I don’t even have your \#2. My dog is a total snitch. My wife didn’t want me feeding her (the dog) table scraps. I once was eating a bit of leftover steak in the kitchen, and my dog was by me whining for some, so I gave my dog a very small piece of it. Dog took the steak, promptly ran out of the kitchen and into the room my wife was in, and puked up the steak at her feet.
Furry bastard set me up.
Yep. Vulnerability will always result in judgement. Took me a long time to accept that, but it is what it is. I have great talks in my own head, and it weirdly helps sometimes.
This guy gets it. My general response from my therapist (I rarely have time to see) has been “sounds like you don’t have a lot of support from the people around you but you’re expected to give a lot”.
It really comes down to three things.
1. There's cultural pressure for men to be stoic and always remain calm, cool, and collected no matter what they're dealing with. This leads to a lot of men being reluctant to rely on others for support as they feel like it makes them less of a man. I don't personally believe this, but I will admit that the overwhelming majority of adults in my childhood pushed this belief and it's always in the back of my mind.
2. In the US, there has been a big push to get rid of male dominated spaces and groups in favor of more gender neutral options. This is a good long term goal, but the reality is that we're tearing down male dominated spaces while most women are still terrified of welcoming men and creating these gender neutral spaces. While it's true some men only clubs/groups/spaces have some problems, they're also one of the few times it was safe to be vulnerable. It's tough for one gender to build gender neutral clubs/groups/spaces.
3. There's a significant cultural message to men telling them to be more emotionally vulnerable, which is good. However, we aren't teaching men healthy ways to be vulnerable and we aren't teaching anybody how to cope with the fact that the stoic men in their lives now need emotional support. Sometimes men share their feelings in ways that shift blame on to others because they don't have good social tools or experience on how to share. Sometimes men effectively share their feelings but the people they share with don't know how to process the vulnerability and either get defensive or shift the conversation to their own feelings. These situations lead to negative experiences for men who are vulnerable making them less likely to share in the future.
The good news is that most people want things to be more gender neutral and want both men and women to be more comfortable feeling and sharing their emotions. The bad news is that a lot of the discussion about this has excluded men, so the amount of work it will take to fix things it's really underestimated. The result is a few generations of men who don't have the traditional support systems men have had in the past, but are also left without new support systems until we figure this out as a society.
Exactly, I’ve had things I have shared with others used against me.
This is why when you ask men how they are doing, the answer will be one of good, fine or more commonly great. No reason to share anything when I can bury it deep down inside. Either way, no one cares.
I think this has been the key for me. I know that nobody fucking cares, and it makes it so much easier to deal with my problems knowing that nobody can or will help me fix it.
It doesn’t have to be unfortunate. I’m under the thought that once you have your own approval, you can live life without seeking anyone else’s. How one gets there is a different story.
Having ones own approval isn't that much of a problem. How to make that self approval matter somewhere close to others approval would be something I would like to know. Until then its just unfortunate, unfortunately.
Nobody. I may tell certain trivial problems to my friends/coworkers but rarely.
My wife knows most just by being around me but my true problems and struggles are kept to me and myself. They won't care
Dawg, if your wife loves you, she will care. Idk how old you are, but we men have been raised forever to not share and be stoic. Your wife will understand. Don't hold it in.
When the vast majority of men on here are saying that they won’t tell wives/gfs their problems because they have experience these women using the man’s vulnerability against him, maybe you should re-evaluate exactly **why** men aren’t telling women these things rather than encouraging men to do it.
As someone who is a male working in a vastly female field I can say there is 100% a reason for men not to confide in alot of women…it is really sad hearing wives shit talk their husbands for showing their emotions and watching other women chime in telling her she deserves more of a ‘man’ 🤦♂️
Airing their husbands hardest to admit problems to everyone to hear as if it were a joke…
It saddens me hearing how many men have experienced this because it’s so cold and cruel. I can’t imagine doing this to someone I love. Opening your heart and showing your vulnerability to a partner is so difficult for many men, so to then have your vulnerability exposed this way would feel like such a betrayal.
I mean, to think your partner loves and trusts you enough to share this part of themselves with you and **this** is how you repay them? Sorry I’m ranting, but I’ve been betrayed in similar ways by former friends and that was painful enough. I can’t imagine experiencing that betrayal from a spouse. It’s inexcusable.
For what it’s worth, there are trustworthy people out there who would never do this. Unfortunately they aren’t easy to find but I promise they exist.
*Edited to correct a spelling error.
You are absolutely right but in this situation it's like walking through a minefield. Sure, there's plenty of places you can step just fine but you know for a fact that one wrong steps going to end your shit so it's just safer to not take any steps because it's impossible to know if it's going to explode before you do it.
I feel this a lot. Especially when a lot of your problems could be at odds with your wife. I’m afraid of showing her my vulnerability out of fear of her either losing respect, weaponizing it, etc. as great as she is and as supportive as she is people are quick to be defensive if someone has a problem with them.
I don’t understand why anyone would choose a life partner they can’t confide in, let alone one who would leverage that information. Maybe it’s just not something they value or have even thought of.
It’s sad to think people spend their lives together and really don’t understand, or are totally ignorant of each other’s truths and struggles.
Given how common the experience is, it may well be that its simply something most men must accept if they want to be married.
I mean I agree with you, which is part of the reason I have eschewed marriage myself. But most people do want that.
I thought I would never get married or have kids, then I met my wife. She is the only woman i've opened up to and not had it come back to bite me. She's the only one who knows fully how crazy I am, and accepts me for it. She knows that I accept her completely, and she actually does the same for me.
literally every other woman I have ever opened up to has beaten me with that knowledge when I am at my lowest. Many women seem to love a man who is winning, but the moment that there's a hint of blood in the water, that man becomes revolting to them and the only way that they can rationalize their prior attraction/approval is by turning him into a joke.
Sometimes I worry that some day, the switch will flip for her, and I'll lose everything again. But fear is the mind killer, and so I must let it wash past me and try to live authentically. If it happens, I can't stop it, so I can't let it stop me.
I used to think the same, but man... I used to be the quiet kid and until then everything was fine, then I started making a lit bit of money and doing the things I always wanted to, but nobody would let me. Oh man, since then I'm surprised everyday by how much the people you trust can really fuck you up, especially your emotional. Love my family, friends, gf and everyone, but they'll never get me to trust anyone the way I once did.
If women didn’t share every bit of information with their friends and family than maybe men will tell them everything but that’s not how women are wired and men do not want the world to know their vulnerabilities .
They understand, but I noticed women can't sometimes hide their emotions.
When I confide about my anxiety and fears to my wife, she empathizes with me and listens to me and try to calm me down, but there are some times when I can feel she's disappointed.
I don't want her to feel disappointed in me. I rather keep my struggles with myself than seeing her disappointed.
No she won't. She will never understand. She has an image of you, and the image has gaps. To the degree of you opening up are filling those gaps, you will be good. But if it doesn't match the image, or fills up the gaps but there is more, then she will be disappointed or confused.
This is why women like mystery men. The silent man will always be appealing to women, as will the one with an established outer facade.
There are nuances, ofcourse. And degrees. And plenty of counter examples, where opening up strengthens a relationship. But it is never a safe strategy. And the negative consequences of failing are catastrophic.
Random online strangers, because I know there will be no consequences. It's a cheap substitute for an actual social circle of people I love and support, but it's what I've got.
My cat. And otherwise friends who also struggle with being Neurodivergent. I get a way better response and understanding from other depressed friends for example.
I love my wife very much, and she loves me as well, but there have been times when I confided in her and her reaction was judgmental, defensive or in some other way harmful and not what I needed.
This has definitely made me more cautious, as I used to be more of a “wear my heart on my sleeve” type of guy. Oh well, I guess some walls aren’t the worst thing.
That's unfortunate. I am quite thankful that my wife has never used the things I've confided in her against me or reacted very poorly to what I've confided in her about. I hope someday your wife rebuilds some of that trust with you in the future and that you would feel safe confiding in her again.
Well one time that caused major issues. Other times were subtle stuff. But yeah that one major time taught me that opening up is considered as showing vulnerability and that’s a big no no for us.
Anyone who will listen. Typically my girlfriend. But I think you can see by this thread and the number of people saying no one. I feel as though someone needs to start, and maybe if I open up to friends or acquaintances who offer to listen, then maybe they'll trust me to be someone they can open up to as well. Grew up in a South Asian culture where no one said I love you. No one talked about their feelings. Not incredibly healthy despite being "successful". There's gotta be a balance but we can't find that alone.
Kudos to you.
I just went through a lot of pain and only then realized how hard it is for male friends to listen in those situations.
I'm also trying to enable my male friends to open up more. We can only benefit from this.
I think it's only "hard" because it's not always common or well received. There's either a stigma to talking about it or just bad experiences when people have tried. I have a good half dozen guys I've become friends with over the years that I know I can talk to. From work and school. I know I'm fortunate though, and it's been a lot of work and being vulnerable.
I’ve got a number of friends that I confide in 100%. I have other friends that I trust enough to confide in them 100%, but I don’t, because they’re not in a place emotionally where they know how to engage with those kinds of conversations. Those friends still know most everything important that’s going on in my life, they just don’t know all the feelings and emotions involved beyond surface level stuff, because they don’t really know how to empathize.
My therapist. And honestly, i still can't say everything, but i've been making some good progress. Hope you guys find someone who y'all trust to open up, it is cathartic.
I make a point of confiding in whoever I’m dating after a little while, part of getting to know each other is knowing the other person’s struggles.
Beyond that, my small group of 3 best friends.
I feel sad about all the replies here. I don’t k la what kind of environment everyone is living in but to have no one you can unload to sounds really sad.
I’ve got my mom, my dad, 2 or 3 friends, and my wife.
My mother.
She doesn't want to hear it, and it gets used against me like with anyone else, but at least I know she's not going to abandon me.
Friends / romantic interests, they never hear about anything more than some minor problems when I'm looking to blow off steam or get some advice.
I've learned the hard way that no one cares and that I'm alone in my struggles. The drama and emotional baggage that comes with confiding in people is never worth it in the long run.
it’s sad reading these comments. if your friends don’t let you confide in them then why are they your friends? if they use that against you why are they your friends? there are good people out there who are capable of meeting your needs you just have to find them.
I have an overseas friend I met in an online community that I tell everything to without restraint.
I see most people here saying they don’t tell anyone anything because it eventually gets shared with the people around them. Well, get this: a person thousands of miles away that no one you know will ever meet solves that problem instantly.
The amount of people that say nobody is sad. My girlfriend of 7 years who will be my wife, I got a couple main homies who I know will never judge me, and of course my mom.
I’m building trust with my therapist and working on building trust with others, but I certainly don’t confide/don’t have time to confide in everything with my therapist.
We're men. Nobody gives a fuck about our problems. Lots of talk and virtue signaling, but no real action ever taken. Just more empty words from empty people.
100%? No one. Just because we are all human.
I do trust my ex partner very much though.
I also trust my dog but not 100%. He is 14 and will still damage things if I am not watchful.
No one in my family is confidable.
I'm not confidable.
Fairly tight social circle, so I have a couple friends I confide in that I’ve known for 15+ years.
Also my girl, because I don’t see how a relationship can work otherwise.
Let me tell you all lads...
Bottling things up is fucking exhausting, dangerous and really isn't the best thing to do, despite us all being hurt by trusting people.
Having been suicidal, thinking that I was worthless, that my loved ones would be better off without me,
I finally mustered up the confidence and the want to change and better myself.
Counselling and the counsellor specifically, saved my life.
Not every counsellor does the same thing, the first one you see may not be the right one for you, but I promise you, its worth it.
My first sessions I felt like a fucking idiot, I didn't tell the truth about my feelings and I left so angry and frustrated with myself that I questioned if it was worth it. When I decided to stop wasting everyone's time and just fully open up, it genuinely changed my life forever.
I actually have a pretty decent support system. I have people who I work with, I have college/high school friends. I try to be as open with my problems as I can
My mom. Shes aging, I share with her what I can while she’s around. I see her slipping away to dementia every day. She’s the last person to whom I can say, “hey remember when we…” but sadly sometimes she can’t.
Growing up in Detroit and with shitty parents taught me one thing: the closer you let people, the shorter the knife they need. So nobody, not even family.
Less and less people as time goes on.
Honestly not sure what it is, but the kind of reception I've gotten from even my closest confidants has been less and less helpful. Things like straight up telling a friend "I don't really need advice, just want to talk about this thing bugging me" and then being questioned about what I'm doing to change it. Friends that I'm always there for just haranguing me for my decisions and telling me I want the wrong things. I'm pretty happy with where I'm at and where my life's going, and I do genuinely love my friends and know they care, but I feel more alone than ever in my internal struggles. I just think life is complicated enough that they can't understand, and I'm making peace with that
Short answer: No one 100%
Long answer: Different people in my life get different pieces of me. Some friends get small percentages. Closer friends get large percentages. Same goes for family depending on how close we are. Why? Because in the past, if I give someone too much or give them the wrong side of me, it ends up being used against me somehow. I see no reason to repeat the same mistake for the millionth time.
Reading these comments breaks my fucking heart. I honestly believe men carry more pain in them because "boys don't cry" is taught from a young age. I am sorry to every one of you for the pain and burdens and secrets you have to live with for not having someone to trust.
Good fathers will allow their boys to cry to an extent. At some point, the crying has to stop, and something must be done. "That's enough, son" is something I see more and more instead of, "shut up, don't cry." This is pretty reasonable, I think, since you can't just sulk forever.
Much of the bullying I have seen comes from either young boys who are looking for an excuse to ridicule or women of various ages that find it gross when men cry.
I think another big problem is that people allow girls to cry too much without pushing them to do anything about it, so many women feel helpless because they don't learn that they can fix their problems themselves. There's a balance somewhere, don't you think?
My best friends. It wasn’t until I realized I needed to share my feelings that my relationships got deeper.
Sometimes I share too much, sometimes people can’t handle it. So it is a learning process.
Nobody, it makes life harder, but, in our society it is absolutely necessary. Besides, nobody ever told me life was gonna be easy - you hold on as long as you can then you die and get out of the way. If you’re fortunate you will have been able to love and be loved.
Absolutely no one! Especially not my internal monologue!!
It has a tendency to blow things out of proportion and ruin my life.I try to forget stuff these days before my pathetic mind gets to it.
Men doesn't have confidents. Not safe. We are raised to endure every shit that comes to us. Sometimes we Just can't anymore, and that is why to many more men suicide when in comparison to women.
A good therapist - Do you expect a family or friend to operate you for a surgery? Mental health wounds cut deeper than physical ones. But it's important to find the right therapist.
For other things - Consider yourself, family, friends or reddit depending on what the matter is.
No body, because everyone is essentially a little gossipy bitch.
Even people who think they love people go around spouting all sorts of their personal shit just to feel good about their own lips moving.
100%? My internal monologue would be the only one that makes it to 100%.
Nobody, Reddit, and my pet seem to be the best candidates. I think nobody is the winner.
Well I do open up on Reddit at times. Although only if it’s with a secret account 😂
I don’t even think I’m entirely honest with myself
As long as you don’t start arguing with yourself 😀
Why not, that other voice is an ass hole.
My internal monologue is 100% honest but damn he says some cringe stuff.
It’s depressing but it’s true
Or when it becomes my *outer* monologue whilst driving alone.
My outer monologue while driving is completely unhinged.
Im just glad we live in a time of hands-free phone calls. I'll at least look slightly less ridiculous to outsiders.
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I don’t even have your \#2. My dog is a total snitch. My wife didn’t want me feeding her (the dog) table scraps. I once was eating a bit of leftover steak in the kitchen, and my dog was by me whining for some, so I gave my dog a very small piece of it. Dog took the steak, promptly ran out of the kitchen and into the room my wife was in, and puked up the steak at her feet. Furry bastard set me up.
That bitch!
I have a similar list. Mine has my sleep paralysis demon thrown on there too.
Pro tip: that demon is stuck in there with you, he's not thrilled either.
Become your sleep paralysis demon’s sleep paralysis demon “I think you confused which one of us is trapped here”
Rorschach : I'm not locked in here with you. You're locked in here with *ME*!
hes a very good listener!
Jerk off in front of the demon to show authority
Yep. Vulnerability will always result in judgement. Took me a long time to accept that, but it is what it is. I have great talks in my own head, and it weirdly helps sometimes.
This guy gets it. My general response from my therapist (I rarely have time to see) has been “sounds like you don’t have a lot of support from the people around you but you’re expected to give a lot”.
This is the truth. Men don’t have this luxury
No-one other than myself
How did we get here?
It really comes down to three things. 1. There's cultural pressure for men to be stoic and always remain calm, cool, and collected no matter what they're dealing with. This leads to a lot of men being reluctant to rely on others for support as they feel like it makes them less of a man. I don't personally believe this, but I will admit that the overwhelming majority of adults in my childhood pushed this belief and it's always in the back of my mind. 2. In the US, there has been a big push to get rid of male dominated spaces and groups in favor of more gender neutral options. This is a good long term goal, but the reality is that we're tearing down male dominated spaces while most women are still terrified of welcoming men and creating these gender neutral spaces. While it's true some men only clubs/groups/spaces have some problems, they're also one of the few times it was safe to be vulnerable. It's tough for one gender to build gender neutral clubs/groups/spaces. 3. There's a significant cultural message to men telling them to be more emotionally vulnerable, which is good. However, we aren't teaching men healthy ways to be vulnerable and we aren't teaching anybody how to cope with the fact that the stoic men in their lives now need emotional support. Sometimes men share their feelings in ways that shift blame on to others because they don't have good social tools or experience on how to share. Sometimes men effectively share their feelings but the people they share with don't know how to process the vulnerability and either get defensive or shift the conversation to their own feelings. These situations lead to negative experiences for men who are vulnerable making them less likely to share in the future. The good news is that most people want things to be more gender neutral and want both men and women to be more comfortable feeling and sharing their emotions. The bad news is that a lot of the discussion about this has excluded men, so the amount of work it will take to fix things it's really underestimated. The result is a few generations of men who don't have the traditional support systems men have had in the past, but are also left without new support systems until we figure this out as a society.
Tldr: we removed male support structures before we built their replacements.
My best friend from college is someone I can trust completely because we've shared so many experiences together and have a deep connection.
I share everything with my uncle because he’s always been supportive and understanding of me.
My childhood neighbor is the person I trust completely because we've known each other for so long and have shared many experiences.
I trust my mentor completely because he's been a guiding force in my life and always offers great advice.
My partner is the person I trust the most because our relationship is based on trust and mutual respect.
My roommate is the person I confide in the most because we’ve shared so much together and have a strong bond.
I share everything with my mentor because he's been a guiding force in my life and always offers great advice.
I confide in my grandfather because he has a wealth of life experience and always knows the right thing to say.
I share everything with my father because he's always been a great listener and gives me valuable advice.
I share everything with my fiancée because our relationship is built on open communication and honesty.
My therapist is the person I confide in 100% because they offer a safe and non-judgmental space for me to express myself.
My grandfather is the person I trust the most because he has a wealth of life experience and always knows the right thing to say.
I turn to my childhood friend whenever I need to confide in someone because we've known each other for so long.
My therapist is the person I trust to share everything with because they offer a safe and non-judgmental space.
My cousin is my confidant because we've always been close and I trust him with my secrets.
I confide in my best man from my wedding because he's proven himself to be a loyal friend and always has my back.
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Exactly, I’ve had things I have shared with others used against me. This is why when you ask men how they are doing, the answer will be one of good, fine or more commonly great. No reason to share anything when I can bury it deep down inside. Either way, no one cares.
I think this has been the key for me. I know that nobody fucking cares, and it makes it so much easier to deal with my problems knowing that nobody can or will help me fix it.
I completely see why you feel that way, and I know my saying that someone does care won’t do anything, but there are people who care.
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It highlights people you wouldn’t want in your life anyways. I wouldn’t like friends like that anyways. Making something good of a bad situation.
When I need to confide in someone 100%, I always turn to my best friend because he’s been there for me through thick and thin.
My closest work friend is the person I trust completely because we understand each other and share similar experiences.
I confide in my older brother because he’s always been a great listener and offers valuable advice.
I've probably told reddit more than anyone else.
Glory to online anonymity!
Well said, Steven.
My brother is my go-to confidant because we’ve shared so much growing up, and I know I can trust him with anything.
I have an imaginary friend. I don’t even trust him 100%
Myself. That’s where the list ends, unfortunately.
It doesn’t have to be unfortunate. I’m under the thought that once you have your own approval, you can live life without seeking anyone else’s. How one gets there is a different story.
Having ones own approval isn't that much of a problem. How to make that self approval matter somewhere close to others approval would be something I would like to know. Until then its just unfortunate, unfortunately.
Nobody. I may tell certain trivial problems to my friends/coworkers but rarely. My wife knows most just by being around me but my true problems and struggles are kept to me and myself. They won't care
Dawg, if your wife loves you, she will care. Idk how old you are, but we men have been raised forever to not share and be stoic. Your wife will understand. Don't hold it in.
When the vast majority of men on here are saying that they won’t tell wives/gfs their problems because they have experience these women using the man’s vulnerability against him, maybe you should re-evaluate exactly **why** men aren’t telling women these things rather than encouraging men to do it.
As someone who is a male working in a vastly female field I can say there is 100% a reason for men not to confide in alot of women…it is really sad hearing wives shit talk their husbands for showing their emotions and watching other women chime in telling her she deserves more of a ‘man’ 🤦♂️ Airing their husbands hardest to admit problems to everyone to hear as if it were a joke…
It saddens me hearing how many men have experienced this because it’s so cold and cruel. I can’t imagine doing this to someone I love. Opening your heart and showing your vulnerability to a partner is so difficult for many men, so to then have your vulnerability exposed this way would feel like such a betrayal. I mean, to think your partner loves and trusts you enough to share this part of themselves with you and **this** is how you repay them? Sorry I’m ranting, but I’ve been betrayed in similar ways by former friends and that was painful enough. I can’t imagine experiencing that betrayal from a spouse. It’s inexcusable. For what it’s worth, there are trustworthy people out there who would never do this. Unfortunately they aren’t easy to find but I promise they exist. *Edited to correct a spelling error.
You are absolutely right but in this situation it's like walking through a minefield. Sure, there's plenty of places you can step just fine but you know for a fact that one wrong steps going to end your shit so it's just safer to not take any steps because it's impossible to know if it's going to explode before you do it.
I feel this a lot. Especially when a lot of your problems could be at odds with your wife. I’m afraid of showing her my vulnerability out of fear of her either losing respect, weaponizing it, etc. as great as she is and as supportive as she is people are quick to be defensive if someone has a problem with them.
I don’t understand why anyone would choose a life partner they can’t confide in, let alone one who would leverage that information. Maybe it’s just not something they value or have even thought of. It’s sad to think people spend their lives together and really don’t understand, or are totally ignorant of each other’s truths and struggles.
Thing is we THOUGHT we could confide in them, but down the line we found to our heartbreaking terror that this was untrue.
Given how common the experience is, it may well be that its simply something most men must accept if they want to be married. I mean I agree with you, which is part of the reason I have eschewed marriage myself. But most people do want that.
This is truth
I thought I would never get married or have kids, then I met my wife. She is the only woman i've opened up to and not had it come back to bite me. She's the only one who knows fully how crazy I am, and accepts me for it. She knows that I accept her completely, and she actually does the same for me. literally every other woman I have ever opened up to has beaten me with that knowledge when I am at my lowest. Many women seem to love a man who is winning, but the moment that there's a hint of blood in the water, that man becomes revolting to them and the only way that they can rationalize their prior attraction/approval is by turning him into a joke. Sometimes I worry that some day, the switch will flip for her, and I'll lose everything again. But fear is the mind killer, and so I must let it wash past me and try to live authentically. If it happens, I can't stop it, so I can't let it stop me.
Oh, you sweet summer child...
I used to think the same, but man... I used to be the quiet kid and until then everything was fine, then I started making a lit bit of money and doing the things I always wanted to, but nobody would let me. Oh man, since then I'm surprised everyday by how much the people you trust can really fuck you up, especially your emotional. Love my family, friends, gf and everyone, but they'll never get me to trust anyone the way I once did.
If women didn’t share every bit of information with their friends and family than maybe men will tell them everything but that’s not how women are wired and men do not want the world to know their vulnerabilities .
They understand, but I noticed women can't sometimes hide their emotions. When I confide about my anxiety and fears to my wife, she empathizes with me and listens to me and try to calm me down, but there are some times when I can feel she's disappointed. I don't want her to feel disappointed in me. I rather keep my struggles with myself than seeing her disappointed.
His wife will care but also think less of him. That's how it works.
You can love someone and be told something that makes you less attractive to them.
No she won't. She will never understand. She has an image of you, and the image has gaps. To the degree of you opening up are filling those gaps, you will be good. But if it doesn't match the image, or fills up the gaps but there is more, then she will be disappointed or confused. This is why women like mystery men. The silent man will always be appealing to women, as will the one with an established outer facade. There are nuances, ofcourse. And degrees. And plenty of counter examples, where opening up strengthens a relationship. But it is never a safe strategy. And the negative consequences of failing are catastrophic.
Therapist
Are you sure the rapist is trustworthy?
I’ll take the rapists for $500, Alex.
This is why I see an analrapist.
r/UnexpectedArrestedDevelopment
Its better than the psychotherapist
Nobody, every time I do it eventually gets outs,
1. Nobody. 2. See 1.
Random online strangers, because I know there will be no consequences. It's a cheap substitute for an actual social circle of people I love and support, but it's what I've got.
I call it speaking into the void (usually the reddit void).
My cat. And otherwise friends who also struggle with being Neurodivergent. I get a way better response and understanding from other depressed friends for example.
Man’s best friend, dog
No one
My wife.
I love my wife very much, and she loves me as well, but there have been times when I confided in her and her reaction was judgmental, defensive or in some other way harmful and not what I needed. This has definitely made me more cautious, as I used to be more of a “wear my heart on my sleeve” type of guy. Oh well, I guess some walls aren’t the worst thing.
That's unfortunate. I am quite thankful that my wife has never used the things I've confided in her against me or reacted very poorly to what I've confided in her about. I hope someday your wife rebuilds some of that trust with you in the future and that you would feel safe confiding in her again.
I too confide in this guy’s wife
She just gets us, you know
I understand this reference!
My Internal Monologues voices and no one else.
My heavy bag knows everything.
My therapist. Family and friends will straight up use things against you or judge you. Made that mistake one time.
It only took you once? Well done sir.
Well one time that caused major issues. Other times were subtle stuff. But yeah that one major time taught me that opening up is considered as showing vulnerability and that’s a big no no for us.
Anyone who will listen. Typically my girlfriend. But I think you can see by this thread and the number of people saying no one. I feel as though someone needs to start, and maybe if I open up to friends or acquaintances who offer to listen, then maybe they'll trust me to be someone they can open up to as well. Grew up in a South Asian culture where no one said I love you. No one talked about their feelings. Not incredibly healthy despite being "successful". There's gotta be a balance but we can't find that alone.
Kudos to you. I just went through a lot of pain and only then realized how hard it is for male friends to listen in those situations. I'm also trying to enable my male friends to open up more. We can only benefit from this.
I think it's only "hard" because it's not always common or well received. There's either a stigma to talking about it or just bad experiences when people have tried. I have a good half dozen guys I've become friends with over the years that I know I can talk to. From work and school. I know I'm fortunate though, and it's been a lot of work and being vulnerable.
My wife. She’s my best friend in the whole world and I know she’s got my back through everything.
Nobody. People say they care and they may, but they WILL lose respect for you and never look at you the same
I’ve got a number of friends that I confide in 100%. I have other friends that I trust enough to confide in them 100%, but I don’t, because they’re not in a place emotionally where they know how to engage with those kinds of conversations. Those friends still know most everything important that’s going on in my life, they just don’t know all the feelings and emotions involved beyond surface level stuff, because they don’t really know how to empathize.
Nobody is the answer here
My therapist. And honestly, i still can't say everything, but i've been making some good progress. Hope you guys find someone who y'all trust to open up, it is cathartic.
I make a point of confiding in whoever I’m dating after a little while, part of getting to know each other is knowing the other person’s struggles. Beyond that, my small group of 3 best friends.
Has anyone attractive ever sent you a nude because of that user name?
I get both men and women messaging me really. And sure; some of them are good looking!
Good stuff. Have a great day!!!
Other men or we just talk to ourselves in private.
I feel sad about all the replies here. I don’t k la what kind of environment everyone is living in but to have no one you can unload to sounds really sad. I’ve got my mom, my dad, 2 or 3 friends, and my wife.
1. My Grandmother 2. My dog 3. My therapist
My mother. She doesn't want to hear it, and it gets used against me like with anyone else, but at least I know she's not going to abandon me. Friends / romantic interests, they never hear about anything more than some minor problems when I'm looking to blow off steam or get some advice. I've learned the hard way that no one cares and that I'm alone in my struggles. The drama and emotional baggage that comes with confiding in people is never worth it in the long run.
My Mom for me too. We can talk about anything.
She won't abondon you, just complain/joke about it to absolutely everyone if thinks it would entertain them or make her look better.
it’s sad reading these comments. if your friends don’t let you confide in them then why are they your friends? if they use that against you why are they your friends? there are good people out there who are capable of meeting your needs you just have to find them.
I have an overseas friend I met in an online community that I tell everything to without restraint. I see most people here saying they don’t tell anyone anything because it eventually gets shared with the people around them. Well, get this: a person thousands of miles away that no one you know will ever meet solves that problem instantly.
The amount of people that say nobody is sad. My girlfriend of 7 years who will be my wife, I got a couple main homies who I know will never judge me, and of course my mom.
God or my pets. That’s it.
Nobody
Myself and my dogs Between my wife and my best friend I hit 100% but not separately. Probably 95% to each
Nobody
I’m building trust with my therapist and working on building trust with others, but I certainly don’t confide/don’t have time to confide in everything with my therapist.
My therapist
My therapist
We're men. Nobody gives a fuck about our problems. Lots of talk and virtue signaling, but no real action ever taken. Just more empty words from empty people.
My wife. Maybe anonymous Reddit comments.
100%? No one. Just because we are all human. I do trust my ex partner very much though. I also trust my dog but not 100%. He is 14 and will still damage things if I am not watchful. No one in my family is confidable. I'm not confidable.
My cats. I sure hope they don't learn to speak.
My wife and my 2 closest friends
My husband, my old friend who worked at a mall with me and married my longtime friend not too long ago, and my dog… my cat I’m unsure about.
My girlfriend. She's the only person I'll tell anything she wants to know.
Fairly tight social circle, so I have a couple friends I confide in that I’ve known for 15+ years. Also my girl, because I don’t see how a relationship can work otherwise.
Let me tell you all lads... Bottling things up is fucking exhausting, dangerous and really isn't the best thing to do, despite us all being hurt by trusting people. Having been suicidal, thinking that I was worthless, that my loved ones would be better off without me, I finally mustered up the confidence and the want to change and better myself. Counselling and the counsellor specifically, saved my life. Not every counsellor does the same thing, the first one you see may not be the right one for you, but I promise you, its worth it. My first sessions I felt like a fucking idiot, I didn't tell the truth about my feelings and I left so angry and frustrated with myself that I questioned if it was worth it. When I decided to stop wasting everyone's time and just fully open up, it genuinely changed my life forever.
I actually have a pretty decent support system. I have people who I work with, I have college/high school friends. I try to be as open with my problems as I can
No one. Tried it once. Used against me. Never again.
Why would anyone do something that stupid?
My dog. Guys, never appear vulnerable in front of your spouse. She'll hate you for it.
I would say my dog, but I don't have one.. so..
My mom. Shes aging, I share with her what I can while she’s around. I see her slipping away to dementia every day. She’s the last person to whom I can say, “hey remember when we…” but sadly sometimes she can’t.
Ex wife
My mom and my best girl friend. I’m very grateful for both.
Growing up in Detroit and with shitty parents taught me one thing: the closer you let people, the shorter the knife they need. So nobody, not even family.
Goes without saying but the closer someone is to me, the more I confide in them. However, the closest person to me is me so only I know 100%.
100% is unrealistic. I absolutely love my spouse beyond words, but everyone needs a calm pond in a dark woods where no one goes in their mind.
Me, myself, and I. I'm autistic. Confiding in others is not worth my time.
My girlfriend
Less and less people as time goes on. Honestly not sure what it is, but the kind of reception I've gotten from even my closest confidants has been less and less helpful. Things like straight up telling a friend "I don't really need advice, just want to talk about this thing bugging me" and then being questioned about what I'm doing to change it. Friends that I'm always there for just haranguing me for my decisions and telling me I want the wrong things. I'm pretty happy with where I'm at and where my life's going, and I do genuinely love my friends and know they care, but I feel more alone than ever in my internal struggles. I just think life is complicated enough that they can't understand, and I'm making peace with that
Short answer: No one 100% Long answer: Different people in my life get different pieces of me. Some friends get small percentages. Closer friends get large percentages. Same goes for family depending on how close we are. Why? Because in the past, if I give someone too much or give them the wrong side of me, it ends up being used against me somehow. I see no reason to repeat the same mistake for the millionth time.
Reading these comments breaks my fucking heart. I honestly believe men carry more pain in them because "boys don't cry" is taught from a young age. I am sorry to every one of you for the pain and burdens and secrets you have to live with for not having someone to trust.
Good fathers will allow their boys to cry to an extent. At some point, the crying has to stop, and something must be done. "That's enough, son" is something I see more and more instead of, "shut up, don't cry." This is pretty reasonable, I think, since you can't just sulk forever. Much of the bullying I have seen comes from either young boys who are looking for an excuse to ridicule or women of various ages that find it gross when men cry. I think another big problem is that people allow girls to cry too much without pushing them to do anything about it, so many women feel helpless because they don't learn that they can fix their problems themselves. There's a balance somewhere, don't you think?
My wife. She's my rock and I trust her implicitly.
my momma and my two best friends because they love me.
Nobody. Men get punished for revealing any type of weakness. Yes, even by their closest friends and family.
God
My best friends. It wasn’t until I realized I needed to share my feelings that my relationships got deeper. Sometimes I share too much, sometimes people can’t handle it. So it is a learning process.
Reddit: a sounding board for dudes with trust issues.
My shower curtain
hahahaha. no one. my family would rather watch me burn than show weakness, such is the way.
My wife. It's funny to see her jaw drop at some of the dark and morbid things that my brain conjures up
G-d. Humans are not trustworthy.
My brother and sisters. Well maybe 100% my brother. My sisters are at about 95% because I don’t let them know about y sex life.
Nobody 100% but 99% my wife.
You anonymous fuckers.
Nobody, it makes life harder, but, in our society it is absolutely necessary. Besides, nobody ever told me life was gonna be easy - you hold on as long as you can then you die and get out of the way. If you’re fortunate you will have been able to love and be loved.
My dog , my dog and no body but my dog. And I mean the animal not a friend
Our lord and savior John Candy.
Therapist or keep things internal.
You have someone to confide in? Lucky
Not one person. My dog absolutely.
My steering wheel. That bitch could tell stories...
Absolutely no one! Especially not my internal monologue!! It has a tendency to blow things out of proportion and ruin my life.I try to forget stuff these days before my pathetic mind gets to it.
I sometimes speak to God about things. But I am deeply agnostic, so I guess it is a bit like having dialogues with yourself in the shower.
Chat GPT
My closest friends, therapist, and my brothers
God
My cats and wife in that order
No one, and I will tell you one thing, no man will 100% confide to someone.
I journal, I have a google sheet for my goal tracking, my plants, my dog… that’s it.
No one 👍🏿
Men doesn't have confidents. Not safe. We are raised to endure every shit that comes to us. Sometimes we Just can't anymore, and that is why to many more men suicide when in comparison to women.
My dog. He gives so good advice.
My dog.
A good therapist - Do you expect a family or friend to operate you for a surgery? Mental health wounds cut deeper than physical ones. But it's important to find the right therapist. For other things - Consider yourself, family, friends or reddit depending on what the matter is.
My mum and dad mainly never had any issue confiding in them.
My dad. Nobody else
No body, because everyone is essentially a little gossipy bitch. Even people who think they love people go around spouting all sorts of their personal shit just to feel good about their own lips moving.
Myself. Though have been 100% open with my therapist so far