I do feel that my father ultimately won. He’s won every time, in each family he’s had and abused. He abandoned his first child at birth and never faced consequences or even had to pay child support. He battered his second wife so much that she had to have her jaw fused; she sued for medical bills and won and he’s never ever paid. Got out of it somehow. He’s landed my mom in a lot of trouble with the IRS because of unemployment schemes and tax evasion and he’s getting away with that, too because they’re about to start garnishing her wages because they can’t get a cent out of him. He always felt he was entitled to know everything about me, and would physically back me into a corner, screaming at me to try to get me to tell him things he thought he was entitled to know about my life. So I guess for me my path forward is that I haven’t spoken to him in over ten years. His family have reached out to me, trying to get me to talk to him but I won’t. When he manages to get around email/facebook/phone blocks I call the police and make a harassment report. Spite keeps me going; I’m working really hard to build something beautiful for myself that he doesn’t get to participate in or even know a single thing about. It’s not much but I cling to it.
Yeah…. Sometimes I just feel so broken and just… I don’t know. Like I’ll never get better. I can only tell myself “processing and healing is painful, just like this”, but it’s overwhelming at times. I just try to tell myself that I’m happier without them, which is true. Hang in there man💙
I try and imagine what it must be like to be someone else. Like maybe when I was a kid I could’ve trained to be one of those amateur boxing fighters that might have a shot at the big time. Or maybe I could’ve trained to be an Olympian or something. Not saying I have, or had, that ability. Just. Can’t help but imagine what it must be like to have that level of confidence. Or to take yourself that seriously and actually think that you matter. I’ve never gotten to feel that way. I’ve never even had a friend.
I do and I’m by no means at peace with it, but I care more about the years, life, everything I lost than their lifes being more ”succesfull” than mine.
Yes and I also feel like we're just made to let others get away with stuff, especially at work.
It makes me feel abused/neglected all over again. I know abuse victims often have a black and white thinking about justice but dang, I just want crappy bosses who have shown they are crappy to be let go. Why does our society reward these AHs?
Not only did they get away with it but I'm cleaning up their mess once again by healing in therapy and doing the work. It makes me so fk'n angry all the time.
I’ve had a narcissistic boss before. He used to bitch us out of our tone in emails and would lose his temper and fly off the handle at us. Like would start screaming at the top of his lungs. I’ve found when people claim to be offended by small things it tends to mean they are a narcissist. But if they surround themselves with other narcissists and don’t have to be held accountable for anything, then they get away with it.
Idk just my two cents. I hate that work can have that much of an impact on our lives. It literally holds us hostage
Yes, that is exactly it. My boss is good at his job and knows a lot but he can't teach for sh\*t. He gets frustrated and lets his ego get in the way all the time.
He is literally mad at me for questioning him, with proof mind you, that he refuses to answer an IMs or emails and I need his feedback to move a very highly visible project forward.
I ended up going to his boss who is helping me but I'm frustrated he isn't holding my boss accountable. How can literally ghosting me be acceptable? I know it's just my trauma, my mom liked to pretend I didn't exist till I figured out the imagined slight I did against her. It's exhausting. My therapist even said she recommends I move to a different team but we just lost a C-suite person so that's on hold.
Thank you so much for you comment. It's always helpful to know that others have gone through similar and made it out the other side.
At least the other supervisor is helpful. Being ignored is a terrible feeling. I hope your situation starts to ease up. Regarding the job I described above, I knew it was time to quit when I’d start throwing up before going into the office. O hope you don’t get there. I’m glad you have a therapist to help as well
I think you may still feel inferior or less than due to past abuse. Don’t compare yourself to others, especially not your abuser. Abusers are deep down broken and miserable people. You should focus on your own healing. It took me sometime from feeling nothing to feeling hopeless to becoming stronger.
There are no winners in this game, I don't think abusers are happy people. They may pretend and lie to themselves and others. They're empty husks of people, who love feeling powerful and in control. Who will use other people to get their way.
Which makes them unable to bond with others, to experience that feeling of connection and understanding.
I do, and I struggle with it a lot. People inflicted horrible traumas on me which made my life infinitely harder as a result and damaged my brain and my health, and they just go on with their lives without a care in the world. I get angry with the unfairness of it all.
Yes. More and more as time passes. I feel like they won and I never stood a chance, even as an adult trying to do the right thing and trying to get justice. Never going to happen in my case and they just will always win
If I continue focusing on myself, doing therapy and getting better, I have a shot at becoming someone better, maybe even someone whose trauma isn’t so all encompassing as it is now.
He will always be a psychopath.
Even if he hasn’t answered for his crimes yet, life will take care of it. I believe in karma.
And honestly, just being him, constantly plotting the next move, targeting the next victim, working overtime to figure out ways to get away with what he does, it sounds so fucking exhausting.
A day in that brain would drive anyone insane.
Nope, no matter how successful they may be, they’re a bunch of miserable losers. I had an NPD boss who keeps burning bridges with everyone because he acts like a toddler. People eventually end up seeing what a POS he really is and back away as far as possible. This asshole even told me he’s an emotionally intelligent and charismatic, [enter other ego stroking descriptions here] , etc… while making fun of his wife in front of her for being physically abused by her ex in the past. The guy is a fucking idiot. A five year old is more mature than that fucking prick 😂
Dude, if you can get some kind of proof against him, you can sue him. That sounds insane! Also, therapists are not allowed to engage in sexual activity with their clients/patients.
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Oh coming to this place took quite some time! I got into spirituality, Dr Wayne Dyer books, and mushrooms, Buddhism lessons etc and it started to sink in that forgiveness isn't to forget or forgive what he did but for my soul and spirit to heal myself and take the power back from him. I've given him too much of my mind, heart and emotions, allowing his actions to destroy me while he holds no regret. He probably doesn't even think of it so...long story short...it took some time and idk of I'm totally at that place of peace but I know I will be.
Last night my husband accidentally reminded me of some things I had told him about before but blocked back out. It was like I fell backwards in time and the memories hit me like a brick wall. I immediately curled into a fetal position and cried while my husband held me. He brought me a stuffie and some chocolate because my inner child was crying out and needed her comforts. I've been through four years of therapy and two years of NC with my father, but I'm still so, so broken. I don't know if I'll ever be whole, so yes, sometimes, in some ways, I feel like he won
I did. I had multiple breakdowns about it.
What did they win though?
I'm a prize. I removed them and received liberty, time and agency back.
I fight everyday to not let them have a moment more of my focus.
Yes, they ruined every opportunity for me. Called me lazy even while simultaneously holding me back actively and complaining about it 24/7. Every adult in my life abandoned me or sabotaged me every chance they got but wants to complain about the outcome. My rage is unquenchable. I went no contact out of pure spite even though I depend on them because of the situations they forced but were somehow “my choice” (they have never cared about what I wanted). And they were all abusive. And but “let them do it despite not having the resources/knowledge to know what to do as a child and being sabotaged and held back well into adulthood.
All they do gaslight and pretend to care while sabotaging me in the background.
All of the time. But then you listen to your gut that remembers when you were stronger, and the dreams i had. i have to believe there's a better path, even when I feel dead inside like right now. I will fight to believe until my last breath. You know why? Because I wouldn't have ever done what my abusers did. Am I an angel? No. But if my soul is loving and thats the root of a lot of pain, I'd rather be the one stabbed in the back than the one holding the knife. You are the LAST person who deserves turmoil for what you went through.
No, they didn't.
These are people hurting inside so they spread all that hurt. It's like being a balloon where no emotion gets inside including the beautiful ones like peace, joy, celebration for one's existence, or being so tortured and never measuring up and knowing it and never being able to run away from or do anything about it.
Yes, but in a way being the miserable people my parents were, unable to see beyond their own shallow needs, not really capable of love, is a punishment in itself.
Oh fuq that. I'm 60 and my unmanageable suffering is in the rear view. I still get flashbacks, but I can manage them and I'm pretty happy. But even in my youth, I guess I was a stubborn bitch. They took my childhood, but I refused to let them have my future, my adulthood too. I left home early, but it took me til my early 20s to actually say to them "no, I'm not having this".
If you feel resigned to live in tge hell they created ... try angry music. Like, Disturbed's Down With the Sickness. Channel some rage in a safe & controlled way, not hurting anyone else. But don't give up. Get passed and assign blame. But don't let them have their way.
Yes. I'm so fucking broken and I'll never be a real person. I may be alive, technically, but he killed my soul long ago.
I feel this. I keep saying I don't feel like a real person. This makes sense to me the way you describe it. It's horrible
This cut me to my core. I feel dead inside a lot of the time. Hoping that things change for you.
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I don’t really have a path forward
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I will keep trying at least for today. I want to try and condition my pubes and see how soft they feel. Thank you friend
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Yes we do.
I do feel that my father ultimately won. He’s won every time, in each family he’s had and abused. He abandoned his first child at birth and never faced consequences or even had to pay child support. He battered his second wife so much that she had to have her jaw fused; she sued for medical bills and won and he’s never ever paid. Got out of it somehow. He’s landed my mom in a lot of trouble with the IRS because of unemployment schemes and tax evasion and he’s getting away with that, too because they’re about to start garnishing her wages because they can’t get a cent out of him. He always felt he was entitled to know everything about me, and would physically back me into a corner, screaming at me to try to get me to tell him things he thought he was entitled to know about my life. So I guess for me my path forward is that I haven’t spoken to him in over ten years. His family have reached out to me, trying to get me to talk to him but I won’t. When he manages to get around email/facebook/phone blocks I call the police and make a harassment report. Spite keeps me going; I’m working really hard to build something beautiful for myself that he doesn’t get to participate in or even know a single thing about. It’s not much but I cling to it.
I hope you get to build that beautiful life for yourself and enjoy it for a long time.
I frequently 'joke' that I'm running on pure spite, but it's not actually a joke.
Sadly, the phrase "In the end good will always win" is as false as misleading. Evil wins all the time.
Especially in America!
In America, evil is usually rewarded
Yeah…. Sometimes I just feel so broken and just… I don’t know. Like I’ll never get better. I can only tell myself “processing and healing is painful, just like this”, but it’s overwhelming at times. I just try to tell myself that I’m happier without them, which is true. Hang in there man💙
I try and imagine what it must be like to be someone else. Like maybe when I was a kid I could’ve trained to be one of those amateur boxing fighters that might have a shot at the big time. Or maybe I could’ve trained to be an Olympian or something. Not saying I have, or had, that ability. Just. Can’t help but imagine what it must be like to have that level of confidence. Or to take yourself that seriously and actually think that you matter. I’ve never gotten to feel that way. I’ve never even had a friend.
I do and I’m by no means at peace with it, but I care more about the years, life, everything I lost than their lifes being more ”succesfull” than mine.
Yes and I also feel like we're just made to let others get away with stuff, especially at work. It makes me feel abused/neglected all over again. I know abuse victims often have a black and white thinking about justice but dang, I just want crappy bosses who have shown they are crappy to be let go. Why does our society reward these AHs? Not only did they get away with it but I'm cleaning up their mess once again by healing in therapy and doing the work. It makes me so fk'n angry all the time.
I’ve had a narcissistic boss before. He used to bitch us out of our tone in emails and would lose his temper and fly off the handle at us. Like would start screaming at the top of his lungs. I’ve found when people claim to be offended by small things it tends to mean they are a narcissist. But if they surround themselves with other narcissists and don’t have to be held accountable for anything, then they get away with it. Idk just my two cents. I hate that work can have that much of an impact on our lives. It literally holds us hostage
Yes, that is exactly it. My boss is good at his job and knows a lot but he can't teach for sh\*t. He gets frustrated and lets his ego get in the way all the time. He is literally mad at me for questioning him, with proof mind you, that he refuses to answer an IMs or emails and I need his feedback to move a very highly visible project forward. I ended up going to his boss who is helping me but I'm frustrated he isn't holding my boss accountable. How can literally ghosting me be acceptable? I know it's just my trauma, my mom liked to pretend I didn't exist till I figured out the imagined slight I did against her. It's exhausting. My therapist even said she recommends I move to a different team but we just lost a C-suite person so that's on hold. Thank you so much for you comment. It's always helpful to know that others have gone through similar and made it out the other side.
At least the other supervisor is helpful. Being ignored is a terrible feeling. I hope your situation starts to ease up. Regarding the job I described above, I knew it was time to quit when I’d start throwing up before going into the office. O hope you don’t get there. I’m glad you have a therapist to help as well
Oh no, that sucks I'm sorry it got to that point. While I've not tossed my cookies, I have had 2 mental breakdowns, so I think my therapist is right.
They are. I hope it resolves soon though. And I hope you don’t have any more mental breakdowns!
Yeah.
I think you may still feel inferior or less than due to past abuse. Don’t compare yourself to others, especially not your abuser. Abusers are deep down broken and miserable people. You should focus on your own healing. It took me sometime from feeling nothing to feeling hopeless to becoming stronger.
There are no winners in this game, I don't think abusers are happy people. They may pretend and lie to themselves and others. They're empty husks of people, who love feeling powerful and in control. Who will use other people to get their way. Which makes them unable to bond with others, to experience that feeling of connection and understanding.
I do, and I struggle with it a lot. People inflicted horrible traumas on me which made my life infinitely harder as a result and damaged my brain and my health, and they just go on with their lives without a care in the world. I get angry with the unfairness of it all.
Yes. More and more as time passes. I feel like they won and I never stood a chance, even as an adult trying to do the right thing and trying to get justice. Never going to happen in my case and they just will always win
If I continue focusing on myself, doing therapy and getting better, I have a shot at becoming someone better, maybe even someone whose trauma isn’t so all encompassing as it is now. He will always be a psychopath. Even if he hasn’t answered for his crimes yet, life will take care of it. I believe in karma. And honestly, just being him, constantly plotting the next move, targeting the next victim, working overtime to figure out ways to get away with what he does, it sounds so fucking exhausting. A day in that brain would drive anyone insane.
Not entirely because I'm still fighting. I am really tired though.
Keep going
Nope, no matter how successful they may be, they’re a bunch of miserable losers. I had an NPD boss who keeps burning bridges with everyone because he acts like a toddler. People eventually end up seeing what a POS he really is and back away as far as possible. This asshole even told me he’s an emotionally intelligent and charismatic, [enter other ego stroking descriptions here] , etc… while making fun of his wife in front of her for being physically abused by her ex in the past. The guy is a fucking idiot. A five year old is more mature than that fucking prick 😂
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How did he break confidentiality? If you can prove it, you can sue his ass
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Dude, if you can get some kind of proof against him, you can sue him. That sounds insane! Also, therapists are not allowed to engage in sexual activity with their clients/patients.
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Contact a lawyer
Yup
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Sometimes. But I'm also working on forgiveness. That's not for him but for me to learn to accept and let go.
Did you wake up one day and want to forgive them? Was that feeling always there for you?
Oh coming to this place took quite some time! I got into spirituality, Dr Wayne Dyer books, and mushrooms, Buddhism lessons etc and it started to sink in that forgiveness isn't to forget or forgive what he did but for my soul and spirit to heal myself and take the power back from him. I've given him too much of my mind, heart and emotions, allowing his actions to destroy me while he holds no regret. He probably doesn't even think of it so...long story short...it took some time and idk of I'm totally at that place of peace but I know I will be.
I see. I am glad you got to that place
Last night my husband accidentally reminded me of some things I had told him about before but blocked back out. It was like I fell backwards in time and the memories hit me like a brick wall. I immediately curled into a fetal position and cried while my husband held me. He brought me a stuffie and some chocolate because my inner child was crying out and needed her comforts. I've been through four years of therapy and two years of NC with my father, but I'm still so, so broken. I don't know if I'll ever be whole, so yes, sometimes, in some ways, I feel like he won
That feeling of falling back into the memory is really scary. I’m glad your partner was there for you
He's been my rock for the last 16 years and got me out of that environment. I wouldn't still be here without him ❤️
Same, I feel extremely broken.
I did. I had multiple breakdowns about it. What did they win though? I'm a prize. I removed them and received liberty, time and agency back. I fight everyday to not let them have a moment more of my focus.
Yes, they ruined every opportunity for me. Called me lazy even while simultaneously holding me back actively and complaining about it 24/7. Every adult in my life abandoned me or sabotaged me every chance they got but wants to complain about the outcome. My rage is unquenchable. I went no contact out of pure spite even though I depend on them because of the situations they forced but were somehow “my choice” (they have never cared about what I wanted). And they were all abusive. And but “let them do it despite not having the resources/knowledge to know what to do as a child and being sabotaged and held back well into adulthood. All they do gaslight and pretend to care while sabotaging me in the background.
They did.
All of the time. But then you listen to your gut that remembers when you were stronger, and the dreams i had. i have to believe there's a better path, even when I feel dead inside like right now. I will fight to believe until my last breath. You know why? Because I wouldn't have ever done what my abusers did. Am I an angel? No. But if my soul is loving and thats the root of a lot of pain, I'd rather be the one stabbed in the back than the one holding the knife. You are the LAST person who deserves turmoil for what you went through.
My mom was emotional married to me, I left to be free. Now I feel guilty and she's hurting. But atleast I can work on the guilt in peace
No, they didn't. These are people hurting inside so they spread all that hurt. It's like being a balloon where no emotion gets inside including the beautiful ones like peace, joy, celebration for one's existence, or being so tortured and never measuring up and knowing it and never being able to run away from or do anything about it.
They have money, I don't. They clearly won
Yes, but in a way being the miserable people my parents were, unable to see beyond their own shallow needs, not really capable of love, is a punishment in itself.
Is it a punishment if they don’t know it’s one?
Oh fuq that. I'm 60 and my unmanageable suffering is in the rear view. I still get flashbacks, but I can manage them and I'm pretty happy. But even in my youth, I guess I was a stubborn bitch. They took my childhood, but I refused to let them have my future, my adulthood too. I left home early, but it took me til my early 20s to actually say to them "no, I'm not having this". If you feel resigned to live in tge hell they created ... try angry music. Like, Disturbed's Down With the Sickness. Channel some rage in a safe & controlled way, not hurting anyone else. But don't give up. Get passed and assign blame. But don't let them have their way.