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I am also not a water person, and hosting a pool party for very small kids sounds incredibly stressful. Technically the parents should be watching them, but what if they don't?
Is there room to set up a splash pad or slip n slide? Or get squirt guns? I understand the water play but I would do it in a non-drowning-potential way.
>Is there room to set up a splash pad or slip n slide? Or get squirt guns? I understand the water play but I would do it in a non-drowning-potential way.
I was thinking they could do the first hour of the party, or an hour pre party, as swim time. Then, any families who don't want their kids to swim can come "late" and there is a dedicated swimming only time where there are no other responsibilities beyond swimming and supervising swimmers.
We have done it the other way around. We open the pool at the end of the party and tell everyone. Anyone who wants to stay can do so, and the parents are responsible for supervising their own kids.
We also do a no large floaties rule so that kids heads are always visible and it makes the supervision that much less stressful.
We did it for my son’s 5th and it was an absolute blast. Life guards, plural, are a must! The idea of making a parent go in with the kid is flawed. Most the time, especially for a little girls party, the mom will be the parent attending and 80% percent of moms do not feel comfortable being in their bathing suit around their peers. Also, at 7 at least half the kids should be capable swimmers. Go to the local college, swim instructor school, community pool, tons of options and offer a couple life guards 150 each for the 3 hours and a good time will be had by all! Ooo, and setup shade areas for the parents and lots of cold water bottles!
I was going to suggest hiring lifeguards to put mom at ease but also because parents are notorious for not watching their children as well at birthday parties. 3 or 4 lifeguards (depending on size of pool) could put parents minds at ease and give dedicated people to watch the children and take that stress off Mom.
I agree with you that having a party in a yard with a pool in July and not offering the pool would be strange.
But I also think you’re being unfair to your wife. She doesn’t want to have a pool party. I think “our daughter can’t swim so one of us will have to spend the party in the pool with her” is an entirely reasonable reason to not want to have a pool party. Not wanting to throw a pool party for a group of small children that can’t swim isn’t unreasonable.
I know you don’t want to accept your wife’s reasoning but I think that’s a bad way to settle this issue. You should trust your wife even when you don’t agree with her.
Maybe she worries that
1. something could go wrong if one of the kids isn't properly supervised; and
2. if you're in the water with your daughter for 60-90 minutes, then she has to take care of all of the housing duties during that time, and she doesn't want to do all of that alone.
A bunch of adults hanging around the pool at a party is a dangerous combination with children. You really want to be certain that somebody is being responsible for the pool at all times. I would find a local teen whose lifeguard certified and pay her to watch the pool, maybe his wife would be ok with that.
We do this when we have parties at a relative’s house with a pool. Only my wife and I do this, lol, but I think it’s worth the piece of mind to hire a lifeguard for a few hours when we have a bunch of kids in and out of the water and adults milling around.
Curious how much that costs? It's a great idea for peace of mind. A relative held a pool party for a close family member a couple of years ago and I was so stressed out about my toddler the whole time. The party was entirely outdoors and I learned upon arrival that they had no fence around their in-ground pool (which legally they should here...) I ended up making my toddler wear a life jacket throughout the entire party, even during mealtime, and I watched like a *hawk*, but man it would have been nice to have a lifeguard too.
Last year we paid two teenaged lifeguards who work at a local rec pool $100 (and lunch) each for four hours of work. We let them rotate as they felt needed and to let each other take the breaks they needed. I think they each took maybe 20minutes of breaks during that time, but there was always a pair of eyes on the pool. We also established the rule among our guests that the lifeguards’ word was law (that was more for the lifeguards than our guests - half the people there were first law enforcement, EMS, or otherwise government employed).
I didn't think about that initially. She probably feels like she'd be somewhat responsible for keeping eyes on all the kids at all times due to the pool and their inability to swim without help. I would feel that way (even if their parents are present), and it would 1) cause anxiety and 2) prevent me from calmly tending to the things that need to be done during the party.
This changed my initial position of thinking she was being a bit unreasonable. If this is her concern, she should communicate about it honestly and clearly.
How do we know she did not communicate it clearly?
She said to her husband “she can’t swim” about their daughter and he says here that he immediately dismissed that reason because according to him all she needs is a tube and *him by her side the entire time.* He writes that as if it’s totally reasonable to host a pool party where the birthday child is unable to swim without a floatation device and one on one attention from an adult. That it’s completely reasonable to have one host that cannot help at all with the actual party.
To me it reads as him being unwilling to even listen to his wife, because even from his biased retelling her reasons aren’t unreasonable but yet he’s here saying “there must be something she isn’t telling me.”
She may have. OP said he thought she had some other reason she wasn't communicating, so maybe she needs to really spell it out for him. Or maybe he's just being hardheaded and ready to debate her at every turn, so he's not really hearing her or considering her points. Whatever the case, I am now firmly on mom's side of this.
Yep I would bet money mom is worried about the mental load for the day and then worrying about a pool with multiple kids that can't swim, including her own, so she's automatically going to be keeping one eye on the pool the entire time on top of everything else going on with a party. I could take about an hour of that before I would need a nap or I'd get cranky lol
I would only have a pool party if you’re willing to hire a couple of lifeguards. I would not trust parents to constantly watch their kids around a pool. That sounds like a huge liability.
Yeah, I stepped in this weekend for two kids this weekend who were play fighting and holding each other under water. The kids were part of a party at our community pool and clearly were distracted. My kids told me I wasn’t the lifeguard. I told them I’m not going to sit and watch kids drown.
People don't watch their kids at my kids' parties that don't have pools. I've had to save kids from touching hot grills, wandering out of the yard and even climbing the outside of my house. You have to have lifeguards if you're having kids at a pool party for a lot of reasons.
I'd personally prefer to have the pool in my own yard without the pool. The daughter can enjoy swimming any day she wants or even after the party with one friend, to make it manageable
There’s absolutely no way I’d host a pool party when I know for a fact that most of the kids can’t swim. You are thinking only of yourself and what you want here. Your guests may feel uncomfortable having their non-swimmer children around a pool, especially if they see your daughter playing and want in. The children are put at risk, including your own, because let’s be honest… parties are chaotic and there’s a lot going on that can distract you. Drowning can happen in seconds, is silent, and lots of children drown within accessible distance of an adult. Let me repeat that. Children have died within arms reach of an adult because that adult was momentarily distracted and did not know the child was in distress. Your parents could be opened to liability issues if something does go wrong. If you are focused on your daughter then your wife is in charge of all other aspects of the party. There’s no way I could focus on running the party smoothly since I’d be so focused on making sure the kids were safe. Sounds like your daughter can swim at grandparent’s often, so why fight your wife on this party plan? Pop up a tent in your own yard, throw on a sprinkler for the kids to play in.
Yeah I agree , I can see why OP would want this but looking further into it, I wouldn’t host a pool party except for older kids who could swim independently and only require supervision. I know of a colleague whose 6 year old nephew died at a pool party because he just quietly slipped under the water and was gone before anyone realised. I don’t see the benefit in constantly having to assist all the kids with swimming and supervising vigilantly , it’s a recipe for a lot of stress. Surely she can have some pool fun outside of the party itself, and save the party the stress.
The only kids’ pool party I’ve ever been to as a parent, it was made VERY CLEAR that no kids would be permitted in the pool without a parent to accompany them. We had tons of pool parties when I was a kid, but I was older. Even then, at my sisters’ 14th birthday party, a friend of mine had a seizure in the pool - we were really lucky that she was right next to her boyfriend, in the shallow end of the pool, and we could immediately call for help and get her out of the pool and call an ambulance. It was still terrifying - I was literally talking to her right before the seizure.
Agreed with this and also as a non swimmer (not for lack of trying to learn I swear I’m just aquatically challenged but will continue to try) and somebody who has a small child with a husband who is an excellent swimmer- I would not want a pool party for small children. Even if I could swim it’s too stressful to watch multiple kids and God forbid something happened it would literally e the worst bday party ever as well as traumatic. Parties are chaotic on their own and I would not want little toddlers near a pool even if my kid was older and could swim because I don’t want that responsibility. On top of the fact that she probably doesn’t want to host alone as that in itself is a lot of work plus she probably also wants to enjoy her child and have fun, not just dad on her bday. Just go any of the other days you usually go to the party. Yes parties should be about what the kid likes but safety over everybody out ways the desire of the bday kid. Dad is being pretty selfish and only thinking of what he wants. Also I cannot believe at 7 this kid ONLY likes to swim. I’m sure she has several other interest and likes to pick from. Sprinklers is a great compromise at OP’s house.
We have been having pool parties for our kids since they were 2 and we honestly haven’t even considered doing anything differently. Kids have always brought floaties or whatever and swam with their parents. There’s always been a couple kids that didn’t swim and stay inside playing. Honestly, it just feels weird to have a party at our house in the middle of the summer and it not to be a pool party.
I also feel like I will be way more worried about kids winning when they’re like 9 or 10 and think they can swim versus now when basically none of them can swim without life jackets or floaties. We’ve always said we’d hire a lifeguard for parties at the point that kids are swimming without vests by themselves.
I don’t know. I guess everyone has their own level of comfort with these kinds of things.
I absolutely would not invite a group of 1-2 year olds to a pool party unless they are immediate family. The risk is too high and you’re basically requiring the parents to come in bathing suits and go swimming which they might not want to do?
Why not just set up a bunch of sprinklers in your backyard? Everyone can play in the water and stay cool, no risk.
Why the hell would you have a pool party when your daughter can’t swim yet? Also, you will be responsible for watching all the kids and hoping they know how to swim well enough as well. How can you do that when you’ll be sitting and watching your daughter? Literally one of you will have to be glued to the pool leaving everything else to presumably the wife. Eeeesh no way. I’m with your wife dude.
At the age of 7 with half the kids being babies….all it takes is the adults to pay attention to something else or a kid to get away from them and there’s a ruined party with a dead baby/kid. No, thank you!
Thank you for voicing my first reaction.
OP: Your daughter can’t swim, but she “loves” swimming?! No. She likes being in the pool and probably the 1-1 time with you and her grandparents even more. Party time isn’t 1-1 dad/grandma time. She doesn’t love “swimming” if she can’t even do it yet.
1. OP, do your parents have enough home owners insurance to cover if a kid drowns in the pool?
2. Has your daughter actually voiced that this is her *only* dream for her party? Or would she be happy with other things?
3. Your wife is the mother to a daughter on the spectrum. I know that means she works extremely hard at parenting and is constantly diligent and on alert. Give her a break and let her plan the party the way she wants so she can even have a chance at finding “joy” in this party and appreciate all the people who came to celebrate and love your kid.
Edit: I don’t see anyone even mentioning dry drowning. Please look into this too, OP!
Edit 2:
1. Slow down grandma, it’s not even June. You still have a bit of time to get the pool ready for July, if that is what mama decides. Lay off with the pressure!
2. We are talking about a group of kids who probably can’t swim, not a group of kids who swim regularly (like those of you saying “we live in Florida and have swim parties year round.”) It’s not the same!!! *The birthday girl can’t swim,* AND her mom is concerned, and dad seems to be oblivious to the risk, not to mention careless about stress on his wife.
This isn’t *just* a case of inviting 7 year olds to a pool party. *It is a case of knowingly inviting non swimmers, including the birthday girl, to a party where mom voiced concerns about risk.*
OP - If something should happen and insurance got hold of that info (about you knowingly putting non swimmers at risk) your liability cost would skyrocket! Your parents would absolutely lose their house. This is not the same as if you hosted a bunch of 7 year olds you know to be decent swimmers! It’s just not. I am sorry that is the reality of the situation.
Maybe use her getting stronger at swimming, and working hard at it, this summer as an incentive for a pool party next year?
**Seriously, pool insurance is no joke, please make sure your parents are fully aware of their coverage, especially for hosting parties where it is known there is risk of non-proficient swimmers and small children drowning.**
Edit 3: I see you’ve changed your mind a bit - a pool party will be awesome next year or the year after, when your daughter can swim **strongly!**
And just FYI, I am not some pool pearl clutcher. My kids (now 9&11) have been on *competitive* swim teams since they were 5. We host pool parties *all the time,* even before swim team.
Having a pool party with “swimmers” and friends who may not be “good” but can at least pass a deep end swim test = awesome!
Having a pool party when the celebrant and most underage guests can’t swim = stressful at best - I know from experience (for your party parents of young non swimmers too - they also may not want to be in the pool with their kids, like your wife.) At worst is truly the worst . . . :(
All of all our “swim team friends” know not to do the following things, because they respect pools and swim safety, but other kids/parents who attend parties may not. Depending on the group we host, and the parents’ “boundaries” for appropriate behavior under their supervision, it sometimes entails a lot of my husband and I saying things like, “don’t hold people under water.”“Don’t run/horseplay/push people on the slippery pool deck.” “Don’t do backflips off the side of the pool, do them off the diving board!” “Do not throw your dirty shoes at people’s heads while they are in the water!” “Don’t dump soda in the pool.” Seriously, a lot of kids are maniacs - even if they are good swimmers, they just make dumb choices. While it doesn’t sound like your invitees would be this way at all, you just never know and it’s this extra stuff like this your wife may have to manage out of the pool (in the future when you and your daughter get your pool party ;))
A lifeguard is great when hosting a pool party where all the guests can swim. But if the guest of honor cannot swim and all the other kids are young enough that they likely cannot swim either? Do not throw a pool party, lifeguard or not. That’s a very dangerous idea. Your wife is right. No pool party. Rent, buy or borrow the shades for your house (you’ll likely use them in future if you buy them).
Yeah I have a very energetic and sort of feral three year old, and I have done a lot of time at kids birthday parties. They get *chaotic.* Everyone's best intentions aside, it is not hard for me to imagine a situation where my kid gets a wild hair and sprints for the pool. A backyard pool party with children who are non-swimmers sounds like hell.
I think what has to happen is, there’s swimming time when every kid is supervised closely by a parent, and then the pool time is over and the party moves away from the pool so the kids don’t have access to it anymore.
I mean, I have been to kids' parties that were set up basically like this - that took place at a YMCA/pool venue, with lifeguards. Mandatory parents in the pool with kids, at least 1:1 ratio, and then the 'pool' party ended and we decamped to an entirely separate room for cake. It was still stressful tbh, and my least favorite kind of kids birthday party. The likelihood that grandparent's house is set up so that the pool can be 100% inaccessible, and that all adults will be 100% vigilant, is much less than a corporate pool venue.
Have the party inside your house and get a slip n slide or a big inflatable sprinkler thing for your yard. Food, drinks, seating inside and wild loud itchy summer kid adventures outside.
Flipping the script, now seems like a great time to invest in some lawn projects to make your own yard more fun and usable for summertime. You've got a month or so - what could you do in that time? Plastic Adirondack chairs, a couple umbrellas or a shade sail, and a splitter for your hose could get a lot done on a smallish budget.
EDIT AFTER YOUR EDITS: But you *are* a scumbag, Mr. Not All Men. You responded to a post with "Happy wife, happy(ish) life, right?" And then you want to say that societal gender stereotypes are bad? Get over yourself, manchild.
Probably because it's easy for kids to drown at pool parties without people noticing until it's too late. Nearly 40% of kids that go to the ER for drowning events had it happen at pool parties or in new swimming environments. There's lots of commotion with kids running around, in and out of the house to use the restroom, jumping in the pool, splashing etc. Adults get distracted and let their guard down because so many other adults are around and think it's safe since they assume someone else is also watching. I think your wife doesn't want the liability and the extra responsibility on her hands if she can avoid it, it's stressful enough hosting a party, adding the swimming pool and inexperienced swimmers really ups the danger factor. Wait a couple more years until all the kids are experienced with swimming and/or hire a lifeguard. You could do other water stuff: water balloons, water guns, inflatable water slide rental, slip and slide etc.
This is so true. I’m not sure where I read it, but the more adults that are around when a child is swimming, the riskier it gets. Everyone assumes someone else is watching. Maybe for the first hour, everyone is vigilant. But then nothing bad happens, so adults start to relax. Combine that with distraction and kids who can’t swim, it turns into a disaster.
it’s so true
I almost drowned when I was 7 in our backyard pool.
I’m 34 now and still very traumatized. I was lucky because my cousin saw me and saved my life
Don't ruin the party, by insisting on having a bunch of tiny kids risking drowning. Google all the kids who drown at pool parties. It starts with adults claiming they will be watching. It ends with adults they saw the other one watching.
You are going overboard here. Just let the pool issue go. It's part of your wife's mental load. You saying you will focus on the pool, means you won't be available to help with anything else. Mom will have to do it all, because Dad wants to show off his parents pool. Let it go.
Exactly right on both points.
Op, look up what happened at Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson's son's birthday party back in the day. It's extremely common for accidents to happen around pools, even for strong swimmers. Water is no joke. I would be extremely weary of sending a young child to a pool party and you should be weary of the liabilities that come with it. Your parents would be on the hook too.
If you insist, take the other commenters advice and hire lifeguard(s). It still won't be completely fool-proof, but it might reassure your spouse and the other parents.
I would not insist all parents get in the pool with their kids. That’s weird. Just like your wife doesn’t want to swim, neither would some parents. I wouldn’t.
Your daughter loves to swim but she can swim any another time. Don’t stress your wife out over this.
I’m with your wife honestly. I’m a former lifeguard and water safety instructor. I’ve guarded birthday parties (at public pools). Most of my saves took place during birthday parties because they’re just too chaotic for parents to remain focused on their kids at all times. 7 is just such a young age. Your own daughter cannot swim independently. You may be safe around a pool with your kid, but you can’t depend on others to be as well. At birthday parties, kids usually like to run around somewhat independently. Parents usually like to be able to relax and chat with other parents. A pool party with young kids who don’t know how to swim yet is not at all conducive to this. And the risks and consequences of something going wrong (drowning) are just way too high. And then you and your parents are also liable since you’re hosting this on your private property. Just no. Not until the kids are much older and all swimming independently, and then guest list needs to be kept small and a lifeguard needs to be hired.
I agree that it would be weird to have a birthday party in a yard with a pool and not have the pool available. I’d just do it at your place.
How is not having a pool party a reason to get upset? lol She gave you multiple legitimate reasons when you asked. I would personally never host a pool party when multiple of the kids can’t swim, including my own child. No one needs to worry about kids drowning when they’re trying to host a party.
I would rent the tents and have it in your own back yard.
I personally hated my kids getting invited to pool parties.
They are dangerous and I always hung around to watch that my kid didn’t drown
Do something else. Something safe.
Edit — and why are you fighting for this ANYWAY???? Why do you care if this party isn’t at your mom’s house???
i think, too, parents of 1 young child who can’t swim have an obscured view of what it’s like for other parents.
we’ve had a swim club membership for 4 years and watching 2 kids in the water isn’t twice as hard, it’s infinitely harder. i can’t imagine trying to watch more than that because by the time we come home, i am exhausted from the extreme level of constant vigilance and my head being on a swivel.
i think the only way i’d be willing to do a pool party with mine is if my husband or mom could come, too.
>and why are you fighting for this ANYWAY????
Because it's what the kid wants? It's purportedly favorite thing. It's unclear why that hasn't translated to lessons and competency swimming, but he's not a bad guy for wanting this for her. As several other comments have suggested, and what my parents did when I was growing up, hire a lifeguard. With that it would be as safe as other activities people like to do for birthday parties at that age, like trampoline parks
Your wife thinks that everyone else, including the parents with the toddlers, are going to be in the pool the entire time and she is going to basically be by herself handling all of the work while everyone else has a great time without her, and she’s not wrong. I get that you want to have a fun party for your daughter but your wife needs to be able to have fun with her and the other guests as well. Pick another venue.
Wow I am so shocked at all the reasonable responses here because I feel like I am the only parent who is constantly anxious about kids unsupervised in pools. I have been to way too many pool parties where parents toss some floaties on a two year old who can't swim without them and go and have a few drinks. I watch others kids along with mine just as a result of fear and paranoia.
I am with your wife here. People at pool parties always think their kid is safe because adults are around. Drowning is silent. Even my older kid (who can swim fairly well) is watched at a pool party because kids can be rowdy, like to jump, accidentally hurt one another... and suddenly that swimmer is hurt and not swimming so well anymore. A pool party for non-swimmers is just a bad idea.
I think a lot of people haven't actually put the effort into actively swimming with a young kid.
It's like holding a 25 to 50 lb rock constantly. 99.9% of the time that rock will float, but at any point over the course of a 2 to 4 hour period that rock will sink to the bottom of the pool without warning.
Great point! My older kid who is a fairly confident swimmer took a gulp of water from laughing while swimming. This perfect floater went down like a rock and luckily grabbed my hair as she was going down to make sure I saw her. I was right next to her but not looking directly at her and am still anxious remembering that thinking what if I wasn't in the pool or watching her when that had happened. She is only 6 so while she can swim, she may not have been able to help herself in that new and scary situation.
I hate pool parties with young kids. The last one I was at we almost lost a kid because the dad was getting a ball for the dog, and every other adult in the pool was preoccupied with their own kid. Luckily the kid was noticed in time, but it was scary.
And can I just say it sounds like YOU want the pool party. Did you even ask what type of party your 7 yr old wants? Just because she likes swimming doesn’t mean she’ll want a pool party.
We own a house with a pool and have regular pool parties when the weather allows so let me offer you my perspective:
Your wife is probably exhausted just thinking about the logistics of the party. With little kids involved, there's going to be a lot of potty breaks, multiple kids that need a shower after swim time, wet floor that needs to be mopped, making sure snacks and drinks are reachable by the pool side, and just making sure the kids don't get too rowdy around the pool.
As someone who is only okay with the idea of a swimming pool, I find it positively exhausting when my spouse has to stay in the pool with one or more of the younger children and I have to play host by replenishing drinks and snacks, socializing, and making sure everything is moving according to schedule. At the end of the day, I always wish we didn't have a pool or just simply had an alternate fun plan where I don't have to play the frazzled host.
Ask her more patiently, this is probably her reasoning too.
Yes, we've actually ended up having a pool party where my toddler couldn't even get in the pool because we were busy preparing the food and we had to listen to her complaining about it. I love our pool but not hosting a pool party.
Hmm it’s not your pool right? It’s not like your wife wants to have a summer party with no swimming when you own the pool. You are kind of railroading your wife into a pool party when she hates them and will have to own the work of the party while you hang out int the pool with kids. I Your backyard is perfectly nice sounding. Given your wife isn’t on board, but a slip n slide or sprinklers. That’s really fun and doesn’t have a drowning risk. Your kid gets to go to your parents all the time, so she’s not missing out in my opinion.
I love swimming and so does my toddler (who isn't quite proficient yet) but I wouldn't want this party either.
At most parties, there are lots of things to do so I can't imagine being able to stay in the pool long otherwise my spouse would have to do everything else. This would create an issue as my daughter wouldn't want out of the pool for some time.
I'd also worry about adults not watching their kids. My friend with a pool nearly had a kid drown in hers at a bday party as the girl had gotten out with her mom, taken off her life vest and mom got caught up talking and didn't see she'd gotten back in and sunk. She was ok, but it was a perfect illustration of "when everyone is watching, no one is watching."
Compromise: ask her if she'd be ok with inviting a few of her friends for swim and dinner another time.
Also, could you install some sun sails and get a splash pad for your backyard?
Yeah especially if daughter doesn’t know how to swim. I can see how if I were in the wife’s shoes I would feel very uncomfortable with a bunch of kids swimming, knowing at least one isn’t a strong swimmer (probably more than one), while also having to host and manage a birthday party. On top of whatever dynamic exists between mom and the in laws. Personally when I’m at in laws house I stress over every little mess my kids make, I can’t imagine throwing a party at my in laws house. It seems overwhelming. Maybe hiring a lifeguard would be step 1 towards assuaging moms anxieties over doing this? But also more communication is needed to figure out what the real issue is.
Yes, my daughter is seven and a very competent swimmer and I won't host pool parties. I allow her to have a few friends with their parents, but no birthday cakes or anything to worry about at the same time. Also OP said the other children invited are toddlers.
Pool parties are normal where I live in Southern California and age isn't an issue. If you require parents to go in with their kid at all times and also hire a lifeguard, it's totally fine. Seven year olds are not too young to swim, that's just absurd.
Not saying too young to swim, I’m saying that a pool party, as described here, is a great recipe for accidental drowning. If the parents are reliably 1:1 and there is a dedicated lifeguard, maybe. On the other hand, I did attend a pool party for a 6 year old (with my then 5 year old) and very few of the kids there could swim. Only a few of the kids could swim and it was two hours of monitoring my non-swimming kid who wanted to play with her friends. :/
Nothing against swimming — it’s the combo of different ages of children, home pool, non-swimmers, party atmosphere and distracted adults. With one or two lifeguards, I can soften my opinion a bit — but as a former lifeguard, it sounds like too many risks all together. One on one surfing with your kid is a totally different subject. I swam like a fish by age 5, but my 6 year old does not and it has changes many of my opinions about water safety.
I feel bad for most of the kids of parents in this sub. I too was a life guard. We never hire life guards for pool days. That just seems so extra. Especially when we’re talking three kids lol. Hey to each their own I guess. I guess if you’re rich and you want to hire a life guard for each kid go for it. I prefer just getting in with the kids and watching them myself.
It's the party aspect that's specifically the problem.
Too many parents don't realize they need to be actively watching their kid.
Your 3 year old surfing went fine because you were actively engaged and watching her.
Never once did I say you shouldn’t be watching your kid in the pool. I have pool parties often. And I am in the pool with them. It’s not that hard to watch kids in a pool.
Pool parties are really hard on parents when kids are younger. 7 feels right on the edge - a lot of 7yos may not know how to swim well yet. We only just started going to real pool parties this year, as my daughter and her friends started turning 8. (And we live in hot, hot, hot Texas so lots of people have pools and pool parties are very common.) By 8, most kids can swim well on their own and parents can watch from the shade of the deck. But 7 is hit or miss still.
I can say that even as a parent who loves to swim, I don't relish the idea of putting on a bathing suit and getting in the pool at a kid's birthday party. I also think there are just too many potential safety issues with little kids and a pool to make me feel super comfortable about hosting a pool party with littles. If it's just 3 or 4 kids, it's not as big a deal, but get any more than that in the pool and it turns into chaos quickly.
I do love the idea of hiring a lifeguard if you're having a bigger party! Would help the safety/stress issue a lot. But that's assuming all the kids in the water will know how to swim and just need someone to watch for an emergency.
One thing that works well is other water activities. Like a fun sprinkler or splash pad. And reusable water balloons and water guns. Things to keep kids cool, without worrying about the issues around a pool.
Dude:
1. Your wife doesn’t want an outside party in the hot July sun, with or without a pool.
2. Even with other parents there, young kids and pools are dangerous and stressful. If someone gets hurt, it’s your wife’s fault… or she will feel like it is.
3. She may not want a party with your parents.
4. Instead of assuming that this is the ~only~ thing your daughter wants (when she does it all the time) why don’t you ask your wife what other options she has in mind?
Mom of child with AuDHD kiddo here - read ALL edits dad…
I don’t think everyone is trying to call you a shite dad. There could be a LOT of things at play here and let me go through a few of them with you…
1) Our 11yo daughter who is also Dx’d AuDHD is 100% a MERMAID addicted to water (and has had swimming lessons since age 2) wants a pool party every single year! She’s AMAZING in the water…
YET… part of her issues with learning mean lack of confidence in self, so every year we do swimming lessons (she’s been in special Olympics AND MEDALED… for swimming, skiing and track) just because, she gets bored and recalls everything in day 1-2. But… it’s how we roll so she keeps her confidence up.
2) With a child on the spectrum, you have parents on… a spectrum. Some watch, some are just so thankful to have other adults to talk to, etc… so you can’t count on that AND
(Huge point here!!!)
Opening a residential pool means OPENING LIABILITY! Which means… owners (which are you wife’s IL’s… which now means your wife feels obligated to police CHILDREN IN WATER vs enjoying her daughter’s bday because they aren’t her parents… and who’s going to get the bill if/when something happens plus - drowning risks - no joke - it happens ALLTHETIME!)
3) In-Laws… I’m old (50) and my filter is gone. In-laws like and tend to blame “the other side’s” genetics because they don’t understand autism and often don’t fully believe in it and think “they’ll grow out of it” (ask me how I know!!! It took living with them to help them and THEIR friend from church being her teacher for them to finally accept…) so having a nice property with a nice pool is the PERFECT opportunity to demonstrate that their grandchild is amazing (she IS!!!) and kids on the spectrum do life differently with a crowd (overstimulation) around and also sensing a parent’s stress vs “being at Gma & Gpa’s all the time at the pool.”
So this is absolutely a NO situation to help your wife relax and enjoy her daughter’s bday party.
Your idea for water games at your place is PERFECT! NOT because you’re a bad dad, not because wife doesn’t trust you… but because a lot of concern and other layers go into it and you’re not getting it. They’re your parents so you’ll always feel totally chill at their home and on their presence. Your wife will not. That’s not a “her” issue - it’s LIFE! In your mom’s eyes, your wife will never be the mom she was (because you’re fine, right?! So everything we’ve learned in the last 30yrs is just “labels”) and anything you guys do differently is your wife being “helicopter” or judging your mom’s parenting.
TLDR - There are more layers at play and this isn’t a “you suck as a dad judgment.”
Your wife is too exhausted to even think about how to keep little kids from drowning on top of the normal party planning stuff.
I don’t host parties with pools or trampolines. Nope. Not for me.
I definitely would not have a pool party if my kids and most of the other kids can’t swim. If we got invited to one at that young of an age, I would decline because I have no interest in being in a bathing suit around strangers and also don’t want to make sure the kids aren’t drowning. I like socializing with parents at parties, I can’t do that if I’m making sure someone isn’t drowning
Is your wife in charge of invites, decorations, presents, food, cake, etc? If yes, I wouldn’t say that she isn’t prepared here but rather that she would like to enjoy her daughter’s party rather than being on drowning duty for her and other small children as well as keeping the party going.
She is also probably not wanting your parents to be on the hook in case something happens. It isn’t like when many of us were kids, every time I host an event I have to ensure that we’re covered in case someone gets hurt and is feeling litigious. Less than that though, she probably just doesn’t want the life or death stress.
Get some sprinklers for your yard and call it a day if you really want a water party.
I’ve loved swimming all my life. I was on a team as a child, took endless lessons, and love to take my child swimming. I also have had a friend drown and felt that pain. I respect the water and understand its danger. I would never host a pool party that includes non-swimmers- it is such a liability and too much of a risk. You can hire a lifeguard, buy lifejackets and equipment, but I still wouldn’t do it. Children can drown so quickly and it’s so hard to revive them via CPR. Are you and your wife CPR certified?
Your wife is 100% in the right on this one, and I don’t care what her reasoning is, because whether it’s her main concern or not, the fact of the matter is that without a professional lifeguard, ie an adult who is a strong swimmer and whose only job is to watch the kids in the water, not enjoy the party or be distracted in any way, this is a disaster waiting to happen.
Unless you can hire a lifeguard or beg a friend to do it, do NOT do this.
I’m personally not a big pool person and so it’s not the type of party I’d want to throw for my child. It would feel like a lot more work and not be enjoyable for me. Being in the pool for 90 minutes of a kids party is also most of the party. It sounds like your daughter is there and in the pool quite frequently, so a few hours without it to celebrate her birthday shouldn’t be a big deal.
Rather than continuing to try to poke holes in your wife’s reasons, which isn’t going to change her mind, you should let the pool go or you’re going to end up making her feel even more resentful.
i kind of get your wife here tbh. accidental drowning is the leading cause of death for kids 4 and under, and most that occur from the ages 1-4 happen in a home swimming pool. it would give me anxiety, too. it’s really not much of a party if everyone is just trying to watch their kids like a hawk and not socialize.
perhaps it would be worth asking if she’d consider hiring a lifeguard or two. lots of high school kids lifeguard over the summer.
I know this isn’t what the post is about, but unless a doctor has told you that she’s “incredibly skinny” then I wouldn’t be putting too much emphasis on that. The average size of a 7 year old is actually 47.7 inches and 49lbs, so your daughter is marginally above average which is perfectly normal and healthy. Even if she was incredibly skinny, or not incredibly skinny, what matters most is their overall growth pattern. I only point this out because so many parents think their child is underweight, which can lead to pushing them to eat more and developing overall harmful habits.
But on to the pool part… having a pool party for young kids is stressful and all of the responsibility falls on the adult that’s in charge. If something bad happens, a kid drowns, or even a kid is running and slips on the wet concrete, the homeowner is responsible. Sounds like that’s not the reason that your wife gave, but ultimately you have to come to an agreement, and you can’t overrule her just because her reasons aren’t making sense.
That part stood out to me too; probably cause my 9-year-old is 51lbs but 4'6" (she been tested a lot and she's fine) so the "incredibly skinny" thing was a bit funny.
Right. I see so many parents stressing over how skinny their kid is and it’s usually because some well meaning grandparent keeps telling them “you need to feed her more! She’s so skinny!” Ultimately it can be just as harmful as telling a child they are too big and they need to eat less.
Will there be lifeguard there? Will you be helping with hosting? Perhaps your wife feels stress about the thought of hosting while you’re in pool. I personally wouldn’t have a pool party unless there was someone assigned to watch the pool.
7 is too young for a pool party.
She said no. Let it go. Your kid has her whole summer ahead of her to swim with you in the pool across the street from her home.
I am a fish and I would veto this too. The risk of accidental drowning doesn’t seem worth it at all to me. 3 out of the 5 kids can’t swim and at 7 your kid is the oldest. I’m a firm believer that in this instance the ratio is 1 kid 1 adult whose job it is to exclusively watch that one kid. Because kids do sometimes sneak off on their own. I have heard horror story after horror story where every adult assumed someone else was watching the kids.
I assume that you would be willing to be the 1 adult for your kid but that means you are not available to help with any of the other party needs, leaving her to run the party herself.
Your daughter can swim another day but by keeping the pool away from the children, all children have a better chance of making it to their next birthday.
P.s. after reading dad’s edits, I wish I could downvote him again.😒
I don’t know why you’re giving your wife a hard time in this. Planning a kids birthday party and hosting is already stressful enough. Now she has to worry about a pool and kids who can’t swim and risk possible drowning for some of these kids??? It’d be a no for me too. Parties are chaotic and there’s always parents who won’t be watching their kids.
Your daughter will have plenty of years for pool parties. That’s a much better theme for tweens.
having kids aged 1-3 around a pool is tough. It’s exhausting and very stressful as a parent to watch them *that* intently. Toddlers have tantrums about wearing life vests. Toddlers will run on the pool deck and slip. You’ll tell toddlers to stay away from the water but they’ll get too close to the edge of the pool anyway. They’re just drawn to the water. Even if there are no safety mishaps, at least one of them will probably poop in the pool and swim diapers sometimes fail.
I’d tell my daughter that while it’s her birthday party, as a hostess her job is to ensure that she accommodates all her guests and ensures that people have fun. If she wants a “yes day” (a day where she gets to pick anything she wants), that needs to be with nuclear family only. Not a birthday party with guests. Or she can have *one* friend over for a swim day.
And if your child cannot swim, Flotation devices like tubes are *not safe* because it gives the child over-inflated-self-confidence on their swimming abilities. That’s how kids that don’t know how to swim go in the water when nobody else is looking. Plus, what if the tube slips out from underneath her while she’s using it?
get her into swim classes.
ETA: and if you’re in the water with your child the whole time, your wife is going to have to host the whole party. She’ll be responsible for bringing out all the food, drinks, and ice refills. She’ll have to manage the timing of food, presents, cake, and ensuring someone is taking pictures, etc. even if you set-up ahead of time, that is **a lot** of work.
I was ready to get all upset at your wife based on the title of this post but after reading, I think I’m squarely in her corner on this one. Sorry guy.
Look she’s right. Throwing a party for a bunch of small children is you know a reasonably dangerous activity? Everyone has to be super on point watching the kids and you know she wants to make a fun party that doesn’t revolve around your daughter being in the pool the whole time. Plus, you are saying that your daughter swims literally all the time she doesn’t need to swim this day as well. Maybe she even wants to have the party at *gasp* your own house because she’s throwing the party not your parents.
It is MORE work to keep the kids ALIVE
https://www.aquaticsintl.com/facilities/management-operators/killer-parties_o
https://www.cbc.ca/amp/1.6857313
https://www.yourtango.com/news/if-kids-cant-swim-should-they-attend-pool-parties
Yikes to your edits.
If you don’t want people to make suggestions or give their opinions, don’t post asking for advice. People don’t know you, or know your unique situation so of course they’re going to make interpretations based on generalisations. It’s not assuming that all fathers are deadbeats, its just people giving their interpretations and assumptions from a mom’s POV.
Non swimmers at a pool party is a safety risk, but having a party with a pool and not offering swimming would be strange.
just let them run through sprinklers in your backyard instead?
If something happened to a child in your parent’s pool they may be personally liable, different than being at the city pool, etc.
A pool party would be a great idea in a couple of years. Maybe let your kid ask for the pool party when you know she and her friends are capable of handling it.
Throw your own party since you know so much sir. If the burden of hosting and planning is on mom, she decides what she's comfortable with.
She may also not like that you are involving your mommy in this. Have the party at your house, rent some tents cheapo. Seems like you want what's easy on you, and not what's best for your kid. If she can't swim why are you insisting on a pool party?
I'm with mom on this one, you sound stupid.
I think you need to find a new venue for the party. Maybe a park or someone else's yard that doesn't have a pool.
Take your daughter swimming on your own time.
Your wife is right.
I wouldn’t want a pool party with young kids either. There are many reasons not to biggest is liability! Your wife has good reasons even though you don’t agree. If the pool is a thing you and your mother are going to have to constantly be supervising it; regardless of whether or not parents go in with their kids. Adults may not want to go in pool but feel obligated to take kids in to prevent tantrums. Your wife will be entertaining everyone not in the pool at all times plus getting ready any food, cake, or anything else folks need while they are there. Maybe safe play is to have it at your house if you’re concerned about not allowing use of pool if you have it at mom’s.
It's all safety from any chance of remotely anything happening sexaul
But the system makes money off of it without it or who ever having to admit guilt in any way
The party is for your daughter to hang out with friends. Do you think you're hosting a BBQ with adults? You aren't entertaining in that way, homes.
If she doesn't swim, you will pull friends away from your daughter. High IQ award goes to you, sir.
With the edits I feel so sorry for him and his wife. I hope he can have his own birthday party where he goes in the pool with his daughter.
I'm not sure why he keeps brushing off the opinions saying they're gender stereotyping. He's specifically saying he would watch the kid in the pool which specifically means he wouldn't act as party host. Is he clueless? One time my husband went to get food for a party we had. But we didn't need the food and he was literally gone for half the party getting it. So I had to host by myself. This isn't about gender stereotyping. It's just about hosting.
Plus, toddlers can drown in literally one inch of water and if your wife is not a water person hosting a party for a ton of kids sounds like an incredibly stressful experience and I don’t think you’re taking into account her feelings whatsoever.
I think your wife is being reasonable. I wouldn't want the responsibility of having supervising a bunch of young children at a pool. It can be stressful enough keeping them fed, safe, happy, and kind at a birthday party, more so if other adults are present and you feel the pressure to chat and entertain/feed them too.
How can a person hosting a party go in the pool? They have to serve food and drinks. Help direct kids and adults to the bathroom. Bring the cake out. Greet people. Monitor gifts if any given. Wearing a bathing suit is probably the least concern. But it's a good point that in general, the wife could have valid reasons for not wanting to host a pool party.
That's a really weird reason to dictate how your kid celebrates her birthday. Don't impose your body issues on your kid. The parents don't need to be in suits anyway if they just hire a lifeguard.
Hiring a lifeguard is cheaper than birthday packages at anywhere I've looked to host my kid's parties and would allow the kid to do her favorite activity with a few friends. It's fine if they decide to do something else, but everyone attacking dad is overreacting. And assumimg mom is motivated by body image issues is just weird.
I didn’t let my daughter go to pool parties until she actually knew how to swim and that was about 11 or 12. I think you need to have a talk with your wife and see what her actual reasons are. For me having to have the party at MIL’a house would be reason enough for me.
Hot tub drownings —-
https://www.wdtv.com/2024/04/25/child-taken-hospital-after-nearly-drowning-hot-tub/?outputType=amp
https://aquaticattorney.com/hot-tub-drowning/
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Sorry you’re so frustrated OP, I get both perspectives. Sounds like it’s a relatively small party with only 6 kids total, including the bday kid, which I agree sounds very doable with some planning, especially if you have extra floaties, a lifeguard, etc. I also understand why your wife might think it’s a hassle and not personally appealing to her as one of the party hosts.
But based on how you wrote the initial post and your edits, I’m guessing there are deeper issues and dissatisfactions at play here and I hope you and your wife are taking the time to tend to your marriage and address any schisms that may be forming ❤️
I don't don't see anything wrong with not wanting to do a pool party, or dealing with that stress... Drowning happens a lot in birthday & family parties... But your wife's choice of where shouldn't have been alongside a pool IMO.
Can the where be switched?
We live in Florida, pool parties and beach parties were always a norm for us & the people we associated with. We’ve thrown many and attended many for bdays, sport team parties, last day of school etc…My pool was always filled with our neighborhood kids. But my kids (26, 22 and 20) all knew how to swim by the time they were a year old .
Can you set up other water activities like sprinklers , water balloons, slip & slides instead of a full blown pool party as a compromise etc ?
Your wife can't swim and she doesn't want to be responsible for a pool for of kids. It's that simple. She doesn't feel comfortable. Unless you are going to be policing in the pool the entire time, which I highly doubt, it won't work. You aren't wrong to want it, but it can definitely be stressful, especially not knowing if the friends are good in water.
My June birthday boy had pool parties since he turned 6. They have always been at my mom's house since she has the pool and we have always hired a lifeguard for the party. It made everyone feel better.
Either: 1- find a different location without a pool. Playground, etc. 2-hire a couple of certified life guards. One to watch all the swimmers, and one to be in the pool, for one hour. Outside of that hour the pool is closed.
Does your mom want to host the party and open the pool?
You are asking your mom to do work. It sounds like your wife is picking up on that, and you are not.
If your mom offered the pool and is happy to share it, awesome. But if you invited yourself and she doesn't want to host, sounds like renting tents it is.
Man, I feel like a weirdo who has had and been going to pool parties my kids whole lives. I had no idea that 7 was too young for a pool party. Lol
Anyway, it sounds like your wife is not comfortable around pools. If she doesn't want to deal with the pool, that's fine. You said your daughter swims 4 or 5 times a week, so it's not like this is her only chance to swim this summer. Do squirt guns and water balloons and a sprinkler for the party and let the pool thing slide. Being a parent host at someone else's house is stressful enough, she doesn't need the added stress of the pool that makes her uncomfortable.
So are you going to have a lifeguard there so these random children, who have unknown water safety skills, can be in the water?
If not, then I think she's right. A pool party at that age sounds horrendous, personally.
If you want a pool party that's fine but you need to go all out with safety and not make it your wife's problem.
We had a family host a pool party. A family just arrived while they were saying hello, one of the kids just jumped in. I was in a chair by the pool. The kids were all young and mine couldn't swim well enough to jump in like that. I didn't see him pop back up right away. I got out of my chair and hustled to the edge. I saw the kid at the bottom. Just there...you know...not really doing anything swimming-like. I jumped in pulled them out. The parents freaked out about how they didn't see him. He didn't know how to swim and how thankful they were to me. It cost me a new cell phone. I wanted to ask them to cover it, but I felt like an asshole if I did that. I just hoped they would offer...they didn't! lol
As a mom on a 21 month old, who would definitely be tailing my daughter at a party, a pool would stress me out. I would probably opt out of coming. But this should also be fine because the party is for a 7 year old? Seems appropriate for a 7 year old. To stressful for me to have a toddler there.
You had me until you threw the racism thing in there and then I'm like well these commentors have this guy pegged. I assure you that stereotyping you on a website where you asked for opinions is the same as slavery, but your victim compmex tells me your wife is probably right and I'd love to hear her side of this.
You could hire a couple of lifeguards and buy like a whole bunch of life vests for children? Tell the parents if their child will be in the pool, parental supervision is mandatory while they are swimming.
Also who would be running the entire party while you are in the pool with your daughter? Maybe your wife would like help with BBQ and cake and getting drinks for guests and helping her supervise party games and stuff like that.
The only reason I say this is because on Sun we had a bunch of 7yo children running around at my 3yo's bday party. It was really hectic for me to supervise the things and having all the children running back and forth and trying to keep track of who's plate is who's and drinks and just EVERYTHING, was a lot. My fiance was caught up talking with my children's father who was there and when I asked them to come over and help, things went so much smoother.
If you guys were to have slip and slides and sprinklers and a kiddie pool and things like that, it would be easier for the kids to entertain themselves and have the adults kind of sit back and relax.
I didn't read all the comments, but as a mom to a kid with a July birthday, I read the post as a dad who just wants to throw a really fun birthday party for his daughter. People can be really unnecessarily intense and judgmental with their comments on here.
FWIW, we don't have a pool but always do water games, including an inflatable water slide, at my daughters bday party, and the kids have a GREAT time. Parents are usually happy with a cold drink under the tent (though I know you wanted to avoid renting tents).
I've thrown birthday pool parties for my kids. My mother-in-law, however, has not. No shade to her -- it isn't her job to host my kid's birthday party, and I don't think I'd enjoy the stress of following her rules if she did.
This is totally common where in Florida. I’ve never seen anything like this sub being so afraid of pool parties. We have all the neighbor kids over every weekend for a swim.
While I personally love the idea of a pool party, it sounds like there will be quite a few little kids present. Maybe at this age another option would be to rent one of those big inflatable water slides?
We just recently had a pool party for my son and we told parents if the kids are swimming they need a life jacket/floatie on at all times when in the pool area
My local pool makes kids swim a lap before they are allowed to join the birthday pool party. Pool party with young kids that aren't strong swimmers would make me nervous. Also, she might not want to entertain the whole time on her own while you are on pool supervision duty.
Another thing to consider, and this is me, I don't like entertaining while wearing a bathing suit, even if I'm not in the water the whole time, jumping in the pool then getting out, and hosting while wet etc not my idea of a great time. Hosting is stressful, adding the extra pressure of young kids swimming...I would not do it till they are all older and stronger swimmers
Re:edit #1: “I and my mother” or “I and her mother/my wife”?
ETA: nevermind, I see.
But maybe your wife has a phobia, or is uncomfortable with your parents somehow? It’s worth a discussion and you trying not to get mad.
I'm with your wife on this one.
Drowning is the 4th most leading cause of death for kids between 5 and 9. It _is_ the leading cause of death for kids between 1 and 4. Specifically, 1 and 4 most often drown in pools. [source](https://www.nejm.org/doi/full/10.1056/NEJMsr1804754).
Brain death can start in just 30 seconds of oxygen deprivation. Put 30 second timer on. Repeat that for 2 hours. I bet (1) you can't actually enjoy anything other than actively watching your kid (2) you'll be extremely annoyed by constantly checking in on your kid.
These types of group pool parties are an incredible danger. You get a bunch of partially distracted parents and a bunch of toys going into the pool. 30 seconds of a parent stepping in to grab food or a drink and suddenly you could have a dead kid.
I have hosted a kid pool party. I hired a lifeguard, provided extra life jackets, puddle jumpers, and pool floats, and many parents went in the pool with the kids. We had a great time.
If you did have the pool party, I would put on the invitation that “To swim in the pool, an adult is required to be in the pool with your child at all times” or however you want to word that the adult to child will be at 1-1 at all times.
Put a puddle jumper on your kid and watch her in the pool. My FIL has a pool and his daughter has had a pool party for her birthday. It was fine, they just put on the invite that parents need to stay for the party and supervise their children in the pool and they suggested on the invite that parents bring puddle jumpers and towels for their kid.
Edit: I had no idea so many kids drowned at pool parties 😬
If you insist, maybe hire a lifeguard for the party
We have a pool day (not necessarily party) every weekend in the summer. I can’t believe all the comments in this thread. The most ridiculous parents I have ever heard of. We have 5-10 kids under 6 every weekend and a big blow up slide. Everyone always has a blast. The key to safety is always be in the pool when kids are in, and make all non swimmers wear a life jacket. That’s it. Plus when you are in usually 3-4 other parents are in too. Everyone has a blast!
Pathetic that you even had to write that last edit. I’m so tired of that narrative with fathers.
I agree with you that the party should be at your parents. I absolutely hate outdoor birthday parties during the summer because where I am it’s so damn hot.
My daughter’s party will be at our amenity center in our HOA but the real party will be in the amenity pool. Her bday is also during the summer and options are limited (and I don’t want all those people in my house)
Good luck. I hope it’s a fun party. You sound like a good dad who just wants your daughter (and guests!) to enjoy a birthday party :((
Ask her if hiring a life guard would help. I would not have a pool party for a 7 year old without having a trained life guard present. I might even say that for children of any age.
Can you keep the party really small to just parents you know and trust to watch the kids, and even just family. No one remembers if there were 20 vs 5 friends at their party. And hiring a lifeguard is a great idea.
Otherwise let your wife suggest an indoor activity that she would be fine with and help her plan that.
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I am also not a water person, and hosting a pool party for very small kids sounds incredibly stressful. Technically the parents should be watching them, but what if they don't? Is there room to set up a splash pad or slip n slide? Or get squirt guns? I understand the water play but I would do it in a non-drowning-potential way.
>Is there room to set up a splash pad or slip n slide? Or get squirt guns? I understand the water play but I would do it in a non-drowning-potential way. I was thinking they could do the first hour of the party, or an hour pre party, as swim time. Then, any families who don't want their kids to swim can come "late" and there is a dedicated swimming only time where there are no other responsibilities beyond swimming and supervising swimmers.
That's a good idea! Do the swim, then everyone out of the pool for food and party.
We have done it the other way around. We open the pool at the end of the party and tell everyone. Anyone who wants to stay can do so, and the parents are responsible for supervising their own kids. We also do a no large floaties rule so that kids heads are always visible and it makes the supervision that much less stressful.
We did it for my son’s 5th and it was an absolute blast. Life guards, plural, are a must! The idea of making a parent go in with the kid is flawed. Most the time, especially for a little girls party, the mom will be the parent attending and 80% percent of moms do not feel comfortable being in their bathing suit around their peers. Also, at 7 at least half the kids should be capable swimmers. Go to the local college, swim instructor school, community pool, tons of options and offer a couple life guards 150 each for the 3 hours and a good time will be had by all! Ooo, and setup shade areas for the parents and lots of cold water bottles!
I was going to suggest hiring lifeguards to put mom at ease but also because parents are notorious for not watching their children as well at birthday parties. 3 or 4 lifeguards (depending on size of pool) could put parents minds at ease and give dedicated people to watch the children and take that stress off Mom.
I agree with you that having a party in a yard with a pool in July and not offering the pool would be strange. But I also think you’re being unfair to your wife. She doesn’t want to have a pool party. I think “our daughter can’t swim so one of us will have to spend the party in the pool with her” is an entirely reasonable reason to not want to have a pool party. Not wanting to throw a pool party for a group of small children that can’t swim isn’t unreasonable. I know you don’t want to accept your wife’s reasoning but I think that’s a bad way to settle this issue. You should trust your wife even when you don’t agree with her.
Maybe she worries that 1. something could go wrong if one of the kids isn't properly supervised; and 2. if you're in the water with your daughter for 60-90 minutes, then she has to take care of all of the housing duties during that time, and she doesn't want to do all of that alone.
A bunch of adults hanging around the pool at a party is a dangerous combination with children. You really want to be certain that somebody is being responsible for the pool at all times. I would find a local teen whose lifeguard certified and pay her to watch the pool, maybe his wife would be ok with that.
We do this when we have parties at a relative’s house with a pool. Only my wife and I do this, lol, but I think it’s worth the piece of mind to hire a lifeguard for a few hours when we have a bunch of kids in and out of the water and adults milling around.
Curious how much that costs? It's a great idea for peace of mind. A relative held a pool party for a close family member a couple of years ago and I was so stressed out about my toddler the whole time. The party was entirely outdoors and I learned upon arrival that they had no fence around their in-ground pool (which legally they should here...) I ended up making my toddler wear a life jacket throughout the entire party, even during mealtime, and I watched like a *hawk*, but man it would have been nice to have a lifeguard too.
Last year we paid two teenaged lifeguards who work at a local rec pool $100 (and lunch) each for four hours of work. We let them rotate as they felt needed and to let each other take the breaks they needed. I think they each took maybe 20minutes of breaks during that time, but there was always a pair of eyes on the pool. We also established the rule among our guests that the lifeguards’ word was law (that was more for the lifeguards than our guests - half the people there were first law enforcement, EMS, or otherwise government employed).
I didn't think about that initially. She probably feels like she'd be somewhat responsible for keeping eyes on all the kids at all times due to the pool and their inability to swim without help. I would feel that way (even if their parents are present), and it would 1) cause anxiety and 2) prevent me from calmly tending to the things that need to be done during the party. This changed my initial position of thinking she was being a bit unreasonable. If this is her concern, she should communicate about it honestly and clearly.
How do we know she did not communicate it clearly? She said to her husband “she can’t swim” about their daughter and he says here that he immediately dismissed that reason because according to him all she needs is a tube and *him by her side the entire time.* He writes that as if it’s totally reasonable to host a pool party where the birthday child is unable to swim without a floatation device and one on one attention from an adult. That it’s completely reasonable to have one host that cannot help at all with the actual party. To me it reads as him being unwilling to even listen to his wife, because even from his biased retelling her reasons aren’t unreasonable but yet he’s here saying “there must be something she isn’t telling me.”
She may have. OP said he thought she had some other reason she wasn't communicating, so maybe she needs to really spell it out for him. Or maybe he's just being hardheaded and ready to debate her at every turn, so he's not really hearing her or considering her points. Whatever the case, I am now firmly on mom's side of this.
It's also going to put a ton of work on her if he's in the pool playing for the whole party instead of helping to host.
Yep I would bet money mom is worried about the mental load for the day and then worrying about a pool with multiple kids that can't swim, including her own, so she's automatically going to be keeping one eye on the pool the entire time on top of everything else going on with a party. I could take about an hour of that before I would need a nap or I'd get cranky lol
I would only have a pool party if you’re willing to hire a couple of lifeguards. I would not trust parents to constantly watch their kids around a pool. That sounds like a huge liability.
Yeah, I stepped in this weekend for two kids this weekend who were play fighting and holding each other under water. The kids were part of a party at our community pool and clearly were distracted. My kids told me I wasn’t the lifeguard. I told them I’m not going to sit and watch kids drown.
I can never relax when kids are in the pool. I can't swim but I can scream for a kid who can't scream for themselves.
Same. I was a lifeguard for 5 years and then a nurse for 14! Not gonna catch me ever feeling relaxed around water.
Same boat. Aha. Being around the public at the beach or any body of water gets me f’d up.
People don't watch their kids at my kids' parties that don't have pools. I've had to save kids from touching hot grills, wandering out of the yard and even climbing the outside of my house. You have to have lifeguards if you're having kids at a pool party for a lot of reasons. I'd personally prefer to have the pool in my own yard without the pool. The daughter can enjoy swimming any day she wants or even after the party with one friend, to make it manageable
There’s absolutely no way I’d host a pool party when I know for a fact that most of the kids can’t swim. You are thinking only of yourself and what you want here. Your guests may feel uncomfortable having their non-swimmer children around a pool, especially if they see your daughter playing and want in. The children are put at risk, including your own, because let’s be honest… parties are chaotic and there’s a lot going on that can distract you. Drowning can happen in seconds, is silent, and lots of children drown within accessible distance of an adult. Let me repeat that. Children have died within arms reach of an adult because that adult was momentarily distracted and did not know the child was in distress. Your parents could be opened to liability issues if something does go wrong. If you are focused on your daughter then your wife is in charge of all other aspects of the party. There’s no way I could focus on running the party smoothly since I’d be so focused on making sure the kids were safe. Sounds like your daughter can swim at grandparent’s often, so why fight your wife on this party plan? Pop up a tent in your own yard, throw on a sprinkler for the kids to play in.
Yeah I agree , I can see why OP would want this but looking further into it, I wouldn’t host a pool party except for older kids who could swim independently and only require supervision. I know of a colleague whose 6 year old nephew died at a pool party because he just quietly slipped under the water and was gone before anyone realised. I don’t see the benefit in constantly having to assist all the kids with swimming and supervising vigilantly , it’s a recipe for a lot of stress. Surely she can have some pool fun outside of the party itself, and save the party the stress.
The only kids’ pool party I’ve ever been to as a parent, it was made VERY CLEAR that no kids would be permitted in the pool without a parent to accompany them. We had tons of pool parties when I was a kid, but I was older. Even then, at my sisters’ 14th birthday party, a friend of mine had a seizure in the pool - we were really lucky that she was right next to her boyfriend, in the shallow end of the pool, and we could immediately call for help and get her out of the pool and call an ambulance. It was still terrifying - I was literally talking to her right before the seizure.
Agreed with this and also as a non swimmer (not for lack of trying to learn I swear I’m just aquatically challenged but will continue to try) and somebody who has a small child with a husband who is an excellent swimmer- I would not want a pool party for small children. Even if I could swim it’s too stressful to watch multiple kids and God forbid something happened it would literally e the worst bday party ever as well as traumatic. Parties are chaotic on their own and I would not want little toddlers near a pool even if my kid was older and could swim because I don’t want that responsibility. On top of the fact that she probably doesn’t want to host alone as that in itself is a lot of work plus she probably also wants to enjoy her child and have fun, not just dad on her bday. Just go any of the other days you usually go to the party. Yes parties should be about what the kid likes but safety over everybody out ways the desire of the bday kid. Dad is being pretty selfish and only thinking of what he wants. Also I cannot believe at 7 this kid ONLY likes to swim. I’m sure she has several other interest and likes to pick from. Sprinklers is a great compromise at OP’s house.
Bingo.
We have been having pool parties for our kids since they were 2 and we honestly haven’t even considered doing anything differently. Kids have always brought floaties or whatever and swam with their parents. There’s always been a couple kids that didn’t swim and stay inside playing. Honestly, it just feels weird to have a party at our house in the middle of the summer and it not to be a pool party. I also feel like I will be way more worried about kids winning when they’re like 9 or 10 and think they can swim versus now when basically none of them can swim without life jackets or floaties. We’ve always said we’d hire a lifeguard for parties at the point that kids are swimming without vests by themselves. I don’t know. I guess everyone has their own level of comfort with these kinds of things.
Floaters/life jackets are not a substitution for watching kids in the pool. You should have a lifeguard now, not just in ten years.
I think it's fine to have a pool party. I also think it's reasonable for OP's wife not to want to host one, especially as it's not even her own house.
I absolutely would not invite a group of 1-2 year olds to a pool party unless they are immediate family. The risk is too high and you’re basically requiring the parents to come in bathing suits and go swimming which they might not want to do? Why not just set up a bunch of sprinklers in your backyard? Everyone can play in the water and stay cool, no risk.
Why the hell would you have a pool party when your daughter can’t swim yet? Also, you will be responsible for watching all the kids and hoping they know how to swim well enough as well. How can you do that when you’ll be sitting and watching your daughter? Literally one of you will have to be glued to the pool leaving everything else to presumably the wife. Eeeesh no way. I’m with your wife dude. At the age of 7 with half the kids being babies….all it takes is the adults to pay attention to something else or a kid to get away from them and there’s a ruined party with a dead baby/kid. No, thank you!
Thank you for voicing my first reaction. OP: Your daughter can’t swim, but she “loves” swimming?! No. She likes being in the pool and probably the 1-1 time with you and her grandparents even more. Party time isn’t 1-1 dad/grandma time. She doesn’t love “swimming” if she can’t even do it yet. 1. OP, do your parents have enough home owners insurance to cover if a kid drowns in the pool? 2. Has your daughter actually voiced that this is her *only* dream for her party? Or would she be happy with other things? 3. Your wife is the mother to a daughter on the spectrum. I know that means she works extremely hard at parenting and is constantly diligent and on alert. Give her a break and let her plan the party the way she wants so she can even have a chance at finding “joy” in this party and appreciate all the people who came to celebrate and love your kid. Edit: I don’t see anyone even mentioning dry drowning. Please look into this too, OP! Edit 2: 1. Slow down grandma, it’s not even June. You still have a bit of time to get the pool ready for July, if that is what mama decides. Lay off with the pressure! 2. We are talking about a group of kids who probably can’t swim, not a group of kids who swim regularly (like those of you saying “we live in Florida and have swim parties year round.”) It’s not the same!!! *The birthday girl can’t swim,* AND her mom is concerned, and dad seems to be oblivious to the risk, not to mention careless about stress on his wife. This isn’t *just* a case of inviting 7 year olds to a pool party. *It is a case of knowingly inviting non swimmers, including the birthday girl, to a party where mom voiced concerns about risk.* OP - If something should happen and insurance got hold of that info (about you knowingly putting non swimmers at risk) your liability cost would skyrocket! Your parents would absolutely lose their house. This is not the same as if you hosted a bunch of 7 year olds you know to be decent swimmers! It’s just not. I am sorry that is the reality of the situation. Maybe use her getting stronger at swimming, and working hard at it, this summer as an incentive for a pool party next year? **Seriously, pool insurance is no joke, please make sure your parents are fully aware of their coverage, especially for hosting parties where it is known there is risk of non-proficient swimmers and small children drowning.** Edit 3: I see you’ve changed your mind a bit - a pool party will be awesome next year or the year after, when your daughter can swim **strongly!** And just FYI, I am not some pool pearl clutcher. My kids (now 9&11) have been on *competitive* swim teams since they were 5. We host pool parties *all the time,* even before swim team. Having a pool party with “swimmers” and friends who may not be “good” but can at least pass a deep end swim test = awesome! Having a pool party when the celebrant and most underage guests can’t swim = stressful at best - I know from experience (for your party parents of young non swimmers too - they also may not want to be in the pool with their kids, like your wife.) At worst is truly the worst . . . :( All of all our “swim team friends” know not to do the following things, because they respect pools and swim safety, but other kids/parents who attend parties may not. Depending on the group we host, and the parents’ “boundaries” for appropriate behavior under their supervision, it sometimes entails a lot of my husband and I saying things like, “don’t hold people under water.”“Don’t run/horseplay/push people on the slippery pool deck.” “Don’t do backflips off the side of the pool, do them off the diving board!” “Do not throw your dirty shoes at people’s heads while they are in the water!” “Don’t dump soda in the pool.” Seriously, a lot of kids are maniacs - even if they are good swimmers, they just make dumb choices. While it doesn’t sound like your invitees would be this way at all, you just never know and it’s this extra stuff like this your wife may have to manage out of the pool (in the future when you and your daughter get your pool party ;))
Maybe you could hire a lifeguard for the party?
If I’ve learned one useful thing from this sub, it’s that you should always hire a lifeguard for backyard pool parties.
I used to have a pretty steady rotation of gigs doing this in high school when I was a lifeguard!
A lifeguard is great when hosting a pool party where all the guests can swim. But if the guest of honor cannot swim and all the other kids are young enough that they likely cannot swim either? Do not throw a pool party, lifeguard or not. That’s a very dangerous idea. Your wife is right. No pool party. Rent, buy or borrow the shades for your house (you’ll likely use them in future if you buy them).
You still need a designated adult to be responsible for bathroom breaks but yes, absolutely hiring a lifeguard is the way to go for kids' parties.
I mean, they don’t need a lifeguard because all these kids are too young to be in the pool without a parent in arms reach anyway.
Yeah I have a very energetic and sort of feral three year old, and I have done a lot of time at kids birthday parties. They get *chaotic.* Everyone's best intentions aside, it is not hard for me to imagine a situation where my kid gets a wild hair and sprints for the pool. A backyard pool party with children who are non-swimmers sounds like hell.
I think what has to happen is, there’s swimming time when every kid is supervised closely by a parent, and then the pool time is over and the party moves away from the pool so the kids don’t have access to it anymore.
I mean, I have been to kids' parties that were set up basically like this - that took place at a YMCA/pool venue, with lifeguards. Mandatory parents in the pool with kids, at least 1:1 ratio, and then the 'pool' party ended and we decamped to an entirely separate room for cake. It was still stressful tbh, and my least favorite kind of kids birthday party. The likelihood that grandparent's house is set up so that the pool can be 100% inaccessible, and that all adults will be 100% vigilant, is much less than a corporate pool venue.
Did this at 5 with a lifeguard. Was about 100 and I found them through the ymca. Parents were also in the pool so it was overkill but was a nice party
Have the party inside your house and get a slip n slide or a big inflatable sprinkler thing for your yard. Food, drinks, seating inside and wild loud itchy summer kid adventures outside. Flipping the script, now seems like a great time to invest in some lawn projects to make your own yard more fun and usable for summertime. You've got a month or so - what could you do in that time? Plastic Adirondack chairs, a couple umbrellas or a shade sail, and a splitter for your hose could get a lot done on a smallish budget. EDIT AFTER YOUR EDITS: But you *are* a scumbag, Mr. Not All Men. You responded to a post with "Happy wife, happy(ish) life, right?" And then you want to say that societal gender stereotypes are bad? Get over yourself, manchild.
Probably because it's easy for kids to drown at pool parties without people noticing until it's too late. Nearly 40% of kids that go to the ER for drowning events had it happen at pool parties or in new swimming environments. There's lots of commotion with kids running around, in and out of the house to use the restroom, jumping in the pool, splashing etc. Adults get distracted and let their guard down because so many other adults are around and think it's safe since they assume someone else is also watching. I think your wife doesn't want the liability and the extra responsibility on her hands if she can avoid it, it's stressful enough hosting a party, adding the swimming pool and inexperienced swimmers really ups the danger factor. Wait a couple more years until all the kids are experienced with swimming and/or hire a lifeguard. You could do other water stuff: water balloons, water guns, inflatable water slide rental, slip and slide etc.
This is so true. I’m not sure where I read it, but the more adults that are around when a child is swimming, the riskier it gets. Everyone assumes someone else is watching. Maybe for the first hour, everyone is vigilant. But then nothing bad happens, so adults start to relax. Combine that with distraction and kids who can’t swim, it turns into a disaster.
It’s the bystander effect. Everyone assumes someone else is watching.
it’s so true I almost drowned when I was 7 in our backyard pool. I’m 34 now and still very traumatized. I was lucky because my cousin saw me and saved my life
Don't ruin the party, by insisting on having a bunch of tiny kids risking drowning. Google all the kids who drown at pool parties. It starts with adults claiming they will be watching. It ends with adults they saw the other one watching. You are going overboard here. Just let the pool issue go. It's part of your wife's mental load. You saying you will focus on the pool, means you won't be available to help with anything else. Mom will have to do it all, because Dad wants to show off his parents pool. Let it go.
Exactly right on both points. Op, look up what happened at Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson's son's birthday party back in the day. It's extremely common for accidents to happen around pools, even for strong swimmers. Water is no joke. I would be extremely weary of sending a young child to a pool party and you should be weary of the liabilities that come with it. Your parents would be on the hook too. If you insist, take the other commenters advice and hire lifeguard(s). It still won't be completely fool-proof, but it might reassure your spouse and the other parents.
I would not insist all parents get in the pool with their kids. That’s weird. Just like your wife doesn’t want to swim, neither would some parents. I wouldn’t. Your daughter loves to swim but she can swim any another time. Don’t stress your wife out over this.
There is zero chance a bunch of moms want to get in a bathing suit in front of a bunch of people they don’t know well
I’m with your wife honestly. I’m a former lifeguard and water safety instructor. I’ve guarded birthday parties (at public pools). Most of my saves took place during birthday parties because they’re just too chaotic for parents to remain focused on their kids at all times. 7 is just such a young age. Your own daughter cannot swim independently. You may be safe around a pool with your kid, but you can’t depend on others to be as well. At birthday parties, kids usually like to run around somewhat independently. Parents usually like to be able to relax and chat with other parents. A pool party with young kids who don’t know how to swim yet is not at all conducive to this. And the risks and consequences of something going wrong (drowning) are just way too high. And then you and your parents are also liable since you’re hosting this on your private property. Just no. Not until the kids are much older and all swimming independently, and then guest list needs to be kept small and a lifeguard needs to be hired. I agree that it would be weird to have a birthday party in a yard with a pool and not have the pool available. I’d just do it at your place.
How is not having a pool party a reason to get upset? lol She gave you multiple legitimate reasons when you asked. I would personally never host a pool party when multiple of the kids can’t swim, including my own child. No one needs to worry about kids drowning when they’re trying to host a party. I would rent the tents and have it in your own back yard.
I personally hated my kids getting invited to pool parties. They are dangerous and I always hung around to watch that my kid didn’t drown Do something else. Something safe. Edit — and why are you fighting for this ANYWAY???? Why do you care if this party isn’t at your mom’s house???
i think, too, parents of 1 young child who can’t swim have an obscured view of what it’s like for other parents. we’ve had a swim club membership for 4 years and watching 2 kids in the water isn’t twice as hard, it’s infinitely harder. i can’t imagine trying to watch more than that because by the time we come home, i am exhausted from the extreme level of constant vigilance and my head being on a swivel. i think the only way i’d be willing to do a pool party with mine is if my husband or mom could come, too.
>and why are you fighting for this ANYWAY???? Because it's what the kid wants? It's purportedly favorite thing. It's unclear why that hasn't translated to lessons and competency swimming, but he's not a bad guy for wanting this for her. As several other comments have suggested, and what my parents did when I was growing up, hire a lifeguard. With that it would be as safe as other activities people like to do for birthday parties at that age, like trampoline parks
Hire a swimming instructor. Take the kid for lessons. My kid might want you to pet a lion too but doesn’t mean it’s a safe idea.
Honestly the bigger question is how does a 7 year old not know how to swim already when the grandparents have a pool lol
Correct.
A lifeguard doesn't help for toddlers who can't swim. I wouldn't have a trampoline park birthday for 1-2 year olds either.
It’s a big liability risk that’s for sure. Turn your head for one minute and the shit can hit the fan.
Your wife thinks that everyone else, including the parents with the toddlers, are going to be in the pool the entire time and she is going to basically be by herself handling all of the work while everyone else has a great time without her, and she’s not wrong. I get that you want to have a fun party for your daughter but your wife needs to be able to have fun with her and the other guests as well. Pick another venue.
Wow I am so shocked at all the reasonable responses here because I feel like I am the only parent who is constantly anxious about kids unsupervised in pools. I have been to way too many pool parties where parents toss some floaties on a two year old who can't swim without them and go and have a few drinks. I watch others kids along with mine just as a result of fear and paranoia. I am with your wife here. People at pool parties always think their kid is safe because adults are around. Drowning is silent. Even my older kid (who can swim fairly well) is watched at a pool party because kids can be rowdy, like to jump, accidentally hurt one another... and suddenly that swimmer is hurt and not swimming so well anymore. A pool party for non-swimmers is just a bad idea.
I think a lot of people haven't actually put the effort into actively swimming with a young kid. It's like holding a 25 to 50 lb rock constantly. 99.9% of the time that rock will float, but at any point over the course of a 2 to 4 hour period that rock will sink to the bottom of the pool without warning.
Great point! My older kid who is a fairly confident swimmer took a gulp of water from laughing while swimming. This perfect floater went down like a rock and luckily grabbed my hair as she was going down to make sure I saw her. I was right next to her but not looking directly at her and am still anxious remembering that thinking what if I wasn't in the pool or watching her when that had happened. She is only 6 so while she can swim, she may not have been able to help herself in that new and scary situation.
Yes I fully agreed But I tell you i have to do a lot fixing to my text to keep it somewhat legit
Renting tents is cheaper than consoling the parents of drowned kids.
I hate pool parties with young kids. The last one I was at we almost lost a kid because the dad was getting a ball for the dog, and every other adult in the pool was preoccupied with their own kid. Luckily the kid was noticed in time, but it was scary. And can I just say it sounds like YOU want the pool party. Did you even ask what type of party your 7 yr old wants? Just because she likes swimming doesn’t mean she’ll want a pool party.
We own a house with a pool and have regular pool parties when the weather allows so let me offer you my perspective: Your wife is probably exhausted just thinking about the logistics of the party. With little kids involved, there's going to be a lot of potty breaks, multiple kids that need a shower after swim time, wet floor that needs to be mopped, making sure snacks and drinks are reachable by the pool side, and just making sure the kids don't get too rowdy around the pool. As someone who is only okay with the idea of a swimming pool, I find it positively exhausting when my spouse has to stay in the pool with one or more of the younger children and I have to play host by replenishing drinks and snacks, socializing, and making sure everything is moving according to schedule. At the end of the day, I always wish we didn't have a pool or just simply had an alternate fun plan where I don't have to play the frazzled host. Ask her more patiently, this is probably her reasoning too.
Yes, we've actually ended up having a pool party where my toddler couldn't even get in the pool because we were busy preparing the food and we had to listen to her complaining about it. I love our pool but not hosting a pool party.
Hmm it’s not your pool right? It’s not like your wife wants to have a summer party with no swimming when you own the pool. You are kind of railroading your wife into a pool party when she hates them and will have to own the work of the party while you hang out int the pool with kids. I Your backyard is perfectly nice sounding. Given your wife isn’t on board, but a slip n slide or sprinklers. That’s really fun and doesn’t have a drowning risk. Your kid gets to go to your parents all the time, so she’s not missing out in my opinion.
Also this is the chance to try out a shade sail or borrow some pop up tents. Think outside the box here
I love swimming and so does my toddler (who isn't quite proficient yet) but I wouldn't want this party either. At most parties, there are lots of things to do so I can't imagine being able to stay in the pool long otherwise my spouse would have to do everything else. This would create an issue as my daughter wouldn't want out of the pool for some time. I'd also worry about adults not watching their kids. My friend with a pool nearly had a kid drown in hers at a bday party as the girl had gotten out with her mom, taken off her life vest and mom got caught up talking and didn't see she'd gotten back in and sunk. She was ok, but it was a perfect illustration of "when everyone is watching, no one is watching." Compromise: ask her if she'd be ok with inviting a few of her friends for swim and dinner another time. Also, could you install some sun sails and get a splash pad for your backyard?
7 is too young for a pool party. This is how accidents happen. I'd say anything less than 10, really.
Yeah especially if daughter doesn’t know how to swim. I can see how if I were in the wife’s shoes I would feel very uncomfortable with a bunch of kids swimming, knowing at least one isn’t a strong swimmer (probably more than one), while also having to host and manage a birthday party. On top of whatever dynamic exists between mom and the in laws. Personally when I’m at in laws house I stress over every little mess my kids make, I can’t imagine throwing a party at my in laws house. It seems overwhelming. Maybe hiring a lifeguard would be step 1 towards assuaging moms anxieties over doing this? But also more communication is needed to figure out what the real issue is.
Yes, my daughter is seven and a very competent swimmer and I won't host pool parties. I allow her to have a few friends with their parents, but no birthday cakes or anything to worry about at the same time. Also OP said the other children invited are toddlers.
Wow! That’s so old. My 3 year old was surfing with me lol. I guess if you aren’t around water much it’s much scarier.
Pool parties are normal where I live in Southern California and age isn't an issue. If you require parents to go in with their kid at all times and also hire a lifeguard, it's totally fine. Seven year olds are not too young to swim, that's just absurd.
Not saying too young to swim, I’m saying that a pool party, as described here, is a great recipe for accidental drowning. If the parents are reliably 1:1 and there is a dedicated lifeguard, maybe. On the other hand, I did attend a pool party for a 6 year old (with my then 5 year old) and very few of the kids there could swim. Only a few of the kids could swim and it was two hours of monitoring my non-swimming kid who wanted to play with her friends. :/
lol pool parties are great at any age. OPs description was so mild. It’s very easy to keep track of that few kids
Nothing against swimming — it’s the combo of different ages of children, home pool, non-swimmers, party atmosphere and distracted adults. With one or two lifeguards, I can soften my opinion a bit — but as a former lifeguard, it sounds like too many risks all together. One on one surfing with your kid is a totally different subject. I swam like a fish by age 5, but my 6 year old does not and it has changes many of my opinions about water safety.
I feel bad for most of the kids of parents in this sub. I too was a life guard. We never hire life guards for pool days. That just seems so extra. Especially when we’re talking three kids lol. Hey to each their own I guess. I guess if you’re rich and you want to hire a life guard for each kid go for it. I prefer just getting in with the kids and watching them myself.
It's the party aspect that's specifically the problem. Too many parents don't realize they need to be actively watching their kid. Your 3 year old surfing went fine because you were actively engaged and watching her.
Never once did I say you shouldn’t be watching your kid in the pool. I have pool parties often. And I am in the pool with them. It’s not that hard to watch kids in a pool.
Pool parties are really hard on parents when kids are younger. 7 feels right on the edge - a lot of 7yos may not know how to swim well yet. We only just started going to real pool parties this year, as my daughter and her friends started turning 8. (And we live in hot, hot, hot Texas so lots of people have pools and pool parties are very common.) By 8, most kids can swim well on their own and parents can watch from the shade of the deck. But 7 is hit or miss still. I can say that even as a parent who loves to swim, I don't relish the idea of putting on a bathing suit and getting in the pool at a kid's birthday party. I also think there are just too many potential safety issues with little kids and a pool to make me feel super comfortable about hosting a pool party with littles. If it's just 3 or 4 kids, it's not as big a deal, but get any more than that in the pool and it turns into chaos quickly. I do love the idea of hiring a lifeguard if you're having a bigger party! Would help the safety/stress issue a lot. But that's assuming all the kids in the water will know how to swim and just need someone to watch for an emergency. One thing that works well is other water activities. Like a fun sprinkler or splash pad. And reusable water balloons and water guns. Things to keep kids cool, without worrying about the issues around a pool.
OP says the other kids invited are young toddlers, they definitely can't swim.
Dude: 1. Your wife doesn’t want an outside party in the hot July sun, with or without a pool. 2. Even with other parents there, young kids and pools are dangerous and stressful. If someone gets hurt, it’s your wife’s fault… or she will feel like it is. 3. She may not want a party with your parents. 4. Instead of assuming that this is the ~only~ thing your daughter wants (when she does it all the time) why don’t you ask your wife what other options she has in mind?
> We live across the street from my parents I didn't even bother reading the rest, what the hell is wrong with you Raymond
Drowning is one of the top causes of death in children. It's hard on your wife because that's all she'll be thinking about during the party.
Mom of child with AuDHD kiddo here - read ALL edits dad… I don’t think everyone is trying to call you a shite dad. There could be a LOT of things at play here and let me go through a few of them with you… 1) Our 11yo daughter who is also Dx’d AuDHD is 100% a MERMAID addicted to water (and has had swimming lessons since age 2) wants a pool party every single year! She’s AMAZING in the water… YET… part of her issues with learning mean lack of confidence in self, so every year we do swimming lessons (she’s been in special Olympics AND MEDALED… for swimming, skiing and track) just because, she gets bored and recalls everything in day 1-2. But… it’s how we roll so she keeps her confidence up. 2) With a child on the spectrum, you have parents on… a spectrum. Some watch, some are just so thankful to have other adults to talk to, etc… so you can’t count on that AND (Huge point here!!!) Opening a residential pool means OPENING LIABILITY! Which means… owners (which are you wife’s IL’s… which now means your wife feels obligated to police CHILDREN IN WATER vs enjoying her daughter’s bday because they aren’t her parents… and who’s going to get the bill if/when something happens plus - drowning risks - no joke - it happens ALLTHETIME!) 3) In-Laws… I’m old (50) and my filter is gone. In-laws like and tend to blame “the other side’s” genetics because they don’t understand autism and often don’t fully believe in it and think “they’ll grow out of it” (ask me how I know!!! It took living with them to help them and THEIR friend from church being her teacher for them to finally accept…) so having a nice property with a nice pool is the PERFECT opportunity to demonstrate that their grandchild is amazing (she IS!!!) and kids on the spectrum do life differently with a crowd (overstimulation) around and also sensing a parent’s stress vs “being at Gma & Gpa’s all the time at the pool.” So this is absolutely a NO situation to help your wife relax and enjoy her daughter’s bday party. Your idea for water games at your place is PERFECT! NOT because you’re a bad dad, not because wife doesn’t trust you… but because a lot of concern and other layers go into it and you’re not getting it. They’re your parents so you’ll always feel totally chill at their home and on their presence. Your wife will not. That’s not a “her” issue - it’s LIFE! In your mom’s eyes, your wife will never be the mom she was (because you’re fine, right?! So everything we’ve learned in the last 30yrs is just “labels”) and anything you guys do differently is your wife being “helicopter” or judging your mom’s parenting. TLDR - There are more layers at play and this isn’t a “you suck as a dad judgment.”
Your wife is too exhausted to even think about how to keep little kids from drowning on top of the normal party planning stuff. I don’t host parties with pools or trampolines. Nope. Not for me.
I definitely would not have a pool party if my kids and most of the other kids can’t swim. If we got invited to one at that young of an age, I would decline because I have no interest in being in a bathing suit around strangers and also don’t want to make sure the kids aren’t drowning. I like socializing with parents at parties, I can’t do that if I’m making sure someone isn’t drowning
Is your wife in charge of invites, decorations, presents, food, cake, etc? If yes, I wouldn’t say that she isn’t prepared here but rather that she would like to enjoy her daughter’s party rather than being on drowning duty for her and other small children as well as keeping the party going. She is also probably not wanting your parents to be on the hook in case something happens. It isn’t like when many of us were kids, every time I host an event I have to ensure that we’re covered in case someone gets hurt and is feeling litigious. Less than that though, she probably just doesn’t want the life or death stress. Get some sprinklers for your yard and call it a day if you really want a water party.
I’ve loved swimming all my life. I was on a team as a child, took endless lessons, and love to take my child swimming. I also have had a friend drown and felt that pain. I respect the water and understand its danger. I would never host a pool party that includes non-swimmers- it is such a liability and too much of a risk. You can hire a lifeguard, buy lifejackets and equipment, but I still wouldn’t do it. Children can drown so quickly and it’s so hard to revive them via CPR. Are you and your wife CPR certified?
Your wife is 100% in the right on this one, and I don’t care what her reasoning is, because whether it’s her main concern or not, the fact of the matter is that without a professional lifeguard, ie an adult who is a strong swimmer and whose only job is to watch the kids in the water, not enjoy the party or be distracted in any way, this is a disaster waiting to happen. Unless you can hire a lifeguard or beg a friend to do it, do NOT do this.
I’m personally not a big pool person and so it’s not the type of party I’d want to throw for my child. It would feel like a lot more work and not be enjoyable for me. Being in the pool for 90 minutes of a kids party is also most of the party. It sounds like your daughter is there and in the pool quite frequently, so a few hours without it to celebrate her birthday shouldn’t be a big deal. Rather than continuing to try to poke holes in your wife’s reasons, which isn’t going to change her mind, you should let the pool go or you’re going to end up making her feel even more resentful.
i kind of get your wife here tbh. accidental drowning is the leading cause of death for kids 4 and under, and most that occur from the ages 1-4 happen in a home swimming pool. it would give me anxiety, too. it’s really not much of a party if everyone is just trying to watch their kids like a hawk and not socialize. perhaps it would be worth asking if she’d consider hiring a lifeguard or two. lots of high school kids lifeguard over the summer.
>>societal gender role stereotypes are just as toxic as racism …Dude. Did you seriously write this down in 2024?
I know this isn’t what the post is about, but unless a doctor has told you that she’s “incredibly skinny” then I wouldn’t be putting too much emphasis on that. The average size of a 7 year old is actually 47.7 inches and 49lbs, so your daughter is marginally above average which is perfectly normal and healthy. Even if she was incredibly skinny, or not incredibly skinny, what matters most is their overall growth pattern. I only point this out because so many parents think their child is underweight, which can lead to pushing them to eat more and developing overall harmful habits. But on to the pool part… having a pool party for young kids is stressful and all of the responsibility falls on the adult that’s in charge. If something bad happens, a kid drowns, or even a kid is running and slips on the wet concrete, the homeowner is responsible. Sounds like that’s not the reason that your wife gave, but ultimately you have to come to an agreement, and you can’t overrule her just because her reasons aren’t making sense.
That part stood out to me too; probably cause my 9-year-old is 51lbs but 4'6" (she been tested a lot and she's fine) so the "incredibly skinny" thing was a bit funny.
Right. I see so many parents stressing over how skinny their kid is and it’s usually because some well meaning grandparent keeps telling them “you need to feed her more! She’s so skinny!” Ultimately it can be just as harmful as telling a child they are too big and they need to eat less.
Will there be lifeguard there? Will you be helping with hosting? Perhaps your wife feels stress about the thought of hosting while you’re in pool. I personally wouldn’t have a pool party unless there was someone assigned to watch the pool.
7 is too young for a pool party. She said no. Let it go. Your kid has her whole summer ahead of her to swim with you in the pool across the street from her home.
I wouldn't have a pool party when the kids there can't swim. Just a liability thing.
I am a fish and I would veto this too. The risk of accidental drowning doesn’t seem worth it at all to me. 3 out of the 5 kids can’t swim and at 7 your kid is the oldest. I’m a firm believer that in this instance the ratio is 1 kid 1 adult whose job it is to exclusively watch that one kid. Because kids do sometimes sneak off on their own. I have heard horror story after horror story where every adult assumed someone else was watching the kids. I assume that you would be willing to be the 1 adult for your kid but that means you are not available to help with any of the other party needs, leaving her to run the party herself. Your daughter can swim another day but by keeping the pool away from the children, all children have a better chance of making it to their next birthday. P.s. after reading dad’s edits, I wish I could downvote him again.😒
I don’t know why you’re giving your wife a hard time in this. Planning a kids birthday party and hosting is already stressful enough. Now she has to worry about a pool and kids who can’t swim and risk possible drowning for some of these kids??? It’d be a no for me too. Parties are chaotic and there’s always parents who won’t be watching their kids.
Your daughter will have plenty of years for pool parties. That’s a much better theme for tweens. having kids aged 1-3 around a pool is tough. It’s exhausting and very stressful as a parent to watch them *that* intently. Toddlers have tantrums about wearing life vests. Toddlers will run on the pool deck and slip. You’ll tell toddlers to stay away from the water but they’ll get too close to the edge of the pool anyway. They’re just drawn to the water. Even if there are no safety mishaps, at least one of them will probably poop in the pool and swim diapers sometimes fail. I’d tell my daughter that while it’s her birthday party, as a hostess her job is to ensure that she accommodates all her guests and ensures that people have fun. If she wants a “yes day” (a day where she gets to pick anything she wants), that needs to be with nuclear family only. Not a birthday party with guests. Or she can have *one* friend over for a swim day. And if your child cannot swim, Flotation devices like tubes are *not safe* because it gives the child over-inflated-self-confidence on their swimming abilities. That’s how kids that don’t know how to swim go in the water when nobody else is looking. Plus, what if the tube slips out from underneath her while she’s using it? get her into swim classes. ETA: and if you’re in the water with your child the whole time, your wife is going to have to host the whole party. She’ll be responsible for bringing out all the food, drinks, and ice refills. She’ll have to manage the timing of food, presents, cake, and ensuring someone is taking pictures, etc. even if you set-up ahead of time, that is **a lot** of work.
I was ready to get all upset at your wife based on the title of this post but after reading, I think I’m squarely in her corner on this one. Sorry guy. Look she’s right. Throwing a party for a bunch of small children is you know a reasonably dangerous activity? Everyone has to be super on point watching the kids and you know she wants to make a fun party that doesn’t revolve around your daughter being in the pool the whole time. Plus, you are saying that your daughter swims literally all the time she doesn’t need to swim this day as well. Maybe she even wants to have the party at *gasp* your own house because she’s throwing the party not your parents.
It is MORE work to keep the kids ALIVE https://www.aquaticsintl.com/facilities/management-operators/killer-parties_o https://www.cbc.ca/amp/1.6857313 https://www.yourtango.com/news/if-kids-cant-swim-should-they-attend-pool-parties
Yikes to your edits. If you don’t want people to make suggestions or give their opinions, don’t post asking for advice. People don’t know you, or know your unique situation so of course they’re going to make interpretations based on generalisations. It’s not assuming that all fathers are deadbeats, its just people giving their interpretations and assumptions from a mom’s POV.
Non swimmers at a pool party is a safety risk, but having a party with a pool and not offering swimming would be strange. just let them run through sprinklers in your backyard instead?
If something happened to a child in your parent’s pool they may be personally liable, different than being at the city pool, etc. A pool party would be a great idea in a couple of years. Maybe let your kid ask for the pool party when you know she and her friends are capable of handling it.
Throw your own party since you know so much sir. If the burden of hosting and planning is on mom, she decides what she's comfortable with. She may also not like that you are involving your mommy in this. Have the party at your house, rent some tents cheapo. Seems like you want what's easy on you, and not what's best for your kid. If she can't swim why are you insisting on a pool party? I'm with mom on this one, you sound stupid.
I think you need to find a new venue for the party. Maybe a park or someone else's yard that doesn't have a pool. Take your daughter swimming on your own time. Your wife is right.
Could you do a sprinkler/watergun set up at your house?
I wouldn’t want a pool party with young kids either. There are many reasons not to biggest is liability! Your wife has good reasons even though you don’t agree. If the pool is a thing you and your mother are going to have to constantly be supervising it; regardless of whether or not parents go in with their kids. Adults may not want to go in pool but feel obligated to take kids in to prevent tantrums. Your wife will be entertaining everyone not in the pool at all times plus getting ready any food, cake, or anything else folks need while they are there. Maybe safe play is to have it at your house if you’re concerned about not allowing use of pool if you have it at mom’s.
It's all safety from any chance of remotely anything happening sexaul But the system makes money off of it without it or who ever having to admit guilt in any way
What are you talking about????
The party is for your daughter to hang out with friends. Do you think you're hosting a BBQ with adults? You aren't entertaining in that way, homes. If she doesn't swim, you will pull friends away from your daughter. High IQ award goes to you, sir.
Doesn't sound like any of the guests are the daughter's friends though, none are children her age.
With the edits I feel so sorry for him and his wife. I hope he can have his own birthday party where he goes in the pool with his daughter. I'm not sure why he keeps brushing off the opinions saying they're gender stereotyping. He's specifically saying he would watch the kid in the pool which specifically means he wouldn't act as party host. Is he clueless? One time my husband went to get food for a party we had. But we didn't need the food and he was literally gone for half the party getting it. So I had to host by myself. This isn't about gender stereotyping. It's just about hosting.
Feeling the toxicity in that dynamic all the way up north where no one has a backyard pool.
Plus, toddlers can drown in literally one inch of water and if your wife is not a water person hosting a party for a ton of kids sounds like an incredibly stressful experience and I don’t think you’re taking into account her feelings whatsoever.
I think your wife is being reasonable. I wouldn't want the responsibility of having supervising a bunch of young children at a pool. It can be stressful enough keeping them fed, safe, happy, and kind at a birthday party, more so if other adults are present and you feel the pressure to chat and entertain/feed them too.
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How can a person hosting a party go in the pool? They have to serve food and drinks. Help direct kids and adults to the bathroom. Bring the cake out. Greet people. Monitor gifts if any given. Wearing a bathing suit is probably the least concern. But it's a good point that in general, the wife could have valid reasons for not wanting to host a pool party.
That's a really weird reason to dictate how your kid celebrates her birthday. Don't impose your body issues on your kid. The parents don't need to be in suits anyway if they just hire a lifeguard.
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Hiring a lifeguard is cheaper than birthday packages at anywhere I've looked to host my kid's parties and would allow the kid to do her favorite activity with a few friends. It's fine if they decide to do something else, but everyone attacking dad is overreacting. And assumimg mom is motivated by body image issues is just weird.
That’s awful if that’s the case, the mother would be an ass.
She's an ass for wanting to be comfortable at an event she's hosting? The fuck?
I would not host a pool party for 7 year olds. Too much risk.
I didn’t let my daughter go to pool parties until she actually knew how to swim and that was about 11 or 12. I think you need to have a talk with your wife and see what her actual reasons are. For me having to have the party at MIL’a house would be reason enough for me.
LIABILITY.
Can you compromise and do something like a splash pad or slip and slide? Water play but don’t have to worry about drowning or heavy supervision
Can you rent a water inflatable thing and have it in your own backyard? That way kids can still get wet and It’s a little safer than a pool.
Slip n slide/ splash party in you unshaded yard sounds amazing and age appropriate. Water balloons, bubbles, water toys…. Sounds like a good time
Your lack of awareness is... Interesting. Even with all your edits, you still don't seem to get it.
The thread: "Sorry, man, this is really dangerous." OP: "SEXISM!!!"
Sounds like a shitty party.
There are some pretty affordable shade tent options so you can host at yours in the future!
Hot tub drownings —- https://www.wdtv.com/2024/04/25/child-taken-hospital-after-nearly-drowning-hot-tub/?outputType=amp https://aquaticattorney.com/hot-tub-drowning/
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Of course it would post something like this
Sorry you’re so frustrated OP, I get both perspectives. Sounds like it’s a relatively small party with only 6 kids total, including the bday kid, which I agree sounds very doable with some planning, especially if you have extra floaties, a lifeguard, etc. I also understand why your wife might think it’s a hassle and not personally appealing to her as one of the party hosts. But based on how you wrote the initial post and your edits, I’m guessing there are deeper issues and dissatisfactions at play here and I hope you and your wife are taking the time to tend to your marriage and address any schisms that may be forming ❤️
I don't don't see anything wrong with not wanting to do a pool party, or dealing with that stress... Drowning happens a lot in birthday & family parties... But your wife's choice of where shouldn't have been alongside a pool IMO. Can the where be switched?
We live in Florida, pool parties and beach parties were always a norm for us & the people we associated with. We’ve thrown many and attended many for bdays, sport team parties, last day of school etc…My pool was always filled with our neighborhood kids. But my kids (26, 22 and 20) all knew how to swim by the time they were a year old . Can you set up other water activities like sprinklers , water balloons, slip & slides instead of a full blown pool party as a compromise etc ?
Yes. Probably what we're going to do. Thanks.
See if you can find some cute and creative ideas on the internet
Your wife can't swim and she doesn't want to be responsible for a pool for of kids. It's that simple. She doesn't feel comfortable. Unless you are going to be policing in the pool the entire time, which I highly doubt, it won't work. You aren't wrong to want it, but it can definitely be stressful, especially not knowing if the friends are good in water.
My June birthday boy had pool parties since he turned 6. They have always been at my mom's house since she has the pool and we have always hired a lifeguard for the party. It made everyone feel better.
Either: 1- find a different location without a pool. Playground, etc. 2-hire a couple of certified life guards. One to watch all the swimmers, and one to be in the pool, for one hour. Outside of that hour the pool is closed.
A pool party with a bunch of kids screams for a disaster. I wouldn’t do it
Does your mom want to host the party and open the pool? You are asking your mom to do work. It sounds like your wife is picking up on that, and you are not. If your mom offered the pool and is happy to share it, awesome. But if you invited yourself and she doesn't want to host, sounds like renting tents it is.
Man, I feel like a weirdo who has had and been going to pool parties my kids whole lives. I had no idea that 7 was too young for a pool party. Lol Anyway, it sounds like your wife is not comfortable around pools. If she doesn't want to deal with the pool, that's fine. You said your daughter swims 4 or 5 times a week, so it's not like this is her only chance to swim this summer. Do squirt guns and water balloons and a sprinkler for the party and let the pool thing slide. Being a parent host at someone else's house is stressful enough, she doesn't need the added stress of the pool that makes her uncomfortable.
So are you going to have a lifeguard there so these random children, who have unknown water safety skills, can be in the water? If not, then I think she's right. A pool party at that age sounds horrendous, personally. If you want a pool party that's fine but you need to go all out with safety and not make it your wife's problem.
We had a family host a pool party. A family just arrived while they were saying hello, one of the kids just jumped in. I was in a chair by the pool. The kids were all young and mine couldn't swim well enough to jump in like that. I didn't see him pop back up right away. I got out of my chair and hustled to the edge. I saw the kid at the bottom. Just there...you know...not really doing anything swimming-like. I jumped in pulled them out. The parents freaked out about how they didn't see him. He didn't know how to swim and how thankful they were to me. It cost me a new cell phone. I wanted to ask them to cover it, but I felt like an asshole if I did that. I just hoped they would offer...they didn't! lol
I had pool parties through most of grade school. It was always a hit. What a different world we live in.
As a mom on a 21 month old, who would definitely be tailing my daughter at a party, a pool would stress me out. I would probably opt out of coming. But this should also be fine because the party is for a 7 year old? Seems appropriate for a 7 year old. To stressful for me to have a toddler there.
7 year olds can’t swim either
Then it’s not just my anxiety and probably not a great idea. (I don’t have a concept of what 7 year olds can do yet)
You had me until you threw the racism thing in there and then I'm like well these commentors have this guy pegged. I assure you that stereotyping you on a website where you asked for opinions is the same as slavery, but your victim compmex tells me your wife is probably right and I'd love to hear her side of this.
The way he's trying to tell the whole Internet to shut up because he's done listening. Like, sucks to be you, white man.
You could hire a couple of lifeguards and buy like a whole bunch of life vests for children? Tell the parents if their child will be in the pool, parental supervision is mandatory while they are swimming. Also who would be running the entire party while you are in the pool with your daughter? Maybe your wife would like help with BBQ and cake and getting drinks for guests and helping her supervise party games and stuff like that. The only reason I say this is because on Sun we had a bunch of 7yo children running around at my 3yo's bday party. It was really hectic for me to supervise the things and having all the children running back and forth and trying to keep track of who's plate is who's and drinks and just EVERYTHING, was a lot. My fiance was caught up talking with my children's father who was there and when I asked them to come over and help, things went so much smoother. If you guys were to have slip and slides and sprinklers and a kiddie pool and things like that, it would be easier for the kids to entertain themselves and have the adults kind of sit back and relax.
I didn't read all the comments, but as a mom to a kid with a July birthday, I read the post as a dad who just wants to throw a really fun birthday party for his daughter. People can be really unnecessarily intense and judgmental with their comments on here. FWIW, we don't have a pool but always do water games, including an inflatable water slide, at my daughters bday party, and the kids have a GREAT time. Parents are usually happy with a cold drink under the tent (though I know you wanted to avoid renting tents).
I've thrown birthday pool parties for my kids. My mother-in-law, however, has not. No shade to her -- it isn't her job to host my kid's birthday party, and I don't think I'd enjoy the stress of following her rules if she did.
This is totally common where in Florida. I’ve never seen anything like this sub being so afraid of pool parties. We have all the neighbor kids over every weekend for a swim.
While I personally love the idea of a pool party, it sounds like there will be quite a few little kids present. Maybe at this age another option would be to rent one of those big inflatable water slides?
We just recently had a pool party for my son and we told parents if the kids are swimming they need a life jacket/floatie on at all times when in the pool area
My local pool makes kids swim a lap before they are allowed to join the birthday pool party. Pool party with young kids that aren't strong swimmers would make me nervous. Also, she might not want to entertain the whole time on her own while you are on pool supervision duty. Another thing to consider, and this is me, I don't like entertaining while wearing a bathing suit, even if I'm not in the water the whole time, jumping in the pool then getting out, and hosting while wet etc not my idea of a great time. Hosting is stressful, adding the extra pressure of young kids swimming...I would not do it till they are all older and stronger swimmers
Re:edit #1: “I and my mother” or “I and her mother/my wife”? ETA: nevermind, I see. But maybe your wife has a phobia, or is uncomfortable with your parents somehow? It’s worth a discussion and you trying not to get mad.
I'm with your wife on this one. Drowning is the 4th most leading cause of death for kids between 5 and 9. It _is_ the leading cause of death for kids between 1 and 4. Specifically, 1 and 4 most often drown in pools. [source](https://www.nejm.org/doi/full/10.1056/NEJMsr1804754). Brain death can start in just 30 seconds of oxygen deprivation. Put 30 second timer on. Repeat that for 2 hours. I bet (1) you can't actually enjoy anything other than actively watching your kid (2) you'll be extremely annoyed by constantly checking in on your kid. These types of group pool parties are an incredible danger. You get a bunch of partially distracted parents and a bunch of toys going into the pool. 30 seconds of a parent stepping in to grab food or a drink and suddenly you could have a dead kid.
I have hosted a kid pool party. I hired a lifeguard, provided extra life jackets, puddle jumpers, and pool floats, and many parents went in the pool with the kids. We had a great time.
If you did have the pool party, I would put on the invitation that “To swim in the pool, an adult is required to be in the pool with your child at all times” or however you want to word that the adult to child will be at 1-1 at all times.
You could compromise and hire a lifeguard for the party. Would be cheaper than renting a tent.
Hire a lifeguard
Put a puddle jumper on your kid and watch her in the pool. My FIL has a pool and his daughter has had a pool party for her birthday. It was fine, they just put on the invite that parents need to stay for the party and supervise their children in the pool and they suggested on the invite that parents bring puddle jumpers and towels for their kid. Edit: I had no idea so many kids drowned at pool parties 😬 If you insist, maybe hire a lifeguard for the party
We have a pool day (not necessarily party) every weekend in the summer. I can’t believe all the comments in this thread. The most ridiculous parents I have ever heard of. We have 5-10 kids under 6 every weekend and a big blow up slide. Everyone always has a blast. The key to safety is always be in the pool when kids are in, and make all non swimmers wear a life jacket. That’s it. Plus when you are in usually 3-4 other parents are in too. Everyone has a blast!
Pathetic that you even had to write that last edit. I’m so tired of that narrative with fathers. I agree with you that the party should be at your parents. I absolutely hate outdoor birthday parties during the summer because where I am it’s so damn hot. My daughter’s party will be at our amenity center in our HOA but the real party will be in the amenity pool. Her bday is also during the summer and options are limited (and I don’t want all those people in my house) Good luck. I hope it’s a fun party. You sound like a good dad who just wants your daughter (and guests!) to enjoy a birthday party :((
Ask her if hiring a life guard would help. I would not have a pool party for a 7 year old without having a trained life guard present. I might even say that for children of any age.
Can you keep the party really small to just parents you know and trust to watch the kids, and even just family. No one remembers if there were 20 vs 5 friends at their party. And hiring a lifeguard is a great idea. Otherwise let your wife suggest an indoor activity that she would be fine with and help her plan that.
I've been trying to catching up for about a half hr or so I like what I hear so far
I'll catching up later
I'm tired of that dam word sub
You all have a long story to follow and I've got a little to much of a buzz going on to be completely respectful
That being said I really do hope every one is having fun Chat on a while