Yup. I was too naive to stay with someone who treated me like an option and didn’t respect me. I don’t know why I still miss him. He cheated n dumped me for another girl.
I feel your pain bro. My ex rejected my last call to her outright. When we were together, she somewhat taunted me about how much control she had. She always knew she could take advantage of me anyway she wanted and I'd let her. In the end, I realize that's the wrong way to love someone. I hope you see things this way someday, you're allowed to love her and simultaneously want nothing to do with her. Holding that position, setting that standard for yourself and refusing to budge, is how uou will eventually feel better about yourself and your situation. You have to regain control of yourself bro, I believe in you and wish you the best.
Same story here. Found out he cheated and confronted him, then he gaslit me and left me for the other girl. I was shocked though. He seemed like he loved me. Always helping me, buying me flowers, always showing physical affection, cook me dinner etc.
Same same same! He would also shame me for having sexual desires, for wanting to have a career, and so on…. I adored him so much that it took me a long time to understand that he is in fact an incel.
He would shame you for having sexual desires? Unless they were really fucked up, for the life of me I can't understand why that would be a problem for a man.
It was like….. having a celebrity crush he would shame me for it or if I watched porn. I don’t have a porn addiction, nor it ever affected my relationships, but he just never let me watch it. He would say things like “yeah if you want to go get fucked by every guy you can do that but that’s not the kind of girl I want to be with”. Like he would exaggerate to make himself feel superior and so it made it hard for me to leave because he made me think I didn’t deserve to be loved just the way I am
Yes, my last relationship was like that. He always had one foot out the door and treated me accordingly. He probably feels like a hero now for dumping me and “sparing me further confusion”.
This just happened to me. He had one foot out the door the entire 3 month relationship, finally ended things for good last night. I’m way more hurt than I should be— and I think it’s bc I tried so so much harder with him than any of my other relationships. Idk why honestly, I think I am just more lonely in my life than ever before.
Call yourself lucky that you only had 3 months of this. For me it was a year 😑. I know exactly what you mean and also feel a lot more hurt than in previous relationships. I tried to accommodate his avoidant tendencies and thought with patience and care he’ll learn how to trust. The other side of the coin is that this meant neglecting my own needs and voila, here we are in a well of pain after he decided that I’m just not worth any effort whatsoever.
This is exactly how I feel. And I felt like bc I knew he was avoidant, that I would be able to change myslef enough to make it work so he could eventually not be one foot out always pushing me away. I guess only 3 months is a huge positive. It’s just so frustrating to look at him and think, why couldn’t he just put in half the effort I did into learning how to communicate.
Makes me feel like I was worth so little to him if he couldn’t make that effort.
I definitely relate to the feelings of worthlessness. Not even being worth an attempt at coming just one step my way when all I tried was to love him as he is feels devaluing at best. Especially since he would make an effort for friends, just never me. Perhaps it is just about accepting that he REALLY didn’t care. But it is hard to see that in someone you grew so fond of.
If it makes you feel any better I noticed the avoidant tendencies early in my relationship and voiced how I would like to be treated early and often. It didn't change anything. Strung along for a year and mistreated the entire time. Left for someone else.
Can’t choose who you love. We were on and off multiple times through those years and it wasn’t for lack of love from either of us. We just were not right for each other and didn’t want to admit it. Really sad actually. But allowed me to be free to find someone who is right and hopefully he does too. No hard feelings. We tried our best.
Exactly that. It’s really bothering me. “You deserve better than this” is what he was able to say at some point. Let’s not even talk about how the breakup went down, that was a shit show of its own dimension. But when they realize someone deserves better than what they are doing, how is simply trying to do better not also a valid option? Are people really that unwilling to grow as a person? Is it just always about the easy way out?
I had the same! And it is like if you know I deserve better why did you stick around for as long as you did without being able to deliver? It’s just a way for them to feel better and cover for the fact that they have major issues lol
Exactly. And this is now also stretching into the aftermath. “I am trying to respect you by not reaching out.” That kind of bullshit. Where was that respect when I actually needed it? Now that we are broken up he suddenly tries to respect me? Make it make sense.
Ah yes, the ol “you’re not entitled to my time” shtick. It’s wild because they really think our need for quality time with our partner is invalid and unreasonable. Like, if that’s how they feel, they should probably stay away from committing to romantic relationships at all lol. No one is forcing them to seek people out only to then blame them for their needs. They want the benefits of a committed relationship without putting in any of the work. It’s extremely manipulative and cruel.
Yup. Two extremely ond-sided relationships. After reaching certain point it seemed impossible to end it (because I’ve already invested soooo very much and hoped it would be worth it eventually). Easy to end it for the other one obviously, they invested nothing.
Yep! I was cheated on then lied to for years about it and only found out years later when I got dumped. I was given no intimacy, communication or reassurances ever to the point my self esteem is at a all time low and I was the one that got dumped. But I got told by a friend that “you had every reason to leave but decided to stay while she had every reason to stay but left”. It sucks.
I now realise how one-sided our relationship was. He said he was so in love with me from the very beginning - we moved fast and it was all led by him. But the actual maintenance of our relationship was all me. I moved into his apartment because he asked me to. When living together he had very particular needs for space - but only vocalised a few things to me. I was so patient with him through his depression, always trying to support his needs. He broke up with me one night when I asked how he was doing. I realise now how he never showed concern for my stressors/mental health when I was going through a hard time. He never made changes when I asked for more intimacy. He was just stuck in his head. He said he lost feelings - but it’s because he never put in the effort to maintain them. After a certain point, a relationship takes work. I was so willing but he just couldn’t do it.
I realise all of this but I’m still so stuck being in love with him and wanting to spend my life with him. Maybe I’m just a people pleaser, but I truly haven’t loved anyone like this.
Except for the moving in part I had almost the exact same experience. Got dumped twice by my ex. The first time after I asked him how he was doing with his depression literally 5 min after we were intimate. He came back a few weeks later. Now dumped again because he “never saw me as more than a buddy”.
The audacity.
Isn't this always the way? Idk about you, but I suck at setting boundaries. People who have trouble setting boundaries are often on the receiving end of this type of treatment from narcissistic types, especially. It's like they can smell the "nice" on you.
Sorry everyone, but I’m literally laughing crying in disbelief scrolling through the replies because how in the world do so many of us have the same exact experience? I’m both comforted and heartbroken all the more. Sending you all hugs!
Yep… years of being abused manipulated and gas lighted, cheated on and slandered and convinced she was going to get help and get better.
Been through a lot of phases with this… last week decided the woman I fell in love with is dead and gone and been replaced by a monster.
After much more work and thought and meditation im starting to think its really not even that, she just fooled me long enough to be sure I was fully in love with her and then dropped the mask and kept dangling that other version of her like bait to keep me around when she wanted me.
Still very hurt but mostly worked through the anger and depression I think. Distance helps, few thousand miles.
It will not last. Once the “honeymoon” phase wears off they will always slip back in to there old abusive patterns until they admit there issues and work through them.
I feel bad for the dude my ex is now dating, actually. At first I was so angry because they got together so fast theres no way they weren’t fooling around before she pulled this shit, and then several people confirmed it. I lashed out at him over texts in my grief and resentment and feel bad for that as well but mostly I feel bad because he has no idea what she’s really like and by the time she drops the mask he will be so invested he wont want to leave thinking she will come back. She wont come back because thats not even really her.
My ex lied and hid so much but I don't know if it counts as being treated badly. I wasn't perfect either, I messed up a lot but I never lied or broke loyalty. Really confusing situation. He still dumped me though
Lying and being secretive is avoidant behavior and if not tending to your needs but expecting you to do all the work is abusive too. So sorry you dealt with that.
Yes, by a dismissive avoidant. Apparently he was drunk when he said we needed to take a “break.” Meanwhile he admits to emotionally abusing me. Now he’s the one chasing after me & I’m trying to stay strong.
Oh trust me I wanted it at first & it felt good. Now it just makes me sad because it stops me from fulling healing. & yeah I was pretty neglected so I feel you :(
All my past long term relationships were this way. It helped me learn I do have some weird issues with attachment disorders. I had a toxic idea that I shouldn't give up no matter how bad things got because that meant I was valued/worthy of love. I also attached my entire sense of attractiveness/desirability to being with an attractive partner. I know that's nonsense now, and will cut things off if a partner doesn't respect boundaries, etc. I also used that time to focus on correcting/managing my body dysmorphia and physical self-worth.
yep and acted like a hero when he dumped me over the phone, claimed it was really mature of him to come to that conclusion and said he didn’t want to have any responsibilities or commitments. idk why i miss him since he just seemed to try and find new ways to hurt me during the entire relationship.
Absolutely - not uncommon. My first ex treated me like an option, cheated on me, and dumped me. I was too young to know that what was happening wasn’t okay. My second ex did very little for me at the end while I was moving mountains and ultimately dumped me.
Yep. Never given assurance and constantly lied to. Whenever I express my frustrations she'd cry and say she's trying to change and whatnot then start love bombing for a few days until I'd forget about the bad stuff. Then it'll go on an on until I eventually got dumped "because it's not healthy anymore".
Looking back, I probably should've followed through on my decision to leave. That would've saved me a lot of heartache and my dignity. But nope, I contacted her after 3 days after leaving saying we'll work on stuff together and thus the cycled continued until the end.
It’s a human condition to always want things we can’t have or to feel like we have to be good enough in someone else’s eyes. It’s ok to want her or him, just don’t let it consume you. The reason why they play with your emotions is because you let them and they know it. Just ignore them and watch what happens. You’ll be surprised. Be indifferent, not happy not sad, not angry, just indifferent. The second they think you’re off the hook they will try and reel you back in. When you know that, be the bigger person and step away and you’ll feel like that weight is lifted and your heart is free.
Yeah. I kept giving chances over and over because he swore he'd do better. Then one day he randomly left, for me to then find out he cheated on me again and left me for that girl.
oh, definitely. He would actively ignore me when we were wjth his friends, or ditch our dates do openly hang out with his ex (who he got with as soon as he dumped me), claiming he "just didnt know what to tell me" when we hung out with his friends, we never really talked when we were alone either, i was just a stress reliever that he used when he felt like doing romantic stuff with someone - he took advantage of the fact that i idealized him and was delusional enough to believe he loved me mora than anyone - he broke up with me 4 hours after telling me he never loved anyone more, on new years eve :') never hated someone more
Yes. This time it ended because I found out that he was already in an on and off relationship with someone when we first started our relationship. And when I confronted him about it, he lied. Now, Im just reliving memories from that time frame, especially our first breakup.
Yes. 10 years together.
He would constantly lie to me and hide things from me and then try and make it seem as if he had to because of my reaction rather than him realising that there was a reaction because the things that he was doing was not okay such as hiding information from me, excluded me from events and telling people that I was busy, thinking that it wasn't a crime to make a dating profile while in a relationship cause he was 'curious' , deleting texts and then wondering why he lost my trust in him and got annoyed at how I couldn't just say 'okay' instead of causing a big fight about it.
When he was drunk he broke up with me got angry at me ,told me that he hates me, i make him sick and then told me that he didn't care if I died and then panicked when I told him I was done , to which his own demeanor changed and he freaked out. He was never afraid to lose me and I honest to god wish I never let him convince me to 'work on things'.
Constantly during our relationship he would threaten to break up with me and a lot of the times he gave up over the most stupid of stuff and when he got called out on something and I've didn't just say okay and just deal with it and instead got upset he would ever tell me to 'cry me a river' and sing the Justin Timberlake song at me or try to leave the house in a huff or call me a victim.
lmao my ex dumped me but she was the one who was making our relationship more complicated then it had to be. at first i was super sad and bummed out, but soon i realized i was the one who benefitted from the breakup more. and not even saying this in a way of coping lmao. like i didn't know it was a toxic relationship until i got out
Yes, and after a couple of days when we both realized I wasn’t as heartbroken as we both expected me to be, he wanted me back and when I said I wanted space and time to think I was the worst person in the world for giving up on us and breaking his heart.
Yep. Found out my ex was having an affair with his coworker. Confronted him and was willing to forgive him. Thought we were working on our relationship, he pretended he was anyways, then I found out 3 months later that he never stopped seeing her and then he broke up with me by looking me dead in the eyes and saying "I'm choosing her." 5 years together gone. And he still likes to pretend that him breaking up with me had nothing to do with her.
Yeah, mine lied to me about staying in touch with her ex, she also kept in touch with him knowing how it made me feel. She made me believe she wanted to spend her life with me but then dumped me as if it was all my fault when I know I treated her amazingly. Over 2 years and not a word from her. That's obviously how much I meant to her.
Yep, my ex who wanted me first treated me so bad (didn't even do the bare minimum), lied to me about the smallest things, did things behind my back, talked down on me, straight told me that he doesn't appreciate what I do for him because I chose to do them myself, was following girls on instagram that disrespected me, he himself disrespected me, told me I'm not intitled to his honesty, was a horrible communicator, gave me the silent treatment everytime we fought and refused to apologize at all cost. Meanwhile I did everything that any human would dream of of having in a partner (surprise gifts, I traveled miles to see him every month, treated his family like my own, shared the bills, gave him space when needed, didn't ask for much, would drop anything when he's sick to nurse him, was completely honest with him and extremely faithful that I dropped my own guy friends cuz I felt disgusted at the sight of another man) so basically gave him everything he asked for that even his mom and sister told me I deserve better and I'd probably leave him first.
eventually he left me in the worst way ever at the worst time over text and told me he lost feelings for me and that he'd rather meet someone else over walking the "tough path" with me.
Lol my ex did this. Lied to me repeatedly, gaslit me, manipulated me and he gave me all the emotional trauma. Not to mention that he is a cheater. He did not even give me a proper goodbye. What a piece of shit.
Yes. And still, I wasn't able to end things. So the ultimate humiliation was to be the one who got dumped lol.
It was a blessing in disguise though. I was so codependant that if it was up to me, I would continue being treated like garbage for the rest of my life.
Now, I am able to treat whatever emotional trauma I have and find a better person for me in the future.
OMG YES 😭😭 He was horrendously emotionally abusive and got VISCERALLY disgusted every time I set a boundary and voiced my feelings, but his friends kept telling me not to break up with him because it was his first relationship and he was “just naive”… low and behold he dumped me and is victimizing himself and needless to say, I no longer speak to or associate with any of those people
Based on the unanimous response from those I've decided to tell what happened, that seems to be the case. I, however, in no way shape, or form believe I was the perfect boyfriend. I'll always have my shortcomings, same as everyone, including her. I could've been better in reaching out on an important doctor's appointment of hers while we were fighting and explaining why I was so worried about her and her mental well-being on the day we were supposed to see her favorite band live.
To clarify, she, unfortunately, had a difficult path mentally from late June to (perhaps still ongoing, I don't know) to October due to--in my opinion--a variety of external factors that zapped her self-esteem and gradually increased the frequency of her self-harming and her talking about not being around for much longer.
It became a cycle of telling her that she did have people in her corner, that she does matter in this world, that we would figure it out together, and more. While I know for a fact I'd say all of that all over again in a heartbeat because it's the truth, I know I didn't give myself the right, opportune moments to recharge back then. It seemed like I had transitioned into becoming a life battery for someone else, and you can only do that for so long for someone before you burn out yourself.
When it came time for the concert, the days leading up to it she was talking about how the world didn't need her anymore, that people were out to get her, her "running out of places to hurt herself", and more. Became so worried about her that I had a panic attack right in front of my family the night before it. I even brought up my worry to her best friend who told me that if we went it'd be like a panic attack waiting to happen for her. But when the day of the concert came and I brought up my worry, she exploded on me and in essence, spun it to make it seem like I was controlling her, taking things away from her like her parents, and more.
Having looked back on it, I still fully believe I gave her every ounce of love I had. Could I have been better in some spots? Absolutely, but the genuine intent and care for her were there. It's been a lot of trauma to navigate through, but as I told her many times, there's light at the end of the tunnel. Despite all of what happened I still hope, for her sake, she is genuinely doing ok and hasn't reverted back to self-harming or believing she doesn't matter or any of what she was saying/doing back then.
Took him back several times after lying, cheating, betraying and physically assaulting me. For two years. Opened up about what I feel insecure about in the relationship all for him to tell me “I have nothing to say, I’m tired of you creating problems and being unable to forget the past, I’m done for real this time don’t worry about me coming back” which equates to me “Thank you for being my doormat and forgiving me each time I fucked but I’m not dealing with you being this broken person because I do not value you that much, bye”
Hahaha my God this feels like my story itself. I am sure he's going around telling all his friends (who he introduced me to) that how "incompatible" we were and how he has done me a favour by severing this relationship. 😅
I was a dumbass throughout that 1 year to have tolerated his non sense, emotional abuse and utter narcissistic behaviour. I used to live in crumbs and be okay with that. First 3 months post breakup were hell for me. I don't know how I have survived all those hours of crying, starving and overthinking.
Doing much better now, happily single, still kinda exhausted with all the love that drained me top to bottom. But I believe time will heal everything.
Yes. Sadly, I was very naive and obsessed with the idea of him loving me that I lost myself, and I let him treat me that way. My only goal was for him to love me and make me his girlfriend that I was willing to accept anything.
Ofc at the end, you can't force anything. If the person is not at the same tune you're in, then it just won't work. It hurts a lot bc I truly tried working things out, and I genuinely wanted an opportunity, us to be something and create a beautiful relationship, but it was always one-sided. It was not going to work if I was giving 100%, and he wasn't even meeting me halfway.
Yes. I dated a narcissistic avoidant. I was unaware how dismissive and uncaring he was. He left me for someone else and then begged for me back twice. He gave me two bs apologies. I had the satisfaction of rejecting him twice. My life improved immediately. I got a great job offer, new friends, began dating someone much better and I’m at peace. I was always anxious around my ex and didn’t realize why. It’s literally your body warning you something isn’t right. I guess in a way, karma or the universe balances itself out. :)
Yep. She was emotionally abusive, and I just brushed it off and took the emotional abuse for months. The emotional abuse started 3 months into the 7 month relationship. By month 6, I snapped and got angry with her over it. My single angry outburst was enough for her to end it. She has mild autism, so I tried my best to be patient, but some of the things she did were just too much for me. I didn't want to leave her, because I truly thought we were meant to be.
I can remember my ex of 5 years being mean towards me in the end. Hitting me when I accidentally put my arm on his side of the bed. Ignoring me. Ruining my birthday because of him distancing from me. Always prioritising himself and friends over me. When he moved to Scotland for his phd he never once asked me how I felt about it or how we are going to make the long distance work. Still I continued to be supportive.
After a month of him being mean and avoidant. I called his mom in desperation (he was staying there for a few days). He was angry I did that. She literally kicked his ass to talk to me and finally he said: “I don’t see us working anymore and sorry for my behaviour.” I was extremely calm and said: “the way you have treated me, I will NEVER accept that from anyone else in the future (lol I did tho) and I wont accept your lousy sorry.” Then I walked away. The first thing I did was going to the mall and buy myself some presents with the money I saved for his birthday. He in the meanwhile went to his friends, who were also my friends, and they posted all their fun on the socials (well I muted them all immediately).
I was free again after years of giving everything and receiving soo little. The best decision ever made.
1,8 years later.
I heard from 2 mutual friends that he still wants to apologise and try to become friends. But no no no no.
Yup! Caught him cheating, he was sending nudes to other girls, they were sending them back and he was circulating them amongst his friends. He begged me to stay, and I was young, insecure and naive, so I did. We’d been together 3 years and we had just resigned a 12 month lease. A few weeks later he dumped me via text, while we were still living together. I was 21, it was my first serious relationship and I thought it was the end of the world.
Omg the story of my life. This just happened to me. I was in a 7 year relationship with my childhood sweetheart we were together for seven years. Seven. We started dating when I was 15 and he was 14. He was the love of my life I put up with so much. I believed that we were meant to be together so that meant not just dumping him over anything. He never cheated. But he lied. He made up fucked up things. He minupated and gaslighted me for years. And I just believed him. Because I believed he would never lie. How could he? Never about something like this.
For example, when we were in high-school we were dating long distance for awhile. He made up a fake girl. Her name was Jen. Jen loved him because he saved her life. Apparently he caught her and saved her from jumping. I just believed this. I've never met her. Yes we were long distance but I stayed the summers and holidays. We were still together alot. Apparently he told her they could be together because he loved me and her brother was my ex boyfriends best friend. Yet again I never met this best friend. Apparently his name was Phillip. I looked up his profile over the years it started the year we started dating. All his photos you could find on Google. Again fake.
One day Jen started messaging me on Facebook. She had no profile picture. Again only started the year this Jen girl came up.
She would torment me saying she loved him better and that she spent all this time together with him. And that she can fuck my ex whenever she wanted.
But one day I got a message. I was away for the weekend with my friends. But one guy on the camping trip my ex boyfriend hated. He told me if I went on the trip we would be over. But I wanted to go and I was only 16/17 at the time. My twin sister was going to. So I said I was going. But when I got back. ( we had no wifi on the trip) I got a message from Jen. It was a suicide note. Saying she's going to end her life. Saying it's because she can't have my ex boyfriend because of me. She blamed me. She said I had to promise to take care of my ex boyfriend because she can't.
At the time I believed what Jen said I believed she was real. Apart of me. Still believes maybe she was. Because it teared me apart at the time. Anyways she was brought up over the years. And I kept my promise. No matter what. I stayed with him.
But I never saw a photo. Never heard of a feneral. Never saw a grave. Never heard of anyone called Jen passing. My friends who knew what happened. Said it was fake.
But why would anyone lie?
Over the years. I put up with alot of abuse and control. My friend red flag was when he hit me, held me down, left me on the side of the road. When he told me no one would ever love me. I was a loner. This is why no one likes me. He never believed me when I said I got serially abused and had to take someone to court. He said I should of listened to him. I should of never gone out.
I put up with it for 7 years. Thinking I deserved it. I deserved nothing. Because he said so. And I believed him.
I was treated wrong. Even tho I stood by him. He's the one who dumped me over text message. After he spend the night with me holding me Saying how much he loved me.
Now he's blowing up my phone. Saying that he misses me and he loves me and wants to be friends.
No you missed out. I'm glowing now. I'm making to being happy. I'm not depressed anymore. Yes you broke me. But now I'm standing on my own 2 feet again. I'm 2r and I have my whole life ahead of me asshole.
Also sorry for ranting.
I think a lot of people have that experience at some point, including myself.
While it was tough, it helped me with future relationships. I have that experience to where I can see where things are going, and that I should be the one leaving them.
yes, my situation currently .. and he still hasn’t genuinely taken accountability & doesn’t understand the gravity of his actions & how badly everything hurt me
Yup. I was too naive to stay with someone who treated me like an option and didn’t respect me. I don’t know why I still miss him. He cheated n dumped me for another girl.
This happened to me too but for some reason I still want her. I feel like a loser for wanting her and also feel like a loser for being dumped
Same bro, same. Love is love, one day you'll have someone that deserves yours. Don't beat yourself up for having a big heart.
She won’t even talk to me. Just makes me sad knowing everything I did for her
I feel your pain bro. My ex rejected my last call to her outright. When we were together, she somewhat taunted me about how much control she had. She always knew she could take advantage of me anyway she wanted and I'd let her. In the end, I realize that's the wrong way to love someone. I hope you see things this way someday, you're allowed to love her and simultaneously want nothing to do with her. Holding that position, setting that standard for yourself and refusing to budge, is how uou will eventually feel better about yourself and your situation. You have to regain control of yourself bro, I believe in you and wish you the best.
Rejection makes everyone a little crazy.
Same story here. Found out he cheated and confronted him, then he gaslit me and left me for the other girl. I was shocked though. He seemed like he loved me. Always helping me, buying me flowers, always showing physical affection, cook me dinner etc.
Same same same! He would also shame me for having sexual desires, for wanting to have a career, and so on…. I adored him so much that it took me a long time to understand that he is in fact an incel.
He would shame you for having sexual desires? Unless they were really fucked up, for the life of me I can't understand why that would be a problem for a man.
It was like….. having a celebrity crush he would shame me for it or if I watched porn. I don’t have a porn addiction, nor it ever affected my relationships, but he just never let me watch it. He would say things like “yeah if you want to go get fucked by every guy you can do that but that’s not the kind of girl I want to be with”. Like he would exaggerate to make himself feel superior and so it made it hard for me to leave because he made me think I didn’t deserve to be loved just the way I am
Did he have a micro penis? He sounds absurd
Exactly the same thing happened to me, but I’m a guy. Engaged a few months ago, together for 5.5 years.
Same here.
Yes, my last relationship was like that. He always had one foot out the door and treated me accordingly. He probably feels like a hero now for dumping me and “sparing me further confusion”.
This just happened to me. He had one foot out the door the entire 3 month relationship, finally ended things for good last night. I’m way more hurt than I should be— and I think it’s bc I tried so so much harder with him than any of my other relationships. Idk why honestly, I think I am just more lonely in my life than ever before.
Call yourself lucky that you only had 3 months of this. For me it was a year 😑. I know exactly what you mean and also feel a lot more hurt than in previous relationships. I tried to accommodate his avoidant tendencies and thought with patience and care he’ll learn how to trust. The other side of the coin is that this meant neglecting my own needs and voila, here we are in a well of pain after he decided that I’m just not worth any effort whatsoever.
This is exactly how I feel. And I felt like bc I knew he was avoidant, that I would be able to change myslef enough to make it work so he could eventually not be one foot out always pushing me away. I guess only 3 months is a huge positive. It’s just so frustrating to look at him and think, why couldn’t he just put in half the effort I did into learning how to communicate. Makes me feel like I was worth so little to him if he couldn’t make that effort.
I definitely relate to the feelings of worthlessness. Not even being worth an attempt at coming just one step my way when all I tried was to love him as he is feels devaluing at best. Especially since he would make an effort for friends, just never me. Perhaps it is just about accepting that he REALLY didn’t care. But it is hard to see that in someone you grew so fond of.
If it makes you feel any better I noticed the avoidant tendencies early in my relationship and voiced how I would like to be treated early and often. It didn't change anything. Strung along for a year and mistreated the entire time. Left for someone else.
Try 3 years.
I’d say “you win”, but I know this just means that you probably only feel more screwed over than us, and that’s not a win. I’ll send hugs instead 🤗
Can’t choose who you love. We were on and off multiple times through those years and it wasn’t for lack of love from either of us. We just were not right for each other and didn’t want to admit it. Really sad actually. But allowed me to be free to find someone who is right and hopefully he does too. No hard feelings. We tried our best.
I’ll see your 3 raise you 6!! But it was a situationship w history as kids
Gosh this is exactly what happened to me this week. Exactly the same scenario. I'm in so much pain. Does it get better?
I’ll tell you in a few months 😞
Yeah the worst part about those situations is they think they did something great by eventually leaving lmao
Exactly that. It’s really bothering me. “You deserve better than this” is what he was able to say at some point. Let’s not even talk about how the breakup went down, that was a shit show of its own dimension. But when they realize someone deserves better than what they are doing, how is simply trying to do better not also a valid option? Are people really that unwilling to grow as a person? Is it just always about the easy way out?
I had the same! And it is like if you know I deserve better why did you stick around for as long as you did without being able to deliver? It’s just a way for them to feel better and cover for the fact that they have major issues lol
Exactly. And this is now also stretching into the aftermath. “I am trying to respect you by not reaching out.” That kind of bullshit. Where was that respect when I actually needed it? Now that we are broken up he suddenly tries to respect me? Make it make sense.
Yes 🤡 I got neglected then dumped
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Ah yes, the ol “you’re not entitled to my time” shtick. It’s wild because they really think our need for quality time with our partner is invalid and unreasonable. Like, if that’s how they feel, they should probably stay away from committing to romantic relationships at all lol. No one is forcing them to seek people out only to then blame them for their needs. They want the benefits of a committed relationship without putting in any of the work. It’s extremely manipulative and cruel.
Yep :) real clown moves from me 🤡
you’re not alone in that <3
Yup. Two extremely ond-sided relationships. After reaching certain point it seemed impossible to end it (because I’ve already invested soooo very much and hoped it would be worth it eventually). Easy to end it for the other one obviously, they invested nothing.
Yep! I was cheated on then lied to for years about it and only found out years later when I got dumped. I was given no intimacy, communication or reassurances ever to the point my self esteem is at a all time low and I was the one that got dumped. But I got told by a friend that “you had every reason to leave but decided to stay while she had every reason to stay but left”. It sucks.
I now realise how one-sided our relationship was. He said he was so in love with me from the very beginning - we moved fast and it was all led by him. But the actual maintenance of our relationship was all me. I moved into his apartment because he asked me to. When living together he had very particular needs for space - but only vocalised a few things to me. I was so patient with him through his depression, always trying to support his needs. He broke up with me one night when I asked how he was doing. I realise now how he never showed concern for my stressors/mental health when I was going through a hard time. He never made changes when I asked for more intimacy. He was just stuck in his head. He said he lost feelings - but it’s because he never put in the effort to maintain them. After a certain point, a relationship takes work. I was so willing but he just couldn’t do it. I realise all of this but I’m still so stuck being in love with him and wanting to spend my life with him. Maybe I’m just a people pleaser, but I truly haven’t loved anyone like this.
Except for the moving in part I had almost the exact same experience. Got dumped twice by my ex. The first time after I asked him how he was doing with his depression literally 5 min after we were intimate. He came back a few weeks later. Now dumped again because he “never saw me as more than a buddy”. The audacity.
i could have written this myself .. my situation is essentially the same
Isn't this always the way? Idk about you, but I suck at setting boundaries. People who have trouble setting boundaries are often on the receiving end of this type of treatment from narcissistic types, especially. It's like they can smell the "nice" on you.
Gosh this is so true
Sorry everyone, but I’m literally laughing crying in disbelief scrolling through the replies because how in the world do so many of us have the same exact experience? I’m both comforted and heartbroken all the more. Sending you all hugs!
Same 😅 it’s so strange how eerily similar avoidant a act!!
Yep… years of being abused manipulated and gas lighted, cheated on and slandered and convinced she was going to get help and get better. Been through a lot of phases with this… last week decided the woman I fell in love with is dead and gone and been replaced by a monster. After much more work and thought and meditation im starting to think its really not even that, she just fooled me long enough to be sure I was fully in love with her and then dropped the mask and kept dangling that other version of her like bait to keep me around when she wanted me. Still very hurt but mostly worked through the anger and depression I think. Distance helps, few thousand miles.
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It will not last. Once the “honeymoon” phase wears off they will always slip back in to there old abusive patterns until they admit there issues and work through them. I feel bad for the dude my ex is now dating, actually. At first I was so angry because they got together so fast theres no way they weren’t fooling around before she pulled this shit, and then several people confirmed it. I lashed out at him over texts in my grief and resentment and feel bad for that as well but mostly I feel bad because he has no idea what she’s really like and by the time she drops the mask he will be so invested he wont want to leave thinking she will come back. She wont come back because thats not even really her.
My ex lied and hid so much but I don't know if it counts as being treated badly. I wasn't perfect either, I messed up a lot but I never lied or broke loyalty. Really confusing situation. He still dumped me though
Lying and being secretive is avoidant behavior and if not tending to your needs but expecting you to do all the work is abusive too. So sorry you dealt with that.
Yes, by a dismissive avoidant. Apparently he was drunk when he said we needed to take a “break.” Meanwhile he admits to emotionally abusing me. Now he’s the one chasing after me & I’m trying to stay strong.
I wish my extremely avoidant ex wojld try to chase me 🤡 at least I would feel some kind of love or attention after all the neglect I got from him lol
Oh trust me I wanted it at first & it felt good. Now it just makes me sad because it stops me from fulling healing. & yeah I was pretty neglected so I feel you :(
All my past long term relationships were this way. It helped me learn I do have some weird issues with attachment disorders. I had a toxic idea that I shouldn't give up no matter how bad things got because that meant I was valued/worthy of love. I also attached my entire sense of attractiveness/desirability to being with an attractive partner. I know that's nonsense now, and will cut things off if a partner doesn't respect boundaries, etc. I also used that time to focus on correcting/managing my body dysmorphia and physical self-worth.
yep and acted like a hero when he dumped me over the phone, claimed it was really mature of him to come to that conclusion and said he didn’t want to have any responsibilities or commitments. idk why i miss him since he just seemed to try and find new ways to hurt me during the entire relationship.
yes 4 years of it. I think the whole experience taught me a lot about boundaries and self worth.
Absolutely - not uncommon. My first ex treated me like an option, cheated on me, and dumped me. I was too young to know that what was happening wasn’t okay. My second ex did very little for me at the end while I was moving mountains and ultimately dumped me.
Yep. Never given assurance and constantly lied to. Whenever I express my frustrations she'd cry and say she's trying to change and whatnot then start love bombing for a few days until I'd forget about the bad stuff. Then it'll go on an on until I eventually got dumped "because it's not healthy anymore". Looking back, I probably should've followed through on my decision to leave. That would've saved me a lot of heartache and my dignity. But nope, I contacted her after 3 days after leaving saying we'll work on stuff together and thus the cycled continued until the end.
Yup. She just used me until she found someone as trashy as her
😅 yup
Yep I was openly being cheated on and was dumped via a text message that said “I don’t love you anymore” lol
It’s a human condition to always want things we can’t have or to feel like we have to be good enough in someone else’s eyes. It’s ok to want her or him, just don’t let it consume you. The reason why they play with your emotions is because you let them and they know it. Just ignore them and watch what happens. You’ll be surprised. Be indifferent, not happy not sad, not angry, just indifferent. The second they think you’re off the hook they will try and reel you back in. When you know that, be the bigger person and step away and you’ll feel like that weight is lifted and your heart is free.
Yeah. I kept giving chances over and over because he swore he'd do better. Then one day he randomly left, for me to then find out he cheated on me again and left me for that girl.
oh, definitely. He would actively ignore me when we were wjth his friends, or ditch our dates do openly hang out with his ex (who he got with as soon as he dumped me), claiming he "just didnt know what to tell me" when we hung out with his friends, we never really talked when we were alone either, i was just a stress reliever that he used when he felt like doing romantic stuff with someone - he took advantage of the fact that i idealized him and was delusional enough to believe he loved me mora than anyone - he broke up with me 4 hours after telling me he never loved anyone more, on new years eve :') never hated someone more
Yep, he leave me when my mom had cancer lol and he never ask if she was okay, he just disappear and move on with another girl lollllll.
Yes. This time it ended because I found out that he was already in an on and off relationship with someone when we first started our relationship. And when I confronted him about it, he lied. Now, Im just reliving memories from that time frame, especially our first breakup.
That’s me of course! HuhuhaHahahahah
Yup. But I loved her and believed her gaslighting and lies.
Of course. That's what it's like when you're involved with an avoidant
Yes. 10 years together. He would constantly lie to me and hide things from me and then try and make it seem as if he had to because of my reaction rather than him realising that there was a reaction because the things that he was doing was not okay such as hiding information from me, excluded me from events and telling people that I was busy, thinking that it wasn't a crime to make a dating profile while in a relationship cause he was 'curious' , deleting texts and then wondering why he lost my trust in him and got annoyed at how I couldn't just say 'okay' instead of causing a big fight about it. When he was drunk he broke up with me got angry at me ,told me that he hates me, i make him sick and then told me that he didn't care if I died and then panicked when I told him I was done , to which his own demeanor changed and he freaked out. He was never afraid to lose me and I honest to god wish I never let him convince me to 'work on things'. Constantly during our relationship he would threaten to break up with me and a lot of the times he gave up over the most stupid of stuff and when he got called out on something and I've didn't just say okay and just deal with it and instead got upset he would ever tell me to 'cry me a river' and sing the Justin Timberlake song at me or try to leave the house in a huff or call me a victim.
lmao my ex dumped me but she was the one who was making our relationship more complicated then it had to be. at first i was super sad and bummed out, but soon i realized i was the one who benefitted from the breakup more. and not even saying this in a way of coping lmao. like i didn't know it was a toxic relationship until i got out
Yes, and after a couple of days when we both realized I wasn’t as heartbroken as we both expected me to be, he wanted me back and when I said I wanted space and time to think I was the worst person in the world for giving up on us and breaking his heart.
Yep. Found out my ex was having an affair with his coworker. Confronted him and was willing to forgive him. Thought we were working on our relationship, he pretended he was anyways, then I found out 3 months later that he never stopped seeing her and then he broke up with me by looking me dead in the eyes and saying "I'm choosing her." 5 years together gone. And he still likes to pretend that him breaking up with me had nothing to do with her.
Ugh I’m so sorry - that looking in the eyes part 😑
Absolutely. 🤡
I would argue that's the *majority* of people/posts in this sub.....
Yeah, mine lied to me about staying in touch with her ex, she also kept in touch with him knowing how it made me feel. She made me believe she wanted to spend her life with me but then dumped me as if it was all my fault when I know I treated her amazingly. Over 2 years and not a word from her. That's obviously how much I meant to her.
Yep, my ex who wanted me first treated me so bad (didn't even do the bare minimum), lied to me about the smallest things, did things behind my back, talked down on me, straight told me that he doesn't appreciate what I do for him because I chose to do them myself, was following girls on instagram that disrespected me, he himself disrespected me, told me I'm not intitled to his honesty, was a horrible communicator, gave me the silent treatment everytime we fought and refused to apologize at all cost. Meanwhile I did everything that any human would dream of of having in a partner (surprise gifts, I traveled miles to see him every month, treated his family like my own, shared the bills, gave him space when needed, didn't ask for much, would drop anything when he's sick to nurse him, was completely honest with him and extremely faithful that I dropped my own guy friends cuz I felt disgusted at the sight of another man) so basically gave him everything he asked for that even his mom and sister told me I deserve better and I'd probably leave him first. eventually he left me in the worst way ever at the worst time over text and told me he lost feelings for me and that he'd rather meet someone else over walking the "tough path" with me.
Did he ever try to get you back?
I blocked him. I wouldn't know
Lol my ex did this. Lied to me repeatedly, gaslit me, manipulated me and he gave me all the emotional trauma. Not to mention that he is a cheater. He did not even give me a proper goodbye. What a piece of shit.
Yes. And still, I wasn't able to end things. So the ultimate humiliation was to be the one who got dumped lol. It was a blessing in disguise though. I was so codependant that if it was up to me, I would continue being treated like garbage for the rest of my life. Now, I am able to treat whatever emotional trauma I have and find a better person for me in the future.
Hahaha yep. That's meeeer
Kinda. He started it. But I finished it.
OMG YES 😭😭 He was horrendously emotionally abusive and got VISCERALLY disgusted every time I set a boundary and voiced my feelings, but his friends kept telling me not to break up with him because it was his first relationship and he was “just naive”… low and behold he dumped me and is victimizing himself and needless to say, I no longer speak to or associate with any of those people
Based on the unanimous response from those I've decided to tell what happened, that seems to be the case. I, however, in no way shape, or form believe I was the perfect boyfriend. I'll always have my shortcomings, same as everyone, including her. I could've been better in reaching out on an important doctor's appointment of hers while we were fighting and explaining why I was so worried about her and her mental well-being on the day we were supposed to see her favorite band live. To clarify, she, unfortunately, had a difficult path mentally from late June to (perhaps still ongoing, I don't know) to October due to--in my opinion--a variety of external factors that zapped her self-esteem and gradually increased the frequency of her self-harming and her talking about not being around for much longer. It became a cycle of telling her that she did have people in her corner, that she does matter in this world, that we would figure it out together, and more. While I know for a fact I'd say all of that all over again in a heartbeat because it's the truth, I know I didn't give myself the right, opportune moments to recharge back then. It seemed like I had transitioned into becoming a life battery for someone else, and you can only do that for so long for someone before you burn out yourself. When it came time for the concert, the days leading up to it she was talking about how the world didn't need her anymore, that people were out to get her, her "running out of places to hurt herself", and more. Became so worried about her that I had a panic attack right in front of my family the night before it. I even brought up my worry to her best friend who told me that if we went it'd be like a panic attack waiting to happen for her. But when the day of the concert came and I brought up my worry, she exploded on me and in essence, spun it to make it seem like I was controlling her, taking things away from her like her parents, and more. Having looked back on it, I still fully believe I gave her every ounce of love I had. Could I have been better in some spots? Absolutely, but the genuine intent and care for her were there. It's been a lot of trauma to navigate through, but as I told her many times, there's light at the end of the tunnel. Despite all of what happened I still hope, for her sake, she is genuinely doing ok and hasn't reverted back to self-harming or believing she doesn't matter or any of what she was saying/doing back then.
Took him back several times after lying, cheating, betraying and physically assaulting me. For two years. Opened up about what I feel insecure about in the relationship all for him to tell me “I have nothing to say, I’m tired of you creating problems and being unable to forget the past, I’m done for real this time don’t worry about me coming back” which equates to me “Thank you for being my doormat and forgiving me each time I fucked but I’m not dealing with you being this broken person because I do not value you that much, bye”
Hahaha my God this feels like my story itself. I am sure he's going around telling all his friends (who he introduced me to) that how "incompatible" we were and how he has done me a favour by severing this relationship. 😅 I was a dumbass throughout that 1 year to have tolerated his non sense, emotional abuse and utter narcissistic behaviour. I used to live in crumbs and be okay with that. First 3 months post breakup were hell for me. I don't know how I have survived all those hours of crying, starving and overthinking. Doing much better now, happily single, still kinda exhausted with all the love that drained me top to bottom. But I believe time will heal everything.
Yes. Sadly, I was very naive and obsessed with the idea of him loving me that I lost myself, and I let him treat me that way. My only goal was for him to love me and make me his girlfriend that I was willing to accept anything. Ofc at the end, you can't force anything. If the person is not at the same tune you're in, then it just won't work. It hurts a lot bc I truly tried working things out, and I genuinely wanted an opportunity, us to be something and create a beautiful relationship, but it was always one-sided. It was not going to work if I was giving 100%, and he wasn't even meeting me halfway.
You usually get treated badly or devalued before they dump you.
Yes. I dated a narcissistic avoidant. I was unaware how dismissive and uncaring he was. He left me for someone else and then begged for me back twice. He gave me two bs apologies. I had the satisfaction of rejecting him twice. My life improved immediately. I got a great job offer, new friends, began dating someone much better and I’m at peace. I was always anxious around my ex and didn’t realize why. It’s literally your body warning you something isn’t right. I guess in a way, karma or the universe balances itself out. :)
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I can’t stand people like that
Yup story of my life
all 3 of them lol
this made me laugh because YES like how
Yeah, the one I'm in NC atm. It's a lesson.
Yep. She was emotionally abusive, and I just brushed it off and took the emotional abuse for months. The emotional abuse started 3 months into the 7 month relationship. By month 6, I snapped and got angry with her over it. My single angry outburst was enough for her to end it. She has mild autism, so I tried my best to be patient, but some of the things she did were just too much for me. I didn't want to leave her, because I truly thought we were meant to be.
The best clown move from me is I tried to rekindle with her four times and I got dumped by the same person "4 times".
Yes. He then blamed me for the breakup and proceeded to pretend to be super hurt by it all.
I can remember my ex of 5 years being mean towards me in the end. Hitting me when I accidentally put my arm on his side of the bed. Ignoring me. Ruining my birthday because of him distancing from me. Always prioritising himself and friends over me. When he moved to Scotland for his phd he never once asked me how I felt about it or how we are going to make the long distance work. Still I continued to be supportive. After a month of him being mean and avoidant. I called his mom in desperation (he was staying there for a few days). He was angry I did that. She literally kicked his ass to talk to me and finally he said: “I don’t see us working anymore and sorry for my behaviour.” I was extremely calm and said: “the way you have treated me, I will NEVER accept that from anyone else in the future (lol I did tho) and I wont accept your lousy sorry.” Then I walked away. The first thing I did was going to the mall and buy myself some presents with the money I saved for his birthday. He in the meanwhile went to his friends, who were also my friends, and they posted all their fun on the socials (well I muted them all immediately). I was free again after years of giving everything and receiving soo little. The best decision ever made. 1,8 years later. I heard from 2 mutual friends that he still wants to apologise and try to become friends. But no no no no.
Yup! Caught him cheating, he was sending nudes to other girls, they were sending them back and he was circulating them amongst his friends. He begged me to stay, and I was young, insecure and naive, so I did. We’d been together 3 years and we had just resigned a 12 month lease. A few weeks later he dumped me via text, while we were still living together. I was 21, it was my first serious relationship and I thought it was the end of the world.
Omg the story of my life. This just happened to me. I was in a 7 year relationship with my childhood sweetheart we were together for seven years. Seven. We started dating when I was 15 and he was 14. He was the love of my life I put up with so much. I believed that we were meant to be together so that meant not just dumping him over anything. He never cheated. But he lied. He made up fucked up things. He minupated and gaslighted me for years. And I just believed him. Because I believed he would never lie. How could he? Never about something like this. For example, when we were in high-school we were dating long distance for awhile. He made up a fake girl. Her name was Jen. Jen loved him because he saved her life. Apparently he caught her and saved her from jumping. I just believed this. I've never met her. Yes we were long distance but I stayed the summers and holidays. We were still together alot. Apparently he told her they could be together because he loved me and her brother was my ex boyfriends best friend. Yet again I never met this best friend. Apparently his name was Phillip. I looked up his profile over the years it started the year we started dating. All his photos you could find on Google. Again fake. One day Jen started messaging me on Facebook. She had no profile picture. Again only started the year this Jen girl came up. She would torment me saying she loved him better and that she spent all this time together with him. And that she can fuck my ex whenever she wanted. But one day I got a message. I was away for the weekend with my friends. But one guy on the camping trip my ex boyfriend hated. He told me if I went on the trip we would be over. But I wanted to go and I was only 16/17 at the time. My twin sister was going to. So I said I was going. But when I got back. ( we had no wifi on the trip) I got a message from Jen. It was a suicide note. Saying she's going to end her life. Saying it's because she can't have my ex boyfriend because of me. She blamed me. She said I had to promise to take care of my ex boyfriend because she can't. At the time I believed what Jen said I believed she was real. Apart of me. Still believes maybe she was. Because it teared me apart at the time. Anyways she was brought up over the years. And I kept my promise. No matter what. I stayed with him. But I never saw a photo. Never heard of a feneral. Never saw a grave. Never heard of anyone called Jen passing. My friends who knew what happened. Said it was fake. But why would anyone lie? Over the years. I put up with alot of abuse and control. My friend red flag was when he hit me, held me down, left me on the side of the road. When he told me no one would ever love me. I was a loner. This is why no one likes me. He never believed me when I said I got serially abused and had to take someone to court. He said I should of listened to him. I should of never gone out. I put up with it for 7 years. Thinking I deserved it. I deserved nothing. Because he said so. And I believed him. I was treated wrong. Even tho I stood by him. He's the one who dumped me over text message. After he spend the night with me holding me Saying how much he loved me. Now he's blowing up my phone. Saying that he misses me and he loves me and wants to be friends. No you missed out. I'm glowing now. I'm making to being happy. I'm not depressed anymore. Yes you broke me. But now I'm standing on my own 2 feet again. I'm 2r and I have my whole life ahead of me asshole. Also sorry for ranting.
Yeah me
I never got dump in my life
Yes
Yup
Yes. This last one. I would have stayed with him thru anything.
Yup
I think a lot of people have that experience at some point, including myself. While it was tough, it helped me with future relationships. I have that experience to where I can see where things are going, and that I should be the one leaving them.
That is the biggest lesson I learned is to never lose myself in order to save a failing relationship
Yes and I stupidly went back to him 3 more times and had the same cycle repeat itself.
Ugh yes. It makes me feel terrible.
yes, my situation currently .. and he still hasn’t genuinely taken accountability & doesn’t understand the gravity of his actions & how badly everything hurt me
Yes. It makes you take yourself more seriously afterwards so I’m actually glad that happened.