. Personally, I'd just be thankful that I have extended family taking care of Calli and loving her the way you do.
NTA if the dad has the kids only on the weekends, then he needs to spend time with them on the weekends and not dump them on you. Sounds like J and the new man in her life want kid free weekends and for you to foot the bill.
I'm surprised that J and the children's dad aren't taking them out for their own age-appropriate activities. That's just what you do with children on the weekend.
NTA. If it's causing problems then really, J and her husband should be handling those problems so that Calli doesn't suffer by losing her close relationship with you.
NTA. You already have an established bond with Calli. You shouldn't need to establish a new bond with every new person in Js life because she wants you too. She's not entitled to dictate your relationships.
NTA. I hate when people act like blending a family means that they can never do anything alone anymore. Imo Calli is allowed to get away from her step siblings if she wants to & it’s honestly probably a very healthy outlet for her given her mom’s attitude towards it. Plus its really unreasonable for her to expect you to do it alone. But this here is imo the important tidbit. She wants time to herself which is why she’s harping in this, I would bet it has nothing to with the other kids & everything to do with the fact that your time wiyh Calli is no longer a break for her.
Yep, I haven't spent 1 on 1 time with my Dad since he remarried. The new wife never lets him out of her sight.
So sorry …It’s hard when you lose that direct relationship .
Hah! J got herself into this sitch. Why would she think that her cousin would come to her rescue again for children he doesn't know and who aren't related to him?
NTA. Does your cousins husband's family take Calli when they take his kids? I'm guessing not. They have their own family
NAH I understand why you want to keep doing your thing but I also understand why your cousin wants her step kids included. It feels like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. There's clearly a noticeable age difference between the kids though, if your mom is suggesting a bouncy house while you're taking Calli to axe throwing. I'm sure Calli would feel punished if she got dragged to a bouncy house.
More likely the mom meant a bounce gym (such as SkyZone, etc.) instead of the kind you often see at school carnivals and birthday parties. Bounce gyms, also sometimes called trampoline parks, are normally designed to be enjoyed by people of all ages and will have age appropriate activities available.
NTA. You're not obligated to babysit some dude's kids for free just because he's fucking your cousin.
Lol. I love your comment and agree with NTA. Though J has married this guy, so I guess he's not just "fucking OP's cousin". It sounds like a committed relationship. Though I still agree, OP isn't obligated to babysit for free.
NTA Since Mr. Nice Guy only gets his kids on weekends, presumably his stepkids have relationships that Calli isn't a part of. I think it's okay for Calli to have relationships that the stepkids aren't a part of. When Calli spends time with you, then the stepkids get more undivided attention from their Dad, right? Isn't that a good thing?
exactly
NTA. It’s your cousin responsibility to nurture the relationship between her child and her step children. I’ve been in your position. I helped and supported until a new guy moved in and was then cast as the villain because I didn’t treat him the same as I treated my cousin. Rinse and repeat. I finally came to the realization that how I chose to spend my time and money is my right. As was her right to determine who/how people interacted with her child? I hope you are able to come to a compromise.
Info: how old are your step cousins? They sound very young if your mother is suggesting a bouncy play area.
I believe they are 8 and 6.
NTA. Does Calli go to her step-siblings' dad's house when they go? Why do they get time with their relatives without Calli, but Calli can't have time with her relatives without them? Don't back down on this. There's enough of an age gap between Calli and her step-siblings that she'd always have to compromise to do something they can handle; it wouldn't go the other way. Let Calli know that you have her back, and when she's 18 and wants to move as far away from her mom, step-dad, and step-siblings, she can move in with you. Because if this is any hint of how her mom is going to favor the step-siblings, then she'll end up hating her after another 6 years.
That’s a pretty big age difference it’s unfair after so many years of Calli getting that special one on one time to not only suddenly have the step sibs along but all activities have to cater to being appropriate for them.
Why would you take kids that young to things you would take a 12 year old to? Their age gaps are not going to make it possible to meet the interests of all parties involved. Before long Calli is going to be a teenager, does your mom think it would be okay to force Calli to go to a bounce house then? Explain to the other adults that the difference in the age groups don't allow for many if any activities that are both age appropriate and enjoyable for all involved.
NTA..... Keep bonding with Calli and if your cousin has a problem with it she can take the stepchildren out on her time
NTA It is not your responsibility to teach J's step children that life is not fair, and sometimes you don't get to do things other people are doing. It is also pretty fucked up that J is willing to cause damage to their own daughter for the sake of the step children by saying it is all kids or nothing.
NTA - the kids are your sister's step children. If you do not acknowledge them as your nieces/nephews, that is up to you - you are under no obligation to entertain them. However, be advised that your sister may start restricting your time with Calli, even if it upsets her daughter.
Why would she acknolwege them as nephew/nieces when she is not anyone aunt? Her cousin had Calli - that makes her one cousin removed.
NTA Your sister chose to marry a man with two children. When they are in her house she needs to treat them (age-appropriately) equally to her child. You have a strong pre-existing bond with Calli and Calli alone. Enjoy it. If your cousin is upset because her stepkids feel like they are missing out, then your cousin can take them out herself.
You are correct, you don't. It's the age-old "we're all one family, you have to treat all the kids the same!" crap. But Calli is your second cousin you're close to since birth, and the others are your cousin's stepkids he only gets on weekends anyway, and they have nothing to do with you. J and your mom can do as many activities with Calli and the stepkids together as they like (not to mention their dad can). NTA
NTA. You have a relationship with your relative. Steps don’t have to be your concern.
Sigh. Why do so many people think when they get married all the children become some weird sort of conjoined entity? They're individuals, they can be treated individually. Obviously don't blatantly neglect one for another. But at what point do parents just teach their kids that everything isn't for everybody, and how to deal? Cause guess what, in the "real world" you don't get everything you want just cause you want it. Calli's relationship w you shouldn't have to suffer from forced togetherness. And if it *does*, well imagine how happy Calli will be with her mom, step-dad, and step-sibs. NTA
NTA. If Calli is 12 and the step kids are young enough for a bouncy castle it isn't the same thing at all. They are way too young for the things that OP and Calli are doing. All J is going to do is make Calls resent the young ones. If J wants some time she should hire a babysitter because OP and her mom aren't up for it.
NTA her saying you're missing the point is almost comedic, it was and still is your decision who you spend your time and money on, you do this because you have a connection with her not just because they're your cousins kid, the other kids need to understand that they can't always have the things they want, so does the cousin, she can't just expect you to do these things. She basically wants you to be a free babysitter and is taking away something meaningful from her daughter if you don't comply and after everything you've done for her, that is entirely disrespectful.
This is well said!
NTA. The step kids have a side of their family that isn't Calli's. Does she go with them when they are with their bio mom's family? I doubt it. If Calli having a relationship with her cousin, is causing tension with the step kids, it's step mom and dad's responsibility to explain the blended family dynamic to the step kids, not punish Calli. And if that fails, explaining that their step sister is allowed to have friends/experiences that don't include them, just as they'll eventually go out into the world and do their thing too. That's life and it's the parent's job-not to enable or try to make it fair- but to teach their kids to accept what is and to work within the parameters of what is available to them. Calli shouldn't have to lose time with her family member because of her step siblings. That's a sure fire way to ensure Calli becomes resentful of her entire immediate (step) family.
>I said she could take the kids there while Calli and I did our thing Heh. This is The Way. >She said I was missing the point. Of \*course\* she did. It sounds like J, whom you and her half-brother directly supported as you were able when you were young adults yourselves -- when perhaps adults in the family didn't? Well, J needs to now do that part of step-parenting which involves guiding her step-kids to a place where they understand some things are not their things and some relationships they do not have automatic access to. \*She\* has to navigate getting them to understand why Calli's relationship / time spent with you is different. (Assuming you're not being overtly mean to the step-kids.) NTA
Nta. I think they are the ones missing the point. Her husband as custody of his kids during the weekend. If anyone needs to step up and take them places and do fun things with them it’s him. If he doesn’t want too then he should just give their mom full custody. Besides I don’t think their mom will be happy is she knew he gets to see them two days a week and instead of him doing something with them a person she probably doesn’t know is watching them.
NTA - I am so tired of people who choose to have step kids expecting their family to just accept the steps as if they are their own. Her step children are not your responsibility. You don’t owe them a relationship. If your cousin tries to stop you seeing Calli make sure Calli knows it’s not your choice. There is a thing called Grandparents Rights I’m not sure if you could use something like that if she tries to stop you seeing Calli. Make your cousin realise that if she does try to stop it it will only cause Calli to hate her step siblings.
[удалено]
They are young. They are NOT his family and they are not welcome at anything they go to do because of their age. Also NO is a complete sentance.
INFO. Why isn’t the new husband entertaining his own kids?
NTA - unless J consulted you before getting into a relationship with this guy and his baggage and asked for your permission, then you have no ties or obligation to anyone other than Calli.
NTA… and it’s insane for your cousin to ask that you watch her step kids. Looking after 3 kids is no small task! Why doesn’t she use that time to build a bond with her step children? Sounds like she just wants to pawn off the kids on you because she can’t figure out how to manage her step kids.
Shame on their dad for not spending time with his kids-he only has them 2 days a week and he can take them places while you have Calli. Calli needs this one on one time with you so don’t stop. And you handled your mother perfectly. NTA
NTA Why should Calli go from throwing axes to hanging at a bouncy house because you have the little kids. Your sis wants a free babysitter. Stick with Calli. I believe she needs that one on one time as I bet $50 she is looking after those little kids at home
>J. Met a nice guy and married him two years ago. He has two kids from a previous relationship that he gets on the weekends. Seems like a perfect chance for "nice guy" to spend some time alone with his kids. Seriously, he only gets his kids two days a week and he wants to ship them off with his wifes cousin? >Calli comes back from hanging out with me and the other kids get jealous Why aren't J and nice guy Dad doing stuff with the other two that they'd enjoy?
Her husband side of the family should be doing all that it is not up to you
Bouncy house? So they're little kids? Of course they're going to be jealous, she's doing things they can't do for a few more years! If you take all of them and do things for the little kid Callie will be bored! Why would you waste your visit at a bouncy house? Sounds like you mom is volunteering to take all of them and you should tell J that your mom said that! That's great! ha ha ha! Se only wants free babysitting. Tell her NO and she's a horrible mom if she would not let her daughter hang out with her relatives because the step kids aren't invited! Do the step kids come and get Callie whenever they go somewhere with people from their moms family? No? Then there's her answer! She's acting like she's entitled to you babysitting for free. That's BS NTA
off topic but can you be my big cousin? I'm in my mid 20s but you sound awesome and i wanna try throwing sharp things at other things. Also, NTA
You're NTA. >J. says that I'm creating a schism between her kids because Calli comes back from hanging out with me and the other kids get jealous. Then maybe J and her husband need to devote some of *their* time interacting with the children they see 2 days a week, and create somr special events and memories. Things don't always seem fair. Not everyone gets to be included in every activity. Don't those younger children do things with their mom and that side of the family? Things Calli doesn't get to do? That's life. Rather than foisting the kids off on you, J and her husband need to handle this themselves.
NTA. A 12 year old should have activities that do not involve bouncy-house-aged children. Both parents should be eternally grateful that an almost teenager has another loving adult participating with positive activities. Sure, it would be great if eventually you spend some time with all the kids, but you don't owe them anything. I suggest a movie night at their home while the parents go out. You & your brother have already gone above and beyond what any cousins would do. Edit: *her* half brother
NTA. Does Calli get to do whatever the kids do with their mom? Probably not. You invited her to come and bring the other kids, so she clearly isn't really worried about the kids, she just wants kid free time with a free babysitter bc they have the kids every weekend.
NTA.
Your time with your cousin is precious. Suggest to her mother that it’s her responsibility to create quality time and memories with her step children. She should do something with them. I’m sure they have family on her new husband’s side as well. It sounds to me like she just wants to get all the kids out of her hair and wants you to take on that responsibility. Just say no. . NTA
NTA. You don’t need to always include them. It might be nice to invite them occasionally to something but you aren’t required to.
NTA
NTA!! if your cousin (or I suspect it’s really they’re dad upset about it) is that worried why don’t they take the step kids out to do something while Calli gets time with you? She shouldn’t have to loose out on your special time just because mom married someone with kids, plus your cousin should remind herself of everything you have done for her & her daughter out of kindness and appreciate it not except you to take on more kids that you have expressed you have no desire to take (and that is your right)
NTA This is an excellent opportunity for them to understand that they can't have everything they want. Time for them to start understanding the word NO. You have known your niece her whole life. Of course, the relationship you have with her is going to be different. They can't expect to dove right into a relationship.
NTA, this family is far enough from you for them not being your responsability in any way, you have a bond with Calli bc u want, u shouldn't be forced a relationship with the others
NTA. Part time dad can do something with his kids on the weekend whilst you hang with Calli. I disagree that stepsiblings mean everyone comes as a package deal from here on in. How old are these kids that your mum wanted to take them to a bouncey castle?
NTA But "J. Met a nice guy " and "Lately J. has been asking me to take out her stepkids when I take Calli out" don't really fit together. He "gets \[his kids\] on the weekends" but is okay with you taking them for most of the few days he has his kids? Press \[X\] to Doubt he is a good father.
NTA
NTA. You have a long relationship with Calli and none with her stepsiblings. Calli could use one on one attention. J can handle the jealousy differently. Her stepchildren are old enough to understand family dynamics. Refuse to discuss it anymore.
NTA you’re not J’s sibling or the likes, you’re her cousin and calli is your second cousin, her step children aren’t related to you on a family basis, I’m very much the same with my own second cousins who have step siblings.
12 is kind of old for a bouncy house. I think your cousin shouldn't be pushing you to take kids you don't know. There's also the money aspect
>I don't really know those kids and I don't really want to be responsible for them. That isn't the only worry...the other worry is, where the heck is the hubby's uncles/aunts to spoil THOSE kids?
Don’t accept if anything happens to them while you are out with them you will be blamed. The kids are 8&6 and see their father only on weekends he should step up and be a father.
NTA. why don't they take them out then?
NTA especially as you said the step kids are welcome to come along if the parents come to keep an eye of them so you aren't left footing the bill and the responsibility for 3 kids instead of 1 teenager. It's super odd that the dad is trying to palm his kids off on you instead of being happy to go along too. It would be such a nice bonding moment for everyone but seems like he just wants a babysitter even though he only sees them at the weekend!
NTA.
NTA. You should tell her that she should be using that time to do fun things with her step kids. All the kids need to understand they don’t get invited to everything.
Nta. When an adult enters into a serious relationship with another adult who has children - that person is agreeing to take on a step parent role and has an obligation to treat those children equally as they do their own. They take on that responsibility willingly. But that does not obligate anyone else in their lives to do the same. Your cousin has decided to expand her family to include her step children. That is great. It did not automatically make you care about her step children the way you do the little cousin you watched grow up. Your cousin needs to understand that her decision does not change your feelings or obligate you to take care of her step kids.
NTA J’s step kids are there on the weekends to spend time with THEIR FATHER. And just because there are 3 children in the same house doesn’t mean they all get to have the same experiences with other people. If he doesn’t want to spend time with them then he should work with his ex wife to request whatever weekends he is not wanting to interact with them. Or he should make arrangements to take his kids places like hiking or whatever age appropriate activities they enjoy. Worst case he can ask his now wife J to care for them. You are not responsible for entertaining J’s step kids. I suspect she will have a fight on her hands if she tries to prevent her daughter from spending time with you. Or worse if she and her husband start leaving Calli at home while J, his children and her husband go out as an effort to make up for her visits with you. You might consider giving Calli some advice to tone down her discussing your outings with her stepfather’s children.
Father needs to spend time with his kids during the two days a week he gets them. Asking someone unrelated to watch them for him is crazy.
NTA. I hate when people do this. Cousin and her husband need to take the other kids out. It’s not your responsibility nor are you related to them or even know them that well
Nta. Parents need to fucking parent and teach step kids to manage jealousy
NTA and lolol she only gets the step kids on the weekends and already they want to offload onto you? They only have 48hrs with the dad. Also tell your cousin that the step-kids have a bio mother and father both present in their life - they get to see their dad 2 days a week - whereas Calli I am assuming doesnt and lives full time with her mother? To make things equal then the step-kids should stop coming to see their dad or Callli will get jealous........
I'm wondering, does the stepkids' mother take Calli out when she has her kids? If not, then Calli is missing out on things the other kids do. Therefore, it should be acceptable for Calli to do things with her family members, which the other kids do not.
NTA >Calli comes back from hanging out with me and the other kids get jealous >She says I should take all the kids or stop doing stuff with Calli. So...your cousin's solution to her stepkids getting jealous of what her daughter is doing with you is to either punish her daughter by not allowing her to go, or force you to take out kids that aren't anything to do with you? And nowhere in her brain does it say 'hmm, maybe my husband and I should be doing more interesting things with the kids'? You are not free entertainment for her husband's children. You are not responsible for taking care of his children.
NTA
NTA. You don't really know them. Plus I'm sure their mom wouldn't be too happy to hear that his new wifey made/ let them go with a relative the mom doesn't know, instead of spending time with their dad on "his weekend"
Nta, you were only asked to watch after Calli. Not the step kids. She threw the step kids on you without you knowing them very well. Why can't her husbands family watch them in the first place? It's not your job to watch all of them.
NTA - there's a huge ass difference between hanging out with one near-teenager and adding an extra two children to the mix. Especially when the point of the outings is for you to spend time with Callie, but then the age of the youngest child has to then dictate how you spend that time. Blended families mean that there will de facto be differences in experiences between different households and different family configurations. It's not up to you to make things equal for all the kids. It's up to them to manage the expectations of the children about how life works.
It’s not the greatest situation to be in and I feel for the kids but you have no responsibility towards those kids. Your bond and relationship is with your little cousin. Your older cousin is the one that signed up to be those children’s step mother but that responsibility doesn’t spread onto you as a cousin. It’s also barely been two years.
NTA. Even if you’re blood-related to them, it’s still your choice to take them out or not. Your bond with Calli is special cause you chose to help her mom out when you’re so young yourself. The step kids don’t have that or any bonds with you. It’s J and her husband’s job to explain to that two kids why you take Calli out and not them.
NTA. This sounds like a great opportunity for the dad to spend time with his bio kids. If he only sees them on the weekends that’s not much time, he should be taking them to fun activities which would prevent them from being jealous.
Offer to take the new stepdad with you instead of his kids - see if he really wants them learning how to shoot and throw axes and stars! Then tell him to get your cousin to stop pushing you to take his kids too so SHE gets the day off!!! NTA
NTA. The kids needs to understand that they can’t be involved in everything. You’ve been doing this since calli was born, why should you alter it for step kids. Let the dad take them out
NTA, you have no relation to those kids or responsibility for them. You have your own relationship with Calli since you’ve been there from the start.
NTA why doesn’t the dad do something fun with his kids while you spend time with your niece?
NTA. Why should Calli lose out on her fun outings just because her mother got married? And your mother suggests you go to some kind of ‘bouncy play area’ instead of the things you normally do? Ridiculous. Also a great way to make Calli resent the other kids.
NTA. You've established this special time with Calli and aren't obligated to include J's new stepchildren. If Calli was ok with the idea, maybe it'd be different. It's not fair to punish Calli by stopping the outings just because the stepchildren aren't being taught how to deal with disappointment and jealousy.
NTA. Your cousin’s step kids are not your responsibility. I can’t see it going well for her if she refuses to let you take out Calli solo. Also who takes a 12 year old to a bouncy play area.
NTA I'm assuming the steps are younger than Calli, cos unless it's one of those assault course bouncy places, not many 12yr olds are going to be interested in a bouncy play area when they are used to doing things like axe throwing. Forcing you to take them will only make the kids resent each other more, and Calli resent her mum. Plus, her husband is only with his kids on a weekend. He should be taking them out and doing something with them on the 2 days he has them, not looking to pawn them off for half his custody time.
NTA, her husband only has his kids on the weekend, so when you take Calli out, he should be spending time with his kids & taking them out himself, not palming them off on you.
The stepkids only have the weekend with their Dad. He should be spending time with them, not their stepmom's cousin. NTA
Sounds like she wants a free babysitter so her and step-kids dad can have a kid free weekend. Why do some step parents try and shoe horn kids into their own kids family? When you become a blended family you have to realize those kids had an entire life up to that point that you can’t just jump into. It’s easier just to demand rather than do the actual work of sitting the kids down and explaining the situation.
So when Calli goes out and does fun things with friends, does she have to take her step siblings? That’s silly. Of course you can continue to have a relationship with your younger cousin. Take them all or take none is a ridiculous request. NTA.
NTA. The step-kids are jealous of the fact that you take Callie out to do things, but that's not on you. J & her husband are the parents here & they have to teach those kids that "inclusion doesn't always apply." Your mom taking the kids while you take Callie is a fair compromise. And J threatening your relationship with Callie is an asshole move. Has Callie asked about including her step-siblings? If not, tell J that & you won't be bullied to take the kids.
NTA. I would stop taking Cali before I would be blackmailed into taking all the kids.
NTA you have no obligation to take the other kids and quite frankly, I would do the same thing as you. Good luck!
Nta. You have a special bond with the one child.
NTA. could you do something during the week with Callie, Maybe on a day that Callie doesn’t have a lot of homework , since step kids are at their moms home during the week? Limit the weekend trips with Calli to once a month or so, that way the new blended family can do stuff together on the weekends without involving you. Let J and her husband take all the kids out together as a family. Also by the reference that your mom asked to take to bounce house it means the step kids are very young, when there’s such an age gap Callie actually needs fun time which is age approximately for her. Tell J that when you take Callie out she and hubby can take her own step kids somewhere and actually bond with them, since they only see them on the weekend. Honestly this feels more like the newly wed couple wants time alone and are trying to pawn off the kids on you.
NTA. OP was right about taking responsibility on someone else children's.
From the way he describes his relationship with calli they sound like a big brother and lil sister and she shouldn’t have to share a bond that she had before the step kids were involved and honestly the only reason they sound jealous is because the dad isn’t doing anything with them
NTA. My brother has a different dad than me. My mom remarried. When my brother used to go to his bio's dad house or get invited to events with that side of his family, I wasn't invited. I wasn't jealous. It's just one of those things you learn to accept.
NTA. Mom and dad can parent their youngest kids and explain why not everyone gets the same things/everything they want.
NTA Why isn't she taking the kids out to do something when you take Calli? It's as simple as giving them something else to look forward to.
Nta. Cousin and new hubby don't get to force you to be their babysitter. If the other kids are jealous they can take them out for special time while Callie is with you instead of trying to teach their children that everyone needs to cater to their jealousies. Children are capable of learning that they aren't entitled to be invited by everyone and siblings/stepsiblings/family can have personal relationships/friendships separate from them.
NTA They have a family. Calli has a family. Who cares if they’re jealous? They can make arrangements with their moms side of the family. They aren’t your nieces and nephews. Someone needs to teach them that they aren’t entitled to anything and sometimes what they consider fair just ain’t happening.
NTA Kids jealous? Have those kids make their own case for being taken along. What does their father think? This is, however, not a straightforward asshole test. There is no worse age than being a 12 year old girl and the sort of bond and consistent outlet that you give her is vital and needs to be protected. And it seems to be really good for you, too. I suggest that you try to put a lid on the language and work this as diplomatically as you can.
Nta
NTA. My stepdad kept up a tradition or two with my stepsister, and I didn’t throw a shitfit about it as a kid.
NTA.
INFO how old are the other 2 kids
NTA This is J and her husband’s problem to fix not yours. Life in a blended family is not fair and equal. The parents have different resources and there are a lot of relatives involved that the kids don’t share. There is nothing stopping J and her husband from doing something special with the step kids when you are with Callie to make up for it.
NTA Your nice you do what you want with her they need to learn not everything one gets the other will get
its your time and your money and not your kids, nta.
NTA you have a relationship with Callie. You should try to be a positive influence and teach her to be respectful of her parents because this will benefit her future more. However you are not obligated to treat everyone the same. Your suggestion of meeting up after they do different (age appropriate) events was a good idea.
nta
NTA I am in a blended family and my sisters or parents will often take my Son out for the day. My Stepchildren get taken out by their aunts and grandparents
NTA You have a bond with your young cousin which has developed over 12 years. You have no bond with the new stepchildren. Morevover I assume they have relatives on their parents' side who do things just for them. In blended families it's the parents' job to explain.
Nta
NTA. J. should find alternative activities that do not invole you and Calli on those weekends. Their upbringing and entertainment are not your concern or responsibility. Your cousin forcing them upon you is very ungrateful for all you're already doing from her end.
NTA, those are typical dynamic issues in patchwork families and it's the PARENTS' task to manage emotions and relationships between the step-siblings, not yours. Patchwork is best done if it's a mix between blending and separate. THEY need to treat the kids equal, outsiders of the nuclear family do not.
NTA if it felt natural for you to build a bond with them as well that would be fine but equally fine that you don’t feel the need to. You cousin choose her husband and his kids to be a part of her life. You have the right to choose who is a part of yours. It always amazes me when family side with the other person instead of offering to do it themselves if it’s so necessary. If your mom is so worried about their jealousy and feeling getting hurt she should take them out to bouncy places when you take Calli out otherwise she should keep her opinions to herself.
NTA What's next? Having to take all of her friends too because they feel left out?
NTA You didn't mention the age of the other kids but either way, your time with Calli is your time with her. Kids need to learn that some things are done apart from one another. No big deal but of course the mom is too stupid to do so (she just wants a free babysitter so she has a whole day off herself) the kids won't learn an important life lesson. sigh. Don't give in to her demands!
NTA.
NTA you have offered more of a compromise than I would have.
Nta- you shouldn’t it would be the same concept as if you were her dad since they have different fathers. She wouldn’t expect calli father to take the other children. Instead she should simply take the other children out, or their father can
NTA, if the stepkids have little time with dad, dad should do something fun with them. Also, you are her uncle. Maybe the siblings of dad can take the other kids.
NTA. You have a relationship with calli she and you like the same things and spending time with her is not a chore. But it would be to take those other 2 and have to do childish things neither you nor Calli want to do. I’d be clear with your cousin that her daughter will not thank her for this. Does her husbands family do stuff with his kids I’m betting they do.
NTA
NTA
NTA
Those kids go back to their mothers monday to Friday. How does that create less of a chism between them than you doing things with Callie? Surely, as a part-time father, he can use those weekends to spend some quality time with his kids!
NTA. You have know Calli since she was born and your relationship with her is very different than with the other kids. I am from a blended family and I as a kid, got used to it that since me and my stepsiblings had different parents and relatives, we don't always get the same things. My stepsister would brag me about getting new jeans and school supplies, while I could tell her that our family is going for a vacation next winter or that I am going for horse riding lesson because my uncle paid for it, while she would tell me her aunt gave her bunch of her old toys that are worth a lot of money. You don't need to take responsibility of any other kids that Calli if you don't want to, and it's good for the stepkids to also learn that not everyone gets the same things - since you have different family and relatives. It would have been ridiculous for my stepmom to buy me stuff too, just because she got something for her daughter and it would have been ridiculous if my aunt would've had to take my stepsister with us when we went to do something fun, because they don't even know each other! I would also feel uncomfortable as Calli in this situation, because she needs to be the one to "connect" you and the other kids, and she would probably worry about you getting along nicely rather than spending quality time with you!
NTA
NTA