Yeah block, its bait. They want a head pat/argument after what they put you through and are not going to listen to anything contrary. They'll pick apart anything you say and twist the narrative back on you.
I agree completely. I guess it should be treated like an addiction almost. Forgiving self for past discretions and trying to do better moving forward. Thanks!
No responding is the opposite of satisfying in the moment and in the immediate future.
You will be drawn to respond.
I'm sure you have things to say, you want heard.
But that's not what will happen.
You'll get sucked in and then they will metaphorically burn your face off.
Non response creates peace for you over time.
It's cumulative.
One day You'll realize you're not thinking about it and that space has been filled w peace, happy, new stuff.
It will be satisfying beyond your expectations.
Keep up the good fight.
You still don’t have to respond to this. If he says something to you in person, you just say, “not having that conversation.” And repeat it like a broken record as often as necessary.
Unfortunately I am forced to live with my narc mother right now. She will often send me bullshit in the same vein as this via text. I used to engage - I don't anymore. She never brings it up in person.
I think this info should be in the post because it changes the situation dramatically.
As you’re still in the same house, maybe just a “I don’t have an answer to that question right now, but I can let you know when I do” and leave it at that, maybe?
Not at that time but does do that constantly since I moved out of his bedroom and into my office. And I’m talking a barrage of texts. If I stop replying it’ll go on for 10-20 texts before it stops.
And frankly I’d block him but figure one, it’s prob better to have the evidence than not and two, I don’t want to know what that reaction will entail until we are not sharing a roof. Hope you’re doing okay with your situation!
Wow how strange!! That's the complete opposite of my nex. A couple of weeks after we broke up I went to visit family abroad and he texted me throughout the week checking in. I thought that in itself was strange seeing as we were broken up. But after that he completely stopped texting me! While I've pretty much only texted him about boring practical stuff related to the house or cat I noticed that I was initiating all the texts which made me look like I was trying to get his attention I guess. I think it's intentional but I don't care, I've just stopped texting him too and only interact in person. The problem with that is he uses every single covert narc trick in the book and obviously none of it is documented when it's verbal, so at least you have that evidence.
How long has it been? I'm so close to breaking point after 3 months and just desperate to leave. I hope you're doing OK!
When I tried in 2022 I held out for five months. In a space in the living room, mind you, before I caved. I remember one other time earlier on I tried too but only lasted a few days. I’m on day 5 or 6 now but my resolve is firm. Enough is enough. Also, I have a door this time lol.
That'll help! Haha. I have a door that I have to leave ajar for the cat unfortunately. And frustratingly my nex has no motivation to sleep in a bedroom it seems - we're in a reno house and before the breakup we were living out of one room (living room) because he refused to do anything or pay anyone to do the work. So anytime I need food or to do my laundry etc I have to go into his living space 🙄
Have you got a plan to leave? I hope you're not there for too long!
Same with the renovation situation here. Kitchen n bath torn apart. It’s been four years it hasn’t been completed n he asked me to stay to finish n sell it but I’m thinking not. I want out. Like, yesterday lol.
No wayyy how weird that we're both in that situation! My ex wanted to buy a reno house and asked me to jump on the purchase with him so I did, even though I personally wouldn't have bought something with so much work needing doing. At the start he talked the talk, kept reassuring me that there wasn't that much to do and he was fully capable. I kept saying I didn't want to be a year down the line with only one room done. Low and behold we're at 9 months and only one room (bathroom) is done and that was finished 8 months ago. Over the next few months he completely stopped any DIY, refused to pay anyone to do it and refused to get friends in to help. The upstairs was a demo site so we had to just continue sleeping, eating etc in one room with no central heating while my mental health got worse and we were arguing constantly. I wasn't allowed to even bring up the topic of renovating, it became completely taboo.
Was your experience anything like this? My family's theory is that he wanted me gone and wanted the house for himself so he decided to just make the living situation as unpleasant and as hostile as possible until I left.
We agreed together and actually successfully got through a bunch of stuff. Then these projects seemingly never ended. And for at least two of the last four years it’s been used to control me and financially devastate me.
But of course that’s all my fault lol.
And yeah, can’t talk. Much less have an opinion. Even when I removed that it was taboo to discuss.
E-hugs. Many, many e-hugs
I couldn’t keep up with the blocking with mine. There’d be a new number, from text/calling apps, calling and texting nonstop within 2 minutes of blocking the last one. I’d just sit there and sob.
That's so frustrating...could you have changed your number? Ik it can be difficult...one thing my friend did to her toxic ex was answer the call, keep the phone aside and just not say anything and go about your day while they Talk to themselves over the phone..eventually he got pred and stop bothering her. Stonewalling is key!
It's like they are asking if you've had enough abuse or they need to torture you some more for you to break. Block and dive into narc literature and people's stories. It will help you detach because you really see it isn't about you and you didn't have some grand love story gone wrong, but a preditor of life and light that chose to leech of of your time, humanity and emotions until there is nothing left to take. They are checking if there is more life left in you to take.
It’s not like a normal question at all, right?
And yeah, no worries, I see it, it’s just hard to know what to do. I say nothing and I’m being abusive because I’m giving the silent treatment. Anything I say is misconstrued. So, I guess I’ll take being abusive over being tortured emotionally?
That’s all that’s been going down. This is all my fault. Only I can resolve it.
It, mind you, is my breaking up with the narc. It was said five days in a row before they acknowledged it n said they were done. And it’s been war ever since.
That's the thing. You don't need to argue about anything with them. They say you're an abuser? Yes, sure. They say you're giving them the silent treatment? Yes, sure... Let them say whatever they want, but keep your well-being a priority, if that means silent treatment, well, whatever it means as long as you stop giving them more of your energy.
"Tell me why you like me"
This is just manipulation, once you tell them they'll use it against you, my narc is on ICE, she knows less than zero about me and we not communicate about our kid via email only, phone calls are for emergencies and texts for last minute plans not factored into our plan.
Blocked on everything else and her family, no social media for me and I don't visit anywhere near where she lives, I even avoid faster routes past her work and house, she is more than dead to me, cremated and ashes scattered.
Confuses me how people are still communicating with their narcs once they know they're narcs, they'll just fuck around with your words.
Heard the other day in a book : "After all, you can never WIN an argument with a narcissist. Your only victory is to leave.". That burned itself into my soul. I recently used this on my narc, he literally froze....like a cartoon.
It's bait. Ignore and delete and block. There is no good outcome by replying. Take care of you. Your not responsible for them or their feelings.
Best wishes to you from someone who's been there.
That's how they getcha. Don't accept the invite to their pity party, they want/need you to assure them they're great and everyone loves them. Any response, even asking to elaborate is just enough to keep them going.
It went back and forth a bit and ended with a “Was no point in even trying to get through to you.” Because I held my ground because “I don’t care” so at least I know the gray rocking is effective. Honestly it all just makes leaning easier, at this point. We own a home together so no contact isn’t an option currently.
I totally get it, I can't go completely no contact either because we share children. I just ignore any questions or conversations that aren't directly related to things we HAVE/HAD to talk about. His emotions, wants, and needs, was most of it. Learning to control my responses- even to NOT try to defend myself, was what helped me get out while we lived together. Good luck to you ❤️
Questions like that are so fun because, even though they seem nonchalant, 1. they’re desperate for supply and 2. they’re unwittingly giving their power to you. Ignoring them here would be a massive power move on your part.
If you’ll answer saying why they’ll make sure to correct that mistake and they will definetely do their best to make sure you hate them the most.
They take pride in you never forgetting them even if the reason for which you don’t is horrible.
Best answer is no answer but if you really must either say:
“Because I’m not the type to hate. And even if I were I couldn’t possibly hate you more than how much you hate yourself deep down.”
However I’d advise not answering. You’re dealing with someone who seems like might score pretty high on the psychopathy scale and that sort of a person can cause A LOT of damage.
Be careful!!
Oh, I’m soo saving that for last communication before no contact. Thank you.
We currently own a home together. And their vehicle is also on my credit. Working through all that now.
Be very careful. Be very sneaky and never tell him the truth in how you feel or what you are thinking. He will use it against you big time.
Best of luck!
I would just answer "No, thank you. That is not a question I need to answer. Have a nice life!", if I would ever be faced with such a question.
If your nex is a true narc, they live off your reactions. Not answering, or just brushing them off is best.
"Just a question. Simple." 😅 These people really are delusional. As if you could ever answer truly answer that question in a way that would satisfy them.
My nex asks me all the time if I hate them. Just a few days ago, they texted me asking if I hated them, which I simply replied "No." I have 10 years of history with this person that shows that I don't hate them, and hundreds of conversations where I've explained to them that I don't hate them. So I don't really feel like explaining to them, yet again, one month after *they* broke up with *me*, that I don't hate them.
You are allowed to keep it that simple if you want. Just simply reply "no."
Whatever you say, you are giving them what they need - supply. Positive or negative, it's all still supply. Remember that horrible little smirk they give to themselves once they know you are either bothered or interested? That's what they're doing when your message pops up.
The only way to win their game is to say nothing.
I’ve seen that smirk multiple times this past week, yes. Hard af not to get triggered by it too. Meditation has become my superpower, highly recommend it. Have a link for anyone looking to the one I use (not me but 10 min guided.)
I just saw that you guys own a home together... my advice is to check out Stephanie Lyn Coaching on Youtube. I know you don't have a child together and coparent but co-owning a home is still an attachment.
She has advice for coparenting, she may have other advice but I don't think co-owning is something she's touched.
She was with a narcissist and they coparent. She's also a licensed therapist.
Yuck when my ex reached out to me 4 months post break up he included in his text “I hope you don’t hate me.” I decided to ask “what did YOU do to me that you think would make me hate you?” And all he responded with was observations about my behavior (blocking him on all social media, not texting him since the break up, etc) and how it made him feel hated. All I could think was: “wow he legit hasn’t learned anything” and proceeded to tell him to stop contacting me.
Edited to add: I’ve seen in your comments that you still live in the same house. I went through this too and totally understand why it is not as simple as blocking this toxic person out of your life. Good job on taking the first step towards gaining back your independence! It is absolutely a difficult process, but 100% worth it in the end.
Because I don't have room in my heart to allow hate. I choose to be positive and kind. I genuinely want us both to be happy and healthy.
Leave it at that. :)
Say, “What do you mean? Of course, I hate you.” Or, more cleverly, “I’ve moved on from hating you; now, I’m simply indifferent.” What they want is an ego boost—they want you to say, “Oh, I don’t hate you, and here’s why: you’re lovely, you’re perfect, your breath is always exquisite,” and so on.
Or you can go the less toxic route and ignore them…. 👎🏻
I implore you not to even entertain this sad crap. It's fishing for a compliment. It's low value as hell. And on the off chance you don't sugar coat it...they will say and do whatever they can to hurt you. Same ish as men (boys actually) hitting on you & when you politely decline they go off and tell you how they don't like you anyway because of some arbitrary reason because their sad wittle ego is butt hurt. Silence is an answer.
That’s exactly how it went down. We share a house we own together (not married and no shared kids at least) and no contact isn’t an option currently.
Then they return and act like nothing is wrong. Ugh.
💯 Their prefrontal cortex is actually impaired, where empathy is housed. They not only can't feel empathy or feel bad for others. They can't even feel sorry for things they actually did.
With my ex, he engaged with these topics a lot post break up over text. This kind of texts would easily turn into an argument. If you reply "I don't hate you because of XYZ", they will use XYZ to continue the conversation, which might go badly or hurt you further.
I replied and he said "You can't even answer me directly". Major Major mistake. But at that time there was no use to ignore or block him as we still had to see each other. After that I did move away and went NC.
The last resort is to give him a None Reply, if you have to do give a reply. The answer shouldn't explain why you don't hate him. Instead, it should tell him your decision is final.
e,.g. My reply to my ex before going NC " I guess I just don't usually hate people. I'm thankful for the good times but we have too much problems so we can't continue this relationship."
‘I hate what you did to me and how you behave, but you aren’t really a person, so there’s no one there to hate. If anything, I feel sorry for you as you’re stuck with yourself’. Then block.
I love men, I just don’t like YOU because of YOUR actions and you blaming it on sexism to make yourself feel better and make me feel bad/need to justify myself after you moved the goalposts to ‘Prove to me you’re not a Man-hater’. Not healthy dialogue or made in good faith. Good luck and good riddance.
That's not a question, but bait. Only correct answer is to block them and to build healthy future without someone else's negativity and constant cycles of bait attempts. You don't have to answer every question. If you can't block then use "grey rock method". You could maybe say something neutral and abstract like "I will think about it" or "I'm good, thank you". If you aren't sure if it's right decision to leave then take a piece of paper and write all good what they did and next to it all bad what they did. Try to analyze if that is what you want and need and can you continue like that? Find old notes and messages where they call you bad names, manipulate, abuse. There must be good enough reasons why you can't stay with them. Is it worth it to continue to fall for their attempts?
Yes. So much this. My notes have been a saving grace. Screenshots of texts. Some of it goes way back too. But I healed a lot of my trauma (even if I’m still working on the responses lol) and can definitely say I love myself too much to tolerate this shit any more. Full stop. Thank you!!
Like another poster said it’s bait. If you say you hate them or love them they know you still have a place in your head. Don’t respond. You are moving on. You’re indifferent to what they want. It’s no longer your responsibility. So block them and move on. They always try this stuff.
I wouldn’t answer at all. My mother pulled this shit. Apparently, “I can’t love you after what you’ve done but hate takes too much energy, so I just nothing you,” was not the right answer.
As other have stated don’t reply. But if you want to fuck with them play questions master.
Always reply with a question to their question.
“Are you just going to use my answer to manipulate me?”
Or
“Why do you even bother?”
Or
“Did something happen and you just need some quick supply to feel better?”
Like everyone said, block and don’t respond. They are fishing for an ego boost and as narcissists typically do, they will find a way to put you down in the process.
Show them they don’t matter to you anymore.
“What makes you think that?” Is about the only thing I can think of to this question **if** they asked you in person, but if it’s a text message, don’t respond.
It’s just trying to get you to talk as they triangulate your thoughts on the matter, so any response is a trap guaranteed.
They're trying to bait you via well-camouflaged invitation to give him a shot of narcissistic supply by telling him that he is nr 1 at [enter any interest he might have] (but is not really because he's a bit of a pussy innit?).
For your mental health, disengage.
But if you want to be stupid and gamble, you can sing him sufficient praises thst he'll have 2nd thoughts about using it somehow against you. Buys you some time to think.
Personally,
"I don't hate you; I feel sorry for you."
But probably something best written for yourself and then ritually burned rather than starting things back up again.
Also, as a descriptivist linguist-in-training I love and connect with your username, for whatever reason you chose it. You seem rad, and I truly believe that the rad will inherit the earth.
I've always wanted to write a book, though unfortunately I've discovered I'm best in very short bursts so I've settled on poetry. But, I really deeply love the infinite variety of human language, and I would love absolutely nothing more than to see the whole world split into 8 billion separate but mutually comprehensible languages. So, linguistic anarchy is like utopia to me in a world where most people feel it necessary to conform to local mores rather than being themselves in every way possible, and I love any kind of resistance to that norm.
Thank you. My life's goal at this point is to check something into the [Brautigan Library of Unpublished Manuscripts](https://www.columbian.com/news/2023/jun/17/clark-county-history-brautigan-library/), which I assumed would happen shortly after moving to Portland, OR, but 8 years later I'm still plugging away. Some day, hopefully soon and before they close, I'll have written enough of something of which I'm proud to say that I've written "a book."
If I felt a need to reply I would reply with a question myself. "Is there a reason I should hate you? Or is there a reason you feel I would hate you? Simple question"
Or is reply with "you just gave me one more reason" 😂
I'm a bit petty when it comes.to this personality type. My mother used to ask me why I'd answer her questions with a question.
Eww block and don’t answer. They collect information to manipulate you. You don’t owe him an explanation, he’s not entitled to your inner thoughts. Don’t waste your time with this bullshit, there is no closure here. It’s sad you feel like you need to put so much effort into answering to him. Don’t give him any energy at all
2 options in my humble opinion; 1. block, block, block on all levels. 2. My Route was to keep her unblocked and wait for the hoovering, I had a well constructed response ready for the eventual attempt to hoover which started when she unblocked me on social media platforms and started popping up as someone I might know suggestions, low and behold she had unblocked me on WhatsApp ( shed moved on with smoother guy, and within a few months they obviously split up leading to her looking for a new supply) so I went in with a well rehearsed pre written tirade (I was nice) about how I wasn't the one who was going to validate her feelings and how she lacked emotional and intellectual capacity to understand how her actions affected people, which I accepted a long time ago and by continuing to accept it I understood that any type of conversation would manipulated to her advantage, and my conclusion was that I don't like to waste my time talking to people who match that type of criteria. She remains unblocked, and has moved away from the area as she pissed off load of people not just me.
Mine has also been suicidal and it was my fault. And yeah I just stopped replying to the stupid texts. Because someone had to stop the insanity lol. Thank you!!
I see 2 options.
Dont reply.
Or
"You are missing the point, as always. I don't hate you because I don't want to feel anything for you, not even bad things. You are not worth it. What is really important is that I want to stay away from you. This is my last reply, hoping that you will not try to contact me in the future"
And then block him.
I can't thank you all enough for the support on this post. It helped me realize I'm not the crazy one. I'm holding firm to my boundaries and not falling for tricks. Hopefully, by this time next month our roofs will be separated and my time will be nothing but peaceful! I also wanted to share my favorite 10-min guided meditation cuz it's helped me TONS:
https://youtu.be/cyMxWXlX9sU?feature=shared
I used to get texts like this from my narc ex wife all the time after I left her. I often felt the conditioned compulsion to reply, and the way that I stopped that was by breaking down what she would say and interpreting what she really meant, piece by piece. It was enlightening and helped me use it as a Rosetta Stone of sorts when I’d get all kinds of nonsensical texts, emails and correspondence from her. It helped me A LOT to get clear, and it aided my learning in what these sorts of texts really meant. There is often a lot more going on than the text suggests. Needless to say, my response compulsions were soon replaced with clarity and indifference.
In lieu of illustrating why it feels like there is no right answer and demonstrating what I mean, let me show you an example of how I would break down my nex's texts, but by using the text from your nex like it was my narc ex wife - I used to type these breakdowns out on my phone when I had a moment on the train, they can get long - but, I hope this is useful! Here goes:
"***Just curious"*** - no, this can't be about curiosity alone, because this is clearly a loaded question. Plus, curiosity requires neutrality as a key component in being motivated to ask a question, and loaded questions aren’t neutral, they are agenda based. So, lie #1 and game #1. The only truth here is that curiosity is an intent to gain knowledge, so she is clearly about information on some level, but even then, she is *weaponizing* curiosity instead of confessing that she is attempting to gain intel. That’s called mining for information, not curiosity.
"***If you don't hate me can you explain why you don't?"*** - this one is more complicated, so there's a bit to unpack. This is a weirdly worded question that feels backwards, any which way you look at it. Why ask this question in this way? Why not ask it in a way that promotes clarity? Kind of like when someone uses double negatives in their language thinking it will present as a positive value, when it actually just increases ambiguity and sometimes reinforces the negative itself. It’s poor communication skills as far as regular humans go, excellent communication skills as far as narcissists go. Nothing new to see there.
Perhaps what she is making a statement in question form? Like, “I don’t understand why you don’t hate me after all I did to you” - first off, she would never say that even though she knows it is true, so even when I identify a more effective way she could have said that, it is still *backwards* - both point directly to playing the victim and wanting something she does not deserve but needs. Interesting.
So, she is in part, intentionally provoking confusion here, which is a classic power play tactic for knocking someone off center in order to gain the upper hand - think political debates and corporate America - the idea is to have me either comply or fight back, in other words, option A) is to give them what they want and shift the power back to them, or option B) react and come off like a hot head so they can shift focus onto that. Either way, she is attempting to force a power shift back to herself, which is why this feels impossible to answer! She is manipulating a response or reaction, either option is appealing to her, because power is appealing to her. Game#2 has revealed itself. It’s quite possibly the aim of the game in her text, tbh. A power play.
But, there's more - she is also attempting to force information out of me by thinking I will react or give into my compulsions, and slip a tidbit here or there no matter how I respond - which if I do respond, she would be right, she will have learned more about me in that response, and I will will have learned nothing new, because I already know everything I need to know about her - all that means is, she has become aware that she does not know enough to get back from me what works for her, so I can now confirm she is desperate, and gaining information about me is a key agenda here. She will certainly pull on any informative thread I offer up and use it when the time is right, probably behind my back and for future hoover attempts. It’s her backup plan - if she doesn’t get the power back, she gets the information so she can use it next time round.
She also wants to get me to agree or disagree whether or not I do or don't hate her. Fragile ego, cowardly tactics. SHE is actually the one exposing to me that she is off center, her bravado has been rocked by my non-compliance, but thinks I haven't figured that out yet - she is off center, because I've stopped giving her what she wants, and she both doesn’t know how to compute that, nor does she like the tables being turned. So, this is an invitation to shift power back into her court, where she believes it belongs unquestionably. What she is really saying is, "I want you to remember all the reasons why you don't hate me, and forget all the things I did that would give you good reason to hate me". Ahh, now we are getting somewhere!
This is quite masterful, albeit, pathetic. She wants me to go back in time and recall all the good times, and share them with her. She is literally attempting to reinforce the false projection that used to work on me, and have me do the mental gymnastics on her behalf!! She is inviting me to betray myself for her. She is also banking on me being so uncomfortable at the thought of the suggestion of me being a hateful person, that I would defend myself and respond without thinking! Or, find it within myself to be gracious as a false compensation. Nope. She is preying on my good nature, projecting her false nature, and that just means nothing has changed. Tread with caution.
If I tell her I don't hate her and why I don't, her ego gets boosted … If I don't, she will have a narcissistic injury by not getting what she wants and suddenly be accusing me of being hateful and holding a grudge. Either way, I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t, on her haunted vacation down memory lane. It’s weaponized nostalgia. What exactly is the course of action here that preserves my sanity, and doesn't just stroke her fragile ego? So, impossible situation #1,396,294,627. Second weapon identified, which means this is a subtle engagement of interpersonal violence. It is anything but neutral, and certainly not safe.
In the least, she is placing ME on the plain of hatred, even if it is pitched as "me not hating her", she has created a plain of hatred that apparently I'm the only one on, and that it's up to me to explain why I don't hate her. Gotta love when people ask you to explain yourself for your *response* to their behavior, but refuse to explain their behavior. It is absurd, it is pathetic and it is predatory. I do not have to explain myself to anyone, I am an adult, and she is the last person who deserves an explanation from me. Something I learned the hard way because of her, and there’s no way I’m *unlearning* that lesson for her benefit. No fucking way.
It is also hypocritical, because *SHE* hates me - the only difference is, it doesn't eat me up inside and I am aware that her hatred has nothing to do with me. She hates everyone! I was just too close to her, for too long. Ironically, I am the one with good reason to hate, and I do not. Yet ... I'm meant to explain *myself?* Just another example of expecting me take responsibility for the shit she never will. What a fucking clown. So, this is a subtle attempt at deflection. It also points to a truth she does not expect me to notice - she is aware of her behavior and the wrongness and destruction she cause, or this agenda of hers, this need of hers, and these tactics, would not be sent in my direction. Pay attention, Punkranger.
***"Just a question."*** - back to lie#1 and game#1, so this must be important to her, because she is sandwiching her loaded question with an attempt to gaslight me that this is a perfectly neutral and safe space for me to share with her, and that her intentions are good - so, another false projection. It is not, it never has been, and never will be a safe and neutral space to engage in discourse with her. So, this is a lure, a hook, and another false presentation.
The only way this will work for her is if she hears what she wants to hear, and that would make me either the liar or the fool AND puts the hard work back on me - essentially, I'm being invited to have to deal with my own recovery while coddling her fragile ego, knowing that even by doing that, she has set up snares and contingency plans all over the place. She planted a mine field in the rose garden, and wants to take a romantic stroll together for good times sake.
***"Simple."*** - well, after breaking this whole thing down, it's clearly anything but simple. But, for the sake of my own understanding and moving past my old compulsions, what does she mean when she says *”simple"* - what she really means is, "I need you to believe this is simple, because I know damn well that you won't respond to me if you get one whiff that I'm sending you a complicated shit sandwich and expect you to let me force feed it you." Okay, got it. I’m not interested in being force fed shit sandwiches.
She knows this is complicated, and likely enjoys keeping it that way, just like she understands how powerful confusing her prey is to her kill. She also clearly knows I am more aware of her desire for complications, but wants to test to see if I'll fall for it again - meaning, she wants me back as her play thing, and hopes I've forgotten or am willing to operate from my benefit of the doubt. She means to *harm me*.
Now, is all of this conscious on her part? Some yes and some no, probably - but that's not the point of this exercise - the point is, she can't escape her nature that pulls shit like this, like a paid pro. She knows the tactics work most of the time, with most people, so she repeats the tactics expecting the same result. Narcissism is in part a repetition compulsion, after all. She also thinks everyone thinks and behaves as she does. Well, I’ll speak for myself that I do not. In fact, the only reason I know how to break down how she thinks is because she forced her introject into my brain. I’d rather use it for my safety, than have it influence my life like I never left.
So, what’s my objective now that I have discovered hers? My objective is to be free of her. How will I do that? By remaining calm, collected, and no contact. Do I still feel a compulsion to say anything at all? Absolutely not, especially after seeing how nothing has changed with her. So, what is the action so that my objective succeeds? This one is *actually “*simple”: Let her sit in her shit and deal with being cut off. No response IS a response.
OP, I hope this is useful. I get how exhaustive my breakdown appears, but this is what got me breaking the cycle with my compulsions to respond to her. My inability to truly fathom the intentions of my narc ex wife was always the greatest threat to my freedom and recovery, that’s why I found it useful to find a way to decode her bullshit.
Wishing you the best!
Yeah block, its bait. They want a head pat/argument after what they put you through and are not going to listen to anything contrary. They'll pick apart anything you say and twist the narrative back on you.
Big time. Ex narc hoovered after 10 years baiting me to call him for an apology “if I would listen”. Imagine.
Ffs! I can imagine mine doing this 😭 I was thinking about doing a mix with the voice notes they sent, but maybe Ill wait a few years!
The problem is, he is doing this with every ex. It’s literally him throwing chewed up gum at whatever sticks. Sad people.
Yep. You made a choice and they want to punish you. You are their property in their mind.
I always felt like my nex thought of me as his property. Good to know I'm not crazy 😅
100%. Seeking validation / attention. Re-worded “Do you still love me, and why?”
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Yeah, there is no right answer here.
the right answer is to legit NOT answer a lot of us here are echoing that feeling
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I agree completely. I guess it should be treated like an addiction almost. Forgiving self for past discretions and trying to do better moving forward. Thanks!
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I’ll def check it out. Been consuming self-aware narc videos like crazy last couple days so may be time to change it up.
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Thanks, you too!
No responding is the opposite of satisfying in the moment and in the immediate future. You will be drawn to respond. I'm sure you have things to say, you want heard. But that's not what will happen. You'll get sucked in and then they will metaphorically burn your face off. Non response creates peace for you over time. It's cumulative. One day You'll realize you're not thinking about it and that space has been filled w peace, happy, new stuff. It will be satisfying beyond your expectations. Keep up the good fight.
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That something at least lol. Thank you for sharing!
Turn on read receipts and say NOTHING back!
Ignore, BLOCK and live your best life!
Absolutely! Don't feed that ego in any way. No matter what you say or how beautifully it's written, it'll backfire but still feed em
Dont reply, just block and move your you just gonna dig a deeper hole by replying.
How to reply? Block, never look back again! Why does this person even have access to you?
We own a home together (not married tho) and I moved downstairs into my office last week. Been grayrocking best I can, but is ultimately unavoidable.
You still don’t have to respond to this. If he says something to you in person, you just say, “not having that conversation.” And repeat it like a broken record as often as necessary.
Thanks I will definitely try that
Unfortunately I am forced to live with my narc mother right now. She will often send me bullshit in the same vein as this via text. I used to engage - I don't anymore. She never brings it up in person.
Best of luck to you!
I think this info should be in the post because it changes the situation dramatically. As you’re still in the same house, maybe just a “I don’t have an answer to that question right now, but I can let you know when I do” and leave it at that, maybe?
Yeah, I was tryna keep it short n sweet.
You're in the same situation as me 😔 why did he text you? Were you both in the house at the time?
Not at that time but does do that constantly since I moved out of his bedroom and into my office. And I’m talking a barrage of texts. If I stop replying it’ll go on for 10-20 texts before it stops. And frankly I’d block him but figure one, it’s prob better to have the evidence than not and two, I don’t want to know what that reaction will entail until we are not sharing a roof. Hope you’re doing okay with your situation!
Wow how strange!! That's the complete opposite of my nex. A couple of weeks after we broke up I went to visit family abroad and he texted me throughout the week checking in. I thought that in itself was strange seeing as we were broken up. But after that he completely stopped texting me! While I've pretty much only texted him about boring practical stuff related to the house or cat I noticed that I was initiating all the texts which made me look like I was trying to get his attention I guess. I think it's intentional but I don't care, I've just stopped texting him too and only interact in person. The problem with that is he uses every single covert narc trick in the book and obviously none of it is documented when it's verbal, so at least you have that evidence. How long has it been? I'm so close to breaking point after 3 months and just desperate to leave. I hope you're doing OK!
When I tried in 2022 I held out for five months. In a space in the living room, mind you, before I caved. I remember one other time earlier on I tried too but only lasted a few days. I’m on day 5 or 6 now but my resolve is firm. Enough is enough. Also, I have a door this time lol.
That'll help! Haha. I have a door that I have to leave ajar for the cat unfortunately. And frustratingly my nex has no motivation to sleep in a bedroom it seems - we're in a reno house and before the breakup we were living out of one room (living room) because he refused to do anything or pay anyone to do the work. So anytime I need food or to do my laundry etc I have to go into his living space 🙄 Have you got a plan to leave? I hope you're not there for too long!
Same with the renovation situation here. Kitchen n bath torn apart. It’s been four years it hasn’t been completed n he asked me to stay to finish n sell it but I’m thinking not. I want out. Like, yesterday lol.
No wayyy how weird that we're both in that situation! My ex wanted to buy a reno house and asked me to jump on the purchase with him so I did, even though I personally wouldn't have bought something with so much work needing doing. At the start he talked the talk, kept reassuring me that there wasn't that much to do and he was fully capable. I kept saying I didn't want to be a year down the line with only one room done. Low and behold we're at 9 months and only one room (bathroom) is done and that was finished 8 months ago. Over the next few months he completely stopped any DIY, refused to pay anyone to do it and refused to get friends in to help. The upstairs was a demo site so we had to just continue sleeping, eating etc in one room with no central heating while my mental health got worse and we were arguing constantly. I wasn't allowed to even bring up the topic of renovating, it became completely taboo. Was your experience anything like this? My family's theory is that he wanted me gone and wanted the house for himself so he decided to just make the living situation as unpleasant and as hostile as possible until I left.
We agreed together and actually successfully got through a bunch of stuff. Then these projects seemingly never ended. And for at least two of the last four years it’s been used to control me and financially devastate me. But of course that’s all my fault lol. And yeah, can’t talk. Much less have an opinion. Even when I removed that it was taboo to discuss. E-hugs. Many, many e-hugs
I couldn’t keep up with the blocking with mine. There’d be a new number, from text/calling apps, calling and texting nonstop within 2 minutes of blocking the last one. I’d just sit there and sob.
That's so frustrating...could you have changed your number? Ik it can be difficult...one thing my friend did to her toxic ex was answer the call, keep the phone aside and just not say anything and go about your day while they Talk to themselves over the phone..eventually he got pred and stop bothering her. Stonewalling is key!
Do not take the bait. Don't need to attend every fight you're invited to. There's no reason for this one to turn out any different.
No matter what you tell them it’ll only fuel their ego. Silence will hurt them the most.
It's like they are asking if you've had enough abuse or they need to torture you some more for you to break. Block and dive into narc literature and people's stories. It will help you detach because you really see it isn't about you and you didn't have some grand love story gone wrong, but a preditor of life and light that chose to leech of of your time, humanity and emotions until there is nothing left to take. They are checking if there is more life left in you to take.
It’s not like a normal question at all, right? And yeah, no worries, I see it, it’s just hard to know what to do. I say nothing and I’m being abusive because I’m giving the silent treatment. Anything I say is misconstrued. So, I guess I’ll take being abusive over being tortured emotionally?
Abusers will often turn the tables and accuse you of abusing them. Don't let them convince you of it, it's part of their gaslighting/DARVO tactics.
That’s all that’s been going down. This is all my fault. Only I can resolve it. It, mind you, is my breaking up with the narc. It was said five days in a row before they acknowledged it n said they were done. And it’s been war ever since.
Its not giving the silent treatment. It is protecting yourself.
Yeah, but we both know how arguing that will go.
To whom?
Any narc, ever.
That's the thing. You don't need to argue about anything with them. They say you're an abuser? Yes, sure. They say you're giving them the silent treatment? Yes, sure... Let them say whatever they want, but keep your well-being a priority, if that means silent treatment, well, whatever it means as long as you stop giving them more of your energy.
I definitely agree.
“Simple answer, I do hate you. Kick rocks.”
Don't answer it. Honestly. It's a segue to more in-depth questions, and logical tying up in knots.
Yeah. There is no winning in this situation unfortunately.
that’s a weird way to fish for a compliment 😂
I thought so as well.
"Tell me why you like me" This is just manipulation, once you tell them they'll use it against you, my narc is on ICE, she knows less than zero about me and we not communicate about our kid via email only, phone calls are for emergencies and texts for last minute plans not factored into our plan. Blocked on everything else and her family, no social media for me and I don't visit anywhere near where she lives, I even avoid faster routes past her work and house, she is more than dead to me, cremated and ashes scattered. Confuses me how people are still communicating with their narcs once they know they're narcs, they'll just fuck around with your words.
Stuck under one roof for now, separated rooms last week and been dealing with fallout through gray rocking as best I can.
Don’t take bait! And it’s all bait. Don’t respond. The worst thing you can possibly say to them is…nothing.
They’re not interested in what you respond. Only in that they elicit a response from you. Better not to engage and get pulled back into their games.
Thank you!
Block, or: New phone, who dis? Alternatively, just a laughing emoji. Repeat for each time they contact you.
I did spend almost all day Saturday repeating, “whatever you say, (their name)” because I give up trying to speak in person.
Just simply say, “I don’t think you are worth that effort anymore” And then YOU DISCARD HIM. That’s the final discard. Block and go NC
As soon as I can move out of our co-owned home, I will do just that. Thanks!
Heard the other day in a book : "After all, you can never WIN an argument with a narcissist. Your only victory is to leave.". That burned itself into my soul. I recently used this on my narc, he literally froze....like a cartoon.
I need this on a t-shirt lol.
It's bait. Ignore and delete and block. There is no good outcome by replying. Take care of you. Your not responsible for them or their feelings. Best wishes to you from someone who's been there.
Block
That's how they getcha. Don't accept the invite to their pity party, they want/need you to assure them they're great and everyone loves them. Any response, even asking to elaborate is just enough to keep them going.
It went back and forth a bit and ended with a “Was no point in even trying to get through to you.” Because I held my ground because “I don’t care” so at least I know the gray rocking is effective. Honestly it all just makes leaning easier, at this point. We own a home together so no contact isn’t an option currently.
I totally get it, I can't go completely no contact either because we share children. I just ignore any questions or conversations that aren't directly related to things we HAVE/HAD to talk about. His emotions, wants, and needs, was most of it. Learning to control my responses- even to NOT try to defend myself, was what helped me get out while we lived together. Good luck to you ❤️
Questions like that are so fun because, even though they seem nonchalant, 1. they’re desperate for supply and 2. they’re unwittingly giving their power to you. Ignoring them here would be a massive power move on your part.
That is all very, very true.
"Just asking questions bro." They are expecting you reassure them. No need. Let your silence answer for you.
There is never a right answer to a Narc’s question.
True dat. I’d lol but it really isn’t.
Because you're not worth the effort and energy it would take to hate you.
lol!
If you’ll answer saying why they’ll make sure to correct that mistake and they will definetely do their best to make sure you hate them the most. They take pride in you never forgetting them even if the reason for which you don’t is horrible. Best answer is no answer but if you really must either say: “Because I’m not the type to hate. And even if I were I couldn’t possibly hate you more than how much you hate yourself deep down.” However I’d advise not answering. You’re dealing with someone who seems like might score pretty high on the psychopathy scale and that sort of a person can cause A LOT of damage. Be careful!!
Oh, I’m soo saving that for last communication before no contact. Thank you. We currently own a home together. And their vehicle is also on my credit. Working through all that now.
Be very careful. Be very sneaky and never tell him the truth in how you feel or what you are thinking. He will use it against you big time. Best of luck!
Thank you!!
Ignore and block. No reply is a good reply where a narcissist is involved.
Don't respond to that nonsense.
the right answer is to not reply the petty answer is “hate is too strong of an emotion and u’re not worthy of even the tiny bit of my energy” ✨
I would just answer "No, thank you. That is not a question I need to answer. Have a nice life!", if I would ever be faced with such a question. If your nex is a true narc, they live off your reactions. Not answering, or just brushing them off is best.
"Just a question. Simple." 😅 These people really are delusional. As if you could ever answer truly answer that question in a way that would satisfy them. My nex asks me all the time if I hate them. Just a few days ago, they texted me asking if I hated them, which I simply replied "No." I have 10 years of history with this person that shows that I don't hate them, and hundreds of conversations where I've explained to them that I don't hate them. So I don't really feel like explaining to them, yet again, one month after *they* broke up with *me*, that I don't hate them. You are allowed to keep it that simple if you want. Just simply reply "no."
Thanks for this. Keeping it simple may be the way until no contact can happen. Appreciate the perspective immensely!
Whatever you say, you are giving them what they need - supply. Positive or negative, it's all still supply. Remember that horrible little smirk they give to themselves once they know you are either bothered or interested? That's what they're doing when your message pops up. The only way to win their game is to say nothing.
I’ve seen that smirk multiple times this past week, yes. Hard af not to get triggered by it too. Meditation has become my superpower, highly recommend it. Have a link for anyone looking to the one I use (not me but 10 min guided.)
I just saw that you guys own a home together... my advice is to check out Stephanie Lyn Coaching on Youtube. I know you don't have a child together and coparent but co-owning a home is still an attachment. She has advice for coparenting, she may have other advice but I don't think co-owning is something she's touched. She was with a narcissist and they coparent. She's also a licensed therapist.
Thankfully our kids are each our own n we never had any together. I will most definitely check her out though! Thank you for sharing!!!
I had no idea she was with a narc. I really like her.
Yuck when my ex reached out to me 4 months post break up he included in his text “I hope you don’t hate me.” I decided to ask “what did YOU do to me that you think would make me hate you?” And all he responded with was observations about my behavior (blocking him on all social media, not texting him since the break up, etc) and how it made him feel hated. All I could think was: “wow he legit hasn’t learned anything” and proceeded to tell him to stop contacting me. Edited to add: I’ve seen in your comments that you still live in the same house. I went through this too and totally understand why it is not as simple as blocking this toxic person out of your life. Good job on taking the first step towards gaining back your independence! It is absolutely a difficult process, but 100% worth it in the end.
I seriously can’t tell if their density is known and intentional or not lol. Good luck to you.
Because I don't have room in my heart to allow hate. I choose to be positive and kind. I genuinely want us both to be happy and healthy. Leave it at that. :)
That’s beautiful, thank you!
DO NOT REPLY
Block them. No reaction, no reason, no words, just vanish and cut contact.
Say, “What do you mean? Of course, I hate you.” Or, more cleverly, “I’ve moved on from hating you; now, I’m simply indifferent.” What they want is an ego boost—they want you to say, “Oh, I don’t hate you, and here’s why: you’re lovely, you’re perfect, your breath is always exquisite,” and so on. Or you can go the less toxic route and ignore them…. 👎🏻
I implore you not to even entertain this sad crap. It's fishing for a compliment. It's low value as hell. And on the off chance you don't sugar coat it...they will say and do whatever they can to hurt you. Same ish as men (boys actually) hitting on you & when you politely decline they go off and tell you how they don't like you anyway because of some arbitrary reason because their sad wittle ego is butt hurt. Silence is an answer.
That’s exactly how it went down. We share a house we own together (not married and no shared kids at least) and no contact isn’t an option currently. Then they return and act like nothing is wrong. Ugh.
Yeah, even though I understand their disorder, it always blows my mind how similar they all are. Like they just downloaded the same corrupted program.
The worst part is not feeling bad because it’s probably all from childhood trauma. But that’s for those of us with empathy.
💯 Their prefrontal cortex is actually impaired, where empathy is housed. They not only can't feel empathy or feel bad for others. They can't even feel sorry for things they actually did.
DONT ANSWER
You’re not wrong. That’s for sure.
"I genuinely fucking hate you. Stay blocked 👋🏻" Lmao. Probably best to not respond.
The reply is: get a life, you’ve been blocked
There is no right answer. If you zig they’ll zag. If you zag they’ll zig. They only want you to make a connection. That’s all they want.
With my ex, he engaged with these topics a lot post break up over text. This kind of texts would easily turn into an argument. If you reply "I don't hate you because of XYZ", they will use XYZ to continue the conversation, which might go badly or hurt you further. I replied and he said "You can't even answer me directly". Major Major mistake. But at that time there was no use to ignore or block him as we still had to see each other. After that I did move away and went NC. The last resort is to give him a None Reply, if you have to do give a reply. The answer shouldn't explain why you don't hate him. Instead, it should tell him your decision is final. e,.g. My reply to my ex before going NC " I guess I just don't usually hate people. I'm thankful for the good times but we have too much problems so we can't continue this relationship."
It’s okay, I could either.
Mumble to yourself “Because it’s you thriving on hate, and my soul would be ruined by it”. Then block him and carry on with your hateless life.
Let your silence be your reply. And your goodbye.
Say “Yes” and block otherwise you invite a conversation.
‘I hate what you did to me and how you behave, but you aren’t really a person, so there’s no one there to hate. If anything, I feel sorry for you as you’re stuck with yourself’. Then block.
I love men, I just don’t like YOU because of YOUR actions and you blaming it on sexism to make yourself feel better and make me feel bad/need to justify myself after you moved the goalposts to ‘Prove to me you’re not a Man-hater’. Not healthy dialogue or made in good faith. Good luck and good riddance.
You’re definitely not wrong lol. Thank you!
..play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
That's not a question, but bait. Only correct answer is to block them and to build healthy future without someone else's negativity and constant cycles of bait attempts. You don't have to answer every question. If you can't block then use "grey rock method". You could maybe say something neutral and abstract like "I will think about it" or "I'm good, thank you". If you aren't sure if it's right decision to leave then take a piece of paper and write all good what they did and next to it all bad what they did. Try to analyze if that is what you want and need and can you continue like that? Find old notes and messages where they call you bad names, manipulate, abuse. There must be good enough reasons why you can't stay with them. Is it worth it to continue to fall for their attempts?
Yes. So much this. My notes have been a saving grace. Screenshots of texts. Some of it goes way back too. But I healed a lot of my trauma (even if I’m still working on the responses lol) and can definitely say I love myself too much to tolerate this shit any more. Full stop. Thank you!!
Like another poster said it’s bait. If you say you hate them or love them they know you still have a place in your head. Don’t respond. You are moving on. You’re indifferent to what they want. It’s no longer your responsibility. So block them and move on. They always try this stuff.
Thank you!
"I do"
I wouldn’t answer at all. My mother pulled this shit. Apparently, “I can’t love you after what you’ve done but hate takes too much energy, so I just nothing you,” was not the right answer.
Good for you though. Chin up.
Thanks! Things are much easier when they’re gone and the fastest way to get rid of them is to give them nothing.
Just block the fucking twat. They're baiting you, most powerful thing you can do is ignore.
Never answer.
They're just using a simple semantic device (negatives) to ask: "If you hate me, why?". Don't take the bait.
Why is it so much easier to tell everyone not to respond yet so difficult for you to do when faced with it 😂😂
That one of those “follow me down the rabbit hole “ questions. Ignore it.
As other have stated don’t reply. But if you want to fuck with them play questions master. Always reply with a question to their question. “Are you just going to use my answer to manipulate me?” Or “Why do you even bother?” Or “Did something happen and you just need some quick supply to feel better?”
I like this tactic.
Ignore, block, and check for signs of stalking. I’m serious. Stalking is directly rooted in narcissistic mindsets.
I already had to reset the blink cameras for exactly this reason. They for for me and not against me now. Thank you!!
"You can't handle the truth"? Honestly, likechas been restated on Reddit ad infinitum: just go.
Like everyone said, block and don’t respond. They are fishing for an ego boost and as narcissists typically do, they will find a way to put you down in the process. Show them they don’t matter to you anymore.
“What makes you think that?” Is about the only thing I can think of to this question **if** they asked you in person, but if it’s a text message, don’t respond. It’s just trying to get you to talk as they triangulate your thoughts on the matter, so any response is a trap guaranteed.
I agree
No reply is the best reply.
They're trying to bait you via well-camouflaged invitation to give him a shot of narcissistic supply by telling him that he is nr 1 at [enter any interest he might have] (but is not really because he's a bit of a pussy innit?). For your mental health, disengage. But if you want to be stupid and gamble, you can sing him sufficient praises thst he'll have 2nd thoughts about using it somehow against you. Buys you some time to think.
This made me lol hard, thank you for that.
No answer is an answer
Block.
"Well now I do! Bitch bye" Is how you can answer
I choose not to create hate
❤️
Personally, "I don't hate you; I feel sorry for you." But probably something best written for yourself and then ritually burned rather than starting things back up again.
Not a bad idea, thank you!!
Also, as a descriptivist linguist-in-training I love and connect with your username, for whatever reason you chose it. You seem rad, and I truly believe that the rad will inherit the earth.
Thank you! Irl, I write books among many other things lol. And I adore words and writing!
I've always wanted to write a book, though unfortunately I've discovered I'm best in very short bursts so I've settled on poetry. But, I really deeply love the infinite variety of human language, and I would love absolutely nothing more than to see the whole world split into 8 billion separate but mutually comprehensible languages. So, linguistic anarchy is like utopia to me in a world where most people feel it necessary to conform to local mores rather than being themselves in every way possible, and I love any kind of resistance to that norm.
Poetry books are real—never stop writing! And yes, I love to change perspectives and demolish stereotypes too lol.
Thank you. My life's goal at this point is to check something into the [Brautigan Library of Unpublished Manuscripts](https://www.columbian.com/news/2023/jun/17/clark-county-history-brautigan-library/), which I assumed would happen shortly after moving to Portland, OR, but 8 years later I'm still plugging away. Some day, hopefully soon and before they close, I'll have written enough of something of which I'm proud to say that I've written "a book."
I totally believe in you!!
No response, is a response. Someone said that onetime and it makes so much sense.
It’s what I’m doing to the latest goading texts. Leaving on read. Not taking the bait.
If I felt a need to reply I would reply with a question myself. "Is there a reason I should hate you? Or is there a reason you feel I would hate you? Simple question" Or is reply with "you just gave me one more reason" 😂 I'm a bit petty when it comes.to this personality type. My mother used to ask me why I'd answer her questions with a question.
I can definitely see it working!
Eww block and don’t answer. They collect information to manipulate you. You don’t owe him an explanation, he’s not entitled to your inner thoughts. Don’t waste your time with this bullshit, there is no closure here. It’s sad you feel like you need to put so much effort into answering to him. Don’t give him any energy at all
Because you just don’t fucking matter. I don’t care enough about you to hate.
I'd just block. That's a reply on its own.
2 options in my humble opinion; 1. block, block, block on all levels. 2. My Route was to keep her unblocked and wait for the hoovering, I had a well constructed response ready for the eventual attempt to hoover which started when she unblocked me on social media platforms and started popping up as someone I might know suggestions, low and behold she had unblocked me on WhatsApp ( shed moved on with smoother guy, and within a few months they obviously split up leading to her looking for a new supply) so I went in with a well rehearsed pre written tirade (I was nice) about how I wasn't the one who was going to validate her feelings and how she lacked emotional and intellectual capacity to understand how her actions affected people, which I accepted a long time ago and by continuing to accept it I understood that any type of conversation would manipulated to her advantage, and my conclusion was that I don't like to waste my time talking to people who match that type of criteria. She remains unblocked, and has moved away from the area as she pissed off load of people not just me.
Good for you. I bet it felt amazing!!
Leave it on read
Funny, that’s what I’m doing today. Thanks!
the right answer is: don’t. don’t answer
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Mine has also been suicidal and it was my fault. And yeah I just stopped replying to the stupid texts. Because someone had to stop the insanity lol. Thank you!!
Human emotions are complex and we are not able to control them.
“I do hate you ☺️”
Block and move on. Don’t waste your energy.
Only appropriate response: BLOCK
I see 2 options. Dont reply. Or "You are missing the point, as always. I don't hate you because I don't want to feel anything for you, not even bad things. You are not worth it. What is really important is that I want to stay away from you. This is my last reply, hoping that you will not try to contact me in the future" And then block him.
I can't thank you all enough for the support on this post. It helped me realize I'm not the crazy one. I'm holding firm to my boundaries and not falling for tricks. Hopefully, by this time next month our roofs will be separated and my time will be nothing but peaceful! I also wanted to share my favorite 10-min guided meditation cuz it's helped me TONS: https://youtu.be/cyMxWXlX9sU?feature=shared
I used to get texts like this from my narc ex wife all the time after I left her. I often felt the conditioned compulsion to reply, and the way that I stopped that was by breaking down what she would say and interpreting what she really meant, piece by piece. It was enlightening and helped me use it as a Rosetta Stone of sorts when I’d get all kinds of nonsensical texts, emails and correspondence from her. It helped me A LOT to get clear, and it aided my learning in what these sorts of texts really meant. There is often a lot more going on than the text suggests. Needless to say, my response compulsions were soon replaced with clarity and indifference. In lieu of illustrating why it feels like there is no right answer and demonstrating what I mean, let me show you an example of how I would break down my nex's texts, but by using the text from your nex like it was my narc ex wife - I used to type these breakdowns out on my phone when I had a moment on the train, they can get long - but, I hope this is useful! Here goes:
"***Just curious"*** - no, this can't be about curiosity alone, because this is clearly a loaded question. Plus, curiosity requires neutrality as a key component in being motivated to ask a question, and loaded questions aren’t neutral, they are agenda based. So, lie #1 and game #1. The only truth here is that curiosity is an intent to gain knowledge, so she is clearly about information on some level, but even then, she is *weaponizing* curiosity instead of confessing that she is attempting to gain intel. That’s called mining for information, not curiosity. "***If you don't hate me can you explain why you don't?"*** - this one is more complicated, so there's a bit to unpack. This is a weirdly worded question that feels backwards, any which way you look at it. Why ask this question in this way? Why not ask it in a way that promotes clarity? Kind of like when someone uses double negatives in their language thinking it will present as a positive value, when it actually just increases ambiguity and sometimes reinforces the negative itself. It’s poor communication skills as far as regular humans go, excellent communication skills as far as narcissists go. Nothing new to see there. Perhaps what she is making a statement in question form? Like, “I don’t understand why you don’t hate me after all I did to you” - first off, she would never say that even though she knows it is true, so even when I identify a more effective way she could have said that, it is still *backwards* - both point directly to playing the victim and wanting something she does not deserve but needs. Interesting.
So, she is in part, intentionally provoking confusion here, which is a classic power play tactic for knocking someone off center in order to gain the upper hand - think political debates and corporate America - the idea is to have me either comply or fight back, in other words, option A) is to give them what they want and shift the power back to them, or option B) react and come off like a hot head so they can shift focus onto that. Either way, she is attempting to force a power shift back to herself, which is why this feels impossible to answer! She is manipulating a response or reaction, either option is appealing to her, because power is appealing to her. Game#2 has revealed itself. It’s quite possibly the aim of the game in her text, tbh. A power play. But, there's more - she is also attempting to force information out of me by thinking I will react or give into my compulsions, and slip a tidbit here or there no matter how I respond - which if I do respond, she would be right, she will have learned more about me in that response, and I will will have learned nothing new, because I already know everything I need to know about her - all that means is, she has become aware that she does not know enough to get back from me what works for her, so I can now confirm she is desperate, and gaining information about me is a key agenda here. She will certainly pull on any informative thread I offer up and use it when the time is right, probably behind my back and for future hoover attempts. It’s her backup plan - if she doesn’t get the power back, she gets the information so she can use it next time round. She also wants to get me to agree or disagree whether or not I do or don't hate her. Fragile ego, cowardly tactics. SHE is actually the one exposing to me that she is off center, her bravado has been rocked by my non-compliance, but thinks I haven't figured that out yet - she is off center, because I've stopped giving her what she wants, and she both doesn’t know how to compute that, nor does she like the tables being turned. So, this is an invitation to shift power back into her court, where she believes it belongs unquestionably. What she is really saying is, "I want you to remember all the reasons why you don't hate me, and forget all the things I did that would give you good reason to hate me". Ahh, now we are getting somewhere!
This is quite masterful, albeit, pathetic. She wants me to go back in time and recall all the good times, and share them with her. She is literally attempting to reinforce the false projection that used to work on me, and have me do the mental gymnastics on her behalf!! She is inviting me to betray myself for her. She is also banking on me being so uncomfortable at the thought of the suggestion of me being a hateful person, that I would defend myself and respond without thinking! Or, find it within myself to be gracious as a false compensation. Nope. She is preying on my good nature, projecting her false nature, and that just means nothing has changed. Tread with caution. If I tell her I don't hate her and why I don't, her ego gets boosted … If I don't, she will have a narcissistic injury by not getting what she wants and suddenly be accusing me of being hateful and holding a grudge. Either way, I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t, on her haunted vacation down memory lane. It’s weaponized nostalgia. What exactly is the course of action here that preserves my sanity, and doesn't just stroke her fragile ego? So, impossible situation #1,396,294,627. Second weapon identified, which means this is a subtle engagement of interpersonal violence. It is anything but neutral, and certainly not safe. In the least, she is placing ME on the plain of hatred, even if it is pitched as "me not hating her", she has created a plain of hatred that apparently I'm the only one on, and that it's up to me to explain why I don't hate her. Gotta love when people ask you to explain yourself for your *response* to their behavior, but refuse to explain their behavior. It is absurd, it is pathetic and it is predatory. I do not have to explain myself to anyone, I am an adult, and she is the last person who deserves an explanation from me. Something I learned the hard way because of her, and there’s no way I’m *unlearning* that lesson for her benefit. No fucking way.
It is also hypocritical, because *SHE* hates me - the only difference is, it doesn't eat me up inside and I am aware that her hatred has nothing to do with me. She hates everyone! I was just too close to her, for too long. Ironically, I am the one with good reason to hate, and I do not. Yet ... I'm meant to explain *myself?* Just another example of expecting me take responsibility for the shit she never will. What a fucking clown. So, this is a subtle attempt at deflection. It also points to a truth she does not expect me to notice - she is aware of her behavior and the wrongness and destruction she cause, or this agenda of hers, this need of hers, and these tactics, would not be sent in my direction. Pay attention, Punkranger. ***"Just a question."*** - back to lie#1 and game#1, so this must be important to her, because she is sandwiching her loaded question with an attempt to gaslight me that this is a perfectly neutral and safe space for me to share with her, and that her intentions are good - so, another false projection. It is not, it never has been, and never will be a safe and neutral space to engage in discourse with her. So, this is a lure, a hook, and another false presentation.
The only way this will work for her is if she hears what she wants to hear, and that would make me either the liar or the fool AND puts the hard work back on me - essentially, I'm being invited to have to deal with my own recovery while coddling her fragile ego, knowing that even by doing that, she has set up snares and contingency plans all over the place. She planted a mine field in the rose garden, and wants to take a romantic stroll together for good times sake. ***"Simple."*** - well, after breaking this whole thing down, it's clearly anything but simple. But, for the sake of my own understanding and moving past my old compulsions, what does she mean when she says *”simple"* - what she really means is, "I need you to believe this is simple, because I know damn well that you won't respond to me if you get one whiff that I'm sending you a complicated shit sandwich and expect you to let me force feed it you." Okay, got it. I’m not interested in being force fed shit sandwiches. She knows this is complicated, and likely enjoys keeping it that way, just like she understands how powerful confusing her prey is to her kill. She also clearly knows I am more aware of her desire for complications, but wants to test to see if I'll fall for it again - meaning, she wants me back as her play thing, and hopes I've forgotten or am willing to operate from my benefit of the doubt. She means to *harm me*.
Now, is all of this conscious on her part? Some yes and some no, probably - but that's not the point of this exercise - the point is, she can't escape her nature that pulls shit like this, like a paid pro. She knows the tactics work most of the time, with most people, so she repeats the tactics expecting the same result. Narcissism is in part a repetition compulsion, after all. She also thinks everyone thinks and behaves as she does. Well, I’ll speak for myself that I do not. In fact, the only reason I know how to break down how she thinks is because she forced her introject into my brain. I’d rather use it for my safety, than have it influence my life like I never left. So, what’s my objective now that I have discovered hers? My objective is to be free of her. How will I do that? By remaining calm, collected, and no contact. Do I still feel a compulsion to say anything at all? Absolutely not, especially after seeing how nothing has changed with her. So, what is the action so that my objective succeeds? This one is *actually “*simple”: Let her sit in her shit and deal with being cut off. No response IS a response. OP, I hope this is useful. I get how exhaustive my breakdown appears, but this is what got me breaking the cycle with my compulsions to respond to her. My inability to truly fathom the intentions of my narc ex wife was always the greatest threat to my freedom and recovery, that’s why I found it useful to find a way to decode her bullshit. Wishing you the best!