You need to practice. Watch them doing their job and literally narrate to your self what they are doing. Quietly but verbalized it to yourself. “They are picking up a box”, “they are arranging the display”, etc.
This is the way. Also, every time you mess up, rehearse the conversation by yourself later, in private, with the correct pronouns. This is how I do it, because I (a nonbinary person!) suck at pronouns. I practice alone a lot so I fuck up in front of other people less.
I misgender myself sometimes. Our brains are really programmed, it can be hard. I just appreciate genuine effort. Great suggestions in this thread though.
I, too, misgender myself sometimes. It sucks but demonstrates just how deeply embedded the gender binary is in the way we imagine people due to a lifetime of living in a society structured to reinforce it.
nope, not the only one. i realised my right pronouns are they/them about two years ago and i still at times misgender myself. it sucks but old habits die hard
Haha, I do this too, makes it harder that I'm not fully out but ya, I miss gender myself all the time. I'm also writing a book with a nonbinary character and I constantly have to go back and rewrite it cause I keep trying to use he instead of they and I'm like, why did my brain subconsciously decide the character was amab and make me use he/him? I hate it
I thought I was the only one… I hate myself when I mess up, because it feels like giving others license to do it on purpose and use, “I heard you call yourself, ‘he,’ last week,” as a defense.
Oh I definitely understand those feelings, but please don't get down on yourself. I hated it because it fed my imposter syndrome, but it's just societal programming as another described, and it's a process to grow out of. It does not give license, and if they can't understand that, then they have their own growing to do which is not your issue. Please be gentle with yourself, and don't internalize their issues.
I came here to tell OP that I personally misgender myself but found all of you here🥰
All the above advice is great too. It’s about exposure, practice, and a genuine care to respect your employee. Though, some may be more offended than a large portion of the comments here, like it sounds like your employee is. Everyone exploring their identity has a different road to take so they may have experienced environments where their identity was not respected. You can help by talking one on one with your employee not in front of others obvs and also make sure the other employees respect their identity. Imo creating a safe working environment for the employee will benefit the rest of your staff as well. Good luck OP and I thank you for sharing here!
This, I'm nonbinary and still fuck up people's pronouns, but ya, I just narrate stuff people are doing in my head using their pronouns WAY more than I would in actual conversation to cement it in my brain. When you fuck up, apologize, correct yourself, and say there pronouns over and over in your head to remind yourself for next time. Best of luck, hope you figure it out for both your sake! :)
Absolutely this! Practice, practice, practice. Enlist someone else who knows the employee and practice talking about them (complimentary things only!). You can correct each other and begin building that new pathway in your brain without ever putting the load on the enby who you’re working to do better for. They never have to hear you screw it up while you’re practicing and someone without an emotional stake is working to correct you. Every time.
It's kinda silly, but imagine this employee has a mouse in their pocket. Or practice using they/them with animals or TV/movie characters, it gets you used to it. Most people use singular they/them without realizing it at all, so it feels weird to do it on purpose
The mouse in my pocket trick is one I shared with my teaching supervisor via email when he asked, and the next time he saw me, he was in a class full of students and as I walked in he pointed at me and shouted "YOU! YOU HAVE A MOUSE IN YOUR POCKET." 🤣 It took me by surprise, but after a moment I understood and just said "Y-Yes. Yes I dooo." and we never explained to the students, LOL. 😄 So anyway, can confirm this method is endearing and works at least a bit.
A similar one I've heard is to pretend they're made up of a swarm of bees. 🐝
An alternative the same supervisor imposed on himself was to pay me a dollar via Venmo each time he messed up. Honestly, I think it is genius, if admittedly a little uncomfortable to initiate. 😅 He insisted that it was a way to cement it in his mind, to tie something concrete to it, and that it's fair anyway because he makes loads more money than I do. All of which is true. 🤷 Soooooo you could offer this too. At minimum, it makes it very clear that you are trying and want to do better (assuming you notice yourself messing up and actually follow through).
Oh this is even better because it saves me/whoever is being misgendered the guilt of correcting you for their personal gain! That was the only downside of it for me, but if it was to benefit *other* people, I imagine I would have been able to speak up a bit more. 🥰
You got it right six times in this post, so that's some progress.
I wonder if you're seeing this employee as primarily female in ways that are getting in the way of doing this right. One thing to do would be to read through this sub for a while and kind of get a sense of the people here's idea about their own genders, and maybe get a little more conceptual understanding that your employee isn't a woman, even if they happen to look like one to you, and that this isn't just about pronouns. If you can understand that then the pronouns will flow more naturally.
Practice talking about this person out loud to yourself at home.
When you flub in person, correct quickly and move on without a bunch of apologies.
It is noticeable when people take the time to do these things.
Find a friend or a family member who will practice with you. Tell them stories about your coworker to practice the pronouns. “X was stocking the shelves, they were putting up spaghetti sauce. When they left for their break, they had a sand which for lunch.” (Etc.) any time you mess up, stop and say the correct pronoun three times in a row. It will help
Every time you think of your employee, correct yourself in your head. It takes practice, so put in the work. Also correct yourself if talking out loud obviously but if you also do it in your own head then you’ll get way more practice and pick it up much quicker.
Start defaulting to they/them for everyone. Go walk around a grocery store and narrate everyone you see in your head with they/them. "They just unloaded their basket" "they just helped them with their groceries" "they sure are taking a long time to make a selection".... just get used to they/theming people by default.
this is good to practice they/them pronoun usage but it doesn’t actually help people with associating a particular person with a non binary set of pronouns.
it can set up the person to be constantly they/theming everyone, which (personal experience) feels like shit as soon as the person realises.
it also tends to happen that people who end up defaulting like this will use they/them for any woman or femme looking person….. including cis women…. and will continue misgendering binary trans people by using they/them even after being corrected bc it’s their default..
so yeah personally would not recommend this approach unless you have a LOT of non binary people around you that the default wouldn’t end up disrespecting others 🥴
At the same time, they don't necessarily know who is non-binary. I'd rather I was defaulted to "they/them" than "he/him" by people whether they knew what my driver's license says or not.
Practice. It all comes down to practice. Talk to yourself in the car on the commute and talk about your employee. Use they/them pronouns as you refer to them. After 2 weeks of commutes you'll be good at this.
Practice is what’s most important. Think about them in the third person—come up with actual sentences. Any sentences are good, but I think it can help even more to make them topical, like “Sam is nonbinary. They use gender-neutral pronouns. Their pronouns are ‘they’ and ‘them’. I use ‘they’ and ‘them’ pronouns to talk about Sam, because I want them to feel seen and respected. It’s important to me to keep them as an employee, and I know they will only stick around in a place where they’re consistently gendered appropriately.” Do this *a lot*. Any time you think of it—and if that’s not often, set a periodic reminder on your phone.
I think it can also help to accustom your brain to hearing singular “they” used for a definite person—and there are a fair number of TV shows, podcasts, and audiobooks with nonbinary characters, at this point. The Silt Verses has at least a few nonbinary characters, by Season 2; a handful are scattered around newer installments of Star Trek; the Son of Chuckie is nonbinary. One of the protagonists of Linden A. Lewis’ First Sister trilogy is nonbinary. That’s just media I’ve been interested in, lately, though; you can pick your genre. It’s just easier to adjust to singular “they” when you think it and think about it, more, though—and that’s easier if you’re applying it in more places than just to your employee.
I think a “swear jar” approach might be tricky in a work setting—compensation working the way it does. But you could absolutely just set up a private swear jar at home, or in your office, and put a dollar in any time you think the wrong pronoun, or use it out of their earshot. Send it off to the Trevor Project or somebody, or buy everybody at work a pizza party. Whatever. The main idea is to attach a tangible cost to it, because *that* will help get the autopilot parts of your brain that mostly handle pronouns to sit up and pay attention.
Relatedly. I don’t know if this employee is going to give you a whole lot more chances, so it may not be relevant here. But—if there are times when you misgender them, and then don’t correct yourself? *Start correcting yourself.* Do it every single time; do it unfailingly; do it even if you’re speaking to someone who doesn’t know them, or in the privacy of your own brain. This isn’t just about consideration—it’s about learning as having a measurable, energetic cost. Our brains resist new learning, especially at the level of routine/automatic learning. If you just keep going, and tell yourself you’ll catch it next time? You reinforce for your brain the relatively lower metabolic cost of continuing to misgender your employee. When you stop, shift your focus, correct yourself, and shift your focus, again—it makes the correction higher-cost than getting it right, the first time. Which makes the habitual shift happen more naturally, because now your brain knows it’s “cheaper”.
>But—if there are times when you misgender them, and then don’t correct yourself? *Start correcting yourself.* Do it every single time; do it unfailingly; do it even if you’re speaking to someone who doesn’t know them, or in the privacy of your own brain. This isn’t just about consideration—it’s about learning as having a measurable, energetic cost.
This is really good, and also as the boss OP would be modeling this learning behavior for others. I'm guessing if this employee is considering quitting for being misgendered it's not only the boss who's doing it.
It’s impossible to get they/them right if you are saying she/her in your head. Most of the mental work on this topic should happen not in front of the person.
For a lot of people, just using the person's name in place of pronouns is easier to implement. However, if you want to genuinely get into the habit of using they/them, pretend they're a ghost or invisible. Much like how you'd use gender neutral pronouns if someone left a jacket at the store, but you don't know their gender. "Oh no, someone left their jacket here. I hope they come back for it soon." Remembering that we all use neutral pronouns on a daily basis cam help put things into perspective.
You're doing a good thing by reaching out for guidance. I wish more managers were like you.
If you have their name in your phone, put their pronouns as part of their name. (Instead of their first name being Sam, it would be Sam (they))
Also since they seem to be out at work, ask if they would be okay with having their pronouns next to their name on staff directories or in slack/email/etc. Having lots of reminders will help.
Also have a practice conversation with someone else and practice using their pronouns a lot.
And let them know that you're trying. Please don't go into a long thing about this. I think it can feel uncomfortable if someone takes several minutes to say sorry and explain. A very quick and simple "hey, I hear you, I respect you, you're the first person I've known who uses they/them so I am doing my best, and I'm sorry for when I get it wrong."
Also probably don't apologize every time you get it wrong. That can also feel like a bit much. If you've said the above, then usually we get it and just want you to correct yourself and move on.
I’ve heard “picture them as a swarm of bees” before. Practice also helps; as people have suggested in here, try practicing making statements about them in your head.
I have found that with people who struggle with my pronouns (he/him in my case) a lot of the time the issue is that even though they intellectually respect my choices and use my preferred name, they’re still perceiving me as a girl on a social or societal level— albeit a girl with a masculine name and presentation. Consider why you feel a knee-jerk reaction to apply certain pronouns to certain people, and try to unpack those things.
This is just me, but I tell my relatives to imagine I'm just a bunch of shadow demons wearing or piloting a person suit, or a bunch of racoons in a trenchcoat. Whatever it looks like on the outside, inside there's multiple entities with unknown genders. Similar to the way you refer to other people driving a car on the road when you don't know them and can't see inside.
One thing I can add from being the parent of a trans child and getting his pronouns wrong a ton at first (then talking to friends in the community for advice) is when you get it wrong don't make a big deal about it or apologize, just correct yourself and move on. Eventually you'll find yourself needing to correct less and less.
They will appreciate the correction and take that as a que that you are taking them seriously and making a serious effort to change.
You'll get there - the fact that you're here looking for help in the first place is a great step!
Practice practice practice! Talk about your non-binary employee more so you have more opportunities to use they/them in regards to this person and strengthen that neural pathway in your brain.
Something that helps me to think about: are you thinking of this person as nonbinary in your head, or subconsciously thinking of them as female? It can be harder to use the right pronouns for someone if your internal perception of their gender doesn't match their identity.
Preface: this is how I did it as a manager.
Take gendered pronouns completely out of your vocab for a month or two. Start referring to everyone as they/them. Normal cis people won't register it or will just ask why you are doing it and transphobs will out themselves.
Once this is your new normal language, you can start adding back in gendered pronouns.
Okay, actually maybe I do have a suggestion. It might be helpful to treat their pronouns like a math exam coming up: study for it! When you find yourself slipping up, correct yourself and repeat sentences in your head using the correct pronouns until it's really hammered in there. Once you train yourself to associate your employee with "they/them", it'll become as natural to you as any other personal pronoun.
Imagine them as a colony of bees. For some reason that is what made me get used to it.
(Now I can't stop using it even with people who don't have they/them pronouns help)
My first real experience with trying to learn to use they / them pronouns with others was with a student I worked with closely before they started using them. I struggled so hard. What others have said about practice is key. Practice at home and correct yourself. I had a fascinating experience in that some time after the struggle began and I was really frustrated with myself for getting it wrong the majority of the time, I had a dream that I misgendered this student and they just went off on me - they were livid and screaming at me for being so disrespectful. Something in my brain shifted during that dream and I nearly always get it right now. Don't know how you could duplicate this, though, so I think practice is best. (I also found that dream funny because that student - now a collaborator - was incredibly kind. And also because I now am on the other side of this pronoun challenge.)
Another thing you might try is imagining that you want to protect their identity when you are talking about them. I find we use they / them as a default when we don't know someone's gender but also when we want to help minimize the chances someone will know who we are talking about.
Something people often don't realize, is you use they/them constantly throughout your day without noticing.
"Oh someone dropped their wallet. I wonder where they went?"
"That person looks lonely sitting alone, I should go say hi to them."
Try and teach yourself to think of them as someone whose gender you don't know. Also helps to think of it as being in a sort of "3rd person" scenario.
A bit of practice, and just slow down your speaking with them. Talking is usually a borderline unconscious thing, but slow down and focus on what you want to say, and it should help.
Tbh, best thing you can do is correct yourself in the moment and move on quickly. Most people take a bit of an adjustment period, just try to make it less awkward than it needs to be. A quick "oops, they, sorry" and moving on is the best way to course correct.
Honestly, practicing is really helpful! What I mean is, literally sit down and say to yourself sentences where you use their pronouns correctly. Something like "[blank] is my employee. They are a good employee. I'm happy to employ them. Their work ethic is good." etc ect. Like you were in school, simply practice using their pronouns in sentences, and practice picturing in your mind this person and associating their pronouns with their face and their name. Just like you'd practice pronouncing their name if it were difficult for you, practice using their pronouns. It might seem silly, but you have to train your brain. Our brains like repetition, so if you make a point of saying "[blank] uses they/them," your brain will eventually click and get it.
why are you even automatically using she/her? i would suggest asking yourself that question. the next thing is, to find a way to use they/them. for some people they can use them when they imagine the person is far away and they can't see features. for others it is when they imagine the person is a bunch of small creatures that make up a whole, like a hive of bees. correcting yourself afterwards can help at least show you are trying. there is also the rubberband on the wrist trick. whenever you get it wrong you snap that rubberband. you can also have a treat in your pocket. so everytime you get it right, you get a treat. a punish reward concept can help.
I learned by practicing alone at home. I found alternating giving them insults and compliments allowed my brain to fully grasp their pronouns. Similar to wanting to learn the cuss words first when learning a new language.
Hey Someone left their wallet at your restaurant
Oh did they have any personally identifying information inside?
Yeah looks like they have their ID in the front divider
Ok maybe we can use their drivers licence to help find them and return their wallet
You already use the singular they/them all the time, you just don't realize it when you're abstaining from referencing gender because you don't know it ~yet~, and in your mind, the gender information has yet to be filled in, so, logically it's the exact same thing as that, except now instead of being unknown, you know for a fact that the gender is definitely filled in with a very clear and legible *"???"* intentionally written in
Reducing it even further, It's like on an elementary school shapes quiz, if you saw a grey amorphous blob, and you can't make out it's exact form or shape because you weren't wearing your glasses, and since you can't see you are only loosely describing the blob's shape as fuzzy and blobey, but once you get your glasses you see very clearly that it actually really is just a big grey amorphous blob in full 4K HD, so yeah you were correct the first time, you're literally *supposed* to describe it loosely because it really does have no exact shape it's just a blob
Great advice here. I want to add that you should always correct yourself as soon as you notice. This will show them that you're at least trying. The more you correct yourself, the easier it will get.
Posts like this always set off my troll/BS detector, but I’m going to treat it as being on the level.
If your employee has visual cues to their enby identity, whether obvious or subtle, (not everyone does,) focus on those androgynous aspects of their presentation.
Ex. If you were to look at me, you’d probably think, “he,” at first glance. But, if you paid attention to detail, you’d see:
- Fairly thin, shaped eyebrows
- No visible hair below the neck
- polished toenails
- colorful earrings
- four to six rings on my fingers
None of these by themselves would be a neon sign saying, “nonbinary,” as there’s a fair amount of cis men that might do any one of them, but one that does them all? Not very likely.
Focusing on those should help remind you of their gender identity.
Catch yourself in your thoughts “oh she needs to go on break soon….no they need to go on break soon…. they they they, I should go tell THEM”
Ask to be reminded by other coworkers in a respectful way, “if you hear me use the wrong pronouns for this person can you please point it out to me so I can correct myself more quickly in the future”
You got this!! Just be respectful and keep working on it!!
Before I knew I was nonbinary, I really struggled to use they/them with someone I knew too. I read somewhere that my thoughts were probably like “he uses they/then. He identifies as nonbinary.” It was true. That was my thought. Someone suggested that, instead, start thinking “they aren’t a she or a he.” Basically to flip my thoughts away from “identifies” and see their gender as a concrete fact about them. I almost never made mistakes after flipping my thoughts!
Lots of good advice here already and mine is less easily actionable, but I read a comment on this sub a long time ago that stuck with me. I can't remember the exact wording but it was along the lines of "the reason you're struggling with my pronouns is because you still think of me as a girl" (delete/replace gender as appropriate) and I think there's truth in that.
i also think one of the most important things is correcting yourself IN THE MOMENT. don’t make it a bigger thing than it is. don’t over apologize, either. “she- i mean they-“ and continue. don’t be like, “i mEANT THEY, AWH MAN, SORRY SO SORRY!” or anything, lol. what matters is the effort.
It's a mental restructuring for sure. It's far more common for people to gender each other based on appearances and within the context of a binary than it is for people to assume gender neutrality as a default. Stepping outside of that learned behavior our society imbeds in our psyche will take time, patience, and perseverance.
Thank you for what appears to be a true effort on your part to make this adjustment for this person you work with. 💕
As you said, you're making them aware that you intend to adjust. Maybe a good place to start is to practice with yourself as if you're speaking about them to someone else. Without the pressure that may be there if they hear you misgender them, think about how you refer to them to others when they're not around. If you hear others referring to them by incorrect pronouns, begin to politely correct them as well. {I admit I make the assumption here that the person in question has affirmed their preferred pronouns in a public sense}
It can be a form of proactive allyship that also affirms the gender identity of this person within the space of your store. Maybe this "trick" can help when you hear more people using they/them in context.
I think if I was the employee I’d appreciate if you told me what you said here so I know you’re trying.
Other than that all I can think of is to pay attention to yourself and be conscious of the words you use. That way you can catch yourself before you use the wrong pronouns. Talk slower if that’s something you do. It’s not hard once you get the hang of it, we do it all the time, even when it’s not to refer to non-binary people.
A lot of good ideas here. One thing I'll add in is to get in the habit of correcting yourself on the spot. You don't have to fall over yourself apologizing. Just acknowledge it, correct it, and keep on. Kind of like "words words words she, sorry... *they* words words words." That can help you start to shift your thinking more and shows you're working on it. As others have said, the real trick is the mental game. Practice using they/them whenever you think of the employee and refer to them internally. You might also practice it out loud by talking to yourself to build the habit.
For example, if you are making up the schedule for the coming week, you might intentionally say to yourself, "Okay, Employee X will be closing on Thursday and Friday, so I'll put their times here on the sheet and make sure to tell them." or "Let me send a quick email to them." It takes time and intention to retrain those mental pathways, so give yourself that verbal and mental practice even when they're not around.
What helped me as someone who was cis, is I had to start thinking in my head about them as the gender they actually are. You just have to switch it in your brain, that they're not a woman. They are non-binary, and that means for most people, that they either vacillate back and forth, or they feel in-between (I'm sure there's even more ways that people are but this is just what I've seen the majority of people,I've spoken to/comments I've read have said) maybe you could ask them particularly what they identify as? If you're close enough with them like that? This way you could start thinking of them that way in your head. It will help it become second nature.
Something that helped me, was chanting over and over in my head," XYZ person is not a woman/man, they're insert their identity ",& writing it down helps too. Or before you're about to speak to them, you could say over and over in your head them, they,them,they, etc. eventually it will just become second nature. Now when somebody tells me their pronouns, it's like an automatic switch my brain can do. I start immediately thinking of them differently, and then of course referring to them differently as well.
You might want to talk to this person too, and let them know that you're making a genuine effort. I'm sure they would appreciate that.
Honestly, be honest with them, tell them you're trying your best to use the correct pronouns but that you're not used to it. I prefer it when people mess up and they're annoyed by it than when they're not because it means they give a shit
i always think about what im gonna say before i say it so i can correct mentally instead of having to do it verbally... and if all else fails, just use their name!
Write it on your hand and look at your hand before speaking to them. It’s not as hard as you think it is in the beginning. I get them wanting to leave. I wouldn’t stay, either. After so much time, you realize people just don’t care about others and/or may have some transphobia that needs dealt with. This isn’t an employee problem, so keep your feelings of guilt to yourself. It isn’t healthy for your employee. Just correct yourself every time you misgender them, then move on with your day.
Try a pronoun dressing room! [http://www.pronouns.failedslacker.com/](http://www.pronouns.failedslacker.com/) You can input their name and pronouns. It will give you practice sentences to look at/ try reading outloud. Going down the list it's "They, Them, Their, Theirs, Themself, Nonbinary (or whatever their gender is)." Try using all different kinds of names until it feels natural.
When I need to practice, especially if there is a neo-pronoun I haven't used before I tell little stories about the person to myself outloud until I'm confident with it.
(IE: Megan is a cool person, faer hair is purple and I love faer sense of humor!")
Definitely practice. Like someone else said, when you see them at work, narrate what they’re doing in your head using they/them. Whenever you think about them, consciously use they/them. If you talk about them to their coworkers, make a conscious effort to use they/them. That’s what I did when a friend/former coworker started using they/them pronouns and it significantly cut down on how much I accidentally used she/her. It does take time but you’ll get in the habit of it relatively quickly. Just make sure they know you’re making an honest effort to use their correct pronouns.
try to deprogram yourself. like instead of saying he/she use the relation to yourself in the situation as an identifier. Refer to anyone who doesn't expressly ask to be called her/her she/him as they. This really works and especially works for dyslexic folks or those who struggle with English. Here are some examples:
The bank teller gave me change
That cashier is busy? I'll ask someone else
They were in line first
My barista was really kind and they made a great latte!
The kid over there in the blue shirt
Those parents look happy playing with the baby
My doctor told the nurse my question
Try viewing yourself as a person first and not as your gender. This is a little abstract, but it's the thing that made it click for my mom. She doesn't like words like "gal, or that girl, those women, females" not because of being misgendered but because of the frequent cases those are used with subconscious misogyny. So for her it made a big difference having something that was just neutral in any case.
Imagine them as a swarm of bees.
"Hey, where's [OP's NB employee]?"
"They're in their hive, just buzzing by themselves. Do you want me to get them for you? They should be out soon."
Kind of a joke, but I've heard that it has worked for some people.
I remember a tip from Brain Age: If you want to remember someone's name, silently repeat it. Maybe try repeating "This person uses they/them prononuns." over and over?
I have an issue with some coworkers who just don’t fully get it and they gave up on trying. So, my rule of thumb is if you struggle with or refuse to use they/he for me, just don’t use pronouns at all. Just use my name. Is it redundant? Sure. But it gets rid of misgendering fast.
I can't say this is the best way, but it's what finally made it stick for me. I got a non binary partner. One time while...expressing our love for each other, they were showing some very masculine presentation in that particular way, and I saw their male energy on display. It stuck quite well. I still slip occasionally, I always give myself grace and work to catch and correct myself. All you can do is work on it. That's your job as a human being. That's respect.
You are very considarete person with having these feelings and coming here to get help! I’m sure you are busy enough without this kind of stress coming to your way. Many managers would just get annoyed and tell them to just leave then. I’m sure you will learn it with this kind attitude. You didn’t mention for how long time you’ve been misgendering them but it’s normal it takes time. You probably interact in a buzy environment where it’s even harder. At least you are doing your best!
the way i described it to my dad (who doesn’t have any trans/queer people in his life other than me) was to think about it as “not knowing my gender”. generally people automatically say they without thinking when they talk about an abstract person. i told him that that’s my gender - abstract and hard to pin down lol !! it helped him a lot!
another helpful one i’ve seen people in my life “get it” with was that i am they bc i am both boy and girl, it’s a pronoun that holds my multitudes :)
It helped my mum to start referring to me as 3 cats. "Look how cute they are!" (Mum referring to me) I've also heard swarm of bees used successfully.
Also, As another commenter said PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE. It's gonna be difficult, especially since you're unaccustomed to it. Explain to your employee that you are going to practice more and do better.
It's hard to unlearn decades of habit. It does depend on the person, but in the case of myself and my main NB friend, we really appreciate people doing their best, and understand you may screw up sometimes, that's fine as long as you try and mean well! Fuck, I still sometimes misgender myself...
I see you've already been helped a ton and you're doing great and deserve to feel proud of yourself, but I just wanna throw in make sure you don't make a big scene about mess ups! Just say a quick sorry or my bad and then use the correct one and keep practicing and doing your best. The fact that you're trying so hard when you're not used to this thing says a lot about you and your character. Change is hard! You're doing awesome
Find out their favorite animal and pluralize them. 🤣 that’s how we do things in our lil group of friends. I’m three cats or three foxes depending on how feral I am at the time
How is them calling corporate not enough motivation here? Pronouns aren't difficult. Do it or you get reprimanded. They can litigate over this. If you can't tackle something has simple as pronouns, how are you trusted with anything else? A truck order is more difficult than getting someone's pronouns down.
You can't do it because you have some sort of internal issue YOU need to sort out. My mother has brain damage and after a short learning period, literally never gets them wrong, and I use both she/her and they/them. If you think Im being harsh here, imagine how your employee feels when you misgender the living shit out of them, shift after shift.
You need to practice. Watch them doing their job and literally narrate to your self what they are doing. Quietly but verbalized it to yourself. “They are picking up a box”, “they are arranging the display”, etc.
This is the way. Also, every time you mess up, rehearse the conversation by yourself later, in private, with the correct pronouns. This is how I do it, because I (a nonbinary person!) suck at pronouns. I practice alone a lot so I fuck up in front of other people less.
I misgender myself sometimes. Our brains are really programmed, it can be hard. I just appreciate genuine effort. Great suggestions in this thread though.
I, too, misgender myself sometimes. It sucks but demonstrates just how deeply embedded the gender binary is in the way we imagine people due to a lifetime of living in a society structured to reinforce it.
Wait I'm not the only one?
nope, not the only one. i realised my right pronouns are they/them about two years ago and i still at times misgender myself. it sucks but old habits die hard
Haha, I do this too, makes it harder that I'm not fully out but ya, I miss gender myself all the time. I'm also writing a book with a nonbinary character and I constantly have to go back and rewrite it cause I keep trying to use he instead of they and I'm like, why did my brain subconsciously decide the character was amab and make me use he/him? I hate it
Answering the phone is what gets me the worst. I chiseled out that conversational groove over 30 years ago.
I thought I was the only one… I hate myself when I mess up, because it feels like giving others license to do it on purpose and use, “I heard you call yourself, ‘he,’ last week,” as a defense.
Oh I definitely understand those feelings, but please don't get down on yourself. I hated it because it fed my imposter syndrome, but it's just societal programming as another described, and it's a process to grow out of. It does not give license, and if they can't understand that, then they have their own growing to do which is not your issue. Please be gentle with yourself, and don't internalize their issues.
I'm so relieved I'm not the only one. It makes me question, but I know it's conditioning.
I went be he/they before and sometimes slip up. I am so glad I'm also not alone. It's embedded in us to be binary, even when we aren't.
Yes! This sub is so affirming for me (more than with any other) and that's why I'm sure.
I came here to tell OP that I personally misgender myself but found all of you here🥰 All the above advice is great too. It’s about exposure, practice, and a genuine care to respect your employee. Though, some may be more offended than a large portion of the comments here, like it sounds like your employee is. Everyone exploring their identity has a different road to take so they may have experienced environments where their identity was not respected. You can help by talking one on one with your employee not in front of others obvs and also make sure the other employees respect their identity. Imo creating a safe working environment for the employee will benefit the rest of your staff as well. Good luck OP and I thank you for sharing here!
This, I'm nonbinary and still fuck up people's pronouns, but ya, I just narrate stuff people are doing in my head using their pronouns WAY more than I would in actual conversation to cement it in my brain. When you fuck up, apologize, correct yourself, and say there pronouns over and over in your head to remind yourself for next time. Best of luck, hope you figure it out for both your sake! :)
Absolutely this! Practice, practice, practice. Enlist someone else who knows the employee and practice talking about them (complimentary things only!). You can correct each other and begin building that new pathway in your brain without ever putting the load on the enby who you’re working to do better for. They never have to hear you screw it up while you’re practicing and someone without an emotional stake is working to correct you. Every time.
It's kinda silly, but imagine this employee has a mouse in their pocket. Or practice using they/them with animals or TV/movie characters, it gets you used to it. Most people use singular they/them without realizing it at all, so it feels weird to do it on purpose
The mouse in my pocket trick is one I shared with my teaching supervisor via email when he asked, and the next time he saw me, he was in a class full of students and as I walked in he pointed at me and shouted "YOU! YOU HAVE A MOUSE IN YOUR POCKET." 🤣 It took me by surprise, but after a moment I understood and just said "Y-Yes. Yes I dooo." and we never explained to the students, LOL. 😄 So anyway, can confirm this method is endearing and works at least a bit. A similar one I've heard is to pretend they're made up of a swarm of bees. 🐝 An alternative the same supervisor imposed on himself was to pay me a dollar via Venmo each time he messed up. Honestly, I think it is genius, if admittedly a little uncomfortable to initiate. 😅 He insisted that it was a way to cement it in his mind, to tie something concrete to it, and that it's fair anyway because he makes loads more money than I do. All of which is true. 🤷 Soooooo you could offer this too. At minimum, it makes it very clear that you are trying and want to do better (assuming you notice yourself messing up and actually follow through).
So… instead of a swear jar, start a their jar? LOL
I have jokingly said "put a dollar in the jar" to coworkers who slip on my pronouns before.
The way it rhymes omgg
I had a math professor many years ago who would absolutely have done that, so this story made me happy.
😄 This was a math professor too — I wonder if we have a mutual connection... 🤔
Unfortunately mine has been dead for quite some time.
aww that venmo thing is really sweet, that seems like he was genuinely putting in an effort to change old habits!
I had an employer do this, but instead she donated £1 to an LGBTQ+ charity every time she got it wrong ☺️
Oh this is even better because it saves me/whoever is being misgendered the guilt of correcting you for their personal gain! That was the only downside of it for me, but if it was to benefit *other* people, I imagine I would have been able to speak up a bit more. 🥰
And that's how you got Professor X as a teacher.
You got it right six times in this post, so that's some progress. I wonder if you're seeing this employee as primarily female in ways that are getting in the way of doing this right. One thing to do would be to read through this sub for a while and kind of get a sense of the people here's idea about their own genders, and maybe get a little more conceptual understanding that your employee isn't a woman, even if they happen to look like one to you, and that this isn't just about pronouns. If you can understand that then the pronouns will flow more naturally.
yes! this, exactly! it’s much easier when you actually naturally see us as nonbinary, whatever our genders are.
Practice talking about this person out loud to yourself at home. When you flub in person, correct quickly and move on without a bunch of apologies. It is noticeable when people take the time to do these things.
Find a friend or a family member who will practice with you. Tell them stories about your coworker to practice the pronouns. “X was stocking the shelves, they were putting up spaghetti sauce. When they left for their break, they had a sand which for lunch.” (Etc.) any time you mess up, stop and say the correct pronoun three times in a row. It will help
This is the way. Practice with another person in a safe space when your coworker is not around. Say a bunch of nice things about them.
Sand which flavour?
Every time you think of your employee, correct yourself in your head. It takes practice, so put in the work. Also correct yourself if talking out loud obviously but if you also do it in your own head then you’ll get way more practice and pick it up much quicker.
Start defaulting to they/them for everyone. Go walk around a grocery store and narrate everyone you see in your head with they/them. "They just unloaded their basket" "they just helped them with their groceries" "they sure are taking a long time to make a selection".... just get used to they/theming people by default.
this is good to practice they/them pronoun usage but it doesn’t actually help people with associating a particular person with a non binary set of pronouns. it can set up the person to be constantly they/theming everyone, which (personal experience) feels like shit as soon as the person realises. it also tends to happen that people who end up defaulting like this will use they/them for any woman or femme looking person….. including cis women…. and will continue misgendering binary trans people by using they/them even after being corrected bc it’s their default.. so yeah personally would not recommend this approach unless you have a LOT of non binary people around you that the default wouldn’t end up disrespecting others 🥴
At the same time, they don't necessarily know who is non-binary. I'd rather I was defaulted to "they/them" than "he/him" by people whether they knew what my driver's license says or not.
Practice. It all comes down to practice. Talk to yourself in the car on the commute and talk about your employee. Use they/them pronouns as you refer to them. After 2 weeks of commutes you'll be good at this.
Practice is what’s most important. Think about them in the third person—come up with actual sentences. Any sentences are good, but I think it can help even more to make them topical, like “Sam is nonbinary. They use gender-neutral pronouns. Their pronouns are ‘they’ and ‘them’. I use ‘they’ and ‘them’ pronouns to talk about Sam, because I want them to feel seen and respected. It’s important to me to keep them as an employee, and I know they will only stick around in a place where they’re consistently gendered appropriately.” Do this *a lot*. Any time you think of it—and if that’s not often, set a periodic reminder on your phone. I think it can also help to accustom your brain to hearing singular “they” used for a definite person—and there are a fair number of TV shows, podcasts, and audiobooks with nonbinary characters, at this point. The Silt Verses has at least a few nonbinary characters, by Season 2; a handful are scattered around newer installments of Star Trek; the Son of Chuckie is nonbinary. One of the protagonists of Linden A. Lewis’ First Sister trilogy is nonbinary. That’s just media I’ve been interested in, lately, though; you can pick your genre. It’s just easier to adjust to singular “they” when you think it and think about it, more, though—and that’s easier if you’re applying it in more places than just to your employee. I think a “swear jar” approach might be tricky in a work setting—compensation working the way it does. But you could absolutely just set up a private swear jar at home, or in your office, and put a dollar in any time you think the wrong pronoun, or use it out of their earshot. Send it off to the Trevor Project or somebody, or buy everybody at work a pizza party. Whatever. The main idea is to attach a tangible cost to it, because *that* will help get the autopilot parts of your brain that mostly handle pronouns to sit up and pay attention. Relatedly. I don’t know if this employee is going to give you a whole lot more chances, so it may not be relevant here. But—if there are times when you misgender them, and then don’t correct yourself? *Start correcting yourself.* Do it every single time; do it unfailingly; do it even if you’re speaking to someone who doesn’t know them, or in the privacy of your own brain. This isn’t just about consideration—it’s about learning as having a measurable, energetic cost. Our brains resist new learning, especially at the level of routine/automatic learning. If you just keep going, and tell yourself you’ll catch it next time? You reinforce for your brain the relatively lower metabolic cost of continuing to misgender your employee. When you stop, shift your focus, correct yourself, and shift your focus, again—it makes the correction higher-cost than getting it right, the first time. Which makes the habitual shift happen more naturally, because now your brain knows it’s “cheaper”.
>But—if there are times when you misgender them, and then don’t correct yourself? *Start correcting yourself.* Do it every single time; do it unfailingly; do it even if you’re speaking to someone who doesn’t know them, or in the privacy of your own brain. This isn’t just about consideration—it’s about learning as having a measurable, energetic cost. This is really good, and also as the boss OP would be modeling this learning behavior for others. I'm guessing if this employee is considering quitting for being misgendered it's not only the boss who's doing it.
It’s impossible to get they/them right if you are saying she/her in your head. Most of the mental work on this topic should happen not in front of the person.
For a lot of people, just using the person's name in place of pronouns is easier to implement. However, if you want to genuinely get into the habit of using they/them, pretend they're a ghost or invisible. Much like how you'd use gender neutral pronouns if someone left a jacket at the store, but you don't know their gender. "Oh no, someone left their jacket here. I hope they come back for it soon." Remembering that we all use neutral pronouns on a daily basis cam help put things into perspective. You're doing a good thing by reaching out for guidance. I wish more managers were like you.
If you have their name in your phone, put their pronouns as part of their name. (Instead of their first name being Sam, it would be Sam (they)) Also since they seem to be out at work, ask if they would be okay with having their pronouns next to their name on staff directories or in slack/email/etc. Having lots of reminders will help. Also have a practice conversation with someone else and practice using their pronouns a lot. And let them know that you're trying. Please don't go into a long thing about this. I think it can feel uncomfortable if someone takes several minutes to say sorry and explain. A very quick and simple "hey, I hear you, I respect you, you're the first person I've known who uses they/them so I am doing my best, and I'm sorry for when I get it wrong." Also probably don't apologize every time you get it wrong. That can also feel like a bit much. If you've said the above, then usually we get it and just want you to correct yourself and move on.
I’ve heard “picture them as a swarm of bees” before. Practice also helps; as people have suggested in here, try practicing making statements about them in your head. I have found that with people who struggle with my pronouns (he/him in my case) a lot of the time the issue is that even though they intellectually respect my choices and use my preferred name, they’re still perceiving me as a girl on a social or societal level— albeit a girl with a masculine name and presentation. Consider why you feel a knee-jerk reaction to apply certain pronouns to certain people, and try to unpack those things.
This is just me, but I tell my relatives to imagine I'm just a bunch of shadow demons wearing or piloting a person suit, or a bunch of racoons in a trenchcoat. Whatever it looks like on the outside, inside there's multiple entities with unknown genders. Similar to the way you refer to other people driving a car on the road when you don't know them and can't see inside.
One thing I can add from being the parent of a trans child and getting his pronouns wrong a ton at first (then talking to friends in the community for advice) is when you get it wrong don't make a big deal about it or apologize, just correct yourself and move on. Eventually you'll find yourself needing to correct less and less. They will appreciate the correction and take that as a que that you are taking them seriously and making a serious effort to change. You'll get there - the fact that you're here looking for help in the first place is a great step!
Practice practice practice! Talk about your non-binary employee more so you have more opportunities to use they/them in regards to this person and strengthen that neural pathway in your brain.
Something that helps me to think about: are you thinking of this person as nonbinary in your head, or subconsciously thinking of them as female? It can be harder to use the right pronouns for someone if your internal perception of their gender doesn't match their identity.
Preface: this is how I did it as a manager. Take gendered pronouns completely out of your vocab for a month or two. Start referring to everyone as they/them. Normal cis people won't register it or will just ask why you are doing it and transphobs will out themselves. Once this is your new normal language, you can start adding back in gendered pronouns.
I don't have a suggestion, but I wanted to say thank you for making the effort to learn and get it right! The world needs more of that :)
Okay, actually maybe I do have a suggestion. It might be helpful to treat their pronouns like a math exam coming up: study for it! When you find yourself slipping up, correct yourself and repeat sentences in your head using the correct pronouns until it's really hammered in there. Once you train yourself to associate your employee with "they/them", it'll become as natural to you as any other personal pronoun.
Imagine them as a colony of bees. For some reason that is what made me get used to it. (Now I can't stop using it even with people who don't have they/them pronouns help)
My first real experience with trying to learn to use they / them pronouns with others was with a student I worked with closely before they started using them. I struggled so hard. What others have said about practice is key. Practice at home and correct yourself. I had a fascinating experience in that some time after the struggle began and I was really frustrated with myself for getting it wrong the majority of the time, I had a dream that I misgendered this student and they just went off on me - they were livid and screaming at me for being so disrespectful. Something in my brain shifted during that dream and I nearly always get it right now. Don't know how you could duplicate this, though, so I think practice is best. (I also found that dream funny because that student - now a collaborator - was incredibly kind. And also because I now am on the other side of this pronoun challenge.)
Another thing you might try is imagining that you want to protect their identity when you are talking about them. I find we use they / them as a default when we don't know someone's gender but also when we want to help minimize the chances someone will know who we are talking about.
Something people often don't realize, is you use they/them constantly throughout your day without noticing. "Oh someone dropped their wallet. I wonder where they went?" "That person looks lonely sitting alone, I should go say hi to them." Try and teach yourself to think of them as someone whose gender you don't know. Also helps to think of it as being in a sort of "3rd person" scenario.
I just want to say it's really nice that you try, and I'm sure you'll get it soon.
A bit of practice, and just slow down your speaking with them. Talking is usually a borderline unconscious thing, but slow down and focus on what you want to say, and it should help.
Tbh, best thing you can do is correct yourself in the moment and move on quickly. Most people take a bit of an adjustment period, just try to make it less awkward than it needs to be. A quick "oops, they, sorry" and moving on is the best way to course correct.
It’s suicide prevention to use the correct pronouns. so really take your time, if you mess up: correct yourself and move on.
i just default to they/them if i dont know the gender and even if i DO i tend to do it anyways. so i would simply to that
Honestly, practicing is really helpful! What I mean is, literally sit down and say to yourself sentences where you use their pronouns correctly. Something like "[blank] is my employee. They are a good employee. I'm happy to employ them. Their work ethic is good." etc ect. Like you were in school, simply practice using their pronouns in sentences, and practice picturing in your mind this person and associating their pronouns with their face and their name. Just like you'd practice pronouncing their name if it were difficult for you, practice using their pronouns. It might seem silly, but you have to train your brain. Our brains like repetition, so if you make a point of saying "[blank] uses they/them," your brain will eventually click and get it.
why are you even automatically using she/her? i would suggest asking yourself that question. the next thing is, to find a way to use they/them. for some people they can use them when they imagine the person is far away and they can't see features. for others it is when they imagine the person is a bunch of small creatures that make up a whole, like a hive of bees. correcting yourself afterwards can help at least show you are trying. there is also the rubberband on the wrist trick. whenever you get it wrong you snap that rubberband. you can also have a treat in your pocket. so everytime you get it right, you get a treat. a punish reward concept can help.
I learned by practicing alone at home. I found alternating giving them insults and compliments allowed my brain to fully grasp their pronouns. Similar to wanting to learn the cuss words first when learning a new language.
Hey Someone left their wallet at your restaurant Oh did they have any personally identifying information inside? Yeah looks like they have their ID in the front divider Ok maybe we can use their drivers licence to help find them and return their wallet You already use the singular they/them all the time, you just don't realize it when you're abstaining from referencing gender because you don't know it ~yet~, and in your mind, the gender information has yet to be filled in, so, logically it's the exact same thing as that, except now instead of being unknown, you know for a fact that the gender is definitely filled in with a very clear and legible *"???"* intentionally written in Reducing it even further, It's like on an elementary school shapes quiz, if you saw a grey amorphous blob, and you can't make out it's exact form or shape because you weren't wearing your glasses, and since you can't see you are only loosely describing the blob's shape as fuzzy and blobey, but once you get your glasses you see very clearly that it actually really is just a big grey amorphous blob in full 4K HD, so yeah you were correct the first time, you're literally *supposed* to describe it loosely because it really does have no exact shape it's just a blob
Great advice here. I want to add that you should always correct yourself as soon as you notice. This will show them that you're at least trying. The more you correct yourself, the easier it will get.
See, the thing is, you just did it flawlessly, now do it exactly like this out in the wild :3
It cannot be this difficult
Posts like this always set off my troll/BS detector, but I’m going to treat it as being on the level. If your employee has visual cues to their enby identity, whether obvious or subtle, (not everyone does,) focus on those androgynous aspects of their presentation. Ex. If you were to look at me, you’d probably think, “he,” at first glance. But, if you paid attention to detail, you’d see: - Fairly thin, shaped eyebrows - No visible hair below the neck - polished toenails - colorful earrings - four to six rings on my fingers None of these by themselves would be a neon sign saying, “nonbinary,” as there’s a fair amount of cis men that might do any one of them, but one that does them all? Not very likely. Focusing on those should help remind you of their gender identity.
Catch yourself in your thoughts “oh she needs to go on break soon….no they need to go on break soon…. they they they, I should go tell THEM” Ask to be reminded by other coworkers in a respectful way, “if you hear me use the wrong pronouns for this person can you please point it out to me so I can correct myself more quickly in the future” You got this!! Just be respectful and keep working on it!!
Before I knew I was nonbinary, I really struggled to use they/them with someone I knew too. I read somewhere that my thoughts were probably like “he uses they/then. He identifies as nonbinary.” It was true. That was my thought. Someone suggested that, instead, start thinking “they aren’t a she or a he.” Basically to flip my thoughts away from “identifies” and see their gender as a concrete fact about them. I almost never made mistakes after flipping my thoughts!
Lots of good advice here already and mine is less easily actionable, but I read a comment on this sub a long time ago that stuck with me. I can't remember the exact wording but it was along the lines of "the reason you're struggling with my pronouns is because you still think of me as a girl" (delete/replace gender as appropriate) and I think there's truth in that.
i also think one of the most important things is correcting yourself IN THE MOMENT. don’t make it a bigger thing than it is. don’t over apologize, either. “she- i mean they-“ and continue. don’t be like, “i mEANT THEY, AWH MAN, SORRY SO SORRY!” or anything, lol. what matters is the effort.
try pretending they have a bee in their pocket!
It's a mental restructuring for sure. It's far more common for people to gender each other based on appearances and within the context of a binary than it is for people to assume gender neutrality as a default. Stepping outside of that learned behavior our society imbeds in our psyche will take time, patience, and perseverance. Thank you for what appears to be a true effort on your part to make this adjustment for this person you work with. 💕 As you said, you're making them aware that you intend to adjust. Maybe a good place to start is to practice with yourself as if you're speaking about them to someone else. Without the pressure that may be there if they hear you misgender them, think about how you refer to them to others when they're not around. If you hear others referring to them by incorrect pronouns, begin to politely correct them as well. {I admit I make the assumption here that the person in question has affirmed their preferred pronouns in a public sense} It can be a form of proactive allyship that also affirms the gender identity of this person within the space of your store. Maybe this "trick" can help when you hear more people using they/them in context.
I think if I was the employee I’d appreciate if you told me what you said here so I know you’re trying. Other than that all I can think of is to pay attention to yourself and be conscious of the words you use. That way you can catch yourself before you use the wrong pronouns. Talk slower if that’s something you do. It’s not hard once you get the hang of it, we do it all the time, even when it’s not to refer to non-binary people.
A lot of good ideas here. One thing I'll add in is to get in the habit of correcting yourself on the spot. You don't have to fall over yourself apologizing. Just acknowledge it, correct it, and keep on. Kind of like "words words words she, sorry... *they* words words words." That can help you start to shift your thinking more and shows you're working on it. As others have said, the real trick is the mental game. Practice using they/them whenever you think of the employee and refer to them internally. You might also practice it out loud by talking to yourself to build the habit. For example, if you are making up the schedule for the coming week, you might intentionally say to yourself, "Okay, Employee X will be closing on Thursday and Friday, so I'll put their times here on the sheet and make sure to tell them." or "Let me send a quick email to them." It takes time and intention to retrain those mental pathways, so give yourself that verbal and mental practice even when they're not around.
What helped me as someone who was cis, is I had to start thinking in my head about them as the gender they actually are. You just have to switch it in your brain, that they're not a woman. They are non-binary, and that means for most people, that they either vacillate back and forth, or they feel in-between (I'm sure there's even more ways that people are but this is just what I've seen the majority of people,I've spoken to/comments I've read have said) maybe you could ask them particularly what they identify as? If you're close enough with them like that? This way you could start thinking of them that way in your head. It will help it become second nature. Something that helped me, was chanting over and over in my head," XYZ person is not a woman/man, they're insert their identity ",& writing it down helps too. Or before you're about to speak to them, you could say over and over in your head them, they,them,they, etc. eventually it will just become second nature. Now when somebody tells me their pronouns, it's like an automatic switch my brain can do. I start immediately thinking of them differently, and then of course referring to them differently as well. You might want to talk to this person too, and let them know that you're making a genuine effort. I'm sure they would appreciate that.
Honestly, be honest with them, tell them you're trying your best to use the correct pronouns but that you're not used to it. I prefer it when people mess up and they're annoyed by it than when they're not because it means they give a shit
i always think about what im gonna say before i say it so i can correct mentally instead of having to do it verbally... and if all else fails, just use their name!
Imagine them as a swarm of bees. Mentally practice referring to them as they or them. The more you practice, the easier it becomes.
Write it on your hand and look at your hand before speaking to them. It’s not as hard as you think it is in the beginning. I get them wanting to leave. I wouldn’t stay, either. After so much time, you realize people just don’t care about others and/or may have some transphobia that needs dealt with. This isn’t an employee problem, so keep your feelings of guilt to yourself. It isn’t healthy for your employee. Just correct yourself every time you misgender them, then move on with your day.
You just need to be conscious of it and practice. Repetition is key.
Try a pronoun dressing room! [http://www.pronouns.failedslacker.com/](http://www.pronouns.failedslacker.com/) You can input their name and pronouns. It will give you practice sentences to look at/ try reading outloud. Going down the list it's "They, Them, Their, Theirs, Themself, Nonbinary (or whatever their gender is)." Try using all different kinds of names until it feels natural. When I need to practice, especially if there is a neo-pronoun I haven't used before I tell little stories about the person to myself outloud until I'm confident with it. (IE: Megan is a cool person, faer hair is purple and I love faer sense of humor!")
Definitely practice. Like someone else said, when you see them at work, narrate what they’re doing in your head using they/them. Whenever you think about them, consciously use they/them. If you talk about them to their coworkers, make a conscious effort to use they/them. That’s what I did when a friend/former coworker started using they/them pronouns and it significantly cut down on how much I accidentally used she/her. It does take time but you’ll get in the habit of it relatively quickly. Just make sure they know you’re making an honest effort to use their correct pronouns.
try to deprogram yourself. like instead of saying he/she use the relation to yourself in the situation as an identifier. Refer to anyone who doesn't expressly ask to be called her/her she/him as they. This really works and especially works for dyslexic folks or those who struggle with English. Here are some examples: The bank teller gave me change That cashier is busy? I'll ask someone else They were in line first My barista was really kind and they made a great latte! The kid over there in the blue shirt Those parents look happy playing with the baby My doctor told the nurse my question Try viewing yourself as a person first and not as your gender. This is a little abstract, but it's the thing that made it click for my mom. She doesn't like words like "gal, or that girl, those women, females" not because of being misgendered but because of the frequent cases those are used with subconscious misogyny. So for her it made a big difference having something that was just neutral in any case.
Imagine them as a swarm of bees. "Hey, where's [OP's NB employee]?" "They're in their hive, just buzzing by themselves. Do you want me to get them for you? They should be out soon." Kind of a joke, but I've heard that it has worked for some people.
My advice practice in your head over and over until their pronouns are second nature for you
Just apologize every single time your mouth fucks it up. You’ll get there, I promise. Took my brain 5-6 months
I remember a tip from Brain Age: If you want to remember someone's name, silently repeat it. Maybe try repeating "This person uses they/them prononuns." over and over?
I have an issue with some coworkers who just don’t fully get it and they gave up on trying. So, my rule of thumb is if you struggle with or refuse to use they/he for me, just don’t use pronouns at all. Just use my name. Is it redundant? Sure. But it gets rid of misgendering fast.
I use they/them/theirs as a default unless I otherwise know people's pronouns. Seems like a decent basic practice.
Or, just referring to people exclusively by name. It's a bit chunkier, but you're not gonna get it wrong then
Imagine that they’re an alien from planet 9
I can't say this is the best way, but it's what finally made it stick for me. I got a non binary partner. One time while...expressing our love for each other, they were showing some very masculine presentation in that particular way, and I saw their male energy on display. It stuck quite well. I still slip occasionally, I always give myself grace and work to catch and correct myself. All you can do is work on it. That's your job as a human being. That's respect.
https://youtu.be/8Hb30PE1xgo
You are very considarete person with having these feelings and coming here to get help! I’m sure you are busy enough without this kind of stress coming to your way. Many managers would just get annoyed and tell them to just leave then. I’m sure you will learn it with this kind attitude. You didn’t mention for how long time you’ve been misgendering them but it’s normal it takes time. You probably interact in a buzy environment where it’s even harder. At least you are doing your best!
the way i described it to my dad (who doesn’t have any trans/queer people in his life other than me) was to think about it as “not knowing my gender”. generally people automatically say they without thinking when they talk about an abstract person. i told him that that’s my gender - abstract and hard to pin down lol !! it helped him a lot! another helpful one i’ve seen people in my life “get it” with was that i am they bc i am both boy and girl, it’s a pronoun that holds my multitudes :)
It helped my mum to start referring to me as 3 cats. "Look how cute they are!" (Mum referring to me) I've also heard swarm of bees used successfully. Also, As another commenter said PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE. It's gonna be difficult, especially since you're unaccustomed to it. Explain to your employee that you are going to practice more and do better.
It's hard to unlearn decades of habit. It does depend on the person, but in the case of myself and my main NB friend, we really appreciate people doing their best, and understand you may screw up sometimes, that's fine as long as you try and mean well! Fuck, I still sometimes misgender myself...
I see you've already been helped a ton and you're doing great and deserve to feel proud of yourself, but I just wanna throw in make sure you don't make a big scene about mess ups! Just say a quick sorry or my bad and then use the correct one and keep practicing and doing your best. The fact that you're trying so hard when you're not used to this thing says a lot about you and your character. Change is hard! You're doing awesome
Find out their favorite animal and pluralize them. 🤣 that’s how we do things in our lil group of friends. I’m three cats or three foxes depending on how feral I am at the time
How is them calling corporate not enough motivation here? Pronouns aren't difficult. Do it or you get reprimanded. They can litigate over this. If you can't tackle something has simple as pronouns, how are you trusted with anything else? A truck order is more difficult than getting someone's pronouns down. You can't do it because you have some sort of internal issue YOU need to sort out. My mother has brain damage and after a short learning period, literally never gets them wrong, and I use both she/her and they/them. If you think Im being harsh here, imagine how your employee feels when you misgender the living shit out of them, shift after shift.