One thing you can try is focusing on being an active listener. Instead of trying to think of what to say next while the other person is talking, really listen to what they're saying and ask follow-up questions based on what they've shared. This can help keep the conversation flowing and make the other person feel heard and valued.
I second the active listening advice. It really is the most important part of having good conversation.
I'll add that if you're trying to think of things that might make them laugh or like being around you, then you're missing a key point, too. The best way to make people laugh is to be funny. Just like the best way to make people like being around you is to be likable. This doesn't mean that you aren't those things already, so don't think you need to change. Just know that effort negates authenticity in many situations. So, if you're trying to be funny or likable, you'll likely stifle the best parts of you.
Instead, you can do a couple of things... First, if you're trying to crack a joke, say it in a way that's funny to you. Make yourself laugh, and you're much more likely to make them laugh because it's real for you. You might have a weird, dark, or sick sense of humor that others don't get, but even then, with active listening, you'll get better over time at reading their cues and the situation.
As far as likability goes, this really comes down to easing tension and treating people the way you want to be treated. The second part we've all heard a thousand times, so no secret there. Just be nice if you want them to be nice. Relax if you want them to relax. Etc. To start easing tension, anytime you find yourself making small talk, recognize any tension, awkwardness, or negativity that you're feeling and assume they feel it too. Then just try to do or say what would help you relax more.
This is the basics of being a conversationalist by being authentic, but of course, there's always more you can do if you want to kind of "game it." These are tactics that investigators, salesman, politicians, etc. use, where they're not really being authentic at all, they're just reading your body language and hacking your brain, lol.
I'd really suggest starting with just being the person you want to be - a real, funny, likable, authentic person.
But if you have a reason to, or ever want to go further, let me know, and we can work on hacking some brains ;)
Think of it like a tree with branches.
One sentence can lead to so many things
Me: How was your day, what did you do today
You: oh it was boring, I just had classes and watched a movie
With this sentence, you can start 2 conversations
1. Pick classes: oh man I feel you, I remember a time I had this class with this dumb professor, he gave me an F for cheating 😂
You: no way 😂, that happened to me in high school blah blah
And both of you laugh your way to different topics
2. Pick movie: speaking about movies, did you see the new avengers movie? Everyone has been talking about it, it was this and that blah blah
My trick is that in a sentence I pick one or two main words and form branches… in this case, movie and classes(you can see that it stays on topic and gives the conversation variety)
You can use boring too, so 3 different words.
And when I use one branch, if it doesn’t lead to other topics then I go back to the second word and start another conversation.
Hope that helps
The trick I learned is to stop talking and just nod along whenever someone gives emphasis to what they're saying or gives that look in their eyes that says they're gauging your interest. You'll soon find people REALLY like talking to a wall and you can inject something only when you feel like it'd really add to the conversation or if they actually ask a question.
Conversation is a 2 way thing and I think a lot of people are bad at it. You’re trying. You’re listening and asking questions.
When it feels like an interview, it’s often bc the *other* person is not keeping up the conversation.
Also, with all due respect to your dad, not everyone enjoys having strangers strike up conversations with them and are often just being polite when they respond.
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apart from what's been already said, try to be in touch with your brain and recognize what you think/feel at given moment. Filter it accordingly and just say what you think, instead of stressing what to say or what is expected of you to say.
structuring a talk is meaningless, as all the capacity you could use on listening to the other person is allocated to hold all the list of topics
I recently started visiting a gym with sauna. More often than not I'd initiate conversation with someone present, because else it's 15 mins of awkward silence and boredom lol
"That's interesting, tell me why you think you're bad at conversing... you mentioned it feels like an interview but when does it not?" These are rhetorical questions but they're just an example of how to listen and lead the conversation.
One thing you can try is focusing on being an active listener. Instead of trying to think of what to say next while the other person is talking, really listen to what they're saying and ask follow-up questions based on what they've shared. This can help keep the conversation flowing and make the other person feel heard and valued.
In addition to this, make the follow up questions open ended: who, what, when, where, why & how!
I second the active listening advice. It really is the most important part of having good conversation. I'll add that if you're trying to think of things that might make them laugh or like being around you, then you're missing a key point, too. The best way to make people laugh is to be funny. Just like the best way to make people like being around you is to be likable. This doesn't mean that you aren't those things already, so don't think you need to change. Just know that effort negates authenticity in many situations. So, if you're trying to be funny or likable, you'll likely stifle the best parts of you. Instead, you can do a couple of things... First, if you're trying to crack a joke, say it in a way that's funny to you. Make yourself laugh, and you're much more likely to make them laugh because it's real for you. You might have a weird, dark, or sick sense of humor that others don't get, but even then, with active listening, you'll get better over time at reading their cues and the situation. As far as likability goes, this really comes down to easing tension and treating people the way you want to be treated. The second part we've all heard a thousand times, so no secret there. Just be nice if you want them to be nice. Relax if you want them to relax. Etc. To start easing tension, anytime you find yourself making small talk, recognize any tension, awkwardness, or negativity that you're feeling and assume they feel it too. Then just try to do or say what would help you relax more. This is the basics of being a conversationalist by being authentic, but of course, there's always more you can do if you want to kind of "game it." These are tactics that investigators, salesman, politicians, etc. use, where they're not really being authentic at all, they're just reading your body language and hacking your brain, lol. I'd really suggest starting with just being the person you want to be - a real, funny, likable, authentic person. But if you have a reason to, or ever want to go further, let me know, and we can work on hacking some brains ;)
Wow, thanks for the upvotes! I hope this was helpful!
Think of it like a tree with branches. One sentence can lead to so many things Me: How was your day, what did you do today You: oh it was boring, I just had classes and watched a movie With this sentence, you can start 2 conversations 1. Pick classes: oh man I feel you, I remember a time I had this class with this dumb professor, he gave me an F for cheating 😂 You: no way 😂, that happened to me in high school blah blah And both of you laugh your way to different topics 2. Pick movie: speaking about movies, did you see the new avengers movie? Everyone has been talking about it, it was this and that blah blah My trick is that in a sentence I pick one or two main words and form branches… in this case, movie and classes(you can see that it stays on topic and gives the conversation variety) You can use boring too, so 3 different words. And when I use one branch, if it doesn’t lead to other topics then I go back to the second word and start another conversation. Hope that helps
The trick I learned is to stop talking and just nod along whenever someone gives emphasis to what they're saying or gives that look in their eyes that says they're gauging your interest. You'll soon find people REALLY like talking to a wall and you can inject something only when you feel like it'd really add to the conversation or if they actually ask a question.
Conversation is a 2 way thing and I think a lot of people are bad at it. You’re trying. You’re listening and asking questions. When it feels like an interview, it’s often bc the *other* person is not keeping up the conversation. Also, with all due respect to your dad, not everyone enjoys having strangers strike up conversations with them and are often just being polite when they respond.
Thank you for your contribution to /r/IWantToLearn. If you think this post breaks our policies, please report it and our staff team will review it as soon as possible. Also, check out our sister sub /r/IWantToTeach and [our Discord server](https://discord.gg/PvnVkHUJSQ)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/IWantToLearn) if you have any questions or concerns.*
apart from what's been already said, try to be in touch with your brain and recognize what you think/feel at given moment. Filter it accordingly and just say what you think, instead of stressing what to say or what is expected of you to say. structuring a talk is meaningless, as all the capacity you could use on listening to the other person is allocated to hold all the list of topics I recently started visiting a gym with sauna. More often than not I'd initiate conversation with someone present, because else it's 15 mins of awkward silence and boredom lol
"That's interesting, tell me why you think you're bad at conversing... you mentioned it feels like an interview but when does it not?" These are rhetorical questions but they're just an example of how to listen and lead the conversation.