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I would suggest asking the therapist if there's anything you can do to help your daughter, maybe paying for a session to get some techniques down or maybe the therapist will email you some stuff. That's how you will best be able to help your daughter! The other way you will help is by checking in on your daughter occasionally "is therapt okay?" and just being a good mom and giving her space.
My child of the same age is in therapy for the same reason. I would say that, without further information, this is normal and the sign of a good therapist. Your child is the therapist's client--not you--and your child is entitled to all the rights of privacy and confidentiality that an adult client would have. I never sit in on their sessions and don't want to, and I also invite them to share with me anything they would like to from session but don't ask or pry. That is their time and their space. There are exceptions, of course, if your child is at imminent risk of harm.
Separately, I do have a "parent session" alone with the therapist about every 2 months or so. I don't learn what they're talking about or anything specific to my child's sessions. I do, however, have the chance to share what's going on at home, learn skills or techniques I can practice with my child, ask questions about parenting or interactions, and discuss treatment goals. Could you ask about having intermittent parent sessions where you can learn how to better support your child and supplement what is happening in therapy? In these sessions, the focus should be on you and how you can help, and less on what your daughter is talking about.
The only reason that your daughter's therapist has to involve you is if your daughter is hurting herself or suicidal or wants to hurt someone else. Have you considered they might not be including you because your daughter doesn't want you involved? That was the situation when I was a kid. I in no way wanted my parents involved or to know what I talked about in therapy.
> The only reason that your daughter's therapist has to involve you is if your daughter is hurting herself or suicidal or wants to hurt someone else.
I'm more interested in the opposite of this. Is the therapist allowed to involve me more if I request it and my daughter is okay with it? The therapist is telling me I can't be involved, but I don't know if that's a law, a best practice, a company thing, or just her personal rule.
> Have you considered they might not be including you because your daughter doesn't want you involved? That was the situation when I was a kid. I in no way wanted my parents involved or to know what I talked about in therapy.
I don't think that's very likely. My daughter is a pretty open and honest kid. She's never been hesitant or didn't want to tell me what happened at therapy and she knows I'd respect her answer if she said she didn't want to tell me something.
It's actually pretty hard to know if a nine-year-old is "okay with it". Maybe they are, or maybe they feel like they can't say no. No matter how good, open, and honest your relationship is, the parent is always in a position of power, and kids are expected to defer to a parent's wishes/direction (how many times have you asked your daughter to do something, and did not actually expect or want her to do it? Probably not many). Your daughter may well feel she cannot say no to Dad. (How many *adults* still feel like they can't tell their parents no?) Also, you never know when something will come up in therapy that maybe she isn't quite ready to share with parents yet. Maybe she's just embarrassed--they're getting to that age :) Having you there is unlikely to facilitate the true openness and vulnerability between therapist and client that is necessary for effective therapy. Let her have her space, and see if there is another way to communicate with the therapist so that you can feel involved in helping your daughter while also protecting her confidentiality and trust in her therapist.
Honestly I don’t involve parents unless the child asks for that involvement (I don’t work with toddlers and most of my child clients have been 8+).
Most parents assume their kids want that. It’s very interesting to see how differently the parents and the child feel about their relationship. Most often children don’t want to involve their parents cause they want to share everything that isn’t okay or may get a reaction out of parents (eg: things that happen in school etc) that they wouldn’t want to deal with.
Your child can communicate whatever she’s comfy with you. But you also can ask for individual sessions for yourself.
This may not fit you but most of the parents that push back are also anxious parents that engage in controlling behaviours because of that anxiety and that’s also exactly why we have firmer boundaries in the therapy space. I’ve had clients who love working with me but have had to change therapists because their parents didn’t like the policy of non disclosure unless harm AND I’ve also worked with adult clients who hated their therapist cause of the lack of boundaries around communication with their parents. And now in therapy we work much longer to just establish trust.
I spoke with my daughter more about it last night. She told me she'd rather not have me in the sessions with her, which I'm fine with. But she did say she doesn't always remember the techniques she's learning and when to use them so I'm going to ask her therapist to share a summary or info about the things she's learning with me so I can help reinforce them at home.
You could ask her what is and isn’t working for her with therapy. What isn’t working can also be asked by asking why might be an ideal therapy situation for her and if it’s different from what she’s experiencing.
It is great that you want to support your daughter in her therapy! I was lucky to have supportive parents when I was in therapy for anxiety ages 10-14.
What made therapy really beneficial for me was that it was something separate from school, separate from my parents— and while some parts of therapy are concrete skill-building, learning how to cope and self-regulate independently is different from practicing techniques. You don’t want that self-work to feel like homework, or something she’s doing for anyone or any reason but herself. And, especially for those of us with particularly supportive and involved parents, learning how to handle emotions and situations without active parental support is an important part of managing—and ideally overcoming—anxiety.
I would gently suggest that you not become involved in your daughter’s coping practices or therapy techniques except in instances when she asks for your support directly. If she comes to you, for example, and says that she’s feeling really anxious or upset, it might be appropriate to ask if there is anything she’s learned in therapy that might help. It can also be helpful when you give advice that is different than what she would hear from her therapist! Like suggesting that the two of you go for a walk, that she listens to her favorite music, or playing a game. This can help demonstrate different social support/ other ways of coping than just what she is learning in therapy, and helps her keep that space as something separate, just her own, while she learns to navigate her inner world.
My mom and I had our fair share of struggles balancing support and independence when I was young— she was an amazing parent, but at that age my need for space led me to push her away and, in some cases, act out in indirect ways. We truly became best friends once I learned how to act both independently and together, but it took until my later teen years for that to become more comfortable. She passed away this year and I will miss her completely and forever. I’m so grateful that she helped me get support when I needed it, and that we learned how to give each other just the right amount of space to enjoy our relationship to the absolute fullest.
Privacy and confidentiality. There are laws and legislations in every state/country and regulatory bodies who help to enforce this and to protect our human rights. Your daughter and her therapist are protected by this law. No one is trying to create a barrier to your daughters treatment, its just a mandatory boundary.
It's technically a legal thing for her not to involve you, but is more likely her personal preference that she doesn't have to. Legally she could involve you if your daughter is okay with it.
Involving you will likely damage the therapy. The child needs to know that therapy is her space, and that she's free to talk about whatever might be bothering her without you knowing. If she knows you will be involved, this might lead to her censoring herself on your behalf - children often want to protect their parents (and themselves) in that way. The best support you can give here is to encourage the privacy of her relationship with her therapist, and make it clear that your daughter's privacy will be upheld and that you're glad she has someone to talk to about whatever she needs to talk about. Book your own session to learn about techniques.
I was a really open and honest kid but I've recently (as a 32 year old) off handedly mentioned my anxiety symptoms from my childhood to my parents and I realized they really had no idea how bad it was. They had me in therapy and I'm surprised that I didn't talk to them more about it at the time, but, clearly I couldn't express it right. I have/had a great relationship with them and I certainly would have THOUGHT I'd be the type to share everything. I think I didn't share because I wasn't aware of how not-normal it all was. Sometimes it's just not how it goes.
The good news, OP, if it gives you any hope -- I'm an not anywhere near as anxious now as I was when I was a kid. There's hope.
There's definitely some merit to getting parents involved in skills training, if nothing else. In fact, certain by-the-book modalities it's best practice to have the parent come in on occasion and for child to relay the skills learned to the parent. That way kiddo is solidifying their understanding of the skill while also building up self esteem and communication. When I learned TF-CBT, for example, we were taught to have the child be the one to teach psychoed concepts to the parents.
Sounds like you're an understanding parent :) totally reasonable to request bringing in family.
Also, for what its worth, even kids who have very secure relationships with their parents sometimes have asked me not to share anything with their parents. Sometimes (not saying this is necessarily the case for you) when there's a reputation for being the "good kid", there's a lot of self inflicted pressure to not let the parents see that they're struggling.
> Also, for what its worth, even kids who have very secure relationships with their parents sometimes have asked me not to share anything with their parents. Sometimes (not saying this is necessarily the case for you) when there's a reputation for being the "good kid", there's a lot of self inflicted pressure to not let the parents see that they're struggling.
I totally understand if there are things my daughter wants to keep private. I don't want to invade her privacy. I just want to find a happy medium where I'm more informed and can help support her better while still leaving room for that privacy.
If your daughter has asked the therapist to share nothing, that is the happy medium. You can definitely ask her therapist for a parent session for you to learn skills to practice with your child at home. But my parents would have sworn up and down that I’d be fine with them knowing some or all of what I told my therapist, because they believed that’s what I’d want, when in fact I asked the therapist for the exact opposite.
What the therapist is doing is considered best practice. Yes, you are more involved because your child is a minor but in general we try to approach privacy and confidentiality with children the same way we do with adults. Only what you NEED to know. For therapy to work, your daughter has to build trust and have a relationship with therapist outside of you. Being very clear about that is a way for the therapist to earn her trust. Kids are more likely to people please or comply or hold things back because you are the authority figure. She’s much more likely to engage in an honest way without you - even if you do have a good relationship.
Example - my spouse really is my best friend. I trust him more than anything and I’m VERY open with him. Do I share with him a lot of the stuff I talk about in therapy? Definitely not. Them not involving you has nothing to do with you as a person or parent and everything to do with treating your child with as much autonomy she can and giving her her own space to do some work.
All that being said, you could ask to chat with the therapist. Don’t ask what they’re doing. Don’t ask what they talk about. Don’t fish for information. That undermines the space your daughter has. What you CAN do is say, I know she’s working with you on managing this, but how can I as a parent support her? Are there tools I can use with her? Skills I can teach her? Focus on what YOU can do at home and not on what she’s doing in therapy.
I know it feels uncomfortable to be out of the loop, but this really is best practice and not a reflection of what the therapist thinks of you as a parent or an attempt to isolate them from you or something.
Just to add another dimension.. it could be that the therapist is working with your daughter towards your daughter being able to communicate her needs. Say the anxiety is coming from feeling no control, well then a step towards control is being able to decide when and how to discuss what helps when feeling anxious. That conversation happens across ages
You can ask about different support strategies. Thats something that can be broad to all children and therapist can suggest some for you to try with daughter. Fidgets are a great example. You can experiment and see what helps.
hey! i am a child therapist and i definitely see your frustration! it can be difficult to feel heard and like you have a part in the child’s healing/growth if you perceive that you aren’t being communicated with effectively. while trust is important for any therapeutic relationship, it’s even more so important for kids. they want to know that they have a safe space to talk to someone, whom they build trust with, and that the things that they say are not going to be told to anyone. of course, we have our limits to confidentiality that include mandated reporting, and harm to oneself/others. every therapist is different in how they handle the rest. that should all be discussed in the first session so you and your child know what to expect.
its not always as black-and-white as it may seem. personally, if i think there is something that should be shared that is outside of the limits of confidentiality, then i encourage the child to share it themselves. of course, they dont always feel comfortable or know how to verbalize it, so thats when i would offer to help them do it. if they say that they feel comfortable to share themselves, then they can share in a session or outside of therapy but trust is important on both sides of the relationship, so i should be able to trust that they WILL TRY to share themselves if not done in session. if they don't, then there is some problem-solving that we need to learn and addressing potential anxieties around sharing.
when learning coping skills, particularly for anxiety, MOST people (not just kids) need to be reminded to use them. its literally about building a habit. you need to be reminded and practice coping skills when you are emotionally regulated. the more of a habit it becomes, the more likely you are to remember, unprompted, to use them when dysregulated.
this can be an important time to involve a parent if the child feels comfortable with it. and again, if thats something i want to share, i ask permission. the laws are different for kids under 14; the therapist CAN share info without permission, but isnt REQUIRED TO. unfortunately, sometimes sharing information outside of the limits to confidentiality can be very damaging. all it can take is literally one disclosure that the child didnt feel comfortable with for them to lose trust and you cannot have effective therapy without trust.
OK, thanks for the information. I think that helps me direct the conversation with the therapist a little more clearly. My daughter also told me that she frequently has trouble remember the coping skills or using them when she's feeling stressed, so I think that's the main thing I want to focus on, finding a way the therapist can share more info about the coping skills she's learning so mom and I can help reinforce them at home. Daughter was also clear that she'd rather we not be in the sessions themselves so I'm glad she felt comfortable telling me that.
Heya … this is off topic and more just a curiosity/academic question coming from a different paediatric sector and country as I work in emergency care so am curious how it works in your practice/country…
You mentioned theres no legal obligation to privacy under 14yrs old, does your state and practice discipline have laws around Gillick competency?
Eg in Australia we can allow a child of reasonable age (theres no actual defined minimum age so most states its somewhere around middle school age or 10-12ish) to undergo a *Gillick competency assessment* to be able to deem mature enough to understand benefit vs risk of receiving general medical care (eg GP appts, vaccinations, dental work, mental health assessments) without the permission, presence or disclosure to their parents.
Especially in the instance of mental health, we have many a times had parents request to know why their 12-13yr old is being seen and I am legally not allowed to say a word unless they are an imminent threat to themselves or others.
As both a paediatric clinician and a mother, I 1000% support Gillicks Law (we inherited it from the UK) as it did MASSIVE landmark improvements for teenagers getting unrestricted access to reproductive advice/healthcare and mental health without fear of punishment etc but Im always curious how other countries and other disciplines navigate it.
Hello, I’m a therapist and I can confirm this is normal. However usually the first session involves the parents to give the child comfort and to discuss what the concerns are. The therapeutic relationship is between the therapist and the child. You can always request for the treatment plan and progress notes but just know therapist will not include anything that will be potentially harmful to the child. Also, if you have a concern, just talk to the therapist or ask if you and the child can have a joint session to better understand what is going on or to just do a check in to see how you can be supportive. Also if your child is happy with therapist & opening up to them? Then that is a great thing!
How do you approach the issue of her being in the classroom all day with a teacher and youre not there to know what shes being taught and what homework she should be doing? …. Very similar approach really except the therapist wont spill the beans unless shes a danger to herself.
Its totally age appropriate for a school-aged child to have privacy from their parents in a therapy session.
Im not for a minute saying you are, but how would your daughter be able to speak freely about her relationship with you if it was one of her main stressors but you were in the room? Most children wouldnt.
Similarly alot of children also wont talk freely and openly in front of their parents about their friends if they think its something controversial eg skipping school or drinking etc because they dont want to get their friend in trouble and their parent may narc.
Just remember that therapists are trained professionals, and fully vetted to work with children.
You can however book a session for yourself to discuss your own concerns and anxieties around parenting a child with anxiety and how best support her and they can guide/support you that way??
Can you ask the therapist to meet with you for a parent consult? They won’t talk about what is discussed in session but if it’s skills you’re after, they may be able to provide.
Alternatively, seek out your own therapy to help you navigate this. Your own therapist could certainly help you process your feelings around your daughter’s mental health and provide insight and supportive skills.
> Can you ask the therapist to meet with you for a parent consult? They won’t talk about what is discussed in session but if it’s skills you’re after, they may be able to provide.
This is going to be my next step but I wanted to get an idea of what's normal first before I request to be more involved.
>Alternatively, seek out your own therapy to help you navigate this. Your own therapist could certainly help you process your feelings around your daughter’s mental health and provide insight and supportive skills.
I don't really see how this would be helpful. My issues aren't with my own feelings about the situation, they're about how I support my daughter despite not being involved or informed about her treatment.
Generally when a child is dealing with anxiety, it is helpful for parents to get therapy too. Learning ways to manage your feelings that may be triggered by her anxiety helps. We can't help a child regulate until we regulate ourselves.
Her therapist is right to keep things they talk about private. Having a safe person to talk without worrying about what will be repeated is an important part of therapy. A good therapist will work with you on how to support her while maintaining her privacy. And a good therapist will know when things need to be shared with parents. Maybe ask her therapist what types of things she will and will not share.
I agree, therapy would be helpful for you. You’re looking to understand how you can best support your daughter, a therapist can help you navigate this and can give you the tools to be the best parent possible. I read your post history and your sadness/feelings of failure related to your daughter going to therapy could definitely be addressed by a therapist as well.
Your daughters therapist does not have to involve you if your daughter doesn’t want you involved. A lot of my young clients do not want their parents involved. Also, contacting the therapist and asking if you could have a “check-in” session isn’t out of bounds, as long as your daughter is okay with it. During this session, you can ask about how you can support her at home. Maybe they can reach an agreement with you in which they create a sheet every so often explaining the current coping skills and when to use them.
> I agree, therapy would be helpful for you. You’re looking to understand how you can best support your daughter, a therapist can help you navigate this and can give you the tools to be the best parent possible. I read your post history and your sadness/feelings of failure related to your daughter going to therapy could definitely be addressed by a therapist as well.
Again, not really looking for therapy for myself. I'm doing fine. Just looking for how I can be better informed about my daughter's treatment.
>Your daughters therapist does not have to involve you if your daughter doesn’t want you involved. A lot of my young clients do not want their parents involved. Also, contacting the therapist and asking if you could have a “check-in” session isn’t out of bounds, as long as your daughter is okay with it. During this session, you can ask about how you can support her at home. Maybe they can reach an agreement with you in which they create a sheet every so often explaining the current coping skills and when to use them.
My daughter's not the one who doesn't want me involved. But I'm not really insisting that I be in the sessions themselves, just that I be better informed about treatment and skills that she's learning so I can help support her when she's struggling with them. The check-in session or some other way of communicating outside of sessions are good ideas, I'll bring those up with the therapist.
Getting therapy doesn't necessarily mean you're super depressed or a mess mentally. If you tried therapy yourself, you'd probably better understand why the therapist keeping your daughter's sessions confidential is not only normal, but important and ethical. Therapy is a space where you can process emotions, work on coping tools, and gain insight on your own reactivity (which we all have) from a trained professional who is likely able to notice things you won't yourself.
Having access to your own therapist would also mean that you'd be better positioned to support your daughter in a way that isn't just driven from your own emotional reactivity or sense of helplessness against her struggles, because you have your own space to process your feelings.
Pushing back so definitively against therapy suggests, to me, that you don't really have a lot of awareness of what therapy is about/for. Even if you just went for a bit, it could help you to understand what your daughter is experiencing a bit better. And how do you think it might make your daughter feel if she is in therapy but her parent would never go themselves because they "don't need it"? That can easily come across as reinforcing the stigma against therapy. It can be helpful to kids to see their parents modeling healthy behaviour and accessing help themselves!
Yea! There are lots of different ways that I communicate with my clients parents. I prefer to have my clients update their parents on their own because it allows them to practice communicating w their parents which is often a struggle.
Usually, I will say something like “do you think it would be helpful if Mom/Dad knew about the coping skills we’ve learned so they can suggest one if they see you struggling?” A lot of the time they say yes. Then I’ll ask if they’re comfortable bringing it up this week and reporting back to me next session regarding how it went. Sometimes they come back and say they forgot, that’s when we make a coping skills reference sheet for them to bring home and show mom/dad.
Could you ask your daughter to see if she and her therapist can write down the coping skills they have practiced? This would even be really helpful for her to have since you mentioned she struggles to know when/how to use the skills.
The therapy you partake in can be focused on you navigating your feelings toward your daughter, and possibly arriving at new insight into her anxiety in relation to your behaviour - not to say you are to blame for her anxiety, but that anxiety in children usually arises from a complex system that more often than not includes the parent's behaviour. Getting therapy would not be about you not doing "fine," but about you getting insight into your parental role and ways you as an individual can better support your daughter in light of the feelings you have. Just food for thought.
The child is the identified patient of a system that isn’t working. The system being the family. There’s usually one person or the children that end up showing symptoms of something going wrong at home or in the community.
Since you want to be involved you could consider family therapy sessions that involve all of you. When the family is open to this - there can be a great shift.
But you don’t need to be involved or informed about your daughter’s sessions in order to support her. From what you write, you sound lost and helpless. Working with someone to talk about those feelings, and developing ways to manage them so that your daughter doesn’t absorb them, is so so important.
You shouldn’t be allowed to sit in sessions. That’s the entire point of therapy…for the client to have a private, safe space. And the T would only have to tell you anything if your daughter was harming herself or others. I respect this T for protecting her privacy. You can ask about the coping skills and the T should be more than okay with sharing those but please don’t try to sit in on sessions or find out what your daughter is talking about.
Danger of harm to self or others is NOT the only reason to involve the parent. Suppose child has school anxiety because of bullying on the school bus? The parent has every right, even duty, to hear about this. Similarly, if there is bullying on social media (god forbid, at 9 years old), the parent needs to know. Suppose there was a school shooting at the daughter's location, before she started going there but still she hears about it? Parents should know. Lots of reasons a parent should know what the antecedents of anxiety are for the daughter.
Philosophy person here - morally speaking, it's not even correct. Confidentiality is also a moral right grounded in respect for an individual's autonomy (including right to privacy), which I believe justifiably extends to children of a certain age - and the detriment of not having qualified confidentiality (beyond mandated reporting) trumps the benefit of unqualified confidentiality, so from a utilitarian moral perspective, it is also justified.
The parent does not have a right or duty to hear about something, beyond mandated reporting, if it means breaking confidentiality. The duty to uphold confidentiality trumps the duty to inform the parent. Thus, there is no moral obligation to keep the parent informed.
I've never been critized for being too moral before! LOL
As I said elsewhere in my comment on the opening post, confidentiality will be threatened if things said in the therapy get back to the parent, making daughter unwilling to speak freely in future.... but also, the parent should have some information about what's going on in therapy, which doesn't seem to be happening.
Perhaps consider getting your own therapist and and work with them on balancing keeping her safe with giving her space because she will need more and more space as she gets older. Have you met teenagers? Because you have a few years to figure out that balance before you have a teenager. That’s a good amount of time to work on how you’re going to handle this as she grows up. A therapist is a paid ally who helps people have better outcomes, and getting your own therapist may provide insight and assistance managing the relationship with her.
Because hovering parents who aren’t giving enough space can be super anxiety inducing and the person in the relationship you can control is yourself. Her therapy sessions should be a safe space where she can have a reasonable expectation of some privacy. Enlisting the assistance of your own therapist can help you navigate this and cope with your own very normal anxiety about your kid growing up.
Stop pressuring your child into letting you stalk her therapy sessions. Helicopter parent. You will give your child a complex and they will run for the hills at age 18
I suggested stepping back. You are her mom. The therapist is giving her something you can’t. Trying to force it will make your daughter more secretive. You can stick to being mom and let her therapist do what she’s trained to do.
Dad actually, not mom.
My daughter's not being secretive about it. She's not the one that requested I not be involved. That's coming from the therapist.
Children of that age are used to not having privacy in that way, or having parents involved in their business. I wouldn't be at all surprised if your daughter is totally fine with you being involved - but the question is: *should* she be fine with you being involved, and what might this do for the therapy? She's at an age where she is beginning to learn independence and needs to start to separate herself from her parents to a safe degree. Therapy can be the place she firsts starts to do this. Especially if she has anxiety, her having privacy may be a very important experience for her.
This is very normal, regardless of her age. A two-year-old would be entitled to the same amount of privacy.
That being said, it is completely acceptable to ask for a parent session where the therapist could help you build the skills that would help you support your daughter.
Yes, it is normal. Your child does need to feel that she can share what she feels without her mother knowing, you could always request a session with the therapist just you and them.
As the parent and guardian, you have a right to know what's going on in your daughter's therapy. At the same time, though, if it gets back to your daughter that her T shares everything with you, your daughter will share nothing else with the T.
You should ask the therapist if you can have a one-to-one conversation with her at the next appointment. When you do meet, ask what methods she is employing, and ask if there is anything you need to know about in the content of these sessions.
There's just a possibility that you yourself are the source of some of your daughter's anxiety. Just be aware that it could be seen that way, even if it's not true. So be measured and calm in your discussions with the therapist. That's always best anyway, but this is not a time t0 be demanding and heavy-handed.
The therapist sharing “everything” isn’t related to the question. And this advice is good about asking about the approach and what the therapist identifies as the treatment needs and how they hope parents support progress - just odd that most comments seem to assume the parent is demanding and invasive? A 9-year-old isn’t likely to remember to practice any coping skills they learned without a little prompting. And it’s not really fair to expect them to have to communicate to get the most out of the therapy. The adults need to coordinate.
Keep the conversation centered on what YOU can practically do, not what the therapist or your daughter is doing: "based on your sessions, what can I practically do if I'm with my daughter while she is experiencing anxiety to support her and make sure therapy is being applied in real life". While your daughter's sessions are private, if your therapist is licensed and legit, she'll be doing evidence based practices that aren't a secret. Maybe do some research on common techniques used in kids that age, learn some of the jargon, and then ask specifically, "hey do you mind sharing like are you using x breathing technique or whatever, I'm familiar with and would want to practice with my daughter if I'm with her and she's feeling anxious."
For reference, my roommate is a private piano teacher and while there's no policy about closed doors, she does not let the parents be in the room during lessons. Granted, you are paying for the sessions so you do have a right to at least know what the general goals are, signs therapy is making a difference, and anticipated timeline to see change- which all have to do with how your daughter is applying therapy outside of the sessions.
If you haven't seen any improvement but your daughter seems to enjoy therapy, I would honestly only give it another month or so (not sure how often she's seeing the therapist) and then maybe find someone else because 4 months is a decent amount of a time for a kid.
Since your daughter is so young I do find it strange that there is no parental involvement. Occasionally the parent should be invited in for the last 10 minutes a session or phone consults periodically. Of course confidentiality is very important but the therapist can tell you general themes of what they are seeing and of course should offer guidance of skills you can try to implement or focus on outside of session. I’m actually quite surprised you were not a part of or informed of the treatment plan at the very least
Some therapist don’t include parents in the therapy process for a lot of reasons but I think there needs to be a balance and you seem genuine so I would open the discussion up to the therapist. It couldn’t hurt also to ask your daughter if she would be ok with you coming in periodically
> Since your daughter is so young I do find it strange that there is no parental involvement. Occasionally the parent should be invited in for the last 10 minutes a session or phone consults periodically. Of course confidentiality is very important but the therapist can tell you general themes of what they are seeing and of course should offer guidance of skills you can try to implement or focus on outside of session. I’m actually quite surprised you were not a part of or informed of the treatment plan at the very least
Thank you. Some of the other comments here are making me feel like a helicopter parent for wanting to be more involved. It's not like I need to be there for every minute of every session, but at the moment I'm not being told anything, and with my daughter as young as she is that's concerning.
Genuine care or not, as a therapist who works with kids, the content of the sessions is confidential. No summary of it and very, very rare inclusion in the therapy space after the first session discussion on contracting.
Sure its rough being in the dark but no news is good news.
You for sure can request a copy of the treatment plan. It's a legal document / medical record, and as a custodial parent you can request it.
It should describe the technique, like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, treatment goals, and the current recommended length of treatment before next assessment. Milestones might also be appropriate.
Otherwise, it is indefinite, aimless, and possibly pointless or harmful mishmash of just paid talking.
This is a different document than "treatment notes" which is when therapist keeps a diary of topics and impressions of each session. The therapist may rightfully refuse to share those without a court order.
Essentially to protect the rapport they have developed... which is essentially her earned social pass, so that they can accomplish anything.
Consider asking for a ‘parent session’ or what techniques you can use at home to support what she’s learning/practicing! These are both useful tools that preserve your daughter’s privacy and help you support the process
Heya. Yep, this is normal. My 7 year old's therapist will do parent sessions, but that's exclusively parents & the therapist. We use these sessions to discuss what we're seeing, our questions/concerns, and what we could do to support our daughter. We don't get many details about what they're doing in therapy.
Goals should have been established during intake with you. You are allowed to check in, and your therapist too should be checking in with you, on progress toward the goals. As the therapist only gets her 1 hour and you get her the rest of thr time, she *should* be checking in with you to see what you are noticing at home/outside of therapy. If she's not making progress, a conversation needs to be had.
The therapist has a duty to protect your daughter's privacy. That being said, you can ask for a family therapy session to talk with your daughter and the therapist to ask how you can support your daughter. That should be okay.
My daughter had a therapist at around the same as yours and for severe anxiety. My wife and I would periodically have an appointment with the T, and we were able to discuss at least some of our daughter's issues. Mostly, though it seemed like the T was always normalizing certain things we knew our daughter was doing, and would say things like, "That's not unusual for girls her age." But certain things seemed a little unusual to us, like our daughter's fear of kissing; at some point when she was younger she stopped us from giving her even a tiny peck on the cheek. And then we began noticing that when she'd see people kissing on TV she'd cover her eyes and sometimes put her hands over her ears and make a moaning sound. We brought this up with the T, and again she'd say it was normal.
Our daughter will be 20 soon. She's away at college. To our knowledge she has never kissed or been kissed by anyone. And even though she's subtle about it, she still her averts her eyes when she sees anyone kissing. We always felt there was something in this behavior that was concerning, but the T didn't recognize it as anything major. It was frustrating for us, because we felt left out of a process that might have given all us a greater understanding of what was and is still going on.
Ask for a parent only session to learn all the coping skills she is needing to practice and to get education on anxiety and best practice as a parent. If they can't do that ... They aren't the right fit ... IMO
Counselling psychologist (UK) here, experience working with children and adolescents - NHS/private (& my area of research). Firstly, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like you really want to support your daughter and both her and you are struggling. Here’s my tuppence worth…Its considered best practice to work with parents/carers too when working with kids. I know great psychologists who don’t want to work in this area for that very reason-it’s an added layer but it’s essential. I’ll try to have about 3 meetings with parents for younger ones. Might have brief referral meeting but usually meet with parents after a few sessions-separate to the child (i always talk to the child about communicating with parents, explain why, its importance, how they feel, if there’s anything they want to share/not share). The reason- I want to know how parents understand what’s going on. I want to understand some of the family dynamics (usually issues there), how theyre coping/ feeling about the situation, what they’d like to see happening. I explain my plan for the work, expected number of sessions (roughly). I’ll do brief psycho-education and outline what I see as the main issue. I’ll talk to them about Childs goals and find out theirs. I’ll then set up a meeting -middle to 3/4 through. Usual set-up-child has half an hour, parents come in. I encourage kids to be present-because I encourage them to advocate for themselves-harder for younger ones tho. But Im running the meeting-and it has a positive tone-brief run down of work, but focus on -skills learnt,/progress made - to build child’s confidence. I ask child at points if they want to share/elaborate (I’ve already discussed this prior to the meeting with them-a couple of sessions prior to give them a heads up/help them think about anything they want to say). Invite parents if any thoughts/questions- at that point might excuse child. I’ve worked with senior psychologists and psychiatrists in child, LD, older adult, brain injury, LD services, and everywhere I’ve trained/worked the importance of communication/working with parents/carers/families is ingrained. If you don’t, the work will likely fail- because no matter how great your work with a child is, parents need to be on board with the plan. For instance, two parents-v different approaches to anxiety-denial and minimising eg mum minimises/dismisses kid’s problems (eg don’t worry if you’re late and get detention) -not helpful. Dad - proud to never feel stressed - untrue - and then got super angry when child became stressed. Great parents who needed a unified approach. With the best will in the world, expecting parents to suddenly see the signs of distress, understand and know how to help-is unreasonable and leaving it up to a young child to advocate for themselves - is unreasonable. Parents worry- having a child that’s struggling is hard. So they need support too. Also, I have to sometimes work with others in the child’s system - schools, social workers etc because again, everyone has to be on the same page. Hope helps…ps meetings can be online with parents.
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I would suggest asking the therapist if there's anything you can do to help your daughter, maybe paying for a session to get some techniques down or maybe the therapist will email you some stuff. That's how you will best be able to help your daughter! The other way you will help is by checking in on your daughter occasionally "is therapt okay?" and just being a good mom and giving her space.
My child of the same age is in therapy for the same reason. I would say that, without further information, this is normal and the sign of a good therapist. Your child is the therapist's client--not you--and your child is entitled to all the rights of privacy and confidentiality that an adult client would have. I never sit in on their sessions and don't want to, and I also invite them to share with me anything they would like to from session but don't ask or pry. That is their time and their space. There are exceptions, of course, if your child is at imminent risk of harm. Separately, I do have a "parent session" alone with the therapist about every 2 months or so. I don't learn what they're talking about or anything specific to my child's sessions. I do, however, have the chance to share what's going on at home, learn skills or techniques I can practice with my child, ask questions about parenting or interactions, and discuss treatment goals. Could you ask about having intermittent parent sessions where you can learn how to better support your child and supplement what is happening in therapy? In these sessions, the focus should be on you and how you can help, and less on what your daughter is talking about.
The only reason that your daughter's therapist has to involve you is if your daughter is hurting herself or suicidal or wants to hurt someone else. Have you considered they might not be including you because your daughter doesn't want you involved? That was the situation when I was a kid. I in no way wanted my parents involved or to know what I talked about in therapy.
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I agree in some ways. I think that the therapist could do a partial session to go over skills with the parent but otherwise I think its fine.
> The only reason that your daughter's therapist has to involve you is if your daughter is hurting herself or suicidal or wants to hurt someone else. I'm more interested in the opposite of this. Is the therapist allowed to involve me more if I request it and my daughter is okay with it? The therapist is telling me I can't be involved, but I don't know if that's a law, a best practice, a company thing, or just her personal rule. > Have you considered they might not be including you because your daughter doesn't want you involved? That was the situation when I was a kid. I in no way wanted my parents involved or to know what I talked about in therapy. I don't think that's very likely. My daughter is a pretty open and honest kid. She's never been hesitant or didn't want to tell me what happened at therapy and she knows I'd respect her answer if she said she didn't want to tell me something.
It's actually pretty hard to know if a nine-year-old is "okay with it". Maybe they are, or maybe they feel like they can't say no. No matter how good, open, and honest your relationship is, the parent is always in a position of power, and kids are expected to defer to a parent's wishes/direction (how many times have you asked your daughter to do something, and did not actually expect or want her to do it? Probably not many). Your daughter may well feel she cannot say no to Dad. (How many *adults* still feel like they can't tell their parents no?) Also, you never know when something will come up in therapy that maybe she isn't quite ready to share with parents yet. Maybe she's just embarrassed--they're getting to that age :) Having you there is unlikely to facilitate the true openness and vulnerability between therapist and client that is necessary for effective therapy. Let her have her space, and see if there is another way to communicate with the therapist so that you can feel involved in helping your daughter while also protecting her confidentiality and trust in her therapist.
Honestly I don’t involve parents unless the child asks for that involvement (I don’t work with toddlers and most of my child clients have been 8+). Most parents assume their kids want that. It’s very interesting to see how differently the parents and the child feel about their relationship. Most often children don’t want to involve their parents cause they want to share everything that isn’t okay or may get a reaction out of parents (eg: things that happen in school etc) that they wouldn’t want to deal with. Your child can communicate whatever she’s comfy with you. But you also can ask for individual sessions for yourself. This may not fit you but most of the parents that push back are also anxious parents that engage in controlling behaviours because of that anxiety and that’s also exactly why we have firmer boundaries in the therapy space. I’ve had clients who love working with me but have had to change therapists because their parents didn’t like the policy of non disclosure unless harm AND I’ve also worked with adult clients who hated their therapist cause of the lack of boundaries around communication with their parents. And now in therapy we work much longer to just establish trust.
I spoke with my daughter more about it last night. She told me she'd rather not have me in the sessions with her, which I'm fine with. But she did say she doesn't always remember the techniques she's learning and when to use them so I'm going to ask her therapist to share a summary or info about the things she's learning with me so I can help reinforce them at home.
You could ask her what is and isn’t working for her with therapy. What isn’t working can also be asked by asking why might be an ideal therapy situation for her and if it’s different from what she’s experiencing.
It is great that you want to support your daughter in her therapy! I was lucky to have supportive parents when I was in therapy for anxiety ages 10-14. What made therapy really beneficial for me was that it was something separate from school, separate from my parents— and while some parts of therapy are concrete skill-building, learning how to cope and self-regulate independently is different from practicing techniques. You don’t want that self-work to feel like homework, or something she’s doing for anyone or any reason but herself. And, especially for those of us with particularly supportive and involved parents, learning how to handle emotions and situations without active parental support is an important part of managing—and ideally overcoming—anxiety. I would gently suggest that you not become involved in your daughter’s coping practices or therapy techniques except in instances when she asks for your support directly. If she comes to you, for example, and says that she’s feeling really anxious or upset, it might be appropriate to ask if there is anything she’s learned in therapy that might help. It can also be helpful when you give advice that is different than what she would hear from her therapist! Like suggesting that the two of you go for a walk, that she listens to her favorite music, or playing a game. This can help demonstrate different social support/ other ways of coping than just what she is learning in therapy, and helps her keep that space as something separate, just her own, while she learns to navigate her inner world. My mom and I had our fair share of struggles balancing support and independence when I was young— she was an amazing parent, but at that age my need for space led me to push her away and, in some cases, act out in indirect ways. We truly became best friends once I learned how to act both independently and together, but it took until my later teen years for that to become more comfortable. She passed away this year and I will miss her completely and forever. I’m so grateful that she helped me get support when I needed it, and that we learned how to give each other just the right amount of space to enjoy our relationship to the absolute fullest.
Privacy and confidentiality. There are laws and legislations in every state/country and regulatory bodies who help to enforce this and to protect our human rights. Your daughter and her therapist are protected by this law. No one is trying to create a barrier to your daughters treatment, its just a mandatory boundary.
It's technically a legal thing for her not to involve you, but is more likely her personal preference that she doesn't have to. Legally she could involve you if your daughter is okay with it.
Involving you will likely damage the therapy. The child needs to know that therapy is her space, and that she's free to talk about whatever might be bothering her without you knowing. If she knows you will be involved, this might lead to her censoring herself on your behalf - children often want to protect their parents (and themselves) in that way. The best support you can give here is to encourage the privacy of her relationship with her therapist, and make it clear that your daughter's privacy will be upheld and that you're glad she has someone to talk to about whatever she needs to talk about. Book your own session to learn about techniques.
I was a really open and honest kid but I've recently (as a 32 year old) off handedly mentioned my anxiety symptoms from my childhood to my parents and I realized they really had no idea how bad it was. They had me in therapy and I'm surprised that I didn't talk to them more about it at the time, but, clearly I couldn't express it right. I have/had a great relationship with them and I certainly would have THOUGHT I'd be the type to share everything. I think I didn't share because I wasn't aware of how not-normal it all was. Sometimes it's just not how it goes. The good news, OP, if it gives you any hope -- I'm an not anywhere near as anxious now as I was when I was a kid. There's hope.
There's definitely some merit to getting parents involved in skills training, if nothing else. In fact, certain by-the-book modalities it's best practice to have the parent come in on occasion and for child to relay the skills learned to the parent. That way kiddo is solidifying their understanding of the skill while also building up self esteem and communication. When I learned TF-CBT, for example, we were taught to have the child be the one to teach psychoed concepts to the parents. Sounds like you're an understanding parent :) totally reasonable to request bringing in family. Also, for what its worth, even kids who have very secure relationships with their parents sometimes have asked me not to share anything with their parents. Sometimes (not saying this is necessarily the case for you) when there's a reputation for being the "good kid", there's a lot of self inflicted pressure to not let the parents see that they're struggling.
> Also, for what its worth, even kids who have very secure relationships with their parents sometimes have asked me not to share anything with their parents. Sometimes (not saying this is necessarily the case for you) when there's a reputation for being the "good kid", there's a lot of self inflicted pressure to not let the parents see that they're struggling. I totally understand if there are things my daughter wants to keep private. I don't want to invade her privacy. I just want to find a happy medium where I'm more informed and can help support her better while still leaving room for that privacy.
If your daughter has asked the therapist to share nothing, that is the happy medium. You can definitely ask her therapist for a parent session for you to learn skills to practice with your child at home. But my parents would have sworn up and down that I’d be fine with them knowing some or all of what I told my therapist, because they believed that’s what I’d want, when in fact I asked the therapist for the exact opposite.
What the therapist is doing is considered best practice. Yes, you are more involved because your child is a minor but in general we try to approach privacy and confidentiality with children the same way we do with adults. Only what you NEED to know. For therapy to work, your daughter has to build trust and have a relationship with therapist outside of you. Being very clear about that is a way for the therapist to earn her trust. Kids are more likely to people please or comply or hold things back because you are the authority figure. She’s much more likely to engage in an honest way without you - even if you do have a good relationship. Example - my spouse really is my best friend. I trust him more than anything and I’m VERY open with him. Do I share with him a lot of the stuff I talk about in therapy? Definitely not. Them not involving you has nothing to do with you as a person or parent and everything to do with treating your child with as much autonomy she can and giving her her own space to do some work. All that being said, you could ask to chat with the therapist. Don’t ask what they’re doing. Don’t ask what they talk about. Don’t fish for information. That undermines the space your daughter has. What you CAN do is say, I know she’s working with you on managing this, but how can I as a parent support her? Are there tools I can use with her? Skills I can teach her? Focus on what YOU can do at home and not on what she’s doing in therapy. I know it feels uncomfortable to be out of the loop, but this really is best practice and not a reflection of what the therapist thinks of you as a parent or an attempt to isolate them from you or something.
Just to add another dimension.. it could be that the therapist is working with your daughter towards your daughter being able to communicate her needs. Say the anxiety is coming from feeling no control, well then a step towards control is being able to decide when and how to discuss what helps when feeling anxious. That conversation happens across ages You can ask about different support strategies. Thats something that can be broad to all children and therapist can suggest some for you to try with daughter. Fidgets are a great example. You can experiment and see what helps.
hey! i am a child therapist and i definitely see your frustration! it can be difficult to feel heard and like you have a part in the child’s healing/growth if you perceive that you aren’t being communicated with effectively. while trust is important for any therapeutic relationship, it’s even more so important for kids. they want to know that they have a safe space to talk to someone, whom they build trust with, and that the things that they say are not going to be told to anyone. of course, we have our limits to confidentiality that include mandated reporting, and harm to oneself/others. every therapist is different in how they handle the rest. that should all be discussed in the first session so you and your child know what to expect. its not always as black-and-white as it may seem. personally, if i think there is something that should be shared that is outside of the limits of confidentiality, then i encourage the child to share it themselves. of course, they dont always feel comfortable or know how to verbalize it, so thats when i would offer to help them do it. if they say that they feel comfortable to share themselves, then they can share in a session or outside of therapy but trust is important on both sides of the relationship, so i should be able to trust that they WILL TRY to share themselves if not done in session. if they don't, then there is some problem-solving that we need to learn and addressing potential anxieties around sharing. when learning coping skills, particularly for anxiety, MOST people (not just kids) need to be reminded to use them. its literally about building a habit. you need to be reminded and practice coping skills when you are emotionally regulated. the more of a habit it becomes, the more likely you are to remember, unprompted, to use them when dysregulated. this can be an important time to involve a parent if the child feels comfortable with it. and again, if thats something i want to share, i ask permission. the laws are different for kids under 14; the therapist CAN share info without permission, but isnt REQUIRED TO. unfortunately, sometimes sharing information outside of the limits to confidentiality can be very damaging. all it can take is literally one disclosure that the child didnt feel comfortable with for them to lose trust and you cannot have effective therapy without trust.
OK, thanks for the information. I think that helps me direct the conversation with the therapist a little more clearly. My daughter also told me that she frequently has trouble remember the coping skills or using them when she's feeling stressed, so I think that's the main thing I want to focus on, finding a way the therapist can share more info about the coping skills she's learning so mom and I can help reinforce them at home. Daughter was also clear that she'd rather we not be in the sessions themselves so I'm glad she felt comfortable telling me that.
Therapist too and 100% second this. So well & kindly stated.
Heya … this is off topic and more just a curiosity/academic question coming from a different paediatric sector and country as I work in emergency care so am curious how it works in your practice/country… You mentioned theres no legal obligation to privacy under 14yrs old, does your state and practice discipline have laws around Gillick competency? Eg in Australia we can allow a child of reasonable age (theres no actual defined minimum age so most states its somewhere around middle school age or 10-12ish) to undergo a *Gillick competency assessment* to be able to deem mature enough to understand benefit vs risk of receiving general medical care (eg GP appts, vaccinations, dental work, mental health assessments) without the permission, presence or disclosure to their parents. Especially in the instance of mental health, we have many a times had parents request to know why their 12-13yr old is being seen and I am legally not allowed to say a word unless they are an imminent threat to themselves or others. As both a paediatric clinician and a mother, I 1000% support Gillicks Law (we inherited it from the UK) as it did MASSIVE landmark improvements for teenagers getting unrestricted access to reproductive advice/healthcare and mental health without fear of punishment etc but Im always curious how other countries and other disciplines navigate it.
Hello, I’m a therapist and I can confirm this is normal. However usually the first session involves the parents to give the child comfort and to discuss what the concerns are. The therapeutic relationship is between the therapist and the child. You can always request for the treatment plan and progress notes but just know therapist will not include anything that will be potentially harmful to the child. Also, if you have a concern, just talk to the therapist or ask if you and the child can have a joint session to better understand what is going on or to just do a check in to see how you can be supportive. Also if your child is happy with therapist & opening up to them? Then that is a great thing!
How do you approach the issue of her being in the classroom all day with a teacher and youre not there to know what shes being taught and what homework she should be doing? …. Very similar approach really except the therapist wont spill the beans unless shes a danger to herself. Its totally age appropriate for a school-aged child to have privacy from their parents in a therapy session. Im not for a minute saying you are, but how would your daughter be able to speak freely about her relationship with you if it was one of her main stressors but you were in the room? Most children wouldnt. Similarly alot of children also wont talk freely and openly in front of their parents about their friends if they think its something controversial eg skipping school or drinking etc because they dont want to get their friend in trouble and their parent may narc. Just remember that therapists are trained professionals, and fully vetted to work with children. You can however book a session for yourself to discuss your own concerns and anxieties around parenting a child with anxiety and how best support her and they can guide/support you that way??
Can you ask the therapist to meet with you for a parent consult? They won’t talk about what is discussed in session but if it’s skills you’re after, they may be able to provide. Alternatively, seek out your own therapy to help you navigate this. Your own therapist could certainly help you process your feelings around your daughter’s mental health and provide insight and supportive skills.
Agree on all points with this comment
> Can you ask the therapist to meet with you for a parent consult? They won’t talk about what is discussed in session but if it’s skills you’re after, they may be able to provide. This is going to be my next step but I wanted to get an idea of what's normal first before I request to be more involved. >Alternatively, seek out your own therapy to help you navigate this. Your own therapist could certainly help you process your feelings around your daughter’s mental health and provide insight and supportive skills. I don't really see how this would be helpful. My issues aren't with my own feelings about the situation, they're about how I support my daughter despite not being involved or informed about her treatment.
Generally when a child is dealing with anxiety, it is helpful for parents to get therapy too. Learning ways to manage your feelings that may be triggered by her anxiety helps. We can't help a child regulate until we regulate ourselves. Her therapist is right to keep things they talk about private. Having a safe person to talk without worrying about what will be repeated is an important part of therapy. A good therapist will work with you on how to support her while maintaining her privacy. And a good therapist will know when things need to be shared with parents. Maybe ask her therapist what types of things she will and will not share.
I agree, therapy would be helpful for you. You’re looking to understand how you can best support your daughter, a therapist can help you navigate this and can give you the tools to be the best parent possible. I read your post history and your sadness/feelings of failure related to your daughter going to therapy could definitely be addressed by a therapist as well. Your daughters therapist does not have to involve you if your daughter doesn’t want you involved. A lot of my young clients do not want their parents involved. Also, contacting the therapist and asking if you could have a “check-in” session isn’t out of bounds, as long as your daughter is okay with it. During this session, you can ask about how you can support her at home. Maybe they can reach an agreement with you in which they create a sheet every so often explaining the current coping skills and when to use them.
> I agree, therapy would be helpful for you. You’re looking to understand how you can best support your daughter, a therapist can help you navigate this and can give you the tools to be the best parent possible. I read your post history and your sadness/feelings of failure related to your daughter going to therapy could definitely be addressed by a therapist as well. Again, not really looking for therapy for myself. I'm doing fine. Just looking for how I can be better informed about my daughter's treatment. >Your daughters therapist does not have to involve you if your daughter doesn’t want you involved. A lot of my young clients do not want their parents involved. Also, contacting the therapist and asking if you could have a “check-in” session isn’t out of bounds, as long as your daughter is okay with it. During this session, you can ask about how you can support her at home. Maybe they can reach an agreement with you in which they create a sheet every so often explaining the current coping skills and when to use them. My daughter's not the one who doesn't want me involved. But I'm not really insisting that I be in the sessions themselves, just that I be better informed about treatment and skills that she's learning so I can help support her when she's struggling with them. The check-in session or some other way of communicating outside of sessions are good ideas, I'll bring those up with the therapist.
Getting therapy doesn't necessarily mean you're super depressed or a mess mentally. If you tried therapy yourself, you'd probably better understand why the therapist keeping your daughter's sessions confidential is not only normal, but important and ethical. Therapy is a space where you can process emotions, work on coping tools, and gain insight on your own reactivity (which we all have) from a trained professional who is likely able to notice things you won't yourself. Having access to your own therapist would also mean that you'd be better positioned to support your daughter in a way that isn't just driven from your own emotional reactivity or sense of helplessness against her struggles, because you have your own space to process your feelings. Pushing back so definitively against therapy suggests, to me, that you don't really have a lot of awareness of what therapy is about/for. Even if you just went for a bit, it could help you to understand what your daughter is experiencing a bit better. And how do you think it might make your daughter feel if she is in therapy but her parent would never go themselves because they "don't need it"? That can easily come across as reinforcing the stigma against therapy. It can be helpful to kids to see their parents modeling healthy behaviour and accessing help themselves!
Yea! There are lots of different ways that I communicate with my clients parents. I prefer to have my clients update their parents on their own because it allows them to practice communicating w their parents which is often a struggle. Usually, I will say something like “do you think it would be helpful if Mom/Dad knew about the coping skills we’ve learned so they can suggest one if they see you struggling?” A lot of the time they say yes. Then I’ll ask if they’re comfortable bringing it up this week and reporting back to me next session regarding how it went. Sometimes they come back and say they forgot, that’s when we make a coping skills reference sheet for them to bring home and show mom/dad. Could you ask your daughter to see if she and her therapist can write down the coping skills they have practiced? This would even be really helpful for her to have since you mentioned she struggles to know when/how to use the skills.
The therapy you partake in can be focused on you navigating your feelings toward your daughter, and possibly arriving at new insight into her anxiety in relation to your behaviour - not to say you are to blame for her anxiety, but that anxiety in children usually arises from a complex system that more often than not includes the parent's behaviour. Getting therapy would not be about you not doing "fine," but about you getting insight into your parental role and ways you as an individual can better support your daughter in light of the feelings you have. Just food for thought.
You are supporting her by taking her to therapy and allowing the process to go. If the therapist wants to involve you they’ll ask.
The child is the identified patient of a system that isn’t working. The system being the family. There’s usually one person or the children that end up showing symptoms of something going wrong at home or in the community. Since you want to be involved you could consider family therapy sessions that involve all of you. When the family is open to this - there can be a great shift.
But you don’t need to be involved or informed about your daughter’s sessions in order to support her. From what you write, you sound lost and helpless. Working with someone to talk about those feelings, and developing ways to manage them so that your daughter doesn’t absorb them, is so so important.
You shouldn’t be allowed to sit in sessions. That’s the entire point of therapy…for the client to have a private, safe space. And the T would only have to tell you anything if your daughter was harming herself or others. I respect this T for protecting her privacy. You can ask about the coping skills and the T should be more than okay with sharing those but please don’t try to sit in on sessions or find out what your daughter is talking about.
Danger of harm to self or others is NOT the only reason to involve the parent. Suppose child has school anxiety because of bullying on the school bus? The parent has every right, even duty, to hear about this. Similarly, if there is bullying on social media (god forbid, at 9 years old), the parent needs to know. Suppose there was a school shooting at the daughter's location, before she started going there but still she hears about it? Parents should know. Lots of reasons a parent should know what the antecedents of anxiety are for the daughter.
You're speaking morally. The comment above is best practice for confidentiality.
Philosophy person here - morally speaking, it's not even correct. Confidentiality is also a moral right grounded in respect for an individual's autonomy (including right to privacy), which I believe justifiably extends to children of a certain age - and the detriment of not having qualified confidentiality (beyond mandated reporting) trumps the benefit of unqualified confidentiality, so from a utilitarian moral perspective, it is also justified. The parent does not have a right or duty to hear about something, beyond mandated reporting, if it means breaking confidentiality. The duty to uphold confidentiality trumps the duty to inform the parent. Thus, there is no moral obligation to keep the parent informed.
Thank you! Yes, that’s what I was saying.
Well, excuse me!
I don't know how to interpret this response lol I was just trying to say darkskies wasn't wrong
I've never been critized for being too moral before! LOL As I said elsewhere in my comment on the opening post, confidentiality will be threatened if things said in the therapy get back to the parent, making daughter unwilling to speak freely in future.... but also, the parent should have some information about what's going on in therapy, which doesn't seem to be happening.
That is not the parents’ right.
Perhaps consider getting your own therapist and and work with them on balancing keeping her safe with giving her space because she will need more and more space as she gets older. Have you met teenagers? Because you have a few years to figure out that balance before you have a teenager. That’s a good amount of time to work on how you’re going to handle this as she grows up. A therapist is a paid ally who helps people have better outcomes, and getting your own therapist may provide insight and assistance managing the relationship with her. Because hovering parents who aren’t giving enough space can be super anxiety inducing and the person in the relationship you can control is yourself. Her therapy sessions should be a safe space where she can have a reasonable expectation of some privacy. Enlisting the assistance of your own therapist can help you navigate this and cope with your own very normal anxiety about your kid growing up.
This is the norm
Stop pressuring your child into letting you stalk her therapy sessions. Helicopter parent. You will give your child a complex and they will run for the hills at age 18
Or they won't know how to do anything on their own and will be in constant anxiety at making their own decisions.... either one is not a good outcome.
I suggested stepping back. You are her mom. The therapist is giving her something you can’t. Trying to force it will make your daughter more secretive. You can stick to being mom and let her therapist do what she’s trained to do.
Dad actually, not mom. My daughter's not being secretive about it. She's not the one that requested I not be involved. That's coming from the therapist.
But you really don’t know if your daughter is requesting it or not? How can you know that?
Because your daughter wants and deserved privacy. Maybe your own therapist could help you understand.
Children of that age are used to not having privacy in that way, or having parents involved in their business. I wouldn't be at all surprised if your daughter is totally fine with you being involved - but the question is: *should* she be fine with you being involved, and what might this do for the therapy? She's at an age where she is beginning to learn independence and needs to start to separate herself from her parents to a safe degree. Therapy can be the place she firsts starts to do this. Especially if she has anxiety, her having privacy may be a very important experience for her.
If your daughter wants you involved, she will get you involved.
This is very normal, regardless of her age. A two-year-old would be entitled to the same amount of privacy. That being said, it is completely acceptable to ask for a parent session where the therapist could help you build the skills that would help you support your daughter.
this is normal and very standard. you can ask the therapist what you can do better at home, but she will not disclose what is said in sessions.
Yes, it is normal. Your child does need to feel that she can share what she feels without her mother knowing, you could always request a session with the therapist just you and them.
Have you ever listened to the podcast FlusterClux with Lynn Lyons? I think there are several episodes that could be helpful in this situation.
You might get better answers posting in r/askatherapist
It’s also true that your daughter would share more with you if she wanted to.
As the parent and guardian, you have a right to know what's going on in your daughter's therapy. At the same time, though, if it gets back to your daughter that her T shares everything with you, your daughter will share nothing else with the T. You should ask the therapist if you can have a one-to-one conversation with her at the next appointment. When you do meet, ask what methods she is employing, and ask if there is anything you need to know about in the content of these sessions. There's just a possibility that you yourself are the source of some of your daughter's anxiety. Just be aware that it could be seen that way, even if it's not true. So be measured and calm in your discussions with the therapist. That's always best anyway, but this is not a time t0 be demanding and heavy-handed.
The therapist sharing “everything” isn’t related to the question. And this advice is good about asking about the approach and what the therapist identifies as the treatment needs and how they hope parents support progress - just odd that most comments seem to assume the parent is demanding and invasive? A 9-year-old isn’t likely to remember to practice any coping skills they learned without a little prompting. And it’s not really fair to expect them to have to communicate to get the most out of the therapy. The adults need to coordinate.
Keep the conversation centered on what YOU can practically do, not what the therapist or your daughter is doing: "based on your sessions, what can I practically do if I'm with my daughter while she is experiencing anxiety to support her and make sure therapy is being applied in real life". While your daughter's sessions are private, if your therapist is licensed and legit, she'll be doing evidence based practices that aren't a secret. Maybe do some research on common techniques used in kids that age, learn some of the jargon, and then ask specifically, "hey do you mind sharing like are you using x breathing technique or whatever, I'm familiar with and would want to practice with my daughter if I'm with her and she's feeling anxious." For reference, my roommate is a private piano teacher and while there's no policy about closed doors, she does not let the parents be in the room during lessons. Granted, you are paying for the sessions so you do have a right to at least know what the general goals are, signs therapy is making a difference, and anticipated timeline to see change- which all have to do with how your daughter is applying therapy outside of the sessions. If you haven't seen any improvement but your daughter seems to enjoy therapy, I would honestly only give it another month or so (not sure how often she's seeing the therapist) and then maybe find someone else because 4 months is a decent amount of a time for a kid.
Since your daughter is so young I do find it strange that there is no parental involvement. Occasionally the parent should be invited in for the last 10 minutes a session or phone consults periodically. Of course confidentiality is very important but the therapist can tell you general themes of what they are seeing and of course should offer guidance of skills you can try to implement or focus on outside of session. I’m actually quite surprised you were not a part of or informed of the treatment plan at the very least Some therapist don’t include parents in the therapy process for a lot of reasons but I think there needs to be a balance and you seem genuine so I would open the discussion up to the therapist. It couldn’t hurt also to ask your daughter if she would be ok with you coming in periodically
> Since your daughter is so young I do find it strange that there is no parental involvement. Occasionally the parent should be invited in for the last 10 minutes a session or phone consults periodically. Of course confidentiality is very important but the therapist can tell you general themes of what they are seeing and of course should offer guidance of skills you can try to implement or focus on outside of session. I’m actually quite surprised you were not a part of or informed of the treatment plan at the very least Thank you. Some of the other comments here are making me feel like a helicopter parent for wanting to be more involved. It's not like I need to be there for every minute of every session, but at the moment I'm not being told anything, and with my daughter as young as she is that's concerning.
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Genuine care or not, as a therapist who works with kids, the content of the sessions is confidential. No summary of it and very, very rare inclusion in the therapy space after the first session discussion on contracting. Sure its rough being in the dark but no news is good news.
You for sure can request a copy of the treatment plan. It's a legal document / medical record, and as a custodial parent you can request it. It should describe the technique, like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, treatment goals, and the current recommended length of treatment before next assessment. Milestones might also be appropriate. Otherwise, it is indefinite, aimless, and possibly pointless or harmful mishmash of just paid talking. This is a different document than "treatment notes" which is when therapist keeps a diary of topics and impressions of each session. The therapist may rightfully refuse to share those without a court order. Essentially to protect the rapport they have developed... which is essentially her earned social pass, so that they can accomplish anything.
Consider asking for a ‘parent session’ or what techniques you can use at home to support what she’s learning/practicing! These are both useful tools that preserve your daughter’s privacy and help you support the process
Heya. Yep, this is normal. My 7 year old's therapist will do parent sessions, but that's exclusively parents & the therapist. We use these sessions to discuss what we're seeing, our questions/concerns, and what we could do to support our daughter. We don't get many details about what they're doing in therapy.
Goals should have been established during intake with you. You are allowed to check in, and your therapist too should be checking in with you, on progress toward the goals. As the therapist only gets her 1 hour and you get her the rest of thr time, she *should* be checking in with you to see what you are noticing at home/outside of therapy. If she's not making progress, a conversation needs to be had.
The therapist has a duty to protect your daughter's privacy. That being said, you can ask for a family therapy session to talk with your daughter and the therapist to ask how you can support your daughter. That should be okay.
My daughter had a therapist at around the same as yours and for severe anxiety. My wife and I would periodically have an appointment with the T, and we were able to discuss at least some of our daughter's issues. Mostly, though it seemed like the T was always normalizing certain things we knew our daughter was doing, and would say things like, "That's not unusual for girls her age." But certain things seemed a little unusual to us, like our daughter's fear of kissing; at some point when she was younger she stopped us from giving her even a tiny peck on the cheek. And then we began noticing that when she'd see people kissing on TV she'd cover her eyes and sometimes put her hands over her ears and make a moaning sound. We brought this up with the T, and again she'd say it was normal. Our daughter will be 20 soon. She's away at college. To our knowledge she has never kissed or been kissed by anyone. And even though she's subtle about it, she still her averts her eyes when she sees anyone kissing. We always felt there was something in this behavior that was concerning, but the T didn't recognize it as anything major. It was frustrating for us, because we felt left out of a process that might have given all us a greater understanding of what was and is still going on.
Ask for a parent only session to learn all the coping skills she is needing to practice and to get education on anxiety and best practice as a parent. If they can't do that ... They aren't the right fit ... IMO
Counselling psychologist (UK) here, experience working with children and adolescents - NHS/private (& my area of research). Firstly, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like you really want to support your daughter and both her and you are struggling. Here’s my tuppence worth…Its considered best practice to work with parents/carers too when working with kids. I know great psychologists who don’t want to work in this area for that very reason-it’s an added layer but it’s essential. I’ll try to have about 3 meetings with parents for younger ones. Might have brief referral meeting but usually meet with parents after a few sessions-separate to the child (i always talk to the child about communicating with parents, explain why, its importance, how they feel, if there’s anything they want to share/not share). The reason- I want to know how parents understand what’s going on. I want to understand some of the family dynamics (usually issues there), how theyre coping/ feeling about the situation, what they’d like to see happening. I explain my plan for the work, expected number of sessions (roughly). I’ll do brief psycho-education and outline what I see as the main issue. I’ll talk to them about Childs goals and find out theirs. I’ll then set up a meeting -middle to 3/4 through. Usual set-up-child has half an hour, parents come in. I encourage kids to be present-because I encourage them to advocate for themselves-harder for younger ones tho. But Im running the meeting-and it has a positive tone-brief run down of work, but focus on -skills learnt,/progress made - to build child’s confidence. I ask child at points if they want to share/elaborate (I’ve already discussed this prior to the meeting with them-a couple of sessions prior to give them a heads up/help them think about anything they want to say). Invite parents if any thoughts/questions- at that point might excuse child. I’ve worked with senior psychologists and psychiatrists in child, LD, older adult, brain injury, LD services, and everywhere I’ve trained/worked the importance of communication/working with parents/carers/families is ingrained. If you don’t, the work will likely fail- because no matter how great your work with a child is, parents need to be on board with the plan. For instance, two parents-v different approaches to anxiety-denial and minimising eg mum minimises/dismisses kid’s problems (eg don’t worry if you’re late and get detention) -not helpful. Dad - proud to never feel stressed - untrue - and then got super angry when child became stressed. Great parents who needed a unified approach. With the best will in the world, expecting parents to suddenly see the signs of distress, understand and know how to help-is unreasonable and leaving it up to a young child to advocate for themselves - is unreasonable. Parents worry- having a child that’s struggling is hard. So they need support too. Also, I have to sometimes work with others in the child’s system - schools, social workers etc because again, everyone has to be on the same page. Hope helps…ps meetings can be online with parents.