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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I tried to take her mind off the bad stuff which meant stopping her talking about it when she tried to.
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YTA - Your job as a friend is to listen to what she wants, support her at this difficult time and she specifically said talking about it helped her. It's not up to you to decide what's best for her. You ignored all her request and came over looking like someone who wants to brag about what a wonderful time you've been having.
YTA. She needed you to LISTEN. You couldn't keep your mouth shut about your life. It feels like you were boasting about your "wonderful" life to a very sick person. You are shallow, entitled, and bratty. It seems you only care about yourself. Have some empathy. If you don't want to listen, then leave her alone.
YTA. Your friend told you what she needed to feel better and you decided that you didn't want to hear it again and that listening to your adventures would make her feel better. Seriously? Glad you're not my "friend".
You made it all about you and how privileged or fortunate you are. If you genuinely cared about her you would have let her do what she needed to do even if you find the subject not to your taste or already knew what she was sharing. Your bragging was unneeded and tacky. YTA
Yta.
Honestly assess your own motivations in this discussion. Did you really feel she shouldn't talk about how hard it's been, or did you just feel uncomfortable with that topic?
Conversation with a friend going through grief or illness can be really hard, I never kniw what to say. But if you want to be a supportive friend, and the person is clearly trying to bring the conversation topic back to the illness, then that's what they need to talk about. All you have to do is try to understand what that would feel like if it was you, and sometimes even just listening while they talk is enough, you don't need to "say the right things" or something.
YTA. And incredibly tone-deaf. You didn’t want her to talk about her struggles because YOU didn’t want to hear it. People with health issues sometimes just need someone to actually listen to them… not via text but with a real conversation. Stop being selfish. If I were her, we’d no longer be friends.
YTA. I know you meant well, but your friend is still processing some traumatic stuff and most people need to talk things over a few times in order to do that processing. As her friend, she was hoping you'd listen to her and agree it was awful and maybe even help reframe some of it with her. She wanted you to witness it with her and help her.
You have not yet learned how to feel uncomfortable alongside someone. To listen to their grief and pain without trying to distract them away from it with something more pleasant. But that's what she needs.
Be uncomfortable. Witness the discomfort. Tell her how glad you are that it's over now. Let her process her grief and pain with you. And do the same over when one of your friends loses their child, or their health, or otherwise experiences pain and grief. That's how you *be there* in this situation. There will be time to talk about the good things in your life.
OP is not a man.
I understand the need to jump in with "something positive". To somehow suggest that because there are nicer, more comfortable things to talk about that we don't have to talk about (or listen to) things that make us uncomfortable. To offer solutions so that we feel we were helpful. But that makes our friends feel even more isolated and alone.
I was a late learner that this isn't how we support those we care about, too. I always meant well, but I didn't know that it was okay to just listen and agree that it sucks. To agree that bodies can be difficult. To agree that sometimes hospital staff are mean. Or whatever it is my loved one needs to express and feel affirmed about. I'm still not perfect, but I don't have to be.
>I understand the need to jump in with "something positive".
>To offer solutions so that we feel we were helpful.
>To agree that bodies can be difficult. To agree that sometimes hospital staff are mean. Or whatever it is my loved one needs to express and feel affirmed about.
Ok but OP did literally none of that. There was no silver lining talks or trying to find positive spins on her friend's situation. It's was all about positive things happening in OP's life and no one else's. Not even small talk about other friends and what they're doing. It was nothing but OP and didn't want to talk about *unpleasant already discussed topics.*
YTA
Talking about yourself is not uplifting and positive. It’s selfish. She wanted to talk through her illness because she said it helps and you just make it more about you because you don’t want to hear it. You were not thinking about her no matter how much you tell yourself you were
OP, I feel like no-one's told you this, but you are not the Main Character of life.
When you visit a sick friend your job is to *listen* and to let your friend drive the conversation.
She did not want to sit and listen to you brag about your amazing vacation & your new house. She wanted the person she thought was her friend to be supportive.
YTA and a shitty friend.
YTA. Does it even need to be said. The fact that you even question if you were wrong is wild. But calling the fact that she mentioned her struggles at the door “inappropriate” is absolutely insane. What is wrong with you. Jesus lady you suck
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My (36F) friend (37F) has been very ill recently and has been updating us in our group on what’s been happening to her. I wasn’t able to visit her during this time due to my busy schedule but after some weeks I made some time and visited her this week.
When I got there I took her a little gift and was chatting to her about everything I’ve been up to with work and vacation trips, the beautiful locations and experiences and keeping the conversation positive and uplifting. After awhile in the middle of that she started talking about her illness, time in hospital and all the traumatic and difficult stuff that happened to her. I told her she doesn’t need to re-live all that by talking about it, and said it helps - but she’s already told us everything in messages and it was just going to get her down again so I changed the subject to house renovations as I’ve just bought a house and it’s a good easy subject for her to take her mind off things too.
She listened for awhile and then when there was a break in the conversation she tried to steer it back to talking about how difficult it’s been for her and more stuff about what happened in the hospital which she hadn’t told us before. It wasn’t very nice stuff so I listened for a bit quietly to her but didn’t encourage it and then changed the subject to one of the countries I’ve just been to and the stunning scenery and amazing food we had, trying to talk about something positive and inspiring. She seemed to listen half heartedly, responding a little here and there with barely there comments and then it was time for me to go and we said our goodbyes. Again at the door she tried to start talking about all the stuff she’s been through and it started to feel quite inappropriate so I tried to wrap things up and said I needed to go walking away.
Later in the evening I got a text from her saying she doesn’t understand why I visited her at all when all I did was come to boast about my holidays and amazing life updates and didn’t want to know about her illness. I’ve responded that I was just trying to take her mind of things and that she’d already told us about everything that happened in messages, there was no need for her to keep going over it in her head or to us and it felt like it was getting a bit wallow-ish?
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YTA. She told you about what happened, she im assuming just the medical information and that she was good physically, she this time she was telling you her feelings. It may of been hard to listen to but imagine how hard it was to feel it.
YTA.
No one cares about what country you visited or what decorations you put in that moment. It was not about you.
Learn what empathy is. Imagine being ill for a long period of time, and then your "friends" would come to tell you how amazing their lives were. If you actually cared you'd have listened to her and supported her, not boast in her face.
Not even sure you are evil or just completely oblivious, likely the former.
YTA. You were only talking abd boating about how good your life was. You lr job as her friend is to listen to what she wants and support her during a difficult time. Let her rant. She needed you to LISTEN. not to boast and brag about your “amazing” life and how good it is going for you. You made it all about yourself
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YTA. Some people need to go over things multiple times to process what's happening to them. She's sick and probably scared and you're not listening to what she needs because you think you know better
NTA. It's nice that you want to take her mind off of things, but she wants to talk about it. She wants you to commiserate with her, to shower her with sympathy as you talk about her non-stop. Next time you stop by get ready to talk about nothing but her difficulties, and agree with it all! Good luck
Your N T A vote suggests that the friend is the asshole, for saying what she finds helpful, and trying multiple times to get that help from someone she considers a friend.
That doesn't sound like assholey behaviour to me.
The asshole is probably the person who ignores their ill friend's request to talk about the illness, and instead talks about their wonderful experiences non stop.
Also, nowhere does it suggest that the friend wants *nonstop* talk about their illness. She just kept redirecting back because OP kept redirecting away. Maybe after feeling listened to, the friend might have been happy to hear more about OPs travels.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I tried to take her mind off the bad stuff which meant stopping her talking about it when she tried to. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA - Your job as a friend is to listen to what she wants, support her at this difficult time and she specifically said talking about it helped her. It's not up to you to decide what's best for her. You ignored all her request and came over looking like someone who wants to brag about what a wonderful time you've been having.
YTA. She needed you to LISTEN. You couldn't keep your mouth shut about your life. It feels like you were boasting about your "wonderful" life to a very sick person. You are shallow, entitled, and bratty. It seems you only care about yourself. Have some empathy. If you don't want to listen, then leave her alone.
YTA she told you it helped her to talk about it. If your friendship isn't a 2-way street, you should just stay away.
YTA. Your friend told you what she needed to feel better and you decided that you didn't want to hear it again and that listening to your adventures would make her feel better. Seriously? Glad you're not my "friend".
You made it all about you and how privileged or fortunate you are. If you genuinely cared about her you would have let her do what she needed to do even if you find the subject not to your taste or already knew what she was sharing. Your bragging was unneeded and tacky. YTA
Yta. Honestly assess your own motivations in this discussion. Did you really feel she shouldn't talk about how hard it's been, or did you just feel uncomfortable with that topic? Conversation with a friend going through grief or illness can be really hard, I never kniw what to say. But if you want to be a supportive friend, and the person is clearly trying to bring the conversation topic back to the illness, then that's what they need to talk about. All you have to do is try to understand what that would feel like if it was you, and sometimes even just listening while they talk is enough, you don't need to "say the right things" or something.
YTA. And incredibly tone-deaf. You didn’t want her to talk about her struggles because YOU didn’t want to hear it. People with health issues sometimes just need someone to actually listen to them… not via text but with a real conversation. Stop being selfish. If I were her, we’d no longer be friends.
YTA. For the reasons others have already given.
YTA. All of the above
You’re a selfish, inconsiderate AH. Your poor friend deserves better YTA
YTA. I know you meant well, but your friend is still processing some traumatic stuff and most people need to talk things over a few times in order to do that processing. As her friend, she was hoping you'd listen to her and agree it was awful and maybe even help reframe some of it with her. She wanted you to witness it with her and help her. You have not yet learned how to feel uncomfortable alongside someone. To listen to their grief and pain without trying to distract them away from it with something more pleasant. But that's what she needs. Be uncomfortable. Witness the discomfort. Tell her how glad you are that it's over now. Let her process her grief and pain with you. And do the same over when one of your friends loses their child, or their health, or otherwise experiences pain and grief. That's how you *be there* in this situation. There will be time to talk about the good things in your life.
I’m not sure he did mean well, actually. He repeatedly refused to listen to her and was annoyed when she did occasionally manage to get a word in
OP is not a man. I understand the need to jump in with "something positive". To somehow suggest that because there are nicer, more comfortable things to talk about that we don't have to talk about (or listen to) things that make us uncomfortable. To offer solutions so that we feel we were helpful. But that makes our friends feel even more isolated and alone. I was a late learner that this isn't how we support those we care about, too. I always meant well, but I didn't know that it was okay to just listen and agree that it sucks. To agree that bodies can be difficult. To agree that sometimes hospital staff are mean. Or whatever it is my loved one needs to express and feel affirmed about. I'm still not perfect, but I don't have to be.
>I understand the need to jump in with "something positive". >To offer solutions so that we feel we were helpful. >To agree that bodies can be difficult. To agree that sometimes hospital staff are mean. Or whatever it is my loved one needs to express and feel affirmed about. Ok but OP did literally none of that. There was no silver lining talks or trying to find positive spins on her friend's situation. It's was all about positive things happening in OP's life and no one else's. Not even small talk about other friends and what they're doing. It was nothing but OP and didn't want to talk about *unpleasant already discussed topics.*
Yuck you’re not a good friend. YTA and self centered
are you mentally challenged? what is this?? YTA.
YTA Talking about yourself is not uplifting and positive. It’s selfish. She wanted to talk through her illness because she said it helps and you just make it more about you because you don’t want to hear it. You were not thinking about her no matter how much you tell yourself you were
OP, I feel like no-one's told you this, but you are not the Main Character of life. When you visit a sick friend your job is to *listen* and to let your friend drive the conversation. She did not want to sit and listen to you brag about your amazing vacation & your new house. She wanted the person she thought was her friend to be supportive. YTA and a shitty friend.
YTA. You already know that though. What an appalling way to treat a sick friend, do you even like this woman?
"It started to feel quite inappropriate" Just admit that you can't emotionally handle vulnerability or difficult topics. YTA.
YTA. Does it even need to be said. The fact that you even question if you were wrong is wild. But calling the fact that she mentioned her struggles at the door “inappropriate” is absolutely insane. What is wrong with you. Jesus lady you suck
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (36F) friend (37F) has been very ill recently and has been updating us in our group on what’s been happening to her. I wasn’t able to visit her during this time due to my busy schedule but after some weeks I made some time and visited her this week. When I got there I took her a little gift and was chatting to her about everything I’ve been up to with work and vacation trips, the beautiful locations and experiences and keeping the conversation positive and uplifting. After awhile in the middle of that she started talking about her illness, time in hospital and all the traumatic and difficult stuff that happened to her. I told her she doesn’t need to re-live all that by talking about it, and said it helps - but she’s already told us everything in messages and it was just going to get her down again so I changed the subject to house renovations as I’ve just bought a house and it’s a good easy subject for her to take her mind off things too. She listened for awhile and then when there was a break in the conversation she tried to steer it back to talking about how difficult it’s been for her and more stuff about what happened in the hospital which she hadn’t told us before. It wasn’t very nice stuff so I listened for a bit quietly to her but didn’t encourage it and then changed the subject to one of the countries I’ve just been to and the stunning scenery and amazing food we had, trying to talk about something positive and inspiring. She seemed to listen half heartedly, responding a little here and there with barely there comments and then it was time for me to go and we said our goodbyes. Again at the door she tried to start talking about all the stuff she’s been through and it started to feel quite inappropriate so I tried to wrap things up and said I needed to go walking away. Later in the evening I got a text from her saying she doesn’t understand why I visited her at all when all I did was come to boast about my holidays and amazing life updates and didn’t want to know about her illness. I’ve responded that I was just trying to take her mind of things and that she’d already told us about everything that happened in messages, there was no need for her to keep going over it in her head or to us and it felt like it was getting a bit wallow-ish? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. She told you about what happened, she im assuming just the medical information and that she was good physically, she this time she was telling you her feelings. It may of been hard to listen to but imagine how hard it was to feel it.
YTA. No one cares about what country you visited or what decorations you put in that moment. It was not about you. Learn what empathy is. Imagine being ill for a long period of time, and then your "friends" would come to tell you how amazing their lives were. If you actually cared you'd have listened to her and supported her, not boast in her face. Not even sure you are evil or just completely oblivious, likely the former.
You can't pretend mental illness a way.
YTA Trying to take her mind off it once was fair, but once she said talking about it helps, you should’ve just let her talk
YTA. You were only talking abd boating about how good your life was. You lr job as her friend is to listen to what she wants and support her during a difficult time. Let her rant. She needed you to LISTEN. not to boast and brag about your “amazing” life and how good it is going for you. You made it all about yourself
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YTA. Some people need to go over things multiple times to process what's happening to them. She's sick and probably scared and you're not listening to what she needs because you think you know better
NTA. It's nice that you want to take her mind off of things, but she wants to talk about it. She wants you to commiserate with her, to shower her with sympathy as you talk about her non-stop. Next time you stop by get ready to talk about nothing but her difficulties, and agree with it all! Good luck
Your N T A vote suggests that the friend is the asshole, for saying what she finds helpful, and trying multiple times to get that help from someone she considers a friend. That doesn't sound like assholey behaviour to me. The asshole is probably the person who ignores their ill friend's request to talk about the illness, and instead talks about their wonderful experiences non stop. Also, nowhere does it suggest that the friend wants *nonstop* talk about their illness. She just kept redirecting back because OP kept redirecting away. Maybe after feeling listened to, the friend might have been happy to hear more about OPs travels.