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I wouldn't take it as a sign that your stories are too heavy for her to take. It could just mean that she is emotive. But if it bothers you, ask.
I told people at work once that I cry easily. My eyes leak, dammit. That's it. It doesn't mean I'm devastated or weak. Don't make a big deal. It's just how I'm built. It'll pass.
Also, consider that your story is genuinely devastating, and you might have coped by dissociating... And that you might at some point feel something stronger about it as you heal.
Yes, especially the last paragraph. I'm a T and I sometimes well up at something before my client does. Often they don't realise how bad something was and it's 'just another story' from their life. It can be quite shocking to them. Similarly, I well up as the client is welling up too. Then they seem confused that I was teary, and I say that they were teary too... Then they are shocked and say they don't feel sad and didn't think they were crying. Even with tears on their cheeks. Point being, dissociation is very convincing - it needs to be - and interruptions to this process can feel too threatening.
It's a sign that she has strong empathy and compassion for what you went through. A therapist isn't "inexperienced" for having a reaction to your pain. It means they are human and fully present with you and your experience while you are speaking.
Sometimes I think therapists can't win. They either show too much emotion or too little. They agree too much or are too oppositional. They're either too touchy feely and creepy or too aloof. I'm not sure where "just right" falls, but what you're talking about here is in no way abnormal for HUMANS when they're fully engaged and hearing about human suffering.
Yeah, and honestly people’s reaction or resistance to a therapist is often great grist for the mill! Maybe OP has trouble feeling the weight of their trauma history, could be interesting to explore in session
> Sometimes I think therapists can't win.
When a person goes to therapy the first few times they're in an unfamiliar environment and it's human to be wary of everything that happens.
OP would probably have reacted similarly if the therapist were stoic as well.
Remember, we rationalize how we feel. If OP is insecure that's their mind finding reasons to justify sharing less.
It's a defense mechanism.
It's nobody's fault, it just is.
My therapist did this, and for me this was actually very comforting and validating. For the first time ever I felt like what happened to me actually mattered and that if someone responded so emotionally, it clearly was as bad as what I had thought in my head but had been convinced that it wasn’t.
I needed that emotional response, so I didn’t see it as a bad thing. It’s not a bad thing either - but it’s okay if it doesn’t work for you. There are some therapists who will never get emotional and others who will, it’s a personal thing. Also I guess some stories may hit some people harder for different reasons, they are only human and might have been through some stuff too.
It’s not a sign of inexperience, just people having different personalities and conducting their work differently too. If it’s a problem for you that’s okay! You can either talk to her about it or choose to go for someone else, either option is fine
Therapists are human, too. She could be more of an empath. Many empaths find themselves in careers like that. It doesn't mean she won't be able to deliver what you need when the time comes.
The therapist could be modeling appropriate display of emotion for you. Often those of us who have gone through trauma weren’t allowed/safe enough to display these emotions. It’s okay to feel uncomfortable. I believe this is your body saying “hey we’re not supposed to cry about this.”
But she’s providing a corrective experience for you. Maybe the hope is that you start to work on connecting to your emotions by allowing your body to feel them. -also a therapist
I get teary eyed when I hear some of my clients stories, especially if they are genuine and authentic. If you have a high degree of sensitivity, you may need to put extra effort into regulating your nervous system and sometimes it means shifting your attention spotlight to that instead of connecting to the person in front of you.
Bring it out in your next session and try finding out why do you see it as something odd?
Some therapists show their emotions more than others. Let her know how you felt, and talk about this with her. If you feel like she’s good for other reasons, then perhaps you can resolve this issue (either you can understand that she’s fine and just cries easily, or she can restrain her emotions better, or another solution).
Therapist here. I cried with a client recently for the first time since I started practicing 3 years ago. I checked in with how they felt about it afterwards and we explored what it meant relationally for us. It’s always important to do that. Maybe you could let her know how it felt to you. Some people aren’t at a place where it feels safe for a therapist to respond that way. Some people need to feel much more sturdily held with their trauma and not feel as though they are too much for their therapist to handle. It’s important she knows this. I’m surprised she didn’t explore how it was for you.
My last therapist was a crier, literally from the first day we worked together. It didn't bother me at all, but I can also see how it could make someone else uncomfortable. Granted, it was usually just her becoming tearful, and sometimes we'd tear up together, and it always felt supportive to me, like my emotions around a situation were warranted.
If it continues, or it continues to bother you, don't hesitate to speak up about it.
Empathy is I think one of the most powerful skills in this role.
I want to be able to walk with you - hear you- experience with you. However I do not want to deter your own reactions / process nor do I want you to worry about me more than yourself in the setting.
There could be many reasons that was their reaction. If you’re comfortable maybe try meeting again and see how you feel.
Another thought is maybe seeing a reaction to your story where you do not get emotional about it (nothing wrong with that by the way - everyone has their way) can be beneficial in exploring how you do process now and if there is room for those emotions to come out. Albeit doesn’t have to be crying but there is a lot of power in release
“I would, however, occasionally look up at Ruth’s face. And to my surprise, tears would be collecting in her eyes as she listened. This may seem hard to grasp, but those tears were not hers. They were mine. At the time I didn’t understand. But that’s how therapy works. A patient delegates his unacceptable feelings to his therapist: and she holds everything he is afraid to feel, and she feels it for him. And then, ever so slowly, she feeds his feelings back to him. As Ruth fed mine back to me.”
- from the Silent Patient
Oh man, can relate. This has happened to me with almost every therapist I’ve seen - thanks intrafamilial torture!
On a more serious note, I’ll offer my perspective in case any of it resonates with you. That reaction from therapists helped me start to grasp that what I experienced growing up truly wasn’t normal. Before seeing that, I had assumed that what I survived really “wasn’t that bad” or that when things upset me, I was “just being dramatic”. When I started viewing that reaction as an invitation for me to reconsider the gravity of what I’m sharing, it really opened up a juicy and very emotional part of the work.
And, perhaps even more importantly, seeing a therapist have that reaction to what I survived really brought home that it wasn’t okay for anyone to treat any version of myself (young, old, tired, joyful, etc) that way. This then helped me gather the courage to set boundaries with people I still had in my life who were still treating me that way. This is another juicy part of the work that comes with a beautiful payout (only having people in my orbit that are kind & open-hearted).
A couple times, hearing what I survived overwhelmed the therapist I was working with. The next step for me was having an honest conversation with them about how they felt about their capacity to hold space for my trauma, being sure to communicate that what I had overwhelmed them with was just the tip of the iceberg. Each time, they referred me out to more experienced/specialized trauma therapists that ended up being much better fits. This might be a route to consider as well!
I’ll echo others and say this def isn’t necessarily a sign of being inexperienced, but it MAY be a sign that they aren’t a fit for you. And it’s okay if that’s true! For some people, having a therapist cry is very healing and for others it feels invalidating (esp if they haven’t gotten the chance to rly process it yet and they’re not crying themselves) Talk about it with them and let them know how it made you feel if you feel able to do so. I wish they would’ve brought it up to you to process with them when it happened!
If it truly bothers you, I would let her know and have a conversation about it.
Personally, as someone who like many have sadly dealt with trauma, having someone respond that way has helped me understand that it was wrong the way I was treated/went through. Many times folks who go through trauma don’t realize how traumatic something they went through was and how it was wrong. Allowing others to show their emotions can be helpful in modeling healthy emotions but also allowing space for the person to possibly process it easier.
Either way do what’s best for you! It’s your treatment and your health!
Alright OP, I'm a therapist and I'll be honest - I've done this before with a newer client and they felt the same way (concerned I wouldn't be able to handle even worse trauma). Want you to know it's not because we can't handle it, it's because we feel so much empathy and compassion for you going through such horrific pain. I'll admit I was also experiencing PMS so my hormones really exacerbated my tears :D
That’s kinda sweet actually. You never really know if the person you’re bearing your soul to actually cares or just knows the right things to say and is just waiting to clock out. Kinda nice to know she hasn’t been hardened or desensitized out of her empathy.
Some therapists are more emotional. She didn’t do anything wrong but it is completely valid if you don’t want to see her anymore after. If you think that it will make it difficult to work with her, nothing wrong with seeking out someone new.
I’ve had two therapists and I’ve made both of them cry. I feel reassured that they understand the depth of my feeling, and I find it helpful to be reminded that they are human too.
I would be incredibly uncomfortable if a therapist started crying after I had only seen them a few times. Is she crying every time she talks to a patient about trauma? That doesn’t seem sustainable. I don’t want to feel like I need to take care of her feelings. I take care of people for my job and I need to go to therapy and not worry about her. I need to trust that she can manage her own emotions. I’ve been able to make progress because my therapist always has herself handled.
If she’s tearing up in the second session how she going to handle it once you both have a deeper rapport? In the end it’s up to you but I would want to have a serious talk with her before continuing with her.
I’ve made Therapist cry before, at the time I didn’t give it a second thought though it did surprise me, in my opinion it is absolutely OK if a therapist cries I’ve had several therapist in my life and the best one I ever had was the only one that cried. In my experience She was very engaged in our sessions and asked me the questions that stumped me and really made me think. I wish!, I still had her as a therapist. She ended up breaking away from her employer, and pursued her own business with mental health an in effort to help people more effectively.
At the end of the day, a therapist is still a person. They have gone through training and they know different psychological techniques that they can use, but they are person with a heart and clearly your story deeply touch them. If them crying made you feel uncomfortable I would recommend bringing it up in session But I don’t think that it’s a sign that like you shouldn’t share your trauma it might even be like an opportunity for you to practice feeling comfortable with someone showing Karen compassion for you. Because something I’ve actually heard from people who’ve experienced a lot of trauma is that when people are nice to them they actually have like a sense of repellent, or like disgust becuase they are used to bad treatment. Just a thought, so I guess overall what I’m saying is I think that it is normal for therapist to cry when they hear really difficult stories like that not all of them do but some do and it’s totally normal.
Therapist are for sure human but I know I couldn’t handle my therapist crying when I’m talking about my trauma. I seem to get emotional easily, like horrible news stories make me cry, people having losses on shows I watch etc. I know it’s linked to my own trauma and I’m in therapy working through it, you should definitely address it with your therapist if you want to continue with that therapist, if it’s something she can’t help then it is what it is but if it’s going to affect your therapy then you probably need to find another therapist.
Therapist here. At this stage if I started with a new therapist and this was their response I would probably move on. I need someone to be non-reactive to me sharing things(and I seek out analytically trained therapists for this reason) I don’t want my therapist to be aloof or cold, nor am I with patients, but being kind, while also fully taking care of my emotions and not acting them out has been a very important practice for my personal needs and my values as a therapist.
I got really tired of small comments, sighs, shocked faces, gasps, even cursing etc. I get that from my friends. It took me out of processing and exploration and into caring for them… which is exactly what I need to practice NOT doing. I received all sorts of reactions to any emotion I showed as a child, so now I NEED space where I can just BE and not have to engage with the therapist’s emotions about what I am sharing. Keeping my emotions teathered firmly to MYSELF is how I practice as a therapist. Everyone needs different things and wants different types of support. Again, many people really need a therapist to be expressive and emotive… but that is not everyone!
I had this happen to me twice and it took years for me to actually address my traumas in therapy again. I hadn't even cried about it yet. Compassion is a great trait for a therapist. Having an emotional response to the trauma of someone you've spent less than 2 hours with just seems like unhealthy boundaries. This would be a hard pass for me with a new therapist.
Can you elaborate on the unhealthy boundaries comment? If the therapist isn’t sharing their own history, elaborating on their reactions and trying to make the client feel responsible for them, or telling the client how to feel I’m not sure what boundary is being crossed? Having a genuine reaction that isn’t over the top doesn’t seem like a boundary violation to me so I’m curious.
I mean boundary in terms of "this is not my pain". There are varying levels of empathy but we all have it (ETA that yes I know some people don't have it but I'm not including them because they arent relevant to this question and response). Movies and hallmark commercials that are designed to tug the heartstrings cause many to cry. A loved one telling you about something that's causing them pain may cause heartache because we hate to see loved ones suffer. Reading or hearing an interview with someone who has been through an experience that you really identify with may cause emotions that are at least partially about your experience(collective you, not you specifically). But as a therapist, strong boundaries are needed so you don't take on all that pain. It's that whole thing where we put on our oxygen masks before securing others'. It's also why I get bothered by people who call themselves empaths and talk about how other people's feelings overwhelm their ability to function. That's not healthy and shouldn't ever be spoken of like a good thing, ya know? Like please get some help for that because that line between this is your pain and this is my pain is nonexistent and that's no way to live. In any case, how any of us emote in relation to our empathy is our own thing, but when you're the therapist, your responses are very powerful messages, and having a tearful response to a new patient who you haven't developed a relationship with yet feels (to me) like that line is not strong enough.
I'm sure there are many clients who would react to a therapist's tearful response with a feeling that their trauma is so bad that it causes other people pain, and then in the worst case outcome, they feel like they shouldn't talk about it. I say I'm sure because that was my experience and because I've seen and heard a variation of this person's post quite a few times, particularly when I was a volunteer peer support at a suicide respite. A therapist who has worked with you for a long time having this brief reaction would be way different than someone in a second session. Therapists should still be pretty blank slates that early on as they evaluate what their new patient responds to. So many of us who end up in therapy were repeatedly told to stop crying or had our emotions invalidated or never learned to self soothe. Fortunately everyone is more informed now about validation and how unhealthy stuffing is, but i think we've still got plenty of years of people who are highly judgmental about their own feelings, and I don't think that's something that would be obvious after one session. Displaying vulnerability can be a huge challenge for people coming to therapy, because we were routinely judged for it, or becauseour parents were still doing the whole "I'll give you a reason to cry" thing. Even if this response is not a negative judgment of the patient's feelings, disclosing a trauma and having someone who barely knows you cry over it isn't guaranteed to present as compassion to someone who's never been responded to with compassion.
Sorry that was so long but I felt like it was necessary to properly explain my POV and not just sound like a judgy AH. 🤣🤣
> Now idk if i’ll feel comfortable sharing even worse trauma.
Would you be if she acted differently?
Or better question, what kind of reaction do you think would have made you be comfortable to?
I think when it comes to trauma it's natural to **not** feel comfortable sharing.
One goal of therapy is, over time, build enough trust so that we can share things we feel uncomfortable sharing.
I would suggest sharing this thought process of yours with her, it might be worth exploring.
Welcome to r/TalkTherapy! This sub is for people to discuss issues arising in their personal psychotherapy. If you wish to post about other mental health issues please consult this list of some of our [sister subs](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources/#wiki_subreddit_list). To find answers to many therapy-related questions please consult our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/faq) and [Resource List](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources). If you are in distress please contact a suicide hotline or call 9-1-1 or emergency services in your area. r/SuicideWatch has compiled a helpful FAQ on what happens when you contact a hotline along with other useful resources. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TalkTherapy) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I wouldn't take it as a sign that your stories are too heavy for her to take. It could just mean that she is emotive. But if it bothers you, ask. I told people at work once that I cry easily. My eyes leak, dammit. That's it. It doesn't mean I'm devastated or weak. Don't make a big deal. It's just how I'm built. It'll pass. Also, consider that your story is genuinely devastating, and you might have coped by dissociating... And that you might at some point feel something stronger about it as you heal.
Yes, especially the last paragraph. I'm a T and I sometimes well up at something before my client does. Often they don't realise how bad something was and it's 'just another story' from their life. It can be quite shocking to them. Similarly, I well up as the client is welling up too. Then they seem confused that I was teary, and I say that they were teary too... Then they are shocked and say they don't feel sad and didn't think they were crying. Even with tears on their cheeks. Point being, dissociation is very convincing - it needs to be - and interruptions to this process can feel too threatening.
It's a sign that she has strong empathy and compassion for what you went through. A therapist isn't "inexperienced" for having a reaction to your pain. It means they are human and fully present with you and your experience while you are speaking. Sometimes I think therapists can't win. They either show too much emotion or too little. They agree too much or are too oppositional. They're either too touchy feely and creepy or too aloof. I'm not sure where "just right" falls, but what you're talking about here is in no way abnormal for HUMANS when they're fully engaged and hearing about human suffering.
Yeah, and honestly people’s reaction or resistance to a therapist is often great grist for the mill! Maybe OP has trouble feeling the weight of their trauma history, could be interesting to explore in session
> Sometimes I think therapists can't win. When a person goes to therapy the first few times they're in an unfamiliar environment and it's human to be wary of everything that happens. OP would probably have reacted similarly if the therapist were stoic as well. Remember, we rationalize how we feel. If OP is insecure that's their mind finding reasons to justify sharing less. It's a defense mechanism. It's nobody's fault, it just is.
You said this very well, I agree completely
My therapist did this, and for me this was actually very comforting and validating. For the first time ever I felt like what happened to me actually mattered and that if someone responded so emotionally, it clearly was as bad as what I had thought in my head but had been convinced that it wasn’t. I needed that emotional response, so I didn’t see it as a bad thing. It’s not a bad thing either - but it’s okay if it doesn’t work for you. There are some therapists who will never get emotional and others who will, it’s a personal thing. Also I guess some stories may hit some people harder for different reasons, they are only human and might have been through some stuff too. It’s not a sign of inexperience, just people having different personalities and conducting their work differently too. If it’s a problem for you that’s okay! You can either talk to her about it or choose to go for someone else, either option is fine
When your therapist did this, did you ever talk about how felt about their emotional response?
Therapists are human, too. She could be more of an empath. Many empaths find themselves in careers like that. It doesn't mean she won't be able to deliver what you need when the time comes.
The therapist could be modeling appropriate display of emotion for you. Often those of us who have gone through trauma weren’t allowed/safe enough to display these emotions. It’s okay to feel uncomfortable. I believe this is your body saying “hey we’re not supposed to cry about this.” But she’s providing a corrective experience for you. Maybe the hope is that you start to work on connecting to your emotions by allowing your body to feel them. -also a therapist
I get teary eyed when I hear some of my clients stories, especially if they are genuine and authentic. If you have a high degree of sensitivity, you may need to put extra effort into regulating your nervous system and sometimes it means shifting your attention spotlight to that instead of connecting to the person in front of you. Bring it out in your next session and try finding out why do you see it as something odd?
Some therapists show their emotions more than others. Let her know how you felt, and talk about this with her. If you feel like she’s good for other reasons, then perhaps you can resolve this issue (either you can understand that she’s fine and just cries easily, or she can restrain her emotions better, or another solution).
That would make me feel really safe in that space because I know I’m being listened to and cared about.♥️
Therapist here. I cried with a client recently for the first time since I started practicing 3 years ago. I checked in with how they felt about it afterwards and we explored what it meant relationally for us. It’s always important to do that. Maybe you could let her know how it felt to you. Some people aren’t at a place where it feels safe for a therapist to respond that way. Some people need to feel much more sturdily held with their trauma and not feel as though they are too much for their therapist to handle. It’s important she knows this. I’m surprised she didn’t explore how it was for you.
This is the best answer
I think she’s still human.
My last therapist was a crier, literally from the first day we worked together. It didn't bother me at all, but I can also see how it could make someone else uncomfortable. Granted, it was usually just her becoming tearful, and sometimes we'd tear up together, and it always felt supportive to me, like my emotions around a situation were warranted. If it continues, or it continues to bother you, don't hesitate to speak up about it.
Empathy is I think one of the most powerful skills in this role. I want to be able to walk with you - hear you- experience with you. However I do not want to deter your own reactions / process nor do I want you to worry about me more than yourself in the setting. There could be many reasons that was their reaction. If you’re comfortable maybe try meeting again and see how you feel. Another thought is maybe seeing a reaction to your story where you do not get emotional about it (nothing wrong with that by the way - everyone has their way) can be beneficial in exploring how you do process now and if there is room for those emotions to come out. Albeit doesn’t have to be crying but there is a lot of power in release
“I would, however, occasionally look up at Ruth’s face. And to my surprise, tears would be collecting in her eyes as she listened. This may seem hard to grasp, but those tears were not hers. They were mine. At the time I didn’t understand. But that’s how therapy works. A patient delegates his unacceptable feelings to his therapist: and she holds everything he is afraid to feel, and she feels it for him. And then, ever so slowly, she feeds his feelings back to him. As Ruth fed mine back to me.” - from the Silent Patient
Oh man, can relate. This has happened to me with almost every therapist I’ve seen - thanks intrafamilial torture! On a more serious note, I’ll offer my perspective in case any of it resonates with you. That reaction from therapists helped me start to grasp that what I experienced growing up truly wasn’t normal. Before seeing that, I had assumed that what I survived really “wasn’t that bad” or that when things upset me, I was “just being dramatic”. When I started viewing that reaction as an invitation for me to reconsider the gravity of what I’m sharing, it really opened up a juicy and very emotional part of the work. And, perhaps even more importantly, seeing a therapist have that reaction to what I survived really brought home that it wasn’t okay for anyone to treat any version of myself (young, old, tired, joyful, etc) that way. This then helped me gather the courage to set boundaries with people I still had in my life who were still treating me that way. This is another juicy part of the work that comes with a beautiful payout (only having people in my orbit that are kind & open-hearted). A couple times, hearing what I survived overwhelmed the therapist I was working with. The next step for me was having an honest conversation with them about how they felt about their capacity to hold space for my trauma, being sure to communicate that what I had overwhelmed them with was just the tip of the iceberg. Each time, they referred me out to more experienced/specialized trauma therapists that ended up being much better fits. This might be a route to consider as well!
I’ll echo others and say this def isn’t necessarily a sign of being inexperienced, but it MAY be a sign that they aren’t a fit for you. And it’s okay if that’s true! For some people, having a therapist cry is very healing and for others it feels invalidating (esp if they haven’t gotten the chance to rly process it yet and they’re not crying themselves) Talk about it with them and let them know how it made you feel if you feel able to do so. I wish they would’ve brought it up to you to process with them when it happened!
If it truly bothers you, I would let her know and have a conversation about it. Personally, as someone who like many have sadly dealt with trauma, having someone respond that way has helped me understand that it was wrong the way I was treated/went through. Many times folks who go through trauma don’t realize how traumatic something they went through was and how it was wrong. Allowing others to show their emotions can be helpful in modeling healthy emotions but also allowing space for the person to possibly process it easier. Either way do what’s best for you! It’s your treatment and your health!
Alright OP, I'm a therapist and I'll be honest - I've done this before with a newer client and they felt the same way (concerned I wouldn't be able to handle even worse trauma). Want you to know it's not because we can't handle it, it's because we feel so much empathy and compassion for you going through such horrific pain. I'll admit I was also experiencing PMS so my hormones really exacerbated my tears :D
That’s kinda sweet actually. You never really know if the person you’re bearing your soul to actually cares or just knows the right things to say and is just waiting to clock out. Kinda nice to know she hasn’t been hardened or desensitized out of her empathy.
it happened to me once. it took me by surprise because I usually underestimate my trauma. it didn't happen again aftwards so i stayed.
Some therapists are more emotional. She didn’t do anything wrong but it is completely valid if you don’t want to see her anymore after. If you think that it will make it difficult to work with her, nothing wrong with seeking out someone new.
I’ve had two therapists and I’ve made both of them cry. I feel reassured that they understand the depth of my feeling, and I find it helpful to be reminded that they are human too.
I'm guessing that your therapist can handle it. It simply shows that what you went through is a big deal. Peace to you.
I would be incredibly uncomfortable if a therapist started crying after I had only seen them a few times. Is she crying every time she talks to a patient about trauma? That doesn’t seem sustainable. I don’t want to feel like I need to take care of her feelings. I take care of people for my job and I need to go to therapy and not worry about her. I need to trust that she can manage her own emotions. I’ve been able to make progress because my therapist always has herself handled. If she’s tearing up in the second session how she going to handle it once you both have a deeper rapport? In the end it’s up to you but I would want to have a serious talk with her before continuing with her.
I’ve made Therapist cry before, at the time I didn’t give it a second thought though it did surprise me, in my opinion it is absolutely OK if a therapist cries I’ve had several therapist in my life and the best one I ever had was the only one that cried. In my experience She was very engaged in our sessions and asked me the questions that stumped me and really made me think. I wish!, I still had her as a therapist. She ended up breaking away from her employer, and pursued her own business with mental health an in effort to help people more effectively.
At the end of the day, a therapist is still a person. They have gone through training and they know different psychological techniques that they can use, but they are person with a heart and clearly your story deeply touch them. If them crying made you feel uncomfortable I would recommend bringing it up in session But I don’t think that it’s a sign that like you shouldn’t share your trauma it might even be like an opportunity for you to practice feeling comfortable with someone showing Karen compassion for you. Because something I’ve actually heard from people who’ve experienced a lot of trauma is that when people are nice to them they actually have like a sense of repellent, or like disgust becuase they are used to bad treatment. Just a thought, so I guess overall what I’m saying is I think that it is normal for therapist to cry when they hear really difficult stories like that not all of them do but some do and it’s totally normal.
Therapist are for sure human but I know I couldn’t handle my therapist crying when I’m talking about my trauma. I seem to get emotional easily, like horrible news stories make me cry, people having losses on shows I watch etc. I know it’s linked to my own trauma and I’m in therapy working through it, you should definitely address it with your therapist if you want to continue with that therapist, if it’s something she can’t help then it is what it is but if it’s going to affect your therapy then you probably need to find another therapist.
Therapist here. At this stage if I started with a new therapist and this was their response I would probably move on. I need someone to be non-reactive to me sharing things(and I seek out analytically trained therapists for this reason) I don’t want my therapist to be aloof or cold, nor am I with patients, but being kind, while also fully taking care of my emotions and not acting them out has been a very important practice for my personal needs and my values as a therapist. I got really tired of small comments, sighs, shocked faces, gasps, even cursing etc. I get that from my friends. It took me out of processing and exploration and into caring for them… which is exactly what I need to practice NOT doing. I received all sorts of reactions to any emotion I showed as a child, so now I NEED space where I can just BE and not have to engage with the therapist’s emotions about what I am sharing. Keeping my emotions teathered firmly to MYSELF is how I practice as a therapist. Everyone needs different things and wants different types of support. Again, many people really need a therapist to be expressive and emotive… but that is not everyone!
I had this happen to me twice and it took years for me to actually address my traumas in therapy again. I hadn't even cried about it yet. Compassion is a great trait for a therapist. Having an emotional response to the trauma of someone you've spent less than 2 hours with just seems like unhealthy boundaries. This would be a hard pass for me with a new therapist.
Can you elaborate on the unhealthy boundaries comment? If the therapist isn’t sharing their own history, elaborating on their reactions and trying to make the client feel responsible for them, or telling the client how to feel I’m not sure what boundary is being crossed? Having a genuine reaction that isn’t over the top doesn’t seem like a boundary violation to me so I’m curious.
I mean boundary in terms of "this is not my pain". There are varying levels of empathy but we all have it (ETA that yes I know some people don't have it but I'm not including them because they arent relevant to this question and response). Movies and hallmark commercials that are designed to tug the heartstrings cause many to cry. A loved one telling you about something that's causing them pain may cause heartache because we hate to see loved ones suffer. Reading or hearing an interview with someone who has been through an experience that you really identify with may cause emotions that are at least partially about your experience(collective you, not you specifically). But as a therapist, strong boundaries are needed so you don't take on all that pain. It's that whole thing where we put on our oxygen masks before securing others'. It's also why I get bothered by people who call themselves empaths and talk about how other people's feelings overwhelm their ability to function. That's not healthy and shouldn't ever be spoken of like a good thing, ya know? Like please get some help for that because that line between this is your pain and this is my pain is nonexistent and that's no way to live. In any case, how any of us emote in relation to our empathy is our own thing, but when you're the therapist, your responses are very powerful messages, and having a tearful response to a new patient who you haven't developed a relationship with yet feels (to me) like that line is not strong enough. I'm sure there are many clients who would react to a therapist's tearful response with a feeling that their trauma is so bad that it causes other people pain, and then in the worst case outcome, they feel like they shouldn't talk about it. I say I'm sure because that was my experience and because I've seen and heard a variation of this person's post quite a few times, particularly when I was a volunteer peer support at a suicide respite. A therapist who has worked with you for a long time having this brief reaction would be way different than someone in a second session. Therapists should still be pretty blank slates that early on as they evaluate what their new patient responds to. So many of us who end up in therapy were repeatedly told to stop crying or had our emotions invalidated or never learned to self soothe. Fortunately everyone is more informed now about validation and how unhealthy stuffing is, but i think we've still got plenty of years of people who are highly judgmental about their own feelings, and I don't think that's something that would be obvious after one session. Displaying vulnerability can be a huge challenge for people coming to therapy, because we were routinely judged for it, or becauseour parents were still doing the whole "I'll give you a reason to cry" thing. Even if this response is not a negative judgment of the patient's feelings, disclosing a trauma and having someone who barely knows you cry over it isn't guaranteed to present as compassion to someone who's never been responded to with compassion. Sorry that was so long but I felt like it was necessary to properly explain my POV and not just sound like a judgy AH. 🤣🤣
> Now idk if i’ll feel comfortable sharing even worse trauma. Would you be if she acted differently? Or better question, what kind of reaction do you think would have made you be comfortable to? I think when it comes to trauma it's natural to **not** feel comfortable sharing. One goal of therapy is, over time, build enough trust so that we can share things we feel uncomfortable sharing. I would suggest sharing this thought process of yours with her, it might be worth exploring.
Crying is a natural reaction of release. If it bothered you bring it up in therapy.