I got ostracized over some truly unjust, fucked up things. I cut contact because what little contact was left was torture.
I assumed my parents would never be part of my life again. It hurt, but I healed and made my own family.
Years later, and against all my expectations, my parents are back in my life and genuinely supportive with no sense of me owing them anything. I don't think this happens often in toxic families, and I would never tell someone who went NC that they should or have to reunite.
I hope you can find comfort in genuine connection with people who love you and like you and care about you.
same! i’ve been no contact with my parents almost a year but just recently (2 months ago) realized my brothers dislike the real me just as much as my parents do, so i stopped trying there too.
it’s fucking TOUGH. i don’t have friends, i don’t have family now, like what are you supposed to do? i do appreciate not being constantly shit on by them but it’s also shitty to know they operate as a “normal” family together, it’s just me they can’t tolerate 😂😅
I've always felt different from my family, and I keep much of my life hidden from them. I've had too many negative reactions from them over the years that I learned to hide myself away. It's a boundary for me that I doubt they know I even drew.
Estranged from all except my sister. It happened in 2020. Combination of their political bullshit, religious bullshit, their subtle but always present transphobia.
The event that finally pushed me over the edge happened in 2020. I lost someone who I loved with all my heart. I was deeply traumatized and my life was falling apart in every sense. Desperate and afraid, I called my parents and told them what had happened, hoping for some consolation but expecting *at* *least* some kindness. Not only did they offer no comfort, they completely ignored it. Literally moved on in the conversation as if I hadn't just told them my heart was broken and my life was bleeding out.
I was 30 when this happened, and I felt that 30 years of giving them chances to be decent or show me any love was enough. In fact, I haven't even shut the door forever. If they're going to be the kind of parents/family I need, I know what that will look like, and I would engage with it. But I haven't seen it and I expect it won't ever happen.
Complex grief is a bastard.
I’m estranged from my family, they just aren’t aware of it😅 I see them for a few days 1-2 times a year. And I’m constantly evaluating if I even want that
I’ve been no contact with my family for about ten years. I was always the outsider, always getting “teased” by the rest of the family. I was ill and diagnosed with a chronic illness, which was life changing. I did my best to deal and make plans for the future. My mother is a narcissist and she just lied to everyone about things I said/did, turned it into me neglecting my family. She played the victim and everyone believed her. Family, extended family, friends and acquaintances….they all ignored me and some even blocked me on social media. To this day, my mother still stalks me on social media.
For many people, your family is not your blood, it is who you decide to be your family. They are the people that will be there...not only in the good, fun, easy times, but also when times are difficult, & your life is going sideways.
Your real family will stay by your side no matter what. When you fall on hard times, look to see who runs in your door to help pick you up, & see who runs out the door, or flat-out ignores you. The ones who run in the door to keep you from falling down on your face...those people are your family.
Yes, since right before the pandemic took off. Started with a few people and ended up being the whole family. I couldn’t play the narrative they cast for me so I decided to write my own and go my own way. I’ve only now have been able to really work on myself and see myself for who I truly am. Leaving toxic relationships behind can be very healing.
It's coming up on a year that I went NC with my mum. It didn't have a lot to do with autism, the whole story and family dynamics are a mess and not worth getting in to. In short, initially I just thought I had to do it for my mental sanity and as a necessary step to recover from an ED. I won't lie, I expected and easier time and more of a dramatic change in my recovery. At the same time though, it makes sense. We may not talk but she still lives rent free in my head from time to time, telling me everything that I'm doing wrong.
That being said, my mental health has slightly improved, my ability to sleep and focus is slowly improving, I'm not ED recovered but I definitely have a better handle on things, less extreme behaviours and somewhat more balance now that I don't feel like I need to constantly apologise to her, "fix" myself for her sake, somehow make up for what I took away from her, or perform as the daughter she wanted me to be.
The most sudden and dramatic change was honestly a lot less masking. I'm way more comfortable not masking or not masking as much now. I also dropped a lot of gender conforming habits that I hadn't even realised I was doing almost as a reflex, because they were just what was expected growing up. Also some stuff I did not to disappoint or weird her out, or make her worry for my mental health. Any time she noticed something sloppy in my appearance or a bad hair day she tended to associate it to depression or a sign of poor mental health, which was very unhelpful.
The fact I don't need to interact with her also allowed me to pursue both the autism and adhd diagnosis which she - and my father - refused to accept and/or further investigate some 15 years ago, when I could have used some serious help and could have experienced less traumatic transitions into adolescence and adulthood.
I still talk to my father on a regular basis. He's way easier to deal with and not toxic at all. It's been even easier to talk to him without my mother in the picture, because she can occasionally manipulate people and turn them against each other to serve her own agenda. I'm very lucky that my brother has been incredibly supportive. He still talks to mum but he finally understood he had to be religious with boundaries and just never talk to her about me. Apparently, she still occasionally asks about me but mostly just wants reassurance that I'm alive and doing okay which he's allowed to briefly confirm.
I'm not happy that it has to be this way, I miss my kid (half) brother, who unfortunately will have to grow up without me and with her as a mum. He will never know the loving and playful woman she used to be. I hope and pray she doesn't fuck him up for life. She's generally better with sons so fingers crossed. I still hope one day we can reconcile but we'll both havr to be in very different mindsets in order to do so.
I had to remove myself from the family. They wanted to keep me IN the family so they could use me as the scapegoat, which left me no option but to cut everyone out to escape the emotional abuse.
Lots of child abuse and I talked about it. I did the unforgivable act by reporting it and getting therapy. Now I realize that the autism (late diagnosis) probably saved me from way worse abuse. I was like a parrot about abuse which meant I had to go and so did one of my parents (the only one that believed me).
It was very hard but it kinda set me up to deal with the revolving door of people that seem to leave relationships with people on the spectrum. I’m used to it at a core level that used to be a gaping wound and became a shiny scar.
Took a long time but it I would have ended up in a sanctioned mental health institution had I stayed anywhere near the unsanctioned mental institution of my family.
ran away at 17, finally cut contact except the occasional text a few years ago, never better. The initial grieving period was hard, but my life just blossomed after leaving behind my abusive family
I’m the oldest of my generation (at 26) and the only girl. Honestly, I mostly just have memories of how poorly they would talk about my appearance and now that I am an adult I don’t hear from them.
I get forgotten about constantly to the point I was told my grandfather had been diagnosed with cancer at thanksgiving at the table casually as a fact. Everyone only asks if I’m seeing anyone or about the last ex. The same grandparents who couldn’t meet up on my birthday 15 min out of their way to go camping, now try to guilt me by saying I should visit. I’ve given up because no matter what I do- they expect me to be seen and not heard.
**family violence
Kicked out at 19 by a physically and emotionally abusive self harming bipolar father and his 3rd wife who wanted her guest room back. Did not even meet his family till I was 15, they thought he was doing normal dad things, and they helped him stalk me when I accepted being disowned and never reached back out.
Mom was a bipolar self harming opioid addict, I was her caretaker as a child, she and dad divorced when I was 15 (I stopped him from strangling her fathers day as we got ready for church). He was higher functioning, better at seeming stable, got and go custody. She showed back up in my 20s, created a series of crises to try to make me give up college, job, husband to come lice with her as a maid and caretaker. She also stole my identity. When I asked her to stop, she stopped talking to me at 30.
Everyone is mostly passed on. No family.
Yea..... I went NC with my grandmother almost 3 years ago and I've now gone NC with my mother.
The NC with my mother is still very fresh. Her husband was my abuser and she never believed me when I lived at home so I moved out right after graduation. I tried to maintain a relationship for the sake of my younger sibling after I moved out but eventually refused to be around her husband and when that happened, I became the problem. I wasn't even diagnosed with autism yet but I was a terrible person breaking up a "peaceful and loving family." And "what kind of daughter are you to break up your mother's marriage, why would you cause her such pain?" Those people are anything but peaceful and loving.
Aunts, uncles, cousins, Grandparents just stopped any kind of contact. I assumed they stopped caring.
I have a younger sibling that I've been separated from because he lives with his father, my mother's husband. For my safety I won't have contact with that man but I'm missing the entire life of my younger sibling. It's been extremely depressing
Well done for standing up for yourself!
I think I masked heavily around my family and learned from a young age that who I am is 'unacceptable'. My memories from growing up are not good: my mum and my sister were critical, unkind, and often I felt like I was dominated or gaslit to do what they wanted. My father wasn't great, but he wasn't as 'pushy'. He died when I was a teenager.
>!I have a history of emotional neglect, and emotional and sexual abuse in romantic relationships, and I believe that besides being autistic and therefore just a little slow in understanding things sometimes, the fact that I never learned that I was allowed to have personal boundaries has been a big reason for that.!< (Trigger warning SA)
I moved abroad and they are constantly reaching out and I feel the weight of their disappointment because of the lack of contact. My elderly mum always communicates she wants to talk to me on the phone more, and my sister always tries to keep in touch as well. The thing is that I get very little from contact with them. No support, no understanding. I desperately want to be close with people and receive unconditional love, but it's never felt that way or safe coming from my family members.
I am desperately lonely at times, but contact with my family won't change that. So I completely understand why you'd rather make space for people who can love you the way you deserve. Fingers crossed for both of us.
I've never been close with my extended family because they live in Ontario and my parents moved to Alberta before having me and my brother so we'd only see them on summer holiday. I cut contact with my dad last year for many reasons, the major one being that he just never understood or accepted that I'm autistic and he would never respect my boundaries. I don't regret having no contact with 95% of my family at all.
I'm extremely close with my mom and my brother, he's basically my best friend which I'm very grateful for.
My mother has mental health issues that she refuses to get treated. I am not her therapist, I cannot handle her problems and mine. My father is the same plus he is very immature. If they were to seek treatment, I would consider a relationship with them.
My brothers are Trump supporting a$$holes and I'm not talking to people who refer to me as a "liberal B\*\*\*\*."
I haven’t spoken to my mother in a couple of years, sister in about a year now, and my father was the last one I spoke to a couple weeks ago just to finish sorting out some paperwork regarding my car title which I had to get him off after paying the car off. I just don’t really know how I’m feeling rn? I stopped caring about my mother a long time ago but am still trying to get over resentment. I tried connecting with my sister but she insists on defending that woman and I don’t need that in my life. She also was one of the first people I suggested the possibility of me being autistic to and she completely dismissed it (unlike all the people who actually know and care about me now) and continues to believe the narrative that we both had it equally hard and I was just a “problem child”. Definitely couldn’t be that my issues growing up were actively ignored and I was punished for every little thing and had to spend my entire youth growing up trying to be what everyone wanted me to be but it was impossible. I was never enough for anyone or on the other end I was too much. My father knew what she did to me and chose to ignore it. He let her abuse all of us but me especially and he just let it happen. I begged for divorce since elementary but it never happened and he is perfectly fine pretending she hasn’t don’t anything wrong and continues to be her little puppet. I want nothing to do with it.
My bf showed me what it’s like to have someone actually care and love me for who I am and that’s why I’m struggling to give a shit about people who clearly do not like me and would not accept the truth.
I stopped trying with my maternal aunts, uncle, and cousin in my late teens due to their alcohol and drug abuse. Alcohol is a major sensory trigger for me. I just couldn't deal with their toxic behaviour anymore. My mom has finally accepted it, but for years she kept giving me "updates" and finally she gave up after I'd shut her down immediately.
I'm my mid 20's my sister told me that she’s chosen alcohol over me and that I make her so uncomfortable she can’t be around me sober. I can’t be around her when she’s drinking. Losing my sister was incredibly difficult and I’ve never completely gotten over the pain of it, but I’ve let her go.
I’ve created my own family now. Life is so much better with your chosen family. My children are the best thing to ever happen to me (despite never wanting children). My husband is my best friend, he’s learning to accommodate me and our son (who is also autistic). We're growing as people together.
Toxic people are toxic people, even if they're genetically related. Just because they're related does not mean we have to put up with their toxicity. Don’t ever hold on to any guilt or whatever feelings you have for cutting those people out of your life.
My mom and I lost contact after I moved out of state and she emailed me a normal email, and then immediately emailed me a F U email full of all kinds of rage. Then she threatened suicide. So I called a welfare check on her and she never forgave me for it. We didn’t speak for 10 years and then she died. She had thought my brother was the good one but after she died, he wanted nothing to do with it so I paid for the funerary services and handled her effects and everything all by myself.
My father and I stopped talking because he kept being mean to me. I had a neighbor who threatened to hurt me and my father told me “well what do you expect?”
He said I was being too emotional about it and that if the guy was really a threat, the police would have already done something. I got scared one weekend the guy was unhinged, so I left for a resort. The threatening neighbor ended up assaulting a different neighbor in the elevator of our building and got kicked out before I got back from my weekend away. My father blamed me and said my reporting his threats to management contributed to the guy getting kicked out and he tried to make me feel guilty about it.
The apartment building ended up getting infested with cockroaches and my father still said I couldn’t move because he liked to visit a hotel near my apartment and if I moved, he wouldn’t have an excuse to go there anymore. I was an adult but he threatened to disinherit me. I was ill at the time and couldn’t afford anything in the city on my own. The roaches got so bad they were eating my eyelashes in my sleep and they would lay their eggs in the smoke detector and it kept going off when the eggs hatched, which has a very distinct smell. My cat and I were getting twitches from all the pesticides the management was spraying.
I decided to move out anyways but had to move two hours away in order to afford it. I still had to commute to work 2 hours though. While I was in the process of moving, that was when I got the news my mom had died.
My parents had been divorced a long time but my father and brother had gotten the news before me and didn’t tell me. I found out three weeks after she died, the funeral home tracked me down.
My father then sent me photos of HIS mom, which was weird. My father’s second wife who didn’t know my mom kept insisting that she should be the one to clean out her place and sort her effects. I said no.
About a week after I received the news, I had told a few relatives and family friends, which prompted my father and step mother to tell me I needed to get over it already and that I shouldn’t spend a penny on her funeral, that the state will pay for it and that she didn’t deserve any memorial or funerary service.
Since I was already disinherited for moving out, I ended up paying for her funeral anyway with what little money I had left after the move, and I never spoke to my father or step mother again.
I’m assuming they’re still alive, but when asked I simply tell people my parents are deceased.
They were severely abusive, the two members still alive. Both physically and emotionally hurt me and seemed to derive pleasure from hurting me. I truly think they were both sociopaths. My childhood was spent in hiding, literally, like in closets and cupboards, and I have lost a lot of memories from this time.
Life went sideways for me. People stopped interacting with me. In the mean time, I got diagnosed as an adult and grew more into myself and just marinated in my quirks which I don't think of as quirks. I look different (alopeica universalis), don't have a family (autoimmune issues), and don't dress/act like a respectable 40 something. And the less I conform, the more isolated I get. I would love to be in touch, but I can't go back to masking ever again.
Yes. For my family, the estrangement largely has to do with their propensity for violence and drug usage. My family is composed of hardcore drug users, which have legal records and/or manipulative tendencies.
I left the cult I was born into. They're all still in it. And they're frankly not good people, and nothing about my relationships with them was healthy. I cut of all contact a few years ago.
It sucks to feel like you're not even missed. I feel that too. I really hope you find your people, who really see you and want to be part of your life. It's really hard to form new connections like that when the ones you were supposed to be born into left you feeling empty and neglected. I wish you all the best. Hugs!
Yup. Growing up there was this facade of the "Happy family"; but as years passed by they've all shown to be very selfish, greedy, materialistic people. Any dream I have, they instantly shoot it down because only *I* can't have good jobs/a good husband/etc. \*rolls eyes\* They withdrew from me once my only decent family member passed away, and since then uncles and aunts have tried everything to turn me homeless and get my money. My cousins of my age hate me, for reasons unknown. They have more friends and better paying jobs than I do, but in their words, " i have it easy"? And all this hatred comes without them even knowing I'm autistic.
I ran away from home at 17, in the late 80s. Complete no contact since early 90s. Their loss.
I got ostracized over some truly unjust, fucked up things. I cut contact because what little contact was left was torture. I assumed my parents would never be part of my life again. It hurt, but I healed and made my own family. Years later, and against all my expectations, my parents are back in my life and genuinely supportive with no sense of me owing them anything. I don't think this happens often in toxic families, and I would never tell someone who went NC that they should or have to reunite. I hope you can find comfort in genuine connection with people who love you and like you and care about you.
Ditto. I had funerals for my family and painfully moved on. Two members (one a parent) came back and is very supportive now.
same! i’ve been no contact with my parents almost a year but just recently (2 months ago) realized my brothers dislike the real me just as much as my parents do, so i stopped trying there too. it’s fucking TOUGH. i don’t have friends, i don’t have family now, like what are you supposed to do? i do appreciate not being constantly shit on by them but it’s also shitty to know they operate as a “normal” family together, it’s just me they can’t tolerate 😂😅
"I don't have friends, I don't have family now, like what are you supposed to do?" I FEEL THIS IN MY SOUL
what’s sad is the only other option i haven’t tried at this point is giving up 😭
I think it's important for us to not give up! I think it shows the dept of our character.
I've always felt different from my family, and I keep much of my life hidden from them. I've had too many negative reactions from them over the years that I learned to hide myself away. It's a boundary for me that I doubt they know I even drew.
Estranged from all except my sister. It happened in 2020. Combination of their political bullshit, religious bullshit, their subtle but always present transphobia. The event that finally pushed me over the edge happened in 2020. I lost someone who I loved with all my heart. I was deeply traumatized and my life was falling apart in every sense. Desperate and afraid, I called my parents and told them what had happened, hoping for some consolation but expecting *at* *least* some kindness. Not only did they offer no comfort, they completely ignored it. Literally moved on in the conversation as if I hadn't just told them my heart was broken and my life was bleeding out. I was 30 when this happened, and I felt that 30 years of giving them chances to be decent or show me any love was enough. In fact, I haven't even shut the door forever. If they're going to be the kind of parents/family I need, I know what that will look like, and I would engage with it. But I haven't seen it and I expect it won't ever happen. Complex grief is a bastard.
Can relate so much to the politics and giving them one last chance to be supportive...it's really difficult...
I’m estranged from my family, they just aren’t aware of it😅 I see them for a few days 1-2 times a year. And I’m constantly evaluating if I even want that
I’ve been no contact with my family for about ten years. I was always the outsider, always getting “teased” by the rest of the family. I was ill and diagnosed with a chronic illness, which was life changing. I did my best to deal and make plans for the future. My mother is a narcissist and she just lied to everyone about things I said/did, turned it into me neglecting my family. She played the victim and everyone believed her. Family, extended family, friends and acquaintances….they all ignored me and some even blocked me on social media. To this day, my mother still stalks me on social media.
For many people, your family is not your blood, it is who you decide to be your family. They are the people that will be there...not only in the good, fun, easy times, but also when times are difficult, & your life is going sideways. Your real family will stay by your side no matter what. When you fall on hard times, look to see who runs in your door to help pick you up, & see who runs out the door, or flat-out ignores you. The ones who run in the door to keep you from falling down on your face...those people are your family.
Yes, since right before the pandemic took off. Started with a few people and ended up being the whole family. I couldn’t play the narrative they cast for me so I decided to write my own and go my own way. I’ve only now have been able to really work on myself and see myself for who I truly am. Leaving toxic relationships behind can be very healing.
Are u me 😂 this is exactly me down to the timeline
It's coming up on a year that I went NC with my mum. It didn't have a lot to do with autism, the whole story and family dynamics are a mess and not worth getting in to. In short, initially I just thought I had to do it for my mental sanity and as a necessary step to recover from an ED. I won't lie, I expected and easier time and more of a dramatic change in my recovery. At the same time though, it makes sense. We may not talk but she still lives rent free in my head from time to time, telling me everything that I'm doing wrong. That being said, my mental health has slightly improved, my ability to sleep and focus is slowly improving, I'm not ED recovered but I definitely have a better handle on things, less extreme behaviours and somewhat more balance now that I don't feel like I need to constantly apologise to her, "fix" myself for her sake, somehow make up for what I took away from her, or perform as the daughter she wanted me to be. The most sudden and dramatic change was honestly a lot less masking. I'm way more comfortable not masking or not masking as much now. I also dropped a lot of gender conforming habits that I hadn't even realised I was doing almost as a reflex, because they were just what was expected growing up. Also some stuff I did not to disappoint or weird her out, or make her worry for my mental health. Any time she noticed something sloppy in my appearance or a bad hair day she tended to associate it to depression or a sign of poor mental health, which was very unhelpful. The fact I don't need to interact with her also allowed me to pursue both the autism and adhd diagnosis which she - and my father - refused to accept and/or further investigate some 15 years ago, when I could have used some serious help and could have experienced less traumatic transitions into adolescence and adulthood. I still talk to my father on a regular basis. He's way easier to deal with and not toxic at all. It's been even easier to talk to him without my mother in the picture, because she can occasionally manipulate people and turn them against each other to serve her own agenda. I'm very lucky that my brother has been incredibly supportive. He still talks to mum but he finally understood he had to be religious with boundaries and just never talk to her about me. Apparently, she still occasionally asks about me but mostly just wants reassurance that I'm alive and doing okay which he's allowed to briefly confirm. I'm not happy that it has to be this way, I miss my kid (half) brother, who unfortunately will have to grow up without me and with her as a mum. He will never know the loving and playful woman she used to be. I hope and pray she doesn't fuck him up for life. She's generally better with sons so fingers crossed. I still hope one day we can reconcile but we'll both havr to be in very different mindsets in order to do so.
I had to remove myself from the family. They wanted to keep me IN the family so they could use me as the scapegoat, which left me no option but to cut everyone out to escape the emotional abuse.
I'm proud of you for escaping the emotional abuse!
Aw thank you 💜
Lots of child abuse and I talked about it. I did the unforgivable act by reporting it and getting therapy. Now I realize that the autism (late diagnosis) probably saved me from way worse abuse. I was like a parrot about abuse which meant I had to go and so did one of my parents (the only one that believed me). It was very hard but it kinda set me up to deal with the revolving door of people that seem to leave relationships with people on the spectrum. I’m used to it at a core level that used to be a gaping wound and became a shiny scar. Took a long time but it I would have ended up in a sanctioned mental health institution had I stayed anywhere near the unsanctioned mental institution of my family.
ran away at 17, finally cut contact except the occasional text a few years ago, never better. The initial grieving period was hard, but my life just blossomed after leaving behind my abusive family
I’m the oldest of my generation (at 26) and the only girl. Honestly, I mostly just have memories of how poorly they would talk about my appearance and now that I am an adult I don’t hear from them. I get forgotten about constantly to the point I was told my grandfather had been diagnosed with cancer at thanksgiving at the table casually as a fact. Everyone only asks if I’m seeing anyone or about the last ex. The same grandparents who couldn’t meet up on my birthday 15 min out of their way to go camping, now try to guilt me by saying I should visit. I’ve given up because no matter what I do- they expect me to be seen and not heard.
I got very close to being estranged, because of a stepparent. I’ve tried to maintain boundaries and she’s not as aggressively mean anymore.
**family violence Kicked out at 19 by a physically and emotionally abusive self harming bipolar father and his 3rd wife who wanted her guest room back. Did not even meet his family till I was 15, they thought he was doing normal dad things, and they helped him stalk me when I accepted being disowned and never reached back out. Mom was a bipolar self harming opioid addict, I was her caretaker as a child, she and dad divorced when I was 15 (I stopped him from strangling her fathers day as we got ready for church). He was higher functioning, better at seeming stable, got and go custody. She showed back up in my 20s, created a series of crises to try to make me give up college, job, husband to come lice with her as a maid and caretaker. She also stole my identity. When I asked her to stop, she stopped talking to me at 30. Everyone is mostly passed on. No family.
Yea..... I went NC with my grandmother almost 3 years ago and I've now gone NC with my mother. The NC with my mother is still very fresh. Her husband was my abuser and she never believed me when I lived at home so I moved out right after graduation. I tried to maintain a relationship for the sake of my younger sibling after I moved out but eventually refused to be around her husband and when that happened, I became the problem. I wasn't even diagnosed with autism yet but I was a terrible person breaking up a "peaceful and loving family." And "what kind of daughter are you to break up your mother's marriage, why would you cause her such pain?" Those people are anything but peaceful and loving. Aunts, uncles, cousins, Grandparents just stopped any kind of contact. I assumed they stopped caring. I have a younger sibling that I've been separated from because he lives with his father, my mother's husband. For my safety I won't have contact with that man but I'm missing the entire life of my younger sibling. It's been extremely depressing
They are Christians.
Well done for standing up for yourself! I think I masked heavily around my family and learned from a young age that who I am is 'unacceptable'. My memories from growing up are not good: my mum and my sister were critical, unkind, and often I felt like I was dominated or gaslit to do what they wanted. My father wasn't great, but he wasn't as 'pushy'. He died when I was a teenager. >!I have a history of emotional neglect, and emotional and sexual abuse in romantic relationships, and I believe that besides being autistic and therefore just a little slow in understanding things sometimes, the fact that I never learned that I was allowed to have personal boundaries has been a big reason for that.!< (Trigger warning SA) I moved abroad and they are constantly reaching out and I feel the weight of their disappointment because of the lack of contact. My elderly mum always communicates she wants to talk to me on the phone more, and my sister always tries to keep in touch as well. The thing is that I get very little from contact with them. No support, no understanding. I desperately want to be close with people and receive unconditional love, but it's never felt that way or safe coming from my family members. I am desperately lonely at times, but contact with my family won't change that. So I completely understand why you'd rather make space for people who can love you the way you deserve. Fingers crossed for both of us.
I've never been close with my extended family because they live in Ontario and my parents moved to Alberta before having me and my brother so we'd only see them on summer holiday. I cut contact with my dad last year for many reasons, the major one being that he just never understood or accepted that I'm autistic and he would never respect my boundaries. I don't regret having no contact with 95% of my family at all. I'm extremely close with my mom and my brother, he's basically my best friend which I'm very grateful for.
My mother has mental health issues that she refuses to get treated. I am not her therapist, I cannot handle her problems and mine. My father is the same plus he is very immature. If they were to seek treatment, I would consider a relationship with them. My brothers are Trump supporting a$$holes and I'm not talking to people who refer to me as a "liberal B\*\*\*\*."
I haven’t spoken to my mother in a couple of years, sister in about a year now, and my father was the last one I spoke to a couple weeks ago just to finish sorting out some paperwork regarding my car title which I had to get him off after paying the car off. I just don’t really know how I’m feeling rn? I stopped caring about my mother a long time ago but am still trying to get over resentment. I tried connecting with my sister but she insists on defending that woman and I don’t need that in my life. She also was one of the first people I suggested the possibility of me being autistic to and she completely dismissed it (unlike all the people who actually know and care about me now) and continues to believe the narrative that we both had it equally hard and I was just a “problem child”. Definitely couldn’t be that my issues growing up were actively ignored and I was punished for every little thing and had to spend my entire youth growing up trying to be what everyone wanted me to be but it was impossible. I was never enough for anyone or on the other end I was too much. My father knew what she did to me and chose to ignore it. He let her abuse all of us but me especially and he just let it happen. I begged for divorce since elementary but it never happened and he is perfectly fine pretending she hasn’t don’t anything wrong and continues to be her little puppet. I want nothing to do with it. My bf showed me what it’s like to have someone actually care and love me for who I am and that’s why I’m struggling to give a shit about people who clearly do not like me and would not accept the truth.
I stopped trying with my maternal aunts, uncle, and cousin in my late teens due to their alcohol and drug abuse. Alcohol is a major sensory trigger for me. I just couldn't deal with their toxic behaviour anymore. My mom has finally accepted it, but for years she kept giving me "updates" and finally she gave up after I'd shut her down immediately. I'm my mid 20's my sister told me that she’s chosen alcohol over me and that I make her so uncomfortable she can’t be around me sober. I can’t be around her when she’s drinking. Losing my sister was incredibly difficult and I’ve never completely gotten over the pain of it, but I’ve let her go. I’ve created my own family now. Life is so much better with your chosen family. My children are the best thing to ever happen to me (despite never wanting children). My husband is my best friend, he’s learning to accommodate me and our son (who is also autistic). We're growing as people together. Toxic people are toxic people, even if they're genetically related. Just because they're related does not mean we have to put up with their toxicity. Don’t ever hold on to any guilt or whatever feelings you have for cutting those people out of your life.
I mean, my dad kicked me out when I was 16 so that kind of set the groundwork for estrangement from the whole lot of them.
My mom and I lost contact after I moved out of state and she emailed me a normal email, and then immediately emailed me a F U email full of all kinds of rage. Then she threatened suicide. So I called a welfare check on her and she never forgave me for it. We didn’t speak for 10 years and then she died. She had thought my brother was the good one but after she died, he wanted nothing to do with it so I paid for the funerary services and handled her effects and everything all by myself. My father and I stopped talking because he kept being mean to me. I had a neighbor who threatened to hurt me and my father told me “well what do you expect?” He said I was being too emotional about it and that if the guy was really a threat, the police would have already done something. I got scared one weekend the guy was unhinged, so I left for a resort. The threatening neighbor ended up assaulting a different neighbor in the elevator of our building and got kicked out before I got back from my weekend away. My father blamed me and said my reporting his threats to management contributed to the guy getting kicked out and he tried to make me feel guilty about it. The apartment building ended up getting infested with cockroaches and my father still said I couldn’t move because he liked to visit a hotel near my apartment and if I moved, he wouldn’t have an excuse to go there anymore. I was an adult but he threatened to disinherit me. I was ill at the time and couldn’t afford anything in the city on my own. The roaches got so bad they were eating my eyelashes in my sleep and they would lay their eggs in the smoke detector and it kept going off when the eggs hatched, which has a very distinct smell. My cat and I were getting twitches from all the pesticides the management was spraying. I decided to move out anyways but had to move two hours away in order to afford it. I still had to commute to work 2 hours though. While I was in the process of moving, that was when I got the news my mom had died. My parents had been divorced a long time but my father and brother had gotten the news before me and didn’t tell me. I found out three weeks after she died, the funeral home tracked me down. My father then sent me photos of HIS mom, which was weird. My father’s second wife who didn’t know my mom kept insisting that she should be the one to clean out her place and sort her effects. I said no. About a week after I received the news, I had told a few relatives and family friends, which prompted my father and step mother to tell me I needed to get over it already and that I shouldn’t spend a penny on her funeral, that the state will pay for it and that she didn’t deserve any memorial or funerary service. Since I was already disinherited for moving out, I ended up paying for her funeral anyway with what little money I had left after the move, and I never spoke to my father or step mother again. I’m assuming they’re still alive, but when asked I simply tell people my parents are deceased.
They were severely abusive, the two members still alive. Both physically and emotionally hurt me and seemed to derive pleasure from hurting me. I truly think they were both sociopaths. My childhood was spent in hiding, literally, like in closets and cupboards, and I have lost a lot of memories from this time.
Life went sideways for me. People stopped interacting with me. In the mean time, I got diagnosed as an adult and grew more into myself and just marinated in my quirks which I don't think of as quirks. I look different (alopeica universalis), don't have a family (autoimmune issues), and don't dress/act like a respectable 40 something. And the less I conform, the more isolated I get. I would love to be in touch, but I can't go back to masking ever again.
I was closest with my grandparents, and they have died.
Yes. For my family, the estrangement largely has to do with their propensity for violence and drug usage. My family is composed of hardcore drug users, which have legal records and/or manipulative tendencies.
I left the cult I was born into. They're all still in it. And they're frankly not good people, and nothing about my relationships with them was healthy. I cut of all contact a few years ago. It sucks to feel like you're not even missed. I feel that too. I really hope you find your people, who really see you and want to be part of your life. It's really hard to form new connections like that when the ones you were supposed to be born into left you feeling empty and neglected. I wish you all the best. Hugs!
Yup. Growing up there was this facade of the "Happy family"; but as years passed by they've all shown to be very selfish, greedy, materialistic people. Any dream I have, they instantly shoot it down because only *I* can't have good jobs/a good husband/etc. \*rolls eyes\* They withdrew from me once my only decent family member passed away, and since then uncles and aunts have tried everything to turn me homeless and get my money. My cousins of my age hate me, for reasons unknown. They have more friends and better paying jobs than I do, but in their words, " i have it easy"? And all this hatred comes without them even knowing I'm autistic.