They love you like they would love a favorite toy. Or their phone. Or any object. Other human beings aren't people to them. They are just something that serves the narc. That's a reason they can discard so easily or be casually cruel. For example, if an object is broken/doesn't work in the way you want it to anymore, you throw it away and get another. Narcs have that same attitude, but with people. As a result they cannot love in any normal sense. They love how you serve them. They do not love you.
Yes! This is why so many of them devalue over and over but never really discard(leave).
We are just like a child's toy to them. They ignore an old toy like it does not exist, because theyve gotten a shiny new one. Toss in the corner of a closet--forgotten. But let someone try to take the old toy away--they cant handle that!
You're a possession to them. And they are stingy people. They may have no interest, but they arent going to watch someone else have you. You belong to them.
I often compare myself to the N64 console that is in my husband's closet. He doesnt play it, wont let my kids play it, and wont let me sell it. Why? Because its his, thats his only reason.
This feels spot on for my husband too. Can treat me like shit except for "providing" to the minimum, disappears drunk etc no explanation and yet how dare I want to leave.. I'm "his".
Sometimes they horde the toy, if it’s broken in a special way. I wondered, how with all my flaws, my shortcomings can this man still love me. But, in his twisted little shell of soul, he thought that made me the most special. When I tried to repair myself, that’s when things took the turn. He didn’t mind seeing me as broken. But when I started seeing me as broken too? Shattered the illusion. Then when I tried to do therapy, nearly at a point of hospitalizing myself, he lost his fucking mind. I fell off the pedestal, his words. That’s when the jealousy came out. “I don’t understand why I can’t be the person you talk to.” First it was my therapist then it was my friends, my children. “I want to be the person to do that with you.” Never in a screaming sort of angry way but in a whining toddler. A dramatic teenager with busy little texting thumbs writing novels of how inept I am, special, but inept. Of course, my entire “recovery” became about him, feeling less than and me making up for it. Quit therapy, quit my friends, when he was really upset with me but I wouldn’t know it at the time, he’d twist my ring to make sure it was perfect, as it always fell to the side of my pinky. Then he’d drop my hand, or he’d just keep fixing it over and over until I pulled my hand away.
Gentle reminders what that ring meant. Little broken doll with her shiny little diamond, locked away in a cabinet, just a collectors item.
Now we are broken up and I have received an itemized list of everything he bought me and my children. Now instead of the one hundred apologies he’s made for behaviour, he has diminished my relationship with him as me using him for his generosity and leaving him, a “punishment that does not fit the crime.”
He is rich I’ll give him that. He’s a Taurus and likes nice fancy things I always thought. I gift him lavish and thoughtful gifts all the time as my love language, he’s just mirroring that.
No, I got the list. It was all just…things. Money, value out the window.
I proposed to him first, low key in bed. I started to wear one of my silver bands on my wedding finger. The symbol mattered to me, simple thing but had it on my finger for years. I think it bothered him. He made a point tk say “I’m going to buy you a big rock.” I thought, I like shiny sparkly shit and it seemed to really matter to him. So he proposed to me with a beautiful ring. The rock sparked like something else. I think he said he was a little less than a carat? That’s big for me, I’m an artist. I’m a ceramicist. I’m an outdoorsy girl, diamonds aren’t really my thing. But the band he chose was so on point. Beautiful leaves. White gold just like I asked. The wedding band was so understated and the same motif but more simple. A few little diamond leaves. I planned to wear it. It took him months to pick it and get it made. I was so proud of him and the effort which is all that matters to me.
Today, instead of reminding me of the beautiful effort of the ring. How personalized and special. How seen I felt. He lamented “I spent 10,000 on that ring for nothing.”
I’m always so disappointed by shallow he is. He said it to sting me, which is….not even a sick burn honestly, he missed the mark.
They “love” the value you add to their life. That could be your appearance, job, admiration, housekeeping skills…but it is ultimately about them.
I think a lot of people have a component of this in their appreciation of their partner or friends (most people wouldn’t choose a partner who didn’t in some way improve their life), but my theory is that it is 99% of a narcissist’s concept of “love.”
It is very similar to a favorite toy. They “love” it because it is fun and useful to them. They really just enjoy using it. Not love in the sense of wanting to care for it even if it ceases to function because they see the innate value in it. Nope.
My ex definitely treated me as a possession. When I would try to make decisions about my own body he’d act like I didn’t have a right to make those decisions and would say my body was his. Ironically, he also treated me like my love was inferior because I wasn’t jealous or willing to burn down the world for him. They think that intense, unhealthy possessiveness is love. Not only that, superior love. And if you don’t have that kind of obsession back they are constantly going to make you try to prove your love for them and you will fail. You never love them as much as they love you. My ex would push me until I would cry and then he would be happy because that proved I cared about him.
My ex literally said to me when we had been living together for about a year that he "doesn't know what love is.".
Unfortunately, I took that to mean from more of a philosophical perspective (like, what is love anyway), but he meant it from an experiential perspective. I wish I would have thought more about it.
when i ask my bf why he loves me he says “ i love everything about you” and then i ask for details and it’s always things that benefit hum “you’re pretty, calm, big heart, good cook, good in bed” etc it’s nothing about me as a person or my personality. we are objects to them.
They love you like they would love a favorite toy. Or their phone. Or any object. Other human beings aren't people to them. They are just something that serves the narc. That's a reason they can discard so easily or be casually cruel. For example, if an object is broken/doesn't work in the way you want it to anymore, you throw it away and get another. Narcs have that same attitude, but with people. As a result they cannot love in any normal sense. They love how you serve them. They do not love you.
Yes! This is why so many of them devalue over and over but never really discard(leave). We are just like a child's toy to them. They ignore an old toy like it does not exist, because theyve gotten a shiny new one. Toss in the corner of a closet--forgotten. But let someone try to take the old toy away--they cant handle that! You're a possession to them. And they are stingy people. They may have no interest, but they arent going to watch someone else have you. You belong to them. I often compare myself to the N64 console that is in my husband's closet. He doesnt play it, wont let my kids play it, and wont let me sell it. Why? Because its his, thats his only reason.
You're absolutely right - the N64 analogy is totally spot on. Thank you!
This feels spot on for my husband too. Can treat me like shit except for "providing" to the minimum, disappears drunk etc no explanation and yet how dare I want to leave.. I'm "his".
This is a great explanation lol they really are not human
Sometimes they horde the toy, if it’s broken in a special way. I wondered, how with all my flaws, my shortcomings can this man still love me. But, in his twisted little shell of soul, he thought that made me the most special. When I tried to repair myself, that’s when things took the turn. He didn’t mind seeing me as broken. But when I started seeing me as broken too? Shattered the illusion. Then when I tried to do therapy, nearly at a point of hospitalizing myself, he lost his fucking mind. I fell off the pedestal, his words. That’s when the jealousy came out. “I don’t understand why I can’t be the person you talk to.” First it was my therapist then it was my friends, my children. “I want to be the person to do that with you.” Never in a screaming sort of angry way but in a whining toddler. A dramatic teenager with busy little texting thumbs writing novels of how inept I am, special, but inept. Of course, my entire “recovery” became about him, feeling less than and me making up for it. Quit therapy, quit my friends, when he was really upset with me but I wouldn’t know it at the time, he’d twist my ring to make sure it was perfect, as it always fell to the side of my pinky. Then he’d drop my hand, or he’d just keep fixing it over and over until I pulled my hand away. Gentle reminders what that ring meant. Little broken doll with her shiny little diamond, locked away in a cabinet, just a collectors item. Now we are broken up and I have received an itemized list of everything he bought me and my children. Now instead of the one hundred apologies he’s made for behaviour, he has diminished my relationship with him as me using him for his generosity and leaving him, a “punishment that does not fit the crime.” He is rich I’ll give him that. He’s a Taurus and likes nice fancy things I always thought. I gift him lavish and thoughtful gifts all the time as my love language, he’s just mirroring that. No, I got the list. It was all just…things. Money, value out the window. I proposed to him first, low key in bed. I started to wear one of my silver bands on my wedding finger. The symbol mattered to me, simple thing but had it on my finger for years. I think it bothered him. He made a point tk say “I’m going to buy you a big rock.” I thought, I like shiny sparkly shit and it seemed to really matter to him. So he proposed to me with a beautiful ring. The rock sparked like something else. I think he said he was a little less than a carat? That’s big for me, I’m an artist. I’m a ceramicist. I’m an outdoorsy girl, diamonds aren’t really my thing. But the band he chose was so on point. Beautiful leaves. White gold just like I asked. The wedding band was so understated and the same motif but more simple. A few little diamond leaves. I planned to wear it. It took him months to pick it and get it made. I was so proud of him and the effort which is all that matters to me. Today, instead of reminding me of the beautiful effort of the ring. How personalized and special. How seen I felt. He lamented “I spent 10,000 on that ring for nothing.” I’m always so disappointed by shallow he is. He said it to sting me, which is….not even a sick burn honestly, he missed the mark.
They “love” the value you add to their life. That could be your appearance, job, admiration, housekeeping skills…but it is ultimately about them. I think a lot of people have a component of this in their appreciation of their partner or friends (most people wouldn’t choose a partner who didn’t in some way improve their life), but my theory is that it is 99% of a narcissist’s concept of “love.” It is very similar to a favorite toy. They “love” it because it is fun and useful to them. They really just enjoy using it. Not love in the sense of wanting to care for it even if it ceases to function because they see the innate value in it. Nope.
My ex definitely treated me as a possession. When I would try to make decisions about my own body he’d act like I didn’t have a right to make those decisions and would say my body was his. Ironically, he also treated me like my love was inferior because I wasn’t jealous or willing to burn down the world for him. They think that intense, unhealthy possessiveness is love. Not only that, superior love. And if you don’t have that kind of obsession back they are constantly going to make you try to prove your love for them and you will fail. You never love them as much as they love you. My ex would push me until I would cry and then he would be happy because that proved I cared about him.
My ex literally said to me when we had been living together for about a year that he "doesn't know what love is.". Unfortunately, I took that to mean from more of a philosophical perspective (like, what is love anyway), but he meant it from an experiential perspective. I wish I would have thought more about it.
My ex said the same. He didn't know what love is and I also took that from philosophical POV.
Why? Because I do things for him, don’t walk out if he’s raging and allowed myself to become a dormat 😂
when i ask my bf why he loves me he says “ i love everything about you” and then i ask for details and it’s always things that benefit hum “you’re pretty, calm, big heart, good cook, good in bed” etc it’s nothing about me as a person or my personality. we are objects to them.