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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My wife wanted me to take on more of the household chores. I already work full time, commute, and take care of the house and yard. As well as cook/buy two dinners a week and help with household chores. I might be the asshole for paying a cleaning service to take care of the chores my wife wanted me to do out of our budget before splitting our fun money.
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> I think it's a fair compromise.
A "compromise" is an agreement made between both sides. From the description, it sounds like you did this unilaterally and are now dealing with the fallout.
ESH, because even if her request was unreasonable, relationships don't survive unilateral decision-making and failures to communicate.
This is the most reasonable answer and a viewpoint that is often sorely lacking when discussing marital issues online.
I can be technically right in my marriage till the cows come home, but I won’t have a good marriage. I won’t be happy, my wife won’t be happy. I doubt very much we would have made it for as long as we have.
Even if the OP is technically right (and as was pointed out above, I would dispute that because he made a unilateral decision), this seems like it’s leading straight for marriage counseling, at best.
Exactly, being technically right doesn’t mean it’s the best choice for the relationship. Communication and mutual decisions are key for a healthy marriage.
I was being silly, but alone is better than having to pretend to be wrong.
On a serious point, proportionality matters for this. Choose the hills, etc. But to never stick up for yourself? Ouch.
the thing is, no one said not to stick up for yourself. OP is right that this seems unreasonable. BUT just don't make w unilateral decision affecting finances. that's all.
Got it, lol. Compromise is not pretending to be wrong. You don't have to fake it. Sorry, I missed the humor in your comment. Some people think they are right when they are actually wrong. And they are wrong at the top of their voice.
She came to him to talk about feeling that way. They had a conversation. She didn't wake up and hand him a list of chores that she now expects him to do.
I'm some worried about so many redditors like, words mean things. She didn't make any unilateral decisions here, even if it's valid to criticize what she did do.
No, it sounds like there was no negotiation. She was making him take on some of her chores, and all their discussions were really clarifying what she had decided.
She unilaterally decreased her chores and increased his. Without even considering the kids’ chores! (If he can be believed)
She did have a right in the decision, there was conversation, but he ended the conversation and decided to not include her in a decision that would affect her, including financially. Making the case that keeping her out of these decisions could be financially abusive is not the biggest stretch.
How does her decision not affect him?
It is a fair compromise, her literal job is taking care of the house. She’s not even a SAHM anymore, her kids are in school all day, she’s a SAHW. If she wants the trophy wife life (doing nothing and just sitting on your ass), then obviously **someone** has to do the cleaning
Now she has less chores, just like she wanted. What other compromise would there have been?
If she doesn’t like it, then she can get a part time job (ya know, while the kids are in school) and earn her own fun money, but I’m sure that isn’t an option tho. I mean, what would her friends think!
ETA: per OPs own admission, she spends her [days](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/NxmrLMqnhq) taking silversmithing classes, learning Greek, practicing pottery
Wife is entitled and OP made the right choice. Oh no, she won’t be able to learn how to mold clay, how will she survive 😱
Thank you for being one of the only people who has made sense so far.
He works to provide for the family and she’s a stay at home mom to 10 and 12 yo children. Why does he have to do more chores when she’s the one who’s home all day?
If she thinks he could contribute more to house duties, she should go back to work and also provide for the family and then that’ll be a fair trade.
She is a STAHM AND a SAHW.
Her responsibility is the house and kids.
And considering their kids are as old as they are, she’s free most of the day when they’re at school and even after school activities if they’re in them. If she believes he needs to do more, SHE can get a job and make it fair.
Right now her job is the house and kids way later in the day. I’m a woman and I don’t agree with her stance at all.
If I could be a SAHM with my toddler, I absolutely would. She bit the hand that feeds her and he bit back. I think it was well deserved.
Chiming in to agree, as well.
OP is pulling the majority of the weight here. She wants him to pull more while not helping.
Granted, OP should be an adult and have a serious conversation about all of this, but even so, he handled the additional chores his wife pushed on him.
The only reason she's mad is she now has less fun money to spend. OH WELL.
NTA
This whole situation screams "I'm learning 'feminism' from TikTok." And I say that as a feminist who spends way too much time on TikTok. The overall lack of nuance and common sense it takes for a SAHW to demand to do less chores and then cry financial abuse when getting what she wanted had financial consequences for her is insane.
Having been a SAHM when we could afford it and having had to work most of the time my children were growing, I think he should agree as soon as she gets a job and helps pay the bills, save for vacations, and save for the children's college. 🤷♀️
It seems like she wants more time for hobbies.
But like…that’s what part of the seven or so hours the kids are gone should be used for.
You do your household responsibilities, take care of the kid’s business, and whatever time you have left is amounted to yourself. I’ve been writing since I was a kid. But since having my daughter, and working, and college, I don’t have much free time for personal use at all.
The only free time I have is when she’s with her donor for visitation, and usually during that time I do a deep cleaning and organizing and finish school assignments. And then write if I have any time left.
If I didn’t have to work, I’d be able to have more free time. So her whole thing about wanting him to do more chores when SHE DOES NOT WORK is just a wild amount of entitlement I could never possess myself.
She is LUCKY she gets to stay home with her kids and have her bills paid. If I was that lucky, I’d be a fucking stepford wife because I would be THAT GRATEFUL that I’m not missing out on so much of my toddler’s life like I am now to support us. It sounds like he does do his chores on top of working and helping with the kids. I would KILL for a husband like that.
It’s glaringly obvious where her priorities lie and it’s gross.
Also chiming in to agree, as a woman. If the kids were still baby/toddler age I could understand her asking for help, but not at 10 and 12.
It's not like those kids are even of an age when they need a huge amount of supervision when they're home, unless there are some special needs involved, and I would have thought OP would have mentioned that.
Finally someone said it! She’s entitled and been spoiled for too long and now wants more. She’s the type of person who feels their spouses time at work is equivalent to having “free time” and expect everything to be 50/50 once they are home from work.if she was raising a litter of young kids maybe she could claim to not be able to do housework when he’s not there but with only 2? And 10 and 12 to boot? At that age they pretty much take care of themselves. A little more laundry and when cooking your preparing larger servings. At that age they help out as much as they need help, unless of course they are emulating her…. Only one ah and it’s not op
Ha this is my girlfriend.
I work 72 hours a week outside in conditions that go down to -30c in a really mentally and physically demanding job that people can easily be seriously injured or killed and she refers to it as “vacation” because I’m not looking after one child.
Wtf. Did I end up in an alternate universe. People on reddit using common sense and logic? Not siding with the "financially abused" poor wife?
Maybe I should call CERN to see if they messed with reality
It sounds like she is a capable woman that’s not needed at home all the time because the children are school aged. She’s more than welcome to go out and get a job.
What right does the wife have to the money the husband earns if she is not fulfilling any of her roles properly?
Either go out and get a job, or be a stay at home and take the majority of household chores. Then she gets a say in the financial management of the family finances. But she is just a leech in this marriage, not a competent contributing partner. So on what grounds does she think she should have a say in the finances of the family?
She did unilaterally make decisions, though, and literally did hand him a list. Had she said hey I know I should be handling all the housework but I'm feeling overwhelmed and want to get a job and you take on some more chores that's one thing but instead she just said you need to do my chores.
It doesn't say she shut anything down, you're just adding stuff in to suit your pov.
I don't think he should take on more chores, to be fair. But that doesn't mean he should make financial decisions like that. He could say "I have x amount of free time and you have x amount of free time. If you want to do less chores, the only option is to pay for a cleaner." And let the choice be in her hands.
I'm gonna be honest here as normally I'd agree, but here I really don't think we do. Reading between the lines, his wife is out of line here. She's a stay at home mom to two kids who are either in school all day or fully capable of doing basic chores around the house. Op had to hire a cleaner to do his newly added ones, that's not something you should be doing with a stay at home mom. It is literally part of her purpose for being one is to keep house.
Yet it sounds like from the original post, his chores are house maintenance and the lawn. That's what, 1x a week? Is wife doing absolutely all of the cleaning, cooking, escorting, planning, etc, for the family? Can we get a stay at home Mon to outline a general weekday schedule? If the wife is making breakfast, prepping lunches, making dinner, doing cleaning for 3 men in varrying states of hygiene actualization, then she's working 10-12 hours a day. That's a lot, and maybe her list for him was taking some of her weekly deep cleaning tasks while he's already doing his weekly tasks. Stay at home mom's are often taken for granted. How about you exchange hourly logs after 1 week and see if the distribution of labor is really fair? Because from the wife's perspective, OP could be an entitled jerk (not saying that's the case). INFO NEEDED
Agreed. Also if the kids are in the US, it's summer break. Did she say he isn't doing enough all the time or just while the kids are home and she has more to do for them so she can't get to all the chores. That also doesn't preclude in the school year did the kids have more activities that required more time. All we have gotten is my wife said I didn't do enough, do more chores.
why should all the choices be in her hands. these kids are not even small. it's not like they can't clean up after themselves. so how many at home chores can there possibly be. if she can't manage that maybe she needs to go get a job 🤦
Except it seems she wants him to do more so she can do less. OP works, does the yard work, mowing and house maintenance she is a SAHM to 2 pre-teens. OP, his wife and kids all of chores they do and she’s reneging on the agreement they already have in place. She had a list of her chores that she wants him to do but he didn’t get to give her a list of his chores that he’d like her to do. There was no room for negotiation, it was strictly what she wants. I don’t think him hiring someone to do those chores without discussing it was the right thing to do either because again there was no negotiating. Either this couple doesn’t know how to communicate or they are both digging their heels in and of course there is the likelihood that his only chores are yard care and home maintenance which maybe relatively minimal and she does everything else and doesn’t get time off to just relax like he does. I often wish I could hear both sides of the issue instead of just one side.
She stopped doing her chores. He wouldn’t have hired the cleaning service if she didn’t. A. He didn’t agree for her to stop doing her share of the chores and B. Not all feelings are valid.
Edit: made some drowsy typos
Check your misandry at the door.
She unilaterally redistributed the chore list to her benefit. She didn’t compromise or negotiate.
Op should hire a lawn service as well.
What makes you think that "she is his 3rd child"?
The fact is that while yes, he is the "breadwinner" (which ultimately just means that he is paid for his work, while she may be working just as hard all day parenting and taking care of their family's needs, she is NOT being paid for any of that), once he's home for the day chores and parenting should be split.
And while he claims that they are, one of the first things that jumped out at me (because it's so bloody common) is that his chores (which he lists as mowing the lawn, household repairs, yardwork and generally "outdoor" stuff) seem to be solely of the sort that are occasional/intermittent, things that get done once a week or so, whereas he says nothing about helping with things like cooking, laundry, doing dishes, or other things that need to be done daily, or at least multiple times a week. Those seem to be entirely her purview, which explains why she would want him more involved. If things are as he has presented them, then the division of chores is, in fact, completely lopsided, and far from being "his child", she is very reasonable in wanting to revisit that.
“Working hard all day parenting” the kids are 10 and 12. Not 1 and 3. I realize they are on summer break now but during the year they are in school all day. Even with being on summer break, they aren’t babies. They don’t need 24/7 monitoring and assistance. OP has chores and the kids also have their own chores so it’s not like she is constantly cleaning up after them. Mom is a STAHM but is only doing a fraction of the house work. OP is working full time AND doing some house work. Something’s not adding up.
all I can say is if the 10 and 12 year old do not have any severe disabilities and require that much assistance all day everyday when they are out of school she clearly did not do a great job of being a SAHM when they were younger
Is this a joke? She's a SAHM to school-aged kids. It's a cakewalk. I've been a SAHD and a sole earner. The second one is muuuuuuch harder. And YES, she is being paid. He's literally providing everything in her life. Nice try.
You're right it is lopsided. He's doing far more than her, and she needs to step up.
Okay lets Phrase it differently. If I tell my employer I want to have less work/reduced hours bc work interferes with my hobbies then I need to live with a pay cut. That's all that happened.
She doesn't want to hold up her end of the deal so he has to get someone to do it. She works less = She has less fun money... that's adulthood
Actually they both have less fun money. OP stated he pays the bills including the new cleaner before distributing the funds money 50/50. If the cleaner now does most of the cleaning then the wife has time to do the things she enjoys. She just has to do it with less. Just like OP has to do with less because neither one of them wants to do some of the chores. He won’t take on hers and she wants to relinquish some. They came to an impasse and OP figured he’s not picking up the extra, but didn’t say she had to still do those chores because he works and brings home the money. He just gave her what she wanted, less chores while at the same time he didn’t have more added to his plate. It’s normal adulting. OP never mentioned she doesn’t work hard at being a SAHM jus5 that he didn’t want more work.
Yeah that's basically what I meant. For me being an adult means more free time = less money is it education, regular life or whatever chores I outsource. Less free time = more money. It just is what it is.
I think that's basic understanding of everyday life. To the people not getting it I wrote :
"He also has less fun money.
But in the end: she doesn't hold up her end of the deal. A 10 and 12 year old don't need a sahm. She wanted to have less work to have more time for her hobbies. To be exact to have more time for her Greek and silversmithing lessons or whatever new she found.
He already works full time, in this economy more than 40 hours or a high demanding job to be able to feed 4 and live comfortably. So he gets less free time already.
She decided that devide. He might not be her boss but to be that cruel and demanding to your partner is not right. So yeah. She doesn't want to, he can't without having no free time left probably so he had to hire a cleaner to solve it.
Should he have said it ? Sure. Should she maybe been happy with her life ? Yes.
If she was depressed or if it was for a shorter period of time I would feel for her but like that? I don't.
She wanted more free time and she can have more free time but in the end everything has a price. If he would have to work less to get everything done in a reasonable time then they would also have less money.
In a partnership you can't just take and take."
The kids don’t need care. They are middle school. Sahp is not a hard job. At most, 20 hours a week. Maybe. Yes I have done it. When mine was 2&3. Wish I could have kept going. Easiest as most rewarding job I’ve ever done.
She is getting paid for her work.
She is living in a house whose utilities, rent/EMI, groceries, etc are paid for.
She gets to go on vacations with her family.
She gets to take part in hobbies.
Her kids education is paid for.
Nothing is free in this world, and she is not spending any money of her own to do the things mentioned above.
And after all that, her husband gives half of the remaining money from the earnings after subtracting the above mentioned expenses.
The only thing she lacks is decision making power of the finances, and frankly speaking based on her nature from the post, she doesn't deserve it.
But don't say she isn't getting paid.
So, OP has to do his job, but his wife gets to share her job with OP? How is that right? The children are at school not at home so there is very little parenting involved during that time.
The daily things should be done by the person who is sitting at home eating chocolate bob bons and watching "The Price is Right". It's not like she is taking care of children anymore, they are at school.
This exactly. Why is it okay for OP to work 40 hours plus a commute and have to share chores (more than agreed upon) with his wife who is a stay at home parent (to school age kids who also do chores)?
This would be a different discussion entirely if their kids were 5 and under, but they aren’t. I feel like anyone arguing is a SAHM/W who doesn’t want their spot blown up for how easy they actually have it.
She's home all day alone, it's not that hard to cook dinner. Working mums do it AFTER work. There's no way she's working just as hard all day parenting when her pre-teen kids aren't even home, and when they are probably just do their own thing half the time. And she is being paid anyway, the husband is giving half the spare money to her.
It wild that this shitty comment has so many upvotes.
She's a SAHM, so wtf is she doing all day.
He has work AND chores..
What do you call pushing her work on him?
Relationships don't survive on pushing everything on her husband, but somehow you ignore that and jump straight to him...
This sub is allergic to calling women assholes. This has been shown many times here unfortunately. Whenever a woman posts here it’s always NTA but when a man posts about his wife it’s “you two need to communicate more ESH”.
And being a SAHP is an occupation beyond reproach here as well. No matter what your SAHP’s did when you grow up, it is to be assumed the job has gotten 10x harder since then and the person staying home should be allowed to do less sometimes if they feel controlled.
He could have told her about his proposed solution in advance and dealt with any resulting pushback before hiring the service.
That way, he and his wife could have either arrived at a real "compromise," or at the very least, she would have known how he intended to handle an issue related to the home they share.
Again, I'm not saying her request was reasonable. The way OP describes the situation, it sounds like his wife really doesn't want to carry her share of the weight in this household.
However, taking unilateral actions that directly affect the home and finances of one's partner is not the path to a healthy relationship.
No. I think OP was perfectly right. Remember, by having to pay an outside service not only was her fun money amount reduced but so was his. She sounds spoiled and a lazy ass. Her kids are school age so she has plenty of time to get her chores done. I am a single mother no kids home I do all the Indoor chores along with house maintenance lawn and garden plus work full time.
I love how people make it sound like stay-at-home mothers are doing something extraordinarily hard when most working mothers do all of that and hold down a full time job. Parenting isn't easy, it's what you sign up for.
Middle schoolers can be given increased responsibility for household care, and they don't *have* to do a million activities that require transportation (in fact, a growing health issue in children and adolescents is stress due to being overscheduled and not given enough unstructured time). It's actually a really good idea to give chores and responsibilities to young people, to develop independence and set them up for success later in life.
I guess he was just fed up with searching "real "compromise" which pretty much looks like from his wife's point of view, that he would take more chores and she will have less abd it will cost her nothing.
What kind of compromise you see here, if he doesn't want to take more chores and she wants to do less? Give more chores to children, him paing for cleaning from his personal budget?
There are two obvious choices here : hire a cleaning service, or keep things as they are. Here, OP's wife is facing a forced decrease of her "fun" money instead of having the choice of the _statu quo_. Hence the need for communication between the two.
OP could have said : "I think I'm doing a fair share of the chores. If you think yours are too much, we could hire a cleaning service but that would mean less money for the both of us. What do you think about that?".
Easy, no surprises and no AH anywhere in sight (but then this sub would have lost a good story!)
but the compromise and the decision were already made. she unilaterally decided that he should do more. at this stage in the children's lives she's not really a stay-at-home mom she's a stay-at-home wife who feels like she shouldn't be doing the stay at home wife jobs. yet he should do stay at home wife Jobs Plus bring in all the income. that's also not how things work
Add to this: OP should consider how many chores he is doing DAILY. Cause lawn care, house maintenance and yardwork doesn't sound like something one does daily or has to do daily or else the entire household is unable to have, i.e. food, clean clothes, sufficient cleanliness not to attract pests etc.
Does she have the same ability to decide how money is distributed during a disagreement? Seems he has all the access and decision making when it comes to where/how money is allocated. So, does she have the same opportunity to change the outcome of finances when they disagree on matters. Can she unilaterally decide to punish him financially?
Both kids are school age, she could get a job even part time and earn some $$ herself.
Kids are out of the house at least 830 to 4, likely ~8 to ~4 and oldest is 12 so providing they've been raised properly they should be able to be home alone for an hour after school, means there is time for wife to work a FT gig and all chores can be evenly divided between the 4 household members or do a chore wheel and rotate to make things even.
An agreement was already made, no doubt before the kids went to school so it probably does need updating as she no longer has the extra workload. How does that translate into him doing more around the house rather than her picking up a job to help pay for the household?
You should really change your verdict - she spends all her time on hobbies, she was unwilling to compromise herself, she's reaping the rewards of him working full-time with minimal childcare required (the kids are 10 and 12), he's not the asshole at all.
They’re 10/12. Kids those age are mostly self sufficient outside of transportation and maybe making a simple lunch. I would make my own food at that age. What on earth is she stressed about? A little bit of cleaning?
Not only that, they are old enough to be able to entertain themselves. At best, they are asking for mom or dad to drive them to the mall or a friend's house.
My 5 year old is capable of making his own lunches (with supervision if he is using the microwave) if it is something using the range he asks for me to make it but he still helps. 10 and 12 definitely should be able to if they are not disabled.
At that age they are plenty able to clean up after themselves and help with chores. Different era, but at 10 I was home alone most of the time. My parents divorced then and my mom worked two jobs to get by. I ended up with all the household chores and yard work. Though that doesn't explain why a stay at home mom is able to keep up with them and op doesn't mention anything from her point of view.
Right! My mom worked nights as a nurse so when I was 10 and my brother 13 we would take care of ourselves and handle assigned chores while mom slept and dad was at the office. My parents took care of the rest of the chores after they got home.
She's stressed at her 10 and 12 yr old existing in the house more often? Dude at that age those kids are probably either with their friends or in their room all day playing video games. Where is the stress?
Are they? There's nothing in the post that suggests this.
I don't know what other countries are like but there's another month of school left in the UK.
Also, they're 10 and 12. How much looking after do they need?
i admittedly am very confused about SAHPs whose kids go to normal school. like…if you aren’t homesteading what *are* you doing? my cousins are SAHPs to school aged kids and i’m simply stunned they do nothing all day. not everyone is career oriented, but damn, not even like a volunteer thing? i’d be so bored
Honestly, there is a lot of downtime. I stay home while my kid is at school. This arrangement was made when she was a baby and my husband was traveling a lot for work. It worked so well for us that we just kept it going after she started school. I do the cleaning, cooking, shopping, running errands, pet care, driving her to activities, helping with homework after school... basically all of the stuff for the home and family so everyone can relax on evenings and weekends.
I'm sure it sounds like nothing compared to someone with a paid full-time job, and people who do have full-time jobs also do this stuff, but we're very happy with our arrangement.
Those aren’t even cheap hobbies. If they have that much money to blow then just hire the damn cleaner imo. She’s a trophy wife and if OP doesn’t like that he can change it.
NTA. Part of her 'job' (for lack of a better way to describe it) is to take care of the majority of the housework the majority of the time. And I say this as a woman.
Yeah, I don't get her. I cleaned the house and did most of the yard work when I was a SAHM and the kids were in school. When we both worked full time, we split chores evenly or had a cleaning lady.
It sounds like he was doing the maintenance and yard work. She was cleaning and taking care of a 10/12 year old which will be in school for most of the day most of the year
she was watching to many tiktoks about husbands coming home and cooking and cleaning. She is ignoring the fact that is when the kids are newborns and require way more work. If her husband didn't come home and give her a break when the kids were babies she should have said something then.
I'm a SAHW who doesn't pay a single bill because my contribution is managing the house.
Just like my husband would never ask me for any money to pay a bill I would never ask him to do house stuff. I know my responsibilities and he knows his.
If something happens where I can't manage the house, he would have to take from the money he gives me to hire someone else to do it. It would be unfair for him to pay me to do nothing and having to find extra money to find someone to keep the house tidy.
Is selfish of her to expect him to be the provider and take on her job as well.
I think “job” is the perfect way to put it. Being a SAHM is a respectable job in my opinion… as long as you’re doing it.
I do agree with others that it probably would have been best to talk with her first, but still, NTA.
Oh that’s direct!
Very clever and to the point with hiring a cleaning service on top to really push the message home!
I would never have done it though.
I have never found it useful to deal with one problem in a manner that created a mud splash effect to other critical family matters. And the family budget is a huge, impactful, critical area of life and marriage.
I am not at all surprised she objected. You just shot a cannon ball directly over the bow. You went chores ——> budget. You also basically rubbed her nose in the fact you had the unilateral power to do so as well! Power move!
I guess it’s war then?
ESH and so very foolish. Conflict management skills for the win. Don’t carpet bomb across critical areas of family and marriage when trying to resolve stuff with your life partner.
Nonsense. The family budget - is *the* budget.
Yes it has a category- fun money along side many other categories.
Shifting around funds to make a targeted point to throw at your wife’s head is an *interesting* approach to conflict management.
Framing it as “the family budget” implies that he’s got the kids eating beans and toast while he uses the grocery money to pay the maid. It’s a disingenuous framing.
But if you must: the only line item impacted was the fun money.
I had no intention of framing it that way.
My point was he dealt with his problem by infecting another area of his life. He would have been much wiser dealing with the “chores” issue within a containment field of “chores” unless they mutually decided to introduce the budget as part of the discussion or a solution.
Now he is facing a disagreement on two fronts. It was a big move to deal with a relatively small, common marriage topic. The chores issue is as old as the hills. He went big, and now it is bigger.
Now he has chores and “financial abuse” as a discussion point to work through. While chores is historically an old argument and it sounds like he was on quite stable ground with his working hours and her current responsibilities, financial management can get really tricky. Particularly if you pull stunts like he did.
It was a clear shot over the bow. I really think it was foolish.
Her problem* not his problem. She has school age kids and she is a SAHM/W.
She needs to pick up a job to help pay for the cleaner he had to hire to cover her laziness.
We have no idea how deep she dug on the chores issue, or how long the argument dragged on for. That escalation may have been his first move, but it may also have been the only way to end a lengthy impasse. The fact that she went to "financial abuse" makes me suspect that she had probably been intractable on the chores issue.
He is literally responsible for all the bills plus fun money like vacations *before* splitting the rest. OP took care of his responsibility and then some.
If she doesn't like it I suggest that she get a job. She has no reason not to other than she doesn't really want to do much work. She wants to sit around and do nothing all day. The kids are in school, housework doesn't take 8 hours. What is she doing all day?
Watching videos on women being taken advantage of by having them do the housework.
Failing to realize her lifestyle is only because she doesn't need to work outside the home.
>Shifting around funds to make a targeted point to throw at your wife’s head is an interesting approach to conflict management.
Honestly, it sounds like alot of the conversation with her went no where. She probably spends her days watching insta reels and tik toks about how men are lazy and women shouldn't do the majority of house work. Despite her choosing to be stay at home and taking the majority of house work as her job.
So we have a bunch of chores that need to be done. She doesn't want to do them. He doesn't want to do them either. So he hires cleaner to do the job, and pays for it with 50%-50% split from his and hers fun money. They both get the free time, chores are done, in echange of a bit less of fun money for both. She may not like it, and yes, he could have let her know in advance, but I don't see anything unfair in it. Chores are responsibily of them both, and if they outsource help rather than doing it themselves, they might as well pay of it equally. If she wants more fun money, she might as well find herself a job.
So she has hobbies, I'm not criticising you for supporting her but these kind of classes are luxuries that she can afford to do because of your support.
I just think it's rather ridiculous to ask you to do more tasks when she, in essence, can arrange her time as she wishes.
So in otherwords she has moved from SAHM to SAHW since the kids are in school all day and old enough to have a lot more independence. And now she wants to enjoy the luxury of having no responsibilities while you pay for everything.
No no. She wants the luxury of having no responsibilities while he *does* everything. He's apparently ok with paying for cleaning, she's the one who's not.
>She takes a lot of classes. Silversmithing, pottery, Greek. That sort of thing
If you take classes in your non-working time, will that mean you don't have time to do any more chores?
Her classes are her choice as to how to spend her free time. She will find she has less time for classes if she goes out and gets a job, and that the only time you should step up and do more.
Sounds exactly like my deadbeat ex-husband, and the reason he became my ex.
We didn’t even have kids—he had a great job as an engineer while I was in surgical residency. He got laid off and just unilaterally decided he wasn’t going to get another job, ever, because Dr. Sugar Momma (literally what he called me to his friends) would just take care of it.
Never mind that I was working 80+ hours a week for $50k a year and had six-figure student loan debt… not exactly a sugar momma.
Instead he spent a few years and all his savings on a bunch of vanity projects that went nowhere (wrote two chapters of a shitty book, created a shitty board game that couldn’t even pull 10% on his GoFundMe, etc.). And didn’t lift a finger around the rental house he sat in all day eating junk food and drinking.
After multiple attempts to get him to act like an adult, I told him I was tired of feeling like a single mother of a lazy teenager and left him in the dust.
Your wife needs a reality check—NTA.
My wife is a surgeon - with no student debt. I'm a engineer, so she makes more than me.
While she did offer to have me stay home, I couldn't do it. Personally it felt gross to me to have her work all her crazy hours and for me to have a easier workload (cleaning and cooking would take 3 hours a day, max). Even now that we have three kids I insist on working.
I feel like both parties in a relationship should be working toward a common goals and helping one another as equitably to achieve that. It isn't fair for one party to carry the bulk of the weight or sustainable long term.
My current husband does stay home, as he’s a disabled vet and gets payments through the VA. He does the vast majority of the housework and also cares for our farm and rental properties (essentially he’s the super).
It’s a great arrangement we arrived at mutually, and allows us each space to do our hobbies and pursue interests while the house and everything is maintained and we have a stable financial cushion.
The difference between our marriage and my first one is so unbelievable, and it’s great to have a real partner who acts like a grown up.
Nothing wrong with hobbies. But asking you to earn all of the money and do all of the cleaning so she can engage in those is ridiculous. Even if she had a fully packed 40 hour a week hobby schedule she can still clean and keep house as she previously agreed to do.
There is something wrong with hobbies if only one person can engage in them because they are working full time and being expected to do a ton of housework even though the partner is a housewife.
I just refuse to believe that she has no time to do anything else besides these hobbies. I worked a part time job and still had hobbies while doing an 18 credit courseload as an undergrad. Even if she does pottery, Greek, painting etc. I find it very hard to believe that actual classes add up to 40 hours or anywhere close. And, even if they did, a person who works 40 hours is still expected to do their own laundry.
Point is, it isn't the fault of hobbies or having hobbies. This person just doesn't want to do housework.
So when do you get to have a hobby or two if she expects you to do more chores when youre not working? If she doesnt want to do her chores, then she can go back to work? Thats the only fair compromise.
If anyone is abusing it's her. She is making you pull double duty while she has fun. She is a freeloader. I take care of 3 kids one with special needs and still wouldn't expect the person who works all today to pay bills to come home to have to cook and clean. I don't even get fun money like she does. It's my job to do since I don't work and I had kids. I been where you are. I been the person that worked and still had to come home and clean. It's not right. You should let her know if she claims your financially abusive then yall can divorce then she can get a job to pay her own bills and clean her own house. She Is living the good life and walking all over you.
This 110%. She is living a highly privileged life without any acknowledgement or appreciation for what she has been given. And because she has been spoiled, indulged and enabled in her selfishness for so long, she has now decided she is entitled to do even fewer chores so that she has even more time to pursue her passions while expecting her hard-working husband to do even more. And then when she's provided paid help instead, she has the audacity and unmitigated gall to call him an AH and accuse him of being financially abusive. I'm so tired of reading about these demanding, ungrateful wives and the husbands who tolerate them. Instead of asking if they're in the wrong, they need to man up and stop allowing themselves to be constantly taken advantage of.
I think you should add this to the post. NTA.
My partner works and provides for us, does the cooking and cleaning. I have health issues (at the moment I can manage a couple hours doing anything physical before I have no energy). He prefers I focus that energy on my hobby.
In return I offer support, try to encourage him to work less and try not to make his life difficult.
I hate not being able to more and your wife sounds selfish not pulling her weight. Do classes by all means but they shouldn't affect her responsibilities.
Those are hobbies, which cost money, not contributions to the family.
I don't understand what she offers if the kids are at school and she refuses to work around the home? What is she contributing?
My wife and I both work full-time. We can manage to keep our house clean between the two of us. Millions of families across America manage to keep a house clean while both parties are working.
Realistically a stay at home parent doesn't work long term. Children go to school, so there isn't a need to stay home unless you're homeschooling. Additionally the large break in employment can greatly your career effect long term, your long term financial security (for both parties) and your retirement.
Your wife needs a job, not fun hobbies.
NTA, kids are old enough when she can actually do more chores and not less. I would get that she needs help chores when you kids were toddlers, but with kids being out of house (school, friends, hobbies, etc.) for a big chunk of the day and not needing much attention even when they are.. She is just lazy.
NTA
The kids are old enough to be mostly independent and are actually helping with chores. She's a stay at home mom while you work and provide 100%. It is wild for her to expect you to do her chores on top of the rest. What does she even do all day when the kids are in school ?
You provided a solution to her ~~laziness~~ problem: she gets to do less chores. If she doesn't like its impact on her budget, she can do the damn chores, get a job herself, or she can leave and find out what living alone, working full time with an apartment to maintain and 2 kids looks like. And I say this as a woman - you're not being financially abusive, she's the one exploiting you.
Unless your 10 & 12 year old kids are homeschooled, your wife isn't a SAHM, but a SAHW. What does she do with her day that she can't clean the house? NTA
Info: I'd say the balance on chores lies not in how much chores and work 1 person does. If 1 does paid work and another unpaid work (around the house), the balance is in how much free time you're both having.
So the question is, does this list make you have equal spare time?
Well, then that's the discussion you 2 should be having. You want to have time so you paid off the chores and if it's your time she wants she should communicate that.
i feel like her request is so unreasonable that you are going to be backed into a corner here. if things are to be equitable and she wants you doing more chores (ie her job), then either she gets a part time job and ads that money to the family income pool, or you stop splitting that leftover money 50/50. and, with my experience with this, she will not want to do that and will act like you're a monster. you're in a tough spot.
NTA. Ask her if she wants you to reduce the time you work, meaning less money, to do the chores she doesnt want to do? She can go and get a jobb if she wants you to do her job. I am a stay at home mum, I know I do the ground work, my husband does the things I cant do nor know how ( Tech stuff mostly, I cant solder any more, I can not figure the none leaded solder).
Well exist and spend money. Op said she wants him to do more chores cause she is taking on many hobby classes like pottery and stuff during the day cause the kids are grown
I guy I know has his marriage dissolving of 12 years exactly for this reason. He finally gave her an ultimatum after the third time he paid off all her debt and found more credit cards she had already run up to almost 6 figures. She, no hesitation chose divorce.
Nta. She's a stay at home parent, it's her job to keep the house clean, she picks up the majority of chores. Kids can do some, you can do some too, but she should be doing 70-80%. She gets hobbies too, lots of them, she's living a very privileged life. I'd love her life, very easy.
You could always suggest divorce, where she has to drop her hobbies, find a new home, get a job, and has 100% of the chores in her home to do, like other single mothers.
Your kids are in school, no? What exactly does your wife do all day? Let’s put chores aside … 10 and 12 … so what exactly does she do between 8am and 4pm. Not asking to be nasty, but that’s a lot of spare time.
Personally I’d clean just to fill my day. Or exercise. Or something. Then probably go nuts of boredom after 6 months
Sounds to me like a bored upper middle class housewife. Why not simply get a job then pay for a cleaner and do pointless classes to fill her days to her hearts content
Sounds like a perfect person for a House Hunters episode.
"She is Greek speaking silversmith and her budget is $3.1 million for her new home. She is worried there will only be a rundown shack in that price range with at least 13 bedrooms and a full staff for her family of 4."
Your kids are 10 and 12 idk but I have a 3 year old and I’m sure at that age they pretty much take care of themselves. Your wife has no job and she still wants to do less?
INFO:
Your kids are out of school for the summer, does she entertain them/guide them throughout the day? Does she have to take them to activities? When you say they have chores, do they actually do them or does your wife have to micromanage them? Does she handle any aspects of financial planning (example: Keeping track of the bills, Plan for expenses, Budgeting)? Do you have pets? Does she also do all the shopping/meal prep?
There is a lot of invisible labor that goes into maintaining a home and raising children.
I'm very surprised this is the first comment to bring this up. Elementary age children are not independent. They need to be picked up and dropped off, they need help with homework and projects, and they need to planned and provided for in general. Add to that if they do any kind of after-school activity. Many people have also noted that it is the summer, which in the U.S. for everyone except year-round school kids, means months of summer vacation, usually spent in the home.
Exactly. They really are still dependent even at 10 & 12! You can't just shove them in front of a screen all day. If OP's wife was doing that and still wanting to shift chores, then OP has a pretty solid point.
If she is a sahm then it’s her job to take care of the house. Doesn’t mean you don’t do dishes and keep the bathroom clean. That’s everyone. Kids too. But the house is her job. Said as former sahm.
That's what I'm saying! School is out, and kids that age still need attention. You can't just leave kids to do whatever. I think there is a lot of missing information here. Summer is a different story from the school year.
Did she have a good reason for you taking on extra chores on top of being the sole income earner? It sounds like (although could be wrong) she spends her free time in the week attending classes whilst you're at work?
NTA as a stay at home mum and my partner being the one that works I do majority of housework but we have a disabled 16 year old which is 100% draining as I do 95% of his care and also 12 year old. I also have my own health issues so some days I can’t do much and he may do an extra hour on his day off to help me but it’s not expected.
> as a stay at home mum and my partner being the one that works **outside the home**
FTFY
For real, though, it sounds like you’re working pretty damn hard, too. It makes me a bit sad to see things framed in a way that implies he’s the only one working. The work you’re doing is not any less valuable because it doesn’t come with a paycheque. You’ve got a hard job, and I hope your husband respects and acknowledges that.
So she called you an asshole because of her laziness of not wanting to do her part which it should be less actually.People are calling you a jerk,but she can't have it both ways
Her hobbies are not bringing in any income,so you might as well do something useful with the money.She has gotten entitled.Time for her to apply to job sites.
NTA. Lmao what’s financially abusive is thinking you don’t have to do anything and somehow get money for it. This is like the guy who refused to have a sex doll for a wife cause she didn’t want to work.
Direct, but NTA.
What exactly does your wife do from 9-3 every day while the kids are in school?
I never understood the purpose of stay-at-home parents once kids are in school.
I'd say it's safe to assume that your wife has quite a bit of free personal time to herself daily, and you have very little with work and chores. Ask her what she's doing with her time, because I highly doubt she has 5+ hours of chores every single day.
Info: why did she bring this up?
The biggest reason I could see it actually being valid is because of modelling for your kids. My parents had a traditional setup where Mom was a SAHM and Dad worked. My brother basically replicated this without growing out of the slobby teenager phase (because neither did my dad). It’s now causing a lot of stress and burnout for his very high-needs family, and I’ve wished for years that our dad had modelled taking more responsibility.
I find it very interesting that you don’t share any of her rationale behind why she wanted to give you some of her to-do list. You share that you asked her for her list, then paid someone else to do it (without discussing that plan). That’s really messed up and it kind of shows a lot about the power dynamic in your house.
I disagree. If her "job" is to do those chores then she can choose to either do them or pay someone else to do it. What if you wanted to work less so you have more time for your hobbies? Will she find an income source to help with bills and whatever else?
No it would be fair. She doesn't go to work with you and help you with her job so why should you have to help her with her job as someone who stays at home. If she can't do her job then it should come out of her money.
Let me suggest this. Her work is to do chores. That’s why she gets fun money. For doing her share of chores. If she no longer does said chores, what’s she doing to earn having free money she can waste on her classes? Her “job” is to do chores, as the SAHW. If she’s not doing her job, she needs to get a different one. Maybe one that helps the household. Like… earn money, per say.
The kids are 10/12 and in school most of the day. If she wants you to do more chores, it should be because she’s found a job and will no longer be a SAHM.
From OP comments, it sounds like her hobbies are getting in the way of her responsibilities. They already split the chores 3 ways and the kids are in school for 6-8 hours a day. Being that they are 10 and 12, the level of care needed isn’t the same as a small child. She is absolutely becoming lazy and entitled and he should have a serious conversation going forward. Sounds like OP is doing way more between the household and being the breadwinner than his wife.
I'm a SAHM and will say you are NTA based on the post and comments you have made.
My husband and I split the housework evenly but that is because I am a home educator so have my kids all day. That is my job. The pay is awful and the working hours are terrible (jokes) but we both see this as my work so the chores are split evenly (though I often do more because I can - for example, when the kids were watching some educational videos, I was sorting out laundry). If the kids were in school, it is completely and utterly reasonable that I would be expected to do the majority of the housework. I don't understand your wife's thinking here - if the kids are in school and you are at work, then yes, the majority of the household duties fall to her if she doesn't have employment. And yes, if she's not willing to do the work, it is completely reasonable for you to pay for someone who will before the "fun" money is split.
Do I think you could have communicated this before doing it? Yes. But I really do not understand your wife at all as I would be thrilled if we could afford help!!
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> I think it's a fair compromise. A "compromise" is an agreement made between both sides. From the description, it sounds like you did this unilaterally and are now dealing with the fallout. ESH, because even if her request was unreasonable, relationships don't survive unilateral decision-making and failures to communicate.
This is the most reasonable answer and a viewpoint that is often sorely lacking when discussing marital issues online. I can be technically right in my marriage till the cows come home, but I won’t have a good marriage. I won’t be happy, my wife won’t be happy. I doubt very much we would have made it for as long as we have. Even if the OP is technically right (and as was pointed out above, I would dispute that because he made a unilateral decision), this seems like it’s leading straight for marriage counseling, at best.
Exactly, being technically right doesn’t mean it’s the best choice for the relationship. Communication and mutual decisions are key for a healthy marriage.
“Would you rather be right, or happy?”
False dichotomy. Being right makes me happy!
You forgot to add 'Alone', happy and alone.
I was being silly, but alone is better than having to pretend to be wrong. On a serious point, proportionality matters for this. Choose the hills, etc. But to never stick up for yourself? Ouch.
the thing is, no one said not to stick up for yourself. OP is right that this seems unreasonable. BUT just don't make w unilateral decision affecting finances. that's all.
Got it, lol. Compromise is not pretending to be wrong. You don't have to fake it. Sorry, I missed the humor in your comment. Some people think they are right when they are actually wrong. And they are wrong at the top of their voice.
I’ve heard this as “do you want to be right, or be married?”
“Would you rather be right, or happy?” I've never heard that said to a woman, only men.
Unilateral like deciding he doesn't do enough when she is his 3rd child?
She came to him to talk about feeling that way. They had a conversation. She didn't wake up and hand him a list of chores that she now expects him to do. I'm some worried about so many redditors like, words mean things. She didn't make any unilateral decisions here, even if it's valid to criticize what she did do.
No, it sounds like there was no negotiation. She was making him take on some of her chores, and all their discussions were really clarifying what she had decided. She unilaterally decreased her chores and increased his. Without even considering the kids’ chores! (If he can be believed)
She did have a right in the decision, there was conversation, but he ended the conversation and decided to not include her in a decision that would affect her, including financially. Making the case that keeping her out of these decisions could be financially abusive is not the biggest stretch.
How does her decision not affect him? It is a fair compromise, her literal job is taking care of the house. She’s not even a SAHM anymore, her kids are in school all day, she’s a SAHW. If she wants the trophy wife life (doing nothing and just sitting on your ass), then obviously **someone** has to do the cleaning Now she has less chores, just like she wanted. What other compromise would there have been? If she doesn’t like it, then she can get a part time job (ya know, while the kids are in school) and earn her own fun money, but I’m sure that isn’t an option tho. I mean, what would her friends think! ETA: per OPs own admission, she spends her [days](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/NxmrLMqnhq) taking silversmithing classes, learning Greek, practicing pottery Wife is entitled and OP made the right choice. Oh no, she won’t be able to learn how to mold clay, how will she survive 😱
Thank you for being one of the only people who has made sense so far. He works to provide for the family and she’s a stay at home mom to 10 and 12 yo children. Why does he have to do more chores when she’s the one who’s home all day? If she thinks he could contribute more to house duties, she should go back to work and also provide for the family and then that’ll be a fair trade. She is a STAHM AND a SAHW. Her responsibility is the house and kids. And considering their kids are as old as they are, she’s free most of the day when they’re at school and even after school activities if they’re in them. If she believes he needs to do more, SHE can get a job and make it fair. Right now her job is the house and kids way later in the day. I’m a woman and I don’t agree with her stance at all. If I could be a SAHM with my toddler, I absolutely would. She bit the hand that feeds her and he bit back. I think it was well deserved.
I agree with you and I'm a woman too. Her job is the house and kids, his is outside the home. She can't just up and change it. NTA.
Chiming in to agree, as well. OP is pulling the majority of the weight here. She wants him to pull more while not helping. Granted, OP should be an adult and have a serious conversation about all of this, but even so, he handled the additional chores his wife pushed on him. The only reason she's mad is she now has less fun money to spend. OH WELL. NTA
Totally agree and I'm also a woman. NTA
This whole situation screams "I'm learning 'feminism' from TikTok." And I say that as a feminist who spends way too much time on TikTok. The overall lack of nuance and common sense it takes for a SAHW to demand to do less chores and then cry financial abuse when getting what she wanted had financial consequences for her is insane.
Having been a SAHM when we could afford it and having had to work most of the time my children were growing, I think he should agree as soon as she gets a job and helps pay the bills, save for vacations, and save for the children's college. 🤷♀️
It seems like she wants more time for hobbies. But like…that’s what part of the seven or so hours the kids are gone should be used for. You do your household responsibilities, take care of the kid’s business, and whatever time you have left is amounted to yourself. I’ve been writing since I was a kid. But since having my daughter, and working, and college, I don’t have much free time for personal use at all. The only free time I have is when she’s with her donor for visitation, and usually during that time I do a deep cleaning and organizing and finish school assignments. And then write if I have any time left. If I didn’t have to work, I’d be able to have more free time. So her whole thing about wanting him to do more chores when SHE DOES NOT WORK is just a wild amount of entitlement I could never possess myself. She is LUCKY she gets to stay home with her kids and have her bills paid. If I was that lucky, I’d be a fucking stepford wife because I would be THAT GRATEFUL that I’m not missing out on so much of my toddler’s life like I am now to support us. It sounds like he does do his chores on top of working and helping with the kids. I would KILL for a husband like that. It’s glaringly obvious where her priorities lie and it’s gross.
Also chiming in to agree, as a woman. If the kids were still baby/toddler age I could understand her asking for help, but not at 10 and 12. It's not like those kids are even of an age when they need a huge amount of supervision when they're home, unless there are some special needs involved, and I would have thought OP would have mentioned that.
She wanted HIM to do the chores, not someone else! /s
Finally someone said it! She’s entitled and been spoiled for too long and now wants more. She’s the type of person who feels their spouses time at work is equivalent to having “free time” and expect everything to be 50/50 once they are home from work.if she was raising a litter of young kids maybe she could claim to not be able to do housework when he’s not there but with only 2? And 10 and 12 to boot? At that age they pretty much take care of themselves. A little more laundry and when cooking your preparing larger servings. At that age they help out as much as they need help, unless of course they are emulating her…. Only one ah and it’s not op
Ha this is my girlfriend. I work 72 hours a week outside in conditions that go down to -30c in a really mentally and physically demanding job that people can easily be seriously injured or killed and she refers to it as “vacation” because I’m not looking after one child.
Wtf. Did I end up in an alternate universe. People on reddit using common sense and logic? Not siding with the "financially abused" poor wife? Maybe I should call CERN to see if they messed with reality
It sounds like she is a capable woman that’s not needed at home all the time because the children are school aged. She’s more than welcome to go out and get a job.
What right does the wife have to the money the husband earns if she is not fulfilling any of her roles properly? Either go out and get a job, or be a stay at home and take the majority of household chores. Then she gets a say in the financial management of the family finances. But she is just a leech in this marriage, not a competent contributing partner. So on what grounds does she think she should have a say in the finances of the family?
If she is so sad that she won't have fun money anymore she can get herself a job for it. There is no need for her to be a SAHM
She did unilaterally make decisions, though, and literally did hand him a list. Had she said hey I know I should be handling all the housework but I'm feeling overwhelmed and want to get a job and you take on some more chores that's one thing but instead she just said you need to do my chores.
He asked her what she wanted to do. She didn't just give him a list and say this is what's happening now.
And when he said about renegotiating his chores as well she shut down the conversation rather than negotiating.
It doesn't say she shut anything down, you're just adding stuff in to suit your pov. I don't think he should take on more chores, to be fair. But that doesn't mean he should make financial decisions like that. He could say "I have x amount of free time and you have x amount of free time. If you want to do less chores, the only option is to pay for a cleaner." And let the choice be in her hands.
I think we need to know what the distribution of chores are before we can comment fully.
I'm gonna be honest here as normally I'd agree, but here I really don't think we do. Reading between the lines, his wife is out of line here. She's a stay at home mom to two kids who are either in school all day or fully capable of doing basic chores around the house. Op had to hire a cleaner to do his newly added ones, that's not something you should be doing with a stay at home mom. It is literally part of her purpose for being one is to keep house.
Yet it sounds like from the original post, his chores are house maintenance and the lawn. That's what, 1x a week? Is wife doing absolutely all of the cleaning, cooking, escorting, planning, etc, for the family? Can we get a stay at home Mon to outline a general weekday schedule? If the wife is making breakfast, prepping lunches, making dinner, doing cleaning for 3 men in varrying states of hygiene actualization, then she's working 10-12 hours a day. That's a lot, and maybe her list for him was taking some of her weekly deep cleaning tasks while he's already doing his weekly tasks. Stay at home mom's are often taken for granted. How about you exchange hourly logs after 1 week and see if the distribution of labor is really fair? Because from the wife's perspective, OP could be an entitled jerk (not saying that's the case). INFO NEEDED
Agreed. Also if the kids are in the US, it's summer break. Did she say he isn't doing enough all the time or just while the kids are home and she has more to do for them so she can't get to all the chores. That also doesn't preclude in the school year did the kids have more activities that required more time. All we have gotten is my wife said I didn't do enough, do more chores.
why should all the choices be in her hands. these kids are not even small. it's not like they can't clean up after themselves. so how many at home chores can there possibly be. if she can't manage that maybe she needs to go get a job 🤦
Except it seems she wants him to do more so she can do less. OP works, does the yard work, mowing and house maintenance she is a SAHM to 2 pre-teens. OP, his wife and kids all of chores they do and she’s reneging on the agreement they already have in place. She had a list of her chores that she wants him to do but he didn’t get to give her a list of his chores that he’d like her to do. There was no room for negotiation, it was strictly what she wants. I don’t think him hiring someone to do those chores without discussing it was the right thing to do either because again there was no negotiating. Either this couple doesn’t know how to communicate or they are both digging their heels in and of course there is the likelihood that his only chores are yard care and home maintenance which maybe relatively minimal and she does everything else and doesn’t get time off to just relax like he does. I often wish I could hear both sides of the issue instead of just one side.
She stopped doing her chores. He wouldn’t have hired the cleaning service if she didn’t. A. He didn’t agree for her to stop doing her share of the chores and B. Not all feelings are valid. Edit: made some drowsy typos
Check your misandry at the door. She unilaterally redistributed the chore list to her benefit. She didn’t compromise or negotiate. Op should hire a lawn service as well.
She made the decision that he isn’t doing enough, when he’s doing most of the things that keep them alive.
She didn’t have a discussion, she gave an ultimatum.
> She didn't wake up and hand him a list of chores that she now expects him to do. Sorry, but that’s exactly what happened, according to OP.
What makes you think that "she is his 3rd child"? The fact is that while yes, he is the "breadwinner" (which ultimately just means that he is paid for his work, while she may be working just as hard all day parenting and taking care of their family's needs, she is NOT being paid for any of that), once he's home for the day chores and parenting should be split. And while he claims that they are, one of the first things that jumped out at me (because it's so bloody common) is that his chores (which he lists as mowing the lawn, household repairs, yardwork and generally "outdoor" stuff) seem to be solely of the sort that are occasional/intermittent, things that get done once a week or so, whereas he says nothing about helping with things like cooking, laundry, doing dishes, or other things that need to be done daily, or at least multiple times a week. Those seem to be entirely her purview, which explains why she would want him more involved. If things are as he has presented them, then the division of chores is, in fact, completely lopsided, and far from being "his child", she is very reasonable in wanting to revisit that.
“Working hard all day parenting” the kids are 10 and 12. Not 1 and 3. I realize they are on summer break now but during the year they are in school all day. Even with being on summer break, they aren’t babies. They don’t need 24/7 monitoring and assistance. OP has chores and the kids also have their own chores so it’s not like she is constantly cleaning up after them. Mom is a STAHM but is only doing a fraction of the house work. OP is working full time AND doing some house work. Something’s not adding up.
all I can say is if the 10 and 12 year old do not have any severe disabilities and require that much assistance all day everyday when they are out of school she clearly did not do a great job of being a SAHM when they were younger
Is this a joke? She's a SAHM to school-aged kids. It's a cakewalk. I've been a SAHD and a sole earner. The second one is muuuuuuch harder. And YES, she is being paid. He's literally providing everything in her life. Nice try. You're right it is lopsided. He's doing far more than her, and she needs to step up.
Okay lets Phrase it differently. If I tell my employer I want to have less work/reduced hours bc work interferes with my hobbies then I need to live with a pay cut. That's all that happened. She doesn't want to hold up her end of the deal so he has to get someone to do it. She works less = She has less fun money... that's adulthood
Actually they both have less fun money. OP stated he pays the bills including the new cleaner before distributing the funds money 50/50. If the cleaner now does most of the cleaning then the wife has time to do the things she enjoys. She just has to do it with less. Just like OP has to do with less because neither one of them wants to do some of the chores. He won’t take on hers and she wants to relinquish some. They came to an impasse and OP figured he’s not picking up the extra, but didn’t say she had to still do those chores because he works and brings home the money. He just gave her what she wanted, less chores while at the same time he didn’t have more added to his plate. It’s normal adulting. OP never mentioned she doesn’t work hard at being a SAHM jus5 that he didn’t want more work.
Yeah that's basically what I meant. For me being an adult means more free time = less money is it education, regular life or whatever chores I outsource. Less free time = more money. It just is what it is. I think that's basic understanding of everyday life. To the people not getting it I wrote : "He also has less fun money. But in the end: she doesn't hold up her end of the deal. A 10 and 12 year old don't need a sahm. She wanted to have less work to have more time for her hobbies. To be exact to have more time for her Greek and silversmithing lessons or whatever new she found. He already works full time, in this economy more than 40 hours or a high demanding job to be able to feed 4 and live comfortably. So he gets less free time already. She decided that devide. He might not be her boss but to be that cruel and demanding to your partner is not right. So yeah. She doesn't want to, he can't without having no free time left probably so he had to hire a cleaner to solve it. Should he have said it ? Sure. Should she maybe been happy with her life ? Yes. If she was depressed or if it was for a shorter period of time I would feel for her but like that? I don't. She wanted more free time and she can have more free time but in the end everything has a price. If he would have to work less to get everything done in a reasonable time then they would also have less money. In a partnership you can't just take and take."
The kids don’t need care. They are middle school. Sahp is not a hard job. At most, 20 hours a week. Maybe. Yes I have done it. When mine was 2&3. Wish I could have kept going. Easiest as most rewarding job I’ve ever done.
She is getting paid for her work. She is living in a house whose utilities, rent/EMI, groceries, etc are paid for. She gets to go on vacations with her family. She gets to take part in hobbies. Her kids education is paid for. Nothing is free in this world, and she is not spending any money of her own to do the things mentioned above. And after all that, her husband gives half of the remaining money from the earnings after subtracting the above mentioned expenses. The only thing she lacks is decision making power of the finances, and frankly speaking based on her nature from the post, she doesn't deserve it. But don't say she isn't getting paid.
She gets as much personal/hobby money as he does.
So, OP has to do his job, but his wife gets to share her job with OP? How is that right? The children are at school not at home so there is very little parenting involved during that time. The daily things should be done by the person who is sitting at home eating chocolate bob bons and watching "The Price is Right". It's not like she is taking care of children anymore, they are at school.
This exactly. Why is it okay for OP to work 40 hours plus a commute and have to share chores (more than agreed upon) with his wife who is a stay at home parent (to school age kids who also do chores)? This would be a different discussion entirely if their kids were 5 and under, but they aren’t. I feel like anyone arguing is a SAHM/W who doesn’t want their spot blown up for how easy they actually have it.
The kids are 10 and 12. The idea that she’s working just as hard taking care of kids old enough to be self sufficient is laughable.
He said he cooks/gets meals twice a week
She's home all day alone, it's not that hard to cook dinner. Working mums do it AFTER work. There's no way she's working just as hard all day parenting when her pre-teen kids aren't even home, and when they are probably just do their own thing half the time. And she is being paid anyway, the husband is giving half the spare money to her.
It wild that this shitty comment has so many upvotes. She's a SAHM, so wtf is she doing all day. He has work AND chores.. What do you call pushing her work on him? Relationships don't survive on pushing everything on her husband, but somehow you ignore that and jump straight to him...
This sub is allergic to calling women assholes. This has been shown many times here unfortunately. Whenever a woman posts here it’s always NTA but when a man posts about his wife it’s “you two need to communicate more ESH”.
And being a SAHP is an occupation beyond reproach here as well. No matter what your SAHP’s did when you grow up, it is to be assumed the job has gotten 10x harder since then and the person staying home should be allowed to do less sometimes if they feel controlled.
How do you communicate with someone who refuses to acknowledge anything but what they want.
So exactly what do you think OP could have done?
He could have told her about his proposed solution in advance and dealt with any resulting pushback before hiring the service. That way, he and his wife could have either arrived at a real "compromise," or at the very least, she would have known how he intended to handle an issue related to the home they share. Again, I'm not saying her request was reasonable. The way OP describes the situation, it sounds like his wife really doesn't want to carry her share of the weight in this household. However, taking unilateral actions that directly affect the home and finances of one's partner is not the path to a healthy relationship.
No. I think OP was perfectly right. Remember, by having to pay an outside service not only was her fun money amount reduced but so was his. She sounds spoiled and a lazy ass. Her kids are school age so she has plenty of time to get her chores done. I am a single mother no kids home I do all the Indoor chores along with house maintenance lawn and garden plus work full time.
I love how people make it sound like stay-at-home mothers are doing something extraordinarily hard when most working mothers do all of that and hold down a full time job. Parenting isn't easy, it's what you sign up for. Middle schoolers can be given increased responsibility for household care, and they don't *have* to do a million activities that require transportation (in fact, a growing health issue in children and adolescents is stress due to being overscheduled and not given enough unstructured time). It's actually a really good idea to give chores and responsibilities to young people, to develop independence and set them up for success later in life.
I guess he was just fed up with searching "real "compromise" which pretty much looks like from his wife's point of view, that he would take more chores and she will have less abd it will cost her nothing. What kind of compromise you see here, if he doesn't want to take more chores and she wants to do less? Give more chores to children, him paing for cleaning from his personal budget?
There are two obvious choices here : hire a cleaning service, or keep things as they are. Here, OP's wife is facing a forced decrease of her "fun" money instead of having the choice of the _statu quo_. Hence the need for communication between the two. OP could have said : "I think I'm doing a fair share of the chores. If you think yours are too much, we could hire a cleaning service but that would mean less money for the both of us. What do you think about that?". Easy, no surprises and no AH anywhere in sight (but then this sub would have lost a good story!)
but the compromise and the decision were already made. she unilaterally decided that he should do more. at this stage in the children's lives she's not really a stay-at-home mom she's a stay-at-home wife who feels like she shouldn't be doing the stay at home wife jobs. yet he should do stay at home wife Jobs Plus bring in all the income. that's also not how things work
Add to this: OP should consider how many chores he is doing DAILY. Cause lawn care, house maintenance and yardwork doesn't sound like something one does daily or has to do daily or else the entire household is unable to have, i.e. food, clean clothes, sufficient cleanliness not to attract pests etc.
Does she have the same ability to decide how money is distributed during a disagreement? Seems he has all the access and decision making when it comes to where/how money is allocated. So, does she have the same opportunity to change the outcome of finances when they disagree on matters. Can she unilaterally decide to punish him financially?
Both kids are school age, she could get a job even part time and earn some $$ herself. Kids are out of the house at least 830 to 4, likely ~8 to ~4 and oldest is 12 so providing they've been raised properly they should be able to be home alone for an hour after school, means there is time for wife to work a FT gig and all chores can be evenly divided between the 4 household members or do a chore wheel and rotate to make things even.
An agreement was already made, no doubt before the kids went to school so it probably does need updating as she no longer has the extra workload. How does that translate into him doing more around the house rather than her picking up a job to help pay for the household?
You should really change your verdict - she spends all her time on hobbies, she was unwilling to compromise herself, she's reaping the rewards of him working full-time with minimal childcare required (the kids are 10 and 12), he's not the asshole at all.
Your children are 10 and 12 and I assume are not home-schooled. What exactly is your wife doing all week?
Keeping up with the Kardashians.
Then I would rather work
…at a salt mine
Watching Tiktoks about how horrible and lazy men are.
making lists of chores.
It's summer. The kids are home right? That's why she's stressed
They’re 10/12. Kids those age are mostly self sufficient outside of transportation and maybe making a simple lunch. I would make my own food at that age. What on earth is she stressed about? A little bit of cleaning?
I’d say normal 10 year olds are perfectly capable of making a pb&j or other lunch sandwiches. But agree, where’s her time going?
Not only that, they are old enough to be able to entertain themselves. At best, they are asking for mom or dad to drive them to the mall or a friend's house.
I have an 11 year old. He can make basic dishes like spaghetti and tacos.
My 5 year old is capable of making his own lunches (with supervision if he is using the microwave) if it is something using the range he asks for me to make it but he still helps. 10 and 12 definitely should be able to if they are not disabled.
At that age they are plenty able to clean up after themselves and help with chores. Different era, but at 10 I was home alone most of the time. My parents divorced then and my mom worked two jobs to get by. I ended up with all the household chores and yard work. Though that doesn't explain why a stay at home mom is able to keep up with them and op doesn't mention anything from her point of view.
Right! My mom worked nights as a nurse so when I was 10 and my brother 13 we would take care of ourselves and handle assigned chores while mom slept and dad was at the office. My parents took care of the rest of the chores after they got home.
She's stressed at her 10 and 12 yr old existing in the house more often? Dude at that age those kids are probably either with their friends or in their room all day playing video games. Where is the stress?
If it’s anything like my mom, the stress is from trying to appear to be incredibly busy when in fact you are passed out from opiates all day
Are they? There's nothing in the post that suggests this. I don't know what other countries are like but there's another month of school left in the UK. Also, they're 10 and 12. How much looking after do they need?
They use yard and mom in their post, and don’t mention where they’re from.. 99% American.
i admittedly am very confused about SAHPs whose kids go to normal school. like…if you aren’t homesteading what *are* you doing? my cousins are SAHPs to school aged kids and i’m simply stunned they do nothing all day. not everyone is career oriented, but damn, not even like a volunteer thing? i’d be so bored
Honestly, there is a lot of downtime. I stay home while my kid is at school. This arrangement was made when she was a baby and my husband was traveling a lot for work. It worked so well for us that we just kept it going after she started school. I do the cleaning, cooking, shopping, running errands, pet care, driving her to activities, helping with homework after school... basically all of the stuff for the home and family so everyone can relax on evenings and weekends. I'm sure it sounds like nothing compared to someone with a paid full-time job, and people who do have full-time jobs also do this stuff, but we're very happy with our arrangement.
I’m wondering what she’s doing too.
[Silversmithing, pottery, learning Greek](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/NxmrLMqnhq)
Those aren’t even cheap hobbies. If they have that much money to blow then just hire the damn cleaner imo. She’s a trophy wife and if OP doesn’t like that he can change it.
for real! pottery is one my 2 hobbies and it’s capped at 2 bc pottery is SO expensive 🥲
NTA. Part of her 'job' (for lack of a better way to describe it) is to take care of the majority of the housework the majority of the time. And I say this as a woman.
Yeah, I don't get her. I cleaned the house and did most of the yard work when I was a SAHM and the kids were in school. When we both worked full time, we split chores evenly or had a cleaning lady.
It sounds like he was doing the maintenance and yard work. She was cleaning and taking care of a 10/12 year old which will be in school for most of the day most of the year
she was watching to many tiktoks about husbands coming home and cooking and cleaning. She is ignoring the fact that is when the kids are newborns and require way more work. If her husband didn't come home and give her a break when the kids were babies she should have said something then.
That was our deal.
IMO, she can either accept this arrangement, take your suggestion of doing more housework while she tends to the yard, or get a job. Good luck
And if she wants a cleaner she can't expect him to pay for it! It comes out of her money because she is the one staying home!
It sounds like it comes out of both their fun money. Like it comes out of the overall budget, *then* the remainder is split between op and wife
Right. He didn’t even take it out of her split, he took it out of his own money too. She is reaching and unfair.
Sounds like she thinks she's overworked. Might be time for her to work part time again
that she’s going back on by asking you to take on more responsibility. what are *you* getting from the deal? do you have time for your hobbies?
I'm a SAHW who doesn't pay a single bill because my contribution is managing the house. Just like my husband would never ask me for any money to pay a bill I would never ask him to do house stuff. I know my responsibilities and he knows his. If something happens where I can't manage the house, he would have to take from the money he gives me to hire someone else to do it. It would be unfair for him to pay me to do nothing and having to find extra money to find someone to keep the house tidy. Is selfish of her to expect him to be the provider and take on her job as well.
At this point it's more of her job than the kids who are at school all day and pretty self sufficient once they get home.
I agree. She should be doing the bulk of the chores. That’s typically the agreement when one partner does not work outside the home.
I think “job” is the perfect way to put it. Being a SAHM is a respectable job in my opinion… as long as you’re doing it. I do agree with others that it probably would have been best to talk with her first, but still, NTA.
Oh that’s direct! Very clever and to the point with hiring a cleaning service on top to really push the message home! I would never have done it though. I have never found it useful to deal with one problem in a manner that created a mud splash effect to other critical family matters. And the family budget is a huge, impactful, critical area of life and marriage. I am not at all surprised she objected. You just shot a cannon ball directly over the bow. You went chores ——> budget. You also basically rubbed her nose in the fact you had the unilateral power to do so as well! Power move! I guess it’s war then? ESH and so very foolish. Conflict management skills for the win. Don’t carpet bomb across critical areas of family and marriage when trying to resolve stuff with your life partner.
>I hired a cleaning service and paid for it out of our budget before splitting the fun money. Family budget was not impacted, only fun money.
Nonsense. The family budget - is *the* budget. Yes it has a category- fun money along side many other categories. Shifting around funds to make a targeted point to throw at your wife’s head is an *interesting* approach to conflict management.
Framing it as “the family budget” implies that he’s got the kids eating beans and toast while he uses the grocery money to pay the maid. It’s a disingenuous framing. But if you must: the only line item impacted was the fun money.
I had no intention of framing it that way. My point was he dealt with his problem by infecting another area of his life. He would have been much wiser dealing with the “chores” issue within a containment field of “chores” unless they mutually decided to introduce the budget as part of the discussion or a solution. Now he is facing a disagreement on two fronts. It was a big move to deal with a relatively small, common marriage topic. The chores issue is as old as the hills. He went big, and now it is bigger. Now he has chores and “financial abuse” as a discussion point to work through. While chores is historically an old argument and it sounds like he was on quite stable ground with his working hours and her current responsibilities, financial management can get really tricky. Particularly if you pull stunts like he did. It was a clear shot over the bow. I really think it was foolish.
Her problem* not his problem. She has school age kids and she is a SAHM/W. She needs to pick up a job to help pay for the cleaner he had to hire to cover her laziness.
We have no idea how deep she dug on the chores issue, or how long the argument dragged on for. That escalation may have been his first move, but it may also have been the only way to end a lengthy impasse. The fact that she went to "financial abuse" makes me suspect that she had probably been intractable on the chores issue.
He is literally responsible for all the bills plus fun money like vacations *before* splitting the rest. OP took care of his responsibility and then some.
If she doesn't like it I suggest that she get a job. She has no reason not to other than she doesn't really want to do much work. She wants to sit around and do nothing all day. The kids are in school, housework doesn't take 8 hours. What is she doing all day?
Watching videos on women being taken advantage of by having them do the housework. Failing to realize her lifestyle is only because she doesn't need to work outside the home.
>Shifting around funds to make a targeted point to throw at your wife’s head is an interesting approach to conflict management. Honestly, it sounds like alot of the conversation with her went no where. She probably spends her days watching insta reels and tik toks about how men are lazy and women shouldn't do the majority of house work. Despite her choosing to be stay at home and taking the majority of house work as her job.
So we have a bunch of chores that need to be done. She doesn't want to do them. He doesn't want to do them either. So he hires cleaner to do the job, and pays for it with 50%-50% split from his and hers fun money. They both get the free time, chores are done, in echange of a bit less of fun money for both. She may not like it, and yes, he could have let her know in advance, but I don't see anything unfair in it. Chores are responsibily of them both, and if they outsource help rather than doing it themselves, they might as well pay of it equally. If she wants more fun money, she might as well find herself a job.
Maybe the wife could get a job about it.
NTA what does your wife do all day? The children are at school and unless your house is a mahoosive mansion full of pets, I cannot see what she does 🤔
She takes a lot of classes. Silversmithing, pottery, Greek. That sort of thing.
So she has hobbies, I'm not criticising you for supporting her but these kind of classes are luxuries that she can afford to do because of your support. I just think it's rather ridiculous to ask you to do more tasks when she, in essence, can arrange her time as she wishes.
Yeah. The ESHs are outta touch
So in otherwords she has moved from SAHM to SAHW since the kids are in school all day and old enough to have a lot more independence. And now she wants to enjoy the luxury of having no responsibilities while you pay for everything.
No no. She wants the luxury of having no responsibilities while he *does* everything. He's apparently ok with paying for cleaning, she's the one who's not.
And clean everything. Yes. Sounds like it
>She takes a lot of classes. Silversmithing, pottery, Greek. That sort of thing If you take classes in your non-working time, will that mean you don't have time to do any more chores? Her classes are her choice as to how to spend her free time. She will find she has less time for classes if she goes out and gets a job, and that the only time you should step up and do more.
Sounds exactly like my deadbeat ex-husband, and the reason he became my ex. We didn’t even have kids—he had a great job as an engineer while I was in surgical residency. He got laid off and just unilaterally decided he wasn’t going to get another job, ever, because Dr. Sugar Momma (literally what he called me to his friends) would just take care of it. Never mind that I was working 80+ hours a week for $50k a year and had six-figure student loan debt… not exactly a sugar momma. Instead he spent a few years and all his savings on a bunch of vanity projects that went nowhere (wrote two chapters of a shitty book, created a shitty board game that couldn’t even pull 10% on his GoFundMe, etc.). And didn’t lift a finger around the rental house he sat in all day eating junk food and drinking. After multiple attempts to get him to act like an adult, I told him I was tired of feeling like a single mother of a lazy teenager and left him in the dust. Your wife needs a reality check—NTA.
My wife is a surgeon - with no student debt. I'm a engineer, so she makes more than me. While she did offer to have me stay home, I couldn't do it. Personally it felt gross to me to have her work all her crazy hours and for me to have a easier workload (cleaning and cooking would take 3 hours a day, max). Even now that we have three kids I insist on working. I feel like both parties in a relationship should be working toward a common goals and helping one another as equitably to achieve that. It isn't fair for one party to carry the bulk of the weight or sustainable long term.
My current husband does stay home, as he’s a disabled vet and gets payments through the VA. He does the vast majority of the housework and also cares for our farm and rental properties (essentially he’s the super). It’s a great arrangement we arrived at mutually, and allows us each space to do our hobbies and pursue interests while the house and everything is maintained and we have a stable financial cushion. The difference between our marriage and my first one is so unbelievable, and it’s great to have a real partner who acts like a grown up.
NTA even more.
You are slaving away at the office to provide for your family and she is doing pottery???! And she wants you to do more around the house?
Nothing wrong with hobbies. But asking you to earn all of the money and do all of the cleaning so she can engage in those is ridiculous. Even if she had a fully packed 40 hour a week hobby schedule she can still clean and keep house as she previously agreed to do.
There is something wrong with hobbies if only one person can engage in them because they are working full time and being expected to do a ton of housework even though the partner is a housewife.
I just refuse to believe that she has no time to do anything else besides these hobbies. I worked a part time job and still had hobbies while doing an 18 credit courseload as an undergrad. Even if she does pottery, Greek, painting etc. I find it very hard to believe that actual classes add up to 40 hours or anywhere close. And, even if they did, a person who works 40 hours is still expected to do their own laundry. Point is, it isn't the fault of hobbies or having hobbies. This person just doesn't want to do housework.
So when do you get to have a hobby or two if she expects you to do more chores when youre not working? If she doesnt want to do her chores, then she can go back to work? Thats the only fair compromise.
If anyone is abusing it's her. She is making you pull double duty while she has fun. She is a freeloader. I take care of 3 kids one with special needs and still wouldn't expect the person who works all today to pay bills to come home to have to cook and clean. I don't even get fun money like she does. It's my job to do since I don't work and I had kids. I been where you are. I been the person that worked and still had to come home and clean. It's not right. You should let her know if she claims your financially abusive then yall can divorce then she can get a job to pay her own bills and clean her own house. She Is living the good life and walking all over you.
This 110%. She is living a highly privileged life without any acknowledgement or appreciation for what she has been given. And because she has been spoiled, indulged and enabled in her selfishness for so long, she has now decided she is entitled to do even fewer chores so that she has even more time to pursue her passions while expecting her hard-working husband to do even more. And then when she's provided paid help instead, she has the audacity and unmitigated gall to call him an AH and accuse him of being financially abusive. I'm so tired of reading about these demanding, ungrateful wives and the husbands who tolerate them. Instead of asking if they're in the wrong, they need to man up and stop allowing themselves to be constantly taken advantage of.
When do you get time for your hobbies?
Your wife hit the jackpot.
It sounds like you married a child
I think you should add this to the post. NTA. My partner works and provides for us, does the cooking and cleaning. I have health issues (at the moment I can manage a couple hours doing anything physical before I have no energy). He prefers I focus that energy on my hobby. In return I offer support, try to encourage him to work less and try not to make his life difficult. I hate not being able to more and your wife sounds selfish not pulling her weight. Do classes by all means but they shouldn't affect her responsibilities.
Those are hobbies, which cost money, not contributions to the family. I don't understand what she offers if the kids are at school and she refuses to work around the home? What is she contributing?
My wife and I both work full-time. We can manage to keep our house clean between the two of us. Millions of families across America manage to keep a house clean while both parties are working. Realistically a stay at home parent doesn't work long term. Children go to school, so there isn't a need to stay home unless you're homeschooling. Additionally the large break in employment can greatly your career effect long term, your long term financial security (for both parties) and your retirement. Your wife needs a job, not fun hobbies.
NTA, kids are old enough when she can actually do more chores and not less. I would get that she needs help chores when you kids were toddlers, but with kids being out of house (school, friends, hobbies, etc.) for a big chunk of the day and not needing much attention even when they are.. She is just lazy.
NTA The kids are old enough to be mostly independent and are actually helping with chores. She's a stay at home mom while you work and provide 100%. It is wild for her to expect you to do her chores on top of the rest. What does she even do all day when the kids are in school ? You provided a solution to her ~~laziness~~ problem: she gets to do less chores. If she doesn't like its impact on her budget, she can do the damn chores, get a job herself, or she can leave and find out what living alone, working full time with an apartment to maintain and 2 kids looks like. And I say this as a woman - you're not being financially abusive, she's the one exploiting you.
Unless your 10 & 12 year old kids are homeschooled, your wife isn't a SAHM, but a SAHW. What does she do with her day that she can't clean the house? NTA
SIBM (Stay in Bed Mum).
Info: I'd say the balance on chores lies not in how much chores and work 1 person does. If 1 does paid work and another unpaid work (around the house), the balance is in how much free time you're both having. So the question is, does this list make you have equal spare time?
As it stands she has much more.
Well, then that's the discussion you 2 should be having. You want to have time so you paid off the chores and if it's your time she wants she should communicate that.
i feel like her request is so unreasonable that you are going to be backed into a corner here. if things are to be equitable and she wants you doing more chores (ie her job), then either she gets a part time job and ads that money to the family income pool, or you stop splitting that leftover money 50/50. and, with my experience with this, she will not want to do that and will act like you're a monster. you're in a tough spot.
I wish I had her problems 🙄
Tell her if your at work for 8 hours then she needs to be cleaning for 8 hours.
Tell her if she wants less chores it time to get a job. NTA
NTA. Ask her if she wants you to reduce the time you work, meaning less money, to do the chores she doesnt want to do? She can go and get a jobb if she wants you to do her job. I am a stay at home mum, I know I do the ground work, my husband does the things I cant do nor know how ( Tech stuff mostly, I cant solder any more, I can not figure the none leaded solder).
Sounds like a cheaper to keeper kind of wife. What's her purpose in your life at this point? Does she literally do nothing except exist in your home?
Well exist and spend money. Op said she wants him to do more chores cause she is taking on many hobby classes like pottery and stuff during the day cause the kids are grown
I guy I know has his marriage dissolving of 12 years exactly for this reason. He finally gave her an ultimatum after the third time he paid off all her debt and found more credit cards she had already run up to almost 6 figures. She, no hesitation chose divorce.
Nta. She's a stay at home parent, it's her job to keep the house clean, she picks up the majority of chores. Kids can do some, you can do some too, but she should be doing 70-80%. She gets hobbies too, lots of them, she's living a very privileged life. I'd love her life, very easy. You could always suggest divorce, where she has to drop her hobbies, find a new home, get a job, and has 100% of the chores in her home to do, like other single mothers.
Your kids are in school, no? What exactly does your wife do all day? Let’s put chores aside … 10 and 12 … so what exactly does she do between 8am and 4pm. Not asking to be nasty, but that’s a lot of spare time. Personally I’d clean just to fill my day. Or exercise. Or something. Then probably go nuts of boredom after 6 months
She takes useless classes all day I mean I don’t think that a Greek speaking silversmith is in high demand but what do I know.
Sounds to me like a bored upper middle class housewife. Why not simply get a job then pay for a cleaner and do pointless classes to fill her days to her hearts content
Sounds like a perfect person for a House Hunters episode. "She is Greek speaking silversmith and her budget is $3.1 million for her new home. She is worried there will only be a rundown shack in that price range with at least 13 bedrooms and a full staff for her family of 4."
Your kids are 10 and 12 idk but I have a 3 year old and I’m sure at that age they pretty much take care of themselves. Your wife has no job and she still wants to do less?
INFO: Your kids are out of school for the summer, does she entertain them/guide them throughout the day? Does she have to take them to activities? When you say they have chores, do they actually do them or does your wife have to micromanage them? Does she handle any aspects of financial planning (example: Keeping track of the bills, Plan for expenses, Budgeting)? Do you have pets? Does she also do all the shopping/meal prep? There is a lot of invisible labor that goes into maintaining a home and raising children.
I'm very surprised this is the first comment to bring this up. Elementary age children are not independent. They need to be picked up and dropped off, they need help with homework and projects, and they need to planned and provided for in general. Add to that if they do any kind of after-school activity. Many people have also noted that it is the summer, which in the U.S. for everyone except year-round school kids, means months of summer vacation, usually spent in the home.
Exactly. They really are still dependent even at 10 & 12! You can't just shove them in front of a screen all day. If OP's wife was doing that and still wanting to shift chores, then OP has a pretty solid point.
If she is a sahm then it’s her job to take care of the house. Doesn’t mean you don’t do dishes and keep the bathroom clean. That’s everyone. Kids too. But the house is her job. Said as former sahm.
Info: is she asking for more help during the summer when the kids are not in school? How was the cleaning service discussed? Do you value her input?
That's what I'm saying! School is out, and kids that age still need attention. You can't just leave kids to do whatever. I think there is a lot of missing information here. Summer is a different story from the school year.
Did she have a good reason for you taking on extra chores on top of being the sole income earner? It sounds like (although could be wrong) she spends her free time in the week attending classes whilst you're at work?
NTA as a stay at home mum and my partner being the one that works I do majority of housework but we have a disabled 16 year old which is 100% draining as I do 95% of his care and also 12 year old. I also have my own health issues so some days I can’t do much and he may do an extra hour on his day off to help me but it’s not expected.
> as a stay at home mum and my partner being the one that works **outside the home** FTFY For real, though, it sounds like you’re working pretty damn hard, too. It makes me a bit sad to see things framed in a way that implies he’s the only one working. The work you’re doing is not any less valuable because it doesn’t come with a paycheque. You’ve got a hard job, and I hope your husband respects and acknowledges that.
So she called you an asshole because of her laziness of not wanting to do her part which it should be less actually.People are calling you a jerk,but she can't have it both ways Her hobbies are not bringing in any income,so you might as well do something useful with the money.She has gotten entitled.Time for her to apply to job sites.
Her hobbies cost money not only don't they bring in any money. NTA
NTA. Lmao what’s financially abusive is thinking you don’t have to do anything and somehow get money for it. This is like the guy who refused to have a sex doll for a wife cause she didn’t want to work.
Direct, but NTA. What exactly does your wife do from 9-3 every day while the kids are in school? I never understood the purpose of stay-at-home parents once kids are in school. I'd say it's safe to assume that your wife has quite a bit of free personal time to herself daily, and you have very little with work and chores. Ask her what she's doing with her time, because I highly doubt she has 5+ hours of chores every single day.
Info: why did she bring this up? The biggest reason I could see it actually being valid is because of modelling for your kids. My parents had a traditional setup where Mom was a SAHM and Dad worked. My brother basically replicated this without growing out of the slobby teenager phase (because neither did my dad). It’s now causing a lot of stress and burnout for his very high-needs family, and I’ve wished for years that our dad had modelled taking more responsibility. I find it very interesting that you don’t share any of her rationale behind why she wanted to give you some of her to-do list. You share that you asked her for her list, then paid someone else to do it (without discussing that plan). That’s really messed up and it kind of shows a lot about the power dynamic in your house.
NTA. You would be if you took it out of her half of the "fun money".
No. I would not do that. That would be unfair.
I disagree. If her "job" is to do those chores then she can choose to either do them or pay someone else to do it. What if you wanted to work less so you have more time for your hobbies? Will she find an income source to help with bills and whatever else?
No it would be fair. She doesn't go to work with you and help you with her job so why should you have to help her with her job as someone who stays at home. If she can't do her job then it should come out of her money.
Let me suggest this. Her work is to do chores. That’s why she gets fun money. For doing her share of chores. If she no longer does said chores, what’s she doing to earn having free money she can waste on her classes? Her “job” is to do chores, as the SAHW. If she’s not doing her job, she needs to get a different one. Maybe one that helps the household. Like… earn money, per say.
So your wife does hobbies all day and expects you to work a full time job and do more housework? NTA
The kids are 10/12 and in school most of the day. If she wants you to do more chores, it should be because she’s found a job and will no longer be a SAHM.
From OP comments, it sounds like her hobbies are getting in the way of her responsibilities. They already split the chores 3 ways and the kids are in school for 6-8 hours a day. Being that they are 10 and 12, the level of care needed isn’t the same as a small child. She is absolutely becoming lazy and entitled and he should have a serious conversation going forward. Sounds like OP is doing way more between the household and being the breadwinner than his wife.
I'm a SAHM and will say you are NTA based on the post and comments you have made. My husband and I split the housework evenly but that is because I am a home educator so have my kids all day. That is my job. The pay is awful and the working hours are terrible (jokes) but we both see this as my work so the chores are split evenly (though I often do more because I can - for example, when the kids were watching some educational videos, I was sorting out laundry). If the kids were in school, it is completely and utterly reasonable that I would be expected to do the majority of the housework. I don't understand your wife's thinking here - if the kids are in school and you are at work, then yes, the majority of the household duties fall to her if she doesn't have employment. And yes, if she's not willing to do the work, it is completely reasonable for you to pay for someone who will before the "fun" money is split. Do I think you could have communicated this before doing it? Yes. But I really do not understand your wife at all as I would be thrilled if we could afford help!!