Reading this as a lesbian going through a divorce with my narc ex wife! Wlw heartbreak is already a lot, but adding it with breaking up with a narc is another level. Fun times!
It's also really interesting seeing how many late bloomer lesbians have toxic first relationships with other women. My sister had a healthy relationship with a woman in her early 20s and an otherwise really great marriage to a wonderful man, but after realising she was a lesbian and not bi in her mid 30s, she ended up in a 2+ year relationship with a narcissistic woman.
Very true. I came out at 26, got into my first lesbian relationship, that started out good, thinking I was lucky with my first same sex relationship, ignoring all the red flags, got married and then the mask came off and I wasn’t in the greatest mental state either, it wasn’t until my friends and family helped me realize how unhealthy it was is when I gained the strength to truly walk away. I am nowhere near ready to date, but when I am, I am hoping I will have learned all the signs for it to be a healthy relationship
Awh man a lot of ways - mainly just made me out to be the aggressor in our relationship or like I was a monster for how I reacted towards him being emotionally abusive towards me. When's he's 6'2 250 lbs knows how to fight is masculine/aggro as hell and loves UFC. I'm 5'6 155lbs queer non-binary. Like anyone who believes his side of things is an idiot.
Lesbian was in what I thought was a lesbian relationship until my nex came out as trans about 8 or 9 years in. Relationship was toxic long before then.
A study on (only 83) trans people showed 48.4% of ftm trans patients had NPD and 64.1% of mtf had NPD. Obviously a small sample size, but…it’s interesting. That’s really high compared to the general population even if it’s a small sample size. Another study of 73 trans patients showed 81.4% had a personality disorder. I completely support trans rights and all human rights. I don’t believe in discrimination against anyone for their gender identity (or any other identity) and I don’t believe in the state interfering in decisions made between anyone and their Dr.s, no matter what. This isn’t an anti trans comment.
The point is just that it’s interesting because if you look at the subreddit for people who are struggling with their spouse or partners choice to transition a large proportion describe really narcissistic, low empathy, self centered behavior (or even straight up abuse). And they feel unable to speak up bc of their partner’s marginalized identity and pressure to be supportive.
Idk what the cause of it is
This happened to me! My narc "plays" queer in order to get women to trust him/not feel threatened by him until he makes them his new obsession.
I hate that I taught him so much about being queer from my own experiences.
I was in a gay relationship, and I am not sure if this counts as queer. Pardon me.
I haven't seen many (almost none) posts from fellow gay people. But it doesn't matter, abuse is an abuse
I was in a gay relationship and abuse really is abuse. I feel like being gay is actually what kept me in the relationship, as the dating pool is smaller especially where I live
So sorry. Same here, I was in a relationship because I believed that we were friends. And as an introvert gay person I can't meet a lot of like minded people. At least I thought
Gay cis man here, I had one gay (covert passive aggressive) narcissist I was in a relationship for 2 and half years with, and another I recognised the signs a month in and ran haha.
Yes , I have been with my wife 7 years . I am in so many groups and do so much reading and it saddens me that this subject is rarely talked about . There are so many things that make abuse in a same sex relationship complex .
Gay man whose narc was a straight guy. Led me to believe he was interested in me to the point we were about to move away together. Turned out he was sleeping with a handful of our female coworkers, had a girlfriend outside work, and had asked at least 5 of us to move away with him.
He was apparently using me for my cooking (no joke) and to triangulate all these women (trying to make them jealous that he "could even get gay guys").
I appreciate it. It was hard to heal, but I'm doing so much better these days. I don't even follow this sub anymore -- I just logged into an alt account that apparently still does follow it, and thought I'd chime in my experience.
My nex didn’t refer to herself as queer, but told me that she had been with more women than men. My relationship with my nex was my first time being with a woman and, after all that happened, probably my last.
Queer woman here! My abuser was a cis man, but interestingly the girl he dated after me was in the same boat of being bisexual/questioning-lesbian who is pretty much only interested in women after his abuse.
We also interestingly had the exact same experience of both having mothers who were not accepting of our queerness and desperately wanting the relationship to work out with him to appease our mothers. My nex used to brag about how he’s only slept with bi women and how his best friend is lesbian, so I guess it isn’t all that surprising.
I'm not, but when I was going to group support for it, 2 of the 5 people there were.
One of them was between 30 to 50 years older than me, and was practically able to finish every sentence I said about what my nex had put me through.
Sexual orientation really made no difference between his and my experience with a narc.
Excuse me if I have the terms incorrect. I was born female and identify as such. My husband was born male and identifies as such. However based on things he says and does I would say he is bi or gay and hasn’t admitted it to himself yet. (Checks out other men, obsessed with anal, talks to his male friends about size, tries to convince them to get ‘prostate’ toys and then tell him how it felt, makes comments about wondering what it would be like to be with a man and watches gay/lesbian porn) So in my opinion, if he is straight as he claims, then he has some major boundary issues with these other men too. (Once he made a comment that a male coworker would be just the right size ‘for him’ if he ‘went that way’- his words not mine)
He fits almost everything they say about covert narcs and some for the overt. He also fits borderline enough that a professional suggested it would help me understand my husband if I looked it up along with narcissism and looked at his behavior towards me with those in mind.
I’m a bi woman myself but my nex was cis het. One of his only green flags is that he never sexualized me for my sexuality like most other men I’ve dated and told, the bar is in hell.
Lesbian with lesbian narc ex... Without a doubt the most traumatic relationship I've ever experienced. I don't know if some of you are familiar with the book In The Dream House by Carmen Maria Machado but there were some eerie similarities. The only "upside" is our relationship lasted about 4 months whereas Carmen's tragically spanned over a decade.
i am in multiple ways, and i had a qpr with my nex because they were aro/ace too but they soon wanted it to be a typical romantic and sexual relationship because i was apparently the first person they had ever fallen in love with so why keep it platonic? so i guess they weren’t aro/ace anymore- (which was a lie, they can’t feel love for others, just wanted to make me feel special so it was harder to leave) i’m also on the gender-fluid spectrum but i can’t remember what my nex preferred to be called, they changed their gender a lot which was fine but whenever i did it they got mad lol
I'm asexual and a biromantic female. Two ex narcs (and possible current guy) were straight men. My last "cluster b platter" ex-girlfriend identified as asexual and lesbian. We actually met on a page for asexual singles. After over a year of lying, it turns out that she was not asexual at all. She was quite the opposite. When I asked her why she was on that singles page, it boiled down to a story that a "friend" was asexual, she didn't know what it was but thought it sounded good when she read about it. Since she has no real identity of her own, she steals from others and that's what she did with that person. She's also not a lesbian as she monkey branched right to a man after we broke up and 3 months later, she married an intersex person.
I’m a nonbinary lesbian. Gender “affirmation” was a HUGE part of the way my narc (who was also trans) manipulated me. We’d have a conflict of some kind and she’d start on the whole “pretty boy,” “you’re so handsome,” using he/him for me at random even though I use they/them pronouns, etc. Lots of times when we were intimate after a conflict, she would say that I wouldn’t be able to find pleasure or affirmation anywhere else. Badddd times.
Bi autistic cis man here. Going back and forth on whether my NB transmasc ex was a covert narc or had really, really bad fleas as a result of their upbringing.
I am demisexual mostly attracted to women and my nex best friend is bisexual. She often got involved with me sexually and would get really close to me emotionally before suddenly pushing back and being cold. It was very frustrating and confusing because of how she would lean hard into it and then immediately take it back. Also a few of those times she outright took advantage of me by doing whatever she felt like without asking.
My narc ex was a cis bisexual man, that had only ever dated women with bpd. Honestly that fact alone should have been my main warning, instead it made me feel at ease.
The only other person I know was a narc was a woman i dated.
I’m bisexual and my narc was queer, the entire friend group was toxic af tbh but she’s the only one I really saw extreme traits of sociopathy and narcissism
I'm non-binary trans-femme and so was my nex... But so is my other gf(well she is a binary trans woman to be more precise) who is an amazing partner so yeah I just got unlucky with my Nex.
I'm a cis bisexual man and my ex is a cis homosexual man. During our relationship, he identified as demisexual. However, after i was discarded, he began engaging with numerous men on Grindr, which I discovered through his X profile, essentially used as a diary. But when we were together, he emotionally distanced himself, withheld intimacy, and often ignored me.
I'm better without him! :)
Nonbinary trans masc here. My partner flipped out when I came out as nonbinary and never really saw me as trans, I think. He later came out as a trans man and would regularly tell me I "didn't know what it was like" to be visibly trans...despite being out for almost 10 years and being GNC as well lol...I put off HRT for years for him because he didn't want me looking any more GNC than I already did 🙄
Nonbinary trans masc here. My partner flipped out when I came out as nonbinary and never really saw me as trans, I think. He later came out as a trans man and would regularly tell me I "didn't know what it was like" to be visibly trans...despite being out for almost 10 years and being GNC as well lol...I put off HRT for years for him because he didn't want me looking any more GNC than I already did 🙄
The narcissistic female keeps telling me to be her “bisexual transgender sister slave” and “go gay” etc. And her and her friend stole my social security number too. She also tells me to wear a bra and she took photos of me when I was asleep and didn’t know then sent them to someone. She touches me at times without me knowing and at times without asking me. My whole life on and off certain people bully me and others abuse and others use me and at times call me “faggot” and etc. And I don’t know what to do. I am scared of my ex and one of my brothers and my parents. I am scared and confused. I happen to have a brain injury at birth and on autism spectrum and undiagnosed cptsd and dyspraxia and dyscalculia . What do I do where do I go? Also is it okay to be a bisexual?
I am a lesbian who was with a man for 7 years before I came out. He was somewhat abusive at the end but I’m unsure if he had NPD.
My second relationship was with a woman and I’m very sure she was a narcissist. I’m very sad that my first relationship with a woman had to be so draining after I waited for so long to finally be myself. I hope it won’t sour my future experiences with women.
Mine was bi. I didn't care. It was never really a topic we discussed. I don't even think she ever dated a female ever either. But eh. Didn't care either way
I was with someone who identified as queer and or bisexual. It didn't really seem like they were actually like that at all but they liked to hide behind those values when defending their rotten sociopathic behavior.
Queer and formerly kinky. She was mostly straight, but lived with a girl for a year or two way back when, so she was technically bi. (Of course, that ended with her catching a domestic violence charge, which I perhaps should have taken more note of.)
Reading this as a lesbian going through a divorce with my narc ex wife! Wlw heartbreak is already a lot, but adding it with breaking up with a narc is another level. Fun times!
It's also really interesting seeing how many late bloomer lesbians have toxic first relationships with other women. My sister had a healthy relationship with a woman in her early 20s and an otherwise really great marriage to a wonderful man, but after realising she was a lesbian and not bi in her mid 30s, she ended up in a 2+ year relationship with a narcissistic woman.
Very true. I came out at 26, got into my first lesbian relationship, that started out good, thinking I was lucky with my first same sex relationship, ignoring all the red flags, got married and then the mask came off and I wasn’t in the greatest mental state either, it wasn’t until my friends and family helped me realize how unhealthy it was is when I gained the strength to truly walk away. I am nowhere near ready to date, but when I am, I am hoping I will have learned all the signs for it to be a healthy relationship
Same here. Lol
Yesss absolutely
I’m queer but my narc wasn’t he was a cis het man but I’m bisexual and non binary
Oh dear 😳😳😳. Curious to know what ways he played victim.
Awh man a lot of ways - mainly just made me out to be the aggressor in our relationship or like I was a monster for how I reacted towards him being emotionally abusive towards me. When's he's 6'2 250 lbs knows how to fight is masculine/aggro as hell and loves UFC. I'm 5'6 155lbs queer non-binary. Like anyone who believes his side of things is an idiot.
I'm surprised he didn't try to use any of his traumas to play victim or claim you "abused" him because he is cis het, etc.
I was in a lesbian relationship with my narcissist
Same.
Lesbian was in what I thought was a lesbian relationship until my nex came out as trans about 8 or 9 years in. Relationship was toxic long before then.
A study on (only 83) trans people showed 48.4% of ftm trans patients had NPD and 64.1% of mtf had NPD. Obviously a small sample size, but…it’s interesting. That’s really high compared to the general population even if it’s a small sample size. Another study of 73 trans patients showed 81.4% had a personality disorder. I completely support trans rights and all human rights. I don’t believe in discrimination against anyone for their gender identity (or any other identity) and I don’t believe in the state interfering in decisions made between anyone and their Dr.s, no matter what. This isn’t an anti trans comment. The point is just that it’s interesting because if you look at the subreddit for people who are struggling with their spouse or partners choice to transition a large proportion describe really narcissistic, low empathy, self centered behavior (or even straight up abuse). And they feel unable to speak up bc of their partner’s marginalized identity and pressure to be supportive. Idk what the cause of it is
Do you have a link for this? This seems like incredibly high figures given the actual prevalence of diagnosed NPD in society.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4301205/ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7084367/
Wow! Interesting. Is there a message board for spouses struggling with Trans spouses? Curiosity killed the cat.
I'm queer, my nex tried to claim some of my identity as his own. He's a completely straight male.
This happened to me! My narc "plays" queer in order to get women to trust him/not feel threatened by him until he makes them his new obsession. I hate that I taught him so much about being queer from my own experiences.
Queer here. Queer relationship. But dont think it changed their behaviour much to other narcs from reading on here
I still question that ! My answer is Yes, he was a secret gay man.. It's ok to be gay Ricky ! I would understand 🤣
Bisexual. My ex girlfriend was a narc. Took me many years to realize it
Thiss
I was in a gay relationship, and I am not sure if this counts as queer. Pardon me. I haven't seen many (almost none) posts from fellow gay people. But it doesn't matter, abuse is an abuse
I was in a gay relationship and abuse really is abuse. I feel like being gay is actually what kept me in the relationship, as the dating pool is smaller especially where I live
So sorry. Same here, I was in a relationship because I believed that we were friends. And as an introvert gay person I can't meet a lot of like minded people. At least I thought
Gay cis man here, I had one gay (covert passive aggressive) narcissist I was in a relationship for 2 and half years with, and another I recognised the signs a month in and ran haha.
Yes , I have been with my wife 7 years . I am in so many groups and do so much reading and it saddens me that this subject is rarely talked about . There are so many things that make abuse in a same sex relationship complex .
Agreed!
Thiss widh there was a proper group
I’m a gay man and was married to my gay male narc. I’m 12’weeks no contact, and will be divorced next week.
I am but my narc wasn’t. he had a problem with it, always accusing me of cheating since I’m attracted to “everyone”
Gay man whose narc was a straight guy. Led me to believe he was interested in me to the point we were about to move away together. Turned out he was sleeping with a handful of our female coworkers, had a girlfriend outside work, and had asked at least 5 of us to move away with him. He was apparently using me for my cooking (no joke) and to triangulate all these women (trying to make them jealous that he "could even get gay guys").
😧😧😧😧 wow I'm sorry
I appreciate it. It was hard to heal, but I'm doing so much better these days. I don't even follow this sub anymore -- I just logged into an alt account that apparently still does follow it, and thought I'd chime in my experience.
My nex didn’t refer to herself as queer, but told me that she had been with more women than men. My relationship with my nex was my first time being with a woman and, after all that happened, probably my last.
Same first woman
Queer woman here! My abuser was a cis man, but interestingly the girl he dated after me was in the same boat of being bisexual/questioning-lesbian who is pretty much only interested in women after his abuse. We also interestingly had the exact same experience of both having mothers who were not accepting of our queerness and desperately wanting the relationship to work out with him to appease our mothers. My nex used to brag about how he’s only slept with bi women and how his best friend is lesbian, so I guess it isn’t all that surprising.
Sounds like he's targeting a specific demographic
I'm not, but when I was going to group support for it, 2 of the 5 people there were. One of them was between 30 to 50 years older than me, and was practically able to finish every sentence I said about what my nex had put me through. Sexual orientation really made no difference between his and my experience with a narc.
Excuse me if I have the terms incorrect. I was born female and identify as such. My husband was born male and identifies as such. However based on things he says and does I would say he is bi or gay and hasn’t admitted it to himself yet. (Checks out other men, obsessed with anal, talks to his male friends about size, tries to convince them to get ‘prostate’ toys and then tell him how it felt, makes comments about wondering what it would be like to be with a man and watches gay/lesbian porn) So in my opinion, if he is straight as he claims, then he has some major boundary issues with these other men too. (Once he made a comment that a male coworker would be just the right size ‘for him’ if he ‘went that way’- his words not mine) He fits almost everything they say about covert narcs and some for the overt. He also fits borderline enough that a professional suggested it would help me understand my husband if I looked it up along with narcissism and looked at his behavior towards me with those in mind.
Me, fully gay woman with a bi woman with narc traits, relationship was good for about 6 months then turned into a shitshow
I'm queer and my narc was FTM.
I am nonbinary and bisexual, but my nex was a cishet white man
Yeah! I'm transmasc and queer. One of my narcs was bi.
I’m a pansexual male, my nex was a lesbian (best friend)
Sometimes, idk what's worse. Romantic Nex or non romantic nex.
I relate with both, but my non romantic nex turned my life upside down and I’m trying my best to recover
I’m a bi woman myself but my nex was cis het. One of his only green flags is that he never sexualized me for my sexuality like most other men I’ve dated and told, the bar is in hell.
Lesbian with lesbian narc ex... Without a doubt the most traumatic relationship I've ever experienced. I don't know if some of you are familiar with the book In The Dream House by Carmen Maria Machado but there were some eerie similarities. The only "upside" is our relationship lasted about 4 months whereas Carmen's tragically spanned over a decade.
i am in multiple ways, and i had a qpr with my nex because they were aro/ace too but they soon wanted it to be a typical romantic and sexual relationship because i was apparently the first person they had ever fallen in love with so why keep it platonic? so i guess they weren’t aro/ace anymore- (which was a lie, they can’t feel love for others, just wanted to make me feel special so it was harder to leave) i’m also on the gender-fluid spectrum but i can’t remember what my nex preferred to be called, they changed their gender a lot which was fine but whenever i did it they got mad lol
The double standards 🤦🏾♂️
fr, it’s crazy
Both me and my nex are bisexual trans men
had a queer narc, during our recent breakup they tried to trigger me on the basis of gender identity
I'm asexual and a biromantic female. Two ex narcs (and possible current guy) were straight men. My last "cluster b platter" ex-girlfriend identified as asexual and lesbian. We actually met on a page for asexual singles. After over a year of lying, it turns out that she was not asexual at all. She was quite the opposite. When I asked her why she was on that singles page, it boiled down to a story that a "friend" was asexual, she didn't know what it was but thought it sounded good when she read about it. Since she has no real identity of her own, she steals from others and that's what she did with that person. She's also not a lesbian as she monkey branched right to a man after we broke up and 3 months later, she married an intersex person.
Wow
Yeah, it was an insane and confusing turn of events.
I’m a nonbinary lesbian. Gender “affirmation” was a HUGE part of the way my narc (who was also trans) manipulated me. We’d have a conflict of some kind and she’d start on the whole “pretty boy,” “you’re so handsome,” using he/him for me at random even though I use they/them pronouns, etc. Lots of times when we were intimate after a conflict, she would say that I wouldn’t be able to find pleasure or affirmation anywhere else. Badddd times.
Gay man here 🙋♂️my two nexes were bi men.
I didn’t, but my best friend dated what I told her was a narc and yup. So sad.
Bi autistic cis man here. Going back and forth on whether my NB transmasc ex was a covert narc or had really, really bad fleas as a result of their upbringing.
Yes
I am demisexual mostly attracted to women and my nex best friend is bisexual. She often got involved with me sexually and would get really close to me emotionally before suddenly pushing back and being cold. It was very frustrating and confusing because of how she would lean hard into it and then immediately take it back. Also a few of those times she outright took advantage of me by doing whatever she felt like without asking.
Im bi.
My narc ex was a cis bisexual man, that had only ever dated women with bpd. Honestly that fact alone should have been my main warning, instead it made me feel at ease. The only other person I know was a narc was a woman i dated.
I’m bisexual and my narc was queer, the entire friend group was toxic af tbh but she’s the only one I really saw extreme traits of sociopathy and narcissism
im queer and trans/non binary! my nex is pansexual but seems to only go after trans masc folks...
I'm non-binary trans-femme and so was my nex... But so is my other gf(well she is a binary trans woman to be more precise) who is an amazing partner so yeah I just got unlucky with my Nex.
I am queer. My abuser (who had many traits of narcissism) was AFAB not sure how they identify now.
Both me and my ex are non binary
I'm a cis bisexual man and my ex is a cis homosexual man. During our relationship, he identified as demisexual. However, after i was discarded, he began engaging with numerous men on Grindr, which I discovered through his X profile, essentially used as a diary. But when we were together, he emotionally distanced himself, withheld intimacy, and often ignored me. I'm better without him! :)
Nonbinary trans masc here. My partner flipped out when I came out as nonbinary and never really saw me as trans, I think. He later came out as a trans man and would regularly tell me I "didn't know what it was like" to be visibly trans...despite being out for almost 10 years and being GNC as well lol...I put off HRT for years for him because he didn't want me looking any more GNC than I already did 🙄
Nonbinary trans masc here. My partner flipped out when I came out as nonbinary and never really saw me as trans, I think. He later came out as a trans man and would regularly tell me I "didn't know what it was like" to be visibly trans...despite being out for almost 10 years and being GNC as well lol...I put off HRT for years for him because he didn't want me looking any more GNC than I already did 🙄
Wow, I'm so, so sorry! I hope you get to be you now!
Ty!!! Thank you ❤️ I'll be 1 year on HRT in June!!
Queer and nonbinary, nex bff was also queer
Bisexual woman but ex was a het male.
My nex was a closet case lol
The narcissistic female keeps telling me to be her “bisexual transgender sister slave” and “go gay” etc. And her and her friend stole my social security number too. She also tells me to wear a bra and she took photos of me when I was asleep and didn’t know then sent them to someone. She touches me at times without me knowing and at times without asking me. My whole life on and off certain people bully me and others abuse and others use me and at times call me “faggot” and etc. And I don’t know what to do. I am scared of my ex and one of my brothers and my parents. I am scared and confused. I happen to have a brain injury at birth and on autism spectrum and undiagnosed cptsd and dyspraxia and dyscalculia . What do I do where do I go? Also is it okay to be a bisexual?
I was just waiting for someone to ask this question just got discharged from my narc ex we were both a queer couple
I'm bi and genderfluid but my Nex was a cis het male.
My nex was part of that group, yes.
I am a trans man and my ex narc was also a trans man
I am a lesbian who was with a man for 7 years before I came out. He was somewhat abusive at the end but I’m unsure if he had NPD. My second relationship was with a woman and I’m very sure she was a narcissist. I’m very sad that my first relationship with a woman had to be so draining after I waited for so long to finally be myself. I hope it won’t sour my future experiences with women.
I'm pan, but my nex is "super straight", as he liked to joke.
Mine was bi. I didn't care. It was never really a topic we discussed. I don't even think she ever dated a female ever either. But eh. Didn't care either way
I was with someone who identified as queer and or bisexual. It didn't really seem like they were actually like that at all but they liked to hide behind those values when defending their rotten sociopathic behavior.
Ofc they did. Same in my experience. I'm sorry.
Queer and formerly kinky. She was mostly straight, but lived with a girl for a year or two way back when, so she was technically bi. (Of course, that ended with her catching a domestic violence charge, which I perhaps should have taken more note of.)
Sometimes, we have on rose colored glasses. But I hope you are safe and better now.