I don't think men and women deal with stress the same way
Generally, if I tell someone my problems, it makes me feel worse, not better, as though I've burdened them and now they probably think less of me also
Hey thank you for your response. I didn’t think about the idea of feeling “worse” or “burdening” vs when women confide in other women. I’m wondering if it’s like a male culture thing…
Yes, it's a male culture thing. I don't tell my friends about my problems unless I think they can help in some way. This is why men always have a "Guy" for different things. An investing guy, a real estate guy, a car guy, a computer guy, a guy that will always back you up in a fight, etc... These are all friends that have skills and experiences in certain fields, and you know will help if you ask. You ask them for help, they help you, you pay them in either favors or with their favorite beer or something similiar.
Think of Men's love language as being based around "Acts of Service." Men show their love for each other by using their time and skills to help people that they like. I wouldn't want to dump my problems on someone when i know they can't help because it's not going to help me, and it's just gonna bum them out. I will tell my finance friend that I'm nervous about the economy, though, and ask him questions about what's scaring me. I'll ask my car friend to come over and teach me to change spark plugs and give him a case of beer. I'll ask IT friend why my computer isn't working and in exchange take him fishing. It sounds transactional, but it doesn't feel that way when you're in it.
Edit: The reason guys tend to dump their problems on their partners is because that is generally seen as a partners role. It sounds weird, but you're his
"Emotions Guy", the person he can talk to about his emotions without feeling bad because you also have a vested interest.
I'm the same way. In "emotional" issues, I call 1 or 2 friends to help figure out what actions I can take or what lessons can be learned. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't
I never talk to my friends about my problems. I see no point in it, they can't help me with these problems and I hang out with them to have fun, I see no point. Better to just have fun to alleviate some stress.
For my problems I rarely tell my family unless they can help out.
Personally I feel like just saying my problems out loud to someone does not help me. It actually adds stress, because now whoever I told knows I have a problem and they stress too because they can't help. Just adds more problems.
I’m a woman and have this same thought process. Your answer is amazing. Having fun will help the stress in better ways and avoid assumptions, unnecessary judgments and more from people so when it comes to “problems I have” I’ve made the decision to go to therapy…. Since I was 15.
I'm happy to hear that :)
Personally only until very recently I've found a psychologist that I might feel comfortable confiding in, hopefully that works out! Last 2 therapists were self centered and judgy, not really useful traits for a therapist lol
Yeah I feel like people see you differently when ya tell them stuff, better to just avoid it, I always have. Never told anyone my problems ever, unhealthy af...
Picking a therapist (any professional really who provides a service) is like dating so it’s ok to keep trying till you find the one who works for you and makes you feel like is helping. I’m not saying to pick the one who agrees with all your thoughts but definitely don’t settle for ones who are making ya feel like those did. Hopefully this one works for ya! If not then keep trying and don’t write therapy completely off!
I'll try to keep it up but the other therapists were so bad I stopped until it got worse, it's so hard to not give up 😭
Thx for the encouragement, goodnight or good evening or whatever it is where you are :)
Exactly same for me, +1 unless particular situations that can occur from natural conversations (going for a topic that triggers smthing critical for you)
Ah that make me sad to hear 😭 but I can also see people having a “suck it up” stance as well.
Yeah it’s different with girls, theyll just listen and try to offer advice or say “yeah that sucks” etc but usually like if a friend is over it, usually they have told that other friend advice multiple times at that point.
Someone throwing your feelings back in your face doesn’t sound like a friend to me. Regardless of gender. I’ve had people do that to me and they aren’t my friends.
That’s why I thought it was sad that a friend would even do that.
If my friends would call me every day to talk about their day, I would come over and slap them.
No really, I've a very good and old friend of 20 years, who lives quite far away now. We see eachother a few times per year and then we will tell how the previous quaters went. That takes maybe 1 hour.
Lmaoo. 😆 I should have clarified I don’t talk to same friend every day but I have like 3-4 good friends so I talk to them on different days within the week. Seems common for some girls. Even FaceTime or discord calls. But I was surprised my boyfriend doesn’t do that…
Men do have a friendship problem. We should be more social to an extent but.. Men are not defective women. We aren't the same. We don't need the same needs. In exactly the same way.
I don’t think it’s about thinking men are defective or believing men are the same as women. But if many men report being lonely and genuinely struggling then clearly there’s a need that’s not being met.
We’re also all just human beings so we’ll have a lot in common too lol
First thing to take unto account is that, generally speaking, men and woman are *are different*. Both physiological and culturally. What works for woman doesn't mean it will work with men.
Some of my best male relationships we don't talk about are problems because there's no point, which may be difficult for some women to understand, but this is a *feature* not a bug. My best friends aren't people who I can talk all day about my problems. My best friends are people I can call up randomly, ask for a favor, and he's already agreed to it before knowing what it is. He doesn't need to know what my problem is. He just needs to know how to fix it. And that is true for most men.
I personally don’t want to hear nor talk about a friends problem or stresses. I would rather talk about what the fuck you are going to do about it. If you can’t do anything about it, then let it go
This is the way. The sooner I realized that, the more empowered I felt about creating the life I wanted, and then everything kinda just fell into place.
No we give progress updates, ask about life. Share links to nice things and goods. Sometimes we vent but it’s rare. Then a there’s places like Reddit where you can rant. Talking to friends everyday is really a thing about who you are as an individual.
Here's the thing: even true friends will pretend that they care, but they don't. Even if those friends are going through some tough shit themselves that can relate to. That's just how men are. Talking about your problems will be a huge non-stop "that's crazy" over and over and over.
Never, I think your boyfriend is pretty normal. We tend to bond through doing stuff together rather than talking. Women seem to bond more through talking than doing stuff together.
As a man, its an unwritten rule to not share your problems with anyone. 3 reasons why:
1. No one cares.
2. They may have problems of their own.
3. The problem is your own. Only you can solve it.
I have one guy friend I talk about my feelings every few months. And by talking about feelings I mean like boy I had a shitty week, this and that happened. That's about it.
call? never.
we talk candidly about our lives and worries and what-not in person. usually over food or a drive. it's nice, and something i wish more people were able to do.
Men usually make the experience that nobody really cares.
So often times we just resign and just "live with it".
"Stop whining." "That's how the world works, deal with it." "Sounds like a you issue." "Sucks to be you." We get that shit all the time and at some point it becomes internalized.
I can't really tell you methods how to crack that shell, but keep going, I'm sure you'll find a way.
Men talking about their feelings all the time. They just don’t phrase it like women do. They say something like my boss is a pain is the ass. Or hey you wanna watch the game tonight?
Frankly never, and that’s no accident. I don’t care about whether it’s a societal norm; it just sounds awful. I have no problem opening up to people, even strangers, so it’s not a problem with vulnerability per se. More like, I just never *feel* vulnerable that way, if that makes sense? I’d rather deal with perceived problems without outside interference, is all. If I need help I’ll ask.
Never. When my friend was about to kill himself, yes, we talked about feelings over the phone, so that's one time in my life. I wouldn't feel bothered at all if someone called and talked about their feelings, it's just not something my friends do. It would probably surprise me. I might assume it's another case of someone struggling with suicidal thoughts.
When I'm having problems, I call my sisters, not my friends. It's always been women for any "feelings" conversations for me, but I usually don't really think of talking about such topics at all, it has to be something significant.
Probably once to a couple of times a week depending on everyone’s schedules. Generally the call is discord and we’re playing games while we catch up. Those are childhood friends who live far away, closer people I tend to just hang out with at bars/events.
If your bf feels like he’s bothering people it might be because he’s leaning on male friends without also making himself available to be leaned on. If he can get to a place where he actually enjoys providing a space for his friends to vent and open up about their feelings he’ll probably feel a lot less awkward about asking for their support when he needs it. I imagine he’ll be a bit rusty but it’s worth being proactive about since having a solid support network really improves your quality of life.
Not a man but imo: you can’t control how someone chooses to De-stress, what’s acceptable surrounding that, how they maintain their relationships and more. Can’t judge what they choose either and if they disregard your advice then I’d assume they are ok with the status quo. What works for 1 person doesn’t always work for another regardless of gender
Never. I hate talking on the phone. So this doesn’t mean I don’t talk to my friends about their day and feelings, I’m just not picking up my phone to do so.
Never, because I hate talking on the phone.
I text my friends and chat with them over discord all the time, though. This might be a reach, given how you've described him, but it's possible that he does keep in touch with his friends, it's just not in a way that's super visible to you.
Most men just banter with friends. Only problems we discuss tend to be around how to fix something we may not be good at like car or construction related items if they can get some help for problem solving we do.
That's intriguing to me that he shares his problems with you. I rarely feel comfortable opening up because I'm worried that sharing my worries will end up causing anxiety in her. I find that a combination of serving others and having a frequent game night with my closest buddies usually cures my self woes. On occasion, I might share something with her but not often. She, like many women it seems, see their husbands as the rock of the family (whether we feel so or not). If the rock is crumbling, wives become very concerned.
My boyfriend grew up with a lot of sisters, and he in the past has told me that it’s easier to talk to women. When he is in a weird mood I usually ask him “are you ok” or “what’s wrong “and then he will tell me.
Not sure if he says anything unless it’s a reallyyy bad day 🤔
Other than that he’s usually pretty chill.
Covid left me disabled 3 months ago. I can’t walk more than 50 ft, can’t drive myself, can’t even talk for more than 20-30 minutes. Things like that. So I’m very housebound right now, and I don’t know when this will end.
So my brother and a few others come and check on me from time to time. Lately around once a week.
I only share my problems with other men when and if I think they can recommend or help with a solution.
Just talking about feelings doesn't help. As others said, it gets me no closer to a solution, and it makes me feel like I'm putting an unneccessary burden on others.
Validation doesn't help most men. Solutions do.
Never. Unless something really exciting happens, i don't need to share all of the stupid mundane things that happen in my daily life, to anyone. I don't gossip, and i don't care to hear it in the first place.
And even if something out of the ordinary happens, I'm not going to go rushing to call my friends to tell them about it. The next time we hang out will be fine. There is almost nothing happening in my life that needs any immediate communication with someone else.
That’s really interesting actually.
I’m in USA and I’ve definitely heard from friends overseas that some countries have more community and family bonds whereas US is kinda individualistic.
I extremely rarely talk about my feelings or my day with the boys. The last time I can remember is probably 10ish years ago when I confided in my buddy at the time about my girlfriend at the time. I didn’t know how to bring up certain things and thought he’d have insight since he had way more luck with the ladies. But that’s more “real shit”. My everyday ups and downs are so insignificant, they aren’t worth mentioning. Also, my average day is not worth talking about. It would be like watching paint dry from a distance. A lot of autopilot too so details are lacking. If I chat with the boys, it’s about hobbies or their problems. I don’t really have any. Lucky me? Not really. Makes me less relatable.
I've been going through depression the last 3 years I reached out to all my good friends. I have two left. Don't bring your problems on your friendship they'll just run away
If you have never read the book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus by John Gray, I highly recommend it (coming from a guy). It really explains the thought process differences between males and females and why we react very differently to the same problems. If a guy brings a problem to another guy, he wants only a solution to the problem, no emotion is involved, its a fix or no fix situation. If a guy knows his friend can't provide a solution to the problem, he'll never share that problem with said friend and this goes for all problems, physical and mental.
If Bob comes to me and says " I'm having a problem with (insert problem physical or mental)" My guy brain says "Bob has problem, solve Bob's problem"....even if I have no clue how to do so...now I have a new problem that was never mine to begin with. All guys subconsciously know this and try not to dump our crap on another person we know can't solve the problem so we don't vent to our buddies because it will just load them down. Women approach the "Bob as a problem" or "Jane has a problem" situation from a totally different view point that guys just can't quite do.
Given, there are exceptions to the rule on both sides but that's a basic rundown. If you'll notice...you got a lot of solutions to your question/problem, very little emotional/supportive responses.
I call my guy friends all the time after after work and we gossip about girls and read teen vogue. If I'm lucky they come over for a slumber party and we braid each others dick beards while we do makeovers!
Never. I only really call my friends if its to arrange catching up. My best mate I've known for 28 years, we sometimes go months without talking and we're totally fine with that. I know we should probably catch up more but often times I forget to arrange something until the weekend and by then I feel it would be asking a bit much to expect him to be free to catchup at short notice.
No.... nah jk, I usually go on a small rant or explain my thoughts on something that has been bothering me while playing video games.
We'll be playing deep rock galactic and I'll be talking about how I feel about something.
Never ,and I'm sure it would help once in a while .My gf however comes in th door unloading every little detail (usually in a stressed out way)and I'm thinking ,hoe is teliving every shitty detail vocally helping anything when u could just forget about it.
Men aren't women, we don't require or need support in the same way. I can destress and relax with a neat whiskey and some mindless video on youtube or reruns of Frasier.
I talk to my friends everyday, but we don't talk about our "feelings". I'll let them no if I'm going through some shit, and everyone in a while we will ask if the other is good.
I don't need external input from them, they are not really equipped to deal with my feelings, and I don't want to put that on them. If I need to talk about my feelings I go to my therapist. She is equipped to help me, and she has no other connections to anyone in my life.
Never. We don't talk about feelings. I have some really good friends that are girls we Def talk about feelings. My guy friends? Nope we talk cars n drink beers. Talk about the lawn n building stuff lol. The fuck would I talk a guy about my day?
There are not many I would feel comfortable sharing with, but I do with certain people. Just not on the phone. It's just not comparable to women at all, men rarely talk to eachother like that. There's therapy and certain female friends though.
My best friend called me once after I broke my back, made fun of me and hung up. Sent me a sixpack of Mt. Dew with a laminated sign on it that said "Broke back" Best friend I ever had. Sometimes we still don't talk.
Anytime it’s a boys trip and do MDMA. Turn into ultra friends in the smokers section or crashing back at the pad after all the fun is done for the night
I never have. It sounds like it would be stressful to do. It would also be considered rude for my male friends unless I had something actually specific to ask or need.
## The following is an oversimplification for purposes of making it easier to understand:
* When men are stressed we produce a hormone called vasopressin. It makes us want to avoid people, also makes us horny, irritable, and increases need to pee.
* When women are stressed they produce more oxytocin, it makes them emotionally needy, take care of small children, and bond with people and need attention and give attention. (also increases kidney function, just like vasopressin)
* This is why what sounds like a way to relieve stress for you, sounds like hell for me.
* If your husband is very stressed, give him a blowjob. (because vasopressin makes hornyness more likely)
* In reality both produce both, but men are more dominated by vasopressin and women by oxytocin.
I really don’t understand most man. I could not deal with all the shit life throws at me deal with it alone. I have quite a few friends with whom I regularly deep talk over everything that goes on in life and with me. Just speaking about it and getting some input helps so much.
I wouldn’t be the man of today if I didn’t have that.
Probably once every week or two, I'll call my best friend from college to catch up.
I think I'm definitely an outlier though, but we try to make chatting a priority in our busy lives.
My other male friends seem like it's a weird phenomenon if I bring it up in conversation lol
A lot of men wear the invincible mask around other men. Admitting that you have problems makes you look weak in front of other men, so men don't want to complain about their problems. Its all so obviously a facade.
I did this only once.
So, all my male batchmates were in a room (boys dorm) enjoying movies, drinks..
As it was new year's eve, everybody was getting calls around 5-10 minutes before midnight.
Only me and one of my friend were the ones whom no one called.
So, I took my phone, called that friend and then we discussed how the day went.
It was hilarious.
At the core of this is the assumption that spending time discussing and venting your stress to other people is universally a help in feeling better about and relieving that stress. This is not true.
To use a kind of gross analogy of a cut or wound: for some people, getting together with your friends and discussing in detail your negative emotional state, is like carefully cleaning out and dressing the wound. For others, it's like getting your friends together so you can rip off the still forming scab and then all sticking your dirty fingers in it for an hour or two.
It's good that you're concerned about your BF but just be aware that the productive approach you take to how you feel about your problems is not necessarily productive for him, and pushing him to adopt that specific method won't necessarily be a good thing.
Pretty much never, I have only done it twice with my best friend. But I had to because he was at his lowest and I had to try to make him see he was not alone, it worked out.
never. The closest friend I had died several years ago and since then I have had no one.
my other friends don't really get personal. They just talk about work and stuff.
I don't think men and women deal with stress the same way Generally, if I tell someone my problems, it makes me feel worse, not better, as though I've burdened them and now they probably think less of me also
Hey thank you for your response. I didn’t think about the idea of feeling “worse” or “burdening” vs when women confide in other women. I’m wondering if it’s like a male culture thing…
Yes, it's a male culture thing. I don't tell my friends about my problems unless I think they can help in some way. This is why men always have a "Guy" for different things. An investing guy, a real estate guy, a car guy, a computer guy, a guy that will always back you up in a fight, etc... These are all friends that have skills and experiences in certain fields, and you know will help if you ask. You ask them for help, they help you, you pay them in either favors or with their favorite beer or something similiar. Think of Men's love language as being based around "Acts of Service." Men show their love for each other by using their time and skills to help people that they like. I wouldn't want to dump my problems on someone when i know they can't help because it's not going to help me, and it's just gonna bum them out. I will tell my finance friend that I'm nervous about the economy, though, and ask him questions about what's scaring me. I'll ask my car friend to come over and teach me to change spark plugs and give him a case of beer. I'll ask IT friend why my computer isn't working and in exchange take him fishing. It sounds transactional, but it doesn't feel that way when you're in it. Edit: The reason guys tend to dump their problems on their partners is because that is generally seen as a partners role. It sounds weird, but you're his "Emotions Guy", the person he can talk to about his emotions without feeling bad because you also have a vested interest.
I'm the same way. In "emotional" issues, I call 1 or 2 friends to help figure out what actions I can take or what lessons can be learned. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't
It's also a judgement thing. Men generally are seen as weak if they have any challenges or emotional needs.
its the "don't tell a man a problem that he isn't supposed to help solve" thing. more from "it's not about the nail" on youtube.
I never talk to my friends about my problems. I see no point in it, they can't help me with these problems and I hang out with them to have fun, I see no point. Better to just have fun to alleviate some stress. For my problems I rarely tell my family unless they can help out. Personally I feel like just saying my problems out loud to someone does not help me. It actually adds stress, because now whoever I told knows I have a problem and they stress too because they can't help. Just adds more problems.
This is the correct answer
But most likely not the answer OP wants to hear.
I mean my comment adding to the idea that maybe what her boyfriend is doing, is normal among men might be a little comforting.
That’s because women think that their experiences are the default setting. They don’t realize that the things that may help them doesn’t apply to men.
I’m a woman and have this same thought process. Your answer is amazing. Having fun will help the stress in better ways and avoid assumptions, unnecessary judgments and more from people so when it comes to “problems I have” I’ve made the decision to go to therapy…. Since I was 15.
I'm happy to hear that :) Personally only until very recently I've found a psychologist that I might feel comfortable confiding in, hopefully that works out! Last 2 therapists were self centered and judgy, not really useful traits for a therapist lol Yeah I feel like people see you differently when ya tell them stuff, better to just avoid it, I always have. Never told anyone my problems ever, unhealthy af...
Picking a therapist (any professional really who provides a service) is like dating so it’s ok to keep trying till you find the one who works for you and makes you feel like is helping. I’m not saying to pick the one who agrees with all your thoughts but definitely don’t settle for ones who are making ya feel like those did. Hopefully this one works for ya! If not then keep trying and don’t write therapy completely off!
I'll try to keep it up but the other therapists were so bad I stopped until it got worse, it's so hard to not give up 😭 Thx for the encouragement, goodnight or good evening or whatever it is where you are :)
Exactly same for me, +1 unless particular situations that can occur from natural conversations (going for a topic that triggers smthing critical for you)
I don't. Nobody really cares. It'll just get thrown in my face later.
Ah that make me sad to hear 😭 but I can also see people having a “suck it up” stance as well. Yeah it’s different with girls, theyll just listen and try to offer advice or say “yeah that sucks” etc but usually like if a friend is over it, usually they have told that other friend advice multiple times at that point.
That's female privilege for you
Someone throwing your feelings back in your face doesn’t sound like a friend to me. Regardless of gender. I’ve had people do that to me and they aren’t my friends. That’s why I thought it was sad that a friend would even do that.
If my friends would call me every day to talk about their day, I would come over and slap them. No really, I've a very good and old friend of 20 years, who lives quite far away now. We see eachother a few times per year and then we will tell how the previous quaters went. That takes maybe 1 hour.
Lmaoo. 😆 I should have clarified I don’t talk to same friend every day but I have like 3-4 good friends so I talk to them on different days within the week. Seems common for some girls. Even FaceTime or discord calls. But I was surprised my boyfriend doesn’t do that…
Even every week sounds miserable and stressful. I would start avoiding a friend that called me every week.
The term ‘former friend’ comes to mind
Men do have a friendship problem. We should be more social to an extent but.. Men are not defective women. We aren't the same. We don't need the same needs. In exactly the same way.
I don’t think it’s about thinking men are defective or believing men are the same as women. But if many men report being lonely and genuinely struggling then clearly there’s a need that’s not being met. We’re also all just human beings so we’ll have a lot in common too lol
What women cares about a man’s needs?
First thing to take unto account is that, generally speaking, men and woman are *are different*. Both physiological and culturally. What works for woman doesn't mean it will work with men. Some of my best male relationships we don't talk about are problems because there's no point, which may be difficult for some women to understand, but this is a *feature* not a bug. My best friends aren't people who I can talk all day about my problems. My best friends are people I can call up randomly, ask for a favor, and he's already agreed to it before knowing what it is. He doesn't need to know what my problem is. He just needs to know how to fix it. And that is true for most men.
Perfectly said. Let’s fix shit rather than bitch about shit
I hate complaining, especially hearing it from myself.. even this comment.
I personally don’t want to hear nor talk about a friends problem or stresses. I would rather talk about what the fuck you are going to do about it. If you can’t do anything about it, then let it go
Never. Guys don’t do that
That’s sad
It’s not sad. It just is
Not for me - so it’s not guys in general. Just u and the people u know
speak for yourself. it's something you could do, if you wanted to.
Thanks Dr Phil
no worries. here to help.
Shame no one asked for it
of course not. the kind of self-pitying people who find themselves in these situations rarely do. they need help, though.
The only true help is self help. My father always said “no one is coming to save you. Your battles are yours to face”
This is the way. The sooner I realized that, the more empowered I felt about creating the life I wanted, and then everything kinda just fell into place.
>The only true help is self help. so get on it.
No we give progress updates, ask about life. Share links to nice things and goods. Sometimes we vent but it’s rare. Then a there’s places like Reddit where you can rant. Talking to friends everyday is really a thing about who you are as an individual.
Here's the thing: even true friends will pretend that they care, but they don't. Even if those friends are going through some tough shit themselves that can relate to. That's just how men are. Talking about your problems will be a huge non-stop "that's crazy" over and over and over.
“That’s just how man are” is just plainly wrong in my opinion. If you have “true” friends that just pretend to care then I guess u could find better.
Never, I think your boyfriend is pretty normal. We tend to bond through doing stuff together rather than talking. Women seem to bond more through talking than doing stuff together.
As a man, its an unwritten rule to not share your problems with anyone. 3 reasons why: 1. No one cares. 2. They may have problems of their own. 3. The problem is your own. Only you can solve it.
Almost never....
We dont do feelings
Never...it is not something that is encouraged in our culture.
I have one guy friend I talk about my feelings every few months. And by talking about feelings I mean like boy I had a shitty week, this and that happened. That's about it.
And then you move on right? No banging on about it
yeah
call? never. we talk candidly about our lives and worries and what-not in person. usually over food or a drive. it's nice, and something i wish more people were able to do.
Men usually make the experience that nobody really cares. So often times we just resign and just "live with it". "Stop whining." "That's how the world works, deal with it." "Sounds like a you issue." "Sucks to be you." We get that shit all the time and at some point it becomes internalized. I can't really tell you methods how to crack that shell, but keep going, I'm sure you'll find a way.
Men talking about their feelings all the time. They just don’t phrase it like women do. They say something like my boss is a pain is the ass. Or hey you wanna watch the game tonight?
Frankly never, and that’s no accident. I don’t care about whether it’s a societal norm; it just sounds awful. I have no problem opening up to people, even strangers, so it’s not a problem with vulnerability per se. More like, I just never *feel* vulnerable that way, if that makes sense? I’d rather deal with perceived problems without outside interference, is all. If I need help I’ll ask.
Never. When my friend was about to kill himself, yes, we talked about feelings over the phone, so that's one time in my life. I wouldn't feel bothered at all if someone called and talked about their feelings, it's just not something my friends do. It would probably surprise me. I might assume it's another case of someone struggling with suicidal thoughts. When I'm having problems, I call my sisters, not my friends. It's always been women for any "feelings" conversations for me, but I usually don't really think of talking about such topics at all, it has to be something significant.
Probably once to a couple of times a week depending on everyone’s schedules. Generally the call is discord and we’re playing games while we catch up. Those are childhood friends who live far away, closer people I tend to just hang out with at bars/events. If your bf feels like he’s bothering people it might be because he’s leaning on male friends without also making himself available to be leaned on. If he can get to a place where he actually enjoys providing a space for his friends to vent and open up about their feelings he’ll probably feel a lot less awkward about asking for their support when he needs it. I imagine he’ll be a bit rusty but it’s worth being proactive about since having a solid support network really improves your quality of life.
Not a man but imo: you can’t control how someone chooses to De-stress, what’s acceptable surrounding that, how they maintain their relationships and more. Can’t judge what they choose either and if they disregard your advice then I’d assume they are ok with the status quo. What works for 1 person doesn’t always work for another regardless of gender
Lol
Yeah no... I don't do that and don't want to. That's just not how my friends and I socialize and it's not what I would want in terms of support.
Almost never.
Never. I hate talking on the phone. So this doesn’t mean I don’t talk to my friends about their day and feelings, I’m just not picking up my phone to do so.
Never, because I hate talking on the phone. I text my friends and chat with them over discord all the time, though. This might be a reach, given how you've described him, but it's possible that he does keep in touch with his friends, it's just not in a way that's super visible to you.
Never
0 times
Most men just banter with friends. Only problems we discuss tend to be around how to fix something we may not be good at like car or construction related items if they can get some help for problem solving we do.
That's intriguing to me that he shares his problems with you. I rarely feel comfortable opening up because I'm worried that sharing my worries will end up causing anxiety in her. I find that a combination of serving others and having a frequent game night with my closest buddies usually cures my self woes. On occasion, I might share something with her but not often. She, like many women it seems, see their husbands as the rock of the family (whether we feel so or not). If the rock is crumbling, wives become very concerned.
>I rarely feel comfortable opening up because I'm worried that sharing my worries will end up causing anxiety in her. which is sounds like did happen.
My boyfriend grew up with a lot of sisters, and he in the past has told me that it’s easier to talk to women. When he is in a weird mood I usually ask him “are you ok” or “what’s wrong “and then he will tell me. Not sure if he says anything unless it’s a reallyyy bad day 🤔 Other than that he’s usually pretty chill.
Covid left me disabled 3 months ago. I can’t walk more than 50 ft, can’t drive myself, can’t even talk for more than 20-30 minutes. Things like that. So I’m very housebound right now, and I don’t know when this will end. So my brother and a few others come and check on me from time to time. Lately around once a week.
Enough.
Gay
I only share my problems with other men when and if I think they can recommend or help with a solution. Just talking about feelings doesn't help. As others said, it gets me no closer to a solution, and it makes me feel like I'm putting an unneccessary burden on others. Validation doesn't help most men. Solutions do.
Never. Unless something really exciting happens, i don't need to share all of the stupid mundane things that happen in my daily life, to anyone. I don't gossip, and i don't care to hear it in the first place. And even if something out of the ordinary happens, I'm not going to go rushing to call my friends to tell them about it. The next time we hang out will be fine. There is almost nothing happening in my life that needs any immediate communication with someone else.
we don't talk about feelings to other men.
Talking about feelings is akin to a mutual jerk. It’s awkward as fuck bad we just don’t do it
Some people process stress differently. He sounds like he's just chilling
I'm a 55 y.o. man. how often WHAT? I might call a buddy and say "hey dipshit, did you figure out how to install that U-joint yet?" does that count?
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That’s really interesting actually. I’m in USA and I’ve definitely heard from friends overseas that some countries have more community and family bonds whereas US is kinda individualistic.
At most once or twice a year tops.
I extremely rarely talk about my feelings or my day with the boys. The last time I can remember is probably 10ish years ago when I confided in my buddy at the time about my girlfriend at the time. I didn’t know how to bring up certain things and thought he’d have insight since he had way more luck with the ladies. But that’s more “real shit”. My everyday ups and downs are so insignificant, they aren’t worth mentioning. Also, my average day is not worth talking about. It would be like watching paint dry from a distance. A lot of autopilot too so details are lacking. If I chat with the boys, it’s about hobbies or their problems. I don’t really have any. Lucky me? Not really. Makes me less relatable.
Never
No man in the history of ever has called another man to talk about their day. I am being intentionally hyperbolic, but I am not far off.
I've been going through depression the last 3 years I reached out to all my good friends. I have two left. Don't bring your problems on your friendship they'll just run away
I opened up to my best friend once, ONCE. Our relationship is no longer the same. Won't do that again. So - never.
If you have never read the book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus by John Gray, I highly recommend it (coming from a guy). It really explains the thought process differences between males and females and why we react very differently to the same problems. If a guy brings a problem to another guy, he wants only a solution to the problem, no emotion is involved, its a fix or no fix situation. If a guy knows his friend can't provide a solution to the problem, he'll never share that problem with said friend and this goes for all problems, physical and mental. If Bob comes to me and says " I'm having a problem with (insert problem physical or mental)" My guy brain says "Bob has problem, solve Bob's problem"....even if I have no clue how to do so...now I have a new problem that was never mine to begin with. All guys subconsciously know this and try not to dump our crap on another person we know can't solve the problem so we don't vent to our buddies because it will just load them down. Women approach the "Bob as a problem" or "Jane has a problem" situation from a totally different view point that guys just can't quite do. Given, there are exceptions to the rule on both sides but that's a basic rundown. If you'll notice...you got a lot of solutions to your question/problem, very little emotional/supportive responses.
Lol what friends? That sounds like a joke, it's not. I don't think I've ever had real friends in my life.
I call my guy friends all the time after after work and we gossip about girls and read teen vogue. If I'm lucky they come over for a slumber party and we braid each others dick beards while we do makeovers!
Hope the socks stay on.
Uhh, what?
I would have to have guy friends first. I prefer the company of women.
Once a week for some, once a month for others, once every 6 months it depends
I speak to someone about a problem, or even worse, a woman. I now have two problems.
Never have, never will
Never. I only really call my friends if its to arrange catching up. My best mate I've known for 28 years, we sometimes go months without talking and we're totally fine with that. I know we should probably catch up more but often times I forget to arrange something until the weekend and by then I feel it would be asking a bit much to expect him to be free to catchup at short notice.
We don't call, unless we know someone's going through something. More often, we talk every day through group chats and Xbox parties.
No.... nah jk, I usually go on a small rant or explain my thoughts on something that has been bothering me while playing video games. We'll be playing deep rock galactic and I'll be talking about how I feel about something.
Never ,and I'm sure it would help once in a while .My gf however comes in th door unloading every little detail (usually in a stressed out way)and I'm thinking ,hoe is teliving every shitty detail vocally helping anything when u could just forget about it.
Men aren't women, we don't require or need support in the same way. I can destress and relax with a neat whiskey and some mindless video on youtube or reruns of Frasier.
I talk to my friends everyday, but we don't talk about our "feelings". I'll let them no if I'm going through some shit, and everyone in a while we will ask if the other is good. I don't need external input from them, they are not really equipped to deal with my feelings, and I don't want to put that on them. If I need to talk about my feelings I go to my therapist. She is equipped to help me, and she has no other connections to anyone in my life.
Never. We don't talk about feelings. I have some really good friends that are girls we Def talk about feelings. My guy friends? Nope we talk cars n drink beers. Talk about the lawn n building stuff lol. The fuck would I talk a guy about my day?
There are not many I would feel comfortable sharing with, but I do with certain people. Just not on the phone. It's just not comparable to women at all, men rarely talk to eachother like that. There's therapy and certain female friends though.
Never
Never something that never even considered doing
My best friend called me once after I broke my back, made fun of me and hung up. Sent me a sixpack of Mt. Dew with a laminated sign on it that said "Broke back" Best friend I ever had. Sometimes we still don't talk.
Basically never. Sometimes I'll talk to them about what happened in a day on discord.
Every day. With dozens of messages and memes too.
Never
Anytime it’s a boys trip and do MDMA. Turn into ultra friends in the smokers section or crashing back at the pad after all the fun is done for the night
Every single day
I never have. It sounds like it would be stressful to do. It would also be considered rude for my male friends unless I had something actually specific to ask or need. ## The following is an oversimplification for purposes of making it easier to understand: * When men are stressed we produce a hormone called vasopressin. It makes us want to avoid people, also makes us horny, irritable, and increases need to pee. * When women are stressed they produce more oxytocin, it makes them emotionally needy, take care of small children, and bond with people and need attention and give attention. (also increases kidney function, just like vasopressin) * This is why what sounds like a way to relieve stress for you, sounds like hell for me. * If your husband is very stressed, give him a blowjob. (because vasopressin makes hornyness more likely) * In reality both produce both, but men are more dominated by vasopressin and women by oxytocin.
I really don’t understand most man. I could not deal with all the shit life throws at me deal with it alone. I have quite a few friends with whom I regularly deep talk over everything that goes on in life and with me. Just speaking about it and getting some input helps so much. I wouldn’t be the man of today if I didn’t have that.
Thank you for your response…I feel like men should have some type of support group. Agree, life is hard, so advice here and there seems healthy
Probably once every week or two, I'll call my best friend from college to catch up. I think I'm definitely an outlier though, but we try to make chatting a priority in our busy lives. My other male friends seem like it's a weird phenomenon if I bring it up in conversation lol
You are definitely an outlier and should probably hand in your man card as it’s not being used appropriately
Lol good one
He must feel that his emotions are safe with you. That the other people he has in his life aren't interested, or don't support him like you do.
A lot of men wear the invincible mask around other men. Admitting that you have problems makes you look weak in front of other men, so men don't want to complain about their problems. Its all so obviously a facade.
Almost never. When I talk with my guy friends we joke around and drink beer. If I want to talk about feelings I talk to women.
I did this only once. So, all my male batchmates were in a room (boys dorm) enjoying movies, drinks.. As it was new year's eve, everybody was getting calls around 5-10 minutes before midnight. Only me and one of my friend were the ones whom no one called. So, I took my phone, called that friend and then we discussed how the day went. It was hilarious.
At the core of this is the assumption that spending time discussing and venting your stress to other people is universally a help in feeling better about and relieving that stress. This is not true. To use a kind of gross analogy of a cut or wound: for some people, getting together with your friends and discussing in detail your negative emotional state, is like carefully cleaning out and dressing the wound. For others, it's like getting your friends together so you can rip off the still forming scab and then all sticking your dirty fingers in it for an hour or two. It's good that you're concerned about your BF but just be aware that the productive approach you take to how you feel about your problems is not necessarily productive for him, and pushing him to adopt that specific method won't necessarily be a good thing.
Pretty much never, I have only done it twice with my best friend. But I had to because he was at his lowest and I had to try to make him see he was not alone, it worked out.
Moat people don't want to hear it. "Useless and pathetic" are the first words that come to mind at the thought of needing to reach out for support.
never. The closest friend I had died several years ago and since then I have had no one. my other friends don't really get personal. They just talk about work and stuff.
Simple,we dont talk with anyone about them.