What IS IT with them never wanting to just stay in and eat normal food?! Mine would flip a gasket if we didn't go out to eat for every meal. And, it had to be super fancy and expensive. The only "fast food" she would tolerate was Panera for some reason. She would also make fun of me, mock me and act disgusted and repulsed if I ate fast food or gas station food. She would even take pictures of me eating it and mock me. WHY are they like this?!
This just gave me a flashback of all the times she walked in the door and I was cooking something for myself that she didn’t eat and she would immediately start with “oh my god that smells horrible! I don’t know how you could eat something so disgusting!” It was literally every time.
my bf makes a similar comment every single time i eat something that he doesn’t like. it doesn’t matter what it is, it’s just comment after comment shaming me and being disgusted because i’m eating something normal. it feels like he’s expecting me to throw up the food, get on my knees, and beg him to accept my forgiveness for doing something so disgusting. it’s ridiculous. i hope you’re out of that situation now❤️
My Nex was the same way! Of course he didn't start out that way. He used to cook meals at home, we'd cook together, or sometimes I'd cook. After I let him move in with me and he got comfortable, things changed. Suddenly, cooking at home wasn't good enough anymore - we HAD to eat out for every meal. I lost my job and struggled to find another - he still insisted on getting takeout. Constantly getting food delivery and carryout (this was during the early days of COVID). He'd also order way more food then the two of us could eat in one sitting but then refuse to eat leftovers, so they'd just sit and rot in the fridge. I'm not a wasteful person and I was struggling financially so this really got to me. The amount of food he would just throw away/let go to waste was so frustrating. And if I pointed out that we had leftovers, he'd stomp his foot and yell "I don't WANT to eat the same thing every day!" or "You know I don't like leftovers!" like a toddler. It was exhausting. I almost never eat takeout now, it's an occasional treat and not a daily occurrence.
thank you for the reminder that my life will get 100x easier once i leave him. i struggle with finances and food because of him and this is all i want.
Oh man.... he's left me broke while sitting on a shit ton of savings while still expecting me to spend on everything....when I went on unpaidcmaternity leave, asshole had the audacity to ask my parents for money if I wasn't willing to pay 'my share'....fun fact: fucker never pays 'his share' of anything other than rent!
So much this… mine was absolutely horrible with money and it was one of our biggest issues in the marriage. A trip to Walmart was a $20 minimum expense. Even if all we were going in for was a single item. Being a narcissist, she couldn’t admit that she had a legitimate problem with shopping. So the best we could do is try to manage it. Well, guess who had the skills to do that? Not the narcissist! Setting a budget and letting me manage the finances meant her having to release control. Even worse it meant that I would have to regulate her spending. You can only imagine how well that went with the narcissist.
At first I felt really sorry for him because I was emotionally neglected. Thought through example that he'd eventually catch on and learn. But then came the list of excuses that sounded sincere but weren't.
How do you Manage your budget now?
I was the same way with mine. She never learned how to manage her money. She has ADHD and lacks impulse control. FOMO on a good deal that may never happen again. Whatever excuses she had available. To answer your question. I’ve always been careful with my money. Not always smart but careful. I always was an aware of what I had and what I could spend. Now, after much adulting I have a much better control over my spending. I make economically viable decisions and live within my means.
I could write a whole novel about this.
It took me TWO years, but I finally figured out that he says “I don’t have any money” so that people will do things or buy things for him.
Low-level con artist. It’s so pathetic!
I noticed he would have money for energy drinks bit bitched at my suggestion to try something cheaper. Like matcha or coffee. Iced. With home made flavoring. Literally wants groceries on brand. It's insane.
I could write a book too. Or make a master post.
Maybe I should use this tactic against him of the I don't have any money shit cause I'm getting tired of always being responsible
Nothing more reliable than a homeless narcissist LOL
Mine trashed my financial well being too. The more they can get free I suppose. But mine was also a user. Of EVERYONE
I suppose it depends on circumstances and the subtype. There's a lot of categories for narcissists. The malignant, the vulnerable/covert, the grandiose and the sexual.
Wow you described their method of financial abuse perfectly. That's exactly what mine did. Even the part about complaining about the dinner I bought and cooked. Trying to buy happiness is partly why I'm in the shape I'm in. But it's mostly because he always found a way to avoid paying for anything. And now he's bankrupting me by dragging the divorce process out. Of course I'm his mind that's also my fault. If I'd have just gone to the court house and signed non contested divorce papers like he wanted (denying myself any assets) this would be over now!
Basically. He came in as the savior from my own narcissistic family. He's a covert and now after 20 years has started to use it all against me. I never want to rely on anyone that much ever again
Incredibly relatable, unfortunately. She destroyed me financially. So much so that when I eventually left after 9 yrs married my credit rating was so badly hurt by all the missed mortgage payments I can’t even be approved for a new phone contract. My 85yr old parents had to cash in retirement shares to buy my a car because, of course, she keeps the bmw.
It’s exhausting beyond words. But I can say it gets better. I’ve been no contact for about 6 months now and cannot express the feeling. No longer living pay to pay. Paying bills on time. Actually filling the tank rather than $20 at a time.
Credit is still repairing - but we sold our home which cleared the debts causing the credit issues. And now I’m just - you know - being an adult and paying my bills on time. Still can’t get a home loan but I’ll get there :-)
Oh man.... he's left me broke while sitting on a shit ton of savings while still expecting me to spend on everything....when I went on unpaidcmaternity leave, asshole had the audacity to ask my parents for money if I wasn't willing to pay 'my share'....fun fact: fucker never pays 'his share' of anything other than rent!
Mine refuses to work. Hasn't had a job since he got fired from fast food when he was 17. He refuses to drive, never once has had a driver's license.
Instead I work full time. I pay all the bills. I pay for his hobbies. I drive him around to his friends and hobby shops. I'm broke within about a week of payday.
I can't afford groceries. But have to make sure he has money to go out.
He tells me he loves my cooking, but regularly wants fast food instead. And when I cook, he thanks me then tells me everything that's wrong with it and what I should do different/how to make it better. He absolutely refuses to cook. I've been trying to get him to cook some, he did like 4 times in 2 weeks, over a week ago. That was it, and each time had to be preceded by a screaming match.
We currently have about $50 and need groceries and gas to last until the 1st. We had subway for dinner last night and then after he told me he needs $30 to go out this weekend in addition to the usual $30. So we now have no money for those groceries or gas.
I've been crying off and on since I woke up this morning.
I sat in my car in my work parking lot this morning and cried for 10 minutes before I went inside. I had to ask someone for gas money and groceries today and I just feel like an absolute failure. One day 💜
Just because a man says needs something doesn't actually mean he will die without it.
You will not survive without groceries and gas.
Going out and hobbies are wants.
His wants should not come before your needs. His WANTS or NEEDS should be covered by his own paycheck.
Fuck him entirely what a jerk. You don't deserve to feel bad for not supporting an able bodied adult.
Oh man.... he's left me broke while sitting on a shit ton of savings while still expecting me to spend on everything....when I went on unpaidcmaternity leave, asshole had the audacity to ask my parents for money if I wasn't willing to pay 'my share'....fun fact: fucker never pays 'his share' of anything other than rent!
Mine was so good at wasting money. I have quiet bpd but one of my symptoms has always been lack of impulse when spending money, he knew this and made it seem like he'd help me keep a grip on things instead somehow I became this person who needed to make sure I got the rent money off him to pay it, I became the person who had to justify every single purchase that didn't directly benefit him, who had to do a full month's shop on a ridiculously small budget that he never bothered to factor formula or diapers into. Trying to reign in my splits like you so I wasn't the 'crazy' one.
I remember my last birthday I spent with him he just sent me some money late the night before, 3am on my birthday and he's beaten me to get my phone and logged into my banking app, sent himself back not only the money he'd given me but also the money my sister and mum had sent me for my birthday. He then packed his stuff and left me there, of course he came back a few hours later once he'd sobered up.
Now I have a new partner who is everything my ex wasn't and he's aware that never again will I financially depend upon anyone else. I struggle to ask him for anything even if I need it because I feel it'll be held against me at a later date (I know he wouldn't but my ex did and that's what my subconscious tells me he'll do too).
i live paycheck to paycheck for him, and have been for years. i have nothing to my name, i have no savings, and no money to fall back on if there’s an emergency. i make “good” money, but all of it goes towards him, i couldn’t even get myself something nice if i wanted to.
i thought the take out was only a me thing. food is genuinely too stressful for me, i refuse to even try to cook for him because i’m scared of what will happen. i eat fast food for almost every single meal i eat, it is destroying me but i don’t have another option as long as i’m with him. we’ve tried eating out but an issue almost always pops up. one time a group of teenage boys was sitting next to us and he treated me like shit for the rest of the day because of it (he felt threatened by them and assumed that i wanted to fuck them). i have anxiety eating at restaurants with him now, fast food doesn’t have as much stress.
he blows through his money in days and doesn’t use it to help with our bills/rent despite his promises. i expect him to help with living expenses and i feel selfish for feeling this way. i have to drive him every where, even to his work and he has never given me any money to help with any living expense. he’s been living with me for over 2 years, i have been driving him around for over 3 years. the only money he spends on me is when he buys me food sometimes. i have spent thousands of dollars on his living expenses, gifts, and random things he would ask me to buy for him. most of these 2 years he’s been unemployed and promising to help me financially once he did get a job. now that he has money, he blows through it then complains about blowing through it. i’m tired.
Yes. She would order groceries online I would pick up but half the time she would want take out instead of actually cook. I would stop ordering food and just get it day by day and it became a chore, half the time she would still want take out instead.
She also loved waltzing Walmart with her friend and looking at televisions and stupid crap when our house was already loaded with multiples. Sending picture messages of all the expensive crap. Sure let's go broke so we can get yet another laptop we can barely afford.
Around her birthday or mother's day I couldn't afford anything because she wasted our money before getting paid. She would literally buy crap around her special day and say oh I knew you wouldn't get me anything so I got this rat or cat or dog or turtle or xbox to make up for it, sooo we're good now.
I'm so glad it's just my kids half the time and me to decide what to eat without her nonsense. No one complains, I get and make exactly what they want, and I avoid the restaurants. And I go to the store by myself, see something interesting, and walk away without buying it. Magic.
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What IS IT with them never wanting to just stay in and eat normal food?! Mine would flip a gasket if we didn't go out to eat for every meal. And, it had to be super fancy and expensive. The only "fast food" she would tolerate was Panera for some reason. She would also make fun of me, mock me and act disgusted and repulsed if I ate fast food or gas station food. She would even take pictures of me eating it and mock me. WHY are they like this?!
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This just gave me a flashback of all the times she walked in the door and I was cooking something for myself that she didn’t eat and she would immediately start with “oh my god that smells horrible! I don’t know how you could eat something so disgusting!” It was literally every time.
my bf makes a similar comment every single time i eat something that he doesn’t like. it doesn’t matter what it is, it’s just comment after comment shaming me and being disgusted because i’m eating something normal. it feels like he’s expecting me to throw up the food, get on my knees, and beg him to accept my forgiveness for doing something so disgusting. it’s ridiculous. i hope you’re out of that situation now❤️
My Nex was the same way! Of course he didn't start out that way. He used to cook meals at home, we'd cook together, or sometimes I'd cook. After I let him move in with me and he got comfortable, things changed. Suddenly, cooking at home wasn't good enough anymore - we HAD to eat out for every meal. I lost my job and struggled to find another - he still insisted on getting takeout. Constantly getting food delivery and carryout (this was during the early days of COVID). He'd also order way more food then the two of us could eat in one sitting but then refuse to eat leftovers, so they'd just sit and rot in the fridge. I'm not a wasteful person and I was struggling financially so this really got to me. The amount of food he would just throw away/let go to waste was so frustrating. And if I pointed out that we had leftovers, he'd stomp his foot and yell "I don't WANT to eat the same thing every day!" or "You know I don't like leftovers!" like a toddler. It was exhausting. I almost never eat takeout now, it's an occasional treat and not a daily occurrence.
thank you for the reminder that my life will get 100x easier once i leave him. i struggle with finances and food because of him and this is all i want.
Imagine if it turned out we all dated the same person Lol
Bloody hell. EXACTLY my experiences. Freaky...it never ceases to freak me out.
Oh man.... he's left me broke while sitting on a shit ton of savings while still expecting me to spend on everything....when I went on unpaidcmaternity leave, asshole had the audacity to ask my parents for money if I wasn't willing to pay 'my share'....fun fact: fucker never pays 'his share' of anything other than rent!
Mine literally saved money in his RRSPs and TFSA while I was on disability and still paying for everything, was sinking into debt, so stressed.
So much this… mine was absolutely horrible with money and it was one of our biggest issues in the marriage. A trip to Walmart was a $20 minimum expense. Even if all we were going in for was a single item. Being a narcissist, she couldn’t admit that she had a legitimate problem with shopping. So the best we could do is try to manage it. Well, guess who had the skills to do that? Not the narcissist! Setting a budget and letting me manage the finances meant her having to release control. Even worse it meant that I would have to regulate her spending. You can only imagine how well that went with the narcissist.
At first I felt really sorry for him because I was emotionally neglected. Thought through example that he'd eventually catch on and learn. But then came the list of excuses that sounded sincere but weren't. How do you Manage your budget now?
I was the same way with mine. She never learned how to manage her money. She has ADHD and lacks impulse control. FOMO on a good deal that may never happen again. Whatever excuses she had available. To answer your question. I’ve always been careful with my money. Not always smart but careful. I always was an aware of what I had and what I could spend. Now, after much adulting I have a much better control over my spending. I make economically viable decisions and live within my means.
I could write a whole novel about this. It took me TWO years, but I finally figured out that he says “I don’t have any money” so that people will do things or buy things for him. Low-level con artist. It’s so pathetic!
I noticed he would have money for energy drinks bit bitched at my suggestion to try something cheaper. Like matcha or coffee. Iced. With home made flavoring. Literally wants groceries on brand. It's insane. I could write a book too. Or make a master post. Maybe I should use this tactic against him of the I don't have any money shit cause I'm getting tired of always being responsible
Nothing more reliable than a homeless narcissist LOL Mine trashed my financial well being too. The more they can get free I suppose. But mine was also a user. Of EVERYONE
I suppose it depends on circumstances and the subtype. There's a lot of categories for narcissists. The malignant, the vulnerable/covert, the grandiose and the sexual.
Wow you described their method of financial abuse perfectly. That's exactly what mine did. Even the part about complaining about the dinner I bought and cooked. Trying to buy happiness is partly why I'm in the shape I'm in. But it's mostly because he always found a way to avoid paying for anything. And now he's bankrupting me by dragging the divorce process out. Of course I'm his mind that's also my fault. If I'd have just gone to the court house and signed non contested divorce papers like he wanted (denying myself any assets) this would be over now!
Oh they also promised to financially help you with things and then when you spend your money they're not around actually help you.
Basically. He came in as the savior from my own narcissistic family. He's a covert and now after 20 years has started to use it all against me. I never want to rely on anyone that much ever again
Incredibly relatable, unfortunately. She destroyed me financially. So much so that when I eventually left after 9 yrs married my credit rating was so badly hurt by all the missed mortgage payments I can’t even be approved for a new phone contract. My 85yr old parents had to cash in retirement shares to buy my a car because, of course, she keeps the bmw. It’s exhausting beyond words. But I can say it gets better. I’ve been no contact for about 6 months now and cannot express the feeling. No longer living pay to pay. Paying bills on time. Actually filling the tank rather than $20 at a time.
What was all the process you used to get to that point? How did you build credit?
Credit is still repairing - but we sold our home which cleared the debts causing the credit issues. And now I’m just - you know - being an adult and paying my bills on time. Still can’t get a home loan but I’ll get there :-)
Oh man.... he's left me broke while sitting on a shit ton of savings while still expecting me to spend on everything....when I went on unpaidcmaternity leave, asshole had the audacity to ask my parents for money if I wasn't willing to pay 'my share'....fun fact: fucker never pays 'his share' of anything other than rent!
Mine refuses to work. Hasn't had a job since he got fired from fast food when he was 17. He refuses to drive, never once has had a driver's license. Instead I work full time. I pay all the bills. I pay for his hobbies. I drive him around to his friends and hobby shops. I'm broke within about a week of payday. I can't afford groceries. But have to make sure he has money to go out. He tells me he loves my cooking, but regularly wants fast food instead. And when I cook, he thanks me then tells me everything that's wrong with it and what I should do different/how to make it better. He absolutely refuses to cook. I've been trying to get him to cook some, he did like 4 times in 2 weeks, over a week ago. That was it, and each time had to be preceded by a screaming match. We currently have about $50 and need groceries and gas to last until the 1st. We had subway for dinner last night and then after he told me he needs $30 to go out this weekend in addition to the usual $30. So we now have no money for those groceries or gas. I've been crying off and on since I woke up this morning.
this sounds like it was written by me. sometimes i just sit in my car and cry because i have nothing because of him. we’ll be okay one day❤️❤️
I sat in my car in my work parking lot this morning and cried for 10 minutes before I went inside. I had to ask someone for gas money and groceries today and I just feel like an absolute failure. One day 💜
Just because a man says needs something doesn't actually mean he will die without it. You will not survive without groceries and gas. Going out and hobbies are wants. His wants should not come before your needs. His WANTS or NEEDS should be covered by his own paycheck. Fuck him entirely what a jerk. You don't deserve to feel bad for not supporting an able bodied adult.
It's fucking insane reading this. It's like reading about my ex. Literally word to word
Oh man.... he's left me broke while sitting on a shit ton of savings while still expecting me to spend on everything....when I went on unpaidcmaternity leave, asshole had the audacity to ask my parents for money if I wasn't willing to pay 'my share'....fun fact: fucker never pays 'his share' of anything other than rent!
Take out student loans and give the money to me. About 40k…
Mine was so good at wasting money. I have quiet bpd but one of my symptoms has always been lack of impulse when spending money, he knew this and made it seem like he'd help me keep a grip on things instead somehow I became this person who needed to make sure I got the rent money off him to pay it, I became the person who had to justify every single purchase that didn't directly benefit him, who had to do a full month's shop on a ridiculously small budget that he never bothered to factor formula or diapers into. Trying to reign in my splits like you so I wasn't the 'crazy' one. I remember my last birthday I spent with him he just sent me some money late the night before, 3am on my birthday and he's beaten me to get my phone and logged into my banking app, sent himself back not only the money he'd given me but also the money my sister and mum had sent me for my birthday. He then packed his stuff and left me there, of course he came back a few hours later once he'd sobered up. Now I have a new partner who is everything my ex wasn't and he's aware that never again will I financially depend upon anyone else. I struggle to ask him for anything even if I need it because I feel it'll be held against me at a later date (I know he wouldn't but my ex did and that's what my subconscious tells me he'll do too).
i live paycheck to paycheck for him, and have been for years. i have nothing to my name, i have no savings, and no money to fall back on if there’s an emergency. i make “good” money, but all of it goes towards him, i couldn’t even get myself something nice if i wanted to. i thought the take out was only a me thing. food is genuinely too stressful for me, i refuse to even try to cook for him because i’m scared of what will happen. i eat fast food for almost every single meal i eat, it is destroying me but i don’t have another option as long as i’m with him. we’ve tried eating out but an issue almost always pops up. one time a group of teenage boys was sitting next to us and he treated me like shit for the rest of the day because of it (he felt threatened by them and assumed that i wanted to fuck them). i have anxiety eating at restaurants with him now, fast food doesn’t have as much stress. he blows through his money in days and doesn’t use it to help with our bills/rent despite his promises. i expect him to help with living expenses and i feel selfish for feeling this way. i have to drive him every where, even to his work and he has never given me any money to help with any living expense. he’s been living with me for over 2 years, i have been driving him around for over 3 years. the only money he spends on me is when he buys me food sometimes. i have spent thousands of dollars on his living expenses, gifts, and random things he would ask me to buy for him. most of these 2 years he’s been unemployed and promising to help me financially once he did get a job. now that he has money, he blows through it then complains about blowing through it. i’m tired.
Yes. She would order groceries online I would pick up but half the time she would want take out instead of actually cook. I would stop ordering food and just get it day by day and it became a chore, half the time she would still want take out instead. She also loved waltzing Walmart with her friend and looking at televisions and stupid crap when our house was already loaded with multiples. Sending picture messages of all the expensive crap. Sure let's go broke so we can get yet another laptop we can barely afford. Around her birthday or mother's day I couldn't afford anything because she wasted our money before getting paid. She would literally buy crap around her special day and say oh I knew you wouldn't get me anything so I got this rat or cat or dog or turtle or xbox to make up for it, sooo we're good now. I'm so glad it's just my kids half the time and me to decide what to eat without her nonsense. No one complains, I get and make exactly what they want, and I avoid the restaurants. And I go to the store by myself, see something interesting, and walk away without buying it. Magic.