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YTA. And you sound like you could probably use therapy. Because emotionally punishing your husband with lies just because you're unable to manage your own emotions like an adult is a pretty quick way to ruin your marriage. So, for your own sake - and for that poor man's - seek help. And apologize.
YTA.
Seriously consider seeing a therapist. The issue isn't his lack of empathy but your jealousy and feeling like you've missed out. It's also a really immature thing to do. You weren't getting your way so you made shit up?
He doesn't think working with exes is a big deal. You do.
So wouldn't the solution here be you seek help or get another job so you don't have to see his exes? Everyone has a past and you already said he's given you no reason to distrust him so this is entirely a you issue to figure out.
YTA
You're manipulating your husband to get a reaction out of him, and you lied. That's not how a sane relationship work. You should work on your insecurities with a therapist.
Besides, you created the conditions for a truly embarrassing situation. What if your husband talks to this person and it turns out you didn't sleep with him?
So you lied, and? What was his reaction? Did you get the reaction you wanted? Even if you did, it's a childish way of making him understand your feelings... YTA for that.
YTA for lying to your husband with the pure intention of upsetting him.
Please get some counselling to deal with your insecurities before it ruins your marriage.
If you're looking for better communication in your marriage I would suggest that deliberately lying to your partner is not the way to go about doing it.
You stated your partner is an exemplary one and has never given you any course for your insecurity.
Do you see that the issue is on your side not his?
YTA.
Anyone else notice when people say "it triggered me". They're basically blaming the situation for their response.
It should read, something happened and I lost control of myself and did/said something unreasonable.
Yes, OP's reasoning to justify herself, *"I lied so he would understand what it felt like, and would empathize with me"* is wrong on many levels.
Taking this kind of reasoning to the extreme, let's take an (absurd) example: my pet d1es and I talk about it with you, but since it seems to me that you're not empathizing with me, I k1ll your pet, to make you understand what I'm feeling. Sick.
YTA
>I wanted to make him feel as bad as I do when I see his exes. My goal is to make him empathize with me
You're not trying to get your husband to empathise with you; you want to hurt him, and that's not at all normal or healthy. How do you think he's going to feel if he finds out you've lied to him? You say he's a wonderful husband and hasn't given you any reason to be jealous, yet here you are lashing out at him due to your own insecurities.
>I can’t help feeling the way I feel
Yes, you can. These are *your* feelings, not your husband's and you have a responsibility to deal with them before you push him away. Get help.
Well said.
OP is oblivious to the fact this is a 110% her problem. Emotions aren’t some phantasmal force we have zero control over. The fact she’s blatantly admitting to lying in order to manipulate him is scary.
YTA. Get yourself help because of your jealousy. That is your problem, seek a therapist. And what you did - is just a stupid, childish act. And most likely it would not work. Because past is past. And if his mentality is like that, he will not interact with this person any different than before.
I noticed that you didn't mention how your husband responded to this bit of fake information. I'm assuming that's because it didn't work out very well and it didn't bother him. There's a reason for that..... Because the past is the past, like he said.
YTA. You may want to consider some therapy to help you with your FOMO and your insecurities. That's the best way to deal with this issue, not by telling lies to your husband to try and trigger him.
YTA - he did nothing wrong and hr also likely doesnt get bother by your lie - until he finds out that it is a lie.
you are lying to make him hurt, how toxic can you get? its not on him to fix your insecurities
I am a very jealous type as well, so I get it. My husband has had more partners than me so I can relate a little. I’ve worked really hard to get to a place where I can relax and put my trust in him.
Even though I understand there jealousy thing ….I still think what you did was really inappropriate. You were setting him up and that’s a real no go in a healthy marriage.
This is all a you issue. Therapy may help. Also trust yourself enough to know that if the worst happened and he did cheat, you are strong enough to recover from that. Let it go and put this jealousy behind you. It is such a huge waste of energy.
Put the energy into being your best in the marriage. Don’t set up someone you love.
Good luck!
YTA.
You are projecting your insecurities onto your husband.
You are lying to him.
You are risking your marriage in order to try to make him feel jealous because of YOUR issue.
You are damaging your husband’s trust in you.
Get therapy, before you destroy your relationship over events that are in the past.
YTA (You're the asshole). Instead of addressing your retroactive jealousy issues with communication and seeking therapy, you chose to manipulate and deceive your husband. Not cool. Communication is key in a healthy relationship!
you’re obviously the asshole, but seriously get some help before you start burning bridges if you haven’t already. change your environment if you cant handle the one you are in
YTA
"I wanted to make him feel as bad as I do""... That... That right there is what makes you a GIANT ASSHOLE. What kind of person wants someone they love to feel bad?!? And you need to ask us?!?!?
You are beyond a shadow of a doubt the biggest asshole I’ve ever seen, and I’m from New York, there’s a lot of assholes. I cannot fathom how you think that was ever ok to do. You need therapy at a minimum, and in my opinion lots of loving tender heavy medication.
YTA. You fucked up big time. You will be lucky to keep your marriage intact. I would not keep such wife as that was completely uncalled for and tells everything about your current mental/emotional state, you might want to seek professional help and go to therapy.
YTA.
As people have already pointed out it's very toxic when you intentionally try to hurt your partner, thats not how a loving relationship works. You've admitted it hurt him and you feel horrible (as you should) and honestly, I'm not sure you thought about the consequences of your actions one bit.
You say you wanted him to sympathise more with you, but what is it actually you wanted from him? You want him to admit it's a big deal to him too? Because he's right, it already is in the past, he can't change it. What he probably means when he says it's not a problem for him means he's not interested in the coworkers anymore because he has you, even though he used to be with them.
You better go tell him the truth that you lied, apologise and promise you will work on your jealousy and toxicity in therapy before he realises you're sabotaging the relationship and leaves you. Because nobody deserves a partner that intentionally puts stress on them like this.
If you really did this you are putting your marriage at risk.
Seek professional help to handle your insecurity and confess fast and sincerely apologise to your husband.
YTA and you don’t sounds mature enough for a relationship let alone marriage. I’d imagine your husband doesn’t really care about you hooking up with people before him because he’s an adult and can act like one.
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My husband (40) and I (33) have been together for 13 years and I’ve always suffered from retroactive jealousy towards him. He’s had more sexual partners than me and because he met most of them at his work and we’ve been working together for some time now we usually run into some of them and that triggers me a lot. He doesn’t get why I feel so triggered because according to him his past is in the past but I see these women in the present. He’s never given me a reason to be jealous of him, he’s a wonderful husband to me and has never disrespected me but I can’t help feeling the way I feel. So today I lied to him and said I had sex with someone I didn’t just to see his reaction. This person is someone we see sometimes and I wanted to make him feel as bad as I do when I see his exes. My goal is to make him empathize with me more instead of what he usually does, which is trying to convince me it’s not that big of a deal.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) Lying to my husband about something that didn’t actually happen
2) Because I shouldn’t lie to him
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YTA, the way to work on your retroactive jealousy is not by lying and purposely making him feel bad.
I get were you're coming from, I also have retroactive jealousy, I know how horrible it can make you feel, but I would never consider lying to my partner to make them feel bad. You need to work on yourself.
YTA - This sounds like something that you may want to talk through in therapy. Im sure there are a LOT of harsh comments in this thread, and i hope you are able to take these comments and turn them into motivation for change. I saw your comment that you've booked therapy, thats great to hear and i hope you get to work on yourself.
YTA
I've been on the receiving end of a rather similar dynamic for years and I get how he is convinced that it isn't a big deal.
Because those women mean something to *you and not him*. Your mind is making this a present issue. He sees a past and it is you alone carrying it over into the present.
Trying some kind of petty switch of places just adds to the impression that your attitude and insecurities are the problem.
YTA.
It's not big of a deal because past is in the past. If he's not engaging in flirty behavior towards them now then you have no valid reason to be mad at him or trying to make him jealous.
I'll give you the classic Reddit answer but unlike most of the redditors who default to this answer I really mean it. OP seek therapy, because your behavior is not healthy, you are projecting your insecurities onto him and if your relationship goes south it will be most likely your fault.
Your husband didn't pick them he picked you to be his wife and from what you wrote he is loyal too so get a grip OP.
Edit: typo
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That doesn’t have anything to do with OPs post tho. She would most likely still be doing this if it was non-coworkers.
Plus, she said it was people he met through work, not coworkers.
Yes, but they could be vendors or people met through work, but not coworkers.
Personally yeah I think it’s a bit skeevy however it’s not relevant to OPs question where/how he met the women
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YTA. And you sound like you could probably use therapy. Because emotionally punishing your husband with lies just because you're unable to manage your own emotions like an adult is a pretty quick way to ruin your marriage. So, for your own sake - and for that poor man's - seek help. And apologize.
[удалено]
Of course. I wish you the best of luck with therapy. Hopefully it'll alleviate your jealousy so you can just enjoy your marriage.
YTA. Seriously consider seeing a therapist. The issue isn't his lack of empathy but your jealousy and feeling like you've missed out. It's also a really immature thing to do. You weren't getting your way so you made shit up? He doesn't think working with exes is a big deal. You do. So wouldn't the solution here be you seek help or get another job so you don't have to see his exes? Everyone has a past and you already said he's given you no reason to distrust him so this is entirely a you issue to figure out.
YTA You're manipulating your husband to get a reaction out of him, and you lied. That's not how a sane relationship work. You should work on your insecurities with a therapist. Besides, you created the conditions for a truly embarrassing situation. What if your husband talks to this person and it turns out you didn't sleep with him?
So you lied, and? What was his reaction? Did you get the reaction you wanted? Even if you did, it's a childish way of making him understand your feelings... YTA for that.
YTA for lying to your husband with the pure intention of upsetting him. Please get some counselling to deal with your insecurities before it ruins your marriage.
If you're looking for better communication in your marriage I would suggest that deliberately lying to your partner is not the way to go about doing it. You stated your partner is an exemplary one and has never given you any course for your insecurity. Do you see that the issue is on your side not his? YTA.
Anyone else notice when people say "it triggered me". They're basically blaming the situation for their response. It should read, something happened and I lost control of myself and did/said something unreasonable.
Yes, OP's reasoning to justify herself, *"I lied so he would understand what it felt like, and would empathize with me"* is wrong on many levels. Taking this kind of reasoning to the extreme, let's take an (absurd) example: my pet d1es and I talk about it with you, but since it seems to me that you're not empathizing with me, I k1ll your pet, to make you understand what I'm feeling. Sick.
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YTA >I wanted to make him feel as bad as I do when I see his exes. My goal is to make him empathize with me You're not trying to get your husband to empathise with you; you want to hurt him, and that's not at all normal or healthy. How do you think he's going to feel if he finds out you've lied to him? You say he's a wonderful husband and hasn't given you any reason to be jealous, yet here you are lashing out at him due to your own insecurities. >I can’t help feeling the way I feel Yes, you can. These are *your* feelings, not your husband's and you have a responsibility to deal with them before you push him away. Get help.
Well said. OP is oblivious to the fact this is a 110% her problem. Emotions aren’t some phantasmal force we have zero control over. The fact she’s blatantly admitting to lying in order to manipulate him is scary.
YTA. The fact that your 33 and pulling shit like this speaks volumes about your emotional maturity. You are a victim of your own mind.
YTA. Get yourself help because of your jealousy. That is your problem, seek a therapist. And what you did - is just a stupid, childish act. And most likely it would not work. Because past is past. And if his mentality is like that, he will not interact with this person any different than before.
I noticed that you didn't mention how your husband responded to this bit of fake information. I'm assuming that's because it didn't work out very well and it didn't bother him. There's a reason for that..... Because the past is the past, like he said. YTA. You may want to consider some therapy to help you with your FOMO and your insecurities. That's the best way to deal with this issue, not by telling lies to your husband to try and trigger him.
YTA. Stop the mind games and work on your sex life.
YTA - he did nothing wrong and hr also likely doesnt get bother by your lie - until he finds out that it is a lie. you are lying to make him hurt, how toxic can you get? its not on him to fix your insecurities
I am a very jealous type as well, so I get it. My husband has had more partners than me so I can relate a little. I’ve worked really hard to get to a place where I can relax and put my trust in him. Even though I understand there jealousy thing ….I still think what you did was really inappropriate. You were setting him up and that’s a real no go in a healthy marriage. This is all a you issue. Therapy may help. Also trust yourself enough to know that if the worst happened and he did cheat, you are strong enough to recover from that. Let it go and put this jealousy behind you. It is such a huge waste of energy. Put the energy into being your best in the marriage. Don’t set up someone you love. Good luck!
YTA. I'ma leave you with this. Play stupid games win stupid prizes.
YTA and remember therapy might be expensive but it is very useful
YTA. Don’t play games, that is just immature and nuts. You’re not some teenager, you’re 33 act like it.
YTA. You are projecting your insecurities onto your husband. You are lying to him. You are risking your marriage in order to try to make him feel jealous because of YOUR issue. You are damaging your husband’s trust in you. Get therapy, before you destroy your relationship over events that are in the past.
Toxiccccccccccccc
YTA (You're the asshole). Instead of addressing your retroactive jealousy issues with communication and seeking therapy, you chose to manipulate and deceive your husband. Not cool. Communication is key in a healthy relationship!
The first requirement for a relationship is trust, empathy is second. It seems you got used too used to being trusted, and forgot it's value.
you’re obviously the asshole, but seriously get some help before you start burning bridges if you haven’t already. change your environment if you cant handle the one you are in
YTA "I wanted to make him feel as bad as I do""... That... That right there is what makes you a GIANT ASSHOLE. What kind of person wants someone they love to feel bad?!? And you need to ask us?!?!?
You are beyond a shadow of a doubt the biggest asshole I’ve ever seen, and I’m from New York, there’s a lot of assholes. I cannot fathom how you think that was ever ok to do. You need therapy at a minimum, and in my opinion lots of loving tender heavy medication.
>and I’m from New York, there’s a lot of assholes Out of topic, this made my day :)
I’m glad I could😂
YTA. You fucked up big time. You will be lucky to keep your marriage intact. I would not keep such wife as that was completely uncalled for and tells everything about your current mental/emotional state, you might want to seek professional help and go to therapy.
How are you 33 acting like 15? YTA
YTA. If you're looking for a divorce, you going to get it. What a stupid thing you did.
YTA. As people have already pointed out it's very toxic when you intentionally try to hurt your partner, thats not how a loving relationship works. You've admitted it hurt him and you feel horrible (as you should) and honestly, I'm not sure you thought about the consequences of your actions one bit. You say you wanted him to sympathise more with you, but what is it actually you wanted from him? You want him to admit it's a big deal to him too? Because he's right, it already is in the past, he can't change it. What he probably means when he says it's not a problem for him means he's not interested in the coworkers anymore because he has you, even though he used to be with them. You better go tell him the truth that you lied, apologise and promise you will work on your jealousy and toxicity in therapy before he realises you're sabotaging the relationship and leaves you. Because nobody deserves a partner that intentionally puts stress on them like this.
If you really did this you are putting your marriage at risk. Seek professional help to handle your insecurity and confess fast and sincerely apologise to your husband.
YTA and you don’t sounds mature enough for a relationship let alone marriage. I’d imagine your husband doesn’t really care about you hooking up with people before him because he’s an adult and can act like one.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband (40) and I (33) have been together for 13 years and I’ve always suffered from retroactive jealousy towards him. He’s had more sexual partners than me and because he met most of them at his work and we’ve been working together for some time now we usually run into some of them and that triggers me a lot. He doesn’t get why I feel so triggered because according to him his past is in the past but I see these women in the present. He’s never given me a reason to be jealous of him, he’s a wonderful husband to me and has never disrespected me but I can’t help feeling the way I feel. So today I lied to him and said I had sex with someone I didn’t just to see his reaction. This person is someone we see sometimes and I wanted to make him feel as bad as I do when I see his exes. My goal is to make him empathize with me more instead of what he usually does, which is trying to convince me it’s not that big of a deal. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1) Lying to my husband about something that didn’t actually happen 2) Because I shouldn’t lie to him Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA You dragged some random guy into your... what the fuck is this, a revenge plot? Get help.
YTA, the way to work on your retroactive jealousy is not by lying and purposely making him feel bad. I get were you're coming from, I also have retroactive jealousy, I know how horrible it can make you feel, but I would never consider lying to my partner to make them feel bad. You need to work on yourself.
YTA - This sounds like something that you may want to talk through in therapy. Im sure there are a LOT of harsh comments in this thread, and i hope you are able to take these comments and turn them into motivation for change. I saw your comment that you've booked therapy, thats great to hear and i hope you get to work on yourself.
YTA I've been on the receiving end of a rather similar dynamic for years and I get how he is convinced that it isn't a big deal. Because those women mean something to *you and not him*. Your mind is making this a present issue. He sees a past and it is you alone carrying it over into the present. Trying some kind of petty switch of places just adds to the impression that your attitude and insecurities are the problem.
Why in Gods green Earth did you marry him and continue working with him if that was such a big problem? YTA big time. Yikes on a bike 🙃
YTA. It's not big of a deal because past is in the past. If he's not engaging in flirty behavior towards them now then you have no valid reason to be mad at him or trying to make him jealous. I'll give you the classic Reddit answer but unlike most of the redditors who default to this answer I really mean it. OP seek therapy, because your behavior is not healthy, you are projecting your insecurities onto him and if your relationship goes south it will be most likely your fault. Your husband didn't pick them he picked you to be his wife and from what you wrote he is loyal too so get a grip OP. Edit: typo
wow
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You're an idiot.
ESH Of course he has more partners, he was 30 and you were 17 when you got together. This fact only tell me the relationship you probably have
Please get your math correct. He was 27 and she was 20 when the relationship started 13 years ago.
Maths is hard isn’t it.
[удалено]
That doesn’t have anything to do with OPs post tho. She would most likely still be doing this if it was non-coworkers. Plus, she said it was people he met through work, not coworkers.
[удалено]
Yes, but they could be vendors or people met through work, but not coworkers. Personally yeah I think it’s a bit skeevy however it’s not relevant to OPs question where/how he met the women
[удалено]