Agree 100% - harassment is unwanted comments/attention. OP has expressed its unwanted, person texting agreed to stop. Assuming that’s the end of it nothing needs to be done.
I agree sounds like he received the message loud and clear. He will move on and find someone else to annoy is my guess. Guys like this are just looking for an ez opportunity they don’t get bogged down in things like love. They are classic perverts and they have thick skins. He is just hoping and praying you don’t go to HR my guess is he will apologize at some point.
I would not go as far as to say they are “perverts.” This is flirting. Many people meet and get married in the workplace. He took a shot with someone who is not his subordinate. They said stop. He said ok. This is not outside the bounds normal human behavior that get this person labeled a “pervert.” Or that you know this person “doesn’t get bogged down by love.” You have like one paragraph of information and are making pretty intense conclusions. If you are truly in HR you should probably check your own biases.
Flirting with an engaged woman who has repeatedly talked about her fiance and wedding planning to him. Dude can't take a hint and is entering pervert area. It'd be different if she was single.
This is like a sexual harassment fable. Man acts inappropriately, woman promptly stands up for herself, man promptly backs off, and the internet offers level headed feedback instead wanting to kill him. Kind of heartwarming. Maybe we can live in a society after all.
OP I do hope it ends right there. If someone said that to my fiance I'd feel the same as yours. But it's not his call, just like it's not mine.
Talking about a bf/fiance/husband/wife is different than saying the commentary is unwelcome. Her last response to him should have been her first response.
Informing someone that they have a bf/fiancee could be taken as a hint to keep it on the DL... many people cannot or do not recognize hints and/or subtle social cues... I have several coworkers like this... they legit don't recognize subtle hints, and even outright direct conversation, especially if previous interactions have been happy, light, and flirty without direct explicit stern direction that the behavior/conversation is unwelcome.
I mean it’s not Twitter world though. Have you ever told a man you’re just not interested? He’ll still try. Tell him you have a boyfriend or husband though and he’ll back off.
Yea that’s how they view it. They back down if you days you have boyfriend or husband because now you belong to another man. If you’re just telling them to fuck off in general, they don’t listen.
This is why sexual harassment is such a hard topic in the workplace. Some people might not find that inappropriate, some people may. Some people say that all that time casually, some people don't. Hard for anyone to define every exact thing that is "inappropriate". The way OP handled it and the guy handled it was professional and receptive.
Text book would have been reporting it as well to everything they already did. You're not the only person he speaks to that way and a younger employee may not have the guts you did to tell him to stop. That's why you need to report him, to protect other women
You’re making a lot of assumptions which may or may not be true. OP asked him to stop and he agreed to. Assuming that’s the case then maybe he’s learned not to send these kind of texts.
Our HR training basically suggested exactly what you did- make it clear that the behavior is wrong and needs to stop. Then if it happens again go to HR.
This is an odd grey area. Harassment is unwanted things. But the offender needs to know it is unwanted.
I had three folks on my team about 10 years ago that were lots of drama on this kind of thing an that is what HR said at the very beginning.
By the end, I had to term two of them.
Small clarification - unwanted advances need to be known they are unwanted to be considered harassment. Other forms of harassment such as lewd or derogatory jokes, inappropriate touching, quid pro quo, etc do not require a notice that it is unwanted.
Quid pro quo is Latin and means "this for that." In legal terms it applies when something is exchanged for something else in a coercive way. Obvious examples being things like have sex with me if you want a raise or promotion type exchanges. In terms of sexual harassment it's where one person uses the threat of adverse employment action or the promise of positive employment action in exchange for something sexual in nature. It can also apply after the fact as in "if you don't tell anyone I assaulted you, I'll give you a promotion" or the inverse, "if you tell anyone I assaulted you, I'll fire you and black ball you."
Quid pro quo is one of the worst forms of sexual harassment because it usually involves sexual assault in some form. See Harvey Weinstein or Clarence Thomas.
He knew what he was doing.
I (male) have been working for decades now. Do you know one word I have never ever said / texted when talking to my coworker? Sexy.
There is no reason to use that word. Ever. If one of my reports brought this to me I ‘d give the person who used it (male or female) a serious talking to.
Yes, what’s your point though? he was trying to start a relationship. It’s human nature and not everyone starts a relationship by using tinder or meeting at a bar. She responded appropriately, and he did as well and I’d bet it all ends here.
My point is that people (and let's be honest we're talking mostly about women here) deserve to be able to go through their day without being hit on constantly. Especially by coworkers.
It is not - or at least it should not be - human nature to use "Hey sexy" on someone you think you might want to date and especially in an office setting. A bar - sure. Tinder - sure. Work - nope.
But look - I get it. I work in a profession that heavily female dominated. I'm around them all day long. I met my wife at work.
When I thought she was interested and that I wanted to find out I didn't say "Hey sexy - ....". I invited her to the coffee cart for a cup of coffee and some conversation. And then progressed from there.
If someone besides me says that to my fiancé / wife (especially AFTER I had mentioned being engaged / married) I'd be super-upset and, I think, rightfully so. Them's fighting words where I am from.
I have a coworker that I say that and more to, however we've been married to each other for over 20years. Other than that single incident. The only thing I have ever said to someone was compliments on haircuts etc. and that was usually on the lines of 'you've changed your hair, it looks great'.
This is the correct answer. People need to stop being infants and become adults.
Some folks come from environments/cultures/upbringing/etc where comments like "Hey Sexy" are normal. Especially when younger, they do not necessarily understand the inappropriateness of such a comment in today's workforce.
It's also a matter of degree and what is said. "Hey Sexy" could be considered playful banter from someone who is overly friendly. I can't count the number of times a woman has said "sweetie" or "darling" when talking to me (e.g. "here you go sweetie" or "thank you darling"). It doesn't bother me, I know its them just being friendly in their own way. Those types of comments are a lot different than something explicitly sexual (e.g. "you know, I'd love to bang you like a storm door in a hurricane", or worse).
The OP telling the guy "I don't like X, please don't do it again" sets the appropriate boundary, and is the response I would expect from a normal, rational adult woman. If he is unwilling to respect her boundaries, then its perfectly reasonable for her to get HR involved. OP should, of course, save the messages though to create the necessarily audit trail to show HR should that become necessary.
I had a coworker call me hot a few years ago. I laughed. I'm late 40s, and he's a young gay man. Context matters. He also didn't do it in a room of people. We were alone in his office.
If I had sometime text me something inappropriate, I'd make it clear that I'm married and not interested and if they keep it up, they're getting reported.
LMAO I gotta stop you right there. PLEASE do NOT equate "sweetie" or "darling" to "sexy". I'm from the south and as a former waitress, everyone, you, your wife, your kids, your grandma, was "sweetie" or "darling" or "hon" ETC. Not once was I even remotely flirting not even a drop. Its southern linguistics dear. (oh gosh! I called him Dear he might think I'm coming on to him). Mega eyeroll. lmao. sorry but I had to point that out. Literally guarantee you they were not flirting but just giving customer service because they serve and meet WAY too many people to memorize your name. :)
Agree 100%. I’m in the mid-south and hear dear, hon, darling quite a bit. I’m a middle aged guy, well early 60’s and use Ma’am or Sir on occasion. I don’t call women I don’t know honey or darling. I might call a young, young girl honey but I would need to think her parent or guardian would be okay with it. It’s just the time we live in I suppose.
Disagree on this point. All these comments are the equal in potentially making someone uncomfortable and being unwelcome to the point of responding as such. Context, culture and intent carry very little weight in this scenario, the common denominator is the impact upon the recipient.
The only “infant” in this scenario is someone who has spent more than five minutes in the professional world and thinks addressing a coworker like that is in any way appropriate. And it really should not be up to her to have to “set boundaries” for him. She’s not his mother.
She isn't setting boundaries for him, she's doing that for herself. Boundaries are n9t for policing pther people's behaviour, that's not under our control. We set boundaries to protect ourselves.
Of course not, but from an HR perspective, the person making the advances still needs to be informed that it’s unwanted behavior. Until now OP has simply past the comments and not acknowledged them, hoping he would get the clue. He hasn’t and so now she has told him and no uncertain terms that he needs to stop. From an HR perspective, this is the appropriate step, and going to HR prior to taking it, will simply result in them saying that OP needs to tell him to stop.
But keep screenshots of the current interaction, so if she goes to HR because he does something again, she can say that she'd asked him to stop and he said he would.
Why the fuck wouldn’t you report a sexual advance from a coworker, he probably has her address for fuck sales, don’t ever let this shit slide ladies, train these men to behave professionally.
Because making a sexual advance isn't sexual harassment in and of itself (unless particularly crude/aggresive), provided the rejection of said advance is respected. At least based on the two hour sexual harassment for managers course I have to take every year.
Keep the text along with the response shutting it down. If he keeps at it, *then* you report the harassment.
I really don’t like the notion that every guy gets one “free” shot to make what is objectively a wildly inappropriate pass at his coworker. It should not be part of anyone’s job description to fend off sexual advances.
Crude ; offensively coarse or explicit, especially in relation to sexual matters.
Given their relationship and the context, his attempt at sexual flattery was not only inappropriate but crude because they do not have a relationship outside of work.
I would not report at this point. He seemed to take the fact that it made you uncomfortable seriously. If anything else happens you already have a paper trail in your text history showing that you clearly shut down any inkling of an advance.
First rule of interpersonal comflict at work, unless it's a grievous act, talk to the offensive party first.
Well, he obviously misread the situation. But apologized.
Don't go to HR with this, it would be an over reaction.
She's not married yet. Dude is just putting his hook in the water, the fish wasn't biting so he took it out. It's not a big deal unless he continues to behave this way after being told to stop.
Family and friends aren't always the best at offering workplace advice because they're biased. They want what's best for you on a personal level but that isn't always best for you on career level. Similarly, people on social media may offer advice based on emotions or their values or worldview.
But the bottom line is, you have to live with the consequences of the choices you make. Your loved ones can't advocate for you in the workplace or protect you there.
Do you have the texts? If something happened in the future, you'd still have that proof, right?
If the behavior continued **or** the person treated you negatively following your rebut, that would be something I'd take straight to HR with no hesitation.
With this one incident, I'd weigh the hassle factor of dealing with HR against the benefits of reporting him because he may behave this way toward others in the workplace and needs to stop. 
Basically, do you feel like this is your battle to fight (or that you want to fight)?
Your fiance loves you, but he's never been a woman in the workplace. So he probably can't imagine just how tricky it can be to advocate for yourself.
While it absolutely never should have happened in the first place, saying "Noted and redacted" seems fair enough for now. Id let that be the last chance, then go to HR if needed.
It very well could be, he knows what he did was wrong, but he didn't intend on it being wrong, he misjudged the situation. He probably doesn't want to make this bigger deal then what it is so he felt by simply acknowledging her voice and accepting it that they can move past this.
And I think they can.
Right now is to soon to go too HR. Just make sure that it's documented. If he does it again, document it and go to your Manager. If you don't trust your Manager and or nothing has been done to said employee, then go to HR. Just remember you have certain levels of reporting, and you don't want your Manager to be blind sided by this.
You replied back to them not to call you that and they responded saying they would not. Issue is hopefully resolved, if it happens again either be more forceful about it or report them to HR whichever option you're more comfortable with doing.
From an HR standpoint, if this was brought to my attention, I would speak to the offender and reiterate our policies on harassment, but it wouldn’t go much further based on the content and the fact that he apologized. If the behavior continues, they would be termed. Just keep screen shots of the interaction in case it happens again. I don’t think it requires HR at this point.
This is 💯 how most sales people are no matter your sex. Overly friendly is a standard sales personality.
You’ve said your peace, I’d bet he chills out, wouldn’t go to HR at this point.
I work in sales, we actually have a seperate HR division for our sales team. Like literally our HR is two sides
Everything besides sales is one side, and then we have sales HR.
And its because of how sales people act/their personality etc/ you can't always apply the same blanket rules. I have said shit that has closed deals that would get non-sales people to perk up.
You have trail with text screenshot. You gave warning. If hevdoes again then report. Typically certain people need to be told whats inappropriate unfortunately. You advised coworker. Now lets see if he listens to your concerns.
The guy was out of line in saying what he did. He obviously didn’t think it would cause offence. However, OP has told him to stop so let it go. If he does it again fine but why are there so many people on forums like this wanting everyone sacked or sued over every little thing? 🙄
How do you know he didn’t mean to cause offense? Because a lot of guys who behave this way know exactly what they are doing. They push and push, becoming a little more offensive with each comment, to see how much they can get away with.
I don’t know he if he did or didn’t mean to cause offence. I’m just assuming he didn’t based on his response to OP. However, he hasn’t pushed and pushed. He did it once and then said he wouldn’t do it again after OP called him out 🤷🏻♂️
OP said he has been “flirty” in the past. So this was an escalation.
I honestly just don’t get why this is so hard for people. Just don’t hit on coworkers.
That your two situations are not analogous. I said “don’t hit on coworkers.” You said you met your wife at work, but you also did not hit on her. That leads me to assume that you did not do inappropriate, boneheaded things like send her random texts saying “Hey, sexy.”
It is not hard to know when you are crossing a line. You clearly know this. I think most people also know this. So it’s just a little disingenuous for everyone to be jumping into defend this guy like he didn’t know it was inappropriate. Of course he knew.
Document every inappropriate encounter. It's not uncommon for people to say inappropriate things without intention. The thing that companies look for is a pattern of inappropriate behavior. The exception is if the offending party escalates to the point of excessive behavior. If this is a one and done, document it and keep moving.
I would wait to go to HR until next time he tries it. Because you know he will. So for now, just save your evidence. In fact, I would email him from your work email, bcc yourself at your personal email, and tell him in no uncertain terms that you do not wish for him to speak to you about anything except work related issues. Tell he shouldn’t flirt with you or call you anything other than your name. And let him know that if he persist in this behavior that you will inform HR as well as your team’s leadership.
Going to HR this time will simply result in them saying, “well you told him and he should stop. Let us know if he doesn’t stop.”
Also, do not respond to his texts at all unless they are work related.
Screenshot the text and your reply and forward to HR. That language in a workplace is unacceptable. Using it freely with no repercussions only allows him license to do it again.
You have a lot of post history about your fiancé cheating on you and you feeling inadequate and unattractive. I don’t understand why you would let this guy make decisions for you. This is kind of a non-issue. Are you sure you’re not using this to one up your fiancé?
I think your action is appropriate. It appears he was trying to be flippant and didn't understand where the boundary lay. You firmly showed him where it lay, and he apologized.
So if it happens in the future, of course you should report it. You also might say that it happened before and recount how you handled it. If he denies the previous encounter, that might fall into the category of he said/she said. But it won't change the facts that you charge in the recurrent situation.
I also work in a male dominated job and that comment didn't phase me at all. That's not saying I'm conditioned to hearing it or I accept inappropriate talk, but it honestly wouldn't bother me. If I heard this in person I would prob laugh out call him Princess because I thought it was lame. You have different opinions on it. Which is absolutely fine. He crossed a line, you warned him, he apologized. That's the perfect example of conflict resolution.
Now.... If he continues, different story (because then he isn't listening to your boundaries). If he said something much more upfront or sexual, different story.
For now I would suggest to be optimistic that he truely learned to stay in his lane and nothing else will come of it. But also don't be surprised if he's more distant after being corrected.
He seems to learn his lesson. I wouldn't report this if you really did not felt uncomfortable - remember that this would ruin his career and mosty for sure would not help in yours.
Keep this situation on mind - check if it happens again - if yes - report both.
Right now at least he should watch his language
Because we don't have full context of the messages, it's hard to understand how severe they are, but, assuming the hey sexy text was the "worst", you have set a clear boundary that is so far being respected. If my understanding is wrong and there is worse behavior, then please ignore my advice.
I would do the following:
- Take screenshots
- Email said screenshota to self to create an easy to find time stamp. In and of itself, this establishes a documented paper trail.
I would hold off on reporting unless one of two things happen:
1. Any further behavior occurs from this individual.
2. Other problematic behavior happens (I. E. There is a culture of inappropriateness).
He tried, you denied, he accepted. It's done unless he does it again and THEN you should report it. Fiancée is insecure and should stay out of it as is.
She had already denied. He ignored and escalated his inappropriate behavior.
And, frankly, that is not something anyone should have to deal with at work. why is it so difficult for people to understand that you don’t hit on coworkers?
You told him what behavior made you uncomfortable he apologized and retracted it. Obviously if he continued then you should forward that information on. But it seems like you're jumping the gun wanting to report him before you even have a chance to see if he has changed his behavior. Keep the information saved and observe future behavior. That might just be the way he talks to people he thinks are attractive. Not saying it's right just saying that's probably how he is.
He acknowledged. Keep notes about the interaction and watch his behaviour. If he changes it’s a new people getting to know each other and their boundaries. Go to HR only if he fails to change his behaviour.
You can report him for this but that’s not really something that’s going to rise to the level of sexual harassment at least not in most HR departments. your reaction and his statement seems enough for now
Tell him to stop. If he does it again you’ll have to get higher up involved. “I don’t mind being work colleagues, but not interested in anything beyond that “
Noted and redacted is as good a response as any wine could expect to get. If he does it one more time, go for it. It was a text so you already have the start of the paper trail you need. No need to be a Karen
“Noted and redacted” is appropriately non-defensive, but it could also be read as a calculated non-apology. He’s unlikely to be that blunt again, but keep an eye out: after a few weeks on his best behavior, he may try a more subtle “long game” to become overly familiar.
I agree this doesn’t yet require HR involvement, but keep screenshots of everything: not just the most recent “hey sexy / do not” exchange, but all of his earlier flirtatious texts and your obvious “wedding, wedding, wedding” efforts to shut him down.
I think you handled that well with absolutely the right response. If he does it again then you are justified in going to HR. You are your own person at work, your fiancé is right to support you but you have to be the one who decides what is right, not them.
Three stages to an HR issue.
1. Can you work it out yourselves.
2. Company policy is.
3. I will pass this on to your manager.
Basically I would tell him to knock it off.
I referred to a VP as “babe” one time by accident and we stopped at 1.
You can always go to 2. But there is no working backwards.
I'm an HR Manager and have been working in the industry for years. Most of the time when you report to HR, they'll need to get both sides of the story. We have a job to do, and documentation and paper trail is key. We shouldn't take only one side to a story, although at times I will make this exception as a courtesy (although most don't). I personally would advise not to go to HR unless he flirts with you further or makes any further advances.
Going to HR could potentially ruin teamwork and further interactions. Although not appropriate of him, people will make advances at work. For something to be labeled as harassment (whether sexual in nature or not) it needs to be pervasive (happening more than once) or invasive/serious enough to not be taken lightly. This, although inappropriate, would not be harassment as he apologized and seems to have corrected the issue promptly. You handled this textbook style.
Have your Fiance Text him and tell him he now has his contact info and will decide in the future to involve HR or find" Other Methods" of dealing with it !'
I like that you addressed it with him. I’m in HR and I would want to know. It’s possible he has done this previously to someone else and you aren’t aware. This could be a second event and he should be termed or given a warning at least.
Keep copies. Don’t say anything yet. If he crosses the line again, go to your HRM. If they ask why you didn’t report sooner, explain you thought you handled it because he seemed to understand he was inappropriate.
There’s nothing you should feel badly about here. I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself and placing appropriate boundaries.
Always keep receipts, including every performance review or 1:1 about performance to detail a history of your work ethic, if they fire you after reporting and you can prove it was related, you could probably sue them.
The reason you don’t report it on the first try is a simple explanation of I told him I was not comfortable with it, and I gave him the opportunity to stop the behaviour before it got out of hand, and I had to go to HR. Not really too difficult.
He shot his shot "even tho a fucking stupid attempt, your remote, you talk about your wedding, like wtf is up with this guy" and you turned him down in the correct manner. If he attempts it again then light his ass up.
I have reported incidents to HR and in my personal experience HR covers the company’s ass not yours. When I gave a 2 wk notice at said job they told me to leave immediately, which I said no thank you, I have planned on the pay for the next two weeks I’ll stay. I was told,” we will pay you for the 2 wks, go enjoy some time with your family.” When I asked why I was told,” well you did report your manager to HR!”😉
The problem I see here with everyone telling you not to go to HR yet, is that you said you have talked about your fiancé and wedding plans when you thought he might be flirting before, and that didn’t deter him.
I would bet money that this guy won’t behave for long and he will do something else.
Extremely inappropriate. Yes, I would report it. People who send messages like this do not just send them to one person and he is likely sending them to all your female co-workers.
What if he does this to others within your company and they don't have the strength to tell him to stop or a supportive fiancé to help?
Everyone is saying don't report to HR, but as a business owner myself, I'd be a bit annoyed to find out one of my employees is calling another employee sexy while she clearly has a fiance.
It all depends on the business you're employed at, because some of us dislike that crap in the workplace.
He never should have even started with that, but it's entirely up to you what you wanna do in this situation.
People here seem surprisingly okay with this… Who tf talks like that to a relatively new coworker, especially knowing they are engaged (but even if not)? He’s just gonna go bother someone else and eventually it’ll probably work on someone, being a jerk who crosses boundaries will end up getting rewarded and reinforced.
Maybe it’s different industries, and I do completely understand not escalating if it ends there, that’s a totally reasonable path to prioritize your career and just moving forward, but that would not fly in my area and people seem way too chill with his response essentially being good enough. (I’m not in HR, this just came up in my feed)
Document and report. He could be doing it to other people.It’s not your job to wait until it gets worse or “bad enough”. He knows full well what he is doing is wrong.
Don’t report, legally he hasn’t done anything wrong yet. You have stated it makes you uncomfortable and asked him to stop which is what you are required to do. Keep a record of this interaction and if he does it again then you can report to HR. You did the right thing, no need to report yet.
What’s wrong with people. He did something you thought was uncomfortable. Tell him that. If it persists tell him you’re going to take it to HR. It’s not kindergarten.
Screenshot, keep a written note about the event (even though your screenshot has time and date).
Sounds like he did the right thing (I'm an optimist), but in case he does continue, you have the proof you need to go to HR (I'm also a cynic).
Did this even happen while at work or on the clock? How did he get your number? These things also matter for HR to have much involvement. They deal with things in the workplace or on the clock depending on what you do. If he got your number from work rather than from you it could be a big issue and of course if he makes any advances while on the clock or company work place and property.
I’m in your field and a female and can tell you that while I 100% think you should report it, it is likely you’ll be retaliated against and even more likely if you’re a 1099 rep that they’ll find a way to let you go if the male is a higher producer than you.
There is a man that I know of in the industry that literally yelled at a woman and told her women shouldn’t be in sales on a recording…. And she still ended up being the one to leave that offer.
Long story short report it but start looking for another role
I'd ignore everyone here saying not to report it. I would report it so it's on file. If he's doing it to multiple women it will show a pattern of behaviour and maybe they can stop something worse from happening. You don't have to complain or make a big deal, but reporting it would be wise. Save someone else the grief. Possibly other women who are uncomfortable and have trouble standing up for themselves.
I would 100% report him because if he is doing this to you he is going to keep doing it to other people. Opening a conversation with anyone you work with "hey sexy" is not a grey area it is cut and dry. You don't owe this jackass anything
I guarantee you he’s done. You finally checked him and he responded appropriately. I wouldn’t make it any messier than that bc what he did on the sexism scale wasn’t that egregious. I get your Fiance being pissed, but I wouldn’t set the precedent of letting him tell you what to do either. If you feel truly violated, then report it. Otherwise, you might be opening a can of worms you can’t close.
This is inappropriate but I don't think would constitute harassment in any seriously actionable way given it being a one-time event that was immediately acknowledged and retracted upon direct feedback.
If you did report it, HR would probably conclude they have to investigate by talking to you both, it would be super perfunctory ("Sorry I have to have this conversation with you but did you send this text?" etc.), and they would end up giving him a warning or talking to and that's it. Possibly the would require he do an online anti-sexual harassment course, that sort of thing. It's unlikely they'd fire him, so it would end up being just an embarrassing incident for him and bringing attention to you in a way that, while appropriate in the sense you're perfectly within your rights to report it, isn't necessarily doing any good for you career wise.
He responded professionally; I would leave it at that assuming it never happens again.
I would take a very different line if there's a sense he's bothering other folks or actually there's some kind of quid pro quo demands or exploitation of others going on.
My wife works in HR, one of her male colleagues said something similar to her. She told him that it made her uncomfortable and to back off. He did and never targeted her again. He got reported by someone else he harassed about 6 months later, and now my wife has changed her opinion to one of zero tolerance. She realized her lack of reaction made him feel like he could get away with it. And eventually someone would take the bait. So now she's plagued by the thought of, how many other women did he target before someone stood up.
I would consider letting HR know with screenshots, but with this verbiage: "I'm reporting something that happened, and has been handled to my satisfaction. I am not asking for any action on the company's part. I am reporting so this is documented with the company in case other women have similar experiences. Please note that I did clearly ask him to stop and he has not repeated the behavior."
No real excuse for texting you that when you’ve made it abundantly clear you have fiancé as well as no reason to use that word other than being sexually forward. Can’t really chalk this up to a mistake either but do you.
Report it. This person may have a pattern of behavior. My workplace doesn't tolerate even one instance of it. Also, why does your remote coworker have your personal phone number? My manager hasn't even asked for mine. We use Teams. Which the organization monitors.
I’m with your fiance just report it and tell them you just want them to know you can tell them you talked to him and hopefully he doesn’t do anything again
Like others have said. I’d give him the “benefit of the doubt” as just being dumbass. Maybe that’s the reality check he needed. Since it’s remote too, at least you’re not encountering him on a regular basis. If he keeps going tho, definitely go to hr.
Hey I work in sales, so I get it. First off I think you handled the situation correctly. Secondly I think your co-worker got the message that this isn't OK. This also feels like the first time.
I would tell your finance you handled it, you told him it isn't OK, and if he doe sit again you will escalate it.
Sales people say stupid shit sometimes.
I honestly think you should start a paper trail with HR, regardless of how close you’re with him. Trust me in 99% cases whoever complains or starts a legal HR process first, wins.
Everyone saying "no, too soon, don't do it"
Ummmmm he thought it was okay yo send 'Sexy' to a WORK ACQUAINTANCE. THAT'S NOT EVER OK, EVER. If he sent that to an outside vendor/contractor it would be reported immediately.
Y'all are some self proclaimed incels saying **not** to go to HR on this. No "wait to see if it happens again". Report with the screenshot showing uou saying inappropriate and him confirming it. You have proof of **you** setting a boundary in his file immediately, so his second infraction will be taken seriously.
REPORT THIS DO NOT WAIT FOR HIM TO DO SIMILAR OR WORSE.
That is an egregious crossing of the line. Gross. You did an excellent job of handling it yourself, but because it is such an incredibly bold move from him, I suggest you also report it to your manager, explain your response back to the coworker and that you feel it's handled for now, but that given how incredibly unprofessional it is, you want to make him/her aware right away and that any future incidents will be shared with him/her and HR.
I highly suspect that there will be a similar incident in your future. Not as obvious, but still flirty and inappropriate, and you'll wish then for more swift action to be taken against him. Having your manager already in the loop will set you up for that.
Based on my experience, folks this bold often have similar complaints from multiple people and/or become retaliatory. If he's not already doing it to others, I bet he'll start now that he knows for sure that you're not receptive, and this behavior has no place in the workplace.
All that matters is how you feel. If it makes you uncomfortable, tell your manager. If you work at a good company like I do, they’ll be let go without anything else needed from you.
That statement was to comfort them because they were on the fence about how the interactions made them feel.
However, I’ve worked in corporate for 18 years. I know how “things work”, and if something like this is reported, it’s a fireable offense.
Some people use sexy for beautiful. I had a female friend from church, call my three year old son sexy. I had to explain it to her and she never said it again.
Keep copies of the interaction. Don't report unless further problems. You handled it textbook correctly.
This. HR will ask if you asked him to stop, and you have. No need to go to HR just yet.
I’m in Hr and this exactly what would happen.
Agree 100% - harassment is unwanted comments/attention. OP has expressed its unwanted, person texting agreed to stop. Assuming that’s the end of it nothing needs to be done.
And "noted and redacted" is a perfectly appropriate, professional response.
I agree sounds like he received the message loud and clear. He will move on and find someone else to annoy is my guess. Guys like this are just looking for an ez opportunity they don’t get bogged down in things like love. They are classic perverts and they have thick skins. He is just hoping and praying you don’t go to HR my guess is he will apologize at some point.
I would not go as far as to say they are “perverts.” This is flirting. Many people meet and get married in the workplace. He took a shot with someone who is not his subordinate. They said stop. He said ok. This is not outside the bounds normal human behavior that get this person labeled a “pervert.” Or that you know this person “doesn’t get bogged down by love.” You have like one paragraph of information and are making pretty intense conclusions. If you are truly in HR you should probably check your own biases.
Flirting with an engaged woman who has repeatedly talked about her fiance and wedding planning to him. Dude can't take a hint and is entering pervert area. It'd be different if she was single.
So long as it's heeded
While true, doesn’t really negate the wildly inappropriate initial message.
True this - you are so right. Ultimately, it's up to OP as to how to proceed since she has all the info on the situation.
This is like a sexual harassment fable. Man acts inappropriately, woman promptly stands up for herself, man promptly backs off, and the internet offers level headed feedback instead wanting to kill him. Kind of heartwarming. Maybe we can live in a society after all. OP I do hope it ends right there. If someone said that to my fiance I'd feel the same as yours. But it's not his call, just like it's not mine.
Or maybe the guy could just not act inappropriately in the first place.
That really should've been it, having previously talked about fiancé and not encouraged this
Talking about a bf/fiance/husband/wife is different than saying the commentary is unwelcome. Her last response to him should have been her first response.
He should be able to take a hint.
Informing someone that they have a bf/fiancee could be taken as a hint to keep it on the DL... many people cannot or do not recognize hints and/or subtle social cues... I have several coworkers like this... they legit don't recognize subtle hints, and even outright direct conversation, especially if previous interactions have been happy, light, and flirty without direct explicit stern direction that the behavior/conversation is unwelcome.
Yes, because she mad it clear she was basically another man’s property. /s Or just don’t be inappropriate in general?
Another man’s PROPERTY?!
Peoples mindset and How they interpret things is SO WEIRD on Twitter. 🤣
I mean it’s not Twitter world though. Have you ever told a man you’re just not interested? He’ll still try. Tell him you have a boyfriend or husband though and he’ll back off.
Yea that’s how they view it. They back down if you days you have boyfriend or husband because now you belong to another man. If you’re just telling them to fuck off in general, they don’t listen.
This is why sexual harassment is such a hard topic in the workplace. Some people might not find that inappropriate, some people may. Some people say that all that time casually, some people don't. Hard for anyone to define every exact thing that is "inappropriate". The way OP handled it and the guy handled it was professional and receptive.
Text book would have been reporting it as well to everything they already did. You're not the only person he speaks to that way and a younger employee may not have the guts you did to tell him to stop. That's why you need to report him, to protect other women
You’re making a lot of assumptions which may or may not be true. OP asked him to stop and he agreed to. Assuming that’s the case then maybe he’s learned not to send these kind of texts.
I wouldn't go to HR over this. You told him clearly that it wasn't ok so if he does it again then I'd escalate it.
Our HR training basically suggested exactly what you did- make it clear that the behavior is wrong and needs to stop. Then if it happens again go to HR.
Just keep those records for proof
This is an odd grey area. Harassment is unwanted things. But the offender needs to know it is unwanted. I had three folks on my team about 10 years ago that were lots of drama on this kind of thing an that is what HR said at the very beginning. By the end, I had to term two of them.
Small clarification - unwanted advances need to be known they are unwanted to be considered harassment. Other forms of harassment such as lewd or derogatory jokes, inappropriate touching, quid pro quo, etc do not require a notice that it is unwanted.
Gotcha. Thank you!
Sorry for my ignorance but could you clarify the quid pro quo part please?
Quid pro quo is Latin and means "this for that." In legal terms it applies when something is exchanged for something else in a coercive way. Obvious examples being things like have sex with me if you want a raise or promotion type exchanges. In terms of sexual harassment it's where one person uses the threat of adverse employment action or the promise of positive employment action in exchange for something sexual in nature. It can also apply after the fact as in "if you don't tell anyone I assaulted you, I'll give you a promotion" or the inverse, "if you tell anyone I assaulted you, I'll fire you and black ball you." Quid pro quo is one of the worst forms of sexual harassment because it usually involves sexual assault in some form. See Harvey Weinstein or Clarence Thomas.
He knew what he was doing. I (male) have been working for decades now. Do you know one word I have never ever said / texted when talking to my coworker? Sexy. There is no reason to use that word. Ever. If one of my reports brought this to me I ‘d give the person who used it (male or female) a serious talking to.
Yes, what’s your point though? he was trying to start a relationship. It’s human nature and not everyone starts a relationship by using tinder or meeting at a bar. She responded appropriately, and he did as well and I’d bet it all ends here.
My point is that people (and let's be honest we're talking mostly about women here) deserve to be able to go through their day without being hit on constantly. Especially by coworkers. It is not - or at least it should not be - human nature to use "Hey sexy" on someone you think you might want to date and especially in an office setting. A bar - sure. Tinder - sure. Work - nope. But look - I get it. I work in a profession that heavily female dominated. I'm around them all day long. I met my wife at work. When I thought she was interested and that I wanted to find out I didn't say "Hey sexy - ....". I invited her to the coffee cart for a cup of coffee and some conversation. And then progressed from there. If someone besides me says that to my fiancé / wife (especially AFTER I had mentioned being engaged / married) I'd be super-upset and, I think, rightfully so. Them's fighting words where I am from.
Dude...I agree with you completely. Like > 100%. I was a little confused by the actions taken/not taken.
I have a coworker that I say that and more to, however we've been married to each other for over 20years. Other than that single incident. The only thing I have ever said to someone was compliments on haircuts etc. and that was usually on the lines of 'you've changed your hair, it looks great'.
You've been sexually harassing your coworker for over 20 years?? The horror!!! (Obviously sarcastic, congrats on being happily married for so long)
This is the correct answer. People need to stop being infants and become adults. Some folks come from environments/cultures/upbringing/etc where comments like "Hey Sexy" are normal. Especially when younger, they do not necessarily understand the inappropriateness of such a comment in today's workforce. It's also a matter of degree and what is said. "Hey Sexy" could be considered playful banter from someone who is overly friendly. I can't count the number of times a woman has said "sweetie" or "darling" when talking to me (e.g. "here you go sweetie" or "thank you darling"). It doesn't bother me, I know its them just being friendly in their own way. Those types of comments are a lot different than something explicitly sexual (e.g. "you know, I'd love to bang you like a storm door in a hurricane", or worse). The OP telling the guy "I don't like X, please don't do it again" sets the appropriate boundary, and is the response I would expect from a normal, rational adult woman. If he is unwilling to respect her boundaries, then its perfectly reasonable for her to get HR involved. OP should, of course, save the messages though to create the necessarily audit trail to show HR should that become necessary.
I had a coworker call me hot a few years ago. I laughed. I'm late 40s, and he's a young gay man. Context matters. He also didn't do it in a room of people. We were alone in his office. If I had sometime text me something inappropriate, I'd make it clear that I'm married and not interested and if they keep it up, they're getting reported.
Right. The proper way to do things. Kudos!
Lol. They are always gay.
LMAO I gotta stop you right there. PLEASE do NOT equate "sweetie" or "darling" to "sexy". I'm from the south and as a former waitress, everyone, you, your wife, your kids, your grandma, was "sweetie" or "darling" or "hon" ETC. Not once was I even remotely flirting not even a drop. Its southern linguistics dear. (oh gosh! I called him Dear he might think I'm coming on to him). Mega eyeroll. lmao. sorry but I had to point that out. Literally guarantee you they were not flirting but just giving customer service because they serve and meet WAY too many people to memorize your name. :)
This. I was reading the comment and couldn’t believe sweetie and sexy were being compared as an equal.
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Agree 100%. I’m in the mid-south and hear dear, hon, darling quite a bit. I’m a middle aged guy, well early 60’s and use Ma’am or Sir on occasion. I don’t call women I don’t know honey or darling. I might call a young, young girl honey but I would need to think her parent or guardian would be okay with it. It’s just the time we live in I suppose.
Disagree on this point. All these comments are the equal in potentially making someone uncomfortable and being unwelcome to the point of responding as such. Context, culture and intent carry very little weight in this scenario, the common denominator is the impact upon the recipient.
People have come to believe that they have the right to never feel discomfort.
Mostly good advice totally undermined by the suggestion that people are “being infants”. What the hell?
The only “infant” in this scenario is someone who has spent more than five minutes in the professional world and thinks addressing a coworker like that is in any way appropriate. And it really should not be up to her to have to “set boundaries” for him. She’s not his mother.
She isn't setting boundaries for him, she's doing that for herself. Boundaries are n9t for policing pther people's behaviour, that's not under our control. We set boundaries to protect ourselves.
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So, when I go to the coffee shop this morning, and the server calls me sweetie or darlin', I'm really sweet or her darling?
"normal" doesn't mean acceptable
Of course not, but from an HR perspective, the person making the advances still needs to be informed that it’s unwanted behavior. Until now OP has simply past the comments and not acknowledged them, hoping he would get the clue. He hasn’t and so now she has told him and no uncertain terms that he needs to stop. From an HR perspective, this is the appropriate step, and going to HR prior to taking it, will simply result in them saying that OP needs to tell him to stop.
You clearly missed the "inappropriateness of such a comment in today's workforce" statement in my post.
But keep screenshots of the current interaction, so if she goes to HR because he does something again, she can say that she'd asked him to stop and he said he would.
Why the fuck wouldn’t you report a sexual advance from a coworker, he probably has her address for fuck sales, don’t ever let this shit slide ladies, train these men to behave professionally.
Because making a sexual advance isn't sexual harassment in and of itself (unless particularly crude/aggresive), provided the rejection of said advance is respected. At least based on the two hour sexual harassment for managers course I have to take every year. Keep the text along with the response shutting it down. If he keeps at it, *then* you report the harassment.
I really don’t like the notion that every guy gets one “free” shot to make what is objectively a wildly inappropriate pass at his coworker. It should not be part of anyone’s job description to fend off sexual advances.
Texting a co worker Hey Sexy isn’t crude ?? That is actually the definition of crude
It's certainly forward, but hardly crude.
Crude ; offensively coarse or explicit, especially in relation to sexual matters. Given their relationship and the context, his attempt at sexual flattery was not only inappropriate but crude because they do not have a relationship outside of work.
I would not report at this point. He seemed to take the fact that it made you uncomfortable seriously. If anything else happens you already have a paper trail in your text history showing that you clearly shut down any inkling of an advance.
I would wait and see if it's done again, then I would report it
First rule of interpersonal comflict at work, unless it's a grievous act, talk to the offensive party first. Well, he obviously misread the situation. But apologized. Don't go to HR with this, it would be an over reaction.
She told him she was engaged and talked about her wedding. What did he misread??
Then he's an idiot. But even idiots get a one off warning.
She's not married yet. Dude is just putting his hook in the water, the fish wasn't biting so he took it out. It's not a big deal unless he continues to behave this way after being told to stop.
No. But keep a paper trail and if it happens again, then report it.
Family and friends aren't always the best at offering workplace advice because they're biased. They want what's best for you on a personal level but that isn't always best for you on career level. Similarly, people on social media may offer advice based on emotions or their values or worldview. But the bottom line is, you have to live with the consequences of the choices you make. Your loved ones can't advocate for you in the workplace or protect you there. Do you have the texts? If something happened in the future, you'd still have that proof, right? If the behavior continued **or** the person treated you negatively following your rebut, that would be something I'd take straight to HR with no hesitation. With this one incident, I'd weigh the hassle factor of dealing with HR against the benefits of reporting him because he may behave this way toward others in the workplace and needs to stop.  Basically, do you feel like this is your battle to fight (or that you want to fight)? Your fiance loves you, but he's never been a woman in the workplace. So he probably can't imagine just how tricky it can be to advocate for yourself.
While it absolutely never should have happened in the first place, saying "Noted and redacted" seems fair enough for now. Id let that be the last chance, then go to HR if needed.
I personally think he should have thrown a “sorry” in there too. He didn’t apologise, but maybe that was strategic on his part.
It very well could be, he knows what he did was wrong, but he didn't intend on it being wrong, he misjudged the situation. He probably doesn't want to make this bigger deal then what it is so he felt by simply acknowledging her voice and accepting it that they can move past this. And I think they can.
Right now is to soon to go too HR. Just make sure that it's documented. If he does it again, document it and go to your Manager. If you don't trust your Manager and or nothing has been done to said employee, then go to HR. Just remember you have certain levels of reporting, and you don't want your Manager to be blind sided by this.
You are correct, only bring it up if he tries something else. You told him, he acknowledged. It should be resolved.
You replied back to them not to call you that and they responded saying they would not. Issue is hopefully resolved, if it happens again either be more forceful about it or report them to HR whichever option you're more comfortable with doing.
From an HR standpoint, if this was brought to my attention, I would speak to the offender and reiterate our policies on harassment, but it wouldn’t go much further based on the content and the fact that he apologized. If the behavior continues, they would be termed. Just keep screen shots of the interaction in case it happens again. I don’t think it requires HR at this point.
Would you having spoken with the person once already make it more justifiable to terminate if it happened again?
You can’t threaten someone. But also I worked in California where it is an “at will “ state which means the employee doesn’t need warnings.
From an HR standpoint, are you not interested in documenting in case this is an issue he has with multiple women?
This is 💯 how most sales people are no matter your sex. Overly friendly is a standard sales personality. You’ve said your peace, I’d bet he chills out, wouldn’t go to HR at this point.
I work in sales, we actually have a seperate HR division for our sales team. Like literally our HR is two sides Everything besides sales is one side, and then we have sales HR. And its because of how sales people act/their personality etc/ you can't always apply the same blanket rules. I have said shit that has closed deals that would get non-sales people to perk up.
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Correct and if they don’t stop, harassment is a massive liability. Nobody at work is your friend.
How is that relevant at all? Do you think anyone is confused on that point?
You have trail with text screenshot. You gave warning. If hevdoes again then report. Typically certain people need to be told whats inappropriate unfortunately. You advised coworker. Now lets see if he listens to your concerns.
If he does it again, You have a record. I would not escalate yet.
“Noted and screenshot of ‘redacted’ text. I trust future communications will be professional and workplace-appropriate.”
The guy was out of line in saying what he did. He obviously didn’t think it would cause offence. However, OP has told him to stop so let it go. If he does it again fine but why are there so many people on forums like this wanting everyone sacked or sued over every little thing? 🙄
How do you know he didn’t mean to cause offense? Because a lot of guys who behave this way know exactly what they are doing. They push and push, becoming a little more offensive with each comment, to see how much they can get away with.
I don’t know he if he did or didn’t mean to cause offence. I’m just assuming he didn’t based on his response to OP. However, he hasn’t pushed and pushed. He did it once and then said he wouldn’t do it again after OP called him out 🤷🏻♂️
OP said he has been “flirty” in the past. So this was an escalation. I honestly just don’t get why this is so hard for people. Just don’t hit on coworkers.
Why not? I met my wife at work
Did you also hit on her even after she openly discussed her boyfriend and wedding plans?
Who says I hit on her?
Exactly. That’s my point.
What is your point?
That your two situations are not analogous. I said “don’t hit on coworkers.” You said you met your wife at work, but you also did not hit on her. That leads me to assume that you did not do inappropriate, boneheaded things like send her random texts saying “Hey, sexy.” It is not hard to know when you are crossing a line. You clearly know this. I think most people also know this. So it’s just a little disingenuous for everyone to be jumping into defend this guy like he didn’t know it was inappropriate. Of course he knew.
Document every inappropriate encounter. It's not uncommon for people to say inappropriate things without intention. The thing that companies look for is a pattern of inappropriate behavior. The exception is if the offending party escalates to the point of excessive behavior. If this is a one and done, document it and keep moving.
I would wait to go to HR until next time he tries it. Because you know he will. So for now, just save your evidence. In fact, I would email him from your work email, bcc yourself at your personal email, and tell him in no uncertain terms that you do not wish for him to speak to you about anything except work related issues. Tell he shouldn’t flirt with you or call you anything other than your name. And let him know that if he persist in this behavior that you will inform HR as well as your team’s leadership. Going to HR this time will simply result in them saying, “well you told him and he should stop. Let us know if he doesn’t stop.” Also, do not respond to his texts at all unless they are work related.
Keep screenshots for the future, in case he continues.
Screenshot the text and your reply and forward to HR. That language in a workplace is unacceptable. Using it freely with no repercussions only allows him license to do it again.
….? Are you in 1st grade? He flirted with you, you set boundaries and then he acknowledged it… act like an adult and move on.
Is he in 1st grade? She's getting married and he's swinging flirty messages at his soon to be married co-worker. You didn't think much through there.
Didn’t ask unfortunately
You have a lot of post history about your fiancé cheating on you and you feeling inadequate and unattractive. I don’t understand why you would let this guy make decisions for you. This is kind of a non-issue. Are you sure you’re not using this to one up your fiancé?
The guy shouldn’t have said it. Super inappropriate. But seems like you handled it and I would keep screenshots. Incase he says anything else.
I think your action is appropriate. It appears he was trying to be flippant and didn't understand where the boundary lay. You firmly showed him where it lay, and he apologized. So if it happens in the future, of course you should report it. You also might say that it happened before and recount how you handled it. If he denies the previous encounter, that might fall into the category of he said/she said. But it won't change the facts that you charge in the recurrent situation.
I also work in a male dominated job and that comment didn't phase me at all. That's not saying I'm conditioned to hearing it or I accept inappropriate talk, but it honestly wouldn't bother me. If I heard this in person I would prob laugh out call him Princess because I thought it was lame. You have different opinions on it. Which is absolutely fine. He crossed a line, you warned him, he apologized. That's the perfect example of conflict resolution. Now.... If he continues, different story (because then he isn't listening to your boundaries). If he said something much more upfront or sexual, different story. For now I would suggest to be optimistic that he truely learned to stay in his lane and nothing else will come of it. But also don't be surprised if he's more distant after being corrected.
I think you asked for it to stop, so if it happens again then you report it. Otherwise you did what you should have Maybe you taught him something
He seems to learn his lesson. I wouldn't report this if you really did not felt uncomfortable - remember that this would ruin his career and mosty for sure would not help in yours. Keep this situation on mind - check if it happens again - if yes - report both. Right now at least he should watch his language
Because we don't have full context of the messages, it's hard to understand how severe they are, but, assuming the hey sexy text was the "worst", you have set a clear boundary that is so far being respected. If my understanding is wrong and there is worse behavior, then please ignore my advice. I would do the following: - Take screenshots - Email said screenshota to self to create an easy to find time stamp. In and of itself, this establishes a documented paper trail. I would hold off on reporting unless one of two things happen: 1. Any further behavior occurs from this individual. 2. Other problematic behavior happens (I. E. There is a culture of inappropriateness).
He tried, you denied, he accepted. It's done unless he does it again and THEN you should report it. Fiancée is insecure and should stay out of it as is.
She had already denied. He ignored and escalated his inappropriate behavior. And, frankly, that is not something anyone should have to deal with at work. why is it so difficult for people to understand that you don’t hit on coworkers?
You told him what behavior made you uncomfortable he apologized and retracted it. Obviously if he continued then you should forward that information on. But it seems like you're jumping the gun wanting to report him before you even have a chance to see if he has changed his behavior. Keep the information saved and observe future behavior. That might just be the way he talks to people he thinks are attractive. Not saying it's right just saying that's probably how he is.
He acknowledged. Keep notes about the interaction and watch his behaviour. If he changes it’s a new people getting to know each other and their boundaries. Go to HR only if he fails to change his behaviour.
Consider it closed unless there is a further issue.
You can report him for this but that’s not really something that’s going to rise to the level of sexual harassment at least not in most HR departments. your reaction and his statement seems enough for now
Ignore. If it continues, tell your boss. If it still continues, see EEO or HR.
Save the texts, and if he crosses the line one more time, drop the bomb.
Tell him to stop. If he does it again you’ll have to get higher up involved. “I don’t mind being work colleagues, but not interested in anything beyond that “
If he’s over the line with you, he’s going to do it to others. I’d tell HR and provide your text communication so that they have record.
If he does it again I’d report it
Noted and redacted is as good a response as any wine could expect to get. If he does it one more time, go for it. It was a text so you already have the start of the paper trail you need. No need to be a Karen
“Noted and redacted” is appropriately non-defensive, but it could also be read as a calculated non-apology. He’s unlikely to be that blunt again, but keep an eye out: after a few weeks on his best behavior, he may try a more subtle “long game” to become overly familiar. I agree this doesn’t yet require HR involvement, but keep screenshots of everything: not just the most recent “hey sexy / do not” exchange, but all of his earlier flirtatious texts and your obvious “wedding, wedding, wedding” efforts to shut him down.
I think you handled that well with absolutely the right response. If he does it again then you are justified in going to HR. You are your own person at work, your fiancé is right to support you but you have to be the one who decides what is right, not them.
Three stages to an HR issue. 1. Can you work it out yourselves. 2. Company policy is. 3. I will pass this on to your manager. Basically I would tell him to knock it off. I referred to a VP as “babe” one time by accident and we stopped at 1. You can always go to 2. But there is no working backwards.
….? Are you in 1st grade? He flirted with you, you set boundaries and then he acknowledged it… act like an adult and move on.
I'm an HR Manager and have been working in the industry for years. Most of the time when you report to HR, they'll need to get both sides of the story. We have a job to do, and documentation and paper trail is key. We shouldn't take only one side to a story, although at times I will make this exception as a courtesy (although most don't). I personally would advise not to go to HR unless he flirts with you further or makes any further advances. Going to HR could potentially ruin teamwork and further interactions. Although not appropriate of him, people will make advances at work. For something to be labeled as harassment (whether sexual in nature or not) it needs to be pervasive (happening more than once) or invasive/serious enough to not be taken lightly. This, although inappropriate, would not be harassment as he apologized and seems to have corrected the issue promptly. You handled this textbook style.
Invite him out for drinks
YES! If he’s doing this to you he’s doing this to others. Keep evidence and report. Start the paper trail.
Male here. Way different Industry. If one of my co workers text me that, I’d laugh. I’d never text a female co worker that.
Have your Fiance Text him and tell him he now has his contact info and will decide in the future to involve HR or find" Other Methods" of dealing with it !'
I like that you addressed it with him. I’m in HR and I would want to know. It’s possible he has done this previously to someone else and you aren’t aware. This could be a second event and he should be termed or given a warning at least.
Keep copies. Don’t say anything yet. If he crosses the line again, go to your HRM. If they ask why you didn’t report sooner, explain you thought you handled it because he seemed to understand he was inappropriate. There’s nothing you should feel badly about here. I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself and placing appropriate boundaries.
Always keep receipts, including every performance review or 1:1 about performance to detail a history of your work ethic, if they fire you after reporting and you can prove it was related, you could probably sue them.
Save the text. Tell him you're not comfortable with that language. If you want to, report him. If not, see if it happens again.
The reason you don’t report it on the first try is a simple explanation of I told him I was not comfortable with it, and I gave him the opportunity to stop the behaviour before it got out of hand, and I had to go to HR. Not really too difficult.
Definitely report. You're probably not the only one he talks to like this.
He shot his shot "even tho a fucking stupid attempt, your remote, you talk about your wedding, like wtf is up with this guy" and you turned him down in the correct manner. If he attempts it again then light his ass up.
I have reported incidents to HR and in my personal experience HR covers the company’s ass not yours. When I gave a 2 wk notice at said job they told me to leave immediately, which I said no thank you, I have planned on the pay for the next two weeks I’ll stay. I was told,” we will pay you for the 2 wks, go enjoy some time with your family.” When I asked why I was told,” well you did report your manager to HR!”😉
he was flirty enough for you to think he was "possibly flirty" but you didnt mention your fiance right then? might have just gotten the wrong idea
The problem I see here with everyone telling you not to go to HR yet, is that you said you have talked about your fiancé and wedding plans when you thought he might be flirting before, and that didn’t deter him. I would bet money that this guy won’t behave for long and he will do something else.
IMO, it shouldn't be reported to HR. You handled it well. If he was to do it again, that's a different story.
Extremely inappropriate. Yes, I would report it. People who send messages like this do not just send them to one person and he is likely sending them to all your female co-workers. What if he does this to others within your company and they don't have the strength to tell him to stop or a supportive fiancé to help?
Everyone is saying don't report to HR, but as a business owner myself, I'd be a bit annoyed to find out one of my employees is calling another employee sexy while she clearly has a fiance. It all depends on the business you're employed at, because some of us dislike that crap in the workplace. He never should have even started with that, but it's entirely up to you what you wanna do in this situation.
People here seem surprisingly okay with this… Who tf talks like that to a relatively new coworker, especially knowing they are engaged (but even if not)? He’s just gonna go bother someone else and eventually it’ll probably work on someone, being a jerk who crosses boundaries will end up getting rewarded and reinforced. Maybe it’s different industries, and I do completely understand not escalating if it ends there, that’s a totally reasonable path to prioritize your career and just moving forward, but that would not fly in my area and people seem way too chill with his response essentially being good enough. (I’m not in HR, this just came up in my feed)
Do not report. It was just a flirty greeting and you let him know to stop. If he does it again, tell him you're reporting him to HR, then do it.
Screenshot the text. Hold for safe keeping. Warn other women you work with. This coworker is fishing.
Document and report. He could be doing it to other people.It’s not your job to wait until it gets worse or “bad enough”. He knows full well what he is doing is wrong.
Don’t report, legally he hasn’t done anything wrong yet. You have stated it makes you uncomfortable and asked him to stop which is what you are required to do. Keep a record of this interaction and if he does it again then you can report to HR. You did the right thing, no need to report yet.
You should absolutely , without a doubt notify HR. You will be protected and they are not allowed to retaliate against you.
You handled it appropriately. Yes keep copies of the interaction.
What’s wrong with people. He did something you thought was uncomfortable. Tell him that. If it persists tell him you’re going to take it to HR. It’s not kindergarten.
Yes, you should
Nah. I don’t think you should report it. You were assertive and set your boundaries. If he does it again *then* I would *consider* taking it to HR.
You have the proof already. If he doesnt correct course then just show this proof to HR when he crosses a line again.
Have the motherfucker fired
Screenshot, keep a written note about the event (even though your screenshot has time and date). Sounds like he did the right thing (I'm an optimist), but in case he does continue, you have the proof you need to go to HR (I'm also a cynic).
Good lord. Maybe a male dominated industry isn’t for you. Guy apologized. Get over it.
Did this even happen while at work or on the clock? How did he get your number? These things also matter for HR to have much involvement. They deal with things in the workplace or on the clock depending on what you do. If he got your number from work rather than from you it could be a big issue and of course if he makes any advances while on the clock or company work place and property.
What is this 1980s question? Report that idiot. When you do, 15 other women you work with will come forward
Not only was it unwelcome and inappropriate, he touched the 3rd rail... he used redacted improperly. HR would agree.
Do keep copies of absolutely all communications with him. If he asks or tells you anything, politely request him to email it to you.
I’m in your field and a female and can tell you that while I 100% think you should report it, it is likely you’ll be retaliated against and even more likely if you’re a 1099 rep that they’ll find a way to let you go if the male is a higher producer than you. There is a man that I know of in the industry that literally yelled at a woman and told her women shouldn’t be in sales on a recording…. And she still ended up being the one to leave that offer. Long story short report it but start looking for another role
I mean keep a screenshot but wait till he does it again to see if he got the message. Just an idiot doing idiot things.
I'd ignore everyone here saying not to report it. I would report it so it's on file. If he's doing it to multiple women it will show a pattern of behaviour and maybe they can stop something worse from happening. You don't have to complain or make a big deal, but reporting it would be wise. Save someone else the grief. Possibly other women who are uncomfortable and have trouble standing up for themselves.
I would 100% report him because if he is doing this to you he is going to keep doing it to other people. Opening a conversation with anyone you work with "hey sexy" is not a grey area it is cut and dry. You don't owe this jackass anything
I guarantee you he’s done. You finally checked him and he responded appropriately. I wouldn’t make it any messier than that bc what he did on the sexism scale wasn’t that egregious. I get your Fiance being pissed, but I wouldn’t set the precedent of letting him tell you what to do either. If you feel truly violated, then report it. Otherwise, you might be opening a can of worms you can’t close.
This is inappropriate but I don't think would constitute harassment in any seriously actionable way given it being a one-time event that was immediately acknowledged and retracted upon direct feedback. If you did report it, HR would probably conclude they have to investigate by talking to you both, it would be super perfunctory ("Sorry I have to have this conversation with you but did you send this text?" etc.), and they would end up giving him a warning or talking to and that's it. Possibly the would require he do an online anti-sexual harassment course, that sort of thing. It's unlikely they'd fire him, so it would end up being just an embarrassing incident for him and bringing attention to you in a way that, while appropriate in the sense you're perfectly within your rights to report it, isn't necessarily doing any good for you career wise. He responded professionally; I would leave it at that assuming it never happens again. I would take a very different line if there's a sense he's bothering other folks or actually there's some kind of quid pro quo demands or exploitation of others going on.
Sounds like it’s handled and now he knows you arent interested.
My wife works in HR, one of her male colleagues said something similar to her. She told him that it made her uncomfortable and to back off. He did and never targeted her again. He got reported by someone else he harassed about 6 months later, and now my wife has changed her opinion to one of zero tolerance. She realized her lack of reaction made him feel like he could get away with it. And eventually someone would take the bait. So now she's plagued by the thought of, how many other women did he target before someone stood up.
I would consider letting HR know with screenshots, but with this verbiage: "I'm reporting something that happened, and has been handled to my satisfaction. I am not asking for any action on the company's part. I am reporting so this is documented with the company in case other women have similar experiences. Please note that I did clearly ask him to stop and he has not repeated the behavior."
No real excuse for texting you that when you’ve made it abundantly clear you have fiancé as well as no reason to use that word other than being sexually forward. Can’t really chalk this up to a mistake either but do you.
Report it. This person may have a pattern of behavior. My workplace doesn't tolerate even one instance of it. Also, why does your remote coworker have your personal phone number? My manager hasn't even asked for mine. We use Teams. Which the organization monitors.
I’m with your fiance just report it and tell them you just want them to know you can tell them you talked to him and hopefully he doesn’t do anything again
Sounds like you’ve already handled it and he responded appropriately. Your fiance is overreacting.
Like others have said. I’d give him the “benefit of the doubt” as just being dumbass. Maybe that’s the reality check he needed. Since it’s remote too, at least you’re not encountering him on a regular basis. If he keeps going tho, definitely go to hr.
Hey I work in sales, so I get it. First off I think you handled the situation correctly. Secondly I think your co-worker got the message that this isn't OK. This also feels like the first time. I would tell your finance you handled it, you told him it isn't OK, and if he doe sit again you will escalate it. Sales people say stupid shit sometimes.
Yes. Report him.
I honestly think you should start a paper trail with HR, regardless of how close you’re with him. Trust me in 99% cases whoever complains or starts a legal HR process first, wins.
Everyone saying "no, too soon, don't do it" Ummmmm he thought it was okay yo send 'Sexy' to a WORK ACQUAINTANCE. THAT'S NOT EVER OK, EVER. If he sent that to an outside vendor/contractor it would be reported immediately. Y'all are some self proclaimed incels saying **not** to go to HR on this. No "wait to see if it happens again". Report with the screenshot showing uou saying inappropriate and him confirming it. You have proof of **you** setting a boundary in his file immediately, so his second infraction will be taken seriously. REPORT THIS DO NOT WAIT FOR HIM TO DO SIMILAR OR WORSE.
This is r/AskHR. It is very obvious you don't work in HR.
That is an egregious crossing of the line. Gross. You did an excellent job of handling it yourself, but because it is such an incredibly bold move from him, I suggest you also report it to your manager, explain your response back to the coworker and that you feel it's handled for now, but that given how incredibly unprofessional it is, you want to make him/her aware right away and that any future incidents will be shared with him/her and HR. I highly suspect that there will be a similar incident in your future. Not as obvious, but still flirty and inappropriate, and you'll wish then for more swift action to be taken against him. Having your manager already in the loop will set you up for that. Based on my experience, folks this bold often have similar complaints from multiple people and/or become retaliatory. If he's not already doing it to others, I bet he'll start now that he knows for sure that you're not receptive, and this behavior has no place in the workplace.
All that matters is how you feel. If it makes you uncomfortable, tell your manager. If you work at a good company like I do, they’ll be let go without anything else needed from you.
>All that matters is how you feel. Sorry, but that is just not how things work in HR (or in business or life generally for that matter).
That statement was to comfort them because they were on the fence about how the interactions made them feel. However, I’ve worked in corporate for 18 years. I know how “things work”, and if something like this is reported, it’s a fireable offense.
Some people use sexy for beautiful. I had a female friend from church, call my three year old son sexy. I had to explain it to her and she never said it again.