My mom saying how this generation needs to be beat more and we behave badly due to not enough spankings. Then her being confused when her daughter accepts her husband beating her as love.
Gee, it's almost like you taught her physical abuse is love or something.
My gf was essentially ignored by her parents. They had money, they had resources, but the house was full of bugs, moldy food, filthy bathrooms; they watched her get depressed to the point that her bedroom was covered in a layer of trash half a foot thick. She couldn't do her schoolwork, but they never helped her, just told her to 'just do it'. Never were aggressive or violent or anything- but they were distant, sarcastic, and neglectful. It took about a decade to get her to accept help of any kind on anything, as well as encouragement, compliments, etc., without her getting angry. We are animals that need compassionate love and care. All kinds of childhood abuse will leave a lasting mark.
I hope not lasting or that atleast with conscious efforts we'll be able to erase the harm they caused. In my case I had forgotten most of my childhood until I tried to deeply reflect on why I so often at different stages of my life had bouts of depression and thoughts of life being meaningless and giving up. One day out of the blue I remembered memories of being beaten on the head with a heavy wooden rod and it hurting so much that my ears would ring, I'd fall to the floor each time and think I should be dead and don't deserve life, that the world would be better off. It was heartbreaking to remember that and I still can't help be teary when I recall it. Different forms of abuse affect you differently and none is acceptable. Somehow it always just escalates. She'd beat me with her hand earlier when we were still living with grandparents but when we moved a floor above in the same building it switched to a rod, being locked up in a room without light and more awful stuff. As an adult after becoming less vulnerable to her caustic words and insults (she couldn't beat me up lol though she tried) she resorted to saying multiple times how birthing me was a mistake. Hearing that was terrible. I've always spoken up for mental health and even helped people who were on the ledge and thinking of self harm/ending things to reconsider. I can't understand people hurting others and edging them to a path of no return.
Anyway, Moved out. I went back for 2 days since Dad had a medical procedure and she's acting like she never said anything hurtful and as if nothing ever happened. I don't want to carry this as a grudge, but I sure won't allow myself to be shamed or guilted for my feelings. Not everyone deserves your kindness, compassion or affection.
Any parent saying "IT COULD BE WORSE, YA KNOW?" are massive trash heaps. I know it could be worse, because I was told that "IT COULD BE WORSE" all the *damn* time.
And that's why I never told about that time I got hurt. Cuz I didn't have it as bad as the other kids that got hurt... so I did tell anyone. Oops.
It could be better, and it should be better. Now I just have to... ughh... work harder to make it better. Crap...
Omg I resonate with this so much....
A little over 6 months ago I confronted my mother, a bit scared, about something id just realized - I think she was emotionally abusive to me as a young child
I said this nicely, softly, and her response? Answer flashimg in her eyes, she sat straight up and yelled "YOU EMOTIONALLY ABUSED ME WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD!!!"
This kicked off a very confusing 6 months of struggling with the "brainwashing" my covertly unstable mother unintentionally did over 2 decades
One of my recent bfs strangled me multiple times and she said that my decision to stay then was "slowly killing" her but she will NOT accept hearing that her (somewhat continued) behavior is what has destroyed me to this point. All without me even noticing till now. Her refusal to look at herself and be even a little self aware is fucking insane, and I'm blamed for everything and having faulty wiring or whatever.
I never told my mother about all the terrible things that happened growing up because I thought I was supposed to suffer, like it was just normal to be miserable. Even that now is my fault :( can't imagine how being literally depressed at 7 years old is my fault....
She also will mock me saying "oh I was SUCH a bad parent WASNT I, the WORST IN THE WORLD, NO OTHER PARENT WAS WORSE" with such anger..... how did I grow up thinking that volitility was normal?
The biggest part is that I did feel like an imposter for so long. Likely most people with BPD go through much worse than whatever I did at home.
Edit: immediately after commenting im very embarrassed to have overshared like that. I'm clearly still grappling with it all, I hope my rambling might strike a chord with someone who may read this :)
>immediately after commenting im very embarrassed to have overshared like that
It's fine, you're fine. If nothing else, putting experiences into words is helpful for processing trauma.
>I never told [...] about all the terrible things that happened growing up because I thought I was supposed to suffer, like it was just normal to be miserable
Struck a chord. It sucks because even when I feel that I've moved into accepting that I cannot change the past, I'm still angry and sad at levels that aren't acceptable.
Growing up I also had a lot of 'nuh-uh, you're the abusive one. Forget the kids helpphone, where's the parent abuse hotline? you kids have been so awful to me. you're lucky that I have to love you because I don't like you' whenever I'd try to bring up my needs or emotions, so I had wrongly learned that 1: expressing my feelings or needs is abusive, 2: having my needs met is conditional on being liked enough by my caregivers, and 3: whatever resources that exist, other people deserve them more.
Those mistaken beliefs... they do not go well with growing up into a happy healthy and well adjusted adult. At least there's dozens of us, dozens!
Are you also like, 9000x more self aware and emotionally perceptive too? It's the worst fucking *super power* istg. Cool, I know I'm messed up **and** I get to notice each and every mood anybody is in ALL. THE. TIME.
You are shining a light on what your mom wanted to keep in the dark, and her voice that is in your head is already screaming at you to *STOP THAT!* If you're parents are shitty, DO START SNITCHING! Safely, tho, a lot of peeps on this subreddit are still in the teeth of the beast. đ
When I try to tell my dad the way his words have hurt and damaged me, he is ALREADY MAD. The instant I mention any of his mistakes, RAGE. But that worked when he was 40 and I was 10. Now I am 40 and he is 70, LOLOLOLOL.
"I can yell louder than you!" No matter how sad or scared I was, he would drop that line to shut me down.
This is a concept I have realized: my parents raised me to be a little bitch! It has served me *very* poorly, but that's not their problem either...?
It seems like they got you too! Here you are, standing up for yourself, and what do you get in return? ...yeah, some more bullshit.
Just typing this out, you are way stronger than this old lady. But a lot of parents raised their kids to be little bitches. So... dang, that shit is SAD. But there's a lot of us weirdos down in this pit of despair!
I mean, there's like a hero arc from anime here: you (and lots of us) have some filthy little shit standing on your (our) neck(s.) And now that you know you have to stand up, welp... these little shits will have no where to go except to fall on their ass. We've been training at 100x Earth's Emotional Abuse Gravity.
Yadda yadda yadda, I am sending my thoughts and SWEARS đ¤Ź.
Good luck, yo~~~~
"you'd prefer living with your best friend who's parents are constantly drunk and hit them with a belt?" No mum, I know it could be worse but that doesn't mean that you can hit me or my sister. It could be way worse yeah but it wasn't good.
Ugh I hate parents who slap the "it could be worse" card on you
well since my gran is unfortunately no longer with us no... but if she was still around i don't see why she'd say no.
she was the type of old lady that make grown muscle men cry with only her words, she helped me in some of my darkest moments hell she managed to convince me not to hate myself because of my autism using of all things pancakes.
she was a smart and very kind woman for those that need it but just as much she would happily stub and isolate people that actively abused others, hell she reminded me that i didn't need to feel any pity nor forgive my abusers because they had a choice to do what they did.
i didn't choose to exist or be who/what i am but they had a choice, no one could say "i didn't know" especially in a day and age where information is often keystrokes away.
she was but she was extremely sweet but i have seen her be cruel not actively physically harmful but i remember growing up and her accidentally running over one of my bullies toes with her mobility scooter.
she was going to say "oh sorry" but when she recognized who it was and his mother went "oh you're not going to say sorry?" my grand replied, "i do not apologies to human garbage" of which she just rolled on with her day.
if anyone bullies her grandchildren then god help the poor fuck that stands in her way if she tries to balance the scales.
The very logical side of my brain always wants to debate if there can be ethical, non-abusive spanking. I often try to suppress that side, I don't like him. But everything else in me says that spanking opens up something dark in the parent that isn't just a loving parenting aspect that gets misused. My mother was extreme, she'd tangle my legs up in my pants/shorts/undies so I couldn't escape and pin me down to spank me, and the look on her face could not be described as "just doing the best according to her understanding."
And it requires society to twist up their understanding of normal behaviour. Imagine this conversation. I never had it, but it exposes hypocrisy.
Teacher: hey kiddo, why are you upset and quiet?
Little me: yesterday my mother chased me down and pulled down my pants so I was naked from the down, and then she pinned me down.
Teacher: Oh no! Did she touch you?
Little Me: yes, she repeatedly hit me hard on the butt and eventually had to pin her elbow into my back to hold me down.
Teacher: oh, so she didn't "touch you touch you", she was just intentionally inflicting pain on you in a violent way while you screamed?
Little Me, too innocent to understand that "touch me" in that context means my dick: but she did touch me!
I think it's good that you try to suppress that side of yourself because the way I see it, even if parents spank their kids out of love and not to hurt them, there are still better parenting methods out there that won't result in psychological damage. I was having a conversation on YouTube with a father who genuinely believed he could take credit for spanking his kids because he truly believed he was being a good dad. I've spoken face to face with a distant cousin who did it to his daughter. Now, his daughter is successful, and he thinks she's successful just because he "disciplined" her. He thinks he can take credit for it! I argued, "She could've easily been psychologically damaged by what you did and spiralled out of control. You don't get to take fucking credit for her turning out a decent adult. That's her win." He didn't listen. My distant cousin is Gen X btw, raised in the 80s when spanking was normal. He also doesn't believe autism or adhd or any mental health disorder exists because "it wasn't around back then." People like him are insufferable and just plain stupid. I tried to say, "If your child had an autistic meltdown and you spanked her, only to realise that she was having an autistic meltdown, how would you feel?" He responded by saying Autism isn't real, and its just kids being bratty/picky. Sigh.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is the side of you that says hitting kids is wrong is the right side. You should always listen to that side. People, especially parents, have NO idea how easy it is to fuck up a child mentally. You don't even have to lay a hand on them to do that. It's so hard to fix, too.
I'm dreadfully sorry for what happened to you, and I hope your mother rots in regret for the rest of her life. Did the teacher say/do anything of comfort? Or did she invalidate your trauma?
I know what I went through is true. But I feel like it's not as valid as the others(women in this case) because of what I see and hear. All this was made worse by my therapist who said something like 'men can't get raped'.
Wow you therapist sure does suck. Men can be raped, I'm so sorry that happened, and just because it doesn't fit the stereotypical narrative doesn't mean you don't deserve to heal and feel validated.
They really just handing out licenses these days wtf
That therapist made things even worse by victim blaming me and saying things like 'what did I do to make her mad' and stuff like that.
I stopped going yo therapy after that
I really want to believe that, but I keep blaming myself because the red flags were obvious and I ignored them because I was outright smitten with her. And also she manipulated me into thinking I can't be without her. It's hard for me to break out of that cycle.
At least I'm glad there is this online community who's supportive and helpful.
Ugghh, now I think she should be in prison. She manipulated you and groomed you, just like every other abuser does and for some bizarre reason only known to the universe abusers are incredibly good at it, though in her case she had the added help of knowing the psychology behind it as well. If you feel safe enough to do so and have the energy, file a complaint to her licensing board. Absolutely none of your experience with her was your fault. None of it. It doesnât matter that red flags were there. It. Wasnât. Your. Fault. She was your therapist, the responsibility was hers and she completely took advantage and abused that responsibility. You deserve to have a therapist who actually does there job to help you heal. Iâm glad you have this community, and I hope someday you can feel safe enough to see a therapist again that is actually a healer. the ones that do their job are actually helpful and donât cause more trauma. Regardless I hope your healing journey goes better. And again: It wasnât your fault, not the assault, not the âtherapyâ. None of it.
Thank you so much for your kind words, I truly appreciate it. I'm currently trying to heal through all this with the help of my aunt and grandpa, they're my only family left and I won't be here without them. With their help I'm slowly trying to get myself into a better spot.
>'men can't get raped'.
I wouldn't trust *anyone* willfully ignorant enough to say something like that.
They need to be reported and thrown into a volcano.
My rapist was a woman, she was my ex.
Even though I want to get back at her, I don't think doxxing will solve much. And I live in the UK so no guns, and it's a double whammy because according to UK law, men can't get raped by women
This makes me so fucking angry as a woman. WOMEN KNOW THE FEAR OF BEING RAPED. How fucking dare any woman do it to someone else??? I know I don't know you but I'm genuinely so upset that this happened and there's nothing you can do. Men are painted as horny animals who always want/need sex and this just isn't true. Men can be violated, sexually assaulted and raped too and it's just as bad as a woman being raped or a man raping another man.
It's such a ridiculous double standard because I bet the law would've done something if you were raped by a male but because you were raped by a female, you get "you must've done something to deserve it," "you should be grateful," "was she hot?"You must be gay if you didn't want that." All of that bullshit. I can not believe a MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL SAID THAT KIND OF SHIT TO YOU.
I wonder, if you identified as gay and the same thing happened, would they care? Of course not! Because men are "supposed" to be attracted to women, they're "supposed" to have sex with women, and apparently let women rape them!
I'm so lost for words. I hope you're doing better, and if you're not, I hope you can heal from this one day, and I hope that skank gets what's coming to her.
I'm also very relieved to hear you have a support system and a family that loves you and believes you. That must be so refreshing â¤ď¸
Thank you for your supportive words.
I've heard all of it mostly from women and the occasional white knight trying to pin the blame on me or gaslight me. It's disgusting when I think about it because these people just don't understand what I've been through and won't look outside their own perspective. Sure the sex felt nice, but I didn't want it and I was forced to endure it(she'd hurt me until I give in and let her do it. Somehow that passed as 'consent' for her so she didn't really feel guilty about that).
What's worse is that some of these people thought she was the victim saying things like "what did you do to make her do this", "you should've been more caring"
Fuck hearing that you enjoyed it physically just makes this so much worse. A lot of women are ahamed for orgasming while they're raped. THIS IS LITERALLY THE SAME THING. JUST BECAUSE IT FELT GOOD DOESN'T MEAN IT WASN'T RAPE. My goodness...
How can anyone do that to someone?
Okay, lets play their game for a bit. Even if she was the victim in this, which she certainly isn't, her "having sex" with you isn't a mature way to solve whatever issue you supposedly caused. You don't fuck people you're angry with as revenge or whatever. You talk about it like a civilised adult.
They sound like the type to victim blame anyone. "What were you wearing/what did you do to receive that attention?" "What did you do for your husband to beat you?" THE POINT IS NO ONE DESERVES THIS (except maybe the abusers themselves. If they knew how it felt maybe they wouldn't do it. I know that's cruel to say).
Edit:
I'd also like to say that while I have never been raped (that I know of. My dad mightâve tampered with me when I was a toddler, but we don't think about that lmao), I understand how it feels to be physically turned on but not mentally turned on and vice versa, and how confusing that can be. I also understand what it's like to be simultaneously horny as fuck but repulsed by sex.
Even if you had a big ol' bonerino, that's still not an excuse for her to take advantage. Even if you were turned on physically, if you didn't want it mentally, that's rape. Plain and simple. It's the same as women that have sex and mid-way through they're not into it and tell the man to stop, but he doesn't. That's rape too. The fact people don't understand this, that this isn't common knowledge, is mind boggling to me.
Edit 2: For fucks sake I'm so angry? I'm angry that if you were fucking her and she said "babe stop I have a headache/I feel sick/I'm not into it anymore/I'm tired" whatever reason, I imagine you would've stopped and comforted her. That's what my partner does, every time, no matter what. That's what I do for him in return, too. But suddenly, it's okay for HER to keep going and to physically hurt you???? IMAGINE IF YOU DID THAT TO HER YOU WOULD BE IN JAAAAIIILLLLLLLLLLL
I should've said those people were 'on her side' rather than a 'victim'. I should've edited it before, apologies for that but the point still stands.
What I meant was that sex felt good but that doesn't mean I was particularly proud of it, but rather I felt ashamed because I didn't want that to happen but it did.
She usually reserves rape whenever she's mad about anything(and I mean anything. Could range from her getting into a big fight with her friend to her favourite character dying in a TV show(which luckily didn't happen frequently)). Other than that she beats me up whenever she feels like it.
I should note that the relationship wasn't like this in the beginning, it was a loving and mostly healthy relationship where we both liked each other and did what any horny teenage couples do, have sex. And then after a while I guess she figured out I'm not someone who'll set in clear boundaries and be more focused on making her happy, then she slowly started to abuse me and goes down that particular slippery slope.
A part of me blames myself for all this because I got into this relationship just to get my dick wet, but unfortunately I stuck into a crazy woman and here I am.
Edit: the worst thing about all this is whenever she rapes me she doesn't make me wear a condom. This scared me a lot back then because I didn't want her to get pregnant and deal with that particular set of consequences
Oh my fucking God she did this multiple times, I thought it was a once off thing, which is bad enough.
A lot of abusers don't show their true colours in the beginning. They wait until they have something to tie you to them. So don't feel like you should've seen it coming, abusers like her hide it intentionally which makes them all the more repulsive. How can you pretend to love someone and then do that to them????
DUDE lots of people get into relationships or have casual relationships just for sex. Do all of those men deserve to suffer what you suffered? No! There are also plenty of women that are only in relationships for sex. Your ex is one of those women. She's just sick in the head on top of that. You were a teenager. She took what should've been a healthy sexual experience and ruined it for you at such a young age.
Your ex is a fucking CHILD getting genuinely angry over petty shit and taking it out on you and I hope she rots in hell frankly. To think that a mental health professional thought what she did was okay is just revolting. There was nothing you could've done to deserve that torture.
....
I just read that last part... that is fucking horrifying. On top of raping you and beating you, she also tried to baby trap you.. what a fucking cunt.
You know what's even worse? My friends ghosting and disassociating from me because me, my ex and my friends were all in the same friend group. So they all believed her and just looked the other way when I pleaded for help.
I should also clarify she also rapes me whenever she feels like it too, so there's that.
This hits hard. Yes, how could they?
Iâm a woman and my perp was a woman (someone I had considered a platonic friend). Just today I heard at work about a previous incident one woman inflicted on another. Neither work there anymore for various unrelated reasons, but the perp in that situation was someone who appeared to be a very warm, caring person I really enjoyed talking to. Itâs really scary to have no idea about people and I didnât get full blown triggered by it but itâs fucking chilling and makes me angry. We are taught to fear menâs actions but women are âsafeâ. I think deep down we all know better but some people have to confront it more directly than others, and some have the privilege of complete and oppressive denial like this guyâs so-called therapist.
I refused to accept I was physically abused until a few weeks ago. And like, Iâm not even that mad about being spanked as a child, although I donât agree with it.
I flinch a lot at people raising their arms near me, or making sudden movements towards me. And I started sifting through my brain and I made a few realizations.
My mom would spank me for things I never did, I did not matter how I pleaded with her, once she made up her mind I was getting beat. How much she beat me depended on how soon I would scream, her goal was to cause me pain. If I stood there silently, she would just keep going. Thatâs when I realized it was really abuse.
I also have a memory of her backhanding me across the face because she accused me of doing something I didnât do and I tried to stick up for myself. Sometimes I wish I hit her back.
I'm still not over how my parents told me that when I'll have kids I'll understand why they spanked me and my sister. I can't imagine ever laying a hand of my or anyone's kid no matter how badly they're acting.
My mum said the EXACT same thing in the last argument we had. Of course she first had to tell me itâs not really that bad because itâs just spanking, and she had it worse so my trauma isnât really that big and Iâm trying to be a victim.
My dad used to say I was âsheltered.â Whatever the fuck that is supposed to mean. He acted like I had a spoiled existence because he was not beating me with a belt like his dad did to him. He still made me pull my pants and underwear down so when he hit me it would hurt more because my skin was bare. That felt super degrading. If he had done that to an adult it would be considered assault. But because I was a child it was considered discipline.
Because of the pulling off clothes part, Iâd even consider that to go into sexual abuse territory. If you had a concept of those being private parts and not to be seen by others then pulling your clothes off to get hit would definitely leak into that territory. Not all sexual abuse is done with sexual intent.
Itâs bizarre how a hard smack on the ass is any different than one in the face. Youâre causing pain as a punishment. The fear I had of my father by the end of my getting spanked days is still ingrained in me
I have vivid memories of him âchasingâ me around the house saying âfe fi fo fum I smell the blood of an englishmanâ It sounds dumb now, but there was genuine horror movie scared of him
My dad never did anything like that cause he never really played with us. Like I know thatâs horrifying, I just wonder if he had play intentions. The only time I remember playing with him was Call of Duty when I was around 10. He kept sniping me over and over despite me having never played it before and being a child. I think he just wanted to frustrate me into never asking to play again.
Also whatâs with dads and the need to command respect through fear
My father was severely abused by his birth family, then went into the military at 18 and was abused by that family. 90% of his behaviors can lead back to the military. âIn the military you donât get to take days off because of a periodâ. He would consistently tell us that if we fucked up, weâd end up living in the gutter. Also held basic necessities against us âshould be so grateful that you have a home and blah blah blahâ I hate that man
The best way I've heard it described:
"Someone that drowns in an one foot pool is just as dead as someone who drowns in a twenty foot pool."
It doesn't matter if you think you haven't suffered enough. You'll still be dead in that pool.
The bus sign and the two office ones really resonate with me, especially after recent sessions with my therapist.
I maintain my childhood was reasonably happy, but working through timelines, the significant memories are truly excruciating to go through and I didn't realise how painful and deeply affecting they were.
I was a sensitive child but I thought I had grown out of it.
I was wrong, I have 40+ years of repressed pain and emotions.
I had blunted my ability to feel my emotions.
It's incredibly difficult to rewire the brain after so many years.
I'll drop an example:
As a child, were you a slow eater?
As a child, were you picky about what you would eat?
Did your parents make you sit at the table, in the dark, until you had cleared your plate?
I don't like children. At all. Stephan Molyneux is a loon on many topics but he convinced me on 'peaceful parenting', lot of good studies available, and no part of my being convinced relied on empathy for children. It's knowing, factually, it will lead to long term damaged adults (whom I am suddenly more capable of caring about and wishing well for than kids) and a broken society.
I don't care if when you were five you dropped to the floor screaming and shat yourself in the greeting card aisle (let's set aside how likely it is any kid that does this is already probably broken and suppose it's not IMPOSSIBLE for a five year old to really go off at the limits of their frustration tolerance). Kids need some consequence to learn from, but no one needs to be wallowing in the psychological aftermath of those "consequences" a year or more out, much less into adulthood.
For us, if you got smacked by Mam, you would get a much worse one from Dad.
As I told my therapist, it was like walking on egg shells all the time when my Dad was in the house.
It wasn't necessarily the physical pain of the punishment, it was the fear and terror before you got it.
I was scared of my Dad as a child, but to be honest, I still am.
I'm in my 50s.
My mom saying how this generation needs to be beat more and we behave badly due to not enough spankings. Then her being confused when her daughter accepts her husband beating her as love. Gee, it's almost like you taught her physical abuse is love or something.
My gf was essentially ignored by her parents. They had money, they had resources, but the house was full of bugs, moldy food, filthy bathrooms; they watched her get depressed to the point that her bedroom was covered in a layer of trash half a foot thick. She couldn't do her schoolwork, but they never helped her, just told her to 'just do it'. Never were aggressive or violent or anything- but they were distant, sarcastic, and neglectful. It took about a decade to get her to accept help of any kind on anything, as well as encouragement, compliments, etc., without her getting angry. We are animals that need compassionate love and care. All kinds of childhood abuse will leave a lasting mark.
I hope not lasting or that atleast with conscious efforts we'll be able to erase the harm they caused. In my case I had forgotten most of my childhood until I tried to deeply reflect on why I so often at different stages of my life had bouts of depression and thoughts of life being meaningless and giving up. One day out of the blue I remembered memories of being beaten on the head with a heavy wooden rod and it hurting so much that my ears would ring, I'd fall to the floor each time and think I should be dead and don't deserve life, that the world would be better off. It was heartbreaking to remember that and I still can't help be teary when I recall it. Different forms of abuse affect you differently and none is acceptable. Somehow it always just escalates. She'd beat me with her hand earlier when we were still living with grandparents but when we moved a floor above in the same building it switched to a rod, being locked up in a room without light and more awful stuff. As an adult after becoming less vulnerable to her caustic words and insults (she couldn't beat me up lol though she tried) she resorted to saying multiple times how birthing me was a mistake. Hearing that was terrible. I've always spoken up for mental health and even helped people who were on the ledge and thinking of self harm/ending things to reconsider. I can't understand people hurting others and edging them to a path of no return. Anyway, Moved out. I went back for 2 days since Dad had a medical procedure and she's acting like she never said anything hurtful and as if nothing ever happened. I don't want to carry this as a grudge, but I sure won't allow myself to be shamed or guilted for my feelings. Not everyone deserves your kindness, compassion or affection.
Any parent saying "IT COULD BE WORSE, YA KNOW?" are massive trash heaps. I know it could be worse, because I was told that "IT COULD BE WORSE" all the *damn* time. And that's why I never told about that time I got hurt. Cuz I didn't have it as bad as the other kids that got hurt... so I did tell anyone. Oops. It could be better, and it should be better. Now I just have to... ughh... work harder to make it better. Crap...
Omg I resonate with this so much.... A little over 6 months ago I confronted my mother, a bit scared, about something id just realized - I think she was emotionally abusive to me as a young child I said this nicely, softly, and her response? Answer flashimg in her eyes, she sat straight up and yelled "YOU EMOTIONALLY ABUSED ME WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD!!!" This kicked off a very confusing 6 months of struggling with the "brainwashing" my covertly unstable mother unintentionally did over 2 decades One of my recent bfs strangled me multiple times and she said that my decision to stay then was "slowly killing" her but she will NOT accept hearing that her (somewhat continued) behavior is what has destroyed me to this point. All without me even noticing till now. Her refusal to look at herself and be even a little self aware is fucking insane, and I'm blamed for everything and having faulty wiring or whatever. I never told my mother about all the terrible things that happened growing up because I thought I was supposed to suffer, like it was just normal to be miserable. Even that now is my fault :( can't imagine how being literally depressed at 7 years old is my fault.... She also will mock me saying "oh I was SUCH a bad parent WASNT I, the WORST IN THE WORLD, NO OTHER PARENT WAS WORSE" with such anger..... how did I grow up thinking that volitility was normal? The biggest part is that I did feel like an imposter for so long. Likely most people with BPD go through much worse than whatever I did at home. Edit: immediately after commenting im very embarrassed to have overshared like that. I'm clearly still grappling with it all, I hope my rambling might strike a chord with someone who may read this :)
>immediately after commenting im very embarrassed to have overshared like that It's fine, you're fine. If nothing else, putting experiences into words is helpful for processing trauma. >I never told [...] about all the terrible things that happened growing up because I thought I was supposed to suffer, like it was just normal to be miserable Struck a chord. It sucks because even when I feel that I've moved into accepting that I cannot change the past, I'm still angry and sad at levels that aren't acceptable. Growing up I also had a lot of 'nuh-uh, you're the abusive one. Forget the kids helpphone, where's the parent abuse hotline? you kids have been so awful to me. you're lucky that I have to love you because I don't like you' whenever I'd try to bring up my needs or emotions, so I had wrongly learned that 1: expressing my feelings or needs is abusive, 2: having my needs met is conditional on being liked enough by my caregivers, and 3: whatever resources that exist, other people deserve them more. Those mistaken beliefs... they do not go well with growing up into a happy healthy and well adjusted adult. At least there's dozens of us, dozens! Are you also like, 9000x more self aware and emotionally perceptive too? It's the worst fucking *super power* istg. Cool, I know I'm messed up **and** I get to notice each and every mood anybody is in ALL. THE. TIME.
You are shining a light on what your mom wanted to keep in the dark, and her voice that is in your head is already screaming at you to *STOP THAT!* If you're parents are shitty, DO START SNITCHING! Safely, tho, a lot of peeps on this subreddit are still in the teeth of the beast. đ When I try to tell my dad the way his words have hurt and damaged me, he is ALREADY MAD. The instant I mention any of his mistakes, RAGE. But that worked when he was 40 and I was 10. Now I am 40 and he is 70, LOLOLOLOL. "I can yell louder than you!" No matter how sad or scared I was, he would drop that line to shut me down. This is a concept I have realized: my parents raised me to be a little bitch! It has served me *very* poorly, but that's not their problem either...? It seems like they got you too! Here you are, standing up for yourself, and what do you get in return? ...yeah, some more bullshit. Just typing this out, you are way stronger than this old lady. But a lot of parents raised their kids to be little bitches. So... dang, that shit is SAD. But there's a lot of us weirdos down in this pit of despair! I mean, there's like a hero arc from anime here: you (and lots of us) have some filthy little shit standing on your (our) neck(s.) And now that you know you have to stand up, welp... these little shits will have no where to go except to fall on their ass. We've been training at 100x Earth's Emotional Abuse Gravity. Yadda yadda yadda, I am sending my thoughts and SWEARS đ¤Ź. Good luck, yo~~~~
Stop comparing your struggles with others. Itâs such an easy way to manipulate kids into shutting up
Is that where my inferiority complex comes from?
"you'd prefer living with your best friend who's parents are constantly drunk and hit them with a belt?" No mum, I know it could be worse but that doesn't mean that you can hit me or my sister. It could be way worse yeah but it wasn't good. Ugh I hate parents who slap the "it could be worse" card on you
i am going to quote my gran "if you have to discipline your child by laying your hands on them, then you have failed as a person and a parent"
I stan your gran
Can your gran be my gran?
well since my gran is unfortunately no longer with us no... but if she was still around i don't see why she'd say no. she was the type of old lady that make grown muscle men cry with only her words, she helped me in some of my darkest moments hell she managed to convince me not to hate myself because of my autism using of all things pancakes. she was a smart and very kind woman for those that need it but just as much she would happily stub and isolate people that actively abused others, hell she reminded me that i didn't need to feel any pity nor forgive my abusers because they had a choice to do what they did. i didn't choose to exist or be who/what i am but they had a choice, no one could say "i didn't know" especially in a day and age where information is often keystrokes away.
I'm sorry for your loss. She sounds like such a sweet lady â¤ď¸
she was but she was extremely sweet but i have seen her be cruel not actively physically harmful but i remember growing up and her accidentally running over one of my bullies toes with her mobility scooter. she was going to say "oh sorry" but when she recognized who it was and his mother went "oh you're not going to say sorry?" my grand replied, "i do not apologies to human garbage" of which she just rolled on with her day. if anyone bullies her grandchildren then god help the poor fuck that stands in her way if she tries to balance the scales.
Thank you for these. I hope you have an amazing year
You too, sweetheart
The very logical side of my brain always wants to debate if there can be ethical, non-abusive spanking. I often try to suppress that side, I don't like him. But everything else in me says that spanking opens up something dark in the parent that isn't just a loving parenting aspect that gets misused. My mother was extreme, she'd tangle my legs up in my pants/shorts/undies so I couldn't escape and pin me down to spank me, and the look on her face could not be described as "just doing the best according to her understanding." And it requires society to twist up their understanding of normal behaviour. Imagine this conversation. I never had it, but it exposes hypocrisy. Teacher: hey kiddo, why are you upset and quiet? Little me: yesterday my mother chased me down and pulled down my pants so I was naked from the down, and then she pinned me down. Teacher: Oh no! Did she touch you? Little Me: yes, she repeatedly hit me hard on the butt and eventually had to pin her elbow into my back to hold me down. Teacher: oh, so she didn't "touch you touch you", she was just intentionally inflicting pain on you in a violent way while you screamed? Little Me, too innocent to understand that "touch me" in that context means my dick: but she did touch me!
I think it's good that you try to suppress that side of yourself because the way I see it, even if parents spank their kids out of love and not to hurt them, there are still better parenting methods out there that won't result in psychological damage. I was having a conversation on YouTube with a father who genuinely believed he could take credit for spanking his kids because he truly believed he was being a good dad. I've spoken face to face with a distant cousin who did it to his daughter. Now, his daughter is successful, and he thinks she's successful just because he "disciplined" her. He thinks he can take credit for it! I argued, "She could've easily been psychologically damaged by what you did and spiralled out of control. You don't get to take fucking credit for her turning out a decent adult. That's her win." He didn't listen. My distant cousin is Gen X btw, raised in the 80s when spanking was normal. He also doesn't believe autism or adhd or any mental health disorder exists because "it wasn't around back then." People like him are insufferable and just plain stupid. I tried to say, "If your child had an autistic meltdown and you spanked her, only to realise that she was having an autistic meltdown, how would you feel?" He responded by saying Autism isn't real, and its just kids being bratty/picky. Sigh. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is the side of you that says hitting kids is wrong is the right side. You should always listen to that side. People, especially parents, have NO idea how easy it is to fuck up a child mentally. You don't even have to lay a hand on them to do that. It's so hard to fix, too. I'm dreadfully sorry for what happened to you, and I hope your mother rots in regret for the rest of her life. Did the teacher say/do anything of comfort? Or did she invalidate your trauma?
I know what I went through is true. But I feel like it's not as valid as the others(women in this case) because of what I see and hear. All this was made worse by my therapist who said something like 'men can't get raped'.
Wow you therapist sure does suck. Men can be raped, I'm so sorry that happened, and just because it doesn't fit the stereotypical narrative doesn't mean you don't deserve to heal and feel validated. They really just handing out licenses these days wtf
I'm fortunate enough to have my aunt and grandpa there to support me and validate my feelings so it's not all *that* bad.
Awww, that's good I'm glad you have support <3
Please get a new therapist, that one shouldnât have a license.
That therapist made things even worse by victim blaming me and saying things like 'what did I do to make her mad' and stuff like that. I stopped going yo therapy after that
I am so sorry. That should never have happened. You deserve better. None of it was your fault.
I really want to believe that, but I keep blaming myself because the red flags were obvious and I ignored them because I was outright smitten with her. And also she manipulated me into thinking I can't be without her. It's hard for me to break out of that cycle. At least I'm glad there is this online community who's supportive and helpful.
Ugghh, now I think she should be in prison. She manipulated you and groomed you, just like every other abuser does and for some bizarre reason only known to the universe abusers are incredibly good at it, though in her case she had the added help of knowing the psychology behind it as well. If you feel safe enough to do so and have the energy, file a complaint to her licensing board. Absolutely none of your experience with her was your fault. None of it. It doesnât matter that red flags were there. It. Wasnât. Your. Fault. She was your therapist, the responsibility was hers and she completely took advantage and abused that responsibility. You deserve to have a therapist who actually does there job to help you heal. Iâm glad you have this community, and I hope someday you can feel safe enough to see a therapist again that is actually a healer. the ones that do their job are actually helpful and donât cause more trauma. Regardless I hope your healing journey goes better. And again: It wasnât your fault, not the assault, not the âtherapyâ. None of it.
Thank you so much for your kind words, I truly appreciate it. I'm currently trying to heal through all this with the help of my aunt and grandpa, they're my only family left and I won't be here without them. With their help I'm slowly trying to get myself into a better spot.
Good, I am so glad you have your Aunt and grandfather. â¤ď¸âđŠš
They're the only family I have left. Without their support and love I'd probably not be alive
>'men can't get raped'. I wouldn't trust *anyone* willfully ignorant enough to say something like that. They need to be reported and thrown into a volcano.
Drop his address haha not for any reason haha Oh does this man happen to be allergic to bullets? /hj
My rapist was a woman, she was my ex. Even though I want to get back at her, I don't think doxxing will solve much. And I live in the UK so no guns, and it's a double whammy because according to UK law, men can't get raped by women
This makes me so fucking angry as a woman. WOMEN KNOW THE FEAR OF BEING RAPED. How fucking dare any woman do it to someone else??? I know I don't know you but I'm genuinely so upset that this happened and there's nothing you can do. Men are painted as horny animals who always want/need sex and this just isn't true. Men can be violated, sexually assaulted and raped too and it's just as bad as a woman being raped or a man raping another man. It's such a ridiculous double standard because I bet the law would've done something if you were raped by a male but because you were raped by a female, you get "you must've done something to deserve it," "you should be grateful," "was she hot?"You must be gay if you didn't want that." All of that bullshit. I can not believe a MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL SAID THAT KIND OF SHIT TO YOU. I wonder, if you identified as gay and the same thing happened, would they care? Of course not! Because men are "supposed" to be attracted to women, they're "supposed" to have sex with women, and apparently let women rape them! I'm so lost for words. I hope you're doing better, and if you're not, I hope you can heal from this one day, and I hope that skank gets what's coming to her. I'm also very relieved to hear you have a support system and a family that loves you and believes you. That must be so refreshing â¤ď¸
Thank you for your supportive words. I've heard all of it mostly from women and the occasional white knight trying to pin the blame on me or gaslight me. It's disgusting when I think about it because these people just don't understand what I've been through and won't look outside their own perspective. Sure the sex felt nice, but I didn't want it and I was forced to endure it(she'd hurt me until I give in and let her do it. Somehow that passed as 'consent' for her so she didn't really feel guilty about that). What's worse is that some of these people thought she was the victim saying things like "what did you do to make her do this", "you should've been more caring"
Fuck hearing that you enjoyed it physically just makes this so much worse. A lot of women are ahamed for orgasming while they're raped. THIS IS LITERALLY THE SAME THING. JUST BECAUSE IT FELT GOOD DOESN'T MEAN IT WASN'T RAPE. My goodness... How can anyone do that to someone? Okay, lets play their game for a bit. Even if she was the victim in this, which she certainly isn't, her "having sex" with you isn't a mature way to solve whatever issue you supposedly caused. You don't fuck people you're angry with as revenge or whatever. You talk about it like a civilised adult. They sound like the type to victim blame anyone. "What were you wearing/what did you do to receive that attention?" "What did you do for your husband to beat you?" THE POINT IS NO ONE DESERVES THIS (except maybe the abusers themselves. If they knew how it felt maybe they wouldn't do it. I know that's cruel to say). Edit: I'd also like to say that while I have never been raped (that I know of. My dad mightâve tampered with me when I was a toddler, but we don't think about that lmao), I understand how it feels to be physically turned on but not mentally turned on and vice versa, and how confusing that can be. I also understand what it's like to be simultaneously horny as fuck but repulsed by sex. Even if you had a big ol' bonerino, that's still not an excuse for her to take advantage. Even if you were turned on physically, if you didn't want it mentally, that's rape. Plain and simple. It's the same as women that have sex and mid-way through they're not into it and tell the man to stop, but he doesn't. That's rape too. The fact people don't understand this, that this isn't common knowledge, is mind boggling to me. Edit 2: For fucks sake I'm so angry? I'm angry that if you were fucking her and she said "babe stop I have a headache/I feel sick/I'm not into it anymore/I'm tired" whatever reason, I imagine you would've stopped and comforted her. That's what my partner does, every time, no matter what. That's what I do for him in return, too. But suddenly, it's okay for HER to keep going and to physically hurt you???? IMAGINE IF YOU DID THAT TO HER YOU WOULD BE IN JAAAAIIILLLLLLLLLLL
I should've said those people were 'on her side' rather than a 'victim'. I should've edited it before, apologies for that but the point still stands. What I meant was that sex felt good but that doesn't mean I was particularly proud of it, but rather I felt ashamed because I didn't want that to happen but it did. She usually reserves rape whenever she's mad about anything(and I mean anything. Could range from her getting into a big fight with her friend to her favourite character dying in a TV show(which luckily didn't happen frequently)). Other than that she beats me up whenever she feels like it. I should note that the relationship wasn't like this in the beginning, it was a loving and mostly healthy relationship where we both liked each other and did what any horny teenage couples do, have sex. And then after a while I guess she figured out I'm not someone who'll set in clear boundaries and be more focused on making her happy, then she slowly started to abuse me and goes down that particular slippery slope. A part of me blames myself for all this because I got into this relationship just to get my dick wet, but unfortunately I stuck into a crazy woman and here I am. Edit: the worst thing about all this is whenever she rapes me she doesn't make me wear a condom. This scared me a lot back then because I didn't want her to get pregnant and deal with that particular set of consequences
Oh my fucking God she did this multiple times, I thought it was a once off thing, which is bad enough. A lot of abusers don't show their true colours in the beginning. They wait until they have something to tie you to them. So don't feel like you should've seen it coming, abusers like her hide it intentionally which makes them all the more repulsive. How can you pretend to love someone and then do that to them???? DUDE lots of people get into relationships or have casual relationships just for sex. Do all of those men deserve to suffer what you suffered? No! There are also plenty of women that are only in relationships for sex. Your ex is one of those women. She's just sick in the head on top of that. You were a teenager. She took what should've been a healthy sexual experience and ruined it for you at such a young age. Your ex is a fucking CHILD getting genuinely angry over petty shit and taking it out on you and I hope she rots in hell frankly. To think that a mental health professional thought what she did was okay is just revolting. There was nothing you could've done to deserve that torture. .... I just read that last part... that is fucking horrifying. On top of raping you and beating you, she also tried to baby trap you.. what a fucking cunt.
You know what's even worse? My friends ghosting and disassociating from me because me, my ex and my friends were all in the same friend group. So they all believed her and just looked the other way when I pleaded for help. I should also clarify she also rapes me whenever she feels like it too, so there's that.
This hits hard. Yes, how could they? Iâm a woman and my perp was a woman (someone I had considered a platonic friend). Just today I heard at work about a previous incident one woman inflicted on another. Neither work there anymore for various unrelated reasons, but the perp in that situation was someone who appeared to be a very warm, caring person I really enjoyed talking to. Itâs really scary to have no idea about people and I didnât get full blown triggered by it but itâs fucking chilling and makes me angry. We are taught to fear menâs actions but women are âsafeâ. I think deep down we all know better but some people have to confront it more directly than others, and some have the privilege of complete and oppressive denial like this guyâs so-called therapist.
I refused to accept I was physically abused until a few weeks ago. And like, Iâm not even that mad about being spanked as a child, although I donât agree with it. I flinch a lot at people raising their arms near me, or making sudden movements towards me. And I started sifting through my brain and I made a few realizations. My mom would spank me for things I never did, I did not matter how I pleaded with her, once she made up her mind I was getting beat. How much she beat me depended on how soon I would scream, her goal was to cause me pain. If I stood there silently, she would just keep going. Thatâs when I realized it was really abuse. I also have a memory of her backhanding me across the face because she accused me of doing something I didnât do and I tried to stick up for myself. Sometimes I wish I hit her back.
I know this is true, but I sometimes fall back into it. It's good to keep reminding myself.
I'm still not over how my parents told me that when I'll have kids I'll understand why they spanked me and my sister. I can't imagine ever laying a hand of my or anyone's kid no matter how badly they're acting.
My mum said the EXACT same thing in the last argument we had. Of course she first had to tell me itâs not really that bad because itâs just spanking, and she had it worse so my trauma isnât really that big and Iâm trying to be a victim.
Yeah, my family tells me that itâs a knee jerk reaction and something that they couldnât control
My dad used to say I was âsheltered.â Whatever the fuck that is supposed to mean. He acted like I had a spoiled existence because he was not beating me with a belt like his dad did to him. He still made me pull my pants and underwear down so when he hit me it would hurt more because my skin was bare. That felt super degrading. If he had done that to an adult it would be considered assault. But because I was a child it was considered discipline.
Because of the pulling off clothes part, Iâd even consider that to go into sexual abuse territory. If you had a concept of those being private parts and not to be seen by others then pulling your clothes off to get hit would definitely leak into that territory. Not all sexual abuse is done with sexual intent.
Thank you đ
Thank you, I was needing this <3
please tap the sign. nearly 8 years after moving out and im just now unraveling everything and it feels almost impossible to understand
Inflicting pain on a private part of your childâs body is pedophilic and sadistic. Such an Illogical and violent punishment.
Itâs bizarre how a hard smack on the ass is any different than one in the face. Youâre causing pain as a punishment. The fear I had of my father by the end of my getting spanked days is still ingrained in me
I remember sobbing and begging him not to. I donât understand how anyone could do that to a child
I have vivid memories of him âchasingâ me around the house saying âfe fi fo fum I smell the blood of an englishmanâ It sounds dumb now, but there was genuine horror movie scared of him
My dad never did anything like that cause he never really played with us. Like I know thatâs horrifying, I just wonder if he had play intentions. The only time I remember playing with him was Call of Duty when I was around 10. He kept sniping me over and over despite me having never played it before and being a child. I think he just wanted to frustrate me into never asking to play again. Also whatâs with dads and the need to command respect through fear
My father was severely abused by his birth family, then went into the military at 18 and was abused by that family. 90% of his behaviors can lead back to the military. âIn the military you donât get to take days off because of a periodâ. He would consistently tell us that if we fucked up, weâd end up living in the gutter. Also held basic necessities against us âshould be so grateful that you have a home and blah blah blahâ I hate that man
â¤ď¸â¤ď¸â¤ď¸
This one really hit home...
The best way I've heard it described: "Someone that drowns in an one foot pool is just as dead as someone who drowns in a twenty foot pool." It doesn't matter if you think you haven't suffered enough. You'll still be dead in that pool.
Well I've finally been targeted on r/cptsdmemes This is a monumental occasion my dudes
>:)
I swear I sometimes wanna rewrite "Adventures of Tom Sawyer" where Mr. Dobbins gets it much worse for beating kids in school.
That 3rd one hit hard đĽ˛
5 of 7. Just ranted at volume at my mum about this one. Thanks.
Thereâs something for everyone thanksđ
I needed this today, thank you đĽš
"It's corporal punishment, not abuse" All punishment is abuse
My parents were unstable alcoholics that were either neglecting me entirely or screaming in my face and calling me names.
The bus sign and the two office ones really resonate with me, especially after recent sessions with my therapist. I maintain my childhood was reasonably happy, but working through timelines, the significant memories are truly excruciating to go through and I didn't realise how painful and deeply affecting they were. I was a sensitive child but I thought I had grown out of it. I was wrong, I have 40+ years of repressed pain and emotions. I had blunted my ability to feel my emotions. It's incredibly difficult to rewire the brain after so many years. I'll drop an example: As a child, were you a slow eater? As a child, were you picky about what you would eat? Did your parents make you sit at the table, in the dark, until you had cleared your plate?
I don't like children. At all. Stephan Molyneux is a loon on many topics but he convinced me on 'peaceful parenting', lot of good studies available, and no part of my being convinced relied on empathy for children. It's knowing, factually, it will lead to long term damaged adults (whom I am suddenly more capable of caring about and wishing well for than kids) and a broken society. I don't care if when you were five you dropped to the floor screaming and shat yourself in the greeting card aisle (let's set aside how likely it is any kid that does this is already probably broken and suppose it's not IMPOSSIBLE for a five year old to really go off at the limits of their frustration tolerance). Kids need some consequence to learn from, but no one needs to be wallowing in the psychological aftermath of those "consequences" a year or more out, much less into adulthood.
For us, if you got smacked by Mam, you would get a much worse one from Dad. As I told my therapist, it was like walking on egg shells all the time when my Dad was in the house. It wasn't necessarily the physical pain of the punishment, it was the fear and terror before you got it. I was scared of my Dad as a child, but to be honest, I still am. I'm in my 50s.
Thank you for that, I can stop scrolling now and go eat the food I have wanted for - about 2 hours, oof.