Honestly just being sick and tired of it.
Of attracting the fkn avoidants of boys, each the same.
So I got busy. Focusing on me. Being kinder towards me. Spending quality time with myself, I have taken me to the beach several times, to a weekend away near a forest by myself. Taking little roadtrips with me. Listening to me.
I grew up with emotional unavailable parents, father passed when I was 12, ex-stepdad assaulted me, didn't want us kids and did everything in his power to grip his claws in my mom. She let him. I was uncared for. Moved around a lot, lost too many friends. Just a total shitshow.
I always carried fear, grudges, anger so much anger.
And now I'm free.
Why?
Because I have forgiven, I have learned and grown. I have became secure within myself, and therefore I can be secure in my attachment to my bf and can spot real and genuine people.
My mind wanders, my old wounds still get triggered, it's okay. I can't control other people, only me. My response, my words, my actions. So that's what I do. And it's amazing. To love and be free is amazing.
It'll work out, and in the meanwhile, whatever you feel is valid!!!! And I'd suggest making your attachment able to discuss with your partner. Realize your worth and the right one stays.
You just wrote what I’ve been going through and realizing about myself. It’s such a relief once you realize that you are ACTUALLY in control as long as you TRUST that the universe knows what it’s doing and just focus on you and have fun discovering how awesome you are and how beautiful life can be 🫶
Take my upvote!
A key thing you mentioned is realizing you can't control others. Letting go of that need to convince someone to give you the attention you want is freeing! If someone isn't giving you what you need, you have control over yourself enough to leave. Knowing that you will be there for you means you know you will always be taken care of. In turn, that will help you identify who is a genuine person vs who isn't, because you won't be chasing people around anymore. It's lovely.
Agree!!
For me I had to spend a lot of time with myself in reflection and now when things upset me I don’t instantly need to discuss them. For me I feel that it’s best to wait on it and see how it is bothering me, why it is bothering me, it if it is truly something this person did or if it is ME putting a spin on it and just taking a beat really gives me a lot of regulation of myself and the relationship. I can figure out how upset I am and I’m able to talk about my feelings a lot better without it feeling like an attack on the other person.
When I start to feel anxious and worked up because *they* are having some type of issue I really just say to myself not all emergencies are MY emergencies. Remembering that just like on airplanes when they talk about the how the oxygen masks come down and you have to put one on yourself first before helping others… you need to help yourself first before you can help someone else. This soothes me into a less stressed state to where I’m not trying to fix something that literally no one asked me to fix.
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Not being with someone who triggers it. If someone starts to make me feel anxious and start doubting things. I think that's my intuition telling me something is up? I can't make people change but I can protect myself in these instances.
I learned that the anxiety isn't something that is unwarranted. And it usually shows up when major inconsistencies show up. Words not aligning with actions, weird behavior that wasn't there before. So typically it's there for a reason.
Thisssss. I used to consider myself mostly secure with some anxious leanings. Then I fell in love with someone avoidant who ran very hot and cold and I felt increasingly anxious for way too long.
I wasted so much time in that relationship trying to work around and ignore what my intuition told me about that wishy washy person from the beginning 😭 – lesson painfully learned!
I don’t regret it because I needed to learn that for myself.. but don’t be like me and get out earlier. I read way too many “How to make it work with an avoidant” books and articles and now my answer to that question is one word: “Don’t.” ☠️
I had a thing for lovebombers. As soon as they got the meathooks into me and they suddenly changed up the behavior that's when I would be anxious and in my head and fawning. And self abandoning.
Also dating apps in general. They create such an unnatural expectation. Of sex or relationship so it makes me feel nervous. I rather meet someone organically and gradually get to know them without the pressure of dating/something more looming.
Yes to everything you said! I hadn’t really met a love bomber like that before and I fell right in. Very glad to be out of that now. Focusing right now on building up a full life living alone with lots of hobbies and friends and family time, not feeling ready for dating apps yet.
This totally makes sense. I have an anxious attachment style but it all depends on who I’m with. One of my ex’s triggered it so bad that I thought something was wrong with me bur he turned out to be avoidant and we were incompatible. I hope to find someone I could have conversations with. I realized that if I talked about it and they listened, my anxiety goes away. 🥲
Agreed. There's definitely an element of working towards being less anxious leaning and more secure during a relationship but honestly the anxiety is a sign that something is wrong like you say. If the other person can't work towards a secure relationship with you then the anxiety just compounds and compromises your own ability to be and feel at all secure
This is so true. I'm definitely anxious by nature but my ex is avoidant. He recently ghosted me (and our marriage) and I've gone in constant circles of blaming myself and my reaction to things - but then I think that I didn't have bad reactions due to nothing. I had anxious reactions based on knowing, deep down, that something wasn't right and he could never tell me anything real. He would just insist he loved me, was happy with me, never wanted to leave - and then one day it was "our time is up" and he was having an affair. If I had known about attachment styles before, I would have tried to react more calmly but it's really, really difficult to do that when you know the other person isn't being open with you.
Exactly.i truly believe a big part of "anxious attachments" say more about the partner than it does the person attached.
I always thought I was anxiously attached until I met my current partner. Weird coincidence that he's the first guy to not manipulate me or leave me in the dark for days at a time occasionally.
Yeah as anxiously attached people, just let go at the first sign of red flags. It isn’t your fault, you can’t fix them, they won’t magically change. On to the next.
I can’t easily sum up years’ worth of therapy in a Reddit comment, but I can tell you that Internal Family Systems is the therapy modality that helped me most and there are many books available on it.
I did emdr therapy for related trauma in my life w/dad, partners. I worked on negative core beliefs of myself (im unlovable, not good enough) and also used emdr to kind of "re-file" my thoughts and reprocess new thoughts, the opposite, that i know are true but somehow i was so put down by others i believed them. These days when i am upset and anxious i literally refer to the feelings wheel and let myself feel it. I go sit in a corner and cry alone and let it out, ask myself why i feel that way (am i being defensive/insecure?), i stay honest with myself and i tell myself its valid to feel that--at that moment. When i can stop crying and being butthurt, i truly am over it and forget about it because i allowed it to happen and i heard my own damn self 👏
As others have mentioned therapy. Also spending a lot of time single and really finding who I am as a person and having passions and hobbies I can really focus on instead of making my life revolve around my partners. I used to have low self esteem and not really know who I was. I’d get in relationships and all my time and energy was spent on thinking about them and revolving my life around them. Now that I know who I am and am happy without a partner, when I get one I don’t need to cling on for dear life thinking my soul purpose is to be with a man. Makes me a lot less anxious about losing them because I know I am a good catch and I’ll be good if it does or doesn’t work out.
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Finally found a man who is patient, kind, shows he loves me, verbally tells me, and communicates daily with me.
He went on a work trip in Miami, told me he was at a bar and after my initial response, he showed me reassurance that he wasn’t going to be there long and texted me shortly after when he was at the hotel and called me before bed.
Having a man or partner who shows you that they are genuine with you has helped, as well as being self aware and working on the attachment as well. (Self help books, questioning why I feel this or that why etc)
Yes! I’ve got a partner like this and it makes all of the difference. The other day, I was feeling particularly anxious, and he calmly told me that he’ll let me know straight away if I’ve done anything to upset him, so don’t misinterpret texts (I am so bad with this) and essentially, no news is good news. It lifted such a weight of my shoulders. He is so caring and patient with me.
In a similar situation. Been in a healthy relationship for about 4.5 months after being with someone emotionally abusive and avoidant for 2 years. My answer is yes. The amount of trust in myself and in my partner I developed in such a short amount of time has been insane. I think just knowing and realizing he’s there if I really need him helps me deal with my own problems better. My relationship with myself has improved significantly.
Definitely. That should be the point of being in a relationship. Helping each other grow and enjoying each other’s presence. It’s hard to do that if you don’t develop your own self worth first!
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Time spent single. I started building the life I wanted. Doing things that made me proud of myself. I started enjoying my life more. Appreciating myself, building up my self worth, examining what I wanted from a relationship and learning that I was worth everything I wanted. All of that put me in a place to advocate for myself rather than expecting others to do so.
At the same time I learnt I was doing a disservice to both myself AND my future partner by not just asking for what I wanted and calmly setting the boundaries upfront that would make me feel comfortable. I realised becoming secure didn’t mean “stop having needs”, it actually meant “embrace and accept your needs”. When I tell my partner what makes me happy/upset, or communicate boundaries, it helps us both feel secure. There’s no resentment. I’m more relaxed because I’m not trying to convince myself I shouldn’t feel how I actually feel, or trying to be someone I’m not in the name of keeping the peace - none of which made my partner happy.
I’m still not perfect. It’s a work in progress. But I’m back in a relationship with someone I dated when I was anxiously attached. Since then, both of us have become more secure and healthier. I tried so hard to be the perfect partner to him all those years ago and it turns out that by just accepting myself, communicating openly, not making myself small and not pretending I don’t have feelings/needs/boundaries, I’m actually a far better partner this time around. We are both happier. He treats me extremely well and we have far less conflict, because if something’s wrong we aren’t playing 3D chess to avoid it, we address it and move on. At the same time, if he’s having a bad day, I can recognise it’s probably not about me. I can be supportive without spiralling about what one bad day means for our relationship.
I say all of this because when I was anxiously attached, part of me really believed that my way of handling conflict was good or correct or even “moral”. I think one of the steps in becoming secure is accepting that your way of being in relationships is causing issues. A lot of advice is to just date someone securely attached, but I think as someone who is anxiously attached it’s far too easy to just blame our choice in partner, and not really rethink our views on boundaries, communication, needs etc.
Was there an ebb and flow of you feeling confident and knowing what you wanted paired witha possible excitement of someone new who could potentially be great?
Yes for sure! I mostly remember learning to be truly happy being single, which is really useful because I’m no longer dependent on a partner to make me happy or feel at peace with myself. Once I had that security in myself, it was easier to get excited by the thought of dating again; whatever happened I knew I could trust myself.
But ebb and flow is a good way of describing it; healing and growing aren’t linear
however you do it, whatever amount of pain you have to go through-you gotta really understand, way down in your bones, that no matter what happens with your person you really will be ok.
im not an awesome, or smart, or enlightened enough person to just know this. that punk mutherfucker abused the shit outta me and threw me away, being homeless for a second time with basically no support-im getting stronger every day. i have never been able to emotionally survive the toxicity. what people did really hurt me and totally controlled how i felt. but now, its not that i dont give a fuck. its that i realize that everyone makes their own choices, its ok for it to be unfair, and im the same ok i was before the wave of emotions arrived. so on a really bad day, i might cry for a few minutes, but then i get back to winning. I'm not going to let other people control how i feel or stop me from being happy. i also have a strong spiritual practice that gives me hope-i listen to a lot of rock music.
I’ve had some big realizations over the years in therapy:
- my need for reassurance can be met by ME. I do not need another person to reassure me.
- my partner cannot read my mind. I need to communicate what makes me feel loved and listened to. They cannot read my mind and I shouldn’t expect things if I haven’t asked for it.
- if I spent more of my time doing individual hobbies that bring me joy instead of being anxious about my relationship, I’d probably be happier.
- thinking about why certain behaviors cause me anxiety.. usually something my mom did in the past is the reason why I’m getting triggered now. realizing my partner would never treat me that way. him listening to me and empathizing
Therapy & having met my partner who was 100% confident in his secure attachment from the start. I also think personally that there’s an active choice to choose to trust someone. You have to flip the switch and lean into trust.
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Not settling for people who play games and give me crumbs of attention and string me along. It's exhausting and I have better things to do with my limited amount of energy and free time nowadays.
Being single for 3+ years has taught me how much I enjoy my time alone and with a small circle of close friends and I don't have patience for those who disrupt that peace.
I got extremely lucky and met a man who has the same attachment style as me. We are both a little clingy and he thinks it’s cute when I call him a million times a day because I want to tell him each thought I have and want to know all of his thoughts. He reassures me and makes me feel so comfortable and secure and loved and I do the same for him. Best relationship so far and I have high hopes for the future
I don't think i stopped having it but I reduced it a lot and am getting more secure. Mostly through a truly safe relationship, time, and trusting. Letting go of trying to know and control. I still have insecure attachment, but that's okay, it doesn't get in the way now. It's more like just a style, me and my boyfriend are a little bit clingy without insecurity (that's key) and we both enjoy it.
Absolutely! The host talks about all kinds of stuff regarding relationships and anxiety/trauma in general. Her main message though, is helping you understand your anxious attachment and helping you self soothe when you feel triggered. It’s definitely more about looking inward, rather than just avoiding the avoidant.
I read the book “Attached”. Then I started setting hard boundaries. Once I found people only wanted me around cause I was a people pleaser I slowly changed my people. Soon I was around amazing people who valued me for just being me and not what I could or would do for them. That lead me to feeling more confident and also trusting in people so I stopped most of the anxious questioning. When I did feel it I was able to communicate why I was feeling it and what I needed to feel secure again (gratitude, hugs, reassurance, etc) and now it rarely ever happens.
I started acting like I deserved a non avoidant partner, even if I wasn’t internally convinced yet. I left an emotionally unavailable partner, tried my best to heal on my own, eventually got with someone that is attentive and doesn’t make me wonder whether he cares. I think it matters a lot to remove yourself from situations you know are not healthy. You can continue healing and working on these things within yourself from the place of a good relationship too.
I took time to heal, and although I'm still a bit insecure sometimes, I've reached a point where I fell confident that whatever happens (in a relationship I mean), I will do fine. I'm enough, I have a job, a family, hobbies. I've stopped looking for avoidant people that would confirm I'm not enough. Cause now I am, and I make sure everyone knows
Dumped the avoidant and got with a secure partner. Over time it made me more secure. Also spending more time focused on my own hobbies and not getting lost into the relationship
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It made every man think he could make me his little manic pixie dream girl. That and I had very little self respect or confidence. I grew up and fixed those two things and suddenly, men who where shit started just looking like nothing more then an icky red flag. I’m currently now engaged to the most wonderful of men who hasn’t been “just bare minimum” in his life. And he was raised by a Lesbian, and had the most incredible set of morals. AND HE IS HOT AS FUCK
I’m not fully over it but I recently made a major breakthrough with it. Heidi Priebe on YouTube talks bout attachment theory. I’d highly recommend her videos.
What has helped for me is I let myself truly sit with the anxiety I felt every time he would go out without me and not talk to me the rest of the night. I let myself understand how it made my body feel and really listened to what my body had to say when I felt anxious.
I tried to speak to myself and wonder if there were parallels in my past that made me feel anxious like this and what was the root cause for that anxiety (usually had to do with guardians not giving enough attention when I needed it).
It got better as I got older. I journaled a lot in my early 20s and it really helped me identify some of my key issues in relationships. Understand what’s attracting you to people who don’t desire you like you desire them.
Emdr therapy, I had childhood wounds that I knew about and some that I didn’t. Once I got to the root and continued therapy I’ve learned ways to do relationships different.
I didn't do it on my own. My now husband has secure attachment style. It took me over 5 years of calm trust from him to get rid of almost all my anxious attachment reactions.
I still have a knee jerk reaction in my mind but I have learned to soothe myself down and not react outwardly.
TBH I don’t think it ever goes away. Well, at least that’s the case for me. I have just learned to recognize the emotions and feelings that trigger my own actions. There’s nothing wrong with being anxious. It’s when our love language is not reciprocated that our attachment style is triggered. If we don’t learn to recognize this and deal with it immediately it becomes unhealthy for us and the toxic relationship begins. Sending you positive vibes and energy for a relaxed nervous system. It’s hard. No doubt.
My anxious attachment used to (probably still do tbh) be really, really bad. It was to the point where I couldn’t keep food down and I was literally starving, or vomiting my food up. What therapy and books on attachment styles like “[Attached](https://youtu.be/7fdGa4KcTy0?si=n0ig-9T9bJDqKPE_)” (listen for free on YouTube) helped me realize is that I was attracting men who were triggering me with their inconsistent behavior, which I often overlooked. If I’m to be in a relationship I need a man who is secure and will give a lot of attention. The problem is that secure men often stay in long term relationships because they are secure, so a lot of what’s left over are avoidant and wishy-washy men. So now I’m focused solely on building a fulfilling life with family, friends, hobbies, and etc.
I strongly suggest that you start figuring out what behaviors trigger you and ditch men who even start to trigger you.
I’m gonna be honest and say that my partner has helped me overcome a lot of it, as much as i wish i were fully self-sufficient.
together, we laid the foundation for a solid relationship. with us being secure, i was able to work on finding contentment outside of our relationship through friends and family.
i’ve completely changed over the course of our relationship, and it’s been great. having a good therapist helps, but having a supportive partner (as opposed to one who is anxious/avoidant) is the best thing i could have dreamed of in terms of healing
I am definitely a work in progress regarding this. I am still anxiously attached BUT actively working on it through therapy and a very support secure (albeit sometimes a bit avoidant) partner.
Therapy wise I am learning to be able to "sit in my discomfort" if that makes sense. If something is a problem right now, I try and put time between when I am feeling like that and when/if I bring it up to my partner. 99% of the time the angst I'm feeling right now, is gone in a few hours. I just need time to acknowledge how I feel and "investigate" whether it is really a problem or whether I am building it up in my head..
Regarding my partner, he is aware that I struggle with getting anxious (I also have diagnosed anxiety and major depression). He is so supportive in the sense that he knows what my triggers are and how to be sensitive towards them, he even manages to sidestep them sometimes by proactively making sure I don't get triggered. For example, he is someone that needs time for himself a lot. Which is fine, but after a few days I can get anxious about it. So he writes me letters to remind me how he feels about me, that this time is not because of us or our relationship but merely because he wants to just reconnect with himself or whatever the case may be. So I have that reassurance and can give him his space.
It's a work in progress. But I am very thankful for my partner and that he works with me instead of against me with my relationship anxiety. I have improved A LOT since the beginning of our relationship which has taken a huge toll off of both of us.
Lots of open communication with my current boyfriend. He’s helped me overcome a lot of my anxiety related thoughts literally by just being patient and listening. He reassures me as I go through them. We’re now a year in and honestly, it’s not as bad as it used to be. My body and mind feel safe with him; if my thoughts flair up again.. I just journal and try to release or we’ll have a conversation about it.
I more so try and journal first - do things to calm myself down and remedy my thoughts before I feel like “ok maybe just need a quick chat”
A few years of therapy with an integrative, person centred counsellor (we covered some transactional analysis, IFS and gestalt approaches). More recently, compassion focused therapy. There’s a book called “The Compassionate Mind” and an accompanying workbook that you can go through if you don’t have access to this type of therapist. Together we’ve done compassion exercises and this has been so helpful. I also do the “loving kindness” meditation from time to time. There’s a website called “Balanced Minds’’ where you can do some of their audio exercises yourself, and heaps of youtube examples of the Loving Kindness meditation.
Learning true, strong and reliable self compassion habits is an ongoing journey for me but it has made a huge difference. When you know you can rely on yourself to get a lot of your needs met, it changes your attachment issues.
I’d also echo what others have said about not staying with avoidant / inconsistent partners. Without blaming others entirely, you can be triggered by certain people and relationships even if you are healed / doing well. My relationship can be like that sometimes but we’ve both grown and developed out of it. When he does need space and I’m feeling clingy, I have a mantra “pursue your own happiness” - which helps me to refocus on myself and go and do something that is nourishing for me without needing a partner to do it with me or reassure me. It has also helped me to widen my social support network and have more friends outside the relationship.
Finally I recommend reading Polysecure by Jessica Fern. I’m only part way through, and not in a poly relationship, but decided to read it when I tarted learning about how polyamory treats feelings of jealousy and anxious attachment (i.e. an opportunity to focus on yourself and understand what it is you are craving and why). So it has still been very insightful for that.
Left the man who triggered it behind. Worked on myself, stayed busy, and then found a really meaningful relationship with someone who truly loved me and sought to understood me, and didn’t do anything weird to trigger my negative emotions. I have never once felt anxious with my now husband, he always wants to reassure me, we both work from home, and enjoy each others’ company. He’s loving and compassionate and doesn’t have weird mood swings or “need to get out of the house” or go hang with the boys. He’s emotionally mature and loves his family. Idk, he’s the most well grounded person I’ve ever met and I’m very blessed he is my peace and I’ve never had that. Been married 5 years now.
For me- I had to sit down with myself and get to the root of WHY. For me, I found that my anxious attachment style was developed early on in my life due to emotionally disconnected & immature parents. Plus emotional neglect and being bullied.
Some more questions I asked myself to get to the root cause and to understand myself better- What was making me anxious in the relationship? Is it MY partner or MY thoughts that are giving me this idea? If the person, what are they doing to make me feel unsecure in the relationship?
Something else that is super important ... SPEND TIME WITH YOURSELF!!!! Get comfortable with being on your own and being in your own space. I find that a lot of people with this attachment style (myself included) constantly feel discomfort and/or fear being alone. At the end of the day, YOU need to be 100% good with yourself. I pushed myself into an isolation/self reflection mode for 2 years. I have learned so much about myself. The more I strengthen the relationship with myself, the better and stronger my relationship is with my fiance. The more confident you are with yourself, the more confident you will be with others. and the more secure you feel with YOU.. the more secure you feel with your partner, plus others etc.
It's a lifelong journey to get better... i would also suggest therapy if you have trouble trying to do these things yourself. Professional advice is also great. I'm definitely better now than I was when I was 16, which is when my anxious attachment style was the worst.
“I’m too tired/busy to worry about this shit” - me when I start to get anxious
“He would be stupid to cheat on me, and if he does, that’s his problem.” - me when I am still anxious
Build up your self worth so that if someone cheats on you or leaves you, you’d be confident in ending the relationship right then and there. Realize you will be fine without the other person, and if they choose to cheat, they’re a fucking moron.
Having an open line of communication with your partner really helps. I tell my partner when I’m feeling anxious, and he will ask why. We will have a conversation to help get to the root of the issue. And then we are ok.
It also helps to have your own hobby that will distract you. For example, I get separation anxiety if he goes to hangout with friends and I’m home alone. All I could think about is what he’s doing… if I go out to play softball when he’s with friends, he doesn’t cross my mind once while I’m playing.
Edit: I also want to add that I got significantly more confident when I got a big promotion at work. I’m now the breadwinner and my husband stays at home. He would have to be incredibly stupid to cheat on me at this point.
I took a long time to heal my relationship with myself.
It was not easy, but I managed to heal my anxious attachment style. It still pops up from time to time, but I am able to self-soothe now.
Honestly I just stay single. If I was going to invest in someone romantically I’d let them show me they really want to be with me. In the past I’d always spoil men right away by cooking them amazing meals, giving them back massages, remembering all their favorite foods and drinks. I’m not going to do that anymore unless a guy can show me first he’s willing to put some effort in. I used to be so naive in thinking if I showed a guy how awesome I was then they would like me but that just got me used!
Went to therapy to work through my traumas, then got active in different hobbies where I found community and different circles of friends.
Made meaningful relationships with both male and female friends, and I would address all my problems in my relationships directly.
I would also leave a relationships behind if I felt like I was being done wrong or being treated unfairly.
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I read the attached book by Amir Levine. I took notes and used it like a bible when looking for my next partner. My partner was thankfully secure attachment, and that really helped me be secure myself. We’ve been together for 3 years now, best partner I’ve ever had.
I don’t think attachment styles are an exact science. I have ex partner(s?) who would probably categorize me as anxious attachment. My last ever “ex boyfriend” comes to mind specifically. I didn’t realize how shit of a person he was until I dated and then married a man who didn’t lie to me and had actual integrity and honesty. Not a perfect person, nobody is. Just a good dude with clear intentions that was able to communicate in a non hostile way. Now I seemingly don’t have an “anxious attachment style” bone in my body.
My point is that I think “anxious attachment” is also just what you get when you make a partner question their place in your life and then get defensive about why they might be questioning it. It’s what you get when you are unwilling to progress a relationship or make space for your significant other in your life. It’s also what you get when you refuse to grow up and stop partying super hard and your partner is trying to grow into an adult.
My ex would absolutely lie to me, leave things out, I think he was like borderline delusional (and if not just outright abusively gaslight-y)about how much he contributed to the upkeep of our co-living space. Constant fights, he drank too much and did too many drugs, really developed a coke and mescaline habit near the end of the relationship there, wasted tens of thousands of his elderly and not super well-off grandpa’s dollars flunking out of a very top tier grad school over and over again for no good reason, didn’t like me being friends with his friends because he felt like it infringed on his ability to be himself when hanging out with them (red flag lmao!!). Several of those friends were women he had dated or slept with before and then didn’t tell me about it until I found out from someone else. Those fights really ended up with me begging for forgiveness for expressing discomfort with it and seeming like an anxiously attached person. He refused to let me tag along most of the time, and on many occasions he would get blackout drunk with his friends and show up at my house and literally like pee on a chair in my dining room.
My god I can’t believe I ever thought this loser was worth fighting for. He wouldn’t apologize for or acknowledge legitimate errors or wrongdoings for weeks or years afterward, if ever. Would get mad if I brought it up for closure later. He lied to his parents about who he was. (Strict parents.) He made my family lie to his parents for him, my poor parents. He was manipulative, he gave me the silent treatment, before we lived together he would refuse to speak to me for days at a time or just go on trips with friends (who all were bringing their significant others but not him despite me being invited) that he didn’t want me to join. He expected me to want to put out all the time! He accused me of having a low libido LOL! He would eventually start just like watching porn on the couch next to me before having two hour long masturbation sessions where I wasn’t able to access our bedroom in the middle of a day on the weekend. I think he wanted me to feel guilty that he “had” to masturbate?
Of course this man made me a nervous wreck! I thought he was smart (true), had a good job (true), wanted an exceptional life (true), I saw his potential, which was exactly what he wanted me to see and nothing else. Writing all of this out is honestly therapeutic, this guy was a serious loser and I’m embarrassed I thought otherwise. Maybe, my way of getting out of my anxious attachment style was realizing that I might be anxious because the person I was with was *making* me anxious by being a douchebag and it’s just really hard to see from within.
Phew. Lol! I think maybe my biggest downfall was getting to a point in life where I wasn’t sure if real good dudes existed. I am not joking when I thank my lucky starts nearly every day for finding my husband. He actually likes being around me, he’s proud to introduce me to his friends and his family, and he’s honest and fair and legitimately hard working. I have no problem with anything he’s ever wanted to do whether I’m there or not. He’s amazing and hot. Amazing dudes are out there, I swear.
just loving yourself and putting yourself first, also never go for low ballers because at least if they f you over you get to experience nice things and it makws your time worth while. men love differently, so you have to learn it and get used to it but make sure you love yourself first.
Remember what they did for you when you were in trouble. People naturally want to avoid conflict. For someone to be there for you at your darkest moments, it means more than a million.
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How do you know if you need medication? I can’t tell if my bad thoughts trigger the anxiety, or the anxiety triggers the bad thoughts/ paranoia about my partner being up to something
Honestly it was my last resort. Things just got so bad, meaning my behavior and anxiety seemed out of control. I had been going to therapy on and off for a couple years at this point and it only seemed to be temporarily helping, so I had enough. I was terrible to myself, my partner, and other things I cared about in life and was getting on my own nerves lol. So i sought medication, which has its own challenges. But it at least allowed me to "slow down" mentally and i was able to process my thoughts and not be so damn reactive, anxious, etc. I stopped taking it after about 1.5 yr and can more or less do the same thought processing as i did while on it :) (I still go to therapy)
I had that same vicious cycle as you, being paranoid about my partner. But tbh it was just me not knowing how to self soothe. Which the meds also helped with
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This may sound immature and vain but hey this worked ;) I started developing a Superiority complex, going radio silent for periods of time, and surfacing back up with a mysterious social media post.
During the time that I struggled with my curiosity about the other person, and detachment, I also accidently discovered that the other person had issues, and generally people associated to their circle started dissing their behaviour, or avoiding them altogether. This made my will stronger, and somehow this idea of the other person being the shittier one helped my cause. Not that I was seeking this out, but this purely coincidental set of events just made me stronger/ less detached. To the point that I do not care anymore. I have no feelings of Love, Hate or even better: Curiosity anymore.
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Stop thinking there's only one partner for you. There's
Billions of people on the planet.
So be selective be picky.
Decide if you even like them.
Don't worry if they like you.
You don't get to control that anyways
Keeping yourself busy doing things that make you happy! Find out what makes you happy and dedicate time to doing those things. I found that physical activity made me feel better and more in touch with myself. I also enjoy cooking, try finding a recipe that looks delicious and make it for yourself :) Give yourself your all because you deserve it!
I still am triggered sometimes but one day I decided I was tired to be anxious all the time and I refuse to look for reasons to be anxious . Its important to water the good with your partner.
I came to realize im more like that due to previous relationships that direspected me than because of his behaviour. I always try to breath and think why Am I anxious and why do I feel like that.
Its not much but it helps me.
Therapy helps me also a BIG TIME.
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Honestly just being sick and tired of it. Of attracting the fkn avoidants of boys, each the same. So I got busy. Focusing on me. Being kinder towards me. Spending quality time with myself, I have taken me to the beach several times, to a weekend away near a forest by myself. Taking little roadtrips with me. Listening to me. I grew up with emotional unavailable parents, father passed when I was 12, ex-stepdad assaulted me, didn't want us kids and did everything in his power to grip his claws in my mom. She let him. I was uncared for. Moved around a lot, lost too many friends. Just a total shitshow. I always carried fear, grudges, anger so much anger. And now I'm free. Why? Because I have forgiven, I have learned and grown. I have became secure within myself, and therefore I can be secure in my attachment to my bf and can spot real and genuine people. My mind wanders, my old wounds still get triggered, it's okay. I can't control other people, only me. My response, my words, my actions. So that's what I do. And it's amazing. To love and be free is amazing. It'll work out, and in the meanwhile, whatever you feel is valid!!!! And I'd suggest making your attachment able to discuss with your partner. Realize your worth and the right one stays.
This is so beautifully put, thank you for sharing <3
You just wrote what I’ve been going through and realizing about myself. It’s such a relief once you realize that you are ACTUALLY in control as long as you TRUST that the universe knows what it’s doing and just focus on you and have fun discovering how awesome you are and how beautiful life can be 🫶
Damn, such wise kind words, thanks for sharing!
i carried so much anger within myself as well, until i forgave the most important person, myself.
This blew my mind. Thank you for sharing.
Take my upvote! A key thing you mentioned is realizing you can't control others. Letting go of that need to convince someone to give you the attention you want is freeing! If someone isn't giving you what you need, you have control over yourself enough to leave. Knowing that you will be there for you means you know you will always be taken care of. In turn, that will help you identify who is a genuine person vs who isn't, because you won't be chasing people around anymore. It's lovely.
Did you ever do therapy or did you just do this all on your own? It’s amazing what you’ve overcome and I hope to follow this path as well.
I want what you have, thanks for sharing
Agree!! For me I had to spend a lot of time with myself in reflection and now when things upset me I don’t instantly need to discuss them. For me I feel that it’s best to wait on it and see how it is bothering me, why it is bothering me, it if it is truly something this person did or if it is ME putting a spin on it and just taking a beat really gives me a lot of regulation of myself and the relationship. I can figure out how upset I am and I’m able to talk about my feelings a lot better without it feeling like an attack on the other person. When I start to feel anxious and worked up because *they* are having some type of issue I really just say to myself not all emergencies are MY emergencies. Remembering that just like on airplanes when they talk about the how the oxygen masks come down and you have to put one on yourself first before helping others… you need to help yourself first before you can help someone else. This soothes me into a less stressed state to where I’m not trying to fix something that literally no one asked me to fix.
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Not being with someone who triggers it. If someone starts to make me feel anxious and start doubting things. I think that's my intuition telling me something is up? I can't make people change but I can protect myself in these instances. I learned that the anxiety isn't something that is unwarranted. And it usually shows up when major inconsistencies show up. Words not aligning with actions, weird behavior that wasn't there before. So typically it's there for a reason.
Thisssss. I used to consider myself mostly secure with some anxious leanings. Then I fell in love with someone avoidant who ran very hot and cold and I felt increasingly anxious for way too long. I wasted so much time in that relationship trying to work around and ignore what my intuition told me about that wishy washy person from the beginning 😭 – lesson painfully learned! I don’t regret it because I needed to learn that for myself.. but don’t be like me and get out earlier. I read way too many “How to make it work with an avoidant” books and articles and now my answer to that question is one word: “Don’t.” ☠️
I had a thing for lovebombers. As soon as they got the meathooks into me and they suddenly changed up the behavior that's when I would be anxious and in my head and fawning. And self abandoning. Also dating apps in general. They create such an unnatural expectation. Of sex or relationship so it makes me feel nervous. I rather meet someone organically and gradually get to know them without the pressure of dating/something more looming.
Yes to everything you said! I hadn’t really met a love bomber like that before and I fell right in. Very glad to be out of that now. Focusing right now on building up a full life living alone with lots of hobbies and friends and family time, not feeling ready for dating apps yet.
Are you me? I could’ve written this word for word 😂
This totally makes sense. I have an anxious attachment style but it all depends on who I’m with. One of my ex’s triggered it so bad that I thought something was wrong with me bur he turned out to be avoidant and we were incompatible. I hope to find someone I could have conversations with. I realized that if I talked about it and they listened, my anxiety goes away. 🥲
Agreed. There's definitely an element of working towards being less anxious leaning and more secure during a relationship but honestly the anxiety is a sign that something is wrong like you say. If the other person can't work towards a secure relationship with you then the anxiety just compounds and compromises your own ability to be and feel at all secure
This is what did it for me! I have never been so comfortable in a relationship as I am with my husband
This is so true. I'm definitely anxious by nature but my ex is avoidant. He recently ghosted me (and our marriage) and I've gone in constant circles of blaming myself and my reaction to things - but then I think that I didn't have bad reactions due to nothing. I had anxious reactions based on knowing, deep down, that something wasn't right and he could never tell me anything real. He would just insist he loved me, was happy with me, never wanted to leave - and then one day it was "our time is up" and he was having an affair. If I had known about attachment styles before, I would have tried to react more calmly but it's really, really difficult to do that when you know the other person isn't being open with you.
Exactly.i truly believe a big part of "anxious attachments" say more about the partner than it does the person attached. I always thought I was anxiously attached until I met my current partner. Weird coincidence that he's the first guy to not manipulate me or leave me in the dark for days at a time occasionally.
Yeah as anxiously attached people, just let go at the first sign of red flags. It isn’t your fault, you can’t fix them, they won’t magically change. On to the next.
this times one million
This exactly.
What about if it’s your own fears and trauma with trust making you think it’s intuition rather than anxiety?
I came here to say this exact same thing 🙌🏼
I did a few years of trauma therapy to address the original traumas that made me that way, and that’s helped a lot.
Thanks for the reply ! Could you maybe tell me the mindset shift and how you pacify yourself when you get anxious :)
I can’t easily sum up years’ worth of therapy in a Reddit comment, but I can tell you that Internal Family Systems is the therapy modality that helped me most and there are many books available on it.
I came here to suggest IFS too! A good book to start with is “No Bad Parts” but it’s also so helpful to work with a therapist trained in IFS.
thank u!
I did emdr therapy for related trauma in my life w/dad, partners. I worked on negative core beliefs of myself (im unlovable, not good enough) and also used emdr to kind of "re-file" my thoughts and reprocess new thoughts, the opposite, that i know are true but somehow i was so put down by others i believed them. These days when i am upset and anxious i literally refer to the feelings wheel and let myself feel it. I go sit in a corner and cry alone and let it out, ask myself why i feel that way (am i being defensive/insecure?), i stay honest with myself and i tell myself its valid to feel that--at that moment. When i can stop crying and being butthurt, i truly am over it and forget about it because i allowed it to happen and i heard my own damn self 👏
As others have mentioned therapy. Also spending a lot of time single and really finding who I am as a person and having passions and hobbies I can really focus on instead of making my life revolve around my partners. I used to have low self esteem and not really know who I was. I’d get in relationships and all my time and energy was spent on thinking about them and revolving my life around them. Now that I know who I am and am happy without a partner, when I get one I don’t need to cling on for dear life thinking my soul purpose is to be with a man. Makes me a lot less anxious about losing them because I know I am a good catch and I’ll be good if it does or doesn’t work out.
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Finally found a man who is patient, kind, shows he loves me, verbally tells me, and communicates daily with me. He went on a work trip in Miami, told me he was at a bar and after my initial response, he showed me reassurance that he wasn’t going to be there long and texted me shortly after when he was at the hotel and called me before bed. Having a man or partner who shows you that they are genuine with you has helped, as well as being self aware and working on the attachment as well. (Self help books, questioning why I feel this or that why etc)
Yes! I’ve got a partner like this and it makes all of the difference. The other day, I was feeling particularly anxious, and he calmly told me that he’ll let me know straight away if I’ve done anything to upset him, so don’t misinterpret texts (I am so bad with this) and essentially, no news is good news. It lifted such a weight of my shoulders. He is so caring and patient with me.
Do you feel like over time you will need less reassurance from him?
Yes! I have already have needed less from him compared to the beginning. Great question. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel 🤗
That’s amazing!!! I’m so happy you have that security and it’s helping you grow ❤️
In a similar situation. Been in a healthy relationship for about 4.5 months after being with someone emotionally abusive and avoidant for 2 years. My answer is yes. The amount of trust in myself and in my partner I developed in such a short amount of time has been insane. I think just knowing and realizing he’s there if I really need him helps me deal with my own problems better. My relationship with myself has improved significantly.
Honestly that’s all anyone can hope for in a relationship. That it helps you grow as a human and brings you peace and safety.
Definitely. That should be the point of being in a relationship. Helping each other grow and enjoying each other’s presence. It’s hard to do that if you don’t develop your own self worth first!
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Lots of therapy and time prioritizing self growth as a single person.
Time spent single. I started building the life I wanted. Doing things that made me proud of myself. I started enjoying my life more. Appreciating myself, building up my self worth, examining what I wanted from a relationship and learning that I was worth everything I wanted. All of that put me in a place to advocate for myself rather than expecting others to do so. At the same time I learnt I was doing a disservice to both myself AND my future partner by not just asking for what I wanted and calmly setting the boundaries upfront that would make me feel comfortable. I realised becoming secure didn’t mean “stop having needs”, it actually meant “embrace and accept your needs”. When I tell my partner what makes me happy/upset, or communicate boundaries, it helps us both feel secure. There’s no resentment. I’m more relaxed because I’m not trying to convince myself I shouldn’t feel how I actually feel, or trying to be someone I’m not in the name of keeping the peace - none of which made my partner happy. I’m still not perfect. It’s a work in progress. But I’m back in a relationship with someone I dated when I was anxiously attached. Since then, both of us have become more secure and healthier. I tried so hard to be the perfect partner to him all those years ago and it turns out that by just accepting myself, communicating openly, not making myself small and not pretending I don’t have feelings/needs/boundaries, I’m actually a far better partner this time around. We are both happier. He treats me extremely well and we have far less conflict, because if something’s wrong we aren’t playing 3D chess to avoid it, we address it and move on. At the same time, if he’s having a bad day, I can recognise it’s probably not about me. I can be supportive without spiralling about what one bad day means for our relationship. I say all of this because when I was anxiously attached, part of me really believed that my way of handling conflict was good or correct or even “moral”. I think one of the steps in becoming secure is accepting that your way of being in relationships is causing issues. A lot of advice is to just date someone securely attached, but I think as someone who is anxiously attached it’s far too easy to just blame our choice in partner, and not really rethink our views on boundaries, communication, needs etc.
This is really helpful and inspiring. Thanks for sharing, and congratulations on your successful reunion! :)
Was there an ebb and flow of you feeling confident and knowing what you wanted paired witha possible excitement of someone new who could potentially be great?
Yes for sure! I mostly remember learning to be truly happy being single, which is really useful because I’m no longer dependent on a partner to make me happy or feel at peace with myself. Once I had that security in myself, it was easier to get excited by the thought of dating again; whatever happened I knew I could trust myself. But ebb and flow is a good way of describing it; healing and growing aren’t linear
however you do it, whatever amount of pain you have to go through-you gotta really understand, way down in your bones, that no matter what happens with your person you really will be ok. im not an awesome, or smart, or enlightened enough person to just know this. that punk mutherfucker abused the shit outta me and threw me away, being homeless for a second time with basically no support-im getting stronger every day. i have never been able to emotionally survive the toxicity. what people did really hurt me and totally controlled how i felt. but now, its not that i dont give a fuck. its that i realize that everyone makes their own choices, its ok for it to be unfair, and im the same ok i was before the wave of emotions arrived. so on a really bad day, i might cry for a few minutes, but then i get back to winning. I'm not going to let other people control how i feel or stop me from being happy. i also have a strong spiritual practice that gives me hope-i listen to a lot of rock music.
I’ve had some big realizations over the years in therapy: - my need for reassurance can be met by ME. I do not need another person to reassure me. - my partner cannot read my mind. I need to communicate what makes me feel loved and listened to. They cannot read my mind and I shouldn’t expect things if I haven’t asked for it. - if I spent more of my time doing individual hobbies that bring me joy instead of being anxious about my relationship, I’d probably be happier. - thinking about why certain behaviors cause me anxiety.. usually something my mom did in the past is the reason why I’m getting triggered now. realizing my partner would never treat me that way. him listening to me and empathizing
Therapy & having met my partner who was 100% confident in his secure attachment from the start. I also think personally that there’s an active choice to choose to trust someone. You have to flip the switch and lean into trust.
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Not settling for people who play games and give me crumbs of attention and string me along. It's exhausting and I have better things to do with my limited amount of energy and free time nowadays. Being single for 3+ years has taught me how much I enjoy my time alone and with a small circle of close friends and I don't have patience for those who disrupt that peace.
I got extremely lucky and met a man who has the same attachment style as me. We are both a little clingy and he thinks it’s cute when I call him a million times a day because I want to tell him each thought I have and want to know all of his thoughts. He reassures me and makes me feel so comfortable and secure and loved and I do the same for him. Best relationship so far and I have high hopes for the future
I don't think i stopped having it but I reduced it a lot and am getting more secure. Mostly through a truly safe relationship, time, and trusting. Letting go of trying to know and control. I still have insecure attachment, but that's okay, it doesn't get in the way now. It's more like just a style, me and my boyfriend are a little bit clingy without insecurity (that's key) and we both enjoy it.
Listen to the podcast “Do The Work”. Seriously life changing when it comes to dating with an anxious attachment style
Does it help beyond telling you to just avoid dating avoidant attachment people?
Absolutely! The host talks about all kinds of stuff regarding relationships and anxiety/trauma in general. Her main message though, is helping you understand your anxious attachment and helping you self soothe when you feel triggered. It’s definitely more about looking inward, rather than just avoiding the avoidant.
Love this. I’m definitely going to check it out!
I read the book “Attached”. Then I started setting hard boundaries. Once I found people only wanted me around cause I was a people pleaser I slowly changed my people. Soon I was around amazing people who valued me for just being me and not what I could or would do for them. That lead me to feeling more confident and also trusting in people so I stopped most of the anxious questioning. When I did feel it I was able to communicate why I was feeling it and what I needed to feel secure again (gratitude, hugs, reassurance, etc) and now it rarely ever happens.
I started acting like I deserved a non avoidant partner, even if I wasn’t internally convinced yet. I left an emotionally unavailable partner, tried my best to heal on my own, eventually got with someone that is attentive and doesn’t make me wonder whether he cares. I think it matters a lot to remove yourself from situations you know are not healthy. You can continue healing and working on these things within yourself from the place of a good relationship too.
I took time to heal, and although I'm still a bit insecure sometimes, I've reached a point where I fell confident that whatever happens (in a relationship I mean), I will do fine. I'm enough, I have a job, a family, hobbies. I've stopped looking for avoidant people that would confirm I'm not enough. Cause now I am, and I make sure everyone knows
Dumped the avoidant and got with a secure partner. Over time it made me more secure. Also spending more time focused on my own hobbies and not getting lost into the relationship
Started liking myself more than pleasing others.
Keep getting hurt/played/used until you end up avoidant /s but also this is lowkey what I did on accident
Came here to say the same thing lol
That anxious to avoidant pipeline got us
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It made every man think he could make me his little manic pixie dream girl. That and I had very little self respect or confidence. I grew up and fixed those two things and suddenly, men who where shit started just looking like nothing more then an icky red flag. I’m currently now engaged to the most wonderful of men who hasn’t been “just bare minimum” in his life. And he was raised by a Lesbian, and had the most incredible set of morals. AND HE IS HOT AS FUCK
I’m not fully over it but I recently made a major breakthrough with it. Heidi Priebe on YouTube talks bout attachment theory. I’d highly recommend her videos. What has helped for me is I let myself truly sit with the anxiety I felt every time he would go out without me and not talk to me the rest of the night. I let myself understand how it made my body feel and really listened to what my body had to say when I felt anxious. I tried to speak to myself and wonder if there were parallels in my past that made me feel anxious like this and what was the root cause for that anxiety (usually had to do with guardians not giving enough attention when I needed it).
Having a patient partner. And understanding. I still struggle to this day, but open communication with his is what keeps me from losing my mind.
It got better as I got older. I journaled a lot in my early 20s and it really helped me identify some of my key issues in relationships. Understand what’s attracting you to people who don’t desire you like you desire them.
Emdr therapy, I had childhood wounds that I knew about and some that I didn’t. Once I got to the root and continued therapy I’ve learned ways to do relationships different.
Still working on it 😆
I didn't do it on my own. My now husband has secure attachment style. It took me over 5 years of calm trust from him to get rid of almost all my anxious attachment reactions. I still have a knee jerk reaction in my mind but I have learned to soothe myself down and not react outwardly.
TBH I don’t think it ever goes away. Well, at least that’s the case for me. I have just learned to recognize the emotions and feelings that trigger my own actions. There’s nothing wrong with being anxious. It’s when our love language is not reciprocated that our attachment style is triggered. If we don’t learn to recognize this and deal with it immediately it becomes unhealthy for us and the toxic relationship begins. Sending you positive vibes and energy for a relaxed nervous system. It’s hard. No doubt.
Therapy + dating someone compassionate
Didn't overcome it per se, I eventually developed an avoidant attachment style. Now I dish out the heartbreaks instead of being on the receiving end.
After twenty three years of marriage it’s faded to about 60% of what it once was
My anxious attachment used to (probably still do tbh) be really, really bad. It was to the point where I couldn’t keep food down and I was literally starving, or vomiting my food up. What therapy and books on attachment styles like “[Attached](https://youtu.be/7fdGa4KcTy0?si=n0ig-9T9bJDqKPE_)” (listen for free on YouTube) helped me realize is that I was attracting men who were triggering me with their inconsistent behavior, which I often overlooked. If I’m to be in a relationship I need a man who is secure and will give a lot of attention. The problem is that secure men often stay in long term relationships because they are secure, so a lot of what’s left over are avoidant and wishy-washy men. So now I’m focused solely on building a fulfilling life with family, friends, hobbies, and etc. I strongly suggest that you start figuring out what behaviors trigger you and ditch men who even start to trigger you.
I’m gonna be honest and say that my partner has helped me overcome a lot of it, as much as i wish i were fully self-sufficient. together, we laid the foundation for a solid relationship. with us being secure, i was able to work on finding contentment outside of our relationship through friends and family. i’ve completely changed over the course of our relationship, and it’s been great. having a good therapist helps, but having a supportive partner (as opposed to one who is anxious/avoidant) is the best thing i could have dreamed of in terms of healing
I am definitely a work in progress regarding this. I am still anxiously attached BUT actively working on it through therapy and a very support secure (albeit sometimes a bit avoidant) partner. Therapy wise I am learning to be able to "sit in my discomfort" if that makes sense. If something is a problem right now, I try and put time between when I am feeling like that and when/if I bring it up to my partner. 99% of the time the angst I'm feeling right now, is gone in a few hours. I just need time to acknowledge how I feel and "investigate" whether it is really a problem or whether I am building it up in my head.. Regarding my partner, he is aware that I struggle with getting anxious (I also have diagnosed anxiety and major depression). He is so supportive in the sense that he knows what my triggers are and how to be sensitive towards them, he even manages to sidestep them sometimes by proactively making sure I don't get triggered. For example, he is someone that needs time for himself a lot. Which is fine, but after a few days I can get anxious about it. So he writes me letters to remind me how he feels about me, that this time is not because of us or our relationship but merely because he wants to just reconnect with himself or whatever the case may be. So I have that reassurance and can give him his space. It's a work in progress. But I am very thankful for my partner and that he works with me instead of against me with my relationship anxiety. I have improved A LOT since the beginning of our relationship which has taken a huge toll off of both of us.
DBT Therapy
Therapy and working through the trauma that is the cause of being anxiously attached. It’s hard work, I’m still doing it but it’s so worth it.
Lots of open communication with my current boyfriend. He’s helped me overcome a lot of my anxiety related thoughts literally by just being patient and listening. He reassures me as I go through them. We’re now a year in and honestly, it’s not as bad as it used to be. My body and mind feel safe with him; if my thoughts flair up again.. I just journal and try to release or we’ll have a conversation about it. I more so try and journal first - do things to calm myself down and remedy my thoughts before I feel like “ok maybe just need a quick chat”
Therapy and the book Daring Greatly by Brene Brown
When I met someone who was actually nice to me and treated me like a human being and then I realised I didn't have anxious attachment.
A few years of therapy with an integrative, person centred counsellor (we covered some transactional analysis, IFS and gestalt approaches). More recently, compassion focused therapy. There’s a book called “The Compassionate Mind” and an accompanying workbook that you can go through if you don’t have access to this type of therapist. Together we’ve done compassion exercises and this has been so helpful. I also do the “loving kindness” meditation from time to time. There’s a website called “Balanced Minds’’ where you can do some of their audio exercises yourself, and heaps of youtube examples of the Loving Kindness meditation. Learning true, strong and reliable self compassion habits is an ongoing journey for me but it has made a huge difference. When you know you can rely on yourself to get a lot of your needs met, it changes your attachment issues. I’d also echo what others have said about not staying with avoidant / inconsistent partners. Without blaming others entirely, you can be triggered by certain people and relationships even if you are healed / doing well. My relationship can be like that sometimes but we’ve both grown and developed out of it. When he does need space and I’m feeling clingy, I have a mantra “pursue your own happiness” - which helps me to refocus on myself and go and do something that is nourishing for me without needing a partner to do it with me or reassure me. It has also helped me to widen my social support network and have more friends outside the relationship. Finally I recommend reading Polysecure by Jessica Fern. I’m only part way through, and not in a poly relationship, but decided to read it when I tarted learning about how polyamory treats feelings of jealousy and anxious attachment (i.e. an opportunity to focus on yourself and understand what it is you are craving and why). So it has still been very insightful for that.
Left the man who triggered it behind. Worked on myself, stayed busy, and then found a really meaningful relationship with someone who truly loved me and sought to understood me, and didn’t do anything weird to trigger my negative emotions. I have never once felt anxious with my now husband, he always wants to reassure me, we both work from home, and enjoy each others’ company. He’s loving and compassionate and doesn’t have weird mood swings or “need to get out of the house” or go hang with the boys. He’s emotionally mature and loves his family. Idk, he’s the most well grounded person I’ve ever met and I’m very blessed he is my peace and I’ve never had that. Been married 5 years now.
For me- I had to sit down with myself and get to the root of WHY. For me, I found that my anxious attachment style was developed early on in my life due to emotionally disconnected & immature parents. Plus emotional neglect and being bullied. Some more questions I asked myself to get to the root cause and to understand myself better- What was making me anxious in the relationship? Is it MY partner or MY thoughts that are giving me this idea? If the person, what are they doing to make me feel unsecure in the relationship? Something else that is super important ... SPEND TIME WITH YOURSELF!!!! Get comfortable with being on your own and being in your own space. I find that a lot of people with this attachment style (myself included) constantly feel discomfort and/or fear being alone. At the end of the day, YOU need to be 100% good with yourself. I pushed myself into an isolation/self reflection mode for 2 years. I have learned so much about myself. The more I strengthen the relationship with myself, the better and stronger my relationship is with my fiance. The more confident you are with yourself, the more confident you will be with others. and the more secure you feel with YOU.. the more secure you feel with your partner, plus others etc. It's a lifelong journey to get better... i would also suggest therapy if you have trouble trying to do these things yourself. Professional advice is also great. I'm definitely better now than I was when I was 16, which is when my anxious attachment style was the worst.
“I’m too tired/busy to worry about this shit” - me when I start to get anxious “He would be stupid to cheat on me, and if he does, that’s his problem.” - me when I am still anxious Build up your self worth so that if someone cheats on you or leaves you, you’d be confident in ending the relationship right then and there. Realize you will be fine without the other person, and if they choose to cheat, they’re a fucking moron. Having an open line of communication with your partner really helps. I tell my partner when I’m feeling anxious, and he will ask why. We will have a conversation to help get to the root of the issue. And then we are ok. It also helps to have your own hobby that will distract you. For example, I get separation anxiety if he goes to hangout with friends and I’m home alone. All I could think about is what he’s doing… if I go out to play softball when he’s with friends, he doesn’t cross my mind once while I’m playing. Edit: I also want to add that I got significantly more confident when I got a big promotion at work. I’m now the breadwinner and my husband stays at home. He would have to be incredibly stupid to cheat on me at this point.
I took a long time to heal my relationship with myself. It was not easy, but I managed to heal my anxious attachment style. It still pops up from time to time, but I am able to self-soothe now.
Honestly I just stay single. If I was going to invest in someone romantically I’d let them show me they really want to be with me. In the past I’d always spoil men right away by cooking them amazing meals, giving them back massages, remembering all their favorite foods and drinks. I’m not going to do that anymore unless a guy can show me first he’s willing to put some effort in. I used to be so naive in thinking if I showed a guy how awesome I was then they would like me but that just got me used!
Went to therapy to work through my traumas, then got active in different hobbies where I found community and different circles of friends. Made meaningful relationships with both male and female friends, and I would address all my problems in my relationships directly. I would also leave a relationships behind if I felt like I was being done wrong or being treated unfairly.
Read codependent no more!
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I read the attached book by Amir Levine. I took notes and used it like a bible when looking for my next partner. My partner was thankfully secure attachment, and that really helped me be secure myself. We’ve been together for 3 years now, best partner I’ve ever had.
I don’t think attachment styles are an exact science. I have ex partner(s?) who would probably categorize me as anxious attachment. My last ever “ex boyfriend” comes to mind specifically. I didn’t realize how shit of a person he was until I dated and then married a man who didn’t lie to me and had actual integrity and honesty. Not a perfect person, nobody is. Just a good dude with clear intentions that was able to communicate in a non hostile way. Now I seemingly don’t have an “anxious attachment style” bone in my body. My point is that I think “anxious attachment” is also just what you get when you make a partner question their place in your life and then get defensive about why they might be questioning it. It’s what you get when you are unwilling to progress a relationship or make space for your significant other in your life. It’s also what you get when you refuse to grow up and stop partying super hard and your partner is trying to grow into an adult. My ex would absolutely lie to me, leave things out, I think he was like borderline delusional (and if not just outright abusively gaslight-y)about how much he contributed to the upkeep of our co-living space. Constant fights, he drank too much and did too many drugs, really developed a coke and mescaline habit near the end of the relationship there, wasted tens of thousands of his elderly and not super well-off grandpa’s dollars flunking out of a very top tier grad school over and over again for no good reason, didn’t like me being friends with his friends because he felt like it infringed on his ability to be himself when hanging out with them (red flag lmao!!). Several of those friends were women he had dated or slept with before and then didn’t tell me about it until I found out from someone else. Those fights really ended up with me begging for forgiveness for expressing discomfort with it and seeming like an anxiously attached person. He refused to let me tag along most of the time, and on many occasions he would get blackout drunk with his friends and show up at my house and literally like pee on a chair in my dining room. My god I can’t believe I ever thought this loser was worth fighting for. He wouldn’t apologize for or acknowledge legitimate errors or wrongdoings for weeks or years afterward, if ever. Would get mad if I brought it up for closure later. He lied to his parents about who he was. (Strict parents.) He made my family lie to his parents for him, my poor parents. He was manipulative, he gave me the silent treatment, before we lived together he would refuse to speak to me for days at a time or just go on trips with friends (who all were bringing their significant others but not him despite me being invited) that he didn’t want me to join. He expected me to want to put out all the time! He accused me of having a low libido LOL! He would eventually start just like watching porn on the couch next to me before having two hour long masturbation sessions where I wasn’t able to access our bedroom in the middle of a day on the weekend. I think he wanted me to feel guilty that he “had” to masturbate? Of course this man made me a nervous wreck! I thought he was smart (true), had a good job (true), wanted an exceptional life (true), I saw his potential, which was exactly what he wanted me to see and nothing else. Writing all of this out is honestly therapeutic, this guy was a serious loser and I’m embarrassed I thought otherwise. Maybe, my way of getting out of my anxious attachment style was realizing that I might be anxious because the person I was with was *making* me anxious by being a douchebag and it’s just really hard to see from within. Phew. Lol! I think maybe my biggest downfall was getting to a point in life where I wasn’t sure if real good dudes existed. I am not joking when I thank my lucky starts nearly every day for finding my husband. He actually likes being around me, he’s proud to introduce me to his friends and his family, and he’s honest and fair and legitimately hard working. I have no problem with anything he’s ever wanted to do whether I’m there or not. He’s amazing and hot. Amazing dudes are out there, I swear.
just loving yourself and putting yourself first, also never go for low ballers because at least if they f you over you get to experience nice things and it makws your time worth while. men love differently, so you have to learn it and get used to it but make sure you love yourself first.
Remember what they did for you when you were in trouble. People naturally want to avoid conflict. For someone to be there for you at your darkest moments, it means more than a million.
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Therapy. Couldn’t have done it otherwise.
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My trick was sertraline and therapy
How do you know if you need medication? I can’t tell if my bad thoughts trigger the anxiety, or the anxiety triggers the bad thoughts/ paranoia about my partner being up to something
Honestly it was my last resort. Things just got so bad, meaning my behavior and anxiety seemed out of control. I had been going to therapy on and off for a couple years at this point and it only seemed to be temporarily helping, so I had enough. I was terrible to myself, my partner, and other things I cared about in life and was getting on my own nerves lol. So i sought medication, which has its own challenges. But it at least allowed me to "slow down" mentally and i was able to process my thoughts and not be so damn reactive, anxious, etc. I stopped taking it after about 1.5 yr and can more or less do the same thought processing as i did while on it :) (I still go to therapy)
I had that same vicious cycle as you, being paranoid about my partner. But tbh it was just me not knowing how to self soothe. Which the meds also helped with
Not over it. But setting boundaries how much I will care or take on helps.
God Therapy Mediation Good support system Reading books Therapy Therapy And more therapy
following because my boyfriend is amazing, genuinely so good to me. and im struggling still
Therapy
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This may sound immature and vain but hey this worked ;) I started developing a Superiority complex, going radio silent for periods of time, and surfacing back up with a mysterious social media post. During the time that I struggled with my curiosity about the other person, and detachment, I also accidently discovered that the other person had issues, and generally people associated to their circle started dissing their behaviour, or avoiding them altogether. This made my will stronger, and somehow this idea of the other person being the shittier one helped my cause. Not that I was seeking this out, but this purely coincidental set of events just made me stronger/ less detached. To the point that I do not care anymore. I have no feelings of Love, Hate or even better: Curiosity anymore.
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Stop thinking there's only one partner for you. There's Billions of people on the planet. So be selective be picky. Decide if you even like them. Don't worry if they like you. You don't get to control that anyways
I read the book “attached” and it changed everything
Keeping yourself busy doing things that make you happy! Find out what makes you happy and dedicate time to doing those things. I found that physical activity made me feel better and more in touch with myself. I also enjoy cooking, try finding a recipe that looks delicious and make it for yourself :) Give yourself your all because you deserve it!
Therapy and diving into myself and my own hobbies. But also finding a good man who helps me heal.
I still am triggered sometimes but one day I decided I was tired to be anxious all the time and I refuse to look for reasons to be anxious . Its important to water the good with your partner. I came to realize im more like that due to previous relationships that direspected me than because of his behaviour. I always try to breath and think why Am I anxious and why do I feel like that. Its not much but it helps me. Therapy helps me also a BIG TIME.
I forgot that I communicate a lot with my partner and it helps. Focusing on me and on self love definitly helps also.
Therapy helped
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Dating a secure man. That really loves you. And before that: giving up on men lol