I don’t mind people holding my kids. I do mind:
- People not asking and just demanding
- People walking away with them
- People who don’t acknowledge me before asking for/ demanding the baby
- People offering the baby to other people without checking with me first
Most of the time people are respectful of that! My husband and I were recently parked outside an ice cream shop. An elderly couple got out of the car next to us and I heard the lady saying to her husband ‘You go in, I just need to see this baby!’
She came over, asked to see him (she was so excited I was already opening the door ready 😂) Didn’t touch other than a little hand shake and just chatted about how she used to be a paeds nurse and that her grandkids and great-grandkids (7 of them) spend all her money. It was so sweet.
This but also
- people that hog the baby when I have brought baby to a family function
My husband's aunt took our son at my nieces bday party and didn't want to let anyone else hold him, even though other aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc who hadn't seen him much wanted their turn. I had to ask for him back just so I could hand him to the person next to her.
I also think that people are more like to post negative experiences than good ones (this goes for any type of post, not just about people holding your baby)
I love showing off and sharing my baby with people when they're decent about it, and thankfully, most are! But yeah bad experiences can flare that mama bear instinct and make it hard to want to share.
I have such an amazing group of mam friends where I live and they always ask for baby snuggles. I’ll happily hand him over for a break so I can grab a cuppa and have a chat. But they always ask and stay in sight and don’t pass him around etc. Plus we all look out for each other (military family) and it’s great to have the type of friends who’ll keep an eye on my toddler whilst I breastfeed or will treat my kitchen as their own and help themselves/ help clear up during play dates (usually against my insistence not to and I’ll get to it once baby is fed etc.) I’m very lucky.
In addition to this, people at a family function I don’t know telling others what to do with the baby.
I went to our cousins daughter’s 2nd birthday party when my baby was 2 weeks old, my husbands cousin was holding her when someone I didnt know took her from our cousins arms and handed her to someone who said when she walked in the door she was feeling unwell and didn’t want to hold the baby but “our cousin had to do other things”. I was literally standing in front of her and could have taken my baby back.
My husband's sweet nieces want to play with their tiny cousin but they went to their mom to ask for permission.
I had to tell them that their mom isn't my babies mom and that they need to ask me as well.
They got it after the second time lol. It was cute because it's obvious they ask their mom for permission to do everything and she's the boss in their eyes.
They're 10+
"People who don’t acknowledge me before asking for/ demanding the baby"
This.
This has to be one of the things that grinds me the most.
Not looking at me but just at the baby and saying things like "Oh, I think it's abour time you come with me" and just grabs the baby from my arms...
The sheer nerve of it makes me freeze though since it's often people like my MIL that will do it. I dont want to start a ruffle but i domt know how to react.
I find it so insulting although i understand it's just pure joy from her end...
So the worst one was at a wedding. Baby was 3mo, and we attended a dinner hosted by the bride’s parents the night before the wedding.
Her mother whom I’d never met walked up and said ‘Oh he’s sleeping, I wanted to hold him’.
She literally didn’t even say hello or introduce herself to me. It pissed me off so much I made sure she had 0 opportunity to even see the baby, let alone hold him! And when others came up to me and I could see they were aiming for the baby, I loudly turned the conversation into how people have been rudely demanding the baby without so much as a ‘hello’.
So Instead of asking for the baby and risk looking rude, they were agreeing with me - telling me I ‘looked great for 3mo PP!’ and that they completely agreed it was a good idea not to play ‘Pass the baby’…
I have a three year old and my cousin in law has a five month old. We're currently at our family reunion and talking daycare, sleep training, breast feeding and all these shared experiences. I had to check myself before offering her son to an older aunt, "Is it okay if Diane holds him?" To an enthusiastic "Sure!"
YES to all of your points listed!!! 🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌
I feel like there are some people respectful of it but it's a risk because if they're not it causes a situation you either have to feel uncomfortable sitting in or attempt to tactfully address and get your baby back.
For your point 3! I was explaining how hurtful it was to my SIL when someone doesn't even acknowledge you and just tries to take the baby, I was like I need at least a hello. Her response : "idk why you need that, can't you just understand we're excited about the baby" 🙃🙃🙃🙃
I think there are a lot of topics on this sub that people feel very strongly about which can be intimidating for a new parent searching for advice. I see phrases like 'privileged" and "well not everyone has that reality" thrown around but the same thing can be said for the other side. Not everyone has had a bad experience with family, and some people want visitors to come and hold the baby after birth rather than clean and there shouldnt be guilt associated with that. I think a both sides are important to people looking for support but advice should be taken with a grain of salt and adjusted to what you feel is right for you.
Definitely! Bringing a baby into this world is hard enough without being shamed on reddit. Both sides make valid points but it comes down to an individual’s preferences which will largely be informed by experience. I will say that instincts are importantly— people who I trust most with my daughter are the ones who make me feel most comfortable and respect my boundaries. I feel much more vigilant about people who have pushed my boundaries in the past even if the issue was unrelated.
It’s okay to do whatever you feel comfortable with your baby. Some people are not okay with their baby being passed around for a multitude of reasons (like family being boundary stompers). Some people are okay with their baby being passed around.
Whatever choice you make is okay.
Yes, that’s what I mean. But I think the preponderance of posts here is that no one should touch your baby ever. My point is, if that’s what you want, then let it happen! They’ll be fine.
This! It is up to the baby’s parents. Just because OP doesn’t mind it, doesn’t mean it is objectively correct. It is a subjective judgment call. It is not a group think situation for me. I’ve always been an introverted, nervous and careful person. That extends to my parenting. I don’t trust other people not to drop my son, to fully support his neck, to not kiss him, and to be honest about being sick. My pediatrician also advised not to unnecessarily expose my baby to other people until he is fully vaccinated. So passing a baby around to a bunch of randos doesn’t exactly follow that. I don’t like other people holding my baby and as the parent, I have the unilateral authority to exercise that preference.
I think you’re just lucky your family just holds the baby/gives it back when asked. My family kissed my sons with active cold sores, would walk away with baby, would refuse to give baby back when asked (and I didn’t ask for no reason, baby was either crying or needed something), and my dad tried feeding my son (3 months at the time) ice cream. How am I supposed to be okay after saying “please don’t kiss our child, you have a cold sore/its RSV season” and then having that person IMMEDIATELY kiss my son and then laugh and say “I’m sorry! I can’t help it!” It’s great that your family respects your boundaries, not everyone is that lucky.
This. 100%. Totally depends on your experience / people around you as to how you respond.
I've gone into situations excited to share my newborn and come away thinking wtf am I a neglectful parent for passing her to someone who did that?!
Equally, I have been very apprehensive about a situation and actually both baby and the visitor/ (stranger sometimes!) Have had an ace time (with nothing unsafe/ uncomfortable happening)
People have new and surprising sides where babies are concerned, you never can be 100% sure if their behaviour
I can relate completely. I am currently so beyond pissed off at my husband's family for kissing my baby on the face against my wishes and grabbing her when he's holding her. Guess what? My baby and I are now sick because of how irresponsible they were at a recent birthday party. After getting into a massive fight with them to no avail, I will no longer be letting that happen. I'm holding my baby and saying no to everyone in his family when I decide that it's not safe/ok for them to hold her. We have to be so tough as mom's.
Now that my baby isn’t super new and I don’t have to be as worried about illness, the only other concern is people kissing their face and hands.
If I could trust people wouldn’t try to sneak one in, by all means take my baby. Show him around the house and look at all the light fixtures his little heart desires.
- it's ok to let people hold your baby
- it's ok to not let people hold your baby
Either way, you're the parent. Do what you feel is best for your kid within reasonable medical and scientific advice.
10000000000% agree!! My child was NOT about to be passed around if he had anything to say about it. He wanted his aunt, his dad and I. That was it. No one else apparently passed the vibe check with him. Hahahha
I had a similar positive experience! I honestly thought I would be really uncomfortable with people holding my baby! My LO was born beginning of January and we felt comfortable going to a small Super Bowl party with our church small group that was 3 other families! All 3 of the women held my daughter and were super respectful about washing hands and anything else without me even asking. They even offered her back to me regularly and especially if she was starting to cry so I never had to ask!
I think part of my comfort was definitely in knowing they all could be trusted and that I had gotten to get the RSV vaccine and definitely felt more comfortable knowing LO had some additional protections from me!
Everyone has their own comfort and there is absolutely nothing wrong with whatever parents choose is best for them!!! I do totally agree it’s nice to have stories from both sides once in a while so thank you for sharing your experience!
I understand your point, I've seen some extreme feelings on here and I understand wanting to counter that. It's just a delicate topic, some people feel very strongly that it's not ok, and I think it is very much a personal choice
Parents have to decide what they’re comfortable with for their own children. If you’re happy to have your child passed around, it’s your choice. But people don’t have to feel bad for not letting their children be held if they’re not comfortable with it. We all have our reasons for the choices we make.
Obviously parents get to decide.
Seems like OP is just trying to provide some counter-perspective to the typical posts on this topic. And that might be valuable, lest any parents who are otherwise comfortable with it feel like they’re doing something wrong when they read this sub.
The only time I've had an issue was when my oldest was younger a family friend was holding him and he was crying obviously reaching out to me and she refused to give him back for a while; insisting he doesnt need me. Like read the room lady give the crying baby back
Not exactly. I told her a few times to please give him back and then finally I told her he clearly wants me ill go ahead and take him now. I was still finding my voice as a first time mom. I'm more seasoned now 😂😂 also just had my 2nd a few weeks ago
I was always happy to let my baby be passed around by family members, but I still have boundaries. For the first 4ish months I was very adamant about washing hands before holding baby and not kissing him (I let his grandparents kiss him, but didn’t let anyone else.)
I’d make a cute game out of it…. I’d announce, “first one to wash their hands gets to take the baby!” And giggle as everyone raced to the sink.
It depends on how much you trust your family. Not everyone has a family they can trust. I'm very fortunate that we are super close with both of our families and there's a lot of young kids so everyone is pretty up to date on baby care and safety so I was comfortable with everyone holding her and watching her but that's not the case for everyone
I totally understand that some people have not so trustworthy families, but I'm genuinely curious - if that's the case, why even bring baby around them to begin with? I wouldn't even bring my baby around people I didn't trust.
Because there's a huge gray area between trusting to hold the baby and carry them around vs not even letting them see the baby ever. Like everything in life, there's nuance. Reddit loves to scream just go no contact for every little thing but that's not reality
Well, I'm certainly not in that camp. But if I believed that anyone was out to get my kid or had bad intentions toward them, you can bet your tuckus I'd keep my kid away.
I get if the person has done something wrong and didn't acknowledge it or apologize, but just to never give anyone the opportunity could be completely detrimental to the kids' social skills later.
We let people hold baby, too. I think most people do. We ask that everyone washes their hands. Most people know instinctively not to start kissing baby… but at the same time, when it happens, it happens. Babies are going to catch little bugs, build antibodies — it’s part of growing up.
Reddit can over-index on conflict and negative experiences sometimes. I don’t think the panicky posts on here are representative of parents generally.
Sure people can hold your baby if they’re respectful. You don’t always know what someone is going to do though, like the other day I let a fellow new parent say hello to our baby and he touched her face with his visibly dirty, nail-bitten-to-the-quick finger and rubbed her cheek. Like why 😩 it’s just the unexpected things that tick people off. Most parents aren’t fearful of someone holding their baby. They’re just afraid of very (to us) obvious boundaries being crossed even by well-meaning people who should absolutely know better. It’s just all about personal choice. Respect parent’s boundaries, period.
Absolutely got snarky, which is fine but don't go judging others for what they choose for their kids! It's okay to have a different view, it's not okay to belittle others that are doing differently. We are all just trying to be the best parents we can be, after all!
I’m not sure if this is just a US thing? I live in Ireland and the only time we wouldn’t have let family or friends hold our babies was during Covid. I totally understand concerns regarding germs, illnesses and pushy family members but I’m wondering if this is a cultural thing? Nobody I know would come and visit a new baby if they were ill, that just seems like common sense to me.
Nah I live in the US and I'm happy to let anyone hold my kids. We were very cautious about germs when he was born in December but once we hit April, I'm happy to bring him to a party and let folks pass him around. He already goes to the library and story time and etc. I figured it's just because I'm an old mom.
I do know that having a village isn’t as common here in the US as it is in some other countries. In my culture everyone is always so willing to help each other out especially new moms, including strangers. If I was having a rough time in public and my baby was crying, people would immediately walk over and try to help how they could.
The culture here is so different and you typically don’t see that. Not saying it doesn’t happen just doesn’t seem common as common like where I’m from. Also the culture here seems to be so anti children and mothers sometimes. You’ll get stink eyes if you kid is crying in public.
I can’t imagine freaking out over someone touching my baby. I don’t immediately think they mean harm. I think it might be a mix of postpartum depression and/or anxiety for some.
>I don't know anyone in real life who acts the way I see moms in this sub acting about people holding babies
Or who freaks out if someone calls their child "my baby", and acts like that means they are going to literally steal the child away from you vs using it as a loving expression. 🙄
Holy shit this. It particularly makes me sad when I hear them complain about their moms and MILs saying this. I can't imagine how emotional an experience it would be to hold your child's child, especially when your child is grown at that point and not your baby anymore.
My daughter came out looking just like my husband. Watching my MIL hold her and cry and say "she looks just like my baby" was one of the most beautiful experiences I've ever shared with her.
i am lucky to have very nice family around that it feels like a village as my sil has 2 kids and when we all are together we just all look after the kids its so much easier and i do love that my baby enjoys the time with other people ... we have neighbor who is so close to us and she loves him and loves to be held by him... but noone tries to kiss her or do somethinger over the boundries
that said i do get the other side of people here who hate that their baby is passed around as not everyone has that healthy / good relationship with their family members
i do struggle with some other stuff with my family as any other family do we are not one happy rainbow family but i am thankful that my baby can spend time with others
When my daughter was 5 months, I didn’t mind her being passed around! It’s when people felt like they could demand to do the same when she was like 3 weeks old…
There’s so much nuance in these convos we’re having on the internet that just cannot be explained
It’s ok to let parents do what they feel is comfortable and allow what’s necessary to protect that comfort. As long as everything is safe both emotionally and physically then it’s ok to maintain boundaries.
Thanks for your post ! I have the same feeling about a lot of things read around here, made me doubt myself - « should I let baby be held ? » In real life, the answer is mostly yes - and I feel it’s so nice to see the wonder in my babies eyes, and hapiness in theirs :)
It is so rewarding to watch others, especially family, bond with the baby. And the baby loves it, too.
Holding a baby is one of the most special feelings… and even if you are a parent, they aren’t babies for long. I’m so sad that my youngest will be out of that phase before I know it. To give other people that joy, those warm fuzzies, is a gift!
I'm similar to you, and I felt like something was wrong with me because everyone online seems to be very aggressive about not letting people hold their baby.
But I don't know their story much like they don't know mine. Raise your baby how you see fit. I see the point of your post, and I don't think you were trying to shame anyone, just giving a different perspective.
I feel like most people commenting completely missed her last paragraph. Like she wasn't trying to change people's minds, she was just offering her experience with it. And I totally get her point of how aggressive some people come off in those type of posts.
Is it needed sometimes with overbearing people that don't get the point. Yes.
Is it needed in every one of these situations I've seen people freak out about in these posts. No.
Honestly, I’m assuming that most of them stopped reading before they even got to that part. Which, we’re on Reddit, so… 🤷🏼♀️
But I completely agree with you and OP. Yes, there are times that people do inappropriate things with/around your children. But not *every* person that you encounter is out to hurt you or your baby. Illness is also a thing whether you let people hold your children or not.
But the point is, do what you want with *your* baby, and just keep scrolling if you don’t agree with someone’s opinion. Polite debate about the topic is one thing, but some of these people are just plain rude for no reason. Lol
It’s also helpful for me to remember that Reddit is a microcosm of the actual parent population. I see so many stories on here of complete strangers grabbing babies and kissing them, just acting inappropriate with children in general. I’ve never experienced that or know anyone who has.
I read this post and some comments, moved on and came back because I kept thinking about it.
I’m a first time mom of a now 19 month old. I lived on this sub while I was pregnant. Because of the posts I read and general culture of this sub, I had many rules. No visitors in the hospital, no visitors the first two weeks, skipping out on the first set of holiday (October baby), etc. Thank fucking God my mom came anyway and my in-laws respected our boundaries but were there on a moment’s notice when we needed them… which was right away. I don’t get the “can’t hold my baby thing.” I was delighted to let other people hold my baby because I immediately recognized that both my baby and I needed a village, but also how happy it made our parents. I needed all their advice and tips and tricks and would have been so completely lost with “no visitors the first two weeks.” Maybe I had an especially hard newborn, but I definitely wasn’t as prepared as I thought I was.
I love this perspective. I’m really exhausted by how miserable some people seem about parenting, like everything is the end of the world, everything’s an issue.
Really cool to hear someone feel good 😊
My main issue is people in my family smoke cigarettes heavily and they reek. My grandma will pass my son off to them and when I get him back he reeeeeks of smoke.
That is an actual health risk when baby is under 6months old. Moms who smoke can't co-sleep because even after a change of clothes, there is enough third hand smoke in her breath and in her skin to increase SIDS risk by a lot
My cousin (in her 30’s with a 3 year old of her own) put her FINGER in my 1 month old baby’s mouth while holding him the other day. I said he was hungry so I went into kitchen to get bottle. I come back out… she has her whole ass finger in his mouth to “see if he was hungry” and he was sucking away on it. I was seething. I know when my kid is hungry, and get your nasty hands out!!! So I’m taking a break having people hold my kid for a while unless it’s my husband or grandparents (they are around often).
Ohmygod! I thought i was the only one who had this type of thing happen: my nieces (ages 7-11) were hanging out with mg nearly-4 month old baby and proudly said they put their finger in her mouth to feel what it felt like. She didn’t get sick but I STILL feel rage, months later
Your last sentence is the key. The village people want is people they know and trust, maybe even relatives. Not that weird lady in the supermarket who feels lonely so she proceeds to touch a strangers baby... I am totally ok to let *trusted* people hold and touch my baby, they dont push me or demand to hold her. And if I feel overprotective that day and no one gets to hold her they will totally understand it.
I let a friend hold my baby when she was a week old, and he kissed her head before I even knew what was happening. I was a little horrified... I kinda thought people knew better these days, but not everybody does.
With that being said, I've loved seeing my parents and siblings and grandparents hold her. It really just depends on who it is.
I wouldn’t be surprised if the general population tends to feel the way you do. Most people don’t post/vent about their positive experiences so it can feel like those are rare in the real world when in fact it’s the norm. I agree with another poster that this is so personal. I’m glad to hear you’ve had people hold your baby and that it was an experience that brought you joy. For the most part I feel the same way that you do! I love seeing my daughter bring joy to others and we’re fortunate enough that our families don’t engage in behaviors that we’re uncomfortable with when it comes to holding our daughter. She’s almost two now, but we’re expecting another so I’m sure she this time around I’ll appreciate the helping hands even more!
Agreed dude. We go to family functions and I’m like, please take her. I love my baby but I need a break. Let me eat and drink and enjoy myself for a while. Edit: downvoting me for this is wild lol. Edit 2: changing girl to dude cause you’re a dad lol
It really does help our so much when someone else is willing to give you a break and hold them. It’s so nice to have good people around who want to help.
Agree 100%. It’s okay to share your baby with people especially those who love them too and just want to help you! Plus, you’ll have them back soon enough lol
For sure. Babies are cute! It’s hard for people to not want to hold them and cuddle them. One of my close friend’s had a new baby a while back and I just couldn’t wait to hold her! She was so tiny and precious. Reminded me of when my daughter was that small. So yeah I don’t immediately someone wants to cause my kid harm in some way.
thank you for posting this. I have def seen a lopsidedly high amount of the anti-holding posts since joining this sub.
I think everyone has the right, and their own reasons for setting boundaries.
But I have LOVED passing my baby over to our family and friends. He’s 14 months old now, he recognizes these people, and we are starting to see his relationship with these people that we love and will be around starting to form.
Or what about letting people do whatever they feel comfortable with? Just because you’re ok with having your baby passed around doesn’t mean every mom should.
Sorry everyone is being kind of passive aggressive to you in the comments. They seem to want their viewpoint to be respected but don't seem ready to celebrate that people exist that want a village and are happy to have other people enjoy their baby. I, for one, am with you.
Agreed. I have weird feelings towards the extreme helicopter, overbearing mom's. Like I the majority of people do not want to harm your baby, take a chill pill. But I understand some people genuinely have trust issues or have toxic family members (which I think at that point, if you feel your family is toxic, then don't bring your baby around them. Period)
Hear that 100%, but more often than not it feels like the extreme view is seen as the norm and celebrated as such in these subs. It genuinely makes me so sad when moms on here seem to have this extreme vitriol toward family when 80% of the time the behavior they're describing is just normal baby excitement
Yeah this sub gets wayyyy over the tob about anyone holding their kid. It’s quite sad. Feels like terminally online behavior.
Obviously there’s exceptions for people with crazy family members. But so much of the time people have very regular family and are strange about keeping their baby away from others
My friend wanted to hold my baby but was too scared to even ask because she'd seen such vitriol from people online about it. So I'm glad to see a post like this. It's okay if some parents prefer that people not touch their baby (just as it would be okay to prefer people not touch you) but it's important to push back against it being the only reasonable position.
When my youngest was 4 months old (and had great head control and his most critical vaccines), I brought him to a family picnic and all the aunties absolutely adored getting to hold him. It was a cherished bonding experience for everyone!
I agree. People have become oddly anti-social. The first thing i wanted to do when my baby was born was show him off to my family. Seeing my family fawn over him and love him was heartwarming.
My baby is 6mo and we had his first family event this month, he was passed around various aunts and family friends which I was completely fine with and I think I had such a good experience with the event was because my family generally follow boundaries.
My aunts who all held him passed him back if he got upset or if I asked. One didn't she seemed happy to keep a hold of him but I quickly whisked him out that situation and didn't recieve any dirty looks for it.
No one tried to kiss his face thankfully and anyone holding him would stay in the direct lime of sight of the designated baby carer at that tike which would either be myself, babies dad, my sister or my mother and my sister takes her duty as his aunt very seriously and will constantly trail whoever holding him and wait for him to get passed back 😂 she's still a teenager so too young for her own if she wants them but she's very protective of her nephew.
I let mil hold my son and she wrapped him up in fleece blanket in 34 degree Celsius weather and put let him sleep in a basket balanced on boxes more than 1 metre high.
Reddit might be an echo chamber because normal healthy relationships don't get posted here but if you read the comments plenty of people are comfortable with others holding their babies.
Not everyone is this respectful though 🤷♀️ my FILs gf kept going in to kiss the baby multiple times even though we told her not too. We had to take the baby away m
I let people hold mine. She’s very social and loves it.
I just ask that they don’t kiss her face and I keep her away from sick people or little kids.
We were just at a wedding and all the old ladies loved playing with her toes and making her giggle
Yah people can hold Him but I do care when he’s crying and they walk away with him, or when people are sick and coughing on him…it’s not black and white. And moms who have boundaries usually have reasons too…
The difference is a pleasant situation / environment or not. I would love to have the village thing, but my in laws only come over for themselves. They even speak up about not want to commit to help. But they make so much drama if they can’t hog the baby. I would rather love them to be actual involved instead of fulfilling their own pleasure and then leave
I’m curious if you’ve picked up a new bug in seven days. Every time, hands down, my son would be sick. It’s okay now that he’s older, but he had oxygen issues when he was younger and it was quite scary for us. My keeping him distant from people was 100% the right call for him.
I’m glad that was your experience and that you have a group of people who respect your boundaries. But that is not even remotely universal. I’m not OK with family kissing my baby’s face, but every time I let them hold her it happens and so far she’s gotten sick from it at least twice. And like others have pointed out, the issue we have is when people don’t ask to touch, they just do. Just like if someone touched my face without permission, I would slap their hand away and I would do the same for my baby. I’ve regularly let people who ASK touch her little feet or the top of her head. Very few people are advocating for no one to ever hold their baby. They just want their boundaries respected when they do choose to allow it.
It’s awesome you had a positive experience but not all people do. My husbands family are baby hoggers, snatchers, oversteppers, leaving the room with my screaming baby and not giving her back, just overall entitled people to MY baby. So it’s not ok to let people hold your baby, only if you have a decent relationship with them and they don’t think it’s their baby…..
I agree - I think the village can only work for you if you let it. Take a load off knowing that, when your baby is being held by a friend or family member, that baby is learning love and affection from more and more people. Honestly, my back hurts so much from carrying my baby that when I’m at family events, I shove him into the arms or whomever wants to hold him! lol! It’s okay mamas to take a load off once in a while, I promise!
I love people having cuddles with my baby, she is now 16 months old and will let it well known if she wants someone to hold her or not, we just roll with that.
But, we recently visited Singapore on a family vacation and the amount of people that would reach out just to touch her, or to pinch her thighs was shocking. I will definitely advocate 'no' on her behalf for that.
Honestly I'm lucky because I have a respectful village, but yeah I totally agree. I'm the mom who goes to the function and says ok who wants the baby so I can have a couple hours hands free. As long as he's in my sight and its only people I know, and if he cries/I ask for him back he is handed straight to me, I love having other people take over baby entertainment so I can have real conversations with adults who understand what I'm saying.
Im happy for those that can do this. Our baby cries if anyone but us gets close to them or picks them up. It sucks cause we would love to let our family hold our baby but she just fusses and cries the whole time. 😞
Sounds like your village didn’t refuse to support the newborn baby’s neck or head when holding, or deliberately expose them to bronchitis at 5 days old, sly off with them drunk and down a steep flight of stairs when told not to or shove them in their reactive dogs face every chance they get so they can “make friends”.
Not every situation is the same, not all families are great and above all Postpartum anxiety really isn’t a choice for many mothers.
Thank you for sharing a positive experience. I also let my baby get passed around at family functions and stay nearby to keep an eye on him. Luckily I can trust my family and if people cross the line then absolutely I’ll do something about it.
This was written in a way that is really invalidating to others and their feelings. It’s great you were happy to have your baby held. What’s not great is this post which just feels like mom shaming people who feel different.
Agreed. It’s one thing to share a positive experience (which is great and should be welcomed wholeheartedly!) it’s another to lace it with snark and this idea that someone who doesn’t want others holding their kid is somehow doing it wrong or something.
It’s okay to let people hold your baby if you *want* people to hold your baby. It’s okay for people to touch your baby if you *want* people to touch your baby.
A lot of what comes up on here is because people do things that parents don’t want and don’t respect boundaries.
You calling parent behavior ridiculous when someone touches their baby is rude. You don’t know the parents, circumstances, boundaries set, etc. I’m so sick of posts like this. Good for you letting your baby be passed around because you *wanted* it. Let’s stop shitting on other parents.
Glad to hear a reply to those ridiculous posts!
Like you said, doing what has been normal for millenia delivers your child a village and level of resilience.
On the other hand, I'm seeing kids stuck in houses with over controlling, neurotic parents who end up creating fragile kids because they never let them take a risk. And rob them of the village we all need.
Just loosen the f up, people.
Right. There’s someone below complaining about how having a village doesn’t exist anymore. Then go on to list all their reasons on why you shouldn’t let anyone hold your baby. The irony.
It depends on a lot of things: the baby’s personality, their age and the crowd. I totally didn’t mind my daughter being passed around when she was 5 months and it was family I knew well, I was much more protective when she was 2 months old. When she was 10 months old and going through a “clingy” period I felt the need to advocate for her, knowing she would be nervous being held by strangers and out of my sight.
Honestly, I love when people hold my baby too! Neither of my in laws are capable/feel comfortable yet come over for dinner once a week. So not only do I have to host and have all the duties associated with that, I don’t even get a baby duty break.
I kinda agree. I always think about how much my mom hated my grandmother (paternal) but still allowed us to have a relationship. I have the most beautiful relationship with my grandmother. They may not have gotten along but my grandmother didn’t treat me that way. I always deeply respected my mother for allowing us to have that relationship. I love when people (I know and trust) hold my baby. The more love he feels the better imo.
I'm with you. I let friends and family take the baby as they please, I'm genuinely grateful for the break tbh lol. If I had people I did NOT want to hold the baby, then baby wouldn't even be around them for them to get their hands on him in the first place. 🤷♀️
I think some people don’t have family or friends they trust especially around their kid and it upsets them that someone else does. So it personally offends them to hear others feeling differently than them and having what they don’t have.
I mean, when you think about how this behavior is predominantly online only, it absolutely makes sense. I'm glad this isn't the majority. We'd have a lot of unsocialized and socially anxious kids in this generation otherwise. We're supposed to want better for our kids, we're already anxious enough lol.
My husband was thinking that too when i was still pregnant... he said "where I'm from we pass baby around and every one takes care of them!"
then our son was born and he became literally SO PROTECTIVE and wanted NO-ONE to hold him or even visit us before his 3m milestone! Complete turnaround!
I convinced him that our village (friends, family, colleagues) wanted to meet him, and that we'll take necessary precautions like washing hands and sanitising, etc. By month 2, he was more relaxed already lol...
It's my biggest joy to 'show off' my girl, as well as seeing the pure joy my daughter brings to everyone. We have very few children in my family, so it's a huge deal to some people seeing her. And it honestly just makes my heart so happy.
I just came back from a 2 week international trip. I was convinced the plane would be full of child free people hating me for having a baby. People who held my baby: strangers on the plane who were happy to play with her, around 100 friends and family meeting her for the first time, a waitress at a restaurant who wanted me to enjoy my food, I could go on. She is- thank God- perfectly fine, not afraid of new people, and a very happy baby. Reddit is not reflective of real life
While that is great for you, not everyone is in an environment where that is possible especially when it comes to being cautious about people being sick or smokers or taking a gamble with people they don’t really know that well. There is nothing certainly good for everyone when it comes to watching their baby being passed around. I’m glad you had a great experience though.
I tend to agree.
Sort of off topic but I've noticed a lot of my mother friends often refer to their child amongst friends as 'my baby' rather than 'the baby' or [babies name.] I am a mother myself and I obviously love my children but I don't necessarily see them as 'mine.' For one thing they are shared with my partner. They are also their own people, and members of our wider family. I find it quite hostile when people feel that they need to have total ownership over their baby.
I can see that there might be legitimate worries about holding babies depending on maybe a traumatising experience in the person's background, or maybe germ phobia after COVID. But it does also feel like a move in parenting where we feel we should be in control of all of our children's interactions and experiences which doesn't seem healthy to me.
We pretty much let everyone that doesn’t seem like a loon hold our son! We were vacationing in Florida and an older woman commented how beautiful and adorable he was! And my son LOVES people! He extended his arms out and I said “you can hold him if you’d like”! She cried because she said she missed her grown son being that small and was excited to see her grandchildren soon. It was beautiful!
Someone needs to step off their high horse and let others set their own boundaries for their own child.
And before you get all in my business about things, my issue isnt with the opinion you hold for your child, but with how you express it. This post screams, "I love mansplaning everything to everyone". Needlessly condescending title too.
Before I gave birth I was like “no one’s gonna hold my baby” but literally the second I came back from the hospital I was so proud that I wanted my family to hold her and witness her cuteness.
Same! We just went to a family afternoon lunch and our 5 month old was passed around. She loved interacting with different people in different ways and we loved the break of not having to entertain her lol. It was great.
Could not agree with this more! This sub would make you believe it’s a crime to have others hold your kid which is fully isolating from the village we all claim to want. Every family party my seven month old is immediately in the arms of grandmas, aunts, cousins and it’s fantastic! They’re happy, she’s happy, I get to eat without juggling a baby so I’m happy - it’s a win for everyone
I love other people holding and loving my children. It makes me so happy. And getting a moment while baby is passed around is amazing. It’s the village I want. My friends are my babies aunties, my family doesn’t love on my children the same way, which is a huge bummer.
Yeah having a village is pretty much the norm where I’m from. I’ve noticed it’s a lot less common here in the US. It’s sad to see. I wonder if you’re getting downvoted the people who don’t have that are upset to hear someone else does and they don’t. Or they don’t let anyone hold their baby and they’re taking personally offense to someone feeling the opposite about their own child. People are wired.
People are so weird! I didn’t even realize I was getting downvoted before lol. I genuinely love other people loving my children, the more people that love them the better for them and for me is how I see it. I don’t even think there’s anything controversial about that!
This sub is full of weird toxic people, I personally have never heard of this being a thing, all of my friends have kids and we are pregnant with our first - I would say don’t let a vocal minority assume they are the majority.
My step sister took my baby at a wedding and fed him mashed potatoes. He's dairy intolerant.
For me...it's not the holding my baby. It's the NEED to feed them!
Someone tried feeding my 4 month old watermelon once and I was like...no, we're not doing solids yet...
I swear it was like pulling teeth to make sure no one fed my baby with allergies who hadn't been properly exposed to soy, eggs, etc...
I agree with the post, I think sometimes people (this sub) are too sensitive about some things. This is a good place to vent about family members that overstep boundaries, I think. Everyone's experience is different. I am so happy for you that you have family you trust, though ❤️
I love seeing many people hold my baby. When I feel their intentions aren't good or they don't have my best interests and the interests of my baby at heart I can't stand seeing them hold my baby. It's as if they're just possessive of my baby when they have him and I don't like that.
Or anyone who tells me how to parent my baby when they've literally seen him one time and know nothing about him at all.
My first family outing was Easter last year. My daughter was almost 2 months. The entire time I had a mental breakdown of “who is that holding my child??” (It was my wife’s family.) Now, I’m okay with it unless I see them kissing on her face.
It’s okay. However, I don’t appreciate carrying my baby while I’m talking to someone and another person poking at me and saying “hey!” repeatedly bc they want to carry my baby
My problem isn’t with people holding him. It’s as soon as I get to my in-laws mil barely acknowledges me, claps her hands at me saying to have him and walks off with him. I don’t get him back the whole visit, she stands in his eye view so he can’t see me, turns her back if I need to check his nappy, when he cries walks off and doesn’t give him back. same when she is at my house. She wants to come over everyday and I feel like an incubator. My family however visit to see me, talk to me and they love watching me with him, they wait until I’m ready to say hold him and I feel like a person. They give him back if I need to feed him. They don’t question what I am doing. So yeh. I hate it
This is like when people have an angel husband. The grass is brown and dying over on my side of the fence. Anti Vax, licking, kissing, opioid using monsters!
My MIL is a Saint! Sadly she lives on the other side of the country.We see husband's family twice a year and I wish it was more!
I’m glad you had a great experience! I think perhaps what you’re interpreting as group think might just be people who have had really bad interactions venting to other new parents who may have similar experiences.
I am happy to let my baby hang out with my family. I do wish it didn’t feel like a grand tour every time that inevitably leads to spit up everywhere from being passed around and an extremely cranky baby who can’t get comfortable enough to nap. We live a few hours from my family so whenever we see my parents it’s like the logic in their brain gets overridden and they are lunging to snatch the baby from my hands. Last time they did this I said baby needed to eat because she didn’t in the car ride and my mom took her anyway - baby screamed and cried and was so upset.
It’s not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but I wish that the village understood babies are also people, not an oxytocin hot potato to be passed around. Their needs trump adults’ desires to hold them.
Im a FTM, 4 weeks in, and yesterday I invited family over to meet with baby boy. I just asked that everyone wash their hands and no one kiss him. I let everyone have a turn with him, but ultimately he cried until he was back with me and everyone respected that. It was nice giving each person a chance to hold him and I love that everyone respected my no kissing boundary. The only person who kept making comments about not being able to kiss him was my mom. I’m a lab scientist and work with various virus. I explained to my mom that at 1 month he just doesn’t have an immune system yet and I would like to take precautions with people putting their mouths of him. She could still cuddle him and show him affection, just no mouth on baby. I was kissed as a baby and caught a virus (roseola)and I had to remind my mom the hell we both went through when I was just a few days old.
As long as people respect what my husband and I have set out as boundaries I really don’t mind people holding him or touching him. But everyone should do what they’re comfortable with and being a new mom it’s completely normal to be anxious about new experiences.
Yeah but not if they won't give baby back when it's time to feed baby. Also you don't have to when they're super tiny and still forming and immune system
I was very lenient with letting people hold my baby and taking him around everywhere with me. Then we spent weeks in the hospital while he was being treated from Group B strep that possibly turned into meningitis. There are risks. That's all I'm saying.
I believe that it should be up to the individual parent to decide.
If you are in an environment you feel comfortable in, and you have no anxiety with your child being held and passed from family member to family member, that's okay.
It's also okay if you don't feel comfortable and decide to keep your child in your arms the entire time.
Every parent as to do what they feel is best for their own child within reason, and shouldn't be shamed for it or pressured to do the opposite of what they are comfortable doing.
You know your child best.
My favorite thing to do is to take my baby to one of my fire stations.
I work for the state fire department.
Fire bro's turn into putty over a baby (even though they usually have like 4 of their own).
I get a break and they get their fix.
My sone gets some socialization.
(I don't have family to rely on)
If I go to a family function, I love and expect that my baby will be held by others the whole time unless I ask for him back or he gets upset…. Especially once past the newborn phase.
He’s high energy and interested in everything so getting passed around being doted on is definitely something he approves of.
Mommy is tired and wants a break. Please pass around my baby for a few hours and entertain him!
I had bad postpartum depression and anxiety after giving birth to my first baby. Birth was a little traumatic and no one understood me. I got really bad anxiety when anyone would take my baby from me or even try to hold her. I was looked at as the bad guy for not wanting to share my baby when she was really the only thing that made me feel better. If you’re reading this and you don’t understand then you can consider yourself lucky. If you’re reading this and you DO understand; hang in there. It will get better and don’t be afraid to get professional help.
Not trying to invalidate your positive experience. But people have had negative ones, baby ending up with RSV and all. My baby has some kind of Ezcema. Only on his face I think because people kept touching and kissing his cheeks. His face was finally clear after over 6 months of trying different things and seeing a specialist.
We recently travelled and people kissed his cheeks without asking if it’s okay to do. I totally blamed myself for not telling them. We came back home with rashes on his face where he was kissed and some marks on his face which were never there before. One particular person kept kissing and trying to put his mouth in my baby’s mouth after I specifically asked not to do that because the person has a cough, which might be flu. People carry germs and my baby has a very sensitive skin. Just because some people are not careful with babies and some will just push your boundaries, some people have just decided to it is better safe than sorry.
Will I allow people to carry my baby? YES, depending on the situation. I will also most likely tell them not to
Kiss or touch the baby’s cheeks.
So, like someone said. People have had horrible experiences.
I remember someone told me their baby who has never been sick got sick at a family function because of course people wants to carry baby, cute. One adult put his spoon in the baby’s mouth.
I don’t mind people holding my kids. I do mind: - People not asking and just demanding - People walking away with them - People who don’t acknowledge me before asking for/ demanding the baby - People offering the baby to other people without checking with me first Most of the time people are respectful of that! My husband and I were recently parked outside an ice cream shop. An elderly couple got out of the car next to us and I heard the lady saying to her husband ‘You go in, I just need to see this baby!’ She came over, asked to see him (she was so excited I was already opening the door ready 😂) Didn’t touch other than a little hand shake and just chatted about how she used to be a paeds nurse and that her grandkids and great-grandkids (7 of them) spend all her money. It was so sweet.
This but also - people that hog the baby when I have brought baby to a family function My husband's aunt took our son at my nieces bday party and didn't want to let anyone else hold him, even though other aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc who hadn't seen him much wanted their turn. I had to ask for him back just so I could hand him to the person next to her.
Exactly. OP is saying this because she had a pleasant experience.. many of us dont come across polite people which taints it for future interactions
I also think that people are more like to post negative experiences than good ones (this goes for any type of post, not just about people holding your baby)
That’s true, but negative posts/comments are also far more likely to get attention when they are posted too. Algorithms love controversy.
Yes, that was my whole point.
I love showing off and sharing my baby with people when they're decent about it, and thankfully, most are! But yeah bad experiences can flare that mama bear instinct and make it hard to want to share.
I have such an amazing group of mam friends where I live and they always ask for baby snuggles. I’ll happily hand him over for a break so I can grab a cuppa and have a chat. But they always ask and stay in sight and don’t pass him around etc. Plus we all look out for each other (military family) and it’s great to have the type of friends who’ll keep an eye on my toddler whilst I breastfeed or will treat my kitchen as their own and help themselves/ help clear up during play dates (usually against my insistence not to and I’ll get to it once baby is fed etc.) I’m very lucky.
That sounds amazing
He*
In addition to this, people at a family function I don’t know telling others what to do with the baby. I went to our cousins daughter’s 2nd birthday party when my baby was 2 weeks old, my husbands cousin was holding her when someone I didnt know took her from our cousins arms and handed her to someone who said when she walked in the door she was feeling unwell and didn’t want to hold the baby but “our cousin had to do other things”. I was literally standing in front of her and could have taken my baby back.
My husband's sweet nieces want to play with their tiny cousin but they went to their mom to ask for permission. I had to tell them that their mom isn't my babies mom and that they need to ask me as well. They got it after the second time lol. It was cute because it's obvious they ask their mom for permission to do everything and she's the boss in their eyes. They're 10+
"People who don’t acknowledge me before asking for/ demanding the baby" This. This has to be one of the things that grinds me the most. Not looking at me but just at the baby and saying things like "Oh, I think it's abour time you come with me" and just grabs the baby from my arms... The sheer nerve of it makes me freeze though since it's often people like my MIL that will do it. I dont want to start a ruffle but i domt know how to react. I find it so insulting although i understand it's just pure joy from her end...
So the worst one was at a wedding. Baby was 3mo, and we attended a dinner hosted by the bride’s parents the night before the wedding. Her mother whom I’d never met walked up and said ‘Oh he’s sleeping, I wanted to hold him’. She literally didn’t even say hello or introduce herself to me. It pissed me off so much I made sure she had 0 opportunity to even see the baby, let alone hold him! And when others came up to me and I could see they were aiming for the baby, I loudly turned the conversation into how people have been rudely demanding the baby without so much as a ‘hello’. So Instead of asking for the baby and risk looking rude, they were agreeing with me - telling me I ‘looked great for 3mo PP!’ and that they completely agreed it was a good idea not to play ‘Pass the baby’…
Same rules as a Joint, basically.
😂😂😂😂
The walking away is it for me. I hate it. Also acting like holding is the only way to interact with her. She’s a baby but she’s still a human being.
I have a three year old and my cousin in law has a five month old. We're currently at our family reunion and talking daycare, sleep training, breast feeding and all these shared experiences. I had to check myself before offering her son to an older aunt, "Is it okay if Diane holds him?" To an enthusiastic "Sure!"
YES to all of your points listed!!! 🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌 I feel like there are some people respectful of it but it's a risk because if they're not it causes a situation you either have to feel uncomfortable sitting in or attempt to tactfully address and get your baby back. For your point 3! I was explaining how hurtful it was to my SIL when someone doesn't even acknowledge you and just tries to take the baby, I was like I need at least a hello. Her response : "idk why you need that, can't you just understand we're excited about the baby" 🙃🙃🙃🙃
Lol I have a very heavy baby, and I love when my friends know they can just walk up and take him without asking.
I think there are a lot of topics on this sub that people feel very strongly about which can be intimidating for a new parent searching for advice. I see phrases like 'privileged" and "well not everyone has that reality" thrown around but the same thing can be said for the other side. Not everyone has had a bad experience with family, and some people want visitors to come and hold the baby after birth rather than clean and there shouldnt be guilt associated with that. I think a both sides are important to people looking for support but advice should be taken with a grain of salt and adjusted to what you feel is right for you.
Definitely! Bringing a baby into this world is hard enough without being shamed on reddit. Both sides make valid points but it comes down to an individual’s preferences which will largely be informed by experience. I will say that instincts are importantly— people who I trust most with my daughter are the ones who make me feel most comfortable and respect my boundaries. I feel much more vigilant about people who have pushed my boundaries in the past even if the issue was unrelated.
It’s okay to do whatever you feel comfortable with your baby. Some people are not okay with their baby being passed around for a multitude of reasons (like family being boundary stompers). Some people are okay with their baby being passed around. Whatever choice you make is okay.
Exactly. And you can change your mind too. I didn’t want anyone to hold my first baby but with my second I’m much more comfortable with it.
I really adore this answer. It’s truly a personal preference, and that’s okay.
Yes, that’s what I mean. But I think the preponderance of posts here is that no one should touch your baby ever. My point is, if that’s what you want, then let it happen! They’ll be fine.
This! It is up to the baby’s parents. Just because OP doesn’t mind it, doesn’t mean it is objectively correct. It is a subjective judgment call. It is not a group think situation for me. I’ve always been an introverted, nervous and careful person. That extends to my parenting. I don’t trust other people not to drop my son, to fully support his neck, to not kiss him, and to be honest about being sick. My pediatrician also advised not to unnecessarily expose my baby to other people until he is fully vaccinated. So passing a baby around to a bunch of randos doesn’t exactly follow that. I don’t like other people holding my baby and as the parent, I have the unilateral authority to exercise that preference.
I think you’re just lucky your family just holds the baby/gives it back when asked. My family kissed my sons with active cold sores, would walk away with baby, would refuse to give baby back when asked (and I didn’t ask for no reason, baby was either crying or needed something), and my dad tried feeding my son (3 months at the time) ice cream. How am I supposed to be okay after saying “please don’t kiss our child, you have a cold sore/its RSV season” and then having that person IMMEDIATELY kiss my son and then laugh and say “I’m sorry! I can’t help it!” It’s great that your family respects your boundaries, not everyone is that lucky.
This. 100%. Totally depends on your experience / people around you as to how you respond. I've gone into situations excited to share my newborn and come away thinking wtf am I a neglectful parent for passing her to someone who did that?! Equally, I have been very apprehensive about a situation and actually both baby and the visitor/ (stranger sometimes!) Have had an ace time (with nothing unsafe/ uncomfortable happening) People have new and surprising sides where babies are concerned, you never can be 100% sure if their behaviour
I can relate completely. I am currently so beyond pissed off at my husband's family for kissing my baby on the face against my wishes and grabbing her when he's holding her. Guess what? My baby and I are now sick because of how irresponsible they were at a recent birthday party. After getting into a massive fight with them to no avail, I will no longer be letting that happen. I'm holding my baby and saying no to everyone in his family when I decide that it's not safe/ok for them to hold her. We have to be so tough as mom's.
Jesus christ reading this made me genuinely angry.
Now that my baby isn’t super new and I don’t have to be as worried about illness, the only other concern is people kissing their face and hands. If I could trust people wouldn’t try to sneak one in, by all means take my baby. Show him around the house and look at all the light fixtures his little heart desires.
Same here. The no kissing rule has caused quite the drama with some of our family
But then you catch them kissing their face…,
Right after asking them not to 🤦♀️
Yup!!! The worst. They have zero respect or common sense.
- it's ok to let people hold your baby - it's ok to not let people hold your baby Either way, you're the parent. Do what you feel is best for your kid within reasonable medical and scientific advice.
I think we just let people parent the way they want to parent and we don’t judge them. It’s rather simple.
You have to think about the baby too. Not all babies like to be passed around.
10000000000% agree!! My child was NOT about to be passed around if he had anything to say about it. He wanted his aunt, his dad and I. That was it. No one else apparently passed the vibe check with him. Hahahha
I had a similar positive experience! I honestly thought I would be really uncomfortable with people holding my baby! My LO was born beginning of January and we felt comfortable going to a small Super Bowl party with our church small group that was 3 other families! All 3 of the women held my daughter and were super respectful about washing hands and anything else without me even asking. They even offered her back to me regularly and especially if she was starting to cry so I never had to ask! I think part of my comfort was definitely in knowing they all could be trusted and that I had gotten to get the RSV vaccine and definitely felt more comfortable knowing LO had some additional protections from me! Everyone has their own comfort and there is absolutely nothing wrong with whatever parents choose is best for them!!! I do totally agree it’s nice to have stories from both sides once in a while so thank you for sharing your experience!
I understand your point, I've seen some extreme feelings on here and I understand wanting to counter that. It's just a delicate topic, some people feel very strongly that it's not ok, and I think it is very much a personal choice
I'm more scared of baby getting sick than anything else
Parents have to decide what they’re comfortable with for their own children. If you’re happy to have your child passed around, it’s your choice. But people don’t have to feel bad for not letting their children be held if they’re not comfortable with it. We all have our reasons for the choices we make.
Obviously parents get to decide. Seems like OP is just trying to provide some counter-perspective to the typical posts on this topic. And that might be valuable, lest any parents who are otherwise comfortable with it feel like they’re doing something wrong when they read this sub.
Well, he provided a counter example while being extremely judgmental about the other side.
The only time I've had an issue was when my oldest was younger a family friend was holding him and he was crying obviously reaching out to me and she refused to give him back for a while; insisting he doesnt need me. Like read the room lady give the crying baby back
Omg did you snatch him back? I would’ve
Not exactly. I told her a few times to please give him back and then finally I told her he clearly wants me ill go ahead and take him now. I was still finding my voice as a first time mom. I'm more seasoned now 😂😂 also just had my 2nd a few weeks ago
My wife’s aunt was the same and our baby clearly wanted me or her mom but my wife’s aunt wouldn’t hand her back like lady she’s my kid
I was always happy to let my baby be passed around by family members, but I still have boundaries. For the first 4ish months I was very adamant about washing hands before holding baby and not kissing him (I let his grandparents kiss him, but didn’t let anyone else.) I’d make a cute game out of it…. I’d announce, “first one to wash their hands gets to take the baby!” And giggle as everyone raced to the sink.
It depends on how much you trust your family. Not everyone has a family they can trust. I'm very fortunate that we are super close with both of our families and there's a lot of young kids so everyone is pretty up to date on baby care and safety so I was comfortable with everyone holding her and watching her but that's not the case for everyone
I totally understand that some people have not so trustworthy families, but I'm genuinely curious - if that's the case, why even bring baby around them to begin with? I wouldn't even bring my baby around people I didn't trust.
Because there's a huge gray area between trusting to hold the baby and carry them around vs not even letting them see the baby ever. Like everything in life, there's nuance. Reddit loves to scream just go no contact for every little thing but that's not reality
Well, I'm certainly not in that camp. But if I believed that anyone was out to get my kid or had bad intentions toward them, you can bet your tuckus I'd keep my kid away. I get if the person has done something wrong and didn't acknowledge it or apologize, but just to never give anyone the opportunity could be completely detrimental to the kids' social skills later.
Yes of course whatever you feel comfortable with
We let people hold baby, too. I think most people do. We ask that everyone washes their hands. Most people know instinctively not to start kissing baby… but at the same time, when it happens, it happens. Babies are going to catch little bugs, build antibodies — it’s part of growing up. Reddit can over-index on conflict and negative experiences sometimes. I don’t think the panicky posts on here are representative of parents generally.
Sure people can hold your baby if they’re respectful. You don’t always know what someone is going to do though, like the other day I let a fellow new parent say hello to our baby and he touched her face with his visibly dirty, nail-bitten-to-the-quick finger and rubbed her cheek. Like why 😩 it’s just the unexpected things that tick people off. Most parents aren’t fearful of someone holding their baby. They’re just afraid of very (to us) obvious boundaries being crossed even by well-meaning people who should absolutely know better. It’s just all about personal choice. Respect parent’s boundaries, period.
Sounds like you have a good healthy relationship with your family and they respect your boundaries. Not everyone is so privileged.
This.
True, but the stories skew negative on reddit and forums. I understand wanting to counter that.
Yeah, but the post reads as kind of snarky. There’s ways of providing a positive light that don’t involve bringing down others.
Absolutely got snarky, which is fine but don't go judging others for what they choose for their kids! It's okay to have a different view, it's not okay to belittle others that are doing differently. We are all just trying to be the best parents we can be, after all!
I’m not sure if this is just a US thing? I live in Ireland and the only time we wouldn’t have let family or friends hold our babies was during Covid. I totally understand concerns regarding germs, illnesses and pushy family members but I’m wondering if this is a cultural thing? Nobody I know would come and visit a new baby if they were ill, that just seems like common sense to me.
Nah I live in the US and I'm happy to let anyone hold my kids. We were very cautious about germs when he was born in December but once we hit April, I'm happy to bring him to a party and let folks pass him around. He already goes to the library and story time and etc. I figured it's just because I'm an old mom.
I do know that having a village isn’t as common here in the US as it is in some other countries. In my culture everyone is always so willing to help each other out especially new moms, including strangers. If I was having a rough time in public and my baby was crying, people would immediately walk over and try to help how they could. The culture here is so different and you typically don’t see that. Not saying it doesn’t happen just doesn’t seem common as common like where I’m from. Also the culture here seems to be so anti children and mothers sometimes. You’ll get stink eyes if you kid is crying in public. I can’t imagine freaking out over someone touching my baby. I don’t immediately think they mean harm. I think it might be a mix of postpartum depression and/or anxiety for some.
It's an online thing. I don't know anyone in real life who acts the way I see moms in this sub acting about people holding babies
Yea, it’s a Reddit thing. Some of the posts in here are wild. People seem shocked and appalled that others love their baby and want to hold them.
Ok this makes sense! Some of the posts I’ve seen a borderline hysterical
I actually find it very sad for them. I would be lost without my village
>I don't know anyone in real life who acts the way I see moms in this sub acting about people holding babies Or who freaks out if someone calls their child "my baby", and acts like that means they are going to literally steal the child away from you vs using it as a loving expression. 🙄
Holy shit this. It particularly makes me sad when I hear them complain about their moms and MILs saying this. I can't imagine how emotional an experience it would be to hold your child's child, especially when your child is grown at that point and not your baby anymore. My daughter came out looking just like my husband. Watching my MIL hold her and cry and say "she looks just like my baby" was one of the most beautiful experiences I've ever shared with her.
i am lucky to have very nice family around that it feels like a village as my sil has 2 kids and when we all are together we just all look after the kids its so much easier and i do love that my baby enjoys the time with other people ... we have neighbor who is so close to us and she loves him and loves to be held by him... but noone tries to kiss her or do somethinger over the boundries that said i do get the other side of people here who hate that their baby is passed around as not everyone has that healthy / good relationship with their family members i do struggle with some other stuff with my family as any other family do we are not one happy rainbow family but i am thankful that my baby can spend time with others
When my daughter was 5 months, I didn’t mind her being passed around! It’s when people felt like they could demand to do the same when she was like 3 weeks old… There’s so much nuance in these convos we’re having on the internet that just cannot be explained
It’s ok to let parents do what they feel is comfortable and allow what’s necessary to protect that comfort. As long as everything is safe both emotionally and physically then it’s ok to maintain boundaries.
This take actually makes me really happy. It's really nice to finally capture that village feeling again.
Thanks for your post ! I have the same feeling about a lot of things read around here, made me doubt myself - « should I let baby be held ? » In real life, the answer is mostly yes - and I feel it’s so nice to see the wonder in my babies eyes, and hapiness in theirs :)
It is so rewarding to watch others, especially family, bond with the baby. And the baby loves it, too. Holding a baby is one of the most special feelings… and even if you are a parent, they aren’t babies for long. I’m so sad that my youngest will be out of that phase before I know it. To give other people that joy, those warm fuzzies, is a gift!
I'm similar to you, and I felt like something was wrong with me because everyone online seems to be very aggressive about not letting people hold their baby. But I don't know their story much like they don't know mine. Raise your baby how you see fit. I see the point of your post, and I don't think you were trying to shame anyone, just giving a different perspective.
God forbid you have a differing opinion… good lord, people.
It's such terminally online behavior to suggest family wanting to hold a baby is some kind of violent boundary crossing
I feel like most people commenting completely missed her last paragraph. Like she wasn't trying to change people's minds, she was just offering her experience with it. And I totally get her point of how aggressive some people come off in those type of posts. Is it needed sometimes with overbearing people that don't get the point. Yes. Is it needed in every one of these situations I've seen people freak out about in these posts. No.
Honestly, I’m assuming that most of them stopped reading before they even got to that part. Which, we’re on Reddit, so… 🤷🏼♀️ But I completely agree with you and OP. Yes, there are times that people do inappropriate things with/around your children. But not *every* person that you encounter is out to hurt you or your baby. Illness is also a thing whether you let people hold your children or not. But the point is, do what you want with *your* baby, and just keep scrolling if you don’t agree with someone’s opinion. Polite debate about the topic is one thing, but some of these people are just plain rude for no reason. Lol
It’s also helpful for me to remember that Reddit is a microcosm of the actual parent population. I see so many stories on here of complete strangers grabbing babies and kissing them, just acting inappropriate with children in general. I’ve never experienced that or know anyone who has.
Good for you for having a family that respects boundaries. Perhaps not everyone is in the same situation.
My 99 year old grandfather advised I shouldn't "be promiscuous in letting people hold the baby". He's a pretty smart guy.
I read this post and some comments, moved on and came back because I kept thinking about it. I’m a first time mom of a now 19 month old. I lived on this sub while I was pregnant. Because of the posts I read and general culture of this sub, I had many rules. No visitors in the hospital, no visitors the first two weeks, skipping out on the first set of holiday (October baby), etc. Thank fucking God my mom came anyway and my in-laws respected our boundaries but were there on a moment’s notice when we needed them… which was right away. I don’t get the “can’t hold my baby thing.” I was delighted to let other people hold my baby because I immediately recognized that both my baby and I needed a village, but also how happy it made our parents. I needed all their advice and tips and tricks and would have been so completely lost with “no visitors the first two weeks.” Maybe I had an especially hard newborn, but I definitely wasn’t as prepared as I thought I was.
I love this perspective. I’m really exhausted by how miserable some people seem about parenting, like everything is the end of the world, everything’s an issue. Really cool to hear someone feel good 😊
It’s also ok to not…
My main issue is people in my family smoke cigarettes heavily and they reek. My grandma will pass my son off to them and when I get him back he reeeeeks of smoke.
That is an actual health risk when baby is under 6months old. Moms who smoke can't co-sleep because even after a change of clothes, there is enough third hand smoke in her breath and in her skin to increase SIDS risk by a lot
I don't mind people holding my kid if they ask permission, don't pout if I say no, give her back if she cries. It's really basic consideration
My cousin (in her 30’s with a 3 year old of her own) put her FINGER in my 1 month old baby’s mouth while holding him the other day. I said he was hungry so I went into kitchen to get bottle. I come back out… she has her whole ass finger in his mouth to “see if he was hungry” and he was sucking away on it. I was seething. I know when my kid is hungry, and get your nasty hands out!!! So I’m taking a break having people hold my kid for a while unless it’s my husband or grandparents (they are around often).
Ohmygod! I thought i was the only one who had this type of thing happen: my nieces (ages 7-11) were hanging out with mg nearly-4 month old baby and proudly said they put their finger in her mouth to feel what it felt like. She didn’t get sick but I STILL feel rage, months later
Your last sentence is the key. The village people want is people they know and trust, maybe even relatives. Not that weird lady in the supermarket who feels lonely so she proceeds to touch a strangers baby... I am totally ok to let *trusted* people hold and touch my baby, they dont push me or demand to hold her. And if I feel overprotective that day and no one gets to hold her they will totally understand it.
I let a friend hold my baby when she was a week old, and he kissed her head before I even knew what was happening. I was a little horrified... I kinda thought people knew better these days, but not everybody does. With that being said, I've loved seeing my parents and siblings and grandparents hold her. It really just depends on who it is.
I wouldn’t be surprised if the general population tends to feel the way you do. Most people don’t post/vent about their positive experiences so it can feel like those are rare in the real world when in fact it’s the norm. I agree with another poster that this is so personal. I’m glad to hear you’ve had people hold your baby and that it was an experience that brought you joy. For the most part I feel the same way that you do! I love seeing my daughter bring joy to others and we’re fortunate enough that our families don’t engage in behaviors that we’re uncomfortable with when it comes to holding our daughter. She’s almost two now, but we’re expecting another so I’m sure she this time around I’ll appreciate the helping hands even more!
If you have a respectful village you are lucky and you should use it as you're comfortable!
Agreed dude. We go to family functions and I’m like, please take her. I love my baby but I need a break. Let me eat and drink and enjoy myself for a while. Edit: downvoting me for this is wild lol. Edit 2: changing girl to dude cause you’re a dad lol
It really does help our so much when someone else is willing to give you a break and hold them. It’s so nice to have good people around who want to help.
Agree 100%. It’s okay to share your baby with people especially those who love them too and just want to help you! Plus, you’ll have them back soon enough lol
For sure. Babies are cute! It’s hard for people to not want to hold them and cuddle them. One of my close friend’s had a new baby a while back and I just couldn’t wait to hold her! She was so tiny and precious. Reminded me of when my daughter was that small. So yeah I don’t immediately someone wants to cause my kid harm in some way.
thank you for posting this. I have def seen a lopsidedly high amount of the anti-holding posts since joining this sub. I think everyone has the right, and their own reasons for setting boundaries. But I have LOVED passing my baby over to our family and friends. He’s 14 months old now, he recognizes these people, and we are starting to see his relationship with these people that we love and will be around starting to form.
Or what about letting people do whatever they feel comfortable with? Just because you’re ok with having your baby passed around doesn’t mean every mom should.
Sorry everyone is being kind of passive aggressive to you in the comments. They seem to want their viewpoint to be respected but don't seem ready to celebrate that people exist that want a village and are happy to have other people enjoy their baby. I, for one, am with you.
Agreed. I have weird feelings towards the extreme helicopter, overbearing mom's. Like I the majority of people do not want to harm your baby, take a chill pill. But I understand some people genuinely have trust issues or have toxic family members (which I think at that point, if you feel your family is toxic, then don't bring your baby around them. Period)
Hear that 100%, but more often than not it feels like the extreme view is seen as the norm and celebrated as such in these subs. It genuinely makes me so sad when moms on here seem to have this extreme vitriol toward family when 80% of the time the behavior they're describing is just normal baby excitement
EXACTLY
How about it’s okay to do what you feel comfortable with?
I mean, some people? Sure. But I'm not handing my daughter over to John "The Baby Eater" Bradley from down the street.
Whatever choice mom feels comfortable with is the right choice. 😌
Yeah this sub gets wayyyy over the tob about anyone holding their kid. It’s quite sad. Feels like terminally online behavior. Obviously there’s exceptions for people with crazy family members. But so much of the time people have very regular family and are strange about keeping their baby away from others
My friend wanted to hold my baby but was too scared to even ask because she'd seen such vitriol from people online about it. So I'm glad to see a post like this. It's okay if some parents prefer that people not touch their baby (just as it would be okay to prefer people not touch you) but it's important to push back against it being the only reasonable position. When my youngest was 4 months old (and had great head control and his most critical vaccines), I brought him to a family picnic and all the aunties absolutely adored getting to hold him. It was a cherished bonding experience for everyone!
I agree. People have become oddly anti-social. The first thing i wanted to do when my baby was born was show him off to my family. Seeing my family fawn over him and love him was heartwarming.
My baby is 6mo and we had his first family event this month, he was passed around various aunts and family friends which I was completely fine with and I think I had such a good experience with the event was because my family generally follow boundaries. My aunts who all held him passed him back if he got upset or if I asked. One didn't she seemed happy to keep a hold of him but I quickly whisked him out that situation and didn't recieve any dirty looks for it. No one tried to kiss his face thankfully and anyone holding him would stay in the direct lime of sight of the designated baby carer at that tike which would either be myself, babies dad, my sister or my mother and my sister takes her duty as his aunt very seriously and will constantly trail whoever holding him and wait for him to get passed back 😂 she's still a teenager so too young for her own if she wants them but she's very protective of her nephew.
I let mil hold my son and she wrapped him up in fleece blanket in 34 degree Celsius weather and put let him sleep in a basket balanced on boxes more than 1 metre high. Reddit might be an echo chamber because normal healthy relationships don't get posted here but if you read the comments plenty of people are comfortable with others holding their babies.
Not everyone is this respectful though 🤷♀️ my FILs gf kept going in to kiss the baby multiple times even though we told her not too. We had to take the baby away m
Well I’m glad someone has a fictional family haha I wish I could do this
I let people hold mine. She’s very social and loves it. I just ask that they don’t kiss her face and I keep her away from sick people or little kids. We were just at a wedding and all the old ladies loved playing with her toes and making her giggle
Yah people can hold Him but I do care when he’s crying and they walk away with him, or when people are sick and coughing on him…it’s not black and white. And moms who have boundaries usually have reasons too…
The difference is a pleasant situation / environment or not. I would love to have the village thing, but my in laws only come over for themselves. They even speak up about not want to commit to help. But they make so much drama if they can’t hog the baby. I would rather love them to be actual involved instead of fulfilling their own pleasure and then leave
I’m curious if you’ve picked up a new bug in seven days. Every time, hands down, my son would be sick. It’s okay now that he’s older, but he had oxygen issues when he was younger and it was quite scary for us. My keeping him distant from people was 100% the right call for him.
I’m glad that was your experience and that you have a group of people who respect your boundaries. But that is not even remotely universal. I’m not OK with family kissing my baby’s face, but every time I let them hold her it happens and so far she’s gotten sick from it at least twice. And like others have pointed out, the issue we have is when people don’t ask to touch, they just do. Just like if someone touched my face without permission, I would slap their hand away and I would do the same for my baby. I’ve regularly let people who ASK touch her little feet or the top of her head. Very few people are advocating for no one to ever hold their baby. They just want their boundaries respected when they do choose to allow it.
I think people only get upset about this when people they don’t like hold their baby. Then they look for an excuse to be mean to them or rant online.
It’s awesome you had a positive experience but not all people do. My husbands family are baby hoggers, snatchers, oversteppers, leaving the room with my screaming baby and not giving her back, just overall entitled people to MY baby. So it’s not ok to let people hold your baby, only if you have a decent relationship with them and they don’t think it’s their baby…..
I agree - I think the village can only work for you if you let it. Take a load off knowing that, when your baby is being held by a friend or family member, that baby is learning love and affection from more and more people. Honestly, my back hurts so much from carrying my baby that when I’m at family events, I shove him into the arms or whomever wants to hold him! lol! It’s okay mamas to take a load off once in a while, I promise!
And dads.
I love people having cuddles with my baby, she is now 16 months old and will let it well known if she wants someone to hold her or not, we just roll with that. But, we recently visited Singapore on a family vacation and the amount of people that would reach out just to touch her, or to pinch her thighs was shocking. I will definitely advocate 'no' on her behalf for that.
Honestly I'm lucky because I have a respectful village, but yeah I totally agree. I'm the mom who goes to the function and says ok who wants the baby so I can have a couple hours hands free. As long as he's in my sight and its only people I know, and if he cries/I ask for him back he is handed straight to me, I love having other people take over baby entertainment so I can have real conversations with adults who understand what I'm saying.
Im happy for those that can do this. Our baby cries if anyone but us gets close to them or picks them up. It sucks cause we would love to let our family hold our baby but she just fusses and cries the whole time. 😞
I love when people hold my baby. My favorite part is secretly snapping pictures for the baby book I’m working on. 🩷
It’s never crossed me and my wife’s mind to not let people hold our baby we’ve let everyone hold her from day 1
Sounds like your village didn’t refuse to support the newborn baby’s neck or head when holding, or deliberately expose them to bronchitis at 5 days old, sly off with them drunk and down a steep flight of stairs when told not to or shove them in their reactive dogs face every chance they get so they can “make friends”. Not every situation is the same, not all families are great and above all Postpartum anxiety really isn’t a choice for many mothers.
Thank you for sharing a positive experience. I also let my baby get passed around at family functions and stay nearby to keep an eye on him. Luckily I can trust my family and if people cross the line then absolutely I’ll do something about it.
This was written in a way that is really invalidating to others and their feelings. It’s great you were happy to have your baby held. What’s not great is this post which just feels like mom shaming people who feel different.
How is this shaming moms who feel different?
Agreed. It’s one thing to share a positive experience (which is great and should be welcomed wholeheartedly!) it’s another to lace it with snark and this idea that someone who doesn’t want others holding their kid is somehow doing it wrong or something.
Right. Our reactions being called ridiculous. Thanks a lot, OP. Way to just shame a bunch of moms.
It’s okay to let people hold your baby if you *want* people to hold your baby. It’s okay for people to touch your baby if you *want* people to touch your baby. A lot of what comes up on here is because people do things that parents don’t want and don’t respect boundaries. You calling parent behavior ridiculous when someone touches their baby is rude. You don’t know the parents, circumstances, boundaries set, etc. I’m so sick of posts like this. Good for you letting your baby be passed around because you *wanted* it. Let’s stop shitting on other parents.
Glad to hear a reply to those ridiculous posts! Like you said, doing what has been normal for millenia delivers your child a village and level of resilience. On the other hand, I'm seeing kids stuck in houses with over controlling, neurotic parents who end up creating fragile kids because they never let them take a risk. And rob them of the village we all need. Just loosen the f up, people.
Right. There’s someone below complaining about how having a village doesn’t exist anymore. Then go on to list all their reasons on why you shouldn’t let anyone hold your baby. The irony.
Haha, that's exactly it. Will probably go on to be a bulldozer parent and then wonder when their child is non-functional as an adult.
It depends on a lot of things: the baby’s personality, their age and the crowd. I totally didn’t mind my daughter being passed around when she was 5 months and it was family I knew well, I was much more protective when she was 2 months old. When she was 10 months old and going through a “clingy” period I felt the need to advocate for her, knowing she would be nervous being held by strangers and out of my sight.
Honestly, I love when people hold my baby too! Neither of my in laws are capable/feel comfortable yet come over for dinner once a week. So not only do I have to host and have all the duties associated with that, I don’t even get a baby duty break.
I kinda agree. I always think about how much my mom hated my grandmother (paternal) but still allowed us to have a relationship. I have the most beautiful relationship with my grandmother. They may not have gotten along but my grandmother didn’t treat me that way. I always deeply respected my mother for allowing us to have that relationship. I love when people (I know and trust) hold my baby. The more love he feels the better imo.
I'm with you. I let friends and family take the baby as they please, I'm genuinely grateful for the break tbh lol. If I had people I did NOT want to hold the baby, then baby wouldn't even be around them for them to get their hands on him in the first place. 🤷♀️
Don't know why I'm being downvoted. You guys don't agree that you should keep your kids away from those you don't trust? Lol. Ya'll are wild.
I think some people don’t have family or friends they trust especially around their kid and it upsets them that someone else does. So it personally offends them to hear others feeling differently than them and having what they don’t have.
I mean, when you think about how this behavior is predominantly online only, it absolutely makes sense. I'm glad this isn't the majority. We'd have a lot of unsocialized and socially anxious kids in this generation otherwise. We're supposed to want better for our kids, we're already anxious enough lol.
My husband was thinking that too when i was still pregnant... he said "where I'm from we pass baby around and every one takes care of them!" then our son was born and he became literally SO PROTECTIVE and wanted NO-ONE to hold him or even visit us before his 3m milestone! Complete turnaround! I convinced him that our village (friends, family, colleagues) wanted to meet him, and that we'll take necessary precautions like washing hands and sanitising, etc. By month 2, he was more relaxed already lol...
I like when people hold my boy. Gives me a little breather. 😆
It's my biggest joy to 'show off' my girl, as well as seeing the pure joy my daughter brings to everyone. We have very few children in my family, so it's a huge deal to some people seeing her. And it honestly just makes my heart so happy.
I just came back from a 2 week international trip. I was convinced the plane would be full of child free people hating me for having a baby. People who held my baby: strangers on the plane who were happy to play with her, around 100 friends and family meeting her for the first time, a waitress at a restaurant who wanted me to enjoy my food, I could go on. She is- thank God- perfectly fine, not afraid of new people, and a very happy baby. Reddit is not reflective of real life
While that is great for you, not everyone is in an environment where that is possible especially when it comes to being cautious about people being sick or smokers or taking a gamble with people they don’t really know that well. There is nothing certainly good for everyone when it comes to watching their baby being passed around. I’m glad you had a great experience though.
I tend to agree. Sort of off topic but I've noticed a lot of my mother friends often refer to their child amongst friends as 'my baby' rather than 'the baby' or [babies name.] I am a mother myself and I obviously love my children but I don't necessarily see them as 'mine.' For one thing they are shared with my partner. They are also their own people, and members of our wider family. I find it quite hostile when people feel that they need to have total ownership over their baby. I can see that there might be legitimate worries about holding babies depending on maybe a traumatising experience in the person's background, or maybe germ phobia after COVID. But it does also feel like a move in parenting where we feel we should be in control of all of our children's interactions and experiences which doesn't seem healthy to me.
For every one of those posts there's one of these.
So happy for you. Obviously everyone has different situations and there’s no need to be snarky about it, just appreciate yours is easy going.
I totally agree. I had such strict rules and I got everything I wanted and had nobody lol. I regretted that really fast
Reddit; Nobody is allowed to breathe in the direction of my kid Also Reddit: My village villages for others but not me. Where is my village?
I don’t like people and I don’t want them touching me or my baby
No idea why the downvotes because SAMEEEE
I've never related to a comment more lmao
We pretty much let everyone that doesn’t seem like a loon hold our son! We were vacationing in Florida and an older woman commented how beautiful and adorable he was! And my son LOVES people! He extended his arms out and I said “you can hold him if you’d like”! She cried because she said she missed her grown son being that small and was excited to see her grandchildren soon. It was beautiful!
Someone needs to step off their high horse and let others set their own boundaries for their own child. And before you get all in my business about things, my issue isnt with the opinion you hold for your child, but with how you express it. This post screams, "I love mansplaning everything to everyone". Needlessly condescending title too.
Before I gave birth I was like “no one’s gonna hold my baby” but literally the second I came back from the hospital I was so proud that I wanted my family to hold her and witness her cuteness.
5mo is diff than like 1mo too. They have no immune system to speak of at birth so people expecting to hold a baby <2-3 months to me is not reasonable
Yes absolutely
Unfortunately it seems that the Internet has made mums scared of EVERYTHING these days! Nice to see a post like this 👏👏👏👏👏👏
Same! We just went to a family afternoon lunch and our 5 month old was passed around. She loved interacting with different people in different ways and we loved the break of not having to entertain her lol. It was great.
Yeah I'm fine with most people holding my daughter. Like I want to encourage her social development as much as possible
Most of Reddit is exhausting and all of the parenting subs are the worst with this
K I'm still not gonna
Could not agree with this more! This sub would make you believe it’s a crime to have others hold your kid which is fully isolating from the village we all claim to want. Every family party my seven month old is immediately in the arms of grandmas, aunts, cousins and it’s fantastic! They’re happy, she’s happy, I get to eat without juggling a baby so I’m happy - it’s a win for everyone
I love other people holding and loving my children. It makes me so happy. And getting a moment while baby is passed around is amazing. It’s the village I want. My friends are my babies aunties, my family doesn’t love on my children the same way, which is a huge bummer.
Yeah having a village is pretty much the norm where I’m from. I’ve noticed it’s a lot less common here in the US. It’s sad to see. I wonder if you’re getting downvoted the people who don’t have that are upset to hear someone else does and they don’t. Or they don’t let anyone hold their baby and they’re taking personally offense to someone feeling the opposite about their own child. People are wired.
People are so weird! I didn’t even realize I was getting downvoted before lol. I genuinely love other people loving my children, the more people that love them the better for them and for me is how I see it. I don’t even think there’s anything controversial about that!
Yeah same here! They just want to cuddle them and love on them. My kid was totally chill with anyone holding her when she was a baby.
This sub is full of weird toxic people, I personally have never heard of this being a thing, all of my friends have kids and we are pregnant with our first - I would say don’t let a vocal minority assume they are the majority.
Taking the time to write a lengthy post like this is pretty toxic as well.
My step sister took my baby at a wedding and fed him mashed potatoes. He's dairy intolerant. For me...it's not the holding my baby. It's the NEED to feed them! Someone tried feeding my 4 month old watermelon once and I was like...no, we're not doing solids yet... I swear it was like pulling teeth to make sure no one fed my baby with allergies who hadn't been properly exposed to soy, eggs, etc... I agree with the post, I think sometimes people (this sub) are too sensitive about some things. This is a good place to vent about family members that overstep boundaries, I think. Everyone's experience is different. I am so happy for you that you have family you trust, though ❤️
I love seeing many people hold my baby. When I feel their intentions aren't good or they don't have my best interests and the interests of my baby at heart I can't stand seeing them hold my baby. It's as if they're just possessive of my baby when they have him and I don't like that. Or anyone who tells me how to parent my baby when they've literally seen him one time and know nothing about him at all.
My first family outing was Easter last year. My daughter was almost 2 months. The entire time I had a mental breakdown of “who is that holding my child??” (It was my wife’s family.) Now, I’m okay with it unless I see them kissing on her face.
It’s okay. However, I don’t appreciate carrying my baby while I’m talking to someone and another person poking at me and saying “hey!” repeatedly bc they want to carry my baby
Also having to ask for my baby back repeatedly even when the baby is clearly in distress bc of the person carrying them
Absolutely nothing. This stage is absolutely terrible
My problem isn’t with people holding him. It’s as soon as I get to my in-laws mil barely acknowledges me, claps her hands at me saying to have him and walks off with him. I don’t get him back the whole visit, she stands in his eye view so he can’t see me, turns her back if I need to check his nappy, when he cries walks off and doesn’t give him back. same when she is at my house. She wants to come over everyday and I feel like an incubator. My family however visit to see me, talk to me and they love watching me with him, they wait until I’m ready to say hold him and I feel like a person. They give him back if I need to feed him. They don’t question what I am doing. So yeh. I hate it
This is like when people have an angel husband. The grass is brown and dying over on my side of the fence. Anti Vax, licking, kissing, opioid using monsters! My MIL is a Saint! Sadly she lives on the other side of the country.We see husband's family twice a year and I wish it was more!
I’m glad you had a great experience! I think perhaps what you’re interpreting as group think might just be people who have had really bad interactions venting to other new parents who may have similar experiences. I am happy to let my baby hang out with my family. I do wish it didn’t feel like a grand tour every time that inevitably leads to spit up everywhere from being passed around and an extremely cranky baby who can’t get comfortable enough to nap. We live a few hours from my family so whenever we see my parents it’s like the logic in their brain gets overridden and they are lunging to snatch the baby from my hands. Last time they did this I said baby needed to eat because she didn’t in the car ride and my mom took her anyway - baby screamed and cried and was so upset. It’s not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but I wish that the village understood babies are also people, not an oxytocin hot potato to be passed around. Their needs trump adults’ desires to hold them.
Im a FTM, 4 weeks in, and yesterday I invited family over to meet with baby boy. I just asked that everyone wash their hands and no one kiss him. I let everyone have a turn with him, but ultimately he cried until he was back with me and everyone respected that. It was nice giving each person a chance to hold him and I love that everyone respected my no kissing boundary. The only person who kept making comments about not being able to kiss him was my mom. I’m a lab scientist and work with various virus. I explained to my mom that at 1 month he just doesn’t have an immune system yet and I would like to take precautions with people putting their mouths of him. She could still cuddle him and show him affection, just no mouth on baby. I was kissed as a baby and caught a virus (roseola)and I had to remind my mom the hell we both went through when I was just a few days old. As long as people respect what my husband and I have set out as boundaries I really don’t mind people holding him or touching him. But everyone should do what they’re comfortable with and being a new mom it’s completely normal to be anxious about new experiences.
Yeah but not if they won't give baby back when it's time to feed baby. Also you don't have to when they're super tiny and still forming and immune system
I was very lenient with letting people hold my baby and taking him around everywhere with me. Then we spent weeks in the hospital while he was being treated from Group B strep that possibly turned into meningitis. There are risks. That's all I'm saying.
I believe that it should be up to the individual parent to decide. If you are in an environment you feel comfortable in, and you have no anxiety with your child being held and passed from family member to family member, that's okay. It's also okay if you don't feel comfortable and decide to keep your child in your arms the entire time. Every parent as to do what they feel is best for their own child within reason, and shouldn't be shamed for it or pressured to do the opposite of what they are comfortable doing. You know your child best.
My favorite thing to do is to take my baby to one of my fire stations. I work for the state fire department. Fire bro's turn into putty over a baby (even though they usually have like 4 of their own). I get a break and they get their fix. My sone gets some socialization. (I don't have family to rely on)
If I go to a family function, I love and expect that my baby will be held by others the whole time unless I ask for him back or he gets upset…. Especially once past the newborn phase. He’s high energy and interested in everything so getting passed around being doted on is definitely something he approves of. Mommy is tired and wants a break. Please pass around my baby for a few hours and entertain him!
I had bad postpartum depression and anxiety after giving birth to my first baby. Birth was a little traumatic and no one understood me. I got really bad anxiety when anyone would take my baby from me or even try to hold her. I was looked at as the bad guy for not wanting to share my baby when she was really the only thing that made me feel better. If you’re reading this and you don’t understand then you can consider yourself lucky. If you’re reading this and you DO understand; hang in there. It will get better and don’t be afraid to get professional help.
Not trying to invalidate your positive experience. But people have had negative ones, baby ending up with RSV and all. My baby has some kind of Ezcema. Only on his face I think because people kept touching and kissing his cheeks. His face was finally clear after over 6 months of trying different things and seeing a specialist. We recently travelled and people kissed his cheeks without asking if it’s okay to do. I totally blamed myself for not telling them. We came back home with rashes on his face where he was kissed and some marks on his face which were never there before. One particular person kept kissing and trying to put his mouth in my baby’s mouth after I specifically asked not to do that because the person has a cough, which might be flu. People carry germs and my baby has a very sensitive skin. Just because some people are not careful with babies and some will just push your boundaries, some people have just decided to it is better safe than sorry. Will I allow people to carry my baby? YES, depending on the situation. I will also most likely tell them not to Kiss or touch the baby’s cheeks. So, like someone said. People have had horrible experiences. I remember someone told me their baby who has never been sick got sick at a family function because of course people wants to carry baby, cute. One adult put his spoon in the baby’s mouth.