That is what sticks out to me. Who the hell is the GF to chime in on this? This is between OP and their ex. GF needs to stay in her lane and not interfere. She can have all the opinions she wants, but she needs to keep her opinion on custody and parental time to herself. She has no business interfering. If she doesn't like it, she is free to leave.
I'm guessing she figures if he goes for 50/50 he'll have his child support cut and she'll have access to more money (for some reason that's the vibe I get)
What she doesn't realize is that may not work out in her favor because child support tries to make incomes as even as possible between homes, so he may still have to pay it.
This is most likely the scenario. This is crappy - GF has absolutely no right to chime in on an arrangement which is working just fine for everyone (and I'm assuming here that the kid is happy with it).
Eh, not really.
He's probably never experienced and would have an over optimistic idea of what day to day living with Dad would be.
OP can focus on his Son when he has him, because he has him so rarely. That would not be possible in a 50/50 split and an 11 year old may not emotionally understand that change.
It's not like you couldn't just go back to a different routine if 50/50 doesn't work. Sometimes parenting is letting kids make choices and then both dealing with consequences and redirecting the ship if things don't go as you planned.
Nobody asked the kid what he wanted.
Forcing him to choose between his parents would be the most harmful thing to put him through. Can you imagine the guilt he will carry for the rest of his life?
I don’t think he should be forced to choose, but he should be able to give his opinion. It would be best if dad mentions to mom that he’s going to have a conversation with the son about this first. Springing it on her could sour an otherwise good parenting relationship.
It could be framed as an option for later, as well. Maybe when he hits high school he’ll want to try living at dad’s more. He doesn’t have to have an opinion today.
It maybe best for the kid. If I had to pack up and move each week I’d be lost; I need a home base to visit from. This arrangement works for everyone but the girlfriend.
As a child who lived in a 50/50 split, packing up my life and unpacking it every week (for me at least) created a mentality of “why bother unpacking, I’ll just have to do it again next week”.
That feeling still lingers now. I’m lucky enough to have owned a home with my partner for nearly 4 years, and I still have stuff in boxes because there’s this latent sense it’s all going to have to be packed up as soon as I commit to unpacking it.
It’s also a huge logistical pain, forgetting a school book or some homework at one parents meant being disciplined in school, and the teachers generally don’t care to listen to a 12 year old kid and be empathetic. And if your parents do sort out getting it to you, there’s guilt that you’re wasting their time, the guilt sticks around too.
Disclaimer: some teachers do care, but unless they’ve experienced it themselves they can’t understand the chaos caused by constantly moving around.
This massively hurt my older son, he's 24 now and still bitter about it. His father and I lived in two different towns (he moved away) and our son still doesn't feel like he's from anywhere in particular.
Luckily, a lot of homework and textbooks are entirely online now. Much easier to be portable. I would think it makes more sense for the kid to have what he needs at both places with duplicates of some favorite/essential items (toothbrush, phone and computer chargers, clothes and gear for sports). If the kid literally has to pack a bag every week, I think the parents haven't adequately prepared.
As a parent, I’m alarmed by the idea of being happy to see my kid only **4 days a month**. I’m also troubled by the idea that it’s best for the kid to barely see one parent.
Agreed! I think the child also has a legitimate family with his mom (who remarried and now he has a full time step dad and sisters). I find it admirable that he doesn’t want to uproot his life, + my guess is he likes being the “Hallmark weekend fun dad” as you say, so it works well for all involved.
I think the only mess in this situation is the girlfriend who is putting her nose where it absolutely doesn’t belong!
Something to take into consideration for sure, but also, he's 11. Unfair to assume he has the capacity to understand what's actually best for his growth.
I mean, he could always frame it like “Hey bud, you’re getting older and I wanted to check in. How are you feeling about the custody split? Are you getting enough time with me?” You never know with kids and 11 is old enough to start considering his autonomy in this situation. The conversation might also lead to a closer relationship.
That would be a good approach because you are not turning over the decision making to a child, but you are getting information for your decision making as a parent. Win win.
I agree. These things are incredibly nuanced sometimes, and what a child wants may actually not be the best for them. Certainly something to consider, but ultimately should still be an adult decision that considers the long-term stability and well-being and other consequences.
For instance, living with another parent may be more fun so the parent who does most of the disciplining and boundary-setting may seem awful, without realizing that the fun parent might not take you to the doctor, the dentist, have any oversight on your life, let's you do whatever you want.
Anecdotally I was presented this option as a teen, and will say that having so much freedom to do whatever I wanted with no oversight lead to incredibly poor decisions, depression, and situations that kids probably shouldn't be in.
Also, anecdotally my stepchild would rather live with her mother full-time but historically when they were younger and we had 50/50 instead of primary, there were instability (they moved every few months, had a bout of homelessness,. She tried to change get us to change her school every time she moved - and did that with her eldest) no boundaries, occasional drug use, not ensuring the kid has basic needs, and frankly neglect (no expectations of personal grooming, clothes, forgetting to pick up the kid from school etc. ). They and their mother are very close and her mom makes a great friend to her, but also her parenting is not parenting.
OP has been a weekend parent for years. OP is not the primary parent, has no desire to be the primary parent, but this is what *a girlfriend* wants. That would be a bit of a red flag to me to ask a kid if they want to live with their non-primary parent more often that would bring significant changes to the kid's life especially with two very different parenting styles.
I actually applaud OP for recognizing this not being ideal for his kid.
Also, you'd be asking a child to answer a question that might feel like a "lose/lose" situation for them, like either way they answer, they'd be hurting one parent's feelings.
Maybe he could ask the son if he’s getting enough time with dad and if not, increase to a week or two during the summers until the kid is a little older.
Although you may think an 11 year old has the forethought and maturity to make an important decision like that - they don’t. Kids want/need consistency and stability. You can’t change the game 11 years in. I’m telling you from real life experience. If it’s not broke, don’t fix it. IMHO
Can you go talk to the guy on the thread with the 11 yr old raising her selfish big sister kids with their parent basically enabling big sis. He seems to think an 11 yr old will be ok in *sole* charge of two *babies*!
Yeah honestly if both his parents and the kid are happy, don't fix what isn't broken. If one of them has a problem with it, then obviously, reevaluate the system.
>I leave her to raise our son and she leaves me to do what I please during my time and I like that.
>His mother and I don’t really “co-parent.”
This is textbook shitty dad. I have kids and they are an INCREDIBLE amount of work to raise properly. Parenting is more than just being friends with your kids. Taking 2 days out of 14 to be a fun-time weekend dad is not parenting. 50/50 custody is standard for a reason, it’s generally what’s best for the kids. It’s unusual these days for a father not to want more time.
He openly admits his ex is the one raising his son. OP is trying to spin this as best for everyone but stepping up would be best for his kid. I think the GF only wants him to get 50/50 so she feels better about the kind of father he is and how he might be as a father to her future kids.
I agree. Which is why he should not fight for more custody. Seems step father will end up being the real father figure. And I think OP recognizes that and accepts it so stick with that.
Very text book shitty. A weekend father is not a dad. If he took his kid 50/50 now, would he even know how to become a dad? Don't think it would be good for the kid. This father is enjoying his autonomy too much. He could get resentful.
Side thought--Ive known a few weekend fathers to become full time parents to their sons as they hit their teen years. They became unruly towards the mom and lack of real father figure showed as soon as testosterone hit the blood stream. OP may be forced to learn true parenting yet... its not like texting throughout the week.
She's more than allowed to have an opinion, as long as she goes about it respectfully. I say this as the child of divorced parents, one of which certainly could've used an outside opinion on occasion.
I am a stepmom. It's hard. But things got a whole lot easier when I realized my role was not to parent, but to support my husband in his role as parent.
>You don't sound like a sh#tty dad.
He sounds like a barely-there dad. His son is a side-project or a hobby to him. He left the raising of this kid to the mom.
His whole line about not wanting to treat the kid like a toy, bouncing between two homes was a bunch of self-justification bullshit. He's created a permission structure so he doesn't feel guilty about being a barely-there dad.
I have split-custody with my kids, and the only reason I didn't fight for more than 50% is that I want them to have a healthy relationship with their mom, too.
But even loosing 50 percent of my time with them was gut-wrenching.
Clearly this guy felt none of that.
Completely agree. He’s happy with the limited responsibility. I imagine like many part time parents, he’s talking about how much his kid is his life cause women like that and the gf thinks he actually wants to evenly share parenting. Or she’s looking for an indication that he won’t do that to their kids if they have any.
Either way, OP and girlfriend should probably be transparent with each other.
I agree. Each person is responsible to deal with their own responsibilities that they had before they got together. It’s similar to each person being responsible to manage their own parents and their own side of the family.
Not her business since it’s not her kid. But man you do seem like a dad who only gives half an ass. You see him what 4-6 days a month? What about parent teacher nights? Going to sports practice? Dr’s appointment? Sounds like your girlfriend sees you for what you are. A fun babysitter. Not a father. You okay with missing most of your kids life? Really?
There are grandparents who see their grandbabies more than that. Parallel parenting? What is that even suppose to mean? Sounds like he wants to keep his hands out of the responsibility jar.
Parallel parenting is a common term that is used to describe parents who don't really comingle parenting. They each do their own thing in their own homes, and are typically low conflict. This is actually a good thing, usually.
Is she a child of divorce? It’s possible you seem like a disinterested low effort dad to someone who has been on the child’s side of things. I mean you said it yourself leaving your ex wife to raise your child. 😬
What does your son think and don’t coach him with your preference or thoughts just ask him if he’d prefer time split equally or not.
As a child of divorce, one weekend every two weeks is a joke. That’s what, 50 days a year? It’s barely parenting, even including sharing holidays.
As a Co parent same. My son had that arrangement with his dad and by the time he was 10 he was calling his dad by his real name and his stepdad became “dad”. He’s 16 now and chose to stop seeing his dad cus it wasn’t worth the effort to mess his routine for someone so rarely.
My partners family divorced and his dad did 50/50, the man adores his father. He loved being able to go where he pleased, have the choice as he got older to just bounce between whichever home he felt like at the time. He’s actually closer to his dad than his mother now, we’re mid 30’s and I’m still surprised how hands on his dad is it’s bloody lovely.
Imagine if a mother said she only see her kid every other weekend? She would be getting reamed out.
If you are going to be a parent, take responsibility for your kid! Any parent who cared would fight to see their kid more than two days a week. Meanwhile, mom is doing all the stuff that parent’s are supposed to do. How is that fair to her?
Ultimately, it is not your gf’s business. But I can see why she may be off put.
Two days EVERY OTHER weekend. So 4 days out of an entire month. And it’s probably really like 1.5 days on the weekend bc I doubt it’s from exactly sun up Saturday to sundown on Sunday. I don’t understand why he wouldn’t want a little more than that either
Ugh, I’m currently a single mom who went through this with my son’s dad. He basically went awol for over a year when my son was only 2. He eventually came back around but I made him prove he wasn’t going to just dip out on my son again like he did if I let him see him again. That was several years ago, but he’s still a shitty dad that only takes my son every other weekend. I’ve tried to ask him to partake more in my son’s life or to take him some extra weekends because I get soooo burned out, but he didn’t have any interest in doing so and ignored me when I’d even ask, so I quit asking. I realized I can’t beg or force someone to grow the fuck up themselves and be a parent. My son is still too young to fully understand that his dad is a piece of shit and he does love his dad so I don’t say anything about it to him, but he’ll figure it out on his own eventually. It seriously breaks my heart for my son (and OP’s kid) because he deserves better and I know it is effecting him more than I think he even realizes yet. OP needs to be an actual parent and stop being the ‘fun dad’ that spoils their kid for 4 days out of the month and then is completely absent when it comes to literally all of the actual responsibility of parenting.
no shit, i would be a parent if all i had to worry about was every other weekend. but that’s why i won’t be a parent, because to be a good parent is to NOT think like that.
I think he sounds like a schmuck and I wouldn’t date anyone who avoids being a present and responsible parent. He’s got a bunch of excuses for abdicating responsibility for his son. It speaks volumes about his character.
He's happy because his child's mother lets him do what he wants when his child isn't with him. He's not a co-parent and that is what his GF has picked up on. I hope she realises that she's going to be doing most of the care if she intends to have a child with this man.
Reading OPs story, I get the impression he likes things exactly the way they are. Which is so fucking unfortunate for OPs son. I dated a man like this once. Barely acknowledged his baby daughter and eventually I stopped seeing him because he just didn’t care to do better.
That’s the issue here. Does OP care to do better? And from what he wrote above, he does not. He likes the status quote the way it is because he’s a minimum viable parent. If I were the GF, I’d dip.
These comments are maddening. Every other weekend is okay, and you're being a good dad that way? What?!
It's not GF's business, and yet it is absolutely her business. If OP can't be a dad to his already existing son 50% of the time, doesn't say much about his ability to be a fully present parent for any children they have together, no?
I'm convinced the gf is in the denial stage ("surely my bf is a decent person who will step up if I point out what he missed by absolute accident") and if bf pushes back she will eventually bail.
>two homes is not a home
#
Wow crazy that I'm learning at the age of 36 that I didn't grow up with a home. My parents were fully divorced by the time I was two and split custody about 50/50. I endured abuse as a kid, but not because of that. I had *two* homes. I could shit on my dad all day, but he DID want his kids, and he was present for us, and he did make sure we all had full rooms with fill sets of clothes and toys each. I went back and forth throughout the week and alternated weekends and it was fine. Like I'm sorry but I have a hard time seeing the issue. I hope my husband and I never divorce, but if we ever do, I assume we'd work some sort of 50/50 custody thing out.
I'm divorced, two boys 5 and 6. We're legally 50/50, however she moved 35 minutes away and to a much better school district than I happen to be in. We'd homeschooled the boys until this past September, and they were 50/50 between our houses until this school year began. We both started new jobs, hers is stay at home so she can be there for them when they get home from school, I cannot until after 5. So during the weekdays, they're at their moms.
But I'm there every evening after work. I make the drive, even though some days I drive 4 hours (honestly makes the 35 minute drive each way seem like nothing) Taking them to the park, coaching tball, having dinner, bathing them, reading bedtime stories and putting them to bed. All At my ex's house, because we learned to coparent after the divorce and are decently friendly - definitely more-so than whilst married.
And I still wish I somehow had more time with them. Even my parents, married 48 years now, tell me I need a "day or two to myself" during the week - which would be helpful to keep up on chores and such.. but I just want to see my kids everyday. And I thought maybe they'd understand since they got to see me every day but.. maybe they didn't want to? I dunno. Has me baffled. I just want to see my kids every day because I love them and we bring each other joy and I can guide them when they need guidance. (And maybe their mom isn't really there for them all that much even though she's "there," she's really just laying in her bed with her headphones on from the time she gets off work til bedtime soo yeah, I want to be there and be present for them. As much. As. I. Can. Yknow?) 🤷🏼♂️
I FaceTime them while they're getting ready for school and hopping on the bus. And I'm 100% with them every weekend. And typically mom is for at least a few hours a day on the weekends as well. So add up the hours and I'm actually with them more time than even mom who has them during the week.
I dont know where this guy gets off thinking he's doing enough. But everyone is entitled to their opinions, and maybe his son feels it *is* enough. And if that's the case, well... says a lot. But I agree with whoever said the girlfriend is probably hoping to see a good dad actually come out, yet he's fumbling everything here. And it has me wondering.. why does he only have every other weekend visitation in the first place? I won't speculate, and I'll leave it at that.
I promise you, your kids are taking this in and, whether they fully understand now or not, they will understand eventually how much their dad has cared for them. My dad was a mixed bag of abusive and decent, but I always felt wanted by him. My parents lived within a half hour from one another, and due to multiple weird circumstances I ended up at a school basically I between their houses. My dad did make sure that I was able to go to that school by doing extra driving until I had a license.
#
I'm with you on wondering how EOW is enough. I know there can be extenuating circumstances, but as someone whose parents divorced around 1989/1990, where custody was split 50/50, I have a hard time with any gendered excuses. There are certainly situations like yours that are different, but the norm in the states, at least, is to default 50/50. (Dear incels and incel-adjacents, I don't need your response. You're not helping men with whatever BS you have to say.)
If she is, it's inappropriate. it's inappropriate either way. Not her kid, not her decision. The child has a stable home and family situation and she wants to turn his life upside down.
Yeah. I can see being resigned to less than 50/50 for some practical reason or something but to desire that is messed up. If you aren’t somehow upset that you’re resigned to the role of fun uncle there’s something wrong.
These comments are baffling. Yeah she can’t make you do anything but the kind of man and father you are okay with being is absolutely the “business” of someone wanting to build a life with you.
That's true, but it's also on her to communicate that. Also it's not like his barely-presence in his sons life is news to her. It seems unwise to try and change OP, if she thinks he's a half assed parent and wouldn't be a good dad to their kids, she should break up with him if that's important to her instead of trying to force him to be a more involved father to a kid that isn't hers.
I had the same arrangement with my father after a divorce that this kid has. He offered for me to live with him or do 50/50, but the idea of constantly lugging everything between houses and having to deal with everything differently, and equally, makes my skin crawl.
I would of course say “yeah, we can do it” because I didn’t want to be unfair to my father, but every time the plans started happening it was clear that it wasn’t best for me. Every other weekend was better, for my father and for me.
Not everyone is a deadbeat dad who finds themselves in a certain situation.
I was an every other weekend with my dad kid too. I tolerated having to bounce back and forth between the houses every couple of weeks because that was the way my life was but I would not have wanted to have to do it more often and certainly not during the week when I had school and stuff going on.
A man who is content to only see his child every other weekend is a deadbeat dad in my eyes. My guess is that's why your gf is getting involved. She doesn't want to believe you actually care that little about your own child.
Why did you agree to this custody arrangement in the first place? You are not "parallel parenting"; your ex is parenting and you are the occasional babysitter. Ask you son what he wants to do, but he will more than likely want to keep things as they are because his parents have already clearly demonstrated who loves him enough to want to live with him (hint: it's not you). Men who happily let their ex partners raise their kids like this are revolting.
You can go on and on about how much you love your son and are being a "good dad", but at the end of the day you are the one who CHOSE to only see him four days of every month. You don't seem particularly sad about it either.
Gf has no say in how your son is raised. However, I don't think she's being malicious here. She just sees that you spend 14% of your time with your child. Are you OK with spending that time with your child? Are you OK when he becomes a teenager and will then want to spend his weekends with his friends and not with you?
Are you doing the math correctly? Every other weekend is 4 days a month. Times 12 months is 48 days a year. 365 days divided by 48 days is (drumroll please) 7.604%. But I’ll round it up.
So he’s an 8% parent. Not 14%.
Your math is bad. 48 divided by 365x100. You did it backwards.
But come on. Give him credit. There are 52 weeks a year. Divide that by 2, for every other week. Multiply 2 days a week. That's 52 days a year. So 14%.
Plus every other holiday. That's what 5 more days? 57 days a year, so 15.6%!
She's probably considering what a future life with him would look like, which is a pretty reasonable thing to do in an adult relationship. She wants to know if he would be a good father to their own children, and the fact that OP is perfectly happy seeing his son only 4-5 days a month is probably very distressing. She's getting involved because she wants to know if he's capable of stepping up to the plate.
Or, she thinks 50/50 means he won't have to pay child support since he has his son an equal amount of time.
Or, she sees how close her bf and his son are and wants the bf to have more time with his boy.
Whatever her motivation, it's not her decision ... her input can be taken into account, but the child's mom and dad decide what works best for them and their child. And you want to keep that relationship a congenial and cooperative one.
option four, she thinks OP's a 'deadbeat'/doesn't spend enough time with his kid and doesn't like the idea of being in a relationship/potentially having kids with a guy whose okay with only seeing his kid every other weekend.
whatever it is, everyone here's right--it's none of her business
Yeah, i'd say at this point you're pretty set in being an every-other-weekend parent. Your child has a whole life and family that you'd be messing up if you succeeded in getting 50/50. You don't even want to have him more often and it would be a really cruddy situation for him, having his life upended and bring taken away from people who want to spend every day with him and put in the house of someone who doesn't really want him there more often. Plus, if you've been an every-other-weekend parent for 8 years, you're not going to be a good every day parent. You haven't built up those skills and habits and your kid will suffer while you try to build them up. If he's doing well in the current arrangement, let him stay in it.
Your girlfriend is probably realizing that you are ok being more of a spectator in your son's life than a parent, and that she finds that unappealing. She's trying to get you to change because she wants to believe you are a fully engaged parent instead of an every-other-weekend parent. I get why she would want that, but that's not you and if you mess up your son's life to try to be that type of parent, that's not really being a good parent because a good parent would do what's best for their child! So she might not really be a good fit long term.
This is the most sensible response.
I have read so many moms who say their kid’s dad is only seeking more custody because of a new girlfriend. OP should definitely not attempt to upend his kid’s life when the sole motivator is an adult who barely knows his child and hasn’t been around for a majority of the child’s life.
I even think kid might say yea I want more time with dad. Because dad isn’t involved in day to day discipline, he’s cooler and easier. But the reality is all the shifting has a strong potential to knock that kid off trajectory and into chaos.
OP, if you weren’t motivated to change your relationship with your son before, you probably know your own capabilities would fall short of what your kid deserves in a home life. If he’s safe, stable and loved with mom - don’t disrupt his life unless you’re ready to actually show up, cooperate and parent day-to-day.
Sounds like you are making up excuses to not have more responsibilities with your son. You only see him every second weekend?? That's awful. Why did you even have a kid if you don't want to be equally involved? IMO, your girlfriend is going to think this is a huge red flag and leave you.
I would be grossed out by a “father” who only sees his child every other weekend. You say it’s in his best interest, but it seems more like you really like being a very part-time dad. Your son would likely love to spend more time with you. But it’s easiest for you to let his mother do almost all of the work of child rearing.
This is the comment I came here for. He doesn’t parent at all, he gets happy fun playtime twice a month and gets to call himself a dad about it. I don’t really care what the girlfriend wants but I’m not really surprised at all the “you’re a GOOD DAD” in the comments. Foot-in-the-door fathers get more praise than God because they graciously decided to not walk away entirely.
Thank you! These comments are really surprising. I’d never date a man that didn’t have weekly custody of his child. It’s beyond me how he is comfortable with that arrangement. I hope his 11 year old son has a great stepdad.
Right? I would maybe consider it if the guy tried for equal custody and lost, or if he thought the child was genuinely better off being in one house most of the time. But if the guy wasn't EXTREMELY sad about the arrangement, I would be so grossed out. OP doesn't seem to be sad at all.
Why not just ask your son ? No matter what your GF’s feelings are, it should be ultimately his decision about what would be best and most comfortable for him. Not you , not your GF or his mother. I was a child of divorced parents. How quickly decisions were made for the good of the children without consulting them. Your son’s opinion is really the only one that matters here. If he’s happy as is, then let it be. If not, adapt and change things .
what does ur son want? when my parents split up i saw my dad one evening a week and every other weekend, but stopped doing regular scheduled visits when i started having more extracurricular commitments on weekends and couldn’t be staying in another city every other week.
it’s been more than 10 years now and i think i’ve got a closer relationship with my dad (and my mum!) than most 20-somethings, so i can tell you for sure it’s not strictly necessary to have a 50/50 split to have a good bond. see what ur kid wants, and if he’s genuinely good with what you’re doing right now, if it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Honestly, it doesn't sound like you want "stability for your son." It sounds like ***you*** want to keep your 86%-childfree life. Which I get—but it's *also* why I do not have and will never have children. Once you made a person, you lost the right to legitimately make that choice.
My parents' divorce was finalized when I was 5 years old, and they had 50/50 shared custody of my brother and me. In our case, rather than every other week, it was divided by day of the week, with some days alternating. (By the time I was probably 8 or so, my father had moved into a duplex about half a block from my mother, so it was extremely easy for us to go back and forth, or it's possible we might have changed to an alternating weeks arrangement.) The joint custody was never an issue, ever, and my brother and I knew that both our parents cared about us, to the extent that they both wanted the same amount of time with us and involvement in our lives, and that they wanted to make sure we would never be something for them to fight about.
It was not disruptive. It did not cause "personality issues," any more than being raised by two parents in a single household causes them. If you were actually ***parenting*** your son now (instead of, effectively, having a sleepover party twice a month), you would already be an equally important influence on his life.
"Truly dedicating" to him the time you spend on weekends (two per month! wow! amazing! a whole 1/7 of his life!) and showing up to his school events doesn't show you're a good dad. It's the *bare minimum* of what you should be doing with a child. And calling to "make sure he's behaving for his mother" is weird, condescending backseat driving of *her* parenting.
Also, after three years, either your girlfriend is your partner or she's not. If she's your partner, she should also be a parent to your son, and you need to agree on how to raise him. If you can't, then you shouldn't be partners, and you should be clear that you're just friends who fuck sometimes, not people who are sharing a life. Like, it sounds like I am literally more of a "parent" to my "stepcat" than your girlfriend is allowed to be to your actual human son.
**TL;DR: Either start acting like your son's actual parent or admit that you don't actually want to parent him. You should also start treating your girlfriend like your actual partner unless you want to admit you're not serious about that relationship, either.**
So you're basically a Disney dad?? Not havig to deal with the day to day rotuien of school etc.
I've been split since my kid was 8. I basically took carenof her 99.9% of the time while married. But my ex was entitled to 50/50 and acne he was sober that's what he wanted. We have a 2/5 schedule and it works great. He's with her every Monday and Tuesday and with me every Wednesday and Thursday and then every other weekend. So one week I have her 5 days the next 2 days. I feel that this works better than 1 week on and 1 week off. She always know where she will be at Monday through Thursday. It also makes it easier for us with our work schedules. It woudl eb much harder to manage that if we had to change that every other week. My kid is 14 and happy as a clam. I hate her dad but we are civil and don't talk shit about each other.
Your gf doesn't have any say in it of course but she isn't wrong. Why wouldn't you want your kid more? Just because it's always been like that doesn't mean it shouldn't change now that he's older. He probably would benefit form having more them with his dad.
She concerned that you aren't showing enough interest and if you guys ever plan of havign kids it potbelly makes her wonder how involved you'd be in the day to day routine of raising a kid.
She is right to be wary of this and I respectfully disagree with your logic.
He will need his father so much in these coming years. Does he have a stepdad?
Hurting the mom and step family to please his girlfriend would not suddenly make him a better man. You can’t just act like those people don’t exist. They should be the first ones consulted, imo.
I agree with you but I think everyone is just pointing fingers at the girlfriend here. I’m saying she’s right to say her boyfriend should want more custody.
It doesn’t set right with her and I agree with her.
This might be contrary to all the other comments, but I have been in your EXACT situation, and I can put my hand on my heart and swear to you that every other weekend is not enough. That’s what, 6 days a month? Your kid deserves more of you than that. I thought it was fine too, until someone set my head straight. If you get 50/50 your relationship with your kid will be on an entirely different level, and you both deserve it.
I’d ask your son what he wants to do and if he’s like to just try every other week if he is keen to spend more time with you. Check back in periodically with him to make sure he still wants 50/50. Remind him that it’s his choice and he can change his mind if he’s feeling like he doesn’t have a home base.
Maybe doing 90% by her self feels a little much considering he’s half your responsibility. You just want to be fun dad. Weekend dad. So you don’t have to be carpool dad or school work help dad. That all her responsibility because she’s an insert insult here!
Did the gf notice your son wants more time/is hinting at it? Or is she doing it for some vague justice “fairness” thing? Like others said it’s really your son’s call.
If your son wanted it would you be happy to?
I can't imagine not being 50/50 with my kid - and neither would they handle only seeing me on weekends. That's just us.. if your son is happy and you havnt taken the step to go 50 50 then I wouldn't upset the system.
Honestly no shame but clearly you don’t want to coparent you just don’t want to not be part of his life. Your girlfriend probably likes your son and wants to spend more time with him. She also probably doesn’t want to believe you don’t want more time with him. You shouldn’t change your custody schedule because of a relationship…should only be related to your son and his mom
Brother-in-law’s son was 50-50 with alternating weeks, and at the time it seemed fine. Nephew is now approaching 50 and said it was horrible. He never felt like he had a home.
If it’s working, don’t upset it. You are in a sweet spot, age-wise. 11 year olds don’t hate you yet and they’re capable of stuff.
Let me start with, I have 7 children. 5 years ago, I moved out and was legally separated. We did so because, frankly, we weren’t sure if we would stay apart, I am the one with the health insurance and the earned income for tax purposes. I have a lot of experience. Believe me when I say, you’re in a sweet spot and your time is limited. Once they hit middle school, they get weird and cranky and once they hit high school, they’re done with you.
My 3 youngest daughters (now only 2) have alternated weekends that they come see me because they want one on one time with mom.
It makes your time together more valuable. It doesn’t sound like you have too many problems with your child’s living arrangements or your ex. That is also a big plus.
I have a question that might sting a bit. Are you currently paying child support? Because if you split time and custody, you don’t pay. That may be some of the unspoken impetus on your gf’s part. I pay an astronomical sum in child support, provide the insurance and still pay for half of all school activities and out of pocket medical expenses, namely braces. It’s not fair, but things are working for my kids and that is what matters.
My 11 yo daughter’s teacher told me my daughter get excited when it’s her weekend. She talks about it and can’t wait. I am going to UNR in a couple weeks to pick up my oldest daughter and I have another son graduating high school this month. Your goal is to raise your children as best you can with as little trauma as possible. Don’t rock the boat
Sorry, but it sounds like you don’t really want to be involved with him. Calling to tell him what to do is not being a father. You should be fighting to see him and do things with him. I had the same relationship with my dad growing up and he will not respect you or care about you when you are old.
Seeing your kid every other week is “stability”? You’re doing more damage barely seeing him and parenting over the phone than him having to go back and forth between two houses will ever do.
He’s on His own side and doesn’t give much of a shit about his child. It’s so gross. But so accepted- many dads are content to let the mom do the real parenting and be friendly strangers to their kids
I had two homes with alternating weeks when I was that age. It was a logistical challenge, but I still went to the same school and had the same friends. Forty years later I have a strong relationship with my dad and I have a great role model to follow to raise my sons. I bet this would not be the case if I didn’t split time.
Although no one had to convince him to take me and he didn’t have to go to court to get my mom to agree to that, so other circumstances may apply here.
But it’s really not a big deal as long as you live in the same town. Showing your son how to live is a major part of being a father. If you’re not interested, then it’s probably for the better.
As someone who lived a week on week off thing...
It was very destabilising.
I was younger than your son and did not really notice at the time (we did a 2 or 3 week cycle actually) but moving that often really had me living out of boxes and it is something I find hard (in my 40's!) to avoid even though I live in my own house for over a decade now.
If you can set it up so the kid stays in one house and the parents do the moving then that would be better (but probably feels laughable... that is how it would be for the kid!)
There is the advantage that I knew my parents both better than if I had only had weekends at one (and as the kid gets older that can also feel like a burden... they have hard week at school and want to goof and chill with friends, but have to have 'quality time' with a "needy" parent)
As others have said talk to child and try and work out what they want, and good luck!
Perhaps your GF is concerned that you’re not fully committed as a father. (I’m not saying you are, you seem like this is well thought out and you are genuinely concerned for what’s best for your child) maybe she feels that if she were to have children with you, and you two were to split, she’d be left holding the parenting ‘bag’. I’d recommend some deep conversations about what the root of the issue is. Get a couples counsellor if necessary.
Child of divorce here. Your concerns are valid. I did both the things you're describing and the week on, week off sucked for me personally but obviously everyone is different.
Took me a second to realize that GF is a 3rd party, not your exGF. While her intentions are altruistic (hopefully), she doesn't really get a say about it. IMO, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. At the very most, talk to your son and ask him what he wants.
I have known parents to have homes in the same neighborhoods so that their kids could go back and forth at will. It’s rare, but I do know of some parents who did this on purpose. And they made it work and the kids liked that they could see either parent when they wanted. When I left my first husband, our son was 15 and I allowed him to be with his father as much as he wanted. My lawyer didn’t like that, but I felt it best to allow our son to know where he wanted to be. Right wrong indifferent , doesn’t matter, it is what I wanted at the time. He would spend most holidays with his dad and I was ok with that. I even told him he could live with his dad but he chose not to. I do feel that kids can be asked if they want more time with a parent. I think kids can have an input , but up to a point.
Thinking of your child’s needs first & prioritizing him & the stability of his living situation does not make one a shitty parent. My guess is your GF is starting to see you as a potential mate and is organizing a family life in her head around you that includes your son. It’s not a bad thing, but maybe time to talk about where that relationship is heading. Do you see having a family with her?
Split housing 50/50 has been shown to be one of the least effective methods for building a child’s sense of stability, safety, expectations, and regulation.
Adjusting to a different set of rules and expectations every other week is an incredible burden to ask of a child.
I would say respectfully to not encourage your girlfriend to be involved. This is between you, your ex, and your child. It's hard enough to navigate that number of people's needs. If something happens between your gf and you and you don't work out, you're still left with the ramifications of her inserting herself. Not to say that her feelings shouldn't be heard but she should respect who this is really about - your child.
If you and your son and his mom are all happy with the current arrangement, why is your gf putting her nose in it? Honestly, none of her business. If you take your ex to court or ask your son to make that decision, you’ll make problems where there are none, possibly tainting your relationship with your son and sabotaging what seems to be a respectful and amicable relationship with your ex.
You are 100 % correct. Do not go to court if you don’t have to . I think the way you think makes you an outstanding parent and father. You are smart. Your ex is lucky to have you put your son first and do what’s best for him. Your girlfriend doesn’t get it because she loves you and it is not her biological child . She will prob be great step parent too. She obviously cares and it is sweet of her to want you to have what naturally should be yours and want to help fix it for you. But fixing it for you will not necessarily fix it for him . As the parent it’s a price you pay out of love . It is your child you can’t cut the child in half you love the child enough to let them go before watch them some one split them in half. why try to fix what is not broken kids need consistency and routine to thrive and be happy. I think you are so cool to reach out and double check your self and her to put your child first. I had an ex that took me to court every time he could again and again and my daughter suffered so much Physically and mentally it took such a tole on our whole family . It hurt every person in our home in some way and she would tell him please don’t, I like the way things are but he was too selfish. He loved court and he loved the fight. .The stress of it all was horrible.
Maybe not the right point to raise: but… why is a gf, who is not a long time partner/wife telling you what to do?
I understand if it came from you, but I don’t get why she should be the one telling you? Sounds more like a personal issue.
I would talk to her and see what’s actually going on under the surface.
You’ve only been together for 3 years, she’s 27 and wants to be a step-mom to someone’s son and she’s not married to the dad?
In our modern day, 27 is way too young. I would dig deeper.
You're not wrong. I grew up being shuffled back and forth between two homes, and it was like whiplash every week. If the current arrangement works for everyone, no need to disrupt everyone's life with an attempt to change it. That could turn into an ugly and costly custody battle, and again, as a former kid who went through that, it's not fun and it's traumatic. It might be different if you and your son wanted a new arrangement, but it's not your girlfriend's place to dictate, and frankly it's a red flag that she's trying to control this situation.
Ah, the new stepmother crusade. Lots of women fall into this trap. They're going to crusade to get their man more parenting time because it's just so unfair! And they're going to be super stepmom and show that kid's mother what REAL parenting looks like!! \*EYE ROLL\* It's super great of you to realize that the status quo is what's right for everyone. Lots of men just go along with this 50/50 business, and then the super stepmom finds herself doing all the heavy lifting on dad's time because dad never wanted more in the first place. You stick to your gunes. You know what's best for your kid and for your your relationship with him. Just tell gf no, and if she doesn't like that, she's welcome to move along to a family structure that works for her.
My parents split custody, lived in the same town 3 blocks from eachother. I still hated having two homes. Your favorite shirt? Oh it's at the other house. Your n64? other house.
Going and having a good weekend with someone every 2 weeks would be great, little break from mom, 5 star weekend with dad, but ultimately you know there's one place to go back to.
If you can online game with your son or something so you can hang out more often that could be worth something maybe. Who knows, it's for you, your wife, and your son to decide.
“My gf feels” - I don’t care, full stop. She’s not his parent and you are giving her way too much power, when you should be telling her to stay in her lane. This isn’t her issue and I’m so GD tired of seeing the “new gf” completely try to disrupt what is working because HER needs aren’t being met. This has little to do with what is in your son’s best interest. She wants to play house. She wants to insert herself and you’re letting her.
You have well thought out reasons. Do that. Your girlfriend has an opinion and spoke it. That's fine. Anything more is an attempt to control you and a situation that is not hers to control. This is your decision. I don't think it should be left to your son either because children are not yet good at well thought out reasoning.
This child has been doing this since he was 3 . There’s no reason at all to completely turn his and your life upside down because a GF says so. If your son had been asking you to change the visitstion - well, that’s totally different . Leave the boy alone and keep doing what you are doing .
If your son has made no mention, why are you even entertaining this? Simply tell your girlfriend until such time your son, his mother, and you feel there needs to be a change, nothing will. Girlfriends (no matter how long you've been together) don't get wife rights. Just saying....
As a lawyer whose done divorce cases and after being in a custody case myself, please tell your girlfriend to fuck off!
The kid is happy.
You are happy.
Ex is happy.
There is calm and balance in the parenting universe.
So many BF's and GF's fuck this up and start a custody issue that makes everyone miserable, hateful, resentful, and significantly poorer.
If you are happy, his mother is happy, and Kiddo is happy, then things are fine. You're not a shitty dad. I agree that 50/50 is very hard on kids and that custody is often not fair to the parent who gets less time. But this has been working for you for years.
Your girlfriend doesn't get any say on this (and I was a stepparent). Custody is a matter for the parents, not a girlfriend or a stepparent. She's out of her lane. This is not her business.
Not so sound mean but your girlfriend shouldn't have a say on this. She has NOTHING to do with your son i mean if your look at it from her Pov she may be thinking it's the best for both of you or something i don't think shes trying to be mean and worm her way into your sons' life but. If that current arrangement works why change it? Plus, your son is 11 now realistically that's what 7 years before he is 18 and can decide on his own?
speaking as the exwife in a very similar situation. My ex was very happy with our situation and most important the kids were. The "girlfriend" felt like I was getting way more out of our agreement than he and that I had taken him to the cleaners. note: I do not get or pay child support. We just called it even between the two of us. It eventually turned ugly with her treating me awful and she soon became the exgirlfriend. Shes going to ruin your relationship/
Minus gf's verbal input into this young boy's life and family unit, she's simply a random interloper. With possibly an ulterior motive.
If this question ever comes up it should be introduced and discussed among the mother, father, and son. Gf is not even party to these three. She's dad's girlfriend. Nothing to the 3 nuclear family members. I agree with the "stay in her lane" commenter! She's stirring a pot she's got no business stirring.
As a mother that is parallel parenting with my ex and we are both in relationships with other people, why in the hell do you allow your girlfriend to interfere with You and your child’s relationship? That is exactly what she is doing. Inserting her opinion. Making you feel as if you are doing something wrong. Telling you what she thinks is best for him?!….
Is your son being mistreated?
Is your son in any kind of harm?
Does he beg to not go home?
Is he happy? Heathy?safe?
Is his home life good?
Does she (girlfriend) have any other justifications other than “you don’t get enough time”? Or is this about money?
Or maybe this is odd to her that everyone’s okay and this just his normal life….? This is what he knows, this is what he is comfortable with, this agreement is what makes everyone happy? You say you two are extremely close. Great why put your child through hell for what? Him to sleep at your house a couple more nights a week?
Why in the world would you upheave a child’s life and all he has ever known because your girlfriend “thinks” it’s best.?
She (from what I assume) has no children, she may be wanting to “play parent”.
The ONLY people who should have an opinion/say in YOUR child’s life is you and his mother. Period.
THIS is how children are torn between parents. This is how the fighting starts. This is how it starts going downhill REALLY quick. The reason I know this is because I have lived it. It took years! YEARS! Three judges and THOUSANDS of dollars to get my ex husband to understand that his new wife was NOT the parent and never will have any authority or decision making over our children. That cause so much damage to my children and she is now in total control of their father that he doesn’t even see them anymore. He calls every few weeks. When my kids ask to go over he says “I don’t want to be here, why would you?”
If you, your child, and the child’s mother are happy(and the child is safe) with your arrangement then your girlfriend needs to back off. She can have an opinion, but just like assholes, everyone has one.
If you don’t nip this in the butt right now, she will take over and it will no longer involve you. It will be her and your ex making the decisions on your son.
Please don’t ruin your relationship with your son for what your girlfriend thinks is “best”.
At this stage and factoring in his age, this would be a sit-down convo between you, him, and mom. What does he want? Does he want to see you more? Does mom actually like the current setup or is she feeling overwhelmed and just hasn’t told you? I would discuss these things fully before going the court route and making things possibly hurtful. Maybe your GF means well, but honestly she has no jurisdiction over this. Your son is NOT her child. She has no say. Best of luck to you.
I'm a little baffled by all the "You're a terrible dad, you should take him more" responses. Changing the custody arrangement will not magically make this guy have what it takes to make 50/50 a good experience for the son.
You are a parent. Your ex is a parent. Your girlfriend is just a side character. Her opinion really should not matter in the raising of your son.
NO that does not make you a shitty dad. Stability is very important for a child! You have to do what's best for the child, even if you'd like it to be another way. By thinking about what is best for your son, you're being a good dad. <3
I can't imagine dating a single parent and telling them to take their ex to court to alter a parenting agreement, especially if that agreement is already working and satisfactory to everyone involved, most importantly the child. Your girlfriend is wild.
The fact that she’s chiming in let’s you know she’s going to ALWAYS have opinions of stuff like this. For some, that’s fine, for others, it may be a lot of future conflict. Personally, I’d prefer someone who lets the parents parent, unless there’s a child in danger.
If you and his mother are in sync, and your son is well adjusted and doing well at home and in school, then it doesn’t matter what the gf thinks.
If your son should ask you to spend more time, however, you should definitely reopen that as a discussion with his mother.
Damn. She should find something else to do with her time. No. If it isn’t broken you don’t go break it just because someone wants you to break it. Good for you not acquiescing to her idea of what protection for your son actually is.
I feel girlfriends and boyfriends of whatever length of time need to butt out of what the parents are doing. Unless there's a deadbeat parent then maybe point out the red flags. Otherwise, your gf needs to mind herself and stay out of 'family' business. When she has a kid she can do all the parenting she wants. Your son has been in a stable routine as you said, and you would ABSOLUTELY be the AH for allowing the gf to butt in to what isnt her family or business.
This is a family discussion not a gf demand. She isn’t even his stepmother! If your son wants more time w you make something happen. Like dinner one night a week. But 50/50 is a huge change. Great when it works but super hard when it doesn’t.
It sounds like you strongly consider your son’s best interests above all others.
You’re a good dad.
Keep doing what works for you and your son and your ex. Coparenting can look like a lot of different things. No one arrangement is right for all. I think you’ve got something going that really works for you and for your child and for the coparent l. I think this a time for her to step back and just embrace the existing situation.
Question is- can she accept your wisdom here and let it go? It’s one thing to say, hey, I think you should not be afraid to advocate for more time. But if she keeps badgering you or uses language that implies lack of care to your carefully thought out decision – that says a lot about her level of respect for you…
I'm a sample size of one, but your current arrangement is what I had as a kid. It worked out well all around. I was and am very close to my father. I grew up fairly oblivious to the hours he worked and the amount of business travel he did, because when it was his and my weekend together, we were just together.
Having a single home with my mom and eventually stepfather really mattered for stability. School morning routines were identical. Friends knew where to find me. I had a bedroom that was my space, not two bedrooms in different towns where one felt lesser.
So you're right, it's not necessary. Do what my parents did and focus solely on the best interests of your son.
I had this arrangement too, and while I also think it was probably good for stability, I’m not close to my dad at all as an adult. Kids can tell if this type of thing is done for their best interests or because dad doesn’t really want to dad.
This exactly. I too grew up with this arrangement and me and my dad were extremely close and as I got older (adulthood) we spent a lot more time together. But switching back and forth like that is super hard on kids and eventually builds a weird resentment for one parent for how things are done being different at the other parents home.
What does your son want?
This is the only question. A kid that age is old enough to have an opinion, and have that opinion respected.
What about also talking to the kid's mother? Is that not a conversation that should happen also?
That is what sticks out to me. Who the hell is the GF to chime in on this? This is between OP and their ex. GF needs to stay in her lane and not interfere. She can have all the opinions she wants, but she needs to keep her opinion on custody and parental time to herself. She has no business interfering. If she doesn't like it, she is free to leave.
I'm guessing she figures if he goes for 50/50 he'll have his child support cut and she'll have access to more money (for some reason that's the vibe I get) What she doesn't realize is that may not work out in her favor because child support tries to make incomes as even as possible between homes, so he may still have to pay it.
This is most likely the scenario. This is crappy - GF has absolutely no right to chime in on an arrangement which is working just fine for everyone (and I'm assuming here that the kid is happy with it).
Whats krappy is the 'Dad' is having to come on here to even ask this!! Its a flat out "My kid, my business. Thanks but No". End of.
Completely. Not even a debate.
Or she genuinely does want the kid in their lives more. But what she wants doesn't matter.
That’s what I thought
Eh, not really. He's probably never experienced and would have an over optimistic idea of what day to day living with Dad would be. OP can focus on his Son when he has him, because he has him so rarely. That would not be possible in a 50/50 split and an 11 year old may not emotionally understand that change.
It's not like you couldn't just go back to a different routine if 50/50 doesn't work. Sometimes parenting is letting kids make choices and then both dealing with consequences and redirecting the ship if things don't go as you planned. Nobody asked the kid what he wanted.
This is an important question. At 11, the courts would care about this
Forcing him to choose between his parents would be the most harmful thing to put him through. Can you imagine the guilt he will carry for the rest of his life?
I don’t think he should be forced to choose, but he should be able to give his opinion. It would be best if dad mentions to mom that he’s going to have a conversation with the son about this first. Springing it on her could sour an otherwise good parenting relationship. It could be framed as an option for later, as well. Maybe when he hits high school he’ll want to try living at dad’s more. He doesn’t have to have an opinion today.
This guy doesn’t want anything to change. His girlfriend thinks he should push for more time
Yeah I don’t think OP wants more custody; he wants us to tell him this is best for the kid so OP can avoid seeking any change.
It maybe best for the kid. If I had to pack up and move each week I’d be lost; I need a home base to visit from. This arrangement works for everyone but the girlfriend.
As a child who lived in a 50/50 split, packing up my life and unpacking it every week (for me at least) created a mentality of “why bother unpacking, I’ll just have to do it again next week”. That feeling still lingers now. I’m lucky enough to have owned a home with my partner for nearly 4 years, and I still have stuff in boxes because there’s this latent sense it’s all going to have to be packed up as soon as I commit to unpacking it. It’s also a huge logistical pain, forgetting a school book or some homework at one parents meant being disciplined in school, and the teachers generally don’t care to listen to a 12 year old kid and be empathetic. And if your parents do sort out getting it to you, there’s guilt that you’re wasting their time, the guilt sticks around too. Disclaimer: some teachers do care, but unless they’ve experienced it themselves they can’t understand the chaos caused by constantly moving around.
This massively hurt my older son, he's 24 now and still bitter about it. His father and I lived in two different towns (he moved away) and our son still doesn't feel like he's from anywhere in particular.
Luckily, a lot of homework and textbooks are entirely online now. Much easier to be portable. I would think it makes more sense for the kid to have what he needs at both places with duplicates of some favorite/essential items (toothbrush, phone and computer chargers, clothes and gear for sports). If the kid literally has to pack a bag every week, I think the parents haven't adequately prepared.
As a parent, I’m alarmed by the idea of being happy to see my kid only **4 days a month**. I’m also troubled by the idea that it’s best for the kid to barely see one parent.
It's simple. He's the Hallmark weekend fun dad.
Yeah, I think that’s how he likes it. He gets to just have fun a couple weekends a month. He doesn’t have to do the hard work of day to day parenting.
Agreed! I think the child also has a legitimate family with his mom (who remarried and now he has a full time step dad and sisters). I find it admirable that he doesn’t want to uproot his life, + my guess is he likes being the “Hallmark weekend fun dad” as you say, so it works well for all involved. I think the only mess in this situation is the girlfriend who is putting her nose where it absolutely doesn’t belong!
He's not choosing between his parents. He would be spending more time with the parent he's spent much less time with.
This happened to me. I’m 40 and still feel like shit about it
Something to take into consideration for sure, but also, he's 11. Unfair to assume he has the capacity to understand what's actually best for his growth.
I mean, he could always frame it like “Hey bud, you’re getting older and I wanted to check in. How are you feeling about the custody split? Are you getting enough time with me?” You never know with kids and 11 is old enough to start considering his autonomy in this situation. The conversation might also lead to a closer relationship.
That would be a good approach because you are not turning over the decision making to a child, but you are getting information for your decision making as a parent. Win win.
Perfect
I agree. These things are incredibly nuanced sometimes, and what a child wants may actually not be the best for them. Certainly something to consider, but ultimately should still be an adult decision that considers the long-term stability and well-being and other consequences. For instance, living with another parent may be more fun so the parent who does most of the disciplining and boundary-setting may seem awful, without realizing that the fun parent might not take you to the doctor, the dentist, have any oversight on your life, let's you do whatever you want. Anecdotally I was presented this option as a teen, and will say that having so much freedom to do whatever I wanted with no oversight lead to incredibly poor decisions, depression, and situations that kids probably shouldn't be in. Also, anecdotally my stepchild would rather live with her mother full-time but historically when they were younger and we had 50/50 instead of primary, there were instability (they moved every few months, had a bout of homelessness,. She tried to change get us to change her school every time she moved - and did that with her eldest) no boundaries, occasional drug use, not ensuring the kid has basic needs, and frankly neglect (no expectations of personal grooming, clothes, forgetting to pick up the kid from school etc. ). They and their mother are very close and her mom makes a great friend to her, but also her parenting is not parenting. OP has been a weekend parent for years. OP is not the primary parent, has no desire to be the primary parent, but this is what *a girlfriend* wants. That would be a bit of a red flag to me to ask a kid if they want to live with their non-primary parent more often that would bring significant changes to the kid's life especially with two very different parenting styles. I actually applaud OP for recognizing this not being ideal for his kid.
Also, you'd be asking a child to answer a question that might feel like a "lose/lose" situation for them, like either way they answer, they'd be hurting one parent's feelings.
I made the choice at 12 and it wasn’t the right one. Im so fucked up from my parents.
Maybe he could ask the son if he’s getting enough time with dad and if not, increase to a week or two during the summers until the kid is a little older.
Although you may think an 11 year old has the forethought and maturity to make an important decision like that - they don’t. Kids want/need consistency and stability. You can’t change the game 11 years in. I’m telling you from real life experience. If it’s not broke, don’t fix it. IMHO
Can you go talk to the guy on the thread with the 11 yr old raising her selfish big sister kids with their parent basically enabling big sis. He seems to think an 11 yr old will be ok in *sole* charge of two *babies*!
Also unfair to assume he should have zero input on something which will shape the rest of his childhood and teen years. At least talk to the kid.
THE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION. THE ONLY ONE REALLY
⬆️
And is what you’re doing working for your ex and your son? Seems like it is and the GF needs to stay in her lane.
Yeah honestly if both his parents and the kid are happy, don't fix what isn't broken. If one of them has a problem with it, then obviously, reevaluate the system.
Came here to say exactly this.
Seriously, before paying $1000s to a lawyer and potentially alienating your son and ex, talk to them and ignore the gf.
Yeah and *without* either parents coercion for one or the other. My mom coerced me into getting less time with my dad and it still haunts me.
You don't sound like a sh#tty dad. Why does the GF get a vote here? Why are you giving her that power over your family?
>I leave her to raise our son and she leaves me to do what I please during my time and I like that. >His mother and I don’t really “co-parent.” This is textbook shitty dad. I have kids and they are an INCREDIBLE amount of work to raise properly. Parenting is more than just being friends with your kids. Taking 2 days out of 14 to be a fun-time weekend dad is not parenting. 50/50 custody is standard for a reason, it’s generally what’s best for the kids. It’s unusual these days for a father not to want more time. He openly admits his ex is the one raising his son. OP is trying to spin this as best for everyone but stepping up would be best for his kid. I think the GF only wants him to get 50/50 so she feels better about the kind of father he is and how he might be as a father to her future kids.
I agree. Which is why he should not fight for more custody. Seems step father will end up being the real father figure. And I think OP recognizes that and accepts it so stick with that.
Very text book shitty. A weekend father is not a dad. If he took his kid 50/50 now, would he even know how to become a dad? Don't think it would be good for the kid. This father is enjoying his autonomy too much. He could get resentful. Side thought--Ive known a few weekend fathers to become full time parents to their sons as they hit their teen years. They became unruly towards the mom and lack of real father figure showed as soon as testosterone hit the blood stream. OP may be forced to learn true parenting yet... its not like texting throughout the week.
The girlfriend’s job is support your parenting not be a parent. She needs to back off.
She's more than allowed to have an opinion, as long as she goes about it respectfully. I say this as the child of divorced parents, one of which certainly could've used an outside opinion on occasion.
I am a stepmom. It's hard. But things got a whole lot easier when I realized my role was not to parent, but to support my husband in his role as parent.
They've been together three years. Either she's going to coparent this kid, or she's not really his partner.
>You don't sound like a sh#tty dad. He sounds like a barely-there dad. His son is a side-project or a hobby to him. He left the raising of this kid to the mom. His whole line about not wanting to treat the kid like a toy, bouncing between two homes was a bunch of self-justification bullshit. He's created a permission structure so he doesn't feel guilty about being a barely-there dad. I have split-custody with my kids, and the only reason I didn't fight for more than 50% is that I want them to have a healthy relationship with their mom, too. But even loosing 50 percent of my time with them was gut-wrenching. Clearly this guy felt none of that.
Completely agree. He’s happy with the limited responsibility. I imagine like many part time parents, he’s talking about how much his kid is his life cause women like that and the gf thinks he actually wants to evenly share parenting. Or she’s looking for an indication that he won’t do that to their kids if they have any. Either way, OP and girlfriend should probably be transparent with each other.
I agree. Each person is responsible to deal with their own responsibilities that they had before they got together. It’s similar to each person being responsible to manage their own parents and their own side of the family.
Not her business since it’s not her kid. But man you do seem like a dad who only gives half an ass. You see him what 4-6 days a month? What about parent teacher nights? Going to sports practice? Dr’s appointment? Sounds like your girlfriend sees you for what you are. A fun babysitter. Not a father. You okay with missing most of your kids life? Really?
There are grandparents who see their grandbabies more than that. Parallel parenting? What is that even suppose to mean? Sounds like he wants to keep his hands out of the responsibility jar.
Parallel parenting is a common term that is used to describe parents who don't really comingle parenting. They each do their own thing in their own homes, and are typically low conflict. This is actually a good thing, usually.
Why don’t you ask your soon what he wants? Even an extra dedicated day or two every week I’m sure would be nice for both of you.
Some states have an age like 12 where the child’s opinion is considered.
You can consider your child's views at any age...
Is she a child of divorce? It’s possible you seem like a disinterested low effort dad to someone who has been on the child’s side of things. I mean you said it yourself leaving your ex wife to raise your child. 😬 What does your son think and don’t coach him with your preference or thoughts just ask him if he’d prefer time split equally or not.
As a child of divorce, one weekend every two weeks is a joke. That’s what, 50 days a year? It’s barely parenting, even including sharing holidays. As a Co parent same. My son had that arrangement with his dad and by the time he was 10 he was calling his dad by his real name and his stepdad became “dad”. He’s 16 now and chose to stop seeing his dad cus it wasn’t worth the effort to mess his routine for someone so rarely. My partners family divorced and his dad did 50/50, the man adores his father. He loved being able to go where he pleased, have the choice as he got older to just bounce between whichever home he felt like at the time. He’s actually closer to his dad than his mother now, we’re mid 30’s and I’m still surprised how hands on his dad is it’s bloody lovely.
Same. We called my dad the sperm donor. Pretty sure the gf sees the same thing.
Yup, I’m seeing the same.
This 100%
Imagine if a mother said she only see her kid every other weekend? She would be getting reamed out. If you are going to be a parent, take responsibility for your kid! Any parent who cared would fight to see their kid more than two days a week. Meanwhile, mom is doing all the stuff that parent’s are supposed to do. How is that fair to her? Ultimately, it is not your gf’s business. But I can see why she may be off put.
Two days EVERY OTHER weekend. So 4 days out of an entire month. And it’s probably really like 1.5 days on the weekend bc I doubt it’s from exactly sun up Saturday to sundown on Sunday. I don’t understand why he wouldn’t want a little more than that either
He's happy with the arrangement.
That says it all, imo.
Ugh, I’m currently a single mom who went through this with my son’s dad. He basically went awol for over a year when my son was only 2. He eventually came back around but I made him prove he wasn’t going to just dip out on my son again like he did if I let him see him again. That was several years ago, but he’s still a shitty dad that only takes my son every other weekend. I’ve tried to ask him to partake more in my son’s life or to take him some extra weekends because I get soooo burned out, but he didn’t have any interest in doing so and ignored me when I’d even ask, so I quit asking. I realized I can’t beg or force someone to grow the fuck up themselves and be a parent. My son is still too young to fully understand that his dad is a piece of shit and he does love his dad so I don’t say anything about it to him, but he’ll figure it out on his own eventually. It seriously breaks my heart for my son (and OP’s kid) because he deserves better and I know it is effecting him more than I think he even realizes yet. OP needs to be an actual parent and stop being the ‘fun dad’ that spoils their kid for 4 days out of the month and then is completely absent when it comes to literally all of the actual responsibility of parenting.
no shit, i would be a parent if all i had to worry about was every other weekend. but that’s why i won’t be a parent, because to be a good parent is to NOT think like that.
I think he sounds like a schmuck and I wouldn’t date anyone who avoids being a present and responsible parent. He’s got a bunch of excuses for abdicating responsibility for his son. It speaks volumes about his character.
He's happy because his child's mother lets him do what he wants when his child isn't with him. He's not a co-parent and that is what his GF has picked up on. I hope she realises that she's going to be doing most of the care if she intends to have a child with this man.
Reading OPs story, I get the impression he likes things exactly the way they are. Which is so fucking unfortunate for OPs son. I dated a man like this once. Barely acknowledged his baby daughter and eventually I stopped seeing him because he just didn’t care to do better. That’s the issue here. Does OP care to do better? And from what he wrote above, he does not. He likes the status quote the way it is because he’s a minimum viable parent. If I were the GF, I’d dip.
Actually my ex SIL did this very thing. She is a literal POS
These comments are maddening. Every other weekend is okay, and you're being a good dad that way? What?! It's not GF's business, and yet it is absolutely her business. If OP can't be a dad to his already existing son 50% of the time, doesn't say much about his ability to be a fully present parent for any children they have together, no?
I'm convinced the gf is in the denial stage ("surely my bf is a decent person who will step up if I point out what he missed by absolute accident") and if bf pushes back she will eventually bail.
Lol you're right on with that. Hopefully she leaves the denial stage before actually having a kid with OP.
>two homes is not a home # Wow crazy that I'm learning at the age of 36 that I didn't grow up with a home. My parents were fully divorced by the time I was two and split custody about 50/50. I endured abuse as a kid, but not because of that. I had *two* homes. I could shit on my dad all day, but he DID want his kids, and he was present for us, and he did make sure we all had full rooms with fill sets of clothes and toys each. I went back and forth throughout the week and alternated weekends and it was fine. Like I'm sorry but I have a hard time seeing the issue. I hope my husband and I never divorce, but if we ever do, I assume we'd work some sort of 50/50 custody thing out.
I'm divorced, two boys 5 and 6. We're legally 50/50, however she moved 35 minutes away and to a much better school district than I happen to be in. We'd homeschooled the boys until this past September, and they were 50/50 between our houses until this school year began. We both started new jobs, hers is stay at home so she can be there for them when they get home from school, I cannot until after 5. So during the weekdays, they're at their moms. But I'm there every evening after work. I make the drive, even though some days I drive 4 hours (honestly makes the 35 minute drive each way seem like nothing) Taking them to the park, coaching tball, having dinner, bathing them, reading bedtime stories and putting them to bed. All At my ex's house, because we learned to coparent after the divorce and are decently friendly - definitely more-so than whilst married. And I still wish I somehow had more time with them. Even my parents, married 48 years now, tell me I need a "day or two to myself" during the week - which would be helpful to keep up on chores and such.. but I just want to see my kids everyday. And I thought maybe they'd understand since they got to see me every day but.. maybe they didn't want to? I dunno. Has me baffled. I just want to see my kids every day because I love them and we bring each other joy and I can guide them when they need guidance. (And maybe their mom isn't really there for them all that much even though she's "there," she's really just laying in her bed with her headphones on from the time she gets off work til bedtime soo yeah, I want to be there and be present for them. As much. As. I. Can. Yknow?) 🤷🏼♂️ I FaceTime them while they're getting ready for school and hopping on the bus. And I'm 100% with them every weekend. And typically mom is for at least a few hours a day on the weekends as well. So add up the hours and I'm actually with them more time than even mom who has them during the week. I dont know where this guy gets off thinking he's doing enough. But everyone is entitled to their opinions, and maybe his son feels it *is* enough. And if that's the case, well... says a lot. But I agree with whoever said the girlfriend is probably hoping to see a good dad actually come out, yet he's fumbling everything here. And it has me wondering.. why does he only have every other weekend visitation in the first place? I won't speculate, and I'll leave it at that.
I promise you, your kids are taking this in and, whether they fully understand now or not, they will understand eventually how much their dad has cared for them. My dad was a mixed bag of abusive and decent, but I always felt wanted by him. My parents lived within a half hour from one another, and due to multiple weird circumstances I ended up at a school basically I between their houses. My dad did make sure that I was able to go to that school by doing extra driving until I had a license. # I'm with you on wondering how EOW is enough. I know there can be extenuating circumstances, but as someone whose parents divorced around 1989/1990, where custody was split 50/50, I have a hard time with any gendered excuses. There are certainly situations like yours that are different, but the norm in the states, at least, is to default 50/50. (Dear incels and incel-adjacents, I don't need your response. You're not helping men with whatever BS you have to say.)
So it’s like the GF cares about his arrangement, she’s using his son as test for her own future.
If she is, it's inappropriate. it's inappropriate either way. Not her kid, not her decision. The child has a stable home and family situation and she wants to turn his life upside down.
FUCKING RIGHT???? My vag would dry up so quick
Yeah. I can see being resigned to less than 50/50 for some practical reason or something but to desire that is messed up. If you aren’t somehow upset that you’re resigned to the role of fun uncle there’s something wrong.
These comments are baffling. Yeah she can’t make you do anything but the kind of man and father you are okay with being is absolutely the “business” of someone wanting to build a life with you.
That's true, but it's also on her to communicate that. Also it's not like his barely-presence in his sons life is news to her. It seems unwise to try and change OP, if she thinks he's a half assed parent and wouldn't be a good dad to their kids, she should break up with him if that's important to her instead of trying to force him to be a more involved father to a kid that isn't hers.
I had the same arrangement with my father after a divorce that this kid has. He offered for me to live with him or do 50/50, but the idea of constantly lugging everything between houses and having to deal with everything differently, and equally, makes my skin crawl. I would of course say “yeah, we can do it” because I didn’t want to be unfair to my father, but every time the plans started happening it was clear that it wasn’t best for me. Every other weekend was better, for my father and for me. Not everyone is a deadbeat dad who finds themselves in a certain situation.
I was an every other weekend with my dad kid too. I tolerated having to bounce back and forth between the houses every couple of weeks because that was the way my life was but I would not have wanted to have to do it more often and certainly not during the week when I had school and stuff going on.
A man who is content to only see his child every other weekend is a deadbeat dad in my eyes. My guess is that's why your gf is getting involved. She doesn't want to believe you actually care that little about your own child. Why did you agree to this custody arrangement in the first place? You are not "parallel parenting"; your ex is parenting and you are the occasional babysitter. Ask you son what he wants to do, but he will more than likely want to keep things as they are because his parents have already clearly demonstrated who loves him enough to want to live with him (hint: it's not you). Men who happily let their ex partners raise their kids like this are revolting. You can go on and on about how much you love your son and are being a "good dad", but at the end of the day you are the one who CHOSE to only see him four days of every month. You don't seem particularly sad about it either.
Gf has no say in how your son is raised. However, I don't think she's being malicious here. She just sees that you spend 14% of your time with your child. Are you OK with spending that time with your child? Are you OK when he becomes a teenager and will then want to spend his weekends with his friends and not with you?
Are you doing the math correctly? Every other weekend is 4 days a month. Times 12 months is 48 days a year. 365 days divided by 48 days is (drumroll please) 7.604%. But I’ll round it up. So he’s an 8% parent. Not 14%.
Your math is bad. 48 divided by 365x100. You did it backwards. But come on. Give him credit. There are 52 weeks a year. Divide that by 2, for every other week. Multiply 2 days a week. That's 52 days a year. So 14%. Plus every other holiday. That's what 5 more days? 57 days a year, so 15.6%!
Why is she butting in on this at all? Not her place. This is between you and your son.
She's probably considering what a future life with him would look like, which is a pretty reasonable thing to do in an adult relationship. She wants to know if he would be a good father to their own children, and the fact that OP is perfectly happy seeing his son only 4-5 days a month is probably very distressing. She's getting involved because she wants to know if he's capable of stepping up to the plate.
She probably wants to build a relationship with the child. It could be for selfish reasons, or just her opinion.
Or, she thinks 50/50 means he won't have to pay child support since he has his son an equal amount of time. Or, she sees how close her bf and his son are and wants the bf to have more time with his boy. Whatever her motivation, it's not her decision ... her input can be taken into account, but the child's mom and dad decide what works best for them and their child. And you want to keep that relationship a congenial and cooperative one.
option four, she thinks OP's a 'deadbeat'/doesn't spend enough time with his kid and doesn't like the idea of being in a relationship/potentially having kids with a guy whose okay with only seeing his kid every other weekend. whatever it is, everyone here's right--it's none of her business
[удалено]
I think this is it.
This makes the most sense to me. Also I'm sorry your ex turned out to be a loser, and I'm sorry for his daughter.
Option five - she wants to turbo charge her relationship— insta family!
This was my first thought
AMEN.
I think you hit on it with the child support thing
Yeah, i'd say at this point you're pretty set in being an every-other-weekend parent. Your child has a whole life and family that you'd be messing up if you succeeded in getting 50/50. You don't even want to have him more often and it would be a really cruddy situation for him, having his life upended and bring taken away from people who want to spend every day with him and put in the house of someone who doesn't really want him there more often. Plus, if you've been an every-other-weekend parent for 8 years, you're not going to be a good every day parent. You haven't built up those skills and habits and your kid will suffer while you try to build them up. If he's doing well in the current arrangement, let him stay in it. Your girlfriend is probably realizing that you are ok being more of a spectator in your son's life than a parent, and that she finds that unappealing. She's trying to get you to change because she wants to believe you are a fully engaged parent instead of an every-other-weekend parent. I get why she would want that, but that's not you and if you mess up your son's life to try to be that type of parent, that's not really being a good parent because a good parent would do what's best for their child! So she might not really be a good fit long term.
This is the most sensible response. I have read so many moms who say their kid’s dad is only seeking more custody because of a new girlfriend. OP should definitely not attempt to upend his kid’s life when the sole motivator is an adult who barely knows his child and hasn’t been around for a majority of the child’s life. I even think kid might say yea I want more time with dad. Because dad isn’t involved in day to day discipline, he’s cooler and easier. But the reality is all the shifting has a strong potential to knock that kid off trajectory and into chaos. OP, if you weren’t motivated to change your relationship with your son before, you probably know your own capabilities would fall short of what your kid deserves in a home life. If he’s safe, stable and loved with mom - don’t disrupt his life unless you’re ready to actually show up, cooperate and parent day-to-day.
She’s trying to figure out if you’re capable of being a parent vs being a disney dad. She got her answer.
Sounds like you are making up excuses to not have more responsibilities with your son. You only see him every second weekend?? That's awful. Why did you even have a kid if you don't want to be equally involved? IMO, your girlfriend is going to think this is a huge red flag and leave you.
I would be grossed out by a “father” who only sees his child every other weekend. You say it’s in his best interest, but it seems more like you really like being a very part-time dad. Your son would likely love to spend more time with you. But it’s easiest for you to let his mother do almost all of the work of child rearing.
This is the comment I came here for. He doesn’t parent at all, he gets happy fun playtime twice a month and gets to call himself a dad about it. I don’t really care what the girlfriend wants but I’m not really surprised at all the “you’re a GOOD DAD” in the comments. Foot-in-the-door fathers get more praise than God because they graciously decided to not walk away entirely.
[удалено]
You don’t even have to fight for 50/50, in the US the default is 50/50. You have to actively REFUSE to be in your child’s life to have less than 50/5
Thank you! These comments are really surprising. I’d never date a man that didn’t have weekly custody of his child. It’s beyond me how he is comfortable with that arrangement. I hope his 11 year old son has a great stepdad.
Right? I would maybe consider it if the guy tried for equal custody and lost, or if he thought the child was genuinely better off being in one house most of the time. But if the guy wasn't EXTREMELY sad about the arrangement, I would be so grossed out. OP doesn't seem to be sad at all.
I'm in my 30s and I see my dad more often than this poor child.
My dad lives 4 hours away in a different state and I see him about twice a month. Which is the same as this guy.
Why not just ask your son ? No matter what your GF’s feelings are, it should be ultimately his decision about what would be best and most comfortable for him. Not you , not your GF or his mother. I was a child of divorced parents. How quickly decisions were made for the good of the children without consulting them. Your son’s opinion is really the only one that matters here. If he’s happy as is, then let it be. If not, adapt and change things .
what does ur son want? when my parents split up i saw my dad one evening a week and every other weekend, but stopped doing regular scheduled visits when i started having more extracurricular commitments on weekends and couldn’t be staying in another city every other week. it’s been more than 10 years now and i think i’ve got a closer relationship with my dad (and my mum!) than most 20-somethings, so i can tell you for sure it’s not strictly necessary to have a 50/50 split to have a good bond. see what ur kid wants, and if he’s genuinely good with what you’re doing right now, if it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Ew how embarrassing for you. I would dump you.
Honestly, it doesn't sound like you want "stability for your son." It sounds like ***you*** want to keep your 86%-childfree life. Which I get—but it's *also* why I do not have and will never have children. Once you made a person, you lost the right to legitimately make that choice. My parents' divorce was finalized when I was 5 years old, and they had 50/50 shared custody of my brother and me. In our case, rather than every other week, it was divided by day of the week, with some days alternating. (By the time I was probably 8 or so, my father had moved into a duplex about half a block from my mother, so it was extremely easy for us to go back and forth, or it's possible we might have changed to an alternating weeks arrangement.) The joint custody was never an issue, ever, and my brother and I knew that both our parents cared about us, to the extent that they both wanted the same amount of time with us and involvement in our lives, and that they wanted to make sure we would never be something for them to fight about. It was not disruptive. It did not cause "personality issues," any more than being raised by two parents in a single household causes them. If you were actually ***parenting*** your son now (instead of, effectively, having a sleepover party twice a month), you would already be an equally important influence on his life. "Truly dedicating" to him the time you spend on weekends (two per month! wow! amazing! a whole 1/7 of his life!) and showing up to his school events doesn't show you're a good dad. It's the *bare minimum* of what you should be doing with a child. And calling to "make sure he's behaving for his mother" is weird, condescending backseat driving of *her* parenting. Also, after three years, either your girlfriend is your partner or she's not. If she's your partner, she should also be a parent to your son, and you need to agree on how to raise him. If you can't, then you shouldn't be partners, and you should be clear that you're just friends who fuck sometimes, not people who are sharing a life. Like, it sounds like I am literally more of a "parent" to my "stepcat" than your girlfriend is allowed to be to your actual human son. **TL;DR: Either start acting like your son's actual parent or admit that you don't actually want to parent him. You should also start treating your girlfriend like your actual partner unless you want to admit you're not serious about that relationship, either.**
So you're basically a Disney dad?? Not havig to deal with the day to day rotuien of school etc. I've been split since my kid was 8. I basically took carenof her 99.9% of the time while married. But my ex was entitled to 50/50 and acne he was sober that's what he wanted. We have a 2/5 schedule and it works great. He's with her every Monday and Tuesday and with me every Wednesday and Thursday and then every other weekend. So one week I have her 5 days the next 2 days. I feel that this works better than 1 week on and 1 week off. She always know where she will be at Monday through Thursday. It also makes it easier for us with our work schedules. It woudl eb much harder to manage that if we had to change that every other week. My kid is 14 and happy as a clam. I hate her dad but we are civil and don't talk shit about each other. Your gf doesn't have any say in it of course but she isn't wrong. Why wouldn't you want your kid more? Just because it's always been like that doesn't mean it shouldn't change now that he's older. He probably would benefit form having more them with his dad. She concerned that you aren't showing enough interest and if you guys ever plan of havign kids it potbelly makes her wonder how involved you'd be in the day to day routine of raising a kid.
She is right to be wary of this and I respectfully disagree with your logic. He will need his father so much in these coming years. Does he have a stepdad?
He said yes in a reply
You’re right, I missed it in the post. I guess I was done reading his nonsense.
Hurting the mom and step family to please his girlfriend would not suddenly make him a better man. You can’t just act like those people don’t exist. They should be the first ones consulted, imo.
I agree with you but I think everyone is just pointing fingers at the girlfriend here. I’m saying she’s right to say her boyfriend should want more custody. It doesn’t set right with her and I agree with her.
This might be contrary to all the other comments, but I have been in your EXACT situation, and I can put my hand on my heart and swear to you that every other weekend is not enough. That’s what, 6 days a month? Your kid deserves more of you than that. I thought it was fine too, until someone set my head straight. If you get 50/50 your relationship with your kid will be on an entirely different level, and you both deserve it.
I’d ask your son what he wants to do and if he’s like to just try every other week if he is keen to spend more time with you. Check back in periodically with him to make sure he still wants 50/50. Remind him that it’s his choice and he can change his mind if he’s feeling like he doesn’t have a home base.
Maybe doing 90% by her self feels a little much considering he’s half your responsibility. You just want to be fun dad. Weekend dad. So you don’t have to be carpool dad or school work help dad. That all her responsibility because she’s an insert insult here!
It should be 50/50. You are just making all kinds of reasons to not have your child as much as you should.
Did the gf notice your son wants more time/is hinting at it? Or is she doing it for some vague justice “fairness” thing? Like others said it’s really your son’s call. If your son wanted it would you be happy to?
I can't imagine not being 50/50 with my kid - and neither would they handle only seeing me on weekends. That's just us.. if your son is happy and you havnt taken the step to go 50 50 then I wouldn't upset the system.
Why is your GF inserting herself into a situation that is working well for you, your wife and your son?
Honestly no shame but clearly you don’t want to coparent you just don’t want to not be part of his life. Your girlfriend probably likes your son and wants to spend more time with him. She also probably doesn’t want to believe you don’t want more time with him. You shouldn’t change your custody schedule because of a relationship…should only be related to your son and his mom
Brother-in-law’s son was 50-50 with alternating weeks, and at the time it seemed fine. Nephew is now approaching 50 and said it was horrible. He never felt like he had a home.
If it’s working, don’t upset it. You are in a sweet spot, age-wise. 11 year olds don’t hate you yet and they’re capable of stuff. Let me start with, I have 7 children. 5 years ago, I moved out and was legally separated. We did so because, frankly, we weren’t sure if we would stay apart, I am the one with the health insurance and the earned income for tax purposes. I have a lot of experience. Believe me when I say, you’re in a sweet spot and your time is limited. Once they hit middle school, they get weird and cranky and once they hit high school, they’re done with you. My 3 youngest daughters (now only 2) have alternated weekends that they come see me because they want one on one time with mom. It makes your time together more valuable. It doesn’t sound like you have too many problems with your child’s living arrangements or your ex. That is also a big plus. I have a question that might sting a bit. Are you currently paying child support? Because if you split time and custody, you don’t pay. That may be some of the unspoken impetus on your gf’s part. I pay an astronomical sum in child support, provide the insurance and still pay for half of all school activities and out of pocket medical expenses, namely braces. It’s not fair, but things are working for my kids and that is what matters. My 11 yo daughter’s teacher told me my daughter get excited when it’s her weekend. She talks about it and can’t wait. I am going to UNR in a couple weeks to pick up my oldest daughter and I have another son graduating high school this month. Your goal is to raise your children as best you can with as little trauma as possible. Don’t rock the boat
Sorry, but it sounds like you don’t really want to be involved with him. Calling to tell him what to do is not being a father. You should be fighting to see him and do things with him. I had the same relationship with my dad growing up and he will not respect you or care about you when you are old.
Seeing your kid every other week is “stability”? You’re doing more damage barely seeing him and parenting over the phone than him having to go back and forth between two houses will ever do.
You are an absentee father … selfish
Don't disrupt your son's life for her petty wishes. She isn't on your side,she's on her own side.
He’s on His own side and doesn’t give much of a shit about his child. It’s so gross. But so accepted- many dads are content to let the mom do the real parenting and be friendly strangers to their kids
I had two homes with alternating weeks when I was that age. It was a logistical challenge, but I still went to the same school and had the same friends. Forty years later I have a strong relationship with my dad and I have a great role model to follow to raise my sons. I bet this would not be the case if I didn’t split time. Although no one had to convince him to take me and he didn’t have to go to court to get my mom to agree to that, so other circumstances may apply here. But it’s really not a big deal as long as you live in the same town. Showing your son how to live is a major part of being a father. If you’re not interested, then it’s probably for the better.
As someone who lived a week on week off thing... It was very destabilising. I was younger than your son and did not really notice at the time (we did a 2 or 3 week cycle actually) but moving that often really had me living out of boxes and it is something I find hard (in my 40's!) to avoid even though I live in my own house for over a decade now. If you can set it up so the kid stays in one house and the parents do the moving then that would be better (but probably feels laughable... that is how it would be for the kid!) There is the advantage that I knew my parents both better than if I had only had weekends at one (and as the kid gets older that can also feel like a burden... they have hard week at school and want to goof and chill with friends, but have to have 'quality time' with a "needy" parent) As others have said talk to child and try and work out what they want, and good luck!
Perhaps your GF is concerned that you’re not fully committed as a father. (I’m not saying you are, you seem like this is well thought out and you are genuinely concerned for what’s best for your child) maybe she feels that if she were to have children with you, and you two were to split, she’d be left holding the parenting ‘bag’. I’d recommend some deep conversations about what the root of the issue is. Get a couples counsellor if necessary.
Child of divorce here. Your concerns are valid. I did both the things you're describing and the week on, week off sucked for me personally but obviously everyone is different. Took me a second to realize that GF is a 3rd party, not your exGF. While her intentions are altruistic (hopefully), she doesn't really get a say about it. IMO, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. At the very most, talk to your son and ask him what he wants.
I have known parents to have homes in the same neighborhoods so that their kids could go back and forth at will. It’s rare, but I do know of some parents who did this on purpose. And they made it work and the kids liked that they could see either parent when they wanted. When I left my first husband, our son was 15 and I allowed him to be with his father as much as he wanted. My lawyer didn’t like that, but I felt it best to allow our son to know where he wanted to be. Right wrong indifferent , doesn’t matter, it is what I wanted at the time. He would spend most holidays with his dad and I was ok with that. I even told him he could live with his dad but he chose not to. I do feel that kids can be asked if they want more time with a parent. I think kids can have an input , but up to a point.
He is 11 . I think you can. Ask for his opinion.
Thinking of your child’s needs first & prioritizing him & the stability of his living situation does not make one a shitty parent. My guess is your GF is starting to see you as a potential mate and is organizing a family life in her head around you that includes your son. It’s not a bad thing, but maybe time to talk about where that relationship is heading. Do you see having a family with her?
This is none of your GFs business. He's not HER kid. This is between your son and his mom. Grow a spine, OP.
Split housing 50/50 has been shown to be one of the least effective methods for building a child’s sense of stability, safety, expectations, and regulation. Adjusting to a different set of rules and expectations every other week is an incredible burden to ask of a child.
if it’s working and you and mom are happy, leave it be! she needs to stay out of it!
I would say respectfully to not encourage your girlfriend to be involved. This is between you, your ex, and your child. It's hard enough to navigate that number of people's needs. If something happens between your gf and you and you don't work out, you're still left with the ramifications of her inserting herself. Not to say that her feelings shouldn't be heard but she should respect who this is really about - your child.
If you and your son and his mom are all happy with the current arrangement, why is your gf putting her nose in it? Honestly, none of her business. If you take your ex to court or ask your son to make that decision, you’ll make problems where there are none, possibly tainting your relationship with your son and sabotaging what seems to be a respectful and amicable relationship with your ex.
At the end of the day it’s what you’re son wants and you know best what is best for your child, you girlfriend has only been involved for three years.
If your son wants more, do more. 4 days a month with my dad would make me sad.
Only question, what does your son want?
You are 100 % correct. Do not go to court if you don’t have to . I think the way you think makes you an outstanding parent and father. You are smart. Your ex is lucky to have you put your son first and do what’s best for him. Your girlfriend doesn’t get it because she loves you and it is not her biological child . She will prob be great step parent too. She obviously cares and it is sweet of her to want you to have what naturally should be yours and want to help fix it for you. But fixing it for you will not necessarily fix it for him . As the parent it’s a price you pay out of love . It is your child you can’t cut the child in half you love the child enough to let them go before watch them some one split them in half. why try to fix what is not broken kids need consistency and routine to thrive and be happy. I think you are so cool to reach out and double check your self and her to put your child first. I had an ex that took me to court every time he could again and again and my daughter suffered so much Physically and mentally it took such a tole on our whole family . It hurt every person in our home in some way and she would tell him please don’t, I like the way things are but he was too selfish. He loved court and he loved the fight. .The stress of it all was horrible.
Maybe not the right point to raise: but… why is a gf, who is not a long time partner/wife telling you what to do? I understand if it came from you, but I don’t get why she should be the one telling you? Sounds more like a personal issue. I would talk to her and see what’s actually going on under the surface. You’ve only been together for 3 years, she’s 27 and wants to be a step-mom to someone’s son and she’s not married to the dad? In our modern day, 27 is way too young. I would dig deeper.
You are right, she is wrong. Do what is best for your son.
You're not wrong. I grew up being shuffled back and forth between two homes, and it was like whiplash every week. If the current arrangement works for everyone, no need to disrupt everyone's life with an attempt to change it. That could turn into an ugly and costly custody battle, and again, as a former kid who went through that, it's not fun and it's traumatic. It might be different if you and your son wanted a new arrangement, but it's not your girlfriend's place to dictate, and frankly it's a red flag that she's trying to control this situation.
Ah, the new stepmother crusade. Lots of women fall into this trap. They're going to crusade to get their man more parenting time because it's just so unfair! And they're going to be super stepmom and show that kid's mother what REAL parenting looks like!! \*EYE ROLL\* It's super great of you to realize that the status quo is what's right for everyone. Lots of men just go along with this 50/50 business, and then the super stepmom finds herself doing all the heavy lifting on dad's time because dad never wanted more in the first place. You stick to your gunes. You know what's best for your kid and for your your relationship with him. Just tell gf no, and if she doesn't like that, she's welcome to move along to a family structure that works for her.
My parents split custody, lived in the same town 3 blocks from eachother. I still hated having two homes. Your favorite shirt? Oh it's at the other house. Your n64? other house. Going and having a good weekend with someone every 2 weeks would be great, little break from mom, 5 star weekend with dad, but ultimately you know there's one place to go back to. If you can online game with your son or something so you can hang out more often that could be worth something maybe. Who knows, it's for you, your wife, and your son to decide.
“My gf feels” - I don’t care, full stop. She’s not his parent and you are giving her way too much power, when you should be telling her to stay in her lane. This isn’t her issue and I’m so GD tired of seeing the “new gf” completely try to disrupt what is working because HER needs aren’t being met. This has little to do with what is in your son’s best interest. She wants to play house. She wants to insert herself and you’re letting her.
You have well thought out reasons. Do that. Your girlfriend has an opinion and spoke it. That's fine. Anything more is an attempt to control you and a situation that is not hers to control. This is your decision. I don't think it should be left to your son either because children are not yet good at well thought out reasoning.
This is simple no? Your girlfriend doesn’t get a vote. Next time it comes up swat her out of the gym…
This child has been doing this since he was 3 . There’s no reason at all to completely turn his and your life upside down because a GF says so. If your son had been asking you to change the visitstion - well, that’s totally different . Leave the boy alone and keep doing what you are doing .
If it ain't broke, don't fix it. (Custody) on the other hand, GF is red flagging for control of something not in her lane. Run, man, run.
If your son has made no mention, why are you even entertaining this? Simply tell your girlfriend until such time your son, his mother, and you feel there needs to be a change, nothing will. Girlfriends (no matter how long you've been together) don't get wife rights. Just saying....
As a lawyer whose done divorce cases and after being in a custody case myself, please tell your girlfriend to fuck off! The kid is happy. You are happy. Ex is happy. There is calm and balance in the parenting universe. So many BF's and GF's fuck this up and start a custody issue that makes everyone miserable, hateful, resentful, and significantly poorer.
Sounds like that should be something between your kid, his mom, and you. Your gf should get zero input there.
My former husband had a gf who waaaay overstepped the boundaries about visitation. I called her husband and that was the end of that.
It’s none of her business. Do what you (and the child’s mother) think is best.
If you are happy, his mother is happy, and Kiddo is happy, then things are fine. You're not a shitty dad. I agree that 50/50 is very hard on kids and that custody is often not fair to the parent who gets less time. But this has been working for you for years. Your girlfriend doesn't get any say on this (and I was a stepparent). Custody is a matter for the parents, not a girlfriend or a stepparent. She's out of her lane. This is not her business.
Not so sound mean but your girlfriend shouldn't have a say on this. She has NOTHING to do with your son i mean if your look at it from her Pov she may be thinking it's the best for both of you or something i don't think shes trying to be mean and worm her way into your sons' life but. If that current arrangement works why change it? Plus, your son is 11 now realistically that's what 7 years before he is 18 and can decide on his own?
speaking as the exwife in a very similar situation. My ex was very happy with our situation and most important the kids were. The "girlfriend" felt like I was getting way more out of our agreement than he and that I had taken him to the cleaners. note: I do not get or pay child support. We just called it even between the two of us. It eventually turned ugly with her treating me awful and she soon became the exgirlfriend. Shes going to ruin your relationship/
Minus gf's verbal input into this young boy's life and family unit, she's simply a random interloper. With possibly an ulterior motive. If this question ever comes up it should be introduced and discussed among the mother, father, and son. Gf is not even party to these three. She's dad's girlfriend. Nothing to the 3 nuclear family members. I agree with the "stay in her lane" commenter! She's stirring a pot she's got no business stirring.
As a mother that is parallel parenting with my ex and we are both in relationships with other people, why in the hell do you allow your girlfriend to interfere with You and your child’s relationship? That is exactly what she is doing. Inserting her opinion. Making you feel as if you are doing something wrong. Telling you what she thinks is best for him?!…. Is your son being mistreated? Is your son in any kind of harm? Does he beg to not go home? Is he happy? Heathy?safe? Is his home life good? Does she (girlfriend) have any other justifications other than “you don’t get enough time”? Or is this about money? Or maybe this is odd to her that everyone’s okay and this just his normal life….? This is what he knows, this is what he is comfortable with, this agreement is what makes everyone happy? You say you two are extremely close. Great why put your child through hell for what? Him to sleep at your house a couple more nights a week? Why in the world would you upheave a child’s life and all he has ever known because your girlfriend “thinks” it’s best.? She (from what I assume) has no children, she may be wanting to “play parent”. The ONLY people who should have an opinion/say in YOUR child’s life is you and his mother. Period. THIS is how children are torn between parents. This is how the fighting starts. This is how it starts going downhill REALLY quick. The reason I know this is because I have lived it. It took years! YEARS! Three judges and THOUSANDS of dollars to get my ex husband to understand that his new wife was NOT the parent and never will have any authority or decision making over our children. That cause so much damage to my children and she is now in total control of their father that he doesn’t even see them anymore. He calls every few weeks. When my kids ask to go over he says “I don’t want to be here, why would you?” If you, your child, and the child’s mother are happy(and the child is safe) with your arrangement then your girlfriend needs to back off. She can have an opinion, but just like assholes, everyone has one. If you don’t nip this in the butt right now, she will take over and it will no longer involve you. It will be her and your ex making the decisions on your son. Please don’t ruin your relationship with your son for what your girlfriend thinks is “best”.
At this stage and factoring in his age, this would be a sit-down convo between you, him, and mom. What does he want? Does he want to see you more? Does mom actually like the current setup or is she feeling overwhelmed and just hasn’t told you? I would discuss these things fully before going the court route and making things possibly hurtful. Maybe your GF means well, but honestly she has no jurisdiction over this. Your son is NOT her child. She has no say. Best of luck to you.
I'm a little baffled by all the "You're a terrible dad, you should take him more" responses. Changing the custody arrangement will not magically make this guy have what it takes to make 50/50 a good experience for the son.
You are a parent. Your ex is a parent. Your girlfriend is just a side character. Her opinion really should not matter in the raising of your son. NO that does not make you a shitty dad. Stability is very important for a child! You have to do what's best for the child, even if you'd like it to be another way. By thinking about what is best for your son, you're being a good dad. <3
I can't imagine dating a single parent and telling them to take their ex to court to alter a parenting agreement, especially if that agreement is already working and satisfactory to everyone involved, most importantly the child. Your girlfriend is wild.
My father was part time With me but I never felt it was any kind of problem. We were close throughout his life.
The fact that she’s chiming in let’s you know she’s going to ALWAYS have opinions of stuff like this. For some, that’s fine, for others, it may be a lot of future conflict. Personally, I’d prefer someone who lets the parents parent, unless there’s a child in danger.
If you and his mother are in sync, and your son is well adjusted and doing well at home and in school, then it doesn’t matter what the gf thinks. If your son should ask you to spend more time, however, you should definitely reopen that as a discussion with his mother.
Damn. She should find something else to do with her time. No. If it isn’t broken you don’t go break it just because someone wants you to break it. Good for you not acquiescing to her idea of what protection for your son actually is.
I don’t think anything needs to change with custody but I do wonder who the GF thinks she is, it’s not her business & it is working fine.
Why don't you tell your gf to shut the fuck up and mind her business?
I feel girlfriends and boyfriends of whatever length of time need to butt out of what the parents are doing. Unless there's a deadbeat parent then maybe point out the red flags. Otherwise, your gf needs to mind herself and stay out of 'family' business. When she has a kid she can do all the parenting she wants. Your son has been in a stable routine as you said, and you would ABSOLUTELY be the AH for allowing the gf to butt in to what isnt her family or business.
This is a family discussion not a gf demand. She isn’t even his stepmother! If your son wants more time w you make something happen. Like dinner one night a week. But 50/50 is a huge change. Great when it works but super hard when it doesn’t.
It sounds like you strongly consider your son’s best interests above all others. You’re a good dad. Keep doing what works for you and your son and your ex. Coparenting can look like a lot of different things. No one arrangement is right for all. I think you’ve got something going that really works for you and for your child and for the coparent l. I think this a time for her to step back and just embrace the existing situation. Question is- can she accept your wisdom here and let it go? It’s one thing to say, hey, I think you should not be afraid to advocate for more time. But if she keeps badgering you or uses language that implies lack of care to your carefully thought out decision – that says a lot about her level of respect for you…
He's literally not a good dad. He's barely a father at all.
GF needs to stay in her lane. Does she want to get into it with your ex?
I'm a sample size of one, but your current arrangement is what I had as a kid. It worked out well all around. I was and am very close to my father. I grew up fairly oblivious to the hours he worked and the amount of business travel he did, because when it was his and my weekend together, we were just together. Having a single home with my mom and eventually stepfather really mattered for stability. School morning routines were identical. Friends knew where to find me. I had a bedroom that was my space, not two bedrooms in different towns where one felt lesser. So you're right, it's not necessary. Do what my parents did and focus solely on the best interests of your son.
I had this arrangement too, and while I also think it was probably good for stability, I’m not close to my dad at all as an adult. Kids can tell if this type of thing is done for their best interests or because dad doesn’t really want to dad.
This exactly. I too grew up with this arrangement and me and my dad were extremely close and as I got older (adulthood) we spent a lot more time together. But switching back and forth like that is super hard on kids and eventually builds a weird resentment for one parent for how things are done being different at the other parents home.