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The bride isn't racist, it just doesn't fit her wedding aesthetic.
"What theme are you going for here, like, early winter? Monochrome chic?"
"I was more going for racist with hints of bigotry."
My BFF. Totally printer paper white. She and her husband adopted 2 of the most precious baby boys who are technically mixed, but the black gene is strong. It's hilarious to see her, all of about 5'3" standing next to these boys who have just rocketed up to 6 foot tall DOORS. In spite of all the time spent at soccer and football games over the years, she's still printer paper white. 🤣🤣🤣🤣
I'm mixed but my skin got all the Irish and not a hint of melanin. My mom and brother can be in the sun for hours and end up 5 shades darker. I stand in the sun for 5 minutes and I'm lobster red. When sunlight hits my bare legs the glare hurts my eyes 😭
Sad life of strong Irish genes. The sun is not our friend. We were made to soak up as much sun as possible as fast as possible bc our ancestors lived in a rainy, cloudy wetland.
My sister does better than me and I don’t think she quite understood how fast I turn into a lobster. We went to San Diego beaches and I put on the sunscreen made for kids. 2 hours later I was begging my sister to go but she insisted we stay. I was a full blown lobster. 🦞🥵
Omg I feel you so much! I'm one of 5 and the oldest and youngest have the most beautiful skin that the sun kisses oh so kindly, they just get more striking since they have blue eyes and their hair turns into this gorgeous rainbow of colours.
Then us in the middle just think of enjoying a nice day and end up lobster red.
Lol… that’s how you know you’re Irish! Lol.
My family background is part Irish - I absolutely got the Irish gene of red hair and no ability whatsoever to deflect sunlight! Lol.
I know I was born with some freckles, but I’m certain that some have been acquired through life. Lol.
Yup. It's like when someone starts a post with "our marriage is perfect but..." You just know they're about to describe a marriage that is anything but perfect, and quite possibly abusive.
Or if it wasn't, it wouldn't show up on BORU. If it is "our relationship is really good but we like different brands of orange juice" and someone in the comments says "buy two different bottles of orange juice" and then you get an update saying "we bought two bottles of orange juice and everything is fine now", it doesn't make it to BORU.
Honestly, every so often one of those should, just as a bait and switch joke. And as some lighthearted brain bleach since most of the posts here are sad at the beginning and/or the end.
We very rarely get posts like “I want to ask my stepdad to adopt me.” … “He said yes!”
The one by the woman who hurt her husband's feelings by being blunt about his first attempt at stand up comedy was kind of like this. No malice, no crazy people, no big disaster, just some hurt feelings and both parties resolving the issue and moving on like adults.
There's one where the title is something like, " finally after all these years, my father will finally get what he deserves". It seems like a revenge story but it's a super cute one about a really good dad getting a laptop
The closest friends I'm not related to are some white dudes, and I have never felt the least bit of need to clarify that they are not racist.
I figure once you need to, you're already across the bridge.
I honestly think it’s possible the MoH genuinely didn’t realise her friend was being racist until it got much worse.
The story started with dress shopping and choosing a dress that was pale grey enough to look white on a dark skinned BM, and the bride didn’t listen to the warning that pale grey would look white against her skin.
If she had turned out to not be such a giant pile of racist trash, she would have seen the dress once it was on her BM and said ‘wow, I see what you mean, it really does look white against your dark skin. I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you, but never mind now. All of you bridesmaids look gorgeous, so let’s go out there and get me married!’
If the story had gone in that direction, the bride really would not be guilty of anything other than ignoring advice, which doesn’t have to be a drama unless you choose to make it one. No racism at all.
But you have to understand, the CoLOr ScEMe. It Ruins everything this little Trailer-Princess dreamed about (is this for Real? Dreaming about Weddings and how it should look like as a child??)
It's at least a big enough myth about girlhood that, as a pretty small kid, I used to wonder if there was something wrong with me for not being interested in imagining my wedding.
As a child I liked the idea of a big, gorgeous gown. But even then, I never conflated marriage with a big party and a dress. I think many of these “dreaming of it my whole life” people are totally unprepared for a marriage. They want a $75k party, not a celebration of finding the person they want to partner with forever.
For me it was the veil. I loved to make a veil out of my ponchos. I actually wore a hat to my wedding. :)
The idea that the aesthetic of the wedding is more important than gathering with the people you love ought to put more people off before they get to the altar, IMO. I mean, if your partner thinks their attendants are mere props what’s the chance they don’t see you that way at times?
My mom will still occasionally say something about the tackiness of a cousin's wedding (which she didn't even attend, but has seen pictures and heard stories of). No one was harmed by being surrounded by Pepto Bismol-pink balloons and flowers for an hour. The couple's still happily married and has two healthy kids; I count that as a win.
I fully agree. At my showers and the wedding, my MIL and a few of her friends jokingly (kind of) asked why I chose such beautiful women to stand up with me. I responded with a) I’m not exactly struggling in the looks department and b) these are the women I love dearly. I don’t care if they look like supermodels or gremlins, they’re wonderful humans and they’re my people.
Yep that’s what I don’t get. Having people I care about there at my wedding was way more important than a color scheme or whatever. That’s the whole point of any kind of celebration!
I dreamt about the big gorgeous gown and walking down the aisle as a kid. Last year I got married at the registry office in shorts and a t-shirt because money was/is tight (can’t afford to spend £10k on a venue, especially when we can spend £130 without all the pomp) and my husband wasn’t bothered about a big wedding, for us the marriage is the important thing (and me taking his last name was important to me)
Thanks for this. Once when I was a little girl, I heard about "rainbow bridesmaids," meaning each bridesmaid wore a dress of a different color of the rainbow and thought that sounded cool. Then later I saw an old movie in which a bride wore a satin gown and thought that looked pretty. That was it. I didn't plan anything, just sort of figured I'd think about the details when I got there.
And I really don't like the whole "planning my wedding since I was 6" thing because it's the groom's wedding, too. Doesn't he get a say? It's almost like he's just an accessory.
Some people say they have a wedding vision from childhood... not weighing in on that lol.
But I know for a fact it was a HUGE issue in the Tumblr photo editing & gif making scene several years ago to quite literally whitewash actors/celebrities/performers of color in editing processes so they could fit a "pastel aesthetic" that was actually just... racist. Like your vision for roght now is this exact scene, but in pink, and with no Black people. Weirdo stuff!
That sounds very niche now, but I'm talking the 2010s & 20teens, it was HOPPING in terms of social media, and a lot of pop media gifs that exist & still circulate on the Internet now are from Tumblr, because they allowed larger image uploads & hosting when other sites did not. It was a WILD time & space for a lot of reasons, but the era of ghostly Photoshops makes me think some people DO go through life with weirdly Aryan ideal paper doll visions for what they think the world should look like, and are waiting for any little shred or modicum of power to enforce & push that onto others as "normal," even when the power is just "clicking a mouse," or "being a Bridezilla."
Wait that doesn’t make sense.
Maybe I’m just a confused man, but I think people with dark dark dark skin tones look better in pastels than pale pale pale people. The contrast is amazing.
Like that actress who was the main love interest in Black Panther. I remember she did something important in a light blue dress and I thought she looked absolutely stunning. I remember because my wife loved it a lot and I saw a shirt that colour in a shop shortly afterwards and bought it for her, but my wife had me return it and she educated me on how colours like that on people as pale as her can make them look ghostly.
I believe the trend involved using photoshopping to lighten the given skin tones to the actors involved to make _them_ "pastel". Not their clothing.
And Lupita Nyong'o looked amazing at The Oscars in a Cinderella blue dress, I agree.
Weird because dark skin is pretty versatile imho. Pastels, brights, white. Personally I find a nice contrast between skin color and fabric color is really pleasing to look at as opposed to being too close to the same color. And the belief that only pale is attractive is so sad.
I imagined weddings as a child, but I’m guessing it’s because I was brought up in a purity culture religion where we were all expected to get heterosexually married at very young ages. But if I were to get married now, there is absolutely no way I would be planning it based on my childhood daydreams. 12 year olds aren’t generally known for their decision making skills. 😂
I mean I had a vague idea of wanting to dye my hair (in general when I was an adult) crayola crayon red and wear a red wedding dress but that’s as far as I got and good thing too bc omg it was both too much $$ and just overwhelming so we opted to do a court house wedding. Best decision ever.
I want to say I was under 7 years old when that idea got into my head, maybe as young as 4 or 5 but I didn’t think much about it at all. I’m not even sure I even told anyone.
I mean to a certain extent; I would say less as a little kid and more around tween age it can be really fun to look at Pinterest visions of weddings or wedding dresses. Like I don't even have a significant other but I know I would want my wedding dress to have gold embroidery.
Me with my mother: “(Uncle) doesn’t have a racist bone in his body!”
Me: You yourself said “I hope (cousin) doesn’t have a black child because (uncle’s name) would be disappointed.”
Mother: You’re misunderstanding.
Me: How the hell else should I understand it?
Mother: “You’re seriously misunderstanding.”
Me: “Seriously, explain to me how I am?” No answer.
I was really rooting for "people from different races/cultures making mistakes and then fixing them with good communication and growing closer because of it"
Well, she immediately dismissed the concerns of a Black person, which is related to that person's experience as a Black person. In and of itself, does that make her racist? Not necessarily. But it's a racist attitude.
She is most definitely a racist POS….. She literally thought he would be ok with excluding his parents for his birth parents!!! I will say he handled it as he should have!!! And shoutout to her parents for letting her know how wrong she was!
Yes, and I don't blame OP for jumping right to that either, given the circumstances. It could be that she is racist and also a controlling bride, and the issues were entirely separate in her mind and just happened to come together in a perfect storm. As much as it sucks for the groom to be told that, I'm glad it was to him. Now he can walk away with a clear conscience and no doubt.
Yeah, I would have classified her as insensitive, not racist. But when the bit about not wanting the groom's adoptive parents in the photos -- whom he considered his "real" parents, that removed any doubt.
I can understand why her parents not only were embarrassed, but bewildered over where she acquired this disgusting belief. Racism is an ancient curse on all.
idk how dismissing someone's skin color based complaints on the basis of "well it worked on my skin color you don't know what you're talking about" isn't racist. minorities are always getting undermined about things they alone have experience with and to me that's clear racism
I think a lot of people only classify things as racist if they have clear, malicious intent and just “ignorance” otherwise. I’m with you though, I think that ignorance itself can very often be racist as well.
i personally think a lot of people don't classify ignorance as racism because they're uncomfortable with realizing how ignorant they are too and they don't like the cognitive dissonance, but ignorance *can definitely* be racism.
but not always, or even most of the time. i don't think someon is racist because they're ignorant about what it's like being an indian in a white area, where i'm located i might be the first indian person they've even seen. the difference is that racist people will be dismissive, whereas most people will be curious or want to know more...or they just won't care.
i didn't think the bride was racist until a black person said "this color won't work on my skin" and she said "oh trust me i tried it on a white person"
a kind person would say "ah i didn't think about that, thanks for letting me know". their ignorance says nothing about their character. but the bride was dismissive of her black friend in a situation where obviously her race mattered, but her friend just ignored her. to me it was obvious she didn't care much about the opinions of minorities after seeing that
Nope, me neither, I just pacepalmed internally about bride not knowing that the (colours of the) clothes you wear are the only thing where someone's skin tone _does_ matter. I have been bummed out lots of times realizing some really nice clothes that look stunning on some just are the worst on my skin tone.
The update though.... not only did it show she _was_ racist, but also manipulative enough to fool everyone around her, even her own parents, her long time boyfriend who was raised by people of colour _and_ his parents (who are also of colour).
And it’s sad, because if the bride hadn’t snitched on herself OOP would’ve kept dismissing everything. I really do feel bad for other people of color in situations like these because all of them keep ignoring their gut instinct about these so called “friends” and it isn’t until after the fact that they realize their relationship was never healthy or respectful.
The thing about racists is very few of them actually think they are racist. You don't take their word for it, you look at their words, actions, and behavior. I guarantee you this woman doesn't think she's a racist, she just "wants the perfect pictures" and she is oblivious to the fact that saying the presence of Black people means the photos won't be perfect is racist!
A good litmus test for anyone over the age of 45 to see if they are racist is to pull up a picture of a brazil nut on your phone and ask them what those nuts are called
My grandfather was so racist my mum didn't know the real word for Brazil nuts. One day he sent her to the store to buy some for him, and she had to ask for help to find them.
The only person available was a black man who stepped up to help a crying little girl. When he asked her what the nuts were called she sobbed and told him "she couldn't say it."
He knew immediately what she was after, and I'll never forget what she told me he did next, after helping her get them he then leaned down and whispered in her ear "don't worry, sometimes we call them that too."
Now, for context, my mum was the youngest of eight and born on a farm in Illinois in 1949. Even she knew how wrong that was then, as a small child. All of that being said?
I still found it crazier that her dad could write her a note and send her to the store to buy a pack of smokes for him. Mum thought she was clever when she started forging his signature in order to buy cigarettes for herself and her friends. She made a tidy little profit doing so.
Learning from her example, I'd steal the odd pack here and there from her and my sisters' cartons and then sell them back to them later in the month when they ran out. When they figured it out they still let me do it because it meant they'd have cigarettes at the end of the month and I charged less than the stores.
Adults can be fucking weird.
This is a worst problem when you try to talk about implicit bias and things like that. Even on "progressive" subs, hinting that most people have negative bias they aren't aware of about people of other ethnicities, get people mad.
It's literally impossible to not have them... because that's how our brains work. And also... we live in a racist, homophobic, sexist society.
The important thing is to acknowledge that, so when those bias pop up, you're prepared to realize them and consciously discard them.
Yes, and when you do or say something that crosses a line and someone calls you out on it, you're unable to acknowledge that because you are starting from the assumption that there's no way you can be racist.
Yeah, people know racism is bad and so they will generally define racism in such a way that they themselves don’t meet the criteria.
I once had a conversation with someone who insisted they weren’t racist for wanting to bring back segregation. His racism loophole was that he didn’t hate black folk, he just didn’t want to be around them.
One hundred percent this. It's fun being a pale-skinned no-accent Latino; I got to hear all the racist cracks about Mexicans and sp\*cs from people who thought I'd laugh cuz I looked like them. But no, none of them thought they were being racist, of course not.
I’m half Latina and came out pasty; if I’m next to my mom we’re obviously related, I’m just like 5 shades lighter. I’m from LA and never encountered racism towards myself, even though I saw occasional instances towards my mom and others. I moved to the Pacific Northwest, even live in a liberal area. On my own I don’t get racial weirdness. But when my mom visits and we go anywhere speaking Spanish, each visit there is always at least one weird micro aggression or straight up racist incident. I notice overall service gets worse, too, even at places I’m a regular at. It’s kind of an interesting social experiment
What is it about weddings that make people go crazy?
The idea that "aethetics" in pictures could be more important to someone than their partners loved ones is just mind-boggling to me.
I was a bridesmaid in a wedding once, I am white, the bride was Black, as were all the other bridesmaids. The groom was white, as were all the groomsmen but one, who was Black.
The photographer kept trying to insist the Black groomsman and I _switch places_ for the photos. It was so uncomfortable; he wasn't saying why but it was incredibly obvious. The groom's mother finally walked over to him, looking absolutely furious, and whispered something and he dropped it. But it was so weird.
Maybe the wedding was on a plantation, and the photographer was just trying to go with the theme! /s
For real though, I can't believe that's still happening in this day and age.
this is infuriating. I'm in the process of looking for a photographer right now and I've been upfront about asking them about their experience working with interracial weddings. I have no tolerance for this kind of crap.
This is an excellent point. I shot a wedding and groom was Bernie Mac black, bride was printer paper white. It was supposed to be outside but it rained. I spent HOURS with Photoshop fixing photos so either his features didn't disappear or she didn't look like Casper (the ghost). Good luck!
I know it’s supposed to be part of the job but common sense isn’t always common. Ive seen people just dump all the photos in a folder and send a final invoice. Good on you for doing that even though it took more time. Im sure the couple was happy and it helps the industry as a whole.
It's technically challenging, because different skin tones require different lighting and different exposure to properly capture the details. So, when persons of very different tones are in the same frame, some post-processing magic will be required, and even then a good result isn't guaranteed.
I'd definitely ask to see such pictures from their portfolio. Also, if they explain that difficulty (and offer to also take separate pictures of each person, or more takes, or ask for other accommodations) that's probably a good sign. The photographer being hesitant isn't necessarily racism!
I wouldn't dare try to shoot HDR at a wedding. Its mainly meant for landscapes so you don't blow out the sky trying to get a sunrise over the Grand Canyon or whatever. It doesn't really work for animals or people because HDR always requires multiple shots to get the different exposures. It's called shooting a bracket and all higher end cameras can do it. Back in film days it was done more as a safeguard in tricky lighting conditions since you couldn't look on the back of your camera to check exposures on the fly.
Now, DSLR cameras all have the ability to create brackets with automatic settings for specific stop values, but its still gonna be at least 3 separate shutter actuations to get the different exposures. You can't machine gun sports mode with it because even with a fast shutter speed the camera has a tiny pause in between shots to change to the next exposure setting.
As a result all landscape HDR is shot on tripod because the photographer moves too much when it's handheld. If you tried to shoot brackets of people for HDR, even with a tripod there would be some motion blur. Besides there's no way you would want to tripod shoot an entire wedding, you can't get good candids that way.
Aside from the not doing racist things standpoint, it is probably a good idea to ask from a practical standpoint. Getting the exposure right with a lot of contrast is not trivial.
For an extreme example, try taking a picture of a person in a black tux, in snow, on a cloudy day, on film. Digital cameras for instant feedback and photoshop for post-processing makes it a lot more forgiving these days than with film, when you pretty much had to take 10 exposures and hope one came out right once you developed them.
> The photographer kept trying to insist the Black groomsman and I switch places for the photos. It was so uncomfortable; he wasn't saying why but it was incredibly obvious. The groom's mother finally walked over to him, looking absolutely furious, and whispered something and he dropped it. But it was so weird.
Having been a freelance photographer for over 7 years back in the day the oooonly thing I can think of is the skin tone. Dark and light skin reflect light in very different ways and they *can* be difficult to shoot together.
That, however, should not matter.
The photographer was (at least I assume) a professional and he must've known the situation beforehand and he should've known how to handle the situation, either with lights or positioning.
The only excuses are either laziness, racism or being a goddamn idiot. None of them a good look.
But they were still going to be in the same picture, it was just a matter of which side. Would the photographer have been able to adjust the lighting to shoot better if he had segregated the group?
> Would the photographer have been able to adjust the lighting to shoot better if he had segregated the group?
Yup.
Positioning, background and light can all be played with to make the whole group look good. Harder to do when they're mixed, but you know what, that's why they're paying the photographer several thousands (from a few to tens of thousands depending on the amount of people, what kind of photos the couple wants, if there are any special shots, how long the photographer is expected to remain there for, the amount of shots, etc.) baby. It's your damn job, stop making excuses.
At my best friend’s wedding, the photographer kept pairing me off with the groom’s brother and brother’s young daughter (who was the flower girl) because she and I were the only blondes in the wedding party. She had us pose like a couple, and if you cropped everyone else out, it looked like a family portrait 🤣
He wasn’t even the groom I was paired with for the ceremony!
This exactly, I'm not a big fan of weddings in the first place but, if I ever do have one I want people who I care about there dressed nicely but comfortably for THEM.
I am Danish and the wedding culture here is so much more chill, at least in my experience.
I have enjoyed the weddings I have been to.
Yet considering ALL of that, if I ever get married, I still want to elope at the courthouse.
I'm American and every wedding I've attended has been a relaxed, drama free affair.
Most of them have been smaller. 50 people tops. One of them was hosted at the father of the bride's home. He has a large, finished garage. They rented a pavilion and had BBQ catered. It was a blast.
We only ever hear about stories like this one because the normal ones aren't exciting. Like, the most exciting thing to happen at ours was when my wife spilled a glob of mustard on her dress.
The biggest fuck up at our wedding was someone mistaking a chocolate truffle for a croquette, and dropping it in the fryer. The croquettes were nixed after that, it was impossible to save on the fly.
I kinda love that this is what went wrong. Something will obviously go wrong, and at least this makes for a funny story.
Oh yeah. One of our favorite wedding pictures is my father in law on hands and knees dabbing at the mustard.
Which wasn't in a very conspicuous place, and you had to be looking for it to see it by the time he was done. We laughed about it then. We laugh about it now.
This is exactly what my sister did for her wedding; it was relatively small, just close family (parents, siblings, kids, nieces/nephews, a couple aunts and uncles, and some cousins on the groom's side) and close friends.
The dress code for guests was just to dress in something that looks nice. Our grandma wore a nice-looking coat because she doesn't own a lot of expensive stuff and she gets chilly easily.
The wedding itself was almost entirely drama free. Our parents, who *despise* each other, acted incredibly civilly. They sat on opposite sides of the room with their backs to each other at dinner.
It's really set my standards for how a wedding should go.
In my culture when you have a wedding, the bride and groom will buy traditional fabric and pay for everyone in the wedding party (brides side and grooms side) to get an outfit sewn in the style of their choosing.
That way it fits the color scheme, but also gives the wearer the flexibility to choose something that they like and feel comfortable in (and can even wear again for another occasion).
This is why my wife and I eloped and had a small party with friends and family the following weekend.
When my best friend got engaged she wanted a traditional wedding and told me she wanted me to be her MOH, but she knew I wouldn't want to be involved in any of the planning and I certainly wouldn't want to wear a dress in front of a hundred people. I told her she was absolutely correct and thought the bridesmaids she chose were perfect for the occasion.
She did make me pose in a few of the photos and I'm in jeans and a sweater, but besides the one of her and her husband, the one of her and me is the only wedding photo that's framed and displayed in her house.
I'm Indian and attended hundreds of weddings till now. We have tons of drama but worrying about someone upstaging the bride had never been one of them.
Yeah but in some areas brides wear simple sarees for mandap rituals at night and girls around her would be wearing heavy embroidered designer lenhega but still they can't upstage her. Brides look divine all the time especially if they are happy.
My punjabi* friend showed me her cousin bridal photos. The cousin wore a pair of red Converse that had more gold than my entire jewelry box.
*sorry if badly written
I'm Indian as well, the drama is never about upstaging the bride. The fact that we write down how much each family gave is something I'll never get over
To be fair, how my family does it is making sure if a family gave us a lot, they gave back at least an equal amount for one of their family members weddings. If a lower-income family gave less we don't use that as an excuse to give less. Don't get me wrong some of it is catty, like if our family gave a lot and the other family is well-earning and they gave a little, the next wedding for their side they'd be slightly less generous.
My sister, who was one of my bridesmaids, shaved off all her hair about a week before my wedding- my nephew had leukaemia (thankfully he's had the all-clear now, and you'd never know to look at him what he'd been through) and was sad about losing his hair so she shaved hers off in solidarity. It never would have occurred to me to get upset about the "aesthetic"... I just really appreciated the fact that she and her husband arranged for him to be in hospital with their son that day so that she was still able to be there beside me on my wedding day. There are far more important things than looks.
One of my college friends has alopecia totalis. Already did when I met her. I don't think I've ever seen her with hair.
Anyway, my mother's one moment during my wedding planning was suddenly saying, "omigod, is Sharon going to wear hair? She has to wear hair!" (Mind you, Sharon was a *guest*, not a bridesmaid). My reply was, "Mom, Sharon didn't even wear hair to her *own* wedding, I'm not going to make her do it for mine." She realized how ridiculous she was being and never mentioned it again. It was fine. But I'll always remember that ridiculous exchange.
If you're curious, Sharon wore a full flower crown on her completely bald head at her wedding. Looked great.
To me I think it’s a good indicator of how a person truly is. Give them a day where they’re supposed to be in the spotlight + the stress of planning for it, then you find out what they really prioritize. Bridezilla behaviors weren’t just cultivated in a day, they’ve always been there beneath the surface and the wedding just reveals it.
The wrong wedding attire has the power to cause mass amnesia among the guests. Do not attend weddings if you are allergic to weddings. Notify your doctor if you experience severe confusion, face blindness, and the inability to carry glasses of red wine. Side effects can be life threatening if weddings are attended in close proximity to another pregnant woman. People with main character syndrome should consult with a physician before planning a wedding. Ask your therapist if weddings are right for you.
I'm not one for aesthetics myself, but my MOH was, and she took it upon herself not to smile in our wedding photos so her adult braces wouldn't be seen, assuming that's what I wanted. In truth, I was so disappointed when I got the pictures because she looks so unhappy. I just wanted everyone to look happy to celebrate with us.
My mom complained to me that my wedding wasn't expensive enough. My ring was like 50 bucks maybe, no diamond. The most expensive thing was the cake, my dress was bought at a Goodwill lol. I would rather spend a ton of money on a beautiful home than on a beautiful wedding
I have no idea…
My wedding I’m breaking a lot of the traditional rules. Man of honour for me, best man for him. 2 bridesmaids and bridesmen, he has 4 groomswomen and most of them will be wearing suits.
I’m giving them all swatches and telling them to find whatever they want that matches the colors. Idea being that everyone has different comfort tastes and views of what price is reasonable for a dress/suit they may not get to wear again so it’s not fair for me to impose a certain price on them.
These are people we all love and cherish deeply, it’s why we’ve chosen them to be with us at the altar. They absolutely deserve to be looked after and comfortable - it’s a long day for them too and I prefer to look at photos in the future and see legitimate happiness.
Sure, the groom still suffered some after-effects due effecting OOP mostly; but can't deny he dodge that racist nuke when came to his parents and any child(ren) they might have.
Their kids would have been white, since the groom was white & adopted by black parents. But yeah, can you imagine her unveiling her "Let's just leave your parents out of our pics" plan on their wedding day?
There's a book called The Hot Zone that contains a quote that I think is perfect for this situation:
>"Did we dodge a bullet?"
>"I don't think we did," Jahrling said. "The bullet hit us. We were just lucky that the bullet we took was a rubber bullet from a twenty-two rather than a dumdum bullet from a forty-five."
There's two layers of fucked up-ness to this. First, she was a racist, which is wrong. Second, she knew very well that her ex-fiancee wasn't racist and in fact had people of color in his closest family and friends circle, so they were incompatible because of his values and her hatred. Becoming aware of that, she chose to lie to him by omission and to try to manipulate his black best friend out of their lives while trying to pretend race wasn't the thing she had a problem with. I presume his parents would be next.
The fact that you can be with someone for years, love the persona they present to you, and notice nothing has to be an extreme mindfuck. Like, why?
> my now ex nixed that
> my husband was (note the past tense)
I thought this update involved OOP’s marriage ending as a result of all of this at first.
So did I!
I had to read it very carefully to the very end, and then scroll up to reread, in order to confirm her own marriage wasn't blown up in the process
I can understand the grammatical misstep that made it read that way
But oh boy what a ride
Mad respect to her and everyone else involved outside of the bride for making a massive wonderful event out of the whole thing
Yeah, I went "Oh no, come on, don't tell me her husband and that 'friend' or the fiancé had an affair..." and was relieved when I realised she just forgot to type "friend".
I think she forgot the word "friend" after the "ex".
By the way, complete side issue, but I hope OOP reconsiders dying the dress - the kind of fabrics used for ballgowns usually don't take dyes well at all, and different parts of the dress will end up with completely different hues.
Even at many thousands of dollars paid that is a small price to find out what the bridezilla was all about.
At least you kept one friend and have a crazy story
I wonder if she was just in denial about one of her friends clearly being racist in her face. She said previously that she had to deal with the color appearance of clothing because her darker complexion. But with her friend clearly digging her heels in and escalating it more and more how did “damn, she might be racist” never cross OOP’s mind?
I feel like that’s the case for minorities. One of my friends (brown) and I (black) had a conversation about this. We’ve grown up in diverse spaces, some of them being predominantly white. I think when you’re a part of the latter environment, that denial exists to prevent yourself from sounding “sensitive” when you’re not. Other times, you truly don’t realize a person is being racist until later reflection, which is what my friend and I concluded for ourselves when talking about living in white spaces. The interesting part about it all is that while we don’t see the racism in that moment, white people— whether they be biased or not— do see it and move accordingly.
What I’ve learned from my past in purity culture is that “we didn’t raise you that way” can mean something more like “we weren’t like that ourselves, but we also weren’t proactively checking what you were being exposed to when we weren’t around and trying to counteract it.” I grew up being trained to believe a whole lot of things my parents never would have chosen to teach me. They didn’t raise me to be like that, but the other people they allowed to be involved in my upbringing did.
(My mom, upon learning about this, has reacted extremely well and she’s my strongest advocate, but it was a reminder that as a parent, you can’t just send your kids to school or church events and assume that everything they’re learning is stuff you’d choose to teach them.)
And his family is black!! No wonder he’s absolutely furious, they’ve had a relationship long and serious enough to get to marriage, and the whole time she’s basically been looking down on his family. Gross, poor guy.
What? This all happened in ONE DAY and OOP had time during this whole fiasco to sit down and write this out on Reddit? They were going to DYE the dress a different color?? The bride never saw MOH in the dress until the day of the wedding? All BS.
Yeah, lmao. It's a fun story, but... c'mon, floating dyeing the dress the *day of the wedding?* Bridezilla didn't want her there the whole time but waited until *the day of the wedding* to find an excuse to kick her out?
The belated "I'm actually HIS friend and my husband is actually HER like-a-brother" details that only make it into the second update, but OP forgets to say anything about how the husband feels about his like-a-sister being a raging racist until she's asked about it in the comments, no mention of the fallout from having to get the word out to the entire guest list so they wouldn't show up expecting a wedding, the perfect-comeuppance of the *husband's* family bankrolling the wedding and Bridezilla's parents immediately turning their backs on her and offering to pay half because they're ashamed of the racist daughter they raised... Well, it'd make great TV!
What, you've never dyed a bridesmaid dress (note: won't fit anyone else due to my ginormous bazongas! I'm talking the size of your head!) on the day of the wedding and had it both dye evenly, streak free, and be ready to wear ALL on the day of the wedding?
Dying the dress herself *while" the other bridesmaids were getting their hair done. I think this person saw the optical illusion the other day where the drawing of the girl looks either white or black depending on the background (https://www.reddit.com/r/blackmagicfuckery/comments/1da8mdf/these_two_faces_supposed_to_be_the_same_color_but/) and created a whole story based on it.
also now whenever i see a post that has the OOP vehemently denying something negative about the person (they're not racist, we have a perfect marriage except, blah blah) now raises red flags. it's all just too perfect
Dye the dress the day before the wedding? I've done dyeing. That's a fairly time-consuming process. You can't just throw that kind of dress into the washing machine with a bottle of Rit. You need specific dyes depending on the material(s.) If OOP wants a professional-looking job, she'll need to hire a professional.
I’d have to guess that it’s likely none of them had actually ever dyed a dress so had no clue the time/effort/etc… but were trying to save a dumpster fire on the fly.
Also, now that we know the end of the story, while the bride’s insistence on having someone else wear the gown doesn’t make sense if she consciously sabotaged the MOH, part of me wonders if it was an unconscious “I don’t really want you involved so I’m not going to pay attention to the details since you don’t matter” sort of thing. Especially if she was planning on steering most of the photos to be missing any black individuals.
Yeah that's something that didn't check out for me either. Like, OOP is the only black person in the wedding party and one of the only black people at the wedding BUT the groom was adopted by a black couple? Does the groom's family not have like, literally any other black person in it that would have been in the wedding party or even invited?? Siblings, uncles, aunts, cousins, etc. Unless the groom's parents were each in turn adopted by white families lololol
I was thinking that -- white child black adoptive parents is ridiculously rare. I mean, the majority is a white couple that split up and a black step parent adopts the kids -- straight up "child is removed from white family and is adopted by black family" is vanishingly rare. (I feel like 3 people are gonna appear and be like "I know 72 families who have this dynamic" and I love that for them but *statistically overall* it is very rare.)
AND expected to be able to dye her custom super-yuge-magna-titty-compatible dress and have it perfectly ready before the wedding like tomorrow??
So many holes in this story. How does someone have the time at an event like this to tell this story in a concise and eleborate way, and update on the same day? How is the MOH dress a carbon copy of the brides dress and only 350 dollars? How did the super-yuge-magna-titty-compatible dress get ordered but not tried on at least once before the wedding day?
> AND expected to be able to dye her custom super-yuge-magna-titty-compatible dress and have it perfectly ready before the wedding like tomorrow??
The wedding *that night.* All of this drama supposedly happened the morning of the wedding. OOP saw people floating the idea of dyeing the dress in the comments, didn't realize it was a bullshit suggestion in the first place, and just had to fold it into part two without realizing it made the entire thing crumble even before you get to the "so your white friend raised by black parents doesn't have, like, any black cousins or aunts or grandparents that would also be at the wedding, huh?"
I’m a big fan of all these stories where OOP starts off with “So I just want to be clear that my friend/parent/significant other isn’t [insert some hateful/harmful attitude/behavior]. We have a great relationship!” Then the Reddit comments are “but they kinda are though?” And then the thrilling update: “So it turns out that they *were* a piece of shit the whole time and our relationship is over.”
I wonder what got into her. I mean, her parents are appalled, her "closest thing to a sibling" is married to a Black woman, her husband-to-be has Black parents. If this is the first time any of them realize she's racist to this level, it's gotta be a recent development.
Chances are, she had a bunch of micro-aggressions that people never picked up or just overlooked. I doubt she truly hid it at all times; just OP and family never had enough moments in a row for them to put the pieces together.
exactly what im wondering too, its like shes been a closet racist her wholelife and then the wedding and the power that comes with being a bride, made her inner racist come out or smth ahaha
Omg. My husband’s entire group of groomsmen was white. My braidsmaids were a mix of brown and white. The darkest woman was Indian. I told my braidsmaids to wear whatever they wanted that made them feel comfortable. My friend wore a BEAUTIFUL purple dress that had little sparkles in it. I told her she looked wonderful and her boyfriend showed up in a vest that was the same color. I got very teary eyed (I was pregnant at the time of my wedding lmao) and told them they were so cute and I loved them.
Anyway, she was the darkest person in the entire wedding party, wore a darker dress than anybody else, and nobody cared. Literally not one person cared. My maid of honor was gassing her up lol.
If you are worried about what people might think about a non-white person being in your group, you are not as accepting as you think you are.
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>To clarify because it's important the bride is NOT RACIST in any way .......she's gonna be a big fat racist isn't she?
My eyes about fell out of my head when I got to only the groom’s bio parents being in the photos.
The bride isn't racist, it just doesn't fit her wedding aesthetic. "What theme are you going for here, like, early winter? Monochrome chic?" "I was more going for racist with hints of bigotry."
>"What theme are you going for here, like, early winter? Monochrome chic?" Sad beige.
Shades of printer paper (OOP was on fire with that one)
My BFF. Totally printer paper white. She and her husband adopted 2 of the most precious baby boys who are technically mixed, but the black gene is strong. It's hilarious to see her, all of about 5'3" standing next to these boys who have just rocketed up to 6 foot tall DOORS. In spite of all the time spent at soccer and football games over the years, she's still printer paper white. 🤣🤣🤣🤣
I'm mixed but my skin got all the Irish and not a hint of melanin. My mom and brother can be in the sun for hours and end up 5 shades darker. I stand in the sun for 5 minutes and I'm lobster red. When sunlight hits my bare legs the glare hurts my eyes 😭
Sad life of strong Irish genes. The sun is not our friend. We were made to soak up as much sun as possible as fast as possible bc our ancestors lived in a rainy, cloudy wetland. My sister does better than me and I don’t think she quite understood how fast I turn into a lobster. We went to San Diego beaches and I put on the sunscreen made for kids. 2 hours later I was begging my sister to go but she insisted we stay. I was a full blown lobster. 🦞🥵
Omg I feel you so much! I'm one of 5 and the oldest and youngest have the most beautiful skin that the sun kisses oh so kindly, they just get more striking since they have blue eyes and their hair turns into this gorgeous rainbow of colours. Then us in the middle just think of enjoying a nice day and end up lobster red.
Lol… that’s how you know you’re Irish! Lol. My family background is part Irish - I absolutely got the Irish gene of red hair and no ability whatsoever to deflect sunlight! Lol. I know I was born with some freckles, but I’m certain that some have been acquired through life. Lol.
I felt this description. It's brilliant
The pointy hoods for the bridesmaids probably should have been the first clue, honestly
"What theme are you going for here, like, early winter? Monochrome chic?" "Aryan."
"I was aiming for a nice midcentury Klan vibe"
“Im going for the white wedding theme” cue banjo
I'm not racist, some of my friends are light grey
Her wedding aesthetic was retro, in a totally KKK way.
She doesn't want them entirely excluded. Just... Segregated. For the aesthetic, you know?
She was fine with Black people at her wedding, just at the BACK of the wedding!
She was fine with black people as long as they were actually white
"I want it to have very Mein Kampfy vibes".
Checkov's racist?
Shrodinger's racist. She is both racist and not racist until she starts planning a wedding that may, or may not occur.
Oh that's so brilliant. You win Comments today.
If in a story, a racist is mentioned hanging on the wall, ...
My first thought when I saw your comment was At least it’s the racist that’s hanging. Sorry have a dark sense of humor it’s a coping mechanism.
...they will have a revealing bigoted meltdown by the last act.
Oh this NEEDS to be a flair.
All you need to do is ask 💩🥐🔼
Oh I want that as my flair!
Mods! Can we get a new flair?
Yup. It's like when someone starts a post with "our marriage is perfect but..." You just know they're about to describe a marriage that is anything but perfect, and quite possibly abusive.
Or if it wasn't, it wouldn't show up on BORU. If it is "our relationship is really good but we like different brands of orange juice" and someone in the comments says "buy two different bottles of orange juice" and then you get an update saying "we bought two bottles of orange juice and everything is fine now", it doesn't make it to BORU.
Honestly, every so often one of those should, just as a bait and switch joke. And as some lighthearted brain bleach since most of the posts here are sad at the beginning and/or the end. We very rarely get posts like “I want to ask my stepdad to adopt me.” … “He said yes!”
The one by the woman who hurt her husband's feelings by being blunt about his first attempt at stand up comedy was kind of like this. No malice, no crazy people, no big disaster, just some hurt feelings and both parties resolving the issue and moving on like adults.
There's one where the title is something like, " finally after all these years, my father will finally get what he deserves". It seems like a revenge story but it's a super cute one about a really good dad getting a laptop
The closest friends I'm not related to are some white dudes, and I have never felt the least bit of need to clarify that they are not racist. I figure once you need to, you're already across the bridge.
I honestly think it’s possible the MoH genuinely didn’t realise her friend was being racist until it got much worse. The story started with dress shopping and choosing a dress that was pale grey enough to look white on a dark skinned BM, and the bride didn’t listen to the warning that pale grey would look white against her skin. If she had turned out to not be such a giant pile of racist trash, she would have seen the dress once it was on her BM and said ‘wow, I see what you mean, it really does look white against your dark skin. I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you, but never mind now. All of you bridesmaids look gorgeous, so let’s go out there and get me married!’ If the story had gone in that direction, the bride really would not be guilty of anything other than ignoring advice, which doesn’t have to be a drama unless you choose to make it one. No racism at all.
But you have to understand, the CoLOr ScEMe. It Ruins everything this little Trailer-Princess dreamed about (is this for Real? Dreaming about Weddings and how it should look like as a child??)
It's at least a big enough myth about girlhood that, as a pretty small kid, I used to wonder if there was something wrong with me for not being interested in imagining my wedding.
As a child I liked the idea of a big, gorgeous gown. But even then, I never conflated marriage with a big party and a dress. I think many of these “dreaming of it my whole life” people are totally unprepared for a marriage. They want a $75k party, not a celebration of finding the person they want to partner with forever.
For me it was the veil. I loved to make a veil out of my ponchos. I actually wore a hat to my wedding. :) The idea that the aesthetic of the wedding is more important than gathering with the people you love ought to put more people off before they get to the altar, IMO. I mean, if your partner thinks their attendants are mere props what’s the chance they don’t see you that way at times?
My mom will still occasionally say something about the tackiness of a cousin's wedding (which she didn't even attend, but has seen pictures and heard stories of). No one was harmed by being surrounded by Pepto Bismol-pink balloons and flowers for an hour. The couple's still happily married and has two healthy kids; I count that as a win.
I fully agree. At my showers and the wedding, my MIL and a few of her friends jokingly (kind of) asked why I chose such beautiful women to stand up with me. I responded with a) I’m not exactly struggling in the looks department and b) these are the women I love dearly. I don’t care if they look like supermodels or gremlins, they’re wonderful humans and they’re my people.
Yep that’s what I don’t get. Having people I care about there at my wedding was way more important than a color scheme or whatever. That’s the whole point of any kind of celebration!
I dreamt about the big gorgeous gown and walking down the aisle as a kid. Last year I got married at the registry office in shorts and a t-shirt because money was/is tight (can’t afford to spend £10k on a venue, especially when we can spend £130 without all the pomp) and my husband wasn’t bothered about a big wedding, for us the marriage is the important thing (and me taking his last name was important to me)
Agreed. I think a lot of young girls think about the dress but most of us know that it or the party aren’t the important pieces.
Thanks for this. Once when I was a little girl, I heard about "rainbow bridesmaids," meaning each bridesmaid wore a dress of a different color of the rainbow and thought that sounded cool. Then later I saw an old movie in which a bride wore a satin gown and thought that looked pretty. That was it. I didn't plan anything, just sort of figured I'd think about the details when I got there. And I really don't like the whole "planning my wedding since I was 6" thing because it's the groom's wedding, too. Doesn't he get a say? It's almost like he's just an accessory.
Some people say they have a wedding vision from childhood... not weighing in on that lol. But I know for a fact it was a HUGE issue in the Tumblr photo editing & gif making scene several years ago to quite literally whitewash actors/celebrities/performers of color in editing processes so they could fit a "pastel aesthetic" that was actually just... racist. Like your vision for roght now is this exact scene, but in pink, and with no Black people. Weirdo stuff! That sounds very niche now, but I'm talking the 2010s & 20teens, it was HOPPING in terms of social media, and a lot of pop media gifs that exist & still circulate on the Internet now are from Tumblr, because they allowed larger image uploads & hosting when other sites did not. It was a WILD time & space for a lot of reasons, but the era of ghostly Photoshops makes me think some people DO go through life with weirdly Aryan ideal paper doll visions for what they think the world should look like, and are waiting for any little shred or modicum of power to enforce & push that onto others as "normal," even when the power is just "clicking a mouse," or "being a Bridezilla."
Wait that doesn’t make sense. Maybe I’m just a confused man, but I think people with dark dark dark skin tones look better in pastels than pale pale pale people. The contrast is amazing. Like that actress who was the main love interest in Black Panther. I remember she did something important in a light blue dress and I thought she looked absolutely stunning. I remember because my wife loved it a lot and I saw a shirt that colour in a shop shortly afterwards and bought it for her, but my wife had me return it and she educated me on how colours like that on people as pale as her can make them look ghostly.
I believe the trend involved using photoshopping to lighten the given skin tones to the actors involved to make _them_ "pastel". Not their clothing. And Lupita Nyong'o looked amazing at The Oscars in a Cinderella blue dress, I agree.
Weird because dark skin is pretty versatile imho. Pastels, brights, white. Personally I find a nice contrast between skin color and fabric color is really pleasing to look at as opposed to being too close to the same color. And the belief that only pale is attractive is so sad.
Wasn't there a post the other day from a white guy who edited how Black girlfriend into a lighter shade because?
Omg. Don’t get me started.
"Color scheme: Caucasian."
I imagined weddings as a child, but I’m guessing it’s because I was brought up in a purity culture religion where we were all expected to get heterosexually married at very young ages. But if I were to get married now, there is absolutely no way I would be planning it based on my childhood daydreams. 12 year olds aren’t generally known for their decision making skills. 😂
Amen to that - 12yo me wanted to live in a cave!
I mean I had a vague idea of wanting to dye my hair (in general when I was an adult) crayola crayon red and wear a red wedding dress but that’s as far as I got and good thing too bc omg it was both too much $$ and just overwhelming so we opted to do a court house wedding. Best decision ever. I want to say I was under 7 years old when that idea got into my head, maybe as young as 4 or 5 but I didn’t think much about it at all. I’m not even sure I even told anyone.
I mean to a certain extent; I would say less as a little kid and more around tween age it can be really fun to look at Pinterest visions of weddings or wedding dresses. Like I don't even have a significant other but I know I would want my wedding dress to have gold embroidery.
It was inevitable.
More inevitable than Thanos
Second act shocker, a Shyamalan-style twist!
Me with my mother: “(Uncle) doesn’t have a racist bone in his body!” Me: You yourself said “I hope (cousin) doesn’t have a black child because (uncle’s name) would be disappointed.” Mother: You’re misunderstanding. Me: How the hell else should I understand it? Mother: “You’re seriously misunderstanding.” Me: “Seriously, explain to me how I am?” No answer.
I was really rooting for "people from different races/cultures making mistakes and then fixing them with good communication and growing closer because of it"
Reddit narrator: The bride is in fact racist.
Well, she immediately dismissed the concerns of a Black person, which is related to that person's experience as a Black person. In and of itself, does that make her racist? Not necessarily. But it's a racist attitude.
She just hid it extremely well before her wedding.
She is most definitely a racist POS….. She literally thought he would be ok with excluding his parents for his birth parents!!! I will say he handled it as he should have!!! And shoutout to her parents for letting her know how wrong she was!
She gave the woman the benefit of the doubt.
Nope. She's not big and fat at all.
Honestly, in the first post, I wouldn't have necessarily called her out as a racist
Yes, and I don't blame OP for jumping right to that either, given the circumstances. It could be that she is racist and also a controlling bride, and the issues were entirely separate in her mind and just happened to come together in a perfect storm. As much as it sucks for the groom to be told that, I'm glad it was to him. Now he can walk away with a clear conscience and no doubt.
Yeah, I would have classified her as insensitive, not racist. But when the bit about not wanting the groom's adoptive parents in the photos -- whom he considered his "real" parents, that removed any doubt. I can understand why her parents not only were embarrassed, but bewildered over where she acquired this disgusting belief. Racism is an ancient curse on all.
idk how dismissing someone's skin color based complaints on the basis of "well it worked on my skin color you don't know what you're talking about" isn't racist. minorities are always getting undermined about things they alone have experience with and to me that's clear racism
I think a lot of people only classify things as racist if they have clear, malicious intent and just “ignorance” otherwise. I’m with you though, I think that ignorance itself can very often be racist as well.
i personally think a lot of people don't classify ignorance as racism because they're uncomfortable with realizing how ignorant they are too and they don't like the cognitive dissonance, but ignorance *can definitely* be racism. but not always, or even most of the time. i don't think someon is racist because they're ignorant about what it's like being an indian in a white area, where i'm located i might be the first indian person they've even seen. the difference is that racist people will be dismissive, whereas most people will be curious or want to know more...or they just won't care. i didn't think the bride was racist until a black person said "this color won't work on my skin" and she said "oh trust me i tried it on a white person" a kind person would say "ah i didn't think about that, thanks for letting me know". their ignorance says nothing about their character. but the bride was dismissive of her black friend in a situation where obviously her race mattered, but her friend just ignored her. to me it was obvious she didn't care much about the opinions of minorities after seeing that
Nope, me neither, I just pacepalmed internally about bride not knowing that the (colours of the) clothes you wear are the only thing where someone's skin tone _does_ matter. I have been bummed out lots of times realizing some really nice clothes that look stunning on some just are the worst on my skin tone. The update though.... not only did it show she _was_ racist, but also manipulative enough to fool everyone around her, even her own parents, her long time boyfriend who was raised by people of colour _and_ his parents (who are also of colour).
And it’s sad, because if the bride hadn’t snitched on herself OOP would’ve kept dismissing everything. I really do feel bad for other people of color in situations like these because all of them keep ignoring their gut instinct about these so called “friends” and it isn’t until after the fact that they realize their relationship was never healthy or respectful.
The thing about racists is very few of them actually think they are racist. You don't take their word for it, you look at their words, actions, and behavior. I guarantee you this woman doesn't think she's a racist, she just "wants the perfect pictures" and she is oblivious to the fact that saying the presence of Black people means the photos won't be perfect is racist!
Yeah according to my dad he isn't a racist. The jokes he made in private when I grew up tell a different story.
A good litmus test for anyone over the age of 45 to see if they are racist is to pull up a picture of a brazil nut on your phone and ask them what those nuts are called
? I don't get it. I'm north of 55.
old school nickname for them is "n-word toes"
My grandfather was so racist my mum didn't know the real word for Brazil nuts. One day he sent her to the store to buy some for him, and she had to ask for help to find them. The only person available was a black man who stepped up to help a crying little girl. When he asked her what the nuts were called she sobbed and told him "she couldn't say it." He knew immediately what she was after, and I'll never forget what she told me he did next, after helping her get them he then leaned down and whispered in her ear "don't worry, sometimes we call them that too." Now, for context, my mum was the youngest of eight and born on a farm in Illinois in 1949. Even she knew how wrong that was then, as a small child. All of that being said? I still found it crazier that her dad could write her a note and send her to the store to buy a pack of smokes for him. Mum thought she was clever when she started forging his signature in order to buy cigarettes for herself and her friends. She made a tidy little profit doing so. Learning from her example, I'd steal the odd pack here and there from her and my sisters' cartons and then sell them back to them later in the month when they ran out. When they figured it out they still let me do it because it meant they'd have cigarettes at the end of the month and I charged less than the stores. Adults can be fucking weird.
This is a worst problem when you try to talk about implicit bias and things like that. Even on "progressive" subs, hinting that most people have negative bias they aren't aware of about people of other ethnicities, get people mad. It's literally impossible to not have them... because that's how our brains work. And also... we live in a racist, homophobic, sexist society. The important thing is to acknowledge that, so when those bias pop up, you're prepared to realize them and consciously discard them.
Yes, and when you do or say something that crosses a line and someone calls you out on it, you're unable to acknowledge that because you are starting from the assumption that there's no way you can be racist.
Excellent point. Self reflection is a skill so much in need.
Yeah, people know racism is bad and so they will generally define racism in such a way that they themselves don’t meet the criteria. I once had a conversation with someone who insisted they weren’t racist for wanting to bring back segregation. His racism loophole was that he didn’t hate black folk, he just didn’t want to be around them.
Yep!
One hundred percent this. It's fun being a pale-skinned no-accent Latino; I got to hear all the racist cracks about Mexicans and sp\*cs from people who thought I'd laugh cuz I looked like them. But no, none of them thought they were being racist, of course not.
I’m half Latina and came out pasty; if I’m next to my mom we’re obviously related, I’m just like 5 shades lighter. I’m from LA and never encountered racism towards myself, even though I saw occasional instances towards my mom and others. I moved to the Pacific Northwest, even live in a liberal area. On my own I don’t get racial weirdness. But when my mom visits and we go anywhere speaking Spanish, each visit there is always at least one weird micro aggression or straight up racist incident. I notice overall service gets worse, too, even at places I’m a regular at. It’s kind of an interesting social experiment
What is it about weddings that make people go crazy? The idea that "aethetics" in pictures could be more important to someone than their partners loved ones is just mind-boggling to me.
I was a bridesmaid in a wedding once, I am white, the bride was Black, as were all the other bridesmaids. The groom was white, as were all the groomsmen but one, who was Black. The photographer kept trying to insist the Black groomsman and I _switch places_ for the photos. It was so uncomfortable; he wasn't saying why but it was incredibly obvious. The groom's mother finally walked over to him, looking absolutely furious, and whispered something and he dropped it. But it was so weird.
That photographer said ✨segregation✨
Aaah yes, the new wedding trend; ✨️aethetic segregation✨️ Thanks, I hate it. But I do love seeing someone use ironic sparkles!
Maybe the wedding was on a plantation, and the photographer was just trying to go with the theme! /s For real though, I can't believe that's still happening in this day and age.
this is infuriating. I'm in the process of looking for a photographer right now and I've been upfront about asking them about their experience working with interracial weddings. I have no tolerance for this kind of crap.
This is an excellent point. I shot a wedding and groom was Bernie Mac black, bride was printer paper white. It was supposed to be outside but it rained. I spent HOURS with Photoshop fixing photos so either his features didn't disappear or she didn't look like Casper (the ghost). Good luck!
I know it’s supposed to be part of the job but common sense isn’t always common. Ive seen people just dump all the photos in a folder and send a final invoice. Good on you for doing that even though it took more time. Im sure the couple was happy and it helps the industry as a whole.
It's technically challenging, because different skin tones require different lighting and different exposure to properly capture the details. So, when persons of very different tones are in the same frame, some post-processing magic will be required, and even then a good result isn't guaranteed. I'd definitely ask to see such pictures from their portfolio. Also, if they explain that difficulty (and offer to also take separate pictures of each person, or more takes, or ask for other accommodations) that's probably a good sign. The photographer being hesitant isn't necessarily racism!
Can you do the HDR trick of taking multiple pictures at different exposures? I assume the camera would need to do that so the people didn't move
I wouldn't dare try to shoot HDR at a wedding. Its mainly meant for landscapes so you don't blow out the sky trying to get a sunrise over the Grand Canyon or whatever. It doesn't really work for animals or people because HDR always requires multiple shots to get the different exposures. It's called shooting a bracket and all higher end cameras can do it. Back in film days it was done more as a safeguard in tricky lighting conditions since you couldn't look on the back of your camera to check exposures on the fly. Now, DSLR cameras all have the ability to create brackets with automatic settings for specific stop values, but its still gonna be at least 3 separate shutter actuations to get the different exposures. You can't machine gun sports mode with it because even with a fast shutter speed the camera has a tiny pause in between shots to change to the next exposure setting. As a result all landscape HDR is shot on tripod because the photographer moves too much when it's handheld. If you tried to shoot brackets of people for HDR, even with a tripod there would be some motion blur. Besides there's no way you would want to tripod shoot an entire wedding, you can't get good candids that way.
I hate that that's necessary but yeah, probably a good idea. Ugh.
Aside from the not doing racist things standpoint, it is probably a good idea to ask from a practical standpoint. Getting the exposure right with a lot of contrast is not trivial. For an extreme example, try taking a picture of a person in a black tux, in snow, on a cloudy day, on film. Digital cameras for instant feedback and photoshop for post-processing makes it a lot more forgiving these days than with film, when you pretty much had to take 10 exposures and hope one came out right once you developed them.
> The photographer kept trying to insist the Black groomsman and I switch places for the photos. It was so uncomfortable; he wasn't saying why but it was incredibly obvious. The groom's mother finally walked over to him, looking absolutely furious, and whispered something and he dropped it. But it was so weird. Having been a freelance photographer for over 7 years back in the day the oooonly thing I can think of is the skin tone. Dark and light skin reflect light in very different ways and they *can* be difficult to shoot together. That, however, should not matter. The photographer was (at least I assume) a professional and he must've known the situation beforehand and he should've known how to handle the situation, either with lights or positioning. The only excuses are either laziness, racism or being a goddamn idiot. None of them a good look.
But they were still going to be in the same picture, it was just a matter of which side. Would the photographer have been able to adjust the lighting to shoot better if he had segregated the group?
> Would the photographer have been able to adjust the lighting to shoot better if he had segregated the group? Yup. Positioning, background and light can all be played with to make the whole group look good. Harder to do when they're mixed, but you know what, that's why they're paying the photographer several thousands (from a few to tens of thousands depending on the amount of people, what kind of photos the couple wants, if there are any special shots, how long the photographer is expected to remain there for, the amount of shots, etc.) baby. It's your damn job, stop making excuses.
At my best friend’s wedding, the photographer kept pairing me off with the groom’s brother and brother’s young daughter (who was the flower girl) because she and I were the only blondes in the wedding party. She had us pose like a couple, and if you cropped everyone else out, it looked like a family portrait 🤣 He wasn’t even the groom I was paired with for the ceremony!
"I've been recording you and you try to Jim Crow my child one more time, I'm going to post it online"
This exactly, I'm not a big fan of weddings in the first place but, if I ever do have one I want people who I care about there dressed nicely but comfortably for THEM.
I am Danish and the wedding culture here is so much more chill, at least in my experience. I have enjoyed the weddings I have been to. Yet considering ALL of that, if I ever get married, I still want to elope at the courthouse.
I'm American and every wedding I've attended has been a relaxed, drama free affair. Most of them have been smaller. 50 people tops. One of them was hosted at the father of the bride's home. He has a large, finished garage. They rented a pavilion and had BBQ catered. It was a blast. We only ever hear about stories like this one because the normal ones aren't exciting. Like, the most exciting thing to happen at ours was when my wife spilled a glob of mustard on her dress.
I think I had the most dramatic wedding of all my friends... My heel broke on my way up the aisle. (So I kicked them off and got married barefoot.)
i thought it was gonna be an Achilles heel situation and your enemies used the opportunity to vanquish you, but that's much more tame
The biggest fuck up at our wedding was someone mistaking a chocolate truffle for a croquette, and dropping it in the fryer. The croquettes were nixed after that, it was impossible to save on the fly. I kinda love that this is what went wrong. Something will obviously go wrong, and at least this makes for a funny story.
Oh yeah. One of our favorite wedding pictures is my father in law on hands and knees dabbing at the mustard. Which wasn't in a very conspicuous place, and you had to be looking for it to see it by the time he was done. We laughed about it then. We laugh about it now.
Most weddings I've been to were pretty chill. The less chill there was the shorter the marriages tended to be. And it's so damn predictable.
This is exactly what my sister did for her wedding; it was relatively small, just close family (parents, siblings, kids, nieces/nephews, a couple aunts and uncles, and some cousins on the groom's side) and close friends. The dress code for guests was just to dress in something that looks nice. Our grandma wore a nice-looking coat because she doesn't own a lot of expensive stuff and she gets chilly easily. The wedding itself was almost entirely drama free. Our parents, who *despise* each other, acted incredibly civilly. They sat on opposite sides of the room with their backs to each other at dinner. It's really set my standards for how a wedding should go.
In my culture when you have a wedding, the bride and groom will buy traditional fabric and pay for everyone in the wedding party (brides side and grooms side) to get an outfit sewn in the style of their choosing. That way it fits the color scheme, but also gives the wearer the flexibility to choose something that they like and feel comfortable in (and can even wear again for another occasion).
This is why my wife and I eloped and had a small party with friends and family the following weekend. When my best friend got engaged she wanted a traditional wedding and told me she wanted me to be her MOH, but she knew I wouldn't want to be involved in any of the planning and I certainly wouldn't want to wear a dress in front of a hundred people. I told her she was absolutely correct and thought the bridesmaids she chose were perfect for the occasion. She did make me pose in a few of the photos and I'm in jeans and a sweater, but besides the one of her and her husband, the one of her and me is the only wedding photo that's framed and displayed in her house.
I'm Indian and attended hundreds of weddings till now. We have tons of drama but worrying about someone upstaging the bride had never been one of them.
I’m not an expert but I have the impression that upstaging an Indian bride would take some real work. Indian bridal fashions are gorgeous.
Yeah but in some areas brides wear simple sarees for mandap rituals at night and girls around her would be wearing heavy embroidered designer lenhega but still they can't upstage her. Brides look divine all the time especially if they are happy.
It’s true and you should say it. 👍🏻
Well considering our brides wear kilos of gold and sit in a throne like chair kinda hard to upstage.
My punjabi* friend showed me her cousin bridal photos. The cousin wore a pair of red Converse that had more gold than my entire jewelry box. *sorry if badly written
Can't disagree lol
I'm Indian as well, the drama is never about upstaging the bride. The fact that we write down how much each family gave is something I'll never get over
To be fair, how my family does it is making sure if a family gave us a lot, they gave back at least an equal amount for one of their family members weddings. If a lower-income family gave less we don't use that as an excuse to give less. Don't get me wrong some of it is catty, like if our family gave a lot and the other family is well-earning and they gave a little, the next wedding for their side they'd be slightly less generous.
My sister, who was one of my bridesmaids, shaved off all her hair about a week before my wedding- my nephew had leukaemia (thankfully he's had the all-clear now, and you'd never know to look at him what he'd been through) and was sad about losing his hair so she shaved hers off in solidarity. It never would have occurred to me to get upset about the "aesthetic"... I just really appreciated the fact that she and her husband arranged for him to be in hospital with their son that day so that she was still able to be there beside me on my wedding day. There are far more important things than looks.
One of my college friends has alopecia totalis. Already did when I met her. I don't think I've ever seen her with hair. Anyway, my mother's one moment during my wedding planning was suddenly saying, "omigod, is Sharon going to wear hair? She has to wear hair!" (Mind you, Sharon was a *guest*, not a bridesmaid). My reply was, "Mom, Sharon didn't even wear hair to her *own* wedding, I'm not going to make her do it for mine." She realized how ridiculous she was being and never mentioned it again. It was fine. But I'll always remember that ridiculous exchange. If you're curious, Sharon wore a full flower crown on her completely bald head at her wedding. Looked great.
To me I think it’s a good indicator of how a person truly is. Give them a day where they’re supposed to be in the spotlight + the stress of planning for it, then you find out what they really prioritize. Bridezilla behaviors weren’t just cultivated in a day, they’ve always been there beneath the surface and the wedding just reveals it.
Twenty years of indoctrination. You aren’t a real woman unless your wedding is perfect.
The wrong wedding attire has the power to cause mass amnesia among the guests. Do not attend weddings if you are allergic to weddings. Notify your doctor if you experience severe confusion, face blindness, and the inability to carry glasses of red wine. Side effects can be life threatening if weddings are attended in close proximity to another pregnant woman. People with main character syndrome should consult with a physician before planning a wedding. Ask your therapist if weddings are right for you.
I heard it in the pharmaceutical ad voice and everything
I'm not one for aesthetics myself, but my MOH was, and she took it upon herself not to smile in our wedding photos so her adult braces wouldn't be seen, assuming that's what I wanted. In truth, I was so disappointed when I got the pictures because she looks so unhappy. I just wanted everyone to look happy to celebrate with us.
My mom complained to me that my wedding wasn't expensive enough. My ring was like 50 bucks maybe, no diamond. The most expensive thing was the cake, my dress was bought at a Goodwill lol. I would rather spend a ton of money on a beautiful home than on a beautiful wedding
I have no idea… My wedding I’m breaking a lot of the traditional rules. Man of honour for me, best man for him. 2 bridesmaids and bridesmen, he has 4 groomswomen and most of them will be wearing suits. I’m giving them all swatches and telling them to find whatever they want that matches the colors. Idea being that everyone has different comfort tastes and views of what price is reasonable for a dress/suit they may not get to wear again so it’s not fair for me to impose a certain price on them. These are people we all love and cherish deeply, it’s why we’ve chosen them to be with us at the altar. They absolutely deserve to be looked after and comfortable - it’s a long day for them too and I prefer to look at photos in the future and see legitimate happiness.
They say that the groom dodged a bullet and it's true but it still has to hurt.
Sure, the groom still suffered some after-effects due effecting OOP mostly; but can't deny he dodge that racist nuke when came to his parents and any child(ren) they might have.
Their kids would have been white, since the groom was white & adopted by black parents. But yeah, can you imagine her unveiling her "Let's just leave your parents out of our pics" plan on their wedding day?
Wasn’t a complete dodge, dude was definitely grazed by that shot. He was in a relationship with the woman for quite a while.
That wasn't a bullet; that was an intercontinental ballistic missile...
a 155mm bullet, yes.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/155_mm_caliber (To save anyone else curious like me from having to google)
There's a book called The Hot Zone that contains a quote that I think is perfect for this situation: >"Did we dodge a bullet?" >"I don't think we did," Jahrling said. "The bullet hit us. We were just lucky that the bullet we took was a rubber bullet from a twenty-two rather than a dumdum bullet from a forty-five."
There's two layers of fucked up-ness to this. First, she was a racist, which is wrong. Second, she knew very well that her ex-fiancee wasn't racist and in fact had people of color in his closest family and friends circle, so they were incompatible because of his values and her hatred. Becoming aware of that, she chose to lie to him by omission and to try to manipulate his black best friend out of their lives while trying to pretend race wasn't the thing she had a problem with. I presume his parents would be next. The fact that you can be with someone for years, love the persona they present to you, and notice nothing has to be an extreme mindfuck. Like, why?
> my now ex nixed that > my husband was (note the past tense) I thought this update involved OOP’s marriage ending as a result of all of this at first.
So did I! I had to read it very carefully to the very end, and then scroll up to reread, in order to confirm her own marriage wasn't blown up in the process I can understand the grammatical misstep that made it read that way But oh boy what a ride Mad respect to her and everyone else involved outside of the bride for making a massive wonderful event out of the whole thing
Yeah, I think she meant “my now-ex *friend* nixed that by saying I’d stand out even more”.
Yeah, I went "Oh no, come on, don't tell me her husband and that 'friend' or the fiancé had an affair..." and was relieved when I realised she just forgot to type "friend".
I was wondering the same thing.
I think she forgot the word "friend" after the "ex". By the way, complete side issue, but I hope OOP reconsiders dying the dress - the kind of fabrics used for ballgowns usually don't take dyes well at all, and different parts of the dress will end up with completely different hues.
No. Her husband *was* best friend to the bride. That is no longer the case.
Narrator’s voice: *the bride is indeed racist*
Let us not sugar coat this. The narrator is Ron Howard
>narrator is Ron Howard David Attenborough.
Ice-T.
Even at many thousands of dollars paid that is a small price to find out what the bridezilla was all about. At least you kept one friend and have a crazy story
Saved money on the future divorce, if they would have gotten married.
And any potential kids
OOP “she’s not racist” Reddit “yeaaa she’s racist” OOP “yall she’s racist” 😂😂😂😂
I wonder if she was just in denial about one of her friends clearly being racist in her face. She said previously that she had to deal with the color appearance of clothing because her darker complexion. But with her friend clearly digging her heels in and escalating it more and more how did “damn, she might be racist” never cross OOP’s mind?
I feel like that’s the case for minorities. One of my friends (brown) and I (black) had a conversation about this. We’ve grown up in diverse spaces, some of them being predominantly white. I think when you’re a part of the latter environment, that denial exists to prevent yourself from sounding “sensitive” when you’re not. Other times, you truly don’t realize a person is being racist until later reflection, which is what my friend and I concluded for ourselves when talking about living in white spaces. The interesting part about it all is that while we don’t see the racism in that moment, white people— whether they be biased or not— do see it and move accordingly.
Good riddance. At least the freedom party was fun!
That poor groom. To think she hid her racism that long.
She thought she could start being herself, thinking groom wouldn't back out. Thank goodness she had a melt down before the wedding.
What’s more - her parents didn’t even raise her that way and were also appalled and humiliated by their own daughter.
What I’ve learned from my past in purity culture is that “we didn’t raise you that way” can mean something more like “we weren’t like that ourselves, but we also weren’t proactively checking what you were being exposed to when we weren’t around and trying to counteract it.” I grew up being trained to believe a whole lot of things my parents never would have chosen to teach me. They didn’t raise me to be like that, but the other people they allowed to be involved in my upbringing did. (My mom, upon learning about this, has reacted extremely well and she’s my strongest advocate, but it was a reminder that as a parent, you can’t just send your kids to school or church events and assume that everything they’re learning is stuff you’d choose to teach them.)
And his family is black!! No wonder he’s absolutely furious, they’ve had a relationship long and serious enough to get to marriage, and the whole time she’s basically been looking down on his family. Gross, poor guy.
What? This all happened in ONE DAY and OOP had time during this whole fiasco to sit down and write this out on Reddit? They were going to DYE the dress a different color?? The bride never saw MOH in the dress until the day of the wedding? All BS.
And despite the groom being raised in a Black family, there were but 3 Black people on the entire invite list?
This got me too. Surely the groom’s extended family would all be black too? Very confusing maths.
I had to scroll way too far for this
Yeah, lmao. It's a fun story, but... c'mon, floating dyeing the dress the *day of the wedding?* Bridezilla didn't want her there the whole time but waited until *the day of the wedding* to find an excuse to kick her out? The belated "I'm actually HIS friend and my husband is actually HER like-a-brother" details that only make it into the second update, but OP forgets to say anything about how the husband feels about his like-a-sister being a raging racist until she's asked about it in the comments, no mention of the fallout from having to get the word out to the entire guest list so they wouldn't show up expecting a wedding, the perfect-comeuppance of the *husband's* family bankrolling the wedding and Bridezilla's parents immediately turning their backs on her and offering to pay half because they're ashamed of the racist daughter they raised... Well, it'd make great TV!
What, you've never dyed a bridesmaid dress (note: won't fit anyone else due to my ginormous bazongas! I'm talking the size of your head!) on the day of the wedding and had it both dye evenly, streak free, and be ready to wear ALL on the day of the wedding?
Dying the dress herself *while" the other bridesmaids were getting their hair done. I think this person saw the optical illusion the other day where the drawing of the girl looks either white or black depending on the background (https://www.reddit.com/r/blackmagicfuckery/comments/1da8mdf/these_two_faces_supposed_to_be_the_same_color_but/) and created a whole story based on it.
How can you be like the tenth upvoted comment ? This is bloody ridiculous.
ya i made it about half way
also now whenever i see a post that has the OOP vehemently denying something negative about the person (they're not racist, we have a perfect marriage except, blah blah) now raises red flags. it's all just too perfect
Dye the dress the day before the wedding? I've done dyeing. That's a fairly time-consuming process. You can't just throw that kind of dress into the washing machine with a bottle of Rit. You need specific dyes depending on the material(s.) If OOP wants a professional-looking job, she'll need to hire a professional.
I’d have to guess that it’s likely none of them had actually ever dyed a dress so had no clue the time/effort/etc… but were trying to save a dumpster fire on the fly. Also, now that we know the end of the story, while the bride’s insistence on having someone else wear the gown doesn’t make sense if she consciously sabotaged the MOH, part of me wonders if it was an unconscious “I don’t really want you involved so I’m not going to pay attention to the details since you don’t matter” sort of thing. Especially if she was planning on steering most of the photos to be missing any black individuals.
That's where I checked out. There's absolutely no way that's happening on the day of the wedding.
OOP: “She’s not racist or anything.” Narrator voice: “She was, in fact, racist.”
It happens so often it's basically Chekhov's racist
Is there a requirement that all of the white children adopted by black parents have to be featured in drama stories posted on Reddit?
Yeah that's something that didn't check out for me either. Like, OOP is the only black person in the wedding party and one of the only black people at the wedding BUT the groom was adopted by a black couple? Does the groom's family not have like, literally any other black person in it that would have been in the wedding party or even invited?? Siblings, uncles, aunts, cousins, etc. Unless the groom's parents were each in turn adopted by white families lololol
I was thinking that -- white child black adoptive parents is ridiculously rare. I mean, the majority is a white couple that split up and a black step parent adopts the kids -- straight up "child is removed from white family and is adopted by black family" is vanishingly rare. (I feel like 3 people are gonna appear and be like "I know 72 families who have this dynamic" and I love that for them but *statistically overall* it is very rare.) AND expected to be able to dye her custom super-yuge-magna-titty-compatible dress and have it perfectly ready before the wedding like tomorrow??
So many holes in this story. How does someone have the time at an event like this to tell this story in a concise and eleborate way, and update on the same day? How is the MOH dress a carbon copy of the brides dress and only 350 dollars? How did the super-yuge-magna-titty-compatible dress get ordered but not tried on at least once before the wedding day?
> AND expected to be able to dye her custom super-yuge-magna-titty-compatible dress and have it perfectly ready before the wedding like tomorrow?? The wedding *that night.* All of this drama supposedly happened the morning of the wedding. OOP saw people floating the idea of dyeing the dress in the comments, didn't realize it was a bullshit suggestion in the first place, and just had to fold it into part two without realizing it made the entire thing crumble even before you get to the "so your white friend raised by black parents doesn't have, like, any black cousins or aunts or grandparents that would also be at the wedding, huh?"
I’m a big fan of all these stories where OOP starts off with “So I just want to be clear that my friend/parent/significant other isn’t [insert some hateful/harmful attitude/behavior]. We have a great relationship!” Then the Reddit comments are “but they kinda are though?” And then the thrilling update: “So it turns out that they *were* a piece of shit the whole time and our relationship is over.”
"I'd say we were consoling the groom but we weren't he was too busy ranting about dodging a bullet." I hear that.
I wonder what got into her. I mean, her parents are appalled, her "closest thing to a sibling" is married to a Black woman, her husband-to-be has Black parents. If this is the first time any of them realize she's racist to this level, it's gotta be a recent development.
Chances are, she had a bunch of micro-aggressions that people never picked up or just overlooked. I doubt she truly hid it at all times; just OP and family never had enough moments in a row for them to put the pieces together.
exactly what im wondering too, its like shes been a closet racist her wholelife and then the wedding and the power that comes with being a bride, made her inner racist come out or smth ahaha
Who tf dyes a dress _the day of the wedding_
It was a good day to dye.
I vehemently hate the notion that real = biological, and family = blood.
Omg. My husband’s entire group of groomsmen was white. My braidsmaids were a mix of brown and white. The darkest woman was Indian. I told my braidsmaids to wear whatever they wanted that made them feel comfortable. My friend wore a BEAUTIFUL purple dress that had little sparkles in it. I told her she looked wonderful and her boyfriend showed up in a vest that was the same color. I got very teary eyed (I was pregnant at the time of my wedding lmao) and told them they were so cute and I loved them. Anyway, she was the darkest person in the entire wedding party, wore a darker dress than anybody else, and nobody cared. Literally not one person cared. My maid of honor was gassing her up lol. If you are worried about what people might think about a non-white person being in your group, you are not as accepting as you think you are.