My ex always tried to make me do this. Fucking obnoxious. Guess who was eventually found out to never be where he said he was and was sneaking around instead? Lol.
If someone is mistrustful, it suggests they may not be trustworthy themselves, as their belief that others are untrustworthy assumes others will behave the way they would.
It's not only that but if you make someone spend all their energy proving that they are faithful, they don't have the mental capacity to even consider their partner might be the unfaithful one.
I found out the other week that my buddy has to send his girlfriend detailed notes with timestamps of legitimately everything he does while hanging out with the guys...
9:14 went down to the kitchen for a glass or water
9:15 stopped to pet the cats before heading upstairs
9:18 made it back upstairs and sat on the right side of the couch
Just be a good friend to him that way he will go to you when shiz hits the fan. Had a friend in a similar situation and because I took the most neutral route with her she came to me when she had concerns as she felt that everyone else was going to say "told you so" and not empathize with her.
Me too man. It's his first relationship ever and he is completely blind to the massive red flags. We've all tried talking to him about it and he just won't hear it.
Just one of those things he's going to have to figure out on his own the hard way.
Fine, whatever you want, just like always, whatever you want.
Whatever I want? It's never whatever I want. When I wanted to see Stomp, and you wanted to see Wicked, what did we see?
We saw Wicked.
When I said that I wanted to have kids, and you said, you wanted me to have a vasectomy, what did I do?
And then when you said that you might want to have kids and I wasn't so sure, Who had the vasectomy reversed?
And then when you said you defintely didn't want to have kids, who had it reversed back?
Snip snap! Snip snap! Snip snap! I did.
You have no idea the physical toll, that three vasectomies have on a person. And I bought this condo to fill with children.
Sadly, in these sorts of relationships, the person who cares the least has the most power. You could bend over backwards trying to please the other person, and it might keep them around in the short term, but it doesn't change the fact they don't really respect you. You know in your gut that if you ever actually stood your ground on any issue instead of giving in to them, things would end there and then.
"It was 'easier' to bend over backwards than to deal with the whining and complaining if I stood my ground." Yes, this is absolutely what happened when I experienced a toxic relationship!!! It's not that I was okay with what she did, it's that it was easier to just let her have her way and move on.
If someone is always talking crap about their partner whenever they are not together.
I've seen this far too many times, it's always ended in total disaster withing a few years at most.
Ugh, yup. I've listened to so many people complain about their partners and I just wonder: WHY are y'all together!? If I get a chance to talk about my bf, you can bet I'll start dishing out everything I love about him
This. My sister about my poor brother-in-law. They have been married for 17 years with no end in sight, he’s a tall handsome oak tree of a man with apparently infinite patience. I called her out on it when she tried to put me against him a year and a half ago and she took my nieces away from me as a response. Now they think I abandoned them just because I was the first one in my family to draw boundaries with her and stand up for myself. Really sucks and I can’t stand her.
This is how my wife is. Literally cannot react or think reasonably during the heat of the moment, whereas I naturally try to seize the moment and learn from it immediately. But she will come back to me later and we’re able to communicate effectively.
Just stinks that we’re such opposites when it comes to that!
I am similar and also autistic. During an argument emotion becomes overwhelming and my goal ultimately is to try to make my environment as serene as possible for reflection. If pushed to fight when trying to walk away I can say things I don’t want to say as sort of a fight response when my flight response has been taken from me. It’s very frustrating.
I once read that contempt is the #1 sign of a relationship on its deathbed. When partners don’t respect each other, it sets the stage for every other bad thing.
Having a partner in the relationship who insists that you *have* to fight in a relationship, otherwise you're not "passionate" about it. I've never had to deal with that personally - I've been married to my partner for 8 years and we almost never fight. But I heard a friend insist this and I was mortified for her relationships.
Ooooh you gave me some good PTSD of my last ex. Pretty sure verbatim "I want you to fight for me to show you care, I need to know you're passionate" it's because she thought I was cheating on her when she and I went to a party together, didn't leave each others sides, but a friend that's a girl said hi to me so I must have banged her in the bathroom. Sheesh
I married one like that. She justified her behavior because she had been cheated on all these horrible ways she said. Turns out it was a serious mental health issue and she **imagines** cheating and abuse then lashes out as if it actually happened - scary. Even after 10 years of marriage two children and me spending every waking moment with them she still caused rage fights about the things that never even happened.
Example... after I divorced her with a restraining order she filed a response statement that was make believe fictional tales of me the unhinged dangerous reckless hubby (I wasn't) "our daughters said daddy took the baby sitter to the bedroom and locked the door and they heard kissing, moaning, and bed shaking"
While she was court ordered out, I had hired a girl from [care.com](https://care.com) to come two our house 2x per week to help with laundry, keep the kids busy while I handled legal matters - ex wife was restrained for 90 days.
That was terrifying for my family and I to read. Yup, she told the court our age 5 and 8 daughters heard daddy banging the baby sitter. It happened in her mind of course.......so lets lie to the court. I see what ya did there sweetie. Also said I squeezed her neck and choked her so she couldn't breath. Not only did that not happen it's see exact same story she said about her ex-husband that she recycled and swapped my name in place.
Oooh, yeah. Mine had some trauma she took out on me. One bf was druggy and abusive, the next one was a rich dude who was abusive and cheated, then there was lil ole me making the medium bucks head over heels for her paying for their sins. "My ex used to do all these great things for me" "oh yeah, well (my ex), those worked out pretty well for you didn't they?"
I got screamed at for that. Worth it though
Well, in my only relationship I never insisted on "fight", I insisted on conversation, however any minor disagreement my partner considered a fight and refused to talk about in ever again. At the end we could talk only about works (we had almost the same occupationl, dance(mutual hobby) and some stupid stuff, like shopping in AliExpress.
No communication can be used in this way too by the way: when they are upset and you ask "what's wrong, how can I change, how can I help the situation, how can I be better etc" their response is "I shouldn't have to tell you, you should already know this, if you really loved me you'd already know etc" Basically you should be a mind reader and already know what they need etc so whats the point of communication?
If someone doesn't have the emotional maturity to at least tell you why they're upset despite repeated, verbal efforts on your part to find out that's not on you.
Counter-counter to this: When the SO has been making complaints and legimltimate attempts to get their partner to help around the house, with the kids, with chores, with just life in general... and is always met with ok I'll do better, or even no real response at all... and then one day just stops complaining and reverts to "I shouldn't have to tell you" because really, they already have you just weren't listening... Ya know?
I gave up with my ex. She was the one who said we needed to work on our communication. First time I said “Can we talk about” whatever was bothering me, it went completely sideways, because I was obviously the reason she did the thing that bothered me. It was a lose lose situation.
I am recently divorced and this was the same shit I went through. Always asked me to communicate better, and speak up when I am upset. Yet, when I brought up an issue there was always a justification or excuse as to why she wasn't at fault, but she would daily pick at me for the smallest issues. Sometimes weeks later after it wasn't an issue any longer she would admit she was wrong, but never in the moment. It made me quit trying after years of it, and eventually we just pittered out.
Similar boat. Honestly, we were both doing it to each other, but every time one of us brought up something we were upset or bothered about the other person would respond with their own separate issue. It was a death spiral and we just weren't good for one another anymore.
Lol and then trying to explain to the that the reason you bottle things up is because they have a freakout every time you bring something up, they admit they can get "a little emotional sometimes", but claim that you're also bad at communicating, so you "both have your issues to work on".
Only at that point, your brain is so scrambled from constant anxiety, and emotional outbursts that you go "Yes, this sounds like a reasonable and mature conclusion" and blame yourself for not communicating "well enough".
Deadass knew someone who said that they wanted to work on being more constructive and a better communicator, and then not even a week later they went on a 3-day tirade because I said that I didn’t like Destiny 2 (video game)
I don’t talk to them anymore
Someone who does not let you have a life outside of the relationship and gets upset when you see friends or do hobbies you like, even if you make time for them.
Quick addendum to that-- if your shared responsibilities have changed during the relationship, the amount of free time you each have for hobbies will have changed. A partner that complains you spend too much time playing video games when you are just dating and don't even live together is probably being controlling. A partner that complains you spend too much time playing video games when you've got three kids together might actually be saying that they feel the labor distribution in your house is unfair. If you have joint responsibilities like a house or kids, you should both have a roughly equal amount of free time to pursue your own interests, or come to an alternative arrangement that you're both happy about.
I see a lot of couples who start to fight because one partner's life changed a lot after having kids, and the other one's life didn't change much. The person who gets to go have hobbies and free time will often point at the healthy, happy children and say, "look, they're fine, of course it's okay that I go do x with my friends" not acknowledging the kids are only okay because of the other parent's hard work.
15ish years ago I went through this in my early 20s. Mum told me it was toxic, I got mad and said she didn't understand and it was a sign we were meant to be together cause we couldn't stay apart 🙄
God I wish I had listened to her and wasn't an idiot. Makes me cringe
I feel like this is a lesson that a lot of us have to learn at some point or another, so at least you went through that in your early 20s :) dating at that age is usually messy in some way or another.
I went through a similar situation at a similar time, and now at 29, am grateful I learned it back then instead of now when I have way more going on (career, etc.)
Did that for 4 years before I finally bit the bullet and broke up for the last time.
3 *years* later, he's calling me telling me how much better he's doing in a new province (good for him! I was happy to hear) and wanted to get back together.
Now, we were both quite toxic to each other during the course of our relationship. I told him it didn't work the first, second, third.....29th time. We were just bad for each other, but I was super happy and proud of him for moving provinces and making life better for himself
He had one of his friends call me to try to talk him up. No. We're not teenagers, I don't need this.
Anyway, last I heard, he was with someone and had a kid. So, I hope life is treating him right :)
I truly believe people can change from being a toxic partner…but most likely not with the same person they were toxic to. No matter how much a person has grown it’s far too familiar and easy to slip into the same patterns.
You weren’t just smart not to get back together, you were wise.
Edit: obviously there are exceptions
I’m currently back together with someone after having broken up for a few months. It’s going well but I’m the back of my mind I worry if the fact that we broke up even once means that it’s probably not the right relationship. Do you think one breakup is a bad sign of more to come?
If it helps, i know of exactly one relationship where they broke up, were separated for like 2-3 years, reconnected after working on themselves (cause of breakup was severe mental illness leading to poor choices), got back together happier and more stable than ever and are now married. So it certainly is possible just rare and requires a lot of self-improvement to avoid the same issues that lead to the original break up
This is me and my partner. Broke up for almost 4 years and recently got married. Genuinely happy and healthy together.
So it's definitely possible BUT it required a lot of effort from both of us completely separate to each other.
We both had to work really hard on ourselves and our issues and once we got back together we had to continue a lot of that work to make sure we didn't slide back into old habits.
If one or both of you haven't actually grown and aren't committed to keeping up the effort I don't think getting back together can work.
I’m not an expert. But I think patterns of behavior are important to look for in this sort of situation. If it happens again where y’all breakup and then get back together again that’s a pattern forming, and would be a sign for concern imo. But there’s almost always more aspects of the relationship that would make it toxic and one breakup doesn’t necessarily mean that’s the direction it’s going in. It’d probably be a good idea to talk about it with your partner if your worries linger
Not necessarily. Most people who do this are locked in a codependent cycle and weaponize it to "get back" at each other, to sleep with another person, and to make the other jealous. It's a petty cycle that shows some serious communication issues typically from both parties. Breaking up is used as a punishment.
I am an angry person, I always have been, and I have struggled with it my entire life. Shortly after getting married, I experienced some trauma in my life that really messed me up for a while, and it went unaddressed for years. Fast forward a few years; I became very bitter, angry, resentful, judgemental, and all while feeling like I was just being misunderstood simply due to my passion being mistaken as anger, and thinking I was fine from the trauma. I started to really become an awful spouse, an awful man, someone that I hated and was ashamed of because of how I would talk to and treat my wife. I became a man that I would never let my daughters date, let alone marry. We would argue...well, I would turn everything into an argument and then lose my temper at her for a number of perceived slights. Slights that never happened because I would interrupt her so she couldn't ever say anything and only be yelled at. It was like clockwork. I did some very real emotional damage to my wife, making her feel like a small person in her own skin. I made her question why I didn't love her the way she loved me anymore or if I even loved her. It wasn't until we had a night of deep heart to heart conversation (after a blow-up fight) that she told me those things. She told me she didn't want to upset me and get yelled for feeling that way, so she didn't say anything before. She didn't want me to make her cry anymore.
I realized how fucked up it had gotten in that moment. I heard her loud and clear for the first time. I was so sick to my stomach, looking at her as she cried and told me all of this with a look of ... the utmost apprehension uncertainty on her face. I saw myself for what I had become, a verbally and emotionally abusive husband. I got myself into therapy the following week, got on some anxiety medication, and addressed the trauma that was the catalyst for me losing my way. I have been doing that for 3 years now.
I cry a lot typing this stuff, I don't talk about it much because it exposes the worst side of me, a side that I have some real self loathing over, but mainly because I can see her face in my mind when I talk or think about it. I see her crying while I scream at her, see her desperation to disappear. I was truly vile to her, all while she kept fighting for us and loving me harder. She was so desperate for me to love her, to just love her again and not hate her. She thought I hated her... I still have a hard time with that one. I was so bad, so angry and mean that my wife, the love of my life and mother of my children, thought I hated her.
I only bring this up and go off on my tangent because I did this to her all the time, attacked her for defending herself, and I almost ruined my life over it. Over anger and the desire to be in control of something/someone simply because I had no control over my own feelings or emotions anymore. I was blinded by trauma, rage, depression, and anxiety, and I lost myself in it. I hurt the kindest person I have ever met, someone I promised to love and cherish forever, and I gave her some of the worst times I her life.
Please, anyone who struggles with this, with anger or unchecked emotions, etc., please talk to someone. Don't let it get to the point that you hurt those around you that you care for most. Don't let it force you to hate yourself when you look in the mirror. Don't let it get to the point that you lose your temper and hurt someone physically as well.
If you are someone who has to deal with the brunt end of this type of scenario, please don't sit and take it. Please talk to someone, anyone. Please know you are worthy and you are not alone. You are not all of the awful things someone has made you feel about yourself. Please don't stay and ignore things until they get violent. Please don't let yourself be made to feel worthless by anyone else.
Edit: I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for their kind words of encouragement and support. While I am proud that I didn't ruin my life with my anger, it makes me a little uncomfortable getting any recognition or admiration sent my way for doing so. That all goes to my wife. She is truly the most amazing woman.
This is a really hard thing to own up to, and for what it’s worth from one Internet stranger to another, you should take comfort and pride in the progress you’ve made so far.
My father is a angry man. He suffered abuse as a child (or “firm parenting” as it was known back in the day). But understanding my dad’s trauma didn’t make him any easier to live with. I can never have a genuine, loving relationship with my father because unlike you, my father considers his anger to be natural for men.
You’re putting in the effort to strengthen your relationship with your loved ones, and it’s so good to hear that there are men like you out there who want to be good husbands and fathers.
My dad was never an angry dad, but he is _becoming_ one and I have no idea how to deal with it.
I'm almost thirty, so this isn't an issue of being stuck under his roof or anything. More so, just...not wanting to lose my dad.
He has always been my Superman. All I ever wanted was to be him, and now he's changing. Obviously I grew up and realised he wasn't perfect, but it's not that. He's getting worse. He's starting to do the things the above commentor described. Nowhere near as drastic, but he just gets angry. He sees percieved slights against him everywhere. He thinks we, his family, gang up on him. He starts issues with my mom and then puts her down harshly for defending herself.
These days he calls me a 'mummy's boy' not realising that I've idolised him since day one and I only seem that way because he's losing me. I can sit across a table from my mom and talk for hours but I can't talk to my dad for ten minutes. He just monologues about something for far too long and then goes back to watching dumb videos on his phone. It breaks my heart and no matter how many times I try to convey it he just sees it as some sort of conspiracy against him.
I'm terrified that I either have to put up with this for the rest of my life, or not be around him anymore. No visits, no communication. If it gets worse I'm not going to want to be around him. My mom isn't going to want to be. My siblings won't want to be. The best man I ever knew is becoming someone I find it difficult to be around and I don't know how to reach him.
After typing all of that, I kind of got really upset from my shitty walk down memory lane. So it doesn't hurt hearing someone is proud of me/us. Stranger or not, thank you.
I try to feel that way, and some days, it works. I am not quite there yet, I am still working through the guilt and shame of how awful I was, but I try. Thank you, truly.
As another stranger on the internet, I'm proud of you too. A lot of people in that kind of situation don't ever get out of it. I'm glad you and your wife are doing better.
It takes a lot of guts to be willing to admit this about yourself, for strangers on the internet to judge you on.
Im proud of you for getting help, and for seeing how you were, and trying hard to not be the person before the trauma, because you can't go back to that, however being a better person *now*, and learning how to cope and live and be human.
I am proud of your wife, that through her fear, she was and is honest with you. That had to have been a terrifying moment, and she still did it. She still has that fear most likely, and I assume she sees a therapist as well?
Mental health is nothing to fuck around with on your own.
I'm proud of both of you.
Driving home from work you take a detour so the drive lasts longer.
Edit. I see a lot of comments about this kind of relationship with an ex. I’m glad some of you are out. For the rest of you in this cycle, don’t know what to tell you, but major hugs.
There was a study years ago about commuting long hours in traffic and why some people did it. Some were to have a bigger house, financial issues etc, but there was a large percentage of workers who it turned out did it because it was the only time in their day where they could have some peace and happiness.
oh man, that's super sad. I don't really enjoy my job but the hardest part of the day is the commute home cuz it feels like it takes forever to get from a thing I don't like to a thing I like: being home with my wife.
Just be glad you have something good to go home to!
But id say try to find things to do in the car or train on your commute. I call my one friend and talk to him, call my mom, listen to podcasts etc.
In the car, by myself is where I am happiest. I've sometimes fallen asleep in the parking lot at work after a shift. Just put on music, lay head back into the headrest and mentally shut off.
I often sit in my car 10-20 minutes in my garage after coming home to decompress, sometimes im checking messaged, listening to music/podcast, or just literally zoning out although i currently live alone and there is minimal stress to avoid inside my home
I do this, not because of a toxic relationship. Just that sometimes I want to put a little extra time for myself between work responsibilities and home responsibilities. The drive is a little break.
Married my first ever girlfriend after a lonely friendless childhood. I had nothing going on socially, so just adopting her lifestyle with friends was great. Except 15 years later I'm realizing that we've never developed a language of play or something that's "us". We just keep doing the things she's always enjoyed.
Basically I married a level 2 friend and am now realizing that there are levels of friends above that.
It's super lonely not being able to mentally connect with your spouse. We don't have any established routines that aren't "her things" or are just-because things. No shared tv shows, music, board games, subjects to talk about, movies to watch, activities outside the house to do, no inside jokes, no shorthand language of play/sex/banter, we can't discuss things that she's not knowledgeable about - I can tell her things but then the conversation dies.
We live together like roommates and only talk about what's on the calendars on the wall or things that have happened in or around our small town.
I feel the most alone when I'm alone with her.
Lack of autonomy.
Things like having to vet every little thing you do with a partner, being isolated from outside relationships and not self actualizing outside of the context of "part of a couple".
There is usually a power imbalance or at the very least an unhealthy level of codependency.
This was my last relationship to a tee. We were unhealthily codependent. I lost most of my hobbies and most of my friends during that time. If I went and did my own thing, my phone was a constant stream of messages ranging from "I miss you" to "How much longer will you be?". We got into a fight because I was helping my dad with some housework and didn't know how long it would take. When I bought my second car, it was a manual transmission that I didn't know how to drive. She messaged constantly wondering where I was and how long it would take.
She joined the theater club at our college and I was happy for her. She had something to do outside of class that didn't involve me. When I got sucked into the theater group (it was often joked that the theater was like a black hole and just being nearby would pull you in) and she got a little upset with me and her parents got mad at me for not giving her space.
Our relationship put a massive strain on the relationship that I have with my entire family. I basically didn't see them for the years that we dated. But every time, they would warn me that my relationship wasn't healthy and that we were codependent.
Since then, I've had to find entirely new hobbies and rebuild myself from the ground up. I have new friends now, I have a great relationship with my parents and siblings and am genuinely in a better place. But even still, I haven't been able to find another romantic partner. My mind won't let me. I just imagine that it will be that again despite the fact that all around me I am surrounded by happy, healthy relationships.
If you're reading this and it sounds familiar you need to seriously evaluate your relationship and your life. You are more than your relationship.
We had a friend who would not speak until after her boyfriend spoke. One night she was over for dinner without him and mentioned how her boyfriend was passionate and sometimes put his fist through their walls. After that comment she came to help me do dishes and I was like, “uh, that’s not normal. You ok? Last time I punched a wall I was a 14 year old boy…” she eventually left him but the fact that she always demurred to him, to me, is a red flag.
My best childhood friend, not even close to a dummy, once told me about her then BF punching a wall when she was (stupidly) talking about an ex she was infatuated with. She was gushing saying "He must love me so much to be so jealous!" I did explain that that was dumb and she agreed... then they got married.
One person does all of the housework/cooking/chores/shopping/maintenance/childcare, yet the other person continues to complain that they don't do it right.
ooooffffff, the hardest part is when they have to do it every once in a while and now you hear "I have been doing this/Im the only one doing this".
It hurts :(
Seen this with my dad. Mom does all the housework and she doesn’t complain. Dad has to do the dishes one time and we get a whole ass essay on the family gc about how we need to be responsible and he’s sick and tired of picking up the slack and he’s not the family’s maid etc etc.
And the reason me and my siblings don’t speak up is cos we don’t want to deal with his sulking and “mutual destruction” reaction. Like when he complains about the cat litter, if we bring up he also doesn’t help with it, his solution would be to threaten to give the cat away. When he complains all we do is watch tv, if we point out he also watched netflix while mom does the dishes, he’ll say “Fine, I guess I’ll just throw the tv if you’re so mad at me watching it”
Now we just ignore his whining
My dad is also a useless husband.
My mum does pretty much everything for him besides showering him and wiping his ass.
When mum finally has enough and gets mad at him, he comes to us kids and goes "can you do the dishes, mums getting upset that we don't do anything"
No, mum is getting upset because she is a mother to her husband. She is upset because you do nothing.
I actually loathe my dad. He has never done an ounce of parenting either. I was so God damn alone my entire childhood because I only had one parent basically, who worked full time and spent the rest doing housework.
Gaslighting. Or the idea that whatever you say can make them mad, so you start choosing every word way too carefully / end up not speaking your mind to avoid a fight
I didn't realize the damage I'd incurred from a few of my past relationships until (so far) five people over as many months told me to stop apologizing for things I'm not responsible for.
This is the kind of thing that leaks into a person's life outside of their relationship, that feeling of needing to tiptoe around eggshells so as not to wake up the beast, so to speak.
I know someone who gaslights. I didn’t think he knew what the concept of it was. Then he mentioned someone being a gaslighter. I was floored. I think my jaw literally fell open. How can you know what it is and still do it?
This, i got to the point in my last relationship where it felt like if i didnt text her at least once per hour she would be upset with me, but it was so unpredictable as to what would set her off when i did text her. So it was a catch22 situation, either i text her and 9/10 times shes angry at me, or i dont text her and shes gets mad at me.
I’ve had one seriously toxic relationship. It was terrible.
For me, what the giveaway was simply how I felt. I realized I felt extremely invalidated constantly with my partner. I was constantly confused as to why they were either so angry or how they came to whatever conclusion they came to. Every situation was turned around on me even if I came to them with a valid concern.
And we’d get into arguments that literally went in circles. And it almost always ended with extremely passionate sex with zero resolution of the original issue.
Rinse. Repeat.
“Mindfuck” is what I would best describe being in a toxic relationship. You know it’s bad for you yet you keep coming back for more. And you can’t fully articulate why.
For my family, how they could tell we were in a toxic relationship, is how my partner spoke about me. I didn’t pick up on it but I was told to listen how she talks about me to others. She would lift herself up while almost simultaneously putting me down. Example: “Yeah, when he’s not with me he’s just a normal guy, but when I show up all eyes are on us.”
Near the end, I noticed I would lie to friends and family about our relationship and/or defend her actions just so they could like her and so I didn’t feel ashamed for staying with someone like that.
I do not recommend. The sex wasn’t worth it.
I had the great experience of hanging out with my younger brother and a friend group of his and they were just arguing the whole time…never again ruined my day.
You dread seeing them. They suck all of the joy out of a room. You feel too anxious to leave, in fear that they will hurt themselves/make it extremely difficult for you.
"They won't let me" *LET* you??
ETA I am NOT referring to times when one is using the other to get out of something. Nor am I referring to completely reasonable "lets" like owning a pet that can't be sustained or an obnoxious behavior being prohibited at designated times. I'm referring to "won't let me talk to so and so" "won't let me wear xyz" "won't let me see family" "won't let me go out" that kind of let not a completely reasonable let.
The what abouts in the comments are, honestly, frustrating me. The prompt is about toxic relationships. My "let" is referring to toxic relationships. So the comments being like "what about this totally healthy context" is just...grrr Please use your best judgment. That's all I ask.
It's not always the one not being allowed to do what they want that's the toxic fucknuckle, but one of them is deffo the toxic fucknuckle.
Specifically remembering "He would not let me take my own baby to the homeopathic doctor I trust, and instead took her to a pharma-shilling hospital, and they gave her vaccinations and drugs, for a her rash! He poisoned her!" from what I can absolutely assure you is the sort of crazy I wouldn't have stuck my dick into if the alternative was a burning barbecue.
Very good point, my ex thought I was controlling because I “wouldn’t let her do stuff she liked” but the things I said I’d leave her for were things like sneaking around with her ex or blacking out and “not remembering what I did last night”
For real, my ex tried to tell people I socially isolated him because I wouldn’t “let” him hang out with a guy who assaulted me. Which, I actually never stopped him, I just questioned why he would want to hang out with someone like that.
If you find yourself putting in more effort more often into the relationship.
Whenever you bring up some issues your having they make you feel bad for sharing how you feel.
They weaponize sex.
*edit when I say weaponize sex I mean that they use sex as a way of control, and yes I am well aware both Men and Women do this.
God, I wish someone had told me this before my last relationship. I learned the hard way that there's really no winning in this scenario:
* You bring something up when the time feels right to say it. They freak out, throw a tantrum, and make your life a living hell for multiple days.
* You bring up something when you feel they're in a good mood. The resulting freakout is slightly less than before, but now their upset at you for "ruining their day".
* You don't bring up things at all: The issues slowly build up until your mental and physical health is in the absolute gutter. You break down and bawl your eyes out while explaining the issue to them because the pain of holding it inside is almost worse than anything they could say to you. In the end, they tell you to work on your communication, and say that you bottling up your issues is "just as bad" as them throwing a tantrum, so you "both have your issues". They change absolutely nothing. When you bring up issues early like they suggested, they throw a tantrum, and the whole cycle starts over again.
Yup- if you bring it up when they're in a bad mood, you're insensitive and making their bad mood worse. If you bring it up when they're neutral or in a good mood, you're trying to put them in a bad mood.
And when you finally catch them in a "good mood" to bring up a problem with the relationship, they get all defensive and accuse you of ruining the mood.
Seriously, this one irks me to no end. If you're constantly bickering when you're out shopping or out with friends, please know that everyone who has to hear it fuuucking hates you.
If his wedding vows include the phrase “keep my belly full and my balls empty”.
Edit:
Here’s the article and video(s)
https://www.intheknow.com/post/grooms-disgusting-wedding-vows-red-flags/?amp
just saw that video too. can’t believe she followed through with marrying him, but then again, i don’t know what kind of relationship they have (founded on kink, perhaps?)
I've photographed over 125 weddings and I've never seen something so absolutely disgusting. I feel so bad for both of them...he thinks it's ok and she puts up with it.
I had an abusive girlfriend many years ago. She was bipolar and it caused a lot of problems. I remember the day I realized that things were fucked. I was driving out of the work parking lot, and my phone rang. My reaction when I saw my girlfriend was calling was "aw, fuck, what am I about to get screamed at about now?" And sure enough, I answer the phone and she's immediately screaming at me about some stupid shit I don't even remember.
Point is, if contact from your significant other stresses you out because you're expecting to get yelled at, that's a fucking toxic relationship.
Lack of friends on one side. I've known a couple people, who one of them wouldn't be "allowed" to have friends. Their only friends were the friends of their partner. Massive red flag.
I’m a female on the Autism spectrum, that doesn’t have any close friends. I fill my time with hobbies and my partner does as well. We see people whom we’d consider friends, at the gym. I feel like this narrative of a partner having no friends is problematic only if he/she tries to alienate the partner from his/her friends.
Oh yeah I have a friend who lightly teases her husband (of decades!) for not having his own friends, but he cheerfully points out that he prefers to stay home and he's perfectly happy to just spend time with *her* friends if she wants him to.
I think that might be a more old-fashioned thing at this point, though, this idea of the wife making the social arrangements of the partnership. But also it just has to do with him just being content as he is and not feeling the need to put effort into relationships outside of his marriage.
My grandparents were this way. My grandfather didn’t really have any friends outside of my grandmother, and he seemed content with that. Now that she’s gone, he’s having a tough time because he doesn’t have any sort of a social circle.
My great-uncle who was a very sweet, kind man had to tell a judge that he wanted to grant his wife a divorce b/c he was abusive to her.
This was in the 1970s, when you couldn't just go to a court and get a divorce.
In reality, she was abusive to him, and stole a bunch of his money.
Extremely long Facebook posts about their relationships.
Not being able to be themselves around their Significant Other
Not letting them be around their friends without them being there
My ex once pulled out a diary that she wanted to show me to "be open about her thoughts" and "lay them all on the table"
It was legit a full list of all the things she hated about me, written in the most deep and depressing way. About my career, lack of motivation, lack of communication, and how she doesn't find me unattractive. Her depression, that was my fault. It was the most deeply hurtful words written in a paragraph, conscribed in a such a way that would not paint her as a bad person for saying + tears.
I get I was going through a bad patch back then (as many were after covid). But fucking hell, looking back nobody should ever treat someone like that. End of the day, I was a 23 year old with flaws, and was still managing to hold our relationship together, we were okay.
3 months after we break up, I get offered a promotion within my company, 5 months after that I get offered another huge promotion. I went from £12k -> £25k -> £30k -> ~£55k all within the last 18 months. I haven't changed one bit either. Still 25 yrs.
Would never usually flex, but I'm proud and the proof is in the paycheck. I'm moving home, going skiing, spending time with mates, my life is good. Turns out those words were a load of shit.
When they are at a restaurant together and both of them are on the phone for the entire diner. And no, I don't mean some cute elderly couples who check their phone for messages from their grandchildren, I mean couples who actively ignore each other and both seem pissed about the fact that they are spending time together.
My close friend and his girlfriend, who I was good friends with too before they started dating, decided to cut me off because his girlfriend took selfies with me at an event. Apparently, they are <<*both*>> worried that she is going to cheat on him with me.
Lies.
Deceit is the root of all evil.
Deception. Hiding things.
Finding out your partner was convicted of crimes and lied about it, or cheated in a horrific way and lied about it, lived a double life, etc.
It causes a breakup in 100% of relationships involving untruths.
Learning you've been conned or lied to for years - it's not salvageable.
1. They are extremely argumentative and also hold onto grudges easily and won't let anything go without a fight.
2. They’re extremely negative and critical all of the time and they never offer anything positive to a discussion. This also extends to them never being happy for you in any way. E.g., getting good grades at school or a job promotion at work.
3. Due to this constant negativity, you cannot speak to them because you know that they will respond in this way, or feel that you are walking on egg shells around them because of their negativity.
4. They are verbally abusive. They'll insult you, call you names, etc, etc. They'll also belittle you, your hobbies and interests, as well as friends and family. They'll also use offensive language to that effect, e.g., calling your (actually decent) car a piece of junk or calling your friend a loser.
6. They are prone to physical violence.
7. They lack empathy towards other people.
8. Almost every time you would spend time with them or otherwise communicate like a phone call or a text message, there would always be some kind of agenda or ulterior motive behind it, because they want something from you and not to have a "normal" conversation.
9. They view you as a punching bag. Meaning that if they're having a bad day for whatever reason that had absolutely nothing to do with you, they'll lash out at you regardless.
10. They outright refuse to help you in absolutely any way whatsoever, even in difficult times. E.g., you are evicted and have nowhere else to stay - even if it's just one night - they'll refuse to help you. Or if they *do* choose to help you, they want something in return.
11. They do not respect your privacy. They'll repeatedly barge into your room, demand to know who you are phoning, etc.
12. They are never, ever wrong and refuse to ever apologise for anything. They think they can sweep their behaviour under the rug and act like nothing happened.
13. They might also give you the silent treatment and ignore you for prolonged periods of time without explanation. And then out of the blue they'll start speaking to you again like nothing happened.
14. When other people criticise you, they won't defend or support you in any way. In fact, they'll likely take the side of the other person criticising you.
15. They put conditions on their love towards you and having a relationship with you. I.e., do X or do Y, and only then will they be willing to spend time with you, etc.
16. They threaten cruel and unusual punishments for the smallest mistake or infraction. E.g., no meals for a week or locking you in your room for days like a prisoner. This might also extend to threatening to kick you out of the house and disown you completely as well for really minor things too.
17. They view you as a burden. They would avoid spending time with you if they could. You are made to feel that you should be grateful that they are "allowing" you to live in their home and having your other physical needs (food, clothes, etc) met when they could easily kick you out onto the street at a moment's notice.
18. They are prone to wild mood swings. One moment they'll appear to be "fine" and in a good mood, next moment they're angry and abusive. You never know what kind of mood they will be in on a given day. They get annoyed and angry at the smallest thing and saying the "wrong" thing would instantly change their mood for the worse.
19. Whenever they are harassing you with any kind of abuse (whether physical or verbal, etc) and you plainly ask/tell them to stop, they'll ignore you and continue regardless. Either they lack the genuine empathy, or they just don't care in the slightest about the harm that they cause others.
20. When you attempt to address a legitimate grievance with them or otherwise confront them about their behaviour towards you, they'll attempt to invalidate your feelings and justify their behaviour towards you.
21. They accuse you of poor character or are otherwise very accusatory. E.g., when you are looking for a job, they're calling you lazy or saying that you "have a bad attitude" and you don't want to work. However, these accusations would very often be completely unfounded and it's just an extension of their abuse.
22. They view parenting as simply providing the physical needs of the child, i.e., providing a roof over their head and feeding and clothing the child. But caring about the child's happiness and mental wellbeing? Not a concern for them.
23. They have a massive ego when it comes to parenting. They think that because they're the parent, they are in a position to boss around their children and dictate what they can or can't do, even trivial things. "My house, my rules" is a common excuse here.
24. In the case of divorced parents; parental alienation. Meaning that one parent will constantly badmouth the other parent and otherwise make no secret of their hatred of them in an attempt to turn the child against said parent.
Unfair dynamics
The main one I think of is where one person says demeaning/disrespectful things and the other person is just supposed to "take it" but the second the other person says one comment back to them they get upset and indignant.
"He/she's not normally this way. We'll get through this once the bruising goes away. We just won't talk to each other until then. Then we'll be fine. Been doing this for years."
Someone who I'm actually helping through their latest fight that resulted in arrest.
When they misinterpret your actions and then rather than ask you about your intentions, they stonewall you and then blow up at you for not knowing why their mad.
If you find yourself walking on eggshells, you're in the toxic relationship.
Mine was being hit with a Doc Martin so many times that I though my arm was broken because I confronted her about her lying about cheating on her ex and then her saying if I left her she’d “beat the fuck” out of herself and tell her uncle that was a cop that I did it.
Gaslighting. I found myself taking notes on what GF said, because she would constantly change her mind and then tell me that I wasn’t listening. She’d ask me to pick up multigrain bread from the store. When I would return she’d ask why I didn’t get rye bread and call me incompetent when I said that I heard her ask for multigrain.
I started writing down everything mostly to prove that I wasn’t crazy to myself. My notes never proved anything to her which I couldn’t understand. I considered secretly recording our conversations and then took a step back to realize that I needed to leave.
From personal experience:
- your partner is much nicer to you when you have a disagreement in front of friends than when you have one at home - meaning that they *know* the way they actually handle it would not be publicly acceptable
- they invalidate your emotional experience and make you feel like what you're going through doesn't matter or "make any sense"
- when they leave the house you feel better; if they go away for a week you feel irritable when they're back
- they never make you feel like a priority, you're always second or third to their friends, their parents, their hobbies
My 57 year old colleague constantly has to send videos and pics of him working to his wife
Just wow
My ex always tried to make me do this. Fucking obnoxious. Guess who was eventually found out to never be where he said he was and was sneaking around instead? Lol.
If someone is mistrustful, it suggests they may not be trustworthy themselves, as their belief that others are untrustworthy assumes others will behave the way they would.
It's not only that but if you make someone spend all their energy proving that they are faithful, they don't have the mental capacity to even consider their partner might be the unfaithful one.
I found out the other week that my buddy has to send his girlfriend detailed notes with timestamps of legitimately everything he does while hanging out with the guys... 9:14 went down to the kitchen for a glass or water 9:15 stopped to pet the cats before heading upstairs 9:18 made it back upstairs and sat on the right side of the couch
Just be a good friend to him that way he will go to you when shiz hits the fan. Had a friend in a similar situation and because I took the most neutral route with her she came to me when she had concerns as she felt that everyone else was going to say "told you so" and not empathize with her.
Jesus Christ man, that’s just…I’m so sad for him.
Me too man. It's his first relationship ever and he is completely blind to the massive red flags. We've all tried talking to him about it and he just won't hear it. Just one of those things he's going to have to figure out on his own the hard way.
9:37pm, the guys try to talk to me about toxic relationship red flags, _again_.
Bros writing a full trip report for an evening with the boys to his gf I’m sorry but that is hilarious
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Fine, whatever you want, just like always, whatever you want. Whatever I want? It's never whatever I want. When I wanted to see Stomp, and you wanted to see Wicked, what did we see? We saw Wicked. When I said that I wanted to have kids, and you said, you wanted me to have a vasectomy, what did I do? And then when you said that you might want to have kids and I wasn't so sure, Who had the vasectomy reversed? And then when you said you defintely didn't want to have kids, who had it reversed back? Snip snap! Snip snap! Snip snap! I did. You have no idea the physical toll, that three vasectomies have on a person. And I bought this condo to fill with children.
Ohhhh now Michael and Jan are a great example of a toxic relationship
So... can we come in?
Sadly, in these sorts of relationships, the person who cares the least has the most power. You could bend over backwards trying to please the other person, and it might keep them around in the short term, but it doesn't change the fact they don't really respect you. You know in your gut that if you ever actually stood your ground on any issue instead of giving in to them, things would end there and then.
"It was 'easier' to bend over backwards than to deal with the whining and complaining if I stood my ground." Yes, this is absolutely what happened when I experienced a toxic relationship!!! It's not that I was okay with what she did, it's that it was easier to just let her have her way and move on.
If someone is always talking crap about their partner whenever they are not together. I've seen this far too many times, it's always ended in total disaster withing a few years at most.
Ugh, yup. I've listened to so many people complain about their partners and I just wonder: WHY are y'all together!? If I get a chance to talk about my bf, you can bet I'll start dishing out everything I love about him
Oh, but they look so perfect and happy in their Facebook posts.
This. My sister about my poor brother-in-law. They have been married for 17 years with no end in sight, he’s a tall handsome oak tree of a man with apparently infinite patience. I called her out on it when she tried to put me against him a year and a half ago and she took my nieces away from me as a response. Now they think I abandoned them just because I was the first one in my family to draw boundaries with her and stand up for myself. Really sucks and I can’t stand her.
Inability to take a step back, listen and analyze the other persons point and actually come to a conclusion during a conflict
Agreed, but sometimes I find that some alone time helps when trying to come to a conclusion for some things. Especially if emotions are high
This is how my wife is. Literally cannot react or think reasonably during the heat of the moment, whereas I naturally try to seize the moment and learn from it immediately. But she will come back to me later and we’re able to communicate effectively. Just stinks that we’re such opposites when it comes to that!
I am similar and also autistic. During an argument emotion becomes overwhelming and my goal ultimately is to try to make my environment as serene as possible for reflection. If pushed to fight when trying to walk away I can say things I don’t want to say as sort of a fight response when my flight response has been taken from me. It’s very frustrating.
Oh my gosh, I don't think I've ever related to a comment more.
I don’t think you understand - I’M RIGHT. Why would I need to listen to another perspective ? /s
Lack of trust and constant fights.
I once read that contempt is the #1 sign of a relationship on its deathbed. When partners don’t respect each other, it sets the stage for every other bad thing.
If you get to contempt you're definitely done and probably should have broken up much, much sooner.
Having a partner in the relationship who insists that you *have* to fight in a relationship, otherwise you're not "passionate" about it. I've never had to deal with that personally - I've been married to my partner for 8 years and we almost never fight. But I heard a friend insist this and I was mortified for her relationships.
Ooooh you gave me some good PTSD of my last ex. Pretty sure verbatim "I want you to fight for me to show you care, I need to know you're passionate" it's because she thought I was cheating on her when she and I went to a party together, didn't leave each others sides, but a friend that's a girl said hi to me so I must have banged her in the bathroom. Sheesh
I married one like that. She justified her behavior because she had been cheated on all these horrible ways she said. Turns out it was a serious mental health issue and she **imagines** cheating and abuse then lashes out as if it actually happened - scary. Even after 10 years of marriage two children and me spending every waking moment with them she still caused rage fights about the things that never even happened. Example... after I divorced her with a restraining order she filed a response statement that was make believe fictional tales of me the unhinged dangerous reckless hubby (I wasn't) "our daughters said daddy took the baby sitter to the bedroom and locked the door and they heard kissing, moaning, and bed shaking" While she was court ordered out, I had hired a girl from [care.com](https://care.com) to come two our house 2x per week to help with laundry, keep the kids busy while I handled legal matters - ex wife was restrained for 90 days. That was terrifying for my family and I to read. Yup, she told the court our age 5 and 8 daughters heard daddy banging the baby sitter. It happened in her mind of course.......so lets lie to the court. I see what ya did there sweetie. Also said I squeezed her neck and choked her so she couldn't breath. Not only did that not happen it's see exact same story she said about her ex-husband that she recycled and swapped my name in place.
Oooh, yeah. Mine had some trauma she took out on me. One bf was druggy and abusive, the next one was a rich dude who was abusive and cheated, then there was lil ole me making the medium bucks head over heels for her paying for their sins. "My ex used to do all these great things for me" "oh yeah, well (my ex), those worked out pretty well for you didn't they?" I got screamed at for that. Worth it though
Well, in my only relationship I never insisted on "fight", I insisted on conversation, however any minor disagreement my partner considered a fight and refused to talk about in ever again. At the end we could talk only about works (we had almost the same occupationl, dance(mutual hobby) and some stupid stuff, like shopping in AliExpress.
No communication and everything is a blame game with no acceptance of responsibility
No communication can be used in this way too by the way: when they are upset and you ask "what's wrong, how can I change, how can I help the situation, how can I be better etc" their response is "I shouldn't have to tell you, you should already know this, if you really loved me you'd already know etc" Basically you should be a mind reader and already know what they need etc so whats the point of communication?
Current SO is doing this, dont know how to fix things if they arent willing to talk about it as it occurs.
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If someone doesn't have the emotional maturity to at least tell you why they're upset despite repeated, verbal efforts on your part to find out that's not on you.
my buddy has been going thru this...for 15 years...tried therapy....just filed for divorce today...good luck
Counter-counter to this: When the SO has been making complaints and legimltimate attempts to get their partner to help around the house, with the kids, with chores, with just life in general... and is always met with ok I'll do better, or even no real response at all... and then one day just stops complaining and reverts to "I shouldn't have to tell you" because really, they already have you just weren't listening... Ya know?
When they say we need to work on our communication, but every time you bring anything up they get mad and start an argument.
THIS! How are we gonna work on communication if I don't even feel comfortable bringing things up, cause when I do it's a fight.
I gave up with my ex. She was the one who said we needed to work on our communication. First time I said “Can we talk about” whatever was bothering me, it went completely sideways, because I was obviously the reason she did the thing that bothered me. It was a lose lose situation.
I am recently divorced and this was the same shit I went through. Always asked me to communicate better, and speak up when I am upset. Yet, when I brought up an issue there was always a justification or excuse as to why she wasn't at fault, but she would daily pick at me for the smallest issues. Sometimes weeks later after it wasn't an issue any longer she would admit she was wrong, but never in the moment. It made me quit trying after years of it, and eventually we just pittered out.
Similar boat. Honestly, we were both doing it to each other, but every time one of us brought up something we were upset or bothered about the other person would respond with their own separate issue. It was a death spiral and we just weren't good for one another anymore.
Which leads to hallway sex…. Hallway sex is when you pass each other in the hall and she says, “fuck you”. And you say “fuck you too.”
That's a lot less fun than I expected from the first line.
Yeah. It's a lot more fun to pass each other in the hallway and just start doing it
Lol and then trying to explain to the that the reason you bottle things up is because they have a freakout every time you bring something up, they admit they can get "a little emotional sometimes", but claim that you're also bad at communicating, so you "both have your issues to work on". Only at that point, your brain is so scrambled from constant anxiety, and emotional outbursts that you go "Yes, this sounds like a reasonable and mature conclusion" and blame yourself for not communicating "well enough".
Deadass knew someone who said that they wanted to work on being more constructive and a better communicator, and then not even a week later they went on a 3-day tirade because I said that I didn’t like Destiny 2 (video game) I don’t talk to them anymore
You don't like Destiny 2? Do you strike your dog and hate black people, too? What's wrong with *you*? ^(/s of course. <3)
Someone who does not let you have a life outside of the relationship and gets upset when you see friends or do hobbies you like, even if you make time for them.
Quick addendum to that-- if your shared responsibilities have changed during the relationship, the amount of free time you each have for hobbies will have changed. A partner that complains you spend too much time playing video games when you are just dating and don't even live together is probably being controlling. A partner that complains you spend too much time playing video games when you've got three kids together might actually be saying that they feel the labor distribution in your house is unfair. If you have joint responsibilities like a house or kids, you should both have a roughly equal amount of free time to pursue your own interests, or come to an alternative arrangement that you're both happy about. I see a lot of couples who start to fight because one partner's life changed a lot after having kids, and the other one's life didn't change much. The person who gets to go have hobbies and free time will often point at the healthy, happy children and say, "look, they're fine, of course it's okay that I go do x with my friends" not acknowledging the kids are only okay because of the other parent's hard work.
That SpongeBob episode where Patrick pretended to go to work the entire time when they had the baby clam. Holeeey shit!
"Let's have another!"
So, this is the thanks i get for working overtime...
OVERTIMEEEEEEEE
Spongebob has a lot more social commentary than I picked up on as a kid. Also see "Squid on Strike," "Squirrel Jokes," and "Jellyfish Hunter."
Break up, make up, break up, make up, rinse, and repeat.
15ish years ago I went through this in my early 20s. Mum told me it was toxic, I got mad and said she didn't understand and it was a sign we were meant to be together cause we couldn't stay apart 🙄 God I wish I had listened to her and wasn't an idiot. Makes me cringe
>Makes me cringe I honestly think if you don't cringe about your past - you don't grow as a person. So good thing that you are cringing about that! xD
This is incredibly comforting.
Boy that makes me feel a lot better!🙂
I think we all have our moments.
I feel like this is a lesson that a lot of us have to learn at some point or another, so at least you went through that in your early 20s :) dating at that age is usually messy in some way or another. I went through a similar situation at a similar time, and now at 29, am grateful I learned it back then instead of now when I have way more going on (career, etc.)
Did that for 4 years before I finally bit the bullet and broke up for the last time. 3 *years* later, he's calling me telling me how much better he's doing in a new province (good for him! I was happy to hear) and wanted to get back together. Now, we were both quite toxic to each other during the course of our relationship. I told him it didn't work the first, second, third.....29th time. We were just bad for each other, but I was super happy and proud of him for moving provinces and making life better for himself He had one of his friends call me to try to talk him up. No. We're not teenagers, I don't need this. Anyway, last I heard, he was with someone and had a kid. So, I hope life is treating him right :)
I love this mindset. It’s okay to not be right for someone and still want the best for them. Good for you for choosing happiness for the both of you!
I truly believe people can change from being a toxic partner…but most likely not with the same person they were toxic to. No matter how much a person has grown it’s far too familiar and easy to slip into the same patterns. You weren’t just smart not to get back together, you were wise. Edit: obviously there are exceptions
This was my parents for my entire life lol. I remember growing up all I wanted was to have "normal" parents like my friends
That felt like david guetta
I’m currently back together with someone after having broken up for a few months. It’s going well but I’m the back of my mind I worry if the fact that we broke up even once means that it’s probably not the right relationship. Do you think one breakup is a bad sign of more to come?
If it helps, i know of exactly one relationship where they broke up, were separated for like 2-3 years, reconnected after working on themselves (cause of breakup was severe mental illness leading to poor choices), got back together happier and more stable than ever and are now married. So it certainly is possible just rare and requires a lot of self-improvement to avoid the same issues that lead to the original break up
This is me and my partner. Broke up for almost 4 years and recently got married. Genuinely happy and healthy together. So it's definitely possible BUT it required a lot of effort from both of us completely separate to each other. We both had to work really hard on ourselves and our issues and once we got back together we had to continue a lot of that work to make sure we didn't slide back into old habits. If one or both of you haven't actually grown and aren't committed to keeping up the effort I don't think getting back together can work.
I’m not an expert. But I think patterns of behavior are important to look for in this sort of situation. If it happens again where y’all breakup and then get back together again that’s a pattern forming, and would be a sign for concern imo. But there’s almost always more aspects of the relationship that would make it toxic and one breakup doesn’t necessarily mean that’s the direction it’s going in. It’d probably be a good idea to talk about it with your partner if your worries linger
It depends on what you learned from the first time and whether the things that made you break up have changed or not
Not necessarily. Most people who do this are locked in a codependent cycle and weaponize it to "get back" at each other, to sleep with another person, and to make the other jealous. It's a petty cycle that shows some serious communication issues typically from both parties. Breaking up is used as a punishment.
When the efforts toward the relationship are highly imbalanced, one doing the receiving, the other doing all the giving
Being yelled at/attacked for reacting to their abusive behavior.
I am an angry person, I always have been, and I have struggled with it my entire life. Shortly after getting married, I experienced some trauma in my life that really messed me up for a while, and it went unaddressed for years. Fast forward a few years; I became very bitter, angry, resentful, judgemental, and all while feeling like I was just being misunderstood simply due to my passion being mistaken as anger, and thinking I was fine from the trauma. I started to really become an awful spouse, an awful man, someone that I hated and was ashamed of because of how I would talk to and treat my wife. I became a man that I would never let my daughters date, let alone marry. We would argue...well, I would turn everything into an argument and then lose my temper at her for a number of perceived slights. Slights that never happened because I would interrupt her so she couldn't ever say anything and only be yelled at. It was like clockwork. I did some very real emotional damage to my wife, making her feel like a small person in her own skin. I made her question why I didn't love her the way she loved me anymore or if I even loved her. It wasn't until we had a night of deep heart to heart conversation (after a blow-up fight) that she told me those things. She told me she didn't want to upset me and get yelled for feeling that way, so she didn't say anything before. She didn't want me to make her cry anymore. I realized how fucked up it had gotten in that moment. I heard her loud and clear for the first time. I was so sick to my stomach, looking at her as she cried and told me all of this with a look of ... the utmost apprehension uncertainty on her face. I saw myself for what I had become, a verbally and emotionally abusive husband. I got myself into therapy the following week, got on some anxiety medication, and addressed the trauma that was the catalyst for me losing my way. I have been doing that for 3 years now. I cry a lot typing this stuff, I don't talk about it much because it exposes the worst side of me, a side that I have some real self loathing over, but mainly because I can see her face in my mind when I talk or think about it. I see her crying while I scream at her, see her desperation to disappear. I was truly vile to her, all while she kept fighting for us and loving me harder. She was so desperate for me to love her, to just love her again and not hate her. She thought I hated her... I still have a hard time with that one. I was so bad, so angry and mean that my wife, the love of my life and mother of my children, thought I hated her. I only bring this up and go off on my tangent because I did this to her all the time, attacked her for defending herself, and I almost ruined my life over it. Over anger and the desire to be in control of something/someone simply because I had no control over my own feelings or emotions anymore. I was blinded by trauma, rage, depression, and anxiety, and I lost myself in it. I hurt the kindest person I have ever met, someone I promised to love and cherish forever, and I gave her some of the worst times I her life. Please, anyone who struggles with this, with anger or unchecked emotions, etc., please talk to someone. Don't let it get to the point that you hurt those around you that you care for most. Don't let it force you to hate yourself when you look in the mirror. Don't let it get to the point that you lose your temper and hurt someone physically as well. If you are someone who has to deal with the brunt end of this type of scenario, please don't sit and take it. Please talk to someone, anyone. Please know you are worthy and you are not alone. You are not all of the awful things someone has made you feel about yourself. Please don't stay and ignore things until they get violent. Please don't let yourself be made to feel worthless by anyone else. Edit: I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for their kind words of encouragement and support. While I am proud that I didn't ruin my life with my anger, it makes me a little uncomfortable getting any recognition or admiration sent my way for doing so. That all goes to my wife. She is truly the most amazing woman.
This is a really hard thing to own up to, and for what it’s worth from one Internet stranger to another, you should take comfort and pride in the progress you’ve made so far. My father is a angry man. He suffered abuse as a child (or “firm parenting” as it was known back in the day). But understanding my dad’s trauma didn’t make him any easier to live with. I can never have a genuine, loving relationship with my father because unlike you, my father considers his anger to be natural for men. You’re putting in the effort to strengthen your relationship with your loved ones, and it’s so good to hear that there are men like you out there who want to be good husbands and fathers.
My dad was never an angry dad, but he is _becoming_ one and I have no idea how to deal with it. I'm almost thirty, so this isn't an issue of being stuck under his roof or anything. More so, just...not wanting to lose my dad. He has always been my Superman. All I ever wanted was to be him, and now he's changing. Obviously I grew up and realised he wasn't perfect, but it's not that. He's getting worse. He's starting to do the things the above commentor described. Nowhere near as drastic, but he just gets angry. He sees percieved slights against him everywhere. He thinks we, his family, gang up on him. He starts issues with my mom and then puts her down harshly for defending herself. These days he calls me a 'mummy's boy' not realising that I've idolised him since day one and I only seem that way because he's losing me. I can sit across a table from my mom and talk for hours but I can't talk to my dad for ten minutes. He just monologues about something for far too long and then goes back to watching dumb videos on his phone. It breaks my heart and no matter how many times I try to convey it he just sees it as some sort of conspiracy against him. I'm terrified that I either have to put up with this for the rest of my life, or not be around him anymore. No visits, no communication. If it gets worse I'm not going to want to be around him. My mom isn't going to want to be. My siblings won't want to be. The best man I ever knew is becoming someone I find it difficult to be around and I don't know how to reach him.
Hey, I want you, both you and your wife, to know that this random person is really proud of you both
After typing all of that, I kind of got really upset from my shitty walk down memory lane. So it doesn't hurt hearing someone is proud of me/us. Stranger or not, thank you.
It takes a really big person to actually identify and act to change negative personality traits like that. *You* should be proud of *yourself*.
I try to feel that way, and some days, it works. I am not quite there yet, I am still working through the guilt and shame of how awful I was, but I try. Thank you, truly.
As another stranger on the internet, I'm proud of you too. A lot of people in that kind of situation don't ever get out of it. I'm glad you and your wife are doing better.
It takes a lot of guts to be willing to admit this about yourself, for strangers on the internet to judge you on. Im proud of you for getting help, and for seeing how you were, and trying hard to not be the person before the trauma, because you can't go back to that, however being a better person *now*, and learning how to cope and live and be human. I am proud of your wife, that through her fear, she was and is honest with you. That had to have been a terrifying moment, and she still did it. She still has that fear most likely, and I assume she sees a therapist as well? Mental health is nothing to fuck around with on your own. I'm proud of both of you.
Constant heated verbal fights, using language where there is a clear lack of genuine respect for one another
Driving home from work you take a detour so the drive lasts longer. Edit. I see a lot of comments about this kind of relationship with an ex. I’m glad some of you are out. For the rest of you in this cycle, don’t know what to tell you, but major hugs.
There was a study years ago about commuting long hours in traffic and why some people did it. Some were to have a bigger house, financial issues etc, but there was a large percentage of workers who it turned out did it because it was the only time in their day where they could have some peace and happiness.
oh man, that's super sad. I don't really enjoy my job but the hardest part of the day is the commute home cuz it feels like it takes forever to get from a thing I don't like to a thing I like: being home with my wife.
Just be glad you have something good to go home to! But id say try to find things to do in the car or train on your commute. I call my one friend and talk to him, call my mom, listen to podcasts etc.
In the car, by myself is where I am happiest. I've sometimes fallen asleep in the parking lot at work after a shift. Just put on music, lay head back into the headrest and mentally shut off.
I often sit in my car 10-20 minutes in my garage after coming home to decompress, sometimes im checking messaged, listening to music/podcast, or just literally zoning out although i currently live alone and there is minimal stress to avoid inside my home
I do this, not because of a toxic relationship. Just that sometimes I want to put a little extra time for myself between work responsibilities and home responsibilities. The drive is a little break.
But I have to finish this episode of *Revisionist History*!
If you find yourself feeling alone in the relationship.
Out of the hundreds of comments I've scrolled through, this is the one that made me stop and think...
This thread is great confirmation of my decision to break up with my ex last may
I feel alone but it's probably just depression
Married my first ever girlfriend after a lonely friendless childhood. I had nothing going on socially, so just adopting her lifestyle with friends was great. Except 15 years later I'm realizing that we've never developed a language of play or something that's "us". We just keep doing the things she's always enjoyed. Basically I married a level 2 friend and am now realizing that there are levels of friends above that. It's super lonely not being able to mentally connect with your spouse. We don't have any established routines that aren't "her things" or are just-because things. No shared tv shows, music, board games, subjects to talk about, movies to watch, activities outside the house to do, no inside jokes, no shorthand language of play/sex/banter, we can't discuss things that she's not knowledgeable about - I can tell her things but then the conversation dies. We live together like roommates and only talk about what's on the calendars on the wall or things that have happened in or around our small town. I feel the most alone when I'm alone with her.
this one hurt 🥲
Lack of autonomy. Things like having to vet every little thing you do with a partner, being isolated from outside relationships and not self actualizing outside of the context of "part of a couple". There is usually a power imbalance or at the very least an unhealthy level of codependency.
This was my last relationship to a tee. We were unhealthily codependent. I lost most of my hobbies and most of my friends during that time. If I went and did my own thing, my phone was a constant stream of messages ranging from "I miss you" to "How much longer will you be?". We got into a fight because I was helping my dad with some housework and didn't know how long it would take. When I bought my second car, it was a manual transmission that I didn't know how to drive. She messaged constantly wondering where I was and how long it would take. She joined the theater club at our college and I was happy for her. She had something to do outside of class that didn't involve me. When I got sucked into the theater group (it was often joked that the theater was like a black hole and just being nearby would pull you in) and she got a little upset with me and her parents got mad at me for not giving her space. Our relationship put a massive strain on the relationship that I have with my entire family. I basically didn't see them for the years that we dated. But every time, they would warn me that my relationship wasn't healthy and that we were codependent. Since then, I've had to find entirely new hobbies and rebuild myself from the ground up. I have new friends now, I have a great relationship with my parents and siblings and am genuinely in a better place. But even still, I haven't been able to find another romantic partner. My mind won't let me. I just imagine that it will be that again despite the fact that all around me I am surrounded by happy, healthy relationships. If you're reading this and it sounds familiar you need to seriously evaluate your relationship and your life. You are more than your relationship.
We had a friend who would not speak until after her boyfriend spoke. One night she was over for dinner without him and mentioned how her boyfriend was passionate and sometimes put his fist through their walls. After that comment she came to help me do dishes and I was like, “uh, that’s not normal. You ok? Last time I punched a wall I was a 14 year old boy…” she eventually left him but the fact that she always demurred to him, to me, is a red flag.
My best childhood friend, not even close to a dummy, once told me about her then BF punching a wall when she was (stupidly) talking about an ex she was infatuated with. She was gushing saying "He must love me so much to be so jealous!" I did explain that that was dumb and she agreed... then they got married.
One person does all of the housework/cooking/chores/shopping/maintenance/childcare, yet the other person continues to complain that they don't do it right.
ooooffffff, the hardest part is when they have to do it every once in a while and now you hear "I have been doing this/Im the only one doing this". It hurts :(
Seen this with my dad. Mom does all the housework and she doesn’t complain. Dad has to do the dishes one time and we get a whole ass essay on the family gc about how we need to be responsible and he’s sick and tired of picking up the slack and he’s not the family’s maid etc etc. And the reason me and my siblings don’t speak up is cos we don’t want to deal with his sulking and “mutual destruction” reaction. Like when he complains about the cat litter, if we bring up he also doesn’t help with it, his solution would be to threaten to give the cat away. When he complains all we do is watch tv, if we point out he also watched netflix while mom does the dishes, he’ll say “Fine, I guess I’ll just throw the tv if you’re so mad at me watching it” Now we just ignore his whining
My dad is also a useless husband. My mum does pretty much everything for him besides showering him and wiping his ass. When mum finally has enough and gets mad at him, he comes to us kids and goes "can you do the dishes, mums getting upset that we don't do anything" No, mum is getting upset because she is a mother to her husband. She is upset because you do nothing. I actually loathe my dad. He has never done an ounce of parenting either. I was so God damn alone my entire childhood because I only had one parent basically, who worked full time and spent the rest doing housework.
Well my best friend died on my wedding day & my ex got annoyed and told me to stop crying. From a retrospect, that was kind of a red flag.
Oh my god thats awful (on so many levels). Im so sorry.
Gaslighting. Or the idea that whatever you say can make them mad, so you start choosing every word way too carefully / end up not speaking your mind to avoid a fight
And feeling responsible for everything that feels wrong in the relationship.
I didn't realize the damage I'd incurred from a few of my past relationships until (so far) five people over as many months told me to stop apologizing for things I'm not responsible for. This is the kind of thing that leaks into a person's life outside of their relationship, that feeling of needing to tiptoe around eggshells so as not to wake up the beast, so to speak.
Gaslighting would definitely be a dead giveaway but I think the problem is it can be very difficult to *know* you're beeing gaslit.
Gaslighting isn't a real thing. That's all in your head.
Yea, you're crazy if you think I'm gaslighting you, babe. This is just like you.
I know someone who gaslights. I didn’t think he knew what the concept of it was. Then he mentioned someone being a gaslighter. I was floored. I think my jaw literally fell open. How can you know what it is and still do it?
I already assume everything I say I going to piss someone off... I may need to do some soul searching.
This, i got to the point in my last relationship where it felt like if i didnt text her at least once per hour she would be upset with me, but it was so unpredictable as to what would set her off when i did text her. So it was a catch22 situation, either i text her and 9/10 times shes angry at me, or i dont text her and shes gets mad at me.
Crying all the time. Feeling worthless. Feeling scared to say what’s on your mind.
Whenever I get like this, I know it's not my husband but my depression. Depression sucks
If you are not lifted up by your partner, but pulled down.
I’ve had one seriously toxic relationship. It was terrible. For me, what the giveaway was simply how I felt. I realized I felt extremely invalidated constantly with my partner. I was constantly confused as to why they were either so angry or how they came to whatever conclusion they came to. Every situation was turned around on me even if I came to them with a valid concern. And we’d get into arguments that literally went in circles. And it almost always ended with extremely passionate sex with zero resolution of the original issue. Rinse. Repeat. “Mindfuck” is what I would best describe being in a toxic relationship. You know it’s bad for you yet you keep coming back for more. And you can’t fully articulate why. For my family, how they could tell we were in a toxic relationship, is how my partner spoke about me. I didn’t pick up on it but I was told to listen how she talks about me to others. She would lift herself up while almost simultaneously putting me down. Example: “Yeah, when he’s not with me he’s just a normal guy, but when I show up all eyes are on us.” Near the end, I noticed I would lie to friends and family about our relationship and/or defend her actions just so they could like her and so I didn’t feel ashamed for staying with someone like that. I do not recommend. The sex wasn’t worth it.
The constant need to bring up how well they’re doing whenever they’re not fighting… Only to repeat the fighting cycle
Based on personal experience... when you have to walk on eggshells because you're worried about how how they might react
Being bitchy to each other at group get together, I hate being around that.
I had the great experience of hanging out with my younger brother and a friend group of his and they were just arguing the whole time…never again ruined my day.
I’m friends with several couples who always do this which led me to believe it’s normal but… it doesn’t have to be.
When they treat you bad when nobody is watching
When they treat you bad in front of other people
When they treat you badly
You dread seeing them. They suck all of the joy out of a room. You feel too anxious to leave, in fear that they will hurt themselves/make it extremely difficult for you.
Constantly being accused of cheating. I would bring up a guy friend or a coworker and all of a sudden he'd think I'm fucking them.
A lot of ups and downs, extreme emotions involved, fighting but being unable or unwilling to split, trying to control the other person
"They won't let me" *LET* you?? ETA I am NOT referring to times when one is using the other to get out of something. Nor am I referring to completely reasonable "lets" like owning a pet that can't be sustained or an obnoxious behavior being prohibited at designated times. I'm referring to "won't let me talk to so and so" "won't let me wear xyz" "won't let me see family" "won't let me go out" that kind of let not a completely reasonable let. The what abouts in the comments are, honestly, frustrating me. The prompt is about toxic relationships. My "let" is referring to toxic relationships. So the comments being like "what about this totally healthy context" is just...grrr Please use your best judgment. That's all I ask.
It's not always the one not being allowed to do what they want that's the toxic fucknuckle, but one of them is deffo the toxic fucknuckle. Specifically remembering "He would not let me take my own baby to the homeopathic doctor I trust, and instead took her to a pharma-shilling hospital, and they gave her vaccinations and drugs, for a her rash! He poisoned her!" from what I can absolutely assure you is the sort of crazy I wouldn't have stuck my dick into if the alternative was a burning barbecue.
Very good point, my ex thought I was controlling because I “wouldn’t let her do stuff she liked” but the things I said I’d leave her for were things like sneaking around with her ex or blacking out and “not remembering what I did last night”
For real, my ex tried to tell people I socially isolated him because I wouldn’t “let” him hang out with a guy who assaulted me. Which, I actually never stopped him, I just questioned why he would want to hang out with someone like that.
If you find yourself putting in more effort more often into the relationship. Whenever you bring up some issues your having they make you feel bad for sharing how you feel. They weaponize sex. *edit when I say weaponize sex I mean that they use sex as a way of control, and yes I am well aware both Men and Women do this.
Behold Perry! The sexinator 9000
If you have to wait until your S/O is in a "good mood" to bring up a problem you have in the relationship (get out asap)
God, I wish someone had told me this before my last relationship. I learned the hard way that there's really no winning in this scenario: * You bring something up when the time feels right to say it. They freak out, throw a tantrum, and make your life a living hell for multiple days. * You bring up something when you feel they're in a good mood. The resulting freakout is slightly less than before, but now their upset at you for "ruining their day". * You don't bring up things at all: The issues slowly build up until your mental and physical health is in the absolute gutter. You break down and bawl your eyes out while explaining the issue to them because the pain of holding it inside is almost worse than anything they could say to you. In the end, they tell you to work on your communication, and say that you bottling up your issues is "just as bad" as them throwing a tantrum, so you "both have your issues". They change absolutely nothing. When you bring up issues early like they suggested, they throw a tantrum, and the whole cycle starts over again.
Quick update. It's never a good time.
Yup- if you bring it up when they're in a bad mood, you're insensitive and making their bad mood worse. If you bring it up when they're neutral or in a good mood, you're trying to put them in a bad mood.
And when you finally catch them in a "good mood" to bring up a problem with the relationship, they get all defensive and accuse you of ruining the mood.
And sometimes instead of bringing up the problem, you'd rather say nothing than ruin a rare good mood.
fighting in public
Seriously, this one irks me to no end. If you're constantly bickering when you're out shopping or out with friends, please know that everyone who has to hear it fuuucking hates you.
If his wedding vows include the phrase “keep my belly full and my balls empty”. Edit: Here’s the article and video(s) https://www.intheknow.com/post/grooms-disgusting-wedding-vows-red-flags/?amp
That was such an uncomfortable wedding
The worst part is that she believes that’s the treatment she deserves.
just saw that video too. can’t believe she followed through with marrying him, but then again, i don’t know what kind of relationship they have (founded on kink, perhaps?)
I've photographed over 125 weddings and I've never seen something so absolutely disgusting. I feel so bad for both of them...he thinks it's ok and she puts up with it.
I had an abusive girlfriend many years ago. She was bipolar and it caused a lot of problems. I remember the day I realized that things were fucked. I was driving out of the work parking lot, and my phone rang. My reaction when I saw my girlfriend was calling was "aw, fuck, what am I about to get screamed at about now?" And sure enough, I answer the phone and she's immediately screaming at me about some stupid shit I don't even remember. Point is, if contact from your significant other stresses you out because you're expecting to get yelled at, that's a fucking toxic relationship.
Your feelings are being invalidated, "You got mad at that?" when you say you're upset by something that they did.
Calling each other babe way too much.Getting multiple vasectomies.Throwing a dundie at the Plasma TV
You actually had me until the throwing of the dundie
Snip snap! Snap Snip!
Do you know the physical toll that three vasectomies has on a person?
Lack of friends on one side. I've known a couple people, who one of them wouldn't be "allowed" to have friends. Their only friends were the friends of their partner. Massive red flag.
I’m a female on the Autism spectrum, that doesn’t have any close friends. I fill my time with hobbies and my partner does as well. We see people whom we’d consider friends, at the gym. I feel like this narrative of a partner having no friends is problematic only if he/she tries to alienate the partner from his/her friends.
Yes, alienation is the key part of this.
Oh yeah I have a friend who lightly teases her husband (of decades!) for not having his own friends, but he cheerfully points out that he prefers to stay home and he's perfectly happy to just spend time with *her* friends if she wants him to. I think that might be a more old-fashioned thing at this point, though, this idea of the wife making the social arrangements of the partnership. But also it just has to do with him just being content as he is and not feeling the need to put effort into relationships outside of his marriage.
My grandparents were this way. My grandfather didn’t really have any friends outside of my grandmother, and he seemed content with that. Now that she’s gone, he’s having a tough time because he doesn’t have any sort of a social circle.
If someone refuses to apologize for any reason, ever. It means they put their pride before the person they are with and the relationship.
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My great-uncle who was a very sweet, kind man had to tell a judge that he wanted to grant his wife a divorce b/c he was abusive to her. This was in the 1970s, when you couldn't just go to a court and get a divorce. In reality, she was abusive to him, and stole a bunch of his money.
Extremely long Facebook posts about their relationships. Not being able to be themselves around their Significant Other Not letting them be around their friends without them being there
My ex once pulled out a diary that she wanted to show me to "be open about her thoughts" and "lay them all on the table" It was legit a full list of all the things she hated about me, written in the most deep and depressing way. About my career, lack of motivation, lack of communication, and how she doesn't find me unattractive. Her depression, that was my fault. It was the most deeply hurtful words written in a paragraph, conscribed in a such a way that would not paint her as a bad person for saying + tears. I get I was going through a bad patch back then (as many were after covid). But fucking hell, looking back nobody should ever treat someone like that. End of the day, I was a 23 year old with flaws, and was still managing to hold our relationship together, we were okay. 3 months after we break up, I get offered a promotion within my company, 5 months after that I get offered another huge promotion. I went from £12k -> £25k -> £30k -> ~£55k all within the last 18 months. I haven't changed one bit either. Still 25 yrs. Would never usually flex, but I'm proud and the proof is in the paycheck. I'm moving home, going skiing, spending time with mates, my life is good. Turns out those words were a load of shit.
Flex away homie, sounds like you're doing great!
If you constantly make compromises just to appease them and you are always the bad guy.
When they are at a restaurant together and both of them are on the phone for the entire diner. And no, I don't mean some cute elderly couples who check their phone for messages from their grandchildren, I mean couples who actively ignore each other and both seem pissed about the fact that they are spending time together.
you feel uncomfortable around them
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My close friend and his girlfriend, who I was good friends with too before they started dating, decided to cut me off because his girlfriend took selfies with me at an event. Apparently, they are <<*both*>> worried that she is going to cheat on him with me.
Wait.... she was worried that she would cheat with you? Lol. Yeah that should have been a huuuuuge red flag for your close friend
Puts you down or makes snide comments (in front of your friends). Not being able to say sorry when they are wrong.
Lies. Deceit is the root of all evil. Deception. Hiding things. Finding out your partner was convicted of crimes and lied about it, or cheated in a horrific way and lied about it, lived a double life, etc. It causes a breakup in 100% of relationships involving untruths. Learning you've been conned or lied to for years - it's not salvageable.
1. They are extremely argumentative and also hold onto grudges easily and won't let anything go without a fight. 2. They’re extremely negative and critical all of the time and they never offer anything positive to a discussion. This also extends to them never being happy for you in any way. E.g., getting good grades at school or a job promotion at work. 3. Due to this constant negativity, you cannot speak to them because you know that they will respond in this way, or feel that you are walking on egg shells around them because of their negativity. 4. They are verbally abusive. They'll insult you, call you names, etc, etc. They'll also belittle you, your hobbies and interests, as well as friends and family. They'll also use offensive language to that effect, e.g., calling your (actually decent) car a piece of junk or calling your friend a loser. 6. They are prone to physical violence. 7. They lack empathy towards other people. 8. Almost every time you would spend time with them or otherwise communicate like a phone call or a text message, there would always be some kind of agenda or ulterior motive behind it, because they want something from you and not to have a "normal" conversation. 9. They view you as a punching bag. Meaning that if they're having a bad day for whatever reason that had absolutely nothing to do with you, they'll lash out at you regardless. 10. They outright refuse to help you in absolutely any way whatsoever, even in difficult times. E.g., you are evicted and have nowhere else to stay - even if it's just one night - they'll refuse to help you. Or if they *do* choose to help you, they want something in return. 11. They do not respect your privacy. They'll repeatedly barge into your room, demand to know who you are phoning, etc. 12. They are never, ever wrong and refuse to ever apologise for anything. They think they can sweep their behaviour under the rug and act like nothing happened. 13. They might also give you the silent treatment and ignore you for prolonged periods of time without explanation. And then out of the blue they'll start speaking to you again like nothing happened. 14. When other people criticise you, they won't defend or support you in any way. In fact, they'll likely take the side of the other person criticising you. 15. They put conditions on their love towards you and having a relationship with you. I.e., do X or do Y, and only then will they be willing to spend time with you, etc. 16. They threaten cruel and unusual punishments for the smallest mistake or infraction. E.g., no meals for a week or locking you in your room for days like a prisoner. This might also extend to threatening to kick you out of the house and disown you completely as well for really minor things too. 17. They view you as a burden. They would avoid spending time with you if they could. You are made to feel that you should be grateful that they are "allowing" you to live in their home and having your other physical needs (food, clothes, etc) met when they could easily kick you out onto the street at a moment's notice. 18. They are prone to wild mood swings. One moment they'll appear to be "fine" and in a good mood, next moment they're angry and abusive. You never know what kind of mood they will be in on a given day. They get annoyed and angry at the smallest thing and saying the "wrong" thing would instantly change their mood for the worse. 19. Whenever they are harassing you with any kind of abuse (whether physical or verbal, etc) and you plainly ask/tell them to stop, they'll ignore you and continue regardless. Either they lack the genuine empathy, or they just don't care in the slightest about the harm that they cause others. 20. When you attempt to address a legitimate grievance with them or otherwise confront them about their behaviour towards you, they'll attempt to invalidate your feelings and justify their behaviour towards you. 21. They accuse you of poor character or are otherwise very accusatory. E.g., when you are looking for a job, they're calling you lazy or saying that you "have a bad attitude" and you don't want to work. However, these accusations would very often be completely unfounded and it's just an extension of their abuse. 22. They view parenting as simply providing the physical needs of the child, i.e., providing a roof over their head and feeding and clothing the child. But caring about the child's happiness and mental wellbeing? Not a concern for them. 23. They have a massive ego when it comes to parenting. They think that because they're the parent, they are in a position to boss around their children and dictate what they can or can't do, even trivial things. "My house, my rules" is a common excuse here. 24. In the case of divorced parents; parental alienation. Meaning that one parent will constantly badmouth the other parent and otherwise make no secret of their hatred of them in an attempt to turn the child against said parent.
How you feel around them.
Not respecting the way the other person is or making fun of the things they like.
Too much yelling
DARVO. Deny. Attack. Reverse Victim Order.
I think it's reverse victim and offender
Double standards or expecting your partner to do something for you that you’d never do for them
Unfair dynamics The main one I think of is where one person says demeaning/disrespectful things and the other person is just supposed to "take it" but the second the other person says one comment back to them they get upset and indignant.
"He/she's not normally this way. We'll get through this once the bruising goes away. We just won't talk to each other until then. Then we'll be fine. Been doing this for years." Someone who I'm actually helping through their latest fight that resulted in arrest.
Posting every little incident on social media for the world to see, then in love again days later. Rinse and repeat
When they misinterpret your actions and then rather than ask you about your intentions, they stonewall you and then blow up at you for not knowing why their mad. If you find yourself walking on eggshells, you're in the toxic relationship.
Contemplating having kids in an effort to save or make it stronger
Mine was being hit with a Doc Martin so many times that I though my arm was broken because I confronted her about her lying about cheating on her ex and then her saying if I left her she’d “beat the fuck” out of herself and tell her uncle that was a cop that I did it.
Having the same agrument, only louder each time.
When the person only has negative things to say about thir relationship.
Gaslighting. I found myself taking notes on what GF said, because she would constantly change her mind and then tell me that I wasn’t listening. She’d ask me to pick up multigrain bread from the store. When I would return she’d ask why I didn’t get rye bread and call me incompetent when I said that I heard her ask for multigrain. I started writing down everything mostly to prove that I wasn’t crazy to myself. My notes never proved anything to her which I couldn’t understand. I considered secretly recording our conversations and then took a step back to realize that I needed to leave.
From personal experience: - your partner is much nicer to you when you have a disagreement in front of friends than when you have one at home - meaning that they *know* the way they actually handle it would not be publicly acceptable - they invalidate your emotional experience and make you feel like what you're going through doesn't matter or "make any sense" - when they leave the house you feel better; if they go away for a week you feel irritable when they're back - they never make you feel like a priority, you're always second or third to their friends, their parents, their hobbies