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INFO: maybe I’m missing it, but why does Caleb see this as you preventing him from going? You staying home with the kids is not the same as saying he can’t go.

He also wanted the OP to pay for his ticket.

This, he doesn't want to use his own money. The way it's going this could be going a while. How many plane tickets does she have to pay for ?

he is a stay at home parent, where is his money coming from if not OP? Edit: she said this in a separate comment, stop replying to me saying that it's not in the post or I made it up.

I missed that part. But not the $20,000 they have spent on going there already many times.

I get it, it's a lot of money even for people who are comfortable financially like OP is. But all I'm going to say is that if his grandmother (who in this instance is equivalent to his mother who raised him) dies next time this happens, he's never going to forget this and it's probably going to leave a *huge* stain on their relationship. It'll be tough for him to not blame op for not getting to see her before that happens. OP kind of has to decide whether she's willing to go through that because it is a possibility in the future.

Here's a hypothetical, what happens if this happens 5 or 6 more times and they put themselves in a situation where they financially can not afford to go again for a while without losing a house or car? Who's the one to blame if that happens and then she actually does die when they literally can not afford it? I don't know how much op is bringing in and maybe I'm just extra poor but it doesn't seem financially feasible to spend 6k every couple of months. At some point it's okay to say, well go next time hopefully this will be like last time and she'll be okay. Otherwise you risk not being able to go all together for a bit. It's also important to remember video calls exist. It's smarter to sometimes chose the constant video calls from home that way your finances don't take a hit every single time.

I mean this is kind of what happens when you live in another continent from family. I couldn't afford to attend my aunt's or grandmother's funerals despite being close to them. My mom got to see her father before he passed, but had to miss the funeral. And that's not even getting into the many many people who can't afford to visit family, or who literally can't leave the country without jeopardizing their immigration status (eg asylum seekers). It sucks but at least we have video calls, and aren't solely reliant on very expensive international calls or sending letters or just. Literally never hearing from family again.

>I mean this is kind of what happens when you live in another continent from family. This is the thing, I don't think there are easy answers to this situation. My grandmother is not well at the moment, with a terminal diagnosis but she's strong as bricks so at the moment she's doing pretty well. My uncle moved to Thailand with his wife fifteen years or so ago to be near her parents, and what he's decided to do is basically move back to the UK to live with his mum so he's definitely here for the next however long and if she suddenly needs him. His MIL is also not well so his wife is still in Thailand with her, they've basically gone long-distance for as long as they need to to be with their mothers. I can't really imagine the strength of will to be there for an ill parent without the support of your spouse, let alone to living apart from them for one to two years. I can't imagine it was an easy decision, but I can see how something like that can still shake out to be the best decision given the immovable objects of the situation like travel cost and obligations at home. Idk, like I said, the opposite of easy decision to make but maybe another option OP's husband and OP could put on the table is him going to live with his grandmother for a bit, although I imagine children and childcare in the equation would constitute another immovable object that might well make that impossible. Easy for me to say from the other side of a computer screen but I think they need to have a proper conversation about this some time when it's *not* right after a heart-attack to work out which of a hard set of options they can both live with.

Also they probably need to save money for all of them to fly over there for the funeral when she eventually dies. I think at this point she needs to sit her husband down and do the maths with him so he can clearly see they can't afford all these trips.

I’m just going to piggy back to add, healthy people don’t have heart attacks every couple of months. One of these will be the last. I would say NAH, i understand OP, and I don’t think OP should have to fund the trip every time, and I think it’s a healthy boundary that OP set. I also don’t think OP’s husband is deliberately taking advantage, I don’t believe they book flights every time to plot a vacay, I believe they genuinely think this could be the last time they see someone incredibly important to them. I wish I had a solution to offer, I see both sides how this is taxing on OP, and how important it is for OP’s husband to be able to say goodbye one last time.

The problem I have with this relationship is how they don't work together to figure out budgets. The easiest solution would be to make room in the budget for him alone to travel. If/when she does pass away, try to budget for the wife and kids to join him for the funeral. Seems like posts like these are often caused by one partner controlling the budget rather than a partnership.

But OP *DID* tell her husband to travel himself and he wasn't haven't it.

He "wasn't having it" because he's a SAHD, OP controls the finances, and she isn't giving him money to buy a ticket for himself.

Yeah, I didn’t realize quite how controlling she was being until I read more comments after I posted, I even considered editing to add that. If he stays at home full time doing child care there needs to be a serious conversation around how to work this into the budget.

Comfortable can mean a lot of things. We're comfortable in that we can afford our bills without question, have an emergency fund that covers all bills for so much time, etc. But we also worked to make sure our bills are very low. Our mortgage with insurance and taxes is under $1000. The $20k they've spent going would be almost two years of mortgage payments. The idea that the whole family and all the kids are going to travel internationally 5 or 6 times a year is untenable. If the husband must be there, he should go, and stay with the grandparents until its time to return. You must also consider that the grandfather is likely similarly aged. Is the entire family to fly internationally in a similar manner? If none of that works out for him, or OP then maybe their relationship isn't meant to survive the ordeal. The situation needs to be, at some point, tempered with reason.

And I can’t imagine doing all this with three kids under 8. I know OP is worried about the financial side of things but tell me this isn’t putting a ton of strain on everyone.

yeah, I feel comfortable too, but 2 $6000 trips would eat all my savings & all my time off.

While it’d be terrible if Marie passed on one of the trips Caleb had to skip, that’s one of the things that happen when you move faraway from home. Marie could go back and forth like this for *years,* and your average family can’t handle that kind of financial strain. I used to work for the guest relations department at an airline, and there was this one situation that stuck with me. Guy had flown across continents on 30+ hours journey four times (two round trips) in three months because his father looked like he was going to pass away, then got a little better. He went home and a few weeks later, his situation got worse again. Again the father got better, and he went home. Days after he landed, his father passed. He emailed the airline begging for a discount, because he has to make it home but can’t afford a third trip. I felt terrible that I couldn’t help him, but this is one of the things that I myself have had to accept because I’ve chosen to live so far away from home.

He needs to go on his own though. If she can't take time off work, she just can't go. Even quite wealthy people cannot afford to both lose their job and keep forking out this kind of money.

> But all I'm going to say is that if his grandmother (who in this instance is equivalent to his mother who raised him) dies next time this happens, he's never going to forget this and it's probably going to leave a huge stain on their relationship And if he insists on going for every 'false alarm' and the money simply is not there for the final 'real one'? I personally think this is a NAH situation - I can't blame him for grieving and worrying and I can't blame the OP for saying that regardless the money ain't there.

I want to know how old the kids are and if they go to school. He could find a remote job

Yeah we don’t know his background or education. Most remote jobs are temporary with the constant outsourcing to foreign call centers or are just scams. The kids could go to pre-k and first grade and daycare. Dad keeps disappearing so it’ll be better to get them in school, a child care co-op, and an after-school program. Dad needs a job if he’s not going to stay home.

I reread OP’s post and can’t find anything that states she’s the sole earner and he’s a stay-at-home parent. She says main earner, which to me means she contributes the majority of income to the family budget. As far as I can tell, definitely NTA. That’s a huge repeating expense, and it seems very reasonable and even necessary to ask him to go alone. I don’t understand why that would translate in his mind to you “not letting him” visit is grandmother.

it's in another comment she wrote, so yes he's definitely a sahd, and is why when she says he can buy a ticket with his own money, it's kind of a slap in the face.

For me that’s where OP is TA. I think it’s completely fine to say that the family won’t go and he has to go on his own but if he’s a SAH dad with no income she is basically  not allowing him to go whatever she says. I get that money’s a problem but if it’s really that bad they should have sat down before now and agreed that if the family stop going then they can pay for more trips for the husband.

As many as it takes. The family moved for her career (no offense to Canada, but I don't buy that quality of life there is better than Germany for children), and it sounds like he may have given up his job. I understand not wanting to travel with the whole family, but paying for his ticket, since he has little income, is the least she can do.

Her income is their money. Just like his.

He is unable financially to buy a ticket on his own. He is a SAHD who occasionally does side jobs but not enough to buy a ticket. By telling him I’m not buying his ticket, he essentially cannot go which is why I am conflicted.

You should both have personal spending money you can have and spend as you choose in your own accounts. Depending on how much you make and the family expenses are, it might not be a lot. It might be not be enough for him to buy repeat tickets. But if he has no money because he is a stay at home dad, that is a problem. Even more so if you do have control of the money and he does not. You should not have more control over finances just because you work outside the home and he works in the home. There should be an agreement about how much you need to save, and how much you each have to spend as you choose. This is also a separate conversation from whether it's okay to keep leaving the country and going internationally when you have a family and are the primary parent caregiver. Which is a valid concern.

This. 1) give him money **for his own personal use** from every one of your paychecks. 2) if you can afford a single round-trip ticket for him then you should pay it. 3) you should have put a stop to the *whole family* going after the second time. You have all visited enough for a decade. That's on you two for not communicating and not being able to navigate big emotions. That's a series of real conversations you two should have, listening to each other and empathizing. 4) YTA for not offering to buy a single round trip ticket. I also suspect that these emergencies are, in part, a grief loop for your husband and his grandparents. Your move changed what seems like a close, loving dynamic. Not that she's faking it but that there's a sense of urgency, emergency and fear because he can't just go check on her. Maybe this move isn't working for him at all. Or his grandparents. Something to look at, really,

How many more times does he get round trip airfare to another country if this keeps happening?

However many times his part of the household budget can stretch it.

So, now? Literally right now. They've spent 30k in the last year on this. That's insane.

I don't know, they'd have to sit down and budget how much his personal part of the household budget is first. Which they haven't done.

If you count the huge sum already spent I'm confident it covers his "personal part of the household budget" and then some. The husband is being selfish. He's taking money that should be supporting his family over and over again. This money is burned. Gone. It's not benefiting his kids and giving them a good life, enriching experiences, or a family vacation not centered around death. Nor is it being saved for their future needs. 30k is enough to cover a wedding for one of their children someday. Or a good chunk of college. Or help getting a first car or house. There's a point where you have to quit stealing from your children's future for the 7th false alarm and that point is now.

That’s why the consensus is that op and kids stop travelling, but let the husband go and visit his dying grandmother. One of these false alarms isn’t going to be false, and if the husband misses it he’s going to be furious and probably won’t forgive op for effectively preventing him from seeing his grandmother for the last time

Exactly. With no idea of their budget (or the balance of their frequent flier accounts) there's no way to know what can be done. How much is it worth to stand witness as your loved one passes?

Very insightful! These are essentially his parents, but as elders much more vulnerable than parents. And hard agree the stay at home caregiver parent should have some money.

This has happened enough times now where they should’ve discussed the logistics in a calm manner. Unless he has been avoiding the subject they both suck because he’s not being rational and op is keeping him from potentially seeing his grandmother

Thanks, u/Irish_Whiskey! Well said!

Yes, both u/irish_whisky! And u/poesbutler have said it very well. My concern is if your husband is not receiving an allowance every paycheque for his ownindependent spending, then really he’s living with a case of financial abuse going on. If you guys are not able to sit down and have a rational, meaningful discussion around finances and spending, you need to get into couples therapy immediately to have these discussions. There’s nothing worse than being fully dependent on another human being for all your financial needs without having a say. It is perfectly reasonable to say the family is not all going to go, but at this point, you should have been buying your husband, his own ticket home.

Genuinely curious because I’m a stay at home mom but what if money is so tight that you can’t afford to take out an allowance every paycheck for your partner? The money covered all the bills and the food with very little left over. What should a partnership do in that situation?

You both decide together what happens with the “very little left over” Does it go evenly into each of your personal accounts one check, into joint savings the next, into family fun money the next, and into emergency savings the fourth paycheck? Those I would say are the big groups but you two may have different lists. Do you make one of those others a higher priority, say half emergency savings and the other half cycles between the other three groups each time? Is something else more important like paying down a high interest debt? If you can’t afford to make as much space in your budget for fun money for both of you every time, you should try to do it some of the time and at least decide what is happening with that left over bit together.

Right so could you imagine that they do have two separate accounts and he has completely drained his on these trips now but he has decided to start draining hers as well. To imagine this we would have to consider who paid for the first 4 trips, if he paid for his out of his account and her hers out of her account who paid for the kids? Even if they had two separate accounts it would still be the same situation considering they’ve already spent 18-20k.

That depends entirely on how much money they make. OP said that they can't afford more trips, so taking that at face value yes, I wouldn't expect the situation to be radically different if they already had the accounts. Although that makes a lot of assumptions about whether he would have saved over multiple years and how the money got spent otherwise. But even if separate accounts wouldn't solve the issue of being able to afford flights over and over, it could solve the issue where he feels a lack of agency and control and is blaming her for 'stopping' him from going. Having a spouse who stops you from seeing a dying family member because they control the money, is a problem in itself, even if sharing responsibility and access wouldn't fix the affordability.

Also, husband moved to a different country to support his wife's career and care for their family. He may not be legally able to work in the country on a consistent basis... Nevermind that he doesn't have the time while caring for the kids. OP needs to provide husband with spending money and discuss how he will pay for a ticket home the next time a family member is sick, otherwise this situation is clear financial abuse. I am disgusted that OP told their husband that he should buy his own ticket when she stripped him of his earning potential.

Does he receive any personal money from your paycheck that he has the chance to save up each month? I’m not saying you’re TA but he works taking care of your kids full time, he should have access to the household money and the ability to save up for things on his own. If he has no money from your household money that is earmarked as “his” vs “yours” I would say YTA for not being willing to pay for his ticket. But you definitely don’t need to go and take the kids with you. That’s expensive!

I'm assuming that him being a SAHD was something that you both agreed on, not something that he decided on his own. That being said, all the money that you bring in would be considered joint funds. Do you deny him access to joint funds for other things? His reaction was over the top, but I can understand it. YTA

Uh you realize she's spent about 20k just going back and forth and using up every bit of PTO for all this? What is she supposed to do for the money? She's the only one with a steady income...

But why turn each of these trips into a vacation for the entire family? Just let him go alone for a week and see his grandmother. It’s cheaper and faster and no pulling the kids out of school. My FIL was sick 3 times in one year. My husband flew alone stayed a very short time to spend time with him and came home. A week at most and 10 days for the funeral with our kids for the 4th trip.

The elephant in the room is how they’re going to handle the entire family making the trip for the funeral. If the main breadwinner is already out of PTO and the family has spent upwards of 20k making sure everyone went on previous trips, it probably won’t be easy. This is a really hard place to be in. I recently lost a grandparent and it was stressful enough being only a few hours’ drive away, with generous paid leave. But it sounds like spending on previous trips has caused money issues. Since they didn’t address it before so they could plan for whatever came next, they’ll have to figure it out now, when stress and emotions are high.

And how much would she be spending on child care if he wasn't a SAHD? I'm not saying that it isn't expensive to travel, but they moved away from his family for her job. Telling him that he has to pay for his own ticket, while knowing that he doesn't have an income is cruel. 

She's not saying he can't go, but she's the only one supporting 5 people here. 20k in the span of few months, she hasn't had any way of making that money back yet. She's obviously struggling from the sounds of the post. The money used could've been their emergency fund, we don't know. And whatever they have left may need to be saved for the funeral. But how is she going to save if the expenses piled up before financial recovery?

> I don’t know what to do. We are comfortable, but can’t afford to take plane trips every few months for who knows how long. They way op described it, she made it sound like they cannot afford for her to take off work and go as an entire family. But she never said they can't afford for him to go alone.  If it is the case that they actually can't afford it, it should be discussed together. She shouldn't be telling him he would have to buy his own ticket (when she knows he relies on her income and is a sahd) and she shouldn't be solely in control of their finances. 

She does comment saying she won't pay for a ticket for him alone m, knowing he cannot afford it himself bc he only works here and there. Some havw voiced their worry in that regarding financial abuse.

Except she did say that. Referring to her comments, she said he could go if he could buy his own ticket. But, she's feeling bad about that now bc he's a sahd & doesn't have the money to do so. They moved to Canada for her career & this man has no access to funds beyond an odd job here & there. She controls eVeRyThInG. All the finances, no joint accounts & it's okay, bc she's a woman??? Gtfo

They've already gone multiple times though. > And how much would she be spending on child care if he wasn't a SAHD? Who would pay for his whole lifestyle and all these flights if she wasn't working? This goes both ways.

They moved for *her* job - there would be no flights if he hadn’t supported her career, and he wouldn’t have moved away from a place he presumably already had job prospects and spoke the language.

I didn't dispute that. I said it's a two-way street. They're a team. He made the choice to move and so I'm respecting his agency as a fully adult human. Part of his choice means living apart, and after the Nth false alarm you can't keep siphoning off money that should be supporting his family and children to flit back to Germany every time his sickly relative has **another** spook.

Part of her choice to ask her partner to move continents is that she owes him massively when it comes to things he would still have if he hadn’t made a huge sacrifice for her. Frankly, this is why sacrificing for your partner is usually a sucker’s bet. He does all this for her and she’s like “well why don’t you make YOUR OWN MONEY, man who raises my children for free?” He could have said no, kept primary custody of the children, and be near his dying relatives without being financially abused.

This family lived in Germany for an entire summer. Then they went again in October. Then in January. Then in March. (And they'd have done it again for a false alarm for April if she'd allowed it.) It's 5-6k in airfare each time, plus accommodations which isn't specified but can't be cheap. So that's $24k in airfare alone in less than a year. A whole summer abroad plus three shorter trips is probably another 20k minimum. If the wife is financially abusing the husband she's really bad at it.

"she's spent"?? They've spent, it's both their money.

they've already spent 20k going back and forth. she is absolutely not an asshole here.

Because she obviously believes either they all go or no one goes. She is also the asshole acting like she has final say over their JOINT money also. Even in the eyes of the courts that money is half his.

What?? She spent so much for the tickets, where is she supposed to get all the money from? I was a SAHM for 10 years and I would have never dared to be mad because my exhusband couldn't afford something. That's just insane.

Uhhh I was gonna say N T A but this doesn’t sit right with me. If he’s a SAHD at least pay for HIS ticket (or at least op up what he can’t afford), surely that wouldn’t put such a dent in your finances as paying for the whole family to go. I know it’s not ideal, but this is what you sign up for when you move far away - I know because I did the same thing, albeit not an entire ocean away. He might never forgive you if next time is the time she passes and you didn’t think it was worth your money for him to go. Is that really worth however much money you’re saving. It would be different if you *absolutely* couldn’t afford to help, but it doesn’t sound like it tbh…

It wouldn't put a dent in the same way that paying for the whole family to go would be, but they've already spent 18-20k in travel in the span of 6ish months. Unless OP is making mad money, in a single income house this isn't something just scoff at. Hell, I make decent money and that's still a little over 1/4 of my annual salary. I couldn't imagine dropping that much on travel and I don't even have any dependents. I feel like this is still an info verdict. We don't know how much she makes, how much if any allowances or fun money he gets, where the trip money comes from, whether she can work if the dad is gone due to the children etc.

If he was the woman in this scenario you would be lectured that you are financially abusing your partner.  He is your partner and y’all are a team, so why do you and you alone get to decide how the family’s money (paychecks coming in regardless of which one of you earned it) is spent?

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I live alone, no kids, have no debt, and I make a good living. Spending $18k in a year's time, along with time off, wouldn't be financially feasible for me. Without knowing how much money the OP makes, along with any debt and ongoing living expenses, it is hard to say whether this is financially viable for them. It wouldn't be for many people.

Yeah, 18k and all my PTO would break me. It does sound like they need to discuss their his/her fiances a bit more but I don't blame her for being tapped out.

You don't typically get a job offer amd move overseas for peanuts.

And some people can. She said "we are comfortable" which could mean a wide range of incomes. Honestly if someone is willing and able to drop $20k on travel in a short time I have a hard time believing that $1k is now going to be what drives them into bankruptcy.

But op *could* drop that much in a short amount of time. Either way, she shouldn't be solely in control of their finances and banning him from spending money to see his ill grandmother/mother. It should be a joint decision that he is involved in.

because they've already spent 20k on this? they can't afford to tap into family funds anymore. 

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it's a true reddit moment reading these replies, I tell you. only reddit would accuse you of financial abuse after spending 20k dollars flying to a different country four times in one year, but God forbid you say no the fifth. suddenly *you're* the monster. 🙄 it's so ridiculous 

That's a good reason for him not to go. However in a single income earner household, the income earner doesn't get to dictate how the SAH spouse can and cannot spend the income like that. You can be financially abusive *and* be correct at the same time.

spending 20k in less than one year, and putting your family life on hold four separate times for your spouse, is not financial abuse.

This was exactly my point!  “It’s a true reddit moment” that this type of nuance is completely lost on so many of these responses

Which is why the whole family no longer needs to go. But the direct relative who will be impacted the most by this loss should still be permitted to go if they can afford it. 

and, he can use the money from his side jobs to fund it. it's not as simple as just buying him a damn ticket. he would need money for accommodation. they would need to hire child care since op is out of vacation time. it would barely be less expensive than if they all went again! how many more false alarms are they supposed to attend? he has said his goodbyes four times. he has a family he needs to put first. op was quite clear, they cannot fund this anymore. 

> He is your partner and y’all are a team, so why do you and you alone get to decide how the family’s money (paychecks coming in regardless of which one of you earned it) is spent? I don't think OP is being malicious. OP accommodated the earlier emergencies and the whole family went over because they thought nanna was dying. This happened multiple times. OP is now financially tapped out. I can't even blame this on poor decision making. After all, they thought nana was dying. Now that OP has come to the end of her financial rope, the thing to do is sit down as a couple and make a plan for what happens going on out. OP can't create money out of thin air. Both have to figure out how to make things work. NAH

it's five to six grand everytime this happens. you've spent almost 20k on this. I get its his grandmother who raised him, but come on. he can't expect you to keep shelling out forever. 

$20k in the past 6 months. They’ve easily spent $30k in the past year once you count in the 3 months or so last summer. And those are conservative estimates. Thats a shit ton of money and this dude doesn’t seem to be comprehending that and seems to have zero plans on how to continue affording this because this obviously won’t be the last time. ***Thats*** what the discussion needs to be about. He cannot keep pulling his kids out of school and spending $10k per trip every 2 months. That is going to bankrupt the family and put the kids so far behind in school it’s gonna be hell to catch up.

How many more trips is he planning on making. I get he is in a grief loop with every phone call and probably isn't thinking straight but he is going to make his family bankrupt with all these trips. If hubby and I had that sort of money we could have a house deposit, hell we can't even afford that trip once. I'm a SAHM, and I would have said no more after the second trip was brought up. If I were OP, I would have said basically what she has said now back then and that if hubby wanted the support, I would bring the children over for the funeral when she does pass, but not before.

Yup. My FIL spent a solid year in and out of the hospital before he died. Luckily we only had to drive a few hours to see him, but it went from every three months to every two to every month then every other week. These 'come say goodbye' trips could last another solid year, getting closer and closer together.

Except for one thing: when you’re married, it’s not “my” money, it’s Our money. Same as if it’s a traditional SAHM and working dad.

Then YTA. If the does not have the same financial freedom that you have because he is a SAHD, then you two need to sort that out. Immediately. In the meantime, you -the controller of the purse strings - straight up said "no, you can't go, I am not paying for a ticket." That's messed up.

she's spent 20k on these trips already. not allowing her family to go destitute doesn't make her an asshole or guilty of financial abuse. the fact she's spent so much money already quite clearly makes it the opposite. you people need to use your heads and see beyond the 'stay at home dad' part and remember how many times they've already flown out there in the last nine months alone.

They spent*

Clearly he does have the same financial freedom if $20k has been spent on this specific scenario in the past 6 months alone, plus at least $10k more in the past year so a minimum of $30k in a single year travelling internationally. Thats a hell of a lot of money. Saying they or even I, can no longer afford it and he needs to find a way to come up with that money is not financial abuse. Continuously taking your children out of school and spends tens of thousands on dollars with no regard as to the effect on anything else but what you want is pretty crazy tho.

It sounds like OP has finally woken up to the reality of what they've been doing to their family's future. I don't see how a mother putting her children first is financial abuse. If she doesn't put an end to the madness, who will? Clearly he won't.

Does he have any personal money from the household budget or just what he can get from odd jobs? If the household income is not providing the SAHP with any personal money. It is a financially abusive household.

So he's a SAH parent but you're controlling the finances. Hmm. There's a term for that.

If he ends up needing to work because they've gone broke saying goodbye tons of times it'll be a non issue I guess lol

That may be a conversation they need to have. However, you don't get to have separate finances in a relationship where one spouse is a SAH parent to children. The working spouse unilaterally dictating to the SAH how the income will be spent is *textbook* financial abuse.

Fair enough but I think that also applies to unilaterally deciding on multiple overseas trips regardless of the reasons.

Your husbands needs his own savings, personal spending money. Ramit Sethi recommended that a percentage of the main income earner's paycheck goes to the stay at home parents (about 10%).

I'm old fashioned, so I completely fail to understand this whole "my money" and "his money" thing in a marriage. Be that as it may, you absolutely are TA for not owning up to the fact that you *are* in fact preventing him from going. And you know that, which is why you're asking here for forgiveness for doing so. It's completely reasonable for the whole family not to go each time given the history, but it's crazy not to let him go, unless doing so is going to cause significant financial hardship for the family. Given the history, one possible compromise would be to tell the family that it's not really feasible for him to fly over every time her health takes a turn, but that he'll be flying over at least once more in the next couple of months to spend time with her while she's feeling better, say what needs to be said, etc.

Yeah I think you guys need a discussion on what will happen when this occurs again and again. It's sad she's sick but afik everyone dies eventually and going bankrupt saying goodbye for the twelfth time (exaggerating obviously) is only going to harm your marriage as well as your finances 

This is going to keep happening. If he wants to go he is going to have to get a job to fund his own travel. NTA

Mmmm it’s known that the “stay at home” parent has access to the household money, and that each partner equally gets a share of personal money from that. It’s messed up to lord it over a sahd (or mom) that they aren’t the one making the money, because they are obviously contributing to the household in non-monetary ways. This should have been a “let’s talk about finances” conversation, not a “the money is mine and im not paying for that” conversation. Idk your situation but that’s how financial abuse manifests. Don’t be that gal.

I swear to fucking God, no one on reddit can use their fucking heads. she had spent 20k flying their family out there four times in the last nine months! stop accusing her of financial abuse because she won't pay for another god damn plane ticket. she has to think about her kids at some point people. use your fucking heads. NTA.

Right? She also literally said that they can't afford any more plane tickets, like right there in the post. I kind of think that this is a N A H situation, except for the fact that the husband called her all kinds of names, which changed my judgement to NTA. Hopefully, this can be a wakeup call; OP's husband has a right to be upset, but not to verbally attack his wife. They should maybe get some counseling and consider putting aside money for him to go visit the next time that he needs to.

I really want to live in the world a lot of these commenters do, where people's spouses can apparently just pull $5K out of their ass at will. Must be nice.

Seriously I don’t gaf how many digestive problems that would give me, I would take pulling 5K out of my ass at will any day of the week.

If she phrased the reasoning as “we cannot afford to constantly spend this money, we simply cannot afford the $20k in flights this has cost us … etc etc” then this would be completely different. She phrased it by saying he would have to pay for it himself knowing good and well he doesn’t have a job and is a SAHD. Given this is Reddit we can pull the old reverse the genders and then tell the SAHM she needs to pay for her own things, it would get obliterated.

yes, because reddit cannot use critical thinking skills. he does side jobs. he has money. he's not a child who needs the facts spelled out for him. the fact that she's even willing to let him go at all is more than generous, considering she would have to pay for child support while he was gone, because she has used all her vacation time already. if redditors could look at anything logically, the wouldn't be giving op shit at all.

But it’s not just affording the plane ticket for him. It’s the cost of the ticket. Plus child care while he’s gone, since he’s a SAHD and she’s used up a lot of PTO for previous trips. Not to mention the real possibility of needing to pay another $5-6 K for the entire family’s flights and accommodations to travel to a funeral in the not-too-distant future.

That’s the thing I keep seeing being missed. He is the SAHP, OP is the breadwinner and has used all of her PTO covering these trips. They cannot cover childcare plus flight time and again. If Op loses her job then they can’t afford any flight or anything else. Unless her employer allows WFH for this emergency then there are few options short of paying for childcare and how many times can they afford that? If her employer does allow WFH for this or is understanding that this is a family emergency, they won’t always be so supportive if this keeps happening. Plus it’s not fair to keep dragging kids to say goodbye then having to do the same again every other month. I’d say they need to talk to the grandparents and explain they can’t keep funding this. They have been lucky enough to afford it so far- I’m currently in the same boat as my GFIL is very ill and my partner and I just funded the third emergency trip this year for his mum to rush over from Spain to the Uk which is much cheaper and shorter flight than Canada to Germany but there is a limit to what we can afford as well. I know doctors err on the side of caution but when rushing to someone’s death bed involves international flights then it’s very difficult to justify the expense every time. You can’t get blood from a stone.

But “we don’t have the money to afford this” and “I can’t afford this, but if you buy your own ticket feel free to go” are the same thing. Yes, it is better for the primary breadwinner to consider and express their salary as both partners’ money, and yes, “we can’t afford it” sounds better than “I can’t afford it” but fundamentally they are saying the same thing. Edit: clarity

Yeah whenever there is a SAHP involved, people stop using their brains. They have to become extreme about it and either call them completely lazy or demand that the breadwinner bankrupt themselves just to make the SAHP happy. There is no in between on reddit. Where is she supposed to get all the money from?

It's a lot of money! My gma was the same. We were told she was going to pass. I had no time off and limited funds. I talked with my family and they basically said "come see her now or come for her funeral" I chose to visit while she still was coherent. Nobody held any resentment against me not coming for the funeral as I had used all of my time and money to visit her for a week. She ended up passing a week after I left. Sometimes these decisions have to be made. All that flying back and forth could have accumulated some miles to use for flights.

I went (far, similar to OP) abroad for a semester and my grandma wasn't doing well, so my mom had the conversation with me about what I would want to do if she passed. She died 10 years later, after being in and out of the special room the residence had for end stage palliative care multiple times. It's a tough rollercoaster to ride...

Agreed, at this point it'd be a better financial decision to just put grandma down.

THANK YOU! And why the hell hasn’t the husband tried to get some form of income to help save up for these expensive ass tickets?! Selfish as hell to keep expecting this of his wife, let alone having his children present for all these “final goodbye’s”. He needs to get his head out of his ass.

NTA but damn... a tumour and 4 heart attacks in a year and still kicking it, what are they giving that woman

Nationalized health care.

Socialist practices strike again!

And yet everyone is happy and no one is being squashed by medical debt for the basic need of medical care…

Oh the humanity!

My thoughts exactly. And if he is 34, his grandmother must be like 80-90.

If Marie makes it to the hospital with an acute issue like a heart attack and lives long enough for OP’s family to fly out and see her, she’s pretty likely to recover. It’s more likely if an acute issue gets her like a heart attack, she’ll pass long before OP’s family could arrive anyway and likely won’t even make it to the hospital. 

Info: >he would have to buy his own plane ticket (I am the main income earner). Is he a SAHD?

This. Does he work and have an income?

OP commented on another thread that he's a SAHD and has no income of his own - essentially, by OP saying she won't buy him a ticket, she's saying he can't go.

He can get a job in the evenings if he needs money above what she's contributing.

True - but taking care of a family and a home is a full-time job as well. If he's doing that, he should not be expected to have to get a job to have money to spend. Both parties are working hard to make sure their family is well taken care of.

Fair, but they have also spent 20k already. Thats a lot of money

They've spent 20k, if it's no longer in the household budget then the person who wants something needs to figure out how to make it happen.

Women work and take care of households all the time. Why can’t he get a part time job ?

Not only that he quit his job in Germany because of her career, and now apparently the dude is expected to raise 3 kids and run the household and get his own damn money. This is so batshit crazy, like I m sure he s super happy with agreeing to that move fml

She already bought him TWENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS worth of plane tickets. It’s not like she denied him the first four times. That’s a lot of money, she’s the only one with a job, and they still have kids to raise and financially support after all of this is over.

I’m conflicted. I left my career during Covid and am now home with the kids. That makes my partner the sole earner in our family. However, I contribute because we don’t have to pay for childcare and I use my teaching degrees to homeschool our children instead. If my husband told me I had to “spend my own money” to do something important to me, I’d consider that financial abuse. We are a team, and just because my current contribution to the team isn’t monetary doesn’t mean that money is all his. It would cost him a great deal of money to get private/individualized education from an actual education professional. On the other hand, back to back trips to say goodbye to the same relative over and over would frustrate the hell out of me too- emotionally and financially. But, if he were to miss saying goodbye, he will likely never forgive you. You don’t have to go. You and the kids can stay home, but to essentially deny his ability to go because you hold the purse strings is a crappy situation all around. However, if you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it. I don’t think you’re an asshole. I don’t think he is either EXCEPT for the insane outburst you described. If that is his normal response when angry or frustrated, there are much larger problems. Refraining from judgment.

I agree with everything you said and just want to add the amount of money that has already been spent to go back repeatedly is ridiculous like down payment for a house ridiculous. And that if the kids stay home wife has to find childcare unless she can wfh. Lastly to add I have always been torn between two provinces my entire life, half the family in one, half in the other so I can say there will always be events or crisis’s that come up that you cannot return for. It seems her husband hasn’t realized that yet and I get it since it’s his mom/grandma. What if dad/grandda gets sick next month? Or another relative passed away? There has to be a line somewhere. My family never expected me to come for emergencies or funerals and there was way, way more than one.

My grandfather died alone in a hospital because none of my family could get out there quick enough. Went to the hospital on Thanksgiving, we were making plans to fly out two days later because there were no flights available the day after Thanksgiving, he coded and died the day after Thanksgiving, 2012. Sometimes, shit just happens, and we can’t be with our loved ones when they pass. That’s a sad reality of being human. Husband should consider - a person’s last moment is nothing in comparison to a lifetime of moments before it. He should make sure he’s calling grandma every few days to chat, sending her pictures of the kids, FaceTiming, connecting in ways that are happy, and not sitting in a hospital or the immediate aftermath of being in the hospital. Those are moments to cherish. If he misses her death, that will be sad, of course, but it happens. Losing a parent is horrible, but he will be okay eventually, emotionally. What won’t be okay is if OP starts getting in trouble for taking too much time off and her job becomes at risk. Or if he spends so much of the household’s money going back and forth that the kids can’t get new shoes in the fall. Or if they can’t make their mortgage payments.

At this rate, they won’t be able to attend the funeral.

NTA. Apparently all the people here that think you’re the asshole don’t do math or are independently wealthy. You have spent over $20,000 in the last nine months to go see his dying grandmother who keeps getting better. I don’t blame you for deciding that he had to pay for his own ticket. I don’t know the dynamics of your relationship other than you said he’s a stay at home dad and does side jobs. But he cannot keep expecting to spend that much money to keep going to see his grandmother and say his goodbyes for her just for her to get better. He needs to start being realistic.

I would love to befriend all these people that think after spending $20k (on flights alone), dropping another $6k plus accommodation shouldn't be a hassle - and also expect that person to continuously drop $6k for every single upcoming emergency as well as if these funds just grow on trees.

I feel like an angle people aren’t recognizing is how traumatizing this must be for kids that age- having to go through the grief of saying goodbye to their beloved grandmother and process her death before realizing she’ll live Four. Times. That’s not a healthy cycle to keep bringing them into. I’m not saying keep them from her forever obviously but when the trip is specifically to ‘say goodbye’ for the 5+ time it’s actually a good decision to tell your husband he needs to go on his own this time. Reddit has no real info on your budget and if you give your husband spending money AFAIK so all the outrage in the comments abt him being a SAHD without income is misplaced. You’ve spent $20,000 without complaint in 9 months. Anyone calling you financially abusive has never had a budget before because they are 14. (NTA)

They're quick to accuse OP of financial abuse for not paying for a round-trip ticket ONE time, but no mention about how her husband is expecting the costs to continually come out of their account and potentially draining it every time Marie has a medical episode. Then blowing up and calling OP names when she says they can't afford it. I'd say that's pretty financially abusive, too! ETA: this doesn't even touch on the $ required to be spent to replace the child caring while the SAHP is gone for god-knows-how-long. OPs husband needs to realize that yes, his grandmother is family, but so are his kids and wife. They need to come first, and if they can't afford it, they can't afford it. Dad shouldn't be taking food from the kids mouths to feed himself.

>OPs husband needs to realize that yes, his grandmother is family, but so are his kids and wife. They need to come first, and if they can't afford it, they can't afford it.  I can't believe I had to scroll so far down to see this. OP's husband already has a family he *chose* to make so he has a responsibility to that family, more than to the one that raised him. If he's a responsible, sensible human being, he wouldn't insist on spending family money to keep on saying goodbye to his grandma, especially if that means he is going cause financial ruin to the family he created. His kids' well-being should be his top priority, and OP putting her foot down and saying they can't afford those trips anymore is her being the responsible parent, making sure they don't end up swimming in debt or not having enough money to keep a roof over all of their heads and  put food on the table for all of them.  OP is NTA.

This happened to me with my grandfather. First in middle school zaidy has stage four lung cancer it won’t be long. Cut to hs still going except now every other weekend this is the end the whole family needs to get down here! In the end I couldn’t do it I processed his death twenty times over and he went on a random day. Similar seems to be happening to OP’s kids and I hope they see reason

>And I am not “keeping my husband away from his grandmother”, I am just saying he has to pay for his own ticket if he wants to go.  Will you support him to get a job, so that he can get his own money? Will you take on more of the childcare so that he can afford to not rely on you? Because you can't benefit from his labour and then hold it over them that he doesn't have money. He does have money because he does unpaid labour that benefits you. You don't say neither of you had money, you don't say he had spent all his personal money, you said he doesn’t work so doesn't have any money. I think he's probably realised you will use earning money to pull rank and get your way on a decision. Refusing to buy his ticket, when you know he can't afford to go if you don't crossed a line. YTA

In the original post, OP says "we can't afford any more plane tickets." Whether this means there isn't enough for everyone or just husband isn't clear. However, OP did say that cost is an issue.

If the kids don't go, how will they afford child care costs?

Do you not realize how much flights across the Atlantic are for a family of five? They've spent at least $20K on them already, and they can't keep doing this. Even sending him alone repeatedly would add up. Look, part of living overseas means having to deal with this. My husband and I ping-ponged across the Atlantic in 2019 to say good-bye to his dad. But when his mum passed nine months later, we were in lockdowns and could not. We knew how much his mother loved us and vice versa, because we talked on video a lot. My husband and I also had talked about him going alone and staying there until the lockdown lifted. The husband needs grief counseling more than anything at the moment.

If he's from Germany and moved to Canada for OP's job, he might not have the right to work here. I don't think there is enough info in the post to confirm that part. As a Canadian I hear a lot about how hard it is to move here and be able to work from Europe.

They've taken this trip multiple times, it's thousands and thousands of dollars down the drain for a "the last farewell trip" you have to repeat six times. At some point there needs to be drawn a line because money don't grow on trees, and OP's husband needs to start making peace with one of the next trips actually being the final farewell for good until the funeral because flying a family overseas every other month is nuts.

I’m not sure because your husband is a SAHD with hardly any income at all from his side gigs. My advice? Set aside money now to buy him a ticket and tell him the money is his to use to buy a ticket whenever he wants but that is the last ticket. The kids can stay home with you so all he has to worry about is when he wants to go. Long term you might want to discuss when/if he is rejoining the work force (so he can buy the things he wants like plane tickets) and how to do that in a way that helps his career the most. (Does he need to take some courses or something?) You might also consider marriage counseling. Lastly if you buy the airplane tickets 6-9 months in advance they are a lot cheaper! So a yearly planned vacation to Germany (along with his emergency ticket) might be just the thing to help with his homesickness and to let him spend time with his family (& to let your kids experience Germany.)

NTA. You already spent $20,000. Then let say you pay for him this time. Now you have to pay for daycare as well as other expenses. She get better. Then two months later it happens again. So you supposed to pay again? Each and every time until she finally passes? That’s crazy. Money do not grow on trees and you must think of the financial burden as of now and how it can affect the future.

NTA and Caleb is also NTA. Your thinking is reasonable. Caleb’s thinking is emotional. No right or wrong here. Sorry if this answer doesn’t help.

You're looking for NAH (no asshole here)

YTA for making a unilateral financial decision when you are married, your husband is primary caregiver for your three children, and you moved countries to foster your career - necessitating the purchase of expensive tickets. How demeaning to expect your husband to have to earn any spending money via side gigs. There are legitimate perspectives on whether your family can or should visit at what schedule, but none of that should hinge on you controlling purse strings because you earn the income while he supports your family at home. Also, your difficulty in saying goodbye is secondary to your husband’s needs here, as these are his side of the family.

>How demeaning to expect your husband to have to earn any spending money via side gigs Where in the absolute fuck was that ever stated? Oh that’s right **nowhere**. Just because she said they cannot afford another $6k —on top of the $20k they’ve already spent in 6 months on flights *alone*— and that he needs to come up with the money himself in no way *at all* means that he does not have access to any of the money and is “demeaned with side gigs” for spending money. That is a wild and insanely presumptuous leap all because OP stated they literally do not have the money to pay for more trips. Wtf. Is she just supposed to sit by and watch as her husband spends their last penny on these trips? Because it’s pretty clear that he would do exactly that. At some point *somebody* has to put their foot down, presumably ***before*** they can no longer afford their living expenses, while they still can feed their children and pay their mortgage.

Perhaps you should read comments from the OP if you’re curious where information is stated: “He is unable financially to buy a ticket on his own. He is a SAHD who occasionally does side jobs but not enough to buy a ticket. By telling him I’m not buying his ticket, he essentially cannot go which is why I am conflicted.” “He is a SAHD who does side gigs like mowing lawns/house sitting. He doesn’t have enough money to buy a ticket.”

So every time she says go ahead, spends another thousand dollars on a flight just for him not including hotel stays or any other trip expenses. She already said they can not afford to keep spending this money. When it comes down to it what bill should they forgo first so he can keep flying out every couple months? Cut down to rice and beans first? Maybe dip into a college savings account for the kids? The husband isn't able to afford it, but you're over looking where op said she can't afford it anymore either. They can't afford for everyone to keep going which means they likely aren't to far from not being able to afford anyone going. It's sad and it sucks and honestly if it'd be doable for op I'd say tell him to go and stay there till after a funeral or regular trips can be afforded again but it's simply not financially feasible to keep the constant trips up no matter how sad that reality is.

That does not at all mean he has zero access to her paycheck. Holy Shit. **One time** he isn’t allowed to spend thousands of dollars on top of the $30k they’ve already spent and he’s some poor abused husband being demeaned by working teenage side gigs for spending money? No gtfoh with that nonsense. You have no idea why he works those side gigs, it’s clearly not to support him or his family or to save for large purchases or anything else y’all are coming up with since OP is doing all of that.

Fucking thank you! You’re the first I’ve seen point out that this is the only known time she has denied him access. Financial abuse is a pattern of controlling the finances, not saying no to a financially irresponsible decision.

These people screaming financial abuse and all the other absolutely wild accusations against op are insane. I cannot actually believe the shit I am reading!

Right?? She's saying they can't use their joint money for yet another flight but if he can come up the cost of it on his own he can go (and childcare will need to be paid for from their joint money in that case). Just because he isn't being given permission to spend another $5-6k on another false alarm doesn't mean he doesn't have day to day access to their money. He probably could physically buy the plane ticket, but without permission for such a big impact cost he knows it'd probably blow up the marriage for going ahead without said permission.

Read her comments. She says exactly that.

Gonna get downvoted, but whatever. NTA. You've spent close to $20K in 6 months. How many times does he expect for you guys to pay for these trips? And that's not even counting when she actually dies and the expense to go to her funeral. He's being selfish and not considering the financial impact this has on the family and you could've been nicer about it, but I'm not going to say that makes you an AH. Sometimes, as adults, we have to accept we can't always be there for our loved ones because we can't afford it. I missed 3 of my grandparents and 1 aunts funerals because I couldn't afford to go. It sucks, but that's just the way it works sometimes. He's been there 4 times, he's said his goodbye. It'd be better for all of you to save for the inevitable future funeral instead.

We also live across an ocean from our families. I would say and do the same thing! You went 3-4x already! The next time you go, it should be for the funeral. You’ve already said “goodbye” several times now. Caleb needs to understand you can’t financially handle transatlantic flights every single time she has a heart attack and is in the hospital. It’s simply not in the budget. However, I do hope that you are putting away money for the eventuality of her death. Make sure he knows that you are saving for that trip, and that unless he wants to take a loan out, or he wants to change how things work(ie, get a job), this is how it is. I’ve had to have some tough conversations with my husband about our extended families. NTA.

NTA - the spending is unsustainable. That's a fact. And OP is sacrificing the future of her family in trying to make these frequent trips. If Husband wants to make these trips and it is important to the grandparents - then they can pony up the money. The burden shouldn't always fall on OPs family. That type of money could be a serious dent in the quality of life for everyone in the family.

Why did you all have to go each and every time? These were not vacations these were visits because she was sick. Why couldn’t he go alone? It’s cheaper and quicker. I can’t decide if Yta or what. When my FIL was sick in Europe multiple times my husband went alone. The rest of the family didn’t need to tag along as it was not a vacation. 3 times he went over and the last one was a few months before he passed away. Then he went back for the funeral and took both of our kids - 1 teen and 1 adult. Each trip was a week to 10 days.

Nta. Here is why. Unless you are rich and have a ton of savings in 6 months, you have spent at least 15k. If he is that worried, he needs to go back to work. Pay some I to the household and save the rest for these trips. Being stay at home does not give someone the right to blow money you don't have or by now have little of. Expecting you to continue to foot the bill so he can go see her every time this happens is unrealistic. Him working would at least put money in savings. What he uses as free money since he is staying at home can be halved to put into savings. It means he starts figuring out what he can himself cut back on. What job he can get. Whatever he has to, then continue to expect you to pay for it. I'm sorry you all are going through this, but I expect you to continue to use money after money, which means whatever that money has been saved goes out the window. Which people can say, but it could be his last time to see her. True. But using money, say set aside for repairs on car, and now it's gone, and car is down. How to get to work to pay bills. Heat or cooling goes out, but the money set aside has been used. Who pays for that. The family. You lose your job. Well, the money to give you a cushion is now gone. Welp, oh well, he got to say goodbye, and now you all have no home. It's harsh, but it's reality as well. We can't always afford things again and again. Eventually, that money runs out. Instead of him doing what he needs to to save money for these expenses, he instead gets mad and throws a tantrum because you don't keep blowing money you might not have.

ESH for the poor communication, financial management, and planning around these visits to see his grandmother. SAH parents should have equal access to money/should have a personal account with a fair percentage of discretionary funds. You should also have had a conversation about how much you as a couple were prepared to spend in terms of time and money on trips to Germany--especially after his grandmother recovered the first two times. If he had run out of his personal discretionary budget and was asking for money outside of what you both had already agreed would be fair for him to have exclusive control of/already agreed was fair to spend on trips home, it would be a clear cut N T A. His silent treatment is not a mature or respectful response, but it seems like he might feel he has no recourse/no control over anything financial, which is deeply concerning. Hard to know what else to say without knowing details about how well he understands your financial situation and much input he has on financial decisions. It's definitely verging on Y T A with the info you've given in the comments. You two are not doing well as a couple with being on the same page financially.

Having spent the summer/fall of 2019 ping-ponging across the Atlantic to say good-bye to my father-in-law, absolutely NTA. It's hard. Really, really hard. Finances absolutely get in the way, and your husband has had more chances to say good-bye to his grandmother in person than my husband ever got with his mum (thanks, lockdowns). She knows he loves her. He knows she loves him back. It's not easy living overseas from your loved ones, and my husband made that sacrifice for me. You may already be doing this, but is he speaking to her on video calls? We did this with my MiL every other day from the day she came home from hospice until the day before she died. She would get to see our faces and we would see hers. I think the biggest thing your husband needs right now is a grief counselor. He needs to talk with a professional about these feelings and the complicated living situation. My husband did this after his parents to help cope with losing them and his job all within a year. But it sounds like your husband could use counseling now. Please encourage him to talk to someone for both of your sakes.

I have feelings about the fact that he's a SAHD and doesn't have access to funds for personal use. If your roles were reversed, people would RIGHTFULLY be pointing out that he is doing a huge job for free, to his financial detriment, a job you would have to pay a lot for someone outside of your home to do.

A job 'they' would have to pay someone to do. He already had personal use of 20k in less than 1 year. But they should certainly both have a monthly amount of money they can blow through however they like. And if they don't save and their wants are not covered by that money, it should be a mutual decision to pull funds from the family money.

He *is* using the funds though - 20k already and still going up is a massive amount to spend for any family, particularly with three kids and on only one real income. She's entitled to point out that her salary alone won't be able to cover more transatlantic flights.

NTA

All these YTA people haven't an idea how math works lol. So force wife to spend the money again, do we foreclose the home since we would be perpetually behind payments? Do we starve our kids and ourselves and cross our fingers that we don't die to give up this money? Do we sell our vehicles to give up this money? Do we just say sorry kids can't go to college on our dime to give up this money? Do we empty her retirement fund, knowing that puts their elderly life in strain not to have that money? Do we put the family in debt with credit cards and loans to keep this up and hope we aren't forced to do any of the previous things after going down a path that can't be sustained? All these financial abuse comments don't provide a solution that doesn't involve detriment to the OPs family that they can deem acceptable. Does the internet really think that OP must allow them to lose anything and possibly everything they have for this, which has zero certainty that it's the last time?

Was there ever a discussion after the second time this happened? because if no discussion was held, both of you's are at fault. A plan of action should have been discussed for the next time e.g. he should have started going on his own with you subsiding the funds and then you could have joined him if needed. Is his family telling him he should come over or has a doctor advised it? i.e stated that there's a high chance she could die. Because if it's his family stressing, it's important to have a conversation about how many times this (traveling to visit his grandma) can be done. He may need to come to terms that the whole family can't always be there the moment she has a heart attack but he could go to visit on his own for 'X' amount of times until he has to accept you'll only be able to financially afford traveling for the potential funeral if needed. I really do believe you should be subsiding for part of his ticket for him to travel by himself, especially as he's a SAHD and you mention living comfortably. But a clear conversation needs to be had about how many times this can be done and what happens if she passes away.

Sounds like he should start saving his spending money for a plane ticket so he's prepared when the time comes. But you are certainly NTA

Technically NTA because you're not saying he can't go. But from your comments you seem to not be giving him access to any money aside from what's needed to pay for necessities. That's not ok and borders on financial abuse. He's a SAHD so he's contributing a lot to the household and saving you the cost of childcare. You should both have a dedicated allowance for personal spending. Perhaps you should revisit the household budget and arrange a personal spending allowance for him that he can choose whether to spend or save but also involve him in the whole budget so he understands what the actual bills total to and where surplus is going and why. I agree the multiple trips and expenses are piling up and it's not ok, but he can't see that. Just cutting him off financially though is abusive and will lead to a host of issues. It's the same in a relationship with the roles reversed with the general advice for SAHM to work on getting and hiding money for an escape because this kind of financial control is toxic and is a big red flag for other toxic behaviors. If after the budget conversation and giving him personal funds he still pushes it, then make it clear this isn't feasible and that he's demanding you take from your children for a possible false alarm just like all the other times and that it's on him to do the work to save if he wants to go again.

She's literally paid him $20k plus accommodation over the past 6 months to say goodbye to the same person over and over. She's not cutting him off because she won't pay another $6k when it's not sustainable, that's a big misrepresentation. Are you being cut off when your bank account gets low at the end of the month? No, you just don't have a lot of money to do whatever you want to do, so you have to pick and choose. $6k is a massive expense to be expected to come up with at the drop of the hat because there's been yet another medical emergency halfway across the world.

NTA. You’ve been so supportive you have to be able to support your own family too. Telling him to go by himself is not unreasonable.

NTA. Doesn’t matter about OP’s husband not making any money cuz he’s a Sahd. He’s gone multiple times now to say his goodbyes. So what is it that he achieves by going every time grandma is “dying”? Has he not said everything he has to say to her yet? If not, why the hell has he been holding back each time he thought she was dying? At this point he has to go to therapy to come to grips with the fact that he’s said his goodbyes and he may or may not be there when she actually dies. Why can’t he keep in touch with her regularly through FaceTime and FaceTime when she’s hospitalized next? There’s no closure that this man is getting going each time. This is just emotion overriding logic. He needs to get a grip. It’s one thing to go for the funeral but not every time he’s hospitalized. Also, doctors are pretty good at knowing when someone is actually going to die so who is telling him she’s dying? His siblings or the doctors? I think they all panic and run to her bedside without considering the facts of what her medical situation is. Also is the husband going to want to spend money on paying for the funeral? Chances are yea, which means he can’t fritter away all their money on visits and then get mad Op is saying no. He needs to think logically and plan for her actual death and what costs that will entail.

YTA for controlling the finances. He should have full access to the same resources you do. I am disabled, and my husband is the sole earner. Not once has he ever held that above my head. It’s okay to have a conversation like *we* can’t afford to keep buying plane tickets. It’s not okay to make him pay for it like he’s a kid who wants something extra.

They’ve spent 20K in a few short months traveling back and forth. I challenge most of you to do the same! Flying out every single time she’s in the hospital is ridiculous- they’ve said goodbye several times now, and need to actually save for the funeral. It’s becoming financially irresponsible to keep flying out every few months.

And that is *fine*, but she needs to talk to her partner like a partner, not a child.

If a partner behaves like a child and can't understand bankrupting the whole family, someone needs to be the adult. She did talk to him. He doesn't understand. It's something that affects her too, so there is no discussion. Both need to agree to spend the money when it comes to expensive things, if one is not on bord there is no spending the money. Period.

She needs to talk to her husband like an adult but he can yell at her and called her all kinds of names?

She’s not financially abusive, HE’S financially irresponsible and she has to put the financial security of the family first since he won’t. They have children, their needs come first as hard as that can be. I say this as a former SAHM. Op is NTA

She's not holding it above his head, she's saying that her/their income isn't enough to keep buying transatlantic flight tickets, so if he wants to keep going, he'll need to find a way to make more money. That seems entirely reasonable to me?

They, as a team, can't afford the plane tickets. If he can somehow find money outside of the joint budget to buy his own plane tickets then he can go. If he can't, sucks to be him but they as a joint unit can no longer afford more trips.

Honestly, this sounds like my Aunt Kathrine. It was heart attacks, cancer scares, minor strokes, trips and falls, flu and infections. For 20 years. While the turn of phrase is that she had one foot in the grave, the family joke was that her grave had a step ladder. NTA. You can only say good-bye so many times before you stop believing it's the last time. With the massive financial burden and loss of work & education, your family is suffering from the constant trips. Your husband should go if he believes this is his last good-bye, but he can't keep draining the lives of you and your children for it.

NTA You are not the only family in this position. A good friend of mine has had to decide when to travel back to India, as both of her parents' health deteriorates and improves in an unpredictable ebb and flow. Please point out that you didn't bat an eye and packed up yourself and the kids for a whole summer and three times during the school year. Tally up all the money that has been spent on traveling back and forth, Show your husband what a large portion of the family budget that is. Sounds like at least $24-$28,000 (not even including your lost income). That is not chump change. You know he loves his (grand)mother; you do, too. But you are not lottery winners. You can't fly over every time she has a heart attack. Heck, your husband could live in Germany and not be "there" when his (grand)mother actually passes. (That happened to me with both my parents. I live only 4 hours away. For both of them, there were multiple "death is imminent" moments. I was there for most of them and was staying with them for extended periods of time. Still happened to have been back in my home time when each of them passed - having just gone home to take care of my family/affairs THAT day.) Your husband needs to make peace that he cannot possibly be assured that he will be with his (grand)mother when she passes. He can only find peace that he has said everything he wanted to say to her; left nothing undone. It would probably help him if he started going to therapy to talk things through with a counselor since he is really struggling with needing to go to her beyond what your family can financially afford. He also needs to work through not blaming you if he's not there when she passes. About the only other thing you can offer him is to save up enough money to send him there... and then he stays there until she passes. I'm not saying that is appealing to either you or your husband. I'm saying if his need to be with his (grand)mother trumps everything else, that's probably the only way for him to be there with her. Anything else is not financially feasible.

NTA As an American in Canada, I had to come to terms with the knowledge that I will not be there when my Mom dies, or for her funeral. We simply don't have the money to make that happen. It sucks, so freaking much. That is, however the way it goes when you move far away.

I don’t think you are the bad guy. You’ve spent 20 thousand already. As someone who lost my parent and watched my parent die. My suggestion to you, is give him a beat. Don’t pester him, in my experience you’ll get apology once he clears his head. Talking to him while he is angry and probably sad, that he is unable to help his family while his mother is ill. Is just a bad idea, watching my father being ill, many people tried to talk to me, while I was in my cloud of anger. From personal experience trying to get him see reason, will only fuel his anger towards you. So long as your husband isn’t being abusive and is doing his job as parent, leave him alone for few days. I would also suggest grief counseling for him, someone to help him sort out his feeling about a parent being ill. In my experience watching my father suffer, I felt inadequate and lost. I understand where you are coming from. Maybe it’s time for your husband to find employment. Maybe an online job, if it’s important for him to stay home. But just understand, if he has conversations with his family about him being unable to come, be prepared to be the bad guy and your relationship with them may change. I would also suggest to ask his family to pay for ticket for him and he stays for a couple of months.

NTA. Everyone is concerned about OP putting her foot down on buying another plane ticket with the family money but... guys. She's already *bought* several of these trips for him, for all of them. She arranged an entire summer with his mom. She's not financially abusing her husband; she's used the family income to make sure he gets to spend time with her, time and again, but she can only stretch it so far. She's said they cannot financially afford another plane ticket and I believe her, given how much they've already spent in a short amount of time. It isn't financial abuse to tell your spouse there is no money left to do the thing they want to do while still safely covering what the kids need. It just means there's no money. Him blaming her for not buying it doesn't mean there was. Just his tickets and accommodations along are likely in the range of 1K to 2K a trip, if they're spending 5 to 6K for all. And he wants to do this for every time she has a hospital stay? I get it -- my mom had late stage liver failure and she was in and out of the hospital across *three years*, during which every time was potentially the last time. I had to live with the reality that I couldn't always come running across the country and I may not get to say goodbye. The reality often is, when it happens, there is no time for that anyway. It is so hard, and I feel deeply for him, and I want him to have the time with his mom. But he also needs to understand he's potentially in the same long haul, and he's going to have to be strategic instead of impulsive on this. He has side jobs and he knows it's going to happen again. OP, see if there's a compromise here -- sit down with him and together you guys can budget what can safely be put aside in the coming year for his travel, and when that money would be available. And let him know he can increase that budget on his own, too; maybe you can find a way to watch the kids or get help watching them while he takes on some part time work or more side jobs, to increase his pool of funds for this. Maybe he even needs to go back to work to make your household double income, temporarily. You guys should be a team in times of grief and need.

YTA - it’s fine that you told him he’d need to go alone this time. It’s not fine that you insisted he pay for his own ticket when he’s a SAHD with no real income of his own.

she's already spent 20k. how much debt is she supposed to put her family in? I swear none of you can see past your damn nose when you make a judgment.

How many more international flights does it take to satisfy you?

NTA. Your husband should call the hospital and ask if this is a "call the family in" situation.