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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1.I made a group post that was pretty scathing
2.I'm known to be a volatile person and my anger could have been construed as a threat. It resulted in ridicule for myself and the person I was defending, causing a rift in a long-time friend group
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I could read this fine, but am not neurotypical - so may be a different communication style.
I'd put a cautionary ESH based on the info.
If someone is having a medical episode where they may harm themselves or others, get them medical care. Even if you think they're faking. They should have helped.
It sounds like that didn't happen. Maybe they don't know as much as you do, maybe they don't have experience with disability/know what to do, maybe they're shit people - I don't know.
It sounds like your approach shifted everyone (there and not there) into either with you or against you. Your language sounds very black and white, and is likely coming from an emotional place. It has made everyone feel like they're in the "shit people" category, when there's likely more complexity.
Whilst I empathise, this may further alienate B and you may have caused additional problems trying to show solidarity and support. Your approach, not your intent made you the asshole.
I'd take a moment to collect yourself, and try to think what went wrong, and what B needs. Talking to B about what could help would be great.
My two cents: As the fierce friend, you may need to be a more "poodle project manager" than a "Pitbull".
Instead try asking if people can do [a meal a month] or [15min call weekly] and co-ordinate so others are carrying the weight and that it's even.
Also work with B to develop an emergency contact plan that ensures she's safe. E.g. if this happens, call ___
I am calming down, and your insight has been very helpful;
thank you so much.
B is resting, but restless, & in pain. I keep asking about medical attn, but I won't call unless it's asked or necessary.
My hangup is they left B => The person that wouldn't leave anyone... having an episode.... Ain't shit. Just hang out???
Sorry my writing is bad
I'm glad B is safe and resting ❤️
Know staying and helping seems obvious, but people that haven't experienced or seen an episode may not know what to do or understand what's going on.
It's shit this happened, and really hope B has supportive friends moving forward.
If this is the first time the friendship group have been a bit shit, forgiving them and assuming they didn't know what to do or the severity of what was happening can help.
Also the episode may not have been as obvious to others as it was to you, and if they were drinking maybe they had less brain power than usual.
In summary: leaving a friend having an episode is awful. Having not been there, maybe they weren't aware it was a serious episode.
B and I spent a day in emergency. Everything seems okay, but they're staying at my place until the rest of the tests come back.
Only a few people have checked up. I think this rift isn't a terrible thing at this point .
It sounds like something went on. And since you don't know exactly what yet, since you were not around (maybe B did something unacceptable) you should have waited to get the WHOLE story before popping off. I have to vote YTA. Because you have no idea what actually happened.
I was told off because only one person told me "B fell on the table and was flopping around".... Like, we all know B has a condition.
No one was willing to just stay and supervise or call emergency services??? Ffs, I'll take the YTA.
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(group alt acct to respect privacy + tldr at the end)
I'm pissed af (in European and American) & may edit to clarify. Sorry for length, formatting, & English.
Preface / my friend "B"(mid-30s) is like the parent of our friends (aged 20-54, but mostly in the 30s). (I'm the pit bull, that'll come back later) There's ~9 in the group.
B has a mysterious illness & has been having mental and physical problems for the past few months. I noticed our neighborhood gatherings at B's house have been getting smaller, but when I asked B brushed it off.
Last night: card game @B's, like 6-7 ppl there (a lot of new people)... B's roomy and his new gf were supposed to stay in. I left about 10pm, with my fwb.
Woke up early ~5am to a text from B sent ~3:30am. B had woken up outside, by the card table, to no one there. with no memory of anything after about 8:30pm.
I went over ~6am to find B in a state. Loopy, banged up, and refusing an ambulance. B's vitals were fine, so I just cancelled my plans to keep an eye out.(my fwb was casually bitchy about it)
THIS IS WHERE I LOST IT: group chat was down, weird.. ok. Checking socials..... they were "privately" accusing B of being a drama queen or some sort of junkie / cunt & verging on threatening to mess with B while having episodes. {{B is only on new scripts. Side effects: can't even have fruit, milk, or too much sunlight, let alone drugs!}}
I made a private post, tagging ALL of our group, even the ones that haven't been around. I didn't mention B's state in any way, but made it VERY CLEAR that I want nothing to do with anyone that's not supporting B.
I can't screencap it without doxxing... It was intense, but I didn't threaten anything. Been blocked by B's sibling & roommate #2, my cousin, and one of the neighbours. After a few salty msgs, oc. Most just saying "I can't be around that" like B ain't been (parental af) there for years?????
I feel like shit about losing long & great friendships over this. But idk how these mfs be treating B like that. And idk if I actually scared them with the phrase "we have a problem"?? Now I feel like I made a rift between the people that can and can't handle B having episodes. I understand some people panic in emergencies, but no one even called emergency.
Thank you for reading my ramblings & feel free to ask me to clarify anything // if not:
TLDR '''' AITA for being a massive cunt to my friend's group, because they have dropped / refuse to help our sick friend? (Friend is like our party mom)
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You’re angry and feeling protective. Fair enough. But you were not present when whatever happened with B happened. It sounds like there was an incident and afterwards people left and then B had another episode after they had left then she called you. You don’t know what else happened. B could have simply collapsed onto the table or she could have said or done other things which were scary, rude, aggressive, etc. And she’s already told you she doesn’t remember what happened. If people are calling her a cunt or wondering if she has an addiction issue then something serious happened.
Your friends are not doctors, therapists, nurses or carers. B was refusing an ambulance. That was the only real help they could give but if she was refusing then there was nothing they could do. I suggest you put down the phone, stay off social media, calm down and sober up and realise that if you aren’t there then you can’t judge the situation properly. Try talking to people once they are calm, not swearing and screaming at people. I get that you are scared for your friend but losing your shit won’t help anyone and will only alienate B or push people away from her and you.
NAH.
We went to emergency eventually & I have updated with the info I've found... B is staying with me for a few days & is pretty upset, after finding out that most of our group knew what has happened and either explicitly ignored it, didn't respond, &/or talked shit.
We have both been away from the group, unless they're checking up. Not many have & we're both okay with that.
Update: B agreed to go to emergency. Inconclusive. Waiting on test results at my house.
I've calmed down & collected more info & if I'm the asshole, I'll eat 40 knives.
The only people that were there to see it were small women & B was flipping out. They gave B pillows + called Roommates & neighbours.... Roommates said they were otw. They never showed & the neighbours didn't even check up.
The young women came to visit B in the hospital and were SHATTERED that they didn't call emergency. But B was insistent that they leave. Fair.
I don't regret the shattering of this friend group anymore. I may be the devil, but the ladies called almost everyone att & no one even decided to follow up.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1.I made a group post that was pretty scathing 2.I'm known to be a volatile person and my anger could have been construed as a threat. It resulted in ridicule for myself and the person I was defending, causing a rift in a long-time friend group Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
What?
Sorry, I know my writing is bad. What are you what-ing?
INFO: Seems like you need to get your head straight. I have read your post three times and can’t understand the problem or even the situation…
I write bad, sorry. My friend had a medical episode and our friends just ignored it and talked shit.
>I'm pissed af (in European and American) Come back when you've calmed down and sobered up.
Ohmygod I did not understand that at all, thank you.
Thank you.
I could read this fine, but am not neurotypical - so may be a different communication style. I'd put a cautionary ESH based on the info. If someone is having a medical episode where they may harm themselves or others, get them medical care. Even if you think they're faking. They should have helped. It sounds like that didn't happen. Maybe they don't know as much as you do, maybe they don't have experience with disability/know what to do, maybe they're shit people - I don't know. It sounds like your approach shifted everyone (there and not there) into either with you or against you. Your language sounds very black and white, and is likely coming from an emotional place. It has made everyone feel like they're in the "shit people" category, when there's likely more complexity. Whilst I empathise, this may further alienate B and you may have caused additional problems trying to show solidarity and support. Your approach, not your intent made you the asshole. I'd take a moment to collect yourself, and try to think what went wrong, and what B needs. Talking to B about what could help would be great. My two cents: As the fierce friend, you may need to be a more "poodle project manager" than a "Pitbull". Instead try asking if people can do [a meal a month] or [15min call weekly] and co-ordinate so others are carrying the weight and that it's even. Also work with B to develop an emergency contact plan that ensures she's safe. E.g. if this happens, call ___
I am calming down, and your insight has been very helpful; thank you so much. B is resting, but restless, & in pain. I keep asking about medical attn, but I won't call unless it's asked or necessary. My hangup is they left B => The person that wouldn't leave anyone... having an episode.... Ain't shit. Just hang out??? Sorry my writing is bad
I'm glad B is safe and resting ❤️ Know staying and helping seems obvious, but people that haven't experienced or seen an episode may not know what to do or understand what's going on. It's shit this happened, and really hope B has supportive friends moving forward. If this is the first time the friendship group have been a bit shit, forgiving them and assuming they didn't know what to do or the severity of what was happening can help. Also the episode may not have been as obvious to others as it was to you, and if they were drinking maybe they had less brain power than usual. In summary: leaving a friend having an episode is awful. Having not been there, maybe they weren't aware it was a serious episode.
B and I spent a day in emergency. Everything seems okay, but they're staying at my place until the rest of the tests come back. Only a few people have checked up. I think this rift isn't a terrible thing at this point .
It sounds like something went on. And since you don't know exactly what yet, since you were not around (maybe B did something unacceptable) you should have waited to get the WHOLE story before popping off. I have to vote YTA. Because you have no idea what actually happened.
I was told off because only one person told me "B fell on the table and was flopping around".... Like, we all know B has a condition. No one was willing to just stay and supervise or call emergency services??? Ffs, I'll take the YTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** (group alt acct to respect privacy + tldr at the end) I'm pissed af (in European and American) & may edit to clarify. Sorry for length, formatting, & English. Preface / my friend "B"(mid-30s) is like the parent of our friends (aged 20-54, but mostly in the 30s). (I'm the pit bull, that'll come back later) There's ~9 in the group. B has a mysterious illness & has been having mental and physical problems for the past few months. I noticed our neighborhood gatherings at B's house have been getting smaller, but when I asked B brushed it off. Last night: card game @B's, like 6-7 ppl there (a lot of new people)... B's roomy and his new gf were supposed to stay in. I left about 10pm, with my fwb. Woke up early ~5am to a text from B sent ~3:30am. B had woken up outside, by the card table, to no one there. with no memory of anything after about 8:30pm. I went over ~6am to find B in a state. Loopy, banged up, and refusing an ambulance. B's vitals were fine, so I just cancelled my plans to keep an eye out.(my fwb was casually bitchy about it) THIS IS WHERE I LOST IT: group chat was down, weird.. ok. Checking socials..... they were "privately" accusing B of being a drama queen or some sort of junkie / cunt & verging on threatening to mess with B while having episodes. {{B is only on new scripts. Side effects: can't even have fruit, milk, or too much sunlight, let alone drugs!}} I made a private post, tagging ALL of our group, even the ones that haven't been around. I didn't mention B's state in any way, but made it VERY CLEAR that I want nothing to do with anyone that's not supporting B. I can't screencap it without doxxing... It was intense, but I didn't threaten anything. Been blocked by B's sibling & roommate #2, my cousin, and one of the neighbours. After a few salty msgs, oc. Most just saying "I can't be around that" like B ain't been (parental af) there for years????? I feel like shit about losing long & great friendships over this. But idk how these mfs be treating B like that. And idk if I actually scared them with the phrase "we have a problem"?? Now I feel like I made a rift between the people that can and can't handle B having episodes. I understand some people panic in emergencies, but no one even called emergency. Thank you for reading my ramblings & feel free to ask me to clarify anything // if not: TLDR '''' AITA for being a massive cunt to my friend's group, because they have dropped / refuse to help our sick friend? (Friend is like our party mom) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You’re angry and feeling protective. Fair enough. But you were not present when whatever happened with B happened. It sounds like there was an incident and afterwards people left and then B had another episode after they had left then she called you. You don’t know what else happened. B could have simply collapsed onto the table or she could have said or done other things which were scary, rude, aggressive, etc. And she’s already told you she doesn’t remember what happened. If people are calling her a cunt or wondering if she has an addiction issue then something serious happened. Your friends are not doctors, therapists, nurses or carers. B was refusing an ambulance. That was the only real help they could give but if she was refusing then there was nothing they could do. I suggest you put down the phone, stay off social media, calm down and sober up and realise that if you aren’t there then you can’t judge the situation properly. Try talking to people once they are calm, not swearing and screaming at people. I get that you are scared for your friend but losing your shit won’t help anyone and will only alienate B or push people away from her and you. NAH.
We went to emergency eventually & I have updated with the info I've found... B is staying with me for a few days & is pretty upset, after finding out that most of our group knew what has happened and either explicitly ignored it, didn't respond, &/or talked shit. We have both been away from the group, unless they're checking up. Not many have & we're both okay with that.
Update: B agreed to go to emergency. Inconclusive. Waiting on test results at my house. I've calmed down & collected more info & if I'm the asshole, I'll eat 40 knives. The only people that were there to see it were small women & B was flipping out. They gave B pillows + called Roommates & neighbours.... Roommates said they were otw. They never showed & the neighbours didn't even check up. The young women came to visit B in the hospital and were SHATTERED that they didn't call emergency. But B was insistent that they leave. Fair. I don't regret the shattering of this friend group anymore. I may be the devil, but the ladies called almost everyone att & no one even decided to follow up.