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Lost my brother very unexpectedly 3 years ago, and for about a year after that, I couldn’t sleep. Mostly because I was afraid that when I was asleep, someone else in my family(have 2 other siblings and both parents) would pass and I wouldn’t be there.
It took awhile but I finally realized that I just had to deal with the fact that they will leave me at some point. That my life with them up till that point had been a good one. That my parents knew I loved them and the same with my siblings.
I'm so sorry. I went through something similar after my dad died. I didn't want to let anyone get close to me because I feared they would die and I wouldn't be able to handle it.
Holy crap. This mirrors my own experience so much. I lost my brother suddenly in 2019. Absolutely gained the fear that I would wake up to one of my parents also being dead and I wasn't there. I'd wake up and check to make sure they were both up and breathing.
It's a horrible feeling, but it's somehow nice to know I'm not alone in this experience. Kind of like how hearing other people also experience guilt after loss. Like, oh, this is a common part of experiencing loss/grief. I can get through this.
My brother died in 2017. I told my adopted mom that if she calls me 3x in a row again- I will assume someone else is dead .
My bio dad has had some health scares and when he dies- I’ll have 2 dead bio parents.
I’m not emotionally prepared for when my mom or dad or my oldest sister goes. I only got a week off of work when my brother died and I’d feel like I’d need longer than that for my mom or my dad or my oldest sister
This. When my dad passed, I can unequivocally say that I spent every moment that I could have with him (obviously within reason, it wasn't weird lol). His own mother couldn't say that. She hadn't seen him in years.
I have absolutely been having the same feeling in recent months. And on top of that, them starting to go wrinkly and grey seems to be hitting at the exact same time as my own body showing it's no longer invincible and having random weird health things and it's just been this massive wall of "holy shit time has flown by and will continue to fly by no matter what." I'm not prepared for any of it.
This! I can’t believe I’m nearing the end of my 30s and I forgot to have kids or get married, I was having so much fun until now. I’ve had a major surgery and almost died last year.
My grandmother once told me to cherish the moment because time speeds up, you’ll blink and realize so much time has passed. This haunted me then, horrifies me more now.
I'm 68, my father is 90, mom died 7 years ago. I share your feelings. You can't do much about their aging, but you can make an effort to stay in touch while they are alive.
I also fear losing dad, so I make an effort to stay in contact. I live in another country, so I visit once or twice a year, but we FaceTime frequently. My sister, 65, lives near him. I lived.near my parents before we moved away, and spent many hours with my mom in her last few years as she died. Visiting, going to the doctor, etc. it was hard but I have no regret.
My millennial step kids have expressed the same fear of losing their mom, but only one makes an effort to visit us here. We travel to visit them both about once a year, and one of them may visit here once or twice a year.
We use Whatsapp audio and video chats to stay in touch several times a week, sharing news, mundane or exciting.
The key is making an effort to share time with them, however possible.
There is no do-over with keeping in contact with a parent. Once they are gone, they are gone. I totally regret not visiting my grandparents when I had the chance. Suddenly they were gone. I made lot's of excuses for not visiting, they all sound selfish and lame now. SMH
Don't procrastinate with older relatives. Visit, chat, email, call, write letters, use whatever means are feasible technically for your elders.
I hear that many boomer parents and millennial children have gone no contact in adult hood. Many have very good reasons, others may regret their decisions.
Life is short, something I didn't fully realize until I was iny 50s. Every moment is precious, be mindful of what you spend your time doing.
I'm partially on the other side of it. I lost my dad last year to a long battle with cancer. To me, it's the circle of life. We're supposed to outlive our parents, not the other way around. It's all about perspective. Mine was shaped by having had two friends lose children (one to SIDS and another to a late term miscarriage).
I would never compare losing a parent who lived a full life (Dad was 73 when he died, Mom is still with us at 74) to what they went through. I'm far more afraid of losing one of my children (no bio kids but have been a guardian to an ex's younger sister, so count her and future kids) than I am my other parent.
This is how I am too. I am/was actually okay when my mom died. She lived a good life, was in her 70s, and ill. She will be missed by many, but we are okay. Her time was complete. The whole time, though, I was concerned about her mother, who is very much alive and fairly well.
And I agree having friends lose kids is far harder than it was for me to lose my mom. (With that said, I hope our dad lives a long time longer. He probably will.)
It's a huge difference if someone dies at 65-70y or 85-90y. I don't know how old your mom was exactly, but for context: I will always remember my grandparents who lived until I was in my twenties, while my kids would never remember my mom who was 70 when she died.
I don't see her life as complete, bc she died so much earlier then average and it wasn't a natural death, but a disease.
My mom died this year, she would've been 61 in October. Fuck cancer.... Her life definitely wasn't complete to me, both grandma's are still alive at 90 and 85. My daughter will remember her vaguely I think because she's 8 but my son never got the chance to meet her and that absolutely kills me. I got 18 years with 4 grandparents, I couldn't imagine how much different I would be without that.
I'm single and childless. The hardest part of losing my dad wasn't his actual death but the fact that, despite being given extra time to do so, I didn't give him grandkids. And believe me, it's not because I didn't want to and didn't try to.
That’s okay. Everyone is different. My mom was 70 when she died and had cancer. All of my grandparents lived or are living into their 90s. I’m in my 40s and both of my mom’s parents are still living. We have the youngest of mom’s grandchildren and they are teens.
I think having kids who are teens already makes your situation different. They will have memories of her and you had your mom around to help you with everything.
Our kids will remember her, and that is special. My kids know she loved them. I think the other thing that helped us was that she was sick, especially at the end. We didn’t want her to stay in that condition for long. (As good of a mother as she was for us, she didn’t directly help me with much, so-to-speak, once I hit adulthood. She was however generally supportive from a distance, and it’s good to have people in your corner. I have other women in my life as closer and more practical supports or mentors for me.)
Regardless of it all, I’m very sorry for your loss. Grief is hard any way you slice it. I hope your kids learn and love so much about her.
Gen X here.
This too will pass. It sucks really hard. Lost my dad just before the lockdown in late 2019, he went quick. We had a long and difficult relationship. But he tried hard for all his faults. I know he loved me and that will always be enough.
I am helping a friend who is a millennial face the death of his father and all that means. We deployed together and he never dealt with all the trauma his father gave him and his brother. When his dad died he just went numb and then did some really self-destructive stuff. Long term he is getting better, but he still won't face the bad stuff he tries to repress it which I keep telling him will end badly.
What you need to deal with is your parents are a major part of you and their passing will have an effect. Enjoy the time with them and celebrate their life, not the death. Also use the experience to pass on the best things you can to the next generation and try to cut out the negatives as much as you can.
It's interesting that in many cases where someone loses an abusive parent, they spiral. Not sure why. It's a psychological thing that I think should be looked into.
I'm not sure what I will feel when my neglectful mother passes and my abusive ex stepfather as well..I think I won't feel anything but I can't spiral because I have a disabled son that depends on me
It's really hard at times. It's still fresh because mine died 2 months ago, I find myself calling to check on her or just to talk quite often. Like I just forget it really happened and when no one answers it hits me like a ton of bricks. Dad kept her phone active and occasionally goes through it to see old videos and stuff. Seeing her active on messenger when he does that is an absolute gut punch. I feel like maybe I haven't accepted it yet or I'm trying to convince myself it's fake though I know she's gone. I'd give anything to hear her voice again
I’m so sorry for your loss. The human condition is cruel, but it’s the price we pay for entry to this collective hallucination we call life. It sounds like you love your mother very much, and I’m sure she adored you. Maybe you could talk to Dad about downloading all the photos and videos he wants to keep, and then closing her accounts. It sounds like that would help your grieving process.
This is the real fear for me. I'm not close to my parents even though they live 30 minutes away. My fear is that their deaths will be harder on me than I think they will be.
My dad and his father didn't speak for 20 years (my paternal grandparents live/d less than 10 minutes from my parents). They finally got back on speaking terms and my grandfather passed a couple of years later. They lost so much time because they were stupid and stubborn. I still speak to my dad, but not often and I don't really enjoy our conversations.
Is there anything that you want your dad to know before he dies? Anything special that he taught you? Any memory that you two share together?
May not be a bad idea to write it out, and tell him. I’m just suggesting writing it out so you don’t forget anything important.
But yeah, my parents and I are not close, but my dad’s death hit me like a freaking freight train.
ETA: is there any information you want from your dad like how he acquired a piece of furniture what it was like the day you were born? What is his favorite piece of clothing? What cologne does he wear? These are all questions to consider asking.
That’s so weird that you say subconsciously they’re in their 30s and 40s for you. I do the exact same thing. I told my parents when I think of them they’re forever 40. They got a kick out of it. But what a strange thing for our minds to do. I wonder why that is?
My dad died when I was 19 and my mom died just days before my 25th birthday (they were 40 and 45 respectively). It was devastating.
Cherish every accomplishment and milestone your parents DO make it to, and be grateful that they’ve made it to some of the most important ones (births, weddings, graduations).
I won’t miss them, they were terrible parents and have done nothing but make my life harder. I’m sure this sounds callous but don’t judge and instead count your blessings. Not everyone has the wholesome and uplifting family unit, I actually envy you guys.
Agree with your sentiment. My mother is a leech. She’s in terrible health and won’t take care of herself and blames me for it. I somehow feel like she’s a cockroach and will live forever just to spite me. She’s not a bad person per se; but didn’t do much to raise me and feels entitled to being cared for and supported by me none the less. I wish it was different.
Same boat. My dad died years and years ago and I hadn't seen him for years before. My mom, even though I lived with her and took care of her, was absolutely awful. She was physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive and it angers me when people tell me I didn't mourn properly, or I'm not respecting her memory. Well, let's go over my "memories" of her the last few years of her life and discuss exactly what I'm not respecting, when she never respected ME.
The one big thing I learned is you can be both sad and happy someone is gone. We all mourn differently, and it's okay. I have never felt more human and alive since my mother passed.
Good for you, and I hope it continues because you deserve it! I am so sorry you had to go through this. I’m just an internet stranger but can feel your pain in this composition. Thanks for sharing.
i lost my dad when i 16 so i’ve been living in constant fear of this since then. he never got to see any of my accomplishments. he never got to see me grow up. he never got to give my sister away at her wedding and there’s grandchildren he’s never met. my mom is the only person i have left. but she’ll be 67 this year. she and my uncle both outlived their parents and act like they have one foot in the grave. my anxiety about something happening to my mom is so severe my mind jumps to the worst when she doesn’t answer my calls or texts. she’s retired, i live with her and there’s sometimes where i do leave before she wakes. it’s gotten so bad i’ve almost sent my brothers to check on her. god i hope it’s normal lol
They can go at any time. I lost my mum when I was 20. She was 49. Cancers a bitch. Just spend time with them when you can, and regularly tell them you love them. If you have kids, send them off for visits with and without you for bonding time, and for spoiling of course lol. My kids never got the chance, so I talk about her regularly to have a sense of who she was. I miss that I never got the opportunity for us to have that close mother-daughter friendship as adults.
I said this in therapy and she was like "well that's just a fact of life, your parents will die" and then changed the subject. 🤣🤣 i was like ok that doesn't help. I've had such bad therapists that i just stopped even trying.
My therapist has been helpful for having me reframe my anxieties as things I’m grateful for. Like, I’m anxious about my parents dying but that’s because I’m so so so lucky that they are loving people and I’ve gotten to become an adult with their guidance and support in my life.
Can’t stop the ole ticking of time. Feel blessed to still have time with them, cause a lot of people don’t even if they are alive. Life is short but precious and try to be grateful, not stressed by which you cannot control.
My mom died of breast cancer at 60 in 2018 and my dad had a major stroke at 60 in 2014 that left him permanently disabled. He’s almost 70 now and his cognitive ability has been very much in decline for the last five years or so. I was in my late 20s/early 30s when this all happened.
I’ll tell you one thing: my life looks very different from my peers’ because I don’t have parents like they do. I can’t ask my parents for advice or help. I can’t go do fun things with them or even celebrate with them. The hardest part for me has been dealing with my losses at a younger age than most; sometimes the jealousy I have when I see a person my age enjoying a nice dinner out or a walk with their parents is just overwhelming.
Unfortunately, death will come for all of us, even you and me. All we can do it make the most of the time we have.
Gotta just spend the time. Don’t ever not pick up the phone always make effort to see them etc.
I lost my mother unexpectedly in April. She was only 59. We had a pretty arms length relationship. She had a lot of mental illness issues she was not addressing properly. I kinda stayed away to keep out of the drama.
Now I’m just full of regret. I have all these voicemails she left me where I ignored the call. She loved me, I know this but I could have made more effort as a son. Don’t be like me.
I am elder millennial- my dad died when I was 11. It sucks and I won’t say it doesn’t. However, I try to look at the positives: I had a more fulfilling relationship with him in the 11 years I had him than many people have with a parent in a lifetime. He was such a fantastic father, and I have amazing memories. The only thing that can be hard is that because I was so young when he died, there are precious few people in my life that have any memories of him. My mom is in her 70s and in great health. We are very close and I know it will be hard when she goes, but she has touched so many people’s lives that I know I will have lots of other people to share memories with.
I lost both my parents in my twenties. My mother passed when I was 21 while my father passed when I was 28. It absolutely devastated me. All I can say is life can change in an instant so spend as much time as you can with the people you care about while they’re still here.
My mom passed last August. She was 53. Metastatic breast cancer. Fought it for four years. From the time we found out it was terminal, it was literally two weeks. I was 32 at the time. Pray that they go of age.
My grandmother passed two weeks prior from cancer but she lived a long life. My mom’s was cut short and that’s what hurts the most about it, all the time we had left together, gone. Just like that.
You can’t really prepare for it. You can fear it. Fear is healthy. Just make sure they know how much you care while you still can. I told my mom everyday I loved her but it still feels not enough sometimes.
My (53) daughter has the same feelings. I can't bring up my inevitable death without her crying. Some things I have done to make it easier on them is to joke about stuff they can do with my cremains. We have a rock driveway and I told them to put some on the driveway so they'll be reminded of me whenever they track it in the house. Whenever they drive anywhere they'll be taking me with them. etc. I read about someone else that made stickers of their family member and they stuck the stickers around whenever they traveled so their loved one would be with them and see the sites too.
It's a very real thing, and it is worse if you've never had someone close to you die. Talk to them and try to plan out what will happen. Just like anything else, planning and preparing makes it a little less scary. It helps if you can throw some humor in it, but not everyone is ready to giggle about death. (My husband thinks I'm absolutely morbid)
Realizing your parents aren't immortal is the beginning of you realizing that you're not immortal. It's natural to be scared of both things. If you're religious then talk to a councilor from your church, they will have a great deal of information for you. Afterall that's one of the main reasons churches are there, to help you and yours pass into the afterlife. If you're not religious then a regular councilor can help as well.
Good luck, plan out what you'd do if it were to happen and it will be less scary when it does (and hopefully it won't for a very long time.)
I used to have this fear but in the form of a parent being scared of death because I have no idea if we just die and become nothing or if some part of me may still be around to help my kids in some way if they needed comfort or help.
One day I realized they were going to be ok.
I saw them handling tough things and moving forward in their lives as young adults. One was my son at 26 getting his first teaching job and seeing how much he loves being a teacher, and that the kids he teaches really love having him as a teacher.
The other was seeing my daughter at 21 who experienced a great trauma to start to take her life back and have the light back in her eyes that I thought might have been entirely snuffed out.
I can see them as adults who can make it in the world without me now.
Now when I have an intrusive thought about death I feel peace and I think well, I guess I'll just go back to wherever I was before I was born, and I know my kids are going to be ok without me, if I can witness their accomplishments after death I will be ecstatic, but if I can't rest assured they know I'm proud of them and I have faith those accomplishments will come and whether I see them with my own eyes they can rest assured I'm already proud.
I think the main thing is tell them ( your parents ) your fears so they can reassure you they are already proud of you, and they are at peace knowing wherever they go after death they know you are on your way to those accomplishments, whether they ever know what they exactly ****are****.
In The Sixth Sense there is a moment at the end of the movie where a character gets reassurance from beyond that their parent -even though they are passed, is proud of her every day.
I think if you can talk to your parents now and know they already feel that way, and will no matter where they end up it will help ease your fear of death and you can move on from that fear and have peace in that respect .
Hope that this helps.
Xx
It's called anticipatory grief. I'm only 26 but my parents had me at 42 so I've felt this a lot in the past like 10 years. Growing up in a Christian home I've always had a fear of death and remember crying when I was little cause I was scared of dying. Both of my parents lost their dads when they were in their teens, so I'm grateful they're still around but I cry on my drive home almost every time after I see them because I think of when they are eventually gone. I hate that my oldest sibling had an extra 16 years with them and when he was my age, they were in their early 50s but they're almost 70 now
Yeah. My mother died when I was in high school and my father is not doing the best health wise now. I will not be doing okay when he does pass, to say the least. I try not to think of it negatively, just build memories I know I'll want to reflect on to remember him by, instead of tainting it ahead of time.
Lost my dad 13 years ago today. It’s not easy. Being 24 and saying goodbye to a parent sucks. Regrets linger, things are left unsaid, and life is less cheerful.
Pops passed away almost 9 years ago.
My advice is to give them your time because you can’t buy that or get it back. If you don’t live close you should video chat. Set up dates and keep them.
Anyone awake in the head thinks of everything coming. I don’t look forward to it at all. So many aunts uncles parents, it’s gonna be years of hits to the heart, guess why life is so precious and important to get those mingles in while you can. We do parents house, once a weekend for dinner, just take it all in tell the brain, save these files damn you. Save them good.
I had a really weird, strained, distant relationship with my dad due to his random bouts of anger - he would ruin special days on a whim (I think it gave him some sick satisfaction of a having a sense of power) - like when my mum had slaved the entire day over Christmas dinner and my dad chose to lose his temper over my brother about something as trivial as being due for a haircut and yell the entire evening, even following my brother to his room after dinner to continue to yell at him about getting a haircut. It was Covid btw so completely understandable at my brother not cutting his hair for almost a year.
He was hardly nice to us - once when I was a lot younger, I asked him why he had us and he said ‘that’s just what people are supposed to do’.
I was always apprehensive whenever he was nice to us on the rare occasion cos it was always to borrow money which he would never repay. What’s worse is that he would borrow money to do stupid things like donate to charity when he himself was broke - even bullying my mum who was a housewife to give him what little savings she’d scraped together.
For the reasons above (being yelled at randomly or being asked for money), I was always wary and tried to keep as much distance as possible.
I’m still processing his sudden death, and I’m more angry and sad that he wasn’t financially responsible to my mum and didn’t take care of her (my mum had to ask us to help with her dentist visits and other important expenses) while my dad went giving away money to charity to make himself look successful and generous.
My father died 12 years ago and it was the hardest thing I ever went through in life,some positives did come out of it when I was done grieving though I became a little more outgoing and some of my anxiety went away because I was scared of not living a full life,and I started to appreciate my mother a little more we go on a trip once a year and create memories I’ll be very sad when she passes but that’s life unfortunately.
> I want them to be there for all of my life's accomplishments
Nah. It's not about me, it's about them. I just want them to be happy for as long as possible and I want to spend time with them. Simple as that.
Oh yeah it’s a real fear. One of those ones that you can’t get out of your head as you’re laying in bed at night. You think of how it will feel when it happens. Welp I didn’t handle it how I thought I would when I woke up to 26 missed calls. I was in the kitchen as I called my brother back. He answered and I asked…is it Dad? Yes? Mike…is he gone. Yes. Where’s mom? She’s at home. I just buckled. No amount of worrying or thinking about it prepares you for Mom without Dad. Fuck nothing prepares you for the loss of a parent. But I can tell you now nine months later it gets a bit better. I think of him often and I try to do things ALOT with my mother. I think Dad would want me to. She’s a riot too. Just a sad one.
Oh god yes. And I almost want to pass before my dad does because he's essentially the only person in my life and I don't know what I'm going to do without him..
I'm Gen X and although I've been preparing for my parents deaths for decades now (they're 94 and 89), I still can't imagine a world where they're not in it. It's going to be brutal and it's going to happen soon..........
You’ve touched on something that’s been heavy on my mind for a while. I lost my dad to cancer five years ago. Grandparents all died when I was very young, so it’s just my mom left.
What happens when she goes? I won’t have anyone to ask questions about the family stories and history, I won’t have anyone to look to for advice or anyone who has been there to validate yes/no that did(not) happen that way. It’s a burden I’m not ready to carry for the family.
I love my mom, but there’s something beyond the pain of losing her that plagues me, it’s losing my last connection with the past.
I too have this fear of losing my parents. It was only recently I noticed this when my dad began to have health issues. gives me depression and anxiety to think.
I have this fear also. I try to not let my mind run wild with it whenever it creeps in. I make extra efforts to FaceTime them and visit them fora week or two every few months so we can live in the moment together.
This was my biggest fear throughout childhood, and it came true. My father passed away when I was 20, and my mother died last year when I was 34. We were never really close with my extended family, so I really only have my brother and niece left. The first 6 months were the worst months of my life, dealing with funeral arrangements, settling the estate, adjusting to being the oldest generation in my family, but now I'm honestly the happiest and most content I've ever been. Basically, what I'm trying to say is despite my biggest fear coming true, there is happiness on the other side. I graduated from nursing school last month and passed my boards, and of course it was difficult not to have my parents there, but my boyfriends entire family and my friend group celebrated with me. Cherish the time and build memories with your parents, but also build your village too. Since my parents deaths, I have realized how fortunate I am to have the village that I have.
My male parent has been gone for about 8 years now. I didn’t have an actual relationship with him. I have siblings from him but we don’t have a relationship at all and I have no connections or dealings with them. So it didn’t truly make any changes for me in my life experiences. My female parent is still alive then on top of that we aren’t that close, and strained. I didn’t come from a good family where I was concerned about their future deaths because they were pretty much already dead to me, unfortunately. I’ve accepted death is a part of life and we all will be a part of that cycle. Death can happen at any age as well not only at old age.
Lost my mother to COVID in 2021, and my dad passed in Nov of 2022 while on in-home hospice. They divorced while I was in high school.
I had expected my dad to pass by now, he had his first heart attack when I was 10 (now 31)… my mom however, it still doesn’t feel right and while I’ve accepted it, now that they’re both gone it especially bothers me. I had been dating a girl for the past 3 years nearly, she left me in February and since then I’ve missed my mother more than I could ever imagine.
I lost both of parents in a 9 month time span in 2020/2021, both at the age of 62. My Dad died expectedly/unexpectedly. He had cancer, but one of the cancer cells was completely dead, and the other was much smaller and shrinking so the next round of radiation would have killed it. He got a cold and passed away. The following day, my mom fell and broke her hip and eventually became paralyzed. Thankfully she was able to make it to my wedding and I was able to do the mother daughter dance before she passed away 2 weeks later. They are both missing my son's birth and everything that goes along with it while both of my in-laws live with us and expierence it every second of the day.
I don't say that to scare you, but you are aware that it can happen. Be aware of this and try to plan for it. I have videos I made of us just talking and I can always look back on them now and always hear their voice, and see their mannerisms and expressions when I miss them. Make sure that they continue to exercise as they get older, going in walks is a literal life saver for some people. Make sure they have a good social structure in life and after they retire they have a routine set up as that helps to keep you sane. Most of all, love them while they're here and try capturing those memories. It's going to happen one day, but not today.
https://preview.redd.it/67wgbj1z4s9d1.jpeg?width=1440&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=ded0cad6e44549b78660d9af1ebe9f8d8def5e9f
Tell them you love them. Hug them. Take pictures. Save little notes they write. Notice the little things. I lost my mother out of the blue and then watched my father waste away from cancer. I have no siblings. I am alone. But I hold onto the little things. My mother's shirt still smells like her. I keep it in a ziploc. My father's notes are proof his warm hand once moved across that page. Just hold onto all the little things while you can. You can't change the future but you can give yourself tools to make it easier....
I feel this to my core. I just started therapy two weeks ago so I’m hoping to bring this up because I knowwww it’s crazy thinking but at the same time I need to work thru it.
Not happy you feel this way but glad to know I’m not alone in this fear.
My dad died suddenly couple years ago at age 57. I thought I’d have plenty of time with him and then he was gone all of a sudden. Broke my heart. This last Father’s Day was really tough on me. I tried to take the boat out and fish and make a good day of it anyways, smiled back at my woman most of the day, but inside I was just sobbing like a little kid. I’m getting all choked up just thinking about it again.
My best advice is cherish the time you have now, because it can be gone in instant.
Die boomer, die!!!
But seriously, I'm watching my boomer parents age, and it's distressing. They were so vibrant, but now, yeah, they're still there but also less than what they were. Where's my dad, who was a fit, energetic man with a 6 pack? I see an old man limping around now sitting in a recliner all day with a dog. My mother, forgeting stupid shit all the time, who used to keep my schedule straight in school. Was that really 20 years ago?
Guess it's still better than the alternative.
Dude I gotta vent rn. My mum has been in remission for about 15 years now, I was 9 when she was diagnosed and hospitalized. I used to have panic attacks every night for many, many years of losing her (still happens, but not every day). I lost my brother when I was 13 and that broke me. Today I’m nearly 30 and 25w pregnant, about to be a mum myself. Today I learned one of my coworkers moms passed away. Today another coworker broke down from bad news on the phone that her mother’s cancer took the turn for the worst and is being sent home to die peacefully. I cried a lot for seeing those I care about in pain. Today wasn’t a good day. One of those days I count my blessings that my mum is in decent health and my baby so far is healthy and I’m healthy.
My Dad is 70 and I am dreading the day he leaves us. I hope he can live another good 20 or so years (like William Shatner). My first daughter will be born this September and I dont want my daughter to miss out on knowing her grandad. My Mum is in her low 60s so not as concerned about her yet but that time will come too.
Last summer I was working toward a promotion, subtly aware of the fact my then boyfriend would propose to me soon, and had this pervasive thought that although I know good things are around the corner, I hadn’t experienced big trauma in a long time, lolll. Like, life has been really relaxed lately.
Welll! My fiance proposed to me. A week later, I got the promotion I was working toward (on Friday). The next day, my fiance and I left for our annual beach vacation with my family, before we arrived, my mom unexpectedly died of a heart attack at the beach house…
Everything I had manifested came to fruition. I know my mother’s death wasn’t my fault, but I felt it coming. It was by far the most devastating and awful thing to happen and at such a hard time. We loved out of state from each other so we were so excited to celebrate our engagement together.
The worst part of losing a parent is losing your parent. The reality: somehow you live through it. You just keep living. Yes, it’s horrible to not be able to call my mom, can’t hear her laugh, can’t look forward to our next hug, and plan my wedding without her. It fucking sucks. But after 10 months, I know I will continue. I am so grateful for the quality mom I had. Someone who loved me without condition, never judged me, always supported me, was always proud of me. I might have lost her (64) at 28 years old, but she gave me everything I ever needed. It’ll last me a lifetime.
Sending you love and, your fear is valid.
The key is: it is more important that you live through losing your parents than they live through losing you. I’m glad my mom will never know the pain of losing her kids. This is how it should be.
My parents lost their parents when they were 60+ years old themselves (their parents were 80-90).
I lost my parents when I was in my twenties/thirties. It's not the same.
I've lost all but one of my grandparents over the last 4 years. Each time I got a phone call late at night. I work nights for reference. Pop got a new phone recently and has become captain pocket dial. Thankfully it's just background noise of him with the dogs. I can't help but sink each time I get a random 10 PM ring.
Nope. Dying is a part of life. I'm lucky I still have both my parents. I know several people who lost one or both of their parents before they were 25.
I lost my dad 10 years ago and now take care of my mom after her stroke. It's not easy, but unfortunately, we're getting to the age where life may happen. Just be sure to appreciate the moments you have now.
My father unexpectedly died over a decade ago now when I was in my early 20s. I don’t think you’ll ever be prepared for this emotionally, but you can plan practically and financially to make things easier when it does happen.
YEP! My parents are in their mid-late 70s, and both have been near-death before. The idea of not having my mother here is one I avoid. I know it will happen, but just like I know I will lose my dog one day, I am hoping neither happen soon.
My parents are 62. They had me at 19 years old so they’re pretty “young”. It’s weird to think about how my friends parents are in their 70s now. They were my age when I met them. Time is a mfer
I lost my mom when I was 25. She was the one present parent in my life, and I didn't think I could go on without her. She was an amazing person. It was 11 years ago now, and I miss her now as much as I did then, if not more.
There is nothing alive that will not some day die. I’m truly sorry over this, and am dealing with the loss of a parent in my own life, but sadly no one makes it out alive.
I lost both of my remaining grandparents within 30 days of the new year. It’s still devastating. It felt like my Nana was going to live forever. I’m terrified of my parents passing.
This was always my fear as an only child. Then I lost my Dad to cancer a few years ago so now I really fear the day my Mom won't be here anymore and I'll be totally on my own.
It's like without realizing it, I've always had this kind of safety net of having my parents available to ask for advice or for help and I knew they'd always be there for me. Realizing that safety net won't be here forever is really scary even though it's something we all have to deal with eventually.
It’s a crazy feeling. My dad went to the ER with a kidney stone a little over a year and it was there they discovered the severe stage that his lungs are in. Didn’t expect it. He won’t be around much longer. He only has 30% lung function and the only thing that can save him is a double lung transplant but that is no where near for sure. He won’t do it and I respect it. My mothers health isn’t the best and I have no clue about it. I have no idea what will happen with her down the road. You just have to talk to them and spend time. My dad is my best friend and it kills me. Cherish the moments my friend.
Yeah, I'm already prepped with that notion when it comes to my father (he's currently 74 going on 75 come this August) it will be gut wrenching for me when the time comes considering he has been the only one out of my parents who has been in my life.
I had this feeling, and then I had to deal with it when my mom passed about a year and a half ago. It’s really tough to come to terms that someone will no longer be with you. Unfortunately during the whole thing my dad made some strange decisions and ended up alienating me and my family, so it kind of ended up being a double loss. We ended up moving about 1200 miles away, and the distance has actually made the whole thing a lot easier.
Lost my parents, 9 weeks apart, in 2023. Mom was 96.5 and Dad was 98. It is a terrible loss. I know they lived long lives, but i still miss them terribly. The last few years, i was nervous every minute, afraid one of them would die…
I thought the same thing about my parents. My mom passed in 2016 and my dad in 2021. Spend as much time as you can with them. Always make time for family.
Well, you could try to talk them into cryonics (https://waitbutwhy.com/2016/03/cryonics.html). You probably won't succeed (most people have a mental block that prevents thinking in any serious/rational way about death), but at least you'll know you tried.
I stopped being afraid of everyone eventual death when I was 7 and had already experienced my dad dying, acceptance is easier and less draining than fear.
My dad died when I was 20.
It’s pretty disorienting. It’s like, idk. Even though we didn’t have the best relationship, it was like this overarching force in my life just disappeared. It’s like going from having to learn how to bike with training wheels on to having to learn to ride a motorcycle. Suddenly that figure you go to for advice is gone and will never be back.
Eventually you come to terms with it. That was over 10 years ago now, you start to learn and accept that death is just a part of life. We ALL have to go through it, even our parents. Don’t be scared. Easier said than done of course.
Just enjoy the time you have with them now. Absorb everything you can and enjoy their presence. If you don’t have a great relationship with them, maybe consider doing the work to repair it. Sometimes that can’t be done unless we as the children make an effort.
I’m on the opposite side of life to you op. Both of my parents died before I was 23. I miss them both so much and I hope that you cherish them as long as you can. I’ve put off having big life events because my college graduation was so incredibly lonely without either of them there. I don’t want to get married or have kids because I don’t want them to not get to meet their grandparents and know how awesome they were.
My mom was a little bit older than my dad. They had an 11 year age difference and we would always joke that our mom would probably be the one to go first because she was older. My dad had a lot of health problems like diabetes and an enlarged heart-so he unfortunately died from it. My mom was always trying to be healthy and got all of her annual visits done except for her colonoscopy and she got diagnosed with a very rare form of colon cancer in 2012 and passed away in 2015.
It’s sad seeing your parents age but just make sure they are healthy and getting their screenings and you get all of the time you can with them.
Lost my dad in 2001 & lost my mother two years ago. They both passed away from cancer and I miss them tremendously.
My sisters are very supportive of me & I’m very grateful for them.
Welcome to real adulthood.
All you can do is spend time with them and talk to them. Get pictures when you can. Talk about relatives from long ago or places you used to live.
Don't let fear consume you, natural as it may be..cherish what time you do have and when it comes to stepping up to the plate and helping them, do it.
My mother's slipping into advanced alzeimers and has a heart condition that's almost ended her life on several occasions.
Every day I go to see her or I visit every other day, help out with medical needs etc every moment is a blessing .
I’m not close enough with either of my parents to be particularly worried about their passing. I sometimes have anxiety/intrusive thoughts about one of my kids dying prematurely but I have to do my best and hope that never happens.
Yes this will happen. Make sure their funeral is paid for before they die. Make sure you have access and power of attorney before they die. That’s really it. Best of luck
I feel fortunate in having been raised by parents from the South. Anytime a relative died, they would mourn for a day, then move on. They always told us, everybody dies. It’s okay. It’s part of life.
It happens whether you worry or not. I lost my mom suddenly - a long time ago, we had plans for lunch in 3 days and she died the next. I found out at 2 AM when I was leaving someone's house the first week of my senior year in college. All that matters is the memories you make with them, and you can't do that if you're worrying about the future when they're not here.
For me it was a phase - I didn't think about it much until I was surprised by how many / few visits I had left (I live far from my parents). I had gone through my 20s thinking of them as always there to go back to and suddenly did the math on the fact they'd only be there 20 more times (or whatever it is). 20 visits is not a lot if you treat every one as just hanging out like you always have, but it is a lot if you treat every one as a unique and valuable milestone to be experienced and valued appropriately. Once you fully understand that and plan with it in mind, it's just reality. You will be OK when they're gone and it will be better that you've accepted that they will go at some point. So be real and start imagining a life without them.
Spend as much time with them as you can. Record them telling you stories. Ask them SO many questions and really get to know them as people, beyond just being your parents. Take tons of pictures of each of them and of you together. Get all of their recipes.
Have the harder conversations and learn what each of them has planned and wants for their funerals. I promise you’ll regret not talking about this once it’s too late. Learn each of their wishes *now* so you’re not grieving and making impulse decisions. Find out where to find their will(s).
Most of all, enjoy their company. The world is a much scarier place without it. 🤍
My dad passed about 2 years ago. The loss is profound and doesn't go away. Mortality is always "right there" in front of your face once they go. Part of the reason I find "Boomer" posts offensive and unproductive. The man didn't know everything, but did the best he could and taught me a lot.
Have this exact fear. After I made it to my 30s everything in my mind changed. I suddenly started to worry about my parents ageing and what will happen when they will be gone. On a bright side I started to spent a lot of time with them. I'm currently working with my dad (he is teaching me to take over his small business) and I really like it. I'm trying not to think about death and things like that, but o guess we can't run from it. Just make sure you spent quality time with your parents, help them as much as you can and in the end we will be all dead and turned into a stardust or some shit.
My dad died when I was 10, 38 now, and I can't wait until my mom is out of my life indefinitely either through non-communication or death. So...ya know... I'm just anxiously waiting.
And I'm an only child (have a half sister but we only talk 3 times a year) AND I don't talk to any other bio family so 🤷♂️.
Now me dying??? That's a whole ass depressing discussion.
Cherish what you have right now and put in the effort to make time for your parents. My dad passed away from a rare cancer and there isn’t a day where I don’t regret not making time for him. We both worked a lot and time just got away from us both. Don’t live with regrets in the future, make time now.
Don't worry, I'm on the other side of the coin.
When my parents die I will obliterate their legacy, I will tear it down & sell it for parts. Then I will invest it into my children's future.
I lost my Dad three years ago. He was 68. My husband, his three sisters and I were hanging out and I brought up how their Dads 70th birthday is coming up and we should do something. All four of them were stunned. None of them realized he was going to be 70. He’s such a healthy, busy man that you would honestly think he was in his 50s or something. They said that’s how they always see him in their heads.
Like it’s been said so many times on here, just make the most of the time you have with them. Death is inevitable, but all we can do is love and be loved.
My husband lost his mom in 2017 and I lost my dad in 2020. Both times sucked for sure and it is rough seeing your parents age. Unfortunately my MIL was very young and my dad wasn’t that old himself but made poor life choices. My husband is afraid of dying young and fears death while I just take it as it is since I have been exposed to many people dying growing up. My mother is disabled and she isn’t doing well and my father in law isn’t doing great (poor life choices) so I’m just waiting for their ball to drop.
I have been dealing with this, too. My parents are retired, my dad will be 70 next year. I know there's going to be a world without them in it, and boy, do I hate the idea of that.
My parents and the rest of my family don't take care of themselves, so I've come to terms with the fact they will probably leave suddenly and way sooner than they should.
Baring an accident, I will probably out live them all by decades, and I just have to deal with the fact myself and my kid won't have them around since they refuse to get healthy.
My older sister is only 34 and she probably won't make it to 40. My parents will probably be wheelchair bound soon. They have another 15 years to go before they hit 70, but I don't think they can make it until retirement.
I’ve always had a healthy fear of dying, mainly because of what I would miss my children accomplish.
Then I almost died, I also recovered from substance abuse, so I’ve seen death up close and more than most 42 year olds. I’ve easily seen and experienced deaths of over 100 people I considered an acquaintance or more.
It’s imperative that you never take a day or opportunity to see a loved one or tell you that you love them. It could be the last time you talk to them.
It’s still something we all contend with daily!
I had the very unfortunate realization that I’ve spent more time with my mom than I have left with her and it gutted me. No help here but I’m with you.
I lost my father when I was 7yo. He went in for surgery and due to medical negligence he passed. He was 38yo and super healthy. It was an elective surgery.
I dread every single day when the time comes for
My mum. I live on the other side of the world, 12000kms away from her and haven’t seen her since 2019 😭
Memento mori. Remember, you will die.
"You could leave life right now. Let that determine what you do and say and think." - Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 2.11
The mind is kind of funny in how we can stay fixed at a specific point in time, especially when thinking about something else. How can gas be so expensive? I remember when it was less than $1 per gallon. How does food cost so much? I remember when I could eat like a king at Taco Bell for $5.
I some times wonder if that is what happens when we think of our parents. How can they be old? I remember when... But time just passes. The days are long, but the years are short.
This is what I do to help me combat exactly what you describe.
1. I force myself to sit with the reality that my parents years on this earth are limited (so are yours for that matter). It is not comfortable to really sit with this fact, but don't run from it. Force yourself to really get familiar with it. This will help you realize what you really care about, and what you really don't.
2. About 6 years ago my grandfather died. Although I know he loved me and I loved him, I don't remember telling him but every once in a great while. I wish I had told him more. After his funeral I vowed to tell people I care about them, even if it is uncomfortable (plot twist, you get much more comfortable with it after the first few times). Now whenever I talk to either of my parents, I tell them I love them. That's why point 1 above matters--it makes you think about what matters to you. Then act on it.
3. I think intentionally about the life I'm living now. What do I really care about? Am I actually living it out? We can all get busy with work or forget how much time it has been since we've gone to see or even pick up the phone and call those we care about. Build a routine for regularly talking or spending time with your parents (and siblings, friends, etc.). Visit about anything and everything. What was it like when they were a kid? What is the best and worst part of retirement? What do they regret most about their life, and what have they found the most satisfaction in? What are they planning to do this summer or fall? What are their big plans over the next few years? When my parents do die (point 1 above) I'll be glad I spent time getting to know them better.
When my parents do die, it is going to suck. Just real talk--shit is going to be awful. However, I know I'll be grateful for all I'm doing now to spend time visiting and knowing them. As much as some emotions and experiences suck, I also know they're one of the hallmarks of what it means to be human, and they're unavoidable. Embrace the rose life is, thorns and all.
Well this post makes me feel like a dick.
I am not close with my mom at all. We haven't lived in the same state in 12 years, haven't even seen her in 2 years, and only talk to her on the phone about 4-5 times a year. We have had a Rocky relationship since the 2016 election when she started telling people that I got brainwashed in college and I was a disappointment as a son because I wouldn't vote for Trump.
That and the fact that my dad died when I was 3 years old means that I haven't worried about losing my parent(s) in quite some time.
I will say, after personal experience, be involved with their health and have a plan of action. Once the shit hits the fan the system will fight against you.
My dads health took a nosedive in the last 5 years of his life. He had diabetes for a long time, but things worsened when he had a heart attack, his kidneys failed and circulation shot. A year ago he had a leg amputated, could not return home because our house had stairs and narrow doors, could not go to nursing home because they do not administer dialysis, could not go to hospice because dialysis is lifesaving measure. My family was fortunate to get an ADA apartment, had to get a wheelchair van, bed, power lift. He had a good quality of life for a while but didn't make it to Christmas.
For some death can be swift and sudden, but when it's long and drawn out it can be taxiing. Have an end of life plan, have funds ready and in your/sibling name, medical directives, financial information ready. Know what kind of home health the insurance covers. Have this conversation before it's too late.
I've lost both my parents. I was never close with my dad but my mom's death about killed me...the only advice I can give on this is always spend as much time with them as possible. Same for siblings.
My dad died suddenly when I was 29. Twelve years have passed and I miss him every single day. My biggest comfort is knowing that our last words to each other were “I love you” because that’s how we always ended our phone calls and the last touch we had was a long hug. The most you can do is make sure the people you love know you love them by both your words and your actions.
My mom told me she put herself on a wait-list for an assisted living place. And it's like, you just bought your condo. I can't imagine her being in a nursing home when she's healthy and independent. I know it's kind of like an apartment, but it gives me bad vibes. My husband and I have both agreed that we'd rather die in our own homes than ever go into assisted living.
I had the opposite. I guess I thought my dad would live to a very old age, but I didn't take into account his smoking. Unfortunately his smoking addiction caused him his life at the age of 62. It was gut wrenching to see his decline and even worse to lose him. It's been 3 years and it's still kinda tough not having him around. Grief does get better over time but you still have that piece of your life that's missing. You still miss them of course, but if you're independent, you'll be fine in the long run.
Don't think about it, just enjoy your time with them.
Lost my dad last year -- he was 62. I wish we had spent more time together. He was supposed to be retiring soon and I was looking forward to my kids spending lots of time with him. They would have brought him such joy, they're so fun right now.
It's still so hard. Thinking of everyone that's gone through this -- sending love to you. And for everyone that hasn't yet -- make time for your parents. My dad and I made the mistake thinking we would have more time, and we didn't.
Damn, I wish I had this same feeling. You had good parents and a good life it sounds like. Tell them you love them often, try to live without regrets and don't let the last things you say to them be made in anger. Try to resolve things when they happen, if you can.
Both of my parents kind of abandoned me because they had terrible chemistry with one another and then that ended up becoming their chemistry with me when I became an adult. My dad got married to some woman who made him become a total asshole and he stopped getting together during holidays and then stopped letting me come home. And just started blaming me for all kinds of shit.
So I'm not totally sure how to process all of it. I mostly just go through life with kind of a broken heart I think.
Does anyone have any advice?
I think about this ALL the time. My parents are on the older end (68&74) and I don’t live in the same state as them. I’m planning to move closer, but I worry something will happen before I can. I’m thankful they are both in good health, but anything can happen at any moment and it kills me inside to think I’d be so far away if something did.
You have no reason to fear what you know is coming. Learn all you can from them and about them and take advantage of every day with them because you know the next moment may not exist. You will make them happy and you will be happy.
My mom died a few years ago. It’s unimaginable, yes. But your options are to exist beyond them…or to die when they do. Literally that’s it. You find a way.
Yea, I get that. I worry about the day my in-laws pass away. My husband and I are very close with them and aside from his grandmother, he has never lost anyone else close to him. They were born in '56 & '53, and to think I met them in 2003 when they were 47 & 50...time flies....
All you can do is just spend as much time with them as you can and enjoy it.
My dad died when I was 13 and my mother is toxic so...barely a relationship there. I've already mourned the loss of my mother bc she never was one.
Wellllllll I mean, you can now get your stemcells suspended for $100/$150 a year. If they make it through the next few years you might get that wish. MIGHT get.
They can do it in rats! One step closer to escape velocity..
My big brother was murdered in 2016. Legit blew my world apart. I never thought about him dying, let alone long before my parents. Now, I have an almost unhealthy fear of my parents dying. Especially my dad.
It’s the way of life. Some people die of natural causes in their 40s and 50s, some live until they’re 70 or 80. Very few live into their 90s or 100s.
But we all get through it and you will too. ❤️
I'm not so sure there are many millennials who believe they will be able to retire.
I'm far from being in a bad spot and I'm almost a Xennial and if you asked me if I would be able to retire in 20-30 years you would hear a laugh in response. So either I'm pessimistic because I'm very incorrect about where things are going or some people are very delusional about how much wealth they will be able to build within the next 30 years.
Call me horrible but I just hope they live long enough to enjoy the good years they have left and die soon enough that my sister and I still have an inheritance. Honestly the only thing about their deaths that would make me sad is just that they're family. I'd be more sad that I was never good enough for them.
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Lost my brother very unexpectedly 3 years ago, and for about a year after that, I couldn’t sleep. Mostly because I was afraid that when I was asleep, someone else in my family(have 2 other siblings and both parents) would pass and I wouldn’t be there. It took awhile but I finally realized that I just had to deal with the fact that they will leave me at some point. That my life with them up till that point had been a good one. That my parents knew I loved them and the same with my siblings.
Ugh bro I'm sorry
I'm so sorry. I went through something similar after my dad died. I didn't want to let anyone get close to me because I feared they would die and I wouldn't be able to handle it.
I lost my dad a year and a half ago and my brother passed four months ago. The fear I experience when my phone rings is absolutely unbearable.
Holy crap. This mirrors my own experience so much. I lost my brother suddenly in 2019. Absolutely gained the fear that I would wake up to one of my parents also being dead and I wasn't there. I'd wake up and check to make sure they were both up and breathing. It's a horrible feeling, but it's somehow nice to know I'm not alone in this experience. Kind of like how hearing other people also experience guilt after loss. Like, oh, this is a common part of experiencing loss/grief. I can get through this.
My brother died in 2017. I told my adopted mom that if she calls me 3x in a row again- I will assume someone else is dead . My bio dad has had some health scares and when he dies- I’ll have 2 dead bio parents. I’m not emotionally prepared for when my mom or dad or my oldest sister goes. I only got a week off of work when my brother died and I’d feel like I’d need longer than that for my mom or my dad or my oldest sister
Best advice I can give is to cherish the moments you have with them now and continue to build those memories.
This. When my dad passed, I can unequivocally say that I spent every moment that I could have with him (obviously within reason, it wasn't weird lol). His own mother couldn't say that. She hadn't seen him in years.
Always make memories now. You should never wait for them to happen.
I have absolutely been having the same feeling in recent months. And on top of that, them starting to go wrinkly and grey seems to be hitting at the exact same time as my own body showing it's no longer invincible and having random weird health things and it's just been this massive wall of "holy shit time has flown by and will continue to fly by no matter what." I'm not prepared for any of it.
This! I can’t believe I’m nearing the end of my 30s and I forgot to have kids or get married, I was having so much fun until now. I’ve had a major surgery and almost died last year. My grandmother once told me to cherish the moment because time speeds up, you’ll blink and realize so much time has passed. This haunted me then, horrifies me more now.
yea... I feel this deep. freaks me out and I honestly don't really know how to deal with it.
I'm 68, my father is 90, mom died 7 years ago. I share your feelings. You can't do much about their aging, but you can make an effort to stay in touch while they are alive. I also fear losing dad, so I make an effort to stay in contact. I live in another country, so I visit once or twice a year, but we FaceTime frequently. My sister, 65, lives near him. I lived.near my parents before we moved away, and spent many hours with my mom in her last few years as she died. Visiting, going to the doctor, etc. it was hard but I have no regret. My millennial step kids have expressed the same fear of losing their mom, but only one makes an effort to visit us here. We travel to visit them both about once a year, and one of them may visit here once or twice a year. We use Whatsapp audio and video chats to stay in touch several times a week, sharing news, mundane or exciting. The key is making an effort to share time with them, however possible. There is no do-over with keeping in contact with a parent. Once they are gone, they are gone. I totally regret not visiting my grandparents when I had the chance. Suddenly they were gone. I made lot's of excuses for not visiting, they all sound selfish and lame now. SMH Don't procrastinate with older relatives. Visit, chat, email, call, write letters, use whatever means are feasible technically for your elders. I hear that many boomer parents and millennial children have gone no contact in adult hood. Many have very good reasons, others may regret their decisions. Life is short, something I didn't fully realize until I was iny 50s. Every moment is precious, be mindful of what you spend your time doing.
Me. In the last 4 months, 3 friends have had parents pass. They’ve all been younger than my parents. The thought of loosing my parents is unfathomable
I'm partially on the other side of it. I lost my dad last year to a long battle with cancer. To me, it's the circle of life. We're supposed to outlive our parents, not the other way around. It's all about perspective. Mine was shaped by having had two friends lose children (one to SIDS and another to a late term miscarriage). I would never compare losing a parent who lived a full life (Dad was 73 when he died, Mom is still with us at 74) to what they went through. I'm far more afraid of losing one of my children (no bio kids but have been a guardian to an ex's younger sister, so count her and future kids) than I am my other parent.
This is how I am too. I am/was actually okay when my mom died. She lived a good life, was in her 70s, and ill. She will be missed by many, but we are okay. Her time was complete. The whole time, though, I was concerned about her mother, who is very much alive and fairly well. And I agree having friends lose kids is far harder than it was for me to lose my mom. (With that said, I hope our dad lives a long time longer. He probably will.)
It's a huge difference if someone dies at 65-70y or 85-90y. I don't know how old your mom was exactly, but for context: I will always remember my grandparents who lived until I was in my twenties, while my kids would never remember my mom who was 70 when she died. I don't see her life as complete, bc she died so much earlier then average and it wasn't a natural death, but a disease.
My mom died this year, she would've been 61 in October. Fuck cancer.... Her life definitely wasn't complete to me, both grandma's are still alive at 90 and 85. My daughter will remember her vaguely I think because she's 8 but my son never got the chance to meet her and that absolutely kills me. I got 18 years with 4 grandparents, I couldn't imagine how much different I would be without that.
I'm single and childless. The hardest part of losing my dad wasn't his actual death but the fact that, despite being given extra time to do so, I didn't give him grandkids. And believe me, it's not because I didn't want to and didn't try to.
That’s okay. Everyone is different. My mom was 70 when she died and had cancer. All of my grandparents lived or are living into their 90s. I’m in my 40s and both of my mom’s parents are still living. We have the youngest of mom’s grandchildren and they are teens.
I think having kids who are teens already makes your situation different. They will have memories of her and you had your mom around to help you with everything.
Our kids will remember her, and that is special. My kids know she loved them. I think the other thing that helped us was that she was sick, especially at the end. We didn’t want her to stay in that condition for long. (As good of a mother as she was for us, she didn’t directly help me with much, so-to-speak, once I hit adulthood. She was however generally supportive from a distance, and it’s good to have people in your corner. I have other women in my life as closer and more practical supports or mentors for me.) Regardless of it all, I’m very sorry for your loss. Grief is hard any way you slice it. I hope your kids learn and love so much about her.
Gen X here. This too will pass. It sucks really hard. Lost my dad just before the lockdown in late 2019, he went quick. We had a long and difficult relationship. But he tried hard for all his faults. I know he loved me and that will always be enough. I am helping a friend who is a millennial face the death of his father and all that means. We deployed together and he never dealt with all the trauma his father gave him and his brother. When his dad died he just went numb and then did some really self-destructive stuff. Long term he is getting better, but he still won't face the bad stuff he tries to repress it which I keep telling him will end badly. What you need to deal with is your parents are a major part of you and their passing will have an effect. Enjoy the time with them and celebrate their life, not the death. Also use the experience to pass on the best things you can to the next generation and try to cut out the negatives as much as you can.
I'm sorry for your loss. I almost lost mine before I had the chance for us to fix things.
It's interesting that in many cases where someone loses an abusive parent, they spiral. Not sure why. It's a psychological thing that I think should be looked into. I'm not sure what I will feel when my neglectful mother passes and my abusive ex stepfather as well..I think I won't feel anything but I can't spiral because I have a disabled son that depends on me
Every time I call and they don’t answer I think how it’ll eventually always be like that 💔
It's really hard at times. It's still fresh because mine died 2 months ago, I find myself calling to check on her or just to talk quite often. Like I just forget it really happened and when no one answers it hits me like a ton of bricks. Dad kept her phone active and occasionally goes through it to see old videos and stuff. Seeing her active on messenger when he does that is an absolute gut punch. I feel like maybe I haven't accepted it yet or I'm trying to convince myself it's fake though I know she's gone. I'd give anything to hear her voice again
I’m so sorry for your loss. The human condition is cruel, but it’s the price we pay for entry to this collective hallucination we call life. It sounds like you love your mother very much, and I’m sure she adored you. Maybe you could talk to Dad about downloading all the photos and videos he wants to keep, and then closing her accounts. It sounds like that would help your grieving process.
Lost my dad in April. We weren’t even close, and it was a kick in the fucking teeth
This is the real fear for me. I'm not close to my parents even though they live 30 minutes away. My fear is that their deaths will be harder on me than I think they will be. My dad and his father didn't speak for 20 years (my paternal grandparents live/d less than 10 minutes from my parents). They finally got back on speaking terms and my grandfather passed a couple of years later. They lost so much time because they were stupid and stubborn. I still speak to my dad, but not often and I don't really enjoy our conversations.
Is there anything that you want your dad to know before he dies? Anything special that he taught you? Any memory that you two share together? May not be a bad idea to write it out, and tell him. I’m just suggesting writing it out so you don’t forget anything important. But yeah, my parents and I are not close, but my dad’s death hit me like a freaking freight train. ETA: is there any information you want from your dad like how he acquired a piece of furniture what it was like the day you were born? What is his favorite piece of clothing? What cologne does he wear? These are all questions to consider asking.
Nothing I'd like to know other than why weren't my sisters and I good enough when we were kids.
That’s so weird that you say subconsciously they’re in their 30s and 40s for you. I do the exact same thing. I told my parents when I think of them they’re forever 40. They got a kick out of it. But what a strange thing for our minds to do. I wonder why that is?
My dad died when I was 19 and my mom died just days before my 25th birthday (they were 40 and 45 respectively). It was devastating. Cherish every accomplishment and milestone your parents DO make it to, and be grateful that they’ve made it to some of the most important ones (births, weddings, graduations).
Aw I'm so sorry, I can't imagine how difficult that must have been. I hope you have been doing well in life and feel loved.
Relish is the fact you still have them now. Some people have never had that or had that taken away drastically earlier
I lost both of mine in the last few years. It’s awful.
I won’t miss them, they were terrible parents and have done nothing but make my life harder. I’m sure this sounds callous but don’t judge and instead count your blessings. Not everyone has the wholesome and uplifting family unit, I actually envy you guys.
Agree with your sentiment. My mother is a leech. She’s in terrible health and won’t take care of herself and blames me for it. I somehow feel like she’s a cockroach and will live forever just to spite me. She’s not a bad person per se; but didn’t do much to raise me and feels entitled to being cared for and supported by me none the less. I wish it was different.
Same boat. My dad died years and years ago and I hadn't seen him for years before. My mom, even though I lived with her and took care of her, was absolutely awful. She was physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive and it angers me when people tell me I didn't mourn properly, or I'm not respecting her memory. Well, let's go over my "memories" of her the last few years of her life and discuss exactly what I'm not respecting, when she never respected ME. The one big thing I learned is you can be both sad and happy someone is gone. We all mourn differently, and it's okay. I have never felt more human and alive since my mother passed.
Good for you, and I hope it continues because you deserve it! I am so sorry you had to go through this. I’m just an internet stranger but can feel your pain in this composition. Thanks for sharing.
i lost my dad when i 16 so i’ve been living in constant fear of this since then. he never got to see any of my accomplishments. he never got to see me grow up. he never got to give my sister away at her wedding and there’s grandchildren he’s never met. my mom is the only person i have left. but she’ll be 67 this year. she and my uncle both outlived their parents and act like they have one foot in the grave. my anxiety about something happening to my mom is so severe my mind jumps to the worst when she doesn’t answer my calls or texts. she’s retired, i live with her and there’s sometimes where i do leave before she wakes. it’s gotten so bad i’ve almost sent my brothers to check on her. god i hope it’s normal lol
They can go at any time. I lost my mum when I was 20. She was 49. Cancers a bitch. Just spend time with them when you can, and regularly tell them you love them. If you have kids, send them off for visits with and without you for bonding time, and for spoiling of course lol. My kids never got the chance, so I talk about her regularly to have a sense of who she was. I miss that I never got the opportunity for us to have that close mother-daughter friendship as adults.
I said this in therapy and she was like "well that's just a fact of life, your parents will die" and then changed the subject. 🤣🤣 i was like ok that doesn't help. I've had such bad therapists that i just stopped even trying.
My therapist has been helpful for having me reframe my anxieties as things I’m grateful for. Like, I’m anxious about my parents dying but that’s because I’m so so so lucky that they are loving people and I’ve gotten to become an adult with their guidance and support in my life.
How did you find a good therapist?
I was looking for a specific kind of therapist who aligned with a few needs that I had, and I was willing to try out a few before making a decision.
so terrible. what a dumb response from a therapist.
I’ve had horrible experiences with therapists too. I’ve found life coaches to be much more helpful.
Can’t stop the ole ticking of time. Feel blessed to still have time with them, cause a lot of people don’t even if they are alive. Life is short but precious and try to be grateful, not stressed by which you cannot control.
Lost my mom one year ago. It’s very hard. Cherish every moment and be realistic that all our time is finite.
Same here. I already know I will have to take a leave from work. Just thinking about it makes me a mess.
My mom died of breast cancer at 60 in 2018 and my dad had a major stroke at 60 in 2014 that left him permanently disabled. He’s almost 70 now and his cognitive ability has been very much in decline for the last five years or so. I was in my late 20s/early 30s when this all happened. I’ll tell you one thing: my life looks very different from my peers’ because I don’t have parents like they do. I can’t ask my parents for advice or help. I can’t go do fun things with them or even celebrate with them. The hardest part for me has been dealing with my losses at a younger age than most; sometimes the jealousy I have when I see a person my age enjoying a nice dinner out or a walk with their parents is just overwhelming. Unfortunately, death will come for all of us, even you and me. All we can do it make the most of the time we have.
Yes I hate it, when they’re gone there does my safety net. It’s terrifying
Gotta just spend the time. Don’t ever not pick up the phone always make effort to see them etc. I lost my mother unexpectedly in April. She was only 59. We had a pretty arms length relationship. She had a lot of mental illness issues she was not addressing properly. I kinda stayed away to keep out of the drama. Now I’m just full of regret. I have all these voicemails she left me where I ignored the call. She loved me, I know this but I could have made more effort as a son. Don’t be like me.
I am elder millennial- my dad died when I was 11. It sucks and I won’t say it doesn’t. However, I try to look at the positives: I had a more fulfilling relationship with him in the 11 years I had him than many people have with a parent in a lifetime. He was such a fantastic father, and I have amazing memories. The only thing that can be hard is that because I was so young when he died, there are precious few people in my life that have any memories of him. My mom is in her 70s and in great health. We are very close and I know it will be hard when she goes, but she has touched so many people’s lives that I know I will have lots of other people to share memories with.
I lost both my parents in my twenties. My mother passed when I was 21 while my father passed when I was 28. It absolutely devastated me. All I can say is life can change in an instant so spend as much time as you can with the people you care about while they’re still here.
My mom passed last August. She was 53. Metastatic breast cancer. Fought it for four years. From the time we found out it was terminal, it was literally two weeks. I was 32 at the time. Pray that they go of age. My grandmother passed two weeks prior from cancer but she lived a long life. My mom’s was cut short and that’s what hurts the most about it, all the time we had left together, gone. Just like that. You can’t really prepare for it. You can fear it. Fear is healthy. Just make sure they know how much you care while you still can. I told my mom everyday I loved her but it still feels not enough sometimes.
I'm 31 and lost my dad last year. They will die. It will be extremely difficult. Cherish them while they are here.
My (53) daughter has the same feelings. I can't bring up my inevitable death without her crying. Some things I have done to make it easier on them is to joke about stuff they can do with my cremains. We have a rock driveway and I told them to put some on the driveway so they'll be reminded of me whenever they track it in the house. Whenever they drive anywhere they'll be taking me with them. etc. I read about someone else that made stickers of their family member and they stuck the stickers around whenever they traveled so their loved one would be with them and see the sites too. It's a very real thing, and it is worse if you've never had someone close to you die. Talk to them and try to plan out what will happen. Just like anything else, planning and preparing makes it a little less scary. It helps if you can throw some humor in it, but not everyone is ready to giggle about death. (My husband thinks I'm absolutely morbid) Realizing your parents aren't immortal is the beginning of you realizing that you're not immortal. It's natural to be scared of both things. If you're religious then talk to a councilor from your church, they will have a great deal of information for you. Afterall that's one of the main reasons churches are there, to help you and yours pass into the afterlife. If you're not religious then a regular councilor can help as well. Good luck, plan out what you'd do if it were to happen and it will be less scary when it does (and hopefully it won't for a very long time.)
I used to have this fear but in the form of a parent being scared of death because I have no idea if we just die and become nothing or if some part of me may still be around to help my kids in some way if they needed comfort or help. One day I realized they were going to be ok. I saw them handling tough things and moving forward in their lives as young adults. One was my son at 26 getting his first teaching job and seeing how much he loves being a teacher, and that the kids he teaches really love having him as a teacher. The other was seeing my daughter at 21 who experienced a great trauma to start to take her life back and have the light back in her eyes that I thought might have been entirely snuffed out. I can see them as adults who can make it in the world without me now. Now when I have an intrusive thought about death I feel peace and I think well, I guess I'll just go back to wherever I was before I was born, and I know my kids are going to be ok without me, if I can witness their accomplishments after death I will be ecstatic, but if I can't rest assured they know I'm proud of them and I have faith those accomplishments will come and whether I see them with my own eyes they can rest assured I'm already proud. I think the main thing is tell them ( your parents ) your fears so they can reassure you they are already proud of you, and they are at peace knowing wherever they go after death they know you are on your way to those accomplishments, whether they ever know what they exactly ****are****. In The Sixth Sense there is a moment at the end of the movie where a character gets reassurance from beyond that their parent -even though they are passed, is proud of her every day. I think if you can talk to your parents now and know they already feel that way, and will no matter where they end up it will help ease your fear of death and you can move on from that fear and have peace in that respect . Hope that this helps. Xx
It's called anticipatory grief. I'm only 26 but my parents had me at 42 so I've felt this a lot in the past like 10 years. Growing up in a Christian home I've always had a fear of death and remember crying when I was little cause I was scared of dying. Both of my parents lost their dads when they were in their teens, so I'm grateful they're still around but I cry on my drive home almost every time after I see them because I think of when they are eventually gone. I hate that my oldest sibling had an extra 16 years with them and when he was my age, they were in their early 50s but they're almost 70 now
I have a hard time watching them get older too, especially my mom. But no, I don’t fear not having them.
Yes. Im terrified!
Yeah. My mother died when I was in high school and my father is not doing the best health wise now. I will not be doing okay when he does pass, to say the least. I try not to think of it negatively, just build memories I know I'll want to reflect on to remember him by, instead of tainting it ahead of time.
Cue "stop this train" from John Mayer
Lost my dad 13 years ago today. It’s not easy. Being 24 and saying goodbye to a parent sucks. Regrets linger, things are left unsaid, and life is less cheerful.
Pops passed away almost 9 years ago. My advice is to give them your time because you can’t buy that or get it back. If you don’t live close you should video chat. Set up dates and keep them.
Anyone awake in the head thinks of everything coming. I don’t look forward to it at all. So many aunts uncles parents, it’s gonna be years of hits to the heart, guess why life is so precious and important to get those mingles in while you can. We do parents house, once a weekend for dinner, just take it all in tell the brain, save these files damn you. Save them good.
I had a really weird, strained, distant relationship with my dad due to his random bouts of anger - he would ruin special days on a whim (I think it gave him some sick satisfaction of a having a sense of power) - like when my mum had slaved the entire day over Christmas dinner and my dad chose to lose his temper over my brother about something as trivial as being due for a haircut and yell the entire evening, even following my brother to his room after dinner to continue to yell at him about getting a haircut. It was Covid btw so completely understandable at my brother not cutting his hair for almost a year. He was hardly nice to us - once when I was a lot younger, I asked him why he had us and he said ‘that’s just what people are supposed to do’. I was always apprehensive whenever he was nice to us on the rare occasion cos it was always to borrow money which he would never repay. What’s worse is that he would borrow money to do stupid things like donate to charity when he himself was broke - even bullying my mum who was a housewife to give him what little savings she’d scraped together. For the reasons above (being yelled at randomly or being asked for money), I was always wary and tried to keep as much distance as possible. I’m still processing his sudden death, and I’m more angry and sad that he wasn’t financially responsible to my mum and didn’t take care of her (my mum had to ask us to help with her dentist visits and other important expenses) while my dad went giving away money to charity to make himself look successful and generous.
My father died 12 years ago and it was the hardest thing I ever went through in life,some positives did come out of it when I was done grieving though I became a little more outgoing and some of my anxiety went away because I was scared of not living a full life,and I started to appreciate my mother a little more we go on a trip once a year and create memories I’ll be very sad when she passes but that’s life unfortunately.
> I want them to be there for all of my life's accomplishments Nah. It's not about me, it's about them. I just want them to be happy for as long as possible and I want to spend time with them. Simple as that.
Oh yeah it’s a real fear. One of those ones that you can’t get out of your head as you’re laying in bed at night. You think of how it will feel when it happens. Welp I didn’t handle it how I thought I would when I woke up to 26 missed calls. I was in the kitchen as I called my brother back. He answered and I asked…is it Dad? Yes? Mike…is he gone. Yes. Where’s mom? She’s at home. I just buckled. No amount of worrying or thinking about it prepares you for Mom without Dad. Fuck nothing prepares you for the loss of a parent. But I can tell you now nine months later it gets a bit better. I think of him often and I try to do things ALOT with my mother. I think Dad would want me to. She’s a riot too. Just a sad one.
Oh god yes. And I almost want to pass before my dad does because he's essentially the only person in my life and I don't know what I'm going to do without him..
Make the most of the time you have with them. Live a life that will make them know you’ll be ok when they do pass away.
I'm Gen X and although I've been preparing for my parents deaths for decades now (they're 94 and 89), I still can't imagine a world where they're not in it. It's going to be brutal and it's going to happen soon..........
You’ve touched on something that’s been heavy on my mind for a while. I lost my dad to cancer five years ago. Grandparents all died when I was very young, so it’s just my mom left. What happens when she goes? I won’t have anyone to ask questions about the family stories and history, I won’t have anyone to look to for advice or anyone who has been there to validate yes/no that did(not) happen that way. It’s a burden I’m not ready to carry for the family. I love my mom, but there’s something beyond the pain of losing her that plagues me, it’s losing my last connection with the past.
I too have this fear of losing my parents. It was only recently I noticed this when my dad began to have health issues. gives me depression and anxiety to think.
I have this fear also. I try to not let my mind run wild with it whenever it creeps in. I make extra efforts to FaceTime them and visit them fora week or two every few months so we can live in the moment together.
This was my biggest fear throughout childhood, and it came true. My father passed away when I was 20, and my mother died last year when I was 34. We were never really close with my extended family, so I really only have my brother and niece left. The first 6 months were the worst months of my life, dealing with funeral arrangements, settling the estate, adjusting to being the oldest generation in my family, but now I'm honestly the happiest and most content I've ever been. Basically, what I'm trying to say is despite my biggest fear coming true, there is happiness on the other side. I graduated from nursing school last month and passed my boards, and of course it was difficult not to have my parents there, but my boyfriends entire family and my friend group celebrated with me. Cherish the time and build memories with your parents, but also build your village too. Since my parents deaths, I have realized how fortunate I am to have the village that I have.
My male parent has been gone for about 8 years now. I didn’t have an actual relationship with him. I have siblings from him but we don’t have a relationship at all and I have no connections or dealings with them. So it didn’t truly make any changes for me in my life experiences. My female parent is still alive then on top of that we aren’t that close, and strained. I didn’t come from a good family where I was concerned about their future deaths because they were pretty much already dead to me, unfortunately. I’ve accepted death is a part of life and we all will be a part of that cycle. Death can happen at any age as well not only at old age.
Lost my mother to COVID in 2021, and my dad passed in Nov of 2022 while on in-home hospice. They divorced while I was in high school. I had expected my dad to pass by now, he had his first heart attack when I was 10 (now 31)… my mom however, it still doesn’t feel right and while I’ve accepted it, now that they’re both gone it especially bothers me. I had been dating a girl for the past 3 years nearly, she left me in February and since then I’ve missed my mother more than I could ever imagine.
I lost both of parents in a 9 month time span in 2020/2021, both at the age of 62. My Dad died expectedly/unexpectedly. He had cancer, but one of the cancer cells was completely dead, and the other was much smaller and shrinking so the next round of radiation would have killed it. He got a cold and passed away. The following day, my mom fell and broke her hip and eventually became paralyzed. Thankfully she was able to make it to my wedding and I was able to do the mother daughter dance before she passed away 2 weeks later. They are both missing my son's birth and everything that goes along with it while both of my in-laws live with us and expierence it every second of the day. I don't say that to scare you, but you are aware that it can happen. Be aware of this and try to plan for it. I have videos I made of us just talking and I can always look back on them now and always hear their voice, and see their mannerisms and expressions when I miss them. Make sure that they continue to exercise as they get older, going in walks is a literal life saver for some people. Make sure they have a good social structure in life and after they retire they have a routine set up as that helps to keep you sane. Most of all, love them while they're here and try capturing those memories. It's going to happen one day, but not today. https://preview.redd.it/67wgbj1z4s9d1.jpeg?width=1440&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=ded0cad6e44549b78660d9af1ebe9f8d8def5e9f
I feel the same. I cannot imagine my life without my parents. 😢
Tell them you love them. Hug them. Take pictures. Save little notes they write. Notice the little things. I lost my mother out of the blue and then watched my father waste away from cancer. I have no siblings. I am alone. But I hold onto the little things. My mother's shirt still smells like her. I keep it in a ziploc. My father's notes are proof his warm hand once moved across that page. Just hold onto all the little things while you can. You can't change the future but you can give yourself tools to make it easier....
I feel this to my core. I just started therapy two weeks ago so I’m hoping to bring this up because I knowwww it’s crazy thinking but at the same time I need to work thru it. Not happy you feel this way but glad to know I’m not alone in this fear.
My dad died suddenly couple years ago at age 57. I thought I’d have plenty of time with him and then he was gone all of a sudden. Broke my heart. This last Father’s Day was really tough on me. I tried to take the boat out and fish and make a good day of it anyways, smiled back at my woman most of the day, but inside I was just sobbing like a little kid. I’m getting all choked up just thinking about it again. My best advice is cherish the time you have now, because it can be gone in instant.
Die boomer, die!!! But seriously, I'm watching my boomer parents age, and it's distressing. They were so vibrant, but now, yeah, they're still there but also less than what they were. Where's my dad, who was a fit, energetic man with a 6 pack? I see an old man limping around now sitting in a recliner all day with a dog. My mother, forgeting stupid shit all the time, who used to keep my schedule straight in school. Was that really 20 years ago? Guess it's still better than the alternative.
Dude I gotta vent rn. My mum has been in remission for about 15 years now, I was 9 when she was diagnosed and hospitalized. I used to have panic attacks every night for many, many years of losing her (still happens, but not every day). I lost my brother when I was 13 and that broke me. Today I’m nearly 30 and 25w pregnant, about to be a mum myself. Today I learned one of my coworkers moms passed away. Today another coworker broke down from bad news on the phone that her mother’s cancer took the turn for the worst and is being sent home to die peacefully. I cried a lot for seeing those I care about in pain. Today wasn’t a good day. One of those days I count my blessings that my mum is in decent health and my baby so far is healthy and I’m healthy.
My Dad is 70 and I am dreading the day he leaves us. I hope he can live another good 20 or so years (like William Shatner). My first daughter will be born this September and I dont want my daughter to miss out on knowing her grandad. My Mum is in her low 60s so not as concerned about her yet but that time will come too.
Last summer I was working toward a promotion, subtly aware of the fact my then boyfriend would propose to me soon, and had this pervasive thought that although I know good things are around the corner, I hadn’t experienced big trauma in a long time, lolll. Like, life has been really relaxed lately. Welll! My fiance proposed to me. A week later, I got the promotion I was working toward (on Friday). The next day, my fiance and I left for our annual beach vacation with my family, before we arrived, my mom unexpectedly died of a heart attack at the beach house… Everything I had manifested came to fruition. I know my mother’s death wasn’t my fault, but I felt it coming. It was by far the most devastating and awful thing to happen and at such a hard time. We loved out of state from each other so we were so excited to celebrate our engagement together. The worst part of losing a parent is losing your parent. The reality: somehow you live through it. You just keep living. Yes, it’s horrible to not be able to call my mom, can’t hear her laugh, can’t look forward to our next hug, and plan my wedding without her. It fucking sucks. But after 10 months, I know I will continue. I am so grateful for the quality mom I had. Someone who loved me without condition, never judged me, always supported me, was always proud of me. I might have lost her (64) at 28 years old, but she gave me everything I ever needed. It’ll last me a lifetime. Sending you love and, your fear is valid. The key is: it is more important that you live through losing your parents than they live through losing you. I’m glad my mom will never know the pain of losing her kids. This is how it should be.
everyone dies.
My parents lost their parents when they were 60+ years old themselves (their parents were 80-90). I lost my parents when I was in my twenties/thirties. It's not the same.
It is not the same, but it still happens.
but not everyone lives , right?
I suppose so Braveheart.
I've lost all but one of my grandparents over the last 4 years. Each time I got a phone call late at night. I work nights for reference. Pop got a new phone recently and has become captain pocket dial. Thankfully it's just background noise of him with the dogs. I can't help but sink each time I get a random 10 PM ring.
I've been afraid of this since I was little. I'm more afraid of losing younger people in my life like my siblings than my parents, though.
Nope. Dying is a part of life. I'm lucky I still have both my parents. I know several people who lost one or both of their parents before they were 25.
I lost my dad 10 years ago and now take care of my mom after her stroke. It's not easy, but unfortunately, we're getting to the age where life may happen. Just be sure to appreciate the moments you have now.
My father unexpectedly died over a decade ago now when I was in my early 20s. I don’t think you’ll ever be prepared for this emotionally, but you can plan practically and financially to make things easier when it does happen.
YEP! My parents are in their mid-late 70s, and both have been near-death before. The idea of not having my mother here is one I avoid. I know it will happen, but just like I know I will lose my dog one day, I am hoping neither happen soon.
My parents are 62. They had me at 19 years old so they’re pretty “young”. It’s weird to think about how my friends parents are in their 70s now. They were my age when I met them. Time is a mfer
I lost my mom when I was 25. She was the one present parent in my life, and I didn't think I could go on without her. She was an amazing person. It was 11 years ago now, and I miss her now as much as I did then, if not more.
There is nothing alive that will not some day die. I’m truly sorry over this, and am dealing with the loss of a parent in my own life, but sadly no one makes it out alive.
The circle of life that will never prepare one enough. Same here.
Death is as much a part of life as life is unfortunately.
I lost both of my remaining grandparents within 30 days of the new year. It’s still devastating. It felt like my Nana was going to live forever. I’m terrified of my parents passing.
This was always my fear as an only child. Then I lost my Dad to cancer a few years ago so now I really fear the day my Mom won't be here anymore and I'll be totally on my own. It's like without realizing it, I've always had this kind of safety net of having my parents available to ask for advice or for help and I knew they'd always be there for me. Realizing that safety net won't be here forever is really scary even though it's something we all have to deal with eventually.
It’s a crazy feeling. My dad went to the ER with a kidney stone a little over a year and it was there they discovered the severe stage that his lungs are in. Didn’t expect it. He won’t be around much longer. He only has 30% lung function and the only thing that can save him is a double lung transplant but that is no where near for sure. He won’t do it and I respect it. My mothers health isn’t the best and I have no clue about it. I have no idea what will happen with her down the road. You just have to talk to them and spend time. My dad is my best friend and it kills me. Cherish the moments my friend.
Yeah it’s one of my biggest fears tbh
I wish I felt like this about my parents, neither of my parents should have raised children and I don’t think I’ll be much bothered when they’re gone.
Yeah, I'm already prepped with that notion when it comes to my father (he's currently 74 going on 75 come this August) it will be gut wrenching for me when the time comes considering he has been the only one out of my parents who has been in my life.
I had this feeling, and then I had to deal with it when my mom passed about a year and a half ago. It’s really tough to come to terms that someone will no longer be with you. Unfortunately during the whole thing my dad made some strange decisions and ended up alienating me and my family, so it kind of ended up being a double loss. We ended up moving about 1200 miles away, and the distance has actually made the whole thing a lot easier.
Lost my parents, 9 weeks apart, in 2023. Mom was 96.5 and Dad was 98. It is a terrible loss. I know they lived long lives, but i still miss them terribly. The last few years, i was nervous every minute, afraid one of them would die…
I thought the same thing about my parents. My mom passed in 2016 and my dad in 2021. Spend as much time as you can with them. Always make time for family.
Well, you could try to talk them into cryonics (https://waitbutwhy.com/2016/03/cryonics.html). You probably won't succeed (most people have a mental block that prevents thinking in any serious/rational way about death), but at least you'll know you tried.
I stopped being afraid of everyone eventual death when I was 7 and had already experienced my dad dying, acceptance is easier and less draining than fear.
My dad died when I was 20. It’s pretty disorienting. It’s like, idk. Even though we didn’t have the best relationship, it was like this overarching force in my life just disappeared. It’s like going from having to learn how to bike with training wheels on to having to learn to ride a motorcycle. Suddenly that figure you go to for advice is gone and will never be back. Eventually you come to terms with it. That was over 10 years ago now, you start to learn and accept that death is just a part of life. We ALL have to go through it, even our parents. Don’t be scared. Easier said than done of course. Just enjoy the time you have with them now. Absorb everything you can and enjoy their presence. If you don’t have a great relationship with them, maybe consider doing the work to repair it. Sometimes that can’t be done unless we as the children make an effort.
I’m on the opposite side of life to you op. Both of my parents died before I was 23. I miss them both so much and I hope that you cherish them as long as you can. I’ve put off having big life events because my college graduation was so incredibly lonely without either of them there. I don’t want to get married or have kids because I don’t want them to not get to meet their grandparents and know how awesome they were. My mom was a little bit older than my dad. They had an 11 year age difference and we would always joke that our mom would probably be the one to go first because she was older. My dad had a lot of health problems like diabetes and an enlarged heart-so he unfortunately died from it. My mom was always trying to be healthy and got all of her annual visits done except for her colonoscopy and she got diagnosed with a very rare form of colon cancer in 2012 and passed away in 2015. It’s sad seeing your parents age but just make sure they are healthy and getting their screenings and you get all of the time you can with them.
Lost my dad in 2001 & lost my mother two years ago. They both passed away from cancer and I miss them tremendously. My sisters are very supportive of me & I’m very grateful for them.
Welcome to real adulthood. All you can do is spend time with them and talk to them. Get pictures when you can. Talk about relatives from long ago or places you used to live.
Don't let fear consume you, natural as it may be..cherish what time you do have and when it comes to stepping up to the plate and helping them, do it. My mother's slipping into advanced alzeimers and has a heart condition that's almost ended her life on several occasions. Every day I go to see her or I visit every other day, help out with medical needs etc every moment is a blessing .
Most of my friends are dead Family is getting thing My aunt will pass within the month they say. Parents in their late 70s. It sucks, but it's life.
I’m not close enough with either of my parents to be particularly worried about their passing. I sometimes have anxiety/intrusive thoughts about one of my kids dying prematurely but I have to do my best and hope that never happens.
Yes this will happen. Make sure their funeral is paid for before they die. Make sure you have access and power of attorney before they die. That’s really it. Best of luck
I feel fortunate in having been raised by parents from the South. Anytime a relative died, they would mourn for a day, then move on. They always told us, everybody dies. It’s okay. It’s part of life.
It happens whether you worry or not. I lost my mom suddenly - a long time ago, we had plans for lunch in 3 days and she died the next. I found out at 2 AM when I was leaving someone's house the first week of my senior year in college. All that matters is the memories you make with them, and you can't do that if you're worrying about the future when they're not here.
It’s going to happen, just spend time with them and don’t let dumb shit get in the way
For me it was a phase - I didn't think about it much until I was surprised by how many / few visits I had left (I live far from my parents). I had gone through my 20s thinking of them as always there to go back to and suddenly did the math on the fact they'd only be there 20 more times (or whatever it is). 20 visits is not a lot if you treat every one as just hanging out like you always have, but it is a lot if you treat every one as a unique and valuable milestone to be experienced and valued appropriately. Once you fully understand that and plan with it in mind, it's just reality. You will be OK when they're gone and it will be better that you've accepted that they will go at some point. So be real and start imagining a life without them.
I’m estranged so I wouldn’t notice the difference. “I’m out on my own now and I like the way it feeeels. “🎵
they sooner you accept it, the better you will be when the time somes and be more appreciative.
Spend as much time with them as you can. Record them telling you stories. Ask them SO many questions and really get to know them as people, beyond just being your parents. Take tons of pictures of each of them and of you together. Get all of their recipes. Have the harder conversations and learn what each of them has planned and wants for their funerals. I promise you’ll regret not talking about this once it’s too late. Learn each of their wishes *now* so you’re not grieving and making impulse decisions. Find out where to find their will(s). Most of all, enjoy their company. The world is a much scarier place without it. 🤍
My dad passed about 2 years ago. The loss is profound and doesn't go away. Mortality is always "right there" in front of your face once they go. Part of the reason I find "Boomer" posts offensive and unproductive. The man didn't know everything, but did the best he could and taught me a lot.
My dad shot himself when I turned 18. My mom only talks to me when she needs $$$. At this point, my life would be better if both were already dead.
Have this exact fear. After I made it to my 30s everything in my mind changed. I suddenly started to worry about my parents ageing and what will happen when they will be gone. On a bright side I started to spent a lot of time with them. I'm currently working with my dad (he is teaching me to take over his small business) and I really like it. I'm trying not to think about death and things like that, but o guess we can't run from it. Just make sure you spent quality time with your parents, help them as much as you can and in the end we will be all dead and turned into a stardust or some shit.
Lost both of my parents six and five years ago. It sucks. I miss them every day. Make photos/videos/memories now.
My dad died when I was 10, 38 now, and I can't wait until my mom is out of my life indefinitely either through non-communication or death. So...ya know... I'm just anxiously waiting. And I'm an only child (have a half sister but we only talk 3 times a year) AND I don't talk to any other bio family so 🤷♂️. Now me dying??? That's a whole ass depressing discussion.
Cherish what you have right now and put in the effort to make time for your parents. My dad passed away from a rare cancer and there isn’t a day where I don’t regret not making time for him. We both worked a lot and time just got away from us both. Don’t live with regrets in the future, make time now.
Don't worry, I'm on the other side of the coin. When my parents die I will obliterate their legacy, I will tear it down & sell it for parts. Then I will invest it into my children's future.
I lost my Dad three years ago. He was 68. My husband, his three sisters and I were hanging out and I brought up how their Dads 70th birthday is coming up and we should do something. All four of them were stunned. None of them realized he was going to be 70. He’s such a healthy, busy man that you would honestly think he was in his 50s or something. They said that’s how they always see him in their heads. Like it’s been said so many times on here, just make the most of the time you have with them. Death is inevitable, but all we can do is love and be loved.
My husband lost his mom in 2017 and I lost my dad in 2020. Both times sucked for sure and it is rough seeing your parents age. Unfortunately my MIL was very young and my dad wasn’t that old himself but made poor life choices. My husband is afraid of dying young and fears death while I just take it as it is since I have been exposed to many people dying growing up. My mother is disabled and she isn’t doing well and my father in law isn’t doing great (poor life choices) so I’m just waiting for their ball to drop.
I have been dealing with this, too. My parents are retired, my dad will be 70 next year. I know there's going to be a world without them in it, and boy, do I hate the idea of that.
My parents and the rest of my family don't take care of themselves, so I've come to terms with the fact they will probably leave suddenly and way sooner than they should. Baring an accident, I will probably out live them all by decades, and I just have to deal with the fact myself and my kid won't have them around since they refuse to get healthy. My older sister is only 34 and she probably won't make it to 40. My parents will probably be wheelchair bound soon. They have another 15 years to go before they hit 70, but I don't think they can make it until retirement.
I’ve always had a healthy fear of dying, mainly because of what I would miss my children accomplish. Then I almost died, I also recovered from substance abuse, so I’ve seen death up close and more than most 42 year olds. I’ve easily seen and experienced deaths of over 100 people I considered an acquaintance or more. It’s imperative that you never take a day or opportunity to see a loved one or tell you that you love them. It could be the last time you talk to them. It’s still something we all contend with daily!
Nope, because death is 100% guaranteed.
I had the very unfortunate realization that I’ve spent more time with my mom than I have left with her and it gutted me. No help here but I’m with you.
I’m afraid of my parents passing without resolving some huge issues we have.
I lost my father when I was 7yo. He went in for surgery and due to medical negligence he passed. He was 38yo and super healthy. It was an elective surgery. I dread every single day when the time comes for My mum. I live on the other side of the world, 12000kms away from her and haven’t seen her since 2019 😭
Yes. Every day. Seeing them age is terrifying.
Memento mori. Remember, you will die. "You could leave life right now. Let that determine what you do and say and think." - Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 2.11 The mind is kind of funny in how we can stay fixed at a specific point in time, especially when thinking about something else. How can gas be so expensive? I remember when it was less than $1 per gallon. How does food cost so much? I remember when I could eat like a king at Taco Bell for $5. I some times wonder if that is what happens when we think of our parents. How can they be old? I remember when... But time just passes. The days are long, but the years are short. This is what I do to help me combat exactly what you describe. 1. I force myself to sit with the reality that my parents years on this earth are limited (so are yours for that matter). It is not comfortable to really sit with this fact, but don't run from it. Force yourself to really get familiar with it. This will help you realize what you really care about, and what you really don't. 2. About 6 years ago my grandfather died. Although I know he loved me and I loved him, I don't remember telling him but every once in a great while. I wish I had told him more. After his funeral I vowed to tell people I care about them, even if it is uncomfortable (plot twist, you get much more comfortable with it after the first few times). Now whenever I talk to either of my parents, I tell them I love them. That's why point 1 above matters--it makes you think about what matters to you. Then act on it. 3. I think intentionally about the life I'm living now. What do I really care about? Am I actually living it out? We can all get busy with work or forget how much time it has been since we've gone to see or even pick up the phone and call those we care about. Build a routine for regularly talking or spending time with your parents (and siblings, friends, etc.). Visit about anything and everything. What was it like when they were a kid? What is the best and worst part of retirement? What do they regret most about their life, and what have they found the most satisfaction in? What are they planning to do this summer or fall? What are their big plans over the next few years? When my parents do die (point 1 above) I'll be glad I spent time getting to know them better. When my parents do die, it is going to suck. Just real talk--shit is going to be awful. However, I know I'll be grateful for all I'm doing now to spend time visiting and knowing them. As much as some emotions and experiences suck, I also know they're one of the hallmarks of what it means to be human, and they're unavoidable. Embrace the rose life is, thorns and all.
Well this post makes me feel like a dick. I am not close with my mom at all. We haven't lived in the same state in 12 years, haven't even seen her in 2 years, and only talk to her on the phone about 4-5 times a year. We have had a Rocky relationship since the 2016 election when she started telling people that I got brainwashed in college and I was a disappointment as a son because I wouldn't vote for Trump. That and the fact that my dad died when I was 3 years old means that I haven't worried about losing my parent(s) in quite some time.
I will say, after personal experience, be involved with their health and have a plan of action. Once the shit hits the fan the system will fight against you. My dads health took a nosedive in the last 5 years of his life. He had diabetes for a long time, but things worsened when he had a heart attack, his kidneys failed and circulation shot. A year ago he had a leg amputated, could not return home because our house had stairs and narrow doors, could not go to nursing home because they do not administer dialysis, could not go to hospice because dialysis is lifesaving measure. My family was fortunate to get an ADA apartment, had to get a wheelchair van, bed, power lift. He had a good quality of life for a while but didn't make it to Christmas. For some death can be swift and sudden, but when it's long and drawn out it can be taxiing. Have an end of life plan, have funds ready and in your/sibling name, medical directives, financial information ready. Know what kind of home health the insurance covers. Have this conversation before it's too late.
I've lost both my parents. I was never close with my dad but my mom's death about killed me...the only advice I can give on this is always spend as much time with them as possible. Same for siblings.
My dad died suddenly when I was 29. Twelve years have passed and I miss him every single day. My biggest comfort is knowing that our last words to each other were “I love you” because that’s how we always ended our phone calls and the last touch we had was a long hug. The most you can do is make sure the people you love know you love them by both your words and your actions.
I think about this more than I'd like to admit.
My mom told me she put herself on a wait-list for an assisted living place. And it's like, you just bought your condo. I can't imagine her being in a nursing home when she's healthy and independent. I know it's kind of like an apartment, but it gives me bad vibes. My husband and I have both agreed that we'd rather die in our own homes than ever go into assisted living.
I had the opposite. I guess I thought my dad would live to a very old age, but I didn't take into account his smoking. Unfortunately his smoking addiction caused him his life at the age of 62. It was gut wrenching to see his decline and even worse to lose him. It's been 3 years and it's still kinda tough not having him around. Grief does get better over time but you still have that piece of your life that's missing. You still miss them of course, but if you're independent, you'll be fine in the long run. Don't think about it, just enjoy your time with them.
Lost my dad last year -- he was 62. I wish we had spent more time together. He was supposed to be retiring soon and I was looking forward to my kids spending lots of time with him. They would have brought him such joy, they're so fun right now. It's still so hard. Thinking of everyone that's gone through this -- sending love to you. And for everyone that hasn't yet -- make time for your parents. My dad and I made the mistake thinking we would have more time, and we didn't.
Damn, I wish I had this same feeling. You had good parents and a good life it sounds like. Tell them you love them often, try to live without regrets and don't let the last things you say to them be made in anger. Try to resolve things when they happen, if you can.
Both of my parents kind of abandoned me because they had terrible chemistry with one another and then that ended up becoming their chemistry with me when I became an adult. My dad got married to some woman who made him become a total asshole and he stopped getting together during holidays and then stopped letting me come home. And just started blaming me for all kinds of shit. So I'm not totally sure how to process all of it. I mostly just go through life with kind of a broken heart I think. Does anyone have any advice?
I think about this ALL the time. My parents are on the older end (68&74) and I don’t live in the same state as them. I’m planning to move closer, but I worry something will happen before I can. I’m thankful they are both in good health, but anything can happen at any moment and it kills me inside to think I’d be so far away if something did.
You have no reason to fear what you know is coming. Learn all you can from them and about them and take advantage of every day with them because you know the next moment may not exist. You will make them happy and you will be happy.
It is my biggest fear and source of stress. My dads health has never been good and he is pushing 70 now.
My mom died a few years ago. It’s unimaginable, yes. But your options are to exist beyond them…or to die when they do. Literally that’s it. You find a way.
Yea, I get that. I worry about the day my in-laws pass away. My husband and I are very close with them and aside from his grandmother, he has never lost anyone else close to him. They were born in '56 & '53, and to think I met them in 2003 when they were 47 & 50...time flies.... All you can do is just spend as much time with them as you can and enjoy it. My dad died when I was 13 and my mother is toxic so...barely a relationship there. I've already mourned the loss of my mother bc she never was one.
Honestly, I envy you for having such affection for your parents. I feel the same way toward my wife, because my inlaws are awesome.
Wellllllll I mean, you can now get your stemcells suspended for $100/$150 a year. If they make it through the next few years you might get that wish. MIGHT get. They can do it in rats! One step closer to escape velocity..
My big brother was murdered in 2016. Legit blew my world apart. I never thought about him dying, let alone long before my parents. Now, I have an almost unhealthy fear of my parents dying. Especially my dad.
Get prepared. My dad has already passed and my mother is aging rapidly since. Time is limited for any millennial with living parents.
Perhaps you need to watch The Lion King again
Obviously your parents aren’t boomers. With that said when my grandmother dies I’ll be a wreck. I was when my grandfather passed
It’s the way of life. Some people die of natural causes in their 40s and 50s, some live until they’re 70 or 80. Very few live into their 90s or 100s. But we all get through it and you will too. ❤️
I can relate. My parents will be 78 and 73 this year. I know the day is coming sooner rather than later.
Like... yeah? Like houseplants, hamsters, cats, and dogs. They'll eventually die.
I'm not so sure there are many millennials who believe they will be able to retire. I'm far from being in a bad spot and I'm almost a Xennial and if you asked me if I would be able to retire in 20-30 years you would hear a laugh in response. So either I'm pessimistic because I'm very incorrect about where things are going or some people are very delusional about how much wealth they will be able to build within the next 30 years.
Lol. Ship's sailed on that one for me. Sounds like you have an unhealthy dependence on your parents.
Call me horrible but I just hope they live long enough to enjoy the good years they have left and die soon enough that my sister and I still have an inheritance. Honestly the only thing about their deaths that would make me sad is just that they're family. I'd be more sad that I was never good enough for them.