It's a reportable STD. Try to contact your doctor or local health division and tell them that your partner is unwilling to acknowledge, get checked, and admit he gave it to you. You tell them that you know he's sexualy active outside of your marriage, and you fear he's spreading this to others without their knowledge or consent. Just like he did to you.
I would also contact a devorce lawyer just in case they have any recommendations on how to best handle the situation.
Good luck
Thank you for this advice. I do plan on divorcing him and when I contact a lawyer and get that process going I plan on taking him to the cleaners for this. I’m not one to cause unnecessary trouble or drama, but I could have died. I have two children who need a mother and he didn’t think about that at all. I’ve never been more disgusted with another human being.
It isn't "unnecessary drama" to report a health hazard like this. If YOU could have died, so can the women your husband is fucking behind your back. He's a health hazard to the general public.
I could’ve sworn I’ve read or heard somewhere that this is a disease that medical personnel report to thehealth department. The health department actually follows up with getting the names and contact information of sexual contacts and will call each person but that could’ve been a different policy different years ago.
The health department does follow-up on notifying the sexual partners of the person with the STD. Unfortunately, they have to rely on the infected person to give them a list of all their sexual contacts. This woman’s husband either did not list his wife or told the health care worker handling his case that he would notify her himself.
Other bad news: she should have her children tested as well, just in case.
Still more bad news: hurry up with the divorce and get everything you can quickly. I had a client who was sued civilly when one of his sexual partners got his health department notification. If OP’s husband gets sued, they could lose everything. Best for her not to be legally entangled with him in the event that happens.
PS - I’m a lawyer, but not your lawyer. Just throwing out random thoughts.
Right? Like the CDC usually picks up on rabies or ebola outbreaks, unless we disbanded the center for disease control.
Warning: More downerism
Maybe after people being belligerent about COVID they just gave up trying, like the FDA with pesticides and micro plastics
Also it looks like easily transmittable STDs and STIs can linger, even asymptomatically in the blood for decades. So "getting tested every few weeks" for the 1/10 testable viruses/bacteria is never enough, especially with multiple sexual partners or when working with children/elderly or immune compromised.
Such a delightful factoid for dinner parties and wedding toasts
Check your credit & bank stmts to check for any Dr or Clinic visits, hubby MAY HAVE gone for treatment & tried to keep it a secret from you!
Understand the family finances & make sure hubby can’t open any lines of credit in your name! Go thru the phone records & highlight in one color numbers you don’t recognize & highlight in a different color numbers hubby calls at odd hours or multiple times during the week!
Start a journal, it could help organize your thoughts & maybe help you recall some important details. Look for women support groups for victims of STD & Cheating Partners, it could help your process what you are going through! Enroll in a self defense class, practice the moves & just RAGE ON THE BAG!
Do people even call and text these days that would show up on a phone bill? Almost all of my calls and texts are via WhatsApp, Viber or Teams these days unless I'm talking to business or l someone I don't know. And I'm not *trying* to hide it. It's just convenient!
Certainly worth checking in case he's been sloppy but no trace doesn't mean no side-piece.
If they are on the same health insurance she can also check that to see if/when he was prescribed the medication for it as well. So she could know when he became aware of it himself & how long he knew the risk she faced and did nothing.
It could also give her a better timeline of where to look as far as who he was with & where prior to being treated & narrow it down better so she isn't looking at dates that she down at need to, since they've been together so many years.
I'm sure it's possible he hadn't had symptoms before this point so there is a chance it may not give her any useful information, but if he did & got treatment AND STILL SAID NOTHING that's another thing to add to the list for divorce or a possible lawsuit.
I could not imagine finding out I have an std (even if it were from being a pos cheater) and not telling my partner to make sure he doesn't have it also, especially one that CAN KILL YOU. Like cheaters are bad, but rolling the dice and not confessing so that they can get checked in hopes that maybe she didn't get it or if she did maybe she won't ever show symptoms so she won't know... that's a level of diabolical that I cannot fathom being. I don't care how much you are going to lose by confessing (you did it & knew it could come to light one day so the consequences had to have been something you were ok with) the idea that he'd risk her dying by not saying a thing (if he knew he had it) AND they have two kids that could lose their mom forever, like dude... do you not care about them being alive or dead at all or do you care about not being caught that much more you'd risk her dying for your selfish wants?
I WISH I had thought of the pharmacies & medication!! Op should look thru the phone bill for at least 5 years, the person who infected HUBBY may NOT HAVE BEEN the only one Hubby was playing with!!
If hubby was infected, received treatment EARLY but did not inform his wife, he SHOULD be charged with Child Endangerment, not only Can Syphilis Kill If Left Untreated BUT It Could Lead To Violent Behavior and It’s A MIRACLE THE WIFE DID NOT ABUSED OR KILL THE KIDS OR ANY FAMILY MEMBERS!!!
Syphilis is one of those STDs you might have to ask to get checked for. It’s not always standard with every clinic. Kaiser Permanente doesn’t automatically test for syphilis. I’ve had to ask for that test to be run.
It may not be standard for every clinic but it is standard that every woman is tested during each pregnancy for all known STIs (and herpes simplex 1 which isn’t technically an STI).
If OP is in the U.S. her local or state health department should be contacting her soon to start contact tracing, and she can name her husband then. Unfortunately, they won’t be able to divulge anything her husband fesses up to. I’d divorce, for sure.
Public Health Nurse here and this is definitely true. It is a pretty serious reportable infection that can cause neurological damage if not treated in a timely manner. Any positive that we have, they have to interview with a special case manager that only deals with syphilis and they inquire about sexual history/past partners and partners are then contacted and have to be scheduled for testing/treatment with us. They go so far as to link cases to each other as far down the line as it goes. God forbid there's a pregnancy involved due to syphilis being potentially fatal to babies.
Even if a patient tests positive somewhere else, they refer them to us so it may already be reported.
Divorce --- the heartbreak and cries that we have to hear sometimes is gut wrenching. Sending love 🥺🤞🏽
What is a reportable STD? And what exactly would OP accomplish from telling her doctor or local health division?
I can see how my comment may come across as snarky, but I assure you, I'm just genuinely curious.
Good question. Im glad you asked it.
Sexually transmitted diseases have to be reported to the State Health Department. It's the law. Public Health will track the disease and help people who have been exposed with meds, and with education to keep from spreading it. An outbreak is a big deal. Syphilis, Gonorrhea, AIDS and others used to kill people, and some are passed onto unborn babies who are born with terrible birth defects and life-long health problems.
some STDs you gotta tell the dr who you were with so that they can be contacted and tested and treated. I think it varies which STDs gotta be reported from state to state. But IIRC it’s Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Syphilis, and HIV. But it’s been awhile since I’ve taken a biology class. lol
The labs report positive results to the state/county. All states collect chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, and HIV data and report to the CDC. Many jurisdictions don't act on chlamydia or gonorrhea. Treatment confirmation and contact investigations are standard for HIV and syphilis. Funding and staffing can be tight depending on where you are.
I will also say that this is something tested for in the USA with each pregnancy. So if you were clean during pregnancy - then you contracted syphilis after your last child was born.
Many cheaters will gaslight and lie and deny even if you have 4K video and photos of them cheating. It’s bizarre, sociopathic behavior but sadly it’s not uncommon.
Yep, that’s my ex husband. There have been what I’m sure have been dozens and he will only admit to 4 or 5 bc I have actual proof. I have had many people tell me and send me pictures of him with random women, small town. One of them was over 24 years younger: disgusting. She could have been his child. One has confirmed genital herpes and rarely bathes and is a drug addict. You have no idea what kind of people he’s been with, especially if they gave him syphilis. Who knows how long this has been going on, I’m sorry this is happening to you. It’s is seriously the worst heartbreak I have ever felt.
Also, drug addicts.
My husband’s ex friend once straight up smoked tar heroin inside his car before coming into the house. My husband was literally watching him do it from the front window.
Friend walks in the door. Husband goes “dude. I just saw you smoke in your car.”
Friend goes “No. I didn’t do that.”
End of discussion.
It’s crazy the way people like this think. They will likely never admit to anything wrong that they do even with evidence.
I hope you are getting a divorce.
He risked your life. He is a monster for what he did to you.
Tell your family. Don’t keep it secret. It will backfire. You need support.
I really hope he gets his karma
I do plan on divorcing. This is an absolute dealbreaker to me. He lied to me, betrayed my trust, put my life at risk and threw away our family for nothing.
I’m fearful to tell my family but I will eventually. Right now I just want to be alone and try to accept this news. I understand that I’m going to need support through all of this.
Do it asap becuse he will try to tell people you know first and spin it in the way he wants to. Do not give him that chance!!
Last thing you need is people ganging up on you becuse you took to long to tell them and your soon to be ex husband got to them first
This hits home for me right now. Unfortunately this is absolutely a factor. Get your facts together and get things out in the open people who are open to cheating and lying are open to more cheating and lying 🤥
You are doing well by divorcing that piece of trash. He cheated on you, passed you an STD, and gaslighted you.
It's time to separate finances, get a lawyer to start divorcing, and fight for your rights. Don't have mercy on him because he doesn't care at all about your mental and physical well-being. He has already wasted years of your life, damaged your health, and is probably spending household money on her (check banking records and cut his access to your money).
Tell him that you will only accept talking to him if he goes with you to do an STD panel. However, don't give him more chances because he is a cheater and will continue cheating on you but hiding it better.
The fact that he isn't telling you anything makes me suspect that you know the AP and she is married.
You could also ask him to show his phone so that you could check it (check messages of all his contacts because he might have saved her number under a male name, phone call history, deleted messages, apps, location history, etc.). However, if he has some experience in cheating, he might already delete everything or keep a second phone in a place he knows you won't check, like his car or some place in the bathroom, etc.
You are so very lucky that this was caught. Majority people have no or minimal symptoms. I am so so sorry that this has happened. Do not hesitate to tell your family why.
This is the point where everyone reads your comment and goes, wow! Is she really not going to get ahead of this with all her friends and family before he gets to them first with his lying face? Girl, come on now.
Do NOT be ashamed or embarrassed. You did NOTHING wrong. This is all him! He destroyed your family, threw away your marriage, and put your health and even your life at risk. This man is worthless, he is disgusting, he is a danger, and he will continue to harm you through any avenue he can via loopholes you leave open for him to do so -- socially, financially, ANYTHING.
The other commenters are exactly right in that he will lie to everyone and try to spin the narrative and paint himself as a victim and you as the party who wronged him. THEY ALWAYS DO THIS. Tell everyone what he did!
You don't have to share your medical history with your family. It should be enough for them to know he was unfaithful
I think it would be really important to make sure you protect this information for your kids sake. God knows there's always at least one monster and every family and you don't want to be the person who gave them something they could use to hurt your kids
Well.the husband already gave the wife something that could have hurt a child if she had been pregnant .
His denial of wrongdoing and attack on his wife means he's already trying to say she was the cheater. He absolutely is going to blame her for everything . I doubt he's going to keep quiet if shifting the blame to his wife makes him out to be the injured party
Oh I'm sorry this has happened.
Take a step back, breath and maybe consult a therapist or trusted person on how to process all this.
Syphilis isn't a joke and could have been fatal if not caught. He needs to also get checked.
Good luck.
I would also invest in a private investigator, as having consistent photographic & possibly video graphic evidence would make a world of difference in such a case.
A good P.I is worth every penny in this kind of situation.
This is such a gen x take lol. You can iMessage or text without it showing up on an archaic phone bill that only records calls. Not to mention calls from apps. Fb messenger, WhatsApp etc
I get you want him to man up and be honest about what a pos he is and has been. However in the grand scheme of things it won’t help you process this. You KNOW he cheated. Worse, he gave you an std that could have killed you if you hadn’t figured it out in time and syphilis is a horrible way to go.
If I were you I’d act like you aren’t going to press the issue so his guard drops. Then find evidence of any and everything you can and find a lawyer and divorce him.
Very good and sound advice. I'd say play into his not lying/saying it's dormant get to his phone and get his ass with all of the details. Contact a bunch of lawyers and get advice from them as soon as possible. He will try to spin this to his advantage as much as he can, don't let him.
I’m in a local group called “is this your man?” on another social media platform and I realized recently that we shouldn’t be humiliated when we get cheated on. It’s not a reflection of us, our character, or our values. It’s a reflection of theirs. They’re the ones who look stupid, disgusting, and with no moral fiber. It’s not us. It’s them. I think most people can agree that the only person who it makes look bad is the cheater. I’m not saying go shout it on the rooftops for the whole community to know the status of your reproductive health, but I am saying, there’s no need to be embarrassed really, even though I know that’s easier said than done. My ex husband cheated on me for 6 months out of my pregnancy and 2 weeks before I gave birth he told me he was in love with his mistress and wanted to leave me…I was shocked, devastated. I’d given that man 10 years of my life. I birthed his children. At the end of the day, I am leaps and bounds better off than I was in my relationship with him. It was tough getting back on my feet. I financially struggled more than anything, but looking back I wish I hadn’t felt so stupid. The only stupid looking one was him.
I had a negative syphilis test while I was in between stage 1 and stage 2. Having never known about stage 1, due to never noticing a lesion. Stage two involved a flat red rash in my torso and a sore throat that would not go away or get worse . Just as I was deciding it was time to see a dr I got a call from the health dept telling me I had been exposed to syphilis. At this point it was 2 months since my negative test.
Apparently the usual syphilis test type done during routine screening has some percentage of false negatives, which is what I got.
Well. It can lie dormant but still, it has different phases and the physician should be able to tell the difference between the primary, secondary and so forth, because they are different. If I am remembering correctly, the sores come in the primary phase. So she was infected recently. If this is all true.
Also, y'all, syphilis is on the rise and with women, tje primary phase sometimes only produces a sore up in your vagina where it is hard to notice. So please, if you notice something unusual, take it seriously. And safe sex. And tests. You can cure syphilis in the earlier phases but if gets too far, it's pretty hard to cure and it will fuck you up, as we unfortunately know from history.
Yes, and even so, as a wife, she would have been entitled to know that he contracted syphilis a while ago. He would say look I've had it before so I don't know how this is possible, not just vehemently deny and run away from home. I think it was fresh
You don't need him to admit that the only way for him to get syphilis and give it to you is from somebody else.
You can just know that it's true.
And then you can go see your therapist
And you can come to an acceptance that he is a liar.
He lies every every single day to you
He manipulates you by pretending something obvious isn't true.
He undermines you and he causes you to question your own perceptions, which is what abusers do
You need to get out.
I did case investigation with syphilis notification. Since you had sores, he had to have given it to you about 3-6 weeks ago. Syphilis can lie dormant but it won't be symptomatic. Symptoms give you a timeline .
He's probably sleeping with men. That's why he's denying it even though he's caught. 80% of men reported with primary or secondary syphilis (P&S) and known gender of sex partners were MSM. According to CBS News, the national rate of early stage syphilis in gay and bisexual men is 106 times higher than the rate among heterosexual men.
Just saying. Coming from a place of experience
Syphilis is prone to misinformation. If you've developed sores recently, you've likely been infected recently. The infectious period is when someone is early in their infection (less than a year, usually) so if it was passed to you recently, he likely acquired it recently as well.
He is stonewalling you. It can lay dormant for years but only after it starts exactly as you describe with sores. Have you at any stage noticed he had sores or did he block you from sexual contact for a few weeks? In this initial stage these sores show up within 10 to 90 days on infection. So it’s very possible it’s from recent sexual contact.
Unfortunately, that's true. He clearly didn't respect you enough not to cheat. Why would he respect you enough to be honest? Take the trash out and take him to the cleaners to boot.
Cheaters are liars by the way and they will cheat again so this is part for the course for a cheater because if he denies it enough, he’s hoping somehow will go away. And it will I would immediately go to the bank. Take your name off the credit cards move half of the savings to a private account. Then I would go to an attorney and get divorce papers and serve him and say the marriage is over.
That’s what I would do in this situation. I’m sure it’s much more complicated when it comes to property and let the attorneys deal with that. Dealbreaker for me in fact I got syphilis. He’s been doing it a long time.
That’s absolutely terrible!!
I’m really sorry to hear that. My wife’s ex husband caught herpes prior to their divorce…but she found out he’d contracted it before they were able to be inmate again…so she narrowly avoided having it.
Hopefully you’re able to find a treatment for it and move on from the trauma of knowing your husband didn’t respect you or your marriage enough to come clean.
Is it possible he is homosexual outside of the marriage? It may be contributing to his reluctance to confess where it came from, also there is a higher rate of syphilis in that community. Either way he put you at risk.
Perhaps check his maps history and see if he frequents gay " beats" as they are called in my country, parks, public toilets etc where men meet to get it on with each other. Often married (closet gay) men that want anonymous sex. If you go to these places you will be shocked how many cars with baby seats are in the car park.
My POS grandfather gave my precious grandma syphilis. She didn’t die from it, but she lost all her hair because of it and it never grew back.
He cheated on you. That’s why he won’t speak to you or even look at you. He’s guilty as fuck.
I’m so so sorry, OP. You must be absolutely devastated and blindsided by this. He is either in a shame spiral and can’t bear to acknowledge what he’s done or he has zero remorse.
Either way, he risked your life and that’s unforgivable, to do that to anyone, particularly the mother of his children, is mind-boggling.
I’m afraid some horrendous things happen in life that we simply cannot come back from and this is one of them. The shame is all his he’s really shown his true colours. He had the capacity to betray, you so terribly, in him, all along. You must be feeding you’ve been married all this time to a stranger.
Of course you know exactly what you need to do, but that doesn’t make it any less painful. Please take care of yourself, eat well, drink water and get as much sleep as possible. You will be feeling traumatised and I certainly would suggest getting some individual counselling to help you through this ordeal.
UPDATEME
If you received obgyn care in the US for your pregnancies you were likely tested during both for syphilis and other STDs. It's part of the routine labs. I'm sorry he's done this to you.
I got an std from a guy I was dating years ago. We both got tested beforehand, or so I thought, and he said he wasn’t sleeping with anyone else. All lies. He most certainly was sleeping with others… including his other girlfriend and more on the side. He gaslit me for weeks and kept accusing me of cheating on him. It was one of the worst things I’ve been through. The doctor shamed me more than I ever thought a professional would. I felt dirty and alone because I couldn’t tell anyone. The gaslighting was the worst part, I’ve never felt so cornered into a wall on something and didn’t know how to defend myself. People can be heartless and selfish. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Make sure to confide in trusting people. Most of all, be kind to yourself.
There have been a LOT of really supportive comments and helpful advice here. But I have a tiny bit of a similar experience with my ex husband.
Like you I had “saved” myself for marriage. My ex husband and I married when I was 19 and he was in his early to mid 30s. My only concern in our age gap was that he be tested before we were intimate. I offered to get tested myself as well even though I knew I hadn’t been with anyone. I just thought it was fair. He said he had a test done and he was clear, I showed him mine. I didn’t have any reason to disbelieve him. But it turns out he was never tested. It came out years later after we’d been married for some time because I kept getting sores on my vulva. He admitted he had lied about being tested but he justified it saying he was sure he was “clean”. But then I developed what looked like herpes and he admitted his lies and helped me get an appointment with an STI clinic. It turns out I was just allergic to latex and didn’t have herpes. But for days, weeks, months after finding out he lied I felt this sick hollow pit in my stomach constantly, every waking hour. In my dreams I would dream of being betrayed. I felt like the entire relationship had been a lie because it was built on a lie. And maybe it doesn’t seem like a big deal but it was to me. I felt like I had been taken advantage of. I trusted him, and the one thing I asked of him he didn’t do and then lied about it. I didn’t realise it at the time but that was the beginning of the end of our marriage.
OP, he might not have cheated but he still betrayed you and the fact that he won’t come clean (no pun intended) even now tells you all you need to know. I’m so sorry.
There’s been a surge in syphilis since COVID. One hypothesis is that the immune suppression following acute COVID infection may increase the reactivation of latent syphilis, in the same way that latent TB and viruses such as HSV, VZV, CMV and EBV are reactivated following COVID infection.
You’re correct and I’m aware that syphilis can lay dormant for years. He absolutely did not have it prior.
I saved my virginity for marriage but my husband did not. I was fine with this as long as he got tested and to make him feel less alone I got tested too. He was clean then as was I as expected.
At some point during our marriage he cheated on me. I don’t know when, but there’s no doubt about him cheating. I wanted to hear from his mouth that he cheated but I’m aware that he most likely will never admit this. I know he cheated, I just have no proof of when, how long, where, or with whom.
Serve him with divorce papers, as he will more than speak! He will cry, sob, beg, and get down on his knees and ask for forgiveness.
OP, what do you know?
* You know that he was clean when you married him.
*He's the only man you have been with.
*You have syphilis and the only person you could have got it from is your husband.
*Even if the STD was dormant, he still had unprotected sexual contact with someone outside of your marriage.
*It can take up to 7 weeks after a person has unprotected sex to show up on a test.
Does the how, when, or where matter right now since he's obviously stonewalling you and refusing to be a man about it? This doesn't mean you can't find out later, but whether you knew or didn't, would you still divorce him or stay in the relationship with him knowing what he did and how he is treating you?
As soon as a cheating spouse receives divorce papers, they realize that the other person is serious and is not going to put up with their bs. This is why I suggested it. Plus, we all know that he would have had to cheat to get an STD.
I guess you need to figure out where you stand with him; forgive him and reconcile or divorce him.
I suspect you may be shocked if you discover who it’s with so he’s determined to keep quiet. Either that or he’s been visiting sex workers.
Were there no red flags OP?
Hindsight is 20/20. She trusted him and he betrayed that trust. You should trust your partner when you're married. Not seeing signs of infidelity before doesn't matter as it is a bit like victim blaming when the cheating partner may be a very practiced skillful liar and/or has been cheating for a long time.
Though now he's definitely whoring himself around now that he's been caught. That's why he's not around or "working late" and can't look you in the eye. He's sorry for being caught but only because he's having consequences. Not remorseful enough to stop.
Glad you have the proof of getting tested prior to marriage for the attorneys. That should help with legal stuff.
IMHO, take everything u can from him and give your kids the best life possible.
I’m so sorry
He cheated recently if you've always been sexually active as a couple. The sores you got, are almost always a symptom of a very recent infection. Who was he with in the weeks prior to you having symptoms?
Was it blood test? That’s the only way to detect dormant syphilis. Pee test and mouth swab won’t show anything.
If it was a blood test and still showed nothing then yeah, cheated. If no blood test was done then it’s very possible he didn’t cheat and it was dormant.
I realise that the likelihood is small, but have you considered drug use (it can be contracted through shared needles with an infected person)? Or have you or your husband had a blood transfusion?
It is much more likely the bastard cheated, but either way, this sucks wide!!
Not sure this is done everywhere, but I know my friends were screened for STDs during pregnancy, so if you were too, you at least know it happened after you were tested with your youngest. And if you weren’t tested, have your kids tested as well (though I’d assume your doc would have already advised that).
I am so so sorry this happened to you!!
I actually found out from my doctor recently that it hasn’t been included in routine blood work at their office for a decade now because insurance companies don’t want to pay for it.
It is irrelevant. She was a virgin before marriage, either way he brought it. Plus she'd been pregnant twice & pregnant women are tested pretty much for everything under the sun. He infected her sometime after their last offspring was born. ☹️
This same exact situation happened to my best friend when we were younger, we drove to his house an hour away and keyed his car the night before my 18th birthday.
Sending you lots of love, it won't be easy but it will get better.
I'd be cautious here - at this point, there is a good chance you re symptomatic and he isn't which means he could get treatment off the books, and then claim YOU got an STD while in the marriage, lied, and tried to pass it to him.
You have no evidence he actually has the disease (although you know he does inherently) - without that he can probably fuck you over a lot worse. Get that evidence!
Don't be afraid of divorce hurting your kids in the long term. It matters more if they have love, stability, and basic needs met. My parents divorced when I was young about 5yo, but I came to know how much better my life was without my parents being married. My dad is an abusive man. My mom was right to leave and get divorced. She should have left sooner. My father destroyed my family.
Your husband destroyed your family because he thought more with his penis. He continues to gaslight you. He's going to gaslight your kids while they grow up. Divorce is going to give your kids a place of respite from that.
The demographics have shifted in the last few years. I rarely treated women of childbearing age for syphilis before Covid. During Covid, however, I lost count of the number of pregnant women I treated.
Contact a lawyer. Get a divorce and talk to your doctor to see whether you can report your husband for spreading it. I am so sorry. Don’t waste time trying to get your husband to admit it, it’s possible he’s deep in denial himself and unwilling to own up that he F’ed up. Big time. Worry about yourself and forget him.
I am so so sorry you're going through this. I've had men deny cheating with the evidence right in front of them and the lying on top of the cheating is just too much. You're doing the right thing and you seem like a very level headed person. You and your kids will get through this and be ok.
I saw this in my notification bar and I just.... you're a victim dear. A victim to his selfishness and cruelty. You have nothing to be ashamed if in this circumstance. If he was unhappy he should have talked to you and tried to fix it.
I'm sorry for your heart break.
If he's in obstinate denial then maybe he picked this up in some sexual activity that has an attached stigma, so depending upon your location this could be contact with disadvantaged sex workers or men who have sex with men (whether or not they identify as hetero)
The demographics of syphilis are different from the routine STIs so he's been getting into some higher risk activities than vanilla cheating.
Btw tell the idiot to get treated, if only for the sake of others he may expose
Do not look at this as you are enacting vengeance. There is a lot you are entitled to so you fight for it. This disease did not fall out of the sky or crop up after 14 years. You need to think back now on times things did not seem right with where he was going, working late or whatevr. More than likely this has been going on for some time. That disease could do some serious damage.
Be as cruel and ruthless as you can during divorce, the courts severely punish infidelity and even more so when the cheater infects his partner with an STD, demands maintenance or compensation, he must pay for all your hospital bills and your treatment, have no compassion, you can't have mercy on cheaters
I am so sorry you’re going through this and I am glad to hear you are 100% set on divorce. Be gentle with yourself and remember none of this is your fault.
I’m not sure how old your babies are, but here in Canada we get tested for STIs in the beginning of our pregnancies. I can’t imagine it isn’t the same in the US.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. This is horrifying. Please reach out to your village ❤️
Clean him out in the divorce girl, leave him with nothing...
Don't speak to him unless it involves the children. Stop texting him and calling him. Indifference is the opposite of love and he has earned that Indifference from you. It will drive him crazy
Just in case it did lie dormant for years, please have the children tested as well. I'm so sorry. He did you dirty. Get treatment, get divorced and never look back. You deserve a good life.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I am also divorced, we were married 22 years and my ex is an alcoholic. He contracted syphilis but luckily when I was tested I did not get it. But he also denied cheating and said his Dr told him he could have contracted it another way. To which I responded that his dr was either lying to him to make him feel better or was an idiot. The guy at the health department was actually stunned that my numbers were as low as they were because apparently there's a range of numbers considered negative and mine was verrrrry negative.
I 100% understand your pain. You're doing the best thing divorcing him. He isn't going to man up. My ex still doesn't admit it, but he also is an alcoholic and I realize he may have cheated during a blackout and consequently doesn't remember. We were already separated when I found out, but my finding out certainly put the full kabosh on my marriage.
>When everything is said and done I hope that God forgives me for the trouble I hope to put him through during court.
Any god that would blame you instead of him is not worthy of anyone's worship.
lol mine gave me cervical cancer and almost killed me. It’s cliche for a reason honey but this too shall pass. Move on either with him or without. In a couple years you’ll never think of it again… promise.
Syphilis is one of the reportable diseases. Report it and make sure your dr does as well. Did she even mention anything about reporting it? I’m glad you’ll be divorcing him. wtf?!
I experienced a horrendous divorce 14 years ago (no infidelity involved), all my regret is I replied his texts, I emailed him, I talked with him because I wanted him to know my pain and I wanted to know what he was thinking. BIG MISTAKE as I didn’t have anyone to advise me. You, absolutely don’t communicate with him, NOTHING. He has to talk to you through your attorney and your one representative person, sibling or parent or trusted friend. Do Not Have Direct Communication, regardless of what.
Build your support system, select people and place where you can express your feeling and information but do not do that to outside of the circle. Therapist is one option. Divorce is war. You cannot show your emotion including expecting him to be sorry or say things you wanna hear, DON’T. Divorce is war. You get what you want, negotiate the Terms and Conditions of coparent, money, everything. For cheaters it’s a game, don’t show your weakness to this man. I wish I had this advice at the time. Take care. We need to be strong for our children until it’s finalised.
You have him served. You tell him since he has no interest in telling you the truth so that you can even decide what is worth forgiving you are leaving. He may either tell you the truth or he may not. The fact is he cheated. That remains the truth regardless of admission. You have to decide what you are going to do with a man who not only cheated but is also lying to you.
Release the hounds! He should suffer as much as possible in the divorce. You do need to report the infection and his partner in crime needs to tracked down as a public safety concern.
Your husband may have gotten tested before you got intimate but it's not standard to test for syphilis. It's very possible he wasn't tested for syphilis.
Your husband reminds me of mine. My husband cheated and has never been honest. He’s always changing his story. And like yours, he shuts down. Stonewall, he’s been out of the house for more than a month and says that he wants to come back home but is tired of explaining himself and tired of the arguing. So he basically wants to come home like nothing happened. I say you divorce him. It could have been HIV. I had std test done after I found out he cheated and came back clean. It’s gross, especially more so when they have a family at home and do what they do and refuse to own up to it.
She mentioned in a separate comment here that he was tested prior to their marriage, as he would be the first person she’s ever been intimate with and felt safer knowing he was in the clear. He contracted Syphilis after their marriage, and it wasn’t from her.
because i found this intresting, i looked this up, and while i think its an extremly long shot.
syphilis can stay dormant for up to 30 years if its in the latent stage.
https://www.everlywell.com/blog/sti-testing/how-long-can-an-std-stay-dormant-without-symptoms/
if it is in the latent stage its also extremly rare to spread it, but not unheard off
>While it is incredibly rare, passing on syphilis during a late-latent and tertiary infection period can occur
https://www.verywellhealth.com/is-syphilis-contagious-5271648#citation-4
so, it is possible that your husband did not cheat, however i do admit that possibility is absolutely tiny; intrestingly if he goes to the doctor, the doctor will tell him which stage he is at.
I’m sorry that “man” has blown up your family. My Dad, a macho seeming man cheated with fem men…gross, after the second STD Mom demanded her doctor tell her exactly what was happening. (1970 New York City) Decades later Mom regretted divorcing him and moving far away because he was let off the parental hook. She should have stayed in the house with him sleeping in a closet, while holding him there to help with the five children. God bless you OP and your children. Please tell your children the age appropriate truth so they don’t blame themselves.
This happened to me, too. Different STD, same denial and I’m still pissed off 31 years later. If you have joint financial accounts, get those squared away as soon as you can. Drain your accounts if you have to; don’t trust your husband on any topic, ever again. I learned that the hard way.
I'm not immediately jumping to your husband's defense here. But when you both were tested before your marriage, did they do a blood test? Syphilis isn't always included on a standard STI panel and it can be asymptomatic. It *is* possible that he didn't cheat on you. Not saying it's probable. Just wanted to point this out. You're obviously very upset and you have every right to be. I just want to make sure you have all the facts.
Some STD’s can be undetectable and dormant in your body for years without you knowing it. When did you or your husband have an STD test prior to this? It may have been dormant for years in both of you. Did your Dr have you tested when you were pregnant? If so, you have definitive proof he cheated. I would speak with your doctor about dormancy periods and if it is possible he had it before you got together.
Agree with what been said by others. But do not delay telling your support system because he might try to control the narrative. Him not communicating with you might be trying to concoct stories on how you cheated. So please talk to important close ones before he got to start his own campaign. I might be paranoid but my own family member went through similar thing. Her ex husband and Mil absolutely went on smear campaign the moment he got confronted about her STD diagnosis. It was horrendous, she had to move away from the town.
I just hope he hasn’t been visiting prostitutes, I mean I know you can catch it from regular women but it’s more prevalent in sex workers. Just a thought.
Glad you’re divorcing him!
Good luck. I hope you find the answers you need. The audacity of your husband to accuse you of cheating. Hugs sent your way. Get all phone, email, financial, and information and place it somewhere you know it is safe.
I am so sorry to hear that. I hope you got tested for everything. You need to get out of that relationship asap. He was to busy worrying about getting his rocks off to not even considering wearing a condom to protect you at the absolute very least. This could have been much worse.
Hi OP! I just want to say how sorry I am, you’re doing the right thing by divorcing him. I’m sure it’s a sickening feeling - he put your health and life at risk, all for the sake of what? Horniness? Risking everything? Don’t let him convince you of some far-fetched, convoluted scenario that would get him off the hook.
Everyone has given good advice. Talk to a shark of a divorce attorney, and talk to a trusted, close friend or family member. Don’t go through this alone. And don’t let him get some narrative spread to friends and family that absolves him of any wrongdoing. This is ALL on him.
Good luck, take care of yourself and be strong. You’ll get through this and will come out the other side kicking ass and taking names.
No mercy. he lied and continues to lie and gaslight you. I wish you the best its going to be a roller coaster and eventually when your comfortable tell your family and whoever you have in your corner. Lawyer up and keep yourself and children safe, never know with someone that will lie about that. Take care of yourself and I'm so sorry you are going through this. and so sorry you are going through this. if you are connected with phone and bank statements go through them etc.
You did nothing wrong and there is nothing to forgive you were thinking about your health and safety along with your children that doesn’t need this pos Around them, God will understand in e what you’re doing I am so sorry this happened to you and you’re going through this not old man or like you’re soon to be ex you are doing the right thing and just sidenote God hates adultery stay strong and when you’re end out, just remember this prayer God give me the strength to change things that I can to except what I can’t give me strength to deal with the situation. Once again, I am so sorry for the hurt and pain he has caused you
I am SO SORRY this happened to you! My ex gave me a disease, as well, and tried very hard to blame the cheating on me. I am so glad your children are all right! I wish you a peaceful heart, and for the anger to stop hurting you. Get everything you can!
Not a smart thing to do, take the high road. Time will ease your pain, but kids will never forget what you do to their father. He will paint you as a vindictive lying bitch who cheated on him. So please think before you mess around with revenge. You can’t take it back, I loved my wife & it killed me inside to deal with her cheating ass & I still have PTSD. Truth is what is done is done & for yourself you will feel better in 5 years that you stayed true to yourself & I promise it will make you feel so damn happy… burning it all down will hurt everyone young lady…
Good news is. This is a curable disease in todays age. Bad news is - he knows that and was betting you would never find out he bad it.
Leave that son of bitch and never loom back.
Also, tell his mom. Fuck that guy
It's a reportable STD. Try to contact your doctor or local health division and tell them that your partner is unwilling to acknowledge, get checked, and admit he gave it to you. You tell them that you know he's sexualy active outside of your marriage, and you fear he's spreading this to others without their knowledge or consent. Just like he did to you. I would also contact a devorce lawyer just in case they have any recommendations on how to best handle the situation. Good luck
Thank you for this advice. I do plan on divorcing him and when I contact a lawyer and get that process going I plan on taking him to the cleaners for this. I’m not one to cause unnecessary trouble or drama, but I could have died. I have two children who need a mother and he didn’t think about that at all. I’ve never been more disgusted with another human being.
You would have been tested for syphilis during both of your pregnancies. You were most likely exposed about a month before you had symptoms.
I did not know that, but it is good that the children have not been exposed to it.
Check with your OB to see if you were tested.
That's true! So he cheated after the children were born.
It isn't "unnecessary drama" to report a health hazard like this. If YOU could have died, so can the women your husband is fucking behind your back. He's a health hazard to the general public.
Don't forget... he could be fucking men, as well.
Or sharing needles
Why not all three?!
Please, I only have so much time in my weekend...
I came looking for this comment. I agree!
Thank you for mentioning this, I saw someone else did down the thread and it's a good point. Sorry for being heteronormative in my statement.
No worries:)
DONT doctors and other health personnel automatically report this to the health department or someplace?
I could’ve sworn I’ve read or heard somewhere that this is a disease that medical personnel report to thehealth department. The health department actually follows up with getting the names and contact information of sexual contacts and will call each person but that could’ve been a different policy different years ago.
The health department does follow-up on notifying the sexual partners of the person with the STD. Unfortunately, they have to rely on the infected person to give them a list of all their sexual contacts. This woman’s husband either did not list his wife or told the health care worker handling his case that he would notify her himself. Other bad news: she should have her children tested as well, just in case. Still more bad news: hurry up with the divorce and get everything you can quickly. I had a client who was sued civilly when one of his sexual partners got his health department notification. If OP’s husband gets sued, they could lose everything. Best for her not to be legally entangled with him in the event that happens. PS - I’m a lawyer, but not your lawyer. Just throwing out random thoughts.
Right? Like the CDC usually picks up on rabies or ebola outbreaks, unless we disbanded the center for disease control. Warning: More downerism Maybe after people being belligerent about COVID they just gave up trying, like the FDA with pesticides and micro plastics Also it looks like easily transmittable STDs and STIs can linger, even asymptomatically in the blood for decades. So "getting tested every few weeks" for the 1/10 testable viruses/bacteria is never enough, especially with multiple sexual partners or when working with children/elderly or immune compromised. Such a delightful factoid for dinner parties and wedding toasts
I may be misremembering, but I'm pretty sure it's strictly numbers of patients diagnosed/treated and not individual names. I could be wrong though.
Check your credit & bank stmts to check for any Dr or Clinic visits, hubby MAY HAVE gone for treatment & tried to keep it a secret from you! Understand the family finances & make sure hubby can’t open any lines of credit in your name! Go thru the phone records & highlight in one color numbers you don’t recognize & highlight in a different color numbers hubby calls at odd hours or multiple times during the week! Start a journal, it could help organize your thoughts & maybe help you recall some important details. Look for women support groups for victims of STD & Cheating Partners, it could help your process what you are going through! Enroll in a self defense class, practice the moves & just RAGE ON THE BAG!
Also check the phone bill. Look to see who he has been calling and texting. You can also check his maps history you can see where he has been.
Do people even call and text these days that would show up on a phone bill? Almost all of my calls and texts are via WhatsApp, Viber or Teams these days unless I'm talking to business or l someone I don't know. And I'm not *trying* to hide it. It's just convenient! Certainly worth checking in case he's been sloppy but no trace doesn't mean no side-piece.
Yes they do and cellphone companies keep all of these logs even when they say they can’t go back so many years, they can!
If they are on the same health insurance she can also check that to see if/when he was prescribed the medication for it as well. So she could know when he became aware of it himself & how long he knew the risk she faced and did nothing. It could also give her a better timeline of where to look as far as who he was with & where prior to being treated & narrow it down better so she isn't looking at dates that she down at need to, since they've been together so many years. I'm sure it's possible he hadn't had symptoms before this point so there is a chance it may not give her any useful information, but if he did & got treatment AND STILL SAID NOTHING that's another thing to add to the list for divorce or a possible lawsuit. I could not imagine finding out I have an std (even if it were from being a pos cheater) and not telling my partner to make sure he doesn't have it also, especially one that CAN KILL YOU. Like cheaters are bad, but rolling the dice and not confessing so that they can get checked in hopes that maybe she didn't get it or if she did maybe she won't ever show symptoms so she won't know... that's a level of diabolical that I cannot fathom being. I don't care how much you are going to lose by confessing (you did it & knew it could come to light one day so the consequences had to have been something you were ok with) the idea that he'd risk her dying by not saying a thing (if he knew he had it) AND they have two kids that could lose their mom forever, like dude... do you not care about them being alive or dead at all or do you care about not being caught that much more you'd risk her dying for your selfish wants?
I WISH I had thought of the pharmacies & medication!! Op should look thru the phone bill for at least 5 years, the person who infected HUBBY may NOT HAVE BEEN the only one Hubby was playing with!! If hubby was infected, received treatment EARLY but did not inform his wife, he SHOULD be charged with Child Endangerment, not only Can Syphilis Kill If Left Untreated BUT It Could Lead To Violent Behavior and It’s A MIRACLE THE WIFE DID NOT ABUSED OR KILL THE KIDS OR ANY FAMILY MEMBERS!!!
Good advice!
Thanks
Yes and also call the credit bureaus and lock down your credit.
Contact the lawyer first and make an appointment.
Get your money out of joint accounts before he does.
Good for you! I wish you luck going forward.
Syphilis is one of those STDs you might have to ask to get checked for. It’s not always standard with every clinic. Kaiser Permanente doesn’t automatically test for syphilis. I’ve had to ask for that test to be run.
It may not be standard for every clinic but it is standard that every woman is tested during each pregnancy for all known STIs (and herpes simplex 1 which isn’t technically an STI).
I'm glad to see your resolve, good luck!
If OP is in the U.S. her local or state health department should be contacting her soon to start contact tracing, and she can name her husband then. Unfortunately, they won’t be able to divulge anything her husband fesses up to. I’d divorce, for sure.
Public Health Nurse here and this is definitely true. It is a pretty serious reportable infection that can cause neurological damage if not treated in a timely manner. Any positive that we have, they have to interview with a special case manager that only deals with syphilis and they inquire about sexual history/past partners and partners are then contacted and have to be scheduled for testing/treatment with us. They go so far as to link cases to each other as far down the line as it goes. God forbid there's a pregnancy involved due to syphilis being potentially fatal to babies. Even if a patient tests positive somewhere else, they refer them to us so it may already be reported. Divorce --- the heartbreak and cries that we have to hear sometimes is gut wrenching. Sending love 🥺🤞🏽
What is a reportable STD? And what exactly would OP accomplish from telling her doctor or local health division? I can see how my comment may come across as snarky, but I assure you, I'm just genuinely curious.
Good question. Im glad you asked it. Sexually transmitted diseases have to be reported to the State Health Department. It's the law. Public Health will track the disease and help people who have been exposed with meds, and with education to keep from spreading it. An outbreak is a big deal. Syphilis, Gonorrhea, AIDS and others used to kill people, and some are passed onto unborn babies who are born with terrible birth defects and life-long health problems.
some STDs you gotta tell the dr who you were with so that they can be contacted and tested and treated. I think it varies which STDs gotta be reported from state to state. But IIRC it’s Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Syphilis, and HIV. But it’s been awhile since I’ve taken a biology class. lol
They dont report chlamydia
The labs report positive results to the state/county. All states collect chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, and HIV data and report to the CDC. Many jurisdictions don't act on chlamydia or gonorrhea. Treatment confirmation and contact investigations are standard for HIV and syphilis. Funding and staffing can be tight depending on where you are.
I will also say that this is something tested for in the USA with each pregnancy. So if you were clean during pregnancy - then you contracted syphilis after your last child was born.
Many cheaters will gaslight and lie and deny even if you have 4K video and photos of them cheating. It’s bizarre, sociopathic behavior but sadly it’s not uncommon.
Yep, that’s my ex husband. There have been what I’m sure have been dozens and he will only admit to 4 or 5 bc I have actual proof. I have had many people tell me and send me pictures of him with random women, small town. One of them was over 24 years younger: disgusting. She could have been his child. One has confirmed genital herpes and rarely bathes and is a drug addict. You have no idea what kind of people he’s been with, especially if they gave him syphilis. Who knows how long this has been going on, I’m sorry this is happening to you. It’s is seriously the worst heartbreak I have ever felt.
Also, drug addicts. My husband’s ex friend once straight up smoked tar heroin inside his car before coming into the house. My husband was literally watching him do it from the front window. Friend walks in the door. Husband goes “dude. I just saw you smoke in your car.” Friend goes “No. I didn’t do that.” End of discussion. It’s crazy the way people like this think. They will likely never admit to anything wrong that they do even with evidence.
>sadly it’s not uncommon. We have one running for president.
Yup
"Wasn't me" vibes
I hope you are getting a divorce. He risked your life. He is a monster for what he did to you. Tell your family. Don’t keep it secret. It will backfire. You need support. I really hope he gets his karma
I do plan on divorcing. This is an absolute dealbreaker to me. He lied to me, betrayed my trust, put my life at risk and threw away our family for nothing. I’m fearful to tell my family but I will eventually. Right now I just want to be alone and try to accept this news. I understand that I’m going to need support through all of this.
Do it asap becuse he will try to tell people you know first and spin it in the way he wants to. Do not give him that chance!! Last thing you need is people ganging up on you becuse you took to long to tell them and your soon to be ex husband got to them first
Yessss cut him off at the pass, at least with your inner circle and family.
This hits home for me right now. Unfortunately this is absolutely a factor. Get your facts together and get things out in the open people who are open to cheating and lying are open to more cheating and lying 🤥
You are doing well by divorcing that piece of trash. He cheated on you, passed you an STD, and gaslighted you. It's time to separate finances, get a lawyer to start divorcing, and fight for your rights. Don't have mercy on him because he doesn't care at all about your mental and physical well-being. He has already wasted years of your life, damaged your health, and is probably spending household money on her (check banking records and cut his access to your money). Tell him that you will only accept talking to him if he goes with you to do an STD panel. However, don't give him more chances because he is a cheater and will continue cheating on you but hiding it better. The fact that he isn't telling you anything makes me suspect that you know the AP and she is married. You could also ask him to show his phone so that you could check it (check messages of all his contacts because he might have saved her number under a male name, phone call history, deleted messages, apps, location history, etc.). However, if he has some experience in cheating, he might already delete everything or keep a second phone in a place he knows you won't check, like his car or some place in the bathroom, etc.
You are so very lucky that this was caught. Majority people have no or minimal symptoms. I am so so sorry that this has happened. Do not hesitate to tell your family why.
Oh, sweetheart. Tell your family. Tell *his* family. Go to the rooftops with a bullhorn. Think Sherman’s March to the Sea and *ruin* him.
This is the point where everyone reads your comment and goes, wow! Is she really not going to get ahead of this with all her friends and family before he gets to them first with his lying face? Girl, come on now.
Also, it's always a possibility it was with a family member. Sad, but true. OP needs to know if it was, or a best friend. I kinda hate people now.
Do NOT be ashamed or embarrassed. You did NOTHING wrong. This is all him! He destroyed your family, threw away your marriage, and put your health and even your life at risk. This man is worthless, he is disgusting, he is a danger, and he will continue to harm you through any avenue he can via loopholes you leave open for him to do so -- socially, financially, ANYTHING. The other commenters are exactly right in that he will lie to everyone and try to spin the narrative and paint himself as a victim and you as the party who wronged him. THEY ALWAYS DO THIS. Tell everyone what he did!
You don't have to share your medical history with your family. It should be enough for them to know he was unfaithful I think it would be really important to make sure you protect this information for your kids sake. God knows there's always at least one monster and every family and you don't want to be the person who gave them something they could use to hurt your kids
Well.the husband already gave the wife something that could have hurt a child if she had been pregnant . His denial of wrongdoing and attack on his wife means he's already trying to say she was the cheater. He absolutely is going to blame her for everything . I doubt he's going to keep quiet if shifting the blame to his wife makes him out to be the injured party
Oh I'm sorry this has happened. Take a step back, breath and maybe consult a therapist or trusted person on how to process all this. Syphilis isn't a joke and could have been fatal if not caught. He needs to also get checked. Good luck.
He can get checked if he wants to get checked. He's not really OPs problem in the very near future.
He should get checked and also stop having sex until he knows because he can pass it onto other people.
Check your phone bill for a number that repeats over and over. They can delete things in the phone but not on the phone bill!
I would also invest in a private investigator, as having consistent photographic & possibly video graphic evidence would make a world of difference in such a case. A good P.I is worth every penny in this kind of situation.
Hell hath no furry like a woman scorned!! Lol
This is such a gen x take lol. You can iMessage or text without it showing up on an archaic phone bill that only records calls. Not to mention calls from apps. Fb messenger, WhatsApp etc
It's still worth checking, and results would depend on the cheater & cheater's partner's tech savviness.
Also the people in this post are gen x. So it’ll probably still be a good idea to take a look.
I’m a millennial, thank you. Most cheaters call the person they are cheating with repeatedly
I get you want him to man up and be honest about what a pos he is and has been. However in the grand scheme of things it won’t help you process this. You KNOW he cheated. Worse, he gave you an std that could have killed you if you hadn’t figured it out in time and syphilis is a horrible way to go. If I were you I’d act like you aren’t going to press the issue so his guard drops. Then find evidence of any and everything you can and find a lawyer and divorce him.
Very good and sound advice. I'd say play into his not lying/saying it's dormant get to his phone and get his ass with all of the details. Contact a bunch of lawyers and get advice from them as soon as possible. He will try to spin this to his advantage as much as he can, don't let him.
I’m in a local group called “is this your man?” on another social media platform and I realized recently that we shouldn’t be humiliated when we get cheated on. It’s not a reflection of us, our character, or our values. It’s a reflection of theirs. They’re the ones who look stupid, disgusting, and with no moral fiber. It’s not us. It’s them. I think most people can agree that the only person who it makes look bad is the cheater. I’m not saying go shout it on the rooftops for the whole community to know the status of your reproductive health, but I am saying, there’s no need to be embarrassed really, even though I know that’s easier said than done. My ex husband cheated on me for 6 months out of my pregnancy and 2 weeks before I gave birth he told me he was in love with his mistress and wanted to leave me…I was shocked, devastated. I’d given that man 10 years of my life. I birthed his children. At the end of the day, I am leaps and bounds better off than I was in my relationship with him. It was tough getting back on my feet. I financially struggled more than anything, but looking back I wish I hadn’t felt so stupid. The only stupid looking one was him.
I had a negative syphilis test while I was in between stage 1 and stage 2. Having never known about stage 1, due to never noticing a lesion. Stage two involved a flat red rash in my torso and a sore throat that would not go away or get worse . Just as I was deciding it was time to see a dr I got a call from the health dept telling me I had been exposed to syphilis. At this point it was 2 months since my negative test. Apparently the usual syphilis test type done during routine screening has some percentage of false negatives, which is what I got.
While I agree with everyone that syphilis can lie dormant, he keeps lying so it could be he cheated a decade ago.
Well. It can lie dormant but still, it has different phases and the physician should be able to tell the difference between the primary, secondary and so forth, because they are different. If I am remembering correctly, the sores come in the primary phase. So she was infected recently. If this is all true. Also, y'all, syphilis is on the rise and with women, tje primary phase sometimes only produces a sore up in your vagina where it is hard to notice. So please, if you notice something unusual, take it seriously. And safe sex. And tests. You can cure syphilis in the earlier phases but if gets too far, it's pretty hard to cure and it will fuck you up, as we unfortunately know from history.
Yes, and even so, as a wife, she would have been entitled to know that he contracted syphilis a while ago. He would say look I've had it before so I don't know how this is possible, not just vehemently deny and run away from home. I think it was fresh
Get an HIV test as well
Chances are they did a full panel with suspected syphilis and if they didn’t I bet they did after it was confirmed.
Chances are they did a full panel with suspected syphilis and if they didn’t I bet they did after it was confirmed.
The absurdity of him saying it was you, when both of you knew it wasnt you. What kind of idiot pulls that card?
You don't need him to admit that the only way for him to get syphilis and give it to you is from somebody else. You can just know that it's true. And then you can go see your therapist And you can come to an acceptance that he is a liar. He lies every every single day to you He manipulates you by pretending something obvious isn't true. He undermines you and he causes you to question your own perceptions, which is what abusers do You need to get out.
I did case investigation with syphilis notification. Since you had sores, he had to have given it to you about 3-6 weeks ago. Syphilis can lie dormant but it won't be symptomatic. Symptoms give you a timeline .
He's probably sleeping with men. That's why he's denying it even though he's caught. 80% of men reported with primary or secondary syphilis (P&S) and known gender of sex partners were MSM. According to CBS News, the national rate of early stage syphilis in gay and bisexual men is 106 times higher than the rate among heterosexual men. Just saying. Coming from a place of experience
Pretty sure you can sue. Look into it.
Syphilis is prone to misinformation. If you've developed sores recently, you've likely been infected recently. The infectious period is when someone is early in their infection (less than a year, usually) so if it was passed to you recently, he likely acquired it recently as well.
Lawyer up. Your marriage is over.
Maybe he doesn’t consider activity w sex workers as cheating? (Of course it is) This won’t make you feel better, but it’s obviously not your fault
He is stonewalling you. It can lay dormant for years but only after it starts exactly as you describe with sores. Have you at any stage noticed he had sores or did he block you from sexual contact for a few weeks? In this initial stage these sores show up within 10 to 90 days on infection. So it’s very possible it’s from recent sexual contact.
Stop needing others to admit the truth, its a waste of your time
Unfortunately, that's true. He clearly didn't respect you enough not to cheat. Why would he respect you enough to be honest? Take the trash out and take him to the cleaners to boot.
Cheaters are liars by the way and they will cheat again so this is part for the course for a cheater because if he denies it enough, he’s hoping somehow will go away. And it will I would immediately go to the bank. Take your name off the credit cards move half of the savings to a private account. Then I would go to an attorney and get divorce papers and serve him and say the marriage is over. That’s what I would do in this situation. I’m sure it’s much more complicated when it comes to property and let the attorneys deal with that. Dealbreaker for me in fact I got syphilis. He’s been doing it a long time.
That’s absolutely terrible!! I’m really sorry to hear that. My wife’s ex husband caught herpes prior to their divorce…but she found out he’d contracted it before they were able to be inmate again…so she narrowly avoided having it. Hopefully you’re able to find a treatment for it and move on from the trauma of knowing your husband didn’t respect you or your marriage enough to come clean.
Is it possible he is homosexual outside of the marriage? It may be contributing to his reluctance to confess where it came from, also there is a higher rate of syphilis in that community. Either way he put you at risk. Perhaps check his maps history and see if he frequents gay " beats" as they are called in my country, parks, public toilets etc where men meet to get it on with each other. Often married (closet gay) men that want anonymous sex. If you go to these places you will be shocked how many cars with baby seats are in the car park.
My POS grandfather gave my precious grandma syphilis. She didn’t die from it, but she lost all her hair because of it and it never grew back. He cheated on you. That’s why he won’t speak to you or even look at you. He’s guilty as fuck.
You know he cheated and he still doesn't respect you enough to be honest.
I’m so so sorry, OP. You must be absolutely devastated and blindsided by this. He is either in a shame spiral and can’t bear to acknowledge what he’s done or he has zero remorse. Either way, he risked your life and that’s unforgivable, to do that to anyone, particularly the mother of his children, is mind-boggling. I’m afraid some horrendous things happen in life that we simply cannot come back from and this is one of them. The shame is all his he’s really shown his true colours. He had the capacity to betray, you so terribly, in him, all along. You must be feeding you’ve been married all this time to a stranger. Of course you know exactly what you need to do, but that doesn’t make it any less painful. Please take care of yourself, eat well, drink water and get as much sleep as possible. You will be feeling traumatised and I certainly would suggest getting some individual counselling to help you through this ordeal. UPDATEME
His behavior right now is very telling. I’m so sorry.
Has he been tested? He needs to be. As some of said this is reportable to the board of health. He needs to get it together
If you received obgyn care in the US for your pregnancies you were likely tested during both for syphilis and other STDs. It's part of the routine labs. I'm sorry he's done this to you.
Hire a PI, private investigators. You will need as much evidence as you can get if you wanna deal real damage to this mofo.
I got an std from a guy I was dating years ago. We both got tested beforehand, or so I thought, and he said he wasn’t sleeping with anyone else. All lies. He most certainly was sleeping with others… including his other girlfriend and more on the side. He gaslit me for weeks and kept accusing me of cheating on him. It was one of the worst things I’ve been through. The doctor shamed me more than I ever thought a professional would. I felt dirty and alone because I couldn’t tell anyone. The gaslighting was the worst part, I’ve never felt so cornered into a wall on something and didn’t know how to defend myself. People can be heartless and selfish. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Make sure to confide in trusting people. Most of all, be kind to yourself.
There have been a LOT of really supportive comments and helpful advice here. But I have a tiny bit of a similar experience with my ex husband. Like you I had “saved” myself for marriage. My ex husband and I married when I was 19 and he was in his early to mid 30s. My only concern in our age gap was that he be tested before we were intimate. I offered to get tested myself as well even though I knew I hadn’t been with anyone. I just thought it was fair. He said he had a test done and he was clear, I showed him mine. I didn’t have any reason to disbelieve him. But it turns out he was never tested. It came out years later after we’d been married for some time because I kept getting sores on my vulva. He admitted he had lied about being tested but he justified it saying he was sure he was “clean”. But then I developed what looked like herpes and he admitted his lies and helped me get an appointment with an STI clinic. It turns out I was just allergic to latex and didn’t have herpes. But for days, weeks, months after finding out he lied I felt this sick hollow pit in my stomach constantly, every waking hour. In my dreams I would dream of being betrayed. I felt like the entire relationship had been a lie because it was built on a lie. And maybe it doesn’t seem like a big deal but it was to me. I felt like I had been taken advantage of. I trusted him, and the one thing I asked of him he didn’t do and then lied about it. I didn’t realise it at the time but that was the beginning of the end of our marriage. OP, he might not have cheated but he still betrayed you and the fact that he won’t come clean (no pun intended) even now tells you all you need to know. I’m so sorry.
I hope you have the curable strain and that you heal well. I am so sorry. You are not stupid, or disgusting.
There’s been a surge in syphilis since COVID. One hypothesis is that the immune suppression following acute COVID infection may increase the reactivation of latent syphilis, in the same way that latent TB and viruses such as HSV, VZV, CMV and EBV are reactivated following COVID infection.
Was your husband with others before you? I’m def not a doctor but I thought syphilis could undected/dormant for a long time.
You’re correct and I’m aware that syphilis can lay dormant for years. He absolutely did not have it prior. I saved my virginity for marriage but my husband did not. I was fine with this as long as he got tested and to make him feel less alone I got tested too. He was clean then as was I as expected. At some point during our marriage he cheated on me. I don’t know when, but there’s no doubt about him cheating. I wanted to hear from his mouth that he cheated but I’m aware that he most likely will never admit this. I know he cheated, I just have no proof of when, how long, where, or with whom.
Serve him with divorce papers, as he will more than speak! He will cry, sob, beg, and get down on his knees and ask for forgiveness. OP, what do you know? * You know that he was clean when you married him. *He's the only man you have been with. *You have syphilis and the only person you could have got it from is your husband. *Even if the STD was dormant, he still had unprotected sexual contact with someone outside of your marriage. *It can take up to 7 weeks after a person has unprotected sex to show up on a test. Does the how, when, or where matter right now since he's obviously stonewalling you and refusing to be a man about it? This doesn't mean you can't find out later, but whether you knew or didn't, would you still divorce him or stay in the relationship with him knowing what he did and how he is treating you? As soon as a cheating spouse receives divorce papers, they realize that the other person is serious and is not going to put up with their bs. This is why I suggested it. Plus, we all know that he would have had to cheat to get an STD. I guess you need to figure out where you stand with him; forgive him and reconcile or divorce him.
I suspect you may be shocked if you discover who it’s with so he’s determined to keep quiet. Either that or he’s been visiting sex workers. Were there no red flags OP?
Hindsight is 20/20. She trusted him and he betrayed that trust. You should trust your partner when you're married. Not seeing signs of infidelity before doesn't matter as it is a bit like victim blaming when the cheating partner may be a very practiced skillful liar and/or has been cheating for a long time. Though now he's definitely whoring himself around now that he's been caught. That's why he's not around or "working late" and can't look you in the eye. He's sorry for being caught but only because he's having consequences. Not remorseful enough to stop.
You make a good point re remorse. The huge difference between that and regret.
Glad you have the proof of getting tested prior to marriage for the attorneys. That should help with legal stuff. IMHO, take everything u can from him and give your kids the best life possible. I’m so sorry
He cheated recently if you've always been sexually active as a couple. The sores you got, are almost always a symptom of a very recent infection. Who was he with in the weeks prior to you having symptoms?
Was it blood test? That’s the only way to detect dormant syphilis. Pee test and mouth swab won’t show anything. If it was a blood test and still showed nothing then yeah, cheated. If no blood test was done then it’s very possible he didn’t cheat and it was dormant.
It may be better that you don't know. The more you know, the more it will play over and over in your head and drive you crazy.
It can but the chancres are usually a sign of early infection.
I realise that the likelihood is small, but have you considered drug use (it can be contracted through shared needles with an infected person)? Or have you or your husband had a blood transfusion? It is much more likely the bastard cheated, but either way, this sucks wide!! Not sure this is done everywhere, but I know my friends were screened for STDs during pregnancy, so if you were too, you at least know it happened after you were tested with your youngest. And if you weren’t tested, have your kids tested as well (though I’d assume your doc would have already advised that). I am so so sorry this happened to you!!
You mentioned you guys got tested prior to marriage. Was it a blood test? If not, it's entirely possible you weren't tested for syphilis.
I actually found out from my doctor recently that it hasn’t been included in routine blood work at their office for a decade now because insurance companies don’t want to pay for it.
It is irrelevant. She was a virgin before marriage, either way he brought it. Plus she'd been pregnant twice & pregnant women are tested pretty much for everything under the sun. He infected her sometime after their last offspring was born. ☹️
This same exact situation happened to my best friend when we were younger, we drove to his house an hour away and keyed his car the night before my 18th birthday. Sending you lots of love, it won't be easy but it will get better.
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You can't prove he cheated... But.... You got an std
Syphilis can be dormant for 10-20 years if it goes untreated. It normally doesn’t, but it is still a very real possibility.
But they test for it when you are pregnant.
It’s time to divorce him
I'd be cautious here - at this point, there is a good chance you re symptomatic and he isn't which means he could get treatment off the books, and then claim YOU got an STD while in the marriage, lied, and tried to pass it to him. You have no evidence he actually has the disease (although you know he does inherently) - without that he can probably fuck you over a lot worse. Get that evidence!
Don't be afraid of divorce hurting your kids in the long term. It matters more if they have love, stability, and basic needs met. My parents divorced when I was young about 5yo, but I came to know how much better my life was without my parents being married. My dad is an abusive man. My mom was right to leave and get divorced. She should have left sooner. My father destroyed my family. Your husband destroyed your family because he thought more with his penis. He continues to gaslight you. He's going to gaslight your kids while they grow up. Divorce is going to give your kids a place of respite from that.
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OP commented that he was tested previously and did not have it then, it was definitely contracted during their marriage.
There’s a common misconception that “getting tested” includes a full panel. That’s often not the case. I think he cheated, but it’s not 100%
OP just responded to someone saying her and her husband were both tested before marriage :/
Noy zurewhere you are But Most syphilis in the US right now is between men who have sex with men. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.
The demographics have shifted in the last few years. I rarely treated women of childbearing age for syphilis before Covid. During Covid, however, I lost count of the number of pregnant women I treated.
Contact a lawyer. Get a divorce and talk to your doctor to see whether you can report your husband for spreading it. I am so sorry. Don’t waste time trying to get your husband to admit it, it’s possible he’s deep in denial himself and unwilling to own up that he F’ed up. Big time. Worry about yourself and forget him.
I am so so sorry you're going through this. I've had men deny cheating with the evidence right in front of them and the lying on top of the cheating is just too much. You're doing the right thing and you seem like a very level headed person. You and your kids will get through this and be ok.
I saw this in my notification bar and I just.... you're a victim dear. A victim to his selfishness and cruelty. You have nothing to be ashamed if in this circumstance. If he was unhappy he should have talked to you and tried to fix it. I'm sorry for your heart break.
If he's in obstinate denial then maybe he picked this up in some sexual activity that has an attached stigma, so depending upon your location this could be contact with disadvantaged sex workers or men who have sex with men (whether or not they identify as hetero) The demographics of syphilis are different from the routine STIs so he's been getting into some higher risk activities than vanilla cheating. Btw tell the idiot to get treated, if only for the sake of others he may expose
He's nothing but trash put him to the curb with rest of it you got this.
Do not look at this as you are enacting vengeance. There is a lot you are entitled to so you fight for it. This disease did not fall out of the sky or crop up after 14 years. You need to think back now on times things did not seem right with where he was going, working late or whatevr. More than likely this has been going on for some time. That disease could do some serious damage.
If it were me? I would burn the world down. Set everything on fire OP. Make sure this "man" is decimated. No burial, cremation.
Be as cruel and ruthless as you can during divorce, the courts severely punish infidelity and even more so when the cheater infects his partner with an STD, demands maintenance or compensation, he must pay for all your hospital bills and your treatment, have no compassion, you can't have mercy on cheaters
Updateme
I am so sorry you’re going through this and I am glad to hear you are 100% set on divorce. Be gentle with yourself and remember none of this is your fault.
I’m not sure how old your babies are, but here in Canada we get tested for STIs in the beginning of our pregnancies. I can’t imagine it isn’t the same in the US. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. This is horrifying. Please reach out to your village ❤️
Clean him out in the divorce girl, leave him with nothing... Don't speak to him unless it involves the children. Stop texting him and calling him. Indifference is the opposite of love and he has earned that Indifference from you. It will drive him crazy
Divorce his ass, playing with your health when you’ve kids to raise! The man’s scum
Just in case it did lie dormant for years, please have the children tested as well. I'm so sorry. He did you dirty. Get treatment, get divorced and never look back. You deserve a good life.
you can't expect the respect of honesty when he obviously didn't have enough not to cheat on you. i'm sorry op. take him to the cleaners.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I am also divorced, we were married 22 years and my ex is an alcoholic. He contracted syphilis but luckily when I was tested I did not get it. But he also denied cheating and said his Dr told him he could have contracted it another way. To which I responded that his dr was either lying to him to make him feel better or was an idiot. The guy at the health department was actually stunned that my numbers were as low as they were because apparently there's a range of numbers considered negative and mine was verrrrry negative. I 100% understand your pain. You're doing the best thing divorcing him. He isn't going to man up. My ex still doesn't admit it, but he also is an alcoholic and I realize he may have cheated during a blackout and consequently doesn't remember. We were already separated when I found out, but my finding out certainly put the full kabosh on my marriage.
Is he seriously sticking with the story that you spontaneously contracted syphilis???
Definitely need an update
>When everything is said and done I hope that God forgives me for the trouble I hope to put him through during court. Any god that would blame you instead of him is not worthy of anyone's worship.
lol mine gave me cervical cancer and almost killed me. It’s cliche for a reason honey but this too shall pass. Move on either with him or without. In a couple years you’ll never think of it again… promise.
Syphilis is one of the reportable diseases. Report it and make sure your dr does as well. Did she even mention anything about reporting it? I’m glad you’ll be divorcing him. wtf?!
That’s reprehensible by your Husband. Terrible. He deserves to lose you. Best to you in the future.
I experienced a horrendous divorce 14 years ago (no infidelity involved), all my regret is I replied his texts, I emailed him, I talked with him because I wanted him to know my pain and I wanted to know what he was thinking. BIG MISTAKE as I didn’t have anyone to advise me. You, absolutely don’t communicate with him, NOTHING. He has to talk to you through your attorney and your one representative person, sibling or parent or trusted friend. Do Not Have Direct Communication, regardless of what. Build your support system, select people and place where you can express your feeling and information but do not do that to outside of the circle. Therapist is one option. Divorce is war. You cannot show your emotion including expecting him to be sorry or say things you wanna hear, DON’T. Divorce is war. You get what you want, negotiate the Terms and Conditions of coparent, money, everything. For cheaters it’s a game, don’t show your weakness to this man. I wish I had this advice at the time. Take care. We need to be strong for our children until it’s finalised.
A friend of mine died of syphilis when he was in his 70s. It had been lying dormant for decades.
You have him served. You tell him since he has no interest in telling you the truth so that you can even decide what is worth forgiving you are leaving. He may either tell you the truth or he may not. The fact is he cheated. That remains the truth regardless of admission. You have to decide what you are going to do with a man who not only cheated but is also lying to you.
Release the hounds! He should suffer as much as possible in the divorce. You do need to report the infection and his partner in crime needs to tracked down as a public safety concern.
Your husband may have gotten tested before you got intimate but it's not standard to test for syphilis. It's very possible he wasn't tested for syphilis.
Has he admitted it yet???
Your husband reminds me of mine. My husband cheated and has never been honest. He’s always changing his story. And like yours, he shuts down. Stonewall, he’s been out of the house for more than a month and says that he wants to come back home but is tired of explaining himself and tired of the arguing. So he basically wants to come home like nothing happened. I say you divorce him. It could have been HIV. I had std test done after I found out he cheated and came back clean. It’s gross, especially more so when they have a family at home and do what they do and refuse to own up to it.
Have either of you had sex with anyone else? Syphilis Can be dormant for years.
She mentioned in a separate comment here that he was tested prior to their marriage, as he would be the first person she’s ever been intimate with and felt safer knowing he was in the clear. He contracted Syphilis after their marriage, and it wasn’t from her.
In the post she says he's her only partner ever
because i found this intresting, i looked this up, and while i think its an extremly long shot. syphilis can stay dormant for up to 30 years if its in the latent stage. https://www.everlywell.com/blog/sti-testing/how-long-can-an-std-stay-dormant-without-symptoms/ if it is in the latent stage its also extremly rare to spread it, but not unheard off >While it is incredibly rare, passing on syphilis during a late-latent and tertiary infection period can occur https://www.verywellhealth.com/is-syphilis-contagious-5271648#citation-4 so, it is possible that your husband did not cheat, however i do admit that possibility is absolutely tiny; intrestingly if he goes to the doctor, the doctor will tell him which stage he is at.
Well he would have had sores and lesions stages tho before the latent period . He would have known.
I’m sorry that “man” has blown up your family. My Dad, a macho seeming man cheated with fem men…gross, after the second STD Mom demanded her doctor tell her exactly what was happening. (1970 New York City) Decades later Mom regretted divorcing him and moving far away because he was let off the parental hook. She should have stayed in the house with him sleeping in a closet, while holding him there to help with the five children. God bless you OP and your children. Please tell your children the age appropriate truth so they don’t blame themselves.
This happened to me, too. Different STD, same denial and I’m still pissed off 31 years later. If you have joint financial accounts, get those squared away as soon as you can. Drain your accounts if you have to; don’t trust your husband on any topic, ever again. I learned that the hard way.
Take him to the cleaners. And tell everyone what happened.
I'm not immediately jumping to your husband's defense here. But when you both were tested before your marriage, did they do a blood test? Syphilis isn't always included on a standard STI panel and it can be asymptomatic. It *is* possible that he didn't cheat on you. Not saying it's probable. Just wanted to point this out. You're obviously very upset and you have every right to be. I just want to make sure you have all the facts.
Some STD’s can be undetectable and dormant in your body for years without you knowing it. When did you or your husband have an STD test prior to this? It may have been dormant for years in both of you. Did your Dr have you tested when you were pregnant? If so, you have definitive proof he cheated. I would speak with your doctor about dormancy periods and if it is possible he had it before you got together.
I’m so sorry that this is happening to you OP
Wow… I am so sorry honey.
Surely you mean ex husband?
I’m am so so sorry.
I'm just rooting for you and hope that life is better for you. You don't need liars and cheaters in your life! 💘
I am so sorry. I hope you let your support system in. Updateme
Updateme
Agree with what been said by others. But do not delay telling your support system because he might try to control the narrative. Him not communicating with you might be trying to concoct stories on how you cheated. So please talk to important close ones before he got to start his own campaign. I might be paranoid but my own family member went through similar thing. Her ex husband and Mil absolutely went on smear campaign the moment he got confronted about her STD diagnosis. It was horrendous, she had to move away from the town.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm disgusted for you and fully support your plan. Destroy him.
Hire someone to do some digging and follow him
I just hope he hasn’t been visiting prostitutes, I mean I know you can catch it from regular women but it’s more prevalent in sex workers. Just a thought. Glad you’re divorcing him!
Updateme
You saved yourself for him? Meaning he is the only sexual partner you have had?
Good luck. I hope you find the answers you need. The audacity of your husband to accuse you of cheating. Hugs sent your way. Get all phone, email, financial, and information and place it somewhere you know it is safe.
I am so sorry to hear that. I hope you got tested for everything. You need to get out of that relationship asap. He was to busy worrying about getting his rocks off to not even considering wearing a condom to protect you at the absolute very least. This could have been much worse.
atta girl! burn his ass down!!!! 🔥🔥🔥
Hi OP! I just want to say how sorry I am, you’re doing the right thing by divorcing him. I’m sure it’s a sickening feeling - he put your health and life at risk, all for the sake of what? Horniness? Risking everything? Don’t let him convince you of some far-fetched, convoluted scenario that would get him off the hook. Everyone has given good advice. Talk to a shark of a divorce attorney, and talk to a trusted, close friend or family member. Don’t go through this alone. And don’t let him get some narrative spread to friends and family that absolves him of any wrongdoing. This is ALL on him. Good luck, take care of yourself and be strong. You’ll get through this and will come out the other side kicking ass and taking names.
No mercy. he lied and continues to lie and gaslight you. I wish you the best its going to be a roller coaster and eventually when your comfortable tell your family and whoever you have in your corner. Lawyer up and keep yourself and children safe, never know with someone that will lie about that. Take care of yourself and I'm so sorry you are going through this. and so sorry you are going through this. if you are connected with phone and bank statements go through them etc.
You did nothing wrong and there is nothing to forgive you were thinking about your health and safety along with your children that doesn’t need this pos Around them, God will understand in e what you’re doing I am so sorry this happened to you and you’re going through this not old man or like you’re soon to be ex you are doing the right thing and just sidenote God hates adultery stay strong and when you’re end out, just remember this prayer God give me the strength to change things that I can to except what I can’t give me strength to deal with the situation. Once again, I am so sorry for the hurt and pain he has caused you
I am SO SORRY this happened to you! My ex gave me a disease, as well, and tried very hard to blame the cheating on me. I am so glad your children are all right! I wish you a peaceful heart, and for the anger to stop hurting you. Get everything you can!
I'm so sorry 🩶🩶🩶
Not a smart thing to do, take the high road. Time will ease your pain, but kids will never forget what you do to their father. He will paint you as a vindictive lying bitch who cheated on him. So please think before you mess around with revenge. You can’t take it back, I loved my wife & it killed me inside to deal with her cheating ass & I still have PTSD. Truth is what is done is done & for yourself you will feel better in 5 years that you stayed true to yourself & I promise it will make you feel so damn happy… burning it all down will hurt everyone young lady…
Good news is. This is a curable disease in todays age. Bad news is - he knows that and was betting you would never find out he bad it. Leave that son of bitch and never loom back. Also, tell his mom. Fuck that guy
I’m so sorry to hear. I’m glad you’re ok. Please update