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I guess that's what they meant or maybe they expect me to have a job by next month (I at least plan to regardless), but maybe it was an empty threat too, but I would rather not find out the hard way, so I'm trying to see if there's any relatives I can talk to who would listen since most of the ones coming for my HS graduation are also churchgoers and are now attending the church graduation after my parents told them to
You likely will not change your parents mind on this long term. Can you attend both graduations and still go to church until you get a job? If so, save up enough to move out and pay your own tuition and do so as soon as possible. If they are going to try to use money to control you in ways you're not comfortable with, you need to refuse their money going forward and become self sufficient.
If you don't have a career picked out, maybe consider changing gears and go to a trade school instead. They are faster and tend to be cheaper. If you are good at doing ACs or plumbing, you can likely start your own business after 5 years and you've learned the trade and make great money. I'm not putting college down, but it's very expensive and difficult if you don't have parental financial backing. It took me 8 years of college (undergrad + law school + post grad) to start earning money, and another 7 before I felt ready to open my own firm, whereas most trade schools take less than 2 years and you often start making money as an apprentice before you finish if you are quick on the uptake.
I will definitely look into a trade, but they said that they'll charge me rent in July if I attend my HS graduation and my church one, so it's the church one by itself or nothing along with attending church afterwards
I learnt something far too late that might help you. Don't expect to change your parents minds and don't expect them to fix or heal the traumas they caused. I wasted so much time
This is why so many people end up going NC with their parents. Once they are legally adults. I lucked out with good parents, but there's an entire side of the family we don't talk to because of this kind of thing.
You won't change them, and you don't really have many options in life if you don't get some kind of Post-Secondary education.
Your best option is probably going to be a trade based on financial restrictions now, unless you want to join the military for Four years, so they pay for your schooling.
They were reasonable with me with not letting me attend the past two years after the bullying incident, but then they even brought that up as leverage, so I see what you mean some which hurts
Friends are good for caring and helping express our feelings. Also good to chat with a professional if it gets too much. Good luck out there and remember you can't control what they do or say, but you can control how you react
Please keep in mind that religious teachings are not about guilt, payback, blackmail, or otherwise. Your parents are not good people if they're flinging it back in your face that they didn't force you to suffer with being bullied.
Christian Love. Do what we tell you to do, our way is the only way. Look to the future. Do you really want your batshit crazy religious parents around your own future children? If you lived near me I would rent you a inexpensive room just to get you away from your parents.
Trades are a great career. Learn to weld. Take care from a person that was raised by a foxhole atheist and a loving Christian mother that followed JC’s teachings. Peace and Love.
Would you rather miss it and that memory with your friends or risk getting caught? Do you really think they'd make you homeless? Also, how old are you, if you aren't 18 yet I don't think they can kick you out of the house. Furthermore, they probably cant kick you out overnight, you're a resident, you likely would need to be evicted, though those laws vary by state and I'm unfamiliar with the laws in your state. In my state the process would take at least a month, though I've heard in some states there are expedited rules when the owner is also a resident and there is no signed contract
I'm 18, but we have no lease which scares me, but I'll look into the laws you mentioned and see if a friend's parent can help me find legal advice. I'm going to weigh the risk of attending my HS graduation, but I'm scared of them taking stuff out of my room and putting them outside if they see me attend the HS graduation because they know when it is, and I'm afraid to come back and they won't let me in if they're that far into their nonsense
If that is a serious concern, make sure you have all your legal documents outside the home before you do anything. Your ss card, your birth certificate, your passport, etc.
I'm a new parent. If you think they might literally kick you out for wanting to celebrate with your friends, then know they have failed and do your best to succeed in spite of them.
Maybe talk to your friend's parents about moving in if they kick you out, at least until you get a job waiting tables to pay the rent.
I'd call their bluff if I were you, but I was reckless as hell at your age. Still have your documents somewhere out of their control. Also make sure your bank accounts don't have their names on it. If they ever were in the account, change banks, not just accounts. Sometimes tellers fuck up when kids are involved and give bad parents access or information they shouldn't have if they used to be on the account. It's illegal, but it happens and you don't want them to be able to fuck with your money.
It doesn't matter if you have a lease or not. You are a tenant in their house. They would have to formally evict you through the courts and that doesn't happen overnight. If your parents try going the route of just putting your stuff outside, call the police. The police will force them to let you back in until they file and eviction. I know it's scary, but if you cave now, your parents will never look at you as an adult. You will be 22 still stuck at their house and then blackmailing you to keep control over you. Your only option is to make a stand now no matter how tough it is. Do you have a friend whose parents might let you stay there? Even if you had to pay a little rent once you got a job, it's better to pay them rent and have freedom vs paying your parents rent and still getting told what to do. Also, maybe try and shame them through the church. Tell everyone how your going to be homeless because your parents are throwing you out and ask if there is any homeless assistance through the church. It will get back your your parents. If they care about their image they will back off real quick.
THIS - lease or no lease, you’ve been an established resident and they can’t just kick you out. They have to give notice…
Hell, squatters manage to pull this off, but you OP have an absolute right to receive notice and we Christians are supposed to follow the law of the land. (And for the record, there is nothing God-honoring about how they’re handling this!)
If you can work out a place to stay, the school part will still work out as the grants out there should more than cover fees for a Community College. My 2 adult sons were able to attend CC solely on their grant money (I’d been a single mom for many years before remarrying and their dad refused to submit his tax info for FAFSA - they had to request help at the college due to this, but were able to get the requirement for him to submit info waived.)
I would HIGHLY recommend talking to one of the guidance counselors at your school regarding this situation, as they will have resources local to you for help with applying for financial aid as well as possible emergency housing options.
What they’re doing is abusive and coercive! Those church graduation services are meant to HONOR those who have just graduated - not as a replacement for your actual ceremony!
Can you talk to the pastor saying you want to attend BOTH ceremonies ( you don’t but you are keeping the peace while you figure out how to safely get away from your parents’ punitive actions)but you feel like your parents think the pastor doesn’t want kids to go to the HS ceremony.
Ask the pastor to talk to them about going to both ceremonies. Keep your true thoughts close to your chest for now and appear to go along while you figure out strategies to become independent from your parents in order to live more authenticity in the future.
So, in essence, they are forcing you to turn your back on secular life with a public display, including a display of religious faith you may not even feel. Because that is *truly* why Jesus died for us - the performative displays by parents eager to show off in front of their church. (Sarcasm)
This all really feels like Mom & Dad putting on a show for the church and are perfectly willing to use money to force you to perform for them. That is not faith.
Not a trade school. Go into an apprenticeship program. They pay you from the first and you get raises. Make sure it is a federally registered apprenticeship as your completion certificate is recognized everywhere, just like a college diploma.
Talk to the pastor, ask him why you can’t do both, and really sell it. Tell him you absolutely want to be graduated before Jesus, but you also want the opportunity to share the experience with your friends and the teachers who helped you. If you can get him on your side, ask for a sit down with your mom and the pastor together and get him to talk to her. The fact that they didn’t schedule the church graduation on the exact same day as the real one shows an effort to accommodate families attending both, so it doesn’t seem like he intended it to be one or the other, but who knows.
I'm sorry. People often leave the church after college because they meet people from all walks of life and come to understand people are people wherever you go--and they all deserve respect.
The church is trying to scare your parents, and the pastor has succeeded. Try to turn this on its head: didn't they teach you right from wrong? Aren't they confident in the lessons they taught you about God? Sure, the people at the church were imperfect, but weren't you parents clear in their teachings?
Wouldn't their teaching guide you as you go into the world? You can't live in a bubble, but you can take carry all the love you have for Jesus wherever you go. But only if they let you.
Good luck.
I can’t speak for OP’s parents’ church, but ceremonies like these are super common and absolutely NOT intended to replace graduation!
The graduates are invited to attend in their cap & gown from their ACTUAL ceremony, and it’s meant to put them in front of the community as a whole as almost a “coming of age” thing to recognize them as adults and invite the church community to pray over them for their future.
Many who own businesses or work in management will offer an internship, job, mentoring or a reference if they are personally familiar with them. So it’s a way to say, “Hey these guys are starting their journey to adulthood - anyone who feels led to help support them through networking or whatever- here is our next generation!”
I'll definitely try to have a sit down with them soon to try and get through to them because they were reasonable when I didn't want to keep going after the camping incident
Remind them they shouldn't punish you for the mistakes they made when they were in college. Also that forcing you to go to church doesn't mean you will have faith. Going through the motions doesn't mean anything if you don't believe.
That's what I'm thinking. Like all of my friends will be graduating with me, and I'm pretty confident that I'll have a job next month after filling out tons of applications, but also a little scared of their threat to charge rent in July if I don't get one soon enough and not knowing how much they'll charge for something as stupid as their argument
Do you have a friend you can stay with? Maybe an understanding family? Your parents can say they will charge you rent but if you don't pay, then what? Eviction is usually a process that takes a few months. You could call their bluff which would give you time but I think your best bet is finding an understanding family and get the fuck out.
you are allowed to stop for a moment and take a breath.
Once you have I suggest even before you make any final decisions that you start moving anything of sentimental value out of your parent's reach and ask a friend to keep it for you.
Jumping on this to add; Open a bank account in just your name, that they can’t access and in a different bank to the one they use themselves.
Lock down your credit and inform your school and work about the issue so that they don’t mail transcripts, pay cheques or anything like that to your parents.
Anything in their name such as your phone or car insurance etc will need to be changed out of their names and either set up as new accounts in your name or transfer the original ones over to yourself. That way they can’t use the removal of your car or cutting off your phone as a threat.
Start packing up your stuff in preparation to move out on July 1st. If you have a car, expect your "loving" Christian parents to take it away from you. Even if you bought it with your own money. Always prepare for the worst-case scenario, so you're not blindsided. I joined the Army after high school to get out. Not saying you should, but you should consider all options. Good luck and congratulations on your major life milestone! You got this!
Find a way to move out and not depend on your parents for anything. They're blackmailing you with bullshit.
Can you stay with a friend and get a job? Research scholarships and financial aid for college? Rent a room if you can find a job?
Things are going to be tough for you either way; but I suggest you making your own future on your terms. Your parents are being assholes.
I'll look into scholarships and talking to some of my friends as soon as this week because this all happened so suddenly and I'm scared of how much they'll charge for rent in July if I really attend my HS graduation
If your school has guidance councillors talk to them about what's happening. It's their job to know what scholarships and financial aid are available to you and to help you sort out your options. Also talk to the finance office at your local college. They will also be able to help you. You can do your own research as well, but there are people whose careers are all about helping people get their desired education. Make use of them. Good luck!
You are! Sadly there are some parents who have that, “I’m a parent until they’re 18 and graduated” mentality, so it’s not uncommon to have a few students in a panic at the end of the year.
Sadly, my parents were similar so my siblings and I found ourselves growing up quickly around HS graduation ourselves.
But you CAN do this! It’s huge and scary, but you’ve got this. Once you talk to a guidance counselor, more friends and relatives you mentioned not involved in church. I have a feeling you’ll be surprised by the support and help you will receive. Just take the leap and let safe people know all that’s going on!
As a Christian, it’s SO sad you can’t trust or rely upon church-going relatives now - but you can NOT! These extreme/ignorant views come from & are supported somewhere in the family. So reach out to relatives you are 100% certain are safe while you set up a secure plan. Those relatives will have an idea which family members are trustworthy, supportive and will see how wrong and coercive this is!
If you were my niece, nephew, cousin, etc… you’d be at my house tomorrow and your parents would rue the day they used their so-called faith to do this to their own child! None of this is ok and I am so sorry you’re dealing with it!
This includes medical and food support. You'll need to make it clear to the state that the parents cut you off 100% otherwise even if you don't live with them they include their income in your calculations up until you are like 26. They usually have a process for that though so don't get discouraged. If you do move into a house with a friend, do not share food or cook together!!! If you do, the state will include their income in to your calculations. Keep everything separate from that perspective (a meal here or there is fine, but make it clear you buy and eat your own food).
Hon, my heart aches for you. I am married to a person who did not receive the support of their parents at graduation. My spouse was asked to perform a solo at graduation. The parents stood up and walked out of the ceremony when they began singing.
As sad as it may be, you need to do what is right for you. Go to your hs graduation, make plans to move out, and be on your own. It's scary, but your folks are in way too deep of a mindset that will not allow you to grow and thrive by their rules.
I will pray that God gives you the strength to weather the world. Your parents will likely come around when they see you can navigate your way without their support.
I'm still leaning towards going because my friends will be there and it's once in a lifetime, but I'm scared of their sudden threat to charge rent in July and not knowing how much or how soon I'll have a job after to pay for it. Like, what if they can throw me out and who knows how much they'll charge, and I've been applying for jobs like crazy the past few weeks before they pulled this nonsense, but that's no guarantee I'll get something by next month
Stay strong, not thinking for themselves and are mouthing the words of others. They haven't thought through the words they are saying. Talk to them rationally, but make it clear that you will not be living there come July (or August). When they start giving you noise about going to your HS graduation, just leave with them "I am going". No yelling or screaming, just matter of fact.
I would check laws for your area on this as they can vary widely. However, in many areas, they can not legally force you to leave without x days written notice. Please check with a lawyer / legal aid in your area.
She didn't pay rent as she attended college, and my parents helped her with tuition too. They also gave her a car on her 16th birthday, something I never got, but she was always really close with them and closer than me
It would be a shame if your parents missed your HS graduation. It’s recognition of the work you did in school and has nothing to do with the church. Can you try talking to them again explaining how important their presence is to you? Maybe do both graduations if they come to both?
I asked if I could do both as a compromise, but they said no and that they wanted me to attend the church graduation and resume attending church the following Sunday after taking a break the past two years or so since the bullying camping incident because they don't want me to fall away as I go to college. And if I don't agree, they'll charge me rent in July
I'm still leaning towards going because my friends will be there and it's once in a lifetime, but I'm scared of their sudden threat to charge rent in July and not knowing how much or how soon I'll have a job after to pay for it. Like, what if they can throw me out and who knows how much they'll charge, and I've been applying for jobs like crazy the past few weeks before they pulled this nonsense, but that's no guarantee I'll get something by next month
They'll be real good Christians if they chuck their daughter out on the streets because she wanted to go to her graduation.
Just go and deal with their hissyfit later.
I'm trying to weigh the risks of if they'd throw me out immediately if I attended anyway even if it's a once in a lifetime graduation because I'm not sure what would stop them as we have no lease, and I'm going to try and ask if I can stay with a friend which would remove some of their leverage
I wouldn't tell them of your plans if you're able to arrange this though. See if you call their bluff and if they do set this out as a punishment then I'd suggest going LC when you can. They're willinging creating a situation that will make your life harder, which can lead to issues down the line.
Also, what would they do, physically kick you out into homelessness?
I'm scared of them taking stuff out of my room and putting them outside if they see me attend the HS graduation because they know when it is, and I'm afraid to come back and they won't let me in if they're that far into their nonsense
I just need to make sure I have a friend first who's parents understand and would home me, but there's a lot of valuable stuff that would suck to lose too
Start bringing cardboard boxes home to pack your stuff up. If they say anything, remind them that they said you have to move out if you attend your graduation.
I'm curious about the church "graduation." How are you going to receive your diploma? They're not authorized to issue it unless you went to their private school. This is just a way to recognize church members who are graduating, not the real deal.
ETA: By any chance, are your parents Southern Baptist? It sure sounds like it.
Follow your heart as for the ceremony to attend. I know the rent piece is terrifying. Recognize that if you give into this manipulation, there will be another and another and another. Do you still have access to talk to a guidance counselor? If not, try to see if your area has organizations to help homeless people. Explain the situation and get a game plan for a safety net just in case. I’m so sorry for what you are going through
If I give in and don't attend my HS graduation due to fear of them putting my things outside of the home while I'm there, I'm still going to plan to move out this summer, but I just need to make sure I have a friend as a backup plan to home me since I still have follow-up interviews for work that I have to do too but might not start those jobs immediately depending on how soon I start, so I can't be kicked out too soon without those things
This is all so sad. You can’t force religion down someone’s throat. I would go to graduation with my friends. You may be young but you are legally an adult. Is there anywhere you can go? A relative’s? Your parents can’t force you to go to church if you don’t allow them to. Start working on your independence. As far as rent goes you can’t pay what you don’t have. Ask them what they will be charging. It’s good to know upfront.
I will ask my non-churchgoing relatives and friends and tell them everything, but I'm weighing the risk of going to my HS graduation although it's a once in a lifetime situation. I'm scared of them taking stuff out of my room and putting them outside if they see me attend the HS graduation because they know when it is, and I'm afraid to come back and they won't let me in if they're that far into their nonsense
They kept harping on the HS graduation being too "worldly" and other things, so it's one or the other with them for whatever reason now. If they could redo it, they'd probably put me in a Christian school
Nothing like using threats and cruelty to force a church on a kid for making that kid hate church and religion forever after. Unfortunately, the fanatics rarely see it that way.
I'd go talk to their pastor and ask them if this is what they had in mind when they suggested a church graduation? Tell them their goal for bringing youth back to the church is wreaking havoc with your future because your parents are taking it to the extreme. Tell the pastor that your parents trying to force you into religion will not work and will do more damage than good. Especially in a church where you were previously bullied. Ask them if this is the lesson they want to impart on young people. Join or be punished. Your pastors message was about not losing your way, not let's do everything we can to chase you away. See if the pastor will intercede with your parents.
Then talk to your family about your parents demands. "Hey grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins. Don't bother coming for graduation. My parents won't let me graduate with my class and are threatening to charge me rent and withdraw tuition help if I won't attend this church graduation. I won't be forced into that. Since I don't yet have a job to pay their rent, I'll be looking for a job and a place to live." Then if you really want to go scorched earth, post it all on your social media for friends, family, and their congregation to see. Someone will tell your parents to pull their heads out of their asses. In the meantime, start looking for that job and a room to rent.
As for the practical side, have you filed the FAFSA for financial aid? Talk to the financial aid office at the community college about grants, scholarships, and loans. Figure out how you can pay for school on your own. There are always students looking for roommates. Start asking around.
Above all, go graduate with your classmates.
Talking to the "pastor" that came up with all the gibberish about what happens when a person goes to college isn't going to be productive. The pastor is the instigator.
I don't think any decent pastor has this kind of unchristian behavior in mind. When they announced the church graduation, it probably wasn't meant to be instead of the school graduation but in addition to. That's probably why they're on different dates. A pastor isn't at fault if members of the congregation twist their message into something ugly. Good pastors don't try to force people to have faith. I seriously doubt the pastor told OP's parents to charge rent and withhold tuition money. It's the parents that went off the deep end here.
No! The Pastor did the spin about college being a din of evil, sin and all sorts of bad things. So we agree this is a bad Pastor, a bad church and rotten parents. If the kid doesn't drink the kool-aid he loses. He needs to take care of himself.
The youth pastor and assistants know about the bullying incident, but not the main pastor, so maybe I could try to talk to him, but he can be tough to find sometimes as we attend a pretty big church. I'll also talk to family who would probably take my side. The family that originally agreed to come to my graduation were churchgoers too, and they agreed to go to the church graduation instead. But there are some who aren't Christians, so I'll try to see if I can talk to them and look into the Fasfa stuff too because it all happened so fast
of course I would although in my best interest I would prefer not to return to church and haven't been in two years, but I feel as if there's a chance I might have to go through him at some point at this rate
The meeting with the pastor will be an absolute shit show, especially if you accuse someone of misconduct. I was in ministry for years, and you will never see them close ranks faster than after an accusation. He'll probably ask you to leave.
I was a worship leader who was sexually harassed by a youth minister who had been removed from the seminary program for sexual misconduct. (We were in the same seminary, but I was in the music branch.) When I reported it to the senior minister he said, "You're a threat to this young man's ministry, and by extension, you're a threat to mine. You're dangerous, and I want you out of here."
Anyway, good luck with your psycho paster and evil parents. I hope you get some freedom from them.
Maybe you can find a job that offers room and board?
Isn't there a Reddit board for that somewhere? Maybe someone that has that link could drop it to help OP find a safe place to land.
Your parents are being very unchristian so go ahead and talk to your religious relatives. I bet they don't know the whole story. Just because they go to church doesn't necessarily mean they would condone your parents threats.
True, but I'll probably try my non-churchgoing relatives first because if I take the risk of talking to the churchgoing ones, I might have to hide some stuff in case they tell my parents like backup plans in case they kick me out
Ask your heathen relatives if you can come stay with them for awhile until you get things worked out for yourself. This whole situation blows my mind. -heathen
You really need to understand that whatever is going on in that “church” or with your parents it is most certainly not Christian behavior. Also members of the clergy are just People with all the same good and bad tendencies as the rest of us.
I have never in my life heard of a pastor scheduling a graduation for church at the exact time as the HS graduation. Even if the church were a religious school, they would likely adjust time for the benefit of the community.
To be fair, the church graduation is not at the same time as my HS graduation. My HS graduation is later this week on Friday, and the church graduation will happen during Sunday service where graduates will walk down the aisle and receive prayer. He never said anything about choosing one graduation over the other, my parents did that
I am so sorry your parents are choosing this. If I lived near you I’d come and bring a huge cheering section with me. You deserve to attend your own graduation.
They’ve just made it clear that anything and everything they ever do for you will come with strings attached. As long as they pay for anything, even indirectly, for you, they will think they have to right to dictate as much of your life as they want to. Right now it’s the ceremony and attending church. How long until it’s drop out and marry their 40 year old friend? Get out as soon as you can. Don’t give them access to any of your money.
And congratulations on your graduation! It really is awesome, even if your parents are being horrid about it.
Thanks. I'm debating whether it's worth the risk to still attend my HS one against their threats while also not giving in, but debating whether they'd really throw me out for attending and if I can stay with a friend as a backup plan which I hope
If they would throw you out for attending your graduation, then they are clearly not people that care about you in any way shape or form. You deserve better. All they want is to be able to use you as a prop at church to show what godly people they are for bringing their kid to church. You deserve better.
ETA don’t miss out on something that only happens once. You may not see many of these friends again, and certainly not all at once, any time soon.
Just want to make sure I have a friend who can home me if I decide to still go to my HS graduation, but it might not be worth it too if they do that and I don't have a backup plan
I hear you. It’s absolutely maddening that you may have to choose between something as fundamental as your graduation and a place to live. It’s absolutely despicable that they would even try to call themselves parents.
“The pastor talked about how people lost their way in college by disregarding faith and morals.”
It doesn’t just happen in college - the bully in the youth group is a perfect example. How do they reconcile your bully never having been held accountable by the church and the pastor? It’s weird the pastor wouldn’t even consider when the HS graduation is - did he say no one should go to the Hs graduation and only come to the church one?
Isn’t there also something about integrity and upholding promises that is rooted in faith and morals?
Your parents withholding your education as a threat if you don’t go to church or the church graduation isn’t very Christian. Perhaps they are unaware of the hypocrisy of their actions as they seem to be losing their way once again.
I wish you luck OP.
The pastor never said anything like you shouldn't go to your regular HS graduation. According to my parents, he simply announced a church graduation that was completely separate, not replacing anything with a BBQ in the back of the church afterwards in honor of the graduates, but nothing like the pick one over the other like my parents are doing
If you haven’t, I’d point that out. If the pastor is good with it, they should be, too. Maybe a compromise? A different deal that doesn’t include your education. You go to both but not church and you get to leave as soon as the church grad is done to avoid the bully.
I understand you don’t want to go at all. However, showing a willingness to work with your parents will demonstrate a maturity and thoughtfulness on your part and make their demands appear even more unreasonable than they already are.
Yep, I’m suggesting manipulation…gentle manipulation but nevertheless, manipulation. 🤷🏽♀️
I'm open to compromising, but they want one or the other when I floated the idea of attending both and even said they let me not attend church for two years after the camping incident, so I owed them by coming now essentially. Like, I thought they allowed me not to go to protect me from that bully and because they cared for me, but now it's just leverage to them
This is why you absolutely shouldn’t go to your church graduation. They are taking an entire interstate’s worth of miles and acting like you owe them for allowing you not to attend church for the last two years. They did that because you were bullied-that wasn’t a favor. That was decent parenting, which has apparently gone out the window.
My husband went through this with his pseudo-Christian hyper-right wing parents. They will only increase their control once you while you’re living there and while they pay your tuition. They’ll make attending church mandatory, then it’ll be attending more social events with the church, then going on a date with a nice young man that’s so-and-so’s grandson, etc. Accept that you can’t count on your parents anymore and start making new plans.
They love control, especially when they can couch it in “we’re right because we’re on god’s side and you can’t convince us otherwise because you haven’t attended as much church as we have”. If you refuse, they’ll say you’re on the wrong path just like they warned you about, and they’ll continue to judge anything you do that isn’t *exactly* what they want as proof that you’re turning away from god. This is why they’re throwing down the gantlet now and refusing to allow you to attend your once-in-a-lifetime graduation with your friends and teachers.
Talk to friends and ask about staying with them and their families. Explain the situation-you can tell them your parents have suddenly told you that you must begin attending their church again, even though they allowed you to stop attending due to abuse against you going unpunished. They’re refusing to allow you to attend your graduation for no real reason. They promised to pay tuition like they did for your sister, but now they’re talking about kicking you out unless you skip your graduation, which isn’t even something your pastor wants. Explain that their sudden aggressive stance regarding church is making you feel very unsafe, and you don’t feel comfortable staying there.
I promise, a friend’s parents (especially the non-religious ones) well understand and will likely love to have you. Contact your college and ask about financial aid for estranged families. Usually schools will have extra grants etc for people in special circumstances that filled out the FAFSA, were required to provide their parent’s info but their parents will not contribute. Also ask about budget housing-they may offer a deal with a local apartment complex or offer student housing at a seriously reduced rate because of your circumstances.
Good luck!!
Do you have any other siblings? How far are you willing to go to threaten them with no contact? If you’re an only child that gives you a lot of leverage.
I have one older sibling, but she lives on her own and goes to church too albeit a different church where she lives and was gonna come up for my HS graduation but now the church graduation
No matter what else you do, talk to your sister.
1. This is not normal church behavior
2. You need to confirm exactly what your parents are telling your relatives. Don’t assume your parents are telling the truth
I'm not sure if I should since she's similar to them in the same religion and same politics and they're really close and talk a lot, so I'm not sure if she would tell them everything I say. I'll take the same precautions with my churchgoing relatives who might tell my parents by probably talking to the non-churchgoing ones first
Ask your parents how they think God feels about liars. They agreed to something and now they’re refusing to keep their word. That makes them untrustworthy liars.
And ask them what they think God would say about parents that refuse to properly care for their children. How is turning your own child out on the street in ANY WAY Christian. FYI-it’s not!
Try to make arrangements for a place to live with friends or family that are decent and sane. Your parents aren’t.
OK, I suggest you move out.
I assume you are American and over 18.
The National Parks hire at 18 AND provide really cheap housing and a meal plan for employees. You also get free wifi, so online school is 100% possible.
Just saying.https://www.xanterrajobs.com/main/xanterra/home?gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwvb-zBhCmARIsAAfUI2tztiiBWINyyWGnJgY7-KIkhPNXbLvg6Qd1u_OnUSTlT4Fctbhik1UaAj3cEALw_wcB
Your parents are literally bullying you back into the church where you were bullied AND NO ONE DID ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
I am praying you find another living situation, can attend your actual HS graduation, and get as far away from your controlling, frightening parents as possible.
Do you have any relatives that will take you in?
Your parents are AHs. Get a job asap. Attend your HS graduation. Speak to a counselor at your school and tell her what’s going on. They may have options for you.
I will ask them in addition to friends, but many of them who were coming and now coming to the church graduation were also churchgoers like my parents, so I'll most likely ask the non-churchgoers
So sorry. This is a prime example of how organized religion can be destructive.
I wonder if you started sending your parents links to apartment rentals. Asking for their input. If you show you’re willing to move out they may backtrack? I dunno. Crappy situation they’ve put you in.
Believe or else is one Hell of an argument.
Seriously, fuck your parents and the church and I'm not sorry for saying that. Because, and I promise you, if you cave once to their demands, it won't stop. They'll keep pulling the string more and more until you're there puppet.
of course, but just trying to weigh my risk of them moving my stuff outside and kicking me out if they see me attend my HS graduation by the time I get back
If they do that, that's on them. You'll bounce back without them. At least you'll have truly seen them for who/what they are. At that point, fuck them and fuck their "church". Jesus certainly would never have acted that way
Quietly make preparations to move out. Military, national parks, etc, were all recommended. At point, your ability to move freely as an adult, unattached to your parents, is more important than anything else. Make sure that you get your birth certificate and social security card from them under the guise of starting jobs and don't give them back. You can get them from agencies if you have to but it's a lot easier if you have them to begin with. I can absolutely see your parents trying to use them as a form of
Forcing people to church is not what the Bible preaches and a talk with the pastor about how threatened you feel by your parents suddenly saying 'church or or take everything and compromise your future' makes you feel like that pastor's church is dangerous. I would not confront your parents or the pastor until you have an exit plan/friend's couch ready, unless you feel they won't take things too far - your gut is a good resource.
It's very christian of them to threaten you with homelessness for not doing what they want. That's so charitable and kind. These are the christians that america is made out of.
lol let them charge you rent and just don’t pay them.
Then move when you feel like it and go to college and continue to be awesome. Sorry; this must be really messed up for you. I would feel like I’m straight up grieving a loved one’s passing.
But yeah let those assholes try to go through the whole eviction process.
I'm sorry your parents are being that way and now you have to figure out how to maneuver around their unreasonableness. If you're concerned about them doing something with your belongings, I have some suggestions, just in case you're feeling too overwhelmed to think. I'm going to assume you have friends you trust and/or can stay with. I'm also going to assume you have access to some money whether its yours or something you can borrow.
Maybe pack up the things that are the most important or necessary and leave them at the other place. I'd consider renting a UHaul or borrowing someone's truck/vehicle and have friends show up without warning to help you move out whatever else is yours and stash it in storage at a rental place or in a friend's garage if that's an option.
I'd do these things before the real graduation and then at least your belongings can't be held hostage. If I knew I was going to be out of the house, I'd re-invite my family to my graduation and let them know my parents are not going to cooperate.
If you wanted to, you could talk with the pastor at the church, and if he seemed to be on your side, ask him to invite your parents to a sit-down and then air out everything. Maybe see if counselors or teachers at your school (or Child Services) have any ideas or could offer any help.
Oh hell no. Go to your school graduation. You will never get the opportunity to have that experience ever again.
The church sounds like it has purposely scheduled the events at the same time in order to exert control over their congregation and as a way to test who will fall into line and who doesn’t.
It is petty, cruel and frankly I would burn in hell before I’d continue to be a part of that church.
Do you have any other family that would be sympathetic to you about this situation and would be willing to have you stay with them while you’re still in education?
Or failing that would you be able to speak with a trusted teacher or guidance counsellor? They may be able to help you access some alternative accommodation and funding for your college tuition costs since your parents are making your funding conditional upon you meeting all the dictates and whims of their pastor.
I'm going to weigh the risk of attending, and if I can't find a friend's parents to home me, I won't risk going to my HS graduation only to return with my things maybe outside and locks changed if I don't have backup shelter. Also, the church didn't schedule a conflicting graduation ceremony. The church's ceremony will take place during normal church service on Sunday for a few minutes, and the pastor never said anything about attending the church's ceremony instead of your school one. I still disagree with a lot of his sermon about making sure kids stayed in church post-high school, but my parents are the ones forcing me to go to the church graduation instead of my HS one
No, they want me to attend church regularly starting with that graduation church Sunday in two weeks so that I don't fall away from God when going to "worldly" college or else they'll charge me rent
If in the end you feel you have no choice, you could either give them an ultimatum that if they force you to go after the bullying you experienced at that place then you will make sure to tell family gossip or make offensive( I mean offensive for church people) remarks that will make them look bad to the church members or you could just do it anyway without giving an ultimatum. Tell them that you are a person who believes in being a good person and sticking to your word and promises and that its a shame they have no problem not keeping to their word. You go to church but make sure to share small little secrets that your parents wouldn't want known, family tea (ex. If your family amd that church are anti LGBTQ+ then tell church members that your parents donated to a foundation that supports the community or that they have done something in support of them), etc. If they want to be vindictive then so can you. You can also do what you're comfortable with, but don't let others force you into discomfort because they can't be supportive, loving parents that don't want absolute control over their kid.
If it was me, I'd skip my HS graduation and pretend to go along with whatever they wanted, like they won, while planning my escape. You don't owe them any honesty or inclusion in your actual plans. Then you leave and go no contact.
Find a friend and ask if you can keep your important things with them. Then do whatever you can to move out. Tell your parents God would be discussed with them as did is all seeing and knowing. Tell them that if they wanted to push you away from church, this is how you do it.
In any case get out ASAP as no matter what you do they will control you by any means.
Interesting path to consider ..
cna jobs will pay for school if you work for them . So you get school plus full time job
Cna jobs at hospitals will contribute toward nursing degrees. Rn, Aprn or doctor degrees are very solid careers .
Reality is you are playing a game.
Agree to attend the church ceremony . Ask pastor about attending regular ceremony also. Tell parents your pastor said yes ( assuming he does)
Work out other options. Check roommate sites , ask friends families, not church family members. Place for the summer
Check with town social worker or local Medicaid office
I’m sorry your parents are psychotic assholes.
I stopped talking to my parents around 23 and moved out at 19. It was the best decision I ever made. I wish you luck in your quest for freedom.
There are options!!
If you are between the age of 16 and 24 and live in the US, please go look at the Job Corp website. It’s a federal program for low income young adults that provides free tech school with housing, meals, basic medical, mental health, and a living allowance.
You can start there and learn a trade. Many employers also pay for you to continue your education.
Job Corps programs are spread across the US so you can get some distance from your family and their church too.
Also, go confide in your favorite teacher or guidance counselor that you are no longer allowed to attend graduation. They may be able to get through to your parents to let you attend, and if nothing else the embarrassment of outsiders knowing they aren’t letting you may change their mind.
Talk to a school councillor / teacher, ask a friend if their parents would let you stay with them and tell them why, get all your important docs and personal stuff out of the house, go to your high school graduation and block your parents on social media everywhere. Can a family member / grandparents not intervene ?
What's Christian about blackmailing your child to give up something important to them? I dont even understand how they think what they are doing is godly in any way. It's madness. I'm sorry they have trapped you and im sorry they are bad people. I hope you manage to get away from their craziness one day.
Here let me translate for you "the pastor talked about how people lost their way in college by disregarding faith and morals" - what he means is that in college you are exposed to different viewpoints and you learn to think for yourself rather than what you are told to think. You learn that there are varying perspectives on issues not just the one that the pastor is preaching. Neither the pastor, nor your parents want you to be educated as then you may realize that they are manipulating people to do as they want (and the church is making money off of them, don't forget that. Look at how right the Catholic Church, the Mormon Church, heck even Scientology is rolling in money).
INFO: do you think your pastor will be against you attending your HS graduation AND the church graduation? On the off chance you think he would support both, talk to him and ask him to talk to your parents on behalf of you.
Remove your important documents from the house and see if you can move in with friends. No one should ever be forced to go to church or church functions even God wouldn't approve of their behavior. Your best bet is to talk to some of your good friends with their parents and tell them what's going on. I'm sure one of your friends parent's will help and let you stay with them. If someone does offer you a place to stay, don't take their generosity for granted, get a job, and when you get your first paycheck, hand them like 50.00 bucks or go buy some groceries. Help with chores around their house to show appreciation for them letting you stay and ask if you can stay till you save up enough to find your own place to live. Maybe you and some friends can find a place to rent together splitting the rent find roommates, and until you get a job and figure out your living situation, college may have to be put on hold. Try looking into grants and financial aid. You should talk to your high-school guidance counselor. And there is always community college and trade schools that are cheaper than a big university. Here in my state Tennessee high-school graduates can get 2 years free of community college our lottery also has grants for college but talk with your guidance counselor they will know if there's state funded programs to help with trade school and college.
Tell your parents that you love them and them using money to blackmail you into church isn't a way God would approve of he wants you to want to be there and I'd find a different church where you won't get bullied. You don't have to go to church to be a good Christian, but when you do go to church, find one that makes you feel loved and welcomed.
You will be ok your just gonna have to stand up for yourself and take care of yourself yeah it's better to have a support system from your parents but this is your life and you need to live it for you not them. I think if you don't go to your hs graduation you'll regret it and have resentment towards your parents and will fracture your relationship with them that will be hard to repair in the future if you choose to stay in contact with them.
Things are going to be hard, and you're scared, but just put one foot in front of the other and solve the problems that are right in front of you. I'm sure you had your heart set on going to college but if your parents won't help and you don't have grants or scholarships or savings for it you may have to change your plans until you can afford to go.
You have been in school for 18 years, and graduation is your reward, so please don't miss it. You earned that diploma and to walk across that stage. Your parents suck for trying to take that away from you, so if it were me, I wouldn't let them, even if that meant getting kicked out.
Again hopefully a friend's parents will help you out by letting you stay with them until you can get on your feet. I do hope your parents change their minds try talking to them about how you have earned graduation with your friend's and that have you not been a good kid why are they not trusting you now and why that they think you'll make mistakes like they did or whatever they say is the reason they don't want you to attend your hs graduation.
Ask them what makes them not trust you when they did a few weeks ago when it was planned with everyone attending. Tell them you're going and want them there, and are they not proud of you for graduating? Tell them you hate that they're trying to take this away from you and that if you must you will find somewhere else to live and they can either support you and be part of your life or not that it's up to them.
HS graduation won't really mean a lot in the big scheme. It's a mile stone your parents are turning into a millstone. Sell your soul for your parents and then GTFO and don't ever look back. Your parents are actively pushing you away. So be gone. NC then.
With all due respect, your parents are manipulative assholes, because that’s what they are doing, if you don’t stand for yourself, they will keep doing this and more every time something is not done as they wish. Don’t do anything you don’t want to just to give them the pleasure.
Cultists are weird....
Probably for the best they exposed their unloving, non-neighborly, judgemental, imaginary skydaddy bullshit now rather than later.
It would be best for you to move out ASAP. Community College will always be there, and there is no rush to start your life. There is a rush, however, to get away from this abusive relationship with your parents. Your parents are trying to financially control you and cast fear to get you to do what they want. That's not a good parenting style and will only leave you with traumas that will hurt your ability to create healthy relationships in the future. You must become self-efficient so you do not have to rely on their money and become free to make any decision you want. I guarantee you they will throw it in your face later that they paid for college the second you do something they don't like.
If I were you, I'd do the following:
1. Go to your own graduation. You want to go, then go.
2. Apply for every scholarship known to man. There's bound to be some scholarships out there to help pay your way. Ask your school guidance counselor they are good resources.
3. Get a job immediately and start to save every penny.
3b. If you don't have your own bank account (maybe you have a joint one with your parents) get one.
4. You're more than likely not going to be able to afford to live on your own. Find someone you can trust to room with and start looking for apartments.
5. Your parents may still try to control you once you start making your own decisions. STAND YOUR GROUND. CREATE CONCRETE BOUNDARIES WITH THEM.
Just an idea. Depends on pastor but if he? Wasn’t trying to make church recognition exclusive - maybe he could talk to your parents for you and convince them to let you attend both. It seems you don’t mind attending church celebration as well actual graduation; it’s the one, not other bit that bothers you. Could also ask a teacher you trust.
This is exactly why I quickly became an atheist as a child, the church is a fucking cult. Religion is disgusting except for those that are truly living it and keep it to themselves, such as the Buddhist monks. That is respectable.
Our area churches do this, too, but it has always been understood that the church "graduation" was IN ADDITION TO the high school graduation. In fact, the church ceremonies are not considered actual graduations, just an event where they honor church's graduates. Also, I think your parents are misinterpreting what your pastor meant about people losing their way in college. Your pastor's ceremony and praying over the graduates is probably meant to safeguard high school graduates before they enter college. I don't think they meant that no one should attend college, ever. (Many pastors had to get their degree before they could enter the field.) If I were you, I would contact your pastor and ask them to clarify to your parents what they mean, that your parents think that the church ceremony is meant to replace the graduation and that now your parents are threatening to evict you if you still decide to attend college based on whatever it was that your pastor said. If your pastor is a decent person, they'd be appalled.
That being said, I think your parents are completely in the wrong here. You cannot and should not force someone to become a believer, and nor should you rescind on your offer to help someone just because that person is refusing to be under your control 100%. I think your parents should have escalated the issue of the girl bullying you to the youth director and beyond that, but they were also right to not force you to attend somewhere you were not welcome. They could have conducted bible studies at home or found another church if you not attending bothered them so much, but this sudden last-minute change was ridiculous and unfair.
What your parents are doing is controlling. It is based on fear of what will happen to you based on what the pastor said. I am a Christian and it’s true, many leave the church when they go to college, but that’s their choice and it’s part of finding their own faith, not their parents. My kids all moved away and all still love God. Nowhere in the Bible does Jesus make people follow Him. I would suggest talking to this pastor. Explain to him the situation. Ask him to show you scripturally where people are coerced into doing things for God. It’s not there. God wants us to choose Him freely. Your parents and possibly your pastor don’t believe God is enough to draw you to following Him. Read Luke 15. The father represents God and he lets his son go…he doesn’t force him to stay. Read it and it may be something you can share with your parents…Also, as soon as you can I would move out. Your parents still see you as a child. They will try to control other areas of your life. They won’t want you staying out late, dating a certain person, etc. It would be better to even forgo school for a year and just work and become financially independent and able to make your own decisions. It will save you from resenting your parents….
You need to find somewhere safe to stay. If you can't take all your belongings, take what is most important to you. The next step will probably be them going through your belongings to purge them of any items the church deems too worldly etc.
I would tell them that if they want you to attend the church graduation ceremony you will only go if you can attend your HS graduation ceremony. Basically turn their threat around. Talk to the pastor at the church about what’s going on. I’m pretty sure he won’t be on their side about kicking you out or making you miss your ceremony with your friends. I’m not sure I wouldn’t go to church because of one bully but that is your decision.
Ask friends and relatives if you can stay with them in July, preferably someone local.
Worst case scenario, enlist. Find the recruiter that will sign you up for the training you qualify for and get it in writing, don’t take their word for it. IT and networking in any of the armed forces are great careers that put you in a better place than four years of college. There are lots of other opportunities they can train you for.
ETA make sure you have your birth certificate and social security card somewhere they can’t keep it from you. Any possessions that are important to you, clothes, etc. see if a friend can keep them for you.
Make sure the rest of your family knows what they have said. At least one of them may think your parents are going too far. ( I attend church regularly but I would never do this.)
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If you can’t pay rent, what are your parents going to do, evict you?
I guess that's what they meant or maybe they expect me to have a job by next month (I at least plan to regardless), but maybe it was an empty threat too, but I would rather not find out the hard way, so I'm trying to see if there's any relatives I can talk to who would listen since most of the ones coming for my HS graduation are also churchgoers and are now attending the church graduation after my parents told them to
You likely will not change your parents mind on this long term. Can you attend both graduations and still go to church until you get a job? If so, save up enough to move out and pay your own tuition and do so as soon as possible. If they are going to try to use money to control you in ways you're not comfortable with, you need to refuse their money going forward and become self sufficient. If you don't have a career picked out, maybe consider changing gears and go to a trade school instead. They are faster and tend to be cheaper. If you are good at doing ACs or plumbing, you can likely start your own business after 5 years and you've learned the trade and make great money. I'm not putting college down, but it's very expensive and difficult if you don't have parental financial backing. It took me 8 years of college (undergrad + law school + post grad) to start earning money, and another 7 before I felt ready to open my own firm, whereas most trade schools take less than 2 years and you often start making money as an apprentice before you finish if you are quick on the uptake.
I will definitely look into a trade, but they said that they'll charge me rent in July if I attend my HS graduation and my church one, so it's the church one by itself or nothing along with attending church afterwards
I learnt something far too late that might help you. Don't expect to change your parents minds and don't expect them to fix or heal the traumas they caused. I wasted so much time
This is why so many people end up going NC with their parents. Once they are legally adults. I lucked out with good parents, but there's an entire side of the family we don't talk to because of this kind of thing. You won't change them, and you don't really have many options in life if you don't get some kind of Post-Secondary education. Your best option is probably going to be a trade based on financial restrictions now, unless you want to join the military for Four years, so they pay for your schooling.
They were reasonable with me with not letting me attend the past two years after the bullying incident, but then they even brought that up as leverage, so I see what you mean some which hurts
Friends are good for caring and helping express our feelings. Also good to chat with a professional if it gets too much. Good luck out there and remember you can't control what they do or say, but you can control how you react
Please keep in mind that religious teachings are not about guilt, payback, blackmail, or otherwise. Your parents are not good people if they're flinging it back in your face that they didn't force you to suffer with being bullied.
Christian Love. Do what we tell you to do, our way is the only way. Look to the future. Do you really want your batshit crazy religious parents around your own future children? If you lived near me I would rent you a inexpensive room just to get you away from your parents. Trades are a great career. Learn to weld. Take care from a person that was raised by a foxhole atheist and a loving Christian mother that followed JC’s teachings. Peace and Love.
Could you attend in secret? If not I suggest calling their bluff.
They know when it is, so I'm not sure and it might be risky
Would you rather miss it and that memory with your friends or risk getting caught? Do you really think they'd make you homeless? Also, how old are you, if you aren't 18 yet I don't think they can kick you out of the house. Furthermore, they probably cant kick you out overnight, you're a resident, you likely would need to be evicted, though those laws vary by state and I'm unfamiliar with the laws in your state. In my state the process would take at least a month, though I've heard in some states there are expedited rules when the owner is also a resident and there is no signed contract
I'm 18, but we have no lease which scares me, but I'll look into the laws you mentioned and see if a friend's parent can help me find legal advice. I'm going to weigh the risk of attending my HS graduation, but I'm scared of them taking stuff out of my room and putting them outside if they see me attend the HS graduation because they know when it is, and I'm afraid to come back and they won't let me in if they're that far into their nonsense
If that is a serious concern, make sure you have all your legal documents outside the home before you do anything. Your ss card, your birth certificate, your passport, etc. I'm a new parent. If you think they might literally kick you out for wanting to celebrate with your friends, then know they have failed and do your best to succeed in spite of them. Maybe talk to your friend's parents about moving in if they kick you out, at least until you get a job waiting tables to pay the rent. I'd call their bluff if I were you, but I was reckless as hell at your age. Still have your documents somewhere out of their control. Also make sure your bank accounts don't have their names on it. If they ever were in the account, change banks, not just accounts. Sometimes tellers fuck up when kids are involved and give bad parents access or information they shouldn't have if they used to be on the account. It's illegal, but it happens and you don't want them to be able to fuck with your money.
I'll see if I can talk to a friend's parents to see what I should do best and maybe get legal advice too, but will definitely look into the bank stuff
It doesn't matter if you have a lease or not. You are a tenant in their house. They would have to formally evict you through the courts and that doesn't happen overnight. If your parents try going the route of just putting your stuff outside, call the police. The police will force them to let you back in until they file and eviction. I know it's scary, but if you cave now, your parents will never look at you as an adult. You will be 22 still stuck at their house and then blackmailing you to keep control over you. Your only option is to make a stand now no matter how tough it is. Do you have a friend whose parents might let you stay there? Even if you had to pay a little rent once you got a job, it's better to pay them rent and have freedom vs paying your parents rent and still getting told what to do. Also, maybe try and shame them through the church. Tell everyone how your going to be homeless because your parents are throwing you out and ask if there is any homeless assistance through the church. It will get back your your parents. If they care about their image they will back off real quick.
THIS - lease or no lease, you’ve been an established resident and they can’t just kick you out. They have to give notice… Hell, squatters manage to pull this off, but you OP have an absolute right to receive notice and we Christians are supposed to follow the law of the land. (And for the record, there is nothing God-honoring about how they’re handling this!) If you can work out a place to stay, the school part will still work out as the grants out there should more than cover fees for a Community College. My 2 adult sons were able to attend CC solely on their grant money (I’d been a single mom for many years before remarrying and their dad refused to submit his tax info for FAFSA - they had to request help at the college due to this, but were able to get the requirement for him to submit info waived.) I would HIGHLY recommend talking to one of the guidance counselors at your school regarding this situation, as they will have resources local to you for help with applying for financial aid as well as possible emergency housing options. What they’re doing is abusive and coercive! Those church graduation services are meant to HONOR those who have just graduated - not as a replacement for your actual ceremony!
If you have a friend whose parents could help, move the most important things to the friends house. Taking your stuff to punish you is abuse!
Can you talk to the pastor saying you want to attend BOTH ceremonies ( you don’t but you are keeping the peace while you figure out how to safely get away from your parents’ punitive actions)but you feel like your parents think the pastor doesn’t want kids to go to the HS ceremony. Ask the pastor to talk to them about going to both ceremonies. Keep your true thoughts close to your chest for now and appear to go along while you figure out strategies to become independent from your parents in order to live more authenticity in the future.
So, in essence, they are forcing you to turn your back on secular life with a public display, including a display of religious faith you may not even feel. Because that is *truly* why Jesus died for us - the performative displays by parents eager to show off in front of their church. (Sarcasm) This all really feels like Mom & Dad putting on a show for the church and are perfectly willing to use money to force you to perform for them. That is not faith.
Not a trade school. Go into an apprenticeship program. They pay you from the first and you get raises. Make sure it is a federally registered apprenticeship as your completion certificate is recognized everywhere, just like a college diploma.
Talk to the pastor, ask him why you can’t do both, and really sell it. Tell him you absolutely want to be graduated before Jesus, but you also want the opportunity to share the experience with your friends and the teachers who helped you. If you can get him on your side, ask for a sit down with your mom and the pastor together and get him to talk to her. The fact that they didn’t schedule the church graduation on the exact same day as the real one shows an effort to accommodate families attending both, so it doesn’t seem like he intended it to be one or the other, but who knows.
Op this is the best way to handle it if your parents aren't flexible. They care so much about his opinion, so maybe he can help
>and really sell it. Throw in a few 'jesus spoke to me about HS"
I'm sorry. People often leave the church after college because they meet people from all walks of life and come to understand people are people wherever you go--and they all deserve respect. The church is trying to scare your parents, and the pastor has succeeded. Try to turn this on its head: didn't they teach you right from wrong? Aren't they confident in the lessons they taught you about God? Sure, the people at the church were imperfect, but weren't you parents clear in their teachings? Wouldn't their teaching guide you as you go into the world? You can't live in a bubble, but you can take carry all the love you have for Jesus wherever you go. But only if they let you. Good luck.
People leave because of the psycho controlling bullshit like this. The church has no standing to do an educational graduation.
They have no standing to do much at all but that's never stopped them
Oh, for sure. It feels a little culty and makes me wonder what denomination.
I can’t speak for OP’s parents’ church, but ceremonies like these are super common and absolutely NOT intended to replace graduation! The graduates are invited to attend in their cap & gown from their ACTUAL ceremony, and it’s meant to put them in front of the community as a whole as almost a “coming of age” thing to recognize them as adults and invite the church community to pray over them for their future. Many who own businesses or work in management will offer an internship, job, mentoring or a reference if they are personally familiar with them. So it’s a way to say, “Hey these guys are starting their journey to adulthood - anyone who feels led to help support them through networking or whatever- here is our next generation!”
Celebration/ceremonies - yes They do not have the credentials to hand out a diploma.
I'll definitely try to have a sit down with them soon to try and get through to them because they were reasonable when I didn't want to keep going after the camping incident
Remind them they shouldn't punish you for the mistakes they made when they were in college. Also that forcing you to go to church doesn't mean you will have faith. Going through the motions doesn't mean anything if you don't believe.
You'll regret not going to your regular graduation. Go and deal with the consequences later.
That's what I'm thinking. Like all of my friends will be graduating with me, and I'm pretty confident that I'll have a job next month after filling out tons of applications, but also a little scared of their threat to charge rent in July if I don't get one soon enough and not knowing how much they'll charge for something as stupid as their argument
Do you have a friend you can stay with? Maybe an understanding family? Your parents can say they will charge you rent but if you don't pay, then what? Eviction is usually a process that takes a few months. You could call their bluff which would give you time but I think your best bet is finding an understanding family and get the fuck out.
I will definitely ask this week because it all happened so suddenly because that would really help
get your hands on your personal documents NOW. Make sure they can't hold them over you or use them to f with your life/future
I'll definitely try as it's so much to remember that happened so fast
you are allowed to stop for a moment and take a breath. Once you have I suggest even before you make any final decisions that you start moving anything of sentimental value out of your parent's reach and ask a friend to keep it for you.
Jumping on this to add; Open a bank account in just your name, that they can’t access and in a different bank to the one they use themselves. Lock down your credit and inform your school and work about the issue so that they don’t mail transcripts, pay cheques or anything like that to your parents. Anything in their name such as your phone or car insurance etc will need to be changed out of their names and either set up as new accounts in your name or transfer the original ones over to yourself. That way they can’t use the removal of your car or cutting off your phone as a threat.
Start packing up your stuff in preparation to move out on July 1st. If you have a car, expect your "loving" Christian parents to take it away from you. Even if you bought it with your own money. Always prepare for the worst-case scenario, so you're not blindsided. I joined the Army after high school to get out. Not saying you should, but you should consider all options. Good luck and congratulations on your major life milestone! You got this!
I agree with you.
Find a way to move out and not depend on your parents for anything. They're blackmailing you with bullshit. Can you stay with a friend and get a job? Research scholarships and financial aid for college? Rent a room if you can find a job? Things are going to be tough for you either way; but I suggest you making your own future on your terms. Your parents are being assholes.
I'll look into scholarships and talking to some of my friends as soon as this week because this all happened so suddenly and I'm scared of how much they'll charge for rent in July if I really attend my HS graduation
If your school has guidance councillors talk to them about what's happening. It's their job to know what scholarships and financial aid are available to you and to help you sort out your options. Also talk to the finance office at your local college. They will also be able to help you. You can do your own research as well, but there are people whose careers are all about helping people get their desired education. Make use of them. Good luck!
This is my last week in school, so I'll see if I still am able to
You are! Sadly there are some parents who have that, “I’m a parent until they’re 18 and graduated” mentality, so it’s not uncommon to have a few students in a panic at the end of the year. Sadly, my parents were similar so my siblings and I found ourselves growing up quickly around HS graduation ourselves. But you CAN do this! It’s huge and scary, but you’ve got this. Once you talk to a guidance counselor, more friends and relatives you mentioned not involved in church. I have a feeling you’ll be surprised by the support and help you will receive. Just take the leap and let safe people know all that’s going on! As a Christian, it’s SO sad you can’t trust or rely upon church-going relatives now - but you can NOT! These extreme/ignorant views come from & are supported somewhere in the family. So reach out to relatives you are 100% certain are safe while you set up a secure plan. Those relatives will have an idea which family members are trustworthy, supportive and will see how wrong and coercive this is! If you were my niece, nephew, cousin, etc… you’d be at my house tomorrow and your parents would rue the day they used their so-called faith to do this to their own child! None of this is ok and I am so sorry you’re dealing with it!
Look into getting state assistance for food and whatever else you can.
This includes medical and food support. You'll need to make it clear to the state that the parents cut you off 100% otherwise even if you don't live with them they include their income in your calculations up until you are like 26. They usually have a process for that though so don't get discouraged. If you do move into a house with a friend, do not share food or cook together!!! If you do, the state will include their income in to your calculations. Keep everything separate from that perspective (a meal here or there is fine, but make it clear you buy and eat your own food).
If they're going to charge you rent, you might as well see if you can get into a state school that has dorms.
Hon, my heart aches for you. I am married to a person who did not receive the support of their parents at graduation. My spouse was asked to perform a solo at graduation. The parents stood up and walked out of the ceremony when they began singing. As sad as it may be, you need to do what is right for you. Go to your hs graduation, make plans to move out, and be on your own. It's scary, but your folks are in way too deep of a mindset that will not allow you to grow and thrive by their rules. I will pray that God gives you the strength to weather the world. Your parents will likely come around when they see you can navigate your way without their support.
I'm still leaning towards going because my friends will be there and it's once in a lifetime, but I'm scared of their sudden threat to charge rent in July and not knowing how much or how soon I'll have a job after to pay for it. Like, what if they can throw me out and who knows how much they'll charge, and I've been applying for jobs like crazy the past few weeks before they pulled this nonsense, but that's no guarantee I'll get something by next month
Stay strong, not thinking for themselves and are mouthing the words of others. They haven't thought through the words they are saying. Talk to them rationally, but make it clear that you will not be living there come July (or August). When they start giving you noise about going to your HS graduation, just leave with them "I am going". No yelling or screaming, just matter of fact.
Would they be able to kick me out immediately though if I went to my HS graduation since I have no lease?
I would check laws for your area on this as they can vary widely. However, in many areas, they can not legally force you to leave without x days written notice. Please check with a lawyer / legal aid in your area.
I'll see if I can find legal advice with the help of a friend's parents if not on my own
Good luck, this lady is rooting for ya.
It is difficult to say how strong their resolve is from here. I tend to believe they would not. Are you an only or oldest child?
My older sister lives on her own, but is also a churchgoer, so I don't think she'd be good to vent to because she's close with my parents
I was curious how she was transitioned out of the house. Was she given unreasonable requirements or have to face paying rent? What about college?
She didn't pay rent as she attended college, and my parents helped her with tuition too. They also gave her a car on her 16th birthday, something I never got, but she was always really close with them and closer than me
Uh, what the heck? My question would be why the double standard?
The sister is the family Golden Child. Mommy and Daddy's perfect little angel.
No they will have to evict you but they also need a legal bidding contract of rent agreement.
It would be a shame if your parents missed your HS graduation. It’s recognition of the work you did in school and has nothing to do with the church. Can you try talking to them again explaining how important their presence is to you? Maybe do both graduations if they come to both?
I asked if I could do both as a compromise, but they said no and that they wanted me to attend the church graduation and resume attending church the following Sunday after taking a break the past two years or so since the bullying camping incident because they don't want me to fall away as I go to college. And if I don't agree, they'll charge me rent in July I'm still leaning towards going because my friends will be there and it's once in a lifetime, but I'm scared of their sudden threat to charge rent in July and not knowing how much or how soon I'll have a job after to pay for it. Like, what if they can throw me out and who knows how much they'll charge, and I've been applying for jobs like crazy the past few weeks before they pulled this nonsense, but that's no guarantee I'll get something by next month
They'll be real good Christians if they chuck their daughter out on the streets because she wanted to go to her graduation. Just go and deal with their hissyfit later.
I'm trying to weigh the risks of if they'd throw me out immediately if I attended anyway even if it's a once in a lifetime graduation because I'm not sure what would stop them as we have no lease, and I'm going to try and ask if I can stay with a friend which would remove some of their leverage
I wouldn't tell them of your plans if you're able to arrange this though. See if you call their bluff and if they do set this out as a punishment then I'd suggest going LC when you can. They're willinging creating a situation that will make your life harder, which can lead to issues down the line. Also, what would they do, physically kick you out into homelessness?
I'm scared of them taking stuff out of my room and putting them outside if they see me attend the HS graduation because they know when it is, and I'm afraid to come back and they won't let me in if they're that far into their nonsense
Maybe it'll br a blessing in disguise. I'd never see these people again if they pulled that.
I just need to make sure I have a friend first who's parents understand and would home me, but there's a lot of valuable stuff that would suck to lose too
Start bringing cardboard boxes home to pack your stuff up. If they say anything, remind them that they said you have to move out if you attend your graduation. I'm curious about the church "graduation." How are you going to receive your diploma? They're not authorized to issue it unless you went to their private school. This is just a way to recognize church members who are graduating, not the real deal. ETA: By any chance, are your parents Southern Baptist? It sure sounds like it.
Follow your heart as for the ceremony to attend. I know the rent piece is terrifying. Recognize that if you give into this manipulation, there will be another and another and another. Do you still have access to talk to a guidance counselor? If not, try to see if your area has organizations to help homeless people. Explain the situation and get a game plan for a safety net just in case. I’m so sorry for what you are going through
If I give in and don't attend my HS graduation due to fear of them putting my things outside of the home while I'm there, I'm still going to plan to move out this summer, but I just need to make sure I have a friend as a backup plan to home me since I still have follow-up interviews for work that I have to do too but might not start those jobs immediately depending on how soon I start, so I can't be kicked out too soon without those things
This is all so sad. You can’t force religion down someone’s throat. I would go to graduation with my friends. You may be young but you are legally an adult. Is there anywhere you can go? A relative’s? Your parents can’t force you to go to church if you don’t allow them to. Start working on your independence. As far as rent goes you can’t pay what you don’t have. Ask them what they will be charging. It’s good to know upfront.
I will ask my non-churchgoing relatives and friends and tell them everything, but I'm weighing the risk of going to my HS graduation although it's a once in a lifetime situation. I'm scared of them taking stuff out of my room and putting them outside if they see me attend the HS graduation because they know when it is, and I'm afraid to come back and they won't let me in if they're that far into their nonsense
I’m at a loss for words. Why do they object if you’re willing to do both graduations?
They kept harping on the HS graduation being too "worldly" and other things, so it's one or the other with them for whatever reason now. If they could redo it, they'd probably put me in a Christian school
Nothing like using threats and cruelty to force a church on a kid for making that kid hate church and religion forever after. Unfortunately, the fanatics rarely see it that way.
I'd go talk to their pastor and ask them if this is what they had in mind when they suggested a church graduation? Tell them their goal for bringing youth back to the church is wreaking havoc with your future because your parents are taking it to the extreme. Tell the pastor that your parents trying to force you into religion will not work and will do more damage than good. Especially in a church where you were previously bullied. Ask them if this is the lesson they want to impart on young people. Join or be punished. Your pastors message was about not losing your way, not let's do everything we can to chase you away. See if the pastor will intercede with your parents. Then talk to your family about your parents demands. "Hey grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins. Don't bother coming for graduation. My parents won't let me graduate with my class and are threatening to charge me rent and withdraw tuition help if I won't attend this church graduation. I won't be forced into that. Since I don't yet have a job to pay their rent, I'll be looking for a job and a place to live." Then if you really want to go scorched earth, post it all on your social media for friends, family, and their congregation to see. Someone will tell your parents to pull their heads out of their asses. In the meantime, start looking for that job and a room to rent. As for the practical side, have you filed the FAFSA for financial aid? Talk to the financial aid office at the community college about grants, scholarships, and loans. Figure out how you can pay for school on your own. There are always students looking for roommates. Start asking around. Above all, go graduate with your classmates.
Talking to the "pastor" that came up with all the gibberish about what happens when a person goes to college isn't going to be productive. The pastor is the instigator.
I don't think any decent pastor has this kind of unchristian behavior in mind. When they announced the church graduation, it probably wasn't meant to be instead of the school graduation but in addition to. That's probably why they're on different dates. A pastor isn't at fault if members of the congregation twist their message into something ugly. Good pastors don't try to force people to have faith. I seriously doubt the pastor told OP's parents to charge rent and withhold tuition money. It's the parents that went off the deep end here.
No! The Pastor did the spin about college being a din of evil, sin and all sorts of bad things. So we agree this is a bad Pastor, a bad church and rotten parents. If the kid doesn't drink the kool-aid he loses. He needs to take care of himself.
I think talking to him about having left the church due to bullying might be worthwhile.
The youth pastor and assistants know about the bullying incident, but not the main pastor, so maybe I could try to talk to him, but he can be tough to find sometimes as we attend a pretty big church. I'll also talk to family who would probably take my side. The family that originally agreed to come to my graduation were churchgoers too, and they agreed to go to the church graduation instead. But there are some who aren't Christians, so I'll try to see if I can talk to them and look into the Fasfa stuff too because it all happened so fast
Name names when you speak to the pastor.
of course I would although in my best interest I would prefer not to return to church and haven't been in two years, but I feel as if there's a chance I might have to go through him at some point at this rate
The meeting with the pastor will be an absolute shit show, especially if you accuse someone of misconduct. I was in ministry for years, and you will never see them close ranks faster than after an accusation. He'll probably ask you to leave. I was a worship leader who was sexually harassed by a youth minister who had been removed from the seminary program for sexual misconduct. (We were in the same seminary, but I was in the music branch.) When I reported it to the senior minister he said, "You're a threat to this young man's ministry, and by extension, you're a threat to mine. You're dangerous, and I want you out of here." Anyway, good luck with your psycho paster and evil parents. I hope you get some freedom from them. Maybe you can find a job that offers room and board? Isn't there a Reddit board for that somewhere? Maybe someone that has that link could drop it to help OP find a safe place to land.
I'm honestly not even sure if I'll talk to the pastor and will probably get advice first from a friend's parents
Your parents are being very unchristian so go ahead and talk to your religious relatives. I bet they don't know the whole story. Just because they go to church doesn't necessarily mean they would condone your parents threats.
True, but I'll probably try my non-churchgoing relatives first because if I take the risk of talking to the churchgoing ones, I might have to hide some stuff in case they tell my parents like backup plans in case they kick me out
Ask your heathen relatives if you can come stay with them for awhile until you get things worked out for yourself. This whole situation blows my mind. -heathen
You really need to understand that whatever is going on in that “church” or with your parents it is most certainly not Christian behavior. Also members of the clergy are just People with all the same good and bad tendencies as the rest of us. I have never in my life heard of a pastor scheduling a graduation for church at the exact time as the HS graduation. Even if the church were a religious school, they would likely adjust time for the benefit of the community.
To be fair, the church graduation is not at the same time as my HS graduation. My HS graduation is later this week on Friday, and the church graduation will happen during Sunday service where graduates will walk down the aisle and receive prayer. He never said anything about choosing one graduation over the other, my parents did that
Id tell them ima enlist in military to get away. Ooo they would cry soooo much or get so mad 🤣
She should actually consider joining the military. That's how I was able to move out of the house. And she'll get $ for college!
100000%
And be able to move far from their influence
I am so sorry your parents are choosing this. If I lived near you I’d come and bring a huge cheering section with me. You deserve to attend your own graduation.
They’ve just made it clear that anything and everything they ever do for you will come with strings attached. As long as they pay for anything, even indirectly, for you, they will think they have to right to dictate as much of your life as they want to. Right now it’s the ceremony and attending church. How long until it’s drop out and marry their 40 year old friend? Get out as soon as you can. Don’t give them access to any of your money. And congratulations on your graduation! It really is awesome, even if your parents are being horrid about it.
Thanks. I'm debating whether it's worth the risk to still attend my HS one against their threats while also not giving in, but debating whether they'd really throw me out for attending and if I can stay with a friend as a backup plan which I hope
If they would throw you out for attending your graduation, then they are clearly not people that care about you in any way shape or form. You deserve better. All they want is to be able to use you as a prop at church to show what godly people they are for bringing their kid to church. You deserve better. ETA don’t miss out on something that only happens once. You may not see many of these friends again, and certainly not all at once, any time soon.
Just want to make sure I have a friend who can home me if I decide to still go to my HS graduation, but it might not be worth it too if they do that and I don't have a backup plan
I hear you. It’s absolutely maddening that you may have to choose between something as fundamental as your graduation and a place to live. It’s absolutely despicable that they would even try to call themselves parents.
“The pastor talked about how people lost their way in college by disregarding faith and morals.” It doesn’t just happen in college - the bully in the youth group is a perfect example. How do they reconcile your bully never having been held accountable by the church and the pastor? It’s weird the pastor wouldn’t even consider when the HS graduation is - did he say no one should go to the Hs graduation and only come to the church one? Isn’t there also something about integrity and upholding promises that is rooted in faith and morals? Your parents withholding your education as a threat if you don’t go to church or the church graduation isn’t very Christian. Perhaps they are unaware of the hypocrisy of their actions as they seem to be losing their way once again. I wish you luck OP.
The pastor never said anything like you shouldn't go to your regular HS graduation. According to my parents, he simply announced a church graduation that was completely separate, not replacing anything with a BBQ in the back of the church afterwards in honor of the graduates, but nothing like the pick one over the other like my parents are doing
If you haven’t, I’d point that out. If the pastor is good with it, they should be, too. Maybe a compromise? A different deal that doesn’t include your education. You go to both but not church and you get to leave as soon as the church grad is done to avoid the bully. I understand you don’t want to go at all. However, showing a willingness to work with your parents will demonstrate a maturity and thoughtfulness on your part and make their demands appear even more unreasonable than they already are. Yep, I’m suggesting manipulation…gentle manipulation but nevertheless, manipulation. 🤷🏽♀️
I'm open to compromising, but they want one or the other when I floated the idea of attending both and even said they let me not attend church for two years after the camping incident, so I owed them by coming now essentially. Like, I thought they allowed me not to go to protect me from that bully and because they cared for me, but now it's just leverage to them
This is why you absolutely shouldn’t go to your church graduation. They are taking an entire interstate’s worth of miles and acting like you owe them for allowing you not to attend church for the last two years. They did that because you were bullied-that wasn’t a favor. That was decent parenting, which has apparently gone out the window. My husband went through this with his pseudo-Christian hyper-right wing parents. They will only increase their control once you while you’re living there and while they pay your tuition. They’ll make attending church mandatory, then it’ll be attending more social events with the church, then going on a date with a nice young man that’s so-and-so’s grandson, etc. Accept that you can’t count on your parents anymore and start making new plans. They love control, especially when they can couch it in “we’re right because we’re on god’s side and you can’t convince us otherwise because you haven’t attended as much church as we have”. If you refuse, they’ll say you’re on the wrong path just like they warned you about, and they’ll continue to judge anything you do that isn’t *exactly* what they want as proof that you’re turning away from god. This is why they’re throwing down the gantlet now and refusing to allow you to attend your once-in-a-lifetime graduation with your friends and teachers. Talk to friends and ask about staying with them and their families. Explain the situation-you can tell them your parents have suddenly told you that you must begin attending their church again, even though they allowed you to stop attending due to abuse against you going unpunished. They’re refusing to allow you to attend your graduation for no real reason. They promised to pay tuition like they did for your sister, but now they’re talking about kicking you out unless you skip your graduation, which isn’t even something your pastor wants. Explain that their sudden aggressive stance regarding church is making you feel very unsafe, and you don’t feel comfortable staying there. I promise, a friend’s parents (especially the non-religious ones) well understand and will likely love to have you. Contact your college and ask about financial aid for estranged families. Usually schools will have extra grants etc for people in special circumstances that filled out the FAFSA, were required to provide their parent’s info but their parents will not contribute. Also ask about budget housing-they may offer a deal with a local apartment complex or offer student housing at a seriously reduced rate because of your circumstances. Good luck!!
That church sounds like one I wouldn't like my little kids get out of eye sight.
Ah yes, no better way to bring people to the 'faith' than threats and bullying...
Do you have any other siblings? How far are you willing to go to threaten them with no contact? If you’re an only child that gives you a lot of leverage.
I have one older sibling, but she lives on her own and goes to church too albeit a different church where she lives and was gonna come up for my HS graduation but now the church graduation
No matter what else you do, talk to your sister. 1. This is not normal church behavior 2. You need to confirm exactly what your parents are telling your relatives. Don’t assume your parents are telling the truth
I'm not sure if I should since she's similar to them in the same religion and same politics and they're really close and talk a lot, so I'm not sure if she would tell them everything I say. I'll take the same precautions with my churchgoing relatives who might tell my parents by probably talking to the non-churchgoing ones first
You need to leave anyway. This is not a safe or healthy environment. They’re trying to force you in a cult
They are in a cult. Logic won’t ever apply. You will need to find your own way. You are on your own. But at least you know now.
Ask your parents how they think God feels about liars. They agreed to something and now they’re refusing to keep their word. That makes them untrustworthy liars. And ask them what they think God would say about parents that refuse to properly care for their children. How is turning your own child out on the street in ANY WAY Christian. FYI-it’s not! Try to make arrangements for a place to live with friends or family that are decent and sane. Your parents aren’t.
They'll eternally going to keep moving the goal posts. You won't be free unless you can leave.
Can you have a 1:1 with the pastor? Your parents aren’t parenting.
OK, I suggest you move out. I assume you are American and over 18. The National Parks hire at 18 AND provide really cheap housing and a meal plan for employees. You also get free wifi, so online school is 100% possible. Just saying.https://www.xanterrajobs.com/main/xanterra/home?gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwvb-zBhCmARIsAAfUI2tztiiBWINyyWGnJgY7-KIkhPNXbLvg6Qd1u_OnUSTlT4Fctbhik1UaAj3cEALw_wcB
Your parents are literally bullying you back into the church where you were bullied AND NO ONE DID ANYTHING ABOUT IT. I am praying you find another living situation, can attend your actual HS graduation, and get as far away from your controlling, frightening parents as possible.
Updateme!
Are you able to stay with friends until they come to their senses? Any money you earn you will need to save for college.
I will definitely ask and explain everything because this happened so suddenly
Do you have any relatives that will take you in? Your parents are AHs. Get a job asap. Attend your HS graduation. Speak to a counselor at your school and tell her what’s going on. They may have options for you.
I will ask them in addition to friends, but many of them who were coming and now coming to the church graduation were also churchgoers like my parents, so I'll most likely ask the non-churchgoers
So sorry. This is a prime example of how organized religion can be destructive. I wonder if you started sending your parents links to apartment rentals. Asking for their input. If you show you’re willing to move out they may backtrack? I dunno. Crappy situation they’ve put you in.
Believe or else is one Hell of an argument. Seriously, fuck your parents and the church and I'm not sorry for saying that. Because, and I promise you, if you cave once to their demands, it won't stop. They'll keep pulling the string more and more until you're there puppet.
No, I'm quite tired of their church too after all of the bullying
I do not blame you and I really hope you find an out. You don't deserve this shit.
Don't spend your life catering to bullies. Fuck the whole lot of them - family or otherwise.
of course, but just trying to weigh my risk of them moving my stuff outside and kicking me out if they see me attend my HS graduation by the time I get back
If they do that, that's on them. You'll bounce back without them. At least you'll have truly seen them for who/what they are. At that point, fuck them and fuck their "church". Jesus certainly would never have acted that way
Quietly make preparations to move out. Military, national parks, etc, were all recommended. At point, your ability to move freely as an adult, unattached to your parents, is more important than anything else. Make sure that you get your birth certificate and social security card from them under the guise of starting jobs and don't give them back. You can get them from agencies if you have to but it's a lot easier if you have them to begin with. I can absolutely see your parents trying to use them as a form of Forcing people to church is not what the Bible preaches and a talk with the pastor about how threatened you feel by your parents suddenly saying 'church or or take everything and compromise your future' makes you feel like that pastor's church is dangerous. I would not confront your parents or the pastor until you have an exit plan/friend's couch ready, unless you feel they won't take things too far - your gut is a good resource.
This is horrifying. I'm so sorry.
Can you move in with grandparents or aunt and uncle?
It's very christian of them to threaten you with homelessness for not doing what they want. That's so charitable and kind. These are the christians that america is made out of.
lol let them charge you rent and just don’t pay them. Then move when you feel like it and go to college and continue to be awesome. Sorry; this must be really messed up for you. I would feel like I’m straight up grieving a loved one’s passing. But yeah let those assholes try to go through the whole eviction process.
I'm sorry your parents are being that way and now you have to figure out how to maneuver around their unreasonableness. If you're concerned about them doing something with your belongings, I have some suggestions, just in case you're feeling too overwhelmed to think. I'm going to assume you have friends you trust and/or can stay with. I'm also going to assume you have access to some money whether its yours or something you can borrow. Maybe pack up the things that are the most important or necessary and leave them at the other place. I'd consider renting a UHaul or borrowing someone's truck/vehicle and have friends show up without warning to help you move out whatever else is yours and stash it in storage at a rental place or in a friend's garage if that's an option. I'd do these things before the real graduation and then at least your belongings can't be held hostage. If I knew I was going to be out of the house, I'd re-invite my family to my graduation and let them know my parents are not going to cooperate. If you wanted to, you could talk with the pastor at the church, and if he seemed to be on your side, ask him to invite your parents to a sit-down and then air out everything. Maybe see if counselors or teachers at your school (or Child Services) have any ideas or could offer any help.
Oh hell no. Go to your school graduation. You will never get the opportunity to have that experience ever again. The church sounds like it has purposely scheduled the events at the same time in order to exert control over their congregation and as a way to test who will fall into line and who doesn’t. It is petty, cruel and frankly I would burn in hell before I’d continue to be a part of that church. Do you have any other family that would be sympathetic to you about this situation and would be willing to have you stay with them while you’re still in education? Or failing that would you be able to speak with a trusted teacher or guidance counsellor? They may be able to help you access some alternative accommodation and funding for your college tuition costs since your parents are making your funding conditional upon you meeting all the dictates and whims of their pastor.
I'm going to weigh the risk of attending, and if I can't find a friend's parents to home me, I won't risk going to my HS graduation only to return with my things maybe outside and locks changed if I don't have backup shelter. Also, the church didn't schedule a conflicting graduation ceremony. The church's ceremony will take place during normal church service on Sunday for a few minutes, and the pastor never said anything about attending the church's ceremony instead of your school one. I still disagree with a lot of his sermon about making sure kids stayed in church post-high school, but my parents are the ones forcing me to go to the church graduation instead of my HS one
Do you believe they would actually follow through with it?
Does a church graduation mean you never need to go to church again?
No, they want me to attend church regularly starting with that graduation church Sunday in two weeks so that I don't fall away from God when going to "worldly" college or else they'll charge me rent
If they're threatening you like this - move out. You're an adult and they're preventing you from growing
If in the end you feel you have no choice, you could either give them an ultimatum that if they force you to go after the bullying you experienced at that place then you will make sure to tell family gossip or make offensive( I mean offensive for church people) remarks that will make them look bad to the church members or you could just do it anyway without giving an ultimatum. Tell them that you are a person who believes in being a good person and sticking to your word and promises and that its a shame they have no problem not keeping to their word. You go to church but make sure to share small little secrets that your parents wouldn't want known, family tea (ex. If your family amd that church are anti LGBTQ+ then tell church members that your parents donated to a foundation that supports the community or that they have done something in support of them), etc. If they want to be vindictive then so can you. You can also do what you're comfortable with, but don't let others force you into discomfort because they can't be supportive, loving parents that don't want absolute control over their kid.
If it was me, I'd skip my HS graduation and pretend to go along with whatever they wanted, like they won, while planning my escape. You don't owe them any honesty or inclusion in your actual plans. Then you leave and go no contact.
Find a friend and ask if you can keep your important things with them. Then do whatever you can to move out. Tell your parents God would be discussed with them as did is all seeing and knowing. Tell them that if they wanted to push you away from church, this is how you do it. In any case get out ASAP as no matter what you do they will control you by any means.
If I had it to do over, I would have skipped my HS graduation. I did skip my college graduations, both of them. I have the paper.
Attend your HS graduation and join the military.
Interesting path to consider .. cna jobs will pay for school if you work for them . So you get school plus full time job Cna jobs at hospitals will contribute toward nursing degrees. Rn, Aprn or doctor degrees are very solid careers . Reality is you are playing a game. Agree to attend the church ceremony . Ask pastor about attending regular ceremony also. Tell parents your pastor said yes ( assuming he does) Work out other options. Check roommate sites , ask friends families, not church family members. Place for the summer Check with town social worker or local Medicaid office
I’m sorry your parents are psychotic assholes. I stopped talking to my parents around 23 and moved out at 19. It was the best decision I ever made. I wish you luck in your quest for freedom.
There are options!! If you are between the age of 16 and 24 and live in the US, please go look at the Job Corp website. It’s a federal program for low income young adults that provides free tech school with housing, meals, basic medical, mental health, and a living allowance. You can start there and learn a trade. Many employers also pay for you to continue your education. Job Corps programs are spread across the US so you can get some distance from your family and their church too.
I would kindly offer to go no contact with them and to never set foot in a church again faith is not the same as being threatened and forced
Also, go confide in your favorite teacher or guidance counselor that you are no longer allowed to attend graduation. They may be able to get through to your parents to let you attend, and if nothing else the embarrassment of outsiders knowing they aren’t letting you may change their mind.
Talk to a school councillor / teacher, ask a friend if their parents would let you stay with them and tell them why, get all your important docs and personal stuff out of the house, go to your high school graduation and block your parents on social media everywhere. Can a family member / grandparents not intervene ?
What's Christian about blackmailing your child to give up something important to them? I dont even understand how they think what they are doing is godly in any way. It's madness. I'm sorry they have trapped you and im sorry they are bad people. I hope you manage to get away from their craziness one day.
Fuck all theist nonsense, period . It’s not helping anyone. All the good done can be done for the actual right reasons, not virtue signaling
Here let me translate for you "the pastor talked about how people lost their way in college by disregarding faith and morals" - what he means is that in college you are exposed to different viewpoints and you learn to think for yourself rather than what you are told to think. You learn that there are varying perspectives on issues not just the one that the pastor is preaching. Neither the pastor, nor your parents want you to be educated as then you may realize that they are manipulating people to do as they want (and the church is making money off of them, don't forget that. Look at how right the Catholic Church, the Mormon Church, heck even Scientology is rolling in money).
INFO: do you think your pastor will be against you attending your HS graduation AND the church graduation? On the off chance you think he would support both, talk to him and ask him to talk to your parents on behalf of you.
I forsee limited communications with the parents in the near future.
Remove your important documents from the house and see if you can move in with friends. No one should ever be forced to go to church or church functions even God wouldn't approve of their behavior. Your best bet is to talk to some of your good friends with their parents and tell them what's going on. I'm sure one of your friends parent's will help and let you stay with them. If someone does offer you a place to stay, don't take their generosity for granted, get a job, and when you get your first paycheck, hand them like 50.00 bucks or go buy some groceries. Help with chores around their house to show appreciation for them letting you stay and ask if you can stay till you save up enough to find your own place to live. Maybe you and some friends can find a place to rent together splitting the rent find roommates, and until you get a job and figure out your living situation, college may have to be put on hold. Try looking into grants and financial aid. You should talk to your high-school guidance counselor. And there is always community college and trade schools that are cheaper than a big university. Here in my state Tennessee high-school graduates can get 2 years free of community college our lottery also has grants for college but talk with your guidance counselor they will know if there's state funded programs to help with trade school and college. Tell your parents that you love them and them using money to blackmail you into church isn't a way God would approve of he wants you to want to be there and I'd find a different church where you won't get bullied. You don't have to go to church to be a good Christian, but when you do go to church, find one that makes you feel loved and welcomed. You will be ok your just gonna have to stand up for yourself and take care of yourself yeah it's better to have a support system from your parents but this is your life and you need to live it for you not them. I think if you don't go to your hs graduation you'll regret it and have resentment towards your parents and will fracture your relationship with them that will be hard to repair in the future if you choose to stay in contact with them. Things are going to be hard, and you're scared, but just put one foot in front of the other and solve the problems that are right in front of you. I'm sure you had your heart set on going to college but if your parents won't help and you don't have grants or scholarships or savings for it you may have to change your plans until you can afford to go. You have been in school for 18 years, and graduation is your reward, so please don't miss it. You earned that diploma and to walk across that stage. Your parents suck for trying to take that away from you, so if it were me, I wouldn't let them, even if that meant getting kicked out. Again hopefully a friend's parents will help you out by letting you stay with them until you can get on your feet. I do hope your parents change their minds try talking to them about how you have earned graduation with your friend's and that have you not been a good kid why are they not trusting you now and why that they think you'll make mistakes like they did or whatever they say is the reason they don't want you to attend your hs graduation. Ask them what makes them not trust you when they did a few weeks ago when it was planned with everyone attending. Tell them you're going and want them there, and are they not proud of you for graduating? Tell them you hate that they're trying to take this away from you and that if you must you will find somewhere else to live and they can either support you and be part of your life or not that it's up to them.
HS graduation won't really mean a lot in the big scheme. It's a mile stone your parents are turning into a millstone. Sell your soul for your parents and then GTFO and don't ever look back. Your parents are actively pushing you away. So be gone. NC then.
With all due respect, your parents are manipulative assholes, because that’s what they are doing, if you don’t stand for yourself, they will keep doing this and more every time something is not done as they wish. Don’t do anything you don’t want to just to give them the pleasure.
Cultists are weird.... Probably for the best they exposed their unloving, non-neighborly, judgemental, imaginary skydaddy bullshit now rather than later.
It would be best for you to move out ASAP. Community College will always be there, and there is no rush to start your life. There is a rush, however, to get away from this abusive relationship with your parents. Your parents are trying to financially control you and cast fear to get you to do what they want. That's not a good parenting style and will only leave you with traumas that will hurt your ability to create healthy relationships in the future. You must become self-efficient so you do not have to rely on their money and become free to make any decision you want. I guarantee you they will throw it in your face later that they paid for college the second you do something they don't like. If I were you, I'd do the following: 1. Go to your own graduation. You want to go, then go. 2. Apply for every scholarship known to man. There's bound to be some scholarships out there to help pay your way. Ask your school guidance counselor they are good resources. 3. Get a job immediately and start to save every penny. 3b. If you don't have your own bank account (maybe you have a joint one with your parents) get one. 4. You're more than likely not going to be able to afford to live on your own. Find someone you can trust to room with and start looking for apartments. 5. Your parents may still try to control you once you start making your own decisions. STAND YOUR GROUND. CREATE CONCRETE BOUNDARIES WITH THEM.
Just an idea. Depends on pastor but if he? Wasn’t trying to make church recognition exclusive - maybe he could talk to your parents for you and convince them to let you attend both. It seems you don’t mind attending church celebration as well actual graduation; it’s the one, not other bit that bothers you. Could also ask a teacher you trust.
This is exactly why I quickly became an atheist as a child, the church is a fucking cult. Religion is disgusting except for those that are truly living it and keep it to themselves, such as the Buddhist monks. That is respectable.
Our area churches do this, too, but it has always been understood that the church "graduation" was IN ADDITION TO the high school graduation. In fact, the church ceremonies are not considered actual graduations, just an event where they honor church's graduates. Also, I think your parents are misinterpreting what your pastor meant about people losing their way in college. Your pastor's ceremony and praying over the graduates is probably meant to safeguard high school graduates before they enter college. I don't think they meant that no one should attend college, ever. (Many pastors had to get their degree before they could enter the field.) If I were you, I would contact your pastor and ask them to clarify to your parents what they mean, that your parents think that the church ceremony is meant to replace the graduation and that now your parents are threatening to evict you if you still decide to attend college based on whatever it was that your pastor said. If your pastor is a decent person, they'd be appalled. That being said, I think your parents are completely in the wrong here. You cannot and should not force someone to become a believer, and nor should you rescind on your offer to help someone just because that person is refusing to be under your control 100%. I think your parents should have escalated the issue of the girl bullying you to the youth director and beyond that, but they were also right to not force you to attend somewhere you were not welcome. They could have conducted bible studies at home or found another church if you not attending bothered them so much, but this sudden last-minute change was ridiculous and unfair.
What your parents are doing is controlling. It is based on fear of what will happen to you based on what the pastor said. I am a Christian and it’s true, many leave the church when they go to college, but that’s their choice and it’s part of finding their own faith, not their parents. My kids all moved away and all still love God. Nowhere in the Bible does Jesus make people follow Him. I would suggest talking to this pastor. Explain to him the situation. Ask him to show you scripturally where people are coerced into doing things for God. It’s not there. God wants us to choose Him freely. Your parents and possibly your pastor don’t believe God is enough to draw you to following Him. Read Luke 15. The father represents God and he lets his son go…he doesn’t force him to stay. Read it and it may be something you can share with your parents…Also, as soon as you can I would move out. Your parents still see you as a child. They will try to control other areas of your life. They won’t want you staying out late, dating a certain person, etc. It would be better to even forgo school for a year and just work and become financially independent and able to make your own decisions. It will save you from resenting your parents….
You need to find somewhere safe to stay. If you can't take all your belongings, take what is most important to you. The next step will probably be them going through your belongings to purge them of any items the church deems too worldly etc.
And thats why all the churches should burn..
I would tell them that if they want you to attend the church graduation ceremony you will only go if you can attend your HS graduation ceremony. Basically turn their threat around. Talk to the pastor at the church about what’s going on. I’m pretty sure he won’t be on their side about kicking you out or making you miss your ceremony with your friends. I’m not sure I wouldn’t go to church because of one bully but that is your decision. Ask friends and relatives if you can stay with them in July, preferably someone local. Worst case scenario, enlist. Find the recruiter that will sign you up for the training you qualify for and get it in writing, don’t take their word for it. IT and networking in any of the armed forces are great careers that put you in a better place than four years of college. There are lots of other opportunities they can train you for. ETA make sure you have your birth certificate and social security card somewhere they can’t keep it from you. Any possessions that are important to you, clothes, etc. see if a friend can keep them for you. Make sure the rest of your family knows what they have said. At least one of them may think your parents are going too far. ( I attend church regularly but I would never do this.)
Do not act rashly. Do not run away. Church for a few weeks is a small price to pay for biding you time to find a job and new housing.
http://www.jobcorps.gov/