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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I told my friend that under no circumstances is her husband allowed to come to my wedding.
(2) I could possibly be the asshole because of denying her the ability to bring her partner to my wedding. It might come off as disrespectful. Especially since she gets a plus one no matter what.
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It is your wedding, but there's a good chance she may not show up if her husband isn't invited. Is not having her husband at your wedding more important than having your friend at your wedding?
You'd be surprised how many times I've seen this happen.
As the bride she has the right to restrict whoever may come.
But the guest also has a right to decide if the terms are acceptable or not go.
But yes , your absolutely right. Id just let the husband come to preserve the friendship.
On the other side of the coin, I'd consider it pretty toxic for my friend to want to bring a person who has talked shit about me to my wedding. What kind of friend wants to bring that negative energy to what is supposed to be on the happiest days of OPs life? Not a very good friend, I'd say.
Or you could go with "what kind of friend constantly talks shit about someone else's husband". Tbh, not all friendships are made to last. This is one where I think they should both be uninvited and let the friendship die.
> I said that it's my wedding and I can invite whoever I want and if she really has that much of a problem with it, she can stay home, too.
OP is clearly aware of this possibility.
I fee like if you read like the next line, you wouldn’t need to ask that question. OP already said if it comes down to it, she can stay home as well. So yes, it’s more important the husband not be there than the friend be there. And I get that, her goal is to be surrounded by those that love her and her fiancé, not anyone who wishes ill on them
ETA: hilarious you blocked someone for simply pointing out your comment shows you didn’t really read the post well. 😂😂
Yup. Plus it's a stupid hill to die on. In situations like this you almost never get the whole story from "your friend" . The reality begins closed doors is often 180 degrees different.
Unless he is physically abusing her or known to be a pedo, molester, or rapist I make it a habit to not get involved in my friends relationships
NTA
> I said that it's my wedding and I can invite whoever I want and if she really has that much of a problem with it, she can stay home, too
Disinvite her. She's letting her husband shit talk you? Not a friend.
Yeah, it's either you respect your friend or not. Both ways.
Your friend chooses to stay with her husband - you have to reluctantly respect her choice. Or respect yourself and choose not to be treated like OP has been. Picking and choosing is just prolonging this mess and escalating, basically.
NTA. It's your day; you get to determine who you celebrate with.
This may mean that your friend doesn't attend, but that's her choice, just as it is your choice to exclude the serial cheater.
NTA. This isn't a random snub. This guy has been an asshole to you and your friend. Beyond that you talked to her in person about it and accepted that she may not want to come because of this. I don't really understand why your friend is upset. If my spouse and friend didn't get along, I wouldn't expect my spouse to be invited to the wedding.
You are going to get split responses on this.
On the one hand you have people who believing that you must ALWAYS invite both partners if they are married, no matter what, always and forever.
On the other hand you will have people saying you are NEVER be forced to invite someone you don’t want to your wedding, and no one is entitled to a Plus One, not even parents or bridal party.
Then there will be those who say, according to this etiquette handbook, you have to apply rules evenly. So if you say only married couples get plus ones, no SOs, or only bridal party get plus ones, or only immediate family get plus ones, blah blah blah.
Here is my opinion, and that’s all it is, an opinion. Telling someone they can have a plus one as long as it is anyone EXCEPT their spouse is as big of a dick move as it gets. Either give them a plus one, or don’t. Saying that to your friend is a sharp stick in the eye. I am shocked she still wants to come.
You owe your friend an apology. For your sake, I hope she stays just a little to mad to come, because I think you’ve lost the right to tell her she can’t bring her spouse. Had you not said anything, I bet he would have refused. But now you’ve poked the tiger and he’s going to be raring to go.
So now one of three things are going to happen.
1. He is going to pitch a fit about her going, and she is not going to forgive you for causing this fight. Or
2. He is going to insist on going, promise to be a gentleman, and then blow everything up with his bad behavior and trash talk, maybe even get himself thrown out or arrested;
3. He is going to insist on going and will play the part of a gentleman, but with an edge, always skating the line, going right up to it but not over, making you constantly wary, constantly anxious, ensuring your misery right up to the last dance of the night.
And this is why it is a bad idea for the bride and groom to try to weaponize invites to their wedding. You have waaaaay more to lose than anybody else.
I understand your point of view but i do not think she owes her friend an apology. If her friend’s husband has said bad things about her she has a right to not invite him. I wouldn’t want someone who has said bad things about me to be at one of the most important events of my life. If her friend doesn’t like it then she has the right not to come but this is OP’s wedding day what she and the groom say goes.
That point or view was way too long for how wrong it was. Saying they can bring anyone but the spouse is a dick move? How about reframing it correctly, from the point of view of the person getting married, you can have anyone that doesn’t talk shit about me, that I don’t hate.
NTA, but you need to let this woman go, 15 years of friendship and all. Don't have some turd who disrespects you at your wedding.
Your friend has chosen him again and again, let her keep choosing him and keep them both away from your special day.
You can do whatever you want. Just be aware that excluding him from your wedding might ultimately result in her excluding you from her life. Only you can decide if you’re willing to risk that.
How important is this friend to you? Do you want to risk ending the friendship for the sake of excluding her husband? Those are questions only you can answer.
NTA These commentors who think you potentially burned the bridge with your good friend are clueless of the situation and your feelings. Please remember that not all people will be in your life forever. Why would you want that asshat at your wedding?? And like you said, they could be split up by then. She deserves better, but if she won't stop enabling, she'll continue to get what she's getting.
Enjoy your wedding wholeheartedly ♥️
My best friend never liked my ex-husband from the second she met him. She was always polite, never said anything bad about him, but asked questions where she was concerned. I knew she didn't like him, we have been friends since we were 7 so even hiding it, I could tell.
But she always included him and invited him, even when she knew he was talking shit about her and I was too scared to tell him to stop. Even when he or both of us didn't attend (the longer the relationship went on, the domestic violence increased including limiting my social interactions, physical violence, gaslighting, cheating, lying, financial abuse, sexual abuse, taking away my car, not allowing me money to pay for my phone even though I worked fulltime.... the list goes on).
From what you have described of your friends' relationship, as someone who went on after leaving my husband, to gain qualifications in counselling and community services, having worked with families and people in similar situations for many years, there are a lot of red flags. Your friend's husband sounds a whole lot like my ex and many of the abusers (and victims sharing their experiences) I have worked with.
I was ashamed, and embarrassed. I still heard my ex in my head telling me my bestie wouldn't believe me, and would not want to be my friend. That I was unloveable and people were only in my life to use me or because they pitied me. I have autism, and at that stage I was undiagnosed. I struggled to understand relationships.
My family were addicts, I raised my brother at my house, we grew up around violence, my aunt owned brothels we were dragged to as kids, their friends were the criminal biker gangs and other addicts. I didn't know then that DV was more than just being hit because we were taught growing up that as long as you weren't hit, it wasn't abuse.
Part of me knew this was false, but hearing something often can make something seem real. I had minimal to no contact with family (except my underage brother) as my husband made it almost impossible to have any contact with anyone who could see through his behaviours.
Is your friendship worth sticking around? Only you can answer that. One day your friend might realise she is worth more, or she might not. Is your love for your friend going to be enough to support her? It is ok if it's not as you need to prioritise your mental health.
I was lucky my best friend decided to visit twice a week when my ex wasn't home. I left at 24 and it still took me years to open up and tell her everything. It wasn't until 4 years after leaving that I felt safe, could talk about my experiences and admit I only decided to leave when my ex tried (I was pregnant and got in the way) to punch our 1yo after she bit him. I'm almost 40 and can honestly say, that without my best friend's support, I and my children would be dead. She is still my best friend and I couldn't imagine our lives without her.
Whatever you decide to do, it doesn't make you a bad person.
You should've phrased your concern better. "I invite whoever i want" is not as good as saying "I'm sorry, this event is important to me and i think it's too risky to involve someone who disrespects both you and me repeatedly and will probably do so again. Our shared history's shows that we won't enjoy spending time with him at our wedding". Or any other phrasing that shows that you've given this some thought and that it's not her fault.
I wouldn't try to control who someone's "plus one" is. I mean, a lot of people don't like, even hate, some people's spouses, but they get to come to family events and social events because it's wrong to invite one spouse and not the other.
NAH You have the right to not invite him, but you shouldn’t be surprised that she doesn’t like that and doesn’t want to attend your wedding. If he not being there is more important to you than her being there (and possible you being friends), you made the right choice for yourself.
Normally, I’d say that you invite someone and they bring a plus one. You don’t pick as it’s a plus 1, not a specific invitation to a specific extra person. However-I think this particular case is different. He’s talked shit about you to the point where you don’t like him as a person for your own reasons. At that point, it’s not about trying to be controlling and control your guests-you don’t want a toxic person who has been mean to you in the past at your wedding. That’s a pretty good reason.
I don't think she is as "close" a friend as you say/think. If her husband is talking shit about you to others, I assure you he talking shit about you in his and his wife's private conversations.
Just ask this "close" friend what her husband has said to her about you in their private conversations. If it was "shit," did your friend immediately shut it down, telling him it was not allowed to talk about her close friends like that.
If you cannot talk to her about this topic, you aren't really a "close" friend.
Difficult one. My first instinct was NTA for not inviting him, as it is your wedding day and ultimately your decision who you want there. If he speaks badly of you I totally understand why you wouldn't want him there on your special day.
However, as others have said it will put your friend in a difficult situation with her husband and ultimately she may not come without him. If you're good friends I guess you need to weigh up how important it is to you that your friend is there.
NTA
Why would you ever PAY for someone to come to your special event and insult you?? (Which is what you're doing by inviting him to the wedding.)
No one is entitled to be on your guest list, not even family. Your response to your friend was perfect. Everyone else can keep mum as it's not their business.
Congratulations and have a peaceful day!
NTA. Don’t need to have anybody you don’t want at your wedding at your wedding.
“I understand if you won’t come without him, and won’t hold that against you — but he’s not welcome.”
OP are you even sure this person is your friend? Her husband has bad mouthed you when, according to you, you’d been supportive of their relationship. You don’t mention she stood up for you or told him not to and I get the feeling that it has continued as you don’t want to invite him, which I assume means not a one time thing? So it’s clear she doesn’t stand up for you now?
I’ll ask again, sure she’s your friend? Or is she just someone you’ve known a long time who you used to be close to?
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My friend has been married for almost 3 years. They got married after talking online for a few months, spent most of their first year of marriage long distance (he was stationed with the Army in Germany and she was in California), and all the time they've physically been together has been shaky. Like, constant fighting. He's also cheated on her multiple times with multiple people. She found out about his most recent affair, like, 3 weeks ago. This all said, she keeps taking him back and I don't think they have any plans to divorce. At least not that I've heard of.
I'm getting married next year. Our wedding will have about 110 people, including my friend. I told her that I would give her a plus one, but under NO circumstances is her husband allowed to come.
I think that I should be able to include and exclude anyone I want from my wedding. I hate this guy, not just because of how he's treated my friend (although that is mainly why), but because he's also talked shit about me repeatedly. He started doing that when I was still totally in their corner, early into the relationship. When he was overseas with the Army, I sent little care packages to him when I was sending things for my friend. I referred clients to his personal training business and made sure to say hi to him whenever I did video calls with my friend.
Whether they're still married at that time next year or not, I don't want anyone who has talked poorly about me to be present on the most special day of my life. People who don't completely wish us well have no place there. At least, that's how I feel. And my fiancé supports that fully.
My friend said that I'm being an asshole for not including him because that's her husband, and they should be able to go to my wedding as a couple. She also said that it would be weird for her to bring her mom or sister as her date to my wedding. She said that as her close friend, I should want her to be happy and encourage her to have and share these experiences with her husband. I said that it's my wedding and I can invite whoever I want and if she really has that much of a problem with it, she can stay home, too. I would be sad if she wasn't there, but I also refuse to be emotionally manipulated into letting him come. Especially if he dislikes me so much, I don't understand why he would want to come in the first place.
Am I the asshole here? I understand her side and part of me questions whether I'm being too dramatic about it. I've asked my friends and family and they're kind of split between "it's your wedding, you can do whatever you want" and "it's kind of fucked up to not allow someone's partner to go with them."
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The default is that you get to invite whomever you want to your wedding. You don't like him so you are NTA for not inviting him.
However, if she's still your good friend I don't know why you'd deliberately put her in such a difficult position.
NTA for not wanting him at your wedding. And yes, it is your wedding and you get to decide who's there.
But you'll have to decide if not having him there is worth not having her there. I'd be surprised if she comes if you've disinvited/not invited her husband.
NTA, whereas him cheating is their own problem (although I despise it too), the fact that the guy can't stand you is a pretty good reason to now want him around on your wedding. Who knows, he might also make a scene there or do something to embarass you. Why would you risk that on your day?
OP- NTA- Honestly? I wouldn't invite either of them. She has been allowing her Husband to trash talk you consistently for years. Time to let this one go.... Let her know, when she is ready to find her self-respect and leave him, you will be there, but until then you need to step away. You do not want the Negative Vibes at YOUR Wedding. For those who are saying suck it up?? WHY Should You? Why should you allow someone who disrespects and bad mouths you any where near you? No. Congrats on your Upcoming Nuptuals.
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>I told her that I would give her a plus one, but under NO circumstances is her husband allowed to come.
Wow. You’re about to get lit up here. Should you
>be able to include and exclude anyone [you] want from [your] wedding
?
Yes. But with great power comes great responsibility. You are taking your friend and forcing her into a situation that will further harm her already messed up marriage. If your goal is to create further marital strife for your friend, you’re getting a gold star here.
Not inviting him would have raised an eyebrow, but ultimately it’s your wedding. But no, you have to force the issue by giving her a “non-spouse +1” — that’s an invitation innovation if ever there was one. Who is she going to bring? Her dog? Her high school boyfriend?
Seriously, what do you expect will be the outcome here? Even if she stays home, her husband will ask why. And she’ll have to explain it then. Wow did you toss her under a bus. YTA
I don't know that placing blame on me for any part of their messed up marriage would be totally fair, but I get what you're saying.
I didn't say "anyone but your spouse" on the invitation. We were having a discussion about it and I brought it up then. We've been friends for almost 15 years now, and I suggested she bring one of her three sisters or her mom instead and she said that idea made no sense. But honestly, I'd even rather her bring a Tinder hookup than this dude.
I also told her I was happy to talk to him directly if he had questions about it. I don't mind being the only bad guy in his/their eyes. What are consequences for your actions, right? Lol
Anyways. Feedback is appreciated. Just wanted to give further context bc you brought up some specifics I can actually comment on.
I’m not blaming you for any part of their messed up marriage. But your actions here are not making it better. If anything, it’s forcing your friend and her husband into a supremely uncomfortable conversation that you’ll have the luxury of avoiding altogether. It would’ve been better to say no +1, make up a venue capacity excuse, and leave it there.
Yeah I get what you're saying. Probably would have been easier to do that but I felt like she'd see through the lie. Or would at least be suspicious since I've been vocal about disliking him for the last year, when she first told me he had been cheating on her.
I guess I just don't think the conversation would be that uncomfortable. "Hey [husband], [friend] is getting married next April and I'm going to bring my sister because you hate her anyways and she doesn't want you there" seems pretty straightforward to me. Lol
Yeah I agree with you here OP...dude knows he's been badmouthing you, and I'm guessing he knows that you know? There's obviously bad blood, and I'm guessing you guys don't hang out together....otherwise, sure, mixed signals. But if he's pretty separate from you, and knows that you know all about the bad-mouthing and the cheating and the general 'OP doesn't like me and I don't like her'...it shouldn't be a surprise to him that he's not invited.
Friend should understand that their marriage has been total drama and given how things stand between you and him, you're under no obligation to make things 'good' between friend and husband.
SHE did this, not you.
YTA.
You absolutely have the right to dislike him and not want him there. However, you put those feelings away for your friend and you support her. She’ll wise up one day and for the time being she needs friends.
If he’s not allowed you should un-invite her too. Marriage is different for many. You become an entity. It is not the same as leaving your boyfriend at home.
So you think I should invite someone who's bad mouthed me unprovoked to my wedding to make my guest more comfortable?
In giving her a plus one, I thought that was still supporting. I'm not asking her to come alone, I'm asking her to bring one of her sisters, her mother, hell, literally anyone but him, instead.
You have every right to not like him. You have every right to not want him there. Dude sounds like a real winner *eyeroll* he sounds like the worst honestly.
I don’t see a path where a friend could invite me to their wedding and tell me I couldn’t bring my husband and I would still be friends with that person.
I’m saying it sounds like they’re a package deal and YTA for wanting your cake and eating it too type thing. I don’t blame you for any of it but the fact is I don’t think it’s right that you put your friend in that situation.
I think she’s going to need you when it inevitably implodes.
Ah, okay, I understand what you're saying now. Yep, that's all valid stuff. I was kind of hoping to not talk about it with her until more time has gone by and I knew if they were going to break up for real this time or not, but she brought it up when she saw our Save the Date and I laid it all out. I've spent pretty much our entire 15 year friendship catering to her and I guess my sense of empathy has just kind of given out on her. I recognize that leaving her partner out isn't necessarily the morally correct thing to do, but I want every single person at our wedding to be a person who makes me/my fiancé happy.
Honestly, I don't think that this will be the end of our friendship. We've been through harder things than this. But at the same time, even if it was the end for us, I find her shit so emotionally exhausting and time consuming that at least for right now, I'm not terribly bothered by that. Maybe I'll feel differently in 6 months, but for right now, I'm not brokenhearted over it.
I think that’s totally fair too. You’re not obligated to go on the roller coaster ride with her. Being the friend to someone in a toxic relationship is draining AF. I wish you both nothing but the best and I hope she sees the red flags and runs one day.
YTA - they are married. You are staring your own marriage showing disrespect for someone else's marriage. This whole thing of doing what you want because it is your wedding is getting out of hand to supersede proper social behaviour. At a wedding, you invite both people in a marriage. Also, she chooses to stay married to him and you are letting your own feelings supersede hers. You are disrespcting her autonomy to make choices about her own life. If I were her, I wasn't going to attend your wedding. If you said he's a drunk and would be disruptive, I get it. However, him cheating is not a good reason. No one is emotionally manipulating you - you are actually kind of cruel - you seem to be a my way or the high way type of person. Many people stay with people who cheat for tons of reason - it's not about how you feel about it. You also are not showing her care by your attitude.
Wow. You are so wrong.
HE disrespected the marriage by cheating multiple times on his wife.
HE disrepsected OP by bad mouthing her.
OP is not disrespecting their marriage, she is ensuring SHE enjoys the beginning of HER married life by not having someone present who disrespects marriage and her, the bride.
FRIEND is choosing to stay married, fine, OP keeps supporting her, but that does not carry over to an automatic invitation to her wedding...a private party for which the bride and groom get to hand pick who comes.
Friend and 'husband' need to understand the consequences of their actions.
Without getting into all the specifics of why I called it emotional manipulation, we've been friends for 15 years and there's a lot of history here. I have never put myself first like this before, but I'm putting my foot down about my wedding.
By your reasoning, I could say "you guys fight all the time so I don't want him there because if you get in a drunken argument on my wedding day, I'm going to be very upset" as the reason for him not being invited.
Personally, I think that my feelings about my wedding guests on my wedding day should supercede the feelings of any other individual, besides my fiancé's. But maybe that's just me. There may also be some cultural/generational differences here as well.
I just feel that you not wanting him because of what she confided in you as a friend with is slightly making you AH. She confided in you because she trusted you, not to use that information one day and make a decision based on that. I understand about him speaking bad of you, but in a marriage they are one and you cant really invite one and not the other
She is your friend or have you forgotten that. You are not being supportive of her. I guarantee she already feels like crap over her marriage. She doesn’t need you reminding her.
I have comforted her through almost every hiccup in their marriage. She lived with me for 3 weeks when she was figuring out what to do one of the times she found out he cheated.
That said, it's my wedding, and the focus is on me. I don't feel it is necessarily appropriate or good to invite someone I have a contentious relationship with just because he's my friend's partner.
ESH. Just because you can doesn't mean you should. It really shows your character and tends to humble people when you choose to take the higher road. A negative and a negative= negative. Kindness and forgiveness is rewarded (law of attraction not religious)
I don't think that's high school. Adults are just as capable of being petty and shitty. I've let a lot go, from both of those people, but I don't think it's a necessity to include a person who has malice for me to my wedding, just because he's my friend's partner
You've made your position clear to your fiancé, friend and husband. You have given this some thought and are settled in your views; you know your own mind and are decisive. There is no lack of clarity or ambiguity.
All that being true, the only question remaining is why you made this post. You've already formulated your stance, so what will the opinions of strangers on the internet add to this discussion?
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It is your wedding, but there's a good chance she may not show up if her husband isn't invited. Is not having her husband at your wedding more important than having your friend at your wedding?
You'd be surprised how many times I've seen this happen. As the bride she has the right to restrict whoever may come. But the guest also has a right to decide if the terms are acceptable or not go. But yes , your absolutely right. Id just let the husband come to preserve the friendship.
On the other side of the coin, I'd consider it pretty toxic for my friend to want to bring a person who has talked shit about me to my wedding. What kind of friend wants to bring that negative energy to what is supposed to be on the happiest days of OPs life? Not a very good friend, I'd say.
Or you could go with "what kind of friend constantly talks shit about someone else's husband". Tbh, not all friendships are made to last. This is one where I think they should both be uninvited and let the friendship die.
> I said that it's my wedding and I can invite whoever I want and if she really has that much of a problem with it, she can stay home, too. OP is clearly aware of this possibility.
I fee like if you read like the next line, you wouldn’t need to ask that question. OP already said if it comes down to it, she can stay home as well. So yes, it’s more important the husband not be there than the friend be there. And I get that, her goal is to be surrounded by those that love her and her fiancé, not anyone who wishes ill on them ETA: hilarious you blocked someone for simply pointing out your comment shows you didn’t really read the post well. 😂😂
Yes. I was just reminding OP of the consequences. That's it. Settle down.
I don’t think OP suddenly managed to forget that fact.
Just blocking you now. Bye!
Yup. Plus it's a stupid hill to die on. In situations like this you almost never get the whole story from "your friend" . The reality begins closed doors is often 180 degrees different. Unless he is physically abusing her or known to be a pedo, molester, or rapist I make it a habit to not get involved in my friends relationships
NTA > I said that it's my wedding and I can invite whoever I want and if she really has that much of a problem with it, she can stay home, too Disinvite her. She's letting her husband shit talk you? Not a friend.
Damn, that's a really good point honestly. I wasn't even thinking about that part of this entire situation.
To be fair, she's also letting him cheat on her and treat her like crap, so she seems fine with all crappy behaviour from this guy
She's also letting you shit talk her husband. Let the entire friendship go.
Yeah, it's either you respect your friend or not. Both ways. Your friend chooses to stay with her husband - you have to reluctantly respect her choice. Or respect yourself and choose not to be treated like OP has been. Picking and choosing is just prolonging this mess and escalating, basically.
NTA. It's your day; you get to determine who you celebrate with. This may mean that your friend doesn't attend, but that's her choice, just as it is your choice to exclude the serial cheater.
NTA. This isn't a random snub. This guy has been an asshole to you and your friend. Beyond that you talked to her in person about it and accepted that she may not want to come because of this. I don't really understand why your friend is upset. If my spouse and friend didn't get along, I wouldn't expect my spouse to be invited to the wedding.
I think Pam Beesly said it best. "It's my wedding, and I don't want anyone there who has called me 'a hussy'."
You are going to get split responses on this. On the one hand you have people who believing that you must ALWAYS invite both partners if they are married, no matter what, always and forever. On the other hand you will have people saying you are NEVER be forced to invite someone you don’t want to your wedding, and no one is entitled to a Plus One, not even parents or bridal party. Then there will be those who say, according to this etiquette handbook, you have to apply rules evenly. So if you say only married couples get plus ones, no SOs, or only bridal party get plus ones, or only immediate family get plus ones, blah blah blah. Here is my opinion, and that’s all it is, an opinion. Telling someone they can have a plus one as long as it is anyone EXCEPT their spouse is as big of a dick move as it gets. Either give them a plus one, or don’t. Saying that to your friend is a sharp stick in the eye. I am shocked she still wants to come. You owe your friend an apology. For your sake, I hope she stays just a little to mad to come, because I think you’ve lost the right to tell her she can’t bring her spouse. Had you not said anything, I bet he would have refused. But now you’ve poked the tiger and he’s going to be raring to go. So now one of three things are going to happen. 1. He is going to pitch a fit about her going, and she is not going to forgive you for causing this fight. Or 2. He is going to insist on going, promise to be a gentleman, and then blow everything up with his bad behavior and trash talk, maybe even get himself thrown out or arrested; 3. He is going to insist on going and will play the part of a gentleman, but with an edge, always skating the line, going right up to it but not over, making you constantly wary, constantly anxious, ensuring your misery right up to the last dance of the night. And this is why it is a bad idea for the bride and groom to try to weaponize invites to their wedding. You have waaaaay more to lose than anybody else.
I understand your point of view but i do not think she owes her friend an apology. If her friend’s husband has said bad things about her she has a right to not invite him. I wouldn’t want someone who has said bad things about me to be at one of the most important events of my life. If her friend doesn’t like it then she has the right not to come but this is OP’s wedding day what she and the groom say goes.
That point or view was way too long for how wrong it was. Saying they can bring anyone but the spouse is a dick move? How about reframing it correctly, from the point of view of the person getting married, you can have anyone that doesn’t talk shit about me, that I don’t hate.
NTA, but you need to let this woman go, 15 years of friendship and all. Don't have some turd who disrespects you at your wedding. Your friend has chosen him again and again, let her keep choosing him and keep them both away from your special day.
You can do whatever you want. Just be aware that excluding him from your wedding might ultimately result in her excluding you from her life. Only you can decide if you’re willing to risk that.
How important is this friend to you? Do you want to risk ending the friendship for the sake of excluding her husband? Those are questions only you can answer.
NTA Your wedding, your choice.
NTA These commentors who think you potentially burned the bridge with your good friend are clueless of the situation and your feelings. Please remember that not all people will be in your life forever. Why would you want that asshat at your wedding?? And like you said, they could be split up by then. She deserves better, but if she won't stop enabling, she'll continue to get what she's getting. Enjoy your wedding wholeheartedly ♥️
My best friend never liked my ex-husband from the second she met him. She was always polite, never said anything bad about him, but asked questions where she was concerned. I knew she didn't like him, we have been friends since we were 7 so even hiding it, I could tell. But she always included him and invited him, even when she knew he was talking shit about her and I was too scared to tell him to stop. Even when he or both of us didn't attend (the longer the relationship went on, the domestic violence increased including limiting my social interactions, physical violence, gaslighting, cheating, lying, financial abuse, sexual abuse, taking away my car, not allowing me money to pay for my phone even though I worked fulltime.... the list goes on). From what you have described of your friends' relationship, as someone who went on after leaving my husband, to gain qualifications in counselling and community services, having worked with families and people in similar situations for many years, there are a lot of red flags. Your friend's husband sounds a whole lot like my ex and many of the abusers (and victims sharing their experiences) I have worked with. I was ashamed, and embarrassed. I still heard my ex in my head telling me my bestie wouldn't believe me, and would not want to be my friend. That I was unloveable and people were only in my life to use me or because they pitied me. I have autism, and at that stage I was undiagnosed. I struggled to understand relationships. My family were addicts, I raised my brother at my house, we grew up around violence, my aunt owned brothels we were dragged to as kids, their friends were the criminal biker gangs and other addicts. I didn't know then that DV was more than just being hit because we were taught growing up that as long as you weren't hit, it wasn't abuse. Part of me knew this was false, but hearing something often can make something seem real. I had minimal to no contact with family (except my underage brother) as my husband made it almost impossible to have any contact with anyone who could see through his behaviours. Is your friendship worth sticking around? Only you can answer that. One day your friend might realise she is worth more, or she might not. Is your love for your friend going to be enough to support her? It is ok if it's not as you need to prioritise your mental health. I was lucky my best friend decided to visit twice a week when my ex wasn't home. I left at 24 and it still took me years to open up and tell her everything. It wasn't until 4 years after leaving that I felt safe, could talk about my experiences and admit I only decided to leave when my ex tried (I was pregnant and got in the way) to punch our 1yo after she bit him. I'm almost 40 and can honestly say, that without my best friend's support, I and my children would be dead. She is still my best friend and I couldn't imagine our lives without her. Whatever you decide to do, it doesn't make you a bad person.
You should've phrased your concern better. "I invite whoever i want" is not as good as saying "I'm sorry, this event is important to me and i think it's too risky to involve someone who disrespects both you and me repeatedly and will probably do so again. Our shared history's shows that we won't enjoy spending time with him at our wedding". Or any other phrasing that shows that you've given this some thought and that it's not her fault.
I wouldn't try to control who someone's "plus one" is. I mean, a lot of people don't like, even hate, some people's spouses, but they get to come to family events and social events because it's wrong to invite one spouse and not the other.
NAH You have the right to not invite him, but you shouldn’t be surprised that she doesn’t like that and doesn’t want to attend your wedding. If he not being there is more important to you than her being there (and possible you being friends), you made the right choice for yourself.
Normally, I’d say that you invite someone and they bring a plus one. You don’t pick as it’s a plus 1, not a specific invitation to a specific extra person. However-I think this particular case is different. He’s talked shit about you to the point where you don’t like him as a person for your own reasons. At that point, it’s not about trying to be controlling and control your guests-you don’t want a toxic person who has been mean to you in the past at your wedding. That’s a pretty good reason.
I don't think she is as "close" a friend as you say/think. If her husband is talking shit about you to others, I assure you he talking shit about you in his and his wife's private conversations. Just ask this "close" friend what her husband has said to her about you in their private conversations. If it was "shit," did your friend immediately shut it down, telling him it was not allowed to talk about her close friends like that. If you cannot talk to her about this topic, you aren't really a "close" friend.
Difficult one. My first instinct was NTA for not inviting him, as it is your wedding day and ultimately your decision who you want there. If he speaks badly of you I totally understand why you wouldn't want him there on your special day. However, as others have said it will put your friend in a difficult situation with her husband and ultimately she may not come without him. If you're good friends I guess you need to weigh up how important it is to you that your friend is there.
NTA Why would you ever PAY for someone to come to your special event and insult you?? (Which is what you're doing by inviting him to the wedding.) No one is entitled to be on your guest list, not even family. Your response to your friend was perfect. Everyone else can keep mum as it's not their business. Congratulations and have a peaceful day!
NTA. Don’t need to have anybody you don’t want at your wedding at your wedding. “I understand if you won’t come without him, and won’t hold that against you — but he’s not welcome.”
OP are you even sure this person is your friend? Her husband has bad mouthed you when, according to you, you’d been supportive of their relationship. You don’t mention she stood up for you or told him not to and I get the feeling that it has continued as you don’t want to invite him, which I assume means not a one time thing? So it’s clear she doesn’t stand up for you now? I’ll ask again, sure she’s your friend? Or is she just someone you’ve known a long time who you used to be close to?
Nta at all. You loving everyone there is most important.
NTA but cut the +1 completely for the friend op
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My friend has been married for almost 3 years. They got married after talking online for a few months, spent most of their first year of marriage long distance (he was stationed with the Army in Germany and she was in California), and all the time they've physically been together has been shaky. Like, constant fighting. He's also cheated on her multiple times with multiple people. She found out about his most recent affair, like, 3 weeks ago. This all said, she keeps taking him back and I don't think they have any plans to divorce. At least not that I've heard of. I'm getting married next year. Our wedding will have about 110 people, including my friend. I told her that I would give her a plus one, but under NO circumstances is her husband allowed to come. I think that I should be able to include and exclude anyone I want from my wedding. I hate this guy, not just because of how he's treated my friend (although that is mainly why), but because he's also talked shit about me repeatedly. He started doing that when I was still totally in their corner, early into the relationship. When he was overseas with the Army, I sent little care packages to him when I was sending things for my friend. I referred clients to his personal training business and made sure to say hi to him whenever I did video calls with my friend. Whether they're still married at that time next year or not, I don't want anyone who has talked poorly about me to be present on the most special day of my life. People who don't completely wish us well have no place there. At least, that's how I feel. And my fiancé supports that fully. My friend said that I'm being an asshole for not including him because that's her husband, and they should be able to go to my wedding as a couple. She also said that it would be weird for her to bring her mom or sister as her date to my wedding. She said that as her close friend, I should want her to be happy and encourage her to have and share these experiences with her husband. I said that it's my wedding and I can invite whoever I want and if she really has that much of a problem with it, she can stay home, too. I would be sad if she wasn't there, but I also refuse to be emotionally manipulated into letting him come. Especially if he dislikes me so much, I don't understand why he would want to come in the first place. Am I the asshole here? I understand her side and part of me questions whether I'm being too dramatic about it. I've asked my friends and family and they're kind of split between "it's your wedding, you can do whatever you want" and "it's kind of fucked up to not allow someone's partner to go with them." *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The default is that you get to invite whomever you want to your wedding. You don't like him so you are NTA for not inviting him. However, if she's still your good friend I don't know why you'd deliberately put her in such a difficult position.
NTA for not wanting him at your wedding. And yes, it is your wedding and you get to decide who's there. But you'll have to decide if not having him there is worth not having her there. I'd be surprised if she comes if you've disinvited/not invited her husband.
NTA, whereas him cheating is their own problem (although I despise it too), the fact that the guy can't stand you is a pretty good reason to now want him around on your wedding. Who knows, he might also make a scene there or do something to embarass you. Why would you risk that on your day?
OP- NTA- Honestly? I wouldn't invite either of them. She has been allowing her Husband to trash talk you consistently for years. Time to let this one go.... Let her know, when she is ready to find her self-respect and leave him, you will be there, but until then you need to step away. You do not want the Negative Vibes at YOUR Wedding. For those who are saying suck it up?? WHY Should You? Why should you allow someone who disrespects and bad mouths you any where near you? No. Congrats on your Upcoming Nuptuals.
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>I told her that I would give her a plus one, but under NO circumstances is her husband allowed to come. Wow. You’re about to get lit up here. Should you >be able to include and exclude anyone [you] want from [your] wedding ? Yes. But with great power comes great responsibility. You are taking your friend and forcing her into a situation that will further harm her already messed up marriage. If your goal is to create further marital strife for your friend, you’re getting a gold star here. Not inviting him would have raised an eyebrow, but ultimately it’s your wedding. But no, you have to force the issue by giving her a “non-spouse +1” — that’s an invitation innovation if ever there was one. Who is she going to bring? Her dog? Her high school boyfriend? Seriously, what do you expect will be the outcome here? Even if she stays home, her husband will ask why. And she’ll have to explain it then. Wow did you toss her under a bus. YTA
I don't know that placing blame on me for any part of their messed up marriage would be totally fair, but I get what you're saying. I didn't say "anyone but your spouse" on the invitation. We were having a discussion about it and I brought it up then. We've been friends for almost 15 years now, and I suggested she bring one of her three sisters or her mom instead and she said that idea made no sense. But honestly, I'd even rather her bring a Tinder hookup than this dude. I also told her I was happy to talk to him directly if he had questions about it. I don't mind being the only bad guy in his/their eyes. What are consequences for your actions, right? Lol Anyways. Feedback is appreciated. Just wanted to give further context bc you brought up some specifics I can actually comment on.
I’m not blaming you for any part of their messed up marriage. But your actions here are not making it better. If anything, it’s forcing your friend and her husband into a supremely uncomfortable conversation that you’ll have the luxury of avoiding altogether. It would’ve been better to say no +1, make up a venue capacity excuse, and leave it there.
Yeah I get what you're saying. Probably would have been easier to do that but I felt like she'd see through the lie. Or would at least be suspicious since I've been vocal about disliking him for the last year, when she first told me he had been cheating on her. I guess I just don't think the conversation would be that uncomfortable. "Hey [husband], [friend] is getting married next April and I'm going to bring my sister because you hate her anyways and she doesn't want you there" seems pretty straightforward to me. Lol
Yeah I agree with you here OP...dude knows he's been badmouthing you, and I'm guessing he knows that you know? There's obviously bad blood, and I'm guessing you guys don't hang out together....otherwise, sure, mixed signals. But if he's pretty separate from you, and knows that you know all about the bad-mouthing and the cheating and the general 'OP doesn't like me and I don't like her'...it shouldn't be a surprise to him that he's not invited. Friend should understand that their marriage has been total drama and given how things stand between you and him, you're under no obligation to make things 'good' between friend and husband. SHE did this, not you.
…I think you can see the issue 😂
NTA. Your wedding, your rules, thats it.
Don’t expect her to come without her husband. You are setting her up for failure. Not nice.
YTA. You absolutely have the right to dislike him and not want him there. However, you put those feelings away for your friend and you support her. She’ll wise up one day and for the time being she needs friends. If he’s not allowed you should un-invite her too. Marriage is different for many. You become an entity. It is not the same as leaving your boyfriend at home.
So you think I should invite someone who's bad mouthed me unprovoked to my wedding to make my guest more comfortable? In giving her a plus one, I thought that was still supporting. I'm not asking her to come alone, I'm asking her to bring one of her sisters, her mother, hell, literally anyone but him, instead.
You have every right to not like him. You have every right to not want him there. Dude sounds like a real winner *eyeroll* he sounds like the worst honestly. I don’t see a path where a friend could invite me to their wedding and tell me I couldn’t bring my husband and I would still be friends with that person. I’m saying it sounds like they’re a package deal and YTA for wanting your cake and eating it too type thing. I don’t blame you for any of it but the fact is I don’t think it’s right that you put your friend in that situation. I think she’s going to need you when it inevitably implodes.
Ah, okay, I understand what you're saying now. Yep, that's all valid stuff. I was kind of hoping to not talk about it with her until more time has gone by and I knew if they were going to break up for real this time or not, but she brought it up when she saw our Save the Date and I laid it all out. I've spent pretty much our entire 15 year friendship catering to her and I guess my sense of empathy has just kind of given out on her. I recognize that leaving her partner out isn't necessarily the morally correct thing to do, but I want every single person at our wedding to be a person who makes me/my fiancé happy. Honestly, I don't think that this will be the end of our friendship. We've been through harder things than this. But at the same time, even if it was the end for us, I find her shit so emotionally exhausting and time consuming that at least for right now, I'm not terribly bothered by that. Maybe I'll feel differently in 6 months, but for right now, I'm not brokenhearted over it.
I think that’s totally fair too. You’re not obligated to go on the roller coaster ride with her. Being the friend to someone in a toxic relationship is draining AF. I wish you both nothing but the best and I hope she sees the red flags and runs one day.
YTA - they are married. You are staring your own marriage showing disrespect for someone else's marriage. This whole thing of doing what you want because it is your wedding is getting out of hand to supersede proper social behaviour. At a wedding, you invite both people in a marriage. Also, she chooses to stay married to him and you are letting your own feelings supersede hers. You are disrespcting her autonomy to make choices about her own life. If I were her, I wasn't going to attend your wedding. If you said he's a drunk and would be disruptive, I get it. However, him cheating is not a good reason. No one is emotionally manipulating you - you are actually kind of cruel - you seem to be a my way or the high way type of person. Many people stay with people who cheat for tons of reason - it's not about how you feel about it. You also are not showing her care by your attitude.
Wow. You are so wrong. HE disrespected the marriage by cheating multiple times on his wife. HE disrepsected OP by bad mouthing her. OP is not disrespecting their marriage, she is ensuring SHE enjoys the beginning of HER married life by not having someone present who disrespects marriage and her, the bride. FRIEND is choosing to stay married, fine, OP keeps supporting her, but that does not carry over to an automatic invitation to her wedding...a private party for which the bride and groom get to hand pick who comes. Friend and 'husband' need to understand the consequences of their actions.
Without getting into all the specifics of why I called it emotional manipulation, we've been friends for 15 years and there's a lot of history here. I have never put myself first like this before, but I'm putting my foot down about my wedding. By your reasoning, I could say "you guys fight all the time so I don't want him there because if you get in a drunken argument on my wedding day, I'm going to be very upset" as the reason for him not being invited. Personally, I think that my feelings about my wedding guests on my wedding day should supercede the feelings of any other individual, besides my fiancé's. But maybe that's just me. There may also be some cultural/generational differences here as well.
I just feel that you not wanting him because of what she confided in you as a friend with is slightly making you AH. She confided in you because she trusted you, not to use that information one day and make a decision based on that. I understand about him speaking bad of you, but in a marriage they are one and you cant really invite one and not the other
So, you really don’t want opinions…
She is your friend or have you forgotten that. You are not being supportive of her. I guarantee she already feels like crap over her marriage. She doesn’t need you reminding her.
I have comforted her through almost every hiccup in their marriage. She lived with me for 3 weeks when she was figuring out what to do one of the times she found out he cheated. That said, it's my wedding, and the focus is on me. I don't feel it is necessarily appropriate or good to invite someone I have a contentious relationship with just because he's my friend's partner.
ESH. Just because you can doesn't mean you should. It really shows your character and tends to humble people when you choose to take the higher road. A negative and a negative= negative. Kindness and forgiveness is rewarded (law of attraction not religious)
YTA. You don't get to undermine someone else's marraige using this sort of pettiness. Either invite both or neither.
It's not just about their marriage. He was literally talking shit about me when I was nothing but supportive?
Let stuff go. This isn't high school.
I don't think that's high school. Adults are just as capable of being petty and shitty. I've let a lot go, from both of those people, but I don't think it's a necessity to include a person who has malice for me to my wedding, just because he's my friend's partner
You've made your position clear to your fiancé, friend and husband. You have given this some thought and are settled in your views; you know your own mind and are decisive. There is no lack of clarity or ambiguity. All that being true, the only question remaining is why you made this post. You've already formulated your stance, so what will the opinions of strangers on the internet add to this discussion?
YTa you just lost that friend.