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YTA. It’s obvious that you have a huge chip on your shoulder about your fiancé’s best friend just because he’s a guy, so now you’re using this “girls only” thing to get him out of the way. Also, “girls?” You’re not in high school going to prom. You’re getting married. They’re women. You’re sexist and jealous and seem way too immature to be getting married. I hope she sees you for what you are and gets away from you.
I really hope this is a rage bait post. To not be able to see the hypocrisy in having his sister (whom he’s known his whole life) on his side, but DEMAND that she not have her male best friend of decades on hers is absolutely insane. If I were the fiancé, I’d call the whole thing off because OP’s empathetic skills are clearly nonexistent.
FYI, if your wife can’t pick her own maid of honor/best man/person, she should prob just leave you now, it’s a sign of over controlling to come. Short of the person being a pedophile or something like that, zero reason for you to exert any control or say here. YTA.
YTA. He's been a part of her life for forever, they're essentially family. You are enforcing a double-standard here. This part:
>I told her that and she got defensive, saying that if I could have a girl in my side of the party (the girl being my older sister who practically raised me), she could have a guy. I said that it was a different circumstance, and that I wouldn’t allow her best friend to be her man of honor.
She's 100% right. This weird desire to uphold traditional gender roles when you aren't even being held to that standard is insane to me. He's her best friend. They grew up together. Family isn't just blood relation, you know.
Even if it's not some weird pent-up jealousy, simply saying no because you don't like someone is childish. She's 100% in the right when she says "It's my wedding, too." That's far from the only childish thing in this post, too. The part where you comment on how small that guy is... that's absurdly childish. Nobody cares that you can beat up the small gay guy who cares about his friend. Why even include that detail? It's not going to endear you to people, it's just embarrassing.
Also, the part about it not ruining the friendship. If my best friend didn't let me into his wedding, it would 100% ruin the relationship. That is a very big part of anyone's life and to not include someone you are very close to is a huge insult
Yeah this is a pure dick move. If he's this controlling over her friends before the wedding I don't imagine this just goes away after they get married.
It's such a weird thing for him to draw the line at. Like based on his edit, I would say ESH because it seems like his fiancee has refused to compromise on anything. But he should have put his foot down on not having the wedding when his allergies will be acting up, or including some aspects from his culture, but *her* wedding party is one thing she shouldn't have to compromise on. I genuinely just don't think these two people should be getting married.
>I really love her, and I don’t want to loose her. I just dont want her best friend to be a part of our day.
You only get to say that if her best friend as done something bad, like stole money from you, or took a shit in the middle of the floor at the engagement party. You are being unreasonable. You're only reason for not wanting him there is that's he's a guy and you are jealous. That's not a good enough reason, especially when you are having a woman in your wedding party.
You are going to lose her, because you want her to be unhappy and have someone she loves excluded from her wedding, for selfish reasons.
YTA
YTA. I can't wait to see the comments on this.
>I just dont want her best friend to be a part of our day.
Let that sink in, then imagine that she said the same to you.
Yes YTA. Your reasoning makes no sense. If she should only have girls on her side, then your sister should not be on your side, Not including him WILL hurt their relationship. You sound jealous. For the record - you saying that you won’t allow him to be in the bridal party is controlling AF.
Guys, how am I going to break it to my best friend that the facts that we hang out together and I told her now fiancé he better not hurt her has meant I have secretly wanted to date her all this time....
YTA, you are showing your fiance that your masculinity is fragile and her relationship with her lifelong best friend threatens it on some level.
Personally, I would break off the engagement if I were her because you are going to AH about her having a male best friend who is gay even more so after the wedding.
Yta. And if this is real (doubtful since you called women girls. sorry but weddings off she dumped you. She's not returning calls or texts.
Thank God you showed your true colors before the wedding and she found out about them. She now knows you're a hypocrite (you're allowed to have your sister stand next to you but she's not allowed to have her male bsf) and controlling.
I wanted to give the benefit of the doubt, but the more I read the more confident I became of my opinion. YTA. No matter how I read this, you come off as someone threatened by the fact that your fiance has a close, life long friendship with a man who has never had romantic feelings for her, gay or not. Who, by your own admission, you don't even find physically threatening. So what is there to be threatened by?
You won’t allow her best friend to be in the wedding? You’re not even married and you’re already acting like your opinion matters more than hers. You’re jealous of her gay best friend? You need to get a grip and grow up or you’re gonna lose your fiancée.
YTA
YTA - That's a lot of words to just say you're ragingly jealous of the relationship and don't like him. And of course trying to bar a best friend was always going to be a bad move
YTA. She can't have a man in her party, because well, he's a man. But you can have a woman in your party because she's your sister, and "I said so!" Grow up.
YTA. This guy is her best friend, you know they’re not secretly in love. If you love your girl, it shouldn’t matter to you. “I wouldn’t allow her”? She probably just realized you’re a controlling AH.
ETA: Don’t worry: she can’t make him be in your wedding—if SHE decides not to be in your wedding…
YTA and seem incredibly insecure. This is her best friend who she is very close too. They have no past history of being involved and he’s not into her, and he is gay. I am failing to understand why he can’t be on her own wedding court.
Cause where does it end? First you say he can’t be in the wedding on her side. Do you tell her next she can’t be friends with him? Cause it’s not too far fetched.
YTA. And I think she is now your EX-fiancée, thank goodness!!! Dear heavens, work on yourself. Your a HUGE AH. And I don't see you getting married anytime soon. Glad she saw you for who you really are before she said, "I do".
YTA. One of my best friends is a gay man and he was in our wedding, on my side, in a suit that matched the color of the bridesmaid dresses. In the program and on our website, he was called “Bridesman”. I wouldn’t have had it any other way because he is just as instrumental in my life as any of the girlfriends who stood up there with me. Your response comes across as both homophobic and incredibly insecure. Rather than put the burden of your issues on your fiancé, perhaps you should speak to a counselor about why your fiancé having a gay best friend makes you so uncomfortable.
ETA: When you hear people use the phrase “fragile masculinity”, this is what they mean. Your fiancé and her best friend are not the problem. This is 100% a you problem.
So - it’s not because of tradition- because if tradition dictates you would not have your sister by your side. You can keep saying it’s traditional and all that - but as long as you break tradition (biological family or not) that’s a bunch of BS.
So either 1). You just hate the guy; 2) you’re jealous of him or 3) you’re a homophobe.
YTA. Personally I’m assuming number 3 because anyone who goes so far out of their way to be like “I’m not homophobic” is protesting too much.
Good luck with your next relationship. I hope you grow.
Maybe you're not homophobic, but you are sexist. She wants her best friend to have a major role in her wedding (it's as much your wedding as it is hers!), you're just looking for a problem to have with him. Do you feel insecure bc you're not the only important man in her life that she's not related to?
And if I'm reading too much into it, as long as she's not recruiting someone who'd hurt you into her wedding party it's entirely up to her who she gets, gender irrelevant. YTA
“Wouldn’t allow” 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Yup, YTA
You really love but don’t want her **best friend** to part of your wedding.
You are delusional and will be lucky if she doesn’t cancel you.
YTA. You don't have any legitimate reasons to not be comfortable with her having him in her bridal party. You're insecure about her having a male friend clearly, and are demanding she make herself unhappy to protect your very fragile sense of masculinity. He is family to her, and you're being a hypocrite. My bet is this boils down to some blend of protecting a sense of stupid male honor or ownership feelings toward her, as well as general disrespect toward her choices. She's not a toy you have to "share" with him, she's a full blown person who is rightfully rethinking the relationship.
She should probably not marry you.
You need to change your attitude if you want a successful marriage. As soon as you start talking about \`\`letting'' your intended spouse do things on your wedding day (or ever, really), you're not treating your intended as an equal partner. So back off and rethink your attitude towards marriage in general. The wedding planning should be the two of you competing to make each other the most happy, not trying to control attendance (unless its a person who will wreck things for others, which doesn't seem to apply here.) You're going to have to negotiate with your spouse several times a day for the rest of your lives. Consider this practice on how to give a groveling apology when you are in the wrong.
YTA - While having or not having any person in your wedding should be a joint decision between you two, I think that it really isn't your place to demand who she has as her MOH. That's not your place. Would you be accommodating to her is she wanted you to change your choice for best man? I don't think so. So suck it up. put your big boy pants on and stop objecting to such a ridiculous demand.
YTA. You each get to choose the important people in your life to stand up with you at your wedding.
You make no sense. First you were afraid they had a hidden attraction for each other. When she told you he was gay you should have let go of that concern. So you're just jealous she has a relationship with anyone other than you?!? Grow up dude.
YTA it is her best friend of course she would want him at the wedding
Just because you don't like him doesn't mean that you can decide to ban him from your future wife's important day.
He was there for her since childhood, way before she met you, learn to deal with the fact he's a man..
Are you really that selfish, jealous, petty and controlling you wouldn't let your WIFE'S best friend in to your wedding?
What an awful way to start a marriage
YTA.
You are controlling.
You have some sort of weird trust issue.
You think that blood relation matters above all else.
You’re arguing with everyone here claiming you’re right instead of listening.
You’re mysoginistic.
The list goes on and on. You have given no good reason for not wanting him next to her. “He’s not blood” is not a good excuse. At all.
It’s this simple: if you don’t want to lose her, get your head out of your butt and apologize. Repeatedly.
100% grade A YTA and also given your sister is in your "wedding court" a total hypocrite as well.
INFO: There is ONE way --- and only ONE WAY that you might not be the AH. Tell your sister that she's out of the wedding party because she's a different gender. TOTALLY OUT-- even if she cries and is super sad you boot her.
If you aren't willing to do that then you are irredeemably the AH here and, seriously OPs finacee, on the off chance you come across this post RUN NOW.
If you "really love her and don't want to lose her" back off this position NOW. Call her up and apologize for being a gigantic controlling and selfish jerk, and that of course she can have her best friend in her wedding party with her. Tell her you don't know what got into you.
You need to learn when you are up against someone core values. That you compared this to compromising on bowties shows you don't have a fucking clue.
She is not going to compromise on this one. You will lose her if you don't back off of this. If you haven't already, that is. That is your only way out of this.
YTA.
I hope your fiancée takes your revelation of what you are really like behind the mask to heart and proceeds accordingly. Sounds like she may have done so already.
YTA. Here's what's going to happen: Her oldest, most treasured friend in her life will back down, convince her to ask someone else to take his place. He'll still go to the wedding but it will be awkward. Everyone who knows what happened is going to feel awkward. There will be resentment. She might even resent your sister. Right now you're breaking her heart and your only defense is *"he's not family."*
He's family TO HER.
YTA yikes yikes yikes. So you can have a woman in your grooms party but she can't have a man? Double standards. She's known her best friend her whole life and you've known your sister your whole life. Your sister was there for you through thick and thin, her best friend was there for her through thick and thin. It's really not that different.
You have given zero reason for not liking him aside from the fact that your jealous how close they are, and even that's bs since it's very obviously a platonic relationship given his sexuality. You laughed at him trying to give the shovel talk but don't seem to appreciate that your fiancee has someone who cares so much for her and how it's good she has another person on her side.
Sure maybe not having him in her bridal party might not hurt their friendship but it's damn well gonna hurt your marriage.
YTA. You don't get to "let" her do anything. She does not need your permission. She doesn't need to dump friends bc of your insecurity. Who do you think you are?
Today it's her friend, what is it going to be tomorrow?
YTA please see a therapist for your insecurities & desire to control your fiancée. If you don’t make some attitude changes you risk losing her forever.
It makes no sense at all what you are writing. You hate him and you dont want him there. Why you hate him, we dont know. Instead you write some random BS that we are supposed to buy. The thing is this is your future wifes best friend. Of course it Will hurt their relationship if he is not invited.
YTA and you should get over yourself.
YTA. You’re gonna find something to be mad at everytime something isn’t going your way. She probably talked about marriage and her future wedding when they were young.
Next you’ll be mad when you two have a child that turns out to be a boy and likes mama more than dad.
Lose the attitude, it’s not just your wedding day. It’s your marriage and lifetime spouse on the line.
YTA. This is insecurity on your part. Dude, she's right, it is her wedding too. Why can't she have people who are important to her in her wedding party? You imply you aren't threatened by him yet here you are acting threatened by him. From her perspective, this is a red flag. What are you worried about? Are you embarrassed about what your family might think? Do you think his presence will overshadow your wedding? What?
Yta, to have a female on your side and not allow her to have her gay non threatening best man friend in her party is astounding to me. He didn't do anything to you, you laughed off his one attempt at trying to be protective of someone whom loves her as family. You haven't provided any proof of why he should be her man of honor. So yes, you are the AH!
Get over yourself Mr. Hypocrisy and change that attitude or you will find out that you won't have to worry about this because she most likely won't attend either. Hell, if she's smart she'll see the red flag and will ditch you.
I read this, and I kept waiting for one single mention of a problem that would explain why you disliked the guy or would try to dictate who could participate to support your fiancée.
Him being a guy is not a reason.
Him being gay is not a reason.
I think that the person who should not participate in this wedding might be you. YTA.
YTA. I read this a few times and could not see any rational reason why you’d have a problem with this man except for unmitigated jealousy. He’s your fiancee’s best friend. He’s never done anything to you. Just leave it before she leaves you.
YTA
There is nothing here that would even begin to suggest a reason why you would not be an AH here. None of your arguments in your post or reonses in the comments have begun to deter me from my whole hearted belief you are being a total AH here. You should really consider backtracking and issuing a heartfelt apology before she realizes the mistake she is making.
If you are gonna start controlling her literally before the wedding, I can't imagine the kind of husband you'd be. What's the next thing you "won't allow". Hopefully she is already running for the hills.
YTA
Your insecure, you try to control her. Her best friend can’t be a guy ? And even knowing he is gay, you don’t want him around ? He is a brother to her, he is protective, too protective for you. You feel insecure because you know that he will protect her from you, and that you’re intentions aren’t good. Proof ? You already want to control who is authorized to be her « Maid of honor », the person she trusts te most to witness her wedding.
What’s next ? She won’t be allowed to work with male colleagues ?
My initial response was YTA
Following your edit : You're both AH
Having one rule for you, and another for her, ie. You having an opposite sex member in your squad and not allowing the same for her = AH
Her forcing you to get married in a field during peak pollination knowing you suffer with allergies = AH
**EDIT to add**
She doesn't want to partake in your cultural wedding traditions because she wants it to be "traditional" in her sense of the word? = AH
The whole situation sounds toxic tbh. I hope everything gets worked out by the wedding. Best wishes
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> I said I wouldn’t allow my fiancées guy best friend be her man of honor at our wedding
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Yup. YTA. You don't get to dictate who she has stand up for her or control who her friends are.
No, the circumstances of you getting to have your sister in your wedding are not "different." You're being a giant hypocrite.
Your being this hypocritical and controlling are gigantic red flags. You'd be lucky if there's a wedding at all at this point. If it were me, I'd kick your arrogant ass to the curb. Who do you think you are?
YTA. WHY do you think it’s important she should only have women in her bridal party? Hm? Why is being traditional important here? It doesn’t matter that your excuse for having a woman on your side is that she is bio family. A lot of people have women they love in their family! But that isn’t in an of itself is a reason to break traditions. You have a reason include your sister and that is because you love her and it is your honor to have her be in the wedding. Well the same can be said of your fiancée and her best friend.
So you’re gonna need a damn good reason why he shouldn’t be included other than you just don’t think so/don’t want it. Explain yourself instead of just saying “I’m not threatened” or “well there should be time of compromise and forfeit”. You’re not communicating to her why this is important enough that she should forfeit.
If you truly don’t have a deeper reason to deny her having her best friend as her man of honor, then you’re actually just being controlling. That’s it. This is an important subject to her, you don’t have an important reason to contradict her, but still you’re making demands as if you’re justified. And if you are just being controlling for controlling’s sake then it’s really much better that nobody marry you.
YTA.
I clicked expecting a sordid tale of dreadful behaviour such as criminal activity, trying to steal your girl, or deliberately ruining the hen do.
You don't like him, fine. You won't need to say a word to him at the wedding, he won't be standing on your side of the group photos, and there will be plenty of wedding pictures with just the two of you or in small groups of other people that you will be able to look at to relive memories if you want.
The double standard of you having a woman in your party while trying to insist that your fiancee stick to one gender just seals it.
This is weirdly controlling. What next, banning him from the house?
I hope your fiancée will run far away.
You sound toxic as fuck.
* Controlling : She can't choose someone important for her to be part of her wedding (yes it's also her wedding, not only your).
* Diminishing : By jugding by the physique of somebody
* Judgmental : Who are you to judge who is more important ? Family or friend ? Who are you to decide your feeling for you sister is far more important than her feeling for her friend ? Family is not only blood.
And If you love your fiancée, you should be happy to know that her friend care for her and her well being.
By warning you to don't break her heart. It's not a threat, it's mean he care and it's a good thing.
If you really don't want to loose her, stop to think only about you.
Stop to have the toxic moron attitude.
If you don't see that, I hope she will choose what is best for her. Her friend.
(YTA)
YTA. I would not marry you if you tried telling me who could be on my side of the bridal party.
>I wouldn’t allow her best friend to be her man of honor.
If my husband ever told me that he wouldn't allow me to do something, that would probably be the end of our relationship unless it was for my safety. You're just a controlling a hole. I hope she sees the red Flags you are flying.
Sorry but as the majority have said YTA,
This guy is her best friend, and has been for a long time. That means he's her family. Sharing with blood with someone doesn't mean more, if anything those that chose to be in your life mean even more as these people pick you for you and not because they have to.
If you continue to push this and force her to not have him in her wedding party you'll lose her. Even if she does marry you she'll always remember this and it'll come up in arguments etc and it'll be held over your relationship forever.
I really feel for your fiancé, I hope she's doing ok.
YTA majorly here. You are obviously threatened by him and for no reason especially considering he’s GAY. If you don’t think a guy should be standing on her side then a woman shouldn’t be standing on your side, family or not. You are controlling her choices. It also sounds like you don’t want him to attend the wedding at all which is definitely not cool. They have never given you a reason to believe there’s anything between them and it says as much since she wants him to be maid of honor. This is also her wedding day not just yours. Either compromise or let her invite who she wants. From the sounds of it, you’ll probably try to pull the husband card in the future to end the friendship anyway. If I was her Id run FAR AWAY.
NTA. Corny man threatening me when my partner walks away? Most people in here are blind to red flags. If someone who was friends with my fiance threaten me after my partner walks away and my partner wants to defend someone like that. Count that girl back on the streets.
After reading the edits you're still kinda TA but you guys really aren't compatible. You had no reason to demand her friend be left out, that's just you being insecure and controlling. But she is also being extremely unreasonable and kinda bigoted because she's unwilling to compromise on anything or even entertain the idea of participating in your culture.
Honestly consider it a wash at this point. You've both seen each other for who you truly are here and neither one likes what they see. So walk away and find someone more compatible. 6 years isn't as big an investment as say 20 yrs with the wrong person. Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy. It's ok to walk away and start over, especially since you two are so young.
If you want to give it a shot though, I'd suggest postponing any wedding planning until the two of you go to couples counseling and get things figured out. You're both ignoring things that are important to the other and you're both demanding it's your way. That's not how a healthy relationship works. I've been with my husband for about 20 years now and the biggest hurdle was getting over our own selfishness when we were young and learning to communicate and compromise with each other.
Was ready to say y t a, but after reading the edit it’s an ESH from me. Doesn’t sound to me like either of you are emotionally ready for marriage and the whole thing is doomed to fail.
Marriage is about compromise. It’s about loving someone else enough for their happiness to be one of the most important factors in your decision making process. And I am not seeing that here at all.
From your edits it’s clear how ready she is to steamroll your wishes. Colour schemes, suits, and music selection are relatively minor things, but completely blowing off all your cultural traditions, and not taking your allergies into consideration at all are just huge nopes.
And as for you, trying to prevent her best friend being part of her party for no better reason than not really liking him and suspecting him of a crush is just not good enough. The people present is (in my mind at least) one of the most important parts of a wedding. I had several little hiccups at my wedding, but there’s nothing I regret more than my wedding party: those that should have been there but weren’t, and my MOH who I only later realised wasn’t much of a friend to me at all (barely there when I needed her, only around if she needed something from me. I didn’t even rate an invite to her wedding despite her position in mine.). You think wouldn’t hurt their friendship him not being there, but it would, and what’s worse is it would hurt *her*.
I might also mention that I too had a close male friend I’ve known forever, who I did in fact have romantic feelings for, for the longest time, and my husband knew that full well, but still didn’t hesitate at all in inviting him to our wedding. That’s what a secure relationship looks like.
I read your update and I get it, you have given in a lot. I still think vetoing the MOH is a bad move.
Based on the fact that she wants you to suffer through allergies at your wedding and vetoed all your personal cultural stuff changes my initial vote of y t a to ESH
I get that you want to take a stand, but the MOH is not it. The hill to die on is either the knot thing or not being in the field.
I went to a wedding that was two full complete ceremonies for two different religions. I liked it. It showed the respect the two people had for each other.
Your update makes you more sympathetic, but I still don't think this marriage has a chance.
YTA. You think it would be better she only chose girls? Good grief. That shows how insecure and controlling you are. You are also a hypocrite for wanting a female on your side of the wedding. You are so beyond being just an AH. You are a great example of someone who doesn't deserve to be married as you seem to think you can just dictate everything because...
YTA You get a woman on your side, she gets a guy on her side. He's her best friend. How about not getting married at all, then you never have to deal with him. Don't be a jerk or she'll maybe decide to leave you. Do better dude, use that brain in your head (it is in there yes?).
YTA. How could you not be?
Why the hell would you get to have any say in who her bridal party is? She's been friends with him far longer than she's known you. I promise you they've been through hard times together. Of course she wants him with her on what's supposed to be one of the biggest days of her life.
If you're not homophobic and you're not threatened by him, what's the big deal?
Someone on Facebook summed it up pretty well in a conversation with her best friend's new boyfriend. She said "I can't guarantee that you'll be at her wedding, but I guarantee you I will be".
Don't be surprised if she leaves you because of this. I certainly would.
"... and that I wouldn’t *allow* her best friend to be her man of honor."
Seriously? It's not your place to "allow" her anything. She isn't a child, but an adult and if she wants her best friend to be her man of Honor, it's **her fucking choice**.
YTA, obv.
YTA obviously. The easy solution is to have your sister be a bridesmaid and her friend be a groomsman, if you care so deeply about tradition. I hope she breaks it off though, you sound like a child.
Telling your future spouse what you will and will not allow is a terrible way to start a marriage. Luckily she hasn't married you yet and hopefully she won't. YTA
YTA
It's telling that for a ceremony that's meant to symbolise the love you have for each other and the start of your married life, you would attempt to deprive her of the support and important bonds she has.
Ask yourself why you're simply not liking her friend for shallow reasons trumps her wanting to share this moment with one of her oldest most present friends?
Do you find it appropriate that your minor gain trumps her more major loss?
Is that the kind of husband you intend to be moving forward?
You shouldn’t be in a relationship let alone thinking of getting married if you think you allow your partner to do things? Who do you think you are her dad? She makes her own decisions marriage isn’t ownership or control and with that attitude you won’t be married for long.
If you can’t trust your partner why are you with them? Let’s say your right and the guy did have feelings for your partner you have to trust she loves and respects your relationship enough to not cheat. Either work on that or call of the wedding because you clearly not ready for marriage.
Not only are YTA, but reading through comments and your responses you’re doubling down and trying to be an even bigger asshole.
I’m pretty sure of one thing…whether this story is made up or true, I’m 100% certain there’s not gonna be any wedding.
YTA--plain and simple. You do not get to dictate who she has in her wedding party or who she picks as her person of honor. Not to mention that your reasons are ridiculous.
YTA. The bride and groom get to choose the people in their wedding party. In modern times it’s meant to be people who you are closest to, to have their support on your wedding day and visibly show that your community and chosen and blood family support your new marriage. Why wouldn’t you want your fiancée to have this support? It sounds like you are uncomfortable standing near her best friend (maybe you’re jealous that he’s handsome?) but not having him there won’t change how she feels about him or his role in her life.
YTA - I’m still unclear why she can’t have her friend stand up for her in her part of the wedding party. They are good friends, he’s never done anything to you, they’ve never had a romantic relationship. So what’s the issue?
YTA
>it’s just that I think it would be better if her side of t party was all girls
Why? Give me *ONE* GOOD reason that isn't "because tradition".
>saying that if I could have a girl in my side of the party (the girl being my older sister who practically raised me), she could have a guy. I said that it was a different circumstance
It isn't. You're close to your sister because xyz, she's close to her best friend because xyz. It's only "different" because you want it to be... but it really isn't.
>and that I wouldn’t allow her best friend to be her man of honor
AND the final straw, making you the biggest AH. You won't *ALLOW* it? Excuse tf out of you? You don't own her, she isn't yours to control, and it's her day too.
You need to take several steps back and sit down. You fucked up bad with that sentence. No lie, if I were with someone and they told me they won't ALLOW me to do something at MY wedding, the wedding wouldn't be happening and I'd go find someone who deserves me Aka sees me as an EQUAL.
YTA. He’s one of her best friends!!! If my fiancé told me I couldn’t have my bridesman in my bridal party there wouldn’t be a wedding. I hope there’s no wedding in your future until you work out your issues
Lmao YTA - get over yourself and behave.
He is HER friend and not yours and it is her main of honour so it is HER choice and not yours.
If he was a girl would you expect him to be hanging out with you? Of course not! You two don’t have to like eachother or be man buds because he is HER friend.
Hell, even girls do the whole “dont break her heart” chat because their friends mean a lot to them. And tbh it sounds like you do actually need someone to have words with you because of the way you are behaving.
You are going to hurt her by telling her she can’t have someone important to her as her maid of honour.
Stop being controlling, stop being insecure and get over yourself. You focus on your own choices as groomsmen and she can focus on hers.
Also she’s right if you can have a female on your side then she can have a male. Doesn’t matter how you justify it.
If this is real, I seriously hope your fiancée sees how much your feelings, behavior and reaction to everyone here make YTA. Not only are you absolutely splitting hairs (“but my sis is actual family, boooo hoooo and her bff is only her chosen family which obviously isn’t reeeeeal” *pout, cry, stomp your foot*) but you’re such a controlling, manipulative, hypocritical jerk that I hope it becomes obvious to her. The fact of the matter is that it. Is. Not. YOUR. choice. To. Make!
Let me say this again. The people on her side of the aisle, are there for her. Not you. So no matter what, you do not get to decide who any of them are.
It sounds like her best friend was right to actually be wary of YOU, and give you that shovel talk. If my best friend from childhood was marrying an asshole like you, and then doubling down on their double standard, I’d be warning HER to run away and not look back.
I think you need to learn, before you get married, that you don't need to "allow" a grown woman to do anything. It's not your place, you don't own her, and you're not being a good person. You get to have your sister in the wedding party. Why shouldn't she have a guy she's grown up with and obviously cares for? Unless you still have some weird feelings about it, why don't you want her wedding to be a happy occasion? It's not different to her, and you *do not* want to begin your married life with resentment on anyone's part. It *will* build. It *will* get brought up again.
YTA. Grow up.
YTA. if it’s really about having the same genders then put your sister on the brides side and the friend on yours. But it’s not about that at all. It’s about you wanting to separate her from her friend.
YTA. Your insecurities are huge red flags.
My son’s best friend got married last year, he was a bride’s man. He loves her as a sister and is very protective of her. I know in the past he has give past boyfriends “the talk”, if you hurt her,…. She also made it clear to her now husband that my son will always be a part of her family.
If the groom had had a problem with that, he was not the man for her.
My son attended all the bridal events and stood in the bridal party. He will be an honorary uncle to the child she is carrying.
The bride’s family, mother, father, sister and very traditional middle eastern grandmother all accept him in their family.
OP this is a hill for your relationship to die on, if you do not embrace the fact that her best friend is just that, regardless of gender or sexuality.
YTA this is her wedding to and she has the right to have her best friend or anyone else she wants as her wedding party. Plenty of people have guys as their Man of honour and girls as the best woman. Whether it be you want one of your siblings of opposite sex who you’ve seen as your best friend or it’s just a guy is her best friend. It means nothing untoward and it wrongs no one by them being friends. He has never treated you badly and it does seem like your whole post showed you never liked him solely as he was a guy around your girl. If you have that little trust of her then you shouldn’t be marrying anyway. You need to accept that once you’re married you still will not be able to make ultimatums and try to cut him out of her life.
A large chunk of my friends are guys and I’d say my best friend is a guy. On top of that when I meet my husband and for a number of years after marriage I worked in a male dominated profession. I was the only female on my course in uni and then the only female in my work for a very long time. A slightly older neighbour once asked my husband wasn’t he worried. My husband asked him why would he be when he trusts and loves me and when he knows id never cheat on anyone. That if we didn’t truly love and trust each other we wouldn’t be married. The guy seemed surprised and amazed and in the end after a few minutes of silence mumbled it must be nice to have such a strong relationship. My husband had many faults but he never once judged me or my friends, he always encouraged me to go out and still have fun with my friends whenever I wanted, he never once doubted me. I used to always have other guys coming onto me (not any of my friends) yet he knew I could handle myself and that he didn’t need to worry as it wasn’t who I am and that I loved him fully.
You need to pull your head in and get your own insecurities and issues sorted. Especially when your letting them affect her and your relationship as that’s on you.
YTA - I have 2 best friends. 1 male, 1 female. Both were in my wedding party because I wasn’t getting married if 2 of the most important people in my life weren’t standing by my side.
I would have had my male BFF on my side, but he was casual friends with my husband and hubby knew I considered him to be as close as a brother so he added him to his side.
" so it’s not like I don’t want him in the wedding because of that, it’s just that I think it would be better if her side of t party was all girls" : could you explain why ? First you said you suspected him of liking your girl, then fout out he's gay, and concluded "I still don't want him at our wedding".
"She and him already did everything together, not including him in our wedding wouldn’t hurt their friendship." How do you know that ? I'd say that especially BECAUSE they do everything together, not being invited would hurt their friendship.
I think YTA.
YTA.
And more importantly, when we are looking for a lifepartner (a spouse), we are looking for someone who appreciates the way we live and the people in our lives. This is not only about you being against your fiance’s best friend being her man of honour, this is about you being against her having him as her friend. That might be a deal breaker. She might love you more and she definately loves only you romantically, but your behavior likely made her realise that you don’t appreaciate the other relationships she has in her life. And that could extend to other people too. She might ve reconsidering if she wants you in her life.
YTA It's a special day for her and you. If she wants him there be the man she's chosen and let him come. Being jealous or weird about it is a real bad look.
YTA and I had to reread the beginning to check your age. Honestly you sound like an adolescent and a petulant one. Your sister is in your wedding party on your side so even though you think it's different, it isn't. At 26 it doesn't sound like you're mature enough to get married.
YTA wow, you won’t ALLOW it? Look at you. Whoo-boy do you have some growing up to do. You knew he was part of her life from day one, either get over it or get out. Talk about ALLOWING something…
YTA. A melodramatic one.
You have your sister on your groom party let her have her best friend, who seems to be like her brother, on her party. What's the issue? You don't like him? I bet your friends aren't all honey and peaches dude, grow up.
YTA. Cmon man. He’s absolutely no threat to you. The dude is gay. I hate it when someone says ‘I’m not homophobic but…’ then does something homophobic.
And It’s her wedding too. She gets to choose her wedding party. You don’t make the rules in who she wants to be in it. Otherwise, there won’t be a wedding.
YTA. You're not being logical, and possibly creeping towards, "I'm not bigoted bhuuut....". The way you justified it - well they see each other all the time what's the big deal over one little wedding - shows you haven't thought this through, or this is yr control freakery leaking out before the wedding - first seperate her from her best friend, then her family, then her friends, then you'll have her All to yourself eventually.
YTA. Hopefully, you already know you are, and the opinions of Internet strangers manage to change your mind because if I were your fiance, I'd be rethinking if I'd even want to marry you.
If you want her side all women, then your side should be all men, and yes, they are the same. The only thing different is you're jealous of her friend.
YTA. I hope you know how insecure and pathetic you sound. I hope she leaves you and when she does get married to a man who embraces her best friend she’ll have him standing right by her. 😙
Yta
1.) Not wanting her best friend to be a part of the wedding is really cruel and I would imagine has her thinking you're not the guy she thought you were.
2.) Granted, he didnt raise her, but he is probably someone she regards more like a family member because she's known him for so long and theres clearly no sexual or romantic interest between them. So like, not wanting him to be a part of her wedding is similar to her asking you to cut out a sibling. And its ridiculous and hypocritical to expect her to keep someone she regards like a brother out of her side of the wedding when you get to keep your sister in yours.
3.) The way you talk about him is so disrespectful and feels homophobic. Like, you just talk about this man, who is a super close friend of your fiances and has been a part of her life since they were kids, like he is some insignificant worm. You're an asshole for that alone. And like why are you so hung up on how close he is to her and how easy you presume it is to take him in a fight? He is not checking for her at all? You're insecure over emotions that don't exist.
4.) It's her wedding too! She gets to chose her own Maid of Honor, her own bachelorette party, and be a part of mutual decisions for this wedding! How do you plan on being a stable reliable life long partner if you can't even handle her having as much agency as you over your wedding? It's meant to be a shared event and you expect her to be the only one compromising.
5.) This man has probably been so tolerent with you over the time you've been with his best friend. He has had to deal with your weird misguided jealousy, and based on how you talk about him a little bit of homophobia. And yet he has never had an outs with you, and even you admit y'all get along fine. If you're not the one putting the work in for that, who do you think is?
Also biology does not dictate family, full stop. If it did, your sister would not be like a parent to you. Familial roles are things we chose, and family is a community we make mutually. You and your fiance wouldn't be family until you have a kid by your own logic.
Lot of words to just say your insecure and jealous. Looking at your comments, you have no rhyme or reason for anything. You don’t have a fiancé anymore.
YTA
YTA I would reflect on why him being a part of her wedding party is such a point if contention for you. It sounds like he thinks of her as a sister, which would make sense since they grew up together. This is a day most women dream of sharing with their best friends and it absolutely could strain their friendship if he's not allowed to be a part of it.
And that's just the beginning. She can clearly see where this is heading to : future demands to cut him off. For no valid reason
It s so sad to be so close to getting married in order to see your SO 's true colors
YTA
You are definitely the AH. No doubt about it. Your jealousy seems to be getting the best of you here, and you need to address it before you marry. You took such pride in bragging how you weren’t threatened by her smaller, gay friend. Such pride, in fact, that I don’t believe you. That you could actually SAY that leaving her best friend out of the most important day of her life wouldn’t hurt their friendship- just astounds me. Life really does seem to be all about you. It also makes me wonder what your plans are for her best friend AFTER the wedding. I’m sure you already have something rattling around in your brain, and I’m also sure it is nothing positive. Who will be the next to go after the best friend? Her siblings, or just her other friends? Are you saving her parents for last? I suspect you will not be capable of sharing her with anyone, on any level. Your fiancé needs to give some serious thought to her future, because it seems that you intend to be completely in charge of it. Let me repeat: you ARE the AH! Your fiancé should run screaming in the other direction, you do not have her best interests at heart.
OP, you have explained yourself multiple times in this thread. You have made your best case
Show the thread to your gf and get back to with an update.
Curious minds want to know.
YTA you sound a bit sexist and insecure. And the phrase, “I wouldn’t ALLOW…” is always a huge red flag. Who are you to “allow” or not allow her to do anything?! so far the only reason you don’t like this guy is because he’s a guy and you’re not friends. If he was a woman and you werent friends you wouldn’t have the issue. This is her best friend. From childhood. he’s not going anywhere. You, on the other hand, are about to lose your fiancé if you can’t respect her friendship. My bff is a guy and if my fiancé reacted this way, he’d be the one who was gone...
YTA. 1) You won't ALLOW him to be her man of honor? Who do you think you are? She can do whatever she wants. You are her fiancé not her boss. 2) Just because he's small and gay doesn't mean he can't kick your ass. It isn't about size, strength or who he loves. It's about technique, ability and experience. One of the toughest guys I ever saw was a cop so small he couldn't be seen from behind in the patrol car. But the dude was an absolute bulldog and wasn't afraid of anything. You're just ignorant in general.
Wtf you are absolutely the AH! You’re more worried about optics than making sure your future wife is supported by the people she loves (and love her) on one of the biggest days of her life? You don’t deserve her.
YTA. Why are you arguing with people's judgement so much? Did you expect this sub to be 100% with you on this one? You sound like one of those delicate dudes who wants a submissive, trad wife who isn't allowed any of her own thoughts or opinions. For her sake, I hope she sees through your thinly veiled bullshit and realises that this isn't about your idea of "family", it's about you being in control.
I read the whole thing hoping there was at least one reason you gave that wasn't sexist or controlling. I honestly can't believe she wants to marry you with your shitty personality. YTA.
You can actually write, " I just don't want her best friend to be part of our day" and then still have to ask if you're an asshole?? You should know. Definitely YTA.
I am a cis female who married a cis male. My best person was a male, who had at that point had been my best friend for 25 years. It never even occurred to me to have anyone else stand up for me, and if my fiance had objected we probably would not have had a wedding. Trying to drive a wedge between someone you claim to love and her closest friends, no matter who they are, is not a loving thing to do. Bringing up aspects of the person's identity such as that this guy is gay and then insisting that it doesn't affect your thinking is bullshit - if it didn't affect your thinking, you wouldn't have mentioned it. Your behavior smacks of unpleasant, judgmental, and controlling, the kind of energy that you don't want to be offering your spouse to be. You need to make a hard correction or you're going to lose your relationship. (Which might be best for both of you, you started young and at least one of you obviously still has quite a bit of growing up to do.)
YTA. I had my male best friend as my man of honor at my wedding because the position is meant to be the bride’s closest friend, mine just happens to not have boobs. And you’re even more TA because you already have your sister as a groomswoman/best woman, so your “they should all be ~~girls~~ *women*” argument holds less water than a sieve. Grow up and get over yourself, before your fiancée gets over **you**.
YTA, you didn't present one legitimate reason to not have him in the wedding. "I don't want him" is not a legitimate reason. It really just comes off that you're jealous that she has a close relationship with another man. Even though you know it's platonic.
You're a hypocrite, controlling AH.
>and that I wouldn’t allow her best friend to be her man of honor.
Who do you think you are. Just because you put a ring on her finger, you think you have the right to dictate what she does.
She has every right to have the people closest to her standing beside her for her wedding day, one of them happens to be a man, just like you have for yourself. To you (hopefully ex) fiancé, her best friend is family. You have no valid reason to exclude him. You're absurd insecurities about him are your problem to sort, not your fiancee's
Keep this up and you won't be getting married at all.
YTA
OP for the last hour you’ve been arguing against everyone without really saying anything.
I want to ask you what your intentions are with posting here. Usually people want to find out if their actions are wrong or right and when this community gives them an answer they act accordingly. You have your answer. Overwhelmingly people think you are wrong and they’ve asked you to articulate what makes you uncomfortable.
Honestly for the sake of your relationship, stop arguing against everyone, accept that you made a bad move and engage with people here to come up with a solution. People have offered options and you argue. Listen and think about what you want to get out of this. Stop playing tit for tat regarding your wedding decisions and look at things objectively not from the perspective of wanting to be right
YTA: just go back and re-read what you said. You are hugely jealous of her gay best friend and as soon as someone says I am not homophobic you know 100% they are.
Also you don't get to ALLOW her anything, she is not your toddler child needing care she is a grown ass adult woman who can decide who she wants with her at her wedding.
But, i would guess the next text you get will be her telling you the wedding is not happening.
YTA
It is her best friend.
He was in her life before you and if you act like this, he will be there after you.
He is basically her brother.
"it’s just that I think it would be better if her side of t party was all girls" wtf?
WHY?
Because you are threatened by a guy she will never have romantic feelings for.
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Westermarck\_effect](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Westermarck_effect)
Damn you're an ass. You are homophobic and controlling. You are threatened by her having a male friend. The best thing for her is to go NC with you. YTA.
YTA, and you're either a jealous asshole who doesn't trust the woman he claims to love, or you're an homophobic asshole who doesn't trust the woman he claims to love. Either way, you're an asshole who doesn't trust the woman he loves and doesn't want that woman to have a say in her own wedding party. You should probably unpack your issues with your fiance's best friend before trying to make another argument against letting the woman you supposedly love pick her own wedding party.
YTA
It doesn't really matter who she gets as maid/man of honor. Trying to control that really only shows her what her future will be like. Which is you judging and trying to tell her with who she can be friends or not.
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YTA. It’s obvious that you have a huge chip on your shoulder about your fiancé’s best friend just because he’s a guy, so now you’re using this “girls only” thing to get him out of the way. Also, “girls?” You’re not in high school going to prom. You’re getting married. They’re women. You’re sexist and jealous and seem way too immature to be getting married. I hope she sees you for what you are and gets away from you.
I really hope this is a rage bait post. To not be able to see the hypocrisy in having his sister (whom he’s known his whole life) on his side, but DEMAND that she not have her male best friend of decades on hers is absolutely insane. If I were the fiancé, I’d call the whole thing off because OP’s empathetic skills are clearly nonexistent.
FYI, if your wife can’t pick her own maid of honor/best man/person, she should prob just leave you now, it’s a sign of over controlling to come. Short of the person being a pedophile or something like that, zero reason for you to exert any control or say here. YTA.
YTA. He's been a part of her life for forever, they're essentially family. You are enforcing a double-standard here. This part: >I told her that and she got defensive, saying that if I could have a girl in my side of the party (the girl being my older sister who practically raised me), she could have a guy. I said that it was a different circumstance, and that I wouldn’t allow her best friend to be her man of honor. She's 100% right. This weird desire to uphold traditional gender roles when you aren't even being held to that standard is insane to me. He's her best friend. They grew up together. Family isn't just blood relation, you know. Even if it's not some weird pent-up jealousy, simply saying no because you don't like someone is childish. She's 100% in the right when she says "It's my wedding, too." That's far from the only childish thing in this post, too. The part where you comment on how small that guy is... that's absurdly childish. Nobody cares that you can beat up the small gay guy who cares about his friend. Why even include that detail? It's not going to endear you to people, it's just embarrassing.
Also, the part about it not ruining the friendship. If my best friend didn't let me into his wedding, it would 100% ruin the relationship. That is a very big part of anyone's life and to not include someone you are very close to is a huge insult
Yeah this is a pure dick move. If he's this controlling over her friends before the wedding I don't imagine this just goes away after they get married.
It's such a weird thing for him to draw the line at. Like based on his edit, I would say ESH because it seems like his fiancee has refused to compromise on anything. But he should have put his foot down on not having the wedding when his allergies will be acting up, or including some aspects from his culture, but *her* wedding party is one thing she shouldn't have to compromise on. I genuinely just don't think these two people should be getting married.
>I really love her, and I don’t want to loose her. I just dont want her best friend to be a part of our day. You only get to say that if her best friend as done something bad, like stole money from you, or took a shit in the middle of the floor at the engagement party. You are being unreasonable. You're only reason for not wanting him there is that's he's a guy and you are jealous. That's not a good enough reason, especially when you are having a woman in your wedding party. You are going to lose her, because you want her to be unhappy and have someone she loves excluded from her wedding, for selfish reasons. YTA
YTA. I can't wait to see the comments on this. >I just dont want her best friend to be a part of our day. Let that sink in, then imagine that she said the same to you.
Yes YTA. Your reasoning makes no sense. If she should only have girls on her side, then your sister should not be on your side, Not including him WILL hurt their relationship. You sound jealous. For the record - you saying that you won’t allow him to be in the bridal party is controlling AF.
Guys, how am I going to break it to my best friend that the facts that we hang out together and I told her now fiancé he better not hurt her has meant I have secretly wanted to date her all this time....
YTA, you are showing your fiance that your masculinity is fragile and her relationship with her lifelong best friend threatens it on some level. Personally, I would break off the engagement if I were her because you are going to AH about her having a male best friend who is gay even more so after the wedding.
Yta. And if this is real (doubtful since you called women girls. sorry but weddings off she dumped you. She's not returning calls or texts. Thank God you showed your true colors before the wedding and she found out about them. She now knows you're a hypocrite (you're allowed to have your sister stand next to you but she's not allowed to have her male bsf) and controlling.
YTA your jealousy of him isn’t pretty. It was an AH move to try and dictate *her* wedding party.
I wanted to give the benefit of the doubt, but the more I read the more confident I became of my opinion. YTA. No matter how I read this, you come off as someone threatened by the fact that your fiance has a close, life long friendship with a man who has never had romantic feelings for her, gay or not. Who, by your own admission, you don't even find physically threatening. So what is there to be threatened by?
He gets worse with every response. Asshole
You won’t allow her best friend to be in the wedding? You’re not even married and you’re already acting like your opinion matters more than hers. You’re jealous of her gay best friend? You need to get a grip and grow up or you’re gonna lose your fiancée. YTA
“They thought I was being an asshole because I never liked her friend and am threatened by him.” Bingo. YTA
YTA - That's a lot of words to just say you're ragingly jealous of the relationship and don't like him. And of course trying to bar a best friend was always going to be a bad move
YTA. She can't have a man in her party, because well, he's a man. But you can have a woman in your party because she's your sister, and "I said so!" Grow up.
YTA. This guy is her best friend, you know they’re not secretly in love. If you love your girl, it shouldn’t matter to you. “I wouldn’t allow her”? She probably just realized you’re a controlling AH. ETA: Don’t worry: she can’t make him be in your wedding—if SHE decides not to be in your wedding…
I saw that just the other day ' moh told me YOU might not be in her wedding, BUT I always will be.'
YTA and seem incredibly insecure. This is her best friend who she is very close too. They have no past history of being involved and he’s not into her, and he is gay. I am failing to understand why he can’t be on her own wedding court. Cause where does it end? First you say he can’t be in the wedding on her side. Do you tell her next she can’t be friends with him? Cause it’s not too far fetched.
YTA. So insecure so fragile
YTA. And I think she is now your EX-fiancée, thank goodness!!! Dear heavens, work on yourself. Your a HUGE AH. And I don't see you getting married anytime soon. Glad she saw you for who you really are before she said, "I do".
YTA. You are even having a woman on your side, come on.
YTA. One of my best friends is a gay man and he was in our wedding, on my side, in a suit that matched the color of the bridesmaid dresses. In the program and on our website, he was called “Bridesman”. I wouldn’t have had it any other way because he is just as instrumental in my life as any of the girlfriends who stood up there with me. Your response comes across as both homophobic and incredibly insecure. Rather than put the burden of your issues on your fiancé, perhaps you should speak to a counselor about why your fiancé having a gay best friend makes you so uncomfortable. ETA: When you hear people use the phrase “fragile masculinity”, this is what they mean. Your fiancé and her best friend are not the problem. This is 100% a you problem.
I'm sad I can only upvote this once. 100% op needs to do some self reflection on why this is such a big deal for him.
So - it’s not because of tradition- because if tradition dictates you would not have your sister by your side. You can keep saying it’s traditional and all that - but as long as you break tradition (biological family or not) that’s a bunch of BS. So either 1). You just hate the guy; 2) you’re jealous of him or 3) you’re a homophobe. YTA. Personally I’m assuming number 3 because anyone who goes so far out of their way to be like “I’m not homophobic” is protesting too much. Good luck with your next relationship. I hope you grow.
Was waiting for the reason to not invite him to come up... and there's nothing even close to one here. YTA.
Maybe you're not homophobic, but you are sexist. She wants her best friend to have a major role in her wedding (it's as much your wedding as it is hers!), you're just looking for a problem to have with him. Do you feel insecure bc you're not the only important man in her life that she's not related to? And if I'm reading too much into it, as long as she's not recruiting someone who'd hurt you into her wedding party it's entirely up to her who she gets, gender irrelevant. YTA
“Wouldn’t allow” 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Yup, YTA You really love but don’t want her **best friend** to part of your wedding. You are delusional and will be lucky if she doesn’t cancel you.
Yep, YTA buddy. Good of you to wave the red flags before you get married. Hopefully, she heeds the warning and doesn't marry you.
"I wouldn't allow her..." YTA and a controlling, jealous one at that.
YTA. You don't have any legitimate reasons to not be comfortable with her having him in her bridal party. You're insecure about her having a male friend clearly, and are demanding she make herself unhappy to protect your very fragile sense of masculinity. He is family to her, and you're being a hypocrite. My bet is this boils down to some blend of protecting a sense of stupid male honor or ownership feelings toward her, as well as general disrespect toward her choices. She's not a toy you have to "share" with him, she's a full blown person who is rightfully rethinking the relationship. She should probably not marry you.
You need to change your attitude if you want a successful marriage. As soon as you start talking about \`\`letting'' your intended spouse do things on your wedding day (or ever, really), you're not treating your intended as an equal partner. So back off and rethink your attitude towards marriage in general. The wedding planning should be the two of you competing to make each other the most happy, not trying to control attendance (unless its a person who will wreck things for others, which doesn't seem to apply here.) You're going to have to negotiate with your spouse several times a day for the rest of your lives. Consider this practice on how to give a groveling apology when you are in the wrong.
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YTA - While having or not having any person in your wedding should be a joint decision between you two, I think that it really isn't your place to demand who she has as her MOH. That's not your place. Would you be accommodating to her is she wanted you to change your choice for best man? I don't think so. So suck it up. put your big boy pants on and stop objecting to such a ridiculous demand.
YTA. You each get to choose the important people in your life to stand up with you at your wedding. You make no sense. First you were afraid they had a hidden attraction for each other. When she told you he was gay you should have let go of that concern. So you're just jealous she has a relationship with anyone other than you?!? Grow up dude.
You are the asshole. Hopefully your fiancé will realize it before the wedding and bail.
YOU ARE 10000000000 PERCENT THE ASSHOLE. I’d dump you if I were her.
YTA. And all the more so foe refusing to accept the unanimous verdict that you are so very wrong
YTA it is her best friend of course she would want him at the wedding Just because you don't like him doesn't mean that you can decide to ban him from your future wife's important day. He was there for her since childhood, way before she met you, learn to deal with the fact he's a man.. Are you really that selfish, jealous, petty and controlling you wouldn't let your WIFE'S best friend in to your wedding? What an awful way to start a marriage
YTA. You are controlling. You have some sort of weird trust issue. You think that blood relation matters above all else. You’re arguing with everyone here claiming you’re right instead of listening. You’re mysoginistic. The list goes on and on. You have given no good reason for not wanting him next to her. “He’s not blood” is not a good excuse. At all. It’s this simple: if you don’t want to lose her, get your head out of your butt and apologize. Repeatedly.
100% grade A YTA and also given your sister is in your "wedding court" a total hypocrite as well. INFO: There is ONE way --- and only ONE WAY that you might not be the AH. Tell your sister that she's out of the wedding party because she's a different gender. TOTALLY OUT-- even if she cries and is super sad you boot her. If you aren't willing to do that then you are irredeemably the AH here and, seriously OPs finacee, on the off chance you come across this post RUN NOW.
If you "really love her and don't want to lose her" back off this position NOW. Call her up and apologize for being a gigantic controlling and selfish jerk, and that of course she can have her best friend in her wedding party with her. Tell her you don't know what got into you. You need to learn when you are up against someone core values. That you compared this to compromising on bowties shows you don't have a fucking clue. She is not going to compromise on this one. You will lose her if you don't back off of this. If you haven't already, that is. That is your only way out of this.
YTA. I hope your fiancée takes your revelation of what you are really like behind the mask to heart and proceeds accordingly. Sounds like she may have done so already.
YTA. Here's what's going to happen: Her oldest, most treasured friend in her life will back down, convince her to ask someone else to take his place. He'll still go to the wedding but it will be awkward. Everyone who knows what happened is going to feel awkward. There will be resentment. She might even resent your sister. Right now you're breaking her heart and your only defense is *"he's not family."* He's family TO HER.
YTA yikes yikes yikes. So you can have a woman in your grooms party but she can't have a man? Double standards. She's known her best friend her whole life and you've known your sister your whole life. Your sister was there for you through thick and thin, her best friend was there for her through thick and thin. It's really not that different. You have given zero reason for not liking him aside from the fact that your jealous how close they are, and even that's bs since it's very obviously a platonic relationship given his sexuality. You laughed at him trying to give the shovel talk but don't seem to appreciate that your fiancee has someone who cares so much for her and how it's good she has another person on her side. Sure maybe not having him in her bridal party might not hurt their friendship but it's damn well gonna hurt your marriage.
YTA. You don't get to "let" her do anything. She does not need your permission. She doesn't need to dump friends bc of your insecurity. Who do you think you are? Today it's her friend, what is it going to be tomorrow?
The longer the post, the more I know the OP is YTA
What the hell is your problem?? YTA
YTA please see a therapist for your insecurities & desire to control your fiancée. If you don’t make some attitude changes you risk losing her forever.
It makes no sense at all what you are writing. You hate him and you dont want him there. Why you hate him, we dont know. Instead you write some random BS that we are supposed to buy. The thing is this is your future wifes best friend. Of course it Will hurt their relationship if he is not invited. YTA and you should get over yourself.
YTA. You’re gonna find something to be mad at everytime something isn’t going your way. She probably talked about marriage and her future wedding when they were young. Next you’ll be mad when you two have a child that turns out to be a boy and likes mama more than dad. Lose the attitude, it’s not just your wedding day. It’s your marriage and lifetime spouse on the line.
YTA. I think if you put your foot down, your fiancé might reconsider the relationship.
YTA. This is insecurity on your part. Dude, she's right, it is her wedding too. Why can't she have people who are important to her in her wedding party? You imply you aren't threatened by him yet here you are acting threatened by him. From her perspective, this is a red flag. What are you worried about? Are you embarrassed about what your family might think? Do you think his presence will overshadow your wedding? What?
Yta, to have a female on your side and not allow her to have her gay non threatening best man friend in her party is astounding to me. He didn't do anything to you, you laughed off his one attempt at trying to be protective of someone whom loves her as family. You haven't provided any proof of why he should be her man of honor. So yes, you are the AH! Get over yourself Mr. Hypocrisy and change that attitude or you will find out that you won't have to worry about this because she most likely won't attend either. Hell, if she's smart she'll see the red flag and will ditch you.
Dude wake up! YTA
I read this, and I kept waiting for one single mention of a problem that would explain why you disliked the guy or would try to dictate who could participate to support your fiancée. Him being a guy is not a reason. Him being gay is not a reason. I think that the person who should not participate in this wedding might be you. YTA.
EX*fiancé because is over. Yta
YTA. I read this a few times and could not see any rational reason why you’d have a problem with this man except for unmitigated jealousy. He’s your fiancee’s best friend. He’s never done anything to you. Just leave it before she leaves you.
YTA with the way you are behaving she's not going to be your fiance for long. Hope she dumps you.
YTA, the entitlement of thinking you get to decide who she can have in her wedding party and exclude her best friend.
YTA There is nothing here that would even begin to suggest a reason why you would not be an AH here. None of your arguments in your post or reonses in the comments have begun to deter me from my whole hearted belief you are being a total AH here. You should really consider backtracking and issuing a heartfelt apology before she realizes the mistake she is making. If you are gonna start controlling her literally before the wedding, I can't imagine the kind of husband you'd be. What's the next thing you "won't allow". Hopefully she is already running for the hills.
YTA Your insecure, you try to control her. Her best friend can’t be a guy ? And even knowing he is gay, you don’t want him around ? He is a brother to her, he is protective, too protective for you. You feel insecure because you know that he will protect her from you, and that you’re intentions aren’t good. Proof ? You already want to control who is authorized to be her « Maid of honor », the person she trusts te most to witness her wedding. What’s next ? She won’t be allowed to work with male colleagues ?
YTA. Make sure you update us when you're asking r/AmItheEx.
My initial response was YTA Following your edit : You're both AH Having one rule for you, and another for her, ie. You having an opposite sex member in your squad and not allowing the same for her = AH Her forcing you to get married in a field during peak pollination knowing you suffer with allergies = AH **EDIT to add** She doesn't want to partake in your cultural wedding traditions because she wants it to be "traditional" in her sense of the word? = AH The whole situation sounds toxic tbh. I hope everything gets worked out by the wedding. Best wishes
Your edits only made it more crystal clear you to should not be getting married. Also your compromises did not include actual human beings.
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With your attitude if your fiancé comes to her senses she will become your ex-fiancé.
You are the a hole. It's her best friend, you cannot choose her best mate! That's controlling and she won't marry you if that the case.
YTA bro, be better and grow up
If you really love her you’ll be fine with whoever tf she picks for her maid/man of honor. Get over yourself.
Yup. YTA. You don't get to dictate who she has stand up for her or control who her friends are. No, the circumstances of you getting to have your sister in your wedding are not "different." You're being a giant hypocrite. Your being this hypocritical and controlling are gigantic red flags. You'd be lucky if there's a wedding at all at this point. If it were me, I'd kick your arrogant ass to the curb. Who do you think you are?
Yeah, YTA, and a hypocritical one too. You can have a woman on your side but she can'thave a man? Controlling much?
YTA. WHY do you think it’s important she should only have women in her bridal party? Hm? Why is being traditional important here? It doesn’t matter that your excuse for having a woman on your side is that she is bio family. A lot of people have women they love in their family! But that isn’t in an of itself is a reason to break traditions. You have a reason include your sister and that is because you love her and it is your honor to have her be in the wedding. Well the same can be said of your fiancée and her best friend. So you’re gonna need a damn good reason why he shouldn’t be included other than you just don’t think so/don’t want it. Explain yourself instead of just saying “I’m not threatened” or “well there should be time of compromise and forfeit”. You’re not communicating to her why this is important enough that she should forfeit. If you truly don’t have a deeper reason to deny her having her best friend as her man of honor, then you’re actually just being controlling. That’s it. This is an important subject to her, you don’t have an important reason to contradict her, but still you’re making demands as if you’re justified. And if you are just being controlling for controlling’s sake then it’s really much better that nobody marry you.
YTA. I clicked expecting a sordid tale of dreadful behaviour such as criminal activity, trying to steal your girl, or deliberately ruining the hen do. You don't like him, fine. You won't need to say a word to him at the wedding, he won't be standing on your side of the group photos, and there will be plenty of wedding pictures with just the two of you or in small groups of other people that you will be able to look at to relive memories if you want. The double standard of you having a woman in your party while trying to insist that your fiancee stick to one gender just seals it. This is weirdly controlling. What next, banning him from the house?
I hope your fiancée will run far away. You sound toxic as fuck. * Controlling : She can't choose someone important for her to be part of her wedding (yes it's also her wedding, not only your). * Diminishing : By jugding by the physique of somebody * Judgmental : Who are you to judge who is more important ? Family or friend ? Who are you to decide your feeling for you sister is far more important than her feeling for her friend ? Family is not only blood. And If you love your fiancée, you should be happy to know that her friend care for her and her well being. By warning you to don't break her heart. It's not a threat, it's mean he care and it's a good thing. If you really don't want to loose her, stop to think only about you. Stop to have the toxic moron attitude. If you don't see that, I hope she will choose what is best for her. Her friend. (YTA)
YTA. I would not marry you if you tried telling me who could be on my side of the bridal party. >I wouldn’t allow her best friend to be her man of honor. If my husband ever told me that he wouldn't allow me to do something, that would probably be the end of our relationship unless it was for my safety. You're just a controlling a hole. I hope she sees the red Flags you are flying.
Sorry but as the majority have said YTA, This guy is her best friend, and has been for a long time. That means he's her family. Sharing with blood with someone doesn't mean more, if anything those that chose to be in your life mean even more as these people pick you for you and not because they have to. If you continue to push this and force her to not have him in her wedding party you'll lose her. Even if she does marry you she'll always remember this and it'll come up in arguments etc and it'll be held over your relationship forever. I really feel for your fiancé, I hope she's doing ok.
YTA, there is no reason to repeat great answers, but dude You sound a "little" immature
Can’t wait to see this on r/amitheex YTA
YTA - “I’m not homophobic BUT” is the typical thing homophobic people say.
YTA majorly here. You are obviously threatened by him and for no reason especially considering he’s GAY. If you don’t think a guy should be standing on her side then a woman shouldn’t be standing on your side, family or not. You are controlling her choices. It also sounds like you don’t want him to attend the wedding at all which is definitely not cool. They have never given you a reason to believe there’s anything between them and it says as much since she wants him to be maid of honor. This is also her wedding day not just yours. Either compromise or let her invite who she wants. From the sounds of it, you’ll probably try to pull the husband card in the future to end the friendship anyway. If I was her Id run FAR AWAY.
NTA. Corny man threatening me when my partner walks away? Most people in here are blind to red flags. If someone who was friends with my fiance threaten me after my partner walks away and my partner wants to defend someone like that. Count that girl back on the streets.
After reading the edits you're still kinda TA but you guys really aren't compatible. You had no reason to demand her friend be left out, that's just you being insecure and controlling. But she is also being extremely unreasonable and kinda bigoted because she's unwilling to compromise on anything or even entertain the idea of participating in your culture. Honestly consider it a wash at this point. You've both seen each other for who you truly are here and neither one likes what they see. So walk away and find someone more compatible. 6 years isn't as big an investment as say 20 yrs with the wrong person. Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy. It's ok to walk away and start over, especially since you two are so young. If you want to give it a shot though, I'd suggest postponing any wedding planning until the two of you go to couples counseling and get things figured out. You're both ignoring things that are important to the other and you're both demanding it's your way. That's not how a healthy relationship works. I've been with my husband for about 20 years now and the biggest hurdle was getting over our own selfishness when we were young and learning to communicate and compromise with each other.
Was ready to say y t a, but after reading the edit it’s an ESH from me. Doesn’t sound to me like either of you are emotionally ready for marriage and the whole thing is doomed to fail. Marriage is about compromise. It’s about loving someone else enough for their happiness to be one of the most important factors in your decision making process. And I am not seeing that here at all. From your edits it’s clear how ready she is to steamroll your wishes. Colour schemes, suits, and music selection are relatively minor things, but completely blowing off all your cultural traditions, and not taking your allergies into consideration at all are just huge nopes. And as for you, trying to prevent her best friend being part of her party for no better reason than not really liking him and suspecting him of a crush is just not good enough. The people present is (in my mind at least) one of the most important parts of a wedding. I had several little hiccups at my wedding, but there’s nothing I regret more than my wedding party: those that should have been there but weren’t, and my MOH who I only later realised wasn’t much of a friend to me at all (barely there when I needed her, only around if she needed something from me. I didn’t even rate an invite to her wedding despite her position in mine.). You think wouldn’t hurt their friendship him not being there, but it would, and what’s worse is it would hurt *her*. I might also mention that I too had a close male friend I’ve known forever, who I did in fact have romantic feelings for, for the longest time, and my husband knew that full well, but still didn’t hesitate at all in inviting him to our wedding. That’s what a secure relationship looks like.
I read your update and I get it, you have given in a lot. I still think vetoing the MOH is a bad move. Based on the fact that she wants you to suffer through allergies at your wedding and vetoed all your personal cultural stuff changes my initial vote of y t a to ESH I get that you want to take a stand, but the MOH is not it. The hill to die on is either the knot thing or not being in the field. I went to a wedding that was two full complete ceremonies for two different religions. I liked it. It showed the respect the two people had for each other. Your update makes you more sympathetic, but I still don't think this marriage has a chance.
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YTA
YTA…Her side, her choice. Your side, your choice.
ASsHOLE!
YTA. You think it would be better she only chose girls? Good grief. That shows how insecure and controlling you are. You are also a hypocrite for wanting a female on your side of the wedding. You are so beyond being just an AH. You are a great example of someone who doesn't deserve to be married as you seem to think you can just dictate everything because...
YTA You get a woman on your side, she gets a guy on her side. He's her best friend. How about not getting married at all, then you never have to deal with him. Don't be a jerk or she'll maybe decide to leave you. Do better dude, use that brain in your head (it is in there yes?).
if I was her, I'd cancel the wedding for your lame attempt at manipulation. No way would I deal with this.
If I guy said this to me, oooooo you best believe. Huge red flag. Controlling. You just want your way like a child. YTA
you sound like a red flag. I’d run. YTA
I hope you do lose her. You don't deserve her. Grow TF up YTA
YTA- You are very insecure. And basically this bff is her brother and you should treat him like she treats your sister.
YTA - Huge AH. Grow up.
You are the red flag
YTA the biggest AH " I won't allow her"
YTA. How could you not be? Why the hell would you get to have any say in who her bridal party is? She's been friends with him far longer than she's known you. I promise you they've been through hard times together. Of course she wants him with her on what's supposed to be one of the biggest days of her life. If you're not homophobic and you're not threatened by him, what's the big deal? Someone on Facebook summed it up pretty well in a conversation with her best friend's new boyfriend. She said "I can't guarantee that you'll be at her wedding, but I guarantee you I will be". Don't be surprised if she leaves you because of this. I certainly would.
YTA You demand? What are you 10
"... and that I wouldn’t *allow* her best friend to be her man of honor." Seriously? It's not your place to "allow" her anything. She isn't a child, but an adult and if she wants her best friend to be her man of Honor, it's **her fucking choice**. YTA, obv.
YTA obviously. The easy solution is to have your sister be a bridesmaid and her friend be a groomsman, if you care so deeply about tradition. I hope she breaks it off though, you sound like a child.
Telling your future spouse what you will and will not allow is a terrible way to start a marriage. Luckily she hasn't married you yet and hopefully she won't. YTA
YTA It's telling that for a ceremony that's meant to symbolise the love you have for each other and the start of your married life, you would attempt to deprive her of the support and important bonds she has. Ask yourself why you're simply not liking her friend for shallow reasons trumps her wanting to share this moment with one of her oldest most present friends? Do you find it appropriate that your minor gain trumps her more major loss? Is that the kind of husband you intend to be moving forward?
YTA. "Rules are for other people and not me" is pissbaby behaviour
You shouldn’t be in a relationship let alone thinking of getting married if you think you allow your partner to do things? Who do you think you are her dad? She makes her own decisions marriage isn’t ownership or control and with that attitude you won’t be married for long. If you can’t trust your partner why are you with them? Let’s say your right and the guy did have feelings for your partner you have to trust she loves and respects your relationship enough to not cheat. Either work on that or call of the wedding because you clearly not ready for marriage.
For ALL the reasons already mentioned, yes, totally and completely, YTH!
You seem very insecure and therefore are trying to control her. YTA
Not only are YTA, but reading through comments and your responses you’re doubling down and trying to be an even bigger asshole. I’m pretty sure of one thing…whether this story is made up or true, I’m 100% certain there’s not gonna be any wedding.
YTA--plain and simple. You do not get to dictate who she has in her wedding party or who she picks as her person of honor. Not to mention that your reasons are ridiculous.
YTA. The bride and groom get to choose the people in their wedding party. In modern times it’s meant to be people who you are closest to, to have their support on your wedding day and visibly show that your community and chosen and blood family support your new marriage. Why wouldn’t you want your fiancée to have this support? It sounds like you are uncomfortable standing near her best friend (maybe you’re jealous that he’s handsome?) but not having him there won’t change how she feels about him or his role in her life.
YTA! MINGYA YTA
YTA - I’m still unclear why she can’t have her friend stand up for her in her part of the wedding party. They are good friends, he’s never done anything to you, they’ve never had a romantic relationship. So what’s the issue?
YTA. You’re also fragile and jealous. Do better.
YTA >it’s just that I think it would be better if her side of t party was all girls Why? Give me *ONE* GOOD reason that isn't "because tradition". >saying that if I could have a girl in my side of the party (the girl being my older sister who practically raised me), she could have a guy. I said that it was a different circumstance It isn't. You're close to your sister because xyz, she's close to her best friend because xyz. It's only "different" because you want it to be... but it really isn't. >and that I wouldn’t allow her best friend to be her man of honor AND the final straw, making you the biggest AH. You won't *ALLOW* it? Excuse tf out of you? You don't own her, she isn't yours to control, and it's her day too. You need to take several steps back and sit down. You fucked up bad with that sentence. No lie, if I were with someone and they told me they won't ALLOW me to do something at MY wedding, the wedding wouldn't be happening and I'd go find someone who deserves me Aka sees me as an EQUAL.
Lol bro.....congratulations, you aren't getting married anymore - you just don't know it yet. YTA
YTA. He’s one of her best friends!!! If my fiancé told me I couldn’t have my bridesman in my bridal party there wouldn’t be a wedding. I hope there’s no wedding in your future until you work out your issues
yta - you have someone important to you (sister) on your side, yet you want to deny her the same.
Lmao YTA - get over yourself and behave. He is HER friend and not yours and it is her main of honour so it is HER choice and not yours. If he was a girl would you expect him to be hanging out with you? Of course not! You two don’t have to like eachother or be man buds because he is HER friend. Hell, even girls do the whole “dont break her heart” chat because their friends mean a lot to them. And tbh it sounds like you do actually need someone to have words with you because of the way you are behaving. You are going to hurt her by telling her she can’t have someone important to her as her maid of honour. Stop being controlling, stop being insecure and get over yourself. You focus on your own choices as groomsmen and she can focus on hers. Also she’s right if you can have a female on your side then she can have a male. Doesn’t matter how you justify it.
If this is real, I seriously hope your fiancée sees how much your feelings, behavior and reaction to everyone here make YTA. Not only are you absolutely splitting hairs (“but my sis is actual family, boooo hoooo and her bff is only her chosen family which obviously isn’t reeeeeal” *pout, cry, stomp your foot*) but you’re such a controlling, manipulative, hypocritical jerk that I hope it becomes obvious to her. The fact of the matter is that it. Is. Not. YOUR. choice. To. Make! Let me say this again. The people on her side of the aisle, are there for her. Not you. So no matter what, you do not get to decide who any of them are. It sounds like her best friend was right to actually be wary of YOU, and give you that shovel talk. If my best friend from childhood was marrying an asshole like you, and then doubling down on their double standard, I’d be warning HER to run away and not look back.
YTA
YTA. She can have whoever she wants as MoH, bridesmaids, flower girl etc.
I think you need to learn, before you get married, that you don't need to "allow" a grown woman to do anything. It's not your place, you don't own her, and you're not being a good person. You get to have your sister in the wedding party. Why shouldn't she have a guy she's grown up with and obviously cares for? Unless you still have some weird feelings about it, why don't you want her wedding to be a happy occasion? It's not different to her, and you *do not* want to begin your married life with resentment on anyone's part. It *will* build. It *will* get brought up again. YTA. Grow up.
YTA. if it’s really about having the same genders then put your sister on the brides side and the friend on yours. But it’s not about that at all. It’s about you wanting to separate her from her friend.
YTA. >and that I wouldn’t allow her best friend to be her man of honor. Who the f*** do you think you are?
you typed a whole lot to just say ur an insecure asshole
YTA. Your insecurities are huge red flags. My son’s best friend got married last year, he was a bride’s man. He loves her as a sister and is very protective of her. I know in the past he has give past boyfriends “the talk”, if you hurt her,…. She also made it clear to her now husband that my son will always be a part of her family. If the groom had had a problem with that, he was not the man for her. My son attended all the bridal events and stood in the bridal party. He will be an honorary uncle to the child she is carrying. The bride’s family, mother, father, sister and very traditional middle eastern grandmother all accept him in their family. OP this is a hill for your relationship to die on, if you do not embrace the fact that her best friend is just that, regardless of gender or sexuality.
YTA. YTA. YTA.
YTA yuck. The misogyny
YTA this is her wedding to and she has the right to have her best friend or anyone else she wants as her wedding party. Plenty of people have guys as their Man of honour and girls as the best woman. Whether it be you want one of your siblings of opposite sex who you’ve seen as your best friend or it’s just a guy is her best friend. It means nothing untoward and it wrongs no one by them being friends. He has never treated you badly and it does seem like your whole post showed you never liked him solely as he was a guy around your girl. If you have that little trust of her then you shouldn’t be marrying anyway. You need to accept that once you’re married you still will not be able to make ultimatums and try to cut him out of her life. A large chunk of my friends are guys and I’d say my best friend is a guy. On top of that when I meet my husband and for a number of years after marriage I worked in a male dominated profession. I was the only female on my course in uni and then the only female in my work for a very long time. A slightly older neighbour once asked my husband wasn’t he worried. My husband asked him why would he be when he trusts and loves me and when he knows id never cheat on anyone. That if we didn’t truly love and trust each other we wouldn’t be married. The guy seemed surprised and amazed and in the end after a few minutes of silence mumbled it must be nice to have such a strong relationship. My husband had many faults but he never once judged me or my friends, he always encouraged me to go out and still have fun with my friends whenever I wanted, he never once doubted me. I used to always have other guys coming onto me (not any of my friends) yet he knew I could handle myself and that he didn’t need to worry as it wasn’t who I am and that I loved him fully. You need to pull your head in and get your own insecurities and issues sorted. Especially when your letting them affect her and your relationship as that’s on you.
YTA. You haven't given a solid reason as to why he shouldn't be included. All you have is that he might be a little corny which is not good enough.
YTA - I have 2 best friends. 1 male, 1 female. Both were in my wedding party because I wasn’t getting married if 2 of the most important people in my life weren’t standing by my side. I would have had my male BFF on my side, but he was casual friends with my husband and hubby knew I considered him to be as close as a brother so he added him to his side.
" so it’s not like I don’t want him in the wedding because of that, it’s just that I think it would be better if her side of t party was all girls" : could you explain why ? First you said you suspected him of liking your girl, then fout out he's gay, and concluded "I still don't want him at our wedding". "She and him already did everything together, not including him in our wedding wouldn’t hurt their friendship." How do you know that ? I'd say that especially BECAUSE they do everything together, not being invited would hurt their friendship. I think YTA.
YTA. And more importantly, when we are looking for a lifepartner (a spouse), we are looking for someone who appreciates the way we live and the people in our lives. This is not only about you being against your fiance’s best friend being her man of honour, this is about you being against her having him as her friend. That might be a deal breaker. She might love you more and she definately loves only you romantically, but your behavior likely made her realise that you don’t appreaciate the other relationships she has in her life. And that could extend to other people too. She might ve reconsidering if she wants you in her life.
YTA It's a special day for her and you. If she wants him there be the man she's chosen and let him come. Being jealous or weird about it is a real bad look.
YTA and I had to reread the beginning to check your age. Honestly you sound like an adolescent and a petulant one. Your sister is in your wedding party on your side so even though you think it's different, it isn't. At 26 it doesn't sound like you're mature enough to get married.
YTA YTA YTA you give no reason why you wouldn't want him to be in her wedding party that actually makes sense. not a one.
YTA wow, you won’t ALLOW it? Look at you. Whoo-boy do you have some growing up to do. You knew he was part of her life from day one, either get over it or get out. Talk about ALLOWING something…
YTA. A melodramatic one. You have your sister on your groom party let her have her best friend, who seems to be like her brother, on her party. What's the issue? You don't like him? I bet your friends aren't all honey and peaches dude, grow up.
YTA. Cmon man. He’s absolutely no threat to you. The dude is gay. I hate it when someone says ‘I’m not homophobic but…’ then does something homophobic. And It’s her wedding too. She gets to choose her wedding party. You don’t make the rules in who she wants to be in it. Otherwise, there won’t be a wedding.
YTA You're not going to "allow"? LOLOLOL start packing your bags dude.
YTA. Good luck on getting married. you keep this up, you won't be
YTA. You're not being logical, and possibly creeping towards, "I'm not bigoted bhuuut....". The way you justified it - well they see each other all the time what's the big deal over one little wedding - shows you haven't thought this through, or this is yr control freakery leaking out before the wedding - first seperate her from her best friend, then her family, then her friends, then you'll have her All to yourself eventually.
YTA. Hopefully, you already know you are, and the opinions of Internet strangers manage to change your mind because if I were your fiance, I'd be rethinking if I'd even want to marry you. If you want her side all women, then your side should be all men, and yes, they are the same. The only thing different is you're jealous of her friend.
YTA. I hope you know how insecure and pathetic you sound. I hope she leaves you and when she does get married to a man who embraces her best friend she’ll have him standing right by her. 😙
Yta 1.) Not wanting her best friend to be a part of the wedding is really cruel and I would imagine has her thinking you're not the guy she thought you were. 2.) Granted, he didnt raise her, but he is probably someone she regards more like a family member because she's known him for so long and theres clearly no sexual or romantic interest between them. So like, not wanting him to be a part of her wedding is similar to her asking you to cut out a sibling. And its ridiculous and hypocritical to expect her to keep someone she regards like a brother out of her side of the wedding when you get to keep your sister in yours. 3.) The way you talk about him is so disrespectful and feels homophobic. Like, you just talk about this man, who is a super close friend of your fiances and has been a part of her life since they were kids, like he is some insignificant worm. You're an asshole for that alone. And like why are you so hung up on how close he is to her and how easy you presume it is to take him in a fight? He is not checking for her at all? You're insecure over emotions that don't exist. 4.) It's her wedding too! She gets to chose her own Maid of Honor, her own bachelorette party, and be a part of mutual decisions for this wedding! How do you plan on being a stable reliable life long partner if you can't even handle her having as much agency as you over your wedding? It's meant to be a shared event and you expect her to be the only one compromising. 5.) This man has probably been so tolerent with you over the time you've been with his best friend. He has had to deal with your weird misguided jealousy, and based on how you talk about him a little bit of homophobia. And yet he has never had an outs with you, and even you admit y'all get along fine. If you're not the one putting the work in for that, who do you think is?
Also biology does not dictate family, full stop. If it did, your sister would not be like a parent to you. Familial roles are things we chose, and family is a community we make mutually. You and your fiance wouldn't be family until you have a kid by your own logic.
Happy cake day. YTA.
Lot of words to just say your insecure and jealous. Looking at your comments, you have no rhyme or reason for anything. You don’t have a fiancé anymore. YTA
YTA I would reflect on why him being a part of her wedding party is such a point if contention for you. It sounds like he thinks of her as a sister, which would make sense since they grew up together. This is a day most women dream of sharing with their best friends and it absolutely could strain their friendship if he's not allowed to be a part of it.
YTA. If you can have a girl on your side that's such a double standard. Grow up.
YTA. “Not going to allow” good luck with that. Pretty sure you aren’t going to be engaged much longer.
And that's just the beginning. She can clearly see where this is heading to : future demands to cut him off. For no valid reason It s so sad to be so close to getting married in order to see your SO 's true colors YTA
You are definitely the AH. No doubt about it. Your jealousy seems to be getting the best of you here, and you need to address it before you marry. You took such pride in bragging how you weren’t threatened by her smaller, gay friend. Such pride, in fact, that I don’t believe you. That you could actually SAY that leaving her best friend out of the most important day of her life wouldn’t hurt their friendship- just astounds me. Life really does seem to be all about you. It also makes me wonder what your plans are for her best friend AFTER the wedding. I’m sure you already have something rattling around in your brain, and I’m also sure it is nothing positive. Who will be the next to go after the best friend? Her siblings, or just her other friends? Are you saving her parents for last? I suspect you will not be capable of sharing her with anyone, on any level. Your fiancé needs to give some serious thought to her future, because it seems that you intend to be completely in charge of it. Let me repeat: you ARE the AH! Your fiancé should run screaming in the other direction, you do not have her best interests at heart.
OP, you have explained yourself multiple times in this thread. You have made your best case Show the thread to your gf and get back to with an update. Curious minds want to know.
YTA you sound a bit sexist and insecure. And the phrase, “I wouldn’t ALLOW…” is always a huge red flag. Who are you to “allow” or not allow her to do anything?! so far the only reason you don’t like this guy is because he’s a guy and you’re not friends. If he was a woman and you werent friends you wouldn’t have the issue. This is her best friend. From childhood. he’s not going anywhere. You, on the other hand, are about to lose your fiancé if you can’t respect her friendship. My bff is a guy and if my fiancé reacted this way, he’d be the one who was gone...
YTA. 1) You won't ALLOW him to be her man of honor? Who do you think you are? She can do whatever she wants. You are her fiancé not her boss. 2) Just because he's small and gay doesn't mean he can't kick your ass. It isn't about size, strength or who he loves. It's about technique, ability and experience. One of the toughest guys I ever saw was a cop so small he couldn't be seen from behind in the patrol car. But the dude was an absolute bulldog and wasn't afraid of anything. You're just ignorant in general.
Wtf you are absolutely the AH! You’re more worried about optics than making sure your future wife is supported by the people she loves (and love her) on one of the biggest days of her life? You don’t deserve her.
YTA. Why are you arguing with people's judgement so much? Did you expect this sub to be 100% with you on this one? You sound like one of those delicate dudes who wants a submissive, trad wife who isn't allowed any of her own thoughts or opinions. For her sake, I hope she sees through your thinly veiled bullshit and realises that this isn't about your idea of "family", it's about you being in control.
I read the whole thing hoping there was at least one reason you gave that wasn't sexist or controlling. I honestly can't believe she wants to marry you with your shitty personality. YTA.
YTA
YTA.
[удалено]
YTA, and you’re about to let your insecurities ruin your marriage before it even gets started.
You're just being rude and a jerk! YTA! Don't be surprised if the wedding is called off!
You can actually write, " I just don't want her best friend to be part of our day" and then still have to ask if you're an asshole?? You should know. Definitely YTA. I am a cis female who married a cis male. My best person was a male, who had at that point had been my best friend for 25 years. It never even occurred to me to have anyone else stand up for me, and if my fiance had objected we probably would not have had a wedding. Trying to drive a wedge between someone you claim to love and her closest friends, no matter who they are, is not a loving thing to do. Bringing up aspects of the person's identity such as that this guy is gay and then insisting that it doesn't affect your thinking is bullshit - if it didn't affect your thinking, you wouldn't have mentioned it. Your behavior smacks of unpleasant, judgmental, and controlling, the kind of energy that you don't want to be offering your spouse to be. You need to make a hard correction or you're going to lose your relationship. (Which might be best for both of you, you started young and at least one of you obviously still has quite a bit of growing up to do.)
YTA
YTA. I had my male best friend as my man of honor at my wedding because the position is meant to be the bride’s closest friend, mine just happens to not have boobs. And you’re even more TA because you already have your sister as a groomswoman/best woman, so your “they should all be ~~girls~~ *women*” argument holds less water than a sieve. Grow up and get over yourself, before your fiancée gets over **you**.
Yta "I think it's better if her side is all girls" is not a reason." I've read some of your comments and they're inadequate.
YTA obviously!
YTA, you didn't present one legitimate reason to not have him in the wedding. "I don't want him" is not a legitimate reason. It really just comes off that you're jealous that she has a close relationship with another man. Even though you know it's platonic.
You're a hypocrite, controlling AH. >and that I wouldn’t allow her best friend to be her man of honor. Who do you think you are. Just because you put a ring on her finger, you think you have the right to dictate what she does. She has every right to have the people closest to her standing beside her for her wedding day, one of them happens to be a man, just like you have for yourself. To you (hopefully ex) fiancé, her best friend is family. You have no valid reason to exclude him. You're absurd insecurities about him are your problem to sort, not your fiancee's Keep this up and you won't be getting married at all. YTA
OP for the last hour you’ve been arguing against everyone without really saying anything. I want to ask you what your intentions are with posting here. Usually people want to find out if their actions are wrong or right and when this community gives them an answer they act accordingly. You have your answer. Overwhelmingly people think you are wrong and they’ve asked you to articulate what makes you uncomfortable. Honestly for the sake of your relationship, stop arguing against everyone, accept that you made a bad move and engage with people here to come up with a solution. People have offered options and you argue. Listen and think about what you want to get out of this. Stop playing tit for tat regarding your wedding decisions and look at things objectively not from the perspective of wanting to be right
YTA: just go back and re-read what you said. You are hugely jealous of her gay best friend and as soon as someone says I am not homophobic you know 100% they are. Also you don't get to ALLOW her anything, she is not your toddler child needing care she is a grown ass adult woman who can decide who she wants with her at her wedding. But, i would guess the next text you get will be her telling you the wedding is not happening.
YTA It is her best friend. He was in her life before you and if you act like this, he will be there after you. He is basically her brother. "it’s just that I think it would be better if her side of t party was all girls" wtf? WHY? Because you are threatened by a guy she will never have romantic feelings for. [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Westermarck\_effect](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Westermarck_effect)
Damn you're an ass. You are homophobic and controlling. You are threatened by her having a male friend. The best thing for her is to go NC with you. YTA.
Good luck on your divorce if she is dumb enough to go through with this wedding.
YTA, and you're either a jealous asshole who doesn't trust the woman he claims to love, or you're an homophobic asshole who doesn't trust the woman he claims to love. Either way, you're an asshole who doesn't trust the woman he loves and doesn't want that woman to have a say in her own wedding party. You should probably unpack your issues with your fiance's best friend before trying to make another argument against letting the woman you supposedly love pick her own wedding party.
She's 24, got her whole life to live, and she's deciding now if that's with you or not. What you do next may decide that Yta
YTA It doesn't really matter who she gets as maid/man of honor. Trying to control that really only shows her what her future will be like. Which is you judging and trying to tell her with who she can be friends or not.
Dude grow up. YTA
YTA. You pick your side, and she picks hers. Do you really want to lose her over this?