I’m a super over thinker and highly traumatized. I’m happy as a clam when I’m alone, though extremely lonely. But in a relationship, like the one I’m in now, the combination of my hyper vigilance and fear of repeating patterns makes me hyper critical of every perceived issue. I’m also a people pleaser due to my abandonment issues, so I struggle to be honest with MYSELF about my feelings about things if they conflict with how my partner feels about things. Sometimes my whole identity can get swept to the side and replaced with fear and over compensation.
This has destroyed many of my relationships in the past, romantic or otherwise. I’ve been single and in therapy for the last two years and just got into a relationship with my boyfriend a few months ago. The main reason why things are working out with my boyfriend is he’s got a masters in psychology and is SO GOOD at bringing light to why I might be saying something or reacting a certain way in a kind way while still making me feel heard and understood. I haven’t ruined this relationship yet, crossing my fingers.
I’m going through exactly this right now and I’m loosing it. I can feel my old fears and pattern creeping up. My boyfriend isn’t well, usually he’s very supportive and understands but at this time his cups empty.
I want to be understanding and patient but my fear of abandonment is making me cry every second.
I know I just need to ride this one out. I’m also on hormonal pills for my endometriosis. This to could be causing more mental issues.
How do I stop the chaos and destruction that is my brain. I don’t want to loose him.
Sometimes I feel like this and I think what a psychologist once said... when we get into a relationship we make a first agreement, it contains the limits and expectations, when I lose control due to jealousy or fear of abandonment I calm down and think about The agreement we made with my boyfriend about respect, that calms me down. Sometimes you have to open your heart to others and tell them our fears, if it is for you it will stay.
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I can write a book on this.
All my breakups happened right before my period started. Like the day or 2 before.
That should tell you everything 😭😅.
I’m a scared and angry demon fearing the ultimate abandonment, when my anxiety is bad lol. It’s why I need a strong man to put me in my place and not leave when I’m not myself.
I suffer from mood swings too but not as bad and I manage way better now with lamictil. Premenstrual Dysphoria is what some of us unlucky ones have… I call it “The Hate” a friend calls hers “The Monster” . I hope someday to stop having this. Good luck
Is that what that is?? I drink raspberry leaf tea leading up to my cycle and my naturopath has me on herbal supplements. It has really made a difference for me. I still get moody but more manageable.
That’s what my psychiatrist said to me. Makes sense and I think it fits what I have and the treatment works. I will see about the raspberry leaf teas to supplement if they have no interaction with my meds.
It’s more so for pregnancy in last trimester. But I drink it last week of my cycle and it helps me. I don’t take any meds but I don’t think it interacts. Always good to check though.
I just had to comment and say I appreciated seeing this validation. My marriage is in a rough place, and my period is trying to decide if it's going to arrive early or wait and my emotions/anxiety are absolutely off the charts insane. I keep trying to remind myself it's probably just hormones but my God I'm going insane 😅
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Holy shit okay this also happened to me, the week I was meant to get my period. It sucks cause the anxiety takes over and all self-awareness just leaves the door!
I think for me, I’m practicing recognizing my own accomplishments and being selfish. My current bf is very motivated by his own hobbies and initially it really threatened me bc I was the type of person that had no real sense of self. His focus on what makes his heart happy allows me to be selfish too. Instead of wishing he was doing this and that for me (for me, random acts of service and being thoughtful are ways I receive love.)
I think it also helps to reflect about if you’re being an emotional vampire. Instead of focusing on what is lacking in yourself or your partner just go out and do things and get out of your head. This is kinda what has helped me!
Yup, ruined multiple friendships because of being anxious and also having a lot of insecurity about my place in a friendship and my friends having other friends. Always worried that my friends are not actually my friends, and they stay "friends" with me because they had nobody else to talk to at that moment, I thought I was a last resort and will possibly be dropped when they find someone better. Turns out not the case, and I became such a shitty friend that would drop them before they could hypothetically drop me.
Recently tho I was able to mend one of these relationships, that I broke 4 years ago, by finally reaching out. Made me so emotional to know that my friend was never mad at me, never wanted us to not be friends, but she let me do my thing cause she easily saw what I was doing and knew she couldn't stop it cause I was clearly isolating myself.
Please if you are feeling anything negative like I was, talk to the other person. Even trying to reach out years later, as long as they are interested in communicating with you. It's scary and not fun, but better than losing a great friend, who did absolutely nothing wrong and only wanted the best for you.
omg i feel this so hard. my anxiety sits with like, oh i worry about my friendships and relationships and connections and i get jealous or upset when they prioritize other people instead of me. i also spend a lot of my time alone or try really hard to reach out, so when i don’t feel that reciprocated, i think they don’t like me or don’t want to be around me.
I recommend Vienna pharons book (prob spelled that wrong) if you’re into that kinda thing - origins of you I think it’s called. She talks about how wounds we suffered when we were younger show up in our adult lives - prioritization is one of the types. Very interesting, has helped me understand some of my triggers and/or insecurities better. You can get a summary via podcast too 😉
♥️♥️♥️
Edit: cause I can’t spell
I thought this question didn't apply to me because my anxiety didn't ruin any *romantic* relationships... but it didn't occur to me to think of friendships. This hits close to home.
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I can come off dismissive in arguments and fights but really I need time to take it all in and then circle back to have a conversation. I can’t have a conversation on the spot I need time.
I'm the same way, I need to sit with my feelings for a day and figure out what I want to say. Or I'll end up saying something in the moment that I don't mean.
Well let me tell you exactly what’s happening right now… I don’t know if it’s ever ruined a 100% HEALTHY relationship, but it’s definitely exacerbated ones that maybe could’ve worked if I was more of a “cool girl”. Usually I immediately notice the slightest vibe shift and react to it by becoming insecure, asking if things are okay, wondering what I did/said internally. With the wrong person the asking what’s wrong/if we’re okay is triggering to them, and they don’t want to deal with it. They believe I’m not trusting them or I don’t believe them when they say things are okay, and they’re just busy or tired. They perceive asking for reassurance as trying to track their time/what they’re doing or being overbearing.
This also creates a really bad problem where things WILL actually go bad and someone WILL be very obviously pulling away from me, but I’ll gaslight myself saying, no I’m just being anxious and need to check myself before I make things worse. So in the face of actually being abandoned and lied to and pulled away from, I torture myself telling myself it’s just me and my anxious attachment.
Idk what’s worse - asking for reassurance at the risk of alienating someone or gaslighting myself saying “everything is fine, you’re just crazy” when there is definitely a vibe shift. And that’s why I’ll be single forever.
I know what you mean. Recently, I’ve been able to balance the cool with the overreaction. I notice that at the really beginning of dating, i tend to overreact, so I balance out to be cool, then sit in my feelings to gauge what I want to do.
For me, I’ve noticed 1-2 months in is when I start voicing my needs because they appear naturally (and not out of fear).
I think the idea (never had this happen so don’t quote me on it) is we should be able to ask for reassurance and a secure person would gladly give it to us. If the issue persisted, a discussion on what’s disrupting the peace would be had and both parties would make conscious efforts to amend their sides so both sides feel understood and loved. After a bit, it should be obvious if the other person is willing to accommodate what you need to feel secure in the relationship. If they change nothing and act the same or worse, that triggers the other person harder until everyone is miserable. (AKA where I usually end up because I believe people when they say they wanna be understanding and fix things and then when they don’t, all they have to do is tell me the same thing again and I’ll wait 2 more weeks or a month until it’s brought up again…lather, rinse, repeat)
I think both people have to 1. Want the relationship to work, 2. Like and respect each other, 3. Be able to take and work with feedback aka be vulnerable and realistic, 4. Be willing to communicate a lot and often and accurately (not saying one thing and doing another). Basically be willing to put the work in and see it as worthwhile.
I’m in it! Have been for a year. The situation I’m in now was (in my and my therapists opinion) very healthy and promising. I felt secure, mutual feelings were expressed. I was so excited. Then a few weeks ago the vibe changes. I was encouraged to, anxious attachment style in mind, ask for reassurance from the person. I did, and I was reassured all is good. The distance increased, but I told myself it’s fine, and I tried to carry on normal conversations for weeks trying not to notice that the affection was totally gone from his messages. Then the responses got slower, so I brought it up asking what’s up. The person reassured me that they’re just busy and stressed, it’ll all be back to normal soon - “next week” even. So I chilled and waited, trusting him. Tried to have normal convos, but it’s hard when answers are hours in between. Well, it wasn’t better a week later. 12hrs not hearing from them turned into 24, which turned into 2 days. He’s “busy”, he doesn’t have the capacity to answer more. I respond asking for a phone call so we can officially go on a break if he needs space because then I also won’t be worried about hearing from him, I can accept it’s a break and I can relax, (I only didn’t give him space because he told me it’ll get better, just wait…) and that text is now left on read from 5 days ago. So, yeah I’d love to never have this happen, but I also struggle with what I did to deserve being ghosted. I trusted him, in spite of obvious pulling away I continued being warm and trying to support him. AKA I gaslit myself. But if I left weeks ago, I would’ve been “hasty” or “feeding into my anxious attachment” which is also bad… Seems like a double-edged sword! Very long message, but that’s the story. 🤷♀️
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I destroyed a relationship in epic fashion because my brain could not comprehend that level of emotion for someone. It's been a few years and I still think about him, and it still hurts, and there is nothing I can do about it.
It was my first relationship after my husband died, so que the abandoned issues mixed with his emotional unavailability, and I melted down one night and said some pretty horrendous things. I have no excuses and can't reason it, and he rightly walked right the fuck away from me. It's probably the biggest regret of my entire life, but I did get therapy and I'm properly medicated now, so that was a plus I guess.
Not really, I have found my anxiety can be quite good at helping me know my boundaries or how I want to be treated. Some of it is overthinking but I have kind of realised I’m just not a go with the flow person. It has definitely impacted relationships in general when I was younger I would say I have an anxious attachment style but I think if you are with someone who is good at reassuring you that definitely isn’t a huge factor because you begin to trust they won’t leave or mug you off. With dating new people it has impacted things but I think it’s because I have had a gut feeling something is off so it actually has kind of helped me. I am a over thinker but it’s how you guide it to work for you. I think journaling helps a lot and trying to stay busy and try and look at things from their angle helps abit but any impact it has had recently actually has kind of helped me because the people who make you feel chronically anxious aren’t usually the right people. Sometimes the anxiety really is a gut feeling or a mix match in attachment styles/personality. It does suck thinking your the problem and it’s definitely something to try and work on but I would say sometimes people make you feel your overly anxious or sensitive to make themselves feel better about not treating you great and they aren’t worth being around anyway.
Agreed! Technically my anxiety has "ruined" some relationships, but I do not miss or regret any of them, I just regret how they ended and wish I was more assertive
I thought this was me for years but I found out it’s hard to ruin an ACTUALLY healthy relationship. The ones you ruin are the ones where the other person doesn’t give clear communication and validation & sends mixed signals. In a healthy relationship they won’t leave things open for you to ruin!
I completely agree! I think women are often overly critical of themselves and blame themselves when relationships go wrong, even though their partner was at least partially responsible.
Very easily could have bombed my current relationship in the beginning because I was so anxious waiting for him to say whether or not he wanted to do something on the weekend. I am a planner, and I wanted to know Monday morning what my Friday plans were going to be. He is a wait and see-er, and was content planning Friday on Friday. Thankfully, I didn't freak out (at him). In my head, I mostly just wanted to know that WE were good and WE were doing something.
Now we have a mix of planned plans and in-the-moment plans. Today I corrected him about something we are doing this weekend being on Sunday instead of Saturday. "Oh, so what are we doing tomorrow?" "Well, as of this moment, nothing specific."
It is now assumed we will be spending the day together doing something, which makes my heart very happy. And I think I lot of lightening went off in his head about possible ideas, so Saturday will be filled with something.
Last week we went on an almost-spontaneous road trip.
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For the Love of God, never continue relationships that have hurt you. Romantic or platonic. You will always hate them for it, even if they TRY to correct their wrongs.
- over analyzing everything, every words, every thoughts
- too scared of losing someone or them not liking me after just a couple dates, which also includes liking someone too soon and already expect commitment from them
- want to have control over how they’re acting and if they don’t act the way I wanted then I get extremely anxious and needy
- need constant attention and reassurance
- get angry easily over little things
…and so many more
My anxiety made me believe I am fundamentally undeserving of love, so I pushed all semblance of it away, but then became clingy and desperate to keep it when my SO would pull away. My anxious attachment also manifested in me being hypercritical and unable to take the blame a lot of the time. I’m not proud of it, but I’m working on it now, you live and you learn
I’m overly anxious with relationships of any kind; romantic, friendship, family.
I have a constant fear of abandonment. So right there, I ruin relationships but thinking everything is conditional.
I start off on, and slowly my brain convinces me that they are going to walk away. For many reasons I can come up with.
As someone else said here, I’m good by myself but incredibly lonely.
Almost did. With my overthinking, of course. I would spiral into these endless loops of 'what ifs' & take out all that stress on my SO, who happens to be textbook dismissive avoidant. Thankfully, many many fights later, I learned to self-regulate and understand what I was doing wrong. Needless to say, it took months for this to happen but I am grateful that my SO stayed and didn't run away from it all.
Mainly by overthinking, being insecure, and needing validation, reassurance that the relationship is going well and that the other person likes me. Or by being too much into the other person too soon, like coming up too strong.
Accusing them for still having feelings for their ex, wanting to quit at the first sign of trouble, not actually believing they like me…
It’s not fun 😩
With my personality lol
I am easily overwhelmed or overstimulated and can exhibit some neurotic behaviors. It has absolutely driven me and my ex-partners apart.
Keep reminding yourself everyday not to worry about things you cannot control. You can’t control ANYONE. No matter what. I told myself that every day and it’s gotten better because it’s true. I can only focus on what I can control with my actions and reactions. Let it happen. If anything is going to happen it will whether you’re worrying about it or not. So just let go and breathe and just tell yourself you cannot control anybody but yourself.
I nearly ruined my (now) healthy relationship in the early months from attachment issues. We began dating as soon as I started college, so the freedom to hang out with one another and sleep in the same bed was very new and exciting. He became a comfort person and I soon began feeling very anxious if I wasn’t around him. He gave me no reason to not trust him - I was just extremely new to serious relationships (Not an excuse because he was too.)
Breaking point came around our fourth month of dating, and although he never told me outright I finally woke up and saw the signals that 1.) he naturally needs more alone time and 2.) I needed to respect that. I apologized and voluntarily spent several days to reflect on my actions, hang out with friends (who I’d started to drift from), and start therapy/medication to work on my mental health. He also studied abroad for 4 months over the summer which gave me the opportunity to work on my independence.
Been together 1.5 years and I’m thankful every day for how understanding he’s been with my mental health struggles. Anxiety is a force that attempts to wreck my relationship constantly, and I still struggle with it pretty badly, but I try to not let it have that power over my actions and emotions anymore.
I think my biggest issue is knowing I have anxiety and then not being able to trust myself because of the anxiety. So I think sometimes my feelings are valid but I doubt them. Other times I just let the anxiety run free and sometimes I can come back down from that before I’ve even spoken to my bf.
He is friends and coparenting with his ex and I gotta tell you— I might not be cut out for this. She confides him, and he never reciprocates but she has a mental health issue that makes her not understand she shouldn’t keep over sharing when he’s not reciprocating.
He still goes to events she comes up with “for the kids.” Sometimes that seems legit, other times it’s just her being bored. He seems to not like telling her no because she is far more anxious and plays damsel in distress on the daily. Seriously though. Daily.
I can’t tell if I’m being jealous and insecure or if he really does have issues with keeping boundaries with her. She is the only reason we ever fight and it’s not often, but I feel so unheard and excluded from planning and being a part of his life sometimes with all the soccer trips and basketball and baseball every weekend. I might not be cut out for this, since my kids are raised and I thought this part of my life (hard enough without an SO’s ex in the mix) was over.
I’m angry at myself for falling in love with someone who hits those insecurity buttons due to their relationship.
I have zero issues in friendships and never doubt my girls love me like I love them. I know my bf loves me, but it feels like I have to share him with her sometimes. He’s her emergency contact, like she needs to get some friends or another man of her own since her latest relationship blew up.
“We are always dealing with your mental health issues…when will it be my turn?” - my partner recently
Without context this can sound cold but I was ruining the relationship by only allowing us to focus on my constant struggles rather than both of ours. I never noticed it until he said that and it really put things into perspective.
When I’m single I am content, chilled, lonely but mostly ok, in relationships I am paranoid, lose all my self confidence, overthink everything and just an anxious mess.
Im quite young and had this "relationship" (we're dating but not official) with someone 7 years older. One day u got anxious because we were always planning to meet each other but it always gets cancelled due to schedule conflicts. We also have quite traditional families and they will most likely judge us by our age gap. Ofc there are other reasons but I wont enumerate it anymore. All of these doubts started to overwhelm me like are we still going to work and what about our future? We really like each other a lot and I have developed deeper feelings for him that I started to think that Im inlove with him. Looking back, I realised I just want assurance. He then agreed about my uncertainty and then decided that we should stop seeing each other 😃👍 Times like that I wished I didnt say anything.
Infidelity PTSD & toxicity from previous relationship, im in a very healthy one right now, its been over half a year & im still working on it, but my partner has incredible patience
I tend to catastrophize a lot of things!! When my now husband and I started dating I was 19, and when he would be out with his friends, and didn’t answer a text I ALWAYS thought he was dead in a ditch somewhere! I would call him 30 times until he answered and I even called his mom and other friends before just to make sure he was okay.
I also made him drive me to my exs house to pick up some stuff I left there lol
Man there were SO many times he could’ve dumped me in the beginning lol. We are now happily married with a baby, so luckily it didn’t actually ruin our relationship, but it sure as shit could’ve!
By getting to be too friendly and then fucking it up by apologizing too much and getting frustrated. I never understand barriers and don't know how to read context clues to save my life. I'm queer and I'm not hitting on everyone but I love hugs and I love giving people gifts. I just like to make people happy and help them out. Especially the people I care about and I come across as too friendly sometimes. So I have legit scared people away because of it.
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Because of my overthinking. My ex was super close with his best friend (female) and it was my first relationship. Naturally i used to feel very protective when she was around and whenever i bought this up with him, he’d always say that they’re just friends and that she’s like his sister.
Long story short, he dumped me 6months into our relationship without giving a proper reason, but somewhere i knew that it was because of her. And cut to a few months after the breakup, i found out that he had already started seeing that girl when he was still with me.
So yeah not sure if my overthinking led to me being protective, or if he was just a jerk…
I over think and make impulsive decisions instead of taking time to see the situation for how it actually is and confront in a horrible way. I pretty much self sabotage when I could've just found a way to relax myself and think of the most mature way to handle things instead of being an anxious mess making things even worse! Something I'm learning to do in future events because when your nervous system is all wonky and you make decisions when it's like that it can go downhill so quick there are so many things I regret because in the end it made me look crazy!
Oh gosh, I was a pro at this 😂 I was insecure, always comparing myself to the ex, bashing the ex who probably wasn’t even a bad person, constantly questioning him and his intentions. I was also only like 20 years old.. now I’m 29 and engaged! The truth is a lot of the guys I dated were very selfish and didn’t make me feel wanted at all. I just kept pushing and pushing to get them to “care.” After I turned like 24 I took a break from dating, moved out on my own, went to counseling and really started loving myself. Then I met my now fiancé, who understands me and helps me. He knows I have anxiety and he is very understanding but also helps to put me in my place which I NEED. I think I sabotaged a lot of my past relationships because I knew they weren’t right for me, but when you find someone who makes you wanna love yourself and life and all around be a better person, trust me you won’t feel the need to self sabotage. 😁
I think I have a tendency to rush into things based on some mental timeline I've formed based on books I've read, which is highly unrealistic. I've learnt over time to slow down and let my emotions simmer as well, because otherwise they come on way too strong for the other person. Luckily, my current partner keeps reminding me to slow down and we're going at a comfortable pace right now, so there's hope! 🥰
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Over-thinking EVERYTHING. The need for constant reassurance. I get needy when I'm extremely anxious. Didn't communicate any of this to him, and now that I sit and think about it, I guess I expected too much of him... maybe?
I let it fizzle out.
Didn't tell him how I felt until it was too late, and I didn't even realize it. I was growing closer to him while he was drifting further from me (romantically anyway), because I was too anxious to believe that he was actually into me.
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Like many, I'm an overthinker. I have a bad habit of trying to control things I know I can't. It starts to eat me up from the inside, and then I start becoming accusatory. I'm currently trying to stop trying to control my boyfriend's vaping habits. I can't force him to quit.
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I’m an overthinker and have issues with general anxiety but I’m not anxious in a *healthy relationship.*
Someone who is open, caring, considerate, understanding, and tender with me receives the **calmest**, most caring, considerate, understanding, and tender version of myself in return.
Ultimately I just want to feel safe, laugh, and have fun with the person I spend time with…if I’m feeling that, there’s no room for relationship anxiousness or overthinking.
I'd cheat, lie or breakup with the person before they "had a chance to do it to me" even if they had absolutely no intention of doing so... i was such a toxic person. I'm not proud of what i've done..
but i have really healed. Been in a happy relationship since 2017, engaged for two years and my fiance is amazing. :)
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I’m a super over thinker and highly traumatized. I’m happy as a clam when I’m alone, though extremely lonely. But in a relationship, like the one I’m in now, the combination of my hyper vigilance and fear of repeating patterns makes me hyper critical of every perceived issue. I’m also a people pleaser due to my abandonment issues, so I struggle to be honest with MYSELF about my feelings about things if they conflict with how my partner feels about things. Sometimes my whole identity can get swept to the side and replaced with fear and over compensation. This has destroyed many of my relationships in the past, romantic or otherwise. I’ve been single and in therapy for the last two years and just got into a relationship with my boyfriend a few months ago. The main reason why things are working out with my boyfriend is he’s got a masters in psychology and is SO GOOD at bringing light to why I might be saying something or reacting a certain way in a kind way while still making me feel heard and understood. I haven’t ruined this relationship yet, crossing my fingers.
I literally could have wrote this. Down to the T including the boyfriend with a psychology background being the main thing saving my new relationship.
Exactly the same. I'm thankful my husband has stuck around! 🤣🥰
You sound like me … 😅
I’m going through exactly this right now and I’m loosing it. I can feel my old fears and pattern creeping up. My boyfriend isn’t well, usually he’s very supportive and understands but at this time his cups empty. I want to be understanding and patient but my fear of abandonment is making me cry every second. I know I just need to ride this one out. I’m also on hormonal pills for my endometriosis. This to could be causing more mental issues. How do I stop the chaos and destruction that is my brain. I don’t want to loose him.
Support him in the same way he supports you.
Sometimes I feel like this and I think what a psychologist once said... when we get into a relationship we make a first agreement, it contains the limits and expectations, when I lose control due to jealousy or fear of abandonment I calm down and think about The agreement we made with my boyfriend about respect, that calms me down. Sometimes you have to open your heart to others and tell them our fears, if it is for you it will stay.
I feel for you
theraphy
Ditto’ed ✨
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I’m reading a reflection of me damn. Except the last part lol
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Was he your therapist?
Yaaayy u found the one I believe, I’m happy for u 🤗, stay blessed and together ❤️
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I can write a book on this. All my breakups happened right before my period started. Like the day or 2 before. That should tell you everything 😭😅. I’m a scared and angry demon fearing the ultimate abandonment, when my anxiety is bad lol. It’s why I need a strong man to put me in my place and not leave when I’m not myself.
I suffer from mood swings too but not as bad and I manage way better now with lamictil. Premenstrual Dysphoria is what some of us unlucky ones have… I call it “The Hate” a friend calls hers “The Monster” . I hope someday to stop having this. Good luck
Is that what that is?? I drink raspberry leaf tea leading up to my cycle and my naturopath has me on herbal supplements. It has really made a difference for me. I still get moody but more manageable.
That’s what my psychiatrist said to me. Makes sense and I think it fits what I have and the treatment works. I will see about the raspberry leaf teas to supplement if they have no interaction with my meds.
It’s more so for pregnancy in last trimester. But I drink it last week of my cycle and it helps me. I don’t take any meds but I don’t think it interacts. Always good to check though.
Lamictal plus Progesterone is 🤌🏼 for me
How did u know to go on progesterone?
I didn’t know but the Nurse Practitioner at my GYN put me on Progesterone intermittently. I told her how birth control made me depressed.
I just had to comment and say I appreciated seeing this validation. My marriage is in a rough place, and my period is trying to decide if it's going to arrive early or wait and my emotions/anxiety are absolutely off the charts insane. I keep trying to remind myself it's probably just hormones but my God I'm going insane 😅
The things men have to deal with to be with us 😭 lol
Just checking but do you let your partner(s) know this problem and need? Some of us guys aren't so quick to leave if we know not to take it seriously.
I started doing that in my last relationship. And I’m very upfront about it now.
This, I need a strong man as well. But right now, I rather stay single than put my self in anxiety.
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It is hormonal
Holy shit okay this also happened to me, the week I was meant to get my period. It sucks cause the anxiety takes over and all self-awareness just leaves the door!
My husband has a period tracker for me on his phone (so do I). This has helped our relationship out a lot.
I got put in my place the other day and it’s like something finally clicked in my brain 😬
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I’m a guy and this is me Jesus christ
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How are you working on this? I’m intrigued. I’ve had a few realisations but would love to learn what others are doing wishing you peace of mind friend
I think for me, I’m practicing recognizing my own accomplishments and being selfish. My current bf is very motivated by his own hobbies and initially it really threatened me bc I was the type of person that had no real sense of self. His focus on what makes his heart happy allows me to be selfish too. Instead of wishing he was doing this and that for me (for me, random acts of service and being thoughtful are ways I receive love.) I think it also helps to reflect about if you’re being an emotional vampire. Instead of focusing on what is lacking in yourself or your partner just go out and do things and get out of your head. This is kinda what has helped me!
I’ve had this happen to me. Sucks tbh
Overthinking. Kinda just encompasses my entire fuckin problem.
Yup, ruined multiple friendships because of being anxious and also having a lot of insecurity about my place in a friendship and my friends having other friends. Always worried that my friends are not actually my friends, and they stay "friends" with me because they had nobody else to talk to at that moment, I thought I was a last resort and will possibly be dropped when they find someone better. Turns out not the case, and I became such a shitty friend that would drop them before they could hypothetically drop me. Recently tho I was able to mend one of these relationships, that I broke 4 years ago, by finally reaching out. Made me so emotional to know that my friend was never mad at me, never wanted us to not be friends, but she let me do my thing cause she easily saw what I was doing and knew she couldn't stop it cause I was clearly isolating myself. Please if you are feeling anything negative like I was, talk to the other person. Even trying to reach out years later, as long as they are interested in communicating with you. It's scary and not fun, but better than losing a great friend, who did absolutely nothing wrong and only wanted the best for you.
omg i feel this so hard. my anxiety sits with like, oh i worry about my friendships and relationships and connections and i get jealous or upset when they prioritize other people instead of me. i also spend a lot of my time alone or try really hard to reach out, so when i don’t feel that reciprocated, i think they don’t like me or don’t want to be around me.
I recommend Vienna pharons book (prob spelled that wrong) if you’re into that kinda thing - origins of you I think it’s called. She talks about how wounds we suffered when we were younger show up in our adult lives - prioritization is one of the types. Very interesting, has helped me understand some of my triggers and/or insecurities better. You can get a summary via podcast too 😉 ♥️♥️♥️ Edit: cause I can’t spell
I thought this question didn't apply to me because my anxiety didn't ruin any *romantic* relationships... but it didn't occur to me to think of friendships. This hits close to home.
You read my mind This is exactly how I feel even now
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I can come off dismissive in arguments and fights but really I need time to take it all in and then circle back to have a conversation. I can’t have a conversation on the spot I need time.
I'm the same way, I need to sit with my feelings for a day and figure out what I want to say. Or I'll end up saying something in the moment that I don't mean.
Exactly! I need to process things and then communicate.
Well let me tell you exactly what’s happening right now… I don’t know if it’s ever ruined a 100% HEALTHY relationship, but it’s definitely exacerbated ones that maybe could’ve worked if I was more of a “cool girl”. Usually I immediately notice the slightest vibe shift and react to it by becoming insecure, asking if things are okay, wondering what I did/said internally. With the wrong person the asking what’s wrong/if we’re okay is triggering to them, and they don’t want to deal with it. They believe I’m not trusting them or I don’t believe them when they say things are okay, and they’re just busy or tired. They perceive asking for reassurance as trying to track their time/what they’re doing or being overbearing. This also creates a really bad problem where things WILL actually go bad and someone WILL be very obviously pulling away from me, but I’ll gaslight myself saying, no I’m just being anxious and need to check myself before I make things worse. So in the face of actually being abandoned and lied to and pulled away from, I torture myself telling myself it’s just me and my anxious attachment. Idk what’s worse - asking for reassurance at the risk of alienating someone or gaslighting myself saying “everything is fine, you’re just crazy” when there is definitely a vibe shift. And that’s why I’ll be single forever.
I know what you mean. Recently, I’ve been able to balance the cool with the overreaction. I notice that at the really beginning of dating, i tend to overreact, so I balance out to be cool, then sit in my feelings to gauge what I want to do. For me, I’ve noticed 1-2 months in is when I start voicing my needs because they appear naturally (and not out of fear).
this is me to a T... still trying to figure out when its a vibe shift or if I'm just overthinking
I think the idea (never had this happen so don’t quote me on it) is we should be able to ask for reassurance and a secure person would gladly give it to us. If the issue persisted, a discussion on what’s disrupting the peace would be had and both parties would make conscious efforts to amend their sides so both sides feel understood and loved. After a bit, it should be obvious if the other person is willing to accommodate what you need to feel secure in the relationship. If they change nothing and act the same or worse, that triggers the other person harder until everyone is miserable. (AKA where I usually end up because I believe people when they say they wanna be understanding and fix things and then when they don’t, all they have to do is tell me the same thing again and I’ll wait 2 more weeks or a month until it’s brought up again…lather, rinse, repeat) I think both people have to 1. Want the relationship to work, 2. Like and respect each other, 3. Be able to take and work with feedback aka be vulnerable and realistic, 4. Be willing to communicate a lot and often and accurately (not saying one thing and doing another). Basically be willing to put the work in and see it as worthwhile.
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I’m in it! Have been for a year. The situation I’m in now was (in my and my therapists opinion) very healthy and promising. I felt secure, mutual feelings were expressed. I was so excited. Then a few weeks ago the vibe changes. I was encouraged to, anxious attachment style in mind, ask for reassurance from the person. I did, and I was reassured all is good. The distance increased, but I told myself it’s fine, and I tried to carry on normal conversations for weeks trying not to notice that the affection was totally gone from his messages. Then the responses got slower, so I brought it up asking what’s up. The person reassured me that they’re just busy and stressed, it’ll all be back to normal soon - “next week” even. So I chilled and waited, trusting him. Tried to have normal convos, but it’s hard when answers are hours in between. Well, it wasn’t better a week later. 12hrs not hearing from them turned into 24, which turned into 2 days. He’s “busy”, he doesn’t have the capacity to answer more. I respond asking for a phone call so we can officially go on a break if he needs space because then I also won’t be worried about hearing from him, I can accept it’s a break and I can relax, (I only didn’t give him space because he told me it’ll get better, just wait…) and that text is now left on read from 5 days ago. So, yeah I’d love to never have this happen, but I also struggle with what I did to deserve being ghosted. I trusted him, in spite of obvious pulling away I continued being warm and trying to support him. AKA I gaslit myself. But if I left weeks ago, I would’ve been “hasty” or “feeding into my anxious attachment” which is also bad… Seems like a double-edged sword! Very long message, but that’s the story. 🤷♀️
God. I could have written this. Can we be friends?
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I resonate so hard. thank u for sharing
I destroyed a relationship in epic fashion because my brain could not comprehend that level of emotion for someone. It's been a few years and I still think about him, and it still hurts, and there is nothing I can do about it.
Damn...
Care to elaborate a bit? You fell in love and you got scared because of this or what emotions are you mentioning?
It was my first relationship after my husband died, so que the abandoned issues mixed with his emotional unavailability, and I melted down one night and said some pretty horrendous things. I have no excuses and can't reason it, and he rightly walked right the fuck away from me. It's probably the biggest regret of my entire life, but I did get therapy and I'm properly medicated now, so that was a plus I guess.
And I’m already anxious about it lol
Not really, I have found my anxiety can be quite good at helping me know my boundaries or how I want to be treated. Some of it is overthinking but I have kind of realised I’m just not a go with the flow person. It has definitely impacted relationships in general when I was younger I would say I have an anxious attachment style but I think if you are with someone who is good at reassuring you that definitely isn’t a huge factor because you begin to trust they won’t leave or mug you off. With dating new people it has impacted things but I think it’s because I have had a gut feeling something is off so it actually has kind of helped me. I am a over thinker but it’s how you guide it to work for you. I think journaling helps a lot and trying to stay busy and try and look at things from their angle helps abit but any impact it has had recently actually has kind of helped me because the people who make you feel chronically anxious aren’t usually the right people. Sometimes the anxiety really is a gut feeling or a mix match in attachment styles/personality. It does suck thinking your the problem and it’s definitely something to try and work on but I would say sometimes people make you feel your overly anxious or sensitive to make themselves feel better about not treating you great and they aren’t worth being around anyway.
Agreed! Technically my anxiety has "ruined" some relationships, but I do not miss or regret any of them, I just regret how they ended and wish I was more assertive
That’s a really good way of thinking of it.
I thought this was me for years but I found out it’s hard to ruin an ACTUALLY healthy relationship. The ones you ruin are the ones where the other person doesn’t give clear communication and validation & sends mixed signals. In a healthy relationship they won’t leave things open for you to ruin!
I completely agree! I think women are often overly critical of themselves and blame themselves when relationships go wrong, even though their partner was at least partially responsible.
Very easily could have bombed my current relationship in the beginning because I was so anxious waiting for him to say whether or not he wanted to do something on the weekend. I am a planner, and I wanted to know Monday morning what my Friday plans were going to be. He is a wait and see-er, and was content planning Friday on Friday. Thankfully, I didn't freak out (at him). In my head, I mostly just wanted to know that WE were good and WE were doing something. Now we have a mix of planned plans and in-the-moment plans. Today I corrected him about something we are doing this weekend being on Sunday instead of Saturday. "Oh, so what are we doing tomorrow?" "Well, as of this moment, nothing specific." It is now assumed we will be spending the day together doing something, which makes my heart very happy. And I think I lot of lightening went off in his head about possible ideas, so Saturday will be filled with something. Last week we went on an almost-spontaneous road trip.
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For the Love of God, never continue relationships that have hurt you. Romantic or platonic. You will always hate them for it, even if they TRY to correct their wrongs.
- over analyzing everything, every words, every thoughts - too scared of losing someone or them not liking me after just a couple dates, which also includes liking someone too soon and already expect commitment from them - want to have control over how they’re acting and if they don’t act the way I wanted then I get extremely anxious and needy - need constant attention and reassurance - get angry easily over little things …and so many more
My anxiety made me believe I am fundamentally undeserving of love, so I pushed all semblance of it away, but then became clingy and desperate to keep it when my SO would pull away. My anxious attachment also manifested in me being hypercritical and unable to take the blame a lot of the time. I’m not proud of it, but I’m working on it now, you live and you learn
I’m overly anxious with relationships of any kind; romantic, friendship, family. I have a constant fear of abandonment. So right there, I ruin relationships but thinking everything is conditional. I start off on, and slowly my brain convinces me that they are going to walk away. For many reasons I can come up with. As someone else said here, I’m good by myself but incredibly lonely.
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What did you tell him that scared him off?
Almost did. With my overthinking, of course. I would spiral into these endless loops of 'what ifs' & take out all that stress on my SO, who happens to be textbook dismissive avoidant. Thankfully, many many fights later, I learned to self-regulate and understand what I was doing wrong. Needless to say, it took months for this to happen but I am grateful that my SO stayed and didn't run away from it all.
Drinking
Mainly by overthinking, being insecure, and needing validation, reassurance that the relationship is going well and that the other person likes me. Or by being too much into the other person too soon, like coming up too strong.
May be too triggering to type out honestly but I appreciate everyone sharing!
Accusing them for still having feelings for their ex, wanting to quit at the first sign of trouble, not actually believing they like me… It’s not fun 😩
By being anxious 👀
With my personality lol I am easily overwhelmed or overstimulated and can exhibit some neurotic behaviors. It has absolutely driven me and my ex-partners apart.
how do you stop overthinking? i drained the guy i was with because i couldn’t stop
Keep reminding yourself everyday not to worry about things you cannot control. You can’t control ANYONE. No matter what. I told myself that every day and it’s gotten better because it’s true. I can only focus on what I can control with my actions and reactions. Let it happen. If anything is going to happen it will whether you’re worrying about it or not. So just let go and breathe and just tell yourself you cannot control anybody but yourself.
I’m doing the same. And i just can’t stop. I’m afraid I’ll lose him.
I nearly ruined my (now) healthy relationship in the early months from attachment issues. We began dating as soon as I started college, so the freedom to hang out with one another and sleep in the same bed was very new and exciting. He became a comfort person and I soon began feeling very anxious if I wasn’t around him. He gave me no reason to not trust him - I was just extremely new to serious relationships (Not an excuse because he was too.) Breaking point came around our fourth month of dating, and although he never told me outright I finally woke up and saw the signals that 1.) he naturally needs more alone time and 2.) I needed to respect that. I apologized and voluntarily spent several days to reflect on my actions, hang out with friends (who I’d started to drift from), and start therapy/medication to work on my mental health. He also studied abroad for 4 months over the summer which gave me the opportunity to work on my independence. Been together 1.5 years and I’m thankful every day for how understanding he’s been with my mental health struggles. Anxiety is a force that attempts to wreck my relationship constantly, and I still struggle with it pretty badly, but I try to not let it have that power over my actions and emotions anymore.
I think my biggest issue is knowing I have anxiety and then not being able to trust myself because of the anxiety. So I think sometimes my feelings are valid but I doubt them. Other times I just let the anxiety run free and sometimes I can come back down from that before I’ve even spoken to my bf. He is friends and coparenting with his ex and I gotta tell you— I might not be cut out for this. She confides him, and he never reciprocates but she has a mental health issue that makes her not understand she shouldn’t keep over sharing when he’s not reciprocating. He still goes to events she comes up with “for the kids.” Sometimes that seems legit, other times it’s just her being bored. He seems to not like telling her no because she is far more anxious and plays damsel in distress on the daily. Seriously though. Daily. I can’t tell if I’m being jealous and insecure or if he really does have issues with keeping boundaries with her. She is the only reason we ever fight and it’s not often, but I feel so unheard and excluded from planning and being a part of his life sometimes with all the soccer trips and basketball and baseball every weekend. I might not be cut out for this, since my kids are raised and I thought this part of my life (hard enough without an SO’s ex in the mix) was over. I’m angry at myself for falling in love with someone who hits those insecurity buttons due to their relationship. I have zero issues in friendships and never doubt my girls love me like I love them. I know my bf loves me, but it feels like I have to share him with her sometimes. He’s her emergency contact, like she needs to get some friends or another man of her own since her latest relationship blew up.
“We are always dealing with your mental health issues…when will it be my turn?” - my partner recently Without context this can sound cold but I was ruining the relationship by only allowing us to focus on my constant struggles rather than both of ours. I never noticed it until he said that and it really put things into perspective.
I had serious codependency problems.
By not self-soothing, not meeting my own needs, not prioritising my own needs and by overthinking then not checking myself. You know, the usual.
When I’m single I am content, chilled, lonely but mostly ok, in relationships I am paranoid, lose all my self confidence, overthink everything and just an anxious mess.
Having outside opinions shadow my own feelings, thoughts and voice
Anxious is a Trigger to someone’s bad habit.
Last week I stopped talking to a guy because I thought he was being too passive. 😂
i mean, if he was too passive, then you did the right thing
Im quite young and had this "relationship" (we're dating but not official) with someone 7 years older. One day u got anxious because we were always planning to meet each other but it always gets cancelled due to schedule conflicts. We also have quite traditional families and they will most likely judge us by our age gap. Ofc there are other reasons but I wont enumerate it anymore. All of these doubts started to overwhelm me like are we still going to work and what about our future? We really like each other a lot and I have developed deeper feelings for him that I started to think that Im inlove with him. Looking back, I realised I just want assurance. He then agreed about my uncertainty and then decided that we should stop seeing each other 😃👍 Times like that I wished I didnt say anything.
Infidelity PTSD & toxicity from previous relationship, im in a very healthy one right now, its been over half a year & im still working on it, but my partner has incredible patience
I don’t really have a lot of experience with those, tbh…might have had something to do with the anxiety.
Yessssss . Therapy has changed my life
I actively self sabotage.
I’m the burn it down to the ground kinda gal before the “relationship” is even established just by *picking the wrong men* 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I tend to catastrophize a lot of things!! When my now husband and I started dating I was 19, and when he would be out with his friends, and didn’t answer a text I ALWAYS thought he was dead in a ditch somewhere! I would call him 30 times until he answered and I even called his mom and other friends before just to make sure he was okay. I also made him drive me to my exs house to pick up some stuff I left there lol Man there were SO many times he could’ve dumped me in the beginning lol. We are now happily married with a baby, so luckily it didn’t actually ruin our relationship, but it sure as shit could’ve!
By getting to be too friendly and then fucking it up by apologizing too much and getting frustrated. I never understand barriers and don't know how to read context clues to save my life. I'm queer and I'm not hitting on everyone but I love hugs and I love giving people gifts. I just like to make people happy and help them out. Especially the people I care about and I come across as too friendly sometimes. So I have legit scared people away because of it.
So many ways ngl
Hypervigilance around our child, and their safety and health. Insomnia Analysis Paralysis
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Uhhhh...sorry. gotta overthink this. Oh wait, I hate when I overthink things. Let me think about that.
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Once I have a healthy relationship I’ll report back
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I have to think about that one
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I’m just gonna say yea lol. Zoloft saved me though. I love my boyfriend so much
Because of my overthinking. My ex was super close with his best friend (female) and it was my first relationship. Naturally i used to feel very protective when she was around and whenever i bought this up with him, he’d always say that they’re just friends and that she’s like his sister. Long story short, he dumped me 6months into our relationship without giving a proper reason, but somewhere i knew that it was because of her. And cut to a few months after the breakup, i found out that he had already started seeing that girl when he was still with me. So yeah not sure if my overthinking led to me being protective, or if he was just a jerk…
Something similar happened to me; but way back in class 10th and gender reversed.
You’re telling me you guys don’t have toxic relationships only? 😭
I over think and make impulsive decisions instead of taking time to see the situation for how it actually is and confront in a horrible way. I pretty much self sabotage when I could've just found a way to relax myself and think of the most mature way to handle things instead of being an anxious mess making things even worse! Something I'm learning to do in future events because when your nervous system is all wonky and you make decisions when it's like that it can go downhill so quick there are so many things I regret because in the end it made me look crazy!
All the time. Looking back, anytime I had a healthy relationship, i didn’t know what to do with, it and self sabotage it.
My anxiety was medicated and treated long before I entered a relationship, so I’ve never ruined a relationship. I broke up with people, though.
Oh gosh, I was a pro at this 😂 I was insecure, always comparing myself to the ex, bashing the ex who probably wasn’t even a bad person, constantly questioning him and his intentions. I was also only like 20 years old.. now I’m 29 and engaged! The truth is a lot of the guys I dated were very selfish and didn’t make me feel wanted at all. I just kept pushing and pushing to get them to “care.” After I turned like 24 I took a break from dating, moved out on my own, went to counseling and really started loving myself. Then I met my now fiancé, who understands me and helps me. He knows I have anxiety and he is very understanding but also helps to put me in my place which I NEED. I think I sabotaged a lot of my past relationships because I knew they weren’t right for me, but when you find someone who makes you wanna love yourself and life and all around be a better person, trust me you won’t feel the need to self sabotage. 😁
I think I have a tendency to rush into things based on some mental timeline I've formed based on books I've read, which is highly unrealistic. I've learnt over time to slow down and let my emotions simmer as well, because otherwise they come on way too strong for the other person. Luckily, my current partner keeps reminding me to slow down and we're going at a comfortable pace right now, so there's hope! 🥰
By being anxious and telling my partner why I'm anxious. Thank you for attending my TEDtalk.
Being overbearing, dramatic and oversharing
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Over-thinking EVERYTHING. The need for constant reassurance. I get needy when I'm extremely anxious. Didn't communicate any of this to him, and now that I sit and think about it, I guess I expected too much of him... maybe?
I’m convinced this scenario doesn’t actually exist and we’ve just been gaslit
By overanalysing every single thing and finding faults and flaws in an otherwise perfect relationship and deeming it to have no future.
I let it fizzle out. Didn't tell him how I felt until it was too late, and I didn't even realize it. I was growing closer to him while he was drifting further from me (romantically anyway), because I was too anxious to believe that he was actually into me.
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If he's the right one for you, your anxiety won't ruin the relationship as long as you're both growing.
Like many, I'm an overthinker. I have a bad habit of trying to control things I know I can't. It starts to eat me up from the inside, and then I start becoming accusatory. I'm currently trying to stop trying to control my boyfriend's vaping habits. I can't force him to quit.
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I’m an overthinker and have issues with general anxiety but I’m not anxious in a *healthy relationship.* Someone who is open, caring, considerate, understanding, and tender with me receives the **calmest**, most caring, considerate, understanding, and tender version of myself in return. Ultimately I just want to feel safe, laugh, and have fun with the person I spend time with…if I’m feeling that, there’s no room for relationship anxiousness or overthinking.
I'd cheat, lie or breakup with the person before they "had a chance to do it to me" even if they had absolutely no intention of doing so... i was such a toxic person. I'm not proud of what i've done.. but i have really healed. Been in a happy relationship since 2017, engaged for two years and my fiance is amazing. :)
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