Constantly scanning for changes in people’s emotions and moods. I have a little radar in me that was ignited by my parents and ex husband whose moods I had to monitor in order to feel safe. I don’t think it’ll ever go away.
I really relate to this. When I can "sense" that someone is not in a good mood, I get so, so anxious. It's something I never really noticed about myself until I started living with my partner, and I realized how sensitive I am to his moods. Even if it's just because he's tired/sick/had a long day/etc. and has nothing to do with me/us, it still sets me on edge. He NEVER takes his emotions out on me, but I have been finding it difficult to manage my own anxiety about how HE'S feeling. Obviously the solution isn't for him to be in a good mood 24/7, and I have a lot of self work to do, but yeah... I'm having a really hard time with it.
I’m on the other side of this and feel so deeply for my man’s anxiety about my moods. I’m expressive and use my words, body, and face to shake out my feelings and stay present. Unfortunately, my method for relieving stress directly causes stress in my man. I used to reassure him while I was moody, but that actually reinforced his anxiety and he would spiral hard when I didn’t reassure him in a specific way that he grew to expect. His bar for reassurance kept increasing. It really is something only he alone can work through, and I know it sucks.
Yep! I had a mom whose emotional well being I felt responsible for and now can’t handle anyone being less than happy with me or just in general. Any bad mood must be because I’m not trying hard enough.
OMG, I feel this in my soul. The truth of the matter is that nothing we did was going to fix them, because the problem was internal to them, not something we did.
Same. Just from the ex husband, though. His mood could turn on a dime, and wherever we were, he'd scream at me. My now-husband is one of the most even-keeled, non-abusive dudes on the planet, but if he raises his voice, I shrink, shut down, and look for the nearest exit.
Worst is when you detect the mood but then they say nothing is wrong!! Didn’t do this with my parents but I do call out my partner when my radar goes off.
For me, personally, there are quite a few things. But this got me thinking when I stayed home very sick from work and my husband texted me that he was on his way home. I jumped up and cleaned everything, made sure the apartment was spotless so that he wouldn’t think I was lazy all day today. I was not lazy, I was sick. But in my past relationships, whether or not I was sick, depressed, recovering from surgery, whatever it was, I was seen as lazy if I wasn’t up and productive while at home.
This was the last straw with my ex husband. I was injured couldn’t lift my arm and he came home from work, asked me what I did all day and why the laundry wasn’t done. That was when I realized that this man was never going to have my back.
I was unemployed for like 4 months with my ex and things were rocky already so that was so much strain on our relationship. He already felt like I was lazy and didn’t clean enough, imagine when I’m home all day unemployed. I was so depressed and filling out dozens and dozens of applications and cover letters for jobs all day, the day would literally get away from me. I was so anxious to get a job again. Everyday he would ask why this or that wasn’t done and what I did all day. I had no answer most of the time except “I filled out 50 applications today!” He did not share my excitement or express anything other than shaking his head and start working on whatever he already decided I should’ve been doing all day. I got a job in late June and within a month he dumped me and I was moved out of his house before Labor Day weekend that year.
My fiance is always proud of what I get done, even if I’m hard on myself he’s very impressed and encouraging.
this. i grew up in a household where silence was used as a way to communicate you are arguing with that person. we walked on eggshells and then 3 days later we’d forget everything and move like nothing happened. which FUCKED me up so hard. im still learning and unlearning so many things from my childhood
It was eye opening to me to learn that the silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. My stepmom gave me the silent treatment all the time growing up.
I had an ex that would take his television from the living room to his bedroom, lock me out and watch my favorite show and movies loudly for days without talking to me.
I'd never experienced someone who used the silent treatment and it really fucked me up.
I didn’t know how much of a trigger this was for me until recently. Everything has been great with my partner but about 1.5 months ago, he went silent on me for over 2 weeks. We live together so I don’t mean complete silence, but completely avoiding conversation, 1 word blunt answers, dull tone when he spoke and no eye contact. Turns out work was just super stressful I guess, but it sent me into a horrible spiral of anxiety at I’m still getting over now though everything is great :(
It doesn't sound great if it's still affecting you. Please consider talking to him and/or seeking counseling if you need help. If he's stressed about work, he can ask for space instead of shutting you out.
Thank you, I really appreciate that! I started speaking to a counsellor to help me navigate it as I started having really strong feelings of rejection after this that really affected me. I mentioned that his shutting down made me feel very worried, but I haven’t been very open about how badly I have felt because I think it was really influenced by a general depression spiral and that level of pressure felt unfair. I do hope that he can be more open in the future with just asking for space rather than shutting down
Oh, fuck. So many things from my ex-husband.
A persistent inner nagging voice telling me that my now-husband, who is admiring and wonderful, must be faking it and doesn't really find me attractive.
A feeling that my worth is commensurate to my productivity.
Feeling like I could lose everything at any second and nothing will ever last. Feeling like if people knew "the real me" they would hate me. Feeling like I will inevitably be abandoned....again and it's my own fault for not being "enough" and not being "worthy"
Emotional neglect. After my mom died , my now ex-husband completely shut off his emotions to the point where I couldn't read him anymore and constantly had to check in and ask if he was okay or how he was feeling. It was extremely difficult.
After YOUR mom died? I can’t even imagine how you felt. I am so sorry. It should’ve been the other way around, him checking in and asking if you were okay. Wow
I was the other woman unknowingly. In my mind, we had 4 years of bliss and were headed for a real future together. Then found her and realized i was the secret, our future wasn't real but hers, with him, was.
I told her. He convinced her that I made everything up. He still reaches out/finds me/asks to fuck/tells me he is divorced.
He lies and lies. I told her again and she blamed me, so I just don't say anything now.
I have a very hard time trusting people. I meant nothing to that man, I was nothing. I didn't exist. I have to remind myself that I am important to the people around me, but sometimes it's easy to think otherwise. I went through postpartum and the father of my child leaving us.. but this still takes the cake.
>He convinced her that I made everything up.
Saaaaaaaaaaame. But I went scorched earth and sent her an 86 page excel sheet of single text message we had that concerned her or our future, and even included receipts from trips and boarding passes. He even introduced me to his friends, and they kept the ruse up for him. I honestly don't know how I will trust a man fully again.
Plus side, I really like cats, so like ... if I just become the old cat lady that's fine.
I am there right now with you. Only way to get over this is by being completely self assured and loving yourself 100%, I have an attitude of “that’s great you love me but will you go the distance, until I know you can you won’t have my heart”, which men have said is cold and unappealing, but then again they are the problematic variety who eventually reveal themselves.
Oh honey I’m so sorry. I was the other woman for a year and a half. Only to find out there was a girlfriend of 11 years. I can’t imagine 4 years!!! It is such a mindfuck, these types of men are sick in the head.
It took me years after the breakup to no longer question if basic things I was experiencing were real. My memory was also shot for a long time. The ending of this story is a happy one: I took on a part time barista job for extra money to sue my ex husband. Not only was I successful in my lawsuit, but I also restored a significant amount of my memory capacity working as a barista.
Ooooo - for me it’s feeling like I have to “fix” his emotions for him. My husband wears his feelings right out on his sleeve and he’s got his own anxiety and PTSD, so certain situations really do get him flustered and stressed.
My last partner always made every negative emotion that he had *my problem*. I’ve been with my husband for 12 years, and I still get triggered when he’s upset - just worried he’s going to pick a fight with me or start blaming me for putting him in an upsetting situation.
But he’s never done that - he’s a grown man and he’s always taken responsibility for his feelings and his mental health.
I had a similar experience, but I'm not as triggered when my partner is upset. He's more likely to tear himself down and I have a lot of trust that he doesn't want to hurt me.
I get triggered when I am upset. I became so used to having to hide my feelings--because my ex would decide why I was feeling the way I was feeling; projecting. I wasn't 'allowed' to have my own emotions. So now it's harder to open up. I wasn't that great at it to begin with.
I can't share my vulnerabilities without crying now. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to. My partner listens to me though and I feel safe enough *to* tell him. But I am so used to stuffing those feelings that I don't even register them until I'm on edge and anxious.
Insecurity in the bedroom. Being laughed at when you try to dress sexy/initiate sex really damages your self esteem. Come to find out too late my ex was really only into men, but still those moments left a lasting impression I'm still trying to shake off in my relationship now. Thankfully my fiance is understanding and loving about it all, so it's getting better as time passes.
Trust issues for sure. Knowing the extent someone can go to keep a part of themselves hidden, ya even w a new partner who is a 180. It’s almost ingrained in me now to be questioning.
I was just diagnosed with PTSD. Some from childhood and a lot from an extremely volatile and abusive ex. I realize I had been responding out of my trauma all this time with my husband. It has taken me time and understanding my diagnosis not to act like the scared hypothetical dog in the corner afraid of his intentions. This was always internal and really affected my mental health. I am working on a lot now and building trust in myself and our relationship.
Obsession with my friends. Worse cause we were both women, but at the time I identified as bi (have since accepted I'm a lesbian) which basically translated in her to head to "fucks all her friends". She even refused to believe my gay guy bestfriend was actually gay, because he didn't "look" gay - a.k.a he's a big, buff black jock type rather than a white femboy twink. It was very ironic coming from a lesbian who doesn't fit in with most lesbian stereotypes (except for the "mean" lesbian trope lol).
I struggle with this, too. I’m working really hard on it in therapy and EMDR, but some days it just feels like it’ll never get better. Looking back, though, I actually have made progress, and am incredibly proud of myself for it. I genuinely wish you well, and hope you’re able to find some peace of your own with those thoughts and feelings.
My ex would say that what I wanted in life (stability, plans for the future, marriage, monogamy) was a "fairy tale". Logically I know plans change and no one can be 100% sure of the future, but we can plan things, we can express that we want those plans to succeed at a long run. Emotionally, I still struggle with reassurance. I always feel like I can't ask for future plans nor voice them or ask that of another person.
My ex made me feel like I was a burden for everything. I haven’t had a real serious relationship since him but when my friends tell me “oh I asked my boyfriend *something very usual like to stay with them while they were sick* I’m always sooooo shocked a man would actually do that. I think in my next relationship I’ll be worried to speak up when I need a hand because of it. I internalize everything
THISSSS!!! my ex would comment on how beautiful our waitresses were at restaurants. he tried to physically change me into a type of girl that I was not. shortly before I broke up with him I went through his tiktok following and it was ENTIRELY suggestive underage girls accts or only fans teaser accts. it made me sick to my stomach and he acted like it was completely normal.
I feel you, girl. I still struggle so much with this but I try my best to be more trusting every day. I hope you can find confidence, love, and trust in a new partner. <3
I’ve come a long way, but I still find myself picking myself apart or ruminating about how I was in conversations.
Also just being able to trust other people to feel genuinely safe around them when they seem to value me. I thought I could trust myself before to
Make smart decisions but all too often I give people the benefit of the doubt. I’m trying not to do that and pay attention to my gut now.
Feeling worthy. My ex negged me to pieces. Insulted my age, compared me to other women, told me everyone hated me, etc. he was genuinely emotionally abusive and I still think it's unfair he's still out there destroying women's lives.
Questions: If I'm enough for my person or if they actually find me attractive.
Finding out previous partners haven't been faithful so im in that mindset that'll happen again, keeping an eye on mood changes, body language, tone (I'm tone sensitive), lies, etc.
It has repeated and always thinking if I'll be loved like the way I love others..which seems to be to much to ask for.
When someone who loves me is upset with me, that doesn't mean they will be mad at me forever nor does it mean they will walk out of my life. (This is more from childhood trauma than a previous romantic relationship but still a lot to unpack)
Over analyzing my husbands emotions and actions while questioning if there's an ulterior motive behind it. Also, being super weary of random gifts or kind gestures like flowers or a spontaneous kiss/back hug.
I still have a hard time with allowing myself to relax without feeling guilty.
Growing up with my dad, and then with my ex, I always felt this harsh judgement if I wasn't being productive the minute they got home from work. Even if I'd been busy all day and was just taking a break, as soon as I knew they were on their way I'd jump up and at least make it look like I was doing something. I had to make it a point to show off and explain all the things I'd done, because they wouldn't notice on their own.
I also struggle with guilt about indulging. I remember it was always such a big deal if I finished the last of a food or if I ate all of something. My current fiancé will say something like "Did you eat the rest of the leftover pasta?" And I'll get really nervous and say "...yes" and he'll say "good!" and pat my stomach.
It's a learning process.
Never fully trusting people and so I never give myself fully again. Always over reading people’s expressions, body behavior. And when my gut tells me something is wrong. I go with my gut
Lying. Growing up, everyone I was related to basically pissed on my head and told me it was raining apple juice. I will have trust issues for the rest of my life.
I tend to think poorly of people right away. I always think they have an ulterior motive when they do something nice like compliment or offer me help. Every time I have to physically rein my reaction in and remind myself it’s okay for people to be nice.
The cheating. Even though I’ve always trusted my husband, I had some moments in the early years where I’d momentarily have a panic attack if he was late, going out with friends, etc. I knew it was my issue and didn’t have anything to do with him. It made me hate my ex even more.
Feeling like I’m going to get into trouble. My ex was always complaining about me (to me and others - especially his mother). I never felt truly loved or accepted by him. That feeling still haunts me.
Believing men at anything they say to you.
I don’t/can’t commit myself to anyone until they prove themselves after abuse I went through.
This means I can go 3-6 months on emotional neutral standby mode as my love interest gets to experience the high of gradually falling in love with me, while I don’t feel anything until I can let my guard down and trust he’s safe.
I have so, so many.
I get really panicked if anyone raises voices. I am hyper protective of what I perceive as someone stealing my autonomy - I'm not always correct to be upset of this, it can get really awkward. I struggle to talk to men who aren't my partner because I'm scared someone will accuse me of wanting to fuck them. I have tons of issues relating to how I dress and present myself, it's really confusing and honestly that is a bit exhausting. I seem to have an internal panic button, I don't know what exactly triggers it about certain people but once it's been pushed that person freaks me the fuck out and there is no way to switch it off. I have very poor emotional control.
My ex used to insist on buying me things/paying for things. I worked but hey, by all means. We all like gifts right? He would then wig out on me, yell, lecture me for hours and make me feel like an absolute burden because of "everything I do for you". Dude, all I wanted to do was watch a movie together without you getting hammered. Why am I balling my eyes right now? It was a mental game and now whenever someone pays for something for me, I can feel myself start to panic. Financial manipulation is a real thing and a form of abuse. I was told, if I hadn't of gotten out when I did, it most likely would have escalated. Sucks because some people just genuinely want to buy you stuff and do nice things for you. Such a decent humble thing and he ruined it for me. Fuck you Scott
Timelines for the future (excluding actively trying for a baby and how many we plan to have since that conversation happened back in August)
Yelling/having someone snap at me (thank you childhood trauma)
Asking for any financial help in case it could get thrown back into my face (thank you toxic ex)
Any touching without my consent (I might light up with my current boyfriend, but anyone else who I don’t trust trying to touch me immediately sends me into a panic)
Trusting someone’s intent (if I haven’t been around them long, I automatically assume their intent is bad)
Knowing if someone truly likes my personality rather than just trying to only see my looks (I asked my ex what his favorite things about me were multiple times, and I had to prompt him for personality traits every single time)
Being in confined spaces with a guy when I want privacy (thank you trauma in general)
It sucks because I want to be normal, but with all of these things… I don’t know how I’ve managed to survive nearly 10 months with my current boyfriend without him getting sick of me.
My ex told me that he kept having sex with me because he felt bad for me. I know my boyfriend loves me so much, but I still sometimes worry if he only sleeps with me because he pities me.
If someone tells me to "shut the fuck up" or calls me dumb or stupid I just leave.
It's cost me jobs, but if I left my partner of 14 years over that behavior I'm not going to let my boss do it.
I also don't like being touched or have someone, even a partner, point at my face or brush my hair to the side or wipe a smudge or something, without telling me they are going to before hand.
I subconsciously run my opinions through a filter where I check to see if my partner/friend/whoever would like it first. E.g. discovering new music, I’m like, [partner] wouldn’t like this, therefore I don’t. My ex used to make me feel terrible if my likes and interests didn’t align with his. Seems silly but I struggle to form opinions that feel truly mine.
Being enough. My ex made me feel like I should be better and I always felt like I had constant competition. Whether that be I wasn’t chill, edgy, sexy, pretty, funny, exciting enough. There was always someone who was more of those things than I was. Also there was always someone with a better body than me, better hair, nicer eyes, clearer skin. I never felt like I was “a catch”.
It was a bit strange for me to have positive attention surrounding my looks and personality when I went to uni because I was always taught that I wasn’t special, to the point where I didn’t take people seriously who told me I wasn’t unattractive.
Although my current partner has helped me so much with being able to love myself and have self pride, I still have those thoughts often unfortunately. Eg “I need to be the prettiest that I can be today because if I’m not then I’m not good enough” when hanging out with friends or meeting new people because I want to make a good impression like I’m graded on how amazing I am. In the grand scheme of things I know nobody really cares to that degree, but I’ve been conditioned to care and it’s hard to let go of that way of thinking about myself.
Not voicing things that bother me because I was so used to being silenced and told I was crazy or yelled at for bringing anything up. I was so used to being emotionally neglected that I just sat with my feelings and thoughts and that caused me to overthink and break down every once in a while which was and is very toxic for a current partner. I’ve been in therapy for awhile now and I’ve improved so much.
Being hyper independent and believing no one will actually be reliable so I don't put too much on others to keep my expecations low and not be disappointed, feel like I have to be that way or I'd feel like a burden just for asking a favor.
Having to regain that control of my own life saved me but it also made me very cold/hard hearted. I now struggle a lot with lack of control over others, I am aware I'm not in control of others, I'm working on it, and I absolutely see it as a negative, it is, and I need to do better.
When I’m upset with someone or if they hurt my feelings my first thought is get out of there because whenever I tried to bring up concerns with my ex he would yell at me.
Taking responsibility for every bad mood, even if it's totally unrelated to me. Saying yes when I mean no in order to keep the peace and to not "cause trouble" or "be difficult". Thinking I am not worthy of a truly good man, because I deserve to be treated like shit. Being deeply convinced that nobody will ever love me just as I am, because I was told so much that it was absolutely impossible to really truly love me for ME.
Been seeing my therapist for over 7 years now, and things have gotten a LOT better (and some are almost gone), but the thought patterns are extremely strong and very hard to break and once they get triggered, I spiral. I hate the impact my ex husband has had on my life, with ever fiber of my being.
I’m extremely guarded. If let myself feel any form of vulnerability I will convince myself I’m being used and bolt from the relationship with a big explosion behind me.
If someone doesn’t text me back or I don’t know what’s going on in their life at all times my entire body gets tense and I can’t think about anything else until they text me back. My brain will convince myself to leave the relationship to feel relief from the tension instead of working through the emotions at play in that reaction. Lots of fun!
I struggle to trust men. I start talking to someone and every off comment or reaction feels like a red flag and I am scared of being vulnerable and open with a man. I might not ever be able to do it. Thank god I am bi.
Paranoia. I found out after I left that he'd been monitoring allllllllll my conversations. Text, social media, everything. It makes it very hard to trust people and I always wonder if I'm being watched/followed/etc.
Trusting myself and accepting my own feelings as valid. For 16 years, anytime I brought up how I felt about something to do with the relationship I was dismissed or straight up ignored, told I shouldn't feel the way that I do, and once straight up told my feelings are stupid.
To this day I constantly struggle with gaslighting myself that I shouldn't feel how I do and that my emotions themselves are "wrong".
He always made me feel dumb. But if I tried to then show that I wasn't, he made me feel shit like I was trying to make him feel stupid. It's like I couldn't win, ever.
I just cannot trust people. I still(6 years later) think, that if I ever try another relationship, I get cheated on. That\`s the reason I stay single and unavaibable.
Being made to feel guilty for crying, like I was over emotional, and for making him feel bad for shitty things he'd done to me. Now I've been with my husband for over 10 years and I still feel like I need to hide my tears (never caused by him, just my own stress) and apologize for my emotions. He's never ever made me feel bad for that but because of that past relationship feel so guilty for my negative emotions.
I’m in the process of combining bank accounts with my new husband (second marriage) and I found myself giving automatic explanations for charges while scrolling through the account.
I was just showing him how the app worked! But I still couldn’t stop from justifying my spending to him. My heart rate sped up and got really hot and anxious and dizzy. Took me right back to my first marriage and how financially controlling and abusive he was.
Being too hyper vigilant and purposely looking for ways to self sabotage just because I don’t want to be hurt again. And if the amount of attention I receive is inconsistent, then I also tend to take that personally.
The root cause of mine is my childhood. I have fear of abandonment and I’m anxious/avoidant. Sometimes I pull away so that I can’t be left but I’m the one leaving. It’s like a self fulfilling prophecy. My husband hasn’t left me and I haven’t left him. I just notice times when I’m more anxious or needy for reassurance and times when I’m closed off and to myself in our relationship. My husband is very secure and he notices this but doesn’t push me. We both know what’s going on and have had conversations about it.
My ex was extremely sensitive — basically he would start crying any time I would try to bring up something that upset me (which were rational things to be upset about, like ohhhh let’s say getting trashed and puking in our humidifier, or regularly overdrawing his account and needing to borrow money even though he made more money than I did). I swear I was not mean in my approach, on the contrary, I used to be totally passive and sugarcoat everything. And still he would make me out to be “mean”. Between coming from a family of very aggressive people whom I couldn’t confront because they would explode on me, and this relationship where I couldn’t confront my SO because he would burst into tears and make me pity him (ironically, one of the reasons I got with him was because he seemed so “nice” aka not aggressive like my fam), I have a really hard time feeling like I can bring up difficult topics with the people I date 🙄 getting better now, but Jesus it only took a bunch of therapy and 7 years worth of self help books/podcasts. So wild how manipulation comes in so many different flavors.
If I break something I try and hide it from my husband, even though I know he won't care. My ex would call me all sorts of names when I broke something
Not standing up for myself. I grew up in an abusive household, had at least to abusive relationships and a few toxic friendships and I learned that I’m safer, when I cater someone else’s needs first and just shut up.
Trying to unlearn it now but it’s hard.
Twenty years ago, I had an ex get physical with me. Don't think either one of us was thinking. Just reacting. I hurt him disproportionately with my bare hands. Think bruising vs. hospital.
Worked on my temper, but now I have the opposite problem. I will put up with a lot. Looking back over relationship stuff after that and thinking, "Well, I probably shouldn't have dealt with that so passively."
Body image / self confidence. This was my first relationship— a high school into college situation. I remember saying one of his friends said something funny and he took this personally and told me I wasn’t pretty enough for his friend. After that day he often would slip in that I wasn’t pretty or attractive— meanwhile, he’d always text me “good morning beautiful” so you can imagine how confused I was. To this day I wonder if I’m * actually * pretty or not sometimes.
My last relationship was so toxic and because of this he used any excuse to get out of the house and not be around me. Which was good because I did not want to be around him either but it ended up making me feel like I was unloveable. My current boyfriend enjoys his space and it is hard for me to not take that personally now.
Screaming. Whether it’s at me, at someone else, at the TV when a game is on, good, bad, indifferent. Even when someone’s voice just starts getting louder because they’re passionate about whatever they’re talking about. My heart starts racing and I feel myself slipping into a dissociative state.
i used to text him i love you when the time matched up with his birthday. he did it a couple times in the beginning but it was mostly me do it. im now so in tune with this time of day i always tend to be looking at a clock around it and the anger i feel is still something im getting over
Letting go of shame, self-consciousness, and self-loathing due to being from different cultures, having mental disorders and disabilities, coming from a non-traditional background, not being conventionally attractive, etc.
Not walking on eggshells anymore. Constantly being aware of every tiny change in my partners mood, thinking it's because of me. Opening up when something is bothering me, because I'm afraid it will turn into a huge fight where he will tell me to fuck off until I'm done "being dramatic".
To mask my emotions moods off my face. An to keep a smile on at all times.
Triggered during childhood where parents were too busy to look at me and ex husband and his family didn’t care a damn. If I did t have a cheerful face I would not be safe with him. It’s now a habit that I can’t seem to leave.
Neglect/ignoring me. When someone doesn’t respond to a text or to me in a certain amount of time, I start to get upset. I know it’s because I didn’t get enough positive attention as a kid.
In college my boyfriend at the time told me my mental health struggles were "Too much" for him. I was in the process of getting away from abusive family members, battling depression/anxiety/CPTSD, and had just lost my best friend and job. I now understand that he just didn't have the emotional capacity to empathize with what I was going through, but I still worry that my personal issues will ruin my current healthy relationship.
I feel i struggle with sexuality.
i’ve always never been enough for my partners; physically. i’ve always been second or third to the goth girls and redheads.
my ex would say yes to sex once every month or two, at some point he told me how disgusting he found sex to be. He told me the only reason he was ‘ok with me having toys’ was because he wasn’t enough for me, he made me feel guilty every time i masturbated. now i still feel guilty. years later.
my other ex went out of his way to prove to me that he found other women more attractive.
the men i’ve been with have left me with more scars then i truly care to have. 🤙🏻
Doing everything myself. Before leaving the marital home I cleaned, cooked, did all laundry, did all yard work, did all small home repairs I could figure out how to do by watching YouTube videos, took care of 3 children, did all running for said children, made plans with both sides of the family when holidays rolled around, hosted for holidays doing all the work, worked full-time as a special education teacher, owned my own yoga studio....need I say more...Now I still struggle with accepting any help at all. If I ask my teenager to help me with something, within 5 minutes I'm just automatically doing it myself. My youngest is in archery and he missed practice because I had to teach yoga and my daughter had to work. The coach texted and said there are literally 10 kids with their licenses that could have picked him up. I honestly didn't even consider it because I DID EVERYTHING MYSELF. It's draining and I'm trying to get better.
My ex-husband told me he preferred his girlfriend's genitalia shape/ size and taste better than mine. He refused to go down on me but didn't mind going down on her. (We were poly. No comments that he was cheating)
I have a wonderful new partner but I still wait to be told that I’m doing it wrong. The old partner criticized and complained about everything I did. Cutting the veggies the wrong way, holding the paint brush wrong, sitting wrong, brushing my teeth the wrong way and so on and on.
Quite a bit sadly. I think the main one is thinking that my boyfriend finding another woman attractive means he wants her instead of me or is going to cheat on me. Logically I know this is so incorrect, as I’ll find other men attractive but would never even step one foot towards them (I love my boyfriend, I have no feelings towards them, and don’t think about them for longer than the “oh he’s attractive”. My ex would constantly talk about fucking other girls, either celebrities or girls we knew, and all of them were blonde (I’m brunette). I found out after the relationship that some of these girls that we knew he ACTUALLY did talk to/flirt with/try to fuck. Now it’s a trigger. Even though my boyfriend loves me and treats me like a queen.
Self worth & confidence. I'm a little better now that I have a partner who loves me for who I am but I still struggle with embracing what makes me me and coming out of my shell. My toxic ex made fun of my hobbies, clothing, personality, and molded me into who he wanted me to be.
My facial expression!!! I have a natural resting bitch face, have had people ask me occasionally "what's wrong ", you look upset etc. And I have to explain I'm in a good mood that's just what I look like lol. I told him this , and he started doing it to me almost every day. I'd be peacefully doing laundry whatever and he'd say, why are you making that face. Watching a show , why do you look like that and mock my face . I am so conscious of how I am expressing my face now I am always making sure I have a slight smile and raise eyebrows when people are nearby . Still self conscious to this day broke up 3 years ago.
That every man is secretly undressing me with their eyes, that they save photos of me from social media to jerk off to later, that instead of listening to what I’m talking about and pretending they care that they’re really just sexualizing me.
Not only did he do this to me but he did it to pretty much every woman in his life. I gagged when I found his vault of bikini photos from girls that were his friend which he pulled from their insta. And that was just an addition to his actual cheating
The constant feeling like I don’t have say, or that I owe people something. Since I started therapy last summer, I’m realizing how much of a people pleaser I became and how many people I had in my life who had no regard for my feelings at all (but I called them my best friends).
This is from a relationship with my mom but doing things that are "weird" or outside of the norm and being made fun of. My husband has NEVER criticized anything I do. He might say "hmmm...ok" but he's never said "that's stupid" the way my mom did my whole life. I still struggle some times with telling him my ideas but I do eventually and then it's always great! And I constantly have to remind myself that it'll be fine. That he's never given me a reason to think he would say otherwise.
Twelve years later and I still hear him saying I’m worthless and a burden. I still remember how being hit felt and how much shame I experienced because I was sure it was my fault. I feel these things to my core, like they became a part of my body. It is something deep down that no matter how much counseling and recovery I go through, I cannot shake it. I honestly don’t know if I ever will, I may just have to live with these feelings while always acknowledging they are not true. It is a daily process.
The physical reactions are something I also feel to my core. My husband is so so loving and caring, has never raised his voice and has only ever been kind and loving and supportive. But I oftentimes find myself flinching or having some sort of physical reaction to things he does and I can’t help it
I've been cheated on. Alot. It ended my first marriage- i think he was messing around for years. There's triggers I have from that still- certain words, sometimes believing something about me gets me cheated on. Guys I dated after would also sleep with me and ghost me. It fucks with your self worth and trust in others. In That marriage i also was led to feel everything was my fault and I cried regularly- all the while he was lying and having several secret relationships.
Avoidance, aloofness and not being able to rely on my partner for anything.
I was in a relationship with someone I really really liked and heavily invested my emotions in them...but they dropped me out of nowhere with no warning. Took me years to recover from it and I'm still not there. Looking back they had me very insecure in that entire relationship and I didn't like how I was. I'm scared of being in that position again and I'm not able to give up any sort of control.
I feel pressure to have sex with my partner after a certain amount of time bc otherwise I’ll tend to believe that my partner will be doing something else that could hurt me . Like watch porn or something. Which is a boundary I set.
In the past, my abuser made me feel like if we didn’t have sex daily, he wouldn’t like me. And when he felt unsatisfied, he used porn and explained the video, what he did, etc to me. It hurt me terribly.
My partner has shown me that
a)sex is not what he is focusing on
b) he loves me even if we don’t have sex all the time
c) I don’t have to feel like I need to perform for him
AND
d) he would not break my boundaries by watching porn. he’d communicate.
I really love him. And I do believe him. I know he loves and respects me. And yet I cannot help but still feel afraid. I’m working on it and have talked to him about it. I think I’m improving, but I’ve still got some work to do!
- After my ex called me a "freak" and berated me for not wanting children and never feeling a desire to have them/never heard my biological clock, I've felt like there's been something wrong with me ever since.
- I struggle with speaking up for myself or sharing opinions because doing so usually meant I was going to get yelled at.
- Having needs and wanting to spend time with someone means I'm a burden. If I ask for anything slightly above bare minimum, I'm getting in the way.
I cannot be a passenger in a recklessly or angrily driven vehicle. After therapy I no longer begin at full meltdown, I now have the ability to ask twice to be let out before I melt all the way down. Past that, full on panic, anger, crying, hyperventilating WILL ensue. PTSD is awful.
I used to struggle with anxiety and trust issues from my previous toxic relationship but after 5 years of a wonderful relationship with a very loving and trusting man, I was glad to realize after reading this that I no longer struggle with any of that today. Lucky to have found someone who has essentially put all my fears and insecurities to rest.
Always having a Plan B, (not the abortion pill).
I have found that I immediately plan a course of action if things don’t work out. It sucks that it keeps me from giving my all, but I have been through that kind of breakup-blindsided-that I can/will not go through again.
I really struggle with guilt when I don’t want to have sex. Many times I think I will just feel better if I have the sex that I don’t want to have, just so I can avoid the guilt of saying no.
I want to be clear, my fiancé has NEVER pressured me and is always perfectly fine with me saying no. He always says things like, “that’s okay, no pressure, I am here when you’re ready and feeling up to it again.” The guilt comes from the previous experiences I had in other toxic relationships.
Telling myself I am beautiful. That I do deserve love and affection. That my foreskin isn't gross, its actually "perfect" as my wife would say. That I can spend time with my family and there's nothing to feel guilty about it.
One of my newer (platonic male) friends is genuinely capable of expressing his emotions and thoughts in a calm fashion, without throwing a raging tantrum. My abusive soon-to-be-ex-husband was only capable of "expressing himself" through raging anger, to include physically hurting me, and only ever "expressed himself" when he was sloppy drunk. I am actively and intentionally having to learn how to "de-program" my brain from associating male expression with drunkenness. It's a lesson that is a work in progress.
Also, my STBXH had a legitimate, genuine hoarding problem. Even when it came time to sell our (now former) house, he barely lifted a finger, so the task of decluttering and purging his 2,000+ sq ft of *stuff* fell on *my* shoulders, even though I work full-time AND I have an autoimmune condition that affects my musculoskeletal system, which I'm on immunotherapy infusions for, and regularly have to undergo surgery for. Clearing out a hoarder house -- and over 2,000+ sq of stuff and junk -- was a truly traumatizing experience.
Since leaving him, I've downsized to a lovely little condo, and own just the very basics: my bed, one barstool at my kitchen island, a teensy little desk since I work remotely half the week, the clothes in my closet, and a very basic cookware set. I don't even own a couch. I still experience panic and anxiety attacks at the thought or idea of buying anything. My mother insisted on buying me a (very small) carpet for my front hallway as a housewarming gift for my new condo, and like a fussy toddler, I literally had an emotional meltdown right there in the store. I melted into a puddle of anxiety-fueled tears on the floor of the store. Even though I'm a full-fledged adult, my mother had to lean down on the floor, wrap me in her arms, wipe my tears, and we walked out of the store with me panic-crying. Needless to say, we caused a scene.
Living with and leaving a hoarder is....... an ongoing struggle and type of nightmare fuel I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. It really does a number on your mental health.
One of my very first serious relationships, he kept it a secret. All my friends knew but never any of his friends. We only ever hung out with my friends or at my house. If we were around anyone he knew, he acted differently. He told his mom we were just friends but maybe she suspected.
I struggle with this to this day. I’m constantly worried if they change behavior or worry if I’ve embarrassing them. I get into my head thinking maybe I think we’re more serious than we actually are. I end up questioning if they even like me, despite what they actually say. It really messed up.
Being r*ped by her
Silent treatment
Knowing if my boundaries will be respected rather than trampled on
Always being hypervigilant about other people's moods, emotions & tone of voice and microscopic changes to them (from childhood through my twenties - still do so today)
The one that gets me at least weekly, even though it’s been years… and this is an odd one… using toilet paper.
My ex never had Kleenex around the house and I am a cryer. Happy, sad, angry… I cry. Well, one night we get into a pretty nasty fight. I’m bawling, my nose is running and there’s no Kleenex. So I used toilet paper. This man screamed at me for using toilet paper to blow my nose. I brought my own tissues after that.
I’n the beginning of relationships I’m constantly afraid I’m being used for sex, then they’re going to leave once they get bored of me. It happened to me twice in a row and it’s hard to let go of.
Relying on my partner. Ex was wildly impulsive and wanted everyone to like him. I could not count on him for anything from paying the bills on time to going out together. No matter what we were doing it was as if I had no permanence in his mind. Now I'm married to a man who can sometimes be forgetful but makes genuine effort to consider me every day and it's amazing. Sometimes he has to remind me that I can share some responsibilities with him. He'll do things like set alarms or leave himself a big sticky note so he remembers to do things he's promised me he would do.
The sex was very, very good and I can't help but miss it now, as my life circumstances are much more stable and different. I'm proud of myself for building a life with a wonderful person who isn't toxic and we made a great family together. But damn. Sex with my toxic ex was pretty hot.
I can relate to the silent treatment and mood monitoring hard! One tiny thing that still bothers me is the thumbs up emoji. Had an ex use that passive aggressively whenever he wants to mess with me and to this day I cannot see it as positive anymore. My good friend does it but to her it means she’s acknowledging/agreeing to my text and I just have to deal / learn to not see it negatively but it always sends me when I see it.
i struggle with believing that someone actually likes me/loves me. my ex's words and actions didn't match up and it just never felt like they really liked/loved me. and then after going on dates where i thought my date was being genuine, it just turned out they wanted to hook up only.
so basically i have a hard time trusting
With my ex husband, it was the inability to feel protected and that he was a reliable teammate. I had to wear the pants. I couldn’t get him to do simple housework like help take the trashes out on trash night, or lock the doors before we went to sleep, that I got to the point of doing it before he got home from school or work and I started staying up way after he went to bed so I could make sure the doors are locked….
Fast forward to today, I take out the trash to help my fiancé who works over 60 hrs a week. And I love washing and cooking elaborate dishes and simple ones for him, because he provides the one thing I truly needed to feel comfortable and secure in my life after losing my father and brothers- he protects me.
That it’s okay to like things because I like them even if they don’t. That I am my own person and can go, do, say whatever I want and won’t be punished for it.
Easily telling my partner what I’d like to do or what I think about something without thinking first about consequences. I’d love to be able to openly say things without judgement. Which I can, but I still wrongly assume I’ll be judged before I say anything because that’s what used to happen. My current partner has always been non judgmental and very open about hearing what I’d like. I’m just still stuck in a mental rut that I’d like to keep climbing out of!
Constantly scanning for changes in people’s emotions and moods. I have a little radar in me that was ignited by my parents and ex husband whose moods I had to monitor in order to feel safe. I don’t think it’ll ever go away.
I really relate to this. When I can "sense" that someone is not in a good mood, I get so, so anxious. It's something I never really noticed about myself until I started living with my partner, and I realized how sensitive I am to his moods. Even if it's just because he's tired/sick/had a long day/etc. and has nothing to do with me/us, it still sets me on edge. He NEVER takes his emotions out on me, but I have been finding it difficult to manage my own anxiety about how HE'S feeling. Obviously the solution isn't for him to be in a good mood 24/7, and I have a lot of self work to do, but yeah... I'm having a really hard time with it.
This is me. I’m unsettled and not ok if my husband is off. I had an abusive dad.
I’m on the other side of this and feel so deeply for my man’s anxiety about my moods. I’m expressive and use my words, body, and face to shake out my feelings and stay present. Unfortunately, my method for relieving stress directly causes stress in my man. I used to reassure him while I was moody, but that actually reinforced his anxiety and he would spiral hard when I didn’t reassure him in a specific way that he grew to expect. His bar for reassurance kept increasing. It really is something only he alone can work through, and I know it sucks.
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I’m always aware of everyone else’s feelings or how they will feel. So weird.
Good ol' hyper vigilance.
I've never heard it put this way before, but yes... that's a perfect term for it.
Yep! I had a mom whose emotional well being I felt responsible for and now can’t handle anyone being less than happy with me or just in general. Any bad mood must be because I’m not trying hard enough.
OMG, I feel this in my soul. The truth of the matter is that nothing we did was going to fix them, because the problem was internal to them, not something we did.
It's called hypervigilance and is very common in people who have experienced neglect or abuse from parents and/or partner.
Ah yes the emotional monitoring. I have to consciously not ask if someone is ok and let things be.
Same. Just from the ex husband, though. His mood could turn on a dime, and wherever we were, he'd scream at me. My now-husband is one of the most even-keeled, non-abusive dudes on the planet, but if he raises his voice, I shrink, shut down, and look for the nearest exit.
Exactly! I have the same situation.
Therapy!! I’m learning I’m not responsible for others’ emotions and reactions
Worst is when you detect the mood but then they say nothing is wrong!! Didn’t do this with my parents but I do call out my partner when my radar goes off.
Trauma. I have it too n
For me, personally, there are quite a few things. But this got me thinking when I stayed home very sick from work and my husband texted me that he was on his way home. I jumped up and cleaned everything, made sure the apartment was spotless so that he wouldn’t think I was lazy all day today. I was not lazy, I was sick. But in my past relationships, whether or not I was sick, depressed, recovering from surgery, whatever it was, I was seen as lazy if I wasn’t up and productive while at home.
This was the last straw with my ex husband. I was injured couldn’t lift my arm and he came home from work, asked me what I did all day and why the laundry wasn’t done. That was when I realized that this man was never going to have my back.
I was unemployed for like 4 months with my ex and things were rocky already so that was so much strain on our relationship. He already felt like I was lazy and didn’t clean enough, imagine when I’m home all day unemployed. I was so depressed and filling out dozens and dozens of applications and cover letters for jobs all day, the day would literally get away from me. I was so anxious to get a job again. Everyday he would ask why this or that wasn’t done and what I did all day. I had no answer most of the time except “I filled out 50 applications today!” He did not share my excitement or express anything other than shaking his head and start working on whatever he already decided I should’ve been doing all day. I got a job in late June and within a month he dumped me and I was moved out of his house before Labor Day weekend that year. My fiance is always proud of what I get done, even if I’m hard on myself he’s very impressed and encouraging.
I love that you found someone like your fiancé who is positive and encouraging 🥲
Wow I feel you.
I learned recently that our insecurities are all made up. Whatever you THINK the other person is thinking, you made it up. It’s all made up.
Silence. It was often used as punishment for days or weeks at a time.
this. i grew up in a household where silence was used as a way to communicate you are arguing with that person. we walked on eggshells and then 3 days later we’d forget everything and move like nothing happened. which FUCKED me up so hard. im still learning and unlearning so many things from my childhood
Wow, that’s such a cold environment. How do you feel it has impacted your relationships?
It was eye opening to me to learn that the silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. My stepmom gave me the silent treatment all the time growing up.
I had an ex that would take his television from the living room to his bedroom, lock me out and watch my favorite show and movies loudly for days without talking to me. I'd never experienced someone who used the silent treatment and it really fucked me up.
that is absolutely insane. I’m so sorry, I hope you’re in a better place now. ♥️
I didn’t know how much of a trigger this was for me until recently. Everything has been great with my partner but about 1.5 months ago, he went silent on me for over 2 weeks. We live together so I don’t mean complete silence, but completely avoiding conversation, 1 word blunt answers, dull tone when he spoke and no eye contact. Turns out work was just super stressful I guess, but it sent me into a horrible spiral of anxiety at I’m still getting over now though everything is great :(
It doesn't sound great if it's still affecting you. Please consider talking to him and/or seeking counseling if you need help. If he's stressed about work, he can ask for space instead of shutting you out.
Thank you, I really appreciate that! I started speaking to a counsellor to help me navigate it as I started having really strong feelings of rejection after this that really affected me. I mentioned that his shutting down made me feel very worried, but I haven’t been very open about how badly I have felt because I think it was really influenced by a general depression spiral and that level of pressure felt unfair. I do hope that he can be more open in the future with just asking for space rather than shutting down
Oh, fuck. So many things from my ex-husband. A persistent inner nagging voice telling me that my now-husband, who is admiring and wonderful, must be faking it and doesn't really find me attractive. A feeling that my worth is commensurate to my productivity.
This is always so tough for me too. I’m sorry, I hope your now husband is patient and reassuring♥️
Feeling like I could lose everything at any second and nothing will ever last. Feeling like if people knew "the real me" they would hate me. Feeling like I will inevitably be abandoned....again and it's my own fault for not being "enough" and not being "worthy"
I feel every word of this!!!
Oh wow. You’ve perfectly described exactly how I feel.
Emotional neglect. After my mom died , my now ex-husband completely shut off his emotions to the point where I couldn't read him anymore and constantly had to check in and ask if he was okay or how he was feeling. It was extremely difficult.
After YOUR mom died? I can’t even imagine how you felt. I am so sorry. It should’ve been the other way around, him checking in and asking if you were okay. Wow
I was the other woman unknowingly. In my mind, we had 4 years of bliss and were headed for a real future together. Then found her and realized i was the secret, our future wasn't real but hers, with him, was. I told her. He convinced her that I made everything up. He still reaches out/finds me/asks to fuck/tells me he is divorced. He lies and lies. I told her again and she blamed me, so I just don't say anything now. I have a very hard time trusting people. I meant nothing to that man, I was nothing. I didn't exist. I have to remind myself that I am important to the people around me, but sometimes it's easy to think otherwise. I went through postpartum and the father of my child leaving us.. but this still takes the cake.
>He convinced her that I made everything up. Saaaaaaaaaaame. But I went scorched earth and sent her an 86 page excel sheet of single text message we had that concerned her or our future, and even included receipts from trips and boarding passes. He even introduced me to his friends, and they kept the ruse up for him. I honestly don't know how I will trust a man fully again. Plus side, I really like cats, so like ... if I just become the old cat lady that's fine.
I went to his and her commanding officer. Guess it's sucks to get kicked out of the military and get a divorce.
I am there right now with you. Only way to get over this is by being completely self assured and loving yourself 100%, I have an attitude of “that’s great you love me but will you go the distance, until I know you can you won’t have my heart”, which men have said is cold and unappealing, but then again they are the problematic variety who eventually reveal themselves.
Oh honey I’m so sorry. I was the other woman for a year and a half. Only to find out there was a girlfriend of 11 years. I can’t imagine 4 years!!! It is such a mindfuck, these types of men are sick in the head.
Trust. 10000% Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that can cause serious harm.
It took me years after the breakup to no longer question if basic things I was experiencing were real. My memory was also shot for a long time. The ending of this story is a happy one: I took on a part time barista job for extra money to sue my ex husband. Not only was I successful in my lawsuit, but I also restored a significant amount of my memory capacity working as a barista.
I feel this. It really can make you question your reality.
Ooooo - for me it’s feeling like I have to “fix” his emotions for him. My husband wears his feelings right out on his sleeve and he’s got his own anxiety and PTSD, so certain situations really do get him flustered and stressed. My last partner always made every negative emotion that he had *my problem*. I’ve been with my husband for 12 years, and I still get triggered when he’s upset - just worried he’s going to pick a fight with me or start blaming me for putting him in an upsetting situation. But he’s never done that - he’s a grown man and he’s always taken responsibility for his feelings and his mental health.
I had a similar experience, but I'm not as triggered when my partner is upset. He's more likely to tear himself down and I have a lot of trust that he doesn't want to hurt me. I get triggered when I am upset. I became so used to having to hide my feelings--because my ex would decide why I was feeling the way I was feeling; projecting. I wasn't 'allowed' to have my own emotions. So now it's harder to open up. I wasn't that great at it to begin with. I can't share my vulnerabilities without crying now. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to. My partner listens to me though and I feel safe enough *to* tell him. But I am so used to stuffing those feelings that I don't even register them until I'm on edge and anxious.
The feeling that asking questions about my partner's life is being rude. Even mundane things like what was tiur favorite class in HS.
Insecurity in the bedroom. Being laughed at when you try to dress sexy/initiate sex really damages your self esteem. Come to find out too late my ex was really only into men, but still those moments left a lasting impression I'm still trying to shake off in my relationship now. Thankfully my fiance is understanding and loving about it all, so it's getting better as time passes.
My personality. I don't think he meant to, but years of nit picking has me doubting that I'm pleasant to be around.
Anxiety
Trust issues for sure. Knowing the extent someone can go to keep a part of themselves hidden, ya even w a new partner who is a 180. It’s almost ingrained in me now to be questioning.
Thinking that if they're mad at me they will do something to hurt me emotionally
I was just diagnosed with PTSD. Some from childhood and a lot from an extremely volatile and abusive ex. I realize I had been responding out of my trauma all this time with my husband. It has taken me time and understanding my diagnosis not to act like the scared hypothetical dog in the corner afraid of his intentions. This was always internal and really affected my mental health. I am working on a lot now and building trust in myself and our relationship.
Male validation from outside of my relationship
Being treated as the last option , made me always question the girl's intention.
Obsession with my friends. Worse cause we were both women, but at the time I identified as bi (have since accepted I'm a lesbian) which basically translated in her to head to "fucks all her friends". She even refused to believe my gay guy bestfriend was actually gay, because he didn't "look" gay - a.k.a he's a big, buff black jock type rather than a white femboy twink. It was very ironic coming from a lesbian who doesn't fit in with most lesbian stereotypes (except for the "mean" lesbian trope lol).
Being anxiously attached.
feelings of inadequacy and deep shame. it won't ever get better
I struggle with this, too. I’m working really hard on it in therapy and EMDR, but some days it just feels like it’ll never get better. Looking back, though, I actually have made progress, and am incredibly proud of myself for it. I genuinely wish you well, and hope you’re able to find some peace of your own with those thoughts and feelings.
My ex would say that what I wanted in life (stability, plans for the future, marriage, monogamy) was a "fairy tale". Logically I know plans change and no one can be 100% sure of the future, but we can plan things, we can express that we want those plans to succeed at a long run. Emotionally, I still struggle with reassurance. I always feel like I can't ask for future plans nor voice them or ask that of another person.
My ex made me feel like I was a burden for everything. I haven’t had a real serious relationship since him but when my friends tell me “oh I asked my boyfriend *something very usual like to stay with them while they were sick* I’m always sooooo shocked a man would actually do that. I think in my next relationship I’ll be worried to speak up when I need a hand because of it. I internalize everything
The constant fear of not being good enough, fear of dating again and feeling unloved.
constantly watching the guy to see if he's checking out other women or following new women online
THISSSS!!! my ex would comment on how beautiful our waitresses were at restaurants. he tried to physically change me into a type of girl that I was not. shortly before I broke up with him I went through his tiktok following and it was ENTIRELY suggestive underage girls accts or only fans teaser accts. it made me sick to my stomach and he acted like it was completely normal. I feel you, girl. I still struggle so much with this but I try my best to be more trusting every day. I hope you can find confidence, love, and trust in a new partner. <3
Hyper independence. Afraid to love. Will never look at kink the same way.
I’ve come a long way, but I still find myself picking myself apart or ruminating about how I was in conversations. Also just being able to trust other people to feel genuinely safe around them when they seem to value me. I thought I could trust myself before to Make smart decisions but all too often I give people the benefit of the doubt. I’m trying not to do that and pay attention to my gut now.
Feeling worthy. My ex negged me to pieces. Insulted my age, compared me to other women, told me everyone hated me, etc. he was genuinely emotionally abusive and I still think it's unfair he's still out there destroying women's lives.
Girl, where do I even start 😢
Questions: If I'm enough for my person or if they actually find me attractive. Finding out previous partners haven't been faithful so im in that mindset that'll happen again, keeping an eye on mood changes, body language, tone (I'm tone sensitive), lies, etc. It has repeated and always thinking if I'll be loved like the way I love others..which seems to be to much to ask for.
Thinking that every man is lying to me.
When someone who loves me is upset with me, that doesn't mean they will be mad at me forever nor does it mean they will walk out of my life. (This is more from childhood trauma than a previous romantic relationship but still a lot to unpack)
Over analyzing my husbands emotions and actions while questioning if there's an ulterior motive behind it. Also, being super weary of random gifts or kind gestures like flowers or a spontaneous kiss/back hug.
I still have a hard time with allowing myself to relax without feeling guilty. Growing up with my dad, and then with my ex, I always felt this harsh judgement if I wasn't being productive the minute they got home from work. Even if I'd been busy all day and was just taking a break, as soon as I knew they were on their way I'd jump up and at least make it look like I was doing something. I had to make it a point to show off and explain all the things I'd done, because they wouldn't notice on their own. I also struggle with guilt about indulging. I remember it was always such a big deal if I finished the last of a food or if I ate all of something. My current fiancé will say something like "Did you eat the rest of the leftover pasta?" And I'll get really nervous and say "...yes" and he'll say "good!" and pat my stomach. It's a learning process.
Never fully trusting people and so I never give myself fully again. Always over reading people’s expressions, body behavior. And when my gut tells me something is wrong. I go with my gut
I cannot tolerate yelling.
Insecurity. Always thinking I've done something wrong.
Lying. Growing up, everyone I was related to basically pissed on my head and told me it was raining apple juice. I will have trust issues for the rest of my life.
Asking permission for ridiculous things. Showering, closing the door, talking, laughing, you know, basic existence.
I tend to think poorly of people right away. I always think they have an ulterior motive when they do something nice like compliment or offer me help. Every time I have to physically rein my reaction in and remind myself it’s okay for people to be nice.
Trust. I find it very hard to believe things that partners tell me because of how much I was gaslight and lied to.
The cheating. Even though I’ve always trusted my husband, I had some moments in the early years where I’d momentarily have a panic attack if he was late, going out with friends, etc. I knew it was my issue and didn’t have anything to do with him. It made me hate my ex even more.
Trust and not being able to relax. Always waiting for the ball to drop
It’s exhausting, isn’t it?
It really is:(
Lying and cheating. It took me a long time to figure out all the dynamics.
Feeling like I’m going to get into trouble. My ex was always complaining about me (to me and others - especially his mother). I never felt truly loved or accepted by him. That feeling still haunts me.
voicing my opinion
Believing men at anything they say to you. I don’t/can’t commit myself to anyone until they prove themselves after abuse I went through. This means I can go 3-6 months on emotional neutral standby mode as my love interest gets to experience the high of gradually falling in love with me, while I don’t feel anything until I can let my guard down and trust he’s safe.
Wondering if he is going to outside parties for relationship advice instead of just communicating with me.
I have so, so many. I get really panicked if anyone raises voices. I am hyper protective of what I perceive as someone stealing my autonomy - I'm not always correct to be upset of this, it can get really awkward. I struggle to talk to men who aren't my partner because I'm scared someone will accuse me of wanting to fuck them. I have tons of issues relating to how I dress and present myself, it's really confusing and honestly that is a bit exhausting. I seem to have an internal panic button, I don't know what exactly triggers it about certain people but once it's been pushed that person freaks me the fuck out and there is no way to switch it off. I have very poor emotional control.
My ex used to insist on buying me things/paying for things. I worked but hey, by all means. We all like gifts right? He would then wig out on me, yell, lecture me for hours and make me feel like an absolute burden because of "everything I do for you". Dude, all I wanted to do was watch a movie together without you getting hammered. Why am I balling my eyes right now? It was a mental game and now whenever someone pays for something for me, I can feel myself start to panic. Financial manipulation is a real thing and a form of abuse. I was told, if I hadn't of gotten out when I did, it most likely would have escalated. Sucks because some people just genuinely want to buy you stuff and do nice things for you. Such a decent humble thing and he ruined it for me. Fuck you Scott
Timelines for the future (excluding actively trying for a baby and how many we plan to have since that conversation happened back in August) Yelling/having someone snap at me (thank you childhood trauma) Asking for any financial help in case it could get thrown back into my face (thank you toxic ex) Any touching without my consent (I might light up with my current boyfriend, but anyone else who I don’t trust trying to touch me immediately sends me into a panic) Trusting someone’s intent (if I haven’t been around them long, I automatically assume their intent is bad) Knowing if someone truly likes my personality rather than just trying to only see my looks (I asked my ex what his favorite things about me were multiple times, and I had to prompt him for personality traits every single time) Being in confined spaces with a guy when I want privacy (thank you trauma in general) It sucks because I want to be normal, but with all of these things… I don’t know how I’ve managed to survive nearly 10 months with my current boyfriend without him getting sick of me.
Wow, I so understand this!!
My ex told me that he kept having sex with me because he felt bad for me. I know my boyfriend loves me so much, but I still sometimes worry if he only sleeps with me because he pities me.
Trust
If someone tells me to "shut the fuck up" or calls me dumb or stupid I just leave. It's cost me jobs, but if I left my partner of 14 years over that behavior I'm not going to let my boss do it. I also don't like being touched or have someone, even a partner, point at my face or brush my hair to the side or wipe a smudge or something, without telling me they are going to before hand.
I subconsciously run my opinions through a filter where I check to see if my partner/friend/whoever would like it first. E.g. discovering new music, I’m like, [partner] wouldn’t like this, therefore I don’t. My ex used to make me feel terrible if my likes and interests didn’t align with his. Seems silly but I struggle to form opinions that feel truly mine.
Being enough. My ex made me feel like I should be better and I always felt like I had constant competition. Whether that be I wasn’t chill, edgy, sexy, pretty, funny, exciting enough. There was always someone who was more of those things than I was. Also there was always someone with a better body than me, better hair, nicer eyes, clearer skin. I never felt like I was “a catch”. It was a bit strange for me to have positive attention surrounding my looks and personality when I went to uni because I was always taught that I wasn’t special, to the point where I didn’t take people seriously who told me I wasn’t unattractive. Although my current partner has helped me so much with being able to love myself and have self pride, I still have those thoughts often unfortunately. Eg “I need to be the prettiest that I can be today because if I’m not then I’m not good enough” when hanging out with friends or meeting new people because I want to make a good impression like I’m graded on how amazing I am. In the grand scheme of things I know nobody really cares to that degree, but I’ve been conditioned to care and it’s hard to let go of that way of thinking about myself.
The feeling of being used only for sex
Not voicing things that bother me because I was so used to being silenced and told I was crazy or yelled at for bringing anything up. I was so used to being emotionally neglected that I just sat with my feelings and thoughts and that caused me to overthink and break down every once in a while which was and is very toxic for a current partner. I’ve been in therapy for awhile now and I’ve improved so much.
Always having to be on guard and defensive. Not letting little things get to me.
Being hyper independent and believing no one will actually be reliable so I don't put too much on others to keep my expecations low and not be disappointed, feel like I have to be that way or I'd feel like a burden just for asking a favor. Having to regain that control of my own life saved me but it also made me very cold/hard hearted. I now struggle a lot with lack of control over others, I am aware I'm not in control of others, I'm working on it, and I absolutely see it as a negative, it is, and I need to do better.
When I’m upset with someone or if they hurt my feelings my first thought is get out of there because whenever I tried to bring up concerns with my ex he would yell at me.
Taking responsibility for every bad mood, even if it's totally unrelated to me. Saying yes when I mean no in order to keep the peace and to not "cause trouble" or "be difficult". Thinking I am not worthy of a truly good man, because I deserve to be treated like shit. Being deeply convinced that nobody will ever love me just as I am, because I was told so much that it was absolutely impossible to really truly love me for ME. Been seeing my therapist for over 7 years now, and things have gotten a LOT better (and some are almost gone), but the thought patterns are extremely strong and very hard to break and once they get triggered, I spiral. I hate the impact my ex husband has had on my life, with ever fiber of my being.
I’m extremely guarded. If let myself feel any form of vulnerability I will convince myself I’m being used and bolt from the relationship with a big explosion behind me. If someone doesn’t text me back or I don’t know what’s going on in their life at all times my entire body gets tense and I can’t think about anything else until they text me back. My brain will convince myself to leave the relationship to feel relief from the tension instead of working through the emotions at play in that reaction. Lots of fun!
scared from getting lied to and getting emotionally abused so now im super afraid of abandonment and have horrible trust issues
I struggle to trust men. I start talking to someone and every off comment or reaction feels like a red flag and I am scared of being vulnerable and open with a man. I might not ever be able to do it. Thank god I am bi.
Paranoia. I found out after I left that he'd been monitoring allllllllll my conversations. Text, social media, everything. It makes it very hard to trust people and I always wonder if I'm being watched/followed/etc.
Trusting myself and accepting my own feelings as valid. For 16 years, anytime I brought up how I felt about something to do with the relationship I was dismissed or straight up ignored, told I shouldn't feel the way that I do, and once straight up told my feelings are stupid. To this day I constantly struggle with gaslighting myself that I shouldn't feel how I do and that my emotions themselves are "wrong".
He always made me feel dumb. But if I tried to then show that I wasn't, he made me feel shit like I was trying to make him feel stupid. It's like I couldn't win, ever.
I just cannot trust people. I still(6 years later) think, that if I ever try another relationship, I get cheated on. That\`s the reason I stay single and unavaibable.
Being made to feel guilty for crying, like I was over emotional, and for making him feel bad for shitty things he'd done to me. Now I've been with my husband for over 10 years and I still feel like I need to hide my tears (never caused by him, just my own stress) and apologize for my emotions. He's never ever made me feel bad for that but because of that past relationship feel so guilty for my negative emotions.
I’m in the process of combining bank accounts with my new husband (second marriage) and I found myself giving automatic explanations for charges while scrolling through the account. I was just showing him how the app worked! But I still couldn’t stop from justifying my spending to him. My heart rate sped up and got really hot and anxious and dizzy. Took me right back to my first marriage and how financially controlling and abusive he was.
Being too hyper vigilant and purposely looking for ways to self sabotage just because I don’t want to be hurt again. And if the amount of attention I receive is inconsistent, then I also tend to take that personally.
The root cause of mine is my childhood. I have fear of abandonment and I’m anxious/avoidant. Sometimes I pull away so that I can’t be left but I’m the one leaving. It’s like a self fulfilling prophecy. My husband hasn’t left me and I haven’t left him. I just notice times when I’m more anxious or needy for reassurance and times when I’m closed off and to myself in our relationship. My husband is very secure and he notices this but doesn’t push me. We both know what’s going on and have had conversations about it.
Being told where I can or can’t be, and what I can or can’t say
Trust.
My ex was extremely sensitive — basically he would start crying any time I would try to bring up something that upset me (which were rational things to be upset about, like ohhhh let’s say getting trashed and puking in our humidifier, or regularly overdrawing his account and needing to borrow money even though he made more money than I did). I swear I was not mean in my approach, on the contrary, I used to be totally passive and sugarcoat everything. And still he would make me out to be “mean”. Between coming from a family of very aggressive people whom I couldn’t confront because they would explode on me, and this relationship where I couldn’t confront my SO because he would burst into tears and make me pity him (ironically, one of the reasons I got with him was because he seemed so “nice” aka not aggressive like my fam), I have a really hard time feeling like I can bring up difficult topics with the people I date 🙄 getting better now, but Jesus it only took a bunch of therapy and 7 years worth of self help books/podcasts. So wild how manipulation comes in so many different flavors.
If I break something I try and hide it from my husband, even though I know he won't care. My ex would call me all sorts of names when I broke something
Not standing up for myself. I grew up in an abusive household, had at least to abusive relationships and a few toxic friendships and I learned that I’m safer, when I cater someone else’s needs first and just shut up. Trying to unlearn it now but it’s hard.
Putting their feelings first before mine. Feeling guilt when I am honest about something I'm not happy about it but worried of the reaction.
Setting boundaries
Twenty years ago, I had an ex get physical with me. Don't think either one of us was thinking. Just reacting. I hurt him disproportionately with my bare hands. Think bruising vs. hospital. Worked on my temper, but now I have the opposite problem. I will put up with a lot. Looking back over relationship stuff after that and thinking, "Well, I probably shouldn't have dealt with that so passively."
Body image / self confidence. This was my first relationship— a high school into college situation. I remember saying one of his friends said something funny and he took this personally and told me I wasn’t pretty enough for his friend. After that day he often would slip in that I wasn’t pretty or attractive— meanwhile, he’d always text me “good morning beautiful” so you can imagine how confused I was. To this day I wonder if I’m * actually * pretty or not sometimes.
My last relationship was so toxic and because of this he used any excuse to get out of the house and not be around me. Which was good because I did not want to be around him either but it ended up making me feel like I was unloveable. My current boyfriend enjoys his space and it is hard for me to not take that personally now.
Screaming. Whether it’s at me, at someone else, at the TV when a game is on, good, bad, indifferent. Even when someone’s voice just starts getting louder because they’re passionate about whatever they’re talking about. My heart starts racing and I feel myself slipping into a dissociative state.
i used to text him i love you when the time matched up with his birthday. he did it a couple times in the beginning but it was mostly me do it. im now so in tune with this time of day i always tend to be looking at a clock around it and the anger i feel is still something im getting over
Trust.
Internalizing that I will never be good enough
I find it impossible to believe there's men out there who don't cheat
Letting go of shame, self-consciousness, and self-loathing due to being from different cultures, having mental disorders and disabilities, coming from a non-traditional background, not being conventionally attractive, etc.
Not walking on eggshells anymore. Constantly being aware of every tiny change in my partners mood, thinking it's because of me. Opening up when something is bothering me, because I'm afraid it will turn into a huge fight where he will tell me to fuck off until I'm done "being dramatic".
To mask my emotions moods off my face. An to keep a smile on at all times. Triggered during childhood where parents were too busy to look at me and ex husband and his family didn’t care a damn. If I did t have a cheerful face I would not be safe with him. It’s now a habit that I can’t seem to leave.
Neglect/ignoring me. When someone doesn’t respond to a text or to me in a certain amount of time, I start to get upset. I know it’s because I didn’t get enough positive attention as a kid.
Never speaking up because what I had to say never mattered.
In college my boyfriend at the time told me my mental health struggles were "Too much" for him. I was in the process of getting away from abusive family members, battling depression/anxiety/CPTSD, and had just lost my best friend and job. I now understand that he just didn't have the emotional capacity to empathize with what I was going through, but I still worry that my personal issues will ruin my current healthy relationship.
Being unbothered by cheating.
I feel i struggle with sexuality. i’ve always never been enough for my partners; physically. i’ve always been second or third to the goth girls and redheads. my ex would say yes to sex once every month or two, at some point he told me how disgusting he found sex to be. He told me the only reason he was ‘ok with me having toys’ was because he wasn’t enough for me, he made me feel guilty every time i masturbated. now i still feel guilty. years later. my other ex went out of his way to prove to me that he found other women more attractive. the men i’ve been with have left me with more scars then i truly care to have. 🤙🏻
Doing everything myself. Before leaving the marital home I cleaned, cooked, did all laundry, did all yard work, did all small home repairs I could figure out how to do by watching YouTube videos, took care of 3 children, did all running for said children, made plans with both sides of the family when holidays rolled around, hosted for holidays doing all the work, worked full-time as a special education teacher, owned my own yoga studio....need I say more...Now I still struggle with accepting any help at all. If I ask my teenager to help me with something, within 5 minutes I'm just automatically doing it myself. My youngest is in archery and he missed practice because I had to teach yoga and my daughter had to work. The coach texted and said there are literally 10 kids with their licenses that could have picked him up. I honestly didn't even consider it because I DID EVERYTHING MYSELF. It's draining and I'm trying to get better.
My ex-husband told me he preferred his girlfriend's genitalia shape/ size and taste better than mine. He refused to go down on me but didn't mind going down on her. (We were poly. No comments that he was cheating)
I have a wonderful new partner but I still wait to be told that I’m doing it wrong. The old partner criticized and complained about everything I did. Cutting the veggies the wrong way, holding the paint brush wrong, sitting wrong, brushing my teeth the wrong way and so on and on.
Trust. Hard for me to believe anything men say to me anymore. I’m always questioning if it’s the truth. It really sucks.
I can't get into a relationship without thinking I'm not good enough or ugly. So I don't date...
Quite a bit sadly. I think the main one is thinking that my boyfriend finding another woman attractive means he wants her instead of me or is going to cheat on me. Logically I know this is so incorrect, as I’ll find other men attractive but would never even step one foot towards them (I love my boyfriend, I have no feelings towards them, and don’t think about them for longer than the “oh he’s attractive”. My ex would constantly talk about fucking other girls, either celebrities or girls we knew, and all of them were blonde (I’m brunette). I found out after the relationship that some of these girls that we knew he ACTUALLY did talk to/flirt with/try to fuck. Now it’s a trigger. Even though my boyfriend loves me and treats me like a queen.
Self worth & confidence. I'm a little better now that I have a partner who loves me for who I am but I still struggle with embracing what makes me me and coming out of my shell. My toxic ex made fun of my hobbies, clothing, personality, and molded me into who he wanted me to be.
Does he actually like me or am I a means to an end? Hence me avoiding relationships since it happened twice
My facial expression!!! I have a natural resting bitch face, have had people ask me occasionally "what's wrong ", you look upset etc. And I have to explain I'm in a good mood that's just what I look like lol. I told him this , and he started doing it to me almost every day. I'd be peacefully doing laundry whatever and he'd say, why are you making that face. Watching a show , why do you look like that and mock my face . I am so conscious of how I am expressing my face now I am always making sure I have a slight smile and raise eyebrows when people are nearby . Still self conscious to this day broke up 3 years ago.
That every man is secretly undressing me with their eyes, that they save photos of me from social media to jerk off to later, that instead of listening to what I’m talking about and pretending they care that they’re really just sexualizing me. Not only did he do this to me but he did it to pretty much every woman in his life. I gagged when I found his vault of bikini photos from girls that were his friend which he pulled from their insta. And that was just an addition to his actual cheating
The constant feeling like I don’t have say, or that I owe people something. Since I started therapy last summer, I’m realizing how much of a people pleaser I became and how many people I had in my life who had no regard for my feelings at all (but I called them my best friends).
This is from a relationship with my mom but doing things that are "weird" or outside of the norm and being made fun of. My husband has NEVER criticized anything I do. He might say "hmmm...ok" but he's never said "that's stupid" the way my mom did my whole life. I still struggle some times with telling him my ideas but I do eventually and then it's always great! And I constantly have to remind myself that it'll be fine. That he's never given me a reason to think he would say otherwise.
Love isn’t enough
Twelve years later and I still hear him saying I’m worthless and a burden. I still remember how being hit felt and how much shame I experienced because I was sure it was my fault. I feel these things to my core, like they became a part of my body. It is something deep down that no matter how much counseling and recovery I go through, I cannot shake it. I honestly don’t know if I ever will, I may just have to live with these feelings while always acknowledging they are not true. It is a daily process.
The physical reactions are something I also feel to my core. My husband is so so loving and caring, has never raised his voice and has only ever been kind and loving and supportive. But I oftentimes find myself flinching or having some sort of physical reaction to things he does and I can’t help it
That his emotions are my responsibility, and that everything is my responsibility.
I can't stop second guessing myself.
I flinch every time I see a silver Dodge Charger or a certain hair color on a certain height of a guy.
Not assuming I’m being cheated on all the time. It’s been 10 years and therapy done and all, and it still fucks with me.
I've been cheated on. Alot. It ended my first marriage- i think he was messing around for years. There's triggers I have from that still- certain words, sometimes believing something about me gets me cheated on. Guys I dated after would also sleep with me and ghost me. It fucks with your self worth and trust in others. In That marriage i also was led to feel everything was my fault and I cried regularly- all the while he was lying and having several secret relationships.
That partner getting me pregnant so I STILL have to deal with him. Haha and probably always will…
Trusting men. But not just to be safe, but to be responsible. I can’t see myself trusting a man to be responsible with money, work, kids.
Avoidance, aloofness and not being able to rely on my partner for anything. I was in a relationship with someone I really really liked and heavily invested my emotions in them...but they dropped me out of nowhere with no warning. Took me years to recover from it and I'm still not there. Looking back they had me very insecure in that entire relationship and I didn't like how I was. I'm scared of being in that position again and I'm not able to give up any sort of control.
I feel pressure to have sex with my partner after a certain amount of time bc otherwise I’ll tend to believe that my partner will be doing something else that could hurt me . Like watch porn or something. Which is a boundary I set. In the past, my abuser made me feel like if we didn’t have sex daily, he wouldn’t like me. And when he felt unsatisfied, he used porn and explained the video, what he did, etc to me. It hurt me terribly. My partner has shown me that a)sex is not what he is focusing on b) he loves me even if we don’t have sex all the time c) I don’t have to feel like I need to perform for him AND d) he would not break my boundaries by watching porn. he’d communicate. I really love him. And I do believe him. I know he loves and respects me. And yet I cannot help but still feel afraid. I’m working on it and have talked to him about it. I think I’m improving, but I’ve still got some work to do!
- After my ex called me a "freak" and berated me for not wanting children and never feeling a desire to have them/never heard my biological clock, I've felt like there's been something wrong with me ever since. - I struggle with speaking up for myself or sharing opinions because doing so usually meant I was going to get yelled at. - Having needs and wanting to spend time with someone means I'm a burden. If I ask for anything slightly above bare minimum, I'm getting in the way.
I cannot be a passenger in a recklessly or angrily driven vehicle. After therapy I no longer begin at full meltdown, I now have the ability to ask twice to be let out before I melt all the way down. Past that, full on panic, anger, crying, hyperventilating WILL ensue. PTSD is awful.
I used to struggle with anxiety and trust issues from my previous toxic relationship but after 5 years of a wonderful relationship with a very loving and trusting man, I was glad to realize after reading this that I no longer struggle with any of that today. Lucky to have found someone who has essentially put all my fears and insecurities to rest.
Always having a Plan B, (not the abortion pill). I have found that I immediately plan a course of action if things don’t work out. It sucks that it keeps me from giving my all, but I have been through that kind of breakup-blindsided-that I can/will not go through again.
I really struggle with guilt when I don’t want to have sex. Many times I think I will just feel better if I have the sex that I don’t want to have, just so I can avoid the guilt of saying no. I want to be clear, my fiancé has NEVER pressured me and is always perfectly fine with me saying no. He always says things like, “that’s okay, no pressure, I am here when you’re ready and feeling up to it again.” The guilt comes from the previous experiences I had in other toxic relationships.
I'm always dumped. So I wait to be dumped. And, I am dumped. Repeat, repeat, repeat
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Telling myself I am beautiful. That I do deserve love and affection. That my foreskin isn't gross, its actually "perfect" as my wife would say. That I can spend time with my family and there's nothing to feel guilty about it.
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I have a very thing with trust
One of my newer (platonic male) friends is genuinely capable of expressing his emotions and thoughts in a calm fashion, without throwing a raging tantrum. My abusive soon-to-be-ex-husband was only capable of "expressing himself" through raging anger, to include physically hurting me, and only ever "expressed himself" when he was sloppy drunk. I am actively and intentionally having to learn how to "de-program" my brain from associating male expression with drunkenness. It's a lesson that is a work in progress. Also, my STBXH had a legitimate, genuine hoarding problem. Even when it came time to sell our (now former) house, he barely lifted a finger, so the task of decluttering and purging his 2,000+ sq ft of *stuff* fell on *my* shoulders, even though I work full-time AND I have an autoimmune condition that affects my musculoskeletal system, which I'm on immunotherapy infusions for, and regularly have to undergo surgery for. Clearing out a hoarder house -- and over 2,000+ sq of stuff and junk -- was a truly traumatizing experience. Since leaving him, I've downsized to a lovely little condo, and own just the very basics: my bed, one barstool at my kitchen island, a teensy little desk since I work remotely half the week, the clothes in my closet, and a very basic cookware set. I don't even own a couch. I still experience panic and anxiety attacks at the thought or idea of buying anything. My mother insisted on buying me a (very small) carpet for my front hallway as a housewarming gift for my new condo, and like a fussy toddler, I literally had an emotional meltdown right there in the store. I melted into a puddle of anxiety-fueled tears on the floor of the store. Even though I'm a full-fledged adult, my mother had to lean down on the floor, wrap me in her arms, wipe my tears, and we walked out of the store with me panic-crying. Needless to say, we caused a scene. Living with and leaving a hoarder is....... an ongoing struggle and type of nightmare fuel I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. It really does a number on your mental health.
One of my very first serious relationships, he kept it a secret. All my friends knew but never any of his friends. We only ever hung out with my friends or at my house. If we were around anyone he knew, he acted differently. He told his mom we were just friends but maybe she suspected. I struggle with this to this day. I’m constantly worried if they change behavior or worry if I’ve embarrassing them. I get into my head thinking maybe I think we’re more serious than we actually are. I end up questioning if they even like me, despite what they actually say. It really messed up.
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Being r*ped by her Silent treatment Knowing if my boundaries will be respected rather than trampled on Always being hypervigilant about other people's moods, emotions & tone of voice and microscopic changes to them (from childhood through my twenties - still do so today)
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Trust
The one that gets me at least weekly, even though it’s been years… and this is an odd one… using toilet paper. My ex never had Kleenex around the house and I am a cryer. Happy, sad, angry… I cry. Well, one night we get into a pretty nasty fight. I’m bawling, my nose is running and there’s no Kleenex. So I used toilet paper. This man screamed at me for using toilet paper to blow my nose. I brought my own tissues after that.
the ptsd, mostly
I’n the beginning of relationships I’m constantly afraid I’m being used for sex, then they’re going to leave once they get bored of me. It happened to me twice in a row and it’s hard to let go of.
Why I can relate to 90% of these responses 😩
Relying on my partner. Ex was wildly impulsive and wanted everyone to like him. I could not count on him for anything from paying the bills on time to going out together. No matter what we were doing it was as if I had no permanence in his mind. Now I'm married to a man who can sometimes be forgetful but makes genuine effort to consider me every day and it's amazing. Sometimes he has to remind me that I can share some responsibilities with him. He'll do things like set alarms or leave himself a big sticky note so he remembers to do things he's promised me he would do.
I almost never buy anything for myself after being guilt-tripped for years over every dime I spent.
The sex was very, very good and I can't help but miss it now, as my life circumstances are much more stable and different. I'm proud of myself for building a life with a wonderful person who isn't toxic and we made a great family together. But damn. Sex with my toxic ex was pretty hot.
I can relate to the silent treatment and mood monitoring hard! One tiny thing that still bothers me is the thumbs up emoji. Had an ex use that passive aggressively whenever he wants to mess with me and to this day I cannot see it as positive anymore. My good friend does it but to her it means she’s acknowledging/agreeing to my text and I just have to deal / learn to not see it negatively but it always sends me when I see it.
i struggle with believing that someone actually likes me/loves me. my ex's words and actions didn't match up and it just never felt like they really liked/loved me. and then after going on dates where i thought my date was being genuine, it just turned out they wanted to hook up only. so basically i have a hard time trusting
With my ex husband, it was the inability to feel protected and that he was a reliable teammate. I had to wear the pants. I couldn’t get him to do simple housework like help take the trashes out on trash night, or lock the doors before we went to sleep, that I got to the point of doing it before he got home from school or work and I started staying up way after he went to bed so I could make sure the doors are locked…. Fast forward to today, I take out the trash to help my fiancé who works over 60 hrs a week. And I love washing and cooking elaborate dishes and simple ones for him, because he provides the one thing I truly needed to feel comfortable and secure in my life after losing my father and brothers- he protects me.
That it’s okay to like things because I like them even if they don’t. That I am my own person and can go, do, say whatever I want and won’t be punished for it.
Holding my breath waiting for every man to respond to me by yelling or blaming
Easily telling my partner what I’d like to do or what I think about something without thinking first about consequences. I’d love to be able to openly say things without judgement. Which I can, but I still wrongly assume I’ll be judged before I say anything because that’s what used to happen. My current partner has always been non judgmental and very open about hearing what I’d like. I’m just still stuck in a mental rut that I’d like to keep climbing out of!