I'm so sorry for all of you. Unfortunately it really does sound like professional help is what is needed here. Also what about local support groups and similar?
It's a tough one, OP, but hope you and your partner find the tools and supports to help the kids, especially the 11-y.o.
Kuddos to you; as you can see, many would simply wash their hands off this. 💛
However, you and your partner need to support *each other* and have some personal space / breaks, every now and then, in order to be in the best position to help the kids.
Best wishes... x
Can CASA provide any leads that can be helpful for kids who aren’t in the juvenile dependence system but have most caretakers due to abuse?
Online support groups, telehealth, etc?
This is hard to tell - is your friend seeing the forest for the trees, and you're just so deep in, you can't? Telling a friend something they don't want to hear is really hard, and she may realize she's risking your whole friendship over this - but she feels she *needs* to help.
Or.
You're doing the right thing here and helping a kid who's clearly been through some shit, not to mention supporting your partner in this struggle.
Your instinct to want to be a good human is not wrong (thank God for people like you). Your friend is either a real one - or a real asshole. You haven't given the full story here - fair! - But you're being a little combative to anyone siding with your friend. So I'm worried about what you've left out.
Am I the only one that is asking myself what kind of a father allows his children to be abused for so long and does not intervene? Why did the father not know his children are being abused? Our role as parents is to protect our children.
Idk what the situation is here... but I have seen the court system fail children over and over and over again. I would not be surprised if a judge ruled this... op says kids reported abuse several times before the system finally responded.
>Am I the only one that is asking myself what kind of a father allows his children to be abused for so long and does not intervene? Why did the father not know his children are being abused? Our role as parents is to protect our children.
Sadly, it happens a lot. My own husband had no idea that his daughter (an autistic adult) was being abused by her former step dad because they hid it so well and told the daughter that they would kill her if she told anyone - his daughter hasn't got a mean bone in her body and was terrified to show that there was a problem. We started to notice weight dropping off her at an alarming rate and she was constantly complaining about toothache issues and UTIs. At this point was when we realised something was up and set the ball in motion to report it. It took three fucking years, despite NUMEROUS medical and witness statements in her favour, for the police and Adult Services to get that girl into a safe house. My regret was we didn't have any place for her to stay even temporarily during this time.
Thankfully she has been safe for over several years now and is very healthy and happy. CuntFace step-dad did a 6 year stretch inside. Finally some justice was served. My husband still wants to smash the fuck out of him if he sees him, but I'm not going to let him risk going to jail for assault on a piece of shit like the step-dad.
I thought that too. Especially with OP saying the kids went to teachers multiple times, and they weren’t “blindsided by the news” - it makes it seem like they had prior knowledge about it.
I wondered this to, but as a child who has been abused in many fashions who has a wonderful dad, trust me its not that simple.
I wonder out of empathy, not judgement. You should really check that at the door so to speak.
Have the school evaluate him for a behavioral IEP they have to test him and evaluate what sets his bad behavior off. If he continues having issues seek out a pediatrician that specializes in behavioral medicine or a Child psychologist. Also the kids should be in therapy to work thru the feelings and issues caused by the abuse.
I sincerely pray for healing for you, your partner, these children, and even the abusers. It’s so nice to hear that you care enough to try to make a difference. The kids feel your love, even if they don’t know how to show it. Keep being a good person but make sure you’re also prioritizing your own mental health and getting the space you need. I had a Christian therapist who used to always tell me, “you might be the only Bible someone ever reads, so always do the right thing and have integrity.”
The discipline aspect is important. This child will learn that he can use his past of abuse as a crutch and will never develop good manners or boundaries.
You must provide structure with rules, rewards, punishments, goals and love. If you do not punish his misbehavior he will lean into it and you will just have increasingly difficult fights and behavioral issues with him. Maybe not militaristic discipline however discipline should absolutely be a facet here.
Despite what children think in the moment- structure provides a sense of safety, rules provide a sense of regulation, rewards display pride in attaining milestones and reaching goals while punishment highlights what needs to be improved and don't forget to push the child towards goals. 2 days with no meltdown, 4 days no meltdown, 7 days no meltdown. Reward. Next time its 2 weeks until reward. You get the idea.
Your friend is a hypocrite and plain old MEAN. To say that a traumatized child can never get better is just so mean spirited. I’m actually shocked that someone would compare a shitty adult partner with a child and say that the adult can be forgiven but a child can’t.
The military style approach is crazy too. I wouldn’t even do that for non-trauamatized childen. The only takeaway from the approach that could work is the sense of structure throughout the day, but I assume she was talking about the military approach for punishments.
There is a lot of missing information here. It sounds like CPS was involved and didn’t remove the kids until recently but did your husband pursue custody? There is a very high bar for CPS to remove kids but a much lower bar for a father to get primary custody. Also, have you been complaining about your husband to your friend? It’s hard to watch loved ones in an abusive situation and to sit back and say nothing. You need to engage in service over tele-health if there is nothing locally.
You’re a live in maid for that tribe. Don’t burden yourself with other peoples mistakes. Get out of this relationship and move forward, not backward in life.
No I'd unburden yourself from a unhelpful friend who's just a burden to you, go low contact. Just be patient with the kiddo and find what works with them, tell them hurting others isn't okay and maybe get them a little safe space because they might be overwhelmed and need a way to separate abit.
Most city’s have a free early child outreach counselling for free. The United Way in Canada funds a number of programs, via 3rd party non profits. Look around for that for your family. You should be able to chat with family services to see if they have resources, or the kids schools.
Stability and love tend to work best to break the cycle, but it takes work. My partner used to do this kind of work, with kids that had been taken away from abusive environments. Parents also need help, do not forget you in all this.
Wow, that is a truck load of stuff for you to take on, kudos to you and your partner for not abandoning those kids.
I hope you both are in therapy too because this affects the dynamics for all of you. Please hang on in there. The son has had 11 years of abuse and terrible learned-patterns, those will not be rectified in the space of a few months. At the moment, you guys are the only stabilising factor in his life as he navigates his trauma.
Your friend can STFU and mind her own business. In fact, she needs to get her own ducks in a row before wading in on your problems. How dare she say that the 11 yo is basically a write-off! I feel sorry for her own kid with a mother who has an attitude like that.
I obviously don’t know your BFF, so I’m hoping she’s coming from a place of love and concern for you. But her message isn’t particularly helpful or supportive, and right now it seems like you might not have the mental bandwidth to deal with this from her. You don’t have to end the friendship, but maybe while you’re in the throes of the most difficult parts of this new family dynamic, while you’re slugging it out in the trenches of helping an 11YO boy heal from the physical abuse of his mother, you turn down the volume on your BFF’s unhelpful commentary. You can back burner this friendship and go back to it when you get through to the other side. It didn’t have to be a big dramatic announcement or argument or anything like that. Just stop and slow down. Slow down on responding to her calls or texts, and stop meeting up with her in person. You can do it at your own pace — a gradual tapering off or a cold turkey cut off — it’s totally up to you. GL.
I'm normally an advocate for divorce but not here. Your friend is completely wrong on how to help a traumatized child. You and your partner are stressed but not toxic. It is a challenging time indeed. You do need support... perhaps search online support groups with experience and guidance on helping children with these traumas. Also consider therapy not just for the kids, but yourself and your husband.
Some people are very simplistic thinkers. They can not every go past one level in their thought processes. They see bad behaviour from a child, and think the solution is discipline, instead of looking for the cause of that behaviour. They see people as either good or evil, and can't imagine that perhaps the world is more complex than that. She sounds like that type.
Bravo on you and your partner for looking for help and having a therapist, I hope you can find more help.
I'm so sorry for all of you. Unfortunately it really does sound like professional help is what is needed here. Also what about local support groups and similar?
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What a about online support for him, virtual therapy
It's a tough one, OP, but hope you and your partner find the tools and supports to help the kids, especially the 11-y.o. Kuddos to you; as you can see, many would simply wash their hands off this. 💛 However, you and your partner need to support *each other* and have some personal space / breaks, every now and then, in order to be in the best position to help the kids. Best wishes... x
Can CASA provide any leads that can be helpful for kids who aren’t in the juvenile dependence system but have most caretakers due to abuse? Online support groups, telehealth, etc?
This is hard to tell - is your friend seeing the forest for the trees, and you're just so deep in, you can't? Telling a friend something they don't want to hear is really hard, and she may realize she's risking your whole friendship over this - but she feels she *needs* to help. Or. You're doing the right thing here and helping a kid who's clearly been through some shit, not to mention supporting your partner in this struggle. Your instinct to want to be a good human is not wrong (thank God for people like you). Your friend is either a real one - or a real asshole. You haven't given the full story here - fair! - But you're being a little combative to anyone siding with your friend. So I'm worried about what you've left out.
The friend's solution to the traumatised 11 year-old is... military-style discipline. And you still think she's being a good friend/person? Hahahaha.
Am I the only one that is asking myself what kind of a father allows his children to be abused for so long and does not intervene? Why did the father not know his children are being abused? Our role as parents is to protect our children.
Idk what the situation is here... but I have seen the court system fail children over and over and over again. I would not be surprised if a judge ruled this... op says kids reported abuse several times before the system finally responded.
>Am I the only one that is asking myself what kind of a father allows his children to be abused for so long and does not intervene? Why did the father not know his children are being abused? Our role as parents is to protect our children. Sadly, it happens a lot. My own husband had no idea that his daughter (an autistic adult) was being abused by her former step dad because they hid it so well and told the daughter that they would kill her if she told anyone - his daughter hasn't got a mean bone in her body and was terrified to show that there was a problem. We started to notice weight dropping off her at an alarming rate and she was constantly complaining about toothache issues and UTIs. At this point was when we realised something was up and set the ball in motion to report it. It took three fucking years, despite NUMEROUS medical and witness statements in her favour, for the police and Adult Services to get that girl into a safe house. My regret was we didn't have any place for her to stay even temporarily during this time. Thankfully she has been safe for over several years now and is very healthy and happy. CuntFace step-dad did a 6 year stretch inside. Finally some justice was served. My husband still wants to smash the fuck out of him if he sees him, but I'm not going to let him risk going to jail for assault on a piece of shit like the step-dad.
I thought that too. Especially with OP saying the kids went to teachers multiple times, and they weren’t “blindsided by the news” - it makes it seem like they had prior knowledge about it.
I wondered this to, but as a child who has been abused in many fashions who has a wonderful dad, trust me its not that simple. I wonder out of empathy, not judgement. You should really check that at the door so to speak.
Discipline isn’t punishment. ALL humans need some form of discipline, it just might look different to these ones
Have the school evaluate him for a behavioral IEP they have to test him and evaluate what sets his bad behavior off. If he continues having issues seek out a pediatrician that specializes in behavioral medicine or a Child psychologist. Also the kids should be in therapy to work thru the feelings and issues caused by the abuse.
I sincerely pray for healing for you, your partner, these children, and even the abusers. It’s so nice to hear that you care enough to try to make a difference. The kids feel your love, even if they don’t know how to show it. Keep being a good person but make sure you’re also prioritizing your own mental health and getting the space you need. I had a Christian therapist who used to always tell me, “you might be the only Bible someone ever reads, so always do the right thing and have integrity.”
The discipline aspect is important. This child will learn that he can use his past of abuse as a crutch and will never develop good manners or boundaries. You must provide structure with rules, rewards, punishments, goals and love. If you do not punish his misbehavior he will lean into it and you will just have increasingly difficult fights and behavioral issues with him. Maybe not militaristic discipline however discipline should absolutely be a facet here. Despite what children think in the moment- structure provides a sense of safety, rules provide a sense of regulation, rewards display pride in attaining milestones and reaching goals while punishment highlights what needs to be improved and don't forget to push the child towards goals. 2 days with no meltdown, 4 days no meltdown, 7 days no meltdown. Reward. Next time its 2 weeks until reward. You get the idea.
Your friend is a hypocrite and plain old MEAN. To say that a traumatized child can never get better is just so mean spirited. I’m actually shocked that someone would compare a shitty adult partner with a child and say that the adult can be forgiven but a child can’t. The military style approach is crazy too. I wouldn’t even do that for non-trauamatized childen. The only takeaway from the approach that could work is the sense of structure throughout the day, but I assume she was talking about the military approach for punishments.
I would put some distance between you and your friend if she can’t keep her unwanted opinions to herself.
There is a lot of missing information here. It sounds like CPS was involved and didn’t remove the kids until recently but did your husband pursue custody? There is a very high bar for CPS to remove kids but a much lower bar for a father to get primary custody. Also, have you been complaining about your husband to your friend? It’s hard to watch loved ones in an abusive situation and to sit back and say nothing. You need to engage in service over tele-health if there is nothing locally.
You’re a live in maid for that tribe. Don’t burden yourself with other peoples mistakes. Get out of this relationship and move forward, not backward in life.
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No I'd unburden yourself from a unhelpful friend who's just a burden to you, go low contact. Just be patient with the kiddo and find what works with them, tell them hurting others isn't okay and maybe get them a little safe space because they might be overwhelmed and need a way to separate abit.
… tell me you don’t understand what a committed relationship is without telling me 🙄
Exactly. I can’t believe someone would willingly spend her life in that way…
Most city’s have a free early child outreach counselling for free. The United Way in Canada funds a number of programs, via 3rd party non profits. Look around for that for your family. You should be able to chat with family services to see if they have resources, or the kids schools. Stability and love tend to work best to break the cycle, but it takes work. My partner used to do this kind of work, with kids that had been taken away from abusive environments. Parents also need help, do not forget you in all this.
“Friend” seems a bit subjective in this case. If social services were involved that may be a good place to find free resources.
Wow, that is a truck load of stuff for you to take on, kudos to you and your partner for not abandoning those kids. I hope you both are in therapy too because this affects the dynamics for all of you. Please hang on in there. The son has had 11 years of abuse and terrible learned-patterns, those will not be rectified in the space of a few months. At the moment, you guys are the only stabilising factor in his life as he navigates his trauma. Your friend can STFU and mind her own business. In fact, she needs to get her own ducks in a row before wading in on your problems. How dare she say that the 11 yo is basically a write-off! I feel sorry for her own kid with a mother who has an attitude like that.
I obviously don’t know your BFF, so I’m hoping she’s coming from a place of love and concern for you. But her message isn’t particularly helpful or supportive, and right now it seems like you might not have the mental bandwidth to deal with this from her. You don’t have to end the friendship, but maybe while you’re in the throes of the most difficult parts of this new family dynamic, while you’re slugging it out in the trenches of helping an 11YO boy heal from the physical abuse of his mother, you turn down the volume on your BFF’s unhelpful commentary. You can back burner this friendship and go back to it when you get through to the other side. It didn’t have to be a big dramatic announcement or argument or anything like that. Just stop and slow down. Slow down on responding to her calls or texts, and stop meeting up with her in person. You can do it at your own pace — a gradual tapering off or a cold turkey cut off — it’s totally up to you. GL.
Is your partner doing the majority of the parenting or at least his fair share?
I'm normally an advocate for divorce but not here. Your friend is completely wrong on how to help a traumatized child. You and your partner are stressed but not toxic. It is a challenging time indeed. You do need support... perhaps search online support groups with experience and guidance on helping children with these traumas. Also consider therapy not just for the kids, but yourself and your husband.
Some people are very simplistic thinkers. They can not every go past one level in their thought processes. They see bad behaviour from a child, and think the solution is discipline, instead of looking for the cause of that behaviour. They see people as either good or evil, and can't imagine that perhaps the world is more complex than that. She sounds like that type. Bravo on you and your partner for looking for help and having a therapist, I hope you can find more help.
New friend required
Your friend is no friend at all.