I don’t have much substantial to offer other than my upvote.
I can say that if you try to find one thing each day that brings you joy and peace, it helps. Just one thing. Then maybe 2 or 3.
Whether it’s cuddling with your dog, the smell of freshly made coffee in the morning, reading some of a good book, watching a cheesy love film (I recommend Sleepless in Seattle), finishing a workout and feeling accomplishment, giving a loved one a gift and watching their face light up, hugging a family member or a friend...the possibilities are endless!
The pain may not ever go away. You can accept it and continue living. You don’t have to dwell in it. That invites suffering. Pain happens. Accept the pain. Make a commitment to yourself to live in the present and find those things that bring you joy.
It’s OK to cry. It’s OK to feel shitty. Feelings come and go. When you’re done, pick yourself up and go do something. You are more than your feelings or thoughts.
You deserve happiness.
Thank you for this thoughtful comment. I definitely struggle with distraction. I struggle finding joy in pretty much anything. I try but I definitely dwell in it and I am suffering. Happiness feels elusive. But I will continue to try.
I came here to say this ^ OP, sounds like you have clinical depression and could benefit temporarily from meds. If your therapist does cognitive behavioral therapy, start alongside meds, this will help you a ton and probably cure you so you don’t have to feel this way anymore.
I am sure you have tried many things. The illustrated version of the happiness trap helped me immensely.
Also learning that I was an adult child with abandonment issues helped me to understand and forgive myself helped a lot.
https://www.amazon.com/Illustrated-Happiness-Trap-Struggling-Living/dp/1611801575/
https://adultchildren.org/newcomer/am-i-an-adult-child/
Questions 10-20 really hit me. I am not crazy about 12 are programs, but sometimes they have some good points.
6 months out from permanent separation but 4 years out from the unforgivable realization that she cheated on me with 5 different guys ...
Yeah. I'll never get over this. Never have a child with another woman. Never give myself fully to another human.
Maybe that's best. Since I was a child I've always felt I was to be alone. I thought that was a childish fantasy then, but maybe I was onto something.
I was always meant to find my own path. To always feel the sting and the pain, and the reality of being alone.
It's really finally totally believable now at the age of 40. Before now I could always chalk it up to immaturity. But I'm almost an old man now. My hair is grey, my mind is not growing but shrinking.
I'm finally coming to grips with it. It's better than shackling myself to a demon who hurts me with every single breath. Such has been my previous relationship experience.
At least I can be safe with myself. At least I have my safe harbor where nobody can stab me anymore. At least I can be free to be me, without the searing pain of rejection.
This world is not kind to lovers. I of all people know that.
I’m sorry this happened to you. I understand where you are coming from. I often wonder if a life with a partner is now behind me...destined to be alone for the rest of my days. It’s hard to imagine loving someone else but I also struggle with the thought of being alone. I loved sharing my life with someone, but I also think that there’s unlikely to be someone who will make me feel the same way my partner did. I truly only want him. I feel no one else will measure up. It’s a sad existence.
I too have been broken up with my ex for about 1.5years. We were not married (same sex relationship) and been together for almost 21years.
I still see her when we have to pass our dog over to each other. The dog is 14.5 years old. And we both just couldn't let the dog go. I love him very much and he is like my kid.
I was doing pretty well until about 2 months ago she told me that she always treated me as family and still does. Who does that. I was doing well when all we did was talk about the dog needs when we see each other. I was over why she decided not want to be together and there was no closure. Just by her telling me that I am family to her, just brought back all the pain of the break-up.
I just feel that if you have always treated me as family, you should not have given up so easily. Nothing much was said to me for so long, especially when in the beginning of the break-up I was asking for another chance. And when I start to move forward with my life, she said that.
I come to this forum because I feel more connected to here, maybe because of the length of the relationship & maybe because we had our own family, we were supposed to grow old together.
Anyway, I think I cannot do another relationship anymore. It's taken a lot out of me. I think I am meant to be alone. I don't have close friends & I am also not close to my family (and they live overseas).
I am learning to live my life alone and it is not easy but after she said that, it makes it even harder.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Oh...this is difficult for sure. I know how much continuing to see your partner can hurt. It keeps the wound raw. But her saying that to you...seems cruel. It’s almost like she doesn’t want you to move on. I can’t help but wonder if she wants to keep you holding on because she doesn’t like the idea of you finding someone else.
Only she knows what mind games she was playing. Because after that telling me that & me not commenting. It's as if it was not mentioned.
Now she is back to just talking about the needs & well-being of our dog.
Hey OP, I hope with more time we will feel much better, and feel less broken as more time passes by. Stay strong my friend. My DM is open if you just want to vent or talk.
“Like family.” Think about those words specifically. Do you think of the rest of your family in romantic terms? Do you think she thinks of her family in romantic terms? You two spent over 20 years together. It’s not realistic for either one of you to suddenly view the other as nothing, to not have any significance. Just don’t mistake familial significance for romantic significance.
I’m in the midst of separation right now myself, also a 20+ year relationship. Yeah, the romantic relationship broke down, but we’ll still always be family (especially since we have kids). We can still count on each other for support if ever needed, just like we would with any other family member.
Now, if you can’t handle that (and no judgment if you can’t, as everyone handles breakups differently - there’s no right/wrong here), then perhaps you just need to be straight-up with her about that; tell her, “I’m not your family, and it hurts me when you talk about me like I’m suddenly just your sister or something.” Hopefully she’ll get the message that she’s not comforting you by saying such things.
I hear what you are saying.
I did tell her that we can't be friends. I am not ready to. And I don't know when I will be or if I ever will.
So by saying that after these time, just brings all the pain back for me.
Thank you for your honest reply. I once read it takes 1-1.5 years of healing for every 7 years together. As I was with my ex for over 25 years I can see how 5 years could be right for me.
A big part of it was accepting I was going to feel bad. Not beating myself up for have grief. I’ve had trouble letting go in the past and accepting. The Wise Heart by Kornfield helped me a lot. I also liked the Holistic Pscyhologist on Insta. Both kept me mentally moving in the right direction.
I’m still young but it was a decade of my life and I had my heart broken twice in a row. But I also made some small promises to myself about my health and my social life. I determined to exercise daily (damn, it really does help.) And to find something that challenged me and forced me to engage socially (I chose dance classes.) I told myself if the rest of the time outside of exercising and dancing I wanted to be miserable, I could be. But I couldn’t quit the “good stuff” - the anchors.
And I was miserable for a while. I would sit in a hot shower and just cry for a long time. I’d fall asleep in front of the TV so the sound made me feel not alone (get a pet. Damn it helps too.) I still have days where the pain is there. But it changes too. I cycled through all the stages of grief many times. I was deeply attached. And eventually I didn’t miss him. I had new friends, a new body, new interests. I had a life he wouldn’t fit into now if he wanted.
We do heal and can remake ourselves. It just takes time. And not avoiding the grief.
Edit to add: I also added a meditation practice and of course, therapy.
1.5 years isn’t too long, especially in Covid years...at least half of your time has probably be in quarantine. I’m nearly 3.5 years out, engaged and I still experience great waves of pain. Go easy on yourself. There are somethings you can do that will make you feel better. The one reply about gratitude is spot on...find something...anything to be grateful for each day. Also I really think exercise is helpful. It releases a serotonin chemical in your brain. Try to force yourself to move. Lastly, it sounds crazy but cold showers can be really helpful. Something about the rush of blood to your extremities that can help momentarily snap you out of a funk. Don’t give up. You’ll get there
Thank you for the suggestions. I know I should exercise. I lack the motivation for it these days but will have to force myself into it. I will make it a priority in the New Year. I’ve also signed up for guitar lessons. Something I’ve always wanted to learn. Hoping it will be a decent distraction.
I believe that how well we deal with heartbreak, all depends on how much we are willing to work at letting go of what we once had. If we let our minds keep trying to hold on to and wish that we had back what we had, we will never be able to let go of what we have lost.
I find it helpful to keep in mind that a relationship that is ending in divorce, is very different than when two people who are dating end up breaking up. When we are just dating someone, we may have hopes that we will spend the rest of our lives with the person that we are with, but at the same time, we know that there is a good chance that won't be the case. Because of this we tend not to have the same kind of connection that a married couple may have and can move on more easily when that dating relationship ends.
But when it comes to being married, we have really built up an expectation to be with this person for the rest of our lives. This makes it much harder to be able to let go of someone even after the divorce. We have to keep working at letting go of those expectations that we had for our life with them. It's not and easy process, but if it is just ignored, we will never be able to let go of them so that we can move on with our own lives.
It has almost been 3 years since my ex told me that she wanted a divorce from a 2 year marriage, and I am just now starting to get to the point where I think I may be ready to start building something new with someone else. You are dealing with a relationship coming to an end that took place over 20 years of your life. It is going to take time to be able to let go of that. Work to focus on yourself for a while and try to refigure out who you are. Work to build on those aspects and you work to move past your marriage.
Another thing you may want to think about is checking out a program called Divorce Care ([divorcecare.org](https://divorcecare.org)). This is a group meeting with others going through a divorce and it can be a big help to be able to talk to others going through the same thing. The group that I went to had people who were going through the divorce at that time, as well as others who were well past the actual divorce but still working to get mentally past it.
Thank you for this. We were married for over 20 years but together for over 25. We grew up together. I don’t even know what my life is supposed to look like without my partner. I truly never thought I’d be where I’m at now. I definitely struggle with letting go. I’m not quite ready to let go yet. I still am holding on to some hope that we will reconcile in the future.
I completely understand that you love her and that it is hard to let yourself let go of that hope, but do yourself a favor and work to let go of that hope. Holding onto it is only going to hurt you more. Let yourself focus on you so that you can get back on your feet and start living your life again. If at some point she contacts you and wants to retry things, think about that then when you are strong on your own feet. Don't keep holding yourself back on the chance to move forward in your life. The longer that you hold yourself back, the harder you will make it for you to be able to let go of that hope and move forward because you won't want to let yourself believe that you have held yourself back for so long and that nothing is going to come of it.
Thank you for your kindness. I’m guessing women leave men more often?...but I’m the wife...my husband left me. I try to let go...it is something that I’m working on in therapy...but she’s made it clear it will take me some time. She tells me that in order to ever be a good partner for anyone (including him) I need to be able to be an interesting person on my own. This is the first time I’ve ever lived alone, discovering myself?...most times I don’t even know what that means. I know I don’t like any of it but unfortunately he hasn’t given me much choice.
This is good advice. As long as you’re clinging to hope that you’ll reconcile, you’re not letting yourself fully grieve the end of the relationship so you can get past it and move on. Instead, you’re just trapping yourself in this perpetual purgatory.
While I respect the differences between marriage and dating, the differences can be a little grey depending on the circumstances. I was once married for 7 years, together 12, and the divorce (2 small children involved) was devastating, as it is to you all here. It took a long time for me to recover from that part of my life dying. The forced change was almost too much to bear. It was a tremendous struggle.
Now, I find myself in the same situation 12 years later. This time there was no marriage, but cohabitating for 7 years and owning a home together and the raising of our children from our previous marriages. We had a life long future together. Not being married yet was too sour for her. For that and other reasons, she recently left. I find the loss just as painful now as I did the first time from my divorce. It's all situational.. not whether there was a state issued contract of marriage. It's about time. How much did you invest into the relationship. What else disappears with the split. Kids? Pets? Home?
This resonates with me completely. Over 25 years of my life...growing up together...I don’t know what my life looks like without him at all and I’m having a miserable time trying to figure it out. “How do I get rid of a love I don’t want to get rid of?”...exactly this! I tell people that I don’t even want to be happy without him and they think that’s insane, but he was my everything! I don’t want anything else. I definitely feel “alive, but dead”....just existing.
This that you said to another commenter:
*We were married for over 20 years but together for over 25. We grew up together.*
My (51F) ex and I were married 25 years and yeah, we basically raised each other. If you're a person who believes that marriage is a sacred blending of 2 lives (most major religions have some version of "the two shall become one flesh" as part of their paradigm for marriage,) then it makes sense that betrayal and divorce SHOULD be a rending in half of a soul. And it *should* take a long time to heal from that. Hell, it takes longer than 1.5 years to fully heal from an amputated limb that was once part of your body. Souls are deeper and more eternal than bodies: you do the math on that.
There are plenty of people who say that this idea of 2 people becoming 1 is unhealthy. That it's not the point; that marriage should be more of a "contractual relationship;" that "one flesh" is not a worthy goal. I say that those people don't understand the beautiful fullness that a relationship CAN be when you blend your life so fully with another.
Unfortunately, the corollary is: the higher the height (of joy, love, friendship, trust) the harder the fall.
It's been 1.5 years since my own D-Day and I'm still amazed by how many people expect me to be over it and ready to move on. I do have a few great, supportive friends who continue to walk through grief with me and will continue to do so for as long as it takes.
I'm not wallowing: I'm processing and healing. I have the endgame of forgiveness and full emotional health always in view, and I see the progress I've made. I'm no longer suicidal. I meet most days with joy and hope. I have a full, rich life full of blessings. I'm proud of the person I've become since D-Day. But it's equally true that part of my soul was amputated, and the wound is still being filled in with scar tissue, and it still is very, very sore. And that's as it should be, because my marriage was sacred to me and I loved my ex whole-heartedly. Pain can be an homage to love. It doesn't have to--even shouldn't--last forever, but I think we are better off if we can learn the delicate balance of honoring our pain and grief even as we work through it.
If I can offer you one practical suggestion after 1.5 years it's this: It might be time for you to start some small mental exercises. When thoughts of your ex intrude, try to push them aside: compartmentalize them, and consciously think of something else instead. It's a discipline. Those thoughts will be there later, if you want to take them out and examine them. This past weekend, I had a good, old-fashioned wallowing session where I obsessively read subreddits about infidelity, divorce, and so on. It helped me feel I was not alone. It debrided the wound on my heart, which is always a necessary part of healing. But after the weekend, I was pretty morose. I said "enough." I began to compartmentalize again, and today (Tuesday,) I woke up full of joy and gratitude for what I still have and for what's ahead.
So honor your grief and loss. Take the time you need. Feel your feelings. Do what you need to do in order to process. But keep the end goal of closure in mind, and exercise your will to help move yourself to a happier, more peaceful space.
I want to thank you for this heartfelt response. It seems so many people don’t understand that this loss very much feels like a loss of half of me. Our lives were so intertwined that I’m just lost without him. I know I need to figure out myself alone now, but that’s so much easier said than done.
I do find myself wallowing more than I should. I have too much free time. I will take some of your suggestions and also be easy on myself. This is a trauma, it’s a death and I need to properly grieve it in my own time. Not everyone will understand but I want to thank you again for wording this so perfectly.
As someone else pointed out a significant portion of that time has been during Covid...that has to make it MUCH harder. I can't imagine going through things with that. Part of what helped me get better was a strong friends & family support system as well as hobbies I enjoyed and just getting out and doing/trying new things. I don't know exactly what your support system looks like but everyone has probably grown tired in this time of virus.
You have to happy with you being you before you can think about wanting someone new. You have to find and do things and people that make you happy. Don't let the memory of your ex control your life. Its easy to focus on the good and forget the bad. You have 20 years of memories together so its easy to trigger them and its not unexpected. I would just tell you you're only broken if you want to be but I'm sure its more complicated than that. I'm just optimistic by nature & didn't like the idea of my cheating ex monopolizing / controlling my feelings and life going forward. Its also probably hard to imagine now but after many years of feeling like an afterthought and low to zero priority its nice to be wanted again by someone that is a better fit. We sometimes don't realize how bad it really is until you find someone better...then you wonder why you spent so much time thinking about your ex or being heart broken. I wish you luck.
Covid does make it hard but I also have a relatively small support system. I don’t have many friends. My ex was my entire life and most of our friends were couples that are his friends. Trying to make new friends is hard for me.
I still have difficulty seeing anything bad in our marriage. It wasn’t perfect but it felt almost perfect to me. It’s hard to let all of that go. I try, but I really just want it back.
I appreciate this post so very much. I feel this way as well. Mine was a 21 year relationship and we got married on our 20 yr anniversary.
I almost feel like if he were to say he doesn’t know what he was thinking and he loves me and wants to come home, I’d fling open the door and say wtf took you so long. Yet I know that is wrong. I should not want him back after what he did.
It’s been 2 years and some since he left. If I didn’t have the kids I have no idea where I’d be at now. They keep me somewhat sane but they also make me have to see and interact with him regularly. Then he’ll randomly text me something and my stupid heart gets it’s hopes up and my brain has to try to shut that shit down.
Ugh. Just know I know very much where your coming from.
I’m so very sorry that you are going through this as well. At least you have your kids to focus on (though I understand that keeps him in your life). My ex and I didn’t have children so my life feels very pointless most times. No longer having my “person”...now no one needs me. I feel like I’ll always want him back, but I know I should try and focus on “I don’t want someone who doesn’t want me”
Thank you for your kind comments. I’m in therapy and I’m aware that I’m likely situationally depressed. I’m amazed at the people that seem to heal from this grief so quickly, but I guess it just goes to show that we all truly process things differently. It’s nice to hear from someone else that will always love their ex. I don’t know how not to love him, I spent more than half my life with him. I don’t even want to not love him. I wish you the best in your healing.
I hear you. 20+ years is a lifetime and it's not something anyone should expect you to get over in a short time. Stay with therapy. Exercize also helps. You deserve better. Treat yourself well. ((hugs))
There is a lyric in a Jack Johnson song that says “sometimes time doesn’t heal. No not at all”.
I don’t think I will heal for the loss. Like you, I was married for a long time. I loved my family, my life and my husband so much. I think what will happen is that I will evolve into something new. I’m always going to carry this pain. I don’t know what the future will bring, but I’m always going to carry the scars of this past year.
I wish you the best, friend. I hope something new is coming for you soon.
It’s sad to see so many experiencing the same thing, but comforting knowing I’m not alone in my pain. It truly is an indescribable anguish that I’ll carry forever. This time surely has changed me, only time will tell if it’s for the better, but I’ll never be the same.
I wish you the best as well. Hopefully 2021 will bring us some peace.
That is exactly how I’ll feel. I will change. I don’t know if it’s for the better, but I will never be the same. That’s good, in some ways, and not good in others.
I suppose I will eventually be able to trust someone again. Maybe. But not in the way I did. I suppose I will be able to love someone again, but never how I did. I can’t think much about all the losses. It’s too sad.
I keep hoping that with work and time, something good will come my way.
You’re not wrong man. The pain shape-shifts, takes different forms. Sharp, dull, mental, even physical. It’s like a little alarm that is constantly going off throughout the day. And I say this as someone who’s been dating and enjoyed relationships and flings. But no, I don’t believe everyone truly recovers. It’s a matter of how you manage it. Because for guys like us it’s a chronic condition. Oh and I should mentioned we coparent a toddler so I’m facing this until they throw my ass in the cold cold mud. Ok enough venting.
I’ll gently recommend meeting a woman for a cup of coffee and see how that feels. If it feels good maybe you proceed to something else. Casual sex will never heal the hole in your heart but it’s a temporary balm. Good luck.
Edit: didn’t catch if you were male or female but everything still applies, just swap out man for woman.
I am a woman. I should’ve made that clear in my original post, but I just let the words spill out without much coherent thought.
What you said is very true, how the pain shape-shifts. I never realized how much heartbreak could manifest as physical pain. It really is hard to comprehend and explain at times. I very often doubt that recovery is possible for me...it’s just trying to figure out how to accept and manage the new normal. I’ve had friends recommend I try dating. I setup a Bumble profile, but my heart’s just not in it. I can’t even seem to bring myself to find another man attractive. I’m guessing this is just a time thing...I’m just not there yet. Thank you for your thoughts. Every comment brings me some clarity and also solace that I’m not alone.
Yes the physical pain is real. Like that strong memory you can see clearly for a second, then it fades, and you have a sharp nauseating pain in your stomach.
Hope you begin having more good days than bad.
All of you who are so new to this I just want to hug and say it really can get better. Really. You do need to constantly refocus on the future. I didn’t have a choice. I needed a job, a place to live and then, well screw it- I deserved a person who appreciated me.
I am very disconcerted to hear how much you want him back. This is a person who up and left a 20 year relationship without a backward glance. Who does that?? Not the kind of person you want. You may need a new therapist. Give yourself a timeline though. Tell yourself that in 1 year you’ll try to date. It’ll be awkward and suck but it’s a start on your future. Btw, 7 years after the end of 25 years and I still wouldn’t stop a train for him, but all the garbage isn’t mattering as much.
I appreciate your insight. It’s really hard to refocus on a future that I do not want. I didn’t give details, because they aren’t important to what I’m trying to portray here, but he didn’t just up and leave. We tried counseling, but I’m really the one responsible for the end of our marriage. I didn’t truly see the things about myself that needed to be changed until he left. I never thought he’d actually leave. Once he did, I focused on those things and with therapy have managed to make those changes. Now, I’m hoping he’ll see these things and realize that it could make a difference.
If you have truly changed your ways AND he has not found someone else to be with, he still needs time to see that it’s not temporary and that will take more than the 6 mos or a year you’ve been sober or not gambling or fooling around or whatever. There would be tons of advantages to going back to my former spouse, but will he try to pick up every waitress, completely humiliating me? Probably. He moved out of our family’s home to live with his fling and would probably do it again with a new ‘ soul mate’.
You may never convince him you’ve changed.
You need to operate on that assumption and you need to convince YOU you’ve changed. When that happens, you can show someone new (I totally promise they’re out there!!) who you are.
Please don’t become a new person to spend your life pining for someone who’s gone. Practice looking at others as possible partners. Random strangers maybe. Just think, what would it be like to have a dinner conversation with him? What kind of conversation would that be? Not how would sex feel, but how would chatting over coffee outside at a cafe feel? Everything with someone new is different.
Most important—
Change you; forgive yourself. Don’t give up and warehouse the new you because there are people out there who are wonderful and would love to be with the new you. Just start small and in your head. “Could I forgive him/her for only wanting to drink Starbucks?” Hmmm...
I am very sorry for what you are going through. Just know you are not alone. You will always love this person even if they don't feel the same. Just make sure to take time to realize your own worth. This is what's helped me the most. It still hurts just as much but I also realize I have a lot to offer. If it be in friendship or romantic relationship. I have also taken time to work on my faults and even if I don't feel motivated, I still push through to have a life with some kind of value. I know it's hard and even the things you love the most seem lost, but you are still you. You have to find the inner beauty and try your best to realize how much you do have in life. The pain will be there. You will want to scream and cry. You don't really care to be social because all your thoughts are negative. You sometimes have to force yourself to realize you will always have yourself and that you are wonderful and deserve the best.
Try to keep your head up. Love isn't something that ever goes away, but you have to see that loving yourself is just as important. Feel free to reach out if you need someone to talk to.
I don’t have much substantial to offer other than my upvote. I can say that if you try to find one thing each day that brings you joy and peace, it helps. Just one thing. Then maybe 2 or 3. Whether it’s cuddling with your dog, the smell of freshly made coffee in the morning, reading some of a good book, watching a cheesy love film (I recommend Sleepless in Seattle), finishing a workout and feeling accomplishment, giving a loved one a gift and watching their face light up, hugging a family member or a friend...the possibilities are endless! The pain may not ever go away. You can accept it and continue living. You don’t have to dwell in it. That invites suffering. Pain happens. Accept the pain. Make a commitment to yourself to live in the present and find those things that bring you joy. It’s OK to cry. It’s OK to feel shitty. Feelings come and go. When you’re done, pick yourself up and go do something. You are more than your feelings or thoughts. You deserve happiness.
Thank you for this thoughtful comment. I definitely struggle with distraction. I struggle finding joy in pretty much anything. I try but I definitely dwell in it and I am suffering. Happiness feels elusive. But I will continue to try.
That right there is a sign of clinical depression. Seek medical attention right now!!
I came here to say this ^ OP, sounds like you have clinical depression and could benefit temporarily from meds. If your therapist does cognitive behavioral therapy, start alongside meds, this will help you a ton and probably cure you so you don’t have to feel this way anymore.
Why are you being downvoted?
I am sure you have tried many things. The illustrated version of the happiness trap helped me immensely. Also learning that I was an adult child with abandonment issues helped me to understand and forgive myself helped a lot. https://www.amazon.com/Illustrated-Happiness-Trap-Struggling-Living/dp/1611801575/ https://adultchildren.org/newcomer/am-i-an-adult-child/ Questions 10-20 really hit me. I am not crazy about 12 are programs, but sometimes they have some good points.
Ditto Happiness Trap!
6 months out from permanent separation but 4 years out from the unforgivable realization that she cheated on me with 5 different guys ... Yeah. I'll never get over this. Never have a child with another woman. Never give myself fully to another human. Maybe that's best. Since I was a child I've always felt I was to be alone. I thought that was a childish fantasy then, but maybe I was onto something. I was always meant to find my own path. To always feel the sting and the pain, and the reality of being alone. It's really finally totally believable now at the age of 40. Before now I could always chalk it up to immaturity. But I'm almost an old man now. My hair is grey, my mind is not growing but shrinking. I'm finally coming to grips with it. It's better than shackling myself to a demon who hurts me with every single breath. Such has been my previous relationship experience. At least I can be safe with myself. At least I have my safe harbor where nobody can stab me anymore. At least I can be free to be me, without the searing pain of rejection. This world is not kind to lovers. I of all people know that.
I’m sorry this happened to you. I understand where you are coming from. I often wonder if a life with a partner is now behind me...destined to be alone for the rest of my days. It’s hard to imagine loving someone else but I also struggle with the thought of being alone. I loved sharing my life with someone, but I also think that there’s unlikely to be someone who will make me feel the same way my partner did. I truly only want him. I feel no one else will measure up. It’s a sad existence.
I too have been broken up with my ex for about 1.5years. We were not married (same sex relationship) and been together for almost 21years. I still see her when we have to pass our dog over to each other. The dog is 14.5 years old. And we both just couldn't let the dog go. I love him very much and he is like my kid. I was doing pretty well until about 2 months ago she told me that she always treated me as family and still does. Who does that. I was doing well when all we did was talk about the dog needs when we see each other. I was over why she decided not want to be together and there was no closure. Just by her telling me that I am family to her, just brought back all the pain of the break-up. I just feel that if you have always treated me as family, you should not have given up so easily. Nothing much was said to me for so long, especially when in the beginning of the break-up I was asking for another chance. And when I start to move forward with my life, she said that. I come to this forum because I feel more connected to here, maybe because of the length of the relationship & maybe because we had our own family, we were supposed to grow old together. Anyway, I think I cannot do another relationship anymore. It's taken a lot out of me. I think I am meant to be alone. I don't have close friends & I am also not close to my family (and they live overseas). I am learning to live my life alone and it is not easy but after she said that, it makes it even harder. Thanks for letting me vent.
Oh...this is difficult for sure. I know how much continuing to see your partner can hurt. It keeps the wound raw. But her saying that to you...seems cruel. It’s almost like she doesn’t want you to move on. I can’t help but wonder if she wants to keep you holding on because she doesn’t like the idea of you finding someone else.
Only she knows what mind games she was playing. Because after that telling me that & me not commenting. It's as if it was not mentioned. Now she is back to just talking about the needs & well-being of our dog. Hey OP, I hope with more time we will feel much better, and feel less broken as more time passes by. Stay strong my friend. My DM is open if you just want to vent or talk.
“Like family.” Think about those words specifically. Do you think of the rest of your family in romantic terms? Do you think she thinks of her family in romantic terms? You two spent over 20 years together. It’s not realistic for either one of you to suddenly view the other as nothing, to not have any significance. Just don’t mistake familial significance for romantic significance. I’m in the midst of separation right now myself, also a 20+ year relationship. Yeah, the romantic relationship broke down, but we’ll still always be family (especially since we have kids). We can still count on each other for support if ever needed, just like we would with any other family member. Now, if you can’t handle that (and no judgment if you can’t, as everyone handles breakups differently - there’s no right/wrong here), then perhaps you just need to be straight-up with her about that; tell her, “I’m not your family, and it hurts me when you talk about me like I’m suddenly just your sister or something.” Hopefully she’ll get the message that she’s not comforting you by saying such things.
I hear what you are saying. I did tell her that we can't be friends. I am not ready to. And I don't know when I will be or if I ever will. So by saying that after these time, just brings all the pain back for me.
Five years. It took me five years to feel uninterrupted joy again. And it was hard work. But it’s attainable. You will find some peace of mind again.
Thank you for your honest reply. I once read it takes 1-1.5 years of healing for every 7 years together. As I was with my ex for over 25 years I can see how 5 years could be right for me.
Oh god I don't know if I can last that long. How did you do it?
A big part of it was accepting I was going to feel bad. Not beating myself up for have grief. I’ve had trouble letting go in the past and accepting. The Wise Heart by Kornfield helped me a lot. I also liked the Holistic Pscyhologist on Insta. Both kept me mentally moving in the right direction. I’m still young but it was a decade of my life and I had my heart broken twice in a row. But I also made some small promises to myself about my health and my social life. I determined to exercise daily (damn, it really does help.) And to find something that challenged me and forced me to engage socially (I chose dance classes.) I told myself if the rest of the time outside of exercising and dancing I wanted to be miserable, I could be. But I couldn’t quit the “good stuff” - the anchors. And I was miserable for a while. I would sit in a hot shower and just cry for a long time. I’d fall asleep in front of the TV so the sound made me feel not alone (get a pet. Damn it helps too.) I still have days where the pain is there. But it changes too. I cycled through all the stages of grief many times. I was deeply attached. And eventually I didn’t miss him. I had new friends, a new body, new interests. I had a life he wouldn’t fit into now if he wanted. We do heal and can remake ourselves. It just takes time. And not avoiding the grief. Edit to add: I also added a meditation practice and of course, therapy.
1.5 years isn’t too long, especially in Covid years...at least half of your time has probably be in quarantine. I’m nearly 3.5 years out, engaged and I still experience great waves of pain. Go easy on yourself. There are somethings you can do that will make you feel better. The one reply about gratitude is spot on...find something...anything to be grateful for each day. Also I really think exercise is helpful. It releases a serotonin chemical in your brain. Try to force yourself to move. Lastly, it sounds crazy but cold showers can be really helpful. Something about the rush of blood to your extremities that can help momentarily snap you out of a funk. Don’t give up. You’ll get there
Thank you for the suggestions. I know I should exercise. I lack the motivation for it these days but will have to force myself into it. I will make it a priority in the New Year. I’ve also signed up for guitar lessons. Something I’ve always wanted to learn. Hoping it will be a decent distraction.
I believe that how well we deal with heartbreak, all depends on how much we are willing to work at letting go of what we once had. If we let our minds keep trying to hold on to and wish that we had back what we had, we will never be able to let go of what we have lost. I find it helpful to keep in mind that a relationship that is ending in divorce, is very different than when two people who are dating end up breaking up. When we are just dating someone, we may have hopes that we will spend the rest of our lives with the person that we are with, but at the same time, we know that there is a good chance that won't be the case. Because of this we tend not to have the same kind of connection that a married couple may have and can move on more easily when that dating relationship ends. But when it comes to being married, we have really built up an expectation to be with this person for the rest of our lives. This makes it much harder to be able to let go of someone even after the divorce. We have to keep working at letting go of those expectations that we had for our life with them. It's not and easy process, but if it is just ignored, we will never be able to let go of them so that we can move on with our own lives. It has almost been 3 years since my ex told me that she wanted a divorce from a 2 year marriage, and I am just now starting to get to the point where I think I may be ready to start building something new with someone else. You are dealing with a relationship coming to an end that took place over 20 years of your life. It is going to take time to be able to let go of that. Work to focus on yourself for a while and try to refigure out who you are. Work to build on those aspects and you work to move past your marriage. Another thing you may want to think about is checking out a program called Divorce Care ([divorcecare.org](https://divorcecare.org)). This is a group meeting with others going through a divorce and it can be a big help to be able to talk to others going through the same thing. The group that I went to had people who were going through the divorce at that time, as well as others who were well past the actual divorce but still working to get mentally past it.
Thank you for this. We were married for over 20 years but together for over 25. We grew up together. I don’t even know what my life is supposed to look like without my partner. I truly never thought I’d be where I’m at now. I definitely struggle with letting go. I’m not quite ready to let go yet. I still am holding on to some hope that we will reconcile in the future.
I completely understand that you love her and that it is hard to let yourself let go of that hope, but do yourself a favor and work to let go of that hope. Holding onto it is only going to hurt you more. Let yourself focus on you so that you can get back on your feet and start living your life again. If at some point she contacts you and wants to retry things, think about that then when you are strong on your own feet. Don't keep holding yourself back on the chance to move forward in your life. The longer that you hold yourself back, the harder you will make it for you to be able to let go of that hope and move forward because you won't want to let yourself believe that you have held yourself back for so long and that nothing is going to come of it.
Thank you for your kindness. I’m guessing women leave men more often?...but I’m the wife...my husband left me. I try to let go...it is something that I’m working on in therapy...but she’s made it clear it will take me some time. She tells me that in order to ever be a good partner for anyone (including him) I need to be able to be an interesting person on my own. This is the first time I’ve ever lived alone, discovering myself?...most times I don’t even know what that means. I know I don’t like any of it but unfortunately he hasn’t given me much choice.
This is good advice. As long as you’re clinging to hope that you’ll reconcile, you’re not letting yourself fully grieve the end of the relationship so you can get past it and move on. Instead, you’re just trapping yourself in this perpetual purgatory.
While I respect the differences between marriage and dating, the differences can be a little grey depending on the circumstances. I was once married for 7 years, together 12, and the divorce (2 small children involved) was devastating, as it is to you all here. It took a long time for me to recover from that part of my life dying. The forced change was almost too much to bear. It was a tremendous struggle. Now, I find myself in the same situation 12 years later. This time there was no marriage, but cohabitating for 7 years and owning a home together and the raising of our children from our previous marriages. We had a life long future together. Not being married yet was too sour for her. For that and other reasons, she recently left. I find the loss just as painful now as I did the first time from my divorce. It's all situational.. not whether there was a state issued contract of marriage. It's about time. How much did you invest into the relationship. What else disappears with the split. Kids? Pets? Home?
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This resonates with me completely. Over 25 years of my life...growing up together...I don’t know what my life looks like without him at all and I’m having a miserable time trying to figure it out. “How do I get rid of a love I don’t want to get rid of?”...exactly this! I tell people that I don’t even want to be happy without him and they think that’s insane, but he was my everything! I don’t want anything else. I definitely feel “alive, but dead”....just existing.
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That’s a good way to look at it and I’ll try to keep it in mind when I’m feeling particularly down. He lost me too. Thanks for that.
I'm alive but I'm dead. That's exactly how I feel.
This that you said to another commenter: *We were married for over 20 years but together for over 25. We grew up together.* My (51F) ex and I were married 25 years and yeah, we basically raised each other. If you're a person who believes that marriage is a sacred blending of 2 lives (most major religions have some version of "the two shall become one flesh" as part of their paradigm for marriage,) then it makes sense that betrayal and divorce SHOULD be a rending in half of a soul. And it *should* take a long time to heal from that. Hell, it takes longer than 1.5 years to fully heal from an amputated limb that was once part of your body. Souls are deeper and more eternal than bodies: you do the math on that. There are plenty of people who say that this idea of 2 people becoming 1 is unhealthy. That it's not the point; that marriage should be more of a "contractual relationship;" that "one flesh" is not a worthy goal. I say that those people don't understand the beautiful fullness that a relationship CAN be when you blend your life so fully with another. Unfortunately, the corollary is: the higher the height (of joy, love, friendship, trust) the harder the fall. It's been 1.5 years since my own D-Day and I'm still amazed by how many people expect me to be over it and ready to move on. I do have a few great, supportive friends who continue to walk through grief with me and will continue to do so for as long as it takes. I'm not wallowing: I'm processing and healing. I have the endgame of forgiveness and full emotional health always in view, and I see the progress I've made. I'm no longer suicidal. I meet most days with joy and hope. I have a full, rich life full of blessings. I'm proud of the person I've become since D-Day. But it's equally true that part of my soul was amputated, and the wound is still being filled in with scar tissue, and it still is very, very sore. And that's as it should be, because my marriage was sacred to me and I loved my ex whole-heartedly. Pain can be an homage to love. It doesn't have to--even shouldn't--last forever, but I think we are better off if we can learn the delicate balance of honoring our pain and grief even as we work through it. If I can offer you one practical suggestion after 1.5 years it's this: It might be time for you to start some small mental exercises. When thoughts of your ex intrude, try to push them aside: compartmentalize them, and consciously think of something else instead. It's a discipline. Those thoughts will be there later, if you want to take them out and examine them. This past weekend, I had a good, old-fashioned wallowing session where I obsessively read subreddits about infidelity, divorce, and so on. It helped me feel I was not alone. It debrided the wound on my heart, which is always a necessary part of healing. But after the weekend, I was pretty morose. I said "enough." I began to compartmentalize again, and today (Tuesday,) I woke up full of joy and gratitude for what I still have and for what's ahead. So honor your grief and loss. Take the time you need. Feel your feelings. Do what you need to do in order to process. But keep the end goal of closure in mind, and exercise your will to help move yourself to a happier, more peaceful space.
I want to thank you for this heartfelt response. It seems so many people don’t understand that this loss very much feels like a loss of half of me. Our lives were so intertwined that I’m just lost without him. I know I need to figure out myself alone now, but that’s so much easier said than done. I do find myself wallowing more than I should. I have too much free time. I will take some of your suggestions and also be easy on myself. This is a trauma, it’s a death and I need to properly grieve it in my own time. Not everyone will understand but I want to thank you again for wording this so perfectly.
As someone else pointed out a significant portion of that time has been during Covid...that has to make it MUCH harder. I can't imagine going through things with that. Part of what helped me get better was a strong friends & family support system as well as hobbies I enjoyed and just getting out and doing/trying new things. I don't know exactly what your support system looks like but everyone has probably grown tired in this time of virus. You have to happy with you being you before you can think about wanting someone new. You have to find and do things and people that make you happy. Don't let the memory of your ex control your life. Its easy to focus on the good and forget the bad. You have 20 years of memories together so its easy to trigger them and its not unexpected. I would just tell you you're only broken if you want to be but I'm sure its more complicated than that. I'm just optimistic by nature & didn't like the idea of my cheating ex monopolizing / controlling my feelings and life going forward. Its also probably hard to imagine now but after many years of feeling like an afterthought and low to zero priority its nice to be wanted again by someone that is a better fit. We sometimes don't realize how bad it really is until you find someone better...then you wonder why you spent so much time thinking about your ex or being heart broken. I wish you luck.
Covid does make it hard but I also have a relatively small support system. I don’t have many friends. My ex was my entire life and most of our friends were couples that are his friends. Trying to make new friends is hard for me. I still have difficulty seeing anything bad in our marriage. It wasn’t perfect but it felt almost perfect to me. It’s hard to let all of that go. I try, but I really just want it back.
I am in the same boat. I’m sorry... it’s torture.
I never thought pain like this was possible outside of death...but this truly is a death...of love, hope, the future I dreamt of.
Agreed. Death would be easier. I don’t want to die but I don’t want to live either.
I feel this.
Yes I feel all of this
I appreciate this post so very much. I feel this way as well. Mine was a 21 year relationship and we got married on our 20 yr anniversary. I almost feel like if he were to say he doesn’t know what he was thinking and he loves me and wants to come home, I’d fling open the door and say wtf took you so long. Yet I know that is wrong. I should not want him back after what he did. It’s been 2 years and some since he left. If I didn’t have the kids I have no idea where I’d be at now. They keep me somewhat sane but they also make me have to see and interact with him regularly. Then he’ll randomly text me something and my stupid heart gets it’s hopes up and my brain has to try to shut that shit down. Ugh. Just know I know very much where your coming from.
I’m so very sorry that you are going through this as well. At least you have your kids to focus on (though I understand that keeps him in your life). My ex and I didn’t have children so my life feels very pointless most times. No longer having my “person”...now no one needs me. I feel like I’ll always want him back, but I know I should try and focus on “I don’t want someone who doesn’t want me”
I think if I didn’t have the kids I would be in a much worse place so yes, I am sorry. I truly get what all you are saying though.
I'm the same. 1.5 years since she left. Still waking up at 3am. Once in a while she's in my dreams and I wake up mad or sad, or both.
Oh yes, those dreams can be torture. I very often dream that we have reconciled. Then I wake up and my heart is broken all over again.
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Thank you for your kind comments. I’m in therapy and I’m aware that I’m likely situationally depressed. I’m amazed at the people that seem to heal from this grief so quickly, but I guess it just goes to show that we all truly process things differently. It’s nice to hear from someone else that will always love their ex. I don’t know how not to love him, I spent more than half my life with him. I don’t even want to not love him. I wish you the best in your healing.
I hear you. 20+ years is a lifetime and it's not something anyone should expect you to get over in a short time. Stay with therapy. Exercize also helps. You deserve better. Treat yourself well. ((hugs))
Thank you. I’m trying. But it’s so hard to rebuild a new life you never wanted.
There is a lyric in a Jack Johnson song that says “sometimes time doesn’t heal. No not at all”. I don’t think I will heal for the loss. Like you, I was married for a long time. I loved my family, my life and my husband so much. I think what will happen is that I will evolve into something new. I’m always going to carry this pain. I don’t know what the future will bring, but I’m always going to carry the scars of this past year. I wish you the best, friend. I hope something new is coming for you soon.
It’s sad to see so many experiencing the same thing, but comforting knowing I’m not alone in my pain. It truly is an indescribable anguish that I’ll carry forever. This time surely has changed me, only time will tell if it’s for the better, but I’ll never be the same. I wish you the best as well. Hopefully 2021 will bring us some peace.
That is exactly how I’ll feel. I will change. I don’t know if it’s for the better, but I will never be the same. That’s good, in some ways, and not good in others. I suppose I will eventually be able to trust someone again. Maybe. But not in the way I did. I suppose I will be able to love someone again, but never how I did. I can’t think much about all the losses. It’s too sad. I keep hoping that with work and time, something good will come my way.
You’re not wrong man. The pain shape-shifts, takes different forms. Sharp, dull, mental, even physical. It’s like a little alarm that is constantly going off throughout the day. And I say this as someone who’s been dating and enjoyed relationships and flings. But no, I don’t believe everyone truly recovers. It’s a matter of how you manage it. Because for guys like us it’s a chronic condition. Oh and I should mentioned we coparent a toddler so I’m facing this until they throw my ass in the cold cold mud. Ok enough venting. I’ll gently recommend meeting a woman for a cup of coffee and see how that feels. If it feels good maybe you proceed to something else. Casual sex will never heal the hole in your heart but it’s a temporary balm. Good luck. Edit: didn’t catch if you were male or female but everything still applies, just swap out man for woman.
I am a woman. I should’ve made that clear in my original post, but I just let the words spill out without much coherent thought. What you said is very true, how the pain shape-shifts. I never realized how much heartbreak could manifest as physical pain. It really is hard to comprehend and explain at times. I very often doubt that recovery is possible for me...it’s just trying to figure out how to accept and manage the new normal. I’ve had friends recommend I try dating. I setup a Bumble profile, but my heart’s just not in it. I can’t even seem to bring myself to find another man attractive. I’m guessing this is just a time thing...I’m just not there yet. Thank you for your thoughts. Every comment brings me some clarity and also solace that I’m not alone.
Yes the physical pain is real. Like that strong memory you can see clearly for a second, then it fades, and you have a sharp nauseating pain in your stomach. Hope you begin having more good days than bad.
All of you who are so new to this I just want to hug and say it really can get better. Really. You do need to constantly refocus on the future. I didn’t have a choice. I needed a job, a place to live and then, well screw it- I deserved a person who appreciated me. I am very disconcerted to hear how much you want him back. This is a person who up and left a 20 year relationship without a backward glance. Who does that?? Not the kind of person you want. You may need a new therapist. Give yourself a timeline though. Tell yourself that in 1 year you’ll try to date. It’ll be awkward and suck but it’s a start on your future. Btw, 7 years after the end of 25 years and I still wouldn’t stop a train for him, but all the garbage isn’t mattering as much.
I appreciate your insight. It’s really hard to refocus on a future that I do not want. I didn’t give details, because they aren’t important to what I’m trying to portray here, but he didn’t just up and leave. We tried counseling, but I’m really the one responsible for the end of our marriage. I didn’t truly see the things about myself that needed to be changed until he left. I never thought he’d actually leave. Once he did, I focused on those things and with therapy have managed to make those changes. Now, I’m hoping he’ll see these things and realize that it could make a difference.
If you have truly changed your ways AND he has not found someone else to be with, he still needs time to see that it’s not temporary and that will take more than the 6 mos or a year you’ve been sober or not gambling or fooling around or whatever. There would be tons of advantages to going back to my former spouse, but will he try to pick up every waitress, completely humiliating me? Probably. He moved out of our family’s home to live with his fling and would probably do it again with a new ‘ soul mate’. You may never convince him you’ve changed. You need to operate on that assumption and you need to convince YOU you’ve changed. When that happens, you can show someone new (I totally promise they’re out there!!) who you are. Please don’t become a new person to spend your life pining for someone who’s gone. Practice looking at others as possible partners. Random strangers maybe. Just think, what would it be like to have a dinner conversation with him? What kind of conversation would that be? Not how would sex feel, but how would chatting over coffee outside at a cafe feel? Everything with someone new is different. Most important— Change you; forgive yourself. Don’t give up and warehouse the new you because there are people out there who are wonderful and would love to be with the new you. Just start small and in your head. “Could I forgive him/her for only wanting to drink Starbucks?” Hmmm...
I am very sorry for what you are going through. Just know you are not alone. You will always love this person even if they don't feel the same. Just make sure to take time to realize your own worth. This is what's helped me the most. It still hurts just as much but I also realize I have a lot to offer. If it be in friendship or romantic relationship. I have also taken time to work on my faults and even if I don't feel motivated, I still push through to have a life with some kind of value. I know it's hard and even the things you love the most seem lost, but you are still you. You have to find the inner beauty and try your best to realize how much you do have in life. The pain will be there. You will want to scream and cry. You don't really care to be social because all your thoughts are negative. You sometimes have to force yourself to realize you will always have yourself and that you are wonderful and deserve the best. Try to keep your head up. Love isn't something that ever goes away, but you have to see that loving yourself is just as important. Feel free to reach out if you need someone to talk to.