Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 5: We do not allow posts which concern violence. This includes any mention of violence in any context.
[Rule 5 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_5.3A_no_violence) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
Posts which discuss minors and sexual content or sexualization of minors are strictly prohibited. "Minor" is defined by this subreddit as anyone under 18.
[Reddit's Content Policy](https://www.reddithelp.com/en/categories/rules-reporting/account-and-community-restrictions/do-not-post-sexual-or-suggestive)||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts involving changes to contact levels with friends, family members or acquaintances. This includes ghosting, breaking off, cutting or reducing contact, or denying a relationship (or not) with anyone.
[Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
Well, to be honest, your daughter has a right to feel that she was abandoned because you did abandon her. There’s no way around that. You gave her to your sister because you still blame her for you losing your husband. You’re still grieving and it’s making me wonder if you have gone to therapy for this.
YTA. She was a child. She only knew what you taught her. Blaming her for your husband’s death is both unhealthy and ridiculous. Kids that age rarely know how to process emotions and it doesn’t sound like you have her the tools to do that. The tantrums were a symptom.
I think you need to stop going to your sisters house. It’s not okay to show up at the home where your daughter lives and ignore her. If you can’t behave with decency just don’t go. Forcing her to see you and treating her that way is narcissistic as hell.
While therapy doesn’t fix everything, I believe therapy does help people understand themselves better. You need to come to terms that by wanting to reconnect with your sister, you’re going to run into your first child. And with that, you got to make a choice: just be cordial when at your sister’s place or tell your sister to meet you somewhere else without your first child present. Otherwise, you might lose contact with your sister again
Losing contact with my sister did not involve my daughter. I willingly disconnected from the family when they found out I was giving her up. My sister is the one who recommended it.
When visiting I try to stay out the way. Normally we talk on the porch or patio where she normally isn’t present, according to my sister
YTA, sounds like you’re the one who failed to keep her out of the water and then failed to get him out, so instead of feeling guilt for your own failures you projected it on her
YTA
You lost your husband yes but your six year old daughter lost her father, most likely blames herself for his death and her mother up and abandoned her. You really have the gall to reconnect with your sister and then pretend the child you abandoned doesn't exist? Thank fuck this is rage bait.
I accept my judgement. I don’t have a way of proving that this isn’t bait.
Reconnecting with my sister was about keeping her in touch as family, not about seeing my first daughter around.
At this point, just stop calling her your daughter. You abandoned her. You were suppose to be the adult but decided to abandoned your child. You say you aren’t proud of what you said but glad that you got it out. That’s a bit of contradicting statement
Then it's better for you to stay away.
Everything in this post is about you. You didn't want a child. You feel traumatised because your husband died. You want your family to be around you. You feel traumatised every time you see your daughter
What about your daughter? You abandoned her when her father passed away. You blamed her to her face for everything. And now you traumatise her every time you go there.
Stay away from the whole family and let your daughter recover
You shouldn’t be going to your sister’s house at all. It’s not fair to the child you abandoned. Showing up in her home and ignoring her is the behavior of a narcissist. Any decent person would not go at all.
Honestly you don’t sound like a person who should be around children at all, and you certainly don’t have a grasp on basic child development. Don’t procreate.
If this isn't bait then you need to get away from your sister and your daughter. She doesn't deserve to be exposed to the mother who abandoned her, ignores her, and apparently, went on to have other kids? On top of all of that you blamed her for her father's death. WTF...
YTA a very selfish AH.
There was nothing wrong or abnormal about your daughter. She was reacting in a normal way (that any child would act) to a parent who overtly didn't want her and the resulting attachment issues that caused. Children don't just need their basic needs met, they need nurture, attunement, unconditional love. Children see themselves in the eyes of their caregivers and you saw her as something not wanted, and a mistake. That would be how she perceived herself as a child. You really do have a lot to answer for in your actions. And to blame a 6 year old child for an accident....
I never neglected or ignored her prior to the incident. Yes I was resentful of having to give birth at such a young age, but I didn’t resent her. The behavioral issues were horrid and tiring but I never had hatred until the incident. I went through situations of her biting kids of hurting family pets but never resented her until that day.
I accept my judgement.
I see what your saying and I'm sure (and I hope) that this was not intentional on your part. But unfortunately, young children are very astute and aware of the relational connections they have with their caregiver. So even though you may not have explicitly treated her unfairly, your underlying resentment underpins all if your interactions. Ask yourself this, can you honestly say that you loved that child? A secure attachment is based on love, children without secure attachments (or at least any attachment) will be doomed to experience behavioural disturbances and issues, which are often directed at others in general, not just the caregiver. They way you described her behaviour, indicates attachment disturbance. I can't imagine how your daughter must feel ( I also understand that you yourself must be very troubled to have reacted in such a way) but hopefully some of these comments may help you reflect on your actions
Op, you have some deep seeding trauma that needs to be worked on. Please get help, please start seeing a therapist and go from there. Maybe some sort of group grief counseling will help also.
I’m sorry you were forced to have the child you did not want. But when the accident occurred, she was a child. It was not her fault.
I’ve attended grief counseling before for those in similar situations. As of now I’ve been in therapy for a few years.
Even now I can’t see her as not being responsible for his death.
Your 6 year old daughter didn’t kill your husband. Not anymore than you did. You said yourself that you didn’t notice he was stuck. Do you blame yourself for it? It was a tragic accident and it wasn’t your daughters fault.
Poor parenting contributed to her early behavior struggles, it always is. And not only did she lose her father and have her mother abandon her, she now gets the pleasure of watching mom come back with more children, and ignore her existence.
I’m not religious but for your sake I really hope Karma isn’t real. I really hope this is rage bait because if not you’re an absolutely disgusting excuse for a human.
I know she didn’t directly kill him. I felt that she caused the situation that killed him.
I wrote this in another reply I think. We tried our best at parenting. Always taking the guide and advice from our parents and grandparents. When she hurt or bite other kids/animals we never yelled at her. If she destroyed s book for bedtime stories we just saved up the money to replace it. Her issues started the day she was born, hoping from doctor to doctor trying to get an answer/solution
It’s more common than you’d think to not bond with your child. You were very young and you were forced into marriage and childbirth. That said, you’re now a grown-ass woman and had no right to say that kind of shit to any child, yours or not. YTA.
No matter how I tried bonding with her it never worked. Doctors and family kept recommending all sorts of things like increasing cuddling time, watching shows together, etc but nothing ever came.
I accept my judgement
You abandoned your daughter and years later you scream in her face that she’s a child from hell, and you’re glad you got that out there. At a certain point, this stops being believable, unless you are an actual psychopathic monster. You say you’re in therapy but it’s not working. Leave your fucking family alone.
She was 6, it was an accident. You couldn't handle it and abandoned her. Her outburst towards you now is fucking justified. Don't call her daughter, she lost both her parents that day. How do you think she felt losing her dad then abandoned by you? Kids are dumb that's why they need parents. Instead of getting help grieving you just up and left her. You suck, sure what happened was hard on you, it was hard on her too. So yes YTA.
I hope she gets help cuz what happened to you was miniscule to happened to her.
I only refer to her as my daughter for the simplicity of the post.
I disagree with attempting to compare the pain we both went through.
I accept my judgement.
YTA
You’re trying to make your child responsible for YOUR trauma.
Do everyone a favour. If you can’t apologize and do better, just stay away. You’re going to ruin your daughter’s life.
What happened to you was not your fault but as an adult, the healing is on you.
Telling your daughter your truth will make you feel better for a short time but eventually you’ll have to deal with this.
Not right away. It took time to even know if I ever wanted to have a relationship or kids again.
I had 2 more kids years later and then swore off on kids.
YTA. Reading your words has made me sick to my stomach. Blaming a small child for their parent’s accidental death? Ridiculous and cruel. She lost both her parents that day and you are acting like she was an adult murdering someone in cold blood. Her behaviours were hard to deal with but they were age appropriate, especially for a child whose mother didn’t love her, who would have had major attachment issues. Be honest with yourself, you didn’t want her before the incident, your husbands death just gave you what you thought was a fair reason to give her up and have her be the bad guy.
You were probably right to give her up because you are otherwise such a deficient human being that to keep her would have been worse. But everything you did up to that moment is YTA at a level that is hard to fit into words.
Why go back? For you. Why blame a six year old? To make yourself feel better. Why is the child who is bad, when your sister could manage her just fine? If you care at all - you will go back to where you came from and stop torturing the rest of them so that you can feel better about the past.
Hopefully this is rage bait.
YTA. Kids are exactly how you are describing them. Seems like you are projecting a lot of what happened on to her. By your own admission, you ignored a lot of things. It seems your daughter did better at her aunt's house, again an indication that she was not the problem.
Also, you can't blame a 6 year old for behaving exactly how a six year old does. There is a reason they are called minors and need to have adults around them to adult.
Please give therapy a chance if you havent already. The time to give up the child was when she was born. I'm sorry your family didn't present that as an option. I have my opinions but I really don't think it would be kind. If you can get help for yourself and maybe include your daughter, that would be best. Good luck and please take care of yourself.
im gonna be harsh and im not sorry. everything that happens to your daughter, her biting, anger, aggression, it's all your fault, you raised her.
for Gods sake, blaming a six-year-old child for the fact that your husband drowned is completely absurd.
the probleme here is you gave birth too soon, you werent ready to be a parent, and still you aren’t. leave her alone, she will be better without you anyway
YTA. You abandoned your daughter AND went on to have more kids?! That’s terrible. Go to therapy and handle your shit. You owe your daughter and sister a heartfelt apology for your actions.
Your daughter lost her dad at six years old and you just left her and blamed her for his death. Wow. You’re sick.
You did the right thing by not being her parent anymore and allowing another person to hopefully raise her in a loving home. Too many children are abused and neglected.
Get yourself some counseling, let this child grow up loved even if that is without you in her life. Don't continue to torment her by being present at gatherings she is at.
She is not responsible for your husband's death, it was a tragic accident. I am sure she will always feel responsible for it, especially since her mother abandoned her and she must know you blame her.
This anguish is on you, heal yourself and do better as a human.
YTA because this has to be fake. So your kid lost their dad, was abandoned by you, and then you would go over to where she lives, and blatantly ignore her? Why would your sister let you come around knowing how disregulated it would make your child? None of this makes sense.
This is such a complicated scenario and answer. Resentment from day dot, forced into marriage (regardless of if you loved him or not), and not getting answers to your child's behavioural issues, no one would blame you for being frustrated, exhausted and just plain over it. However, from your post it seems like you didn't ever work through the trauma caused by your family dynamics, and focused the entirety of your anger on your daughter because it was the easiest way to rationalise it in your mind. Then, with already low views of her, an incident occured in which your husband passed away because he got his daughter out of the water. Being devil's advocate, I can understand that your grief had to go somewhere. You should have leaned on your support system, gotten therapy, and worked through all the trauma... But instead you gave up on your daughter.
This is why, YTA. A child that will likely grow up developing severe attachment issues, poor relationships and destructive tendencies, and you'll need to accept the roll you played in that becoming the case. You can still turn it around, but only if you heal your own traumas and then focus on any relationship with your Daughter.
YTA Kids aren't as clueless as we make them out to be, she acted up because she could tell you never loved her and she has a right to be mad at you for abandoning her. You have no right to hate her because of your own failures.
I feel sorry for your other kids, god forbid they make a mistake, will you abandon them ? cause you clearly sucked as a parent to begin with. One day your younger kids will find out the full story of why their sister doesn’t live with them and will resent you just the same, something you deserve
She was a difficult child but that doesn’t make her a monster. You are trying to paint her out as a villain to save face but that’s not going to work. Disgusting. Your sister is an angel for clearly being better than you and able to do what you couldn’t.
Our most primal fear, tied to survival, rejection by the parent.
Your daughter could sense your rejection all along. She reacted to that. She always will.
You were a child yourself. It appears you stunted right there and haven't healed or grown since. I hope you will consider therapy. I think you would feel much lighter afterward.
ARPG. This is far above Reddit’s pay grade. You need to switch therapists urgently because the one you have is clearly not working out.
But for what you said… YTA. What you said to her is so mentally devastating. It’s NOT her fault. NONE of it is. She didn’t ask to be born.
YTA you’re blaming a kid for behaving like a kids. There was a tragic accident, your husband got stuck after saving her. It’s not her fault, she didn’t shove the log on him. My god just stay away from her and get some fucking therapy
Hmmm he was stuck and you didn’t notice, you were the adult. You can’t blame a 6 year old for his death. She escaped from your care and then you didn’t act early enough to help your husband. The way I see it both times it was your fault. You can hate your daughter all you want, that’s your choice, but you could have helped him and you didn’t. You were meant to keep her at bay but a 6 year old hitting your breasts was so hard that you couldn’t stop her from entering the water and the also tripped. May be you resented her so much that you were ok with her drowning so you weren’t really trying to stop her but it was your husband who ended up dying. I am sorry but if anyone is AH here that’s you.
YTA
It's horrible to blame a six year old. She never meant to kill her father. She was just being a kid like she's supposed to be. And you called her bratty. Who's fault is it that she was bratty. Kids are not born bratty. They need to be taught properly which you didn't do
I cannot give you judgement, I can only tell you you’re looking for help in the wrong place. You have some deep seated trauma that needs a mental health specialist, not a Reddit forum. Be well.
I know you where young when you had your child and I don’t think your an asshole for parting with your child however what makes you the ass is how you handled your child. You blame a 6 year old child for the death of grown adult who was stuck in the water. She didn’t get him stuck in the first place. And you didn’t treat her very kindly by ignoring her etc. it’s not like she actually did anything. She was 6.
YTA
I was ready to say that just on the title, but reading the rest of it confirms it. Your family are actually very forgiving if they still talk to you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Obvious throwaway account. The topic is a bit heavy.
For starters I’m not perfect. I was a teen mom at 17 years old with my then highschool boyfriend at the time. I came from a religious family and back then it was expected you marry whoever got you pregnant to save face. It wasn’t easy. Eventually me and my husband were able to get a very small place for ourselves in a rural-ish area. It was cheap and that’s all that mattered.
Our daughter was a handful. Tantrums, biting and aggression. We went to multiple doctors who would keep redirecting us again and again. Family members who would say it was either my punishment for premarital sex or that I just needed to be patient as a parent. I’ll be honest that I didn’t want to have her in the first place. I had a tiny bit of resentment in me.
The incident came when our daughter was six years old. Still having aggressive behavior and such. My husband wanted us to go to a river that was close to a farmhouse of his friend’s family. We got permission and set ourselves up near the river. My husband was the only one swimming in. Me and our daughter were on the blanket. Of course she kept kicking, biting, screaming how she hates me and wanted to be in the water too. Obviously I refused.
At some point, she hit me straight on the breasts and when I reeled back, she took off sprinting. I ran after her and tripped. I admit that is my own fault. She ended up headlining herself into the river and I panicked. Long story short, husband went in after her. When he handed her to me I was in so much panic that I didn’t notice he was panicking too from his leg being stuck. I was so focused on our daughter nearly drowning that I didn’t pay enough attention to how he wasn’t getting out the water. I tried to get him out By the time anyone came it was too late.
I remember feeling so much fucking misery after the fact. Eventually it got to the point where everytime I look at her all I saw was a brat responsible for my husband’s death. I knew I couldn’t be a mother like this, confided in my sister and my sister ended up taking her in. I left the family for a while from the shame of being a horrible mother “after being a teen slut”. How my sister was able to handle my daughter better than me, etc.
As of now, I’ve reconnected with my sister and some family but whenever I’m at her house and I see my daughter, I ignore her. I don’t speak, smile with her, nothing. I can’t. I don’t trust her to not be supervised with my kids either. Recently, she screamed at me how she hated me for abandoning her and then acting like she doesn’t exist. I knew I should’ve handled it better but I screamed at her how she was a child from hell and the reason her father wasn’t around anymore. I’m not proud. I’m glad I got it out but I’m not proud.
AITA for giving her up?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. Not only you lost your husband, you probably damaged your daughter for life, before and after your husband's death. It would be a miracle if she doesn't end like you.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I gave up my daughter after the drowning incident because I still fully blame her for what happened 2) I acknowledge that this may make me an asshole, both as a parent and person, because she was only 6 years old and now feels abandoned
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
This isn’t a question for reddit OP, you and your daughter (with your sister’s permission) should both seek therapy because there’s a _lot_ you two need to unpack
Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 5: We do not allow posts which concern violence. This includes any mention of violence in any context.
[Rule 5 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_5.3A_no_violence) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
Posts which discuss minors and sexual content or sexualization of minors are strictly prohibited. "Minor" is defined by this subreddit as anyone under 18.
[Reddit's Content Policy](https://www.reddithelp.com/en/categories/rules-reporting/account-and-community-restrictions/do-not-post-sexual-or-suggestive)||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
I wanted to give her up originally but both our families would have absolutely rained hell on us. I currently attend therapy. As for including my first born, I don’t think I ever could.
You absolutely abandoned your child and came here expecting people to offer sympathy ffs. You chose to have a child and then had more children. no wonder your child hates you. & shame on your sister for allowing you anywhere near your daughter
I did not come here for sympathy. I came here for judgement from people who do not know me personally because then there is no reason to try and sugarcoat anything.
I did not approach her. My sister didn’t bring her to me. She approached us. I always try to make sure I stay out the way of any area she’s in.
Well here’s your judgement YTA X100. I hope your daughter gets some therapy and has a happy life without YOU! You should never be anywhere near her again even if they approach you. Disgusting
Did your late husband want her? You do know it would probably be possible to surrender your rights to your daughter to her father. You do know that the only one who could legally stop an adoption was your daughter's father. You sound like you have always hated her. You DID abandon her and then had shiny new kids who you decided that were worthy of your love.
She doesn’t like her new kids either. She says on another comment that she’s sworn off kids altogether after having them.
Frankly this pisses me off too but I think she is an emotionally unstable and unwell person. The sister shouldn’t have let her around the kid and she shouldn’t be allowed around kids at all. But it might not be her fault she’s messed up.
I know it’s disgusting but if this isn’t rage bait this person is ill.
It took time for him to come around. I was the one trying to convince him how the baby was still our baby and we’ll be a happy family, just have to work harder. I do think he wanted her eventually.
It wasn’t as easy back then in a religious community.
NAH
I don't think you are an asshole for being psychologically damaged, no.
But you do need to heal yourself and stop blaming an innocent child for your pain and you do that by seeking psychological help.
Your rational self has to know that the child has been hurt by this loss as much as you have plus she lost her mother as well.
Blame serves zero purpose, you are both broken.
As the adult here YOU need to take steps to begin healing and you need to start with yourself.
Unfortunately I cant see her as innocent. I know it’s something to work on and I’ve been in therapy for a few years now.
I can’t see her as innocent because of how she was as a child and everything that happened.
Giving your child away was probably the best thing you could have done. You saved both of yourselves from a lot of abuse. It IS hard to be around people you don't like. I'm so sorry about your experience. I know you will always be angry. But please remember, she was just a little girl. And all kids misbehave. NTA
NTA yes she might resent you, but you found the best solution possible. It IS very traumatic what you went through. You could not be a good mother yo her, because you were traumatised, your trauma being tied directly to her. If you would have kept her, she would feel your resentment. Now she might feel resented by you, but also she has the chance to be loved by your sisters family.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 5: We do not allow posts which concern violence. This includes any mention of violence in any context. [Rule 5 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_5.3A_no_violence) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) Posts which discuss minors and sexual content or sexualization of minors are strictly prohibited. "Minor" is defined by this subreddit as anyone under 18. [Reddit's Content Policy](https://www.reddithelp.com/en/categories/rules-reporting/account-and-community-restrictions/do-not-post-sexual-or-suggestive)||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts involving changes to contact levels with friends, family members or acquaintances. This includes ghosting, breaking off, cutting or reducing contact, or denying a relationship (or not) with anyone. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
Well, to be honest, your daughter has a right to feel that she was abandoned because you did abandon her. There’s no way around that. You gave her to your sister because you still blame her for you losing your husband. You’re still grieving and it’s making me wonder if you have gone to therapy for this.
I can admit even years later I’m still grieving. I attend therapy currently and while it helps it doesn’t fix everything
YTA. She was a child. She only knew what you taught her. Blaming her for your husband’s death is both unhealthy and ridiculous. Kids that age rarely know how to process emotions and it doesn’t sound like you have her the tools to do that. The tantrums were a symptom. I think you need to stop going to your sisters house. It’s not okay to show up at the home where your daughter lives and ignore her. If you can’t behave with decency just don’t go. Forcing her to see you and treating her that way is narcissistic as hell.
While therapy doesn’t fix everything, I believe therapy does help people understand themselves better. You need to come to terms that by wanting to reconnect with your sister, you’re going to run into your first child. And with that, you got to make a choice: just be cordial when at your sister’s place or tell your sister to meet you somewhere else without your first child present. Otherwise, you might lose contact with your sister again
Losing contact with my sister did not involve my daughter. I willingly disconnected from the family when they found out I was giving her up. My sister is the one who recommended it. When visiting I try to stay out the way. Normally we talk on the porch or patio where she normally isn’t present, according to my sister
YTA, sounds like you’re the one who failed to keep her out of the water and then failed to get him out, so instead of feeling guilt for your own failures you projected it on her
YTA You lost your husband yes but your six year old daughter lost her father, most likely blames herself for his death and her mother up and abandoned her. You really have the gall to reconnect with your sister and then pretend the child you abandoned doesn't exist? Thank fuck this is rage bait.
I accept my judgement. I don’t have a way of proving that this isn’t bait. Reconnecting with my sister was about keeping her in touch as family, not about seeing my first daughter around.
At this point, just stop calling her your daughter. You abandoned her. You were suppose to be the adult but decided to abandoned your child. You say you aren’t proud of what you said but glad that you got it out. That’s a bit of contradicting statement
Then it's better for you to stay away. Everything in this post is about you. You didn't want a child. You feel traumatised because your husband died. You want your family to be around you. You feel traumatised every time you see your daughter What about your daughter? You abandoned her when her father passed away. You blamed her to her face for everything. And now you traumatise her every time you go there. Stay away from the whole family and let your daughter recover
You shouldn’t be going to your sister’s house at all. It’s not fair to the child you abandoned. Showing up in her home and ignoring her is the behavior of a narcissist. Any decent person would not go at all. Honestly you don’t sound like a person who should be around children at all, and you certainly don’t have a grasp on basic child development. Don’t procreate.
If this isn't bait then you need to get away from your sister and your daughter. She doesn't deserve to be exposed to the mother who abandoned her, ignores her, and apparently, went on to have other kids? On top of all of that you blamed her for her father's death. WTF... YTA a very selfish AH.
There was nothing wrong or abnormal about your daughter. She was reacting in a normal way (that any child would act) to a parent who overtly didn't want her and the resulting attachment issues that caused. Children don't just need their basic needs met, they need nurture, attunement, unconditional love. Children see themselves in the eyes of their caregivers and you saw her as something not wanted, and a mistake. That would be how she perceived herself as a child. You really do have a lot to answer for in your actions. And to blame a 6 year old child for an accident....
I never neglected or ignored her prior to the incident. Yes I was resentful of having to give birth at such a young age, but I didn’t resent her. The behavioral issues were horrid and tiring but I never had hatred until the incident. I went through situations of her biting kids of hurting family pets but never resented her until that day. I accept my judgement.
I see what your saying and I'm sure (and I hope) that this was not intentional on your part. But unfortunately, young children are very astute and aware of the relational connections they have with their caregiver. So even though you may not have explicitly treated her unfairly, your underlying resentment underpins all if your interactions. Ask yourself this, can you honestly say that you loved that child? A secure attachment is based on love, children without secure attachments (or at least any attachment) will be doomed to experience behavioural disturbances and issues, which are often directed at others in general, not just the caregiver. They way you described her behaviour, indicates attachment disturbance. I can't imagine how your daughter must feel ( I also understand that you yourself must be very troubled to have reacted in such a way) but hopefully some of these comments may help you reflect on your actions
Op, you have some deep seeding trauma that needs to be worked on. Please get help, please start seeing a therapist and go from there. Maybe some sort of group grief counseling will help also. I’m sorry you were forced to have the child you did not want. But when the accident occurred, she was a child. It was not her fault.
Seated*
I’ve attended grief counseling before for those in similar situations. As of now I’ve been in therapy for a few years. Even now I can’t see her as not being responsible for his death.
That is your failing, not hers.
I'm guessing you don't feel any personal responsibility for leaving him in the water? it's all her fault?
Your 6 year old daughter didn’t kill your husband. Not anymore than you did. You said yourself that you didn’t notice he was stuck. Do you blame yourself for it? It was a tragic accident and it wasn’t your daughters fault. Poor parenting contributed to her early behavior struggles, it always is. And not only did she lose her father and have her mother abandon her, she now gets the pleasure of watching mom come back with more children, and ignore her existence. I’m not religious but for your sake I really hope Karma isn’t real. I really hope this is rage bait because if not you’re an absolutely disgusting excuse for a human.
I know she didn’t directly kill him. I felt that she caused the situation that killed him. I wrote this in another reply I think. We tried our best at parenting. Always taking the guide and advice from our parents and grandparents. When she hurt or bite other kids/animals we never yelled at her. If she destroyed s book for bedtime stories we just saved up the money to replace it. Her issues started the day she was born, hoping from doctor to doctor trying to get an answer/solution
It’s more common than you’d think to not bond with your child. You were very young and you were forced into marriage and childbirth. That said, you’re now a grown-ass woman and had no right to say that kind of shit to any child, yours or not. YTA.
No matter how I tried bonding with her it never worked. Doctors and family kept recommending all sorts of things like increasing cuddling time, watching shows together, etc but nothing ever came. I accept my judgement
You abandoned your daughter and years later you scream in her face that she’s a child from hell, and you’re glad you got that out there. At a certain point, this stops being believable, unless you are an actual psychopathic monster. You say you’re in therapy but it’s not working. Leave your fucking family alone.
She was 6, it was an accident. You couldn't handle it and abandoned her. Her outburst towards you now is fucking justified. Don't call her daughter, she lost both her parents that day. How do you think she felt losing her dad then abandoned by you? Kids are dumb that's why they need parents. Instead of getting help grieving you just up and left her. You suck, sure what happened was hard on you, it was hard on her too. So yes YTA. I hope she gets help cuz what happened to you was miniscule to happened to her.
I only refer to her as my daughter for the simplicity of the post. I disagree with attempting to compare the pain we both went through. I accept my judgement.
YTA You’re trying to make your child responsible for YOUR trauma. Do everyone a favour. If you can’t apologize and do better, just stay away. You’re going to ruin your daughter’s life. What happened to you was not your fault but as an adult, the healing is on you. Telling your daughter your truth will make you feel better for a short time but eventually you’ll have to deal with this.
Question, after you gave her up you had more kids ?
Not right away. It took time to even know if I ever wanted to have a relationship or kids again. I had 2 more kids years later and then swore off on kids.
You’re sick
[удалено]
Funny how men leave their kids all the time and don't get called heartless monsters...
Nope! I call them heartless monsters too! Anyone who blames a LITERAL 6 year old for a death then abandon them is a monster regardless of gender
Some kids are just evil
YTA. Reading your words has made me sick to my stomach. Blaming a small child for their parent’s accidental death? Ridiculous and cruel. She lost both her parents that day and you are acting like she was an adult murdering someone in cold blood. Her behaviours were hard to deal with but they were age appropriate, especially for a child whose mother didn’t love her, who would have had major attachment issues. Be honest with yourself, you didn’t want her before the incident, your husbands death just gave you what you thought was a fair reason to give her up and have her be the bad guy.
You were probably right to give her up because you are otherwise such a deficient human being that to keep her would have been worse. But everything you did up to that moment is YTA at a level that is hard to fit into words. Why go back? For you. Why blame a six year old? To make yourself feel better. Why is the child who is bad, when your sister could manage her just fine? If you care at all - you will go back to where you came from and stop torturing the rest of them so that you can feel better about the past. Hopefully this is rage bait.
YTA. Kids are exactly how you are describing them. Seems like you are projecting a lot of what happened on to her. By your own admission, you ignored a lot of things. It seems your daughter did better at her aunt's house, again an indication that she was not the problem. Also, you can't blame a 6 year old for behaving exactly how a six year old does. There is a reason they are called minors and need to have adults around them to adult.
Please give therapy a chance if you havent already. The time to give up the child was when she was born. I'm sorry your family didn't present that as an option. I have my opinions but I really don't think it would be kind. If you can get help for yourself and maybe include your daughter, that would be best. Good luck and please take care of yourself.
im gonna be harsh and im not sorry. everything that happens to your daughter, her biting, anger, aggression, it's all your fault, you raised her. for Gods sake, blaming a six-year-old child for the fact that your husband drowned is completely absurd. the probleme here is you gave birth too soon, you werent ready to be a parent, and still you aren’t. leave her alone, she will be better without you anyway
YTA. You abandoned your daughter AND went on to have more kids?! That’s terrible. Go to therapy and handle your shit. You owe your daughter and sister a heartfelt apology for your actions. Your daughter lost her dad at six years old and you just left her and blamed her for his death. Wow. You’re sick.
You did the right thing by not being her parent anymore and allowing another person to hopefully raise her in a loving home. Too many children are abused and neglected. Get yourself some counseling, let this child grow up loved even if that is without you in her life. Don't continue to torment her by being present at gatherings she is at. She is not responsible for your husband's death, it was a tragic accident. I am sure she will always feel responsible for it, especially since her mother abandoned her and she must know you blame her. This anguish is on you, heal yourself and do better as a human.
YTA because this has to be fake. So your kid lost their dad, was abandoned by you, and then you would go over to where she lives, and blatantly ignore her? Why would your sister let you come around knowing how disregulated it would make your child? None of this makes sense.
This is such a complicated scenario and answer. Resentment from day dot, forced into marriage (regardless of if you loved him or not), and not getting answers to your child's behavioural issues, no one would blame you for being frustrated, exhausted and just plain over it. However, from your post it seems like you didn't ever work through the trauma caused by your family dynamics, and focused the entirety of your anger on your daughter because it was the easiest way to rationalise it in your mind. Then, with already low views of her, an incident occured in which your husband passed away because he got his daughter out of the water. Being devil's advocate, I can understand that your grief had to go somewhere. You should have leaned on your support system, gotten therapy, and worked through all the trauma... But instead you gave up on your daughter. This is why, YTA. A child that will likely grow up developing severe attachment issues, poor relationships and destructive tendencies, and you'll need to accept the roll you played in that becoming the case. You can still turn it around, but only if you heal your own traumas and then focus on any relationship with your Daughter.
YTA Kids aren't as clueless as we make them out to be, she acted up because she could tell you never loved her and she has a right to be mad at you for abandoning her. You have no right to hate her because of your own failures.
I feel sorry for your other kids, god forbid they make a mistake, will you abandon them ? cause you clearly sucked as a parent to begin with. One day your younger kids will find out the full story of why their sister doesn’t live with them and will resent you just the same, something you deserve She was a difficult child but that doesn’t make her a monster. You are trying to paint her out as a villain to save face but that’s not going to work. Disgusting. Your sister is an angel for clearly being better than you and able to do what you couldn’t.
Our most primal fear, tied to survival, rejection by the parent. Your daughter could sense your rejection all along. She reacted to that. She always will. You were a child yourself. It appears you stunted right there and haven't healed or grown since. I hope you will consider therapy. I think you would feel much lighter afterward.
YTA for every disgusting word you’ve written here
ARPG. This is far above Reddit’s pay grade. You need to switch therapists urgently because the one you have is clearly not working out. But for what you said… YTA. What you said to her is so mentally devastating. It’s NOT her fault. NONE of it is. She didn’t ask to be born.
YTA you’re blaming a kid for behaving like a kids. There was a tragic accident, your husband got stuck after saving her. It’s not her fault, she didn’t shove the log on him. My god just stay away from her and get some fucking therapy
Hmmm he was stuck and you didn’t notice, you were the adult. You can’t blame a 6 year old for his death. She escaped from your care and then you didn’t act early enough to help your husband. The way I see it both times it was your fault. You can hate your daughter all you want, that’s your choice, but you could have helped him and you didn’t. You were meant to keep her at bay but a 6 year old hitting your breasts was so hard that you couldn’t stop her from entering the water and the also tripped. May be you resented her so much that you were ok with her drowning so you weren’t really trying to stop her but it was your husband who ended up dying. I am sorry but if anyone is AH here that’s you.
YTA It's horrible to blame a six year old. She never meant to kill her father. She was just being a kid like she's supposed to be. And you called her bratty. Who's fault is it that she was bratty. Kids are not born bratty. They need to be taught properly which you didn't do
I'm wondering why the daughter was behaving like this in the first place.
YTA, quite obviously.
You need to see a therapist
I cannot give you judgement, I can only tell you you’re looking for help in the wrong place. You have some deep seated trauma that needs a mental health specialist, not a Reddit forum. Be well.
You can always spot the fake posts by how good the grammar is.
Yeah YTA, she was 6. You sound evil
YTA Super unfortunate, horrible, awful circumstances and chain of events, but she was 6 and you were an adult. She is right, you _did_ abandon her.
Yta. Sounds like more your fault than your daughters.
YTA you are a terrible mother who abandoned her kid. that’s exactly what your husband would have wanted right 👏🏻👏🏻
I know you where young when you had your child and I don’t think your an asshole for parting with your child however what makes you the ass is how you handled your child. You blame a 6 year old child for the death of grown adult who was stuck in the water. She didn’t get him stuck in the first place. And you didn’t treat her very kindly by ignoring her etc. it’s not like she actually did anything. She was 6.
YTA I was ready to say that just on the title, but reading the rest of it confirms it. Your family are actually very forgiving if they still talk to you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Obvious throwaway account. The topic is a bit heavy. For starters I’m not perfect. I was a teen mom at 17 years old with my then highschool boyfriend at the time. I came from a religious family and back then it was expected you marry whoever got you pregnant to save face. It wasn’t easy. Eventually me and my husband were able to get a very small place for ourselves in a rural-ish area. It was cheap and that’s all that mattered. Our daughter was a handful. Tantrums, biting and aggression. We went to multiple doctors who would keep redirecting us again and again. Family members who would say it was either my punishment for premarital sex or that I just needed to be patient as a parent. I’ll be honest that I didn’t want to have her in the first place. I had a tiny bit of resentment in me. The incident came when our daughter was six years old. Still having aggressive behavior and such. My husband wanted us to go to a river that was close to a farmhouse of his friend’s family. We got permission and set ourselves up near the river. My husband was the only one swimming in. Me and our daughter were on the blanket. Of course she kept kicking, biting, screaming how she hates me and wanted to be in the water too. Obviously I refused. At some point, she hit me straight on the breasts and when I reeled back, she took off sprinting. I ran after her and tripped. I admit that is my own fault. She ended up headlining herself into the river and I panicked. Long story short, husband went in after her. When he handed her to me I was in so much panic that I didn’t notice he was panicking too from his leg being stuck. I was so focused on our daughter nearly drowning that I didn’t pay enough attention to how he wasn’t getting out the water. I tried to get him out By the time anyone came it was too late. I remember feeling so much fucking misery after the fact. Eventually it got to the point where everytime I look at her all I saw was a brat responsible for my husband’s death. I knew I couldn’t be a mother like this, confided in my sister and my sister ended up taking her in. I left the family for a while from the shame of being a horrible mother “after being a teen slut”. How my sister was able to handle my daughter better than me, etc. As of now, I’ve reconnected with my sister and some family but whenever I’m at her house and I see my daughter, I ignore her. I don’t speak, smile with her, nothing. I can’t. I don’t trust her to not be supervised with my kids either. Recently, she screamed at me how she hated me for abandoning her and then acting like she doesn’t exist. I knew I should’ve handled it better but I screamed at her how she was a child from hell and the reason her father wasn’t around anymore. I’m not proud. I’m glad I got it out but I’m not proud. AITA for giving her up? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You gotta know YTA, right?
YTA for screaming that at her. The rest is a lot of trauma past anyone one Reddit’s paygrade. Go see a trauma therapist, please.
YTA. Not only you lost your husband, you probably damaged your daughter for life, before and after your husband's death. It would be a miracle if she doesn't end like you.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1) I gave up my daughter after the drowning incident because I still fully blame her for what happened 2) I acknowledge that this may make me an asshole, both as a parent and person, because she was only 6 years old and now feels abandoned Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
This isn’t a question for reddit OP, you and your daughter (with your sister’s permission) should both seek therapy because there’s a _lot_ you two need to unpack
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 5: We do not allow posts which concern violence. This includes any mention of violence in any context. [Rule 5 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_5.3A_no_violence) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) Posts which discuss minors and sexual content or sexualization of minors are strictly prohibited. "Minor" is defined by this subreddit as anyone under 18. [Reddit's Content Policy](https://www.reddithelp.com/en/categories/rules-reporting/account-and-community-restrictions/do-not-post-sexual-or-suggestive)||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
OP this is above our pay grade. There is deep trauma here. This is for the professionals.
I wanted to give her up originally but both our families would have absolutely rained hell on us. I currently attend therapy. As for including my first born, I don’t think I ever could.
You absolutely abandoned your child and came here expecting people to offer sympathy ffs. You chose to have a child and then had more children. no wonder your child hates you. & shame on your sister for allowing you anywhere near your daughter
I did not come here for sympathy. I came here for judgement from people who do not know me personally because then there is no reason to try and sugarcoat anything. I did not approach her. My sister didn’t bring her to me. She approached us. I always try to make sure I stay out the way of any area she’s in.
Well here’s your judgement YTA X100. I hope your daughter gets some therapy and has a happy life without YOU! You should never be anywhere near her again even if they approach you. Disgusting
You were wrong completely in this situation but you're not a horrible person like some people here are saying you are 💓
Oh, so you’re a *spineless* asshole. Got it. You rained hell upon your daughter. I hope you received it back in kind.
I disagree that I rained hell onto my daughter. I accept my judgement.
Did your late husband want her? You do know it would probably be possible to surrender your rights to your daughter to her father. You do know that the only one who could legally stop an adoption was your daughter's father. You sound like you have always hated her. You DID abandon her and then had shiny new kids who you decided that were worthy of your love.
She doesn’t like her new kids either. She says on another comment that she’s sworn off kids altogether after having them. Frankly this pisses me off too but I think she is an emotionally unstable and unwell person. The sister shouldn’t have let her around the kid and she shouldn’t be allowed around kids at all. But it might not be her fault she’s messed up. I know it’s disgusting but if this isn’t rage bait this person is ill.
It took time for him to come around. I was the one trying to convince him how the baby was still our baby and we’ll be a happy family, just have to work harder. I do think he wanted her eventually. It wasn’t as easy back then in a religious community.
How olds your daughter now?
23
NAH I don't think you are an asshole for being psychologically damaged, no. But you do need to heal yourself and stop blaming an innocent child for your pain and you do that by seeking psychological help. Your rational self has to know that the child has been hurt by this loss as much as you have plus she lost her mother as well. Blame serves zero purpose, you are both broken. As the adult here YOU need to take steps to begin healing and you need to start with yourself.
Unfortunately I cant see her as innocent. I know it’s something to work on and I’ve been in therapy for a few years now. I can’t see her as innocent because of how she was as a child and everything that happened.
Giving your child away was probably the best thing you could have done. You saved both of yourselves from a lot of abuse. It IS hard to be around people you don't like. I'm so sorry about your experience. I know you will always be angry. But please remember, she was just a little girl. And all kids misbehave. NTA
NTA yes she might resent you, but you found the best solution possible. It IS very traumatic what you went through. You could not be a good mother yo her, because you were traumatised, your trauma being tied directly to her. If you would have kept her, she would feel your resentment. Now she might feel resented by you, but also she has the chance to be loved by your sisters family.