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Background. We've been together for almost 20 years. Two kids. He has cheated once that I know of; about 10 years ago, before we got married. It was all virtual, with pictures sent. I count this as cheating. We worked through it. He tends to have really close relationships with female colleagues, basically like work wives. I've discussed boundaries before when he's done things that make me uncomfortable, such as discussing our relationship negatively with them. My reasoning is that I don't know them or their motives, and if they have or develop feelings for him then showing any cracks in our relationship could encourage them and potentially lead to issues. He's assured me that he never has feelings, I think he often develops these "friendships" as a bit of an ego boost but mainly as he just connects better emotionally with women.
So lately he's been very distant. I've tried talking about it, and he doesn't really have an explanation. I never usually look through his phone, but something just made me suspicious, especially as he seems protective of it all of a sudden. So today when he left it, I looked, very briefly, at some messages with one of his female colleagues. There were some work related messages, but within the last few days also messages about her basically being either "number 3 or 5 on his list" of say "brunettes". Then naming some celebrity women with same colour hair. She suggested another celebrity, and he said something to imply she wasn't helping herself by bringing them up. Some other messages that were in my opinion flirty.
I feel devastated. He's really broken assurances that he never acts like this, and given the cheating in the past and how distant he's been, I can't come up with a decent explanation and don't think I'd believe or trust one he gave me. But I also feel guilt for looking through his messages, and feel like I'm in a difficult position to bring anything up.
So AITA for looking?
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> 1 - I looked through his phone without asking
2 - breaks trust
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ESH. You shouldn't be going through his phone. He has a right to privacy. Its also a tad farfetched to say he's flirting therefore he's cheating. He might be sending someone mixed messages about his availability and therefore he sucks. Plus he agreed not to behave like that.
Personally I don't see a problem with innocent flirting.
ESH. Neither of you should be in this relationship. You don't trust him and violated his privacy and he has been unfaithful. Neither of you is mature enough to be in a relationship, period.
NTA for looking AT ALL. Your husband is a weasel. You didn't trust him to be honest, for good reason, so you needed to find the truth for yourself. Which you did, sadly.
Flirting in itself isn't cheating, but there's something about doing it in writing that makes it more calculated and deliberate, and therefore more impactful to your relationship. And it suggests that more may be going on.
Husband sounds quite pathetic, really. At best he's using these women to bolster his sad little ego, at worst he's sleeping with them, probably for the same reason.
Hope you're able to find a resolution about this, either with or without your husband.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Background. We've been together for almost 20 years. Two kids. He has cheated once that I know of; about 10 years ago, before we got married. It was all virtual, with pictures sent. I count this as cheating. We worked through it. He tends to have really close relationships with female colleagues, basically like work wives. I've discussed boundaries before when he's done things that make me uncomfortable, such as discussing our relationship negatively with them. My reasoning is that I don't know them or their motives, and if they have or develop feelings for him then showing any cracks in our relationship could encourage them and potentially lead to issues. He's assured me that he never has feelings, I think he often develops these "friendships" as a bit of an ego boost but mainly as he just connects better emotionally with women. So lately he's been very distant. I've tried talking about it, and he doesn't really have an explanation. I never usually look through his phone, but something just made me suspicious, especially as he seems protective of it all of a sudden. So today when he left it, I looked, very briefly, at some messages with one of his female colleagues. There were some work related messages, but within the last few days also messages about her basically being either "number 3 or 5 on his list" of say "brunettes". Then naming some celebrity women with same colour hair. She suggested another celebrity, and he said something to imply she wasn't helping herself by bringing them up. Some other messages that were in my opinion flirty. I feel devastated. He's really broken assurances that he never acts like this, and given the cheating in the past and how distant he's been, I can't come up with a decent explanation and don't think I'd believe or trust one he gave me. But I also feel guilt for looking through his messages, and feel like I'm in a difficult position to bring anything up. So AITA for looking? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1 - I looked through his phone without asking 2 - breaks trust Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
ESH. You shouldn't be going through his phone. He has a right to privacy. Its also a tad farfetched to say he's flirting therefore he's cheating. He might be sending someone mixed messages about his availability and therefore he sucks. Plus he agreed not to behave like that. Personally I don't see a problem with innocent flirting.
ESH. Neither of you should be in this relationship. You don't trust him and violated his privacy and he has been unfaithful. Neither of you is mature enough to be in a relationship, period.
NTA for looking AT ALL. Your husband is a weasel. You didn't trust him to be honest, for good reason, so you needed to find the truth for yourself. Which you did, sadly. Flirting in itself isn't cheating, but there's something about doing it in writing that makes it more calculated and deliberate, and therefore more impactful to your relationship. And it suggests that more may be going on. Husband sounds quite pathetic, really. At best he's using these women to bolster his sad little ego, at worst he's sleeping with them, probably for the same reason. Hope you're able to find a resolution about this, either with or without your husband.
YTA