Im really scared that I wont ever find someone new but at the same time I wasn’t looking when I found my ex, they just appeared in my life. It will take time and lots of struggling but eventually everything will be ok.
I resonate with you so much about this. My ex just appeared into my life, when I wasn’t even looking. We weren’t going for each other. We became friend then bestfriend and we started dating. Everything was so natural and beautiful. That’s why I ‘m scared as well because this is the best way that things could have turned out in my opinion.
Yeah, we started talking and got really close during the summer after graduation and right before my 18th birthday I just asked if she would see a movie with me. Everything just felt so easy and perfect.
Although I worry that it will never be that easy again have to reassure myself if it happened to me once it can happen to me again. Love is beautiful and eventually I will have it again :)
One more of the same crew here. I've been thinking that it sure would be nice to share my time with someone again and I already downloaded Tinder to do something about it after new year-celebrations have passed. But oh how can it feel like looking a pile if bricks that I'm supposed to start building a castle, all over again. Check the soil, is it firm enough to even begin with the foundation. And maybe then, in right conditions, piece by piece..
Man where I'm from, I have a better shot at walking to the moon than finding someone on Tinder. Add a dash of being a homebody, a sprinkle of introversion and I have a stew of loneliness going!
:(
Same. With the same repeated cycle of getting to know each other and then dating and being emotionally vulnerable and investing so much time and mental space only for one day when they tell you that they can't do this anymore. It's mentally exhausting.
I’m not so much scared to, as I really just don’t want to. There are a lot of things I’d like to work on and through before I ever do that, and even then I’d have to meet someone who allows me to feel something similar to what she did. It’ll take a few years I think but honestly that’s okay.
Definitely! I've had a few relationships now. I'm in my early 40's. This last one broke me. I'm done. I fell head over heels in love with him over our 7 yrs together. Planning to move in together in a year and a half, then he threw me away for a girl he had been cheating on me with. He moved in with her 11 weeks after he broke up with me.
I can't handle any more men treating me like this. :(
Thanks. I keep trying to move on from him, but my heart is set. It sucks.
I wish you well! (((hugs)))
I had an emotionally-abusive relationship for 15 1/2 yrs (married that a**). Then I dated for a few years. Then I met the love of my life and he did this to me.
I’m so sorry, but also so proud of you for having had the courage to leave your long-term relationship and to meet new people! You’re strong enough to do it again and this time it wouldn’t be wasted!
I am in my late 40s, and I spent 21 years with her. I don't think I can trust anyone that comes into my life any more. I feel really exhausted after giving her all that I can give her.
I am sorry for what you are going thru. Sending you hugs
Same. I'm in my mid-40s and this last one completely broke me, too. I feel like I'm never going to trust anyone else enough to fall in love again. And it's really sad, because I want that in my life. I just don't know if it's possible anymore.
I’m sorry I’m in a very similar position. I’ll be 30 next month, I was with my ex for 10 years and after it was over I learned about his cheating ways. He started dating somebody else 10 days after we broke up (only lasted 2 months though). I’m now exactly 5 months post breakup and can’t imagine dating again.
I started dating recently after 6 months of being broken up. It’s so hard. My therapist encouraged me to try, but every time I meet someone new I end up comparing them to him. And every time it doesn’t work out it feels like salt to the already fragile wound.
Yup - but I'm 34 and divorced for several years, we waited a year for him to meet my kids and 2 months after he did he ghosted us, never telling them goodbye. So yeah, I NEVER want to date again.
What a shitty thing to do. I’m so sorry for you & your kids - you did your best to protect them. I hope they’re able to understand that, and that you can turn it into a ‘teachable moment’ for them.
It’s unfortunate that sometimes, the people we think we can trust disappoint us, but it is an important lesson to learn, I guess.
I hope 2020 brings you the honest love and companionship you deserve 💛
Wanted to scroll down, but I felt a tug in my heart for you. I'm sorry that this has happened to you. It's like the camel's back was broken by this last straw! People can be so callous and rude, without having any consideration for what another person feels. It's a lack of respect for you and the children. It's clearly very, very selfish indeed! So, amidst other thoughts in my mind, I'm wondering if you really want to hand power over your life to such a SELFISH and undeserving imitation of a man?!!! Shouldn't you be celebrating and thankful that this wild animal missed having you for dinner?! Take back the power, he doesn't deserve you nor what you do in the future. Give thanks! All the best luck in your dating.👍💐
Im in the same boat. Just got dumped two weeks ago from a 4 year relationship. I thought she was my bestfriend and companion. I trusted her so much, i thought we could talk about anything. And then she dumps me because i havnt given her enough of my time.
I dont think i can date anymore. Im leaving to the Navy just because i cant bare to stay and watch my life unfurl into a depressing state. Im 27 and she was my first girlfriend. i thought she was the one i would marry and have kids with
Yeah the first love you have that majorly disrespects you is often the worst pain you’ve felt thus far.. Just take it as a learning experience.. They just weren’t meant to be your forever person.. So get out there, learn as much as you can about communication and relationships, and date like crazy.. Have fun with it, and remember no one out there is exactly like you, and that’s ok because you are beautiful in your own way. One day you’ll likely meet someone that will move you in a way that you can’t even fathom right now.. Ot gets better most of the time, so give it a good chance.. Don’t get bitter.
Yes, I’m always scared to be vulnerable with someone again. I just hope they are giving me a version of their selves that I can relate to and grow with. I had very shitty luck recently and I’m
very jaded with every new person that comes in my life. They don’t allow themselves to date me because they’re still mourning for someone else; which is completely unfair and I don’t enjoy their lack of emotional presence when with me.
All I ask for is for a fair chance and an open opportunity.
I feel you. I had a 14 year relationship end and I took my ex back after he left me for a year after we were together 8 years. Then the last year and a half he started a new job and slowly started withdrawing all physical and verbal affection from me and made me feel like a burden to him. I walked away when he gave me a fake ultimatum to move away from my job, family, and friends so he could persue his career in another state. At that point I knew that was his way of ending it.
I kept trying, but the breaking point was when I went over to his house to stay the night and he wouldn't even sit next to me or touch me. He literally slept like 2 feet away from me and I cried for hours. In the morning I grabbed my things and left. He was my only boyfriend for my whole life and I'm having a hard time adjusting to life without him as my partner and best friend. I am working on myself, but I am scared to death to date again because I hear so many stories of love dying. I don't know how to choose a lasting relationship. I want to be happily married one day to a lifelong partner and am trying to improve myself to attract the right mate. Time will tell.
Yeah me never ever thought such person could leave me that too after 8 years of relationship, i am in so much pain now i can't think of anything can't work just lost. I can never trust a person ever who can love the way i loved her and gave all my time. They way she broke with me after such a long relationship on nov 17 last mnth she tells i am getting engaged to someone next mnth which she did on 12 dec and getting married in march 2020 for a week i thought she was franking me becoz she was good at it. U can just imagine life is just after all this i still can't what really did happen.
She didn't even gave me a proper explaination. All i know she could have stopped everything and do ryt she was just a coward who let go everything in just 7 days. That may be arranged shit but who let goes 8years in days. Actually my mind still can't process any of these things.
Man I've had a few relationships it this last one that ended last January has scared me to the point idk if I'll date again for a few years. Mostly my fault but still.
Overall, yes, I am terrified to date again.
But also in a strange way, there’s a part of me that’s excited by the idea of this vast new world of being single.
Like an explorer setting out to sea after surviving a shipwreck. With no clue of what could possibly await, but knowing there is *something* that awaits. So many yet-unheard of discoveries to be made, but always cautious of the sea’s unforgiving nature.
Then you realize your wreck was not the only one and start swimming through the never ending debris of other people's relationships. See all their missteps. See that they have not learned form their mistakes. See that they are bound to add new wrecks to the ocean. Slowly realizing that you are looking for a treasure island.
I just had a breakup 2 days back and I completely feel you bro. The only thing to do right now is to distract yourself as much as possible in a healthy way. Eat chocolate if you feel anxious and devastated (helped me a little bit). Spend time with friends who are motivated. They will help you pass through this.
And about finding someone later, that's going to be hard but it'll find you again. I'm optimistic and i hope you find the strength within you to mentally accept the situation and move forth.
You only look forward, not back wards in situations like these! :)
I am done. I am in my late 40s. I feel exhausted. I don't think I can trust anyone. Getting broken up after a 21 year relationship just broke me. I don't think I can do it anymore
I’m so sorry. I could only imagine how much courage one would need to recover from this. I truly hope that you will make it through in the end. Another commenter recommended this song to me: https://youtu.be/78pH07RFqmY And I think it’s worth listening to for everyone in this sub!
Just because the wrong person doesn’t love you doesn’t mean no one else will. I thought the same and it’s not like you have to date immediately, in time you’ll recover and someone will treat you how you deserve. Don’t give up on love ❤️ best wishes!
Haha I think that too! But I also think that although it sounds cheesy, everything happens for a reason. My ex is a good person but had so many flaws and selfish issues going on that I couldn’t even comprehend to you. I wasn’t top priority on his list and he did not even ask me how my day was when all I would care about is him. I am now dating around and experimenting and what not and deciding what I like. I went on a date with a guy and although it went better in my head and I kinda messed it up a little, the little things he did meant the world to me and I barley know him. He would text me, telling me he’s sorry he hasn’t talked to me in a few days due to work, his office had some baked goods brought in and before we met up he asked me what I wanted, when he saw me for the first time he acted like a gentleman, asked me how finals were going, asked me how xyz was and how my life was I just met him like two weeks ago and he seemed to care and listen more than someone I was dating and seeing for 1+ years. It really opened up my mind that yeah my ex was fine for the most part but he was selfish and didn’t understand or even ask how I was doing when I would care about him and his family a lot. He also wasn’t nice to me one of the last times I saw him when I needed help the most and I was emotionally and physically struggling to which he replied, “look up the word ‘need’ and tell me if you actually need me. There was also a 6 year age gap (he’s 27 and I’m pushing 22) and he never said anything about it until the end when he would say things such as:
-“one day when your my age you will get why things didn’t work out”
He didn’t mean it in a mean way but the way he said how since he’s so much older he was so different when he was my age and not belittling me but the way I thought was the way he thought at my age or around my age and how he’s learned and moved on from thinking childishly.
The right guy I believe wouldn’t question coming over or complain about it. He would offer support and be there instead of having a stick up his ass. There are better people out there, I promise.
Yes I did but we broke up. He was and is still someone special to me and I hope we meet in another life.
Also reading my comment and now that I’m 26, I would never go for someone who’s 21/22 and maybe he had a point - I understand why it would never work out with someone who’s rude to you. I hope you find someone special:)
I’m sorry your ex wasn’t the best. It’s definitely not normal for him to never ask or care about your life. You guys were supposed to do that for each other, not just you. Your current date seems to be doing great, but that’s honestly the standard. I’m sorry you didn’t receive this proper treatment earlier.
I don’t know if I’m scared, but I’m tired. I can’t stomach the thought of having to get to know someone, open myself up, and be vulnerable to a stranger. It’s so exhausting to even think about it. I’ve been single for 14 months and frequently think about how nice it would be to have someone, but I’m wondering if I’m ever going to get past the point of feeling so tired of it all.
It doesn’t help that everyone nowadays seems to think drinking and smoking weed are personality traits
Why would you let toxicity impact on your life? Not all people are the same,not everyone does the things that your ex did. No one pushes you to get into another relationship as long as you dont gain the trust into yourself. Take some time to heal ,when i say "heal" i dont mean just sit inside whole day and do nothing,i mean let yourself be free okay? Like let that soul feel every possible feeling and you will understand that in life everything happens. You are the one who can make yourself capable of moving on from any situation
Feelings are okay but sometimes we are missing the right people cuz we think that everyone is goin to hurt us . No no no,you can do it again. Fail,and then do it again. Do it again as long as you have the chance. And never regret it. Never. What is yours will stay. What is not,it will fly away.
I totally understand, dating seems terrifying right now. I normally jump from one serious relationship to the next but it’s almost not worth it because I’ll always be a person no can love.
I 100% agree and can relate to jumping from one serious thing to the next. This time I made it a plan to stay single for a while, not because I don't have the opportunity to date anyone else, but because I need a break. I need to relearn how to love myself, without the validation that I'm worthy from someone else. It's exhausting pouring myself into someone just to be heartbroken the next year.
I’m scared and exhausted really, I don’t want to risk getting hurt like and putting myself through that again. But at the same time, call me naive but i feel like my next relationship will be OK. I know what I want/need in my life now and self love will always come first now for sure
Yes im so frightened to start a new relationship. I have issues with abandonment and trust. As I was in a emotionally abusive relationship and I know in my head what he did was wrong but it still doesn't feel that way. I am so frightened to be abandoned with my daughter again I don't want her to have to deal with it too.
I think it’s been 2 something years and I still have 0 desire to date anyone after getting cheated on.
I’m in therapy and it’s helping but I haven’t made the move yet because physical appearance has not been the best
It's a weird concept to me. I want to, but I dont know what I want. Some days I think "fuck it maybe I should sleep around" and other days I'm like "man it sure would be awesome to cuddle and kiss on the couch with a shitty comedy on in the background and then have a deep meaningful conversation." One things for certain: I do not like being alone. At all. I've come to terms with myself. I don't hate myself. I go to therapy like a big boy. But I just dont like being alone. Cant do it. Not a validation thing, I just really miss the feeling of having someone else around.
Mixed emotions really - I think the things that were said to me, gave me no other option but to wise up and "grow a pair" (as she so kindly said) but I think on that note, I'll be more perceptive of the things they say or do/or the things they don't say or do; given I have anxious attachment I gloss these things over way too much, and don't value myself.
How she acted or slowly distanced herself did hurt like hell and still does, and I dread potentially dreaming about her and knowing how it's going to make me feel the next day, but I know we weren't right for one another either and we were caught up in an anxious/avoidant dance with one-sided communication to TRY and bridge that gap.
I don't like forcing the idea of dating either, would rather try and meet someone organically, whether it be through mutual friends and so on.But at the same time I'm in no rush I still want to heal and be a better kind of me, equipped with better tools so I can find better matches.
There's no shame in feeling broken up inside, everyone feels differently and there is no shortcut to healing sadly, we have to face the grief head on; just know there are people in similar situations, so it's good to talk and see what other people have to say, and reflect.
I know the time will come, but right now thinking about anyone else seems repellant and just wrong. From where I am right now, no one else will remotely compare.
Just wanted to let you know that this is exactly how I felt after my first relationship. Then about half a year later I met a new girl. I was almost too scared to go on our first date but my best friend convinced me to do it. Everything worked out and I ended up falling in love with that girl. Everything was perfect until things started falling apart. We ended up breaking up but the point of the story was that you can love again. That was her purpose in my life, to show me that I could love again. I'm now going on a date with someone new tomorrow. I don't feel nervous because I've done this all before..... and I know that I can love again.
Also, I really like "I'll be ok" by Nothing More. The lyrics "I'm learning to heal with a heart wide open" seem to give me inspiration for better days! https://youtu.be/78pH07RFqmY
Ah, thank you so much for your song recommendation! The line “How do you speak when you feel outspoken” describes my feelings with the relationship prior to the breakup way too well. The rest of the song is just as powerful. Thanks again! I wish you the best.
Nope I was wasn't because I try my best to be positive and do things that make me happy, first girlfriend ended a 3 year relationship for someone else and here I am dating this girl i love for 1 and half months now, I think nothing can break me now so HEADS UP 😎🤙
I think everyone initially feels the same. But trust me you eventually move on be it a few months or a year you will move on and find someone new. Don’t sweat it.
Yes, I would be lying if I said otherwise. The truth is I cannot imagine loving anyone as much as I loved my ex. He had been that missing puzzle piece; the answer to the question of myself. I had believed in us wholeheartedly. A part of me, to this day, even still does. It is because this person continues to haunt me.
Said ex-boyfriend has reached out to me several times post breakup, though it's been quite some time since we have dated. 4 years this December since he let me go actually. It was an ugly detached delivery he gave that night too. I had ridden over 6 hours to visit him on his birthday a week before Christmas only to be told I wasn't needed any more. Together almost 3 years. All for a coworker he knew for a hot minute.
There is, of course, more to my story. So much more. Each have left me reeling in ways I do not wish to describe. Not tonight. Some are cliched. You can fill in the dots on those. Others were unique to me and my experience with him. All have left their indelible mark upon my memory.
The point is the ex has continued to contact me despite the extremely hurtful way in which he ended things. He finds me. I do not seek him out. I respected his space post breakup and do so after he expresses missing me then abruptly disappears from my world again. His behavior since his numerous broken promises as well as deceptions since that night in December have destroyed my ability to trust.
I know that, logically, I should ignore him if he ever says anything again. (It is one of the many reasons I am in therapy.) My heart is sadly an illogical mess and a bit of an idiot though. It barely listens to me on a *good* day, let alone an emotional day. So, foolishly, I feed the love I somehow yet carry for him.
A love that always *always* lies. It says, "This time he'll either show some sincerity and apologize to me or admit he made a mistake." He never does. And I lie to myself thinking I am accepting his friendship as proof of how ambivalent I am to his behavior. Nothing at all changes. He abruptly stops all communication after playing with my heart then I must once more adjust to the abandonment and shame.
As much as I want to believe there is someone else that could love me as much as I had thought my ex did, well, I remain wary. I know that I will not put myself through another relationship where I love another person with every shred of myself only to be treated suddenly and unfairly as if I were an embarrassment. I also grow tired of fighting for my place in someone's heart. Love shouldn't be a fight.
I never wanted constant turmoil and I'm afraid the future shall only give me more of the same. All I had ever wanted was to grow old with my best friend. I had thought I had found him finally, but here I am alone instead. Said bff pulled another runner on me earlier and I've got plenty of tears left to shed while I contemplate on my next move. Hint: It involves sad music and maybe a pint of ice cream.
I totally understand the shame. I’m not sure how people get stronger after a breakup but I really do just feel more worthless. We’re all somewhat trapped in our own bubbles, so from an objective outsider’s view, please try not to respond to your ex’s “games” anymore.
Sad music and ice cream are the best. Hope you enjoy.
I'll try to be strong. It's difficult considering our history and the fact he seems repentant in the moment. If only happy endings came easy, right?
Thank you for your kindness by the way. It has meant more than you'll likely know.
I woke up with this exact same thought today. I keep seeing red flags everywhere I go. I try to remember that people are good in nature. But damn it, it is hard to close my eyes to all the bad behaviours I see. People have dropped all sense of morality and common sense, for what seems imminent fun.
It is slowly reinforced that I should not enter a relationship with anyone. I should take it slow. I find a lot of people attractive but the amount of red flags they exhibit (ones I have chosen to ignore in my ex), I might as well be living in the USSR. I am not about to walk in the same trap. I will be hurt and alone for the time being.
I think more than being scared to date, it's more I'm scared my ex has ruined my ability to date if I ever do date again since he was my first love. Even if I do find someone again, which will happen, I'm worried it will go well and then out of the blue I'll think of my ex and the relationship will be shattered from my past feelings. We had a complicated history and "broke up" twice. I still feel the hurt from when we broke up the first time.
Oh my, same, we broke up twice, and even after the first (and probably only, even tho that’s not what I want) get-back-together, I was still hurt from the feelings of the first break up. The second and current one is much worse in comparison, this is the one that traumatized me and I’m just afraid I will take years to overcome it while they’ve already moved on in weeks.
Our situations are so similar, I agree so much with what you say. To be honest, I thought by getting back together, it would have healed my heart from the break up the first time round, but it didn't. Although I got a bit of what I wanted from dating again, I think it left a bigger void that I missed him after the second break up. Sometimes I think about us dating again even though our history got a lot more complicated by dating again.
Man do I feel you. Except that when we got back together I was actually slowly healing from the hurt of the first breakup, trying to get used to not looking at the past (whether it be photos or memories we’ve shared) with pain as I did during the breakup, and then the second one happened and everything just went right back to square one. The emotional roller coaster was exhausting and heartbreaking to say the least.
And you’re right. Dating again resulted in more problems discovered and this time it was ended with somewhat different reasons as the first time. Sometimes I wish we didn’t get back together so soon and maybe we would’ve had a different outcome than this.
I hope you, well, we all, find the courage to see people as individuals and distinguish them. It’s scary, but perhaps it would be worth it. We might still get heartbroken, but at least we know we could go through it alive. Even though this feeling is truly...way too intense and debilitating. Sorry I can’t be more helpful.
I am surprisingly not too worried about (since i worry about everything lol) finding someone awesome again, but I am worried how to go about trusting someone again. Things could be going great for a year and then boom receive a text that its over while you're driving home from work :(
Same here, I'm scared to date again because trust issues and the fact my first boyfriend left me for the same person twice. I had trust issues already so this just put my mindset into major lockdown though I'm slowly trying to loosen the security checks I put in place. More so over I asked him out in a moment of fear of loneliness and I'm afraid from here on out all my dates will be an action of impulse or end up failing in the same way because I end up having an attraction to guys who parallel him.
I trusted my ex to take his second chance seriously and he used me like play dough to entertain himself while waiting for his real love to get interested in him again.
I'm afraid of becoming sloppy seconds again basically, or corrupting what ever future dates I somehow manage by my obsession with future mistrust and tiny signs that I might overanalyze as bad things to come, or dating basically a clone of my ex.
The only thing that makes me not shy away fully from the concept now is the more daunting concept of loneliness.
I completely understand your second to last paragraph. Ah, the tiny signs, the triggers, and traumatizing memories and experiences? Don’t you wish you could erase your memories and start over?
Yes! A million times yes! After my very first boyfriend broke up with me I took about 6 months for myself and I ended up in another relationship. I had so much baggage from my first boyfriend, I couldn’t give the second guy want he wanted in terms of a relationship. I was so cold and I was never myself with him. I ended that relationship because I was still hurt from the first one. I’m still trying to recover but it’s not easy.
I feel this way too. Though for me, I also feel afraid I’ll mess the relationship all up again, as it was my mistake that ended the relationship. I thought we would be lifelong partners, but I was reminded how there is no garuntee. I wish you so much healing!
It's not that I'm scared. It's just not something I'm interested in anymore. I've become jaded towards it all.
I have a lot of work I need to do to pick myself up again. Like, a lot. Even the basic shit isn't in place. I've neglected myself for years and just let everything go. Things have sunk down to the point where it's not even possible for a normal, healthy person to love someone like me.
The last thing I need right now is a bunch of obligations and commitments to someone else. Having to do things I don't want to do, live in places I don't want to be, work jobs that drive me crazy, act in certain ways so as to minimize the amount of bitching going into my ear. Constant criticism and scrutiny. Days ruined by arguments. Taking on someone else's money problems, body image shit, insecurities, hangups, issues. Those things broke my heart and ruined me. I will take this vow of loneliness, because what I truly need is to spend my time, energy and money on myself.
Same here. 5 years. She was my first everything. She said she would wait for me while I was in the navy, that the future we planned was beautiful and that she wanted to marry me. 2 months after shes in college she 'needs space' and then boom she drops everything and tells me I never did enough for her. My heart is broken and I know that I wont be in another relationship for at least 4 years. I will be a completely different person, i dont really know how to approach a woman it was so easy when i was just 15. I feel so inadequate and like I will never be able to trust someone that tells me she loves me.
I am 100%. I'm really drawn to you language of " I can’t trust romantic partners and that I could be loved anymore. I trusted my ex so much". I see a lot of myself in this; I gave my ex all of the power to determine my value, my confidence and my trust. Losing him meant I lost those things too. What has helped me the most has been going to therapy and building the trust with myself. I am learning to trust that I innately retain value and am worthy of love and confidence. This is hard to accept, especially after a break up. But it's been the catalyst of a healing journey for me -- healing in terms of this break up and long term self esteem.
Developing this foundation of trusting myself has given me the strength to begin exploring questions like "what are the qualities I need in someone else to trust them?", "how do I want my future partner to interact with me to communicate the love and value me?". Again, I am exploring this with the guidance of a therapist.
These questions can be hard to answer, but I found them incredibly healing because they give me more control and hope for my future. I think to gain back that trust, you have to start with trusting yourself, and for me, these questions have been a good way to embolden that intrapersonal relationship.
Im afraid ill lost my sense of self again, and that ill be living day to day wondering if I got the metaphorical cannon pointed at me. Did i do something wrong? Will she constantly show me her lack of trust? Will she project her own insecurities onto me?
I don’t want to lose myself again, I just got me back.
Hey, thanks for sharing your feelings. I just replied to another commenter that I’ve certainly moved on a bit as time went on. And I was very paranoid and obsessive with the relationship after the breakup at first (months and months) as well, but it has definitely gotten better with time. I hope your wounds heal soon.
Hey, thanks for reminding me that this post exists. Reminding me that I’ve in fact moved on a bit. I unfortunately have yet to find another person but definitely would like to date again in the future. Hope everything goes well for you.
Not so much scared but confident that I won't date again.
I've been single for a while. Seven years, to be exact. All of the romantic relationships that I have had failed in one way or another. There was a third party in the picture, the situation turned abusive, so on so forth. The fact that I'm also ~~autistic~~ is probably another reason why my relationships keep failing.
Otherwise, I just don't bother. Relationships are a waste of time.
Dating Is a huge waste of time. Focus on improving your hobbies or making more money..
People spend way too much time trying to play with other people's private parts imo.
Scared to be hurted again. When my ex left me, I was very hurted especially it was my first relationship too. I didn't see this coming. Now, I start to have trust issues when it comes to be in a relationship again.
Hey, you might’ve noticed that this is an old post. If it helps at all, I no longer feel scared to date. I’m still not 100% over my ex, and due to circumstances I haven’t dated anyone new since, but that’s because I have personal issues to work on. Once I get these sorted though, I’m very hopeful and excited to date again. I could experience love with other people, not just that one person.
During middle-high school I asked out like 5+ girls and got rejected by all of them. Except one who was the only girl I ever got even slightly close to, just didn't know what I was doing and we stopped talking/dating after a few months. I haven't even tried to approach anyone since. My self esteem is nonexistent and I'm paralyzed by the fear of getting hurt again, as much as I long for that kind of connection
I’m sorry to hear that, I hope you recognize your self worth and gather the courage to love again. When I made this post I thought my love life was over as well, but today I hope for the opposite. You can do this too!
I'm dating this new girl and I can say she is totally different than my ex. I found her online but we clicked right away and guess what, I went to meet her and I think so far so good.
Honestly yeah, I have a hard time finding my type, which I know what exactly it is. It’s been like 10 months but I’m just not ready and not even wanting to look for someone, however, I do feel I’m getting there slow and steady.
My ex pursued me, got me pregnant then broke up with me because I wasn’t ok with his disrespect towards our relationship and tried to talk about it with him but we always fought. Now we have a child together and he claims he’s staying single but, TBH it feels like we are both having a “let’s see who will stay single forever” challenge
Im really scared that I wont ever find someone new but at the same time I wasn’t looking when I found my ex, they just appeared in my life. It will take time and lots of struggling but eventually everything will be ok.
I resonate with you so much about this. My ex just appeared into my life, when I wasn’t even looking. We weren’t going for each other. We became friend then bestfriend and we started dating. Everything was so natural and beautiful. That’s why I ‘m scared as well because this is the best way that things could have turned out in my opinion.
Yeah, we started talking and got really close during the summer after graduation and right before my 18th birthday I just asked if she would see a movie with me. Everything just felt so easy and perfect. Although I worry that it will never be that easy again have to reassure myself if it happened to me once it can happen to me again. Love is beautiful and eventually I will have it again :)
tbh i'm more exhausted than scared.
Hear hear. The very prospect of having to do *everything* all over again is just...tiring.
One more of the same crew here. I've been thinking that it sure would be nice to share my time with someone again and I already downloaded Tinder to do something about it after new year-celebrations have passed. But oh how can it feel like looking a pile if bricks that I'm supposed to start building a castle, all over again. Check the soil, is it firm enough to even begin with the foundation. And maybe then, in right conditions, piece by piece..
Man where I'm from, I have a better shot at walking to the moon than finding someone on Tinder. Add a dash of being a homebody, a sprinkle of introversion and I have a stew of loneliness going! :(
Same. With the same repeated cycle of getting to know each other and then dating and being emotionally vulnerable and investing so much time and mental space only for one day when they tell you that they can't do this anymore. It's mentally exhausting.
Me too
I’m not so much scared to, as I really just don’t want to. There are a lot of things I’d like to work on and through before I ever do that, and even then I’d have to meet someone who allows me to feel something similar to what she did. It’ll take a few years I think but honestly that’s okay.
Definitely! I've had a few relationships now. I'm in my early 40's. This last one broke me. I'm done. I fell head over heels in love with him over our 7 yrs together. Planning to move in together in a year and a half, then he threw me away for a girl he had been cheating on me with. He moved in with her 11 weeks after he broke up with me. I can't handle any more men treating me like this. :(
I’m so sorry. Honestly what the fuck. How could people do this shit to others? Seriously what the fuck?
Thanks. I keep trying to move on from him, but my heart is set. It sucks. I wish you well! (((hugs))) I had an emotionally-abusive relationship for 15 1/2 yrs (married that a**). Then I dated for a few years. Then I met the love of my life and he did this to me.
I’m so sorry, but also so proud of you for having had the courage to leave your long-term relationship and to meet new people! You’re strong enough to do it again and this time it wouldn’t be wasted!
I am in my late 40s, and I spent 21 years with her. I don't think I can trust anyone that comes into my life any more. I feel really exhausted after giving her all that I can give her. I am sorry for what you are going thru. Sending you hugs
Same. I'm in my mid-40s and this last one completely broke me, too. I feel like I'm never going to trust anyone else enough to fall in love again. And it's really sad, because I want that in my life. I just don't know if it's possible anymore.
I’m sorry I’m in a very similar position. I’ll be 30 next month, I was with my ex for 10 years and after it was over I learned about his cheating ways. He started dating somebody else 10 days after we broke up (only lasted 2 months though). I’m now exactly 5 months post breakup and can’t imagine dating again.
Almost the same. 10 years with a guy. Broke up. He got Engaged 6 months later. Now married.
Did they’re relationship last?
I don't know. He has texted one word to me since mid-July - "Ok".
Guy I was seeing for 10 years broke it off with me and got engaged to another girl 6 months later.
That's horrible! I'm so sorry!
I started dating recently after 6 months of being broken up. It’s so hard. My therapist encouraged me to try, but every time I meet someone new I end up comparing them to him. And every time it doesn’t work out it feels like salt to the already fragile wound.
yeah, i was traumatized for years. didn't date anyone for nearly a decade. don't be like me. wasn't worth it.
It’s so scary. I can’t go through this again.
Yup - but I'm 34 and divorced for several years, we waited a year for him to meet my kids and 2 months after he did he ghosted us, never telling them goodbye. So yeah, I NEVER want to date again.
What a shitty thing to do. I’m so sorry for you & your kids - you did your best to protect them. I hope they’re able to understand that, and that you can turn it into a ‘teachable moment’ for them. It’s unfortunate that sometimes, the people we think we can trust disappoint us, but it is an important lesson to learn, I guess. I hope 2020 brings you the honest love and companionship you deserve 💛
Wanted to scroll down, but I felt a tug in my heart for you. I'm sorry that this has happened to you. It's like the camel's back was broken by this last straw! People can be so callous and rude, without having any consideration for what another person feels. It's a lack of respect for you and the children. It's clearly very, very selfish indeed! So, amidst other thoughts in my mind, I'm wondering if you really want to hand power over your life to such a SELFISH and undeserving imitation of a man?!!! Shouldn't you be celebrating and thankful that this wild animal missed having you for dinner?! Take back the power, he doesn't deserve you nor what you do in the future. Give thanks! All the best luck in your dating.👍💐
I’m scared I’ll never love anyone the way I loved him
“Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.” - Maya Angelou
Beautiful quote. But it seems impossible right now. All I want is to get back with them.
Im in the same boat. Just got dumped two weeks ago from a 4 year relationship. I thought she was my bestfriend and companion. I trusted her so much, i thought we could talk about anything. And then she dumps me because i havnt given her enough of my time. I dont think i can date anymore. Im leaving to the Navy just because i cant bare to stay and watch my life unfurl into a depressing state. Im 27 and she was my first girlfriend. i thought she was the one i would marry and have kids with
Damn near the same thing happened to me. I’m so sorry. We can get through this!
How are you doing 3 years later?
Yeah the first love you have that majorly disrespects you is often the worst pain you’ve felt thus far.. Just take it as a learning experience.. They just weren’t meant to be your forever person.. So get out there, learn as much as you can about communication and relationships, and date like crazy.. Have fun with it, and remember no one out there is exactly like you, and that’s ok because you are beautiful in your own way. One day you’ll likely meet someone that will move you in a way that you can’t even fathom right now.. Ot gets better most of the time, so give it a good chance.. Don’t get bitter.
Thank you
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Thank you so much.
Yes, I’m always scared to be vulnerable with someone again. I just hope they are giving me a version of their selves that I can relate to and grow with. I had very shitty luck recently and I’m very jaded with every new person that comes in my life. They don’t allow themselves to date me because they’re still mourning for someone else; which is completely unfair and I don’t enjoy their lack of emotional presence when with me. All I ask for is for a fair chance and an open opportunity.
I feel you. I had a 14 year relationship end and I took my ex back after he left me for a year after we were together 8 years. Then the last year and a half he started a new job and slowly started withdrawing all physical and verbal affection from me and made me feel like a burden to him. I walked away when he gave me a fake ultimatum to move away from my job, family, and friends so he could persue his career in another state. At that point I knew that was his way of ending it. I kept trying, but the breaking point was when I went over to his house to stay the night and he wouldn't even sit next to me or touch me. He literally slept like 2 feet away from me and I cried for hours. In the morning I grabbed my things and left. He was my only boyfriend for my whole life and I'm having a hard time adjusting to life without him as my partner and best friend. I am working on myself, but I am scared to death to date again because I hear so many stories of love dying. I don't know how to choose a lasting relationship. I want to be happily married one day to a lifelong partner and am trying to improve myself to attract the right mate. Time will tell.
Yeah me never ever thought such person could leave me that too after 8 years of relationship, i am in so much pain now i can't think of anything can't work just lost. I can never trust a person ever who can love the way i loved her and gave all my time. They way she broke with me after such a long relationship on nov 17 last mnth she tells i am getting engaged to someone next mnth which she did on 12 dec and getting married in march 2020 for a week i thought she was franking me becoz she was good at it. U can just imagine life is just after all this i still can't what really did happen.
Omg, that was fast.
Was that an arranged thing or what? Otherwise holy crap that sounds insane
She didn't even gave me a proper explaination. All i know she could have stopped everything and do ryt she was just a coward who let go everything in just 7 days. That may be arranged shit but who let goes 8years in days. Actually my mind still can't process any of these things.
Yes. I'm 31 and so fucking scared. I never want to lose myself like that again.
Me. Me. I am.
Man I've had a few relationships it this last one that ended last January has scared me to the point idk if I'll date again for a few years. Mostly my fault but still.
Overall, yes, I am terrified to date again. But also in a strange way, there’s a part of me that’s excited by the idea of this vast new world of being single. Like an explorer setting out to sea after surviving a shipwreck. With no clue of what could possibly await, but knowing there is *something* that awaits. So many yet-unheard of discoveries to be made, but always cautious of the sea’s unforgiving nature.
I love your mindset.
Then you realize your wreck was not the only one and start swimming through the never ending debris of other people's relationships. See all their missteps. See that they have not learned form their mistakes. See that they are bound to add new wrecks to the ocean. Slowly realizing that you are looking for a treasure island.
I just had a breakup 2 days back and I completely feel you bro. The only thing to do right now is to distract yourself as much as possible in a healthy way. Eat chocolate if you feel anxious and devastated (helped me a little bit). Spend time with friends who are motivated. They will help you pass through this. And about finding someone later, that's going to be hard but it'll find you again. I'm optimistic and i hope you find the strength within you to mentally accept the situation and move forth. You only look forward, not back wards in situations like these! :)
I'm not scared to date but I don't feel like I'll trust anyone. Maybe I just don't want to be in a romantic relationship anymore.
I am done. I am in my late 40s. I feel exhausted. I don't think I can trust anyone. Getting broken up after a 21 year relationship just broke me. I don't think I can do it anymore
I’m so sorry. I could only imagine how much courage one would need to recover from this. I truly hope that you will make it through in the end. Another commenter recommended this song to me: https://youtu.be/78pH07RFqmY And I think it’s worth listening to for everyone in this sub!
Just because the wrong person doesn’t love you doesn’t mean no one else will. I thought the same and it’s not like you have to date immediately, in time you’ll recover and someone will treat you how you deserve. Don’t give up on love ❤️ best wishes!
Thank you! Same to you
Haha I think that too! But I also think that although it sounds cheesy, everything happens for a reason. My ex is a good person but had so many flaws and selfish issues going on that I couldn’t even comprehend to you. I wasn’t top priority on his list and he did not even ask me how my day was when all I would care about is him. I am now dating around and experimenting and what not and deciding what I like. I went on a date with a guy and although it went better in my head and I kinda messed it up a little, the little things he did meant the world to me and I barley know him. He would text me, telling me he’s sorry he hasn’t talked to me in a few days due to work, his office had some baked goods brought in and before we met up he asked me what I wanted, when he saw me for the first time he acted like a gentleman, asked me how finals were going, asked me how xyz was and how my life was I just met him like two weeks ago and he seemed to care and listen more than someone I was dating and seeing for 1+ years. It really opened up my mind that yeah my ex was fine for the most part but he was selfish and didn’t understand or even ask how I was doing when I would care about him and his family a lot. He also wasn’t nice to me one of the last times I saw him when I needed help the most and I was emotionally and physically struggling to which he replied, “look up the word ‘need’ and tell me if you actually need me. There was also a 6 year age gap (he’s 27 and I’m pushing 22) and he never said anything about it until the end when he would say things such as: -“one day when your my age you will get why things didn’t work out” He didn’t mean it in a mean way but the way he said how since he’s so much older he was so different when he was my age and not belittling me but the way I thought was the way he thought at my age or around my age and how he’s learned and moved on from thinking childishly. The right guy I believe wouldn’t question coming over or complain about it. He would offer support and be there instead of having a stick up his ass. There are better people out there, I promise.
4 years later..did you find someone? i need hope.
Yes I did but we broke up. He was and is still someone special to me and I hope we meet in another life. Also reading my comment and now that I’m 26, I would never go for someone who’s 21/22 and maybe he had a point - I understand why it would never work out with someone who’s rude to you. I hope you find someone special:)
I’m sorry your ex wasn’t the best. It’s definitely not normal for him to never ask or care about your life. You guys were supposed to do that for each other, not just you. Your current date seems to be doing great, but that’s honestly the standard. I’m sorry you didn’t receive this proper treatment earlier.
I don’t know if I’m scared, but I’m tired. I can’t stomach the thought of having to get to know someone, open myself up, and be vulnerable to a stranger. It’s so exhausting to even think about it. I’ve been single for 14 months and frequently think about how nice it would be to have someone, but I’m wondering if I’m ever going to get past the point of feeling so tired of it all. It doesn’t help that everyone nowadays seems to think drinking and smoking weed are personality traits
Why would you let toxicity impact on your life? Not all people are the same,not everyone does the things that your ex did. No one pushes you to get into another relationship as long as you dont gain the trust into yourself. Take some time to heal ,when i say "heal" i dont mean just sit inside whole day and do nothing,i mean let yourself be free okay? Like let that soul feel every possible feeling and you will understand that in life everything happens. You are the one who can make yourself capable of moving on from any situation Feelings are okay but sometimes we are missing the right people cuz we think that everyone is goin to hurt us . No no no,you can do it again. Fail,and then do it again. Do it again as long as you have the chance. And never regret it. Never. What is yours will stay. What is not,it will fly away.
I’m just afraid that I’m not that brave and strong enough to love again.
You are trust me. Put back together all your broken pieces and start to love again. You are strongert than you think.
I totally understand, dating seems terrifying right now. I normally jump from one serious relationship to the next but it’s almost not worth it because I’ll always be a person no can love.
I 100% agree and can relate to jumping from one serious thing to the next. This time I made it a plan to stay single for a while, not because I don't have the opportunity to date anyone else, but because I need a break. I need to relearn how to love myself, without the validation that I'm worthy from someone else. It's exhausting pouring myself into someone just to be heartbroken the next year.
Yeah, at least scared to date unapologetically again
I’m scared and exhausted really, I don’t want to risk getting hurt like and putting myself through that again. But at the same time, call me naive but i feel like my next relationship will be OK. I know what I want/need in my life now and self love will always come first now for sure
Yes im so frightened to start a new relationship. I have issues with abandonment and trust. As I was in a emotionally abusive relationship and I know in my head what he did was wrong but it still doesn't feel that way. I am so frightened to be abandoned with my daughter again I don't want her to have to deal with it too.
I’m sorry. I hope we both find courage somewhere, within or from the outside😢
I think it’s been 2 something years and I still have 0 desire to date anyone after getting cheated on. I’m in therapy and it’s helping but I haven’t made the move yet because physical appearance has not been the best
It's a weird concept to me. I want to, but I dont know what I want. Some days I think "fuck it maybe I should sleep around" and other days I'm like "man it sure would be awesome to cuddle and kiss on the couch with a shitty comedy on in the background and then have a deep meaningful conversation." One things for certain: I do not like being alone. At all. I've come to terms with myself. I don't hate myself. I go to therapy like a big boy. But I just dont like being alone. Cant do it. Not a validation thing, I just really miss the feeling of having someone else around.
how are you now?
Mixed emotions really - I think the things that were said to me, gave me no other option but to wise up and "grow a pair" (as she so kindly said) but I think on that note, I'll be more perceptive of the things they say or do/or the things they don't say or do; given I have anxious attachment I gloss these things over way too much, and don't value myself. How she acted or slowly distanced herself did hurt like hell and still does, and I dread potentially dreaming about her and knowing how it's going to make me feel the next day, but I know we weren't right for one another either and we were caught up in an anxious/avoidant dance with one-sided communication to TRY and bridge that gap. I don't like forcing the idea of dating either, would rather try and meet someone organically, whether it be through mutual friends and so on.But at the same time I'm in no rush I still want to heal and be a better kind of me, equipped with better tools so I can find better matches. There's no shame in feeling broken up inside, everyone feels differently and there is no shortcut to healing sadly, we have to face the grief head on; just know there are people in similar situations, so it's good to talk and see what other people have to say, and reflect.
I know the time will come, but right now thinking about anyone else seems repellant and just wrong. From where I am right now, no one else will remotely compare.
Just wanted to let you know that this is exactly how I felt after my first relationship. Then about half a year later I met a new girl. I was almost too scared to go on our first date but my best friend convinced me to do it. Everything worked out and I ended up falling in love with that girl. Everything was perfect until things started falling apart. We ended up breaking up but the point of the story was that you can love again. That was her purpose in my life, to show me that I could love again. I'm now going on a date with someone new tomorrow. I don't feel nervous because I've done this all before..... and I know that I can love again. Also, I really like "I'll be ok" by Nothing More. The lyrics "I'm learning to heal with a heart wide open" seem to give me inspiration for better days! https://youtu.be/78pH07RFqmY
Ah, thank you so much for your song recommendation! The line “How do you speak when you feel outspoken” describes my feelings with the relationship prior to the breakup way too well. The rest of the song is just as powerful. Thanks again! I wish you the best.
Nope I was wasn't because I try my best to be positive and do things that make me happy, first girlfriend ended a 3 year relationship for someone else and here I am dating this girl i love for 1 and half months now, I think nothing can break me now so HEADS UP 😎🤙
I think everyone initially feels the same. But trust me you eventually move on be it a few months or a year you will move on and find someone new. Don’t sweat it.
Yes, I would be lying if I said otherwise. The truth is I cannot imagine loving anyone as much as I loved my ex. He had been that missing puzzle piece; the answer to the question of myself. I had believed in us wholeheartedly. A part of me, to this day, even still does. It is because this person continues to haunt me. Said ex-boyfriend has reached out to me several times post breakup, though it's been quite some time since we have dated. 4 years this December since he let me go actually. It was an ugly detached delivery he gave that night too. I had ridden over 6 hours to visit him on his birthday a week before Christmas only to be told I wasn't needed any more. Together almost 3 years. All for a coworker he knew for a hot minute. There is, of course, more to my story. So much more. Each have left me reeling in ways I do not wish to describe. Not tonight. Some are cliched. You can fill in the dots on those. Others were unique to me and my experience with him. All have left their indelible mark upon my memory. The point is the ex has continued to contact me despite the extremely hurtful way in which he ended things. He finds me. I do not seek him out. I respected his space post breakup and do so after he expresses missing me then abruptly disappears from my world again. His behavior since his numerous broken promises as well as deceptions since that night in December have destroyed my ability to trust. I know that, logically, I should ignore him if he ever says anything again. (It is one of the many reasons I am in therapy.) My heart is sadly an illogical mess and a bit of an idiot though. It barely listens to me on a *good* day, let alone an emotional day. So, foolishly, I feed the love I somehow yet carry for him. A love that always *always* lies. It says, "This time he'll either show some sincerity and apologize to me or admit he made a mistake." He never does. And I lie to myself thinking I am accepting his friendship as proof of how ambivalent I am to his behavior. Nothing at all changes. He abruptly stops all communication after playing with my heart then I must once more adjust to the abandonment and shame. As much as I want to believe there is someone else that could love me as much as I had thought my ex did, well, I remain wary. I know that I will not put myself through another relationship where I love another person with every shred of myself only to be treated suddenly and unfairly as if I were an embarrassment. I also grow tired of fighting for my place in someone's heart. Love shouldn't be a fight. I never wanted constant turmoil and I'm afraid the future shall only give me more of the same. All I had ever wanted was to grow old with my best friend. I had thought I had found him finally, but here I am alone instead. Said bff pulled another runner on me earlier and I've got plenty of tears left to shed while I contemplate on my next move. Hint: It involves sad music and maybe a pint of ice cream.
I totally understand the shame. I’m not sure how people get stronger after a breakup but I really do just feel more worthless. We’re all somewhat trapped in our own bubbles, so from an objective outsider’s view, please try not to respond to your ex’s “games” anymore. Sad music and ice cream are the best. Hope you enjoy.
I'll try to be strong. It's difficult considering our history and the fact he seems repentant in the moment. If only happy endings came easy, right? Thank you for your kindness by the way. It has meant more than you'll likely know.
I am very glad. You deserve kindness!
Thank you!
Hey frien, I feel completely the same. You are OK and we are in this together. x
Thank you❤️
I woke up with this exact same thought today. I keep seeing red flags everywhere I go. I try to remember that people are good in nature. But damn it, it is hard to close my eyes to all the bad behaviours I see. People have dropped all sense of morality and common sense, for what seems imminent fun. It is slowly reinforced that I should not enter a relationship with anyone. I should take it slow. I find a lot of people attractive but the amount of red flags they exhibit (ones I have chosen to ignore in my ex), I might as well be living in the USSR. I am not about to walk in the same trap. I will be hurt and alone for the time being.
I think more than being scared to date, it's more I'm scared my ex has ruined my ability to date if I ever do date again since he was my first love. Even if I do find someone again, which will happen, I'm worried it will go well and then out of the blue I'll think of my ex and the relationship will be shattered from my past feelings. We had a complicated history and "broke up" twice. I still feel the hurt from when we broke up the first time.
Oh my, same, we broke up twice, and even after the first (and probably only, even tho that’s not what I want) get-back-together, I was still hurt from the feelings of the first break up. The second and current one is much worse in comparison, this is the one that traumatized me and I’m just afraid I will take years to overcome it while they’ve already moved on in weeks.
Our situations are so similar, I agree so much with what you say. To be honest, I thought by getting back together, it would have healed my heart from the break up the first time round, but it didn't. Although I got a bit of what I wanted from dating again, I think it left a bigger void that I missed him after the second break up. Sometimes I think about us dating again even though our history got a lot more complicated by dating again.
Man do I feel you. Except that when we got back together I was actually slowly healing from the hurt of the first breakup, trying to get used to not looking at the past (whether it be photos or memories we’ve shared) with pain as I did during the breakup, and then the second one happened and everything just went right back to square one. The emotional roller coaster was exhausting and heartbreaking to say the least. And you’re right. Dating again resulted in more problems discovered and this time it was ended with somewhat different reasons as the first time. Sometimes I wish we didn’t get back together so soon and maybe we would’ve had a different outcome than this.
I hope you, well, we all, find the courage to see people as individuals and distinguish them. It’s scary, but perhaps it would be worth it. We might still get heartbroken, but at least we know we could go through it alive. Even though this feeling is truly...way too intense and debilitating. Sorry I can’t be more helpful.
I thought the same. But love happened again and I didnt even see it coming.
Yes. It feels like I’m cheating.
I am surprisingly not too worried about (since i worry about everything lol) finding someone awesome again, but I am worried how to go about trusting someone again. Things could be going great for a year and then boom receive a text that its over while you're driving home from work :(
Same here, I'm scared to date again because trust issues and the fact my first boyfriend left me for the same person twice. I had trust issues already so this just put my mindset into major lockdown though I'm slowly trying to loosen the security checks I put in place. More so over I asked him out in a moment of fear of loneliness and I'm afraid from here on out all my dates will be an action of impulse or end up failing in the same way because I end up having an attraction to guys who parallel him. I trusted my ex to take his second chance seriously and he used me like play dough to entertain himself while waiting for his real love to get interested in him again. I'm afraid of becoming sloppy seconds again basically, or corrupting what ever future dates I somehow manage by my obsession with future mistrust and tiny signs that I might overanalyze as bad things to come, or dating basically a clone of my ex. The only thing that makes me not shy away fully from the concept now is the more daunting concept of loneliness.
I completely understand your second to last paragraph. Ah, the tiny signs, the triggers, and traumatizing memories and experiences? Don’t you wish you could erase your memories and start over?
Agreed. Feels a bit like everything is a potential enemy right now.
Yes! A million times yes! After my very first boyfriend broke up with me I took about 6 months for myself and I ended up in another relationship. I had so much baggage from my first boyfriend, I couldn’t give the second guy want he wanted in terms of a relationship. I was so cold and I was never myself with him. I ended that relationship because I was still hurt from the first one. I’m still trying to recover but it’s not easy.
I feel this way too. Though for me, I also feel afraid I’ll mess the relationship all up again, as it was my mistake that ended the relationship. I thought we would be lifelong partners, but I was reminded how there is no garuntee. I wish you so much healing!
Same to you!
It's not that I'm scared. It's just not something I'm interested in anymore. I've become jaded towards it all. I have a lot of work I need to do to pick myself up again. Like, a lot. Even the basic shit isn't in place. I've neglected myself for years and just let everything go. Things have sunk down to the point where it's not even possible for a normal, healthy person to love someone like me. The last thing I need right now is a bunch of obligations and commitments to someone else. Having to do things I don't want to do, live in places I don't want to be, work jobs that drive me crazy, act in certain ways so as to minimize the amount of bitching going into my ear. Constant criticism and scrutiny. Days ruined by arguments. Taking on someone else's money problems, body image shit, insecurities, hangups, issues. Those things broke my heart and ruined me. I will take this vow of loneliness, because what I truly need is to spend my time, energy and money on myself.
Same here. 5 years. She was my first everything. She said she would wait for me while I was in the navy, that the future we planned was beautiful and that she wanted to marry me. 2 months after shes in college she 'needs space' and then boom she drops everything and tells me I never did enough for her. My heart is broken and I know that I wont be in another relationship for at least 4 years. I will be a completely different person, i dont really know how to approach a woman it was so easy when i was just 15. I feel so inadequate and like I will never be able to trust someone that tells me she loves me.
I am 100%. I'm really drawn to you language of " I can’t trust romantic partners and that I could be loved anymore. I trusted my ex so much". I see a lot of myself in this; I gave my ex all of the power to determine my value, my confidence and my trust. Losing him meant I lost those things too. What has helped me the most has been going to therapy and building the trust with myself. I am learning to trust that I innately retain value and am worthy of love and confidence. This is hard to accept, especially after a break up. But it's been the catalyst of a healing journey for me -- healing in terms of this break up and long term self esteem. Developing this foundation of trusting myself has given me the strength to begin exploring questions like "what are the qualities I need in someone else to trust them?", "how do I want my future partner to interact with me to communicate the love and value me?". Again, I am exploring this with the guidance of a therapist. These questions can be hard to answer, but I found them incredibly healing because they give me more control and hope for my future. I think to gain back that trust, you have to start with trusting yourself, and for me, these questions have been a good way to embolden that intrapersonal relationship.
I’m so glad it’s working and you’re healing! I wish you the best!
It sucks because I find someone good yet I naturally push them away, I’m really trying here, I’m talking to someone yet I dont want to but I also do
Keep trying! Best of luck to you!
Im afraid ill lost my sense of self again, and that ill be living day to day wondering if I got the metaphorical cannon pointed at me. Did i do something wrong? Will she constantly show me her lack of trust? Will she project her own insecurities onto me? I don’t want to lose myself again, I just got me back.
Hey, thanks for sharing your feelings. I just replied to another commenter that I’ve certainly moved on a bit as time went on. And I was very paranoid and obsessive with the relationship after the breakup at first (months and months) as well, but it has definitely gotten better with time. I hope your wounds heal soon.
how are you now?
Hey, thanks for reminding me that this post exists. Reminding me that I’ve in fact moved on a bit. I unfortunately have yet to find another person but definitely would like to date again in the future. Hope everything goes well for you.
Not so much scared but confident that I won't date again. I've been single for a while. Seven years, to be exact. All of the romantic relationships that I have had failed in one way or another. There was a third party in the picture, the situation turned abusive, so on so forth. The fact that I'm also ~~autistic~~ is probably another reason why my relationships keep failing. Otherwise, I just don't bother. Relationships are a waste of time.
There’s nothing wrong with being single! As long as you’re happy, it’s all good.
Dating Is a huge waste of time. Focus on improving your hobbies or making more money.. People spend way too much time trying to play with other people's private parts imo.
Scared to be hurted again. When my ex left me, I was very hurted especially it was my first relationship too. I didn't see this coming. Now, I start to have trust issues when it comes to be in a relationship again.
Hey, you might’ve noticed that this is an old post. If it helps at all, I no longer feel scared to date. I’m still not 100% over my ex, and due to circumstances I haven’t dated anyone new since, but that’s because I have personal issues to work on. Once I get these sorted though, I’m very hopeful and excited to date again. I could experience love with other people, not just that one person.
During middle-high school I asked out like 5+ girls and got rejected by all of them. Except one who was the only girl I ever got even slightly close to, just didn't know what I was doing and we stopped talking/dating after a few months. I haven't even tried to approach anyone since. My self esteem is nonexistent and I'm paralyzed by the fear of getting hurt again, as much as I long for that kind of connection
I’m sorry to hear that, I hope you recognize your self worth and gather the courage to love again. When I made this post I thought my love life was over as well, but today I hope for the opposite. You can do this too!
I'm dating this new girl and I can say she is totally different than my ex. I found her online but we clicked right away and guess what, I went to meet her and I think so far so good.
Same that's why I'm giving Lilith a chance to be redeemed
Honestly yeah, I have a hard time finding my type, which I know what exactly it is. It’s been like 10 months but I’m just not ready and not even wanting to look for someone, however, I do feel I’m getting there slow and steady.
I wont let someone hurt me like she did. I will wait.
My ex pursued me, got me pregnant then broke up with me because I wasn’t ok with his disrespect towards our relationship and tried to talk about it with him but we always fought. Now we have a child together and he claims he’s staying single but, TBH it feels like we are both having a “let’s see who will stay single forever” challenge