I’m really sorry you experienced that. That behavior is so bizarre to me. I don’t understand why people do that. Obviously they have to SEE you in real life at some point. You’re going to find out they don’t look like that.
I knew a 65 yr old lady who set up a dating profile with photos of herself from when she was a model at age 20! She was so excited that she was getting so many responses, I was thinking WTF. How could that possibly work out OK?
Being in my late 50s, I can kinda understand. If a guy had an old photo or two of himself in his Prime, along with current photos, I might get a fuller picture of his whole character. Not if it was misleading, though.
Could be an interesting job from earlier in his life.. military, firefighter (that’s a sexy af job) as long as it’s just one or two pictures and not the majority and it’s clear that’s not what you look like right now then it’s fine
Sure, but I guess I was more wondering how seeing what someone *looked like* “in their prime” gives you a fuller picture of their character than you could otherwise get. Other people mentioned it could show old hobbies or careers, which could also obviously come up without the photos, but is certainly an example of how old pictures could you give you more information than what they looked like, which was my confusion.
I volunteer with junior high and high school kids. On bus trips, sometimes I share old photos from school. It's fun to link the past to the present. We are a sum of our experiences. Laughing together at old hairstyles and fads and some of the places we used to love that have long-since closed is one way we build camaraderie.
Ah. Yes, I tend to go down side rails.
I did have a similar situation once, though. I did feel a little misled at the time. I also didn't know how to get out of it graciously.
Someone else's self-esteem issues are not really your concern. You don't have to go beyond the usual polite requirements. But that's easier said than done.
Be honest! Tell him that you appreciate the date but due to the conversation starting on the basis of a lie, there can be no future and that you wish him the best of luck.
Telling people not to lie is ... A bad thing?
I disagree. The same reason many autistic men are assholes. Nobody ever taught them to not be. How are people supposed to learn?
Sometimes these men can get really aggressive and then will try and stalk you or something afterwards. It’s happened to many of us and tbh it’s better to be safe than helping a man potentially change his behaviour.
I am pretty sure he knows lying is wrong. He's a grown man. He will have come across this idea before.
I think it's pretty universally recognised as wrong to use someone else's pictures on a dating profile.
True he probably knows it’s considered wrong but still has had no reason to abide by what’s right because doing what is considered just is not a priority. By telling him that there is a consequence (no second date bc he lied) he might learn why it’s important to change that behavior. Unfortunately most people don’t do things just cos it’s the right thing to do but I hope with time it becomes more prominent
I do understand what you are saying.
But, I don't think women should be expected to educate, badly behaved men. And, I don't think our time, or relationships with us should be a reward for good behaviour either. All of that is dehumanising.
And psychologicaly speaking. When, The behaviour changes in response to the reward, when the reward isn't there the behaviour changes back to whatever it was before. It doesn't change anything. It works for small children, as they learn how to navigate moral decision making. But, for adults, nah, they can't learn what's right and wrong from 'consequences', they need to learn to emotionally understand it. That's why rehabilitation in prisons takes many many years.
We don’t have to give a reason for rejection. But like OP said, even tho from the start of the date it was revealed he lied, she still basically had the whole date bc of delayed processing. And it’s inevitable that when she gives him the bye bye text he’s going to puzzled as to why because he’ll prob think “well why’d she stay if she saw from the beginning that I’m not from the photos” and although she doesn’t *owe* an explanation, in socializing we often justify our intentions in order to have a more successful interaction. Although what he did was wrong, watch the old show Catfished. It’s really insecure people who have been ostracized so long they only way they can find connection is by lying about their appearance. Sure, that is wrong, but as someone with autism who has been excluded for things I can’t control, I can understand the feeling. Lying is still wrong, but people do it every day so it’s a nice thing to do to give him the benefit of the doubt. Again, it’s not our responsibility as women, but it’s only if you feel safe and willing enough to share the reason for rejection. If after that he’s hostile, ghosting or whatever makes OP feel safe is still an option. It’s not necessarily about making it our responsibility to make men better for their next attempt/victim lol but more of a common social courtesy that is living by example. If I got rejected, I’d want to know why. I don’t have a *right* to know why, so if someone does me the courtesy of being honest so I don’t waste my time any further by thinking it’s something I can fix, I’ll be grateful for that.
I appreciate your sensitivity in this post.
That's something, I don't have anymore, when it comes to interacting with men, especially when dating.
I understand, how we justify our intentions very well. But, I deliberately choose to stop doing a few years ago. I also, stopped apologising for things that aren't my fault.
For a long time, when I was younger, people would pressure me into doing things a lot! And, then I would tie myself in knots, trying to apologise and explain why I couldn't. It was horrible.
Now, I don't apologise, I don't try to explain, I just say no, I can't or no I'm doing that.
It was a deliberate choice, to help me reinforce my own boundaries with people. So, they would stop manipulating me into things I'd rather not do.
It has worked very well, I'm aware that it might come off as cold, but now that I'm older, I prioritise my own comfort and safety in a way that I didn't before. And, it's all been very empowering and I am far happier.
For sure! Unfortunately we don’t always get a low level creep. Sometimes we are dealing with level 100 creeps haha and in those cases there usually isn’t time for courtesy when safety is at stake, I agree!
I also think that especially in our community here it’s okay and even preferred to put ourselves first since no one else ever did. We deserve it by now and we gotta treat ourselves as best as we can since we know at this point in life we ain’t getting help
Much love to ya!
I love this response! You're also very understanding (not permissive though) to the catfishers which is a take I've never read. This makes me interested in watching the show.
I do believe in social responsibility and wish we could all look out for each other in this way. I don't think it's owed to us, but I think everyone should have a sense of civic duty (that definitely has a cap). I think our sense of community would be better and less people would be 'left behind'. I also understand the feeling of "this group shouldn't be responsible for teaching their oppressors" but I do feel that's a solid part of progress, an oppressed group extending grace and patience to teach and inform WHERE THEY CAN AND WANT TO (again, not mandatory!)
Yo a ten-second text “I would’ve been into you if you hadn’t lied, but you did so I’m not interested :/. Good luck out there!” isn’t “educating people”. If you don’t wanna do it then by all means, don’t do it. For some of us it’s second nature to tell him he has consequences for his actions and we feel relief when we speak up for ourselves.
100% I agree with you, I think it's a common thing among ND women (also NT women, to be honest) to go through the kind of approach of trying to "explain" (instruct, teach) someone because it's how we best navigate the world (I think NT women would do it to be kind to soften the blow), but we fail to realize these men are NOT coming from the same POV, they're don't give a rat's ass about explanations or instructions to become better, and like you say it's actually dangerous to show them how to lie better for their next victim.
Whaw great more controversial comment - so true.
Sometimes people learn though the lengthy way of what creating pain in another is when they experience the same again & again & get old & tired of their ways I think, (aware of hearing of both partners being cheater’s cheating like it’s a competition), or a near life & death epiphany of discovering what life they have… That’s the hard way if that ever occurs, I imagine…
Therapy might help but overall it’s common people take things for granted until they loose something valuable. I read an article where a guy explained when he realised the damage he did , his partner crying… that’s when he realised he couldn’t do that again. He felt her tears & pain. Sounds like people switch off to feeling…
Culture & beliefs, mindset, attachment to ourselves & own feelings I think influence. If we live in a state of detachment no wonder people live a life like this… Often it’s avoiding the very thing we would love more than anything- intimacy & deeper experiences… Takes courage to form a closer bond & trust, especially if you struggle with all kinds of issues… Accepting yourself must be one of the hardest especially if you have split into different ways of coping with life & challenges rather than facing up to things head on & having healthier tools & support, habits to fall back on.
There are reasons for everything. Self esteem, negative thinking, self limiting beliefs, lack of emotional regulation, trauma, not having healthy coping strategies, is usually at the heart of a lot of things… self mastery - your mind, body, emotions, direction & influence especially when things get challenging. It helps the people & culture we surround ourselves with, having an awareness for the messages we absorb & the conditioning we have had. Many times it has held us back from discovering much more within ourselves & what we can begin to experience with others especially if we have not experienced these things before.
(I think I sent my response to the wrong person earlier 🤣 oops) you're brilliant! I love how you think. I love this idea of how we learn about morality, consequences vs. understanding
I agree, you can tell him kindly if you want to, but he needs to know in no uncertain terms that he can never do that again.
OP, I hope you're okay, that would have honestly scared me.
Thankfully, I am. It did really spook me at first, but I didn't really know how to get myself out of the situation. I was really fortunate that he was generally quite respectful and didn't try to touch me or get me to go back to his flat with him.
Counterpoint - a man who lied to get a date is probably not the kind of man who will take well to being called out on it. Just message “hey thanks for the date! I really didn’t feel like we clicked, but appreciated your time. Best of luck.” - and then block/unmatch. You don’t owe him an explanation, and you’re not going to be able to change his behavior, so don’t put yourself at risk.
You’re cutting off the relationship with the person immediately after. They have no second chance to manipulate you. This gets them away, and keeps you safe
Omg, I totally feel you on this whole not wanting to hurt someone's feelings, but this guy literally admitted to not using his real photos. It's not your job to think about his feelings right now.
I think it's not brutal enough for something that he did, why act like "it just didn't work out" it didn't work out cause he lied and he needs to know this.
Yessss I hate that women feel the need to “put men down gently” even when they were absolute bastards. That’s definitely an intimidation technique from men
I would say it was nice talking to him but since there is already dishonesty present, you are not interested in pursuing this further and that you wish him good luck in the future. After you send that, please block him. Just so he doesn’t try to lure you back to meeting him, gaslight you or try to make you feel bad for him.
You've got examples here of the standard polite responses. I, however, would veer towards a polite yet more informative & hopefully a teaching moment response so he can maybe think about it and hopefully course correct. But totally not your responsibility if you're not comfortable!!
"I had a really great time on the date and would've wanted to continue, however I've realized that the fact that you used false photos hasn't sat well with me and starts this connection off with a feeling of mistrust which I'm not comfortable with. It was great to meet you and I wish you all the best on your dating journey."
Edit: because if I got rejected I'd really want to know why. If I'm not given an answer then it will fester in my mind and I'll wonder on all the possibilities which will end up being a worse experience & maybe put me off dating for a bit. Compared to hearing a reason, even if it's hard to hear, feels like the ruminating can only be about what I choose to do about it next, whether I'm secure enough to correct the behavior they offered me.
I second this response- it’s direct and to the point. You aren’t responsible for making him feel comfortable after he did a cruddy unsafe thing. He made you feel uncomfortable- don’t set yourself on fire to keep him warm.
I don't know why I didn't even think about how it is unsafe. You're totally right. That is a behavior that predators, traffickers, manipulators, and cheaters do.
Oof yeah, an even bigger red flag for me after that *duh* moment.
Do not be hard on yourself! I don’t always think about those things either. I joke that I am going to end up being a true crime podcast because I’m too trusting and don’t process things in the moment🤦🏻♀️
I see your point actually. However it'd be setting other women up to be bated for the catfish. So if he's an genuine guy with major self esteem issues, he needs to change his photos to meet a good match. If he's a creepo, then yes teaching could be giving him information and what works & doesn't. But I mainly think about all the other women who would also get into the same situation and they might not have good boundaries or awareness to cut ties.
Going to a public date and immediately knowing the guy is a creep, is better than getting into a relationship and then finding out. Getting catfished and getting out early is well better than having your life destroyed.
I get what you mean, some of this advice feels super naive
Like he’s the type of guy to catfish…
I had a guy do that to me and then he was soooo pushy. He also ate my food. I’m glad he catfished me bc it made me realize he was off and I shouldn’t date him at all
You might be like “what about the other stuff” idk how to explain it but if he wasn’t a catfish and did the other stuff I might be able to explain it away
That’s why I’m like…why would you help him? Do y’all hate women
He's used faked pictures, to lure you into meeting him. That's really creepy. It doesn't matter how nice he seems. That's really awful behaviour and you could have been at real risk there. You do not owe him any explanation. Its a lot safer to just block and delete him.
He's obviously trying to manipulate people, and you are giving him more ammo to manipulate you with if you text him.
Please don't tell this creep, what's put you off. It's putting other women at risk. Don't correct mens poor behaviour, other women need to see those red flags. When you tell him why you're not falling for it, you're telling him how to be a better predator.
The only thing you should be doing is reporting his profile. That's really scary stuff he's doing.
I love this reply. I really struggle to identify manipulation, I didn't even see his behaviour as that. I took his word and saw it as his self esteem is low so he did a shortsighted thing of catfishing to try get around this. But this rationale makes me sympathetic to a person who was manipulative. So I wanna understand your thought process : how exactly are you able to see this is manipulation when you the man, by his account it's just low self esteem? Or can both be true, can his intention have been to help himself get ahead but the means and effect were manipulative?
It can be both things.
He has been manipulative, the reason might be because he has low self esteem. But, the reason it doesn't change the initial manipulation.
To me, being manipulative means, being misleading in order to effect other people's behaviour and/or change people's feeling about you.
It's like an emotional sleight of hand. It's a trick someone plays.
I would say there's actually 2 acts of manipulation here. The initial trick of the photos. Then, being emotionally manipulative by saying it's because his self esteem. He is trying to changes ops feelings about him and what he has done.
>He is trying to changes ops feelings about him and what he has done.
Ok. And how can you know what he is or isn't trying to do here? By his account he is just being forthcoming about why he catfished, but by your assessment he is trying to affect her feelings about his action. So I get that you're saying regardless of the above, the outcome manipulation and so impact matters over intent here. That part is clear to me. The part that isn't clear is how are you sure your guess about his intentions is true? (Mind you as I type I think I'm understanding that it doesn't matter if our guess is true, and we can never truly know without asking the guy, what matters is how we are impacted and how we respond...)
It doesn't matter what's going on in his head. The action is manipulative.
Can we be absolutely 100 percent sure, that his sole purpose, isnt just to tell the truth? because he believes it to be honourable and just to do so? No we can't. But, it would require him having thoughts and feelings, that's he's never shown any of sign before. And, would be quite a turn around in behaviour and attitude, in such a short space of time. It would be very rare and very unusual, there's probably an argument that it's impossible.
Is it likely, that a man who has used stolen photographs, to misrepresent himself, to a woman who he is romantically interested in, is attempting to influence her feeling towards him. Yes, it is likely.
This man is not safe. It is foolish to try and justify his actions. The benefit of the doubt goes to my own safety, and the safety of other women, not to men who have already proved they are unsafe and capable of quite extravagant manipulation and misrepresentation.
Thanks! Follow ups
1. When do you apply benefit of the doubt to others? Can you frame this actively rather than passively ("I give benefit of the doubt when they're not manipulative") as that will help me understand you
2. Do you place more value on people's actions or their words?
1, I think this may be a local linguistic thing, that's why it's not obvious what I mean. I will try to explain further.
There are many situations we come across where knowing the absolute truth is impossible. There is a doubt. Often, we have to make a decision about a situation, where we have incomplete information. When people can benefit from a decision, that is made from incomplete information, they have the benefit of the doubt. If we are analysing a situation, where we have incomplete information, we can choose to lean our decisions to one side or another. The side we choose to favour, can be said to be given the benefit of the doubt.
In this case, I don't believe there is a reasonable doubt. However, I expanded my point to include the thought, that even if I did believe there was a reasonable doubt. I would lean my support towards the support of women and their safety, as I view that as more important than the feelings of the catfish.
2, Actions always. It's not even close. I can sometimes trust that people's actions will be congruent with their words, but their actions are still the part of the upmost importance
Re linguistics: You explained perfectly every single time, I feel I understood you entirely. I just wanted to now understand your ethos separate from this dating scenario, because I like it.
Thank you for taking the time to write so much, I appreciate it! And feel I have learned some useful thought processes from you that I'll be integrating. Thanks again!!
Thank you.
I appreciate your thoughtful questions, they've made me think about it again in greater detail, and that's been really good to do.
Am very glad to hear it's made you think about things a little differently, that's an incredible compliment.
Appreciate you ✊
never heard of delayed processing, it looks like my entire life, when I see, I am in a relashionship to someone I dont even like! This is an autistic thing? And I just block the person and unmatch because I dont like confrontation
Yeah I think it's not so much about his appearance as it is about LYING about his appearance. If that is how he opens how can you trust him about more important things?
I am so annoyed at his response. He’s made out that you didn’t like him cus you’re shallow. Idk what you said but I wish it involved “I would have wanted a second date but lying and hiding who you are is a red flag to me.
Honestly when I was dating I never really rejected anyone. Either we made plans for a second date or we didn’t. It’s not ghosting if neither of you reach out again. So don’t feel obligated to reach out. You can wait to see if he reaches out first and only then give him a brief “no thanks.”
" Hey, I don't feel comfortable with he fact that you decided to take steps of not using your real pictures, honesty is crucial for me, good luck have a nice day" idk i'm pretty blunt and idgaf about someone's feelings if they lie about something like this it's weird and immature they need to grow a pair just my opinion.
There are a few ways you can reject a second date.
One is not text him back when he texts you.
Or if he hasn’t contacted you and you told him you would be in touch, don’t contact him.
Block him.
Say you had a nice time but didn’t feel a spark. No need to reply to him again if he messages you.
I wouldn’t be too honest about it as sometimes men can get aggressive. He knows what he’s doing is wrong. But he still thinks he can get away with it.
If I go out with someone and I flat out just don't want to see them again and it seems like they might want to see me again, I send them a polite text telling them that it doesn't seem like we are a great match from my perspective and wish them all the best. I did, however, have a similar situation to you one time. I thought the guy looked a little different in person, but then when I went back and looked at his photos after the date, I realized he had used filters on them, so I think they were his photos, but morphed to look quite different from how he looked in real life. Before I realized this, while we were still on the date, I made a comment about women using filters online to make themselves look better and how I didn't understand that. I remember that he was quiet and didn't have much to say at that point and after the date I understood why. I didn't call him out on his dishonesty because he actually did change his photos after our date and although I hung out with him one more time after that, it was definitely clear that we were not a match, so I told him we could be friends, which didn't end up working out either. Best of luck to you in dating and finding a great match!
I don’t understand why when a man shows a red flag in dating, women want to help him hide it 😭 like he’s a liar and he knows catfishing is wrong, why would you want to help him
Like I wonder how many women helped the abusive men I ended up with by doing this. That’s why I don’t give them any advice. A man’s right to a relationship does not supersede a woman’s wellbeing
Also, being polite isn't really my first concern, when there's dangerous advice being given to someone in a situation like this. My only real concern is that person is safe. So there's that too. Your advice is dangerous. So 🤷🏻♀️
I don't care what you think about my tone.
I think it's a bit odd, your concern with it, tbh, it's usually only misogynistic men that have problems women being outspoken.
I get it, i have delayed processing of social situations and it makes you desire a time machine and makes you feel disingenuous because you’ve since done a 180. i think it’s hard to explain we are neurologically wired to hate lying and we are processing 42% more information at rest. People have so many little lies in their profiles, it crazy. But what he did was bigger than that… i’m sure it violates the dating app TOS? I would just say “I can’t do a second date because I felt you were misleading with your photos and it impacted my perception of you. I wish you well.” Definitely don’t say anything kind or to motivate him on his dating journey or he will try to get you sucked in and performing emotional labor. He’s a dick who bypassed rules and the rule-breaking is probably also something subconsciously bothering you? You have the option to report and/or block him. I’m sorry you experienced this!
Can’t lie, that’s the behavior of a dangerous man. I’m glad your intuition is buzzing! Sorry for the bad date and I’d text him the honest reason as to why you won’t be having another. Last time I didn’t want a second date I said “ it was fun but I’d like to leave it there, let it be a one time thing”. I have to stop making excuses for people who gave me the ick
“Hey - it was great meeting you but I think it’s not a match for me. Good luck in your future dating.”
If they press further block them.
I strongly prefer a solid “no” to ghosting but no real explanation is needed other than that.
I don’t think you need to explicitly reject him unless he asks you for a second date or clearly expects one - most of the time when I’ve been on a first date with someone we’ve just not asked each other for a second, so it hasn’t happened, which I think is fairly standard dating practice even amongst NTs.
The nicest no-second-date rejection I’ve ever had personally came after I asked her (I’m gay) if she wanted to go out again and she basically said something along the lines of “I had a really good laugh with you but I have to admit I got more of a friend vibe from you than anything romantic, it’s absolutely nothing personal because you seem like a really great person!” It was nothing flowery but it was enough that I didn’t feel hurt or sad at all. In this case you might want to mention that the photo issue was the turn-off but if you want to go for a friendly-but-final route I think that’s totally understandable as well. You don’t actually need to explain things in depth at this stage, a pleasant but firm “thanks but no thanks” on your part should be enough.
I agree with the comments saying there is no reason to worry about his feelings if he lied to you. Assuming he doesn’t have any way of coming after you, you are free to give an honest answer and then unmatch. (Or just unmatch.) He is responsible for handling his own insecurities. However if he has any way of finding you, then go the safer route: lie to him. Say you’re getting back together with an ex, or you have a sick family member and can’t focus on dating right now. Make something up.
About verification. Some people may not have social media or they aren’t comfortable giving it out, so another way to verify is to either do a video call, or have them take a picture holding up three fingers. (Because if they are catfishing, it’s often easy to find photos with one or two fingers up, but not three.)
Yessss. Lie to him but don’t tell him the truth like a lot of comments are suggesting.
He knows catfishing is wrong and off putting, everyone knows that. Theres a whole freaking tv show about it
And no offense to everyone here but most women would just block, the only women that would take the time to explain are naive
I’m just saying, anytime I tried to explain to a man an obviously wrong behavior was wrong all it did was
-let him know I’m easily manipulated
-know exactly what to manipulate me about
Esp since I like you have delayed processing and that’s what makes the manipulation so easy
Like seriously yall, even if this man was autistic, he would know using pictures that don’t look like you in wrong. Most men rely on women being overly polite to get away with doing stuff to us
had a somewhat similar experience with a guy but his photos were in weird angles that didn’t show his face really well. we had a date but i felt absolutely nothing and couldn’t stop thinking how much he talked like my brother irl. he was completely different over text compared to in person. he also had major family problems and when i voiced wanting to get my own apartment/move, he immediately was like, “we should move in together!! and my sister can move in with us as well!!” we only knew each other for like a week or two and we hadn’t met in person.
“I had a great time with you on our date, and thought it was a pity you hadn’t used your own photos on your profile since that would have made you even more attractive to me. Unfortunately that discrepancy is a deception to me and that doesn’t align with my values, so I won’t be available for another date.”
Also, seriously?!? People of all genders do this, and it makes zero sense. It’s not like their date isn’t going to notice when they turn up… there’s no way to frame it that doesn’t end up firmly in the “intentionally misleading” category, and that is never a good place to start. I’ve had it happen before too and, like you, my first thought has always been “how can I be kind and considerate of their emotional wellbeing” but reading it here from someone else I’m almost angry on your behalf instead. Someone intentionally lied to you, manipulated you for a specific outcome (an irl date), maybe the “kindest” thing to do would be to communicate exactly how NOT okay this is so that he won’t do it any more.
"Hey. I had a nice evening with you. However, i cant help but find it weird you used completly different pictures of someone else when there clearly was no reason to.
I feel this could mean you would rather be someone else than the you i got to meet, and i wouldnt want that.
So i decided there won't be a second time, so you can find someone who is willing to support you in this.
Thank you again for the time and much success in the future!"
Yea, I understand wanting to be polite and protect his feelings, but he catfished you, and that means he doesn't care about your feelings or respect people enough to be honest. Just let him know there won't be another date, that catfishing is wrong, etc. I am sorry you went through this, and this guy doesn't deserve your kindness. Hope you have a better experience going forward 🫶
It's not your job to manage this man's insecurities. He tricked you into a date with fake pictures, this is called 'catfishing'.
I would say exactly that: Hey, thanks for the date. You seem like a nice person, but I really don't like that you used fake pictures on your profile and basically lied to me before we even met. That's not a good start. I would recommend using real photos of yourself in the future. It was nice to meet you though, and thanks again for coffee.
Online dating is dangerous.
Some things to consider:
* Meeting out in front of a location - this way you can see who you are going to meet with before leaving your car. Your story reminded me of the time I did this but was able to keep on driving as I saw someone waiting for me who was NOT who I was talking to
* It is okay to ghost -> block -> report as these are all safety measures you never owe a response to anyone especially if they are already being disingenuous with you
* It's also okay to abruptly leave if you feel you must say something then say you are going to bathroom, then just leave out the back any staff at an establishment will help you with this if you can't find the rear exit simply explain the situation if prompted they will understand
* Of course always drive yourself. If you cannot drive please have a friend drive you who can also be your emergency leave option
* Trust your gut; if you feel threatened or in danger or even as mild as just uneasy - act on it. Do not think about anyone else it is only your safety that matters
He responded with *that??* Making it sound like he is taking the higher moral ground to cover up for the fact he lied to you? My goodness, you dodged a bullet there! What a weirdo....
IMO. U don’t have to even be polite, he used faked pictures and manipulated you. Respect is gone.
I’d say nothing. Ghost.
But I’m also kinda the person to stay on the date because I’m wary of my safety
Depending on where you live, it could be considered identity theft to use someone else's likeness as your own. If they don't take any money, then there's nothing to prosecute, but I wonder if he knows if what he's doing could be illegal. You usually don't see this from someone who actually intends on meeting up soon after talking. Just weird.
On one hand I think it would be good to let him know starting off with lies puts him on the back foot and he's perfectly interesting and nice looking to use his real photos. On the other hand, I'm just like if you can be so confidently deceptive with no shame, what else can you do?! So the first message is looking out for him, but really you need to look out for you! End it in a brief copacetic way and blocka blocka blocka. He doesn't seem stable to me
I had a standard answer/comment (unless reason for not): “thank you for the date but I feel we are not compatible as people, I wish you well on your search“
That went always right, except one clingy guy but he lived far away so easily ghosted (lived on the other side of the world)
Obviously lots have changed since I have a partner but I hope this still works
Ooof at his response. It was his lying that was the turnoff, not his looks, and he couldn’t grasp that even though you made it very clear.
Edit: It just dawned on me that he may have been using someone else’s photos so he didn’t get caught cheating.
his reply to you is messed up!! he's essentially calling you superficial. it seems like he wants a cute/shy/vulnerable vibe, but he is being exploitative and manipulative, as well as predatory towards autistic traits.
yes, report and block!! REPORT AND BLOCK. I LIIIIIIIVE
If you did want to provide some kind of feedback in your message you could say something like ‘I enjoyed getting to know you the other day but transparently, I cannot look past the pictures on the app. I wish you the best of luck as you continue dating’
Has he asked you on a second date? If yes, just say "I'm kind of busy with work/life right now, I'll text you when I have free time"
If he hasn't asked you yet, then just carry on with your own life without texting him again.
Sorry I don't think telling people you're busy and that you still want to hang out with them is the right move if you actually don't. What if you run into them and they want to be friendly? Then you have to continue to make up some string of BS about how busy you are.
I would just wait for them to ask for another date and just be like "No thanks. The difference between your irl appearance and your pictures is pretty big and I'm looking for someone who's a bit further along in their self acceptance journey. I wish you well with it."
Fair enough, but OP wanted to let them down gently without making them feel worse about themselves.
If OP couldn't say it during the date itself, there's no point in saying it now.
It is not OPs job to ensure this dishonest person shouldn't feel worse about themselves. Let him feel bad; he created the situation by lying- people with a conscience feel bad when they mislead others. Let him process those feelings. All the friendly sounding suggestions are grating.
I like the suggestions that don't include any politeness or niceness (which is also dishonest). Or maybe people want to be nice because it makes us feel better about ourselves.
OP owed this man nothing more after the date. He made her uncomfortable, and yet so many people are still on board with the idea of wanting to be nice and not hurt his feelings. His self-esteem is his problem! I'm glad you got out of it, OP. That's the most important thing. Good for you for recognizing the red flag.
I get it about the slow processing, and I'm glad you asked for support.
Yes, it is a good thing to listen to people's requests. There's also our conditioning to be kind to people who aren't kind to us. I hope OP will reflect on that, but it's up to her to make that choice.
Not yet, but it is something he brought up whilst on our date (before it had fully kicked in that I had been catfished), so I said that I wanted to - which I now realise was probably a very dumb thing to do
I’m really sorry you experienced that. That behavior is so bizarre to me. I don’t understand why people do that. Obviously they have to SEE you in real life at some point. You’re going to find out they don’t look like that.
I knew a 65 yr old lady who set up a dating profile with photos of herself from when she was a model at age 20! She was so excited that she was getting so many responses, I was thinking WTF. How could that possibly work out OK?
That’s really…weird. And also sad.
Being in my late 50s, I can kinda understand. If a guy had an old photo or two of himself in his Prime, along with current photos, I might get a fuller picture of his whole character. Not if it was misleading, though.
How much information about his character can you get from knowing what he looked like previously in his life, though?
Could be an interesting job from earlier in his life.. military, firefighter (that’s a sexy af job) as long as it’s just one or two pictures and not the majority and it’s clear that’s not what you look like right now then it’s fine
The person I was 40 years ago is very much a part of who I am now.
Sure, but I guess I was more wondering how seeing what someone *looked like* “in their prime” gives you a fuller picture of their character than you could otherwise get. Other people mentioned it could show old hobbies or careers, which could also obviously come up without the photos, but is certainly an example of how old pictures could you give you more information than what they looked like, which was my confusion.
I volunteer with junior high and high school kids. On bus trips, sometimes I share old photos from school. It's fun to link the past to the present. We are a sum of our experiences. Laughing together at old hairstyles and fads and some of the places we used to love that have long-since closed is one way we build camaraderie.
I feel like you are responding to something other than what I’m saying/asking. That’s fine, but I don’t really know how to engage.
Ah. Yes, I tend to go down side rails. I did have a similar situation once, though. I did feel a little misled at the time. I also didn't know how to get out of it graciously. Someone else's self-esteem issues are not really your concern. You don't have to go beyond the usual polite requirements. But that's easier said than done.
Am I correct in thinking you aren’t really talking to *me* anymore?
Bad life habits start to affect your looks by the time we are in our fifties for sure.
Be honest! Tell him that you appreciate the date but due to the conversation starting on the basis of a lie, there can be no future and that you wish him the best of luck.
I agree with this. People need to know lying is not acceptable. I would also want to know why instead of a generic answer and have to wonder.
Exactly
But…he knows lmao. There’s no way he doesn’t know people aren’t ok with catfishing lmao Don’t waste your times explaining
He knows its not acceptable. We shouldn't teach creepy men how to be more effective at being creeps.
Telling people not to lie is ... A bad thing? I disagree. The same reason many autistic men are assholes. Nobody ever taught them to not be. How are people supposed to learn?
Sometimes these men can get really aggressive and then will try and stalk you or something afterwards. It’s happened to many of us and tbh it’s better to be safe than helping a man potentially change his behaviour.
I am pretty sure he knows lying is wrong. He's a grown man. He will have come across this idea before. I think it's pretty universally recognised as wrong to use someone else's pictures on a dating profile.
True he probably knows it’s considered wrong but still has had no reason to abide by what’s right because doing what is considered just is not a priority. By telling him that there is a consequence (no second date bc he lied) he might learn why it’s important to change that behavior. Unfortunately most people don’t do things just cos it’s the right thing to do but I hope with time it becomes more prominent
Y’all, he knows 😭 wasting her time explaining just leaves her open to his manipulation
I do understand what you are saying. But, I don't think women should be expected to educate, badly behaved men. And, I don't think our time, or relationships with us should be a reward for good behaviour either. All of that is dehumanising. And psychologicaly speaking. When, The behaviour changes in response to the reward, when the reward isn't there the behaviour changes back to whatever it was before. It doesn't change anything. It works for small children, as they learn how to navigate moral decision making. But, for adults, nah, they can't learn what's right and wrong from 'consequences', they need to learn to emotionally understand it. That's why rehabilitation in prisons takes many many years.
We don’t have to give a reason for rejection. But like OP said, even tho from the start of the date it was revealed he lied, she still basically had the whole date bc of delayed processing. And it’s inevitable that when she gives him the bye bye text he’s going to puzzled as to why because he’ll prob think “well why’d she stay if she saw from the beginning that I’m not from the photos” and although she doesn’t *owe* an explanation, in socializing we often justify our intentions in order to have a more successful interaction. Although what he did was wrong, watch the old show Catfished. It’s really insecure people who have been ostracized so long they only way they can find connection is by lying about their appearance. Sure, that is wrong, but as someone with autism who has been excluded for things I can’t control, I can understand the feeling. Lying is still wrong, but people do it every day so it’s a nice thing to do to give him the benefit of the doubt. Again, it’s not our responsibility as women, but it’s only if you feel safe and willing enough to share the reason for rejection. If after that he’s hostile, ghosting or whatever makes OP feel safe is still an option. It’s not necessarily about making it our responsibility to make men better for their next attempt/victim lol but more of a common social courtesy that is living by example. If I got rejected, I’d want to know why. I don’t have a *right* to know why, so if someone does me the courtesy of being honest so I don’t waste my time any further by thinking it’s something I can fix, I’ll be grateful for that.
I appreciate your sensitivity in this post. That's something, I don't have anymore, when it comes to interacting with men, especially when dating. I understand, how we justify our intentions very well. But, I deliberately choose to stop doing a few years ago. I also, stopped apologising for things that aren't my fault. For a long time, when I was younger, people would pressure me into doing things a lot! And, then I would tie myself in knots, trying to apologise and explain why I couldn't. It was horrible. Now, I don't apologise, I don't try to explain, I just say no, I can't or no I'm doing that. It was a deliberate choice, to help me reinforce my own boundaries with people. So, they would stop manipulating me into things I'd rather not do. It has worked very well, I'm aware that it might come off as cold, but now that I'm older, I prioritise my own comfort and safety in a way that I didn't before. And, it's all been very empowering and I am far happier.
For sure! Unfortunately we don’t always get a low level creep. Sometimes we are dealing with level 100 creeps haha and in those cases there usually isn’t time for courtesy when safety is at stake, I agree! I also think that especially in our community here it’s okay and even preferred to put ourselves first since no one else ever did. We deserve it by now and we gotta treat ourselves as best as we can since we know at this point in life we ain’t getting help Much love to ya!
I love this response! You're also very understanding (not permissive though) to the catfishers which is a take I've never read. This makes me interested in watching the show. I do believe in social responsibility and wish we could all look out for each other in this way. I don't think it's owed to us, but I think everyone should have a sense of civic duty (that definitely has a cap). I think our sense of community would be better and less people would be 'left behind'. I also understand the feeling of "this group shouldn't be responsible for teaching their oppressors" but I do feel that's a solid part of progress, an oppressed group extending grace and patience to teach and inform WHERE THEY CAN AND WANT TO (again, not mandatory!)
Yo a ten-second text “I would’ve been into you if you hadn’t lied, but you did so I’m not interested :/. Good luck out there!” isn’t “educating people”. If you don’t wanna do it then by all means, don’t do it. For some of us it’s second nature to tell him he has consequences for his actions and we feel relief when we speak up for ourselves.
100% I agree with you, I think it's a common thing among ND women (also NT women, to be honest) to go through the kind of approach of trying to "explain" (instruct, teach) someone because it's how we best navigate the world (I think NT women would do it to be kind to soften the blow), but we fail to realize these men are NOT coming from the same POV, they're don't give a rat's ass about explanations or instructions to become better, and like you say it's actually dangerous to show them how to lie better for their next victim.
Whaw great more controversial comment - so true. Sometimes people learn though the lengthy way of what creating pain in another is when they experience the same again & again & get old & tired of their ways I think, (aware of hearing of both partners being cheater’s cheating like it’s a competition), or a near life & death epiphany of discovering what life they have… That’s the hard way if that ever occurs, I imagine… Therapy might help but overall it’s common people take things for granted until they loose something valuable. I read an article where a guy explained when he realised the damage he did , his partner crying… that’s when he realised he couldn’t do that again. He felt her tears & pain. Sounds like people switch off to feeling… Culture & beliefs, mindset, attachment to ourselves & own feelings I think influence. If we live in a state of detachment no wonder people live a life like this… Often it’s avoiding the very thing we would love more than anything- intimacy & deeper experiences… Takes courage to form a closer bond & trust, especially if you struggle with all kinds of issues… Accepting yourself must be one of the hardest especially if you have split into different ways of coping with life & challenges rather than facing up to things head on & having healthier tools & support, habits to fall back on. There are reasons for everything. Self esteem, negative thinking, self limiting beliefs, lack of emotional regulation, trauma, not having healthy coping strategies, is usually at the heart of a lot of things… self mastery - your mind, body, emotions, direction & influence especially when things get challenging. It helps the people & culture we surround ourselves with, having an awareness for the messages we absorb & the conditioning we have had. Many times it has held us back from discovering much more within ourselves & what we can begin to experience with others especially if we have not experienced these things before.
(I think I sent my response to the wrong person earlier 🤣 oops) you're brilliant! I love how you think. I love this idea of how we learn about morality, consequences vs. understanding
That’s not why people are assholes 😭
I agree, you can tell him kindly if you want to, but he needs to know in no uncertain terms that he can never do that again. OP, I hope you're okay, that would have honestly scared me.
Thankfully, I am. It did really spook me at first, but I didn't really know how to get myself out of the situation. I was really fortunate that he was generally quite respectful and didn't try to touch me or get me to go back to his flat with him.
Counterpoint - a man who lied to get a date is probably not the kind of man who will take well to being called out on it. Just message “hey thanks for the date! I really didn’t feel like we clicked, but appreciated your time. Best of luck.” - and then block/unmatch. You don’t owe him an explanation, and you’re not going to be able to change his behavior, so don’t put yourself at risk.
I think it’s bad advice bc you’re telling someone who you know is a liar how to manipulate you further if he wants to
You’re cutting off the relationship with the person immediately after. They have no second chance to manipulate you. This gets them away, and keeps you safe
Omg, I totally feel you on this whole not wanting to hurt someone's feelings, but this guy literally admitted to not using his real photos. It's not your job to think about his feelings right now.
It was nice meeting you, but I don’t think it’s a good fit. Best of luck in your dating adventures!
I think it's not brutal enough for something that he did, why act like "it just didn't work out" it didn't work out cause he lied and he needs to know this.
Yessss I hate that women feel the need to “put men down gently” even when they were absolute bastards. That’s definitely an intimidation technique from men
I'm sure he'll think she is a b*tch cause ' omg i am shy low self esteem' like ok but why should a woman be catfished just because you have issues.
I think that’s a great way to put it.
Yes, this is perfect.
oooo - nearly identical to mine lol!
If you are able to- report him on the dating app. That’s usually against the rules on dating apps.
I would say it was nice talking to him but since there is already dishonesty present, you are not interested in pursuing this further and that you wish him good luck in the future. After you send that, please block him. Just so he doesn’t try to lure you back to meeting him, gaslight you or try to make you feel bad for him.
"Hey, I think you were a really cool person but I can't get past the fact that you used fake photos. Hope you find someone."
You've got examples here of the standard polite responses. I, however, would veer towards a polite yet more informative & hopefully a teaching moment response so he can maybe think about it and hopefully course correct. But totally not your responsibility if you're not comfortable!! "I had a really great time on the date and would've wanted to continue, however I've realized that the fact that you used false photos hasn't sat well with me and starts this connection off with a feeling of mistrust which I'm not comfortable with. It was great to meet you and I wish you all the best on your dating journey." Edit: because if I got rejected I'd really want to know why. If I'm not given an answer then it will fester in my mind and I'll wonder on all the possibilities which will end up being a worse experience & maybe put me off dating for a bit. Compared to hearing a reason, even if it's hard to hear, feels like the ruminating can only be about what I choose to do about it next, whether I'm secure enough to correct the behavior they offered me.
I second this response- it’s direct and to the point. You aren’t responsible for making him feel comfortable after he did a cruddy unsafe thing. He made you feel uncomfortable- don’t set yourself on fire to keep him warm.
I don't know why I didn't even think about how it is unsafe. You're totally right. That is a behavior that predators, traffickers, manipulators, and cheaters do. Oof yeah, an even bigger red flag for me after that *duh* moment.
Do not be hard on yourself! I don’t always think about those things either. I joke that I am going to end up being a true crime podcast because I’m too trusting and don’t process things in the moment🤦🏻♀️
This is the best answer. Straight to the point and honest, with no opening for the other side to keep trying, and also a lesson he may find useful.
Teaching him is an awful idea. Other women need to see those red flags. Teaching creeps how to be better creeps is not a good idea!
I see your point actually. However it'd be setting other women up to be bated for the catfish. So if he's an genuine guy with major self esteem issues, he needs to change his photos to meet a good match. If he's a creepo, then yes teaching could be giving him information and what works & doesn't. But I mainly think about all the other women who would also get into the same situation and they might not have good boundaries or awareness to cut ties.
Going to a public date and immediately knowing the guy is a creep, is better than getting into a relationship and then finding out. Getting catfished and getting out early is well better than having your life destroyed.
I get what you mean, some of this advice feels super naive Like he’s the type of guy to catfish… I had a guy do that to me and then he was soooo pushy. He also ate my food. I’m glad he catfished me bc it made me realize he was off and I shouldn’t date him at all You might be like “what about the other stuff” idk how to explain it but if he wasn’t a catfish and did the other stuff I might be able to explain it away That’s why I’m like…why would you help him? Do y’all hate women
He's used faked pictures, to lure you into meeting him. That's really creepy. It doesn't matter how nice he seems. That's really awful behaviour and you could have been at real risk there. You do not owe him any explanation. Its a lot safer to just block and delete him. He's obviously trying to manipulate people, and you are giving him more ammo to manipulate you with if you text him. Please don't tell this creep, what's put you off. It's putting other women at risk. Don't correct mens poor behaviour, other women need to see those red flags. When you tell him why you're not falling for it, you're telling him how to be a better predator. The only thing you should be doing is reporting his profile. That's really scary stuff he's doing.
yes, reporting and blocking is what I’d do too. he is violating the terms of service.
I love this reply. I really struggle to identify manipulation, I didn't even see his behaviour as that. I took his word and saw it as his self esteem is low so he did a shortsighted thing of catfishing to try get around this. But this rationale makes me sympathetic to a person who was manipulative. So I wanna understand your thought process : how exactly are you able to see this is manipulation when you the man, by his account it's just low self esteem? Or can both be true, can his intention have been to help himself get ahead but the means and effect were manipulative?
It can be both things. He has been manipulative, the reason might be because he has low self esteem. But, the reason it doesn't change the initial manipulation. To me, being manipulative means, being misleading in order to effect other people's behaviour and/or change people's feeling about you. It's like an emotional sleight of hand. It's a trick someone plays. I would say there's actually 2 acts of manipulation here. The initial trick of the photos. Then, being emotionally manipulative by saying it's because his self esteem. He is trying to changes ops feelings about him and what he has done.
>He is trying to changes ops feelings about him and what he has done. Ok. And how can you know what he is or isn't trying to do here? By his account he is just being forthcoming about why he catfished, but by your assessment he is trying to affect her feelings about his action. So I get that you're saying regardless of the above, the outcome manipulation and so impact matters over intent here. That part is clear to me. The part that isn't clear is how are you sure your guess about his intentions is true? (Mind you as I type I think I'm understanding that it doesn't matter if our guess is true, and we can never truly know without asking the guy, what matters is how we are impacted and how we respond...)
It doesn't matter what's going on in his head. The action is manipulative. Can we be absolutely 100 percent sure, that his sole purpose, isnt just to tell the truth? because he believes it to be honourable and just to do so? No we can't. But, it would require him having thoughts and feelings, that's he's never shown any of sign before. And, would be quite a turn around in behaviour and attitude, in such a short space of time. It would be very rare and very unusual, there's probably an argument that it's impossible. Is it likely, that a man who has used stolen photographs, to misrepresent himself, to a woman who he is romantically interested in, is attempting to influence her feeling towards him. Yes, it is likely. This man is not safe. It is foolish to try and justify his actions. The benefit of the doubt goes to my own safety, and the safety of other women, not to men who have already proved they are unsafe and capable of quite extravagant manipulation and misrepresentation.
Thanks! Follow ups 1. When do you apply benefit of the doubt to others? Can you frame this actively rather than passively ("I give benefit of the doubt when they're not manipulative") as that will help me understand you 2. Do you place more value on people's actions or their words?
1, I think this may be a local linguistic thing, that's why it's not obvious what I mean. I will try to explain further. There are many situations we come across where knowing the absolute truth is impossible. There is a doubt. Often, we have to make a decision about a situation, where we have incomplete information. When people can benefit from a decision, that is made from incomplete information, they have the benefit of the doubt. If we are analysing a situation, where we have incomplete information, we can choose to lean our decisions to one side or another. The side we choose to favour, can be said to be given the benefit of the doubt. In this case, I don't believe there is a reasonable doubt. However, I expanded my point to include the thought, that even if I did believe there was a reasonable doubt. I would lean my support towards the support of women and their safety, as I view that as more important than the feelings of the catfish. 2, Actions always. It's not even close. I can sometimes trust that people's actions will be congruent with their words, but their actions are still the part of the upmost importance
Re linguistics: You explained perfectly every single time, I feel I understood you entirely. I just wanted to now understand your ethos separate from this dating scenario, because I like it. Thank you for taking the time to write so much, I appreciate it! And feel I have learned some useful thought processes from you that I'll be integrating. Thanks again!!
Thank you. I appreciate your thoughtful questions, they've made me think about it again in greater detail, and that's been really good to do. Am very glad to hear it's made you think about things a little differently, that's an incredible compliment. Appreciate you ✊
"I enjoyed our coffee date but honestly I found the fake picture thing really off-putting. All the best for the future"
never heard of delayed processing, it looks like my entire life, when I see, I am in a relashionship to someone I dont even like! This is an autistic thing? And I just block the person and unmatch because I dont like confrontation
Yes delayed processing can be an autistic trait.
Is it!? Whaw learning new things Thank you for the insight. That’s really enlightening!
Fuck his self-esteem, he’s a creepy catfish
Yeah block him
Yeah I think it's not so much about his appearance as it is about LYING about his appearance. If that is how he opens how can you trust him about more important things?
Yeah! That's exactly how I feel. I really struggle to trust people so it really bothered me that he'd be able to lie so easily about how he looks
I am so annoyed at his response. He’s made out that you didn’t like him cus you’re shallow. Idk what you said but I wish it involved “I would have wanted a second date but lying and hiding who you are is a red flag to me.
That is essentially along the lines of what I said haha, but yeah I realise that his response was another major red flag
My god doesn’t that just make his response that much worse! I’m really glad you dodged that bullet
Honestly when I was dating I never really rejected anyone. Either we made plans for a second date or we didn’t. It’s not ghosting if neither of you reach out again. So don’t feel obligated to reach out. You can wait to see if he reaches out first and only then give him a brief “no thanks.”
" Hey, I don't feel comfortable with he fact that you decided to take steps of not using your real pictures, honesty is crucial for me, good luck have a nice day" idk i'm pretty blunt and idgaf about someone's feelings if they lie about something like this it's weird and immature they need to grow a pair just my opinion.
Tell him you actually sent a body double of yourself, so you expected him to do so as well. Just kidding. It would be fine to just ghost him honestly.
There are a few ways you can reject a second date. One is not text him back when he texts you. Or if he hasn’t contacted you and you told him you would be in touch, don’t contact him. Block him. Say you had a nice time but didn’t feel a spark. No need to reply to him again if he messages you. I wouldn’t be too honest about it as sometimes men can get aggressive. He knows what he’s doing is wrong. But he still thinks he can get away with it.
If I go out with someone and I flat out just don't want to see them again and it seems like they might want to see me again, I send them a polite text telling them that it doesn't seem like we are a great match from my perspective and wish them all the best. I did, however, have a similar situation to you one time. I thought the guy looked a little different in person, but then when I went back and looked at his photos after the date, I realized he had used filters on them, so I think they were his photos, but morphed to look quite different from how he looked in real life. Before I realized this, while we were still on the date, I made a comment about women using filters online to make themselves look better and how I didn't understand that. I remember that he was quiet and didn't have much to say at that point and after the date I understood why. I didn't call him out on his dishonesty because he actually did change his photos after our date and although I hung out with him one more time after that, it was definitely clear that we were not a match, so I told him we could be friends, which didn't end up working out either. Best of luck to you in dating and finding a great match!
I don’t. I stop contact, which is not very nice. But if I “let them down gently” it’s too dangerous. I’ve tried it before. Never again.
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I don’t understand why when a man shows a red flag in dating, women want to help him hide it 😭 like he’s a liar and he knows catfishing is wrong, why would you want to help him Like I wonder how many women helped the abusive men I ended up with by doing this. That’s why I don’t give them any advice. A man’s right to a relationship does not supersede a woman’s wellbeing
He might change his ways? I think dangerous thinking after one date where he showed he was a creepy catfish.
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Why would we want him to do that? What's the benefit? He might be more successful at dating? Is that good for the world?
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I have problems with my tone. I am autistic.
Also, being polite isn't really my first concern, when there's dangerous advice being given to someone in a situation like this. My only real concern is that person is safe. So there's that too. Your advice is dangerous. So 🤷🏻♀️
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I don't care what you think about my tone. I think it's a bit odd, your concern with it, tbh, it's usually only misogynistic men that have problems women being outspoken.
I get it, i have delayed processing of social situations and it makes you desire a time machine and makes you feel disingenuous because you’ve since done a 180. i think it’s hard to explain we are neurologically wired to hate lying and we are processing 42% more information at rest. People have so many little lies in their profiles, it crazy. But what he did was bigger than that… i’m sure it violates the dating app TOS? I would just say “I can’t do a second date because I felt you were misleading with your photos and it impacted my perception of you. I wish you well.” Definitely don’t say anything kind or to motivate him on his dating journey or he will try to get you sucked in and performing emotional labor. He’s a dick who bypassed rules and the rule-breaking is probably also something subconsciously bothering you? You have the option to report and/or block him. I’m sorry you experienced this!
Can’t lie, that’s the behavior of a dangerous man. I’m glad your intuition is buzzing! Sorry for the bad date and I’d text him the honest reason as to why you won’t be having another. Last time I didn’t want a second date I said “ it was fun but I’d like to leave it there, let it be a one time thing”. I have to stop making excuses for people who gave me the ick
“Hey - it was great meeting you but I think it’s not a match for me. Good luck in your future dating.” If they press further block them. I strongly prefer a solid “no” to ghosting but no real explanation is needed other than that.
I don’t think you need to explicitly reject him unless he asks you for a second date or clearly expects one - most of the time when I’ve been on a first date with someone we’ve just not asked each other for a second, so it hasn’t happened, which I think is fairly standard dating practice even amongst NTs. The nicest no-second-date rejection I’ve ever had personally came after I asked her (I’m gay) if she wanted to go out again and she basically said something along the lines of “I had a really good laugh with you but I have to admit I got more of a friend vibe from you than anything romantic, it’s absolutely nothing personal because you seem like a really great person!” It was nothing flowery but it was enough that I didn’t feel hurt or sad at all. In this case you might want to mention that the photo issue was the turn-off but if you want to go for a friendly-but-final route I think that’s totally understandable as well. You don’t actually need to explain things in depth at this stage, a pleasant but firm “thanks but no thanks” on your part should be enough.
I agree with the comments saying there is no reason to worry about his feelings if he lied to you. Assuming he doesn’t have any way of coming after you, you are free to give an honest answer and then unmatch. (Or just unmatch.) He is responsible for handling his own insecurities. However if he has any way of finding you, then go the safer route: lie to him. Say you’re getting back together with an ex, or you have a sick family member and can’t focus on dating right now. Make something up. About verification. Some people may not have social media or they aren’t comfortable giving it out, so another way to verify is to either do a video call, or have them take a picture holding up three fingers. (Because if they are catfishing, it’s often easy to find photos with one or two fingers up, but not three.)
Tysm for this advice
Yessss. Lie to him but don’t tell him the truth like a lot of comments are suggesting. He knows catfishing is wrong and off putting, everyone knows that. Theres a whole freaking tv show about it And no offense to everyone here but most women would just block, the only women that would take the time to explain are naive I’m just saying, anytime I tried to explain to a man an obviously wrong behavior was wrong all it did was -let him know I’m easily manipulated -know exactly what to manipulate me about Esp since I like you have delayed processing and that’s what makes the manipulation so easy Like seriously yall, even if this man was autistic, he would know using pictures that don’t look like you in wrong. Most men rely on women being overly polite to get away with doing stuff to us
had a somewhat similar experience with a guy but his photos were in weird angles that didn’t show his face really well. we had a date but i felt absolutely nothing and couldn’t stop thinking how much he talked like my brother irl. he was completely different over text compared to in person. he also had major family problems and when i voiced wanting to get my own apartment/move, he immediately was like, “we should move in together!! and my sister can move in with us as well!!” we only knew each other for like a week or two and we hadn’t met in person.
“Hey, I had a very nice date. I’m sorry to say that I can’t look past the fake pictures. I wish you the best going forward”
“I had a great time with you on our date, and thought it was a pity you hadn’t used your own photos on your profile since that would have made you even more attractive to me. Unfortunately that discrepancy is a deception to me and that doesn’t align with my values, so I won’t be available for another date.”
Also, seriously?!? People of all genders do this, and it makes zero sense. It’s not like their date isn’t going to notice when they turn up… there’s no way to frame it that doesn’t end up firmly in the “intentionally misleading” category, and that is never a good place to start. I’ve had it happen before too and, like you, my first thought has always been “how can I be kind and considerate of their emotional wellbeing” but reading it here from someone else I’m almost angry on your behalf instead. Someone intentionally lied to you, manipulated you for a specific outcome (an irl date), maybe the “kindest” thing to do would be to communicate exactly how NOT okay this is so that he won’t do it any more.
"Hey. I had a nice evening with you. However, i cant help but find it weird you used completly different pictures of someone else when there clearly was no reason to. I feel this could mean you would rather be someone else than the you i got to meet, and i wouldnt want that. So i decided there won't be a second time, so you can find someone who is willing to support you in this. Thank you again for the time and much success in the future!"
Yea, I understand wanting to be polite and protect his feelings, but he catfished you, and that means he doesn't care about your feelings or respect people enough to be honest. Just let him know there won't be another date, that catfishing is wrong, etc. I am sorry you went through this, and this guy doesn't deserve your kindness. Hope you have a better experience going forward 🫶
It's not your job to manage this man's insecurities. He tricked you into a date with fake pictures, this is called 'catfishing'. I would say exactly that: Hey, thanks for the date. You seem like a nice person, but I really don't like that you used fake pictures on your profile and basically lied to me before we even met. That's not a good start. I would recommend using real photos of yourself in the future. It was nice to meet you though, and thanks again for coffee.
Online dating is dangerous. Some things to consider: * Meeting out in front of a location - this way you can see who you are going to meet with before leaving your car. Your story reminded me of the time I did this but was able to keep on driving as I saw someone waiting for me who was NOT who I was talking to * It is okay to ghost -> block -> report as these are all safety measures you never owe a response to anyone especially if they are already being disingenuous with you * It's also okay to abruptly leave if you feel you must say something then say you are going to bathroom, then just leave out the back any staff at an establishment will help you with this if you can't find the rear exit simply explain the situation if prompted they will understand * Of course always drive yourself. If you cannot drive please have a friend drive you who can also be your emergency leave option * Trust your gut; if you feel threatened or in danger or even as mild as just uneasy - act on it. Do not think about anyone else it is only your safety that matters
He responded with *that??* Making it sound like he is taking the higher moral ground to cover up for the fact he lied to you? My goodness, you dodged a bullet there! What a weirdo....
Y'know I didn't even think to read it like that but you're absolutely right!!
IMO. U don’t have to even be polite, he used faked pictures and manipulated you. Respect is gone. I’d say nothing. Ghost. But I’m also kinda the person to stay on the date because I’m wary of my safety
I'm proud of you for setting the boundary with this guy, because he catfished you and that's SO wrong! (and sketchy!)
Depending on where you live, it could be considered identity theft to use someone else's likeness as your own. If they don't take any money, then there's nothing to prosecute, but I wonder if he knows if what he's doing could be illegal. You usually don't see this from someone who actually intends on meeting up soon after talking. Just weird.
On one hand I think it would be good to let him know starting off with lies puts him on the back foot and he's perfectly interesting and nice looking to use his real photos. On the other hand, I'm just like if you can be so confidently deceptive with no shame, what else can you do?! So the first message is looking out for him, but really you need to look out for you! End it in a brief copacetic way and blocka blocka blocka. He doesn't seem stable to me
I had a standard answer/comment (unless reason for not): “thank you for the date but I feel we are not compatible as people, I wish you well on your search“ That went always right, except one clingy guy but he lived far away so easily ghosted (lived on the other side of the world) Obviously lots have changed since I have a partner but I hope this still works
Ooof at his response. It was his lying that was the turnoff, not his looks, and he couldn’t grasp that even though you made it very clear. Edit: It just dawned on me that he may have been using someone else’s photos so he didn’t get caught cheating.
his reply to you is messed up!! he's essentially calling you superficial. it seems like he wants a cute/shy/vulnerable vibe, but he is being exploitative and manipulative, as well as predatory towards autistic traits. yes, report and block!! REPORT AND BLOCK. I LIIIIIIIVE 
If you did want to provide some kind of feedback in your message you could say something like ‘I enjoyed getting to know you the other day but transparently, I cannot look past the pictures on the app. I wish you the best of luck as you continue dating’
Has he asked you on a second date? If yes, just say "I'm kind of busy with work/life right now, I'll text you when I have free time" If he hasn't asked you yet, then just carry on with your own life without texting him again.
Sorry I don't think telling people you're busy and that you still want to hang out with them is the right move if you actually don't. What if you run into them and they want to be friendly? Then you have to continue to make up some string of BS about how busy you are. I would just wait for them to ask for another date and just be like "No thanks. The difference between your irl appearance and your pictures is pretty big and I'm looking for someone who's a bit further along in their self acceptance journey. I wish you well with it."
Fair enough, but OP wanted to let them down gently without making them feel worse about themselves. If OP couldn't say it during the date itself, there's no point in saying it now.
It is not OPs job to ensure this dishonest person shouldn't feel worse about themselves. Let him feel bad; he created the situation by lying- people with a conscience feel bad when they mislead others. Let him process those feelings. All the friendly sounding suggestions are grating. I like the suggestions that don't include any politeness or niceness (which is also dishonest). Or maybe people want to be nice because it makes us feel better about ourselves. OP owed this man nothing more after the date. He made her uncomfortable, and yet so many people are still on board with the idea of wanting to be nice and not hurt his feelings. His self-esteem is his problem! I'm glad you got out of it, OP. That's the most important thing. Good for you for recognizing the red flag. I get it about the slow processing, and I'm glad you asked for support.
"....which won't negatively affect his self-esteem?...." This is what OP requested, so I answered accordingly.
Yes, it is a good thing to listen to people's requests. There's also our conditioning to be kind to people who aren't kind to us. I hope OP will reflect on that, but it's up to her to make that choice.
I suppose yeah we all aren't cut out for giving honest feedback and you aren't obligated to give it to people you went on 2 dates with either.
Has he asked you on a second date?
Not yet, but it is something he brought up whilst on our date (before it had fully kicked in that I had been catfished), so I said that I wanted to - which I now realise was probably a very dumb thing to do
Girl it’s fine, he lied to you, you lied to him for safety Likes he’s the type of dude to catfish, do we really wanna reject him in person?
Truth!
Ah don’t shame yourself!
You don't need to be polite to someone that lied to you. Just block him.
I would say. "I would have gone on a second date with you if you had used your real photos."
IMHO, as someone who's failed at both ends of the dating game, you should tell hin how using fake pictures is a huge red flag.